#ofc I chose strawberries

[fuckyeahskylarscrossing]

My own take on the fruit question:

[ramonathinks]

ALL HE WANTS — EREN x BLK!READER

tags: 18+ (no minors/no blank blogs — you will be blocked), shotgunning, sex, kinda friends to lovers, established relationship (towards the end), oral (f!), making out, sexual tension, eren has a tongue piercing and dimples, fingering, dirty talk, reader is black, mutual pining, dry humping, unprotected sex, dubcon (both a little buzzed on weed),

notes: this is a repost ofc but... i wasn't about to miss daddy's birthday lolll. (1)(2) “continue reading” divider by @/anitalenia 4.1k words ! + repost!

“When you gonna stop playing and let me be your man, baby?” Eren had his hands in his pockets and lent up against the wall, staring you down. The way he talked always made your body shiver, the way he looked deep into your eyes made you want to moan.

“Just gimme the weed, please.” You rolled your eyes at him. He was always like this — teasing you whenever he saw you all dolled up; tonight you wore a short peach colored dress that made your chest look even bigger, and his eyes kept glancing down constantly from your lips to your chest.

He probably kept looking at your lips because of how plump and bright they were decorated with the clear sticky fruity smelling lipgloss you always wore. Your hair was done in a wavy black hair done in a 32inch half up-half down that framed your face pretty well; and Eren tried to act like he didn’t realize it wasn’t the hairstyle he picked for you a while back.

Unintentionally he licked his lips before digging through his pockets for what he came over to deliver. Normally he didn’t hand deliver anything, he made people come to him, but this was you.

Sweet smelling you who always looked as good as you smelt and right now there was an aroma around you that smelled of nothing but strawberries and some other fruity smell that he couldn’t decipher. It wasn’t even just the fact that you smelled so good but rather the way you looked so good too, always with your hair done even your nails — long coffin shaped, pink and white acrylic with little designs on them — and your face, bare or not your skin was always glistening rich brown.

He was always losing his focus when you were in the room. He handed you your weed and turned to leave. “Wait, here—”

He scoffed, “On the house.” He waved you off, he did this all the time, no matter how many times you begged him to just take the money.

“Eren!” Using his long legs to stroll out of the hallway and towards the apartment complex’s door. He almost made it out before he felt you tug at his arm, a deep pout on your face.

“You’ll get wrinkles. Don’t…” He caressed the area between your eyebrows and trailed down to your jaw — taking it in his hands and squeezing it, making your pout deeper before he let it go.

“Just here, okay? I’m grateful you don’t make me pay since we’re friends,” That definitely wasn’t the reason, but he didn’t say anything. “But just take it. I can pay, you know I can.” Your eyelids fluttered innocently.

He sniffled, “Fine. Fine. Just this once.” He flicked your nose. Then Eren looked at you, truly looked at you and smiled a bit. You were really too cute. “Are you coming to Connie’s party in a few?”

“Yeah, I was actually just getting ready before you came.” You tell him, finally letting go of his arm.

“And that’s what you’re wearing?” He swallowed, biting his tongue. He sounded so judgmental that your eyes widened before you looked down at yourself.

It was cold yes but you always chose being cute over being cold, plus you were always being driven around so you weren’t even outside enough to feel the freezing cold air and it was only a small bit of occasional snow, nothing too bad.

“What’s wrong with it?” You craned your neck a bit to see your backside. Everything was in tact and in place.

Jealousy was already deep in his chest and tugging at his heart, making everything feel so tight around him. He just shook his head, “Nothing, just thinkin’ bout how cold it is, that’s all. But I know you already have a ride lined up, right?”

Playfully rolling your eyes you smirk, “Actually…” Twiddling with your fingers, he watches you already knowing where this was going. “I was hoping, you’d take me if you had a chance? Maybe?”

“Do I ever say no to you?” He asked, walking back down the hall with you towards your apartment again.

This wasn’t his first time inside of your apartment. But for some reason he couldn’t help but to be in awe. You lived in luxury — marble countertops, a wide double door silver fridge, a patio… he knew he couldn’t compare to the lifestyle your father already had you in.

He wish he could... but he couldn’t. He made enough on selling whatever he could but it was only enough for him, not a lifestyle like yours. He wouldn’t be able to provide for you like you needed. Even if he got a real good job, nothing could truly live up to your norm and he would hate for you to settle.

It was the reason that he never truly could actively pursue you like he wanted with a good conscience. How could he pursue you when you had everything you wanted and then some?

Even the fuzzy pink rug on your floor looked like it was worth a couple thousand. A glossy painting of you hung in the center of your living room and it caught his eye, the last time he was inside it wasn’t there.

“Isn’t it nice? Looks almost as cute as the real thing, Hm?” You teasing, putting a finger to your cheek.

He gave you a side eye with a smile so deep enough that you could see his dimple and it made your heart flutter.

You always thought he was cute just not boyfriend material. You weren’t even being judgmental but you heard about Eren long before you had met him. Just a boy who always wanted to get his dick wet and especially when he had pretty clients, you couldn’t take him serious. Even if you wanted to.

When he wasn’t being a flirt, he was a good friend, always came when you needed him, even if it was just for a ride. He was always so sweet and treated you better than any of your boyfriends.

“You think I should just settle for some pants instead of this then, huh?” You did a slight twirl. You could tell he really liked what you had on but just not today. Not where y’all was headed.

He clicked his teeth with his tongue, “Uhh…” He looked you over, his gaze lingering on all assets.

His knee was bouncing and he was getting up before he realized. He never been inside of your room, let alone your closet. So this was all new territory to him, yet he felt like he knew where everything was.

He don’t know why he loved seeing you in your pink moon boots but he knew he wanted to see them on you tonight. He peaked over his shoulder, looking at you briefly before looking over your closet again. “Hm,” He held out two different shirts, you chuckled.

“Maybe this one with the hearts to match the boots and then a nice mini skirt… not too short.” He knew how you liked to dress and you gave him a coy smile.

“Ya know what, Yeager? You’re cute.” You kissed his cheek before pushing him out the room to get dressed. You hate to admit you were feeling hot all over, most guys didn’t come into your room for anything but sex and even though you weren’t expecting him to come in and help you decide on something else he did. It was little. But more than you were used to.

Eren on the other hand, was trying not to palm his dick. Touching the soft fabric of your clothes and imagining them on your skin, had him gulping. He paced the living room before he heard small paws running up to him and yelping. A small bundle of golden tan fur ran up to him, scratching and sniffing the area around him.

“Princess!” You yelled, running out to get your little dog. “Sorry Eren, she loves new people. I thought she would stay sleep, but...” You coo and tap the floor so that she comes running. “I’ll put her up and then we can go.” You scoop her up.

He stops you, “Let me meet my baby’s baby.” He ushers her out of your hand and into his own, a deep smile on his face as she licks his fingers.

You ignore what he says and how it makes your stomach flutter, you just cross your arms and watch. “She’s the cutest.” He tells you, staring you down with a hooded gaze. “Let’s get going, ‘kay?”

You nod, heading to put her into a crate so she can sleep until you get back.

He waits for you, even when you lock up your apartment, he opens the car door for you. You don’t know why but you feel like everything’s going to change tonight.

And Eren can feel it too.

------

It isn’t until you’re already there that you realize his hand was on your thigh the entire car ride. His touch leaving a trail of hotness and when he finally parked, your eyes wouldn’t leave your thigh. Was it weird that you were already missing his touch against your skin?

You heard a few people greeting him as he caught up towards the house behind you, he nodded to a few and did a half wave to some others.

“Birthday boy Yeager, finally! Being late to your own party, really man?” Connie greeted him and your body froze.

Eren didn’t mention it was his birthday. Connie didn’t even mention it when he invited you. You frowned and moved closer before squeezing Eren’s side.

A slight yelp, “The fuck was that for?” He asked, looking down at you with furrowed brows.

“It’s your birthday and you didn’t tell me? You were selling me weed on your birthday, driving me to your birthday party and didn’t bother to mention it?”

“It…skipped my mind.” He muttered, scratching the back of his head.

“You didn’t tell your girl your birthday?” Connie snickered. “You didn’t want any birthday sex? Mannn—“

Eren lightly jabbed Connie’s arm, “You know we’re just friends.”

But really, who could tell? Whenever you both were together, you both always stood so close together, sometimes even with his hand on your waist. Deep long stares and only focusing on each other.

“Rightttttt.” Connie laughs and waves you and Eren down to the basement. “So while the party’s upstairs… our real party will be right here, just the gang you know…” He explained while you looked over the place.

A comfy basement with a long couch and two loveseats, a few white garden chairs. A bong on the table that sat in the middle and a few bottles of alcohol. “Sooo, where is everyone?” You raised your eyebrows, arms folded against your chest.

Connie thinks for a moment before raising a finger, pulling out his phone and calling someone. “Yeahhh, hello?” You and Eren shared a glance before looking back at Connie. “Fuck, you gotta be kidding me… no, no, it’s fine,” Connie does an awkward smile to you both. “Alright. Yeah. See you soon.” He sighs.

“Fuck, I gotta go. Sasha said she needs me to get her. Then Jean too and… yeah… basically I think all those fuckers need a ride.” He explains. “Please make yourselves comfortable down here or upstairs, whatever. I’ll just be right back.” He jogs up the stairs and closes the door.

You feel awkward just standing so you smooth out a place on the loveseat and sit down.

But of course you weren’t planning on Eren sitting next to you. Cramped up and all in your space, his legs spread wide with almost little room for your legs. You stare at him, “Seriously?”

He does a sly smile, “I can’t sit next to you? You gonna deny me all tonight huh?”

Remembering it was his birthday, you just let him. His arm over your shoulder and pulling you in. “Fine… fine.” You mutter, pulling out some of the weed you brought from him earlier.

“Hey…lemme roll that for you.” He doesn’t wait for you to answer, he just does it. The shiny piercing on his tongue showing itself as he licked up the paper.

You squeezed your thighs, just watching him. He pulled out a lighter from his pocket and with a few clicks, he lit your blunt and took one long drag from it, finally handing it to you.

“Thanks…” You brought it to your lips and his eyes burned into yours. You inhaled, smiling as you felt it come over you. You hummed to yourself, your hooded eyes watching him as he watched you.

“How you feelin’?” You heard him ask, your body humming and you leaned closer into his touch. Your head laying on his shoulder.

“Good.” You responded shortly. “Just really good.”

“I’m glad to hear that baby.” His voice sounded closer but you ignored it. You smoked the blunt again and when you went to exhale, he pressed his lips to yours, just a small peck.

Briefly, you would’ve missed it if your eyes weren’t open.

“Been wanting to do that all day.” He rubbed a hand down his face. “Sorry.”

“It’s okay…” You swallowed. “You can do it again.”

It was all he needed. His hands grabbed your face gently and he pressed a small peck on your lips. Then again. His hands touch the skin of your thigh when he goes in a bit deeper. No more little kisses, he’s fully kissing you on the lips. “Must be the weed, hm? You’d never let me kiss you…fuck,” He sounds pissed but mainly at himself.

“I took like two puffs, I’m barely…buzzed. I just… I mean why not?” You ask aloud, looking at him. Maybe you were just tired of pretending that you didn’t want him. That you didn’t want this. You were horny and maybe a quick fuck to get him out of your system would be good for the both of you.

“You like playing with my heart huh? You know how I feel and…” He trails off. “You know I like you—“

“You don’t like me, you just wanna fuck me like everyone else.” You had a hard time believing that he had feelings for you, that he wasn’t like any of the others before him. You wave him off but he grabs your wrist.

He clicks his teeth before laughing, “No, no, no…Baby. You’re special to me. Just want you all to myself, always.”

You snort, “Yeah right…” But your body felt so hot and like you’re wearing too many clothes.

“Come sit on my lap pretty girl. Let me show you something.” He pats his lap and grabs your waist, tightly.

“Show me what?” You were curious but you knew that you wouldn’t be able to come back to being just friends if you did what he asked.

“How much I like you.” He lifted you with ease and in an instant, you were on him. You could feel just how big and hard he was under you. You swallowed, wrapping your hands around his neck.

“Well? Show me.” You smile, hotness rolling off the both of you in waves. He smiles before he brings you in and kisses you.

Moaning when he pulls you closer, jerking his hips up to yours. His hands exploring your body and his tongue enters your mouth, swirling around. Slipping his tongue in and out your mouth, sucking on yours. His hands traveling down your back until he gripped your butt, spreading and massaging them in his large palms before sliding them up and down your back.

He kisses the sides of your neck and you take another drag of the blunt, feeling your lungs expand and the sensation of his mouth and hands making you shiver. He grabs your hips and rolls his more into yours, the fabric of his denim jeans hitting your clit.

Breathing heavily you inhale and with shaky hands you pull him forward. Kissing him with the smoke still in your lungs, his cock throbbing in his pants, he’s trying not to be greedy but he wants you. Tracing up and down your shirt, slipping his fingers underneath.

He feels a bit giggly afterwards. With a dopey big grin on his face, “You’re so pretty. Like an angel.” You’re smiling so hard that your cheeks hurt but your pussy is pulsing and you need him.

“Eren… thank you. But I just… need… I need you to…Please just touch me. Please.” His hands roam again. His cock half hard in his pants and his hands on your hips, he makes you roll them against his again. You gape and gasp a bit, feeling how hard he is against your damp dainty panties.

His hands are under your skirt and he massages the bit of your butt and thighs, spreading and patting you. He kisses you full on the lip and sucks more on your tongue before pulling back, “You’re just so pretty.” His forehead is on yours and his eyes are eating you up.

Your clit pulses and throbs the more he rolls your hips against his and the way he’s digging his fingers into the skin of your butt and thighs, you’re groaning and sighing, “This feels so…” you wrap an arm around his neck. “Good.” You whisper in his ear and feel him shiver, you press small kisses up and down his neck. “You’re so hard…” You lick him, small and to the point. “Eren…I—“

“Shhh,” He stops your hips, that were now moving on their own. “Just keep doing what feels natural… what feels right. We can talk about all of this later. But now? Let me make you feel good, yeah? Wouldn’t you like that?”

And it’s the way that he says it, honestly, that makes your heart speed up and your panties even more wet before he slips them to the side.

“Holy shit, already? This wet, baby? Damn…” His fingers sticky just from a quick slip inside, your mouth open and your legs shaking. “Knew you couldn’t resist me.” You hear the sweet sounds of him fingering you, the wet noises echoing in the dark room.

“Fuck,” He mutters, flexing his fingers and twisting them inside. You clamp down on him and he bits his lip before kissing you, trying to keep you both quiet.

You lifted his shirt a little, looking at his stomach as he breathes in and out, his stomach muscles flexing. You smile to yourself, helping him out of his shirt before you trail your hand up and down his muscular chest and stomach. A semi thick patch of hair from his stomach and disappears down into his pants catches your attention and with a deep gulp your fingers dance lightly on his stomach until they disappear into his pants.

His breath hitches, “Your hands are so…whew,” His eyes are closed when you touch him, stroking him. “So damn soft. Too damn soft.” His hips jerk up at the contact of your hand against him.

“Has anyone ever—?” He doesn’t say it but licks his lips and sucks at his teeth.

“No, never…” Boys were too interested in sex never foreplay or oral. Some never even looked at your pussy.

He huffed, “Idiots. Want you to sit on my face, okay?” He could feel you twitching and your body freeze up.

“You’re so weird you know that?” You squeeze at his tip and he whined a bit, taking your wrist and taking it out of his pants.

“Hey, been thinking about it forever.” He have, he liked being your friend but he always thought about what’s between your legs. He always felt so guilty for it, this ulterior motive of his.

With your skirt still on, you move to hover over him. He breathes you in and groans out a deep “Fuck.” His tongue soaked in spit but he grabs at your thighs and slurps at your swollen clit. The heavy scent of your aroma wafting around his face.

Your thighs shaking as you rock your hips against him, but he wants to take things slow. Your juices all over his mouth and even a bit on his nose. You hated how greedy you were being. His tongue flicking at your stick clit and sucking on your lips.

“Eren! Faster…faster, please.” The cold metal piercing brushed against your clit and had you seeing stars so clearly that you tugged at his dark hair.

He liked the way his name sounded rolling off your tongue, even the way your mouth looked when you said it. Your lips: a work of art and your voice a song. So to be the one who’s listening and the one giving you this pleasure? He couldn’t help but smile to himself. To revel in it.

He chuckles listening to the soft moans of your pleads and begging, “No need to beg, don’t you know you own me? I’m yours. I’ll do whatever you say.”

His voice made you clench and he pressed small kisses up your slit before stretching you apart, “Think I can see you getting all wet for me…” His tongue dives in and your toes curl as he licks around the insides of you. Sucking at your folds and diving inside of your wetness, he moved one of his hands from your thighs and rubbed with two fingers on your achy clit. You shuddered, biting your lips.

He smiles looking at your pussy, so wet and pretty before he dives back in. Really just wanting to be covered in your scent. He gives a few more sucks, your hips raising and thrashing against his face.

“Baby,” The breath of his deep chuckle hitting your pussy and you shiver. “I’m leaking in my pants. I need you. Badly.”

He took his time but he laid you out on the couch, looking at the amount of your arousal that ran down your legs. He watched your pussy twitch, using his fingers he spread you open, clenching around the cool empty air. “Fuck,” you already looked fucked out and he haven’t even been inside of you yet.

Sliding his thick cock between your wet folds he felt you tremble. Tapping the head against your clit, he felt you jolt and he slowly slid inside of you. Your walls sucking him in and squeezing him tightly.

He groans, almost collapsing on top of you and you dig your nails into his back, wrapping your legs around his waist.

“Wanted you for so long.” He kisses you quick and laced your fingers together, squeezing your hand. “It’s so wet inside of you, feels so fucking good.” Stretching and carving your insides to only fit his shape. Everything sounded underwater as he continued to pound inside of you. “You’re so perfect. So pretty. Fuck.” He angled his hips before thrusting faster inside of you. “So tight, so pretty, so mine.” He purred, licking up your throat and sucking; leaving a trail of hickies in his wake.

“Eren, oh god.” You breathe, worked up. He brings your legs from his waist and bring them closer to your head, forcing his cock even deeper inside of you.

“Think I’m in love withchu…” His thrusts are strong and now your feet dangling over your head, you couldn’t think straight. “But I think you already know that, hm? Think you love having me wrapped about your fingers.” Meeting every thrust he made, you felt a small bit of squirt splash and soak up his cock as he pulled it out before plunging back inside of you.

Your stomach is twisting and your toes curl heavenly as his dick continues, you push at his chest. “Wait! Eren…I…” You feel even more pressure in your gut and clench around him. “Please… no more.”

Your eyes are watery but Eren doesn’t care, instead he uses the pads of all his fingers and do deep aching rubs on your clit. Writing his name in your clit with your fingers, your thighs shake and then you’re finally cumming all over him and with a few more hard thrusts, he follows with a deep groan of your name.

He lays on top of you for a second to catch his breath before kissing you again. “I like you. Always have.” He huffed.

You bite back a smile. “I like you too…” You tell him shyly.

He gets up and hands you your pretty panties with a smug look. “So will you be my girlfriend?”

You chuckle, “Yeah. Yeah, I’ll be your girlfriend Eren.”

All Eren could think of was that this was his best birthday in a long while. He peppering kisses over your face.

“Alright… birthday boy, put some pants on.” You snicker, looking at his lower half, he was already getting back hard.

“Oh right.” He kissed you again.

[isadollie]

lollipop • toji fushiguro

★ fem! reader, fluff as always!, toji and reader live together, toji is broke ofc (like me) not proofread obviously

★ got this silly little idea like two days ago and today finally decided to write it. it was kind of my way to overcome a little writing block.

★ i am also very in need of jjk mooties, i'm reading the manga rn and i'll definitely write more for jjk :3

you hummed a soft tune as you stood in front of the stove preparing dinner. a small smile appeared on your face when you felt strong arms wrapping around your waist from behind.

"why didn't you tell me you got home? want to give me a heart attack or something?" you mumbled with faux annoyance, even though it was obvious you weren't mad at all.

toji spun you around, making you face him, his arms still wrapped securely around you. he nuzzled his face in the crook of your neck, taking in your scent with a small sigh. "it's been such a long day."

you started to gently stroke his black hair, knowing it always calms him down. the dinner was long forgotten, you'll remember about it as soon as you'll smell it burning later. for now the only thing that mattered was comforting this big guy, after another job that you didn't want to know a lot about anyway.

"i don't say it a lot..." he started, his voice quiet against your skin. "but i'm glad you're here."

you smiled sweetly, cause you knew those words from him meant a lot, especially since he's not really the most vocal about his feelings. before you got the chance to answer, toji pulled away from you, frantically searching for something in his pocket.

you tried to bite back a laugh when he pulled out the cheapest possible, lollipop ring you could get in a convenience store. 'how kind of you to bring me a little treat' you wanted to say, but you were quickly silenced, seeing him drop down to one knee.

despite your slight concern, you let out a little chuckle. "what are you doing?"

"i can't afford a proper one." he mumbled with a bit of shame, and that's when it hit you. he was proposing. with a little lollipop ring, shaped to resemble a colorful diamond. "...for now, at least." he added, sounding like he wanted to convince you.

as if you needed any convincing.

you bent down to hug him tightly, which he understood as a 'yes'. toji leaned his forehead onto your shoulder, smiling like an idiot but making sure you can't see it and tease him about it.

a small tear escaped your eyes, quickly replaced by a gentle laugh when you felt him slipping the ring on your finger. you hugged him even tighter, and toji took your hand in his, placing soft kisses along your palm.

he let out a soft hum as his lips settled on the ring. "mmm... strawberry flavor. i knew i chose the right one."

[djarins-cyare]

Front Covers for Fics and WIPs + Fic Titles Ask Game

(Yes, it’s two games for the price of one, folks!)

Thank you for the tags, @burntheedges and @nerdieforpedro; your covers are so gorgeous! In fact, every single cover that’s come across my dash so far has been so well thought out and perfect for the fics – I just love getting a visual peek into how authors envision their own work! And a huuuge thank you to the amazingly talented @saradika for making these cool templates to help us share our visions for our fics 💙

Work is so busy rn, but I really wanna write and play fun games like this, so I sacrificed sleep and made most of these at like 5am 😫

Published works…

I had already made a cover for Be-All. A massive thank you to @djarin-desires for allowing me to crop and use one of her super-sexy brooding Din pics for Never Look Down. There’s a disappointing lack of Din crotch shots in the actual show, so this was perfect for the subject matter. Check out the uncropped shot and more brooding Din here!

And my upcoming fics…

I should also credit Svetlana from KamuiCosplay, who is holding Din's Amban phase-pulse rifle on the cover of TSATT. See her YouTube tutorial on how to build your own.

Meanwhile, I was also tagged by @sixhours, @burntheedges and @ishabull in a ✨ Fic Titles Ask Game ✨ (thank you all!), and since there’s a certain amount of crossover, I’m combining these games into one post.

Send me an ask with the title of one of my fics and I’ll tell you why I chose it, the song/poem/quote it’s from, the line in the fic that inspired it, and (if it’s a WIP) maybe share a snip!

Published works…

🔷 Be-All And Endor [406.6k words - Din x f!reader - slow burn love n' smut]

🔷 Never Look Down [13.2k words - Din x OFC/f!reader - angsty fluff]

🔷 Din Djarin: The Contractor [1k words - Din x gn!reader - silly imagine]

🔷 The Long Goodbye [45 words - sentimental!Din - flash fic]

And my upcoming fics…

🔷 Hush [Din x OFC/f!reader - secret relationship spice - *COMING SOON*]

🔷 Held Is The Seed [Din x f!reader - smut city]

🔷 To See A Thousand Things [Din x f!reader - angsty smut]

🔷 Aruetiise [Din x gn!reader - a helmet reveal one-shot]

🔷 Final Sanctuary [Din x OFC - smutty one-shot]

🔷 Din Djarin In Jarringly Domestic Situations [Din x OFC - space romcom]

I’m super-late to both these games, and as I was trying to decide who to tag, I noticed the same people kept being tagged in the fic covers one over and over. So I spent some time this weekend going through my list of writer mutuals and checking to see who hadn’t already been tagged and/or hadn’t posted any Canva designs yet. I’m hoping this will help the book cover design one reach beyond just the Pedro fandom, too, and even if you’re not up for participating in that, maybe the fic titles one is more your style. No pressure either way, of course 😌💙

@againstacecilia @always-andromeda @alwaysmicado @amywritesthings @auntie-venom

@avastrasposts @bitchesuntitled @burningfieldof-clover @cas-readsandwrites @chiriwritesstuff

@chronically-ghosted @classaysstuff @corazondebeskar @covetyou @davnittbraes

@desert-fern @din-cognito @djarinmuse @drewharrisonwriter @fhatbhabiee

@for-a-longlongtime @fromthedeskoftheraven @hc-geralt-23 @idungoofed @joelalorian

@lahooozaherr @moeswriting @nervoushottee @novemberrain-writes @papurgaatika

@quicksilvermad @soft-persephone @stardusthuntress @strawberri-blonde @syd-djarin

@the-mandawhor1an @tightjeansjavi @wannab-urs @whxtedreams @wrathkitty

[trsrina]

zerobaseone maknae line reactions to when you indirectly kiss

gn reader, f2l? crush au? kinda idk, fluff wc: ~1.6k

!! mentions of food, not proofread

ricky

- you and ricky are close friends but there’s that underlying tension that wasn’t left unnoticed by everyone around you

- ricky is so obviously in love with and you are so obviously in love with him too, just both of you not daring to do anything about it

- one hot summer day, you and ricky went to get ice cream and although ‘young and rich’ insisted to pay for your ice cream, you convinced him to buy the two scoop ice cream and share it bc it was cheaper than placing two separate orders for one scoop of ice cream each

- ricky chose strawberry ofc and you chose your favourite flavour. your ice cream came in one single cup as expected and you were only given one spoon, when the worker handed it to you they said, “enjoy the ice cream! you’re such a cute couple,” and before you could even deny it, ricky said thank you for you, snatched the ice cream and dragged you away to a booth

- and you were like, “what was that for?” and then ricky just shrugs and says, “just because,” and you’re like ???

- “oh wait, they only gave us one spoon. i’ll go get another one,” then before you could get up, ricky ,who was sitting across you, gently grabbed your arm to stop you from getting up and you looked at him in confusion

- “we can just use the same spoon, right?” when he said that, your cheeks immediately lit up into a bright red, him only smirking slyly knowing his effect on you even though he himself had to build up a lot of courage just to say that

- ricky jokingly tried to feed you, “open up. here comes the airplane,” and you were literally staring at him like wth and hesitantly taking a bite and looking down in bashfulness

- but the moment it occurs to him that both of you used the same spoon, basically indirectly exchanging saliva (ew) and kissing, he started getting really shy and you could tell by his red ears. he would try to hide his gleaming smile by looking down and avoiding your eyes, and you having the enjoyment of seeing the usual sly and confident ricky being so blushy all because of you

gyuvin

- okay but gyuvin bringing you on a (friendly) boba date after school like him literally dragging you to the nearest boba place and enthusiastically skipping around as you walk there

- then gyuvin places his usual boba order, “100% sugar and less ice please,” someone stop this man before he gets diabetes, he seems like the type to order 100% sugar for his boba every single time and you’re like what is wrong with you

- when you get your bobas, gyuvin is already happily sipping away his sugary drink, you being curious as to how sweet it tastes and so you asked him, “can i have a sip? please?” trying your best to persuade him with your best puppy eyes as much as you were cringing, annoying gyuvin was your favourite pastime

- “no! it was very expensive and you already made me pay for yours too! drink your own,” gyuvin pouted as he turned his back against you, hiding his drink as you try to reach for it behind his broad shoulders

- while you were walking home together, the previous situation long forgotten, you took the opportunity to sneak a sip when he wasn’t looking. “oh my god! look! there’s a cute puppy!” you pointing at a random direction and the naive gyuvin turns his head around to look for the said ‘puppy’. you instantly took a sip of his boba and the moment he realised what you were doing, he turned his head to you with betrayal written all over his face and his jaw dropped at your actions

- that was until he realised that you basically indirectly kissed since your lips touched the same straw that touched his and then his jaw dropped even more, gasping loudly and putting his hand over his lips, almost dropping his drink if not for your fast reflexes, grabbing it before it hits the ground

- then you’re like “why are you so dramatic? come on! i just took like one tiny sip,” proceeds to take another sip while glancing at gyuvin innocently as he blushes furiously and butterflies burst in his stomach like y/n bro it’s not just about the boba dude it’s a lot more than that

- “i mean like whatever, drink it all you want, i don’t care,” like what’s with this switch up? a minute ago he was desperately hiding his drink from you and now he’s putting on this nonchalant act. you just shrug and hand him back his beloved drink, skipping away, leaving him starstruck behind and urging him to hurry up as he stands there, mind blank and heart eyes gazing at your figure

gunwook

- you were having lunch with gunwook on the rooftop together as always. just the two of you in your own little world and you both often shared your food but today, you were having a sandwich so you didn’t bring any utensils

- “that looks delicious! can i have a bite? you can have a bite of my sandwich in exchange,” and when you were reaching for his lunchbox, you realised you didn’t have any utensils, “oh, can i borrow your spoon? i don’t have one,” gunwook’s mind went blank for a second before he nodded enthusiastically, heartbeat increasing and becoming giddy with the thought of you using the same spoon he previously used, he thought it was very romantic (he has a huge crush on you but you’re oblivious to it)

- and then it processed in his brain. you using his spoon? the same spoon that went in his mouth? basically exchanging saliva? basically kissing? i don’t think this boy can handle it anymore, looks like he’s about to black out and he freaks out on the inside like he’s about to kick his legs giddily like a school girl in love but controlling himself and regaining his composure, pretending as if it was nothing

- “mhm! your mom’s such a good cook. this is really good,” you complimented with your cheeks full of food, savouring the food cooked with love as you grinned cutely at gunwook who’s trying so hard to calm down his fast-beating heart, trying not to squeal at the adorable sight of you

- and then you add fuel to the fire by asking him, “oh! do you want a bite of my sandwich? i already took a bite if you don’t mind?” you offered him your sandwich, your hands stretched out to hand him your sandwich and he hesitantly grabbed it from you, taking a small bite out of the half-eaten sandwich

- bro is about to get a heart attack he chews the sandwich happily and smiles at you with his puffed out cheeks stuffed with food, he looked like a cute little hamster in your eyes and so you ruffled his hair, further worsening his case and making his heart beat even faster

yujin

- you and yujin were playing football together and both of you sweaty and exhausted from the brutally strenuous exercise, collapsing on the grass as you laid beside each other, both of you turning your heads to the side to face other, smiles automatically appearing on both of your faces as you look into each others eyes, the prolonged eye contact making butterflies bloom in both of your stomachs

- and when the both of you sit up to reach for your water bottles, you realised it’s completely empty and seems like you’ve already chugged all your water supply. upon noticing this, yujin contemplates for a second if he should do what his gut is telling him to do. his brain’s telling him that he’s going to make things awkward but his heart is encouraging him to go for it.

- his eyes dart from your frustrated figure to his water bottle and so, he gathers the courage to stretch his arm towards you, offering you his somehow still half full water bottle, “here, you can drink mine if you don’t mind it,” his hand which was previously supporting himself on the grass automatically moved to behind his neck, slightly rubbing it and his head facing the ground, looking down and avoiding your eyes, not wanting to face cruel rejection

- “are you fine with it? i don’t want to drink all your water,” you tried to reject but yujin insisted, “seems like you need it more than i do. it’s alright. i just have better stamina than you do,” yujin tried to play it off cooly by joking with you and so, you drank the water graciously, gulping it down like it was an oasis in a desert and honestly, he doesn’t mind at all because you are much more important than his water

- but the thought of indirectly kissing through drinking from the same water bottle, your lips touching the mouth of the bottle which was also touched by yujin’s, crossed his mind, and his cheeks instantly flared into a vibrant shade of pink and to hide that, he pretended to wipe his sweat with the collar of his shirt, hiding his reddened cheeks under the shirt

- let’s just say yujin couldn’t sleep peacefully that night because every time he closed his eyes, the scene of you indirectly kissing him and your lips on the mouth of his water bottle appeared in his head, constantly raising his heart rate and he would never let you know that you made him kick his feet like a lovesick romantic

[amaranthdahlia]

hmm idk how id feel posting this here since its rlly self indulgent art (and i only would reserved that for twt lol) but why not . cringe is awesome so heres my kdch fankids bc i lobe making fankids😞

reference for them, i might change some things so its kinda tentative

oh and these two went thru evolutions btw haha

(im pretty sure i posted the first one here b4 so idk why im so insecure about this haha)

and yeah they were supposed to be a single child back then, but i changed it to twins after yoichi and afos canon backstory dropped. the second pic (which i drew after 406) there is a redo of the first one until i decided to redo the whole fankid (making them twins, giving them kinda pink hair? strawberry blond?, and giving the other kid white pupils just like. yk.)

and yes yoichi got the naming privileges and ofc that mf named his kid hero😭 but honoru could be kudou or both their ideas, and- ik i already mentioned it- but i chose that name since it sounded the closest to wanfooru (one for all💀💀💀) yall should be glad i didnt just stick with that name instead hahahsh

[kcalsforhim]

˖⋆࿐໋ monday 17th of december

⋆˙⟡

i forgot to weigh myself this day as well, but it really wasn’t that relevant… anyways. i woke up late again around 12:00-13:00 and i started my morning with my dad texting me… ill drop the texts below

i provided some translations.. well i went downstairs feeling very nervous… i decided i probably shouldn’t obsessively weigh my food or log it extensively so when i give the cal estimate it is a overestimation tbh…

when i was plating up my food he really made me nervous by being like “put more put more ! atleast 5-6” and “how much do you weigh ?” and when i said i didn’t know, he insisted i go to weigh myself. he then kept saying stuff like “you should’ve put more toppings” and “you used to be able to eat 5-6 of them” which makes sense cause i used to be in the bmi30’s and now im in the bmi17’s … it was just all very triggering. i still chose to eat downstairs to not arouse too much suspicion, although this did lead to me HAVING to finish my food… sigh

to preface, i fasted for 37 hours and 30 mins ! was pretty proud of this… usually i fast around 20-25 hours per meal nowadays but ofc since i skipped daytime eating the day before i got a pretty long fast in ^^

lunch omad :

3 pancakes, 2 with chocolate spread topping, one of those having a lotus cookie crumbled in, and 1 with strawberry jam —— some rice, idk how much, and 2 sausages. also a glass of water cause i did not want to drink any liquid cals . oh and cucumbers with greek yogurt

cals : 881

the cals were pretty terrible, but my dad is extremely pushy and he has a past of being emotionally abusive to a degree… he body shamed me DAILY when i was fat and now he’s seeing the consequences of his actions… my “eating disorder” was born from him and his words… i’ll be honest, if it was my choice, i would not have more than 2 pancakes, maybe even one, i would’ve kept fasting for longer, but i felt kind of backed into a corner

i was actually really afraid he’d make me eat more, but after i finished up i actually felt so full i could puke and my mom said i don’t need to force myself to eat if im genuinely not hungry which made me feel relief.

my dad said “he should eat atleast 2 more pancakes with dinner” something like this and i shook my head in silence, my mom said “nooo he can have them tommorow” and my dad said “tommorow is too late” almost as if to trigger my old binge eating habits

(i used to binge a lot because MY food in the fridge would always dissapear and just not be available for later consumption and i’d just get really scared and honestly greedy too…)

anyways i went back up feeling sick, i just didn’t do much of anything untill maybe 6-7 pm when i asked my mom to go to the store with me.. so we walk to the nearby store together cause i planned to get energy drinks for the next day (thank you past me)

i got 4 energy drinks for the next day, and my mom also got me more shampoo since i ran out of my one and had been using her in the times i would be showering.. she also got me 2 face cleansers since i use a specific one that doesn’t irritate my very sensitive thin ass eyelids i always slap lots of makeup and eyeliner and LASHGLUE ON (recently less guys im healing)… i also got a milkis drink and let her try it. sigh on the walk back home i felt dizzy and all but i honestly think its cause i smoke so much lol. i smoke on these walks with my mom

afterwards i got home and i called eli feeling tired. we talked a bit, then i drew for a little bit, not that long, then i started getting really hungry so i took sleeping pills at 9 pm.. i drew some more and by 10-11 pm i felt so tired i just put on my headphones and went to sleep… my scarred arm started swelling a bit today also and leaking ewwwwww but its fine its just healing. im so glad i’ve kept up my omad streak for quite a bit now im so so proud of myself tbh….

total cals : 881

total steps : n.v.t (35 min walk with mom !)

this song is very cool hehehe it reminds me of just… drawing and story writing and cool stories… just cool vibes.

⋆˙⟡

[the-kr8tor]

Hii i dont usually do requests but i love how u write hobie so ofc I has to ask something can you write something about how hobie and reader meet/ bond? but don’t make it fluffy.. i need something that will make my heart ache (need more hurt/comfort here..)

make it is as long as you want, gn!reader, honestly just go crazy. Do whatever you’d like, as long as it makes me sad. Hope this req isn’t too long or vague and thank you in advance!!

Hi hun! I chose the bonding one, I hope this is what you meant by bond, thank you for requesting ❤️

Pairing: Hobie Brown x Gn! Reader/ Spider-punk x Gn! Reader

Tags: no use of Y/N, no specific physical description of the reader, TW blood, canon typical violence, mention of injury, HURT/COMFORT.

ʕ⁠·⁠ᴥ⁠·⁠ʔ

Your hand dances through the warm water, the bubbles from the bubble bath you've poured inside the tub shines in the bright florescent light. The strawberry scented oil smells heavenly, relaxing your tired muscles.

You slip off your slippers, thumbs slip inside the edge of your sweatpants, you can't wait to get in. Before you could pull it down your legs, the bathroom door slams open, scaring you, jumping from the loud sound. You swerve around, eyes wide.

A familiar form stands in the doorway, shoulders tensed and straight, hands shaking as he grasps the doorknob.

You clutch your chest, "Hobie!" You watch him move towards you, "You scared me! Ever heard of knocking?" You smile, finally seeing him home and safe. Maybe you should ask him to bathe with you, like you always do. The warm water might help with his tensed muscles.

He's still wearing his mask, the whites of his eyes staring at nothing, he doesn't answer you, instead, Hobie slowly takes off his vest, the heavy material falls on your white tiles, staining it red.

"Shit, are you hurt?" Your smile disappears, concern lacing your voice. He keeps moving forward, ignoring your question, you grab his wrist gingerly, careful not to touch any injuries he may have. Hobie stops moving, still as a rock. The only indication that he's okay is his chest rising up and down. "Hobie?"

He ignores you again, Hobie lifts his feet, entering the tub, still in his suit. Your worries are cranked up to a hundred. Instead of chastising him for bathing in his suit, and using the bath you've prepared, you help him get in. Your hand on the small of his back, while the other stays on his wrist.

Hobie sits down, the water overflows with the added weight, splashing your legs. You ignore the water soaking the hem of your sweatpants, your full attention on Hobie.

You let go of him, whispering as to not startle him "I'm gonna go get the first aid kit, okay?" His eyes stay on the foot of the tub, watching the faucet drip.

You try to stand up, but Hobie stops you with a strong grip on your hand. "Stay" He finally looks at you, the eyes of his mask squint as the light hovers just above your head. "Please" his voice low.

"Okay, I'll stay" you sit on the edge of the tub, ignoring how your pants get soaked, you hold his hand, lacing your fingers with his. You place them on top of your thigh, caressing the back of his hand with your thumb "Can you tell me where you're hurt?" You duck to meet his downturned gaze.

"It's not my blood" Hobie clenches your hand tighter, his mind goes back to when it happened, he should've been faster, stronger, better. He feels sick, head pounding. Hobie watches as the crimson slowly mixes in with the clear water. The sweet smell betrays his senses. He closes his eyes, as you look at him with understanding. Your eyes glissen, heart shattering for him.

You place your free hand on his chest, rubbing small circles over it with your knuckles. The familiar movement brings him back to the present. Hobie looks at you, lips trying to dampen your quiet sobs.

"Can you tell me what happened?" You ask apprehensively.

"I don't want to burden you"

"You won't, we'll carry it together"

He tells you everything, from every grisly detail to the brutality of it. Hobie tells you how much he failed that civilian.

"You did everything you could, it's not your fault" you cup the side of his head, embracing him, his head on your chest. "It's not your fault" your voice muffled by his mask, tears slowly falling on his mask, leaving little marks.

He sniffs, his fingers bracelet around your wrists, ghosting over it like he doesn't deserve the love you're showing him, thinking of himself unworthy of it.

"I failed" Hobie murmurs "I'm sorry"

You shake your head, "it'll be okay, please don't be sorry" you kiss the top of his mask. "Everything will be okay, I'm right here with you" you rub his back.

He looks up at you, wiping your tear stained cheeks.

"Can I see you please?" You ask softly.

He nods, Hobie takes his mask off slowly, his face littered with small abrasions, a bruise forming on the side of his head, but other than that, he's okay. You remind yourself as you peck his forehead, leaving a much needed warmth.

You hug his shaking form tighter, his arms looping around your torso, as you let him relax in your hold, not caring how long it takes.

ʕ⁠·⁠ᴥ⁠·⁠ʔ

Thank you for reading! Please consider reblogging if you enjoyed it ❤️

[moonsoupstar-ao3]

Guard!KRS/Young Master OG!Cale

This is from a question I got on retrospring a year ago!

[ ok but thoughts on guard krs! and young master Cale? ]

Modern au version!

KRS looked for the job because he needed to pay for his studies and the paycheck was good

They hired him because he was the only one who wasn't intimidated by Cale + it was Cale who asked for him ("I don't want a loser who can't look me in the eye" = "this guy's indifferent look is hot")

They spend a lot of time together and Cale practically takes him as a pet at first but they slowly grow closer

KRS always looks with a murderous expression at those who speak shit of his young master + Cale confused as to why the rumors about his trashy attitude were diminishing since he has a new bodyguard

KRS has Sundays off but rarely uses them for anything other than hanging out with Cale or being at home (with Cale ofc)

At some point they become boyfriends but they don't put that title on their relationship until a long time later

Deruth will definitely be present at their future wedding, not knowing whether or not he regrets hiring KRS because he "stole" his son and Cale moved in with him at some point in their relationship

They adopted two cats and a lizard 👀

Cale is definitely simping over his boyfriend's body and vice versa

ㅤㅤ

TBOAH version!

Ok so a few aclarations, he reincarnated in TBOAH in other body, WS is here too, and there's no Hunters (can add if you wanna)

KRS is a scammer but he need a place to stay a little more permanently for a while since he had a child now (dilf!roksoo <3)

Cale chose him bc is hot and he's a horny boy

KRS chose this work for three reasons:

Is where the protagonist is going to appear

Is where the Indestructible Shield is

And Cale sounds pretty in the book (and definitely the book didn't lie)

When he shows up at work the next day with On and Hong, no one say nothing bc "is not my problem what the scary big guy with scars does"

Cale was a (represses) cat-boy but KRS KNOWS no one can resiste the tentation to do pat pat to a cat

The first time On hissed at Cale for touch Hong, KRS cover her tiny face and say "behave" with his dad voice and Cale was like "I don't know if I want be the other parent of those children or if I want him to touch me"

Spoiler: both 🐍

One day KRS go to wake up Cale and end having to kiss him bc Cale refuse to wake up without it and they just go with that

Time skip! They go on a "ancient power hunt" trip together and there's when they formalized their relationship

may or may not be that KRS teach their children to call Cale "ttal-gui* dad"

딸기 (ttal-gui) = Strawberry

They defeat WS, buy some rings and go on their honeymoon (one month only for them) a week later <3

When they come back they spend a lot of time with all their children (the cats and raon, the wolf children, mary, dodori, etc) and family!

They kiss a lot, all the time

[the-emeralds-incorrect]

modern au emeralds playing stardew valley (I’m playing sv i love this game I’m almost on year two of my new save that I made after 1.6 came out)

[creative liberties are maybe taken. I’ve never played multiplayer (btw if someone wants to play w me hit me up) so I don’t know what’s different. I’m relying on google searches]

They do the community center, obviously. Fuck Morris and Joja Corp.

Dorcas and Pandora were the first ones to find the game like, a year before 1.6. They have a few saves together, but mainly play on the hilltop farm on one that is in sixth year currently. It’s beautifully decorated, mainly by Dorcas. Dorcas first married Leah, and Pandora first Penny (for the decor, she chose strawberry but heavily debated the forest and moon one as well) and Hazel, before finally they got their shit together and confessing irl and immediately marrying each other.

Dorcas loves fishing and it’s always her first skill mastered fully. She always does that part of community center insanely fast. She also knows all the secret fishing spots that give you presents with decorations for the house.

Pandora’s favourite part is maxing out friendship with everyone, she likes doing tasks. She also loves collecting artifacts. She made the mistake of giving up their first prismatic shard to Gunther before they knew about the desert sword thingy. Dorcas likes both farming and animals, Pandora fucking loves the latter.

When 1.6 comes out and multiplayer up to eight people becomes awailable, they nag Evan, Barty, and Regulus to buy the game and start playing. They choose the meadowlands farm, ofc (“No, we’re not getting wilderness, Barty, Pandora wants chickens from day one!”).

Barty is actually the only one of the boys to have any knowledge how to play beforehand. He spent like a week straight watching YouTubers so he has a decent grasp on the basics of the game. He did not get to the Ginger Island part.

Regulus has the wiki open for the entire time. He also buys the book that shows you prices of things the first time bookseller comes (he saw the event on the calendar, checked what it means, and saved some gold up). He finds out on a solo save that he loves cooking, so they update the house as quickly as possible.

Evan’s very much winging it. He gives random gifts to NPCs and refuses to check wiki to see what they like, just relying on their reaction to see which ones he shouldn’t give them. He remembers Pandora rant about a few of them and makes a point of giving Louis, Pierre, and Clint gifts they hate. His sister finds that hilarious. He’s also the one doing the farming; he doesn’t focus on how much money it will give them, but what Regulus needs in the kitchen.

Evan is also insanely good at Journey of the Praire King. “What the fuck how did you beat it second try.” “What, like it’s hard?” (The only hard/annoying part were the hoards of ogres from stage 1, after he beat that, it was easy. He doesn’t even play these types of games often.)

Barty absolutely loves the Mines and Skull Cavern and is in charge of everything fighting-related. He makes sure they always have enough coal.

I don’t see any of them being interested in minmaxxing it. Weirdly enough, maybe Barty, on like one solo save, but it’s not a priority whatsoever. They’re just here to have fun

[kollector-of-stims]

I have managed to choose my top 50 favorite stim toys out of my collection!

First, the top 10:

1: Nee Doh Nice Cube. Just perfect all around!

2: Marshmello Fruitz grapes sugar ball. It fits in my hand really well because of its shape and honestly may be tied first place with the Nice Cube..

3: Squirkies turtle. The clicking buttons, joystick head, and switch tail just make it so satisfying to me for some reason-

4: Mini articulated fidget slug. The amazingness of the fidget slugs but smaller and easy to use in public!

5: Fidget worm/Morf fidet. Something about holding it and shaking it to make it rattle has just appealed to me a lot out of nowhere? Also fun to move around when listening to music!

6: Marshmello Fruitz strawberry sugar ball. Amazing texture from this one specifically and I also like fruit!

7: Marshmello Fruitz pineapple sugar ball. Pretty colors and sometimes the softer sugar balls are good in occassions!

8: Bubble tea squish. The sound...mainly the sound...That, and I always like water squishies!

9: Squirkies chameleon. Small, cool fidget options, love the silicone tail!

10: OddBallz click clack molecule ball. SOOUNND..And feel ofc but the sound is a GREAT addition!

My 40 other fave stim toys under the cut!

11-20:

11: Pastel Fidget Slug. My first one ever!

12: Rainbow Fidget Slug. Pretty colors!

13: Candy Drop Sugar Ball. Nice texture that's soft but not too soft!

14: Galaxy Infinity Cube.

15: Mini Train Pop It. Purple, train, and portable!

16: Jumbo Squishy Gummy Worm.

17: Watchitude Octoz Fidget Octopus.

18: Mad Lab Glob Ball.

19: Brain Splat Ball.

20: JA-RU Stretchy Sand-Filled Banana.

---

21-30:

21: Squishy Dumpling.

22: Galaxy Fidget Cube. My first fidget item with fidget in the name! Been treating me well for years~

23: Super Duper Sugar Squishers Axolotl.

24: Takumo Kawaii Squishy Kitty.

25: Small Blue Bear Sparkly Squishy.

26: Boink. Simple but effective in public and easy to hide in your sleeve if you want!

27: Squirkies Scorpion. After I replaced the wacky tracks tail it got a lot better and less squeaky!

28: Mini Pop It Single. Simple as that!

29: Rat Splat Ball. Little friend!

30: Foam Penguin Squishy. Came in a mystery pack and is actually super soft!

---

31-40:

31: Orbeez Filled Squishy Bat.

32: JA-RU Dragon Monkey Noodle. I like dragons!

33: Squirkies Butterfly.

34: Textured Skeleton Monkey Noodle. I like Halloween and skeletons! Also less things to get in the way while you run your hand along the textures!

35: Sand Filled Moon. Nice texture AND a little weighted!

36: Squirkies Monkey.

37: 5 Bearing Fidget Spinner. Fidget spinners always work for me!

38: Mini Fidget Cube. Good for the Dentist or other appointments or meetings!

39: Mini Tangle.

40: Small Suction Toy. Got it from a quarter machine and honestly? Very nice!

---

41-50:

41: Realistic Stretchy Banana.

42: Art Palette Clicking Button Fidget.

43: Mini Wacky Tracks.

44: Parrot Dimple. Chose the parrot for the animal and colors!

45: Simple Orbeez Squish. Classic, cheap, and effective for me!

46: Pop It. This one has great pops!

47: Textured side an ASMR Fidget Cube. I split it all into pieces and like this one the most!

48: Mini Slinky.

49: Cat in a Cup.

50: Foam Ball Squish. My legit first stim toy ever! It's been through a lot and has gathered a lot of sentimental value!

---

If you have any questions about any of these stim toys such as the brand or where I got them from, or if you have one of these too, I'd love to see and/or answer!!

[memphisnovels]

Evermore

Chapter 26. Giselle

Previous chapter

Masterlist

I hope you all enjoy this update, very sorry they have been so few and far between! I'm hoping to be back on track now and the updates should be more consistent <3

pairing: Pietro Maximoff x OFC

warnings: Canon typical violence, mentions of PTSD, Nadia knows how to hold a grudge, supportive + protective Pietro

I sat at the breakfast table, turning over a single piece of strawberry with my fork. Pietro was going on assignment in a week, the assignment that we were supposed to be going on together, the assignment that I was taken off of. He didn’t know that yet. I’d tried to tell him more than once, but the timing just never seemed right. He was struggling with the article he’d read in the newspaper and everything it had brought to the surface. I could see it in his eyes, there seemed to be a thin intangible cloud over him now, a shadow over his eyes that hadn't been there before.

The cold metal between my fingers had become warm from the grip I’d maintained around it. Everything felt like it was falling apart and these stupid fucking visions refused to let up. Steve reassigned the mission a week ago and I’d barely slept since I was beginning to think I was incapable of it now. Maybe I’d never sleep again. Most of my time was spent avoiding the others, I’d go to the training room late, when everyone had turned in for the night and I’d eat meals separately. It wasn’t a matter of anger, well not entirely, I just needed to be alone. Pietro had been having more nightmares than usual as well, they were usually about Sokovia but sometimes they were about Strucker’s experimentation. It made my stomach twist and churn, the thought of him being in pain but at least it gave me something else to focus on. When we were talking, or even when I was just listening, I only thought of him and what he felt; it was a nice break.

The sound of the chair across from me scrapping against the floor caught my attention. Dark facial hair filled my line of sight. “So, what now?” I chose to ignore his words. “You’re just never going to speak to me again? Instead, you’ll spend your days skulking around the compound mad at the world?” Anger simmered in me, but I simply looked down at the strawberry that I’d been poking at with my fork. “I’ll be honest, I’m a little disappointed. I know you can do better than the silent treatment.”

“It isn’t the silent treatment; I just have nothing to say to you.”

“Or anyone else it seems.”

I stabbed the strawberry. “Don’t you have a home to go to?”

He shrugged. “Yes actually, I’m going there now, just saying goodbye and all that.”

“Goodbye,” I spoke, not an ounce of warmth in the tone as I stood from my seat and dumped my now empty plate in the sink.

“You’re being very childish right now; it’s not making me regret my decision.” I clenched my hands at my side but before I had the chance to say anything voices filled my head.

“You’re a child.” The word seemed to drip with venom.

I clenched my fist tighter, forcing my feet to move beneath me and carry me from the room. My head felt like it was spinning as the voices continued, muffled, jumbled incoherent but maddening, nonetheless. Flashes of light blinded me; the door was thrown open hands grabbing me. There were gunshots all around me and I could feel the way my heart thumped against my chest. I shook my head, it’s not real. I had to cover my ears because they were so loud. Another pair of hands grabbed me then, shaking me roughly. The covers were being ripped off of me and the light from the door was still blinding me as a large figure loomed over me. I grabbed the side of his neck pulling him down and slamming my knee into his stomach, before elbowing him in the side of the head and falling to the ground to punch him but before I could move my arm was grabbed by someone else within seconds I was pulled from the man. I thrashed in the hold, but they pinned me quickly. It was then that the shouting cleared in my ears, finally coherent. It was a familiar voice, actually more than one. When I opened my eyes, I saw red hair and frantic eyes above me. Nat pinned me down, calling me again and again. My chest was rising and falling rapidly; body still tense. I saw Pietro at her side uninjured, with an immensely concerned expression on his face. When I looked to the side, I saw an unfamiliar man holding out a United States government clearance badge, his other hand covering his nose that was nose pouring blood all over his white button-up. My body loosened, fists unclenching. Jesus Christ, what was wrong with me? When she felt me go limp, Natasha let me go, pulling me to my feet as she stood.  

“Are you okay?” She asked, just as Pietro stepped forward to take my hand.

“What the hell is going on here?!” Steve spoke, emerging from the kitchen flanked by Sam and Tony. I swallowed heavily.

The bleeding man pointed accusingly at me. “She attacked me.”

“You shouldn’t have grabbed her like that!” Pietro immediately snapped stepping in between the agent and me.

“She’s psychotic.” Steve grabbed Pietro before he could launch forward at the man and that was when Tony intervened.

“Let’s all just take a beat here-”

“It was my fault.” I intervened, all eyes on me now. “I’m sorry,” I mumbled, glancing at the man who was dabbing at his nose with a handkerchief. He didn’t seem particularly forgiving. I pulled away from Natasha and walked quickly down the corridor.

Pietro was in front of me when I turned the corner, eyes furrowed with concern. “What’s going on, Nadia?”

When I swallowed it, it felt like there were shards of glass in my throat. “Please, I just need to be alone, Pietro.” He furrowed his eyebrows opening his mouth to continue. “I’m okay, or I will be… just let me be alone for a while. That’s what I need. That’s what I want.”

A long moment passed between us, it was evident that he didn’t want to leave me, that turning away was a war for him. “Will you please come and talk to me later?”

I nodded, turning and stopping for a beat, one step in front of him. His fingers grazed mine and I had to walk away, or I wasn’t sure I would.

The door to the study hit the wall when I threw it open, stopping only a few feet into the room.

“I want them gone. I want you to get rid of them.”

Wanda looked at me with slightly wide eyes, a little startled by my abrupt appearance. “Get rid of what?”

“Everything.”

She closed the book then and placed it aside. “Okay.” Her eyebrows were furrowed. I dropped into the chair across from her. “Could you maybe be a little more specific?”

“I don’t understand what I’m seeing but I feel like I’m losing my mind, I want whatever it is gone, if I have to forget it then let’s do that. Whatever it takes just get rid of it.”

It was late when I went to talk to Pietro, part of me expected him to already be asleep, perhaps I’d hoped he would be. I could hear Wanda’s voice echoing through my mind as I walked down the hallway.

“This won’t be easy. I’ve never really done something like this before, so it is going to take a while. I don’t know how to select the root of the things you’re seeing without filing through the rest of your mind.”

Uncertainty was evident in her gaze when I looked at her. “Whatever it takes,” I repeated the phrase to her, the same one I’d been saying to myself over and over.

Pietro wasn’t asleep when I entered the room, though he didn’t look far from it. The circles around his eyes were darker than normal and his eyelids were drooping. He livened up ever so slightly when I entered the room. “You look tired,” I stated plainly, wringing my fingers together.

He shrugged. “I am.” I remained planted in my spot as if he might forget I was there at all if I were still enough. “We still need to talk about what happened; you know I won’t let it go until you tell me what’s going on with you.”

“He just… He got me at a bad time, Tony and I were arguing and then that agent startled me. I shouldn’t have reacted like that but I’m fine.”

“He startled you?”

I nodded. “Yes.”

There was silence for a long while, Pietro’s eyes never leaving me as he assessed each freckle and twitch. “He startled you?”

“That is what I said, Pietro.”  There was no real bite to my tone, despite my words.

“Yes, I know but I think you’re full of shit.” I raised an eyebrow at him, and he ran a hand over his face. “When has anyone ever been able to sneak up on you before? You said it yourself the only reason I’ve ever had the element of surprise with you was because of my enhancement. Now you want me to believe that some idiot in a suit managed to take you by surprise?”

I shrugged at him this time.

“That’s all you have to say, really? He caught you at a bad time, that much is obvious and if it was because he touched you, I’d understand reacting but… but what happened was not you, Nadia.”

“Well, maybe you don’t know me as well as you think you do.”

He shook his head. “Don’t start this again. Not tonight, please.” His words were gentle, exhaustion heavy beneath them.

“Fine. You’re right, I’m sorry but I don’t want to talk about this now. I know that is not what you want to hear but that’s the truth. I’m tired and today has been a complete shitshow so I’d really like to just go to sleep and it’s pretty clear that you need the sleep just as much as me.” I crossed my arms over my chest and exhaled deeply. “So, you can either let it go for now and just accept that it was a bad day or stay up and keep festering on it all night, either way I’m going to bed. My bed.”

His jaw tightened and he looked away from me, out toward his window where pale moonlight filtered around the side of his half-open curtains. I was half out the door by the time he spoke again, it was quiet, resigned though there was an undertone of displeasure, perhaps even irritation in it. “Goodnight, Nadia.”

…

My heart was thudding in my ears when Wanda sat down before me. She’d asked me if I was sure no less than 10 times since I’d stepped foot in the study. I told her I was, but there was a small, niggling voice at the back of my mind that seemed to call out to me. Waving its hand frantically to get my attention. She rubbed her hands together for a moment before stopping and looking up at me. “Nadia, are you sure?”

I swallowed heavily, silencing the voice before responding. “It’s fine. Just do it.” Whatever it takes. I gripped the sides of the chair slightly as I felt her enter my mind. It was a strange itch of discomfort behind my temples and then things were pulled forward.

For a while there was nothing. Nothing but her concentrated face before me, red tendrils emanating from her hands that hovered either sit of my forehead, the strange beams dancing across my flesh. “Tell me what you see, and I’ll try to move through quickly until I find the right area.” Her eyes were glowing red, and it was not lost on me just how ludicrous it seemed to invite her into my mind after I’d spent so long guarding it from anyone who might try to take a peek. After I’d been so disturbed by her looking in last time. At some point I closed my eyes, the darkness a strange comfort to me.

In support group, I’d heard people talk about associating a certain smell with a memory, like the aroma of freshly baked bread reminding them of being back at their grandmother’s home in the winter months. I never really understood that until now.

It was petrichor like rain and the faint smell of smoke. A splash of someone’s boots in the sludge and I was no longer sitting before Wanda in the study.

The only word to describe Moscow in the bowels of winter was frigid. A flash of blonde hair caught my eye between the trees. Yelena. I pressed my back to a flaking trunk, boots sliding slightly against the frozen ground. A single deep breath and closed eyes allowed me to focus on each distinct sound around me, the crunch of snow beneath her footfalls alerted me to her location. I waited patiently until I was sure she was close before launching outward. With my legs wrapped around hers we tumbled to the ground, we tumbled and sparred until she managed to get on top of me, pressing my face into the bitter snow.

I clenched my hands into fists, shutting my eyes tightly.

“This isn’t it. This is real, a memory.” In a second, I was out of the snow.

Cold, spindly fingers ran across my shoulder blades. A measuring tape was wrapped around my waist tightly. Matron Katerina scribbled numbers on her sheet, a consistent look of discontent present across her features.

I shook my head and Wanda pulled me out.

The smell of cigarettes and the prod of a wooden cane against my spine. “Stand up straighter,” Saskia said. The sharp burn of the cane against my calves had me shaking my head again.

“It’s the Red Room, this isn’t it.”

“Okay,” Wanda spoke. “Do you want to keep going?”

“Yes, it’s fine.”

Freshly baked bread seared my flesh as I hobbled toward a train headed anywhere other than Russia. I felt death creeping upon me as I lay, barely conscious, in the train car the rise of the sun and rocking of the vessel over the tracks were the only things anchoring me to reality.

When I shook my head, I was suddenly in the apartment in Berlin with Anna, a cold sweat spattered across my forehead which she soothed with a bowl of cool water.

I stretched my arms as much as the restraints allowed. Anna had insisted upon taking them off, but I’d refused, not trusting myself when the red was still living at the precipice of my mind. Abeni was resting in another room after a particularly trying night.

I shook my head yet again. It went on like this for what felt like hours. I relived meeting Nick Fury, the Red Room, Abeni’s treatments, and my S.H.I.E.L.D. assignments. It was all my memories laid out before me and nothing of the visions that had been slowly deteriorating my sanity for weeks now.

My back slammed into the hospital wall as Steve bunched my shirt in his hands. “Tell me what happened to Fury?”

“I don’t fucking know.” I seethed.

“Oh really, because it doesn’t seem like much ever takes you by surprise, Pimenova.”

I glared at him, not flinching as he accused me of being a double agent. “Let. Go.”

I shook my head and then it was a metal hand clenching around my throat, slamming me through a flimsy wooden table.

My eyes were narrowed, confusion seeping through me as I realized he was not here to drag me back to the Red Room. “Who the fuck are you working for Barnes?” He seemed to falter when I spoke. Some peculiar flash of recognition tainted with confusion passed over his face, his hand loosening just slightly on my neck but it was enough for me to slam my foot into the center of his chest and slip away.

When I was pulled out of the memory the next one had me pausing, Pietro’s face above mine as he restrained me in the snow, that cheeky smirk present even before we knew each other.

“You are very pretty. Although, you’re quite mean and you seem to have some anger management problems… that might actually make you more attractive. It’s hard to say.”

I shook my head slowly, fingers tightening around the arm of the chair. “It’s too recent.” The way I spoke you’d think I was realizing it in real time. Wanda pulled me from the memories letting me just sit with her in the room for a second. I took a deep breath, swallowing down my hesitations. “If we’re going to do this you have to go back… All the way.”

She looked unsure but nodded nonetheless, slowly bringing her hands back up. My eyes darted between them, the red enveloping me until I let my eyes shut again. There was darkness and quiet and then… nothing. I waited and waited but it never changed. I opened my eyes to see Wanda’s own closed, eyebrows knitted together, exertion clear on her face. “What’s happening?” She shook her head, eyelids creasing as she closed them even tighter.

“I’m trying to go back but… I can’t.”

I asked her what she meant.

“It’s like your mind won’t let me pass, like there’s an invisible fence blocking me out. Nothing else was hard to access, they were all right there, even the older memories there wasn’t resistance.” She opened her eyes, dropping her hands to her lap for a moment. “Let’s try this a different way. Just try to focus on opening your mind to let me in, we can go through the steps together, you unlock the doors and I’ll come through. Does that make sense?”

“Not even slightly.”

She sighed heavily. “Just close your eyes and relax, we’ll figure it out as we go.” I followed her instructions, letting my back rest against the seat and trying my very best to let the tension slip from my muscles. The darkness was engulfing me, and I sat wondering how the hell to open my mind to her. I let out another deep breath, letting the grip I’d maintained on the arm rest loosen. The one thing I could remember from my stint of seeing psychiatrists, ordered by Fury when I was a new recruit, was to imagine my body was melting into whatever surface I was sitting on. It was supposed to help me soothe the rage I was filled with… or something. Dr. Stanley had said to let my arms go limp and then focus on letting my legs drop once my body was effectively melted stop focusing altogether and let yourself be completely untethered and uncontrolled for a moment. I tried it, letting my shoulders drop. Still, there was nothing and a twinge of frustration ran down my neck but then something changed. I heard something so faint and I distinct that it was hard to tell if it was a sound from the compound or if Wanda was getting somewhere. I chose to keep it to myself until I’d deciphered what it was. Then another sound erupted, like music maybe, but it was only a second and then it was gone. I heard Wanda tsk and mutter something in Sokovian. “I still can’t get through, it’s like I’m rebounding off of a wall each time. I don’t know where it’s pushing me, but it almost feels like it’s redirecting me, like a magnet pulling me in another direction.”

I shut my eyes tighter. “Keep trying… Please.”

She did. For a long while there was still nothing; until there wasn’t.

The stage, a tight leotard and tutu skirt, shoes that made my toes ache, and music, loud, booming, classical filling my ears. Swan Lake; Dreykov in the front row watching. I twirled and twirled until my feet went out beneath me and when I hit the hard floor I was in a different dress, white and flowy with cap sleeves and tulle. I smoothed a hand over my hair, realizing it was pinned back, flowers at the top. My heart was thumping against my sternum, the only thing I could feel. A cold sweat broke out on my forehead as I looked out toward the audience but there was only darkness and when I blinked it was as though the whole scene glitched, a scratching sound, and suddenly the picture shifted before coming back into focus. I moved slowly to my knees, standing up to move closer to the lip of the stage. But it was as though an invisible wall had appeared, fencing me in and keeping me in a square at the center of the stage. A loud sound echoed through the otherwise silent room, it was only then that I realized there had previously been no sound, not just a quiet room but as if the entire scene were on mute. Suddenly sound exploded around me, classical again but a different tune. This was not Swan Lake; I was supposed to dance Swan Lake, that was Dreykov’s favorite; that was the ballet I had to perform. The music continued, so loud it drowned out my racing pulse and thoughts. I squinted to see who was in the audience, but I could not make it out. My next blink had everything shifting again, the static sound, the glitchy vision, and then I was no longer on the stage but watching someone else twirl around and around. She died in the ballet and that’s when I realized what I was watching.

Giselle.

I was standing in the space between the first row of seats and the stage, watching intently as the dancer moved across the stage. It was like I couldn’t speak; I’d open my mouth and no words would come out. She stopped right before me, right at the edge of the stage and I reached out to her as far as my arm could go but before I managed to touch her a black-gloved hand snatched my wrist and pressed it against cold metal. When I looked up Giselle was gone and only a grey static-filled TV screen remained. It sat on a trolley that was shoved out of the way and replaced by a man in black-framed glasses. The man who had been haunting me. He narrowed his eyes, inspecting every inch of my face before standing back to his full height and fiddling with my hair. I was completely still, afraid to move, though I wasn’t entirely sure why. When he bent down again I saw his eyes, dark grey, or maybe they were brown, it seemed to change each time I looked at him. He opened his mouth but what came out was garbled, inaudible. When I didn’t respond he stood, disappearing from my line of sight, which was very little beyond what was directly in front of me. I attempted to turn my head but there was resistance.

When he returned things got a little fuzzy.

“Tell me your name.” Then the static was back. I didn’t hear myself respond. Giselle returned to the screen music filling my ears. As hard as it was, I fought to cling to the image, fought to stay in it.

“Tell me your name.”

“Nadia Morozova.” I heard it this time. Clear as day. The voice was small and barely even sounded like me, but I knew it was.

“And where were you born?”

“Russia.”

“Where were you born?” His voice was like ice, and it made me shrink into my chair.

“St. Petersburg.” I clarified.

“Where are your parents?”

The static came back then. I gritted my teeth as a deafening ringing began in my ears. Gripping the sides of the seat as it continued. I wasn’t entirely sure if the sound was happening in my mind or in real life. Giselle was twirling across the screen before me again. I was hypnotized by the liquid movement of her dress, curving to her every maneuver.

“That’s it!” It was Wanda’s voice then. “I’m getting through hold on to what you’re seeing, Nadia.” Her words sounded rough like she was in pain. I gripped onto the image with everything I had, fighting to stay there.

“Tell me your name.”

“Nadia Morozova.”

“Where were you born.”

“St. Petersburg.”

Giselle was spinning so fast it seemed almost impossible. The music was getting louder and louder to the point it seemed like it was going to blow my eardrums out.

“You’ll keep watching until you get all the answers right.”

I gripped my head, the music was becoming unbearable, and I was getting dizzy.

“Where are your parents.”

The leotard was too tight, I wanted it to be Giselle again, why did I have to dance?

“Subject 114…”

“My name is Nadia Morozova; I was born in St. Petersburg on the 7th of November, and I am an orphan.”

The man in the glasses injected something into my neck before grabbing ahold of my chin and inspecting my face, perhaps looking at my eyes. It made my head get fizzy and heavy.

“What is your name?”

“My name is Nadia Morozova.” I couldn’t breathe. “I never knew my parents.”

The man was gone, and I was staring up at the familiar black ceiling, the Red Room. I struggled against the body that lay beneath me, the girl’s arms cutting my air supply. I knew I was stuck, but I refused to tap, searching for a way out instead. My vision was greying, becoming cloudy.

The more time went by, the less there I was. Soon they were different arms, tight around me in a different way. Arms that had no intention of causing me harm, arms that were warm with comfort, that warded off the bad. My head rested against someone’s chest movement disorienting me. Rocking, I realized eventually, we were rocking side to side.

“Stars shining bright above you.” It was back again only this time it was different, quieter, a soft hum against my ear. “Night breezes seem to whisper, ‘I love you’” A kiss was pressed to my temple. I had to squint as the sunlight dappled brightly through leaves, warming my skin, whiteness all I could see. There was a breeze that traveled through the strands of my hair, and I could smell… Jasmine and sandalwood. A strand of blonde hair dusted over my cheek tickling my flesh. Not my hair, I realized as I looked back. Things became jilted then, unsteady and barely there.

“I’ve got it, you’re right there, I think I can get rid of it,” Wanda spoke up.

“What’s wrong, darling?” Soft, adoring, a voice I’d heard before. The American woman who sings to me in dreams. I was small in her arms, but I still couldn’t see her face.

“I’ve nearly got it… I’m going to pull it out at the root.”

“He’s just… intensely passionate about what he does, he always has been. He loves his work.” The warmth from her chest radiated onto me. A smooth hand moved up and down my forearm. “But he doesn’t love it more than you. How could he? You mean everything to him, you and-”

“Stop!” I shouted. Barely even registered what I was saying. The moment faltered. I stood so abruptly I was surprised the seat stayed upright.

Wanda looked startled, her eyes turning back to their normal shade. “What happened? Are you okay?”

I ran a shaky hand through my hair, swallowing heavily. “I’m fine, I-” It was as though I was out of breath and still struggling to bring air into my lungs. “I just don’t want to do this anymore. Sorry for making you work so hard.” I braced myself on the back of the chair.

“Don’t be sorry. You seemed pretty sure that you wanted me to get rid of it all, what changed your mind?”

Another voice entering the room startled me. “What the hell is going on?!” Pietro. I hadn’t even heard him come in. His eyes were wide with what appeared to be a mixture of disbelief and utter concern. He saw the red tendrils creeping around Wanda’s hands. “What exactly were you getting rid of?”

Wanda stepped forward. “I was just trying to help.”

“Help?! Really?” His chest heaved; eyes wild as he glanced between the two of us. “How exactly is wiping your mind helping?”

She narrowed her eyes at him, but I saw her wringing her hands.

“Just stop, Pietro! I’m the one who made this decision. It’s my responsibility. So, if you’re going to yell at someone, yell at me.”

“Oh, I’ll get to you.” He spoke pointedly before turning back to Wanda. “Right now I’m still waiting to hear what the hell you were thinking.”

I rolled my eyes heavily, glancing at Wanda who gave me a knowing look before slipping out of the room. Pietro watched her leave, exasperation evident across his features. “You need to take it down like 80 percent.”

“No! Not until you tell me why you would do something like this.”

“Because I’m losing my fucking mind, Pietro! Do you not get that? I can’t sleep or train or just have a day where I’m not overcome with these strange… things.” My eyes were stinging as I watched him, my heart still thumping against my chest, exhaustion making a home in my bones.

“What are you talking about? The nightmares?”

“It’s more than just that now.” I shook my head, laughing humorlessly. “Steve reassigned the mission because he doesn’t trust me to get it done. Honestly, I don’t trust me either right now.”

A tear steamed down my cheek and before I had time to process it Pietro had engulfed my face with his hands, standing before me now with eyes so soft they looked like they were melting.

“Why didn’t you tell me that?” He shook his head. “I-I didn’t know any of this, I just thought… you have nightmares, we both do I never thought that things had gotten so bad. I had suspicions that you were keeping something from me after what happened the other day, but I didn’t... Why didn’t you tell me?”

Another tear followed the first and I let it, allowing my clenched fists to loosen. Slowly I moved them to slide over his arms, his hands still holding my face, stoking my cheek tenderly. “I didn’t tell you…” I closed my eyes for a long moment, swallowing heavily. “I didn’t tell you because I was scared.”

“Scared of what.” His voice was soft, quiet; just for me.

“Scared because I don’t know what’s happening to me. Because I might really be going crazy, and I know you think I’m not but you’ve always been too nice to me.”

He shook his head again, forehead pressing to mine. “You deserve everything I am to you and more, Nadia. You are not going crazy, and even if you were I meant what I said to you.” Another tear. “Steve does trust you, of course he does, we all do. Especially me. It’s okay that you’re scared but we will figure it out together, you can’t just go doing things like this.” He gestured around the room and then smoothed his hand over my temples and hair. “Please just… I need you to just talk to me about these things you can’t put yourself in danger like this, I-I…” He was stumbling over his words, struggling to get them out and his eyes were glassy now. “I need you to be okay, Nadia. I can’t lose you too. I can’t do it.”

We were so close that our air was shared. I furrowed my eyebrows at him, unsure what he meant but when I saw the look in his eyes, the immense fear and the sadness that had, evidently, been with him since he was young, I brought my hands up to his cheeks, mirroring the way he held me.

“You’re not going to lose me. I’m not going anywhere. I just need my mind back.”

He nodded against my forehead. I let my eyes fall closed still resting in his embrace. There was near silence around us for a long while, the only sound our breaths. My mind whirred as I went over and over the things I’d seen. I was utterly terrified, struggling to speak it aloud, lest I breathe life into the thought. But then Pietro’s grasp was gentle and solid all at once, warm and safe and I exhaled again.

“I don’t think they’re just visions anymore.”

“What do you mean?”

“I remember the Red Room. I dream about it, I can see it in my mind. I remember it because I lived it.” My hands dropped from his cheeks and his fell from mine, moving down my arms to hold my hands. “The other things I don’t remember as clearly but they’re still there with my other memories.” The second the words left my mouth my heart was racing again, and I felt panic set into my chest. I took a deep breath and instead of shutting my eyes, I looked at Pietro.

He was seemingly taking in my words, nodding gently. “So, we’ll figure that out too.” His thumb rubbed back and forth across my cheekbone and somehow it lessened the twisting, white-hot feeling that had been setting into my stomach. There was silence again for a moment before he spoke up. “Does this mean we can sleep in the same bed again?”

I laughed gently. Wrapping my arms around him in a tight embrace, needing to feel his presence here, now, more than ever.

[myhyperfixationisbooks]

HIII my love!! congrats on 300 followers, I’m very happy for you!! 🫶🏼🫶🏼

could I get a strawberry jam? I’m in my romcom obsessed era I’m desperate to know 😣😣

thank you bae!!

ofc you can <33

꒰ 🍓 ꒱ — STRAWBERRY JAM : I’ll tell you what romance trope I think you would be based on your blog!

So I chose this trope because you remind me of Romeo and Juliet. I think you are…

Forbidden love

[chickensarentcheap]

Lost and Found -Chapter 13

Fandom: Extraction

Pairing: Tyler Rake and Esme Drummond (established OFC. Although you do not need to read the others to understand this one)

Warnings:  profanity

Tagging: @tragiclyhip @secretaryunpaid @youflickedtooharddamnit @munstysmind @thesirenrealm @asirensrage @residentdormouse @ninjasawakenedmystar @karimac @starryeyes2000 @timbradfordsboot @ocappreciationtag @occommunity @arrthurpendragon​

Link to Ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/43179357/chapters/120781585

​My tag list is OPEN. Just give me a shout if you’d like to added :)

******

“Which one is your favourite?” Millie inquires, as they sit side by side in a corner booth; tucked away from the breakfast rush that’s invaded The Continental’s dining area. “Pancakes, waffles, or French Toast?”

Tyler rifles through the plastic container of crayons open in front of him, selecting a blue and a red, then returning to the sheet of paper spread across the table. “Pancakes.”

“Me too! With lots of butter and syrup! But sometimes, I’ll put strawberry jam on them. Have you ever had that? It’s delish.”

“I haven’t. Guess it’s something I’ll have to try.”

“Maybe when we’re at your house, we can make pancakes together. Momma and I do that every Sunday morning. I get to stand on a chair and help. Mom ALWAYS lets me stir the batter. But the pancakes are never very good ‘cause she isn’t the best cook in the world and…”

“Hey!” Esme objects, and reaches across the table to playfully tug on one of her daughter’s pigtails. “I am sitting right here.”

“I’m sorry, mom. I love you. Bunches. But you can’t cook for shit.”

“I’ve somehow managed to keep you alive for four years, haven’t I? My food can’t be THAT bad.”

“I mean, it’s not horrible. But it’s not great either. I can STILL eat it. Just sometimes I have to pretend it tastes like something else. So I CAN get it down.”

“You’re a savage, you know that.”

“I woke up today and chose violence.”

“How about choosing NOT to throw me under the bus?”

“You always tell me that honesty is the best policy. And I was just being honest, so…” She sips at her chocolate milk and then addresses Tyler once more. “Momma is a really awesome baker though! She always makes my birthday cakes and sends cupcakes or cake pops to school with me so my class can have some goodies too! She bakes all kinds of awesome stuff. Brownies and cookies and pies. And these really yummy things made with mushed-up frosted flakes and chocolate and marshmallows. She even sells her stuff sometimes. At the market near our old place.”

“We used to live in Queens,” Esme explains, when Tyler looks to her for clarification. “We had an apartment there. A walk up in an old brownstone. There’s a little pop-up market every Saturday. I would spend the better part of a week baking and then Millie and I would go to the market on the weekend and make some money. We don’t do it as much anymore now that we live…LIVED…in Manhattan.”

“It was a lot of fun! I loved going to the market,” Millie says. “‘Cause when momma sold all her stuff, we’d walk around and she’d buy me all kinds of goodies that other people were selling. Treaties and stuff. This was this lady there that made dresses and hats and even dolls. She made me Posie for my third birthday. See…” Reaching, for the doll that rests between her and the wall, the four-year-old proudly places it on the tabletop. A Holly Hobby inspired creation; sandy blond hair made from yarn, a purple and pink paisley dress and matching hat, and pink vinyl shoes.. “...this is Posie. Momma had her made to look just like me.”

Tyler shows the doll his full attention; Millie anxiously awaiting his admiration and praise. “She’s beautiful. Just like you. Pink and purple are your favourite colours?”

“They’re my top two. But I like other colours, too. Blue and green and orange. And camo. I know that’s not a colour, but I really like it. Especially the one that makes you look like GI Joe.”

“You know who GI Joe is?”

“Yup. I have a whole box full of them! Momma got them at the secondhand place.” Her smile diminishes and her eyes darken; lips forming a pout. “But they didn’t get brought with us. When we had to leave the house. I wish we could go and get them. And some of my other stuff. Auntie Nik says we can’t; ‘cause the bad guys will find us there. But I really miss my stuff.”

“Maybe we can get Uncle Yaz to go and get some of your stuff,” Esme suggests. “He can take a couple of people with him to make sure he doesn’t get hurt. But we can’t bring EVERYTHING, baby. I wish we could.”

“And if we can’t bring it, we’ll get it for you,” Tyler adds. “When we get wherever we’re going. Maybe you can make a list? Of all the stuff you miss and you really want? Can you do that for me? Because I don’t know much about little girls and what they like.”

“I can do that. I like all kinds of stuff. Girl stuff, boy stuff. Momma says I can play with whatever toys I want and that it’s stupid that society puts labels on things like toys and clothes.”

“Your mum’s a very smart lady.”

“Momma always says that I’m the Millie I’m supposed to be. That the things I like and make me happy are part of me. Part of my personality. And no one should take those away from me.”

“No. They shouldn’t.”

“And she says to never let anyone dull my sparkle, right mom?”

“I don’t think anyone ever could, sweet pea. You’ve got way too much sparkle for anyone to take away. And if they tried and I caught them doing it…”

“You’d punch them in the face!”

“Well I might not resort to violence, but…”

“Alessio? That guy momma was gonna marry? He always complained about my sparkle. He didn’t call it THAT, but he always bitched and moaned about my clothes and how loud I am and how much I love to sing and dance. And you know what he did one day? He threw out my shoes! My favourite ones!”

“She’s been wearing those same Spiderman sandals since she was almost three,” Esme tells Tyler. “I always buy a couple pairs at a time; one a bit bigger for when she sizes up.”

“I LOVE these shoes!” Millie enthuses. “They’re comfy and they’re cute and they light up. Alessio didn’t like them. He said they were for boys! But momma told him it didn’t matter. That girls love superheroes too! And I can wear whatever I want! And you know what he did? The big, fat jerk! He waited until momma and I were asleep and he threw my shoes out! I couldn’t find them in the morning and I was really sad! I cried. A lot. They were my favourite. They fit just right.”

Esme reaches for one of the carafes in the middle of the table, pouring herself a second cup of tea. “And what happened next? When momma found out what Alessio did?”

“You went and bought me two new pairs. And told Alessio to never pull that kind of shit ever again!”

Tyler grins. Esme’s never been afraid to speak her mind; never threatened or intimidated no matter how big and bad her opponent is. He’d learned that the hard way; finding himself the target of her ire in Dhaka. When he’d had the nerve to ‘pull rank’ and ‘man-splain’. “Your mumma takes good care of you, huh?”

“ She doesn’t let anyone mess with me. And if they try? She gets really mad. And she doesn’t back down. She’s little, but I bet she could kick some serious ass!”

“Oh, I know she could. I’ve seen it. What she gets like when she’s angry. Or she’s trying to protect the people she loves. She’s a good mumma?”

“Best mumma ever! We do a lot of cool stuff together. We go for manis and pedis, we go to the library to look for books and play in the kids’ section. We go to museums and the movies. And you know what my favourite thing is? When we go to Central Park. We always take a picnic. And we sit by the fountain and go for a walk and go and feed the ducks. That’s the best part. I love the ducks. Do you have ducks in Australia?”

“We do. We even have some rare ones you can’t find anywhere else in the world.”

“Do you think maybe you could take me to see them? If we go to your house? I’d really like to see the ducks. And feed them. Do you think we could?”

“I think we could arrange something, yeah. And we can go to the zoo. Feed some joeys, see some koalas. Maybe hold one. I don’t think your mumma would mind. If we did stuff like that.”

“Can we, mumma? Please? Can we go to the zoo? I want to feed the joeys and hold a koala! Can we go there?”

“I definitely think we could do that.” Esme returns Tyler’s smile from across the table, and then briefly and inconspicuously lays her hand on top of his. Giving it a light, loving squeeze before she runs her nails along the length of his fingers.

She enjoys this quiet, unassuming closeness. An intimacy that’s pure and beautiful and reserved solely for each other. The glances exchanged, their feet touching under the table, their hands in close enough proximity to each other they often come in contact. It’s the honeymoon stage; that blissful, relaxed contentment that comes with getting to know someone and falling head over heels in love. But there’s an extra layer to their story; two people who had found acceptance and solace in one another during the most difficult and stressful of times and somehow survived the unimaginable. Dhaka had created a powerful bond between them; one that not even The High Table had managed to erase. Now they’ve started down a new path; friends and lovers who managed to find their way back to each other. And are now caught up in a whirlwind of rediscovery.

When the waitress departs after refilling drinks and taking orders, Millie and Tyler fall into a companionable silence; both concentrating on their ‘masterpieces’. It’s quite the juxtaposition compared to their surroundings and the original reason for his visit to New York; surrounded by men and women engrossed in the criminal world yet somehow managing to create this comfortable, happy space. This powerful and intimidating man with his scars and tattoos and his demons devoting his full attention to the little girl beside him; Millie occasionally glancing at him with a mixture of fascination and pure, unadulterated affection. A connection established since the moment they’d laid eyes on each other the day before; Tyler shocked and overwhelmed by the news that he was a father again and Millie awed and intrigued by the ‘giant’ that loomed over her. And she’s become incredibly attached to him in such a short period of time; putting all of her faith and trust into him and believing his promise to keep her and momma safe from the bad guys.

In return, he’s indulged every one of her whims since that initial hug only forty minutes ago. One of those enormous, strong hands swallowing her much tinier, fragile one when she reached for him; chattering away as she skipped happily alongside him as they headed for the elevator. Immediately obliging when she asked to be carried on his shoulders; giggling as she was lifted high into the air and then wrapping both arms around his neck and resting her chin on the top of his head. And he didn’t blink an eye when she abandoned her original seat at the booth in favour of climbing up next to him. Joining her in drawing and colouring and patiently answering all of her questions about Australia, allowing her to creep closer and closer to him until she eventually settled upon his thigh.

Millie is currently perched upon her knees with both arms wrapped around one of his biceps; quietly and intently watching the drawing that he works so diligently on. Those big hands with all their scars and calluses and misshapen knuckles and their ability to take a life creating something beautiful and ‘just for her’. It’s a side of him even Esme has never seen before; a loving and devoted father that willingly ignores societal norms in order to make his little one happy.

She had seen the potential inside of him during those five days in Dhaka; the seemingly fearless mercenary lowering his guard and showing her all his broken and aching parts. A grief-stricken and guilt laden man; willingly putting his own life on the line to save others not because of the money involved, but as repentance for the mistakes he’d made. There’d been a gentleness to him that she’d never experienced with another man. The way he’d cradle her face in his palms when he kissed her, that slow, adoring way his eyes would search every inch of her face. the tenderness in his fingertips when he’d smooth hair away from her cheeks and tuck loose strands behind her ears. There were layers to him that he’d never allowed another to explore; instead choosing to hide behind all of his rough and tattered edges and his strong, intimidating physique. But he’d granted her access to even the deepest and darkest of places; spilling secrets and regrets and allowing himself to be vulnerable. He hadn’t been a horrible husband or father by any stretch of the imagination. What he had been was damaged and traumatized; a lifetime of nightmarish circumstances that had made it impossible for him to deal with the reality of his son’s illness and impending death.

“Everyone deserves a second chance,” she had said, when he’d asked her why she was being so kind. So understanding. Why didn’t she see him as the monster that everyone painted him as? He killed people for a living, after all. He’d abandoned his child when he’d needed his father the most. How could she NOT look at him with pure and utter disgust?

*****

She watches him with that second chance now; nursing a cup of tea as she muses on how alike father and daughter truly are. The exact same colour and texture of hair, the long limbs and impossibly big hands and feet, those brilliant blue eyes that can grow so dark and stormy when frustration or anger settle in. And how, while dedicated to a task, those eyes narrow; intently focused with their lips slightly parted and their brows furrowed.

“You are soooo good!” Millie gushes, as she peers down at the paper. “I want to draw like that! I’m alright at it, but I’m not great or anything.”

“You’re only four. You have lots of time to get better at it.”

“You don’t look like the type that would be an artist.”

“No? What type do I look like?”

“The type that kicks serious, big time ass!”

“Well, I do THAT too. I do lots of things, actually. I have lots of different skills.” A grin tugging at the corners of his mouth, he shoots Esme a wink. “Just ask your mum.”

Eyes widening, Esme directs a kick to his shin.

“You know what I don’t understand?” Millie inquires, oblivious to the behaviour of the others at the table. “I don’t understand how you and momma met. How you became friends. If momma was living here and you were living in Australia, how’d you even meet?”

“Tyler and I were both working for Auntie Nik,” Esme explains, flashing the waitress an appreciative smile as she replaces empty carafes with full, fresh ones. “And she needed us to help her find someone.”

“Where’d you have to find them?”

“Somewhere far away. In a place called Bangladesh.”

“Where’s that?”

“Far, far away. On the other side of the world.”

“Was it a boy or girl?”

“A boy.” Tyler reaches for his coffee. “A teenager.”

“What was his name?”

“You ask a lot of questions.”

“You have to set the scene. I need to know details.”

“His name was Ovi.” Esme begins tidying the table; dropping crayons back into their carrying case; a retro metal Transformers lunch box Millie had spied in a second-hand store and just had to have.

“Why did he need to be found, momma? What happened to him?”

“Some bad people took him. And didn’t want to give him back unless they were paid a lot of money.”

“Why did the bad people take him?”

“Because his dad was a bad person, too. And they wanted to cause trouble with him.”

“But WHY? Just to be mean?”

“It’s a long story. And not one for little ears. They took Ovi because they wanted to hurt his dad. Who was just as bad of a person as they were. And when no one could find where Ovi was, Auntie Nik got called into things.”

“And she asked you and Tyler to help? Why you guys?”

“Because I find people. I go places and ask all kinds of questions and track them down. And then I give guys like Tyler that information and he goes and rescues them. Remember what I told you? About teamwork?”

‘Teamwork is dream work!”

“Exactly. And because these people were so bad, I needed to have someone keep an eye on me. So I wouldn’t get hurt.”

Completely invested and desperate for more information, Millie lifts up Tyler’s arm and slips under it. Climbing into his lap, she places a hand on his cheek and turns his face towards her. “You were momma’s bodyguard then too?”

“I was. And you know what? It was the hardest job I’ve ever had. Because your mum? She is stubborn as hell. She refused to listen to a word I said. I almost told her to find her own way home and left her there.”

“It wasn’t that I didn’t listen to you,” Esme argues. “I just thought you thought what you were saying was…how do I put this gently…stupid.”

“Excuse me?”

“That and I was in my ‘I won’t let any man tell me what to do’ stage,” she chides, and shoots him a playful wink. “You weren’t getting away with it. And it didn’t matter how hot you were.”

“Were? Past tense? WERE? First, you call me fat and now you’re saying I’m ugly?”

“Momma!” Millie gasps in horror. “You called Tyler fat?! That’s not nice. You’re not supposed to say things like that about people! I mean, I know he’s a little chubby, but…”

“Chubby?” He lightly pinches the four-year-old’s sides. “Whose side are you on anyway? Calling me chubby.”

“I’m on your side! I am! I really am! But…”

Millie squeals when he tickles her and then dissolves into hysterics; eyes closing and her entire body arching against him when his fingers dig lightly into her stomach. Her laughter travelling throughout the restaurant and drawing attention; a handful of disapproving frowns and whispers mixed in with amused eyes and broad smiles. The first child to ever need protection within The Continental’s walls, many of the staff and clientele remember her as an infant; watching that blue-eyed, chubby-cheeked little girl go from a newborn in her mother’s arms to a baby just weeks shy of her first birthday. When the dust had cleared and it was safe to finally leave, they’d moved to Queens; into a quaint and cozy two-bedroom apartment that Nik had furnished and paid the first year's rent on. After that, they’d had no reason to return to The Continental. Extra money earned doing intel work from home while Esme devoted everything she had to raising her daughter and making sure she was loved and provided for.

She’d spent years longing to be a mother, and Mark’s abuse and the eventual disintegration of her marriage had left her incredibly jaded and wary of ever trusting a man again. She had tried to convince herself that perhaps it was just the way things were meant to be; she wasn’t destined to have a child and instead would throw herself into her work and find contentment and fulfilment in the few friendships she managed to maintain. Yet there’d always been an emptiness and a longing she couldn’t quite explain; a need for a different life in a different place, surrounded by different people. And she’d been so close to breaking free. Setting a firm ‘six-month exit strategy’; giving it half a year before moving to Scotland and living with a long-lost cousin until she was able to get on her feet.

And then Nik had called, offering her the Dhaka job.

It had been too good to resist. A massive payday and an assurance from Nik that once it was over, she was officially ‘off the books’. There’d be no paper trail of her ever connected to Nik’s business; staying in touch as ‘friends only’ and perhaps offering the occasional consultation over the phone or through a video chat. She was looking forward to no longer being part of that world; using the money she was paid to travel the globe and create experiences and memories before settling down in Scotland. Perhaps once there she’d ‘find herself’; discover a new profession that would give her the same feeling of accomplishment. It had been illegal and dishonest work, but it HAD come with one major benefit; able to dole out karma and see those who deserved it meet their often bloody and brutal demise.

She never did get to travel.

Instead, her entire life changed the second she walked into the rundown shack in the middle of the Australian outback.

“I gotta chubby tummy too!” Millie announces, as she once more settles herself on Tyler’s lap and then pulls up the bottom of her t-shirt. “I also have an outtie! See!”

Grinning, Esme lifts her mug to her lips. “She’s very proud of her belly button. She had an umbilical hernia when she was a baby and had to have surgery for it. When she was still a wee little thing. That’s her souvenir from it.”

“All my friends are jealous! None of them have outties. I tell them that I’m special. Like a unicorn. ‘Cause I got something different.”

“You are,” Esme agrees, and reaches across the table to sweep Millie’s bangs from her forehead. “You are very, very, VERY special. More than you will ever know.”

She desperately wants to add: “And your daddy and I love you so very much” but manages to hold it back. It’s way too soon; only twenty-four hours since Tyler had discovered Millie’s existence and less than three days since the four-year-old��s entire world had been turned upside down. While full of smiles and giggles and hilarious chatter throughout the day, the trauma comes out to play at night. Plagued by uncharacteristic, aggressive meltdowns before bed and a newfound fear of the dark, reverting back to sucking her thumb as a form of comforting and self-soothing, and suffering from horrible nightmares that tear her from rest and cause her to vomit and wet the bed. She’s been through way too much for such a little thing; hearing and seeing things that not even adults should be subjected to. With no way of telling what another huge event would do to her, it’s best to keep Tyler’s true identity a secret for now. At least until the aftereffects of four nights ago begin to weaken.

It hurts to have to keep lying. For four years she’s kept Millie’s existence a secret out of pure selfishness and stupidity; afraid of rejection and unable to handle the mere thought…never mind the sight… of him being with anyone else. Choosing instead to remain hidden and off the grid; convincing herself that she’d only ruin his life if she was to suddenly resurface with a child in tow. Deep down she was aware of just how wrong she was; even hurt and angry, Tyler would never turn away his daughter. Even if they couldn’t get along, he would still want to be in Millie’s life. He’d want to be present and active and have a say and a helping hand in how she was raised. While Esme had told herself that staying silent was better for everyone involved, the truth was that it was only better for her. A way of protecting her heart.

She knows it stings. Whenever Millie calls him by his first name. She can see that little wince that captures his mouth and the pain that darkens his eyes. He’s already missed so much of her life and not being seen and known as ‘dad’ only adds insult to injury. But she also knows that no matter how pained he may be and how desperate he is for the truth to be known, he’d never do anything to hurt Millie or jeopardize her well-being.

Even if it means putting his on the back burner.

It’s a beautiful thing to witness. That big, strapping man already so attentive and adoring. Protective. All that faith she had and all that potential she saw five years ago now playing out before her eyes. The infinite amount of patience that he possesses; allowing Millie to ask a seemingly endless string of questions involving how he met her mother, what it’s like living in Australia, and if she’ll get eaten by a shark if they go to the beach. Always having the perfect answers for her; ones that light up her eyes and make her giggle and feel completely safe and content in his presence. Not blinking an eye when tiny fingers explore the calluses on his palms and his long busted up knuckles; staying away from any talk about the job and telling tales instead of sports injuries and incidents while rock climbing or hiking or surfing. And not appearing bothered when she inquires about his collection of scars; sparing her the more horrific details and only alluding to mishaps while with the military and while fighting ‘bad guys'.``

“Momma,” Millie leans across the table and lightly taps a hand against Esme’s cheek. “You’re doing it again.”

“Doing what, sweet pea?”

“Looking like you’re gonna cry. What’s wrong? Why tears? Why are you sad?”

“I’m not sad,” Esme promises, then leans forward and rests a hand on the back of the four-year-old’s head. Giving her a reassuring smile before pressing a kiss to her brow. “I’m happy. So very, very, VERY happy.”

****

They find Nik and Abuela waiting outside the suite door when they return; the latter anxiously pacing the thick, plush carpet. And it’s Nik that approaches them; her brow furrowed and lips set in a thin, stern line.

“We’ve got a problem.”

Tyler frowns. “I don’t like hearing that.”

“I don’t like saying it.”

“How big is this problem?”

“I’d say about six one, two hundred pounds. Alessio is here.”

“How the hell did he get in here? I thought this place was secure. I thought one of the rules was that no one could come and cause shit. Conduct business under their roof.”

“He says he’s not here to cause problems. Or do any business. He just wants to talk. With Esme.”

“Tell him to go away,” Millie pipes up from her perch upon Tyler’s shoulders. “Momma is off limits! Tell him that, Auntie Nik. Tell that asshole to f…”

“Amelia…” Esme gently scolds, then turns to Nik. “Talk about what? I think everything that happened last night spoke for itself. His family broke into my house and tried to kill me. And Millie. A little kid. If he thinks I have anything to say…”

“He’s a dickhead!” Millie declares. “Tell him momma has a new boyfriend. Who is really big and strong and will rip his head off and shove it up his…”

“Let me take her,” Abuela suggests, and moves towards Tyler. “We can go and hide in her room and watch a movie or we can make crafts. Maybe go downstairs for a swim. Or we can…”

“No!” The four-year-old protests, wrapping her legs tightly around Tyler’s neck and her arms around his head when the ‘nanny’ reaches for her. “I don’t want to go in there! I don’t want to see him!”

“He’s not going to leave,” Nik addresses Tyler and Esme. “He’s pretty adamant about that. And it’s not like we can force him. If we even put our hands on him, we’ll be leaving this place in body bags. And he knows that. He knows we can’t do a damn thing.”

Tyler sighs. “I mean, one bright spot is neither can he. He goes against the High Table rules and he knows he’s fucked. Not even his family and their connections can save him from them. But wanting to talk to Esme? About what?”

“About what went down the other night I guess. He feels that he’d owed an explanation. That he put eight months into the relationship and everything turned out to be a complete lie. He’s pissed. Hurt. I guess he has a lot to vent about.”

“Tell him to go to a fucking therapist. Esme doesn’t owe him a damn thing. His family tried to KILL HER. No amount of talking is going to change that.”

“What harm is there in hearing him out? If he won’t leave and we can’t make him leave…”

“I don’t wanna go in there,” Millie sobs. “I don’t want to see him. I don’t like him. He’s mean. Don’t make me go in there. Don’t…”

Gently prying her arms apart and untangling her legs from around his neck, Tyler reaches up and carefully lifts the little one off his shoulders. Briefly settling her on his hip before placing her on the ground, then kneeling in front of her and cradling her face in his palms.

“Don’t cry.” He uses his thumbs to clear away the tears that sparkle upon her cheeks. “There’s no reason to cry. Everything is fine. You’re okay.”

“I don’t like him.”

“I know. I know he was mean to your mum. I bet he was mean to you sometimes too, yeah?”

“He threw out my shoes.”

“And that’s bad enough, right? There were other times, too? When he was mean to you?”

Millie nods. “He didn’t like me. He said I was too loud. That I talk too much. And make too much noise. That little kids need to be seen and not heard. He wanted momma to send me to a special school. Where kids stay over instead of coming home. But momma told him to go and ‘get fucked’. She always told him where to go. When he said mean things to me. She doesn’t let anyone hurt me.”

“That’s because she’s an awesome mumma. But he can’t hurt you. Not here. Not with me and Auntie Nik and Abuela here. You’ve got a lot of people that love you. Who will do anything to keep you safe. You trust me?”

“I trust you.”

“I need you to do me a favour. I need you to go inside with Abuela. I want you to do everything she says, okay? You go in your room and you watch a movie or you make some crafts or find something else to keep you busy. Just for a little while.”

“Just for a bit?”

“Just until I finish talking with your mum and Auntie Nik. Then I’ll come and get you.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Maybe you can even do me up one of those bracelets. So I can add it to my collection. Maybe even make yourself and mumma some too. We can all match.”

“I’ll do yours in boy colours. So you don’t get teased. But you do promise, right? That you’ll come and get me?”

“As soon as I’m done out there. It won’t be long. I just need a chance to talk some things over.”

“What if he hurts momma?”

“No one is going to hurt your mum. I won’t let that happen. So can you do that for me? Go inside with Abuela? Just for a little bit. And then we’ll go and do something. Just the two of us. Is that alright? If we do something together? Are you okay with that?”

“Just us?”

“Just us. If you’re comfortable with just me. If you’d rather mumma tag along…”

“No. I’m okay with it. Just us. Maybe we can go swimming? They have a pool here. And it’s nice and warm. It’s not as fun as the beach, but…”

“You put your bathing suit on when you’re inside and I’ll take you down to the pool. Maybe we can go and get ice cream after. If my chubby tummy can handle it.”

She finally manages a smile, then sniffles noisily and wipes her nose on her sleeve. “Mint chocolate chip?”

“Of course. It’s our favourite. There’s no other kind. So you can do all of that for me? I know how strong you are. How brave. You get that from your mum. She is the strongest person I have EVER known. And you come from her, so…”

“Even stronger than you?”

“MUCH stronger than me. Go inside, okay?” Giving her a reassuring hug, he drops a kiss on the top of her head and then reaches for not only the doll and koala bear Esme holds, but the backpack slung over her shoulder. “Take your stuff with you. So you got your beads and what not if you want to make those bracelets.”

Helping Millie shrug into the backpack, he tucks the doll under one arm, the bear under the other, running a hand over the top of her head before Abuela lays a hand on Millie’s shoulder and gently leads her towards the door. Hesitating on the threshold, Millie glances over her shoulder at Tyler. Tears sparkling in her eyes, as her chin trembles and she tries to remain as stoic as possible.

“You promise, Tyler? You promise you’ll come and get me?”

He struggles with his own emotion; a potent cocktail of rage and heartache to know that someone has mistreated her. It’s only been twenty-four years but the love and the pride he feels towards her is all-consuming; this beautiful, healthy little girl that’s a mixture of himself and the love of his life. It’s surreal; the realization that he is indeed a father again. And while it isn’t the time to jump fully into that role, he can give Millie what she so desperately needs at the present; a sense of safety and security and someone she can trust to protect her. At all costs.

“I promise. I’ll be there in a little bit, okay?”

Nodding, she gives a wiggle of her fingertips in a departing wave and then allows Abuela to lead her into the suite.

****

They stand in silence; waiting to hear if anything goes wrong within the hotel room. And it’s Tyler that speaks first; attempting to push away the anger and animosity he feels towards his old friend and colleague. It’s hard to be civil in the face of Nik’s betrayal; the painful truth that she’d kept Esme’s whereabouts and Millie’s existence a secret. But he reminds himself that it isn’t the time for personal quarrels; Alessio’s appearance bringing the job back to the forefront.

“How’d he get in here Nik? You told me this place was safe. That no one could get to them here.”

“Winston let him.”

“Of fucking course he did.”

“But why would he do that?” Esme inquires. “He’s the one that gave us somewhere to hide out. Why would he just let Alessio walk in, never mind get THIS close?”

“I think it’s personal,” Nik replies. “I know there’s no love lost between him and Tyler and…”

Tyler scowls. “He told you?”

“Told her what?” Esme’s eyes narrow in confusion as she glances back and forth between the two. “What did Winston tell her? What’s going on? What…?”

“Winston and I had a little disagreement. “About…?”

“About what we think is best for you. And Millie. We weren’t exactly on the same page.”

“And what DO you guys think is best for us?”

“I told him that I thought bringing both of you to Australia, getting settled, and starting a life there would be in your best interests. He disagreed. Thought it was better that I brought you back here. To New York City. So he could keep an eye on you.”

“Keep an eye on me? I don’t need him…of all people…keeping an eye on me. Once I’m out of here I am NOT coming back. Ever. If I never see this place again, it’ll be too soon.”

“He seems to have it in his head that you can’t survive without him,” Nik explains. “That you’re better off here…under his roof…than anywhere else.”

“I hope you told him to go and get fucked. Because that’s the furthest thing from the truth. I’m grateful for everything he’s done, but this is the last place I want to be. Kept like some prisoner. That’s not much of a life. For either of us. But especially for Millie.”

“I think he has some weird-ass obsession with you,” Tyler adds. “That goes way beyond the father-daughter bullshit that he spews all the time.”

Nik smirks. “You THINK? It’s not obvious?”

“That is just…” Esme’s nose wrinkles in disgust. “....ewwww. I’ve never gotten that kind of vibe from him. He’s always respected my boundaries and never tried anything. I would have kicked him in the nuts if he did. Did he actually admit to all of this? That he’s got some creepy hopeful sugar daddy going on?”

“Not in so many words, but…”

Nik pipes up. “When he offers to double someone’s payout so they’ll bring you back here and walk out of your life, it’s safe to say there’s nothing normal about how he feels about you.”

“Wait…what? He did WHAT?”

Tyler glares at his old friend. “You did NOT need to tell her that.”

“I assumed she knew. That you already would have told her.”

“I didn’t tell her because I didn’t think she needed to know that part. What good does it do? She’s got enough going on. Add Winston and his bullshit to the list…”

“He offered you money?” Esme struggles to digest the information. “ To bring us back to The Continental and leave us here? Is that what went on? Is that why he showed up here? THAT’S what he wanted to talk to you about? He wanted to pay you off?”

Nik sighs, then addresses Tyler. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to cause issues. I thought she knew. That you would have told her.”

“What did you say to him?” Esme inquiries, as she moves closer to him; suddenly needing the comfort that his much stronger, heavier body can provide her with. He’s always been her protector; ready, willing, and able to do whatever he had to do in order to keep her safe.

“What do you think I said? I told him to take his money and shove it up his ass. There’s no ‘deal’ to be made. You and Millie? You two aren’t up for negotiation. And I let him know that. That I’m getting you two the fuck out of here and I’m not bringing you back. I don’t care how much money he throws at me.”

“This is just…” Esme pushes both hands through her hair. “...I honestly can’t believe he’d do that. I already told him; once we’re out of here, we aren’t coming back. We’re going on with our lives. I told him that we already talked about all of this. That Millie and I were going to make a life in Australia. With YOU. Whether it’s under the same roof or starting out in separate places. I made it very clear that it wasn’t up for debate.”

“He seems to think it is. He’s got it in his head that I’m some piece of shit that would abandon you and Millie. That I’m some enormous fuck up that’s going to ruin your lives.”

“That is the furthest thing from the truth. You’re none of those things. And I told him all of that. I told him that we were going to be a family. Or at least try being one. That we were going to work through our shit. Get past everything that’s happened. Have a good life together. Give Millie a mom AND a dad. I made it pretty clear that it was my life and my decision.”

“He obviously didn’t listen. Because he’s pretty convinced you’re better off here. That this is the only place you can have a good life.”

“He’s full of shit. And if he thinks I’d EVER think of him in THAT way…”

“I know I opened up a huge can of worms and you two have a lot to talk about,” Nik speaks up. “ But I think we need to refocus. Get back to what’s going on right now. Because whether we like it or not, Alessio IS here. He’s got no intention of leaving until he gets what he wants. And seeing as we can’t force him to leave and we can’t toss him out…”

“What choice do I really have? If he’s not going to leave…”

“I don’t want you alone with him,” Tyler says. “I don’t trust him. If he and Winston are that buddy-buddy, you can’t tell me that he wouldn’t be allowed to break High Table rules. That Winston wouldn’t look the other way.”

“I’ll stay,” Nik offers. “I’ll hang out in another room and keep my ears open. If I even hear things starting to go south…”

“He’s not going to hurt me,” Esme assures them. “Yeah, he’s an asshole in many ways, but putting his hands on women? That’s not his style.”

“His family tried to kill you,” Tyler reminds her. “And Millie. He’s got people just lying in wait outside. They will put a bullet in you the second you step out there.”

“Alessio isn’t like them. He’s nowhere near as committed to that life. And he’s not as loyal to the family as they think he is. He spent the last eight months spilling a lot of their secrets. He wasn’t shy about all the twisted and gory details.”

“Doesn’t mean he won’t go to bat for them now. You’ve disgraced his family. Made him look like a complete fool. These people don’t take betrayal lightly.”

“You heard what Nik said, Tyler. He’s not going to leave. And as much as I know you want to just beat the living shit out of him…”

“I can’t just leave you with him. And I already told Millie…”

“I’ll be fine. Nik will be close by. She’s not going to let him do anything. I know you don’t exactly trust her right now, but I DO. She’s kept us safe and sound all these years. She can do it for another half an hour.”

“I know you’re pretty pissed at me right now, Tyler…” Nik begins.

‘That’s an understatement.”

“...but we need to shelve the personal shit. We can deal with all of that later. I know you have a lot to say to me and believe me, I’m going to let you have a chance to say it. But NOT right now. We have much bigger fish to fry. Not to mention less than forty-eight hours to figure out how the hell we’re all getting out of this city in one piece. So we can focus on what we’re really here for? The job?”

Sighing heavily, he briefly closes as he pinches the bridge of his nose between thumb and forefinger. “I need to talk to Esme.”

“Tyler, I…”

“Nik, there is a lot going on here. And believe it or not, not all of it involves you. I need to talk to her. ALONE.”

She accepts defeat; holding her hands up in surrender and then heads for the door and disappears inside. Tyler waits. Giving Nik a chance to clear the foyer and head further into the suite before he turns to Esme; watching as she chews on her bottom lip and nervously wrings her hands together.

“What do you want to do?”

“There’s not many options. Alessio won’t leave unless he gets what he wants. And as much as I’d love to see you hand him in his ass…”

“Do you want to try and get out of here? Just grab Millie and leave?”

“You know we won’t get far. They’ve got a small army out there. You against all of them? I’ve always had faith in your skills and the things you’re able to do, but…”

“Even I’m not dumb enough to think I stand a chance against all that firepower. There’s gotta be a way though. Of getting you and Millie out of here. With no one else knowing. There has to be some way they get people around without being noticed.”

“I mean there’s an underground garage and there’s passageways, but Winston monitors those. There’s security EVERYWHERE. There’s no way we’d be able to even get to them without being seen. And if he’s messed up enough to offer you money to leave Millie and me behind, what’s stopping him from letting the enemy know what we’re up to?”

“He wants me out of the picture. He made that clear. Many times.”

“And he can make it happen. He’s got the power of The High Table backing him up. And we’ve already dealt with them once before. Look what they did five years ago. Tyler, these are powerful people. They make Alessio’s family look tame. And if we don’t play ball with them, the DiTomassos are going to be the least of our worries.”

Leaning back against the wall, he runs his hands over his weary, unshaven face. “I don’t like any of this.”

“Neither do I. And I’m starting to regret dragging you into this. There you were, just living a nice, quiet life and…”

“I was living a miserable life. Just like I have been for the last five years.”

“Which was my fault, too. Everything I touch, I totally fuck up. Your life, Millie’s life.”

“You haven’t fucked anything up. I mean, just look at her Esme. Look at how amazing your daughter…OUR daughter…is. She’s beautiful and she’s insanely smart and she loves the world and everyone in it. Her life is far from fucked up. Look at how much she loves you. And trusts you. You did that all on your own. Brought her up this far. And she’s incredible.”

“But I didn’t HAVE to do it alone. I had a choice. Once all the smoke cleared and we didn’t have to hide anymore. I could have made things so much easier on myself. And Millie. But I didn’t do it because I was a stupid, selfish little girl that couldn’t handle the thought of rejection. Or of seeing you with someone else.”

“That was what it was? The real reason? Why you didn’t get a hold of me?”

“I couldn’t handle it. The thought of you being with someone else, let alone SEEING it. And I realize how ridiculous that sounds now. You had every right to go on with your life; to meet someone else and fall in love and get married and have a family. But every time I thought about it, it made me sick to my stomach. I couldn’t have you and I didn’t want anyone else to either. How pathetic is that?”

“Wanna hear pathetic? Every time I think of you with that asshole in there, I want to put my fist through a wall. Or throw that fucker out a window.”

“I was so scared. I was worried that if I called you or just showed up on your doorstep, you’d turn us away. That you’d still be so angry that you wouldn’t want anything to do with Millie.”

“That never would have happened. Not in a million years. I wouldn’t have turned her away. Or you.”

“The logical and rational side of me knew I was wrong. That you’d never do something like that. But when does fear make you think logically or rationally?”

“I wanted you. I never stopped wanting you. And if you’d just shown up on my doorstep, I would not have turned you away. Not when I spent so long missing you and wanting you back.”

“And now I’m back and look what’s happened. Look at the mess I dragged you into! This is NOT what I wanted. All those times I thought about just bringing Millie to you and begging you for another chance? None of them included THIS. If I’d just left you alone…”

“Esme…” Offering her a hand, he pulls her into him when she accepts; their fingers entwined and their joined hands resting on the small of her back. Her body resting against his as she stands between his legs; hands settling on his hips as he cradles the back of her head in his palm and presses a kiss to her brow. “...I don’t regret taking this job. And I won’t regret it no matter how messy it gets.”

“You had a normal life. You were doing normal things. And I came along and screwed that all up. Just like I screwed everything up five years ago.”

“Stop saying that. It’s not true. And you know it’s not. We had a good thing. A REALLY good thing. And yeah, it went bad and it sucked and the last five years have been pure and utter shit.”

“Because of me.”

“You didn’t know The High Table was going to come for you. There was no way you could have known that. And you were right; with what you said the other night. I wouldn’t have survived that. Challenging them. No way.”

“I had to protect you. I HAD to. I never would have forgiven myself if something happened to you.”

“And I’m starting to understand that. I’m not quite there yet, but I’ll get there. It’s hard. Normally I’m the one who does the protecting. Kinda hard to accept when I’m on the other side of the fence.”

A smile tugs at the corners of her mouth. “You and your ego. And your whole knight in shining armour thing you’ve got going on.”

“I thought it was ‘knight in slightly tarnished armour’?”

“You remember that?”

“I remember everything when it comes to you.”

“Even how you used to always leave the toilet seat up and your dirty socks in front of the hamper instead of in it? And how you always used to put your cold feet against the back of my legs in bed?”

“I don’t seem to remember any of THOSE things.”

“Typical.” She gives a small laugh. “You had a selective memory then, too.”

Pressing their joined hands against the small of her back, he draws her even tighter against him and kisses her; long and soft and sweet. “I don’t regret taking this job. And I’m not going to regret it; no matter how ugly it might get. At the risk of sounding sappy and embarrassing myself, it brought us back together. And it brought me Millie. Which is the most amazing thing that could have ever happened.”

“I never meant to hurt you, Tyler. It was never intentional. It was all me. It was never you. I was just worried and scared and…”

He pecks her lips to silence her. “I know. So what do you want to do?” Releasing her hand from behind her back, he runs both palms across her shoulders and down her arms. “About right now? And this dick head fiance of yours?”

“Like Nik said; he’s not going to go away. It’s better if I just suck it up and talk to him. See what he has to say.”

“I’m sure he’s pretty pissed. Being led on for eight months. You’ll be okay? Being alone with him?”

“He won’t hurt me. He knows better. He knows I’ll fucking drop him.”

Tyler grins. “That’s my girl.”

“I’ll be fine. Nik will be close by. I trust her. With my life. With Millie’s life, even. And I know you’ve got a raging hate-on for her right now, but maybe you could shove that aside? Until we’re at least out of New York?”

“I can do that.”

“If you don’t trust Nik, trust me. I know what I’m doing. I know what Alessio is like. He’s not a threat. He’s an asshole, but definitely not a threat.”

“Good. Because I really don’t want to be throwing anyone out the window. Not today, anyway.”

Smiling, she stands on her tiptoes and presses a kiss to the tip of his chin. “You’d do that for me?”

“Are you kidding me?” Gentle fingertips explore the bruises and cuts on her face, then loop pieces of hair behind her ears. “ I’d set the world on fire for you.”

[toastydoll]

Stella Monroe Headcanons!

I love Stella sm and finally got her original w2 doll so here are a bunch of hcs of our fave posh cutie:

Stella LOVES drag performance. When she realizes that femininity isn’t just a performance but one she can win? That’s everything for her. She is the gaudiest loudest most over-the-top drag queen on the scene.

Her runway looks are diverse flavors of British posh. At one point she goes full Elizabeth I in white face paint, bow lips, a black drawn beauty mark, thin pencil eyebrows, and tight curls, all with a massive queenly dress. At another point she goes for a tea length gown and giant fascinator topped with flowers and fake birds. She’s always magenta and too expensive.

She loves the spice girls (posh spice is her favorite obvvvvv) but she also loves Kate bush and Chappell roan. Chappell is one of her biggest inspirations for gaudy femininity.

She’s transgender of course!! She chose her own first AND last name: stella because she’s going to be a star, Monroe for Marilyn (her idol)

Speaking of Marilyn Monroe: stella has gone as Marilyn Monroe in the diamonds are a girls best friend outfit for Halloween every year since she was a kid. It’s her favorite scene in any movie, and spawned both her love of diamonds and her love of pink. She keeps a framed Marilyn Monroe on her wall.

Stella LOVES DIAMONDS. Her parents get her diamonds for every holiday, including a new full set of earrings/necklace/bracelet for each birthday. Her favorite diamonds are white and (ofc) pink. The biggest diamond in her collection is the size of her fist and comes from a wealthy suitor she rejected.

She owns a bichon frise that she dyes hot pink with Pinkly’s pet-safe dye. Tbh it would probably be named Marilyn, but I want it to be named breakfast /ref

She’s a sugar fiend. Her family teases her lovingly about the amount of sugar she puts in her tea, since usually there’s more sugar than tea in the cup. After she’s finished drinking there’s usually a little sugar sludge at the bottom that she eats with a spoon or spread on scones.

Her favorite food is petit fours. Raspberry and strawberry are her go to, but she also loves lemon and vanilla.

She acts boy crazy, but she’s not the kind to settle down. She loves to flirt and have a string of boys on a tether but she’ll never actually do anything with them. Definitely on the aro spectrum but not romance repulsed.

Her allowance is stupid big. Tbh it’s more like she just has an unlimited credit card bc she couldn’t max it out if she tried (and boy does she try). She LOVES pampering her friends and doesn’t understand why they might not be comfortable with the amount of money she spends on them.

Stella’s dorm room is fully padded plush velvet. The floor has a giant thick magenta rug covering the majority, though the rug is mostly covered in discarded clothes shoes and bags. Her bed is canopied and four posted with heavy light blocking magenta curtains all around it. Yes, she had a chandelier installed.

She has taken twelve years of piano lessons (starting at 3). She is terrible at piano.

She has taken ten years of voice lessons (starting at 5). She is terrible at singing.

Weirdly enough though she’s really good at the harpsichord.

[fayythe]

Divine Love: Chapter One

Henry Cavil X OFC Summary:

Rhylan Daines property of the United States Government, the training she took on, the beating, and pain was all manipulating her to loose her body autonomy, they tell her to eat a certain way, talk, walk, act. Nothing is hers, how can she escape the torture her life has become? Now an semi-active black ops Navy Seal working for the CIA struggled to make peace with her past.  She was always told that every life she took, every person she tortured, and every soul she crushed was for the greater good, but how is more violence supposed to help the world?  How can acting help her stop being forced to kill? How can finding love help her find herself? Only time will tell...

Tigger Warnings:

Slight Alcoholism, Assault, Kidnapping, Blood, Skin Branding, Heavy Depression, Drugs, Undiagnosed eating disorder, Forced Eugenics, Talk of Genocide, talk of war, talk of gore, Hospitalizations for medical reasons, Mental Health issues, Hitman/murder unrecognized by law, Profanity, Military Brutality, torture, terrorism, violence, scars, seizures.

Rhylan's Tattoos

Rhylan's Body Scars Diagram

“I have always believed, and I still believe, that whatever good or bad fortune may come our way we can always give it meaning and transform it into something of value.”

― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

Chapter 1: Судьба

Судьба… Russian... meaning – Fate

December 11th, 2015

   My dreams were always clouded with dark light, nightmares from my past. Sometimes colors and the good parts like handing out candy to refugee children, or others like being beaten by the KGB. I still remember their questions.

 But somehow, I always end up waking up with my body in the fetal position, covered in sweat head to toe and a knife so tightly in my hand my knuckles are white, only this time someone was banging on the door.

“Rhylan! Open this door! We have to get ready; you better not be sleeping!” Nelia, my assistant, and the closest thing I have to a friend. I sat up from my cramped position, still feeling the stray pieces of my strawberry-blonde hair stuck to the back of my neck. “I’m coming!” I yelled, and the banging stops. I sit up, throwing my legs over the side of the bed, clicking the pocketknife closed, and placing it on the end table.  To be completely honest, I was purposefully taking my time to get to the door. I was dreading the following event to take place.

Something about me, even while I was younger, I tend to gravitate to the quietest and loneliest of places. I rather observe and watch from afar. But—I was promised free food and I can’t cook so this works out for me.

Once I finally made it to the door to see Nelia, she was already made up so beautifully. Her dark skin was glittering with her favorite shimmer lotion, and she smelled of her signature gardenia and cinnamon, her hair tight in its updo was always my favorite part about her, while my red-ish blonde hair was straight, her auburn brown hair was curly. It had natural volume. Maybe I should get a perm? I thought to myself. Then the image of me in middle school popped into my head and I physically cringed. No, thank you. Not again.

“What’s wrong?”

I didn’t realize I hadn’t invited her inside yet, nor did I realize she was carrying two large plastic bag-looking things

“Don’t worry, come in. It’s good to see you. Uhm—you can set your stuff on the table.”

I stepped away from the fetal funnel giving her room to walk into my hotel suite and set her belongings on the large round table in front of an array of windows.

“Oh, don’t you worry this stuff isn’t for me, this is what you’re going to wear at the award shows tonight”

I groaned. The sound was intended to be inside my head but apparently, I spoke it.

“Oh, don’t you start, you chose the walk of life as your next career path. No complaining. Now go take a shower, you look like you just got sprayed by a sprinkler.”

She reached into her back pocket “Also put these on instead of a bra”

She handed me flesh-looking stickers, two of them. I looked at her with my eyebrow raised, “They’re pasties” she shrugged. “Just do it” 

“Fine, do I wear underwear?” I questioned…maybe I should’ve thought a bit harder about the answer to that question.

“I mean if you’re into going commando at public events, I’m all for it.” She winked.

“Asshole” I muttered, walking towards the bedroom for the large shower.

“You love me!” I heard her yell back.

She was right, I did love her in a sisterly type of way. She is one of the only people alive who knows who I am to my core, sometimes I can’t tell if that’s for the best. Am I corrupting her innocence being around her? Am I that dark plague I fought hard not to be? I couldn’t tell you.

   But Nelia has always been there for me, she knows the pain I went through in the military and the battles I have with myself though she’s never asked me any questions. She’s resilient, and that’s what I’ve always admired so highly of her, especially for being so young.

  I found myself standing in front of the large mirror in the stupid huge bathroom, missing my dog, and my own home. I started to take off my shirt, watching my fit body tense to the cold. Scars are one of the reminders of who I am. So many. So many stories. And ironically, I almost remember all of them, every story for every scar.

The shower went by in a blur, the hot water on the hottest setting the heat piercing through my skin. I missed the feeling of pain.

When walking out of the bathroom, I froze in the corridor. A short man with broad shoulders was by the table Nelia was originally. I pulled the two halves of my white hotel robe together. I contemplated sneaking away and grabbing my gun from the other room, but I took a deep breath and tried my best to tell myself that not everyone wants to hurt me.

Nelia walked out of the closed-off kitchen of the suite “Rhylan! It’s so good to see you finally join us, this is Lorenzo, the hair stylist and makeup artist I was telling you about” She winked.

I was confused at first, Lorenzo?

---I hadn’t heard of a Lorenzo.

Had I?

I deiced to just go with it, taking a few steps forward and giving this real-ist smile I could manage, I could tell by how Nelia rolled her eyes she could tell the smile I so tightly pulled across my face was fake, she knew me too well.

“Right, Lorenzo! I’ve heard so much about you” I stop about four feet away from him. His face is soloist but soft, he was examining me observing my flaws though I didn’t really care, I do it to myself so often, I’m so numb to the feeling.

What was strange was the second he was done observing me, he ran up and grabbed my face giving two kisses on both my cheeks, in my short time in France the term there for this… appalling greeting… was called la bise, and to this day I still hated my personal space being completely devalued. Though, being undercover was different, I was there for a task and tasked to be a different person. I couldn’t be the Rhylan with personal space issues or haphephobia: the fear of touch.

I immediately tensed completely, and it took everything in my body not to put this poor man into a headlock, so I looked at Neila in the corner of my eye for some time of escape. Luckily, she came to my rescue.

“Lorenzo is here to do your hair and makeup for the shoot, I would, but you’re a pain in my ass. You’re likely to be nicer to someone that you first met.” Nelia pulls Lorenzo back away from me, not before giving her a raise of his dark brow.

Does this dude speak—?

I was caught off from my thought when he finally spoke with his rough Italian and—and what was that a hint of a French accent? Okay maybe my la bise reference earlier actually made sense, I thought to myself silently chuckling.

“Ok’ let us get this done, come, sit, sit my dear,” Lorenzo spoke gesturing me to the dining chair draped with a towel, I nodded and sat in the uncomfortable chair with metal framing and a leather cushion. The 2000’s called they want their chair back. I swear I had this exact one in my bedroom…

“Let me look at you,” he says gesturing to my face, I give him a slight nod of the head. What I didn’t expect was his hands to be all over my face, what the fuck, does this guy see with his hands…wait, what was that smell, garlic bread? Gross. I internally gag.

I pulled back abruptly confusion and anger were on my face as I could see the change in expression in his eyes, fear, was that it? “I kid, I kid” he laughed he was quick to pull my hair up back into a large bun. He kid? Man, this guy had some serious balls.

"Neila will you please pour me a large glass of Jewel, I don’t think I can get through this without it” I spoke, hearing her rummage through something out of the corner of my ear. “Nope. Drinks will be served at the award shows, but it also would be bad for you to show up drunk to the red carpet before.” I laughed, really laughed. “We both know one drink won’t hurt me, please” I tried my best to make my best pleading voice I could manage. “Rhylan, you’ve known me long enough to know I don’t budge, I also won’t be the one to let you feed into your unhealthy habit” I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, “Come on! You know the only drinks that will be served is Korbel, or Jack Daniels”

“Tuff. Maybe you’ll be lucky you never know” She gives me the smallest smirk and I want to punch her in the shoulder so hard. Oh, so hard.

“Okay I’m ready for the beautifying processes” Lorenzo speaks up, somehow, I didn’t observe him laying out each chalk palette and cream sticks in a perfect horizontal row along with a questionable long black…sex toy? No, there’s a red light on it. I cringed, what the fuck is that... I need to do some research.

“Please turn on Dr. House maybe that will tie me over,” I asked sighing, Neila smiled and nodded.

I related to Dr. House a lot. He hates people, I hate people. He doesn’t believe in anything of religion, I was just beaten so much by Russians that no matter how many times I pleaded for God to help me, he never came, and I had to help myself.

And in this situation, all my books were at home, in my office I missed so dearly.

“What look are we looking for today, eh? We could do something natural, maybe give you a red lip to bring out those beautiful teeth” Lorzeno suggested looking over at Neila for approval, “That will be perfect!”

I rolled my eyes, of course, it would be… damn this is going to be a long day…

---

Once Lorzeno finally finished my makeup and hair, I was excused, I needed a nap already.

“Can I see it?” I asked gesturing to the mirror, Neila stopped me immediately “No! You must be finished. So, it’s time to get dressed.” She turned to Lorzeno abruptly who was already almost finished backing up all his messy belongings and his black questionable sex toy, which I now know it to be a hair curler. “Time for you to leave Lorzeno, thank you for all your hard work, your payment will be deposited into your bank account in the morning.”

“Aye, this work I’ve done, my mama would be so proud.” Lorenzo becomes teary-eyed and walks out of the hotel room. I physically cringe, what a wimp it’s just makeup it’s not like he gave me plastic surgery.

---Though, maybe I should into that. I ponder the thought.

“Okay he’s gone, now strip” She gestures to my robe.

I smirk, “if you wanted to see me naked, all you had to do was ask,” I gave a dry chuckle and dropped the robe. 

Being trained in the military for Bootcamp, a normally male-dominated career, and then being trained as a navy seal which never has any female get pasted the entrance test has me generally emotionless to feeling embarrassed.

I’ve had to take donkey-sized shits in the middle of the woods would an audience of five men, I’ve had to sit in front of a fire butt ass naked because I was stupid and decided to jump in a freezing lake as this fucker, we were following for twelve fucking days caught us and dumped his cell phone.

 Take a big breath Rhylan, and don’t overwhelm yourself.

I’m sorry, I have strong feelings if you’re offended get over it. Sorry, not sorry.

Coming back to reality I observed my situation all over again.

I was a good four inches taller than Neila, while she was just thin and lean with natural curves, I was muscular and toned, and the scars and tattoos I had taken part in distracted people from what my feelings and thoughts were, it was a mask. A successful one at that, nobody ever bothered me willingly.

She cringed, “Whatever, you’re gross.”

She handed me a pair of black dress pants, and I sept into them. A perfect fit, maybe that expensive ass dress stylus was worth the money. The pants were more like skinny jeans, the idea was to make them a bit more formed and fitting to let my muscular curves show through. Me being me, I don’t understand whom that would help but I just take Nelia’s word for it.

Next was the blazer, this is the part I was most nervous about. The blazer had no undershirt and just a single button connecting the two halves together, showing my cleavage and the huge ass scar on my chest.

I pull the blazer on connecting the button together, “What if they ask, you know about the scar, how I got it”

Neila smiled sort of endearingly, “Tell them the truth, it’s good press.” She chuckles.

But is it really? Would people think of me differently if they knew my past? I mean the public knew I was in the military, but they didn’t know what branch or what I did in the military, the CIA… whom I killed, whom I kidnapped… whom I tortured… who tortured me.

I really couldn’t decide whether the public needed to know or if they should know. I just knew for completely sure; I didn’t want to be treated differently. I didn’t want pity; I didn’t need it. I spent the entire first twelve years of my life trying to prove to people that I am as strong, powerful, and courageous as my country needed me.

And heck, I was the first solo female Navy Seal and former CIA Agent. Look at me now bitches, I didn’t need you, I didn’t need your opinions then and I don’t need your opinions now.

I nod at Neila finally coming content with my thoughts and she hands me a pair of long black Nike socks, and the most gorgeous, black-heeled combat boots I had ever seen, I raised my eyebrows “Okay, I got to admit those are kind of kick-ass” I grabbed them out of her hands shoving my feet through the socks, and boots and standing up.

“I knew you’d like them. Okay, one last thing. Jewelry” Neila gestures for me to turn around and I do as I lift my hair up, she puts on multiple silver chains the longer ones first, and then decrease in length finally stopping at a black choker.

Then she physically turns to be back around practically shoving diamond studs in my ear lobes, then fixing my light strawberry blonde curls while standing on her tip tones.

“Okay, It’s perfect! You can see now” She gestures to the mirror.

I walk over towards the shiny plastered glass embedded into the wall not truly expecting what I would see but when I did end up in front of it. I didn’t see myself. My hair, which hair normally long and stick straight and split in the middle, now was curled and split on the side. The bright red lipstick did exactly what it was meant to do, make my horse teeth stand out, goal achieved.

I now knew why Neila didn’t want me to see myself when the makeup was finished; because she knew I would object.

Which is fair, I do have a high opinion of everything, yet strangely I won’t take anyone else’s opinion. This is probably why I still don’t have social media even though my management encourages it strikingly so, I don’t care. I have my reasons; they’ll just have to respect them. I know what’s best for the course and the safety of my life.

 But who cares now, the torture of this grueling makeover experience was finally over, and I couldn’t wait to go home, I truly missed not having to check for bed bugs every time I slept in a bed that wasn’t my own which felt like a lot now.

Nelia handed me a black clutch, with a quick look inside I was able to spot my cellphone, my ID, exactly four hundred dollars in cash, and the red lipstick that smothered my lips.

I sighed, what did I get myself into? –

The limousine that Neila had rented to take me to and from the award shows was expensive, who could’ve known a bougie bus could’ve been so much to rent?

I chose the seats in the fairest back of the tacky bus I could manage; I was dreading this experience I still question how I ended up in this position in the first place.

That’s another story for another time.

I was bouncing my knee, my anxiety prevalent. I needed some alcohol, something to take the edge off.

"There’s got to be something to drink in here” I mumbled.

The amount of money Neila spent on renting this stupid invention, it better be bulletproof, and diamond encrusted. 

I lift the center console and see a mini fridge with fully stocked vodka and whiskey bottles, score.

I grab one, a decent vodka though it smelled like rubbing alcohol as I took the cap off, I gave the biggest drink I could manage.

Neila looked over at me from her phone, “what are you doing!” her voice was raised, and I shrugged, “I’m a grown woman, I deserve a drink” I screwed the cap back on, and she rolled her eyes and continued scrolling through her phone.

“You act like a teenager” She spoke.

To be fair it’s true, I was broken, depressed had a slight alcohol problem. Most teenagers were just like me nowadays.

I didn’t say anything, and I wasn’t going to object to the truth, but I also wasn’t going to feed into an argument. Jeez, we act like sisters.

“Here, this is your speech in case you win an award and the address to the nearest fast food. I won’t be here with you when the awards are over, I must be up early in the morning.”  She handed me two pieces of paper, I briefly looked them over and was content with what I saw I stuffed it into my blazer pocket.

Once we got passed all the traffic and finally made it in front of the red carpet, I got ready.

“Remember, just own it, be yourself, pose, smile some, and answer questions,” Neila said, trying to reassure me.

I didn’t help. “This is your mission, you’re a famous actor, you are kind, funny, and easy-going”

That did a little bit, “This is my mission” I repeated.

“You got this girl” she spoke, giving me a pat on my thigh.

My door was opened by some type of

"It's good to see you Ms. Daines." He spoke offering me a hand; which I didn't take.

"It's Rhylan, but thank you." I said back. Maybe that was a bit too sly, should I apologize? I shook my head, I didn't realize how much I hated being around people until now.

In person the red carpet was a stronger red than I expected, the tacky ropes holding the screaming people waving flashing cameras were taller than those on television. I was truly not prepared to what was ahead of me.

I gave off my fakest smile and sent a wave with the hand that was wrapped so tightly around the head of my bottle of shitty vodka. That only made the crowd go scream more and the flashing of cameras burn my retinas, that wasn't a smart idea.

"Just follow the carpet, people will direct you" The big broody fake security guard said.

I nodded walking down the carpet with the plastic smile still across my face, lets hope I can get through this soon. I'm starving.

I stopped at this guy with long curly hair standing by a red-letter x on the floor, he was nicely dresses in a simple suit, he offered me a smile which I somewhat returned.

"Rhylan Daines, is it? My name is Cole, this is a slow-motion camera. Would you like to take a cool slow-motion video?"

I looked off to the large camera on a crane looking arm. I'll definitely pass. "Yes, Nice to meet you Cole. I—Uh, I'll pass not really my thing" I said, nodding.

"Are you sure? It will only take a few seconds." His voice was very encouraging.

"Yeah, I'm sure. I'm a bit too new to this, maybe next time. It was nice to meet you, Cole"

I offered him my hand, which he took and gave another smile.

"Okay, just continue the way down the carpet." He gestured.

I started walking down the carpet, the flashing going off ten folds. I was holding my clutch in one hand and the other was still cemented on the rim of my vodka, which I now considered my comfort bottle, even though how badly it tasted to my normal choice of Jewel.

The people screaming my name, the flashing -- It made my eyes water and my ears ring, I wanted to escape this strange hell or heaven, they always used to say heaven would be welcomed by a bright white light.

I go up to a lady holding a microphone out nearly getting trampled by the incoming crowd pushing against the ropes. She offered me a smile, telling me her name, which I honestly couldn't hear nor did I really care.

I held up a finger, in one of those pause gestures causing her to stop talking.

I looked above to the crowed and pushing my voice from my diaphragm, I spoke in the voice the military gifted me. "Listen up, If anyone wants me to answer their questions, start by this: Quit leaning on the ropes, turn your flash off; it makes my eyes hurt, and stop shouting. I can assure you everyone twenty miles away can hear you, while y'all are at it, give this girl some space, come on guys don't be rude."

The crowd became quiet, while cameras were still up and the sound of clicking was continuing, the bright flash blinding my eyes ceased and the crowd backed up a bit leaving the short lady some space to stand up straight. She offered me a smile, which I pretended to not see.

"Thank you"

"Don't worry about it, I understand being on the bottom of the totem pole" I spoke.

I wasn't lying for once either. The military especially the navy was so male dominated when I joined, nobody took me seriously. It surprised everyone when I applied to go to SEAL training and got accepted, they thought it was a joke, a girl? Special ops? Please.

Boy did I prove them wrong, though nobody expected me to get through it. The first few women before who were brave enough to try, never got past the first few days. Therefore, making me the very first female navy seal.

But let me tell you, it still pissed me off they wouldn't let me on a submarine, no females allowed? Are you joking? Not to mention, few months after they ship me and my shit to the CIA the headlines stated, 'United States Navy now allows women on submarines'.

THE AUDACIY.

"So am I able to ask you a few questions?" I nodded, "Go for it"

I somehow new they were going to be personal, but it feels like every time I end up around a fan or paparazzi, they are always inclined to ask about my life outside of acting.

While I could understand the curiosity, I was good at keeping my life a secret I did it for so long and for so many years. It was annoying they wouldn't ask about my work, how I was able to overcome things, how I ended up being so successful so fast. Seeing this was my first appearance on film and main character? That's generally never heard of.

"It's strange, there's been a few other appearances for the cast of Mad Max; Fury Road. What made you not go to those and make an appearance here?" She pointed the microphone at me,

I actually laughed, "I was told there was going to be free food here, I can't cook worth of shit"

"Damn it—fuck, My bad, I'm sorry. I was told not to curse" I cover my mouth, she just laughed "Don't worry about it"

"Uhm—Your backstory is a little bit scrambled; nobody can figure out who you are. What did you do before making your big debut into the world of acting?"

Scrambled? Who said that? Damn, I want some eggs now.

Okay Rhylan, stop thinking about food. Answer her question.

Right her question, what was her question?

"Oh, I was in the military" I said, not the full truth, not a full lie either though.

Her eyes widened a bit and as she looked down to look at her clip board her eyes caught the scar on my chest, damn. This was going so smoothly, now more questions, I internally groaned.

"Really? What branch?"

I thought about it, should I really answer it. I shook my head; I'll deal with the repercussions later. I rather be honest now.

"Navy"

She smiled, "That's really cool, actually my da—"

I felt someone kiss my cheek, I turned my head and see Tom smiling, "It's good to see you again, twinkle toes." He spoke in his rough British accent, I smiled, a true Rhylan smile.

"You know I hate that nickname—" I playfully punched his shoulder.

"Tough."

I smiled and rolled my eyes, Tom and I stepped back to pose in front of the wall with random logo's sponsoring the award shows.

Soon more of the cast of Mad Max, Fury Road, showed up. Of course, Nick, being Nick decided to try to give me a hug and that was the worst pain I had ever experience.

Once we were sitting a table in the huge auditorium, which was lucky towards the back, I finally felt my self-relax a little bit.

I took a long-awaited swig of my vodka, "So, how have you been? Any new projects yet?" Tom asked trying to make small talk,

"Yeah, I've gotten a quite a few offers. I haven't really made any decisions yet."

A waiter with fancy a fancy black vest and white undershirt, put a large plate of salad in front of me, my lips curled in disgust. I hate salad, or rabbit food as I called it.

"No thank you" I gave the plate back to him which he took and ran off. Probably to gossip, I don't blame him. I would too.

"What were the offers?" Tom continues, him picking up the fork and shoving the leafy green bullshit in his mouth.

I took another sip of my vodka, "Return of Zander Cage, Deadpool, few tv show appearances and uhm—" I paused, I just knew he was going to chew my ass out. "Wonder women"

Tom dropped his fork, making the rest of the cast look at us, I awkwardly smiled, Nicholas next to me put his hand on my shoulder, "You okay love?"

"Don't worry" I said, pulling his hand off my shoulder. No touching. I hate people touching me.

I looked back over to Tom, "Wonder women, are you kidding me!"

"Shh!" I hit his shoulder.

"Nobody is supposed to know keep your mouth shut. You're lucky I even told you"

When I met Mr. Tom Hardy here, I didn't know a damn thing about what I was getting myself into. The whole setting was new to me, which generally caused my emotions to be out of whack. I got the role of Imperator Furiosa by chance. I was at the right place at the right time, and I guess the right people had their happy panties on, end the end, here I am.

While I do wish I could thank those that fought for me to get the role and ultimately succeeded, a part of me wondered where I would be now if they didn't.

Probably still undercover, maybe seizing somewhere in a dark alley alone again.

While It was true, I didn't like people. I didn't like being around them, I didn't like incessant need every person I met in this career felt the need to hug or touch me or give me advice I didn't ask for. I did enjoy exploring the inner part of me that always had a love for the arts.

When I first started out, Tom really helped me through the new emotions and situations I wasn't used to experiencing, I really owe some part of supposed fame to him, now he's the closes thing I have to a friend in this industry.

"You're going to take it right?" Tom asked, the previous look of concern still plastered on his face.

"Wonder women? Oh—I don't know. Nelia thinks I should, but I think I should just roll a dice or something."

Just then a six-ounce steak on a fancy glass white plate was put in front of me, I licked my lips. Food.

Oh how I was starving. I hadn't eaten anything all day.

I took a bite of the steak; it was juicy and medium rare just how I liked it.

The vocal moan I let out of my mouth made the table laugh as Nicholas threw a few jokes, normally I would flip him off, but the juicy steak stole my attention from reality. Okay, maybe this isn't so bad after all.

The rest of the time I spent there was a blur, I remember once food was done being served and the awards were starting, the announcer did the long draw out introduction made some sad jokes, looking back on it I don't even remember their name.

Damn. That's sad.

I found myself just drinking, before I knew it, I had downed the full bottle and I finally felt the buzz I was looking for, craving.

I wasn't anywhere near drunk, but I wasn't sober, and it was awesome. No pain, complete honesty and I bet if I tried, I could sleep more than two hours straight.

Alcohol, you know those ads that say it doesn't solve your problems, they're lying to you.

Truly.

When Tom's hand slapped me back into reality things happened all too fast,

"They called your name! Get up there!"

Oh shit.

What.

Me?

Oh no, fuck.

I might die, shit no, I might puke, and shit my paints...and die. All at once.

I bet it would be a record.

I scoot back my chair and start to walk up to the stage as clapping continues, I made sure to give off the realest fake smile I could manage and a few waves to a different actors and celebrities I had recognized, surprisingly all of them waved back.

Huh, okay maybe not everyone in this industry are snobs.

Once I received the fancy award, for best staring actress, I said thank you to the host or whatever, which I still didn't know the of and he handed me a microphone.

Fuck. A speech?

I wasn't prepared for this.

I looked at the huge room full of different celebrities of all different talents and my mind froze, as I felt for the speech Neila had written for me I mentally cursed.

But hey, the address to...

"I had prepared a speech, I had written it down and everything."

Lie.

"But I guess I lost it, now I only have the address for IN-AND-OUT, what the hell is that?"

Crowd laughed. Well that's a good start.

"North main street, if anyone wants to know."

The crowd laughed again.

Maybe this will go somewhat good.

"I'm not really good at public speaking, never have. This is all so new to me. I started acting because I learned I enjoyed being in other people's shoes, feeling they're emotions, processing the way the think. Reliving they're experiences." As I was speaking in the microphone, I was looking over every face I could see in the large room everyone had a normal unjudging facial expression.

Fuck it, the lady that interviewed me outside will have parts of my backstory on newspapers in a few days. I rather it come straight from me.

"I was in the Navy before stepping in the audition that changed my life for the better, while I can't really say much about my time in it or after, I can say that those moments laughing and working with the cast that made me find a love in the arts again really helped me through those tough days, and to get this..."

I looked at the trophy, best staring actress for Mad Max: Fury Road.

"Thank you"

The crowd broke out clapping again, the table in the back of course hollering my name. Nicholas and Tom probably, maybe they've had a little bit too much to drink.

Don't be a hypocrite Rhylan, it's not like you didn't just wash down a whole bottle of acetone. Watch my kidney's bleed while I pee later.

Karma is a bitch they say.

Once I handed the microphone back to the host and said my goodbyes, I made it back to the table where all the cast congratulated me, while most of them knew I didn't enjoy being touched, I couldn't let myself pull back from a hug from Rosie or Zoe.

Tom did get a little bit jealous though, so I gave him a side hug, still the same right?

My award was pretty, though I can't describe what it looks like because realistically it's kind of ugly and I don't want judgement.

Its pretty because I worked my ass off for it.

I always did well with positive reinforcement, you know like when you teacher gives you a star sticker and you prize that stupid sticker the entire day.

Maybe that's why the military gives you racks? The big kid sticker.

Never thought about it that way

Guess as you get older you realize things you didn't before

The rest of the show went on fast; the last few people got their award and the live show was wrapped up. They finally let everyone either say goodbye and leave, or go to the after party which was in a different section of the large building.

To be honest, I wanted to leave.

"There will be all you can drink, free alcohol" Tom whispered in my ear, him drunk already.

I raised my eyebrow, really? Free? Well don't mind if I do.

"Fine, I'll go but no dancing or weird shit."

The party section was kind of like the warehouse clubs I went to as a teenager. Gosh, I missed those days.

It had strobe lights of colors and fancy black and white party decorations. The music was some disco noise that honestly made my ears bleed but was such a repetitive beat it was easy to drown out.

The one thing that did call my attention was the long bar with multiple bartenders in black long-sleeved shirts, two male and one female with bright blue hair. There were empty stools lined along the counter of the bar, most people were just ordering a drink and going off to different standing tables to mingle with their fellow celebrity friends. Not me.

"Hey, I gotta take a piss, catch up with you a minute" Tom said tapping my arm to get my attention over the blaring music, I nodded in response.

Once Tom wondered off to find a restroom, I made my way to the bar sitting in one of the surprisingly comfortable bar chairs. Nelia had stopped by before she had to leave and gave me a congratulatory speech. Well, more like her, because as her words, she was the 'best manager ever and I wouldn't have gotten this far without her'

Though she wasn't wrong, she could've been a bit more subtle about it.

But luckily, she had offered to take the award back to my hotel room before she went to hers, she made sure to insult how it looked beforehand though which is such like her.

I waved over the bartender, "Hey man, what's the best whiskey you got?"

He smiled holding up a finger for me to give him a moment, he walks over to the large shelfing system the bottle he grabbed was almost like a wine bottle, tall and slim with more of a corked cap.

"This shit, I swear everybody is sleeping on it" he said, grabbing a chilled shot glass and pouring me a taste, once he handed it to me, I gave it a good sniff catching hints of orange and honey, smells good.

I downed the shot in a swig, damn it was really good.

"Damn, whats this called?" I asked

"Eagle Rare, its aged for ten years or so. This want you want?" He raised the bottled up,

"Yeah, on rocks though. You better have more than that tiny bottle." I got settled in my chair pulling out my phone and flipping through it.

Not long I was already on my second glass, and I knew the alcohol was finally hitting me, I clicked the messaging app on my phone and sent a video to my mom.

"Hey Momma, I miss you and my puppy, California can suck my left nut, its so hot here and smells bad. Give my puppy a kiss for me, love you" I kissed the phone.

Sent.

Welp. I'll regret that.

"Can I get a martini, please"

A large British man asked the bartender, who then nodded and proceeded to make the drink.

A martini, how girly, and snobby...

The alcohol in me made the laugh I normally would've kept hidden made me break out in a cackle. A full-on smiling cackle, I was still talking to myself in my head, a martini?

I didn't even look at the man once, but I could feel him staring at me.

Okay man, what's with the staring?

Say what you want to say, I hate people who withhold how they feel. Its irritating, I should've have to play hopscotch and rock paper scissors at once to decipher what you want me to figure out.

"Why are you laughing?" He asked, finally receiving his drink from the bartender, and taking a small sip.

"Because—a martini." I laugh again.

"Yeah? What's wrong with a martini?" His voice...it was deeper but sounded so familiar.

I was too drunk to put my finger on it.

"What isn't wrong with a martini? Is so boring"

For some reason, I still wasn't looking at him.

"What's a good suggestion then?" He asks, from the corner of my eye I could see him setting down his martini.

"Jewel, but normally nobody has it." I shook my head, so sad, stupid Russian imports.

Just then the bartender pulls out the bottle, Oh. My. God.

I think I'm going to start crying, and I never cry, especially in public.

I looked at the bartender my eyes were hazy, "I think I'm in love with you"

He cackled.

The fancy British guy continued, "Well since you suggested, I'll take a shot with you. Bartender, two please."

Just then two shots were placed in front of us, I started to pick mine up and go for the goal, my mouth.

"Wait, lets cheers on it." He offered.

I rolled my eyes, and turned facing him and froze.

Oh My Jersey.

The shock on my face didn't even phase him, he just clinked his shot on to mine and downed it in one sitting before placing the shot glass on the counter.

"Hi Rhylan," He said, getting slightly closer.

I was still frozen, I couldn't believe after almost, seven...eight... no, nine years from seeing each other the first time to now. The day me and Henry had met the first time and spent those few hours together had really changed my idea on what a soulmate was, or if it was possible.

Though because Henry had become close to me on mission and I had told him my real name, I had to keep tabs on him for a little while to make sure my choices didn't get him hurt...or even killed.

After he started getting a bit bigger in the acting world and got casted in some fancy show which I honestly didn't care to watch, he moved to London, and I had stopped needed to keep tabs on him, he was safe.

As much as I wanted to see him again, I felt some type of connection I had never felt before with Henry as long as I was in the career path I was in I was never going to be able to be with him without him being in danger, not to mention how unfair it would be to be in a relationship with someone and not being able to tell them all the ways something could go wrong because it was 'classified'.

It's why my dating world was dry and stuck to hook ups where the guy was okay with me being on top and in control. Though nowadays it was it was hard to come by without using some type of app which I wasn't going to do now because of my social status.

"Rhylan?"

Henry grabs the full shot glass and puts it on the counter as I slowly come back to reality.

"Henry?" My throat was dry.

"Yes, it seems you do remember me, is that right?"

I nodded, my body still frozen from the utter shock I was in right now. The chances of him standing here in front of me right now...

"It's been a while—"

"Almost ten years." I said, my eyes looking down, he had grown a lot of muscle over the years, and it seemed either he had a stylist or he now knew how to dress himself. Either way I guess is good.

"Yes, almost." 

"Why are you here?" I asked, my voice was fast, and I knew it showed more emotion than I wanted.

"I was nominated, I won too. But I should be asking you the same question."

"Never mind that—it doesn't matter." I turned back to my drink taking a long sip.

Henry moved closer, my arm holding my head up the only barrier between him and his hot breath. "Why did you leave that day? I looked for you." His voice was deep, he was intending for only me to hear it. But the British accent, the deep sultry tone of his voice and his hot breath in my ear, it gave me serious goosebumps.

I cringe and pull away from his delicious voice, too close, way to close. I glanced at him, reading his face, he was buzzed that was for sure you could tell by the haze in his beautiful blue eyes. I glanced back at my drink, downing the rest of the orange smoked whiskey.

"Are you going to answer my question?" His eyes were drilling into me, I could feel it without even looking at him. "Nothing to answer" I waved over the bartender to get my fourth glass of the addicting poison. "Bullshit" He hissed— "I don't know what you want to hear Henry, I was on mission, you knew my name, where I was from, if the wrong person saw me with you, your life could've been in danger." Henry shook his head; he was obviously not happy with that answer. "Why tell me anything if you felt that way?"

I didn't answer that, while I knew the answer, I wasn't going to admit I felt content with Henry that day. The connection I felt then was still present, Henry was open and honest, he spoke his mind but was also mostly a gentleman while doing it. "Doesn't matter." Henry stood from leaning on the bar, his frame was large well over six foot tall his face cleanly shaven and his hair was just perfectly messed up, something my hazy eyes caught was the tinge of pinky nude lipstick on his lips.

He had a date.

Go figure.

Henry pressed his hand on my shoulder, and I froze, twirling around and grabbing his wrist tightly, "Something I've developed from the last time you saw me. I despise being touched." The sensation when someone touched me was overwhelming, it was like every nerve in my body was on fire and I felt the pain of being electrocuted all over again. I couldn't stand it, why did everyone feel the need to touch me. I threw his hand, it was rude, I know it was, but his gaze never changed while he was looking at me.

"I'm not the same person anymore." I started,

"I'm more broken then I once was, I have flashbacks, I don't sleep, and I fucking hate people"

"I don't even know what drugs I was on to make me want to start acting. I guess the apple doesn't fall from the tree"

When I was undercover, the CIA would give me a new identity for every different mission I was on, every new name comes with new hobbies, new ways to think, new dress style, I never was myself and quite frankly I still now know nothing about who I am.

I'm lost and broken, and so far from being fixed or having a possibility being fixed.

"Henry! There you are, I was looking for you!" A blonde British female shouted causing my ears to ring. "Have fun" I said sarcastically, downing the rest of my drink.

"Let me get your number, we need to talk more." He asked frantic to pull out his phone.

"I'll pass, seems your too busy for a common distraction." I gestured to the blonde.

I pulled a hundred-dollar bill from the clutch and tipped the bartender that served me in my self-pity, leaving Henry standing frozen at the bar.

Unfortunately, the only exit to leaving this hell hole would make me pass by the bleach blonde mistress. I stopped beside the blonde, whispering in her ear. "Tara King, you surely do have your work set out for you."

I'll admit it was to intimidate her, while I knew her name, she didn't know mine, I just seemed like random crazy stalker that was hitting on her boyfriend. As I was walking off I saw Tom resting his hand on the wall breathing heavily, "Rhylan there you are—"

“I'm pissed" I said walking off. I had to get out of here, out of the hell that I called my life, the hell of seeing Henry again. The uber ride home was long and over drawn, luckily the driver didn't recognize me or try to make conversation which is something hard to come by lately.

Once I made it to my hotel room, I stripped off all the ridiculous clothes off the moment I closed the door, kicking off the pretty but uncomfortable boots and taking off every neckless Neila insisted on.

I made my way to the shower letting the burning hot water turn my skin bright red.

Pain.

I was so desensitized to it.

I sat one the fancy white couch just staring at the blank television, my life had changed so much over the years, when I was young, I hated change, I would run away from it.

Every part of my life had to be scheduled, when I ate, when I slept, what activities had to be planned out with people. Nothing could differ from my schedule but after the navy... everything changed.

The way I perceive the world changed, the average person doesn't realize how much evil is in the world, how much hate there is in the world. Corrupt officials, terrorists of all different races and nationalities, drug dealers...cartel, I could make a list. I turned on Dr. house watching the finale of season four where spoiler alert Dr. Wilson's soulmate dies.

I cried like a baby no joke.

I looked at the clock it was nearly three in the morning, I guess I better get some sleep, if any.

If only I knew what my future had in store for me.