#of course it's not the job of women to have long hair and perform femininity etc etc etc

[carolinanadeau]

that one '90s short hairstyle was devastating to Women

[misswenndy]

THE BEAUTY OF DOMINANCE

Owning a submissive, can be one of the most beautiful things a woman can ever own.  There is so much potential in owning a submissive male.  I say own, within the context of love being the foundation. It’s not a forced ownership, since he wants to be owned, but make no mistake, the true power really does lie in her capable hands. Once a submissive goes down the road of being owned, he feels like he belongs to her. She feels like he is her personal property.  This is a bond between them, that only deepens in time.

It really does get to a point where, a submissive male wouldn’t want to be anywhere else than under her complete control. He trusts and loves her so completely, that he surrenders to her in love. He knows any other way to be in life, pales in comparison compared to being totally devoted to her. He dares not disobey, even if disobedience is easy, or even if, he can get away with it without her noticing. A true submissive, will obey for the sake of obeying her. He will have no second thoughts about it, his ego is completely hers to mold. He has become loyal to her authority, and her as a person.

This is why it’s so incredibly important that she understands her power, and does not use it to abuse him. Because she can, easily, abuse him, and many submissive’s will take that abuse for a while, when they should be standing up and saying no. The fault always lies with the abuser, it is her responsibility, and a submissive, should know, that it’s always okay to stand up and say no, when he feels abused. She needs to respect that for the sake of a healthy relationship. She also needs to respect that for the sake of her loving submissive, and to always have an optimal level of willing submission from him at all times. The sheer level of submission that can come from his is on par with bliss.

Once in control, all trust issues disappear, she never has to worry about what he thinks of her, and most importantly, he is always desiring her. She never has to have body insecurity issues, because his tongue is eager to be used at all times of the day, any time she wants to use it.  Any where she wants to use. For as long as she wants to use it.   This eliminates any kind of guilt she has ever had about sex.  It helps her establish her own sexual desire, and to always please herself when she feels the urge.  It’s total freedom of female sexuality and expression. 

She gets to wear anything she wants, around the house, or out of the house, often, acting single, while keeping her submissive as her owned monogamous pet. She can choose monogamy too, the choice is hers. She understands that he gets no say in her sex life, ever, unless she gives him a say. But, she gets total say in his sex life. He may never even get an erection without her permission. He may never touch his penis ever again without her permission. Or he may be tied down any time the cage comes off, if it comes off. 

His ass is hers to smack, spank, or enjoy with a strap-on, anytime. He gets no say in that either. His body is her amusement park, and the sheer joy that she can have exploring his body, even with just her hands and nails, while he squirms can be a delight few women have ever known. She also gets to dress him however she wants to dress him.  Many women love feminizing a male because it turns him into one of her accessories, in the same way she once played with dolls. It’s incredibly fun to dress a submissive up and put her personal touch on him, and always have him wearing what she wants. He is hers to own, and he will look owned by her. He gets no say in that, except in vanilla situations that may call for a more masculine look. 

But the most interesting part about it, is that vanilla life becomes the play, it is no longer the serious formal identity it used to be, for either of you. You are dominant and submissive, that’s who you really are, and even in the vanilla world, there is that knowing of who owns who. Her ownership of him will always be the forefront of his world, and it will always be her expectation, that he is at her feet on demand, at any time.

The beauty of dominance is that expectation. The expectation that he will endure any and all kinds of sexual tease, that he will give up all sexual rights of his body, and be hers entirely. He accepts her as the authority and as the key to his sex life, and may remain without sexual release for weeks or months or years. His sacrifice is never ignored by her, but accepted with love, and enforced with her power and dominance. She will make sure that he always honors his submission to her by remaining strict. 

The beauty of dominance means she never has a worry, fear or doubt about him ever again. This will cause a huge surge in her own confidence as a woman, if she hasn’t discovered her dominance before. Once she has that confidence, she is geared to live the best life she can possibly live, with her submissive loyally at her side, supportive of her decisions, and always helping her succeed. In return, she is his structure in life, she is the missing piece of the puzzle he has always needed, the purpose he has always longed for. That’s the beauty of dominance.

Teach Him!

One very interesting aspect of a FLR, and in particular, of submissive males, is that they are eager to please. Submissive males want to please, it makes them feel good to give pleasure.  Especially sexual pleasure, but it doesn’t have to be sexual. They will happily clean the bathroom just to be told they’re a good boy, and win approval or brownie points toward a possible release from chastity. However, most submissives males, while eager to please, are quite clueless on how to go about it. They want to please her their way, in any way they know how. A smart submissive understands he must not only be eager to please, but also, eager to learn. 

Lets face it, most males in general, are terrible at eating pussy. If she isn’t on her back shuddering, and grabbing his hair and pulling him closer, moaning while she does it, he’s not doing a good enough job. As his dominant, never be afraid to speak up about it from the get go. Tell him exactly how you want him to improve, tell him what techniques work and also tell him to be creative.  When you don’t know what’s coming, sometimes that can bring very intense orgasms. So a sudden change in tongue pattern, or a finger at the right time can make all the difference in the world.

Remember that his orgasms depend upon the quality of your orgasms, so he has every incentive to please you the right way. Give him lots of opportunities to practice, that’s the beauty of having a submissive in the first place, he’s always ready and eager for you. You can quickly teach him to be an oral expert, even if it was an awkward road to getting there, submissives learn quickly if you’re dedicated to teaching them. Before long all you will have to do is lay back and relax while he goes to town, and that’s how it should be. Your pleasure should always be his only focus, that’s just the nature of the relationship. 

Don’t just stop at oral though, and especially not at just eating pussy. Keep him chaste long enough, and any inhibitions he ever had about eating ass will disappear like they never existed in the first place. Of course, be healthy about it, but not shy!  Teach him how to best perform oral on both areas simultaneously, so that when you’re in the midst of cumming, your back door is being pleasured as well, sending you to new heights of orgasmic bliss. Then you can have him orally service you anywhere, any time you please, and be an expert at it. 

But don’t just stop there, teach him so much more, teach him, how to give you massages, feet, back, sensual, soft, with / without oil... Whatever it is you prefer. With tongue, without tongue. Hands only, or tongue only... You get to customize how  and what he learns. Teach him to pamper you. Teach him what lotions do, moisturizers, and creams. Teach him to shave you, paint your nails, give you a pedicure. Teach him that your femininity is his priority. And don’t let him ever avoid your period, show him everything about it, teach him how to use a tampon, show him the blood. Get him so comfortable with your period that he never shys away when you talk about it. So that, he can provide you emotional and physical support when you tell him you’re on it. Even to the point where, he knows your cycle as good as you do, and anticipates the little things before it even starts. Teach him everything about you, he’s your submissive, you are his priority, so don’t ever let him get away with slacking off, or avoiding one thing but not another. Teach him so much, that, he is your rock, your confidant, your safe haven, your support, your security, your trust, and your love. Then be all those things for him, because you value his submission to you, and cherish the gift that it is.

The Strap On

One of the biggest kinks in a FLR is the strap on. There are many reasons why they’re so common and popular. They benefit both partners equally in different ways making it the perfect sex toy to have in your kinky collection.  However it goes beyond simply being a sex toy, as a strap on can have huge psychological effects as well as physical.  It can really enhance the D/s dynamic because its the perfect tool for role reversal. 

When a strap on is combined with chastity, some real magic can happen between partners.  The longer he is chaste, the more likely he is to crave some sort of anal play, as his prostate gets bigger and more sensitive, craving any kind of stimulation. Even if he doesn’t crave anal play, it is actually healthy for him to have the prostate stimulated, during long lock ups, so it’s for his own good anyway!  This is why a strap on can be so much fun.  He either craves it, or it is humiliating to him, or both!  

This is perfect for a domme as well, as she gets to discover the power of having a penis between her legs, and his moans of pleasure or discomfort, as she begins to thrust into him. This alone, can be an extremely high level of power exchange and very erotic for her. She can take him with her strap on until he is whimpering horny and deep in sub space. There are no concerns about him cumming from the strap on, because this generally requires a lot of time and concentrated effort and technique to achieve. It is possible, if that is what she wants, but she has full control over that. Leaving him horny, makes for an eager tongue after she is finished taking him with the strap on. A tongue in which, she is equally eager for!

The strap on is much more fun than simply just bending him over, there are many ways in which a strap on can be used, which can make it a symbol of her dominance over him.  Often, a strap on is bigger than his penis, and she can tease him about that, saying her cock is bigger than his, while taking him with it.  Or for even more fun, she could allow him to wear it over his cage, and allow him to have intercourse with her using it. Since its bigger than his own penis, she can tease and say how much better it feels.

She could even go so far as to name her cock, and have her sub respect it, by cleaning it after use. Or sucking it to lube it up. Just looking down into his eyes can give both partners a power exchange rush that creates a strong erotic charge.  She can also make him practice his sucking techniques, if she plans on bringing other males into the relationship at some point. Once she has named her strap on, her submissive will have to worship it in the same way he worships her body, because it’s her cock. The psychological effects this can have, can send him deep into subspace, and she can keep him there. 

The strap on can also come in very handy as a punishment. Sometimes a submissive just needs a good hard strap on session, ordering him to get the strap on, and bend over on command, can be a powerful technique. Taking him with it often, even when he’s not in the mood, will help him adjust his behavior to understand, it’s not his bum, it’s hers. His resistance to it, will soon drop away, and the strap on will become a symbol of her power. 

Perhaps eventually, it may be the only way he is allowed to cum.  This can be common if she likes to feminize him, he can literally become the female in the relationship, and cum from anal only, while still caged. There’s so many possibilities with the strap on, including attachments that can provide her stimulation while using it making it even more fun.  It’s just one more tool in the femdom box, that she can use to completely dominate and own her submissive in all the ways she’s always wanted.  It is all about her, after all.

[straightlikewetspaghetti]

Detective, Stripper and Executioner

Pairings:

Main: Poppy x MC (Bea Hughes)

Secondary: Veronica x Zoey, Ina x MC (mentioned)

Warnings: Mature themes, mention of death

A/N: I wrote this after I hit my head, so don't mind me 🙈

The sun was already going down to let the moon shine in the sky, when Bea Hughes threw out a still smoldering cigarette on one of the city streets.

"I thought you quit."

The brunette turned at the sound of a familiar voice and saw her best friend and partner she could only dream of, smiling in her direction. She and Zoey were practically an inseparable duo after they graduated and lived together for a short time.

At the police station, they were second to none.

Zoey, was the best at talking and getting information, even the toughest guys are no match for her charm and cunning. Bea, on the other hand, was the complete opposite of her partner: cool and composed, with a hint of madness that was her ace up her sleeve.

Everything changed after a certain event that shook Bea's world and made her resign from the service for some time and completely cutting herself off from public life. The situation was so dramatic that the woman even pushed away her best friend, whom she damn well needed at the time.

But Zoey understood.

She always knew that what brought the two of them together was stronger than titanium and that they would always find a way to get back together. She loved her like sister and couldn't imagine life without Bea's sarcastic and cold comments.

"Because I dropped it." the brunette shrugged her shoulders, a smile visibly pulling at the corners of her mouth, just as a pleasant feeling grated on her heart. "On the ground, didn't you see?"

Zoey couldn't hold it in and laughed ruefully. Bea wasn't entirely sure if it was from her idiotic joke or just the fact that they were finally seeing each other. It had been a long time since she had felt such inner peace and happiness as she did now, listening to the black-haired girl laugh.

"Zoey, it's really good to see you." she walked up to the woman and gave her a friendly hug, letting the contact last minimally longer than usual.

"I wish the situation was different." the black-haired woman sighed deeply and her cheerful expression changed to one of clearly painted fatigue, which didn't escape Bea's attention as she nodded thoughtfully.

It wasn't until she got closer that she could see how big the bags under her eyes were and how much her eyes had lost their natural youthful glow. Bea felt guilty that because of her, Zoey was sure to have a lot more work to do, which even aged her mildly in appearance.

Bea is not the emotional type, but she was really worried about her friend.

"Detective Hughes, Wade." a feminine authoritarian voice interrupted their conversation and both women visibly tensed. Zoey straightened immediately as Bea slid her hands into the pockets of her coat. This is going to be good.

A woman with light brown hair and skin as white as milk, whose beauty rivaled that of many goddesses, walked toward them. The way she walked exuded power and dominance, making the heads of onlookers automatically turns in her direction. Everything from her feet to the top of her head had to be perfect.

“Chief Kingsley! How nice to see you." despite the cheerful tone with which Zoey spoke those words, the note of sarcasm was impossible to miss. The black-haired woman shifted from foot to foot, visibly troubled by the presence of the third woman.

Bea only watched Ina with cool, calculating eyes, who did not even take her eyes off her from the beginning. The woman hadn't changed since the last time they'd seen each other, and that was when the brunette had the opportunity to get to know her up close. Very close.

To this day, the scent of Ina's perfume could be smelled on her bed sheets.

She cringed as inappropriate memories began to flood her consciousness, stimulating something in her that she didn't want. There was no time for weakness in the workplace and women and romance were the worst of them.

"Who's the victim?" she asked once she was sure her voice wouldn't break under the strain of the very upsetting emotion that like a virus, had seeped into her system and was slowly wearing it out.

"Ford Tuantie, 28, single with a definite overactive sex life. He was strangled."

Another female voice interjected before Ina had time to say anything and the startled women flinched at the sound of it.

"Jesus!" Zoey was horrified, jumping away from the woman kneeling on the ground. "You should walk with a bell around your neck!" How long have you been here?" she asked surprised to see Veronica carefully scanning every last detail of the victim's body, furrowing her brows every now and then in wonder.

Veronica Lombardi was one of the best pathologists in the entire country. Her work ethic was as impeccable as the room she worked in. Her only flaw was her sharp temper, which she considered her greatest asset and source of pride.

The only person who was able to bend her was Bea. Though lately, Zoey's been doing it. On many levels.

"All the time, that's the job." she shrugged her shoulders without taking her eyes off the victim. "You'd know if you were doing yours properly." She added teasingly, winking at the woman. A red blush of embarrassment spread across Zoey's face.

Ina grunted loudly, visibly annoyed by the spectacle.

She stepped between the two women and focused her attention on Veronica, who made no secret of the fact, that she would be most happy to ignore her. "You mentioned about a sex life?"

Bea moved away a piece further, dragging an even redder Zoey with her to question potential witnesses to the incident, leaving the two women alone with each other. The tension between them was highly visible. Anyone who worked with them knew, that Ina and Veronica together, were only good at jumping down each other's throats.

"The man lying here is a perfect example of why I prefer women." she said proudly, tilting her head slightly to the side and tucking the genetic sample into a container.

"To the point, Lombardi." Ina snorted visibly disturbed by her subordinate's unnecessary comments.

"Of course." Veronica rolled her eyes discreetly. "I found several sachets of condoms in his pockets. In addition to the strangulation marks on his neck, there are visible scars on his body from fingernails, rather feminine if I may add." seeing the chastising gaze of her superior again, Veronica only sighed.

Ina nodded and walked around the man's body looking for any particular clues, but was unable to see anything special.

"He still had this in his pocket." Veronica carefully handed the woman a crumpled paper, which when unfolded turned out to be a flyer for an exclusive adult club in a nearby area.

After a brief examination, Ina nodded in acknowledgement and approached Zoey, who was talking animatedly with the witness, almost giving the impression that she was flirting with him.

"Wade, you and Hughes go to the strip club where our victim was last seen alive." just as Veronica had earlier, the woman held out her hand with the flyer and showed it to the black-haired woman, who scanned it with a sharp eye in a flash.

Zoey's eyes lit up and she had to concentrate hard not to show her superior how happy she was to be going to such a club. There's rarely time to relax in a job like this, so every opportunity like this is worth its weight in gold.

Plus, sexy women.

"Oh god, stop drooling already Wade." Ina crossed her arms over her chest, chastisingly looking at the woman standing in front of her. She never would have expected to be assigned a bunch of kids like that. "Pathetic." she chuckled as she walked away, leaving Zoey alone with herself.

***

"You'll like this." Zoey said excitedly, parking the work car in front of the large building from which the hushed rumble of music could be heard.

"A strip..." Bea said grimly as she turned her attention to the large led sign with the outlines of a cocktail and a naked woman. "Club." she finished looking towards her partner, who was looking impatiently at the large door leading to the supposed paradise.

"Well don't tell me it won't be interesting!" Zoey darted out leaving the dazed brunette behind and without looking back, disappeared into the fog and the glow of dim red lights.

Bea didn't like places like this; loud, overcrowded and dripping with visible sexual tension. The music rumbling in the distance made her slightly dizzy, and the thick fake fog floating around, limited her vision.

It was distracting, and the last thing she needed was trouble focusing on her work.

Having trouble finding her partner, Bea leaned against the nearest pillar and scanned her, surroundings once more, this time more calmly. Her gaze stopped on a single dancer who, for some reason, particularly caught her attention.

The woman's cascade of blonde hair glinted in the muted red light, imitating as if sparks were dancing between the strands. She wore a carnival mask over her face, but Bea was sure she was the most recognizable figure here. Her shapely body bent to the rhythm of the music, intimidating everyone who looked at her with its divinity.

In front of the stage was quite a large crowd of fans, who surprisingly were able to stand on their own feet.

As if sensing the brunette's gaze on her, the woman raised her head, crossing their gazes: hers mysterious and inviting, Bea's cool but excited.

The blonde winked flirtatiously, definitely sensing how Bea was responding to her hypnotic hip movements, which, accompanied by slow, sexual music, were impossible to look away from.

A slightly out of breath Zoey interrupted their moment, as she shielded her view of the stage and made Bea snap out of her strange trance.

"We're looking for a dancer nicknamed Queen B. Blonde hair, mostly performs in pink lingerie and a tiara on her head. She's supposedly very popular here, so I think we'll have no problem finding her."

"Not even a little bit." whispered Bea, who, without saying anything else, began to head towards the stage where the woman they were looking for had just danced. A strange feeling of indefinable excitement grew in Bea with every step, that brought her closer to meeting this mysterious Queen B.

As she walked backstage, a sweet rose scent hit her nostrils, enveloping her senses and making her slightly dull. How long had it been since she had smelled such a sexy feminine perfume? And how long had it been since the last time anyone had affected her in any way other than repulsive?

"I knew you'd come here." an especially lowered female voice echoed through the room, causing the women's heads to immediately turn in its direction.

From a distance Queen B was phenomenal, but up close she was arousing feelings of such intense lust in Bea, that she had not yet felt with any other woman. She almost felt guilty. Almost.

Zoey looked questioningly at her partner, but when she looked away, she smiled in understanding. This would be fun to watch.

"I'm detective Hughes, and this is detective Wade." she nodded in Zoey's direction, trying to ignore with how much curiosity the blonde's eyes were skimming over her body. "We're here to ask about your yesterday's client, a certain Ford Tuantie."

The blonde mused for a moment tilting her head to the side and revealing a piece of her slender neck. If Bea could read women's language, she would have thought she was doing it on purpose to distract her.

"Ah yes, Ford." she began, completely changing her tone of voice to a more formal one.

She stretched out in one of the comfortable looking pink couches and indicated to the others to sit too. Without a word of objection Zoey and Bea complied with the woman's silent request and followed suit, occupying the sofa next to her. The blonde seemed very pleased with herself for some reason, but her face became formal again.

This woman's ability to change her emotions was remarkable.

"Ford and a couple of his colleagues were popular VIPs here. From what I recall, they even formed a club for themselves." the woman shifted her leg over and clenched her thighs together, absolutely certain that Bea would take notice.

She wasn't wrong.

"When was the last time you saw him?" asked Zoey, noticing how Bea was focused on everything else but the blonde's words, which was totally unlike her.

But that was the truth. Bea watched diligently as the woman's full and seductive lips spoke words, whose meaning didn't even reach her in the slightest. It was like a charm had taken hold of her, and she didn't want to look for an anti-spell.

How many lonely nights had it been?

"Today he was here for a while. As I think about it now, he was clearly arguing with one of the members of this club of theirs. It almost would have come to hand-to-hand, but the security here is very good. Nothing goes unnoticed here." again that cursed wink, as if the last part of her statement, was specifically directed at Bea.

"The bartender can tell you more, he heard the whole incident and I don't like to gossip. I'm a fan of discretion." a flirtatious smile, flutter of eyelashes. Women who know how their charm works on others, are damn dangerous.

Zoey nodded and rose first from the couch. "We'll contact you if we have any other questions, thank you." without looking back the woman left the room. Her behavior worried Bea, who saw the strange look Zoey gave the two of them, before she disappeared back into the depths of the club.

Bea moved to follow her, but something stopped her. Obviously.

"Detective?"

She closed her eyes taking a deep breath. How could one stupid word she said, have more of an impact on her, than her entire previous relationship? She clenched her hands into fists feeling the blonde's gaze burn a hole in her back, but said nothing, waiting for the other to continue.

A strange silence descended on the room, not even drowned out by the rumbling music from the main room and the whistling of the men. At this point, the two of them were in a completely different reality, which was even more dangerous than coming face to face with a murderer. Or rather, that's how Bea felt when she began to hear the clatter of heels heading her way.

She turned on her heel and immediately her neck was encircled by the blonde's arms, which clung to the brunette's stiff body. Fortunately, Bea had her poker face trained, so when she looked down at the satisfied blonde, her expression betrayed no emotion, not even the slightest.

"I'm here almost every day." she muttered and her hot breath brushed against the brunette's neck, a pleasant lightning bolt coursing through her body.

Bea had to use all her rationality to disentangle herself from her embrace and move away, instead of pressing into her inviting lips. She momentarily felt the absence of this woman at her side. She cursed in her mind at her weakness. She was acting like a horny teenager.

Queen B rolled her eyes playfully and bit her lower lip. Now she looked like a child, who was trying with all its might to solve a mathematical equation on its own, but no matter how much it wanted to, it couldn't. After a few moments, her face clouded over, which completely knocked her out of her character.

"Be careful, Detective Hughes. There's more going on here, than you think." was it possible that worry was painted on her face?

"What do you mean?" she asked, but the woman's face returned to its previous flirty expression and Bea knew she wouldn't get her answer, and she didn't have time to force it.

Turning around, she walked out of the room this time, squinting to find Zoey. She didn't spot her anywhere so she figured the black-haired girl would be waiting for her outside.

When she emerged from the club the moon was already towering in the sky and the air was cool and refreshing.

Zoey leaned against the hood of the car, moving her leg every now and then as if in nerves. She looked mightily pissed off and Bea was sure it was her behavior, that had caused the black-haired girl to be in this state now. If she had heart, it would have broken in half at the thought of the conversation, that was probably about to take place.

"Damn it Bea!" irritation in her voice was definitely noticeable. "Get a grip on yourself, you're a detective, not a frisky teenager! People's safety is in our hands!"

Jealousy?

"I know I acted unreasonably, which could have affected our investigation, I really do." Bea said cautiously, but the trigger had already set off much earlier and steam was almost coming out of Zoey's nostrils. There were moments when the black-haired woman scared her to the core and right now, the brunette would most like to hide inside her four walls.

"You don't know shit Bea..." in the blink of an eye her voice went to the verge of crying, as if all the negative emotions that had been accumulating during their separation had just exploded and pierced the fake facade of her composure. "That day, you weren't the only one who lost someone. I lost someone too." tears began to drip from Zoey's eyes, which Bea felt like wiping away, but she didn't move. "My best friend."

Those words hit her right in the feels.

"Zoey..." Bea said her name in a pleading tone, which worked the other way and upset the black-haired woman again.

"I don't feel like talking to you anymore tonight." those were the last words Bea expected to hear. She had an incredible urge to run up to her, hug her and apologize for all those moments of separation, but she respected her too much to invade her space

As the black-haired woman approached the car the deafening silence was pierced by a terrible bang, followed by Zoey's body falling to the ground, motionless, with a loud thud.

"Zoey!"

[krovav]

07•07•16💉// 06•18•18 🔪

5 years on Testosterone // 3 years post-top

----

[he/him] | Instagram

Ok, full disclosure, it feels so bizarre to be at this point in my transition. It took me a while to get HRT, and even shortly before I started testosterone, I was half-convinced I would never manage to get to even 1 month, let alone 5 years.

I figured I would take some selfies with facial hair for this milestone because I hardly ever show any of the hair growth I got from T—largely because I'm not a fan of it, but I think these came out nicely.

[CW: dysphoria, suicide ment. etc from this point on]

Transitioning has been a bit of a rollercoaster, but definitely one of the best decisions I've made in my life. While I still have my struggles, I have never been more at home in my own form than I am now.

Lately I've been thinking a lot about my identity, and some of the final puzzle pieces of "self" have been falling into place. I have always been a very feminine person; I do not fit the mold of trans guy who did all the "boy" things as a child. I was stone-cold serious about my dolls, I regularly got mani-pedis, I wore dresses and heels as if they were a second skin.

That changed dramatically when I hit puberty and the dysphoria (tm) started to set in, and suddenly I was overcompensating with hypermasculinity. Masculinity was my armor, the only thing keeping away the suicidal storm cloud invading my brain at all times. I didn't care if I hated how I looked if it meant that a cashier every so often would call me "sir".

But that was the most stifled time of my entire life. Not only was I lacking the knowledge that trans people existed and so also lacking the ability to define my own experiences, I was in turmoil over the clash of my interests and my need to feel "like a man". Sexism is a hell of a drug.

I've been working for years to shake off the chains placed on my self-expression by society's definition of being a man. I would tell myself that, sure, I wanted to do x thing, but if I do that, I'll never pass. And, sure, T and top surgery would magically make it so that I always pass, as long as I follow all these strict rules and never enjoy my life ever again. Passing is very much presented as the end-all-be-all to transitioning, so it's understandable that many trans people, myself included, have little set as a higher priority than being the "most" of their given gender.

But the reality of my transition has been that I don't always pass, even when I'm performing masculinity to the nth degree, because everyone (particularly uninformed cis people) has their own idea of what women and men are "supposed" to look like. And for a while that really plagued me. I was so happy and fulfilled with the changes I was seeing, I felt so much less dysphoric, so why were other people still seeing me as female? And that would push me further into feeling the need to be masculine, and over and over again I would just have it confirmed that I needed to work harder to be seen as a guy. That the dysphoria I was going through was somehow my fault for not working hard enough to pass.

What I've realized over the course of a year or so has been that it isn't and has never been my job to validate my identity to other people. If I'm making myself happy, if I'm relieving my own dysphoria, it does not in any way matter that some random person at the grocery store thought my long hair equaled girl, or that I get stared at in public restrooms, or that other people find it awkward when they get my pronouns wrong.

It is my job to take care of myself. It is my job to wear things that make me feel good about myself, either because they are simply comfortable or because I love the way they look. It is my job to make myself happy.

It is my job to learn to cope with my dysphoria in whatever way works for me, and to never let someone who doesn't even know me dictate who I should be to be valid as a man. I know who I am, and I always will.

Anyway, if you want to throw some spare change my way, it would greatly help me achieve my next transitional step (getting a hysto). I will link some payment options below, but even if not, interacting with my posts helps too.

https://ko-fi.com/nekromancy

https://venmo.com/krovav

https://cash.app/$Krovav

[rotationalsymmetry]

re: society doesn't want you to be a different kind of queer

I guess? I mean, I'm on the same page as this person in terms of conclusions, that broad umbrellas and having a live and let live attitude within the community are good.

That's not how I get to the conclusion though. Where I'm coming from is, there's no intrinsic virtue or positive aspect to bucking societal norms. What is valuable is authenticity, following your own inner light or the beat of the different drummer or what have you. And some people's inner drummer happens to be beating out the same rhythm as society's drummer, that's just how it is, and that's fine. Trying to create some sort of reverse societal pressure, some pressure to be non-conforming for the sake of being non-conforming or as queer as possible for the sake of being as queer as possible (rather than because you find that intrinsically satisfying and rewarding, rather than because that's the kind of queer that you are) just doesn't really make sense.

As a bi "woman", it would be inauthentic for me to act like I'm not into women, and it would be inauthentic for me to act like I'm only into women (or... uh, waves hand, women and whatever subset of nonbinary people would come across as "not straight"), both of those would involve pretending my sexual and romantic and "who I'm interested in re: partnering up" orientations are other than what they are.

As a gender non-conforming and non-binary/genderqueer person (who generally gets seen as female), I feel like I'm putting on an act when I perform a certain level/type of femininity, and I prefer not doing that when I can get away with it. At the same time, if I was living as a completely gender conforming man that would also feel like an act. My authentic place shows up oddly, in clashing gender signifiers and contradictory vibes. I had my hair short for a few years and am growing it out, and I'm struggling with how to look and feel the way I want to without the masculinity that short hair gives me. Because yes, of course men can have long hair, obviously, but also, so much of how my body is shaped reads as feminine unless I actively work against it, and I want to have long hair in the way that a man has long hair, not in the way that a woman has long hair. In the same way that when it's short I want it short and masculine in the way that a woman has short, masculine hair, not in the way that a man has short, masculine hair. (Even if the haircut itself is not any different. A man's haircut on a man's body reads differently than a man's haircut on a woman's body, usual caveat that of course "man's body" here is short for how other people interpret that body because if you're a man your body is by definition the body of a man, etc etc.)

And while gender and orientation are a relatively, sort of, in the headlines (trending on twitter) way of exploring and expressing the authentic self, they are of course not the only ways, and there's how do I express happiness (I smile too broadly and I flap my hands) and there's how do I express affection and there's what kinds of relationships do I seek out and when do I say what I really think and feel and when do I hide that behind a mask of "I know this is what you want to see so here it is." There's being up front about my mental illness struggles, or not. There's how I talk about my chronic illness, or not, how I talk about money, or not, what I am and am not willing to do to come across as a friend-shaped person, what I would or would not be willing to do to come across as an employee-shaped person if I was in fact still capable of holding down a job, etc. How I talk about my size, or not, and whether I dress to downplay my size. If I wasn't white and very mainstream in terms of ethnicity/culture/whatever, figuring out how to balance the tensions between what my culture wants me to be and what the mainstream society wants me to be would also be an authenticity thing.

When a person's authenticity is at odds with what mainstream society expects/demands of them, there is a price to being authentic, and many people find that they can't afford the price on every way in which their authentic self is not the mainstream ideal. We pick and choose, which is most important, how important, when to mask and when to not mask, which prices we are willing to pay.

And I don't actually want to deny that being a bisexual in a relationship that looks straight means I have different experiences, including less direct discrimination and harassment (less overt price) than people who are in relationships that are visibly queer, and I don't want to deny that being white and speaking English fluently and having "this person is well-educated" signifiers and other class signifiers and so on, means that there's less of a price to other things like being fat and having a kind of whatever attitude towards how I dress. And I don't want to imply that that means that bisexuals in straight-passing relationships aren't "really" queer (not how it works actually?) or that white supremacy means the rest of this stuff is just not relevant in comparison or anything like that. It's a matrix (it's kyriarchy, but also I don't only want to see this through an oppression lens) and who we are isn't defined by our oppression but what political coalitions we form often is, and the overt price is often not the only price (if it was there would be no cost to staying closeted) and oh my goodness intersectionality is a thing it is so much a thing and solidarity is a thing and your struggle is my struggle and that's the whole point, isn't it? This is why we do big umbrellas and big tents, because more people = more power, because the prices we pay are connected, because maybe we can change the world rather than only ever changing ourselves to fit into a world that wasn't made for us.

[kyotakumrau]

ROCK AND READ 087 – interview with Kyo - part 1/3

A heteromorphic anatomy tract ~the meaning of the meaningless things~

sukekiyo, another project started in 2013 by Kyo from DIR EN GREY. In 2019 they released the new audio compilation INFINTUM, toured, played in Hong Kong, will be holding a countdown live, have already announced a new tour for February next year; even though they do things in their own pace they certainly leave an impression of being very active!

Using this opportunity we will look back at sukekiyo's path.

How did they start, what has changed in those 6 years, we will discover the whole story.

Interview: Yukinobu Hasegawa

Photos: Yosuke Komatsu (ODD JOB LTD.)

Hair: Kyo

Styling and clothes: DRESSEDUNDRESSED

translation: kyotaku (if you notice any mistakes or typos please let me know!😅)

－ I thought I won't be surprised anymore by your looks, but when I came to the studio during the photoshoot I was. Incredibly.

京 Really? The truth is I wanted to do it earlier, but the timing now ended up being perfect. It's a worldview not possible for DIR EN GREY, but I thought it's fine with sukekiyo.

－ Saying you wanted to do it from a way before, has this idea kept growing inside of you over time?

京 Earlier this year I had a show as sukekiyo at Nakano SUNPLAZA, we did a collaboration with the clothes brand DRESSEDUNDRESSED, clothes for this shoot come from them as well, we planned everything together, band member clothes, the performance of the 2 masked men who came on stage.

－ What was the origin of this idea?

京 I've been thinking for a long time that it's good love has many forms/shapes. There's not only love between man and woman, but love between two men, love between two women. This is really not relevant, love knows no gender. I've had this idea for a long time. And that's why I wanted to have a photoshoot in such clothes.

－ Is it different from the so called deviant/perverted world? In the past we have talked about your childhood (ROCK AND READ 002, 2003.10). In young age you had an accident that become something like a trauma that came from love, I can really feel the love is greatly present in your feelings.

京 It might be. Thinking globally it becomes more even for the queer folks. Japan is just behind. But comparing to 10 or 20 years ago [gender] is really irrelevant.

－ Even in Japan the term LGBT has become widely known a year or two ago.

京 That's right. I'm not gay, but I have nothing against gay people. Rather [gay relationships] always seem very beautiful. Feel pure. In sukekiyo usually I sing about many types of love. So I have really nothing against it.

－ It's been about 6 years since sukekiyo started in 2013. At that time I was also able to interview you, you've been holding this idea since 3 or 4 years ago, right? Have you also seen love as your theme that time?

京 No, it wasn’t that big yet. But there were also many poems as songs with the theme of love. This feels like going deeper, getting scattered in various directions.

－ I think you were often asked in interviews how do you compartmentalize DIR EN GREY when you started sukekiyo. At that time you've said that with sukekiyo you express the feminine side. Was femininity something you couldn't express with DIR EN GREY?

京 No, it's not like that. That can’t be split so perfectly. It just happens naturally because of the colors of each band or the atmosphere. I don’t mean to split it this way, but if DIR members have a certain aura and the songs have a certain atmosphere, the things I bring in or the things I express will also change certain way. So simply if the members are different my expression will also be different. The atmosphere that sukekiyo members have, the mood of the songs, the worldview, there are quite many things that naturally make me like this. With DIR it's a bit different. But now that's almost gone. Even one single sound like a guitar sound is totally different in DIR and sukekiyo, don’t you think? So it feels like it get split naturally.

－ The main style of DIR EN GREY's songwriting is to proceed by getting an idea from one band member and then do a catch ball exchanging arrangements between all of you. At the beginning of sukekiyo I heard that you had a method that as sukekiyo members Kyo would hit the idea he got inside of his head to Takumi who would then give it a shape. Has your desire to express the worldview that exists only inside of you gotten stronger?

京 No, it's not like that. I think about the worldview in both cases (bands). For example in DIR, I of course think about the lyrics, I thought about the music video for the recently released single The World of Mercy, about the worldview for the concerts, I think about the images that connect it all. It's not different for sukekiyo. Creating this kind of worldview, using this kind of images, I talk to the members about this some, when the music is ready and I sing, when we think about the images for the videos or the light used at performances, the worldview materializes more and more. At that time I explain more to the band members. That's why it's not like sukekiyo is only me. It's not a solo [project]. sukekiyo is a band [same as DIR].

－ There's no way to control everything with your own brain, do you give shape to your ideas and thoughts blending them with the ideas and thoughts from other members?

京 Of course. Talking about music I don’t like it when people refer to it as my solo. I love being in a band. If I did music solo it would be just singing with a guitar or with piano, I get that. But I love the sound of a band.

－ What's the reason for you to be so fixated about being in a band?

京 I simply like [the idea of the] a band. I've entered the world of music as a band member. There are many musicians, including my senpais, who were in bands and then started solo career just singing etc. But it just doesn't resonate with me. But I don't mind the artists who started as solo singers. I'm simply a type who constantly wants to sing in a band. I think people can try both. But I love being a part of a band.

－ We're talking about the permanent band members only, right?

京 Yeah, using support members doesn’t feel right to me.

－ One of the strong points of bands is constant changing because of the involved band members' motivation or the new ideas they bring in. The early stage sukekiyo came out with 'stateless' as a keyword regarding the music.

京 Yeah, we did.

－ Did all band members share this keyword?

京 In the past? Yeah. First, we had the idea to create something that doesn't exist yet, something new. This continues today as well, but we don't explicitly talk about it like 'something that doesn't exist yet!'. I add singing to the forming song, and layering the sound from all members we have a song. We are creating songs now too, and even now such things happen. I won't say more.

－ Do other members also feel different, do they throw themselves into sukekiyo bringing different ways of thinking?

京 I think so. I just happen to throw some ideas like the direction, what I want to do next, the kind of timbre. Everyone thinks about things properly.

－ The first sukekiyo's performance was in December 2013. I think there was considerable excitement about what will happen from the audience. When you stood then on the stage did any feeling inside started to spark or did something feel different than before?

京 I think the switch there is not different to DIR, I don't think about it. I usually hang out backstage until the last minute before the start of the show. I don't turn a switch in my mind or anything like that. It's like, when I notice [it already happened].

－ The live performance on stage is overflowing with sadness and melancholy instead of grotesque.

京 Ah, I'm not really aware of that. It's the power held by songs and lyrics. When I sing the melody and lyrics born from that music come out like that naturally. I really don’t have a switch inside my head nor I do something different [in both bands].

－ Is it because you go deep into the song? Are you not curious what did the men and women in the audience feel, what got conveyed to the audience when you perform like this?

京 Not at all, not even a bit. If I started to think about it, wouldn’t it become commercialized? Like it wouldn’t even have to be me? There are spectators, fans, in front of us (when we are on the stage), but I don't think they are people who want us to do what they want. Especially DIR and sukekiyo fans. I feel there are many people who like to see us doing what we like. Even if it wasn't like that I wouldn't care. I'm like that since way before (laughing). If there people were suddenly being 'do what makes fans happy', I'd be shocked as in '[after so many years] you want that NOW?' That's why I don't think about it.

－ And then you have another chance to express yourself. How does it feel when it (your idea) becomes the reality? For example, when someone is able to spit out the things that were accumulating inside, it feels almost like a purification.

京 True. But I have so many things I want to do. It's not like it's all used up with things I do with sukekiyo, not really.

－ I thought so. If I can say why, you are vigorously releasing new music and gradually you're becoming more and more borderless, the extend of your creative urge must constantly surprise even sukekiyo members. That's why I feel that as you get more chances to express yourself you get more and more stimulated.

京 If I get even more stimulated it would be bad (laughing). I, myself, am troubled. There's just not enough time. If I could do things without any restrictions I could go on endlessly. But sukekiyo members are really amazing too. Even without having a release date we have about 6 completed songs at the moment. The members are sending new songs in even as we are already working on some songs that don't yet have a proper release plan. Even during DIR tour some time ago when we were playing in Nagoya, our bassist, YUCHI, sent in a song. I was waiting for the arrangement of a different song from other members and I thought [the email] was that, but it was a totally new song. And that's how I was working on the temporary lyrics playing the song on the laptop in my hotel room in Nagoya, I recorded it using my phone and sent it to the rest of (sukekiyo) members. And that way we got another song. We work with this kind of attitude. All members work fast and are insatiable, I think they have many things they'd like to do. I get so much response from them, I respond as well. That way we keep making more and more songs.

－ That's the best possible situation for the band. When sukekiyo just started everyone seen you as a conceptual project.

京 That's true. I've been told that again and again , even when I said that's not the case.

－ Talking to you, it feels like sukekiyo can just do whatever you want really.

京 Yeah, there are no limits (laughing).

－ One of the reasons for being seen as a conceptual project is your performance. You have your fans attend in black clothing if possible. Currently you also play shows at the standing venues, but in the beginning at the seated venues were full of the atmosphere where standing up or making any noise was not permitted. Because of the solemn atmosphere it felt just like a funeral.

京 I think there were many artists until now that didn't allow talking during the concerts. But I haven't heard of anyone who would succeed in that for many years. It was something that I really wanted to do and I did. Feeling like a funeral feels like sukekiyo, personally I really love it. There's no need for any other sound than band members. We also try not to have anyone else on stage besides band members. Even if there's some trouble the members have to deal with it, there's almost no staff. I want to keep this core part important even from now on, but once in a while we step away from that and have shows when everything goes. Earlier, we did a show where it was okay to do anything, but fans were not moving. There were very few people who were singing, but it was mostly quiet. It was like 'ah, I see' (laughing). There are not many bands with so many rules like this, although I think it's fine to do it.

－As you have liked the unconventional drama and performers even before starting sukekiyo, and GENET from AUTO-MOD also came to see sukekiyo's performance, have you been mingling with artists in this field? Especially that you actually had some performances together.

京 Nah, I didn't know anyone from the theatre, I also haven't seen any of their plays. I like Banyuu-inryoku, but I don't watch [plays・other artists performances] as a reference or study. On the contrary I don't want to learn. In the concert there are feelings and atmosphere of that very moment, right? I want to actually express with my body what I feel at that moment; if I had studied and accumulated various knowledge it would remain in my head, ending as a make-believe/pretending. Actually, I don't even like the idea of doing something the same way after seeing something done naturally. I don't want to be tied by that. That's why I don't want to learn/prepare anything. I have things I like, but I don't look that deeply into it. Moving my body and singing freely, as naturally as possible, I always have this [mindset] inside of me. This is the same for DIR and for sukekiyo.

－ I see.

...to be continued😊 (part 2/3) (part 3/3)

[acedesigns]

A Beautiful Swordsman [FF7: Cloud/Reader]

A/N: I hope I did a decent job with this. My relationship with gender is complex, so I hope I didn’t cause any dysphoria with describing Cloud wearing a dress. Anyways, I headcanon Andrea as being gray-pansexual. So I kinda went with that.

And if you’re wondering what the hell is wrong with you, you have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. Welcome to my life.

Word Count: 2058

When you stood up everything cracked. It started at your ankles, somehow your shins, your knees, and hips. Of course, you couldn’t forget about the discs in your back popping. You rolled your eyes and moved forward, everything still clicking. At least nothing was dislocated this time.

“He’s here again!” you heard one of the honeybees whisper to another woman. You cringed, knowing it was Palmer. He had a habit of wanting to run around with a net to try and catch a honeybee. Luckily, all of the women had some training in self-defense and could easily outrun that creep.

“Oh! [Y/N]!” One of the ladies turned around when she heard you and shot you a soft smile. “Andrea wanted to see you!”

You frowned. “Is everything okay?”

“I think so, he didn’t really say.”

Sighing, you thanked the honeybee and walked off towards the back of the stage where Andrea typically kept rehearsing for different shows. Despite his flawless performances, he continued to push himself to perform bigger and riskier shows.

“Andrea?” you called out and noticed the man was stretching his legs.

He glanced over and smirked. “[Y/N], darling! There you are! How are you feeling?”

“Fine.”

“Is your shoulder doing better?”

“Yeah, I popped it back in. It’s not a big deal,” you shrugged it off. There was some inflammation, but it’d be gone tomorrow. It was a minor dislocation, after all.

Andrea sighed and shook his head. “Well, come now. I want you to come to the colosseum with me. I heard that there are a cute rookie mercenary and a beautiful young lady entering the fight.”

He walked past you and led you down the winding roads of Wall Market. It took you a while to get used to how many alleyways there were and which paths to take. Knowing which streets were dangerous also took a while. Luckily, people were almost everywhere but the alleyways that you had to squeeze into. It was really only those alleyways that were too terribly dangerous.

“Wait, is that?” a man questioned as he gawked at both you and Andrea. “Hey!” he shouted after you. “Why don’t you split your legs for me?”

You glanced at Andrea who ignored the man. Taking his lead, you also brushed off the crude catcaller. The people of Wall Market knew you as the very flexible dancer that could be in almost any position. Of course, if any of the other dancers tried to move the way you did, they’d end up severely injured.

Your hand rubbed into the knotting muscle of your opposing shoulder. You did sometimes end up injured with how hypermobile your joints were. And the more you hyperextended everything, the more everything hurt. But it made you one of the most requested dancers by both men and women that you had a waitlist almost as long as Andrea’s. And being the most requested dancers amounted to having a lot of money.

“So are you more interested in him or her?” you questioned and glanced at Andrea who chuckled lightly.

“It all depends, darling,” he mused. “Perhaps both.” You let out an undignified snort. Though, if anyone could court two people at the same time, Andrea could do it. But it was still rare that he ever took interest in someone, perhaps once every couple of years. Two people at once was a shock.

Once the two of you entered the colosseum, you skipped the lines and went into the reserved box for the trio. A few other bees were already there and pampered Andrea with attention once he took his seat. You stood behind Andrea’s chair and zoned out. These fights weren’t your favorite. Andrea knew that. But he also knew that if he didn’t take you here, you’d most likely further aggravate your injury at the Inn.

--

“[Y/N]?” Hello?” You blinked when Andrea was leaning down to your eye level with that ever-present smirk. “It’s time to go now, darling.”

“Oh, r-right. Sorry.” He waved off your apology and strolled out of the box. His long legs carried him towards the in with you close behind.

“Yo! Hot stuff!” a man called. A vice grip squeezed on your arm and yanked you back. A pop sounded from your arm. “What the hell?!

You clenched your jaw at the burning sensation in your shoulder and fought a scream in the back of your throat. Andrea swung around at the sound of the man screaming and saw the disfigured appearance of your arm with the man’s hand still holding onto you.

“Hey!” another voice sounded from behind you and the attacker was yanked away. With your arm now free, you let your hand hold onto your dislocated arm. You glanced behind you and saw a blond swordsman push your assailant to the ground. His eyes, that had a strange glow to them, met yours. “You okay?”

“Mhmm,” you nodded, not trusting yourself to actually say anything.

“Thank you,” Andrea stepped in. “You’re Cloud, aren’t you? If you have time, please, stop by Honeybee Inn. We’ll be expecting you.” Andrea turned towards you with a frown. “You are not dancing tonight, my dear. Let’s go get you fixed up.”

You simply hung your head in shame and followed him back. All the while, you worked on shoving your arm back in. It was a bad dislocation that would be inflamed for about a week if you were lucky. Once you were at the entrance, you finally managed to pop it back in.

“Shit!” you let out at the sudden pain. A tear fell from your eyes and your breathing quickened.

Andrea stopped and turned towards you. With a sigh, you pulled you close to hide you from prying eyes. “Just try to relax,” he soothed, knowing that the pain was starting to make you panic. “We’ll get you some ice.” He nodded his head to one of the men in the entourage who ran inside to grab the said ice. After a moment, he led you inside and took you backstage to rest.

“I’m sorry,” you said with a hiss when you rested the back of ice on your shoulder.

“Don’t be, that man had no right to touch you without your consent,” Andrea huffed. “If I had intervened, I could guarantee you he wouldn’t be getting up again.” You laughed lightly at the thought, knowing it was true.

“Thanks, Andrea.”

“Of course, no one disrespects my dancers,” he said with sincerity.

You smiled up at the man. “What are you going to do about the show since I’m out?”

A mischievous spark flashed across his eyes and he snapped his fingers. “I think I have just the idea! I heard the fighters were trying to get into Corneo’s audition. Madam M is taking care of the girl. But I think I can get Cloud in as well.”

You raised an eyebrow. “They are actually willing to go into the audition? Are they crazy?”

“Not crazy. They’re trying to save their friend. Now! Since you’re not dancing, I need you to pick out a dress that would suit your hero, Cloud. I want to be surprised, so try to wow me.” With that, Andrea sauntered out of the dressing room to prepare for the show that evening.

With a sigh, you stood from the stool you were sitting on and moved towards the bag you brought to and from work. In it, was a series of braces and slings you had just in case something happened. With a grunt, you managed to fit your injured arm into the sling and slip the back of ice underneath the strap to keep it in place.

“Now, what dress would suit him?” you pondered and moved towards where all of the costumes were stored. His physique was smaller than Jules, so you couldn’t use any of Jules’s dresses. You’d probably have to go with one of the dresses that Andrea or one of the Honeybee men wore in the shows. But if you wanted Andrea to be surprised, it’d have to be one he hasn’t seen or worn before.

Your fingers swept through the fabric, looking for something that felt soft. Andrea was also always wowed by anything that shimmered under the light. It made the dancers look all that much more special. Your fingers paused on a dress and you pulled it out to examine it.

“Hmm,” you hummed at a blue and black dress. The top was a corset, that could make Cloud look like he had more traditionally feminine features. It had sheer sleeves that would show off his muscles, but Corneo did have a fetish for that. With a nod of approval, you went to grab some hair-extensions, a bow, and a necklace. The dress was long enough to hide his shoes. You weren’t sure if he’s ever walked in heals before and didn’t want this to be his first time.

--

You stood behind the stage and watched with mild amusement as the swordsman tried to leave. But once the men dragged him back, he sighed with reluctance. Andrea went easy on him and went with a famous dance, so Cloud should know the moves to it if he wasn’t leaving under a rock his whole life. You grinned as he was actually doing a decent job at hitting the moves at the right time. The crowd was going wild for him, too.

Andrea turned around towards Cloud and made a heart with his hands. “Honey, I’m in love!”

You chuckled to yourself and quietly murmured, “You’ve got some competition right here, Andrea.”

Then, it was the fun part. You handed off the dress and sat back as the honeybees did their work to make Cloud look fabulous. The women held out feathered fans to shield the audience of Cloud before twirling away to reveal how beautiful he truly looked.

Andrea looked at Cloud and glanced back towards where you were standing. He gave a nod of approval before twirling Cloud around to try and relax the swordsman’s nerves. Flares burst from the stage and the audience roared with approval. After a long, standing ovation, they all started to fill out of the theater and back towards the streets of the Wall Market.

“You were truly amazing out there, Cloud!” Andrea exclaimed. “You should consider joining our team when all of this is said and done.”

You quickly walked over towards the pair and examined the hairpieces and makeup for any imperfections. “I hope you like the dress!” you started and fixed a stray hair of his. He flinched back but allowed you to fix it. “Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he sighed and looked away with embarrassment.

You frowned. “What’s wrong?”

“What’s wrong?” His eyebrows furrowed towards one another in frustration. “I have to dress like this just to get into Corneo’s!”

“You look great!” Andrea reassured. “Besides, a dress is just a dress. Gender should not be assigned to clothes. Breakthrough those barriers, Cloud.”

“He’s right, but you should also dress how you feel comfortable. If you want, I can take you back and you can look and see if anything else would suit you better.”

“No, I just want to get this done and over with,” Cloud grumbled.

Andrea nodded. “I’ll take care of your weapons and clothes. We should also have Aerith’s and Tifa’s.” He looked over towards you. “I’m going to go and make a phone call.”

You nodded, knowing he was going to call Leslie. Looking back at Cloud, you gave him an encouraging smile. “Well, I guess you should get going. Kick Corneo’s ass for me, will ya? And as a thank you for that, and for helping me earlier, feel free to contact me whenever you need something. I’m pretty good at getting things that are in a weird place. Or if you just need someone to talk to.”

Cloud stared at you for a moment in shock. He looked away with what you could have sworn was a blush. “Right.” He turned around and began to awkwardly walk, trying to not step on the dress’s fabric. However, after a few feet, he turned back around to face you. “I think I might just take you up on that.”

With a sly grin, you waved off the beautiful swordsman.

[queerbreadcrumbs]

I wrote this letter to for when I eventually come out (:

To my loved ones,

I wrote this letter to explain something important to you, because I value our relationship and your support. I wanted to share with you that I don’t fully identify as the current gender I am recognized as. I’m non-binary. As such, from now on it’d be great if you could address me as “Rowan” rather than “*******” and use they/them pronouns for me. Obviously, I know that this will take some time to adjust to and I’m not expecting miracles, but genuine effort will mean the world!

I understand that this may be somewhat confusing, especially as you’ve all known me for quite some time. Over the course of this letter, I have included answers to the most common questions people have, as well as definitions and resources for further information. I’m also happy to answer any questions you may have regarding this insofar as they are respectful.

What does non binary mean?

-       Non- Binary or genderqueer individuals have a gender identity and/or expression that is neither man or woman. Some people are both, or are fluid in their gender identities or expressions and others are neither. In my case, it’s that I don’t identify particularly strongly with either gender. Most of the time I don’t feel like either a man or a woman, I just am.

Are you trans?

-       Well yes and no. Yes in the sense that I don’t agree with the gender assigned to me at birth, no in the sense that I have no desire to transition to male.

Do I have to do anything?

-       Not really! As I mentioned earlier, my name is now Rowan, and my pronouns are now they/them. So instead of saying something like “I like ******, she bakes really good cakes” or “****** left her coat here!” you’d instead say “I like Rowan, they bake really good cakes.” Or “Rowan left their coat here!” The only thing you really have to do is make a conscious effort not to use my old name and pronouns.

What are pronouns and why do you want new ones?

-       Pronouns are a group of words we use as short versions for nouns. The most common ones in the English language are she/her/ (feminine) and he/him (masculine). The singular form of these that isn’t gendered is usually thought to be “it/it’s” and personally I find this much more jarring in a sentence than they/them. Firstly, because it’s dehumanising. We tend to use the pronoun “it” when describing an inanimate object. “Look at that potato, it’s got eyes growing on it!” Whereas when describing a group of people, or someone whose gender you don’t know, the grammatically correct pronouns to give would be they/them. I don’t really know my gender, so I don’t expect you to figure it out through a complex use of English syntax. They/them, like you would use with any other unknown is fine.

-       This is something I want to change because people using she/her in reference to me makes me quite uncomfortable. When I am referred to as female it kind of feels like I’m an imposter or deceiving people in some way, like you’re seeing something that’s not there and that you’ll be cross when you find out I’ve been lying to you. I’d like to change my pronouns as I want to be honest with you all about who I am.

Why “Rowan”?

-       Rowan is a Gaelic name which comes from the Rowan tree. (Like the name Willow is after the Willow tree) In Scottish Gaelic it means “little redhead” and has always been a unisex name, although usually these days we see it more for boys than girls. I imagine most of you would immediately think of Rowan Atkinson. (Mr Bean, Blackadder)

-       I chose Rowan for a few reasons. Firstly because of its Gaelic origin and my desire to keep some connection to my Celtic roots. Secondly it sounds similar to ******* and has the same number of syllables which should help you when remembering to use it! Thirdly as those of you related to me directly will know, when those of us assigned female at birth (AFAB) reach a certain age our hair reddens before turning grey. As my hair has already started to pick this up, I thought a name meaning “redhead” was appropriate.

-       I wanted to change this because my given name is quite feminine and much like being referred to as she/her, being called ‘*******’ makes me feel very uncomfortable. You’d think being called it for 24 years would be enough to get used to it, but apparently not!

Why change this now?

-       I’ll admit that this all may be quite shocking or confusing to some of you. Please know that I have given this no small amount of thought. Accepting myself as I am has been a long and arduous process for me, so I understand if it feels like a lot for my loved ones too.

-       Looking back, it feels like I’ve had a difficult relationship with gender. As some of you will remember I was always a bit of a tomboy growing up. It took a long time for me to be comfortable wearing dresses.

-       As a teenager though, I began to face increasing pressure to be feminine, and was often called a lesbian for the way I chose to present myself. I had short hair and wore many a check shirt with doc martens. I loved it! Although, I did notice on the occasion I didn’t do this and presented in a more feminine way I was praised for this. People told me I looked nicer; people treated me better. The teasing stopped and I lived with less harassment which felt nice. Unfortunately, though I interpreted this feeling nice as enjoying being perceived as female.

-       I was still quite uncomfortable and some of my friends and loved ones picked up on this. However, I didn’t think it too important to question.

-       BUT NOT FOR LONG! Lockdown had a profound effect on me coming to terms with my gender. Because I wasn’t going anywhere, I no longer had to perform femininity. I just wore what felt good. I cut my hair really short and liked it! I was very comfortable with being at home, both physically and mentally.

-       However, when lockdown ended, I got a new job. I had to start performing again and the long hiatus made me realise just how uncomfortable I actually am being seen as a woman. The kids at school call me “miss.” I get called ****** constantly as people are trying to get my attention in the conventional way rather than just throwing things at me or just touching me like Tom does. Honestly, I hate it and it’s profoundly exhausting, which is why I’ve decided I want to live as Rowan.

-       Another thing that put all of this into sharp perspective for me was getting engaged. Don’t misunderstand, I love Tom more than anything in the world, and I still want very much to get married to him and for us to spend the rest of our lives together. I’m still very excited about our wedding! However, the language used to talk about weddings and engagements and the expectations surrounding them are very gendered! Words like ‘bride’ or ‘wife’ feel very strange and foreign when applied to me. As mentioned earlier though I don’t want to be a husband or groom either. I’m not sure there are alternatives for these words. I quite like how romantic “betrothed” sounds but I also don’t want to sound like I’ve just walked out of 1655.

-       Trying on wedding dresses was another huge hurdle for me. Part of it was my self-esteem issues and lack of confidence but everything I tried on made me feel like a fake, a failure. It being during times of COVID, I wasn’t permitted to take anyone with me to my fitting appointments. As such, I had these strange, unfamiliar saleswomen telling me I’d make a stunning bride and all such other nonsense while I felt just…wrong. At the time, I remember discussing it with my friends after sending them some pictures of me wearing wedding dresses. The words I used were “I felt like an imposter.” This is not just because I’m not used to wearing anything fancy. It’s because I’m not a woman. The clothes you wear on your wedding day are meant to make you feel fantastic, and I didn’t feel even comfortable in any of them, let alone fantastic. I have since purchased a dress to wear on my wedding day. It is simple, and I will style it to make myself as happy as I can be. I will still look like a “bride”. I’m just going to try to be as comfy as I can, reminding myself that clothes have no gender.  

What about clothes?

-       Typically, clothes are gendered. You walk into a shop and they usually have a men’s range and a women’s range. Because I am neither, I shop in both ranges!

-       I do also own a fair few dresses and skirts. This won’t change. Clothes have no gender. Traditionally yes, women wear dresses and skirts. But plenty of people who identify as men wear them and find them comfortable. Freddie Mercury, David Bowie, Harry Styles, Jayden Smith. These are all men, and yet they have all rocked skirts at one point or another. My wearing a dress or a skirt doesn’t make me any less non-binary as much as it didn’t make these guys any less of a man.

-       Furthermore, it wasn’t that long ago that trousers were deemed too masculine for women. However most modern women wear trousers, a lot of the time. Some of you are probably wearing trousers right now. Trousers have only recently begun to be considered neutral in our culture. Of course, it depends massively these days on the cut and the fit of them, but trousers can absolutely be masculine or feminine, just like me. I truly believe that one day skirts and dresses will become this neutral. They have been for a long time in Scotland.

-       In my mind this also explains why my personal preference for clothing has always been baggy and loose fitting.

Gendered terminology

-       As I mentioned previously when I talked about weddings, a lot of family language is heavily gendered. Son/Daughter, Husband/Wife, Niece/Nephew, Mum/Dad, Auntie/Uncle, Brother/Sister ect. Some of these words have gender neutral equivalents, and others don’t really. Where there is a gender-neutral equivalent, I would prefer it. Where there isn’t, I’m okay to be referred to as the female variant. For example, I’m fine being “Auntie Rowan”, “Dawn’s daughter[1]” or “Tom’s wife.[2]” But, I’d rather be Winnie’s parent than her mum, my Auntie’s nibling than her niece and Leanne’s sibling than her sister. If this sounds a little odd in conversation, and I’m sure it will do at first, you can say things like “My daughter uses they/them pronouns.��

So, are you “out, out”?

-       This letter is the start of my “social” transition. This is the part where the trans or non-binary person begins to live as themselves. As my close friends and family, I have chosen to share this with you first. As I live authentically, I want you to hear it from me, and have it explained by me rather than just stumbling across the fact I’ve changed my name on social media.

-       However, I’m not fully out yet. I’ve not yet informed anyone I work with or anyone in an official capacity, such as my doctor and I’m not using my new name legally just yet.

-       Please be mindful when discussing this with others that they may not be accepting. What matters is that you accept me. If you think telling a specific person might put me at risk, then don’t tell them.

-       If you want to discuss this with extended family that’s fine! 

More information

-       If you have questions that I haven’t answered here let me know and I’ll do my best to answer.

-       If you don’t feel comfortable asking me or just want more information on non-binary identities: - https://lgbt.foundation/who-we-help/trans-people/non-binary - https://gender.wikia.org/wiki/Non-binary - “A Field Guide to gender-neutral language” Shelley Roth (50p on apple books, or I could smuggle you a copy!)

In conclusion, I hope that you’re able to understand and support me in my coming out and coming to terms with my nonbinary identity, and that this doesn’t ruin, but strengthen our relationship. This has been very hard for me to share, but I’m ready to be my authentic self.  If you have any questions, feel free to contact me.

Yours,

*********

[1] Technically yes, Son/Daughter do have the gender-neutral variant of child, but It’d be kind of weird to call a 24 year old a child, so please don’t.

[2] I hate the word “spouse” it just sounds like “spout” and I’d rather be someone’s wife than someone’s spout any day.

[comrade-meow]

Sun Ra, the visionary and eccentric American composer, declared himself to be from Saturn. He was actually born in Alabama, but his claim to be an intergalactic traveller didn’t hurt anyone. Arguably such recreations are personal and sometimes, as was the case for Sun Ra, also political. It would’ve been quite clear to anyone that met Sun Ra that he was an earthling like the rest of us, and that his identity was inspired by his commitment to the black power movement.

It’s difficult to feel quite so magnanimous about comedian Eddie Izzard’s most recent announcement about his identity. On last Thursday’s Sky Arts programme Portrait Artist Of The Year the 58 year old comedian declared: “I’m genderfluid, I just want to be based in girl mode from now on.” Izzard then asked to be known as “she” or “her.”

Males become uberwomen when they play with the tools used to subjugate actual women

Izzard has long been a cross-dresser, and famously used to reject the idea that clothes ought to be gendered quipping, “they’re not women’s clothes, they’re mine.” But on Thursday the aging comedian appeared wearing a frock, some perky plastic boobs and pointy lace-up boots; apparently this was evidence of living in “girl mode.” As is now the form, Izzard was applauded for donning a “woman costume” and requesting female pronouns.

The idea of cultural appropriation, that is to say when someone from a privileged group adopts the attributes of a subordinated one, is beloved by the bien pensant. Guardian columns on the ethics of white people with dreadlocks are shared by those desperate to display their right-on credentials. And yet, curiously, when men appropriate the clothes that women are culturally expected to wear, they are celebrated as brave.

There is no fanfare for the women, in particular those of a certain age, who ditch hair dyes, make-up and heels. Arguably women who don’t care to sport the uncomfortable trappings of femininity could be deemed “non-binary” and yet they remain resolutely unfashionable. It seems men are able to break gender stereotypes by embracing them, the likes of Eddie Izzard strutting in heels are just so much more progressive than boring old vulva-owners in flat shoes.

Imagine, if you will, a world in which Katie Price was lauded as a liberal icon for having a boob job. Clearly, to undergo painful and unnecessary surgery Price must suffer from some form of body dysmorphia, and yet this marks her out for sneering ridicule by the very same voices that celebrated Caitlyn (nee Bruce) Jenner for having silicone implants. The new set of rules to accommodate men who identify as transgender are based on some fairly ancient misogynist tropes; males become uberwomen when they play with the tools used to subjugate actual women.

The reality of being a woman is reduced to a cutesy fantasy that can be slipped into like a bubble bath

Sun Ra did not adopt a new set of pronouns, nor were people who reminded him of his terrestrial origins at risk of arrest under hate crime legislation. It might seem mean-spirited not to use the preferred pronouns of someone who identifies as transgender, but it should be remembered pronouns do not refer to masculine or feminine behaviour, they demark sex. And furthermore, they are chosen by the person referring to the subject. Such linguistic choices are no longer a matter of free expression; the threat of legal action and social sanction are used to compel speech. Nonetheless, we are expected to believe that it is the gender fascists who are on the right-side of history.

Sun Ra chose an identity that was to him a logical extension of a political struggle, Izzard’s seems to be a stiletto-clad step towards reifying sexist stereotypes. The equation of femaleness with “girl mode” is revealing; the reality of being a woman is reduced to a cutesy fantasy that can be slipped into like a foaming bubble bath replete with flake. It is, as one might expect from a clueless man, a pornified and juvenile fantasy.

As a diminutive woman with a high-pitched voice, I would be taken more seriously if I had a “man mode.” Were changing “sex” as simple as new clothes and pronouns I would switch into “man mode” in order to walk home alone at night, my “man mode” would kick in every time I needed to assert myself. Indeed, with “man mode” deployed my right to express potentially offensive views in articles like this would be respected without the snide insinuation that I am cruel; an accusation frequently levelled at women who dare not to publicly care.

To most observers, probably even some of those who have publicly heaped him with praise, Izzard is a man with a fetish. Fetishes are compulsive, and they escalate; it is not unusual for men who get sexual gratification from cross-dressing to in due course declare themselves “transgender women.” Sexual arousal at the thought of oneself as a woman is what sexologist Professor Ray Blanchard calls “autogynephilia”, a term which he coined to describe “a male’s propensity to be erotically aroused by the thought or image of himself as a woman.”

In itself, there is nothing inherently wrong with having a fetish, whether one’s kicks are from wearing a gimp mask or a pair of lace-up high heels. If it doesn’t hurt anyone else, who cares? The problem is when others are made unwilling bit players in the psychodrama of the individual with a fetish.

Men like Izzard are no more female than Sun Ra was from Saturn

With exquisite concision, feminist scholar Professor Sheila Jeffreys dubbed transgenderism a “men’s sexual rights movement.” She posits that it is women’s subordinate social status that some men with masochistic tendencies find arousing. Far from being a progressive step toward breaking down sexist stereotypes, the thrill men gain from identifying as the other sex, whether by being in “girl mode” or having surgery, depends upon men maintaining their dominant status in society. In essence, male transgenderism is invested in the erotization of women’s subordinate social position; it is sexism on steroids.

Today, the law and civil society facilitate the delusions of fetishists, punishing those who refuse to accept a sexual performance as evidence of an individual’s true and authentic self. But ultimately men like Izzard are no more female than Sun Ra was from Saturn.

[sponsoredbyanxiety]

I was going to post this as a reply to a post I saw this morning, but it kinda morphed into its own thing and I didn’t want to derail an innocent Tumblr poster’s post with nonsense so...here’s my manifesto on Taylor Swift’s video “The Man”

My personal biggest criticism with "The Man" is more of a criticism of the industry and leans towards a Marxist-femminist one, but I think this is a good opertunity to talk about it.

Drag is impressive because it's easy and difficult almost simultaneously. It's crazy that Taylor can go from basically the feminine ideal to total bro with only makeup and prosthetics. It's why I love drag queens - like, I know you are a man, I've talked to you as a man, yet here you are looking so much like a woman any stranger wouldn't know the difference. It's so empowering from a queer perspective to show that the only difference between being perceived as a man or as a woman is a bit of blush and mascara.

Of course, "a bit of blush and mascara" is underselling the work drag performers and makeup artists, especially the ones on this music video, do. I'm confident the makeup on this video took hours. Talyor did not do that herself. Makeup artists did that. They spent a long time turning "Girl-Taylor" into "Boy-Taylor", and their work was so impressive that Taylor chose to profile them in the credits to her video. Credits which...only include her (and, okay, a VO from Dwayne Johnson).

It's not typical for music video credits to include makeup artists, but it is awfully ironic that Tayor chose to highlight the work of artists (usually female artists - hair & makeup, as well as the art department more broadly, is one of the only fields in video production where the leads are disproportionately female) over credits listing Taylor, Taylor & Talyor.

Not only is Taylor obscuring these artists's existence in the credits, but she's probably also legally preventing them from even acknowledging that their labor made the video possible. While it's not quite industry standard among smaller artists yet, it's been increasingly common in the last few years for the big artists to request that music video crew members sign NDAs promising not to speak to the press or on social media about their involvement in projects like this. While that prohibition makes sense before the release of the video (to prevent spoilers/the surprise drop), these NDAs specify that crew members are never allowed to speak about working on set - even if they only want to say it was a positive experience. Like CIA rules - pretend you never worked on this video. Fine for breaking the NDA can be MILLIONS OF DOLLARS.

If you don't sign the NDA, you don't get the job, and if you don't get the job, you don't get rent money this month, and the producer won't hire you on their next project because you are being difficult, and your agent will drop you for not making them money, so you won't be able to find other producers to work for. You have no choice but to pretend you don't exist.

Working in music video production means 12-16 hour days in the most expensive city in the United States for barely enough money to live. Each job is about 3-7 days of work at a time, maybe more if you do pre-production, and you are constantly looking for more jobs because, as I said, one job isn't even one week of work. Many people who work in production have told me they will not do music video work ever again because it is hell - but many others don't really have a choice. Uber-low budget films that don't pay the cast and crew will offer "copy, credit, and meals" - music videos, while paid work, do not even offer credit.

This is the ultimate alienation of labor. You ever hear an old autoworker point to a rusted yet still running Ford at a gas station proudly say "We built that, the car still runs because of our craftsmanship"? People naturally take pride in their work. It's hard not to. Yet some music video artists are technically not supposed to even post "look at this video I worked on!" to Facebook. Granted, positive social media posts usually escape legal attention when they do happen, but I’ve heard of crew members getting blacklisted for talking too much.

Working in music video production disempowered me so much it contributed to my two suicide attempts within the span of a month last year. It's not a problem exclusive to Taylor Swift, but it's certainly not one she has done anything to dismantle (and one that she has helped make worse). If you enjoyed any of the projects I worked on at that time (which I will not list for obvious reasons, so this is purely hypothetical), I really am happy that something I helped create brightened your day. That's why I became a part of the entertainment industry - I wanted to make things that people like watching. I'm very proud of all the work I did. I just wish we were treated like people and not disposable machines.

This music video, owned by Taylor Swift, was created by the work of overworked, underpaid, uncredited artists, many of which are women, whose names we will never know. Who, exactly, is this video empowering?

[chaewonrk]

STAR BRIGHT CASTING AUDITIONS ‘20 : INTERVIEW !

      word count: 1,587. cw: parental death.

what was it that chaewon kept on saying to yuzu? just fucking do it. she’d be a hypocrite if she didn’t at least go along to this interview thing. chaewon didn’t really allow herself to believe in fate or anything, knowing that she’d only be disappointed if she did, but the stars were aligning pretty well for her. she’d kick herself for not going. or, maybe jie would kick her. she was more than happy to have her roommate with her -- chaewon needed the confidence boost that jie’s aura provided.

it would be very typical of her, however, not to go in the end. she nearly didn’t. standing outside the park hyatt hotel, chaewon took three deep breaths. go in. one, two, three -- and she stepped through the front door, following her roommate through. wow, luxurious. she used to stay in places like this all the time when she traveled with her parents as a kid. it was somehow both familiar and intimidating at the same time.

now that she was in, chaewon had to fill in the form. she was in it for the long haul now, or at least for a couple of hours. it was just an interview at this point, she really only needed to worry if she somehow got a callback. supplying the information they asked of her was easy. it was the same old shit she’d attempted to use for bragging points all her life. a decade of ballet training and drama school -- a decade of effort that went down the drain one drizzly afternoon. her choir days at ewha, a fun year where she made friends that she could’ve gone onto college with but didn’t. 6tunes, soundbox, her youtube channel. only one of those projects was something she was still pursuing. chaewon couldn’t help cringing. what a heap of wasted potential. supplying the information was easy, but looking at it, listed out in front of her, was dead hard.

the family section was harder again. eventually, chaewon decided to only list her grandparents. they didn’t know she was attending today, but she guessed they’d be disappointed to hear it. she could always worm her way back into their good graces by expressing her intent to finally go to college.

once she was done, it was a matter of waiting for her name to be called. chaewon tied her hair back in a low ponytail, and asked jie to check for flyaways.

chaewon entered the interview room with a smile, feeling like she stood out well in her red t-shirt against the white background. she gave the staff member a warm look as she took her place. as nervous as chaewon felt before, she found that the professional studio atmosphere soothed her. the sound and camera tests went off without a hitch, and before she knew it, the interviewer gave her the nod to introduce herself.

“hello!” she bowed her head for the camera, then lifted her chin to face the lens with a self assured smile. as per usual, chaewon felt better able to be herself in front of the camera. sometimes, especially recently, when she was playing her guitar, she got a bit too far into her own head, but this was a more comfortable situation. she supposed it could be that playing music close to her heart was a little too vulnerable for chaewon to fully feel confident in herself when she did it. “my name is park chaewon! i’m twenty-one. i’m currently working as a make up artist. i’m living here in seoul, but i was raised in london, england.”

“okay. chaewon, tell me, why did you come here today? why do you want to be an idol?”

chaewon clasped her hands together in front of her as she said, “performing is my first love. i trained in ballet and theatre in london for ten years before moving to seoul, but since then, unfortunately, it’s had to take a backseat in my list of priorities. i’ve worked hard on it on the side over the years, but ... is it okay to say? it sounds a little selfish, but i’m ready now and i really want to prove that i can do it.”

the truth sounded so pretty when she phrased it the right way.

“a ballerina? so it’s safe to assume that dance is your best skill. tell me about your weaknesses.” chaewon appreciated the cool but still seemingly interested vibe that the interviewer gave off as she asked her questions.

“yes! yes, dance is the skill i’m most confident in. besides my experience in ballet, i’ve also got experience in other styles. i attend hip hop and freestyle classes here in seoul, and briefly taught a class of my own too.” chaewon beamed proudly, hoping that her smile somewhat managed to reach her eyes. “my weakest skill ... i don’t rap, but then again, i’ve never tried.” simple as. truthfully, there were a lot of things she was definitely, sincerely bad at, like cooking and budgeting and keeping track of her drinks, but none of them were really relevant to her potential skill set as an idol.

“is there a reason you didn’t choose to pursue ballet in seoul?”

a surprisingly cutting question -- one chaewon hadn’t rehearsed for. though, she supposed she shouldn’t be too surprised. taken aback for a moment, all she could do was nod as she gathered her thoughts. with damp eyes, chaewon resigned herself to telling an abridged version of the truth.

“yes, actually. my parents passed away when i was fifteen. that was the reason i moved to seoul, so that my grandparents could take care of me. for the first year or so, doing things that reminded me of my life with them back in london was too painful, so i avoided them until i was ready. since then, i’ve been ... slowly dipping my toes back in.”

“i see.” the interviewer paused, searching chaewon’s face for any sign that they should stop the process. chaewon merely blinked back her tears and continued speaking.

“that’s what i meant by i’m ready now. it’s been many years now, and i’m finally confident enough to try and pursue my dreams. i want to prove it to myself, but,” she nodded to herself, eyes gleaming determinedly for a moment. any hints of tears were wholly gone now, replaced by chaewon’s regular confidence. “i also want to try to do it for my parents. they believed in me.”

at least, she liked to believe that they did. they probably didn’t. after all, she’d been such a brat. but, it was a nice thought. chaewon figured that regardless what she ended up doing with her life, she’d probably end up imagining some proud parental response for herself.

“you’ve had to overcome a big obstacle early on,” the interviewer started to steer the interview away from the melancholy. “that takes tenacity. are you willing to improve yourself in the areas you lack?”

“of course. i received vocal lessons as part of my drama training, and nowadays, i’m really interested in improving my singing. i play my guitar and sing with it, and upload covers and things to my youtube channel. i’m always looking to see where i can improve and change. it’s the key to growth.” yeah, like when she let jinsoul bleach her hair. change was good. “i attended singing and vocal care workshops in the samsung speakup event a couple of weeks ago too. i sang in the choir in high school, and i sang back up in a band i was apart of, but i don’t have a massive amount of confidence in my group singing skills.”

“lovely. now, chaewon, what influences you? musically, as a performer, as a person, and so forth.”

what did she write on the form again?

“oh.” she tapped her chin thoughtfully. she didn’t want to come across as too much of a fangirl or too shallow or too up herself or too ... anything. “for idol groups, i’m a big fan of luxe and and*roma. i really like taylor swift too. i originally picked up guitar because i thought she made it look cool. i guess you could say i’m influenced by powerful women! it’s really important to me that i don’t have to sacrifice my femininity to be taken seriously. the class i taught was called high in heels -- i think that sums up my influences pretty well.”

“okay. we’re onto the final question now, chaewon. if you weren’t trying to be an idol, what would you be doing right now?”

shopping? sleeping? gossiping? “still working hard. if i wasn’t trying to be an idol, i’d still want to do my best as a make up artist, and as a hobbyist. no matter what, i still love to perform. it would just be ideal if i could do it as a job.” she punctuated her sentence with a content smile and nod.

“thank you, chaewon. we’ll be in contact.”

or we won’t. yeah, chaewon knew the drill. thanking the staff, she quickly made her exit. as soon as the door shut behind her, the adrenaline that was brewing within her shot through the crown of her skull and she half walked, half jogged her way back to the hotel lobby, en route for another period of waiting for jie to have her turn in the audition room. she didn’t know how she was going to be able to sit still.

[ankcna-blog]

hello guys !! i’m blaire, and i come to you with a VERY belated greeting !! i went to a skz concert a few days ago and as you would expect my life has been flipped upside down ever since !! but now that things are calming down, i’ve got things in order and would like to introduce you to my beloved weirdo kwanchai, more commonly known as dreamdrop’s choreographer KAI ! i’ve wanted to join you all for the longest and can’t wait to have some fun now that i’m finally here ! without further ado, you can find all his links here ( more to come ) as well as some important info about him below ! and of course, like this if you want to plot ! i’ll also be joining the discord very soon, so that’ll be an option too !

background !

from bangkok, thailand ! maybe it’s because of this he’s such a city boy and loves being around people, because that’s basically been his whole life ! in bangkok there were people around nearly all the time and now that he lives in seoul, it’s no different !

like his fc, he’s ethnically chinese but his nationality is thai ! honestly he feels more of a connection to his thai side because it’s the one he’s the most familiar with, though recently he’s been trying to connect with his chinese side. 

grew up around mainly girls, 3 older sisters and one younger ! his dad’s the only boy, but his parents are divorced. they still co-parented pretty functionally, though, so he mainly stayed with his mom and did weekly visits to his dad. he believes the heavy presence of females in his life is the reason he grew up to act a little more conventionally “feminine” and why he has such a high respect for women ! his sisters have always been .... v strong in comparison to him ojoijoijoij so it makes sense why !

his sister is the original dancer of the family, picking up ballet at only 5 years old ! she’s older than him so, wanting to follow in her shoes, he begged his parents to join as well !

his parents were v apprehensive at first, especially his dad, because they weren’t the most progressive and didn’t think a boy dancing ballet looed good. it took some convincing, but eventually they allowed him !

absolutely loved it, would come home dancing nearly every day. once they realized he was really enjoying himself and taking himself seriously he convinced them to add on tap and hip hop classes as well !

always been into american culture, he was always watching shows & listening to music from america, and that transferred into a general interest for the country ! so in high school, he studied abroad for a semester w / a host famiy !

this really helped his english skills and is the main reason he’s so fluent today, which definitely helps with his job ! it’s the reason he sounds less like a foreigner now when he’s speaking.

coincidentally, through america, he found an interest in korean culture ! his host family lived in california, which already was home to a lot of korean spots, but his host sibling was a kpop fan and got him into it ! so when he got back home to thailand he had gained an interest for it.

he started listening to a lot of the music, and at 17 made a very spontaneous decision to send in an audition tape to a company ! ( not noir, a smaller up-and-coming one probably ! )

he was .... incredibly shocked that he’d gotten in, but ecstatic for the chance to do what he loved ! not everyone was quite as ecstatic as him ... mainly his dad who thought his career choice was unfit for the one son of the family.

regardless, he packed up things and moved to korea, where he began to train to become an idol ! contrary to what he’d thought he kind of hated it lmao ! he had a super hard time trying to learn korean initially and didn’t deal too well with the stress of such a cutthroat environment. on top of that, he wasn’t favored by the company and they kept giving other trainees opportunities he didn’t have ! he didn’t like that because he felt he had the personality and drive, they just weren’t willing to take a chance on him. but he really loved the chance to perform alongside other passionate people and learn from them.

so it was a bittersweet moment when, at 18, he terminated his contract. he felt relieved with all that extra pressure off him e but was also sad to no longer be performing. he tried to lie and act like he didn’t to his family but eventually, they found out and his mom sent him back home to thailand. his dad was livid and promised that if he didn’t do something within 2 months to get a job he’d stop helping him out.

kwanchai wanted to keep dancing but still needed a job, so did the best thing he could think of ! a choreographer he’d met in seoul promised him a room in his house if he agreed to fly back to korea and start working as a sort of dance apprentice under him at a studio !

so, going back yet again, he agreed and made one of the best choices of his life ! he got a lot better and not only dance but teaching / choreographing it ! with this, he comfortably began to adjust to the country and learned a lot !

the more he was there, the more he realized how much he enjoyed choreographing ! his friend gave him the chance to begin creating dances from the studio and it was then he decided he wanted to do it as a career !

he didn’t want to feel like a burden at his friend’s for so long, so it was then he decided to apply for a job at noir as a choreographer, hoping to save up and buy his own place. he applied unsure if he’d really get it due to his short experience, but was ecstatic when he did !

the whole thing has proved to be one of the best choices of his life - he’s got a steady job that’s very fulfilling, he saved up enough for an apartment, and he gets to dance while maintaining the level of freedom he’d craved as a trainee !

personality / random tidbits !

his app summed it up well, he’s incredibly eccentric ! he’s just different in nearly every way and if told to do something one way, he’ll probably do it the other. 

his name is kwanchai, but ever since he was 17 he’s gone by kai, a shortened version of his full one ! it’s because it not only easier to pronounce for koreans but to his many american friends as well, and honestly it makes him feel less out of place as it’s a fairly universal name !

he’s super talkative, inherited from his sisters, but in turn is a very good listener ! so you’ll catch him either ranting about all his problems or listening to someone else doing the same.

naturally, he’s very fun and excitable ! rarely takes anything seriously, that is .... unless he’s dancing ! typically when teaching he likes to crack jokes and such to make the experience fun, but if it’s crunch-time he does a whole 180. when he has to he takes dancing very seriously, sometimes maybe even too much ! he may come off as controlling but in reality he’s just very passionate and a true perfectionist in terms of technique. 

speaking of dancing, seeing him do it is quite an amusing sight ! kind of like j-hope he’s always making noises when he does it, and always has some sort of noise or word that correlates with his dance move ! def the type to say “and jazz hands !!”

maybe it helps, maybe it sounds stupid ! but since he has such a horrible memory it does tend to help him out a lot.

his hair right now is dyed, and the best reference i can give you is the john’s banana video lmao !! he keeps it pretty short to keep it out his face when he dances, and tbh his hai is a different color all the time !

he has a food blog, “rate what i ate”, where he does food reviews for restaurants ! it’s really fun for him because he loves to eat and has a very strong opinion on nearly everything. muses feel free to come eat with him, he’ll never say no to a dining buddy !

aside from that he has general social media and an ig where he posts short dance covers ! thinking about starting a yt cover channel.

coffee is his everything. he’s got a horrible sleep schedule, staying up late and having to wake up early ! but coffee is the one thing that gets him through, and no matter what time of the day he can always be found with his favorite cup in his hand.

remember how his app said power poses ? well it’s something kai actually does ! every morning and before doing something important he stands in a power pose for 5 minutes, saying affirmations rather dramatically. that alongside his guided meditation obsession makes kai in the morning time quite the amusing sight.

he has a black bombay cat affectionately named luna ! she’s his daughter whom he loves very very much and would die for. a total sweetheart who will accept all love, muses feel free to pet !

even though he’s fairly happy somewhat out the spotlight, he still has the idol mentality, and definitely has the whole charming personality thing going on ! he’s a whole personality and it’s almost a sin he didn’t become a talkshow host, but i assume he’d have a small following because of it ! not dreamdrop level of course, but a little bit of recognition !

that’s all i can thin of right now, that and i don’t want to keep you all waiting for this intro for too long ! i’ll add more as i see fit, and again, i can’t wait to meet you all !

[chibimyumi]

Hi Chibimyumi! Can you please give examples of Yuta's thoughts about social struggles ( mental health, gengered bias etc.) ^-^ And what do you think about FuruTod's dress?

Hello Anon ^ω^

I would gladly!

Mental Health

Furukawa does not actually talk about mental health outside his own scope at all; he keeps everything on a personal level only.

He is fairly strict to himself; Furukawa seems to value problem-tackling way more than self-therapy. I have never seen him comfort himself with mental hacks or softness; whenever there is a problem he would call everything for what it is without any sugar coating. Examples include him referring to his actions using the words ‘cowardice’, ‘weakness’, ‘arrogance’, ‘naivety’, etc. Furukawa would not linger on these derogatory terms however. He accepts these as simply descriptors rather than ultimate identifiers. Having weaknesses does not make one weak, and sugar coating problems is counterproductive to combating them, after all.

An example of this is actually as recent as today (June 19th, 2019), where on the TV programme ZIP, Furukawa openly talked about himself running away from rehearsal, using the unapologetic word 逃げ出す (nigedasu・run/bolt away).

Furukawa also grew a lot in the recent years. In the past, rather than facing his obstacles head on, he would shamelessly ask others to solve the problem for him. He learned the consequences of this passive attitude the hard way, alas, but he did learn. And he is determined to let the lesson count. Likewise, he has also learned that a challenge is just a task that he might have to work harder for to take on, rather than be upset with himself that we was not ‘born to be able to do it’. In one interview where he was asked how he felt about being promoted to ‘Ogosho’ (Prince), now being ranked the same as other legendary performers, Furukawa answered as follows:

“I don’t have talents. Unlike Inoue-senpai (Inoue Yoshio), I can’t just open my mouth and hit notes so beautiful it moves people’s hearts. I am not like Iku-senpai (Yamazaki Ikusaburo) who can just stand there and suck people into the play with sheer charisma. But I believe that my weaknesses are my biggest weapon. These weaknesses keep me motivated to work harder than anyone, and I believe that my ardent hard-work is the soul of my performance. I hope that rather than ‘one show’, my performances can be a journey of growth that I share with my audience.” (*Starts sobbing* Furukawa, you are a beacon of inspiring energy T^T)

Furukawa is not some mental-health guru who gives advice, but in my opinion, he is incredibly effective because he leads by example. By always being open and casual about addressing weaknesses and problems, he reminds his spectators that it is not shameful to talk about these, and that the shame is only as big as one makes it to be. Likewise, he reminds people that there is no such thing as one rigid standard set in stone. “Rather than setting a goal according to one’s ideals, I think it is more important to strive for flexibility in preparation for these ideals” [Link].

To me, it is especially extraordinary because he is a man, and therefore socialised to reject and spit on weakness, and be shamed for having such ““unmanly traits””.

Gendered Bias

Japan is an incredibly and infuriatingly gendered society (personal story; I myself wear incredibly girly clothes, but my “opinions” are probably not “girly” enough. Once I was just talking to someone, and they advised me to “not speak so scarily, instead I should speak cuter”, because it does not fit my femininity.)

Born and raised in the middle of nowhere in a very traditional household where his father was the absolute and only authority, Furukawa too grew up with rigid gender standards. As a result, Furukawa is not entirely without bias either of course, but he is always keeping his eyes open to check what bias there might be. He is a critical thinker, and unpacks the psyche behind a person’s behaviour to the bottom. This allows him to gain a more objective view on cause and effect in human behaviour. (The Sebastianess is real). This ‘unpacking’ is probably what helped him see through the artificialness of gendered conventions, and helps him check for bias. Perhaps it is this talent that made him so good at his job of producing amazing interpretations for his roles, perhaps it is his job which nurtured this talent. Or it’s both.

This is just me surmising, but it is likewise possible that he is so feminist because he does not feel sexual attraction for women (or anyone else); this probably helped him rationalise and shielded him from falling for the sexualisation of women which reduces them into a piece of meat to be owned.

In the after-talk show of ‘Marie Antoinette’ at the Imperial Theatre, Furukawa was asked what role other than Axel von Fersen he would have liked to play.

Furukawa: “M.A.” (the initials of the lead roles Marie Antoinette and Margrid Arnaud).

Host: “Which one?”

Furukawa: “Both. These women are amazing, but I cannot play them. This world is made by men for men like me, and yet, we all still manage to fail despite everything being customised by ourselves (laughs). What does success of a man even mean then? I admire women who have succeeded despite all the odds. If I were ever reborn as a woman, I want to play heroines like these people.”

(And the fans unanimously agreed that we don’t want him to reincarnate, we just want him to play these roles the way he is XD)

Without trying to point the finger to Japanese gendered society (too hard, with fully manicured nails and a new set or diamond rings), I am astonished by how emancipated Furukawa turned out despite his background.

Scary and Being Scared

Furukawa is hyper aware of the fearsomeness of toxic masculinity. He once admitted that he actually has trouble interacting with women, because he grows too self-conscious of being scary, and fears he might not be able to catch his own bad behaviour on time. He said that he is so tall he towers over even most men (in Japan) on top of having a villainous face. (???? Ô.ó) In addition, he said that his speaking voice is low to begin with, but when he is scared it becomes even lower, and he sometimes accidentally raises his voice. All in all, he said there is no reason for women NOT to be scared by him. So, he rather keep himself at bay.

In this post about Furukawa’s respect for women, we see how mindful he is in approaching women. Though this story is inspiring, it is possible this respect comes from a place of fear. Regardless, it is still rare to see a man so graciously acknowledging toxic masculinity AND admitting fear (fear for anything, really! And that’s why I love him).

In one of the old shows ‘Heat Up Eve’, Furukawa was talking about how hitting on girls is a very scary thing to do. He wondered how girls even deal with this. In the phoning-corner-event, Furukawa asked the calling fan how she would handle the situation, and his team-mates suggested him doing a live simulation with the fan. Furukawa agreed to put on his scary-face, and produced the following gem:

Der Tod’s Costume

I really, honestly like his standard costume a lot. In normal light I am not entirely sure, but in stage-light (as it is meant to be) it is a magnificent piece of art.

It is rather patriotic since TOHO already declared a “New Era of the Japanese ‘Elisabeth’ with their new Ogosho“, but I really like the details on his lapel that may have been based on a Sodenashi Haori.

His other costume for ‘The Last Dance’ is something I have not really made my mind up about, though I am happy to see him with a cape again. This vaguely Victorian-Napoleonic era uniform also has some Japanese factors in it, but I am not sure I like the breaks of the knots that don’t reach its buttons...

Though, I really like how his hair is tied back into a pony tail with a ribbon. Der Tod’s original visual design had shorter hair, but they aborted that idea. This pony-tail look with long bangs makes it look like the huge banners are not false advertisement XD.

Regardless, I am happy they finally made Furukawa his own costumes and dropped the previous costume that was Shirota Yuu’s (whose built is MUCH larger). It looked like YunTod was wearing his father’s clothes...

Inoue-senpai (left) also expressed how he was a bit jealous of Furukawa’s costumes, and joked:

“Furu-kun’s clothes are so elegant and refreshing, I think it reflects what kind of Der Tod he plays. Here I am carrying a dead fish tail; what does that say about me? (laughs)” [Source]

[xavierfvgd-blog]

Face wrinkles are of two major varieties

They are dynamic face wrinkles and the static face wrinkles. In this article we are concerned with the causation and treatment of dynamic face wrinkles.

Dynamic face wrinkles occur as a result of excessive muscle activity. The reason the dynamic face wrinkle is labelled thus is because it comes on when the muscle contracts and disappears when the muscles are relaxed. In the face, because the muscle layer is just Buy PRX-T33 online underneath the skin with a minimum of subcutaneous tissue in between, it is quite easy for face wrinkles to occur whenever the underlying muscles contract. This occurs most commonly and importantly in the forehead (resulting in forehead lines or surprise lines), in between the eyebrows (resulting in frown lines or glabellar lines), and the corners of the eyes (resulting in eye wrinkles or crows feet). There are other areas, of course, on the face where muscular contraction produces dynamic wrinkles. Examples are the under eye wrinkles, the bunny lines on the bridge of the nose, and the smoker's lines that occur when one purses the lips.

Face wrinkles, both dynamic and static, have the effect of making the sufferer look older and more unpleasant than he or she is. This impacts on the person's personality and outlook in life, and can affect his job performance as well as that all important first impression when he or she meets clients or potential friends. It is thus very important when one notices the first signs of face wrinkles that there be an aggressive effort made to eliminate that wrinkle, or at the very least, reduce its degree of severity. It is also well known that persistent contraction of muscles will result in the wrinkle being permanent, or static, that is, it does not disappear on relaxation of the muscle, and is then harder to treat.

Treatment of dynamic face wrinkles is, by and large, through the use of a substance that effectively but temporarily weakens or paralyses the facial muscle groups that produce the wrinkle. Although there have been claims of substances that can work when applied to the skin, it is well known that by far the most effective substance that can be used is an injectable item called botulinum toxin.

Botulinum toxin is the purified toxin of a bacterium called Clostridium botulinum. The two most common brands in the world are Botox and Dysport, both of which use a specific variety known as botulinum toxin type A. Botox is produced by Allergan of USA and Dysport is from Ipsen in Britain.

Botulinum toxins such as Botox (also commonly misspelled as Botax) work by blocking the neuromuscular junction of the muscle, thus causing the effect of paralysis or weakening of the muscle, during which time the effect is very positive, being the disappearance of the wrinkles on the part of the face which was injected. This effect is not permanent, lasting 4 to 6 months from the time of injection. After this time period, the affected muscles gradually recover their function, and the face wrinkle will recur. Botox is very safe and specific if used in the proper hands. Thus if one wants to have Botox treatment to remove face wrinkles, one should go to trained practitioners.

Injection of Botox is generally through the use of fine needles which hardly cause any pain, as very small amounts are injected directly into the target muscle. Bleeding is minimal, if any. The effect of weakening of muscle, resulting in disappearance of the face wrinkle, takes place within 4 days.

Generally no side effects are noted if Botox is injected properly. However some people complain of some tightness of the forehead or mild headache a few days after the Botox injection. This is thought to be due to an unconscious reflex contraction of the surrounding untreated muscles as the treated ones are no longer working. This tightness which does not cause any harm wears off after a few days. Do you know why babies are so adorable? They need beauty to survive! Babies cannot live without an adult's support, and therefore need an adult's love to ensure their support. This is perhaps the easiest and most obvious way to show that beauty is for survival and not just for fun only.

How about in the business world? Sure, its not politically correct to say that you hire someone based on their looks, but it's almost always the first impression that sticks in your head and someone who is more attractive will always be more memorable.

How about money? Beautiful women tend to have a higher salary and better chances for a promotion. Handsome men -- not as much as beautiful women, but it still has its benefits.

Of course beauty is a big advantage in a bedroom for love. Want to know the secret of how men and women are choosing their beloved ones?

10236 Charing Cross Road, Los Angeles, California. A 50 million dollar Gothic - Tudor style house, built by architect Arthur R. Kelly in 1927, with a secret room, called the "Elvis Presley" suite. This room is famous not for its art collection or furniture, paintings or sculptures. This suite is special because when Elvis Presley stayed there, he spent a night with at least 8 women. Now the house is occupied with an aging Hugh Hefner, the Playboy boss, who is still surrounded by young beautiful girls. They are much younger than Mr. Hefner, but they are still enjoying his company. Why?

This now well-known fact remained a mystery for many years. Until 1999, when Harvard scientist Frank Marlowe came up with the unusual explanation of this behavior. According to him a woman can chose an extraordinary man, much older then she is, because even an aging men are fertile. Because with their experience and tools, they can compete with much younger males. The benefit is: young males have very tough competition, and women have much more choices.

What about the way men look? Does it matter for women? Sure it does. To find the truth scientists decided to find out if it is a masculine type of man, or feminine type, that women find more attractive. What they did not know was: both, but not at the same time.

When women are in fertile part of their cycle, they prefer masculine looking men. When they are in infertile part of their cycle -- feminine looking. Does it mean, that it is really women, not men, who choose? Or does it mean that infidelity is the inherent women's feature, because they need different men at different times of their cycle?

Men chose women differently: they want fertile women. In other words -- young. But how do they determine?

Full breasts, low waste to hip ratio, long legs, symmetric face, big eyes, small nose, body mass index -- all play their roles. But remember: they pick up young females! Therefore how do they decide? By "signals of youth" which are: clear and smooth skin, big and shiny eyes, full red lips, long fair hair and firm high breasts.

Marilyn Monroe, is perhaps the most famous example of this. But is this for only movie stars? What about ordinary women?

It is about 1350 BC. Ancient Egypt. The young Queen Nefertiti is about to pose for a famous sculptor Thutmose, who is going to make her bust. Suddenly Nefertiti notices that her eye liner is not perfect. To fix it she takes eyeliner and applies it to her eyes.

Now she looks perfect. That is how we know her -- from famous Nefertiti bust.

But she was not the one who used cosmetics to enhance her beauty. Cosmetics were cheap, readily available for ordinary people and easy to use. But the problem with cosmetics was: it was sometimes toxic. To get the desired effect they may put in Parabens, sodium lauryl sulfate (SLS) and other toxins. And cosmetics cannot do that much to cover deep wrinkles and skin folds, lift up the sagging skin or change the shape of the nose. That is why they came up with plastic cosmetic surgery.

[jovialyouthmusic]

Returning the favour

THIS PIECE IS DEFINITELY NOT SUITABLE FOR UNDER 18s 

PLEASE DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IF YOU ARE OFFENDED BY SEXUAL CONTENT 

Featuring Drake Walker and Princess Charlotte of Cordonia...

This is one of those pieces that I had to write. It takes part after Drake Walker offers to keep Princess Charlotte of Cordonia satisfied without compromising her virginity. Up until this point, the arrangement has been one sided.

Princess Charlotte and Drake Walker  – now lovers though Charlotte remained a virgin – visited the gardener’s hut regularly on their morning or afternoon rides when it was cool. When it was warm they stopped by the stream that ran through the palace grounds and he lay a blanket on the soft grass and moss for her. They never stripped, for fear that they would have to move again quickly, but removed some vital items. The first few times he remained clothed and refused her offer to bring him to orgasm. He was still bedding other women, and taking himself in hand when he had to – and his libido had rocketed to alarming levels.

Once she fell apart under his attentions, he knew there would never be another woman for him, even though he had to ensure she remained a virgin. She had confirmed that every six months she had a medical examination to ensure she was intact, due to an ancient chastity clause that applied to Royal Princesses that was never revoked by her father. Her hymen was already damaged after a riding accident, but enough of it remained to ensure that she passed the examination. She knew how to give herself pleasure, but Drake had added his own skills without compromising her condition.

He was obsessed with her, saw her in every other woman’s face, heard her voice, felt her under or over or beside him when he was with other women. They had been friends for so long he knew her thoughts, anticipated her movements, was swept along by her moods, and dreamed that one day they might go further – he knew as he was of common birth he had little chance of marrying her, but perhaps she would have him as her lover when she was married, as was not uncommon in Cordonia.

One day not long after they had started their assignations, he had brought her to the mossy bank of the stream and she had confessed that her monthly time had come unexpectedly early. It would not have bothered him, but she was not willing to go ahead with any intimacy. Instead they lay side by side on the blanket, listening to the water running and the birds singing, Drake looking up into the canopy of the spring leaves and Charlotte snuggled into his side. She craved intimacy, not just the release of orgasm, but simple touch as well. The horses grazed contentedly a little distance away, waiting patiently.

After a while, Charlotte sat up, and looked down at Drake. It was obvious that what his mind had told him, his libido had ignored, and the bulge in his jeans was apparent.

‘Drake, does it hurt? She asked. He was half asleep and blinked in surprise.

‘I – does what hurt, Lottie?’

‘When you’re – when you’re aroused like this’ she indicated his groin. He coloured slightly. Despite being so intimate with her, they hadn’t broached the subject of finding his pleasure together, though she had offered. Somehow it seemed sordid to him despite his many exploits with other women who didn’t have to preserve their virginity, but it was increasingly difficult to hold himself back. He usually took charge of himself in the stables or ran back to his room to spill his seed in the shower or bath. He took a deep breath.

‘Not exactly – it’s just tight, uncomfortable.’ he assured her.

‘I’d like to see. It’s so unfair that you don’t – that it’s so one sided. I want you to feel the way I do.’

‘You don’t need to Charlie’ She frowned.

‘Yes I do’ she said firmly. ‘In fact, if you don’t allow me to, I will go back to using my toys and my imagination.’ Drake’s heart did a little jump, and he sat up, no longer sleepy.

‘You wouldn’t’ he gasped ‘You couldn’t go without…’ he swallowed as he saw her smiling mischievously.

‘Don’t flatter yourself, Walker’ she grinned ‘But I would like to do things for you. Teach me – show me what you do’ He blushed furiously – he couldn’t understand why he felt so different about her taking him in hand, why his rugged masculine manner was so challenged. Perhaps it was because it was so recently acquired as they were both still teenagers and he was still growing into his manly frame, broad shouldered and narrow hipped with taut abs. He took pains to stay fit, training with Bastien at his chosen martial art and regularly going running and riding. In turn, her body grew softer and curvier, and her voice remained light and feminine whilst his grew deep.

‘I – it doesn’t feel right - I don’t know why I feel like this Charlie’ he said ‘But if you want to – why don’t you take a look at him’

‘Him?’ she said ‘Does ‘he’ have a name?’

‘No!’ he said quickly – some things are best kept to oneself, he would die of embarrassment to have her know his secret name for his member.

‘Okay, perhaps I will give ‘him’ a name. You talk as if it has an identity of its own.’

‘Hah – you have no idea’ he said ‘When I was younger, he would grow at the oddest things and the worst times. He’s a bit more predictable nowadays’ Charlotte looked at him, the light breeze causing strands of her dark hair to lazily drift over her face, and she tucked the strands behind her ear.

‘Lie down Drake, I want to see him’ she said and, he swallowed, hesitating. With a slow smile she said ‘Your Princess commands it’ He groaned and did as he was told, growing harder at her assertive tone. She sat close to him and unbuckled his belt, carefully unzipping his flies. She coaxed him to lift up so she could pull his jeans down to his knees. He watched her as she looked down at the bulge contained in his boxers.

‘Is he particularly big?’ she asked ‘ I know you men are obsessed with size’ He chuckled, feeling more at ease now they had broached the subject.

‘I have had moments with a measuring tape, and I’ve not had any complaints. I’m told I’m above average in length and girth.’ Charlotte leaned down to gently lift the waistband of his boxers, drawing it down carefully, revealing his full length lying on his lower belly, hard and fully erect. Again he shifted for her to pull them down, and she continued to gaze at his groin.

‘I’ve seen photos – and paintings and sculptures’ she said ‘But never erect like this’ She smoothed her hand over his belly, millimetres away from his tip. He chuckled again, grateful that she wasn’t disgusted or spooked, just curious.

‘You’ve never watched porn?’ he asked and she shook her head.

‘No, but Livvy does’ she said ‘Next time I see her I’ll have to…’

‘No!’ he interrupted sharply, and she looked at him curiously ‘It’s unrealistic - it’s all performance and it’s mostly aimed at men. Promise me you won’t watch’ Her expression changed to one of mischief.

‘Now you’ve got me intrigued – but I’ll not watch if you think it’s a bad idea’ she looked down at him again. They had plenty of time as they had brought a picnic and told her father they would be out for a couple of hours. ‘Can I touch him?’

‘Of course – wait a minute’ Drake was uncut, and reached down to pull his foreskin back. He was leaking precum, and Charlotte reached out curiously. ‘Careful’ he said ‘That stuff is potent – make sure you wash your hands after, and don’t touch yourself before you do. It’s unlikely to get you pregnant, but we should still be extra careful for hygiene’ He always used protection with other women, but he had nothing on him and it wasn’t really needed for what they usually did.  Charlotte took the little bead of moisture on her fingertip and brought it to her lips, putting her tongue out to taste it. He groaned at the eroticism of the simple gesture. The mischief came back into her eyes.

‘You like that?’ she said teasingly, and he nodded.

‘Hell yes’

‘Livvy tells me..’ she started, and he looked up with alarm, sitting up and propping himself on his elbows.

‘You told Olivia?’ he said with dismay.

‘I didn't have to, she guessed something was going on. Don’t worry, she won’t give up our secret’ He subsided, laying back down again, alarmed at the thought that their assignations weren’t a secret.

‘So what does Livvy say?’ he asked, a little deflated, though only mentally – he was still hard as a rock in Charlotte’s presence.

‘Well, she tells me what she does with her – conquests’ she smiled.

‘Don’t pay her any attention, she comes from Lythikos and they’re descended from warriors’ he said ‘I dread to think what their sexual habits are’ In truth he already knew a little after an encounter with a maid from Olivia’s duchy who was fiery and feisty, but he never talked about other women with Charlotte.

‘Can I touch him?’ she asked, and he nodded wordlessly. She reached down and softly wrapped her long elegant fingers around his length, and he closed his eyes in ecstasy.

‘Gently’ he breathed ‘He may be hard, but he’s – delicate’ his voice hitched as her hand slid deliciously down, pulling his foreskin back a little more. He groaned as she slid it back up again, watching his expression.

‘It feels good then’ she said mischievously.

‘Dear God yes’ he gasped ‘Just – just keep your hand moving – slow and gentle’ She gazed at his face as she played with him, sliding her hand gently up and down.

‘He feels so hot’ she said ‘Is this right? Is it fast enough?’ He felt his eyes roll back in the sockets, his shyness melting away under her soft hand and she carried on a slow rhythm for him. He stopped her for a moment, blood pounding in his ears. He was not a stranger to receiving a hand job, but the fact that this was Charlotte increased his pleasure beyond what he had expected.

‘Charlie’ he said hoarsely ‘What you’re doing is just great - incredible. I won’t last long though, so I’m going to pull my shirt back – I may cum hard and I don’t know how far it will go.’

‘Let me’ Charlotte said, and unbuttoned his shirt, drawing it back and smoothing her hand over his chest before going back to his throbbing member.

‘I – truly I don’t know what happens, Olivia was a bit vague’ she said, her other hand gently cupping his testicles, driving all other thought out of his mind. He grunted in reply then made a superhuman effort to form words again.  

‘It - it’s okay Charlie, I’ll tell you when to stop. Just – oh god – just carry on like you are’ his back arched and his hips bucked. His breath came heavy, and her gentle hand carried on moving, picking up speed a little. Somehow she knew how fast to go – or maybe she could read him, or maybe he adjusted to her. He didn’t care why or how, but he was fast approaching his climax. He hissed through his teeth as he felt it build, boiling up as his hips bucked again.

‘Here it is – oh god – CHARLIE’ he gasped as he erupted, his hot seed spurting out, high up onto his chest accompanied by intense waves of pleasure that almost made his vision white out. His hand shakily went to hers to slow and stop her movement. Her eyes were shining as he lay sweating and breathing hard with the comedown, and she leaned down to kiss him on the cheek as his heart pounded in his chest, slowing as she sat away, smiling and looking at the pool of semen on his chest. She reached in the bag he had brought for the tissues, but he took them from her and cleaned himself up, grinning.

‘Like I said, it’s potent stuff – best you don’t touch it’ He sat up and kissed her again, pulling back.

‘How did I do?’ she asked ‘It looked like you enjoyed it’

‘Not bad for a beginner’ he teased ‘Pretty damn good in fact, I’ve had many worse hand jobs. You were gentle and attentive – my sweet Princess. I hope you got some enjoyment too.’ She looked thoughtful.

‘It was – interesting, very powerful and primal. And if you feel like I do when you – go down on me, I’m very happy to have returned the favour.’

‘Next time we can both come’ he grinned ‘And I won’t have to ride back with a raging hard on’

 @ao719 @agent-bossypants @andy-loves-corgis @sleepwalkingelite @boneandfur @blackcatkita @brightpinkpeppercorn @choicescommunity @darley1101 @drakewalkerrosenberg @debramcg1106 @fluffy-marshmallow-heart @goirishsunshine @gardeningourmet @livingthroughchoices @likethetailofacomet @mrs-nazario @mind-reader1 @ooo-barff-ooo @silviasutton1989 @speedyoperarascalparty @zaffrenotes @missevabean @mrsdrakewalkerblog @cora-nova @missameliep @tanelle83 @endlessly-searching-for-you @jlouise88 @drakenazario @tabithacarlisle @furiousherringoperatortoad @notoriouscs @classylady1234 @wickedgypsymoon @carabeth @choices-fangirl @indiana-jr @indiacater @noey718-blog @katedrakeohd @bobasheebaby @annekebbphotography @kennaxval @sirbeepsalot @drakeandcamilleofvaltoria @aworldoffandoms @iplaydrake @drakesensworld @drakewalkerisreal @samcpossum

[martinfreemangossip]

A friend just sent me the full Amanda Abbington article for those who wanted to read it (I don’t) and don’t have a subscription.

Amanda Abbington: ‘The split shook me. I had no self-esteem’

The actress talks about finding love after breaking up with Martin Freeman

Back in early 2014, when I last interviewed Amanda Abbington, she was taking a bashing on social media over her role as Dr Watson’s bride in the BBC series Sherlock. What I could not know was that she was about to go through a far worse time with the man who played him, Martin Freeman, her partner and the father of her son and daughter. Two years after that interview, they separated. Today, encased against the winter in a hat with long earflaps that conceals her newly darkened hair, she tells me about the break-up, how it destroyed her self-esteem and threatened her children’s wellbeing but also, crucially, why it didn’t dent her faith in romance.

The online abuse flung at Abbington five years ago came from Sherlock obsessives who wanted Holmes, played by Benedict Cumberbatch, and Watson to have eyes only for each other. Obviously, the trolls added nepotism to their charge sheet against her, to which her defence to me was that, after 13 years together, it was about time her association with Freeman got her a gig.

It was all nonsense — she was outstanding as Mary Watson. Her performance took an actress well enough known from ITV’s Mr Selfridge to international fame, a starring role in Netflix’s crime serial Safe and now, on stage, to the part of Anne, a wronged woman already portrayed by Gina McKee and Lia Williams in the first two parts of the French writer Florian Zeller’s acclaimed domestic trilogy. The Son, the sequence’s conclusion, centres on Anne’s clinically depressed teenage son Nicolas, laden with suppressed rage at his parents’ break-up.

Zeller described The Mother and The Father as “dark” or “tragic” farces, but reading The Son it is hard to find the laughs, although Abbington insists that the cast at the Kiln Theatre in northwest London are locating some in rehearsal. “I think it will upset a lot of people. It is melancholic and it is sad,” she says, but adds: “I like going to the theatre sometimes and feeling uncomfortable, and not because the performances are bad, but just because it’s nice to sit there and question stuff and think: ‘There but for the grace of God go I.’ ”

Except, of course, to an extent at least, she has gone there. I ask if she was reluctant to be in a play about a divorce. “No, I don’t think so, because with mine and Martin’s break-up we were kind and we made sure that [their children] Joe and Grace came first, and that their needs and their feelings were taken into account more than ours,” she says. “And, actually, we’re all right. We get on and we talk and we’re still in touch. There were flashpoints where it was very accusatory and angry, but generally we’re in an OK place and we are there for our children, which is the important thing.”

She will not go into detail about what derailed them three years ago, but there is no doubt that the 18 months during which Freeman spent up to four months at a stretch in New Zealand filming The Hobbit contributed to it. Freeman, she says, does not have a new partner, but a newspaper did report rumours of friendships that maddened Abbington at their home in Hertfordshire.

“A few things happened during the last couple of years of our relationship that were the straw that broke the camel’s back,” she says. “I thought: ‘We can’t do this anymore. We aren’t happy. It’s time to be strong and say let’s not do this because we’re just not making each other happy. We’re not making the kids happy. The best thing to do is just be happy apart.’ And, actually, I’m much happier now.

“I wasn’t depressed, but I was very low, low for months, and very tearful and it shook my confidence. I still have no self-esteem. None at all.”

Because of that? “Because of the fallout of that.”

She felt rejected? “Yes, and I felt really old and stupid and unattractive, and you can’t recover from that overnight. He hadn’t left me for anyone, but things were happening within the relationship that made me feel like that. You know, I’m getting older. I’m in my forties — all these things help make you feel less of a woman, less feminine, less female.”

She will be 45 this month, but she has always lacked confidence in her looks. “Since I was a little girl. I never, ever think I’m attractive enough or good enough to be, you know, at the party.”

She conceals these feelings from her children, especially from Grace, who is ten and, like her mother at that age, tiny. “I was bullied for being small and insignificant, but she’s like a little powerhouse, whereas my son, who is 13, is heartbreakingly sensitive.”

She regularly checks on how the pair are doing emotionally. “It was a big thing that happened to them and it shook them a lot. Martin and I get on 95 per cent of the time, but if they feel a small imbalance in our little unit they get very scared. They pick up on everything. Because they’re so young and not cynical and much more open, they sense things in people, but we’re very careful. It’s all about being careful.”

Which is the problem with the divorced parents in The Son. They haven’t been careful. “No, they haven’t.”

The husband certainly hasn’t. “No, he hasn’t, and Anne has been very vocal about her anger towards him and [his girlfriend] in front of Nicolas.”

She shared her own anger with four close friends, who were able to provide some perspective. Her parents, who live down the road from her in Potters Bar, remain hugely supportive and look after the children when she is working during the day. Freeman, who lives in north London, takes them at weekends. She has buckets of respect for single mums. Mothers remain children’s first call, she says.

Equally, while she has had to turn down four months’ work filming in Romania, Freeman would not. “From time immemorial that’s been the case. That’s fair enough. I’m the mother and I suppose that’s what people expect. It’s ingrained, but I think it’s a shame because women’s work is equally as important as men’s.”

Did she fear that she would be alone for ever? “No. No. I’m a firm believer in love. I love love. I’ve seen people get really untrusting and cynical and angry when they were hurt, and I was hurt. I was really hurt. It really shook me, but you can’t carry that on into the next part of your life.”

She noticed the Northern Irish actor Jonjo O’Neill when they performed in a gala night at the Royal Court theatre in November 2016 (I noticed the 40-year-old in BBC Two’s The Fall). On the night, she was watching him from the audience with the actresses Jessica Hynes and Lesley Sharp on either side. They said that if she did not ask him out, they would do so for her. “So at the end of the night, after the gala, I went up to him and said: ‘I think we should go for a drink.’ He was: ‘Yeah, OK.’ We were following each other on Twitter and it was really nice, but then I met him and it was like: ‘Oh, you’re lovely. I’ll be brazen.’ ”

He has met her children, but not moved in — not yet at least. If he does, he will share a home with three rescue dogs, an abandoned cat and a tarantula. He will be spared two pet rats, recently deceased. “Proper grey rats. I loved them. They used to sit up and eat cheese.”

It is almost a definition of Abbington’s low self-esteem that she fails to realise how attractive she is. I don’t think she misses how funny she is. We agree she should do more comedy.

I assume that the Sherlock trolls evaporated. “Oh yes. I don’t think they were very happy with the last series. I think it got very complicated. I love Steven Moffat [the co-creator], but I think they started to pander to the fans, involving a lot of fandom stuff. I thought: ‘You should just stick to the stories, because they’re much more interesting.’ ”

Such blasphemy does not stop her from campaigning for a part in Moffat and Mark Gatiss’s next project, Dracula. “I’d be a good vampire,” she says, modesty going to hell. She is so talented and such fun that I’d put money on her getting the job, whatever heresies she risks against Sherlock.

AMANDA ABBINGTON’S PERFECT WEEKEND

Ski holiday or beach break? Beach break

Mindfulness or mindlessness? Mindfulness. Always. Always practising mindfulness

Tiger mum or free-range parent? Free-range. I’m protective, but they need to go off and do their own stuff. I have an app on my phone called Life 360 so I always know where they are

Barry’s Bootcamp or Yin Yoga? I’ve never done yoga, but I do go to the gym a lot

I couldn’t get through the weekend without . . . A roast dinner. My grandmother taught me how to make a really good one