#ofc each situation is different but for the most part i get anon messages and then ask for follow-up or think its expected and i get none

[petrichoraline]

I get asks with requests or just chatting and I respond and sometimes the response takes a while because I had to put some effort into completing the request or I try to think of an appropriate reply..and then I get zero feedback

like I am very happy to be getting asks don't get me wrong but when my answer seems to go into the void it's a bit discouraging

[psychelis-new]

pick a pile: "How can you deal with your regrets"

take a breath and choose the photo or number that calls you the most to find out about possible regrets you may have in your life and a suggestion on how to deal with them. regrets are part of life, it's okay to have them here and there for various reasons but it's not okay when you let them dictate your life in a negative way. this reading wants to provide you help in how to see them differently. thanks Anon for requesting about this subject.

don’t take the reading too seriously. only take what resonates with you and leave the rest. if you're not called by any pile, let this reading slid as it may not hold messages for you. if you're called by more than one pile, there may be messages in each of those piles. remember that is a general reading and some things may not resonate with you. energies can change and readings are based on present ones (as you read); you're always in charge of your life.

(photos found on unsplash)

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1 2 3

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pile 1

It's hard to say something about your regrets. Maybe you don't have many or even if you have, you learned how to deal with them by yourself. Or maybe you just try to not think about them or don't see them to start with. You may be trying to avoid working on them just by refusing to acknowledge them. As I said it's either you don't let them interfere in your life as you know we may end up having regrets here and there in our life or you totally try to not think about them cause of the pain they may cause you. You let them hang somewhere and wait for that feeling to disappear by itself. Or maybe you were told/taught to behave like that.

Anyway, I don't sense you stressing over them. Regrets happen in the past but you're pretty much future-oriented, so it gets easy for you to switch your focus on what's ahead much more than on your past. But what you may not be aware of, is that you can learn from your past too. Even from the pain that lives in there, but doesn't belong to your present or future: it's something you can do to help yourself leave that pain in the past where it has to be in a more definitive way. Trying to acknowledge your feelings, whether they're good or bad, positive or negative, it's good to help yourself grow and move on definitely. By not letting yourself taking care of your feelings and emotions, you're neglecting yourself a part of your life experience, a chance for you to know yourself and what's around you in a better way. It's not wrong per se, but it could help you: it may not be your case ofc, as we're all different, but what I learned myself is that no matter how hard you try to push them away, lessons will come around more than once until you acknowledge them and your feelings about them. So I generally try to deal with all that asap. Maybe not when I am overwhelmed or not feeling like, but I try to come around the issue again and understand/welcome it, and how I feel about it. Ofc if you feel that it's useless to you, keep doing what you do: you're always in charge of the decisions in your life. But if you find yourself in some type of cycle that keeps reminding you about the same situation or feeling, it may be worth to stop for a moment and give it attention. Remind yourself you don't have to deal with it by yourself, you can talk about it and ask for help, if it's too much. It doesn't seem like you are too stressed about it anyway, but just in case... You are allowed to take care of yourself and your feelings, to nurture yourself, even if you were told it's useless to cry on spilled milk and you need to turn the page asap. At times our feelings and minds do not really want to collaborate on that so they keep coming back to that past thing... that's cause they need true closure, and you can give it to them by giving yourself time, compassion and stopping to deal with what has been and the feelings it caused you. It's not useless, if it's important to you (and you can get it is important from how much often it's coming around in your life).

You may also be regretting not having told or done something for someone and now it's too late (most likely cause they're not in your life/3d anymore). Therefore to you it's useless to think about it and those feelings: there's no solution. You cannot contact them for whatever reason; you just didn't do/say that thing you wanted to say and now it's too late. But tbh there's still something you can do about it. You don't need to talk with the other person to bring yourself closure. You can do it yourself by accepting your past, your feelings and taking time to work through them and your decisions: maybe you have a valid point of view about what happened, about you not being able to really communicate what you wanted, despite it all. Be objective. Also, remember that at times we take some things for granted and we may not talk about our feelings with others when we have time, thinking they know what we mean and that's enough (and it's very often true that they know, but it's also good to hear/be openly reminded about them anyway). This situation can help you realize what you can do it from now on. And it doesn't mean you did bad in the past, at all (forgive yourself when you can). But you can act differently from now on. You can share your feelings even if you were not taught (how) to. Do it your way, it'll be okay anyway. And you know, you can still reach for departed people through your prayers: ask your Guides or the Universe to bring them a symbol or a message. The same way departed souls may come around in other forms (butterflies, for example) to bring us comfort, so we can reach for them too. Take a moment to close your eyes, meditate and tell them whatever you want to tell them. They will listen. Chances are, they're still around you, guiding you.

You may even get dreams about this situation tbh, and you may be getting more after energetically reaching for this person/these people as a sign they got your message (not necessarily through dreams ofc, but you'll get to know). BTW journaling about your situation and feelings can be of help too.

song: tout l'univers | gjon's tears

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pile 2

These are regrets that mostly refer to yourself, as for example something you decided about your life and how you deal with it. For example you may have been wrong about something or you probably made what turned out to be a wrong/rushed decision and it still somewhat haunts you until now (it may even make you worry about repeating it). Maybe it created a bad environment or period in your life or you blame that moment/event for a kinda tough current situation you're being put through (or you just came out of). It could also be something involving your relationships still haunting you from there. Something you're still healing somehow. Something you fear being judged for (but I feel it's more one of your fears than the reality of things, at least for most of you -remember if anyone judges you, it's mostly cause of their own triggers).

Whatever it is, at that time you didn't know what you know now, so trying to judge your past self through the eyes of your present self doesn't make much sense: you learned something also thanks to that decision/situation and from making that decision, no matter what happened next (I know it got tough but that's not what you should focus on the most in order to deal with your regret in a more positive way). You learned something about yourself and about consequences of actions. And you made that decision cause you didn't know any better probably, or cause you just felt like it was okay or it would have been fine for you. Trust yourself and the fact that you learned your lesson now: you won't repeat the same mistake or make a similar one if you'll find yourself in a similar situation. You have the ability to make a different decision and see things from a different perspective now, and still make a decision for your best (surely also that decision you made was for your best in the end, or you thought so: but it was "your best" for your past self. Your present self has changed and grown, even if you're not entirely aware, and it probably needs a different type of "best" from yourself. And trust that you can give it to yourself and it won't be wrong/bad. Honestly, it's never wrong if you decide to do something with pure intentions, no matter how it turns out to be in the future: you never know how things and you will change if you don't try or make experiences. And please do not consider it/yourself as a failure and don't be scared of failing again: the only ones who never fail are the ones who never do anything. But we're not here for that, we're here to try and make experiences, of any type. Even those that are hard and difficult. And we can learn to grow from them and how to deal with them by forgiving ourselves too). Hating yourself or talking bad with yourself for what has happened won't make things better. What has been cannot be changed but you can change how to look at it, and at your past self: be more compassionate, you were also younger and missing experience (even if it was 3 days ago): I know it's painful now but you didn't know any better. And even if you did, still focusing on that "mistake" won't change your present. Take your time but try to make the best of it by seeing it (and your past self, mostly) from a different point of view. A kinder, more accepting one.

Random message but I have to say it as it may resonate for someone: it may feel lonely and different where you're going now, but it's gonna surprise you by being easier on you, and making things easier. Try to be easy with yourself too. Let others in with no fear. Reach for them too. You're already perfect.

song: kiss me more | doja cat, sza

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pile 3

These are regrets involving other people. Differently from pile 2, the focus here is on them the most and how they perceived your decisions/behaviours (but if you feel called to take a look at that pile too, do it). You probably didn't mention something like your reasons or your fears to them, and things kinda crumbled from there. Maybe you didn't feel like it was necessary to explain your behaviour or decisions, or you didn't feel safe enough with them. Or you didn't think about it. Maybe you were just trying to protect yourself (let's make an example: you were prolly dealing with a tough home-environment differently from your friends and you kinda started saying many no's to their invitations in fear of having to deal with overreactions at home, and kinda got left out by your friends). You may also have not been able to confess to someone about your feelings (good or bad), or you said/did something that was too much (like you did confess but the other person didn't welcome it well or didn't tell you anything/ghosted you, or you kinda tried some big gesture that wasn't well accepted...). You may also have embarassed yourself (or fear you did that) in front of people, even someone you cared and feel like you ruined all your chances with them (whether they were your crush or just potential friends) or you made someone change their mind about you (also authority figures, eg. professors/relatives) out of a random decision/act. I see these as main situations: like it could be that you're not able to deal with your emotions at times (you weren't taught how to) or don't get them, and/or you struggle to express them properly and act on impulses that not always are clear to others (nor to yourself). Generally, it's something coming from a place of hurt/trauma you need to heal.

I do feel it's mostly your anxiety when it comes to what others think about you, but even if you have proofs about this being real and you having ruined/lost your chances for something or having been let down by people, what I am called to tell you is similar to what I told pile 2: past cannot be changed and whatever made you do or say what you did or said, it... happened. For as hard as it is to bear with now, it happened and nobody can undo things sadly. Take your time to collect your thoughts about it, to understand your reasons and even see things from a different perspective: maybe you're focusing more on how others reacted to you but you cannot control that anyway. Check within about yourself now, how do YOU feel about it, find your own reasons, find the root cause that made you act like that: was it self defense, was it external validation seeking, was it just need to be seen/loved at last, was it just a random/rushed decision dictated maybe by some unmet needs that you needed to give yourself/someone to meet asap (but you didn't know how to and just tried maybe not thinking about the other or possible consequences), was it really that you didn't understand/know what to do with your emotions and just "had to" do something?... Once you get this, you can also try also to understand why the other may have reacted as they did, so to understand more about your behaviour: how would have you reacted if you were them and they did/said what you did/said to them? Sure, we're all different and may react in different ways also cause of our own life experiences and possible personal triggers, but it's still a good way to try and learn how to make things better for you. And heal yourself. So, one way you can deal with your regret is trying to understand what brought you to this situation (through the questions mentioned above, too) and how you can bring yourself closure to it. Don't let the noise inside of your mind (that voice that is pretending to sound so annoyed or shocked by your behaviour as if it came from those other people judging you) switch your focus on the wrong object. People judge us based on their own triggers, don't mind them. And don't mind that voice as it doesn't really know. Take this chance to find out more about yourself and heal yourself from your fears and wounds.

And if you need, you can reach for those people and talk about what happened/explain your feelings and ask for theirs (eg. be sorry if you offended them...). Just don't over-explain yourself nor overdo things or you will obtain the opposite reaction (a.k.a. not a clarification but them closing off from you more directly). Also, it's not always worth to reach for people we may have bothered (even unwillingly) and clarify ourselves: at times, we just need to take a step back from them and what happened, and start walking on a different path with a new lesson learned. And some new hints on our healing journey and how to proceed on it.

songs: say it again | precious

[sarcastictissy]

Hola :D I just wanted to thank you for being so positive lately and looking at things regarding the qstudio situation with nuance. It feels like people have been so stressed and angry after all of the admin stuff came that they began to take every bit of news we hear as some sign that bad things are to come . I think a lot of people underestimated just how long this process can take, there a lot of factors to be considered here, including: q's lack of experience, the union, the laws, the admins. And unfortunately there is no way to satisfy everyone when it comes to stuff like this. This was never going to take a week or two, I feel like people didn't fully understand that.

Some admins are going to be pushed out of the project due to the lack of funds and the fact that this is a legal issue first and for most. It's unfair but it's the law. Not everyone understands that and because of that people are going to say things without understanding the situation. Not every thing is black and white and sometimes things aren't going to work out the way we want them to. Nobody is perfect and we shouldn't expect people involved in this situation to act like that. Which is why you should always look at the situation from multiple perspectives before forming an opinion.

It makes me feel tired to see the same takes over and over agian with no nuance. So your post have really helped me feel better :) I've seen people from both qsmpblr and qsmptwt act like every ccs involved in this is a war criminal or like this is a admins vs quackity or french/brazil vs quackity. It's kinda drove me off most social sites and forced me to only watch YouTube and stuff (on the good side of things, I've been watching quackity's discord videos and some dsmp vods :D it's been fun)

What I am trying to say is that, scrolling through your blog feels like a breath of fresh air and has made me feel 8× more calm about this situation. I don't think doomposting is necessarily bad but after seeing so much of it, sometimes you just need to distance yourself and look at the good parts of life. No matter how much I complain, I am never changing the course that qstudio is headed and neither can any one else, The only one who can do that is quackity. I hope that he does the right thing and the studio gets better. I love the characters that qsmp has brought us and the community it has formed, qsmp is a beautiful project that I want to see thrive. For now the only thing I can do as a viewer is hope for the best <3

I'm sorry if this came off as a trauma dump, I just really wanted to thank you.

So, this has been in my askbox for a while because I was so grateful and happy to hear I've helped someone!! Thank you sm anon that means a lot to me and knowing I'm keeping others optimistic, helps me feel optimistic too! :D

This is a very complex situation with so many moral grey areas mixed with black and white. It's not simple, it's not easy. These things cannot be fixed in a matter of weeks, you're absolutely right about that.

I also agree doomposting isn't necessarily bad! It's a good way to get off some steam and vent/ rant for a bit. There's nothing wrong with that. We all need it at times. For me, personally, it becomes toxic when that's ALL I'm seeing in social media. When I go on my phone and all I see is negativity, that's when I need to call it quits and start blocking people or start taking time away (which is why I deleted twt off my phone) everyone's tolerance levels are different ofc, so, not everyone is affected by that negativity, but I certainly was. This is why I want my blog to be positive and uplifting and you know what? Each and every time I get a ask or a message thanking me for that, I gain faith in humanity and it just encourages me to keep being positive! I'm so thankful for your ask and dw it wasn't trauma dumping at all!! :D I hope you're doing well anon! Take care of yourself. You matter

[reconditarmonia]

Dear Yuletide Writer 2020

Hi! Thank you for writing for me! I’m reconditarmonia here and on AO3. I have anon messaging off, but mods can contact me with any questions.

Fiddler on the Roof (2018 Folksbiene Production) | The Psychology of Time Travel - Kate Mascarenhas | Simoun | Where the Sky is Silver and the Earth is Brass - Sonya Taaffe

General likes:

– Relationships that aren’t built on romance or attraction. They can be romantic or sexual as well, but my favorite ships are all ones where it would still be interesting or compelling if the romantic component never materialized.

– Loyalty kink! Trust, affectionate or loving use of titles, gestures of loyalty, replacing one’s situational or ethical judgment with someone else’s, risking oneself (physically or otherwise) for someone else, not doing so on their orders. Can be commander-subordinate or comrades-in-arms.

– Heists, or other stories where there’s a lot of planning and then we see how the plan goes.

– Femslash, complicated or intense relationships between women, and female-centric gen. Women doing “male” stuff (possibly while crossdressing).

– Stories whose emotional climax or resolution isn’t the sex scene, if there is one.

– Uniforms/costumes/clothing.

– Stories, history, and performance. What gets told and how, what doesn’t get told or written down, behavior in a society where everyone’s consuming media and aware of its tropes, how people create their personas and script their own lines.

General DNW: rape/dubcon, torture, other creative gore; unrequested AUs, including “same setting, different rules” AUs such as soulmates/soulbonds; PWP; food sex; embarrassment; focus on pregnancy; Christmas/Christian themes; focus on unrequested canon or non-canon ships; unrequested trans versions of characters.

—

Fandom: Fiddler on the Roof (2018 Folksbiene Production)

Character(s): Any (The Fiddler, Hodl, Pertshik, Shprintze)

I would love to read about the Fiddler from the recent Yiddish production of Fiddler on the Roof, understanding him/her/them as a real person with a backstory, present and future rather than a symbol. They seem to be female (and their actor describes them as female) but wear men’s clothes and are on the men’s side at the wedding, and everyone seems cool with that? I’m 100% on board with any gender identity you decide you’d like to write them with. How did he/she/they come to be who they are, and what are their interpersonal relationships (platonic, familial, romantic, any gender) like? What might an encounter between them and the supernatural (dybbuks, demons, witches?) be or have been like? Have they always lived in Anatevka or do they wander from village to village? What happens to them after the play ends?

Or, Hodl and Pertshik! I maintain a headcanon (which you don't have to share) that Hodl reads a lot of anarchist books and pamphlets while she's in Siberia and comes around to Emma Goldman-esque views on marriage, and she and Pertshik stay together but never marry. I'd be so interested in something about their future! (Or f/f with genderswapped Pertshik??) But I'd also be happy with fic about either of them individually - Pertshik pre-play or Hodl (post-play) on her own without him on screen.

Or, Shprintze! (Or Bielke.) I love the expansion in this production of Pertshik's lessons to the younger girls, and I'd be super interested to read about one or both of them growing up in America, a very different life, having maybe absorbed some of those political beliefs as children. I also headcanon that - following the play's plot trajectory of increasingly unsuitable matches - she's got to be a lesbian, right? Bring on the Shprintze/OFC! yes, I know what happened in Sholem Aleichem's original stories

For that matter, feel free to do the supernatural plots with the non-fiddler characters too! Someone talking politics with a dybbuk? I'd also be really interested in digging into the language aspect, which I'd never really thought about before seeing this production - when do or don't they speak Yiddish, in their past or future?

Fandom-Specific DNW/Opt-In: I'm explicitly okaying antisemitism appearing in the story as part of the world the characters live in, although I do not want a character's personally facing antisemitism to be the focus of the plot. I don't really want to hear much about Khave/Fyedke.

—

Fandom: The Psychology of Time Travel - Kate Mascarenhas

Character(s): Any (none nominated)

This novel is so carefully worldbuilt, yet with such amazing potential for unusual character interactions, life stories, and relationships as shaped by time travel as well. I nominated this without characters because I would be delighted to receive fic that focused on worldbuilding, whether through the stories of OCs, or through any of the canon characters. I’m most interested in:

the Conclave and more broadly in social interactions and (romantic or friendly) relationships between multiple characters who are time travelers (rather than a time traveler and their non-time-traveling partner or family)

art that might be created with time travel (like Grace’s exhibitions or Angharad’s dance; what about novels or other fiction somehow created using time travel?)

the rules and customs of time travel (in-world documents? habits or observances that develop on a mass level beyond people’s individual compulsions or visits to significant dates within their own timeline? what fictional stories do time travelers write about time travel?)

more about the Conclave as a workplace, its social dynamics and logistics

interactive fiction?!

but really I’d love to read anything in this fandom. I'd be happy with fiction and/or in-world documents!

—

Fandom: Simoun

Character(s): Neviril

I've just completed a rewatch of this show, and it has reaffirmed for me that I love Neviril. She's a leader in both a military and a religious sense, respected by her squad and by the populace, but figuring out what that means to her is such a personal journey. I still love her scene in the hearing where she speaks aloud what no one has wanted to admit or talk about - that they're soldiers now, this is war, can they still call themselves priestessses? - but I was also struck on this rewatch by how Chor Tempest increasingly becomes a player in itself in the politicking (the bit in Episode 21 where the whole lot of them fly out against orders, because it's what they, with Neviril leading and giving voice to the group, think is what their role is about), and by the scenes of her blessing the people (when iirc she is needed elsewhere by the military governor for flight purposes) and Paraietta (after what Paraietta did to her).

I love the military aspects of this canon in general (and the associated tropes of loyalty and trust and bravery and positive/negative relationship to authority) and that definitely ties in to Neviril figuring out what her role is as the squad leader, but I'm also just here for that very process of figuring it out and defining it for herself.

So...what happens to her post-canon? What is the "new world" and her travel in it like? If she makes it back to the main world when war is brewing again, but her old cohort can't fly anymore, what does she see her role as being - a leader for peace, for war, something else? How do she and Aer interact with Paraietta, Rodoreamon, Floef, and/or Vyuraf?

Ship-wise, Aer/Neviril grew on me a lot! I appreciated Aer more as the determined bit-of-a-loose-cannon type than as the manic pixie this time, and noted Neviril's comments about how she was drawn to Aer's determination. But I'd also be up for a poly situation where she's involved with both Aer and Paraietta, who are friends, or, I guess, one where it's a three-way relationship, although I don't personally know what the Aer/Paraietta side would be like! (I do like how they work together in battle even when they're shown as having personal issues.)

I think this is the only fandom I could be interested in explict fic for this time around, as an option - the series is, on some level, about the contrast between the reality and physicality of their bodies and the general perception of what they do (which even in its non-spiritual military capacity is removed from a connection to their bodies via the Simoun aircraft), about becoming an adult, and of course about gender.

Fandom-Specific DNW: I'm not really interested in Kaim and Alty and would prefer for them not to appear or for their backstory to come up. I would also not like to see pre-timeskip Dominuura/Limone.

—

Fandom: Where the Sky is Silver and the Earth is Brass - Sonya Taaffe

Character(s): Any (Chaye Roznatovsky, Demon)

Anything expanding on this story would make me really happy. Chaye's years with the partisans, the comrades-in-arms she had and loved then and who else's memory she holds or makes into a weapon, her journey to America, going by the surname of "no one." The demon's mirror world, its loss of that world (what exactly happened on the other side?) and its need to be where Jews are, demon Judaism? Or the future of both of them now that they've found each other!

Fandom-Specific DNW/Opt-In: DNW Chaye/demon. The premise of the story being what it is, I'm explicitly okay with antisemitism being a prominent feature of the story if you write something that covers either or both characters' backstory, but would prefer post-war antisemitism not to be a focus.

[migleefulmoments]

So... Abby responds to her family's intervention by obediently telling them she'll stop (ie. lying to them). She then immediately tries to find ways to keep the blog in secret, hiding behind various usernames, lurking on her coven's blogs, more time deleting posts from both blogs we know about. Meaning, instead of getting help, she spends even MORE time online engaging in more batshit crazy crap to cover her ass. Yeah, sure, that doesn't signal dire need for mental health intervention AT ALL.

It looks like that is what is happening.  We will have to see what the future holds. What does Abby do? 

So far the fandom is flailing. Cassie got a couple of anons- one that reads like those anons Abby used to send herself as it covers all the issues they are most upset about so perfectly well (My comments in parenthesis and italicized:: 

Anonymous asked: Even if I am unsure about CC itself, I don't buy M*arr*n. I just don't. And the other side is using doxing and the fact that you and others say things they don't like about M as an excuse to do so and as a way to detract from the fact that their couple goals have some pretty big, glaring plot holes in their love story. I've not seen anyone on this side of the fandom out or dox anyone publicly as a way of humiliation. M gave up her privacy by dating D, but Abby didn't and they were wrong. Period. 

cassie1022 answered: Nonnie, I swear every time they diagnose us as mentally ill or say we’re bitter hags, an LGBTQ angel gets his or her wings. We all know my beliefs, but there are MANY people that are like you and don’t know for sure about CC but sure as hell know Miarren isn’t a normal, healthy relationship. (Funny thing, I don’t remember anyone diagnosing Cassie as mentally ill. Cassie is alwasy the wallflower that nobody wants to dance with and she tries so hard to be part of the fun people. Last week she was sad because I hadn’t sent her a “hate” message (See comment in last post below) 

Even if I remove D from the situation, I would still think M is a lazy, spoiled toddler with no discernable work ethic coupled with a superiority complex that rivals the Cheeto in Command of the US.

You are absolutely correct. Our fandom just wants to be left alone. We don’t send hateful asks to the other side. We don’t have to. They feel they have the right to dox CCers because they don’t like what we say about M, a woman that would light a cigarette from the flames engulfing them and not call 911 to help them. I mean, honestly, it doesn’t get much lower than mocking someone’s death. Plus, as you correctly said, M put herself in the spotlight “dating” D. If she didn’t want that attention, she would have stayed in the background. There are plenty of celebrities married to non famous people and we don’t see them at every event like we do M. (It is BAFFLING to me that they can’t comprhend something as simple and obvious as the reasaon they “see Mia everywhere” is because they fucking stalk her and they hyperanalzye every photo Darren is in looking for her. If they started stalking Ben Feldman they would see his wife just as much as they see Mia).    

Bottom line is what they did to Abby was deplorable, but, just like their kween, they feel justified in doing whatever they want. This isn’t the first time they’ve crossed a line with regards to my friend, but it was the worst.

notes-from-nowhere Anon, they love to throw the guilt of their actions on our shoulders, it’s how they justify what they do to themselves. They need us to be the bad guys otherwise what is the only option left? (I never know what the hell Notes is trying to say- throw the guilt of our actions on their shoulders? I’d love an example of that. I can’t imagine what guilty action I put on their shoulder. As for needing them to be the bad guys or what do we have left? OMFG are you kidding me? We critcize the cc fandom for being misogynistic, homophobic, bullies who attack  Mia, Darren, Ricky and their own Nonnies. They have viscioulsy attacked people in their own fandom who dared to question them. But the biggest reason we push back is because THEY LIE. All the damn time. So what do we have left? Being on the right side, being correct, not lying, not needing to lie, and the joy of watching Darren live his best life)   

Leka got a couple of asks but her answers were weak, confusing and pointless. It’s clear she isn’t ready to take over as their leader. She repeated Abby’s main talking points, tried to use big words to sound smarter and basically ended up not making a lot of sense:

Anonymous asked: I could be wrong, and I hope I am, but I think the character on the HW poster holding the girl is D's character, it would fit if you look at the other guys on the poster, maybe this is already the first hint to show D's character is not gay and so technically not breaking the no more queer roles rule his team set for him. It won't make it any better because it's still a career on the bag of LGBTQ+ people with it's teams but it's technically not a broken rule. I just really need for things to change, I want them to so bad, it kills me seeing someone so kind in a situation like that, and I truly believe D is one of the kindest people in that horrible town. He deserves better than M, I wouldn’t even mind if he goes onto another beard but she and RR just need to go. I really think it’s crazy people still think everything HW is real and PR relationships don’t exist, I wished that place was just better and had a moral compass, people deserve more it kind of shows just how jaded this situation has made me, I can’t even enjoy amazing promo material without directly twisting it into something negative, I don’t want to be this way and if I feel like this I can’t even imagine how D must feel. He is stronger than I’ll ever be living through hell every day, even if he’s not ok he’s still here and holding on, I don’t know if I could in his position. Sorry for the long message and the unneeded negativity, I guess I just had to vent a little

*********************************

Leka answered: So let’s look at the way HW is described:

“Each character offers a unique glimpse behind the gilded curtain of Hollywood’s Golden Age, spotlighting the unfair systems and biases across race, gender and sexuality that continue to this day. Provocative and incisive, HOLLYWOOD exposes and examines decades-old power dynamics, and what the entertainment landscape might look like if they had been dismantled.”

I do consider this the very intriguing thing about the news. (And it just goes to show that believing everything you’re sold is being utterly and completely ignorant.) Let’s say you’re right because ofc it’s possible. How does R/aymond fit in here? Given the excessive way team shit has pushed that article, a technicality won’t be good enough. There has to be a better plan. This doesn’t match what’s been said in his name.

What I think is this doesn’t necessarily have to mean much. You know very well what you see doesn’t have to be the (full) truth. That doesn’t just apply to the real HW. Especially considering the time period of this show. And let’s not forget the pap pics we got at a gas station. This doesn’t rule out SB as an inspiration. I would advise anyone to read up on him. We don’t know at this point. As we keep saying, the best thing to do is to wait and see. I’m certainly interested in finding out more.

As time goes on, the danger of this situation keeps becoming even clearer to me. D deserves much, much better. He’s incredibly strong, but the most toxic person in his life needs to go and she’s more than welcome to take the jumping jackass with her. That’s definitely the most important thing right now. (I’m curious what the danger of Hollywood is?)

awesome-fanfictionada: @leka-1998I’m just wondering - it must have been D who got himself this job on HW, right? Couldn’t this have been done on purpose to counter that ridiculous statement - which wasn’t even accurate, if the source was that interview where he stated that he wouldn’t want to be a casting director? Could in this case RM be a friend?

leka-1998:  @awesome-fanfictionada Yes, he did that himself. Again. And he said the show’s been sold late in 2018. According to an article that came out later, it happened in February 2019. Not true.

HW has been a thing before that statement was made, which is indeed very different from the answer D himself gave during the interview. That’s what makes the article seem like sabotage by team shit. And standing in RM’s way is never a good idea. So while I will obviously never like him, I’m reserving judgment on his current role until we know more.

Anonymous asked: The underlying issue in general is really that social media has made it so people think they get an accurate glimpse into the lives of celebrities, when in reality social media, like everything else that is publicly released about them, is used as a marketing tool. People are actually more inauthentic than they've ever been because they feel pressure to maintain a certain image for social media at all times. So anyone who decides D is living honestly, it's because they want to believe he is.

Leka: True, nonnie. Just look at the text lines that are becoming more popular again. Not nearly as genuine as people want to believe. In D’s case, what has to be brought up? M. Oh Halloween and her amazing shopping skills praised on SM. The work fam honeymoon pic promoting the place they stayed at. Coa/chella for the H&M ad. Mardi Gras posted shortly after the mockery to promote the designer. I could obviously go on. Most of what we see on SM shows the person the 10 year crew wants him to be. And what looks like a split personality if you compare certain posts. Which brings me back to ‘they want to believe’, as what you’re saying clearly isn’t a secret. Anyone can choose to ignore it but at this point, if that’s the case even though you’re more or less paying attention, it’s really a conscious decision.

Oh btw, there’s a HW IG account now and it already has a D follow. Imagine that. R/oyalties co-stars, anyone?

Flowers didn’t get any asks. Amazing since she has more followers than I do and she bragged about getting more “notes” than me.  She did answer azscc who posted an odd rant that baffles me.  Who the fuck is azscc and who is posting anything about her? I realize I am not the only person in this fandom posting about ccers But I just checked all the blogs that I know of and nobody is talking about her; 

azsc  its so weird how chillarrens call me a bully while i only say something rude towards them if they write bullshit towards me. and its just ironic how chillarrens go around calling people bullies while they are the reason why tons of cc accounts use their accounts private or don’t post their opinions and etc. the real threat to the fandom are people like you. so instead of going around throwing shit on people and calling them “mental, delusional...” get a life. no cc believer goes around hunting for chillarren pics and insult the account owner so why don’t you all grow up and realize no one has to agree with your opinions. every crisscolfer blog/twitter page/insta acc basically stan accs never asked for your opinions on their pages so why don’t you just let it go? no one cares about what you all say or do so why are you forcing it this much?

call me a bully i am pretty much okay with that. its obvious that people are unable to understand basic sarcasm and irony and i am not judging because to actually understand what people say you have to at least have an average IQ level. and if you don’t have it, it’s okay but that doesn’t mean you can twist people’s words and post them all over the internet. but its lowkey really funny that i only had my instagram acc for something like 4/5 months and i received over 300 hate/insult/blackmail/death wish messages and etc. and who are you people to call us bullies? (Nobody is a Chillarren. Darren and Mia are married and Chris and Will are in a long-term relationsihp,  Nobody has to “ship” them in order to believe they are together. In America, we accept that when someone introduces their wife or their boyfriend they are telling the truth. It is customary to address that person as their wife or boyfriend respectively. The crisscolfers on the other hand, must use a fandom ship name because they are shipping two people who are not in a relationship and never were. All evidence indicates Chris and Darren are no long friends; they are nothing more than former co-workers-friendly and polite when they see one another but no longer involved in one another’s lives. Chris and Darren both have denied (more than once) that the were ever in a relationship).  .   

flowersintheattic254 I have never in my whole time here posted an anon to a Miarren account. I have no desire to. I’m confident in my beliefs.

The interesting thing for me is that I’ve been here for about four years now and in that time I’ve seen the head of the fandom disappear, other people disappear because their families have been doxed, established long-term cc blogs with a wealth of history deleted without warning. I myself have had my daughters threatened.  This sort of stuff doesn’t happen anywhere in the fandom but here here. If we are a bunch of delusional crazy middle-aged women then this shouldn’t happen. (Who was doxed? Who dissappered? It’s all “liar liar” with everything ccers say. In the last 4 years Abby has been the only leader of the cc fandom. Michelle left between 4 and 5 years ago because her outrageious cc comments threatened her ability to raise money for her little Klaine-fanfic rip-off movie. I vaguely remember someone asking flowers how her daugther’s would feel if they read what she writes- hardly a threat. If there was something more she never posted any proof. As for blogs being deleted- so was D-Criss News.  It happens. The only cc blog that I know of that disappeared was DisneyPrincessModelWorld’s original blog which had was a hot mess of lies and catfishing. She visciously bullied Mia. Hardly someone to mourn their blog being deleted). 

It’s shocking that an actor may lgbt causes such drama. (HUH?)

Flower’s comment is so disingenuous. While it is technically true -she hasn’t sent me anons, she HAS instead publically ridiculed me and frankly, I can’t see how that is any different? I’d say it’s worse because they wanted their followers to see what they wrote and the only way to ensure that is to post it on their blogs. Flowers and Abby posted many public “Michy” posts.  Here is her most recent: 

flowersintheattic254Oh and I guess Michy sent us all some hate today.

I guess I have way more followers than you and only about 4 that send hate. You haven’t for ages.

I think I have over 70,000 hits currently to my blog. I must be saying something interesting.

He’s been married allegedly for a year and people still doubt. That’s gotta hurt you. Anyway......

✌️

ajw720 Michy told me today today that the outing couldn’t possibly be promo, because JS was only cast in September!  What a moron who clearly doesn’t know how HW works.  Sweetheart, it was ANNOUNCED in September;)

I was waiting for a few more months, but in 4 years, since i have been tracking, i have almost a million! (976,695 to be precise).

It is amazing that so many people care about what us bat shit crazy, irrelevant, psychologically unstable, threatening, hateful tin hats have to say!  And that does not include people reading on their dash or that hit you on the app!  So yep, Michy, clearly what we are saying is being monitored by someone.  And clearing making people think!! But you keep wasting your time writing for your audience of 4:)

cassie102 I feel left out, Michy didn't come at me today. Must hurt like hell knowing you're a joke that perpetuates a bigger joke.

leka-1998 Birds of a fake feather flock together. When the right person says tomorrow’s Christmas, tomorrow’s Christmas. Get ready, everyone.

If I narrow it down to the last six months, about 10,000 btw. Hm strange.

flowersintheattic254 @ajw720 the number of hits you have give me oxygen. If Michy thinks they are haters then she is delusional. People know when they are being sold something fake and they look for answers.

[parkminijiminie]

I think Black or White was self-explanatory today, but what did you think about it? What about the party, in general? I'm love your blog

Hey, sweet Anon. Thank you for your love 💙💛😍😘

I first have to say that I applaud Seokjin for his strength and professionalism to participate in the Prom Party in his family’s time of grief and loss. It must have been very hard to do and ARMYs should be really thankful to him.

Overall, I enjoyed the Party a lot, perhaps more than last year. I was surprised by it in a positive way. I didn’t expect this particular units nor their respective performances apart from Ddaeng. I thought we would get a JK+V+Jhope, RM+JM and Sope units as the comeback show suggested. Still, I wasn’t disappointed; I loved their perfomances very much.

Taejin really came for me with “Even if I die it’s you”. I loove the song and have always wanted to hear it live and they did not disappoint in the slightest. Their vocals were impeccable, Jin with his high notes truly mesmerized and of course Tae’s voice was on a different level. It seemed he really enjoyed performing it, the song must hold very special and fond memories for him. Their outfits were totally my style and once again I was reminded just how much chemistry Tae and Jin have while performing as well as in general. They sound and look wonderful together.

Ddaeng left me speechless. The Asian aesthetics in the choice of outfits, the energy of the performance all made me enjoy it tremendously. BTS truly have a superb and very unique rap line. I particularly liked Hoseok’s part as his way of rapping is really different to me. To be fair, I had to watch the performance at least twice because the first time I was so distracted trying to figure out if Namjoon had a shirt (and trying not to die), that I missed half of it. Speaking of Joon, he really came for me in this performance. I felt attacked by him on a new level. Suga of course killed it but that is nothing new, he always does. My favorite part was Tae hopping on stage in the middle of the song. I died laughing. He finally made his dream come true albeit very shortly. It’s one of my most favorite moments.

I really liked the choice of songs. Butterfly and Whalien 52 were awesome. The BT 21 costumes were really cute (Jimin’s little ponytail 😂), Fake love sounded great and I liked that the Encore stage included Best of me and Pied paper as I like both songs and choreographies very much. Particularly funny I found the segment with the members trying to remember their old dances. Jimin was sooo bad, yet so cuutee and Tae was a literal king. The games and skits were very good too. I found them more entertaining this year perhaps due to the fact that each member was playing for himself. It made them more competitive and therefore pettier. Bangtan arguing over who got what right is a whole mood. Truly like a Run episode.

Random little things I loved: Jin’s falling headband during Anpanman; Jimin’s little ballet dance; Tae’s cameo; Tae and Kook plotting against Suga and Hoseok and Jimin turning it around to include all of them; that Minjoon hug 😍😍😍; JM pleading the staff to take down his old photos; Kookie and Tae arguing for Minie’s attention; Jimin leaning on Jk during Butterfly and much more.

Now about The Dance, The Performance, The Black and White Couple.

First, no-one is allowed to say anymore that JM and JK don’t know about the black and white thing. Ofc it’s logical that they would know, especially since there was a Korean article about it, but now it’s painfully obvious. They really are aware of everything, huh. Those little Chick and Bunny onesies were not random too. They just wanted us dead.

Second, their outfits.. God, their outfits. The all black look really suits JK the best as well as the all white is made for JM. Both of them were very sexy, Jimin in a softer, more sultry and delicately seductive way with that choker and Kook in a more raw and aggressive way. Each of them looked the best they’ve ever looked in my opinion and together they were intimidatingly attractive. They were like a cross between a wet fantasy coming to life and a royal couple. If I see them on the street I wouldn’t be able to lift my jaw from the ground to be honest.

The Dance itself was magnificent. The choreography suited their individual styles perfectly and each of them shined. JK’s high kick must be my most favorite move he’s ever done. The moments where they danced together were on another level, that jacket taking off move is something I can’t wait to see in the practice video. The song itself holds a lot of meaning and I’m really glad they chose it. With it’s message being “love transcends differences” I don’t think it was a random decision at all.

All in all, I was very surprised to see them paired up for a third year. I thought that for sure they would switch things around this time but nope. They proved once again that if they have the opportunity they will always choose each other. And why not? They really are something else together. The chemistry they have while performing, be it dancing or singing, is phenomenal. Their voices, dancing styles and personalities go so well together as if they were made for each other. None of them overshadows the other, each shines and compliments the other in creating a masterpiece. Truly, every time it’s just the two of them, I think to myself that it can’t be a coincidence they met. They were meant to find each other even if just to deliver us amazing performances. When the time comes for sub-units, I hope they form one because it would be a total shame if they don’t. They really are that pair: insanely talented, insanely attractive and insanely in-love. Okay, that last one was just a joke. Or was it, really? 

Apart from the dance, there were many other KM moments throughout the Prom Party that I find meaningful. JK openly thirsting over JM’s abs as well as Jimin thanking Jungkook for growing up and showing his body were very funny. That hint of Jinjikook vlive also left me very very excited. I think Jimin being equal parts exasperated and dying of laughter is an accurate representation of the trio’s vlives that we’ve seen so far. Also, Jin complaining of KM always ordering their food for his room is an entertaining glimpse of Bangtan behind the scenes. How often are Jimin and Jungkook together? Are they ever even more than 2 meter away from each other? How many times have they ordered their food to Jin’s room for him to complain about it? And of course, the whole Jikook annoying Jin skit was also very funny as it’s probably very accurate. This is exactly how I think JK and JM are off camera: in their world, doing their own thing and tormenting their hyungs in the process. Particularly heart-warming to me is the moment in which JK oh-so-casually admits that he doesn’t have any secrets from Jimin. The fact that his answer to a member keeping something from JM was immediately and without any thinking “It wasn’t me then” is so telling for the state of their relationship. JK said it so casually, so simply, as if that’s obvious and goes without even mentioning: If it’s a secret, then it automatically isn’t his.

If his doesn’t convince people of how close Jimin and Jungkook are, I don’t know what will.  I don’t think there’s even one person in the world that I don’t have at least a very small secret from and I don’t think that’s a problem. But of course JK and JM will outdo us all and be that couple, the “we tell each other absolutely everything” one who finish each other’s sentences and have at least three nicknames for the oneother. Come to think of it, it’s really not that much of a surprise considering they’re known as Jiminclopedia and Jeonclopedia. They really are putting everyone to shame with their healthy and ever stronger relationship. 

The other also casually delivered curve ball that hit me right at the heart was that “I told Jungkook I would go to the moon with him”. Like, what? WHAT? I’d really really like to know in what context exactly did that came up? I can’t think of even one entirely platonic situation in which I would choose these exact words in a conversation with a friend. Sure, I’d say “I’ll be there for you through everything” or “I’ll support you always, you can count on me” but “I’do go to the moon with you”? That’s such a strong and romantically sounding statement that it is not something you’ll often hear between just friends, let alone bRotHerS. And the meaning of it is so precious: Jimin would follow Jungkook everywhere, he would be there with him in anything and everything, he will not leave his side. Again, it isn’t something we didn’t know but hearing it stated so explicitly and so directly gives it a whole new level of impact. 

Which leads me to my next thought: will we ever know what is the deal with KM and the moon? It obviously holds a significance for them as it’s been mentioned several times now but in what way?

It’ll probably stay a mystery as many other KM things. Which is actually a big part of what I love about them: their relationship has layers upon layers, it deepens in roots and grows in height every year. It’s a beautifully intricate thing, like a century old tree in the beginning of its life or a masterpiece painting yet to be finished. It’s the one “ship” that keeps on giving because it’s not really a ship. It’s two people loving each other thoroughly and continuously in and through time (in whatever way that love knows form). 

[guyinlovewitheremika]

Dude serious question here : how are you still single ? Judging from your blog you seem so cute and friendly and an overrall fun person to be around. I for one would have loved to get to know you irl. But well keep up your amazing blog, I wish you the best in life

Aww anon that’s really sweet of you haha. Hope you have an amazing life too.

I used this opportunity for a little bit of self-analysis, which I’m keeping under-read since it’s not the main content of this blog. Quite frankly it failed and I don’t recommend reading.

THERE IS NO POINT TO THIS POST. I started writing with a huge plan, it didnt work out and now only half the thing is here, and by itself, it makes no bloody sense. I still wanna keep it here simply for myself, but anyone reading this rn will probs only get an incomplete and thusly inaccurate picture of what I’m trying to paint. 

Okay, so here’s the thing. I started writing this huge thing with a clearly mapped out thought process in mind, it had structure and whatnot. Unfortunately an event I even described in my analysis, a change of my mental state, prohibited me from finishing my writing---this is thus very incomplete, lacking many arguments and most importantly an actual conclusion. I doubt I’ll ever reconnect to this particular text anyway, but I still felt like sharing it as I considered it to be a very accurate depiction my head up until the point where I got lost. So even though it’s totally lackluster and incomplete, I’m still sharing it here because I feel like I owe it to myself. Anyway. After this follows the introduction I had originally written. Since I posted this for myself, the chance of me answering asks, replies or messages about this is very little, partially for reasons explained below. AnYwAY

Le forum ofdeath and sucks balls what the fuck

You'reprobably just a lovely anon who wanted to say something nice and cheer me up,and believe me, it's appreciated^^ This extended response shouldn't be takenpersonal by you in any way at all, I simply saw an opportunity for me to writethings down I've been meaning to write down for a long time. Thing is, there'sabout a 0% chance of me talking to over people what's really going on in myhead unless I'm prompted to do so--unless there're huge indicators of therebeing legitimate interest in my psyche, I aint talking, and even then, the chancesremain slim. Granted, your message wasn't really a direct inquiry or whateverbut I've had this shit in my system so long that it's more than sufficient forme to let lose. Warning: basically everything below (and even above) are mypersonal observations of myself, and most likely don't make a ton of sense foranyone who isn't, well, me. "Translating" all of this into anythingcomprehensible outside of my head is gonna be tricky enough, but I still feellike doing it. The purpose of this text is ultimately for self-analysis; uponwriting things down it can clarify or explain certain thoughts, and that'sreally waht I'm after. I don't want to shove my own analysis of my mentalsituation down my followers throats, I'm writing and posting this only for myselfto be affected by the process of doing so; thusly, once more, this will potentiallybarely make any sense for anyone, but it's not supposed to for anyone exceptme, so in essence, don't read too much into this post.

Long assintroduction

Damn

Anyway, let'sget started, and back to the original question, how are you still single.

BecauseBOI, there's a plethora of reasons, mostly tied to my relationship with myselfand my surroundings, and that's what I wanna talk about here.

First ofall, yeah. Guy does seem like a fun, sweet person to have around here, doesn'the? You're not the first person to tell me that, and I'm not saying that tofeed on my ego or whatever, but because this perception of Guy isn't unique. Iget nice and lovely anons, Barely and hate towards me as a person despite arather rapidly growing follower count, I've even made a ton of onlinefriendships over the span of months, and those folks generally don't seem tohate Guy either, for similar reasons. That's all good and fun, and ofc Iappreciate people who're sympathetic towards me, but that's because here ontumblr and over on discord, I'm Guy. The dude who absolutely loooves snk, whoknows a lot about the series, who tries to help people out and is pretty wankfree (that's an over-the-top, stereotyped description simply for the sake ofgetting the general point across).

The problemis that "Guy" is a periodic, temporary and very much incompleterepresentation of my identity. Now of course, the following dialogue can quicklyfall into the "edgy-teenager-YouKnowMyNameButNotMyStory" trope whichtypically disqualifies any rationality accompanied by the claims, but for thesake of argument, I'd like to give my analytical skills more credit than a 21stcentury stereotype. The basic point I'm trying to make here is this: the"real", "complete" version of myself has more to it thanjust the blogger you know as "Guy", and that's simply because myonline presence is very filtered. Whenever I'm posting on my blog or talking tomy friends on discord, I'm being Guy. My mental state, my thought process, andmy emotional balance is that of SnK loving Guy. The thing is, whenever there'sa change in my mental state, a variation, one that differs from who we know as"Guy", Guy shuts down, and so does my activity. I'm not blogging24/7, I'm not being constantly Guy. And I'm not chatting 24/7 either, myfriends may confirm this: I often stop talking in the middle of conversations,stop responding, reduce or cease my current activity all together. Occasionallythat's caused by irl disturbances, but for the most part, the issue lies in avariation within my mental state, one that disrupts my situation of being Guy,causing a discrepancy between my activity and my thought process concerning myactivity. In simpler (and seriously overblown) terms, I temporarily stop beingthe person I just was (this being Guy), and swap to a different mental state, onethat differs from being Guy.

This allprobably sounds ludicrous and absolutely over the top, and I apologize for that.It's not as if I have "multiple personalities" in my head, orschizophrenia, or whatever. These varying mental states I'm describing aren'ttotally different people, but...different facades of myself, if that makes anysense.  It probably doesn't, so let meprovide you with a possibly explanative analogy, to visualize everything. Letssay you're playing and RPG, and you have your core character. You level him up,gain experience, skills, and whatnot. That's default form of your character,lacking equipment and whatnot. However, in order to adapt to the constantlychanging environments and opponents you face, you need equipment, and the onlyoptions you have are various, predetermined armor and weapon sets. There's adifferent, unique type for every situation-one for each environment and eachenemy. The only problem is this: they come with a predetermined set of statsand skills. Parts of the sets cannot be exchanged with one another, and youcan't use multiple ones either. What's worse is that, despite the varyinglevels of skills you may have obtained on your core character, these arepartially or even entirely overwritten when donning one of the sets--you can'tverify or even use these stats and skills of your core character, as they'relocked away by whatever set you use. Only in down times, when in your hideout,all by yourself, can you take off the sets and access your stats andskills--only then does the experience you obtained when using the sets actuallyappear, only then can you observe your core character as a whole. That's moreor less what my head looks like, from my POV. Granted, this by no means is atotally accurate representation--it's flawed, it ignores certain other aspects,doesn't universally apply to me either, and ultimately, has no proof. However,I feel like this is the closest approximate description I can offer at themoment, and ultimately just am example to allow for some visualization--not auniversal truth or affirmation.

But let'stake a closer look at these equipment sets, or mental states, as I like to callthem. One of my favorite movies over the past years was the sci-fi flicArrival--Denis Villeneuve's thought provoking tale about extraterrestrialcreatures showing up on our planet and humanities attempt to interact with them.One of it's major elements was the use of language, and one theme in particularfascinated me: the theory that speaking in another language can potentiallymodify, or even rewire your brain and thought process. It's something Icouldn't agree more with. I fluently speak three languages, and, given myliving and educational situation, typically switch between all three of themmultiple times a day. I don't want to assume anyone's thoughts or feelings, butI'm certain I'm not the only one who has different relationships with thelanguages they speak, and who feel different depending on the used language.It's a pretty natural thing. Another thing we can probably all agree on is that,depending with whom we're interacting, or under which exterior circumstances(such as location), our precise way to express ourselves may sometimes vary--youmay act in a certain way with one person in a certain place, and act verydifferently with another person in a different place. Well, of course I can'tclaim that to be a universal truth for every person on the planet, but I'vecertainly heard other people describe it before, and I've felt it from otherstoo. It's there, sometimes, to a certain extent. Maybe it's totally natural, aneveryday feeling for everyone involved, and maybe I'm just too weak to be ableto counteract the consequences, but who knows. My primary issue stems from the fact that, I'm taking this varyingcircumstances and their consequences to a ridiculous level. Depending on mylanguage, my location, the time of day and the people I'm with, my expressionof myself, my (from an exterior POV observable) personality, if you want to, isborderline subject to change. "Guy" in many ways I can't mentallygrasp at the moment is fundamentally different from the person you mayencounter under specific, different circumstances.

Now ofcourse, this probably is something felt by other people alone, I'm not somehowspecial by feeling that way, probably just too weak to deal with it. But onething I can say with absolute certainty is that the consequences of thevariations has an effect on my surrounding. An example in my family: due to hisjob, my father is rarely at home, and I'm typically left with my mother, withwhom I have a rather close and positive relationship with. On the days myfather is there however, our relationship changes, my general mood is affected,and my expression of myself heavily changes. Once again, I'm sure I'm notunique in that way, I'm sure it's a normal, human concept, it just seems toaffect me really much. This isn't just limited to important, deep relationshipslike me and my parents, but its present in really every situation. Example, Imay desire to spend time with my friends at school when there, but back home,in a different mental state, that desire disappears entirely. I often don'treply to messages for weeks, and rarely ever initiate communication by myself,which can be totally different in another mental state. See, and that's one ofthe primary issues. My relationships with pretty much everyone are heavilymodified and affected by the changes in my mental state based on circumstancesand whatnot. If we follow that logic, any intimate or romantic relationshipwould be affected too. And that's one of the cruxes here: I couldn't possiblyentertain one particular mental state throughout the entirety of anoverarching, important relationship with someone. There would be instances inwhich my mental state would vary, and I would in turn be severely affected thischange, but this non-given, non-evident relationship with a significant otherwouldn't just...stop existing, wouldn't temporarily be on hold until I've returnedto a mental state appropriate of said relationship. You can't put it on hold,you can't neglect all of that while waiting for your brain to return to anadequate state. There's continuity and effort and ultimately something enduringwithin a relationship, but that's incredibly hard to entertain if the facade ofoneself is subject to constant modification. Though that in itself is somethingI would already consider rather problematic, it's far from the end. Rememberwhen I described the situation in my head? The idea of a certain core character,unaffected by the armor sets? Let's take a closer look at that.  

All thesevarious mental states, these predetermined armor sets, caused by the varyingcircumstances I find myself in throughout life, have one thing in common: blockingout the "core character", the one that acquires the skills andexperience obtained through the life in armor, the one that has a sort ofoverseeing access to all of these obtained life experiences. That is what Iconsider to be the "purest" version of myself. The one thingunaffected by circumstances, the one at the center off all these various mentalstates. I can only be in this unaffected state when not in relation to anythingin my exterior: not being constrained to convey thoughts verbally through theuse of a certain language, not being actively in relation to another person,and being in a neutral place, unaffected by anything, such as my room.Basically, if I'm in an entirely neutral situation, not affected by anythingexterior whatsoever, my mind goes into a neutral state too. This neutral stateallows me one particular thing: introspection. Self-analysis, if you want to.Only in the neutral state can I fully reflect on my experiences and my life asa whole, only then can I attempt to understand my progression in life, myemotions, my mental situation. In fact, at this very moment, I find myself inthis neutral state--only now am I actually able to reflect on what's going onin my head, and the fact that I'm able to write it down cohesively is an enormousfeat in itself. However, this distinction between my neutral state, the"core character", and the various mental states, the "armorsets", comes with a plethora of issues, the first one being this verydiscrepancy. As explained earlier, the "sets" override the"core", and I mean that in a literal way. All my reflections, all mythoughts and questions, all my arguments, failures and progressions, areblocked out when I'm in one of these sets. For example, if I'm talking to mytherapist, it's downright impossible for me to communicate all these thoughtsobtained through introspection, simply because they're blocked out, they're notavailable anymore. They slip out from memory, I can barely grasp them at all,it feels like walking through horribly thicc mist; and even in the event that Istill can formulate some of my thoughts, I can't properly convey them. In fact,even if I write them down and try to read them out, it feels more like readingsomeone else's thesis: my brain doesn't connect to the material at all, itdoesn't understand, it can't back it up: in that situation, they're not my ownthoughts at all, but someone else's, and no matter how much I search my mindfor answers of clues, the only thing I can find is a bleak, empty void, leavingme feeling dumbfounded, with an empty head. Literally. When I later return tomy neutral state, everything returns to me, but quite frankly, that's notuseful, since I still lack the means to communicate it in a manner thatconvinces both me and party B.

Unfortunatelythe issues don't stop there. If we go by the assumption that this neutral, coreversion of myself is what you may call "the real me", I would kind ofbe in a pretty shit situation, because, quite frankly, being this neutralversion of myself is not fun at all. Maybe its related to ingrained pessimism,but all introspection, all reflection and thoughts, always go in a prettynegative way. Never once have I thought about myself in depth and arrived at anactual positive outcome: every answer is negative and spells out inevitabledoom one way or another. There's always a depressing note to everything, infact, there is a seriously ingrained tendency leading towards what may be aform of depression in all my thoughts, but I'll get into that later. The bigbad issue is that ultimately, this neutral state of mine, as well as everypossible variable mental state, lacks one primordial thing necessary to thehuman existence: life. I'm descending towards a melodramatic presentation oncemore, forgive me. It's a hunch towards excess. But here's the thing. Theneutral state is exclusively based around introspection, it can't do anythingbut reflect, and reflect in a pretty negative manner if I might add. There'snothing else to it. The "sets" are technically set in what we wouldcall life, they're all in relation with something, but inherently lack thecommon thing that is myself; they're mere facades, they're fakes, they'reincomplete, they're not ME.  Here's thething. Perhaps it was a result of all the issues mentioned above, or perhaps itcaused the issues above and originate from a certain event in my pastirrelevant for now, but one thing is certain: I'm heavily emotionally distancedfrom my own life. I barely ever feel any real, active emotions out of anythingin life, everything is distanced, bleak, unilateral. Any real, strong emotion,be it joy, hatred, sadness or whatever else you may think of, is something Ibarely ever feel these days. Even events that have an incredibly strong effecton my life struggle to bring forth an emotional reaction. Everythingstays...bleak. Unaffected. There's often a sort of distant negativity, abackground feeling of sorts, and there are occasions of limited joy or whatnotthat last a few moments, but it takes absolutely nothing whatsoever to returnto an empty or even highkey depressed state--ultimately, the sensation of"being alive" has become incredibly elusive to me over the last 8years, now nothing more than a mere distant memory. That's just how things are,and I can't deal with it.

Granted, Imay possibly be overdoing it rn. Been writing for a long time, need to makesure I don't start getting affected just yet. Ultimately, all these thingsheavily block the way for a meaningful relationship with another person. Notonly would they have to deal with the fact that the person they know seems toundergo mental changes on a continuous basis which can't be any good, their s.o.would go through constant mood changes, would often be emotionally distant fromthem for seemingly no reason whatsoever, wouldn't be able to even entertain a relationshipon a deeper level. Whatever it would be, it couldn't even be called a proper relationshipfrom my point of view. I wouldn't be able to be myself, and that's pretty mucha death sentence for anything meaningful that's supposed to last for a bit,right?

(sidenote:I feel as if I may have just exited the neutral state and am no longer able toentertain my introspection. My thoughts are literally disappearing from my mindand my memory of everything I've said so far and what I meant to say afterwardsis getting foggier by the minute. It's absolutely ridiculous and horriblyannoying, but at the very least it proves my points to myself, that's worthsomething).

After this point, I continued writing, but quickly realized I lost all connection, I had indeed gone through a change in mental state, leaving behind my introspection. Thus, this is largely incomplete, with many threads not tied together, and many arguments lacking entirely. My analysis went much deeper than what we see here, but unfortunately I don’t seem to be able to pick it up for now. What a shame. I had thought I had finally figured out some serious progress. But in a way, it’s also fitting. This major failure is evidence that the points made are very real and not my imagination. Too bad it prevented me from going further, but that’s all I can do for now. 

This is more or less the conclusion I meant to reach, but since half the arguments and reasoning are missing, it doesn’t make sense and feels like an asspull for the sake of attentionwhoring. It’s not, and I can assure you there is legitimate reasoning behind this, I just can’t access it rn:  To add more finality to the actual question that I tried to properly explain here but clearly turned out incapable of doing so, I have rather convoluted but justified mental and psychological issues for being single. These aren’t by choice, these aren’t because I enjoy being lonely, in fact I’ve desired the opposite since I was a child, but for various reasons I cannot fully explain yet, it wouldn’t be good at all for neither me nor my partner, not with the way I am right now (and this current failure is proof of that). Instead, I’ll keep sitting on my ass, waiting for a miracle that will never happen, with mental and and physical issues getting worse and worse as a consequence. But in its own way, that’s desirable for me; which is based on another issue, rooted even deeper in my psychology, one that is probably the source of all my issues. But I can’t talk about that yet.  

Other than that, there’s practical issues too. I’ll be leaving the continent this summer. I have very little positive memories about the last 8 years, the 2nd chapter of my life, but I don’t want to start getting attached to this life just as it is about to end. That would be the worst possible way to leave, and I need a clean cut at all costs. So yeah, no SO for me.