#ofdarknesseyes

[knot-ee]

Father and son were easily distinguished in appearance and soon showed in the form of emotion and actions. Pensive, closed off, battling their emotions, and deep down wanting desperately to close the awkward gap between them. If the world didn't know better they might have thought Megumi was raised by Toji to learn all his mannerisms. What they had was in the blood. Even in another ten years and half a world apart, the son would be like his father. For a moment Megumi got a brief inkling of that.

For the first time since reuniting, he saw more than the similarities in their green eyes and black hair but his father, this absent man, took the wind out of those sails when he said GUMI. The nerve! As if his father had been an ACTUAL father. It twisted his stomach in knots but those knots felt loosened when the conversation returned to the serious, bigger picture which lied in front of them. For all either of them knew, this reunion would be just a reunion as either or both of them could die in the fight to come.

Very solemn train of thought was upended and a rush of heat hit Megumi straight in the face. He didn't know why. Was it the heat from the anger that was resurfacing? No, it felt different -- his father was being so brave and commanding. Megumi struggled to swallow when he was face-to-face with his father again and just as he thought about turning away ever so subtly, Toji's fingers were grabbing him. It startled him for half a second. He didn't really think his father would hit him again but he certainly wasn't expecting goofiness or fondness. Now he really felt hot all over.

“ Stop. ”

With his cheeks squished, he sounded muzzled; a wolfdog hybrid being domesticated with love he wasn't sure whether he hated or loved yet. It was similar to all the shenanigans Satoru had pulled with his overly affectionate hugs, hair ruffles, and cheek pinching, but it was different coming from Toji. His true father. Hands quickly went up to smack Toji's hands but it wasn't actually meant to harm his father... if such a thing was possible.

“ I always look like this. I look like--- you. ”

Only like a foolish teenager. Only one percent as good looking and masculine as Toji. Green eyes met green eyes and Megumi decided to maintain the steady eye contact. Part of him was curious to see if he kept pushing this relationship would it drive Toji away despite his claims of sticking around. One thing was saying, another thing was facing your son and realizing there was no turning back. His heart was racing faster and faster.

“ I should shower. I probably smell... bad. ”

For the first time it was Toji looking away. Unable to meet Megumi's gaze. Those big green eyes piercing straight into his soul. He knows the feeling. He remembers baby Megumi doing it to him often. But now it felt even sharper and more painful. He knows he deserves it but still he keeps his gaze towards the window. His expression hardened.

Toji could pretend all he wanted. That he didn't care, even if what he did was for Megumi's own good and even if he was a coward on the end. He can pretend but the truth was it hurt. It hurt having to leave Megumi behind. Knowing his little blessing would never understand, why his daddy that he clung to and loved so much would just leave. Toji had decided to rip his own heart out so long ago. But somehow it still fucking hurt even now. Like everything he tried to ignore and suppress was just slowly breaking free from the depths of which he pushed them down and locked them away. Maybe he needed Megumi keit as much as Megumi needed him. Selfish. He was still so fucking selfish!

He closes his eyes and says nothing. Inhaling slowly before he finally opens his eyes and turns to meet Megumi's gaze. And what he saw made his composure almost crack. He saw his Megumi looking heartbroken and distraught. So many years ago he would have picked Megumi up and hugged him to his chest. He would have rubbed his back and showered him in soft reassuring kisses. Because Megumi had always responded better to physical silent reassurance. Words meant nothing. Only actions. Megumi had to be shown that his father was here and not going anywhere. Is that what Megumi really wanted? He said so but that doesn't mean he needs that. He has to stop thinking like that. Megumi is old enough now. He sighs and rubs his own face in frustration

"Damn it, Gumi."

He stands up and walks towards the window. Staring out at nothing.

"If that's what you want. If you're going to fight. I'll fight with you." More like I'll protect you...

"But that doesn't mean we have to rush in without a fucking plan."

He finally turns towards Megumi but doesn't quite look at him yet as if hesitant. After a moment he finally turns fully towards him a new determined look in his eyes and he walks over to him. Crouching down to be at eye level.

"I already told you I wasn't going anywhere didn't I?"

He reached out to grab Megumi's face with one hand. Slightly squishing his cheeks together and grinning softly, it actually reaches his eyes and he looks at Megumi almost fondly.

"Wipe that gloomy look off your face, kid."

[knot-ee]

Suguru did not regret. Well, he did. He regretted not being able to save his daughters earlier and regretted being blind to the injustices of the jujutsu world for too long. How some people (like Satoru) could be born into the world and continue feeding into the sick cycle was beyond him. It made him furious. It filled him with so much rage he could kill every human in the town they were in. Suguru, of course, refrained. His patience was wearing thin, but NO he did not regret approaching the monkey.

If Toji Zen'in EVER fucked up, it would be TOJI who would regret running his mouth and acting like a rabid god damn dog. The machismo of over compensating would get old though; how could the old man keep up with the act for so long? He was forced to bite back; Suguru knew if he sneered it would only motivate Toji to continue his nonsense. He fondly petted the scales of the massive curse even though he felt no fondness for the creature but he liked that it must have looked odd to Toji.

“ That's why I'm plucking your GREEN eyes out and keeping them when you die. ”

Without warning he mentally commanded the curse to take to the skies and flew it did. Curses did not obey the laws of nature, so the creature born out of fear and hate shot forth with tremendous speed. And if Toji fell... Well, Suguru would be there to catch the bastard. A few cockroaches in the form of humans openly stared and pointed at what was the absurd scene of two men floating and shooting forward in thin air. Suguru squeezed the curse tight between his thighs and held onto scales. Once they gained enough altitude, the speed calmed down to the point they could sit relatively comfortable and not have the chill of the air induce hypothermia.

“ I know that won't be the first time you'll be saying that when in my presence. ”

Suguru didn't intend for that to have a double meaning. His mind was pure. Toji was a tool for killing and nothing more. It truly was amazing they were sharing the same space.

“ I won't think any less of you if you need to hang on--- to me. ”

Tone said the direct opposite though. For Suguru this was normal and even among sorcerers riding unprotected on the back of a curse kilometers above civilization was far from normal. It was a shame that such a revolting technique made unique experiences possible. He could swallow a thousand, a million curses, but it would not help him destroy them unless it was through direct violence. Japan did look beautiful from so high above and Suguru took the time to admire it as if he was fifteen again and so naive. His sudden good mood made him more chatty.

“ Did you never ponder the existence of curses? Why they exist and why YOU couldn't see them? ”

This was way too fun. Toji can't even remember the last time he actually felt thrilled like this? Oh yeah when he was fighting Satoru Gojo. Suguru has clearly grown up and he's now someone who Toji can respect on a similar level to Satoru Gojo. Of course he still thinks he has the upper hand since he has more experience but he can't deny the kid was truly something else.

Though he wasn't interested in fighting him or getting on his bad side, at least not yet. He actually wanted to see what Suguru had to offer. To see this insane vision of his. Because he wasn't the first to challenge the Jujutsu sorcerer society so how could he possibly think he was different than those that came before him? Toji wanted to see what Suguru could accomplish but also maybe a small bit of his pride was driving him too.

Toji wanted to show Suguru that he's capable of even more than he thought. That he's not just some assassin for hire that can be walked over and taken advantage of. Toji was definitely the type of dog to bite the hand that feeds it if necessary. Though it might take a lot for that to actually happen. He wasn't going to be reckless here but he also wasn't going to be a complete kiss ass, unless Suguru makes it really worth his while.

"Aw don't be so cold, Geto-sama. I can be a good boy too. Green eyes are more rare than blue you know?"

Toji chuckles and is completely unbothered by the dark locks smacking him in the face. He just follows after Suguru without hesitation.

"Nah."

He shrugs and stands there waiting for Suguru to do his thing. Raising an eyebrow. He doesn't need to see curses to sense then by now. And it's when he senses them that they eventually become visible. Toji had to learn the hard way, he had no curse energy to protect himself but to him the real monsters weren't usually curses... After all his toughest battle of all time hadn't been against a curse.

Toji doesn't hesitate and grabs Suguru's hand getting up onto the curse. He lets out almost a joyful laugh.

"Well this might be a first for me actually."

He glances around. Finding it amusing that Suguru really didn't care if they were seen or not.

[knot-ee]

Better off. The man sure liked to say that a lot and Megumi couldn't figure out why. No, when he thought about it a little more, Megumi knew Toji was saying that to ease his guilt. It was easy to justify leaving your own blood behind if it's under the guise of giving him a better life. What was the worse that could have happened? He, Toji, and Tsumiki would continue to live poor? At least with an adult around, they would have had some semblance of an income.

Megumi wouldn't have been spoiled by Satoru Gojo and maybe not attended Tokyo's Jujutsu Tech, but he would have had his dad. Tsumiki would also have a better semblance of a life. Maybe with the chain of effects Tsumiki's mom would still be alive and Tsumiki wouldn't have fallen into her coma. So many possibilities but the only real thing was the present. Baby Megumi who doted on his father, who loved his father so much, should have tried harder maybe.

He had always been clingy and watchful. Of course Megumi didn't remember how he was as a toddler and baby; his memories only coming to him around the age of three with some spots of memories from earlier. He remembered his father's broad back and black hair, but the poor boy didn't remember how much he would hold onto his dad for all the reasons and none at all. A part of young Megumi was still alive because being held in his arms felt like he was home; he felt whole.

Yes, the teenager was touch starved but really he was regressing to his youth when sitting on his dad's lap was the highlight of his day. When he looked at his dad like Toji was the entire world; he WAS his entire world. Megumi only had Toji and Toji only had Megumi until it wasn't just the two of them. Then again, it had never really been just Toji and Megumi. He grunted softly and like a petulant toddler plopped down on the hotel bed. Fourteen years later and he was still looking at his father with those large judgemental green eyes. This time a cute face wasn't looking at Toji.

“ What would YOU have me do? Stay here on a little vacation until I'm all good? Stay here until the battle is decided? Should we run away. You know a thing or two about that. Runaway and leave everyone else to fight and die? ”

He hated being talkative and so, frankly, hormonal but it really was cathartic. Megumi only needed to punch his father until the man showed genuine regret. Megumi only needed to punch and kick and hug---

“ Are you going to fight with everyone? WITH ME? ”

Alright, Toji knows that was an idiot move. Of course the kid wasn't fucking fine! The list could go on and on about all the shit he's gone through, all the emotions he's struggling with. Toji could say he was sorry and try to explain that he gets it. He could open up about the horrific childhood he had and explain how things ended up this way. But he has no fucking right. He doesn't want Megumi's pity. Hell, the kid was already prone to hating himself and he didn't need to add to that.

When it comes down to it, Toji still had a choice. He made his choice and now they all had to live with the consequences of it. He doesn't let go of Megumi right away. His thumb rubbing against his inner wrist for a brief moment before he finally lets go, sensing Megumi's turmoil.

"I guess I don't know, sorry. Nothing is going to change the fact that I was a shitty dad. But I did think you guys were better off without me in the picture."

He finally says one honest thing at least but not that it does anything. If it weren't for how upset Megumi was he would have thought he was fucking adorable the way he pouts and is all moody shoving a slice of pizza into his mouth. He has to bite back a soft smile. Cute.

There it was. Toji wasn't surprised when Megumi says he has to leave. Though what surprises him the most is his own disappointment. He feels his heart sink slowly. What? Did he really expect for Megumi to want stay around him? Once he really got to see Toji wasn't shit, of course he'd want nothing to do with him. Isn't this what he wanted from the beginning anyway? Things were better this way. Though he wants to tell Megumi to sit this one out. Not to head straight into danger but he knows he can't tell the teenager what to do. So he just nods.

"Once you're all healed up."

There was no way he was going to just let him leave like that though. Plus it would give him just a little bit more time to enjoy his son's presence. Just a little more time is all he wanted he kept telling himself. After that he'll let Megumi live his life in peace.

"But don't say I didn't warn you about not getting involved."

Could Toji walk away now though? Could he just let his son walk into danger? A small voice tells him it's none of his business. His instincts tell him he will keep tabs and make sure he's alright. If he's not dead yet then he might as well do something until he gets sent back to the afterlife again. Even if Megumi doesn't have to know that he's still around. He's always been good at being a ghost, being unseen anyways. Megumi won't even know.

[knot-ee]

As much as Megumi internalized everything while lying to himself, there were others who kept the truth from him. Whether it was to protect him or prevent him from BREAKING was their motives and Megumi knew nothing about it. Tsumiki had been his ONE source of stability. His north star. The girl he made him the boy who he was because he never wanted to disappoint or break her heart... even though he knew he did it countless times. Maybe if he turned down both the Zen'ins (as if it was a choice) and Satoru Gojo to live as a pacifist things would have turned out differently.

There was no point wondering about the past. What was important was the present where Tsumiki lied sleeping and atrophied, and one of the adults responsible for their shitty childhood was sitting next to him. He was a teenager and not only that -- he was a jujustsu sorcerer who only knew that his fate was to fight or die. Longing, happy, sad, and now pissed off.

No, I'm NOT good. Could he say the truth so openly? The teenager bit his bottom lip. He wanted to punch his father and he wanted to punch himself. He was so filled with conflicting emotions that it created self loathing. How could he trust a man that he knew nothing about? Who caused the death of his mother? Megumi wasn't one to use sarcasm but he used it now.

“ What do you think? Do you even know how it was for ---!? ”

FOR US. Megumi hissed out a breath and closed his eyes tight. He breathed hard in and out until he calmed down. With eyes open he retreated back into his seat while holding the slice of pizza like an idiot. Once seated, and he fell down with a thump on the seat, he shoved the slice into his mouth. He would have looked stupid just holding it and in part he used it to shut himself up; Megumi was like an angry puppy stuffing his face while growling. Maybe it was time to go back to his friends and mentors. He had wanted his father to stay and never leave. In part he still wanted that but it was a dream on fire. It never would've worked. With the slice devoured, he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and looked at his father while glaring.

“ I should go soon. I need to help everyone and fight. ”

There's a sudden heaviness in the room and Toji can't help but sit up right to look at Megumi. Despite trying his best not to care he can almost feel the overwhelming emotions coming from his son. He has to bite back the instincts to go and comfort him. Reminding himself that he has no right to try and comfort him, not when he was the source of all his misery. If he hadn't left them both maybe Tsumiki wouldn't have fallen into a coma. If he hadn't left them both, Megumi wouldn't be beating himself up thinking he's unwanted and unworthy. But if he hadn't left them both, what if things ended up worse. What if they got hurt because of him? Toji wouldn't be able to handle that. So either way he was a coward and piece of shit father.

Toji relaxes against the chair again when Megumi confirms that Gojo had indeed took care of them. He obviously knew that already but still... He reminds himself again that Megumi was indeed better off having been raised by Satoru Gojo. The strongest sorcerer was the only one he could trust Megumi with. And he's damn lucky Gojo didn't hold grudges. Not that he had been that worried. He read that kid pretty well and who wouldn't fall for Megumi? Grumpy and moody as he was he had been an adorable child. And he's glad that Satoru didn't hold it against him and decided to take Megumi and Tsumiki in.

His gaze was randomly locked onto something in the distance of the room until Megumi asks him another question. Well fuck... He didn't think he should be the one to talk about this. Toji has hoped they Gojo would have explained things to some extent then again he can't blame him for not either. He didn't want to tell Megumi that it had been him to tell Satoru Gojo about him. That had basically asked him to save him if he felt like it. Or that his new daddy was the one that had killed his real dad. Finally he just shrugs.

"I did some snooping while you were asleep."

It wasn't a lie exactly. When Megumi gets up he sees the redness in his eyes. His Megumi still felt so much yet didn't like to express himself. Typical of the child who used to try not to cry anytime he fell or got hurt. Toji almost smiles to himself as he remembers.

Baby Megumi trying to be strong and independent. Sniffling as he stands and tries to ignore his bloody knee and palms. He fell on the concrete outside. It wasn't until Toji lifted him into his arms and asked if he was okay did he finally start crying and buried his snotty face into his dad's shoulder. Toji chuckled and rubbed his back. "It's okay, Gumi. I got you. We'll get you all cleaned up. Daddy will kiss it better." He kisses the top of his head as he takes him back inside to get cleaned up.

Megumi was right next to him now as he grabbed another slice of pizza. He's glad that he was trying to eat, he needed it and needed to rest up but he can tell Megumi's also going through it emotionally. Gently but firmly he grips Megumi's wrist to get his attention.

"Hey, you good?"

[knot-ee]

Just as his father was feeling too much, his son was letting everything sink in. Well, he had been letting it sink in for the past few hours, and those hours felt like eternity. He always suppressed and suppressed and shoved things down until he felt... numb. Tsumiki's mysterious illness had already hit him like wrecking ball when it occurred and when Satoru continued to insist they would find a way, he felt himself grow more hollow. He HAD to bury his emotions otherwise he couldn't go on doing anything much less be a jujutsu sorcerer.

His heart was always with his sister but he had to distract his mind; the darkness of falling into the abyss creeped into his periphery too often. It took actually verbalizing it and hearing his damned father's apology which threatened to shatter his entire world. He was BARELY hanging on. Tears were gathering quickly and the back of his throat felt itchy and uncomfortable. He had no right to apologize. He had no right to call him with such a casual nickname.

The kids' misery was all due to adults who just took off and abandoned children to their fate. It hadn't been absolutely disastrous if it wasn't for Satoru. And in a twisted sense, if it wasn't for Toji. The man who abandoned the children also assured their future. Megumi's face felt uncomfortably hot. He switched his sitting position so that he was more obscured from his father's view without completely turning his back towards him.

“ Yes... ”

The only thing he could say without completely losing it. He was so weak. So damned weak. He bit his tongue and took a deep breath. He had to gather his strength like he did countless times in the past. Crying didn't solve anything. Feeling sorry for yourself was not a man did, not what a sorcerer did. He shook his head and his face became stony even though his eyes were still red-rimmed. He got up to grab another slice of pizza but he only used it as a distraction. For that matter, how did Toji know so much about Satoru?

“ Wait.. How do you know Gojo took care of Tsumiki and I? ”

It's incredible that somehow Toji can still read Megumi. Sure he may not know him not the way Gojo does now but somehow he can almost read Megumi's thoughts. He's trying to piece everything together. Trying to figure out why Toji abandon him and what their life would have been like if he hadn't left. It hurts for Toji to think about it, especially with the way Megumi seems so deep in thought over it. Now that he knows that this whole time Megumi has probably been beating himself up over it. Meanwhile Toji had thought he was doing the kid a favor. Nothing good would have came from him staying.

He wants to tell Megumi that things were better this way. That his life would have been fucking awful if Toji had stuck around. Though he doubts it will make him feel better. To Megumi, Toji was a shitty dad who didn't care about him and decided to leave and not worry about him anymore. Finally he realizes that he hadn't been doing Megumi w favor. He did the same thing that was done to him. He made Megumi think he was worthless and unwanted. Toji closes his eyes for a second though his expression remains stoic.

Toji has never allowed him the moment to think of what ifs but now he couldn't stop the thoughts from flooding his mind. What if he stayed and raised Megumi and Tsumiki? What if he stayed and somehow made it work. What if he had been the one to raise Megumi, to keep him away from the sorcerer life or to help him train and hone his skills to become everything he wasn't. At least so he can protect himself and those he loves. What if he had been the one to be there when Megumi got hurt, the one to pick him and up kiss it better. The one to pick him up from school. The one who teased and embarrassed him in front to his friends. To just have been there!

Toji is honestly shocked to the core thinking about how that's all Megumi wanted. Despite having a better life with Gojo, all he wanted was him? He doesn't deserve that though. Yet now he realizes he wants it. Though he thinks Gojo did a better job than he ever could have. For the first time Toji feels jealous that he was not the one to have watched Megumi grow into this strong and gorgeous young man he was now. Plus as good as Gojo did or tried, clearly Toji had done too much emotional damage to Megumi by then.

Toji's eyes show a flicker of shock and then what possible looks like sadness as Megumi reveals what happened to Tsumiki. He watches his son, who clearly was affected deeply. Shit ... No wonder. Not only did Megumi lose his father in a way he lost the one person who he considered family. His sister ... To a curse no less? Damn it and part of him had always hoped Megumi and Tsumiki could live normal lives though he knew with Megumi's powers that probably wouldn't be possible.

"Damn, Gumi... I'm sorry about Tsumiki."

It comes out before he can stop himself. It wasn't like he knew. He was probably long dead by the time it happened but still remembering how close they had been and how good Tsumiki was to Megumi. Toji can't help but feel sad and regretful. For the first time in years Toji was feeling. He was feeling too much. After some silence he is unsure of how to comfort Megumi so he just sits there, leaning back in the chair and looking at the ceiling.

"Gojo took care of you guys though, right?"

He finally asks after a moment. He has no right knowing about Megumi's life after he wasn't in the picture anymore but still he couldn't help himself.

[knot-ee]

It's like the last 10+ years were erased and re-written. A world where curses weren't meant to be fought, meant to die at the claws of, and father and son led a normal life. Megumi didn't know what a normal life looked like much less what it would look like with his blood and flesh father. Would he have been a good father?? The neglect pointed that he would not have but in his imaginary world, Toji would have stuck around even if it meant all three of them were still sleeping on futons five years past their prime or eating rice that was technically expired.

Whatever Toji's past and demons had been with the Zen'ins, he was incredibly strong and capable (but he was merely judging that on strength alone) and life wouldn't have been too bad. He didn't want name brand shoes or the tablets the other kids had; Megumi wanted his dad even if it came with that shitty apartment and onigri meals. The three of them because even in this imaginary world, there was no bringing his mother back especially when he had no memories of her.

Megumi, Toji, and Tsumiki. Megumi had shamed himself by using his sister's name to get a response out of his father only for it to be thrown in his face. Then the fences were miraculously mended and he forgot all about her. It was disgusting. Just because Toji opened up his arms and a little of his heart suddenly, the boy had completely forgotten about his sister and how SHE also needed to forgive him. Megumi nearly choked on the last bit of onion from the pizza. The neighbors had asked the children a handful of times what happened to their parents and they had no good response.

Megumi didn't know if his mother and Toji were meant for each other but it sounds like Toji and Tsumiki's mother were. Both fucked up and abandoning their children. Megumi felt angry. He didn't care if he was thrown to the curb, but Tsumiki was precious -- too precious to be cast away like that. His deep frown transformed into a gloomy look. All the color drained from his face. He set aside the last piece of his slice and dropped his eyes; he didn't even realize he had been staring at his dad.

“ She..... ”

Megumi felt so damn guilty. Yuji, Satoru, Tsumiki, all the sorcerers who were fighting and giving their lives to fight Sukuna. He pressed his fist to his forehead and tightly shut his eyes.

“ She feel into a curse related coma years ago. No one has been able to figure it out. ”

Not even the great Satoru Gojo and that said a lot. Years and years Megumi carried that dread and that helplessness. Visiting his sister in the hospital whenever he could but nothing he did was enough.

He wasn’t paying enough attention he realized because when he finally looked at Megumi he saw the redness in his eyes, he had been crying, a nightmare probably. Toji stills, his heart suddenly feeling painfully tight. He keeps forgetting that his Megumi isn’t cold-hearted like him, he isn’t indifferent to feelings like him. Or at least he isn’t good at pretending to be like Toji was. Despite being quiet and to himself, Megumi had always felt a lot. Perhaps that's why he mostly kept to himself even as a child. He never really cried much or when he did it was always when he was alone, or he would quickly try to suck it up and hide his hurt.

Toji moves before he can think rationally. Wiping his hands on the napkin on his lap after he set his slice aside. He grabs Megumi’s face and gently thumbs at a few stray tears. Playing it off as if he’s inspecting Megumi’s healing wounds. He wants to reassure his son, to comfort him, to tell him he really isn’t going anywhere this time even if he isn’t sure how long he can stay. It's such an overwhelming instinct and it doesn’t feel wrong at all but he just isn’t used to it, not after all these years of pretending not to give a damn about anything. It feels strange and a little scary. To care so much…

Once he deems Megumi is fine, he slowly pulls away and goes back to his chair to finish his slice. Almost choking on his slice when Megumi not only says his name but then calls him ‘dad’. It does something to him, he thinks it's just those pesky paternal feelings probably but he can’t explain why his whole damn body gets hot and bothered. He wants to tell Megumi he doesn’t have to call him that. He doesn’t deserve it anyway. But he decides it's best not to address it. Better if he lets Megumi call him whatever the hell he wants to. 

“Yeah, sure thing.” 

He should probably apologize for beating the hell out of him right? Or are they past that? His mind is racing, he really has no fucking clue what he’s doing here. This is so much harder than any battle he’s ever faced. Once again the urge to run hits him but when he glances back at Megumi he is instantly reminded why he isn’t going anywhere. As Toji continues eating in silence, he very subtly sneaks glances at Megumi. Almost wanting to laugh at the way he looked so damn fucking adorable all shy nibbling at his pizza. He is too far, sitting too far… Toji can’t explain why he feels like he needs Megumi closer. Preferably on his lap. Wait! He stops his thoughts right there. Hell, he was definitely going back to hell. Even if he doesn’t remember being dead, surely that's where he was. 

Megumi’s next question has him deciding maybe he shouldn’t eat anymore because he might just choke at this rate. He finishes his slice before answering. 

“Yeah, I married Tsumiki’s mom but then she left me for some rich dude I think, good for her.” 

His brows furrowed as leans back in his chair trying to remember the fuzzy memories. He thinks he vaguely remembers coming home from a long mission and realizing Tsumiki and Megumi had been left alone for days. Toji had been furious but why the hell did he think some woman who didn’t love him nor her own damn child could be trusted with Megumi too? He remembers the look of relief on poor Tsumiki’s face when she saw him. Her mom had abandoned her but not him, that's what her eyes seemed to say and Toji wished she hadn’t looked at him like that because he truly was no better. Megumi only stared at him like he knew, like he saw right through Toji. He couldn’t take it. Once he brought them food, he went out for another mission, to get them more money. From then on he just sent some money to Tsumiki every so often. He knows it was cruel to expect a young girl to take care of his son. But he was a coward and a piece of shit, they were both better off without him.

“You mentioned Tsumiki earlier…” 

He is curious that's all he tells himself after all she did him a favor and looked after Megumi. She promised him she would and it seems she kept to her word. He had been the one to let her down even after all that…

[knot-ee]

One second later and he misses him. One minute later and he misses Toji. Misses his father. He doesn't know how much time exactly they spent. He did remember his father faintly so maybe it was at the age of three or four when his father just disappeared. He wondered all that time. He was bitter, not an ounce missed someone who abandoned and ruined and destroyed. But now Megumi knows how all of those feelings were actually longing.

It's pouring out of him now to the point it's hard to breathe. He's a sorcerer. Sukuna must be defeated and his sensei, who took care of him all these years, needed him. He was being a fool for family. A fool for.... LOVE. But it is love, isn't it? A love between a son and his father. Just that. He couldn't rationalize it because he never felt like it before; no one had given him the chance to feel. There was no doubting he loved his step-sister but the love he felt for her was different. Perhaps it was because she had been there for most of his life. Perhaps because it was a different kind of love. Megumi wanted to hug Toji until time melted away.

Wanted to feel him, be felt by him, wanted... GOD. His skin was tingling remembering the feel of his father's heart beat against his chest and his huge fingers moving through his hair. If he pressed his nose close enough he could smell his father on the hotel pillow. And he did. He buried his nose and ignored the smell of the hotel to try to smell his father. His heart felt heavy and light at the same time. He's so excited (and nervous) he can't shut his eyes.

He's a dog awaiting his master's arrival. I've slept enough. I've slept enough but then he's falling asleep. Falling into a nightmare. One where his father never returns AGAIN. Before he could cry or scream with rage Toji was back. The pain in his heart disappeared and he jumps up into a sitting position. He was hugging the pillow close and had tears in the corners of his eyes. The teenager shook his head, tried to wipe his eyes without drawing attention, and then stumbled out of bed.

He grabbed a slice for himself and ate eagerly, not even caring he looked like a mess or what he was looking down at his father. Smitten. His dad came back. Suddenly the pizza didn't look as appetizing as the man who was sitting so casually. So broadly built. Muscular and rough. He looked like a gangster only... he looked like Megumi and he was capable of tenderness. He was so handsome.

“ Thank you, Toji... Dad. ”

He nibbled away like a mouse until shyness for the best of him. He walked away to curl up on another seat although it was farther away in the large room. He ate his slice in no time but his stomach was in knots.

“ Did you... ever get married again? ”

For a moment he had been so close to leaning in, to closing the gap between them. Fuck! What was wrong with him?! His own son, his own flesh and blood and was he really about to kiss him? There was forbidden and dark yearning that was slowly coming to surface. Why was he so drawn to Megumi? He tells himself it is simply the fact that he's fascinated by how his son turned out. He's curious and he's coming to terms with the fact that he does care deeply about Megumi. Caring about someone, loving someone could be a complex thing. He's just confusing those paternal feelings for something else.

Part of him really wishes he just disappeared before Megumi realized who he was. That he could just keep pretending he didn't give a shit. He doesn't know how to be a father. He doesn't know what Megumi needs. He isn't good for Megumi at all. Yet he's never felt so intensely overwhelmed by his heart's desires. Toji had thought he didn't feel anymore. Not like this. Yet somehow Megumi just broke down all his walls. He doesn't even know what he himself wants from Megumi except he knows he wants to be close. Wants to protect him at least. He'll be selfish for a little while more he thinks.

Toji smirks when Megumi rolls his eyes and pokes his ribs. A low chuckle escaping him as he grabs Megumi's hand. Only releasing it when his son rolls off of him. Immediately missing the weight of him. He doesn't say anything though. Only watching Megumi with an unreadable expression. The want and need to just touch Megumi is almost too much but he refrains. He sits up and just stretches for a moment. Watching Megumi from the corner of his eye as he stands.

"Alright I'll be back with some food then. Get some rest."

He ruffles Megumi's hair gently, his fingers grazing his cheek as he pulls away and heads out the door, forcing himself not to look back to check on his son, or to reassure him.

As soon as he is outside the building he lets a long sigh.

"Fuck..."

He curses to himself and runs a hand through his hair.

About two hours later, Toji returns with large vegetarian pizza, some drinks, snacks and more first aid items Megumi might need. Everything of course bought with that fancy credit card he found in Megumi's wallet.

"Time to eat, kid."

He says in case Megumi was sleeping. He puts things away and brings the food to the bedside table. Pulling a chair over, he plops down and grabs a slice for himself. Groaning in delight when he takes a bite.

[knot-ee]

Had it not been for the age difference between them. Had it not been for Megumi's injuries directly responsible by Toji. Had it not been that they were father and son, a stranger could have thought they were on the brink of kissing. Megumi had barely even seen anything so romantic and cliche. Had never given much though regarding kissing but he felt it. That pull. That sensation. He wanted to lean in closer and closer until.. what? His stomach twisted in knots and his face felt twenty degrees hotter. Megumi was just confused. That was all.

He grew up without a father; this was just him not knowing how to act around a man he had grown up hating and casting aside. It didn't help that Toji seemed just as needy for touch. Did Toji have other children? Did he always want to raise Megumi? Toji's huff and insulted statement thankfully stole his attention. The boy rolled his eyes and veeeery lightly jabbed his dad in the ribs. And just like that Toji earned all his trust? Megumi did want nothing more than to feel his father beneath him. Feel that warmth.

The sensation of being alive and present, but he knew the current circumstances wouldn't allow it for long. He was scared to face tomorrow truthfully. He only then realized he was picking at the strings of his father's sweater and stopped himself. He felt that heat return to his face making him feel shy like he had never been before. Yeah, he did like using his father as a pillow for too many reasons. He ducked his head away with a huff, almost matching his father's, and rolled off of his dad's body.

“ Pizza is fine or Thai food. You can get it. I trust you. I don't eat meat though.. ”

Megumi was testing his father to see if he would return. Just as important he needed to clear his head. It felt too damn good to be around his father. All he wanted to do is touch Toji, look at him, hear his deep voice as he spoke.. He pretended to focused on the surprisingly soft material of the bed comforter; his fingers picked at the stitching.

Despite not being able to see him well with the way he's laying on his chest, Toji could almost feel the expression on Megumi's face. He finds himself grinning. Even with the heaviness of Megumi's questions. Though he didn't reveal much he knows his answers only probably created more questions in Megumi's mind. And he wasn't going to elaborate on anything unless Megumi asked more specifically. Deciding he wouldn't keep the truth from his son anymore but he also won't just volunteer any information easily. The less Megumi knew about well everything the better. Hopefully that would keep him away from the messy politics of the clan and the shitty stuff Toji had been involved in. Though he has a feeling it'll catch up to him eventually...

When Megumi looks up at him he's unprepared for the way his son looks at him. Those beautiful eyes... They were the same color as his but at the same time so different. There was warmth and kindness. He's always known his Megumi was full of love even if he was quiet and showed it in a different way. Toji is for a moment frozen in place, almost as if he wasn't breathing. Unable to stop himself his calloused hand comes up to cup Megumi's face. He was just so fucking gorgeous it was still so jarring to him. Toji knew he was good looking enough but somehow it still was hard to believe that he somehow created something so damn beautiful. Even in the state he was, Megumi was perfect. In Toji's eyes he always would be just like the moment he first laid eyes on him.

He's about to lean in closer their noses touching ever so slightly when Megumi places his hands on his chest. His touch surprisingly firm and warm for the state he was in. He snaps himself out of it and pulls back, remaining still for another moment. His gaze not giving anything away though. He doesn't let his expression show any of the emotions he's feeling. For one he isn't even sure exactly what he's feeling. An urge to hold and protect his son, sure. But there was something more there. Something he didn't want to unravel. Pulling his hand back but only to run it through Megumi's hair and gently force him back down against his chest.

"I already said I'm not going anywhere didn't I?" He huffs and then sighs dramatically.

"I guess wherever you go, I'll go for now. Though I don't think the sorcerers will be happy to see me. Also you're in no fucking condition to even get out of bed yet." Lazily he wraps an arm around Megumi rubbing his back in a soothing manner again.

"You still need to eat. What do you like? I'll go get it. Or if you like using me as a pillow that much, I guess I can order delivery." He teased and ruffled Megumi's hair.

[knot-ee]

Being a sorcerer meant no downtime, and the teenager regretted his line of questioning even though those questions (and more) plagued him. He was torn between melting into a touch he never experienced before and pulling away to tackle the problems. Strong and handsome. The cockiness and ease of speaking reminded Megumi of someone else but he bit his tongue. Toji really was incredibly strong and... incredibly handsome. All the information just lead to more questions. Megumi's background was so foreign to him that he didn't know which of his parents was Fushiguro and which was Zen'in.

Traditionally he assumed his mother took his father's family name but with how convoluted Toji's past was, it was certain he was a Zen'in. Clan politics and jujustu problems were a bottomless pit. Black and all consuming. Megumi's head was spinning but that might have been due to his sore body and his starved stomach. It was never ending and in reality, before Tsumiki fell into her coma life had been fairly normal... all things considered. He was well taken care of, his sister seemed happy, and he was trained without feeling the huge weight of jujutsu sorcery.

The burdens and responsibility multiplied a thousand-fold in a blink of an eye. This is what they trained for except the world and sorcerers had not faced such a threat since the Heian era. With Toji resigning and smacking his head against the headboard, Megumi reluctantly pulled back very slowly and just enough to look his father in the eye. They were very nearly nose-to-nose. Emerald eyes meeting emerald eyes. Megumi's breath caught in his throat. The boy nervously licked his lips.

“ How can I stay away? I need to fight along side my friends, my senseis, my kouhais... ”

He wanted to lean back into his father's chest but the moment was gone. At least he believed it was. Hands tentatively landed on Toji's chest to feel the sheer muscle and warmth even through the clothing.

“ I might need to go back soon, but I don't... I don't want to leave without you. ”

He still remembers the way it felt the first time he held Megumi and the way it felt the first time he fell asleep peacefully on his chest. This felt similar. Toji never thought he'd feel this again. He didn't deserve it but hell he wanted it! Despite Megumi being almost fully grown now, he still felt familiar, his warmth and scent. It was almost like instinct to want Megumi close as possible. The need to protect him even after everything. Even after he was the one to hurt him.

He keeps rubbing Megumi's back gently, dragging his fingers down their spine and then back up then he does the same down Megumi's sides. Firm enough to let him know he's here and isn't letting go. His nose buried in his dark locks and he closes his eyes for a moment to just relax and allow himself to for once not be so cold or indifferent. Though he also still tries to remain chill about it. It was still sinking in that Megumi wanted him and needed him. And slowly Toji was realizing that maybe he needed him too... He gulps.

At Megumi's next set of questions Toji can't help but laugh bitterly. He thinks for a moment. How much should he tell Megumi? How little can he get away with?

"To the sorcerer society? I'm nothing but a thorn in it's side."

He who was useless to them became one of their greatest fears.

"I don't know how I got here. Maybe that was also part of the curse technique. As to why me? Maybe just because I'm strong and handsome." Toji smirks.

Tone serious again he continues on. "I think I was supposed to kill all the sorcerer's around. Thing is, I don't like being told what to do so I just went for the strongest around and that was a special grade curse right? Then you..."

He figures that should be enough information to satisfy his son without lying. He can't tell Megumi he's supposed to be dead can he? The kid was just starting to feel better.

"That white haired brat needs to be unsealed as soon as possible. From what I could gather, the King of Curses and those curse users who caused this shit show are not aligned with each other. You need to stay far away from both..."

He says it like a father demanding his son to stay out of trouble but he knows well that Megumi probably couldn't stay out of it even if he wanted to. Toji sighs and leans his head back against the headboard again with a smack. He's already made up his mind to stay and protect Megumi so no take backs. As if he fucking could take it back now with his feelings a mess and all his restraint almost out the window just from one moment of softness. Just one hug from Megumi was all it took? He wanted to laugh.

[knot-ee]

Megumi didn't know Toji and father didn't know son. They had entire lives apart from each other. They could have harbored the deepest of secrets and could have been the worst of people yet they were connected by blood and love. Love and the need to feel something other than pain and regret in such a difficult world. Megumi accepted his father and perhaps more than that accepted he actually wanted someone to love and to be love. He wanted the joy others had even if it wouldn't last long.

Sukuna was stronger than ever and Satoru was sealed away. He couldn't ignore the troubles of Japan but just a little while longer... he needed this. A week ago even days ago he would've thought it impossible to love someone so much and to accept a father he had condemned to death. Megumi wanted to hug his father, to sleep in his arms, to feel the warmth of his body. It was a child wanting a father he never had, but it was also... more. As if they could fuse as one, Megumi scooted himself closer and closed his eyes contently. Toji felt good. Smelled good. Just feeling him alive made the teenager feel blissful.

He doesn't know the mental dilemma his father is experiencing. He feels it too but more on a subdued level. Megumi is aware he should still harbor reservations, but Toji's touch was lulling him into a feeling of safety. He moved slowly to not ruin the mood. He did not nuzzle into his father's neck but... it was nearly that. Warm breath hit Toji's neck. Megumi was tired again, hungry, and sore but he still felt better than... ever frankly.

Megumi's eyes snapped open and he frowned; it looked just like his father's frown. He had known something was off. Suddenly a powerful curse user with no cursed energy honed in on him, nearly beat him, and then backed off. Was his father even a curse user if he didn't have cursed energy? Megumi was getting nervous. He didn't know his father at all.

“ Why.. would someone use a technique on you? What are you even? I mean to the jujutsu world. I... Hmmm. How are you tied to all of this I mean? Shibuya, the curses, all of it. You couldn't have been walking around and then got caught up in it... ”

Toji wasn't going to make any excuses for what he's done in the past. He already knows he fucked up countless times. Nothing he did now could make up for the past. But he also figured there was no use in pretending anymore. What was the point if Megumi already made up his mind and Toji can't really shake it off. He already decided he'd be even more selfish and wants to stay.

How could he not with the way Megumi was leaning into his touch, leaning into him as if he needed his warmth. And when Megumi says he trusts him. Toji is tempted to tell him not to trust him. That he really is better off staying far away from him. Yet he says nothing. In fact he practically hugs Megumi to his chest, running a hand through his hair, having to stop himself from doing it again.

"I wasn't really all there..."

He says after a moment to Megumi's question. He didn't remember much... Some sensations and the vague idea that he'd been fighting and he killed a few curses and sorcerers perhaps? All he could remember was very vague images.

"I almost killed you, then not sure how or why but that's when I recognized you and snapped out of whatever curse technique was used on me."

His voice was low, brows furrowed. In that moment he had almost taken his own life because he actually didn't want to hurt Megumi and because it felt like him being here didn't feel right. Something was off. Even now that feeling wasn't completely gone. It was just that Megumi seemed to distract him from it.

So deep in thought, Toji hadn't even noticed the way he was holding Megumi against his chest, his arms wrapped around him and soothingly running his hand up and down his son's back. It's only when he catches himself from nuzzling into Megumi's hair that he snaps out of it. He forces himself to relax though and not pull away. If he suddenly pulled away now, surely it'd upset Megumi. He almost laughs at the thought. Since when did he care about the feelings of others?

[knot-ee]

YEARS of anger being masked as difference was exhausting to keep up. Instead it was replaced with dread and longing which was taxing in its own way. For now Megumi stopped trying to make sense of his emotions. It was tiring to follow expectations and placed expectations on himself. I should be angry. I should punish him. I should. I should. Megumi ignored the spiteful voice. There was no excuse to abandon children and keep his mother's existence from him, the teenager knew this, but there had been a reason.

Everyone had their own shit and what if Toji decided to keep Megumi, would the Zen'ins have taken hold of him? Would his life be corrupted even with his dad in his life? There were too many variables. Megumi pushed them aside. His father was stepping up now despite the impending doom of -- for as long as I can. Life alone was unexpected. Life of a sorcerer was filled with death. Megumi didn't push. A pleased sigh left Megumi's mouth when he leaned against Toji's strong body. Toji was initiating and Megumi was taking. Greedily. Starved for love. He never had a person to do this with. He's already slept for too long but against his father he felt he could sleep another full night peacefully. And his father would stay, right?? .

" Okay. I trust you. "

And he did. Mostly. What if something else created a rift between them, would Toji think he would be protecting his son if he left again? Megumi placed his palm against his father's pectoral. He was scared of pushing his father away but he wanted the closeness. Thumb even began moving to and fro. Solid but comforting and oh so warm.

" In Shibuya... how did you find me? Did you recognize me at first? "

Of course Megumi doesn't understand. He doesn't understand that his father was a coward on many different levels. He wasn't just scared of Megumi getting hurt. He had been scared of growing to love Megumi so much that if something ever did happen he just wouldn't be able to take it. He was afraid of getting hurt himself. Megumi also didn't understand the kind of people that Toji had pissed off. The world he had gone too deep into. Yeah it's been years but has everyone truly forgotten about him? He has a feeling the Zen'in clan would find him eventually.

Toji doesn't look away for even a second. Studying Megumi's face, his cold expression slowly chipping away to reveal a softer one. Especially in his eyes. He takes a deep breath when he sees more tears in Megumi's eyes. He lets his palm lay flat against Megumi's cheek for a moment before gently stroking it again.

"That's not true. You deserve nothing but the best even if you didn't want it."

He didn't deserve Megumi looking at him like that with hope and fondness in his eyes. He didn't deserve Megumi leaning into his touch. Toji almost flinched at the light touch to his thigh. But then he's gently pulling Megumi closer, guiding him to lean against his chest. He pretends it's because he wants to inspect the wounds on his head and face better. Both hands on Megumi's face for a brief moment before he finally lets them fall away to hold him loosely.

"Things tend to go to shit real fast when I'm around... Like hell you are!"

Toji wasn't letting his son die at the hands of curse or anyone. Megumi was strong as hell and for some reason his son held back. He needed to teach him not to. He lets out another deep breath as if slightly annoyed and is silent for a moment but then he finally speaks again.

"Already told you. I decided I'm staying. For as long as I can."

He still couldn't bring himself to tell Megumi that he should be dead. The more he's thought about it the more he remembers some old lady muttering something. It may have been someone curse technique. He's pretty sure he killed her though. Why was he resurrected? How long would this curse technique last? These questions kept repeating over and over but he didn't remember enough to piece anything together. He didn't know enough of what has been going on other than there's two parties at play and he's pretty sure they are not in league. The group of curse users that sealed Satoru Gojo and Sukuna, The King of Curses.

And somehow Megumi was involved in the middle of it all because he was a Jujutsu sorcerer. Toji was the Sorcerer Killer but now he wanted to protect just this one. He looked at Megumi his expression still slightly softer than usual.

He needed to ask Megumi about the situation but he didn't really want to right now. Toji wanted to be selfish and just enjoy this time while he could.

[knot-ee]

Why did protecting people mean hurting them? Megumi protected his sister and it meant trusting a complete stranger and becoming a jujutsu sorcerer. Toji could have meant he was protecting Megumi from being murdered like his mother but he knew that was not the protecting his father had in mind. A lot of people would have jumped to be raised by a prestigious sorcerer who provided all the wealth and amenities desired, but like Megumi said, he wanted his family first and foremost.

“ I guess I didn't deserve anything nice either. ”

The world didn't care who was good or bad. The world shit on anyone and often blessed the bastards. If the world was righteous, his mother wouldn't have been murdered, his sister wouldn't have fallen in a coma, and teenagers wouldn't be dying killing curses. He was so angry but soft words and even softer touch just melted those walls away. His resolve at being mad and staying mad was crumbling. He adjusted his head to look at his father through thick and tear moist eyelashes. Would a bad man admit the truth? Would a bad man touch his son so tenderly? He didn't believe Toji but they were getting somewhere.

" I'm not perfect. You're not. I'm not. What's the worst that can happen if you stick around? I'm bound to die fighting curses anyway. I want to know how it is having a family. "

Megumi didn't turn his head away. In fact he leaned closer to the man's touch. Hand so massive and calloused felt like silk against his skin. It comforted him in ways he didn't know was possible. Tsumiki had hugged him and rubbed his back as a child, but this was different. Megumi was hesitant but eventually did move his arm to knock his knuckles against his father's outer thigh. He didn't know what he was doing and it seemed both of them were in the same boat.

Toji isn't surprised by the hatred the boy had for him but what did surprise him was the tears and just how hurt he was. Megumi's words cut through him much deeper than he would like to admit. And for a moment it's clear on his face. His green eyes wide filled with a mixture of emotions. For once confusion and a bit lost at what to say or do. Megumi had just wanted him to be there? He didn't understand how after everything, Megumi could have wanted him around. He could blame the fact that he had a horrible childhood himself for the way things turned out, but that was no excuse. For a brief moment his expression softens and then there's a mixture of sadness, regret and self loathing. He tries to harden his expression but the way Megumi is looking at him with tears in his eyes. It takes all his will power not to either look away or to reach over and gently wipe the tears away. Instead he remains sitting just staring at Megumi.

He closes his eyes when Megumi angrily lays down and covers his face with the pillow. Toji takes a deep breath trying to gather himself. Part of him wanted to just leave. To do what he always did, to protect Megumi in that fucking cowardly way he always did. To run away and think that Megumi was better off without him. Maybe it would have been what was best for Megumi. In the long run he wanted Megumi to hate him right? Maybe this way his son would hate him enough to forget about him for good.

Then he realizes something that almost scares him. He wanted to stay. He wanted to be selfish and spend more time with Megumi. He wanted Megumi to know that he didn't hate him, that it was quite the opposite. Sighing he lets his head hit the back of the headboard with a thud.

"I thought I was protecting you." He admits lowly.

"People like me don't deserve good things, Gumi."

He didn't deserve Megumi. But he wanted him anyways. He wanted to comfort him and protect him even after so long of pretending he didn't give a shit.

"Yeah sometimes I wish that too kid. Only because then you wouldn't be looking at me with those beautiful eyes and that damn hurt expression right now..."

He laughs bitterly. He wishes he hadn't existed himself then Megumi wouldn't be suffering. But a selfish part of him didn't want to think that way because he got to have Megumi even for the briefest of moments.

"It's complicated and it's in the past but all you need to know is that it wasnt anything you did."

Toji reaches for the pillow and pulls it away from Megumi's face so he can meet his gaze.

"You were so perfect and I didn't want to... "

He trails off. He didn't want to taint that, to ruin Megumi's life. He wouldn't have been able to handle it if he failed to protect Megumi too.

"You are perfect and I'm the type of person you need to stay far away from."

Toji leans in his shoulder pressing against Megumi's. He pushes some of Megumi's hair out of his face to see how the wounds on his forehead and face were healing. He lets his hand linger and his thumb gently brushes a tear that rolled down Megumi's cheek.

"I should leave. You don't get it and maybe you never will but you know what? I didn't leave this time and I'm not going to leave because I don't want to leave."

[knot-ee]

Infuriated, Megumi did not know what he expected from the man who so callously left two children behind one of which was his own. His father obviously carried wounds from Megumi’s mother’s murder, so was the love completely lost with her death? Did he not even want Megumi and saw her death as a means to escape responsibility? So angry he bit the inside of his cheek until he tasted blood. So casual of him to bring up Tsumiki like she was nothing. Like she didn’t act like a mother for her two years younger step-brother. Toji was bringing out the worst in him. Feelings he had rarely or never experienced. Rage and sorrow that made him want to punch his father’s face in as he screamed until he lost his voice completely. Megumi planted his hands onto the bed, lifted his upper body up, and whipped his head around to glare at Toji. There were angry tears in his eyes.

" I didn’t want a rich father! I wanted YO!. I wanted you and my mother, or at least for you to raise me and tell me about her. ”

It was as simple as that. He didn’t care about all the clothes and food Satoru provided him. He didn’t even care about being trained to be a jujutsu sorcerer. He would have traded it all to be raised by his father but it turned out his father was an asshole who ended up getting Megumi’s mother killed.

" I wish you never met her, and that she was alive… and I was never born. You can leave if you want. That’s what you do best. I won’t force anyone to be with me or… LOVE me. ”

Angry tears were threatening to turn into those of sadness, so he quickly went flat against the bed again to hide his face into the pillow. If Toji had been a good man and a loving husband and father, Megumi could understand his mother’s sacrifice. After all Megumi was prepared to die protecting strangers. What did she die for? She was murdered before she even got to know her son and for a man who would then abandon all traces of their family. He just wanted to be told it had not been all for nothing but it had. The world wasn’t kind. His father got his mother pregnant and she died. There was no love. 

Megumi reminded him of his late wife in many ways. Just as beautiful and good. Was that part of the reason Toji left? Because he couldn't stand to think that he would some how taint his one and only blessing in life?

Toji wonders if the way he can read his son so easily was just because Megumi was an open book or was it instinct? The primal feeling of knowing Megumi was a part of him. Deep down he knows Megumi and Megumi knows him, whether they want to give into those primal feelings or not. No matter how much Toji tried to convince himself he didn't care about Megumi, he realizes that there was no way of convincing his instincts and heart of that.

That didn't mean he was going to open up to Megumi. Not now. It was too late. Much too late for him to do so. He deserves nothing but Megumi's hatred. So when the teenager suddenly bursts with emotion, Toji thinks good, hate me. It's what he deserved after all. He hates to picture it. His baby, hungry, scared and sad and not knowing why his dad left and didn't come back. Toji was a mess back then but there really was no excuse for how he went about trying to give Megumi a better life. No excuse for the trauma he caused him. Yet there was also no going back.

"Oh yeahhh.... How is she?"

Then he thinks about how there was a brief moment when he thought he killed Satoru Gojo and he thought he'd get paid enough that perhaps he could buy Megumi a happy life, one without him still but of course things never go according to plan when it involved Toji's own wants. He actually laughs out loud without meaning to. The kid truly had no idea that he's been dead this whole time. That his precious benefactor was the one to put his daddy six feet under.

"So that white haired twink didn't tell you shit?"

It comes out before he can stop himself. A bitterness suddenly there at the fact that Gojo got to see Megumi grow up. He got to be there for him. But wasn't that what Toji has wanted? Someone better for Megumi. He forces a grin on his face as he walks over to sit by the bed, just watching Megumi throw a tantrum almost. No this was better. Megumi didn't need to know the details. Sighing he suddenly sits on the bed beside Megumi instead. Then is laying back on the other pillows, his hands behind his head.

"It's better this way."

There was no use telling Megumi the truth now.

"You basically got a new dad a rich and powerful one who was actually able to train you. I'd say that's an upgrade so why are you so down in the dumps?"

The urge to reach over and sink his fingers into Megumi's hair, to stroke his head, to lean over and kiss it was strong... To tell him that he wasn't worth Megumi's tears and pain. To tell him that he was still Toji's blessing after all these years. It was almost too much to resist. Toji actually tenses slightly because of it. He takes in a deep silent breath and then just closes his eyes.

Toji is silent for some time before finally speaking again.

"What do you like to eat? I'll order us food, since I'm under house arrest."

[knot-ee]

Megumi recognized it -- pretending to be nonchalant while holding a lot of trauma and grudges. At least the teenager was hoping he was recognizing in his father. The short talk which did not end there instead evolved into the sharing of more details. The stiff lines in his face. The way he sighed. It was like how Megumi was clenching his fists and not want to let any moisture touch his eyes. Shitty person. Megumi believed that but the boy was being given heaps and mountains of information he only could imagine before.

Questions were answered but then more questions sprouted. Thousands. What did his mother see in Toji?? He didn't know what families his mother and father had come from except one of them had to be a Zen'in. From the sounds of it Megumi took after his mother. Protecting people. He liked the image of her. This image he constructed just based on his looks. He always imagined a kind woman with green eyes and black hair; he had nothing else to go by, not even a photograph lying around the apartment.

Just like you're a fool thinking you need me. Toji sounded resigned to his fate and to Megumi's. It reminded him of .. well, himself. They really were father and son. Megumi was so resigned being a jujutsu sorcerer and dying as a sorcerer. For some reason he couldn't be angry at his dad about his mother's death. There were plenty of other things to be mad about but not that. Whatever empathy he was feeling was gone at being called pretty. Megumi frowned and it nearly turned into a growl. Why did he have to be so condescending? If Megumi wanted to avenge his mother, a mother he never knew, he had a right to!

“ ... I've worried. I worried a lot, all my life. That's what I was doing. Am I worthy enough to be taken under a sorcerer's care? If I'm not useful with my shikigami, will I be discarded. ”

Megumi slammed his fist against the mattress and jumped to his feet. He wanted to smack the menu away from Toji's hands but only stood in front of him.

" I remember being five years old and thinking about picking pockets so I could feed me and Tsumiki. You remember HER? The other child you left behind. You left. Her mother left. We were all alone and there were nights we only ate rice that the grandma from next door gave us. She left bad for us but the apartment complex we were in was rundown, do you remember? She only had enough money to take care of herself but she still tried to help us strangers. I've fought and I've fought, and after Tsumiki--- I hope you had a nice life after my mother died and you found another woman to love and abandon. ”

No slap and no punch could get his point across. Fuming and just sad, Megumi stomped back to the bed and hid his face in the pillow.

The way Toji speaks these things as if they are just facts and nothing more though his voice hardens slightly at the end of that sentence because he can almost feel the turmoil and emotions radiating off of Megumi. He watches his son and he fucking hates it. Megumi wasn't supposed to go through this yet here they were. Years later and clearly he's managed to fuck shit up so bad that his son was all sorts of messed up. Typical. When did Toji ever get what he wanted really? He couldn't even win at the smallest of bets. But why they hell did his son have to inherit his shitty luck?

Toji's eyes flicker with something that looks like anger but maybe it's panic. It's brief before he's just sighing and setting the empty bag of chips aside.

"Because your old man is a shitty person. Someone was after me and she tried to protect me. She was a fool thinking I was worth saving." He laughs.

"Just like you're a fool thinking you need me." Toji adds on lowly, his gaze meeting his son's.

"You don't have to worry your pretty little head. They are dead already."

No. Toji wouldn't have his son turn into him. Megumi was the complete opposite of him. He remembers the baby who somehow knew his dad was sad. Who would curl up next to him and try to comfort him when Toji had nightmares.

Toji is trembling and gasping for air. He feels small warm hands on his face. His gaze focusing in the dark to see those cute big green eyes, looking far too concerned to belong to a toddler. Those chubby cheeks with a small pouty frown. It was almost comical. Megumi gently strokes his dad's hair and wipes Toji's tears with his chubby little hands. He laughs bitterly. His child comforting him? Shouldn't it be the other way around? Yet when Megumi tries to hug him, Toji melts. He lets out a shaky breath and hugs the toddler close. His precious blessing. What would he do without him?

"Thank you, Megumi." He kisses his head and pulls him to lay on top of his chest, gently rubbing his back. Watching the toddler fall back asleep before he too drifts off again.

Megumi was nothing like him even now. Aside from maybe looking moody. Underneath it all though Megumi was kind, upright, good, soft, honest, beautiful and perfect in every way. The last thing he wanted was for him to turn dark and cold like him.

At least Megumi ate a little he thinks. But he's definitely going to need more than that to recover properly. Though it seems leaving the room was going to be difficult since his son didn't trust him. He can't blame him obviously... Toji would just have to wait until he falls asleep again. Or he could order room service. He grabs the menu off the night stand and looks through it casually, wondering what Megumi would like. Trying to remember if he knew what Megumi liked when he was little. Hoping but knowing it was unlikely that Megumi was done asking questions.

[knot-ee]

It was Megumi who was young and weak. It was he who had jumped from a fit of rage to desperately clinging onto his father on the brink of letting tears spill. However... initiating eye contact with his father felt like too much as if the pressure would make Toji disappear. Toji. Toji. The name felt so foreign on his tongue but it was like saying Kami because of the weight it held.. He wondered what the Kanji looked like for his father's name and the meaning behind it. Megumi did not flinch when his father moved around the hotel room, but he did jerk his head up when various foods were dropped on his lap. Not on the bed. On his lap. It was so friendly.

The type of behavior reserved for people who knew each other. With prominent spikes of black, incredible build, and the scar running across his lips, Megumi can't read the man. Megumi built up walls around him but it looked like Toji was an actual stone wall. It's awkward. The hair was heavy, but at least he wasn't running away... not yet. His stomach was cramping up from stress and hunger, so Megumi lied out the foods next to him and unwrapped the plastic surrounding the oinigri. When in doubt, rice settled the belly. He picked at his rice like a little bird then stopped when Toji spoke on the matter of his wife and Megumi's mother. The boy nearly crushed the rice in his hand. Megumi remembered so much from just eight years ago, and he had been a toddler!

How could a grown man forget about the woman he.. impregnated. Megumi always figured they had been married, but that was a child's imagination. He was gathering his anger for an outburst when Toji continued -- clearly not having forgotten but carrying wounds behind that stony exterior. The pit which had been growing inside Megumi's guts felt like it expanded big enough to swallow him up. He welcomed the shadows; he did not welcome this dreadful feeling. His mom was not only dead but she had been MURDERED. In all his life, Megumi never wanted to kill anyone. It had been about putting bullies in their places, defeating curse users, and exorcising curses, but now he wanted to kill. The onigri was tossed aside, not caring if the sticky rice got onto the bed sheets.

“ Why? Why because of you?! Who did it?! Did you... kill them? ”

If Toji didn't, Megumi would have find the bastard himself and end their worthless life. There was so much pain in the teenager's voice just as there had been when he was clinging onto his dad on the streets of Shibuya.

Toji was expecting nothing less than Megumi's cold and closed off attitude. Unwilling to accept help or even food. What an idiot, he almost scoffs but he says nothing, only watching Megumi casually. Studying him and trying to see how bad his injuries still were. He should be fine soon. But he definitely needed to eat something. He sighs and grabs a few things before walking back over to Megumi who was now sitting on the bed.

He drops the food on his lap. Onigiri, a strawberry cream filled sandwich, a bag of chips and a juice box from the konbini across the street. He moves to sit in the chair a few feet away from the bed with a bag of chips for himself. Opening it but pausing at Megumi's demand. There it was again... His son asking him not to leave. Did he really have abandonment issues that badly because of him? Toji hates the way it just does something to him. He looked at Megumi with a blank expression but deep down he feels his heart aching as if shards of glass just keep pressing deeper. He's shocked by the urge to comfort his son to tell him he meant it when he said he wasn't going anywhere for now. But of course he can't say that. He won't.

Instead he just shoved some chips into his mouth not saying anything for a moment. But finally after a few moments he does speak.

"That was a long time ago. I hardly remember."

He lies as all the memories start filling his mind. The way she saved him from the Zen'in and the way she tried to protect him. And what did he do in return? He got her killed! He really thought he could have a happy ever after? And he really thought he could raise Megumi? No soon he realized he wasn't even worthy of having Megumi in his life. They wanted him to be a monster so that's what he became. In the end he didn't care about anything except himself. Or that's what he wanted everyone to think including himself. But now with Megumi looking at him like that, like Toji is what he's been missing all these years. He feels his resolve breaking.

"She got killed because of me, not long after you were born."

He eventually adds on, going back to his bag of chips. Another reason for Megumi to hate him. Maybe then he'll understand and let Toji leave. He knows this is dangerous, spending more time with Megumi won't do him any good. Yet he can't seem to leave. His mind making excuses that he's just staying until Megumi is better or until Megumi realizes his better off without him. In truth he would cling to these moments spent with his son. Not knowing how long he'll have.

[knot-ee]

Toji. Toji Fushiguro -- not Zen'in. The question the stranger that turned to be his father made sense. That hesitation held a lot of weight too. Between himself, his father, and Maki, Megumi could see the resemblance, but he knew so little about his parents that his mother could have been a Zen'in. Did she die because of her family and did his father run away from the responsibility? Satoru did mention his father for all of one second when he first approached Megumi. The boy's head was spinning with all the possibilities and unknown. If the two times they fought wasn't proof enough his father was closed off, his lack of openess in the present was.

He made no excuses and did not hand information on a silver platter before Megumi could ask the questions; his father was dreading the conversation. Megumi still didn't know whether he wanted to strangle the truth out of Toji or give him space. Just like Satoru though, men like them wouldn't unzip their lips unless prompted. In ten years Satoru never willingly talked about his father. Would Toji be the same in ten years too? If he was even around. If both of them lived. It made Megumi think of what was going on with the school and with Noritoshi Kamo sealing Satoru. He was getting stressed and nauseous. The teenager moved away from the window to sit down on the bed. His shoulders were slumped and his green eyes were heavy.

“ I'll be fine. I've gone far longer on less food.. ”

He didn't mean for it to be a jab about his rough childhood after Toji left a little boy and a little girl to fend for themselves. It was the truth, and he wasn't sure Toji would never understand. Megumi was hungry. Terribly so. But reaching for the snacks when he dismissed them to sit on the bed was embarrassing.

“ I don't want you to use it as an excuse to leave forever. If you want to leave, you better tell me everything about my mom. Until then.. you're not allowed to leave. ”

Immediately he can tell it isn't what Megumi wanted to hear. Though isn't it better than what he perhaps thought he would hear or maybe wouldn't hear. Toji had been tempted to not answer the question at all. Even if it ate at him, painfully. He deserves it though. But he's still coming to terms with the fact that despite Megumi hating him, there was a part of him that still seeked for Toji. He didn't not take that into account. Toji had never wanted anything to do with his own father after what he went through as a child. So he just asked it would be the same for Megumi. Even better that he would almost completely forget about him. Though that was a little dumb on his part considering Megumi was just old enough to remember enough to feel abandoned. He honestly hates himself now realizing that he's done to Megumi. That he's made him think he's worthless and unwanted when it was quite the opposite. Though the Zen'in only wanted him for his power, they still wanted him and would have probably worshiped him under the right circumstances. Too bad Toji was selfi and vengeful. Despite making a deal with them he never wanted Megumi to end up with them. Luckily Megumi seemed to have won over Satoru Gojo who seems to have done a decent job in raising Megumi if not at least providing for him and keeping him safe.

Toji doesn't realize he's just watching Megumi intently until his son gets up and walks out of the bathroom. He waits a few moments before following him out. Pausing at the question.

"Toji... Fushiguro."

Keeping his distance, he waits a moment more before heading into the kitchenette area.

"There's a few things in here. But I can go get some food."

He motions to the snacks and drinks found in the kitchen. Grabbing himself a beer he goes over to sit in a chair in front of the window, plopping down with a low sigh. He gulps down the beer almost as if it were just water. Damn it he needed something stronger. He hadn't fucking thought about how awkward things were going to be once Megumi did wake. Toji studies him but tried to seem indifferent about it all. He half expected to be bombarded with questions but Megumi's silence is almost worse... Clearly thinking things through.