#of posting things too late when i'm probably too tired to edit properly

[justatiredghost]

Living for the Moment Ch16 A series of glimpses at Klaus’ life if he’d met Dave in his mid 20s. His life isn’t magically transformed, love can’t fix either of them when they’re both homeless and in a bad place. They’re not even really ready for a relationship yet. But maybe a supportive friendship can set them on a better path, the two of them inspiring each other to take care of themselves. It’s going to be a long and bumpy ride, and the question is, when will they actually admit to themselves that they have feelings for each other? Read More AO3

Klaus stumbled down the alley, chuckling quietly to himself. He couldn’t really remember what was so funny, but that was fine. He was incredibly high and, over all, in an amazing mood. He’d had several lucky scores, so he had more cash on hand than he had in a long while, which was why he was headed to a dealer’s. He probably should have accepted one of the offers he’d gotten to stay over, it was winter after all, with an icy bite in the air, but he was on pretty friendly terms with this particular dealer, so he’d probably let him crash there for the night.

He wasn’t exactly steady on his feet, and he giggled when he tripped, laughing even harder as it sent him tumbling into some trash cans. They were louder than he had expected as they clattered to the ground, ringing out through the darkened street. Klaus thought he’d been alone out here, but movement caught his eye and he turned to see a figure curled up against the wall withdrawing further under a coat

It wasn’t exactly an unusual sight, he’d seen plenty of weirder places people chose to sleep out here. He himself has woken up in many of them as well. He only took a second look because the coat caught his eye. It was one he recognized.

“Dave?” he said, not sure if it was actually going to be him.

He wouldn’t put it past the guy to give away his only coat, after all. And usually he was more careful about where he settled down for the night, so it would be stranger if it actually was him. This wasn’t a particularly dangerous part of town, all things considered, but it still wasn’t a great idea to be so out in the open. When the figure didn’t stir, he called out again, a little louder this time. He should probably have just left, but somehow curiosity got the better of him.

“Yoohoo, you alive in there?” He called, nudging the bundle. In retrospect, that probably wasn’t the smartest move. Thankfully he wasn’t greeted by a fist.

“Hmm?” came the sleepy reply as a head poked out from under the jacket, and when it turned out to be Dave after all, Klaus had to laugh at the coincidence.

“Fancy meeting you here,” he said

“Klaus, hey,” Dave said with a smile, but he still looked out of it. There were dark circles under his eyes and he was much paler than the last time he’d seen him.

“You doing okay?” Klaus asked.

“Yeah, sure, fine,” Dave said, and it would have been more convincing if it didn’t look like he was about ready to collapse. “Why do you ask?”

“Well, I didn’t want to be rude, but you look like shit,” Klaus said with a laugh, because it was easier than actually being concerned. “You’re not dying, are you?”

“Boy, I sure hope not,” Dave said with a little laugh of his own, but it ended in an ugly cough.

“What is it, a cold?” Klaus asked accusingly. “How long have you been sick?”

“I don’t know, a few days maybe. But I’m fine, really,” Dave said, waving him off dismissively. “I’m just still not used to the cold.”

“You don’t look fine. Come on, let’s go find somewhere you can warm up,” Klaus said with an exaggerated sigh.

“No,” Dave whined pathetically, slumping back against the wall when Klaus reached down for his arm. “I just need a bit more sleep is all, I’m fine.”

“I find that hard to believe,” Klaus rolled his eyes. “Come on, just give me your hand before you freeze to death, or something. You can sleep when we get where we’re going.”

“I don’t know if I can stand,” Dave finally admitted, not quite meeting his gaze.

“Hey, I will carry you if I have to, don’t test me,” Klaus said and he finally gave in.

They must have looked quite the pair, barely able to stay upright as they leaned against each other, stumbling along both unsteady for very different reasons. Thankfully, they managed to make it to one of the cheaper motels nearby with minimal injury. Dave seemed to be on autopilot, swaying slightly on the spot whenever Klaus released him, and following along obliviously wherever he was led. When they were finally in their room and Klaus left him briefly to close the door behind them, he almost climbed into bed fully clothed.

“Woah, hang on,” Klaus said, grabbing Dave’s arm again and steering him towards the bathroom. “How about a shower first? You’re not gonna drown if I leave you in here, are you?”

“Hmm?” Dave mumbled in response.

“Come on, let’s at least strip you down to your boxers,” Klaus said with a heavy sigh, turning on the water on to warm up.

Dave did as instructed and climbed in at Klaus’ urging to sit at the bottom of the tub, letting the water wash over him.

“Feel good?” Klaus asked, dropping to sit on the floor, leaning back against the tub.

“Mmm,” Dave nodded sleepily, slowly looking a bit more alert. “Sorry about all this.”

“All what? Being sick?” Klaus asked. “Just don’t die on me and we’ll call it even, okay?”

Dave nodded absently instead of joking back. After a moment, he slowly reached for the soap, like his limbs weighed too much, and started to clean up. Once he was done, or at least run out of energy and stopped, Klaus helped him climb out and into bed, convincing him to strip out of the boxers as well. At least Dave had the presence of mind now to blush as he did so, even though the blankets obscured the view. Adorable, that this was all it took.

“You get some rest,” Klaus said. “And when I get back, you’ll have fresh clean clothes ready for you.”

“You’re not staying?” Dave asked.

“I’ll only be a little while,” Klaus assured him.

He wasn’t sure he actually would be back, though. Sure, he’d drop off the clothes after visiting the laundromat, he wasn’t that mean, but after? Just being here was probably a pretty big trigger for Dave and he definitely didn’t want to be the cause of him falling off the wagon. He probably reeked of weed and alcohol too.

Maybe he needed to wash his own clothes as well. And shower. Then, as long as he didn’t actually take anything in front of Dave, it should be fine, right? He wasn’t sure, he’d never seriously tried to get sober, so he didn’t know what it was like to try to fight the urge.

He would have liked to take a long bath, but laundry took forever and he wanted to be back as soon as possible in case Dave woke up. Since his own clothes needed a wash, after he was all clean, Klaus just wrapped a towel around his chest before heading out. Sure, he got a few odd looks, but there weren’t many people out this late, so he just winked back and continued on. It was boring waiting for the washer and drier to do their thing, but he was still riding the tail end of a high and the hypnotic spinning certainly helped.

By the time he got back, Dave was sitting up, blinking around the room owlishly, like he was trying to remember what was going on.

“Oh,” Dave said when he saw him. “So it wasn’t a dream.”

“Do you dream about me coming to your rescue often, then?” Klaus joked, surprised when Dave turned crimson. That wasn’t exactly what he was expecting. He cleared his throat and continued quickly. “I’ve got your clothes for you. And snacks from the vending machine that I definitely paid for and didn’t almost get my arm stuck stealing. Think you can stomach some food?”

Dave grimaced and shook his head. “Think I’ll just sleep.”

Klaus shrugged, put on his own clothes with no regard for his own modestly, and sat on the edge of the bed to pull his boots on, granola bar held between his teeth. And no, he definitely wasn’t disappointed when Dave didn’t try to take a peak, seemingly asleep with his face buried in a pillow.

“Thanks,” Dave said suddenly, breaking the silence. Not asleep after all, apparently.

“Hey, I was gonna stay here anyway; had a really great score and the cash was burning a hole in my pocket, so I thought I’d treat myself. You just get to benefit from my good luck.”

He didn’t mention the fact that he was running low on drugs and that was what the money was actually for. He didn’t need to know that. Not that he was completely sure Dave bought his lie. Regardless, he needed to figure out what to do next. Most bars were closed by now, but maybe he could walk the streets a bit. Not the safest way to earn a bit of cash, but there wasn’t exactly anyone around to con, pickpocket, or seduce, unless he wanted to do a little breaking and entering to steal. That could be fun, but he hadn’t cased anywhere.

He’d barely finished a bag of chips and was getting ready to come up with an excuse to leave when Dave spoke.

“I called my family,” he said, still not looking at him.

“Oh yeah?” Klaus said. Family wasn’t really a topic they discussed often. Klaus’ was too fucked up, but Dave’s didn’t seem too bad. They just didn’t know where he was or what he was doing, which in retrospect probably meant there was something going on there.

“Purim always makes me nostalgic. I found an alcohol-free celebration and it left me missing my sisters. I thought it would be nice, but my uncle was there too.”

“Yeah?” Klaus prompted when he fell silent.

“I used to look up to him, you know,” Dave continued. “My uncle. I forgot how easy it is for him to make me feel like shit. Part of the reason I left to begin with.”

“Sounds like an asshole,” Klaus said. He never had been great at saying the right thing.

“Yeah. Yeah, he is.”

“Well, we’re half way across the country and also hot, so who's the real winner here?”

Dave smiled weakly, but at least it was a smile.

“You should get some sleep,” Klaus said, patting where he thought Dave’s ankle was under the blanket. “There’s still some food, so help yourself whenever you wake up.”

“Can you stay?” Dave asked, and how was he supposed to say no to that face?

“Okay, fine, you win,” Klaus threw his hands up. “Scoot over, we can both get some shuteye, then.”

But as he lay there, he couldn’t help but think about how long it had taken him to slip back into his old life, his old vices. He’d done a good job letting the numbness take hold as he sunk back into oblivion, but already, being back here with Dave, listening to his quiet snoring; it caused an ache in his chest. Or maybe the high was just finally wearing off. That was an excuse that was getting harder and harder to believe.

He hadn’t realized just how miserable he’d been since they parted ways.

That thought startled him. No, he couldn’t go through this again. He couldn’t fall back into having a real connection with another person, to finding himself actually caring about someone else, and letting someone else know and care about him. He couldn’t go back to that only to lose it all over again once the sun came up, because that wasn’t a life he could have. He was too fucked up, and the best he could hope for was the numbness. It had to be enough.

He got up and headed for the door, only hesitating briefly in the doorway, but he didn’t look back. This wasn’t his life. This wasn’t where he belonged. The chill in the air was a welcome relief as he trudged outside and down the sidewalk with no real destination. At least it kept his mind from wandering or thinking about what-ifs.

[radiorenjun]

Grand announcement ❗❗❗

Yep you read that right and no this is not a joke, unfortunately.

Honestly is it that much of a surprise?

Um I don't know when I'm actually going to post this or if I will post this considering I've been debating on whether i should actually take time off of not. But depending on the date I post this, its either going to be one of two reasons or both.

LETS GO WITH THE POSITIVE ONE FIRST SHALL WE?

First of all, Happy Ramadan! My maids going back to her old village for the holidays so I'm going to have to assist my parents in babysitting more til she gets back. Therefore I will be too busy to post or update. Or maybe my parents plan an unexpected vacation or something and I'll be too busy to communicate with anyone on my phone.

Edit: I take it back my mom fired her when she caught some cigarette ashes in her room today (my maid went back to her village yesterday btw) and now we gonna get a temporary one that comes and goes everyday at the end of Ramadan LMFAOOO more chores for me then

Also, im posting this to just inform everyone I'll be okay and I'll return somewhere in the end of May or the beginning of June considering I promised a few moots to voice call then. Man, it feels weird speaking all serious like this. It feels even weirder that I'm not even using capslock lmfao.

Okay the other reason. Im not really thrilled to think that it's finally drove me up so far i have to take a break from everything.

If you can't tell from how I've been on and off lately uh like my mental health is getting bad. Like really really bad?

I won't go into much details but for safety stuff here's your trigger warning for ED, SH, Depression, Nightmares, etc. If you don't want to read this part you can scroll down until you see some random red statement I'll write later so you can see what I have to say before i leave.

Uh okay where do I start. To sum it all up basically, my mental health is in absolute ruins? At the moment?? Uh... It's been the worst it has been in the past three to four years? I don't know anymore. I can't sleep properly because I keep having nightmares of past su1c1d3 attempts and the outcome of actually succeeding. I can't eat properly anymore. My SH habits and my anxiety is coming back (every beginning of every month though so it wasn't as bad as way way when this started) and I trying my best to stop it again. I'm almost a month clean but I doubt that I can last more than that again because everything seems to get worse and worse. I cry myself to sleep because of my thoughts being so fucked up. I tried coming forward with this so many times to my parents and my teachers but they won't believe me, i can't do anything anymore except try to get better by myself. I can't bring myself to communicate with anyone anymore knowing full well that the only thing that's keeping me alive at this moment is socializing. I keep having flashbacks of when older men stalked me everywhere I went in the past. I lie awake knowing that nothing can bring me comfort except seeing that one idol who you all probably know by now. Im literally depending on him to keep me together during the day it's not even funny anymore lmfao.

I have to do endless chores, deal with all of this at once, catch up on two semesters worth of materials for my new school, deal with my graduation ceremony which is coming around this month or next month? Somehow I developed some type of anger issues the past year so haha that's great yuh no.

To stop you from worrying, no, I don't have suicidal tendencies anymore but I don't exactly have something to be thrilled living for. I'm just vibin in life at this point lmao

I'm just tired. I'm really really tired. Id lie awake crying my eyes out while listening to renjun voice audios. I'm tired of crying all the time and I'm tired of everything. Im tired of laying in bed overthinking and stressing bout things that wouldnt normally bother as much. I promise I won't do anything stupid

I won't be gone long. I'm not okay at the moment but I will be. Because at the end i need to be okay again. I'm giving myself time to heal again before something gets bad. I promise I'll come back from time to time. I promise I'll be okay again and I'll come back as that happy hyper renjun simp who swears and uses capslock, spamming memes or whatever.

I'm not comfortable opening up about anything that goes beyond too sad in my life so I'm just going to leave it at that

You can stop scrolling now. The triggering part is over.

Thank you for all the moots who decided to cheer me up unknowingly whenever I was having a mental breakdown. Thank you for reading up to here lmfao uh I don't know what to say? God Im a mess.

Dms on both tumblr and discord will be pretty slow. I'm sorry but I'll reply to my asks like a day or two after they're sent. I won't be posting much until June and I'm truly sorry for those who were waiting for the last chapter of idni, im taking this chance to also rethink the ending so I can somehow make it better than I originally planned it literally a year ago.

Damn broken English 101.

As I said before, I'll be okay when I get back. I'll be the happy hyper angie I always was and always will be when I return. I don't know when I'll post this but hopefully I don't haha. You don't have to be worried about me, this happened before and I always come back okay again. I'll be okay, I promise. I'll be back in a month.

Do what yall do and don't forget to tag me whenever you post any renjun fics haha. I'll miss you all, don't forget about me okay? Haha.

I'll be looking forward to writing again and hopefully I'll be mentally and physically healthy then. Hopefully I'll have my motivation in writing back again by then. I'll try my best to commit into getting better and being happy. Plus I wanna start an sm au but rn it doesn't seem very likely haha

I'll be contacting my networks bout this as soon as I post this.

Thank you and see you all later

[rpbetter]

Urgh. Okay, full disclosure, I haven't been on tumblr much over the last week or so, because I was one of the people that Raven initially called out after the COAR mess, and it was in the interest of my own mental health to fuck off for a while so I didn't stress myself out into oblivion. So I'm scrolling through most of this stuff for the first time, and talking to other people who were targeted. And pardon my French here, but I'm fucking disgusted at the lengths Raven has gone to assert themselves as a victim, how many people they've affected, and the waving around of something as serious as suicide for brownie points.

I have sympathy for people who overinterpret things in a strictly emotional and mental sense (actual reactions aside) because they lack the maturity. There's always a reason for that, and it's not their fault. And I have sympathy for people if they legitimately feel suicidal. That, too, isn't their fault. If I hadn't been blocked, I would've reported Raven in case their claims were true as well, because yeah, I don't mess around with that stuff either. But what's unacceptable is how Raven acted on those sentiments and behaved towards others, even after people tried to provide perspective. How Raven claimed to be done with the drama, but continued inciting it; how they claimed to be suicidal and had left tumblr, but wrote what amounts to a "fuck you" in their header and were still putzing around on their blog, and were apparently still editing their posts until as late as today; how they claimed to have deleted but only changed the url; how they weaponized all of this stuff and used it as a tool for guilt-tripping. Like, come on. It's okay if you're down in the dumps, but it's not okay to treat innocent people like garbage, and carpet bomb half the RPC. To me, it really feels like there was an intent to weaponize all of their hurt, offense, anger, and suicidal ideations, despite the possibility it did come from somewhere genuine, and that's so harmful to anyone who is actually struggling with depression.

Every time someone weaponizes mental illness in this way, it just makes people more and more apathetic the next time someone is genuinely just hurting, and saying they feel like they're at the end of their rope. And it makes people suspicious of whether those words are being used maliciously, or legitimately. That suspicion and that association is now there, unconscious or not. And every time this kind of stuff happens, the association gets stronger. What happens if Raven does this again? Some people will still report, but some people might just scoff and walk away - people who might've actually acted before. So in a way, that kind of behaviour impacts Raven as much as it impacts other people.

And you know what? They're not the only one dealing with serious shit. I've been suffering from MDD for the last fifteen years, and I've been in the process of changing medications and having little success for months. I've been going through hell offline. I have a shit list of people I want to yell at because they're dragging their feet on really important things I need to function; I'm constantly running a deficit on spoons. Until a week or so ago, roleplay was one of the only ways I could unwind. So for Raven to bully me by sticking that stupid post in my tags, because they needed to make a scene on COAR, which I was obviously going to comment on (like many other people), then to "like" an unsubstantiated callout about me and other innocent people related to that mess, it's only worsened my own mental health. It sounds melodramatic, but really. Someone else mentioned this too, but the fear of being in another callout, and the fear of that first callout somehow exploding, was in the back of my mind all week, despite being away from tumblr. So that was a little anxiety-inducing, much as I tried not to think about it.

And I'm debating whether to return now, or take more time off, and I have no idea what to do. Because that callout post is still in my blog's tag. I'm freaking out because I was planning on approaching some people to roleplay, which is something I rarely ever do, but now I'm concerned that I'll contact someone, they'll look at my tag to get an idea of my writing/partners/who I am, and see the callout post, and immediately dismiss me because even seeing the word "callout" on its own will send up red flags, by unconscious association with more impactful drama. And as long as that callout is up, these fears are going to be there.

That's just not fair.

And Raven's "apology" is completely unacceptable. Like you and others said, it doesn't reach anyone who needs to hear it, because they've all been blocked. I would fucking love an apology if it came from a place of honesty, but am I going to receive one? Probably not. And even for the followers who can still see that apology, it doesn't address anything. It isn't directed to anyone in particular. It doesn't mention the specific behaviours that were wrong on their part. And miss me with the "my intentions were good" part. No, they weren't; going around blocks and sticking shit in peoples' tags is vindictive and entirely intentional in all the worst ways, and shame on them for pretending otherwise, and by leading with such a poor example for many roleplayers, some of whom are in their teens. One of the people who tried to message Raven (they, too, were called out on Raven's blog) was speaking to a nineteen-year old who was completely clueless about the extent of the manipulation Raven was pulling. They thought all of it was normal and acceptable behaviour. That genuinely terrifies me. And while I imagine if Raven was genuinely apologetic, they would've gone to the callout blog and ask them to delete the callout post (attempt it, at the very least), somehow, I don't think that would've happened given all of their prior actions. God forbid something else is going on there.

Phew. Yeah, I'm angry. Maybe I'm just biased and tired. But honestly, I have a right to be. Raven's apology is a handwave, and they know it. It's a slap in the face to me, to you, and to everyone else who was involved in this clusterfuck. They're not the center of the universe. They affected real people, with real problems of their own. Anyways, I am so sorry for this, argh. Really had to get this out, and I didn't want to dump it on discord or somewhere else; I sure as heck didn't want to go to COAR with it. But hey, maybe people here will feel less alone if I added my own account to the mix. The more, the merrier? In a sense, anyways. Sometimes if you feel like you've been singled out, it's nice to know you're not actually the only person it's happened to.

Sorry for saving your reply for last, Anon. It's such an important one, I wanted to be properly thoughtful!

I think that it is going to make some people feel less alone, and there is always some relief in sharing one's trials. That might be especially true when one has been unable to share them anywhere else. It's not like you can address this on your own blog right now, COAR is definitely not a safe place to do so, it's a very isolating feeling that is made worse for having done nothing.

Coming back and being required to wade through this shit was really damn disgusting to me as well, but at least in my case, I had neither been obliged to distance myself for the sake of mental health nor was I treated to the sickening display of drumming up ideas of victimization from someone who victimized me. What I experienced was just incredulity and disgust, I cannot imagine how incensing this must be for you, I am so very sorry. If it makes me angry having a degree of removal and watching in it real time? What you're experiencing...there really isn't a single word to adequately encapsulate that, I'm sure.

You've still expressed so many of the things I've thought and felt. I found all that initial behavior uncalled for, shameful, yet another display of what's actually wrong in the RPC, but it was increasingly upsetting to me the more I looked into it because it did feel a little (a lot) too reminiscent of the sort of bullying experienced in person. It's really something else to be viciously picked at by someone who keeps upping the game until such point as it begins to cause them trouble, then get to be painted the wrongdoer and punished in some way for it because they're presenting as a sympathetic victim. A more sympathetic victim than you, that's really what I mean, I'm just going to say it.

And that was already in swing by the time I got from the launch point to the smoking crater of then current events. I got to Raven's again after bouncing back and forth between their interactions with others, largely from COAR, yes, and the shit on the callout blog...to see...everyone else being blamed in increasingly drastic ways.

Because on tumblr, unlike reality, if you throw out enough times ahead of time that you have disorders people can get behind, you're more sympathetic, not less. So long as one has set that foundation and has others to broadcast it once convenient, any horrible action one undertakes is given a pass. Anyone disagreeing, anyone not tolerating the abuse, is in the wrong now. In the worst possible way, of course.

This whole thing began with incredibly unnecessary bullshit and every, I mean fucking every, further action taken was a new level of fucked up, but the trivializing of and damage done to the perception of mental health and differences is quite possibly the worst. Are those things that need any more of that? It's already such a problem! I already see suspicion and fatigue with this, every time it's given validation, it grows.

Even if I wasn't mentally ill, with one of the disorders that gets vilified even on tumblr, even if I were not autistic, even if I never knew a single person who suffered worse than I do from the the complications they won by way of being born, hadn't anyone I loved that took their lives, this would be extremely upsetting to me. Using the idea that "whatever I do, it's got to be acceptable because I am X" while not caring that anyone else is X, Y, and/or Z. Weaponizing it for bullying and sympathy simultaneously. Way too much. Incredibly gross and harmful, legitimately fucking problematic.

I want people to be taken seriously when they choose to speak of the boundaries their mental health requires, I want muns to be able to say that they are having a difficult time without it coming off (even to the rest of us with mental health conditions) as a ploy for attention/guilting for whatever action they desire be taken by partners, and I want people to take threats of oncoming, serious harm seriously. How are they to do this, when it is continually used as tool or weaponized against others? At very best, it becomes another thing to ignore and scroll by on the dash.

As we've all had the misfortune to experience or witness so recently, once it is weaponized, it's a problem of priority. I've said in damn near every message I've gotten that Raven isn't the only person involved here who has serious shit going on, but like the absurdity with trying to spin an accident as transphobia, or having the audacity to attempt speaking from a place of peace in a way that might benefit everyone, Raven included, resulting in a callout about being against ND people...it doesn't matter. Doesn't matter that any of us are neurodivergent, have serious chronic mental health complications, or are not cisgender. Raven was swinging that around like a flaming sword to drive off bigots real and imagined before we ever got their attention.

Attention they fucking asked for.

Reblogging that post from COAR was just like posting those rules. The intention was to get attention, and it was asked for with extreme hostility. I have no idea how that is coming off to anyone as simply them defending themselves. It was a great moment to either not out themselves as the person in the confession at all, not engage with it, quietly remove the post, or to reblog it and take responsibility in a meaningful way at that point. Can you imagine what a difference that would have made then? If Raven had chosen instead to reblog it and apologize for doing what they had. Just that. No shitty, snide little comments about how they're sorry, but still absolutely correct and here are five reasons why everything they've misconstrued won't be tolerated. Just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing, an apology for doing so, and awareness gained moving forward.

Their decision to interact with that post in the way they did wasn't just more of the same nonsense, it was actively upping the game. I don't really care if it was intentional bait or just continuing to let malicious impulse run free, it was used as bait. Everyone who interacted with that post was effectively consigning themselves to harassment, and if they happened to interact on literally any other topic that group held a passionately opposing opinion on, they were attacked for it. Curiously, it became necessary for them to be harassed by way of the callout blog, but that is getting a little close to off-topic, so, I'll leave it at that.

So, while I initially really wanted to have the appeal to Raven work because their expressions of regret that I was greatly on the fence about being genuine, I'd say those flags were accurate. I cannot believe that someone who took every opportunity to do the wrong thing is genuinely sorry. Sorry for themselves, absolutely, sorry for anything they did, not so much. This constant narrative I got of "they SAID they were sorry" and "they apologized again and again and took the posts down," including from Raven, is incredible. On that last one, they, yet again, couldn't actually address me.

Appropriate response: messaging me or reblogging that post (you know, the rules snippet I found right the hell there still, despite the claim of it being deleted and the final catalyst of me needing to say something after I saw that, nope, surely was not) with the acknowledgment of a single thing I said.

Extra appropriate response: ^ plus going to everyone who could still be located that they harmed with a genuine, individual, private apology.

Inappropriate response that was had: new post, shitty, childish tone like they at once wanted to argue with me and didn't want to drop the act, restating of this apology that had already been deleted and meant exactly shit while it existed, restating of how they deleted this post and couldn't control reblogs, ignoring that I literally reblogged the original copy from their blog.

Apology neither believed nor accepted. Just as it wouldn't be if my nephew came to my house, broke a bunch of my things, said he was sorry while throwing the pieces at my pet, then threw himself on the floor screaming that he said he was sorry when I told him to go have a time out.

(Yes, I absolutely did just make a comparison to a child, y'all can shit yourselves again. It's not my problem if you want to misconstrue "this person's actions are not befitting of an adult" as "Vespertine said autistic people are children!" Fucking miss me with that. I'm an autistic adult who pays my bills, apologizes, doesn't treat people like shit while trying to excuse it by being ND. You're offensive with that shit, and contributing to the negative perception people have of those on the spectrum. Be a good ally today! Don't valid that! Free ninety-nine offer!)

Again, sorry for yourself does not equal being sorry for what you've done. The former can contribute to the development of the latter, but as I said in a response yesterday, there has been no display of that beginning to transpire. I genuinely hope that will eventually be the case because that would be the best outcome, the only "best" outcome at this point. Even if it was two years from now, if it did happen, I certainly would not be kind to people refusing them any such growth in peace, and I hope that, by some distant chance, I get to prove that.

But...stating "my intentions were good" over any part of this is not remotely promising. When? Where? At what point? Oh, right, when you took it upon yourself to label a random mun you took issue with. That's when your intentions were good. Then, when you vehemently needed to defend that point by callouts and individual attacks under the guise of it definitely not being about your pride, no! It was the defense of everyone else! Defending the community by carpet-bombing it, yes. This is not a "the path to Hell is paved with good intentions" situation.

I am so disturbed about the nineteen-year-old mun, my god. I'm telling y'all, my anger and disgust almost reach what I think is a pinnacle, then there's something new like this.

I don't even subscribe to tumblr's ideology that anyone under twenty-five is an actual infant who needs be kept in a protective bubble and forgiven for all bad behavior with infinite kindness, nineteen-year-olds deserve the agency of the adultier adults they are becoming, but it is a transitional age. Especially today. Most socialization and formative ideas take place online, and by the time younger RPers are entering the adult sphere of RP here, they've already got some really unhealthy ideas. About themselves, about others. There is such a demand for rabidly performative action that gets internalized, it shouldn't be being heartily fed by people in the community they might look up to.

At that age, someone like Raven is going to be a person looked up to. They espouse all the right ideas, and it's an age in which aggressive interaction over those things is seen as amusing and correct, no matter how wrong the actions taken are or the basis upon which they are founded. When these people foster an environment of cruelty for questioning, of course, that is not going to be the natural response. The response is now going to be the requirement of being told otherwise with adequate proof.

I have suspected that many of the hateful anons I've gotten were from Raven's even younger followers who feel like it's normal, acceptable, and that everything they're being told by Raven's sales team over at the callout blog is absolutely true. Of course, they're now morally obligated to come harass me for the things they were told I did! I think it's likely that several of the anons people got were from actual minors, which is so many levels of scary and irresponsible. Really great example all around, yes!

Because whether it is one's intention or not, that is potentially exposing minors, or muns who are still close enough to be more negatively impacted, to who even knows what. As well as violating the rules of blogs who do not interact with minors for good reason, setting those blogs up for yet another callout for treating someone they didn't know was a minor the way they did or having "freak shit" on their blog. Setting up the other party to be treated with full hostility as an adult would be. Very cool, very responsible.

There is just so much here that is unacceptable, I don't think people who were not directly impacted or have never had a callout against them understand the results, and that is one more unacceptable thing you've been good enough to talk about.

Even while taking a break from the RPC, it affects you negatively. Wondering what you're coming back to, your blog is no longer a safe feeling space, and there's nothing you can do to "cultivate your blog" to change that. They've taken away the ability to simply block and avoid others, the thing that keeps all of us comfortable here as well as allowing that to be all of us no matter how disagreeable we might be to each other. Callouts negate adult behavior. Callouts mean that one doesn't know where more potential for harassment might be coming from, or how long we might have to be worried about that.

It would be a major concern for me as well about what putting myself out there to new writing partners might bring. What the success of that might be. It's incredibly unfair that they've made finding new people precarious and more unpleasant than it can be anyway. That puts all of the future of your RP here in question, and if you're like me, just dropping a muse, picking up another, and moving to a new URL isn't going to be a good choice for you. It isn't that simple if you dedicate time to a muse for a long period of time, when that's the case, that's the RP you want to do and have laid the groundwork for.

I don't know if it will help at all, but it has seemed to me, over the past several days, that there are fewer people in the RPC who are inclined to believe or support callouts than there once was. I was hoping that was the case, since there is always so much interaction on my posts against callout culture, but until this crap went down, I had no idea just how many people are not positive toward it. It has seemed to be that the people who are inclined to listen to callouts are just louder.

I've also noticed that those people have the same set of red flags, so maybe sharing that will help you or others?

They don't have simple, basic, reasonable Do Not Interacts. It isn't simply asking that minors don't interact because the mun is over eighteen, that muns writing a triggering topic not interact, or that sort of thing. No, it's URL dropping of specific muns, outright links to callouts or "receipts," and an accusatory tone about any topics or types of muns who shouldn't interact. Such as "nasty ass proshippers" or "pedo apologists shipping incest."

Their rules are reflective this as well. A statement cannot be made that they do not write, let's say, toxic ships and left at that. There will be some morality wank present about normalizing or romanticizing toxic/abusive relationships.

There are less assured flags, but literally, anything that stands out as an interest in RPC or fandom-based activism as opposed to an interest in writing, their muses, or even their friendships with a variety of muns. I don't mean a rounded-out interest in things, I really do mean a glaring predominance of buzzword-laden reblogs and PSA's while they've not written a reply, headcanon, or answered a meme in months.

I'm not saying any of that because I feel like you, or anyone else's, judgment is terrible or that you're oblivious to warning signs! It's just that when we've experienced bad situations, it can compromise our ability to see clearly. It becomes easy to see a potential threat everywhere, and maybe that seems contrary, but it's then easy to fail to see real threats from those we're blowing up. We question whether we're being just as judgmental as the people who wronged us, putting words in other muns' mouths and thoughts in place of their own as was done to us. While we still are afraid to be wrong in giving someone an in to ruining our time again.

So, please, don't feel like I'm questioning your intelligence or speaking from a place of ultimate knowledge, never making mistakes in such a choice! I just really hate that you, and many others, are going through this, and anything at all that I can think of that might help you move forward from this utter bullshit you've been through, I've got to try to grab it.

Because, Anon, like all those sharing their experiences these last few days, you sound like the kind of mun we need in the RPC.

You're someone willing to share with others for the benefit of others. You're being honest about your feelings of anger and even the hopeless sensation of whether it's even worth it to try to return, having your progress on and offline stomped on, while still maintaining a sort of fairness and calm that I know is not easy. Because that's the mature thing to do, it's the right thing, and unfortunately, those are usually the harder things to do as well.

You did the right thing in expressing your opinion and doing what people like Raven's group love to be on about, can only do through bullying: not tolerating it. I'd hate for the RPC to lose someone like you!

Just as your message matters to more people out there than myself, I have no doubt that your choice to not quietly allow this behavior mattered to more muns than you'll ever know. I'm sure that none of them would have wanted this result for you, but so many muns have experienced such toxic, bullying behavior over the years in which not a soul spoke up.

Many of you proved something very important with challenging Raven and the callouts blog, that unlike them, it isn't necessary for good people to even know each other to do the right thing. They have to dogpile and engage in cliquish behavior, what they do isn't coming from a place of inner ethics and strength, but what you all did? It's the opposite.

So, not only do I thank you again for sharing and providing the important support of simply not being alone to others, I thank you for being the example to the RPC that people dealing in callouts and generalized shaming cannot be, no matter their platform.

I hope that, whether you choose to remain, leave, or take a very long break, everything you've been dealing with starts to look up. I know it's easy to say things made hollow for their repetition and flippant use, like telling you not to let them win, or that their bullshit just isn't that important. So, I'm not going to say them.

It doesn't work that way when you're dealing with mental health concerns! You can logically know that this is just petty bullshit not worth being run out of something important to you, but that doesn't stop the worry, frustration, or depression. You can have all the determination in the world to hang in there, even the spite to back it up, but neither is a match for the things you cannot control coming from your brain. That is the cruelty of mental illness on the very best of days.

You have all of my respect, support, and genuine sympathy that this happened to you. No one should be allowed to continually and unapologetically go out of their way to throw a wrench into someone's hard-won progress. You did nothing to deserve this, and the people out there worth interacting with are going to be the same ones who will have no question of that.

Lastly, I also hope that some of the anons sharing their experiences have helped you feel less alone, or like you're not just irrationally upset. Please know that you're seen and supported as well! And that you are always welcome to talk more, vent, share successes here.

Thank you, Anon.

[asynca]

Hey asy I've had anxiety and depression for a few years now and was wondering if you had any thoughts on serotonin inhibitors? I want to try taking medication but my family wants me to look for other solutions since they think I'm still too young for medication (I'm 17). I've been taking cbd oil but it doesn't do anything for me.

I actually wrote a really long reply to this, and then my computer crashed before I posted it and I got frustrated and left it for a few days. Apologies about the delay!

EDIT: MY COMPUTER CRASHED AGAIN WHILE I WAS WRITING IT AGAIN UUUGGGHHH

OKAY. Okay, I’m good. Let’s go. 

From personal experience. anti-depressants (specifically selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors (SSRIs) and serotonin and noradrenaline reuptake inhibitors (SNRIs) have changed my life. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was a teenager, and so periodically throughout my life I’ve taken them when things have been really tough for me. They always get me through that period and keep me functional so I can stay at work etc. 

From professional experience, as I work with a lot of people who have depression and other mental illness (gambling is very frequently associated with some level of depression), I see many, many clients do really well on them. 

SSRIs are not a ‘miracle cure’ for depression. You don’t pop them on Tuesday and then live life to the full on Wedneday. It takes 4-12 weeks for you to get the full affect of them usually and it’s a slow, gentle slide upwards from ‘I hate life’ to ‘I guess things are okay’. You don’t usually wake up in the morning and suddenly realise you’re deliriously happy. Instead, over time, the misery slowly fades. You don’t cry as much. You don’t get angry and frustrated as much. You realise things have been easier to manage lately and you’re kind of feeling better. You realise you feel less like a total failure and less lonely. 

Anti-depressants prep you for dealing with what’s triggered your depression in the first place. Do you feel trapped by your parents? Are you unhappy in your relationship? Do you have poor self-esteem because of how people treated you? Do you have past trauma you haven’t dealt with? On ADs, it’s easier to engage properly with therapy and address these issues. I don’t recommend ditching therapy just because you feel better - the issues are still there, you’ll do better in the long term by addressing them. 

In terms of cautions about anti-depressants, they do give young people the energy and motivation to suicide BEFORE their anti-depressant affect has kicked in properly, so if you’re suicidal, make sure you have someone aware of you and helping you during the 4-12 week period you start taking them. 

Furthermore, the 2-4 weeks you’re getting used to them, you feel weird. You might feel nauseous and tired, your head my spin. Your  mouth might be dry and you might yawn a lot. This is completely normal, and for most people does not persist. It goes away. 

Likewise, when you stop taking them, you get that head-spinning nausea again sometimes, and ‘brain zaps’ which are a weird sensation (not painful) where it feels like someone is running a buzzing electrical current through your brain occasionally. You can minimise these by tapering off the drug slowly. 

Sometimes, the first anti-depressant you take doesn’t work as well as it should. Or, the side-effects are not tolerable for you (for example, low libido or problems orgasming is a common long term issue on some SSRIs, or maybe you’ve lost or gained too much weight on a particular med). You may need to switch to another SSRI. 

It’s a process, being medicated for depression. Your drugs may be revised from time to time. You may switch drugs from time to time. You may have drugs added or removed to your regime (I’m on two meds at the moment, for example). You will probably go on and off them for your entire life - and that’s absolutely fine. I’ve been doing this for 20 years, and it’s ensured I remain as healthy as is reasonable for me to expect to be and functional.

Serotonergic anti-depressants appear to be very safe - the first one hit the market in 1987 - 30 years ago - and all we’ve come up with so far is ‘may slightly increase the chance of type 2 diabetes’. There has been some evidence that they may shorten synapses in brain neurons, but it’s not particularly strong. 

Millions upon millions of people take anti-depressants daily. Aside from drugs like tylenol or aspirin, there’s hardly a more tested drug. The safety profile is pretty damn good, even if we don’t really know why they work. 

Look, I don’t know why my car works either, but it does, so I’m pretty happy to drive around in it :3

If you’re considering taking serotonergic antidepressants, speak with your doctor. They’re a good, typically safe and reliable starting point for managing depression.