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whisker-biscuit · 3 years ago

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Silent as the Grave Chapter 6: Cooper’s Cane and False Names

Fandom: Sly Cooper

Summary: An officer faces a crisis of morality, and makes a decision that changes the future of one child forever.

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McHorn doesn’t know why he keeps coming back.

Maybe it’s because he can’t stop thinking about that kid, or those inspectors, or this whole screwed up situation. Maybe it’s because he feels guilt or responsibility or something that continues to draw him back to the case despite urges from everyone to let it go or forget about it.

Whatever the reason, he finds himself visiting Cooper’s son over the next few days, both in and out of uniform.

He doesn’t go for any conversation; it’s clear in the few times he’s tried that the boy just isn’t going to talk back, or at all. Nurse Duke tells him not to take it personally - apparently not a single staff member has heard a single word from him the entire time, either. So the officer often sits and reads, or browses his phone, or does paperwork, and does his best to react with a smile or a few kind words whenever he feels little brown eyes on him.

It’s for this reason that he’s approached during his shift by Inspector Singh on day five.

“Your chief tells me you’ve been spending a lot of time at the hospital,” the Interpol agent says nonchalantly, leaning against the doorframe of McHorn’s office cubicle.

The rhino stiffens. “I’m staying out of the case. I’m not doing anything illegal.”

“Easy, friend,” Singh reassures him, “I never said you were. I actually came to talk to you about something related to that, if you’d let me.”

He squints at the sun bear, giving a reluctant, curious nod when he doesn’t sense anything suspicious.

“Great! You see, we’re scheduled to transfer Cooper’s belongings back to headquarters, but first we need to let the kid pick up a few of his own things before he’s put in the system. Social worker’s orders.”

“Foster care?”

“A boy’s home, I think. Anyway, I was hoping you could escort him to the place for us.”

McHorn frowns. “Why me? I thought your partner didn’t want me around.”

“A few reasons.” The inspector begins ticking off his fingers, one by one. “First, we’re trying to separate Cooper’s son from any association with him, for his own safety, so having an Interpol escort would draw a lot of unnecessary attention. Second, he’s going to need an officer with him anyway to make sure he doesn’t, y’know…”

When the man only gives him a blank stare, Singh sighs.

“Just making sure none of those infamous traits of his father have rubbed off on him. You understand the suspicion.”

He says it like it’s an inevitable fact, and something about that makes McHorn’s gut clench uncomfortably in a knot.

“Are you expecting me to arrest him if he does anything?” He asks, unable to keep the incredulity out of his voice. This is a child they’re talking about, who they’re keeping from “stealing” his own family’s things.

“Oh, no, that’s not what I’m saying at all. Just, y’know, keep an eye on him. Keep him from causing any trouble.”

It’s not a fair request, but McHorn is all too familiar with how kids in the system are treated just for being there in the first place. He nods again, much slower and hesitant.

“Is there anything else?”

“Yeah, actually.” The sun bear drums his claws against the door frame. “We’re hoping you can get that cane from him.”

Now the knot flips his stomach entirely.

“...What?”

“I know it sounds like an impossible request,” Singh says smoothly, misinterpreting the look on the officer’s face. “But we really can’t allow such a dangerous weapon to remain in the hands of a child any longer, and it’s important that we get it back to headquarters where it belongs - safely off the streets forever. That cane has done enough damage already, don’t you think?”

McHorn remembers the terrible fiasco that resulted from the last time they tried to do that. “You can’t be serious.”

“Yet here I am.” The other man gives him a disarming smile.

“That kid barely even tolerates me as it is, inspector. He’s not going to let me take his cane away from him.”

“Then convince him! He doesn’t have a choice in the matter.” The detective looks him up and down before shaking his head with a disappointed click of the tongue. “Officer McHorn, you have to face the reality of the situation. Cooper’s cane is coming with us no matter what. He can’t keep it. I’d been hoping you could persuade the child to hand it over for his own sake, but if force ends up necessary…”

He trails off, letting the implications hang in the air with the most easygoing expression still on his face. The rhino feels sick.

“Consider it, would you?” Inspector Singh turns to leave with his hands in his pockets. “You’re a good man from what your chief tells me. I’d really rather it was you who did this than someone more callous. Wouldn’t you agree?”

And that’s the problem - McHorn does agree.

He agrees so much that that’s how he finds himself in a familiar hospital room the very next morning with a child staring up at him and that same knot still twisting his insides. Nurse Duke is there as well to say his goodbyes, and he squeezes the kit’s hand in reassurance.

“You’re a tough cookie, Sly,” he says, and McHorn wonders for the umpteenth time what possessed a parent to give their kid a name like that. “You’re going to be just fine. Keep your chin up and don’t take flack from anyone, okay?”

The kit nods, one hand holding his notebook and the other curled tightly around the golden hooked end of his cane, and the rhino exhales very slowly through his nose.

“You’ll make sure he’s taken care of, right?”

It takes him a moment to realize the dog is addressing him. He jerks to attention.

“Y-Yeah, uh, yeah, I’ve got him. Don’t worry.”

To illustrate his point, the officer holds out a hand, and Sly takes it after much hesitation. They leave the room to Duke’s earnest goodbyes, then the hospital entirely. He helps the kid into his cruiser and starts driving without any preamble.

It’s so quiet in the backseat that he’d think no one was actually there with him, if not for the sight of the little raccoon curled up around his father’s cane like it was a teddy bear every time the rhino glances at the rearview mirror.

The sight of Cooper’s quant little home sends a spike of nausea through the officer even in broad daylight, and he catches a similar queasiness rising on the kit’s face before he manages to school his expression. There’s a large moving van parked in front, along with a civilian car and an unmarked vehicle that McHorn figures belongs to Inspector Singh. He rolls to a stop just in time to witness two movers carrying an armchair out the front door.

Sly’s breath hitches. The officer wishes he wasn’t the one who was asked to do this.

“Did, uh, anyone tell you why I brought you here?” He asks, turning around in his seat to look at the kid head-on. Relief hits him like a bullet when he gets a nod in response. “Good! Good, okay, uh…let’s not waste any time, then.”

Stepping out of the car in front of the house sends a wave of terrible deja vu through him, despite it being broad daylight. From this distance, he can’t tell if the front door has been reattached and is simply wide open, or if they never bothered fixing it at all. The kit slides out from his own seat and appears at the rhino’s side almost soundlessly, startling him back into the present moment. With a quick glance down and some attempt at a reassuring expression, he leads the boy towards the house.

Inspector Singh is waiting for them just past the doorway.

“Hey there, kiddo!” He greets Sly, whose face twists like he just tasted something sour. Then the sun bear’s eyes rise up to his escort. “Officer McHorn. Glad you could make it after all.”

“Didn’t really feel like I had a choice," the man mumbles.

“Oh, there’s always a choice. It’s good to see you made the right one. Right this way, if you will.”

He sidesteps another set of movers and begins walking, and his reluctant companions have no choice but to follow.

“I’ve made sure his room remained untouched,” the bear says, far too cheerful as he starts leading them through the house. They pass the living room and both rhino and raccoon pretend it doesn’t exist. “So it should be nice and easy to get his things together and ready to go.”

Inspector Singh turns a corner down the hall like he’s lived here all his life, then pokes his head back around. His eyes land on Sly to actually address him directly again.

“Kiddo, there’s someone here who I want you to meet.” He reaches a hand out as if to take his hand, but the boy shies away. The inspector’s smile twitches only briefly before righting itself.

“Over here, please.”

They turn the corner and stop. There’s a lizard stranger standing next to Inspector Singh, who turns their head and peers down at Sly over carefully-balanced glasses.

“This is Campbell, your social worker,” the sun bear says with an encouraging smile. “They’ll be taking you to your new home after you’re done packing your things here.”

The raccoon tightens his grip on his cane as he stares up at the new stranger. All the adults stand awkwardly in silence for a beat too long, expecting a reaction that doesn’t come, before Campbell coughs into their hand.

“Well. It’s nice to meet you, Sylvester.”

A few things happen at the utterance of that name. The kit shoots the lizard a confused look, then lifts his notebook and begins flipping through it as Inspector Singh whispers something to them that McHorn doesn’t catch.

When Sly finds the page that holds his real name and tries to hold it up for them to see, they shake their head and none-too-gently push it back towards him.

“No,” they chastise. “No, that’s not your name. The detective here told me about your nickname. It’s very cute, but we’re going to use your real name from now on. It’s proper manners for where you’re going, especially if you end up in the care of another family.”

The raccoon stares them down. Through the astonishment, everyone can see the question on his face. It almost looks like a dare; a dare to tell him what his real name is supposed to be. McHorn has to commend him for his boldness in front of all of these people of authority.

“Your name is Sylvester,” the social worker repeats slowly, as if the child won't understand otherwise. “Sylvester James.”

McHorn doesn’t know the significance of this name, but the kid certainly seems to. His eyes blow wide and he stiffens, staring at Campbell like they just told him to spit on his father’s grave. Then those eyes narrow in anger.

He opens his mouth.

They wait.

Nothing.

Inspector Singh looks particularly pleased with himself as the child closes his mouth, as if he has just won some kind of bet. The raccoon is subtly shaking now, and the rhino wonders what’s going through Sly’s - Sylvester’s head. Something about the correction strikes him as wrong even in his own mind, despite barely knowing him at all.

But the kit doesn’t protest - can’t protest - and thus is powerless to stop this strong-arming of his new identity. Abruptly he pivots on his foot and weaves past both government workers, marching towards his room with his head held high and his cane dragging behind in as dignified a manner as he can manage. It's an obvious "screw you" that all of them can interpret.

They follow him in silence. Inspector Singh gives the officer a significant look as the cane catches on the hall rug, forcing Sly - Sylvester to pause in his prideful stride and tug it free.

McHorn pretends not to notice it.

They arrive at the boy’s soon-to-be-former room, and Campbell turns to him.

“You can take enough to fill this up, but nothing more.” To punctuate their point, they thrust a duffel bag in his direction. He takes it without a sound, as expected, and enters the room with a locked jaw.

It’s a bizarre, heart-breaking sight to watch a child move around their own room as if nothing belongs to them, having to choose between favorite clothes and precious toys because they’re not allowed to take more than a handful of any of those cherished things altogether. Sylvester trudges from closet to shelf to dresser to bed, quiet as a little wraith the whole way through. He picks mostly blue clothes, McHorn notices, and only a few other things to fill the space in his bag.

The cane moves along with him like a ball and chain.

His entourage watches him from the doorway, and this treatment of the situation like it's a spectacle adds a whole other layer to the wrongness of it all.

As the boy finishes packing, the Interpol agent turns and disappears down the hallway. Campbell adjusts their glasses as Sylvester zips his bag up and turns stare at them from the middle of the room.

"Yes, yes, very good. It looks like you're ready to go, then. Come on."

Head still held high, the raccoon steps out of the room just in time for a loud thud to catch everyone's attention. They all look to see Inspector Singh has returned with a mover and an open, empty safe now placed at his feet.

It's built like a rectangular instead of a square, meant to hold something long, and McHorn closes his eyes so he doesn't have to see the moment the kit connects the dots.

Something small grabs onto his leg. He opens his eyes to the sight of Sylvester clinging to him, glaring at both government workers as he uses the rhino as a shield and clutches his father's cane protectively.

"None of that, now," the lizard scolds. "You should know by now that you wouldn't be allowed to take that with you even if these kind officers didn't need it. A weapon like that isn't meant for children."

The raccoon glares some more and shakes his head. Singh gives McHorn an expectant look.

"Well, officer?"

He hesitates, feeling more than seeing the child peer up at him in confusion. It takes a tremendous amount of effort to get down on one knee so that he can talk to the boy face-to-face.

"Listen, Sylv…Sly," he ignores the ugly looks using that name garners from the other adults, "I know how, uh, important that thing is to you. It probably feels like...like me and my badge, right? Like when you have it with you, it will protect you. Doesn't it?"

He holds his breath, worried he's misjudged things, until the kit gives him a slow, reluctant nod.

"Right. Yeah. So, uh, the thing is, you're going to a place where you'll be safe again. Not a place like the hospital, or…"

His eyes flicker towards the end of the hallway where the doorway to the living room waits for them both. Sly follows his gaze and inhales, mouth thin.

"So, y'know, uh…" It's getting harder to find the words. He sees the social worker out of the corner of his eye. "...You won't need that extra protection anymore, because you have Campbell here to look out for you."

The child doesn't look convinced by that. McHorn can't say he blames him.

"And - and you'll have me," he blurts out before he can regret it. "I'll look after you, too."

And he realizes that he means it. He cares too much about this kid to pretend he won't exist after today. Sly deserves better than that for all he's already been through.

It's this sincerity that cinches it. The child stares at him, searches every inch of his expression, and recognizes the man's genuine promise. It won't be enough for him to truly feel safe, but there likely won't ever be anything that does again.

Slowly, as if it's physically painful to do so, Sly relinquishes his death grip on his father's cane, allowing McHorn to take it with the utmost care from him. His face cracks in remorse and longing the moment he no longer touches it, but he doesn't try to grab it again.

He simply stands there, looking utterly defeated, as the rhino hands the cane to Inspector Singh.

"Thank you, officer," the other man says, wasting no time in placing it in the safe and closing the door with a heavy thunk. "Your help is incredibly appreciated."

The safe is hefted up and away by the mover, and the kit makes a soft sound far dangerously close to a sob. It's easy to pretend no one hears it.

"Come along then, Sylvester," Campbell puts great emphasis on the name, giving McHorn a severe look as they beckon the raccoon to follow them. "There's a lot to be done at your new home before you can get situated."

The rhino gets back on his feet and trudges alongside the boy back through the house, trying to show his support as best he can. As the four of them walk out the front door, McHorn sees a mover toss a half-opened box into the back of the trick. There's a flash of blue as several of the box's contents nearly get upended by the throw, disappearing into the depths of the truck.

Sly takes a sharp breath, face stricken, and sprints for the back of the vehicle.

"Wha-!"

"Hey!"

Inspector and social worker exclaim simultaneously and both try to grab the kit before he can much farther. He dodges them both with a grace McHorn has never seen on anyone before, and keeps running.

"I - I got him!" The officer promises them in a rush, seeing the mirroring looks of irritation. "I got him, hang on!"

He rushes after the boy, who has already climbed the loading ramp and disappears among furniture and stacked boxes. McHorn can't see him at all as he reaches the beginning of the packed pile.

"Kid? Where'd you go?"

There's no response - he's not sure why he expected anything different, honestly - and so the rhino heaves a big sigh before wedging himself into the mess to look for the runaway.

The truck feels much bigger on the inside, and the haphazard way everything has been stuffed in makes it terribly slow going. McHorn grunts as he bumps his horn against the corner of a nightstand balanced precariously on top of a stack of flimsy boxes.

"Sly? Are you around h-”

He peers through the space between an upturned table and a mattress and the words die in his throat.

Cooper’s child has found the safe.

How he managed to find it in this claustrophobic nightmare, the man will never know, but that’s not the biggest thing that catches his attention. What catches his attention is that the kid is on his knees in front of it, with his right cheek and ear pressed firmly against the door and his fingers touching the dial. His eyes are unfocused and his lips move in silent words that the officer can’t decipher.

Intrigued, wondering what he thinks he’s going to accomplish here, McHorn watches as quietly as he can as the child moves the dial carefully back and forth. A minute passes, and just as he decides he should reveal himself to get the kit out of here before the others get suspicious, he hears it.

A click.

Sly inhales in sharp relief as he opens the door to the safe as easily as if it was a kitchen cabinet. McHorn can only gawk at the sight of him pulling out his father’s cane and hugging it close to his chest. It shouldn’t be possible. It can’t be possible, because that’s an industrial, high-security safe made by Interpol. But the proof is right in front of him as he watches the child systematically fold the cane nearly in half by some secret button and tuck it neatly into his duffel bag. Then he closes the safe again, spinning the dial like it’s a pinwheel.

The sight would almost be cute if the rhino hadn't just seen what he had. But for some reason unknown even to himself, he doesn't call the boy out.

As Sly nods in satisfaction to himself, the officer takes a few steps back and out of sight. It’s barely in the nick of time before the kid pops out from within the furniture with his duffel bag held close. A blue cap far too big for him sits on top of his head, and McHorn belatedly wonders how he got the time to find it amongst all that safe-cracking and stealing.

His eyes trail between that hat and the bag, then to the kit's carefully schooled face. “You, uh…got everything you need, then?”

The child stares at him. Whether he knows the man had seen what he'd done or not, it’s impossible to tell. But there is no denying the subtle lift to the corners of his mouth as he nods to confirm that yes - yes, he did indeed.

This is the happiest McHorn has ever seen him. It tugs at his heart, and he takes a deep breath before making a decision, holding out his hand again. This time, the kid takes it with barely any delay.

They exit the truck together, where Singh is waiting with a cigarette in his mouth and Campbell with an impatient look on their face. Two pairs of eyebrows arch upward simultaneously at the sight of Connor Cooper’s hat now on the child’s head, but neither adult comments on it. The inspector only lets out a single puff of smoke before turning to the rhino.

“Is he done?”

McHorn looks down. Sly looks up.

“Yeah,” he says softly. “He has everything he needs, now.”

"Fantastic," the lizard huffs, snatching the boy's wrist before he has the chance to get out of range again. "I think we've wasted enough time here. Come along now, Sylvester. We don't want to be late."

There's not even a chance to say a proper goodbye as the social worker hurries the wide-eyed child into the back of their car. McHorn only gets the chance to lock eyes with him through the window before they're speeding away, leaving him alone on the sidewalk.

Well, he thinks bitterly as smoke curls the air nearby, not quite alone.

Inspector Singh snuffs out his cigarette without any hurry, looking like he didn't just force the rhino to take a child's security blanket away from him. As far as he's aware, that's still the case. McHorn knows the fallout is not going to be pretty when they open that empty safe at Interpol headquarters, but right now he can't find it in himself to care.

The sun bear side-eyes him.

"Tell ya what.” The other man suddenly breaks the silence, all smiles. “For being such a good sport about all of this, I’ll let you escort us to the airport.”

It takes a moment for the abrupt change of subject to register, but the instant it does, McHorn practically gawks at him. “Wait, you don’t have an escort? Isn’t most of this stuff super valuable?”

“We have an air escort,” he replies, gesturing vaguely in some direction above the town. The rhino doesn’t actually see anything in the sky. “And I’m here for ground coverage. Consider your presence a special look into how us international professionals do things.”

The officer glances down the road, where Campbell’s car has long since disappeared with their new charge. He exhales, turns back to the inspector, and nods. Might as well see this horrible day through to the very end.

“Excellent! You’ll want this, then.” He hands him a walkie-talkie. “Contact with our eyes in the skies. Only use it if you have real reason to be concerned, alright? Now let’s get this train a-chugging.”

They waste no time heading out; three vehicles leave the house and then the suburb with Inspector Singh leading, McHorn in the very back, and the truck sandwiched in between. The moment they pass the “leaving town, thank you for coming” sign, heavy humming drones in from overhead.

The rhino glances upwards to see a helicopter with the Interpol insignia coming into view, hovering a ways up above the moving truck. The sound of it thrums through McHorn’s hands where they’re clenching the steering wheel.

Ten minutes out of town, just as they’re stopping at a red light, the copter suddenly jerks sideways as if the pilot bumped into the cyclic stick. The officer frowns, watching it right itself as his radio crackles to life.

“Delta-1, this is Singh. Everything okay up there?”

Another crackle. There’s an alarmingly long moment of delay before someone else answers back.

“Everything is fine,” responds a British voice, deep and a little raspy. “Unexpected turbulence. Things should go quite smoothly from now on.”

“If you say so,” the inspector concedes with just the slightest hesitation. “Continuing radio silence. Over and out.”

The light turns green, and Singh’s car pulls out onto the intersection.

A vehicle slams straight into him.

McHorn swerves at the sight, and that is the only thing that saves him as another car attempts to t-bone him as well. It rams into the back left door instead of the driver’s it was aiming for, sending him spinning out of control. Before he can even get the chance to right himself, the assailing car comes back for a second round.

The helicopter’s blades drown out all sound.

The officer gets one good look as it drops to their level, attaching a wire crane to the top of the transport truck, right before he’s hit again. This time, one of his tires hits the side ditch.

He flips.

He lands.

The world goes white and red and then blissfully black.

“Tragedy today in America as an Interpol transport was ruthlessly attacked, resulting in a double homicide of Detective Inspector Bodie Singh and American police officer Charles McHorn. According to our sources, the transport contained the belongings of recently-deceased master thief Connor Cooper, which was stolen at the time of the attack. Included among these was his world-famous Cooper cane, once used to perform heists all over the world.”

“Chief Inspector Francine Pennington has announced that they have no primary suspects for the crime at this time, but urges anyone with information to come forward. No statement has yet been released about the death of her partner.”

“In related news; former Cooper Gang member Jim McSweeney has turned himself in to authorities. According to a witness, he did so without resistance and is quoted as saying, “it’s over. I’m done.””

“The question now on everyone’s minds: is the Cooper case cursed? Is everyone who gets too close to the master thief’s legacy doomed to failure and death? Stay tuned, and find out the answer.”

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A/N: I am so. SO incredibly unsatisfied with the action scene at the end but I really don't think I'll be able to get it any better at this point. If I ever come up with a better execution I'll go back and rework it.

But yay! New chapter! And character death! How exciting!

Funny fun fact for you all: I've had the latter half of this chapter planned since I started this fic back in 2019 - specifically how Sly steals his cane back out from under Interpol's nose, and how one of the inspectors was going to die at the end (I was unsure at the time of who got the privilege, though. Sorry Singh, you silver-tongued bastard. You were a fun character while you lasted).

#sly cooper

8 notes · View notes

nautiscarader · 5 years ago

Note

7. scent with Wildehopps

more build-up than actual sex, but that story has been on my mind for some time. I’m not a particular fan of the “red string of fate” trope, but this one seemed like a decent ground for a variation of it.

()(Ao3)(next>>)

Judy first noticed it when she was sitting in her office, filing paperwork. That’s the part of cops’ life movies never focus on - how much filing there is, compared to shooting and saying one-liners. Her ears perked up, though it was her nose that picked up and enticing, savoury smell, that reminded her very much of home and her mother’s kitchen. It didn’t take her long to locate the source: a package of sweets that Nick brought into the precinct.

- You trying to butter us up, fox? - McHorn grumbled at the newest cadet. - Butter you up? Moi? - Nick replied, pointing to McHorn’s belly with one paw, while the other one, pressed against Clawhauser’s face, successfully prevented him from taking all of the cherry cones at once.

When he noticed Judy, he gallantly moved the box towards her, granting her a charming smile. She took one of the freshly baked sweets and let out a soft moan of approval, giving him a thumbs-up. But then her face changed. Though the aroma of the delicacy was certainly pleasant, it was something else that brought her attention, though she couldn’t quite put her paw on it. She took a few more on the road, and while she was nibbling on them throughout her shift, she tried detecting the missing flavour, but up to no avail.

- If you like'em so much, I can be asked on a date, and interrogated for the location of that bakery. - Nick’s voice suddenly interrupted her already stirred thoughts, as he looked at her small desk from over the screen. - If you think it will make your life easier, then you can stop it now. - she countered. - I’m not gonna give you you any head-starts tomorrow, you know. - Even for one last cone?

Nick opened his paw, hiding, as he promised, one last sweet, Judy reluctantly took, as if she was afraid it was drugged. But then, as she moved it to her mouth, she smelled it again, the sweet, but savoury smell, reminding her of salty caramel, she once ate a very fancy dinner. When she took the next bite, the taste was gone, and she was about to as Nick about it, but the fox has just closed the office doors behind him. Judy shrugged, as she knew she will have time to ask him tomorrow.

The second time happened the very next day. Some time ago, Judy was asked to temporarily take cadets through their morning PE classes, as Major Friedkin’s pregnancy forced her to stop straining her body, and she paw-picked Judy as the best candidate. During her stay at the academy she got used to the peculiar, aggressive smell of showers, both before and after classes; she didn’t judge, as she was sweating herself every morning as well. And it was when she was walking alongside the closed entrance to the male showers that she caught a whiff of the same smell.

At first, she thought that one of the guys used a shower gel with the same ingredient, but once she smelled it again, she realised she was wrong. The aroma has changed, yet it evoked the same feeling she remembered from yesterday. She looked around, as she just realised how she must have looked to others, though fortunately, the only other officer was at the far end. She breathed in again, and this time the scent was mixing with the unmistakable musky smell she expected in such a place, though it wasn’t as repulsive and sharp as she might have thought.

She turned around, and she yelped when the door of the lockers corridor nearly hit her in the face, though she managed to jump back just in time.

- Woah, careful, teach’. - Nick spoke, his eyes widened. - Hang on, what were you doing in here…? - Not what you are thinking, Nick - she replied.

Her nose twitched, detecting the pleasant whiff again. If her “shower gel” theory was correct, then it must have been Nick.

- Blueberries? - she asked, throwing a shot in the dark. She knew it was his favourite.

Nick raised his brow.

- Is that a proposition, a new nickname, or a safe word? - Stop it, Nick. - she snorted - Never thought you’d be the one to use one of those fruit-smelling shower products. - Oh, please, Judy. We all know perfectly well how this world works. Girls get the shampoos like “Delicate Raspberry Ensemble” or “Fairy Pineapple Wind” - he spoke enunciating each word - And we, males, get “The Storm of Testosterone” or “The Whirlpool of Death”. That’s how nature works.

Judy laughed, walking alongside the corridor, forgetting for a moment about her curious discovery.

For the next few months, Judy kept finding traces of the mysterious smell, to the point she even went to a spice shop in one of the Zootopia districts, in vain hope maybe they can help her, but the elusive smell kept changing, as if it was deliberately toying with her. And the answer came from the most unexpected of places.

- Oh, how I missed this. - Major Friedkin cheered, sipping a glass of cognac she was given as a present when she returned. - Well, we knew you’ve got the taste. - Judy spoke. - And thank you for taking up my duties, I have already heard the boys hate the mornings, which means you’ve done damn good job.

She replied with a would-be-polite smile, and looked around, finding an argument to leave the conversation she was kinda robbed in.

- Say, where’s-where’s your husband? I think I haven’t congratulated him yet. - Oh, he’s there, showing pictures of our cubs.

Judy followed her paw, and she took a moment to realise that the she was pointing at rather short, chubby brown bear with huge glasses, happily giggling with Clawhauser at his smartphone.

- Oh, right. - I know what you mean. - Friedkin started - How come me and him would ever get together, right? - Actually, that’s not what I- - It’s the scent, I tell you.

Judy’s ears perked up at once, she turned her head at once and even pressed her paw at the polar bear’s massive arm, preventing another drink from delaying her answer.

- Scent? - she asked, standing up on her chair, ignoring how the very unusual pose she was in mus look like - What do you mean? - Well, you know. - she replied jovially - The scent of destiny, tigers from the East came up with this, I think. It’s the smell of your mate, that only you can detect, you know. The one true love, and whatnot. Not real, but I like it as explanation. Certainly beats “I met him online.”

She continued talking, never realising Judy was no longer holding her hostage, and that the bunny was back on her chair, lost in her thoughts, as if she just received some grave news. And then, before she looked up, she already knew who joined Clawhauser and Friedkin’s husband. She took a deep breath, and once again, she was back on the trail leading her up to the red fox laughing on the other side of the room.

- Oh cheese and crackers. - Judy whispered, and grabbed the bottle of cognac, taking a healthy gulp.

She tried to rationalise it over the next day. That it was unlikely, far-fetched, and that they were simply biologically incompatible, but the more she thought about it, the more it made sense. And Judy would have remained in her state of deep confusion if not for the robbery.

Four police cars surrounded the bank in the cold Tundratown, and Judy, together with Nick went inside. The two split up, trying to cover all sides of the spacious hall, and she signed at the other two teams to do the same. She threaded carefully around the pieces of broken glass from the shoot-out. She looked around, trying to see the position of her colleagues, but from her side, she couldn’t see anything without giving herself away due to the low screens separating the cubicles. With a gun ready in her paws, she was abut to lean from behind one of them, when she heard Nick’s terrified voice.

- Judy! Duck!

Without hesitation, she followed him, and next moment, her ears were filled with deafening noise of the bullet that shot the material above her head. Two more shots followed, the last from the police gun, which ended the harrowing mission.

Though it wasn’t him who shot the robber, and he wasn’t injured, Nick was offered a blanket and a warm cup of tea just like Judy and the hostages, while the medical services worked in the aftermath of the robbery. Judy curled against Nick, smelling the raspberry tea in a plastic cup, taking one calming breath after another, counting her blessings.

- Thank you, Nick. - she spoke softly - I’m gonna mention you in the report. - I’m glad you’ll be the one writing it. - he chuckled - I wouldn’t know where to start… - “Officer Hopps was saved thanks to the keen eye of the brave Officer Wilde, who…” - Judy started mockingly, but was quickly interrupted. - Nose, not eyes. - Huh? - I smelled you. I think. - he took another sip - I just knew you were behind that screen.

For a moment, Judy didn’t hear the commotion around her, as she looked into her partner’s eyes, torn with conflicting emotions that seemed to have been on his mind for some time.

- I-I mean, I’m not sayin’ you smell bad, or anything, it’s just-

Nick corrected himself, but was promptly cut off by Judy’s lips pressed against his, tasting far more than the cheap raspberry tea on them.

With each piece of clothing torn from his body, Judy was closer and closer to the not-so-mysterious smell that was driving her crazy. Now that she knew exactly where it came from, and what it meant, she had no excuse not to utilise their day off, and kept digging, until she finally saw his red fur. Nick’s paws took a much gentler job at removing her clothes, to the point she was outraged that his much bigger claws weren’t turning her naked faster.

- Can’t-can’t you smell it? - she asked, drawing sharp breathes, as she nuzzled against his now-naked chest. - Oh, trust me, Carrots, I can…

He growled, and lifted her off the floor, just to throw her onto her bed, before he dived between her legs, and her small apartment was filled with a carnal, hungry scream. Though she would love the feeling of Nick’s tongue on her pussy, she wanted to smell him once more, and she desperately dragged him up, just so the musk from his chest can fill up her nostrils, and make her body shiver from the enticing, mind-bending aroma.

- Careful, fluff, or you’re gonna take me all of at once. - I wouldn’t mind that.

She looked up at him, saw the confused look on his face that turned into a wide grin as she moved down, trailing his chest with kisses, until her face was at the level of his boxers, and his raging erection. The moment she pulled them down, an aggressive, but captivating smell hit her, but it couldn’t even compare to what happened when she took him in her mouth. The salty, tangy, wild smell now combined with his potent taste exploded inside her, overfilling her senses with every version of the sensations she kept experiencing for the past months. And just when she was ready to bob her head up and down, she felt Nick’s paws on her shoulder and thighs, and she protested when he pulled her from him.

- H-Hey! - she let out a cry of desperation, that quickly turned into a moan of satisfaction when she realised Nick was turning her around. - Sorry, Carrots, but I have a flavour I’ve been dying to taste as well.

Though she couldn’t see his face now, the feeling of his long tongue against her pussy made it up for it, and she let him know about it with another moan that reverberated against his soft skin of his cock, as she took him deeper down her throat. With her lust-driven mind, she didn’t care that this differed radically from what her first time could look like, or that she acted like a nymphomaniac floozy; she only knew she had to smell him again.

And she received far more than she bargained for, when after a few minutes of her tongue-work, Nick cried her name against her overflowing sex, and her mouth was filled with a hefty, thick stream of the most delicious and erotic drink Judy could have imagined, and as if her life depended on it, she made sure that not a single drop of it would escape her lips. She gulped it down, her body shivering with each rope of cum that got into her belly, and only when she drained Nick of his first orgasm, she let a cry herself, giving Nick chance to taste the smell he was craving as well. His tongue lapped against her pussy, diving inside for more and more, and the spasming walls of her sex kept gladly producing more for the thirsty fox that revelled in the aroma his nose was pressed against it.

This time, despite her quivering thighs, Judy turned herself around, and their lips met again, exchanging the wide palette of sweet, salty, bitter and sour tastes they produced for each other. And then they parted, Judy spoke her mind.

- Mark me as yours, fox.

She dreamt nothing more of smelling him on her, not just tonight, but the rest of her life, and with a grin on his face, Nick toppled her to her back and gladly began fulfilling her wish. Time after time, Nick claimed her as his, and though he was hesitant a few times, Judy encouraged him, with a few strong words, or a strong kick of her legs closed behind his back, to paint both her insides and her fur with his spunk. The warm air of her room only helped their scents mix, and by the time they fell asleep, neither of them could differentiate theirs, and the two fell asleep, light-headed from abundance of the new aroma they’ve spent hours producing.

When Judy woke up, the memories of last night began filling her memories, causing her whole body to shudder, as the pleasant muscle pain reminded her of the many climaxes she lived through. She took a deep breath, realising it was once again, the smell that brought her from the land of dreams. She looked to the side, hoping to find her mate, but met only an empty dent in the messy bedsheets. She turned around, and her worries were gone, when she saw him just in his boxers, leaning against the doorway to her kitchen.

Apparently, mating smelled like morning coffee now.

#wildehopps #lemon #zootopia #judy hopps #nick wilde #Anonymous

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empress-imperia · 7 years ago

Photo

Uncharacteristically, Chief Bogo had forgotten to tell Irons that Mayor Terrence Hornbull, Dawn Bellwether's successor, had already granted Precinct One the right to the Jerry Mousekewitz Case in light on his death. In any case he hadn't slammed the receiver into its cradle because of Iron's predictable attitude. He'd slammed the receiver because he was currently undergoing horrific torture.

He hadn't been abducted by gangsters. He hadn't even been pranked by the infamous Wilde. No, it was something much, much worse. It had him feeling sick in the stomach. It had him frozen to his desk chair in complete agony. It had him on the very brink of insanity twenty-four/seven.

As he sat at his desk, fists clenched and itching to trash the phone completely, there was a knock on the door. He saw a very welcome round dark shape through the fogged glass. "Come. In." He said through clenched teeth.

In walked Benjamin Clawhauser, a receptionist and dispatcher averting nearly every cheetah stereotype in the book, smiling sympathetically as he held up a paper grocery bag. "I got some more pure water, sir. I also got some cranberry juice and some aspirin. I'd ask how you're feeling, but well, you know..."

"Officer Clawhauser, you do not want me to answer that." Bogo replied stiffly. "But if you must know, it feels like a psychopathic grandmother is stabbing at me over and over with sharpened knitting needles heated to near melting point."

Clawhauser raised his eyebrows, his mouth as small as a ring hole. "That's... disturbingly specific. My aunt just said she had an alien inside of her. Anyway..." Putting a smile back on, he placed the bag on the desk and pulled out the contents. "How's your peeing going? Still clear or light yellow?"

Bogo groaned and clasped his hooves over his head. "For god's sake, officer!"

Clawhauser took a step back, having already realised he'd said something he shouldn't. "Sorry, sir! Just worried about your health!"

Bogo sighed and carefully put a hoof to his side. "I know."

It had been one week since his torment started, and five days since the doctor had confirmed that the source was indeed the bane of a middle aged mammal's existence. The best and worst way to deal with his ailment was to wait it out and drink enough fluids to prevent dehydration. It was best because in most cases medical treatment was expensive and needless. It was worst because it meant enduring the little cluster of nails and razors within his body for god knows how long. However he wouldn't be Chief Bogo if he couldn't grit his teeth and bear it with a mask of his typical apathy, which was the reason no-one found out about his suffering until the fifth day.

It was Bogo's fault, really. If he hadn't summoned Clawhauser to his office to discuss the training of the new night shift receptionist, the cheetah wouldn't have been present when a sudden stab of horrific pain had caused Bogo's mask to slip for a split second. As it turned out, Clawhauser's older relatives had a long and sordid history with this particular medical condition from hell. As a result, he not only knew the signs, but a variety of natural remedies which he immediately listed out to the exasperated Chief before he practically ordered his subordinate back to his desk.

Bogo supposed he should be thankful that out of all his officers, it had been Clawhauser who found out. This was the same officer who had discovered Bogo's guilty pleasure in Gazelle and kept quiet about it ever since. He couldn't say the same for anyone else, especially the insufferable Wilde. That cheeky fox would have a field day.

"I'm fine, really. I'm drinking more fluid than I can take and working has been helping to take my mind off it." This half-truth would hopefully keep Clawhauser from being too worried to concentrate on his work. "You should get back to your desk."

"Yes, sir. Are you sure you're up for the Bullpen?" He must have noticed that Bogo looked especially pained this morning.

"It has to be done. That criminal who died this morning was wanted by Precinct Two and an investigation is being launched."

"I get it. Priority number one." Clawhauser said, having delivered Bogo the news himself not long ago. It wasn't often that Bogo addressed the Bullpen twice in one day, but Jerry Mouskewitz's case was a special one. "Any priority number ones for me, sir?"

As it turned out, Bogo did. "The mayor is paying a visit later this morning, and it's his first time here since his election. Until he leaves you are to stay as far away from your phone and all Gazelle related media as possible. Is that clear?"

"Crystal." Clawhauser nodded. As the first face a mammal would see upon walking into the ZPD, he knew full well that first impressions were everything.

"Good. Dismissed."

Clawhauser walked out, leaving Bogo with his pain, his suffering, and the batch of natural and synthesised remedies the eager young worker bee had left for him.

Bogo reached for the pure water and filled his glass. He consumed the cool liquid in one go. Maybe it was just the constant pain of a jagged, crystalline kidney stone no bigger than a piece of gravel from the driveway making him soft, but he was seriously considering giving Clawhauser a raise.

Ten minutes later, he heard the receptionist's cheery voice coming from the intercom on the phone. "Sir, Hopps and Wilde just called in. The ambulance has just reached the crash site."

"Good." The chief replied curtly with the press of a button.

"In related news, Officer McHorn has just got back from that false alarm in the Rainforest District. He's waiting for you in the Bullpen with the other available officers."

"Right. I'll be there in a few." Bogo was already reaching for the two red files on his desk.

Clawhauser made a noise of doubt on the other end. "Sir, Hopps and Wilde aren't back yet. I don't think they'll be happy if you leave them out of this one."

Bogo tucked the files under his arm and downed some cranberry juice. "Clawhauser, they joined this case the moment they pulled over Mousekewitz. I'll give them their own assignment when they return."

"Okay, sir. Oh, and keep your chin up. That stone's gotta come out at some point. You'll se- hello again, McHorn!" Bogo heard McHorn's dull tones but couldn't hear what he was saying. "Sorry, sir, McHorn's just wondering why you haven't shown up yet."

Bogo snorted. "Tell him I'm on my way."

Clawhauser did just that. This time when McHorn spoke, Bogo could understand him. "Right. Thanks."

"See you later, McHorn!" Clawhauser had raised his voice a little. The grumpy rhino must have already started walking back to the Bullpen. "Tell your wife I said... er, McHorn? McHorn you've got something on your... omigosh! McHorn, wait! Wait, come back! Chief Bogo, we've got an intruder on the ground floor!"

By then, Bogo had already vacated his office.

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It had been two years since Delgato and Grizzoli had last been assigned to a stakeout, and they'd both forgotten how dull it was: hours upon hours of waiting in their unmarked car, waiting for Meeko the Cracker Thief to show his ugly masked face. Thank god for the public toilet across the street, a fair distance from the bar where the raccoon was supposedly boozing.

Thankful for the Snarlbucks latte Grizzoli had procured to fend off the Tundratown cold, Delgato took a small sip from the steaming beverage. He sighed, ready for another sip, when he saw some unusually busy activity even farther down the street. Four vehicles were pulling into the empty cark park.

Grizzoli saw the vehicles and frowned. "Wait a sec, aren't those the cars that were at the crash site earlier?"

They both eyed the cars, Delgato glancing at the bar every now and then for signs of Meeko, keeping a small photo of the thief in his paw for reference. Through the chain link fence that marked the cark park boundaries, they saw the eight occupants climb out and gather in the middle of the frozen tarmac. The two cops watched for a little longer. The eight commuters remained in their huddle, engaged in a conversation they couldn't hear. Delgato grabbed his radio. "You keep watching for Meeko and I'll call this in. The chief will want to know about this."

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Clawhauser initially thought to call Forensics to borrow a jar, but there was no telling how long that would take. He had to deal with the situation before McHorn's stowaway was discovered and panic ensued. The big rhino wasn't the only one on the force who was scared of spiders.

A second solution sprung up. He quickly stuffed the last few donuts into his mouth and turned the box upside down to empty any lingering crumbs into the trash can inside the ring shaped desk. Box in hand, he planted a BACK IN FIVE MINUTES sign on the desk next to his snow globe and rushed towards the Bullpen.

As he neared the Bullpen he heard the sound of men engaging in indistinct chatter. Chief Bogo hadn't arrived yet, and McHorn was still unaware of what was crawling on his back. Clawhauser stopped running just before he reached the doors. His plan was simple. Go inside, walk up to McHorn, get the giant spider off his back before he noticed, put it in the box and get out. Okay, it sounded simple.

Well, here goes nothing, Clawhauser thought as he went inside.

Due to the unique nature of this meeting, only a quarter of the seats were filled. Yet the room was still as lively as it always was with a full house. Clawhauser looked over the handful of bears, lions, hippos and one tiger and spotted the head of McHorn in his usual spot up front, his eyes on the podium as he waited for Bogo to show up with the assignments. Clawhauser swallowed and started his slow approach through the gap that ran through the middle of the chairs and tables.

"Zugk zugk, what brings you here, Bejaminy! You got more news for the Chiefy?" came a raspy squeak from halfway up the gap.

Clawhauser stopped, looked down and saw Officers Jaq and Gus on a table sipping cups of coffee that would have fitted a dollhouse. He knew that Bogo wanted their case file on Jerry Mousekewitz, but he hadn't expected them to come all the way here from Precinct Five in Little Rodentia. "Oh, um..." Clawhauser nervously drummed his fingers on the empty box like it was a bongo drum. "Just need a quick word with McHorn."

He continued up the rows of tables, reaching McHorn just as a thought came to him. It was very odd that no-one in the moderately sized room had seen the plate-sized arachnid on McHorn's back. One good look at the rhino told him why.

Son of a gun, it's gone!

McHorn's ear twitched and he looked to see a stunned Clawhauser standing right behind him. "What're you doing here?"

Clawhauser gulped loudly. "Looking for creepy crawlies." With that he dropped down on all fours and started searching under the tables.

McHorn rolled his eyes and turned back to face the front.

With Officer Higgins investigating a break in elsewhere in Savannah Central, there was no-one to announce the arrival of the chief before the side door opened. Underneath an empty table at the back left corner of the room, Clawhauser stifled a groan. The cops started their usual ruckus as Bogo, his posture stiffer than usual, reached the podium.

"Alright, quit it!" He snapped. On command the cops stopped and sat back down. "I've got one item on the docket and no mood for drivel, so I'll cut right to the point. This morning, known criminal Jerry Mouskewitz was killed in a car crash on the outskirts of Sahara Square. For those of you who don't know..."

Clawhauser continued crawling along the underside of the row of tables, no longer listening. He'd already heard of the infamous Triple-Casino-Heist Case. Five years ago, Jerry Mousekewitz had performed the biggest heist in the history of Zootopia: in one night he robbed three Tundratown Casinos blind. Four hundred million dollars had disappeared without a trace, as well as the rodent who had stolen them. Initially the case had been given to Precinct One, but as the years passed and other important cases came up, it had ultimately been left in the hands of Precinct 2, something that had deeply dented Iron's pride until he saw the case as an opportunity. For years they searched for Jerry with no success, to the point that the case almost went cold. Then two weeks ago, Jerry was spotted in Little Rodentia, planning to escape the city under the alias of Dr. Padraic Ratigan. If Clawhauser could hazard a guess, the mouse had been enacting his escape plan when Hopps and Wilde tried to pull him over, triggering the high-speed chase and its fatal conclusion.

Clawhauser was getting anxious. He was crawling down the next row, but there was still no sign of the spider. He looked at the large legs of the cops, all of which were capable of squishing the spider with one step. He cringed at the thought of the little guy getting hurt and kept searching, until-

"Clawhauser!"

Thump! The table shook as Clawhauser bumped his head. Bogo had spotted Clawhauser right after putting on his glasses to hand out the assignments. "What are you doing down there? Why aren't you at your desk?"

Rubbing his head, a blushing Clawhauser crawled out and stood up. All he could do was tell the truth and hope that he wouldn't be too harshly punished. "Sir, we have a minor situation. Please don't flip out, but-"

The side door opened again and in walked Mayor Hornbull, burly rhino and Mayor of Zootopia. Sporting a stubby horn and a thousand dollar grey suit, Hornbull strode across the room and stopped at the podium beside Bogo.

Clawhauser felt himself go pale. The mayor was a decent enough sort, but his arachnophobia was greater than anyone else's in this room.

Frozen to the spot, his arms nearly crushing the empty donut box, Clawhauser watched as Hornbull put a hand on Bogo's shoulder and exchanged quiet whispers with the buffalo, who looked less than pleased at the unexpected interruption. After a few seconds Bogo grunted and tilted his head down slightly.

Clawhauser's heart skipped a beat. There it was, perched on Bogo's horns.

He was the first to notice, but he was not the last. Some of the cops exchanged perplexed looks and peered at the creature, unsure if it was really a large insect or some abnormal hat. McHorn turned white and shrank back in his seat.

Clawhauser nervously lifted a paw. "Sir."

"Not now." Bogo said with a glance, oblivious to his living horn decoration. The tarantula twitched, startled by the sudden movement.

Clawhauser was terrified, but not of Bogo. A fall from his height would likely kill the spider. "Sir, you've-"

"Not. Now." Bogo cut him off through gritted teeth. With the rhino's hand still on his shoulder, he and Hornbull spoke a little more before he turned back to his men, who were still staring at the creature on his head. "Ladies and gentlemammals, I would like to introduce you to the Mayor of Zootopia, Terrence Hornbull. Some of you may also know him as the founder and owner of the three casinos that the late Mousekewitz robbed five years ago. As you can see he is very anxious for the case to be resolved and the money to be returned safe and sound. I have given him every assurance that despite Mouskewitz's unexpected death, we will..."

As Bogo continued speaking, Clawhauser pulled out his phone and sent a text. He heard a faint buzz come from Bogo's pants. The spider quickly crawled further back behind Bogo's horns until only its abdomen could be seen. Bogo pulled out the phone and saw the text.

[Giant spider on head!]

Bogo blinked and reached up, but the spider had crawled out of sight. He ran his hoof along his horns and rubbed his neck. He glared at Clawhauser. "Is this supposed to be a joke?" He asked dangerously.

Clawhauser sent another text. Bogo looked at the message on his phone, and this time, so did the mayor.

[NO JOKE. SPIDER JUST CRAWLED ON MAYOR'S ARM.]

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Fangmeyer entered the Precinct to be greeted by an empty reception desk and the sound of a woman screaming.

Her fur stood on end as she realised it was coming from the Bullpen, and she pulled out her tranquiliser gun. Sprinting past the befuddled officers that littered the main hall, she almost burst through the Bullpen door when the door opened a crack and the sight of Officers Jaq and Gus stopped her in her tracks.

Fangmeyer looked sharply up at the nearly shut door and the screams that came from it, then back down at the two mice. "What the hell is going on in there?"

"A tarantuly has infiltrated the ZPD." Jaq said, as Gus desperately tried not to laugh.

"A tarantula?!" Fangmeyer would have started laughing herself, but then she heard other raised voices trying to calm the source of the high-pitched screaming. "D'you guys think Bogo can get the lady in there to calm down, or will he need backup?"

"That's the mayor."

"Really?"

"Really."

Fangmeyer was about to ask if she should get involved when a rookie rushed up and reported that Delgato and Grizzoli had spotted a situation in Tundratown.

#zootopia fanfiction #Zootopia #Officer McHorn #Benjamin Clawhauser #chief bogo

0 notes

loyalheartss-blog · 6 years ago

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also, to answer that anon’s question as to whether or not any other ZPD officers have names, there are a few ! here’s a list of them:

mchorn (rhino)

rhinowitz (rhino)

krumpanski (rhino)

fangmeyer (tiger)

jackson (tiger)

wolfard (wolf)

frnacine pennington (elephant)

bob trumpet (elephant)

delgato (lion)

bob johnson (lion)

higgins (hippo)

grizzoli (polar bear)

snarlov (polar bear)

andersen (polar bear)

#○ gen. ↘ ooc. 」#finger guns @

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extraneousdominomask · 6 years ago

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Of Heists and Hustles - The Abridged Version

[Night in Zootopia. The Nope Diamond is travelling to The Museum, and all the cops are helping. All the cops except]

Judy: This sucks! I wanna help!

Nick: I am ambivalent.

[The Cooper Gang waits nearby, ready to steal it!]

Sly: I'm a thief!

Bentley: I'm a hacker.

Murray: I'M THE MURRAY

Sly: This sucks. I'm bored.

McHorn: Oh god! We're all getting beaten up by a giant shirtless cat!

Sly: Amazing!

[Sly meets Tai Lung. He is giant and shirtless.]

Sly: I have stolen the diamond!

[Tai Lung hits him very hard.]

Judy: Stop right there! You're under arrest!

[Tai Lung hits her very hard.]

Tai Lung: I will now kill you.

Sly: Not if I heroically intervene! It's my Establishing Character Moment! I do nice things but for selfish reasons maybe!

[Everybody fights. Nick throws the diamond. Judy throws herself after it. Both land in a river.]

Nick: I am anxious!

Tai Lung: I am leaving.

Judy : I am the world's greatest cop!!!! but also cold and wet

[It's still night. The same night and everything! Tai Lung is running across rooftops.]

Tai Lung: I am the best at running across rooftops!

Sly: Get on my level, amateur, you don't even know I'm following you.

Tai Lung: What?

Sly: Nothing.

Bentley: Sly, what's happening?!

Sly: A bad guy tried to steal the diamond and hurt a policewoman. I am following him because I hate him.

Bentley: Your libido will be the death of us all.

[It's The Museum. The curator of The Museum is Black Panther. Yes, really.]

Okonkwo: Thank you for saving the diamond. I hired Wolf O'Donnell to protect it, but he hasn't been written into the story yet. Would you like to come to my fancy party on Friday?

Nick: Heck yes!

Judy: As long as we don't die horribly before then, ha ha!

[Awkward silence.]

[It's a gross warehouse. There are hyenas.]

Shenzi: We're hyenas!

Banzai: Except now we're also bikers!

Tai Lung: Move aside. I hate you.

[A tiny nerd uses a telephone.]

Peridot: I'VE SPENT A LOT OF EFFORT ENSURING MY BOSS IS A SECRET!

Mastermind: Ironically, it is transparently obvious who I am.

Sly: I've just taken photos of all of you!

Tai Lung: What! I will now kill y-

[Murray hits him with a van.]

Murray: let's BOUNCE

[It's the ZPD morning briefing! With your host, Chiiiiiiiief Bogo!]

Bogo: Let's get this over with. I have strict orders to distract from the fact this entire chapter is exposition by utilizing

Sly: snazzy scene transitions!

Bentley: ...why did you yell that?

Sly: Just run it, Hardison.

Bentley: This is Tai Lung. He punches. This is Peridot. She hacks. These are the hyenas. They're dumb, and, furthermore, stupid. Squeezing them might reveal the mastermind, who I have been unable to identify.

Sly: And what about

Judy: the oddly attractive raccoon, Chief?

Bogo: He's Sly Cooper. He and his friends steal things for fun, mostly from other criminals. But sometimes they don't, I guess. We have an Interpol agent coming to help us. That is all.

Nick: Wow, I wish all our briefings could be this short. That just leaves

Sly: Nick and Judy!

Bentley: Yes. Nick and Judy. They are friends who fight crime.

Sly: I will befriend them also. Get me a telephone.

Judy: I just got a text! Sly wants to meet us.

Nick: Guess we better investigate.

Judy: Sounds like a plan, my dearest friend who I love and share a house with!

Nick: So are we boning or what?

Judy : Unclear!

[Nick and Judy are in a park, reading a newspaper of wacky mayoral candidates.]

Nick: Look at all these wacky mayoral candidates! Like Toriel Undertale! And Scar!

Judy: "Scar" is a dumb name.

Nick: Yes.

Clawhauser: It's me, Clawhauser, over the radio! Bogo wants to see you, Nick!

Nick: Heck. Don't die, Judy.

Judy: Okay!

[Nick leaves. Sly enters.]

Sly: Wanna team up?

Judy: Only kinda!

Bogo: Come in, Wilde, and meet our Interpol liaison.

Nick: Great, some stuffed-shirt two-bit - ¡dios mío, zorra muy bonita!

Carmelita: Hello, I'm Inspector Carmelita Montoya Fox. And I should hope you mean that to be translated literally, not colloquially.

Nick: You work for Interpol?! That completely invalidates my significance as a street-level officer in Furry New York.

Carmelita: True. But remember: Star Fox.

Nick: Star Fox?

Carmelita: Yes.

Bogo: Wilde, you've been chosen to work with Carmelita because you know the city like no-one else.

Carmelita: Pretty good justification for why I'd team up with a complete rookie, right?

Nick: If I don't have Judy helping me I might cry. Just a heads up.

Bogo: In a somewhat out-of-character move, I will grant Hopps freedom from usual department rules.

Carmelita: In a very out-of-character move, I am okay with this.

Nick: The important thing is that I got what I wanted.

Carmelita: Congratulations. Now if you'll excuse me, I should go get my ninety minutes of daily sleep.

Bogo: Wilde, for god's sake, learn some independence. Hopps could die at literally any moment, you ever think about that?

Nick: Yes!!!!! Constantly!!!!!!!!!! It consumes me from within!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bogo: Well, good. As long as you're aware.

Nick: Star Fox?!?!

Judy: Yes.

Sly: Go arrest the hyenas to find the mastermind.

Judy: Smart plan. But my partner isn't gonna like this.

Nick: I don't like this!

Judy: Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease? Just once!

Nick: Fine. Just once. Oh, also, the Interpol inspector is a fox, and also also, Bogo is letting you help me help her. Secretly.

Judy: Wow! Wow to all of that!

Nick: Yeah. Now let's go to Ruby's bar.

[It's Ruby's bar.]

Ruby: I'm Ruby, from the show RWBY!

Blake: I'm quiet.

Finnick: And I'm here too.

Nick: oh god

Judy: Are you two not friends any more?

Finnick: It's genuinely unclear in canon if we ever were.

Murray : Time for THE MURRAY to make like a Cold War superpower and instigate a proxy conflict!

[He does. There are many kicks. The hyenas go to jail.]

Tai Lung: Heck.

Carmelita: So Nick and Judy think these hyenas are connected to the diamond heist?

Bogo: I'll be honest, Inspector, I just let them do whatever and they work things out eventually.

Banzai: You'll get nothing from me, copper!

Nick: [is Nick]

Banzai: here is every secret i've ever been told

Nick: So apparently the mastermind is Scar? That's ridiculous. Let's go bother him.

Peridot: HECK!!!!!!!!!!

Carmelita: Great work in there, Nick!

Nick: I was not a con artist!!

Carmelita: ...Cool! See you later.

[It's a slideshow.]

Bentley: Here's the slideshow for my new plan. We'll need three things: alarm schematics,

Sly: Right,

Bentley: an entire subway train,

Murray: NICE

Bentley: and an invitation we'll have to rob from an innocent old man.

Sly: Okay :)

Bentley: ...

Murray: ...That's... kinda evil, Bentl-

Bentley: Yes. It is.

[It's Scar's house.]

Scar: Hello, I'm Scar.

Judy: Are you the bad guy?

Scar: No, I'm Scar.

Nick: How's Mufasa?

Scar: That's unimportant. I'm Scar.

Judy: Are you connected with these hyenas?

Scar: Oh , I'm so sorry, but I haven't "seen" them in years >;3

Judy: ...can we arrest him for making that face

Nick: That legislation hasn't been finalized yet, sorry.

[They leave.]

Nick: Scar basically admitted to everything, but in a way that gives us no evidence. We've got nothing right now, but I'm sure it's him.

Judy: But why? Why steal the diamond?

Nick: Well, everyone loves us for saving the day. If he manufactured a similar situation, he might actually get voted in as mayor.

Judy: A transparently evil fascist using misinformation to win an election? Come on, Nick. This is 2016.

Nick: goddammit judy

Clawhauser: It's time to read Tai Lung's Extended Backstory File!

Carmelita: And I am here as well.

Clawhauser: Oh gosh! He's mostly evil because his dad died! And he did the manslaughter! Mammalslaughter...?

Nick: Yep, it's true. Doing one crime will ruin your life forever. Gotta tick off the Social Commentary box for this to be a real Zootopia fanfiction...

Carmelita: I remain unsympathetic to him in light of this information. My role in this and all narratives is to stick stringently to the Lawful part of Lawful Good. Never trust criminals. No matter how handsome they are.

Nick: But this doesn't explain why Tai Lung is helping Scar become mayor.

Judy: The mayor's office can pardon crimes! Somehow! Even though that really only applies to stuff like parking tickets, not an international crime spree of theft and probably murder!

Nick: In fairness, Tai Lung mightn't know that, Scar just needs to convince him.

Judy: Let's go with that, yes.

[A smol cat stabs Banzai with an umbrella.]

Banzai : Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!! Kill Nick!

[Carmelita shoots him with her Huge Gun.]

Carmelita: Writhe, little man.

Nick: He went savage! But only a little bit...

Judy: What evil genius put this together?

Peridot : AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!! LEGS... SHORT! HNFF

[The Cooper Gang steal a subway train.]

Murray: This is the BEST DAY EVER

[Tai Lung attacks.]

Murray: I change MY MIND

Sly: Go on without me, guys! I'll handle him alone! By which I mean I'm immediately calling Judy for help.

[There are many kicks.]

Judy: Wait! I know your tragic backstory!

Tai Lung: Then go make a gifset.

[His attempts to murder them do not abate. However, Sly and Judy save each other.]

Judy: Gosh, you're amazing!

Sly: No, you're amazing!

Judy: Gosh...

Sly: So are we boning or what?

Judy: Unclear!

Tai Lung: Enough of this vague romantic tension! You're boring me stiff!

[He bores into them until they are stiff.]

Murray: Oh my god Sly and Judy are dead wait, no, they're just sleeping.

Bentley: Yes. We're all terrified two protagonists will die halfway through the story.

Carmelita: Alright, losers, shut up and follow my lead. Time to demonstrate my full prowess as an officer.

Murray: Oh, wow! Are you gonna shoot him?

Carmelita: Murray, please. I'm an Inspector with Interpol. My tactical knowledge is a little more advanced than that.

Tai Lung: I'm going to drown these tiny fools! And there's nothing anyone can do to stop m-

[Carmelita proceeds to shoot Tai Lung in the face multiple times. It is very funny.]

Nick: I've found a way to weaponise his previously-established backstory!

Bentley: Thank god. We've justified that otherwise pointless detour.

Nick: Shut up and hack that telephone, Specs.

[The telephone rings.]

Murray: It's for you!

Tai Lung: Ahoy-hoy?

Nick: It's me! Your boss! Quit it.

Tai Lung: Pop quiz - what's my motivation?

Nick: Uh... you're doing these crimes to not be a criminal any more?

Tai Lung: Close enough. I will begrudgingly follow your suspiciously merciful orders.

Nick: We did it!

Bentley: Nice work. Say, does this look like a flash-bang to you?

Nick: Wh- OH GOD MY EYES

[Judy is propped up on many pillows.]

Nick: Okay, you didn't die this time, but that was pretty close.

Judy: Bring on Round Two!

Nick: I am genuinely begging you to take the day off. More for my sake than yours.

[It's Black Panther's office in The Museum.]

Wolf O'Donnell: And it's me! Wolf O'Donnell!

[Audience applause, cheers, howling.]

Okonkwo: Hello, my vaguely trusted employee. Can I help you?

Wolf: Yes. This job has much more master thieves than advertised. Pay me much more money.

Okonkwo: Your concerns are valid. However, I'm afraid I have no money to spare.

Wolf: ...well then! Forget I said anything. Not important ;)

[Peridot is watching cartoons illegally online - yes, specifically, that's what happened - when Tai Lung appears.]

Peridot: YYYYYYYYYYYYOU MESSED UP!

Tai Lung: Eh.

Peridot: I'M GONNA FIX IT!!!

Tai Lung: Off you go, then.

Peridot: NYEH

Sly: Always treat a lady to chocolates after she saves you from being drowned by a snow leopard.

Bentley: Terrible news! Murray's sick! He's come down with a serious case of Can't Be In The Plot Right Now!

Sly: Perfect! What a convenient excuse to invite Judy to fight slash commit crime with me!

Bentley: Sly, can we please talk about the underlying issues pushing you into this uncharacteristic behaviour?

Sly: No.

[Nick and Carmelita must do computer things.]

Carmelita: I like you, Nick. I'm gonna tell you a bit of my backstory - lord help me, I'll even banter with you.

Nick: Wow. Well, it's an honour being under you.

Carmelita: So are we boning or what?

Nick: Unclear!

[Judy has had the entire day off. She is ready to die.]

Judy: I am ready to make some terrible decisions!

[She receives a text from Sly.]

Sly: check out this hot selfie i took at an active crime scene

Judy: Wow! What an attractive terrible decision!

Sly: want to help me beat up a small nerd?

Judy: i'm there! [rabbit emoji] [raccoon emoji] [gun emoji] [computer emoji]

Peridot: CLODS! STEP INTO MY DEATHTRAP GAUNTLET AND DIE!

Sly: How about................... we don't do that?

Judy: yeah okay

Peridot: NO!!!

[Peridot locks them into an employee lounge, forcing them to Bond(tm).]

Sly: So basically I'm doing this for my dead dad.

Judy: Interesting. Isn't he dead, though?

Sly: Hmm, good point.

[Nick receives a text from Judy.]

Nick: uhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Carmelita: What's up, buttercup?

Nick: On one hand, I should probably keep this a secret. On the other, Please Help.

Sly: My arc is that I can't stop stealing.

Judy: Mine is that I'm probably going to h*cking die.

Sly: Haha wow!

Judy: Hey. Hey, Sly, guess what. I know your tragic backstory too. That's rough, buddy.

Sly: Thanks, Judy. I appreciate it. Y'know, you'd make a pretty good thief.

Judy: And you'd make a good cop!

Sly: Um, funny story,

Nick: You drafted a falsely amnesiac Sly Cooper into Interpol?! That's not a funny story at all! That's melancholic, and deeply concerning!

Carmelita: Look. In my defence... I wanted to bone him.

Nick: That's not-!

Peridot: CLODS! STEP INTO MY DEATHTRAP GAUNTLET AND DIE! PLEASE?!

Nick: Let's cut the power.

Peridot: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Nick: I lied. I actually was a con-artist.

Carmelita: I know, Nick, I've seen the movie.

Sly: You should communicate more clearly with your partner.

Judy: Good suggestion, internationally wanted criminal. I'll get right on that, just as soon as-

[The power goes out and the doors open.]

Judy: Oh, cool, we can beat up that nerd!

Sly: Finally!

Peridot: THIS IS A BAD NIGHT FOR PERIDOT

Tai Lung: Ugh! I'm here to save you.

Nick: They're gone. But we can still arrest Sly - Judy, cuff him!

Judy: Um... no.

[It's breakfast time! Judy... actually, y'know what? I'm not gonna comedically abridge this part. Chapter 16 of this story came out very, very well, especially since I don't consider serious emotion one of my strengths. I might suggest you just go and read it if you're interested. It's the emotional culmination of the separate arcs for Nick, Judy, and Sly/Carmelita that build through the story, and I'm still very pleased with the results. Anyway. It's sad.]

[The Cooper Gang's sad too.]

Murray: I messed up!

Sly: Yeah. Me too.

Bentley: Oh, shut up, guys. You'll feel better when we successfully heist a diamond, I assume.

[Sad, sad, droopy ears.]

Judy: I am so depressed I am willingly performing traffic duty.

Clawhauser: I can't even cheer you up, and I'm Clawhauser!

Judy: She who is tired of Clawhauser is tired of life.

[At The Museum, Wolf is giving a helpful pep talk.]

Wolf: What do we want?

Wolves: Loads of money!

Wolf: How do we want it?

Wolves: From anyone!

Wolf : [tearing up] I'm so proud of you all.

[Nick and Carmelita try to find the Cooper Gang. All they find is a chocolate shop.]

Carmelita: This makes me feel angry!

Nick: I am dead inside. ...Moreso than usual.

[The bad guys are doing okay, really.]

Peridot: I'M VERY SORRY!

Mastermind: Sorta don't care. Is the Night Howler(tm) ready?

Tai Lung: We're using Night Howler on someone?

Mastermind: Oh, we're using it on someone alright >;3c

Tai Lung: how did you do that over the phone

[It's the fancy party! Wolf's manning the door.]

Wolf: I'm casually bullying a guy in a wheelchair! Just in case you weren't sure I was an antagonist.

Scar: Here is a bribe so I can carry skip the security check.

Wolf: I love my job.

Sly: Hiding in the rafters is making me feel a little better.

Tai Lung: Same.

Sly: Agh! What are you doing up here?!

Tai Lung: Right now? Just mocking you for having empathy. Loser.

Judy: Oh, hello, Carmelita. What's up?

Carmelita: This is a little late in the story, but: we have so much common ground. Don't repeat my mistakes. You have deeply impressed me in the threeish days I've known you, and I'm lucky to have met you.

Judy: W-wow. The feeling's more than mutual.

Carmelita: So are we boning or what?

Judy: Gosh, I hope so.

Nick: You enjoying the party, Scar?

Scar : Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmhhh >:3cccc

Nick: Soon, Nicholas. Soon.

Toriel: Excuse me, I seem to have misplaced my child. I'm a competent mother, I swear.

[Judy looks for Toriel's son, Asriel, but instead finds only a crime!]

Wolf: Gimme the diamond!

Okonkwo: What treachery is this?!

Wolf: I've received purely electronic communication from someone claiming to be the Cooper Gang, saying they'll pay me big money for this diamond.

Okonkwo: And you... trust that?

Wolf: Well, not any more. Clearly, Cooper is trying to fool me!

Okonkwo: Clearly.

[Wolf leaves with the diamond. Okonkwo obliterates a wolf with a single punch. He is, after all, Black Panther.]

Okonkwo: Officer Hopps, please help me evacuate the entire museum by claiming that a heretofore-unmentioned fireworks display is about to start, which is mandatory for all guests to attend, but will not actually materialise.

Judy: Wow! You are smart.

Okonkwo: Yes.

[Everyone leaves, miraculously.]

Tai Lung: Time for you to get poisoned by Night Howler!

[Tai Lung gets poisoned by Night Howler.]

Tai Lung: The - the shadowy figure who never so much as told me their name betrayed me?!

Sly: Oh, honey.

Asriel: Golly! I exist for only two things: bein' adorable and wanderin' heedlessly into deadly situations!

Sly: I've known this kid for only half a second but if anything happened to him I would kill everyone in this room and then myself.

[Something almost happens to him.]

Sly: !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[He saves the good good boy. The Cooper Gang regroup-er gang.]

Wolf: You'll pay for this, Cooper!

Sly: who in god's name are you

[There are many punches. Nick, Judy and Carmelita show up.]

Nick: We haven't resolved our issues yet!

Judy: But that won't stop us from DOOR!

[DOOR!]

Sly: Is everyone okay?!

Judy: Yeah, but the three of us are stuck in here with Tai Lung!

Nick: And I'm stuck out here like a tiny orange idiot!

Murray: Don't worry, Jak & Daxter reference! Me and Bentley will try to open this door offscreen!

Bentley: Yes, now's as good a time as any to exit the narrative. Frankly we've been secondary characters for this entire outing.

[Bye, guys!]

Carmelita: I have a novel idea - let's beat up the bad guy, with violence.

Sly: I love you so much.

Nick: Don't worry Judy, you can do this! You're amazing!

Judy: Thanks, Nick. I genuinely needed to hear that. What about you?

Nick: I can do something else. Because I'm also, separately, amazing.

Sly: Hey, cool, People Are Good At Different Things! That's the moral of my whole franchise.

Nick: Here's one for you - Nick Wilde Is The Best. That's the moral of mine.

Judy: Go get 'em, tiger.

[They go get the snow leopard as Nick go gets the lion.]

Nick: Ladies and gentlemammals, I know who's behind this.

Toriel: Is it me?

Nick: Actually, no! It's Mufasa!

Scar: What?! No! I'm ten times the jewel thief Mufasa is! ...Which, um, is zero. Because ten times zero is still zero.

Nick: Let's discuss this somewhere quieter, where it would be hypothetically easier to stab a police officer to death.

Scar: Excellent. Yes.

Scar : Why yes, I am exactly the kind of person to own a cane-sword.

Nick: Contrary to appearances, I am perfectly competent at my job! You're under arrest!

Scar: Curses! But I still have Peridot.

Nick: You really don't. She's gonna abandon you the second my excellent partner stops Tai Lung.

Scar: Ah, but will she?!

[She does.]

Judy: Oh god, Sly is dying!

Carmelita: No! Not like this...

Sly: Oh. Wow. You're... actually really sad. I'm fine actually. It was a prank. Epic... fake internal bleeding to steal a diamond prank! Y'know, that old... um... SMOKEBOMB

Peridot: I WILL NOW MAKE LIKE A LAWN CHAIR AND FOLD.

Nick: Just as I predicted! Everything's done, we can go home.

Judy: But Nick, we need to resolve these emotional arcs!

Nick: uuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[The roof!]

Sly: I'm sad. I ruined everything.

Judy: No, Sly. Not doing crimes is good, actually.

Sly: Source?

Nick: We are definitely not boning.

Sly: More's the pity. Maybe next time.

Carmelita: We might still be, though. Despite everything.

Sly: Hooray! Let's smooch!

[They smooch. I've been publishing fanfics for over six years - well over 200,000 words in the last two years alone - and for so long this was the only kiss in any of my stories. And I wonder why my numbers are low.]

Sly: I'll start making the world a better place by robbing Scar utterly blind! Catch you all later!

Carmelita : No, Sly, we'll catch you.

[Everyone laughs. Sly flings himself from the rooftop.]

Nick: Hey, Carmelita, let's be penpals.

Carmelita: Sure. That sounds like a mildly diverting interquel. I'm gonna get hammered on champagne now, so I'll leave you kids to your Feels.

[She does. Nick and Judy make up and stuff. Whatever.]

[Night in Zootopia.]

Epilogue! The bad guys go to jail, Carmelita learns how to email, Wolf disappears, Finnick gets a job at The Museum because I guess his presence in this story needed to go somewhere, the Cooper Gang's failure means the diamond is safe, Sly has a protracted existential crisis he claims is just him "figuring stuff out", and Nick and Judy - surprise surprise - are still friends. But are they boning? To this day, it remains unclear.

(At this rate, probably not.)

Woah, that was so much faster!!! I wrote this whole thing in under a week. I'm just gonna stick to this format from now on...

#sly cooper #zootopia #of heists and hustles #my writing

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