#of course it's not Truly bad until the 29th and 30th

[orcelito]

Just remembered tomorrow's the 28th. Which was like... instant mood drop.

At least I switched to making boba rather than closing. Aka I can just listen to my music for 5 hours and not talk to people.

I have a feeling im gonna need it.

[fictionerd]

Chapter Two: Awake - Entry #1

Foreword: WHAT!? Another entry!? Two in one day!? Yeah. The current point I’ve reached in the journal seemed like an appropriate break point so I thought I’d take a break from the game and post it.

“Nothing else has changed though.” - Rose

---Last Seed, 29th, 4E 201--- Well, now that that's been recorded, I should probably set about explaining how the return of my memories came about.

I entered the Night Mother's coffin as Astrid had asked and Cicero came in shortly after. He spoke to the Night Mother (Figured that's what had been happening Astrid really is paranoid). As Cicero spoke to the Night Mother, She spoke to ME.

She told me I was chosen as the Listener. She said this had been ordained and planned long ago. She told me the time had come for me to remember my past, and to make the final choice of the Bellamont family. Save or Destroy the Brotherhood. Save or Destroy the World. She told me that Darkness Rises as Silence Dies, and then poured my memories back into my mind.

I'm no stranger to the idea of being toyed with by higher powers, but this isn't that. I can FEEL it. It's as though all my memories had been tied up in a corner of my mind, slipping free slightly all along and whatever the Night Mother did just released them wholesale.

So now I have a task from the Night Mother: Find Volunruud and speak to Amaund Motierre. I told both Cicero and Astrid of what transpired. Cicero was, of course, overjoyed that there was a new Listener. Astrid, on the other hand, seemed panicked. I don't think she likes the idea of me challenging her authority.

She needn't worry. I don't want to take the leadership role from her. I'm not suited for it (yet). I mostly want to follow the trail of breadcrumbs I've been give. I want to observe the Brotherhood. See if I have a reason to save it even in its current, sorry state.

Maybe that sorry state is the precise reason I SHOULD save it.

For now I'll check with Nazir for contracts. See what sort of people's lives have been marked.

>An orc bard and a pair of Vampire lovebirds. Well, okay only one of the Vampires has a contract out on them, but I find it hard to believe I'll manage to snag one without the other.

The Vampires I have no reservations about. Wouldn't blame some one for trying to kill me if they found out what I was, so I can hardly blame the person who took out this contract. The bard though... Perhaps I'll hear him play first and see if his music is truly so awful that he deserves death.

>AH heavenly. The taste of Aetherius lingers on my tongue. I've drunk from one of the standing stones. I'm lead to understand that these are called the Guardian Stones. They're not far from Falkreath really. If I do buy that land this will come in handy. Being able to drink from these wells of magicka fills me with life and makes me feel more than a mere beast. Oblivion it makes me feel more than human. I'm glad I came this way. I'm heading into Riverwood to find a Carriage. From there I'll be heading to find the mysterious Lurbuk. The vampires of Half-Moon mill are naught but dust now. A fellow vampire? Coming after them in the morning? They never even suspected.

>No Carriage at Riverwood. Looks like I've got more walking to do. Oh well at least it's a nice, overcast, rainy day.

>Came across a group fighting a giant just outside Whiterun. I rushed to assist once I saw, but by the time I'd covered the distance they'd already brought it down. I spoke to one of them, Aela, and she told me they were members of a group called The Companions. They're essentially a Fighter's Guild with a better name and history. I admit I'm curious about them, but right now I have other matters to worry about. I've a performance to attend after all.

>I'm torn. I arrived in Morthal and listened to Lurbuk play. He doesn't sound too bad to me, but I may just have poor taste. The innkeeper seems to only keep him around because he pays for his room. I decided I needed a distraction so I asked about the burned down house in town. Apparently there's rumor that the fellow who lived there set fire to it himself with his wife and daughter inside. The next day he started living with another woman. That really doesn't look good on him.

I've decided to investigate both that and a rumor I heard some time ago. There's a wizard here named Falion who is rumored to have studied "All manner of Undead" I wonder if he'd be willing to tell me anything about my condition.

>I've been given an incredible opportunity. Falion knows a way to reverse my vampirism. I could be human again. True there are a lot of positives to being a vampire, but it does have its weaknesses and potential insanity due ot starvation or paranoia is chief among them.

However, the real reason I intend to follow through on this cure is because I didn't CHOOSE to be a vampire. This transformation was thrust upon me by people and purposes beyond my control. I think that if I truly intend to commit to an existance as a vampire I should first live as a mortal again and make that choice WILLINGLY. I purchased a Black Soul Gem and the means to fill it from Falion. I'll need to figure out who to kill for this. I do have the contract for Lurbuk but that puts me ill-at-ease. He doesn't seem to deserver it. For now I'll investigate that house fire.

>How appropriate. Vampires are at the root of the house fire. One of them had tried to turn Hroggar's daughter. The other has seemingly enthralled Hroggar. I was able to fill the Black Soul Gem with the soul of one of the vampires. The question is: do I seek my cure now or wait until I've dealt with the rest. I think... cure first.

>So much for that plan. Falion has locked his door. On with the investigation then.

>Seriously? She has a coffin to sleep in? I believe she's read one too many romantic tales.

>Found Alva's journal. She hasn't been reading a romance tale she's been living one. So has this Movarth fellow. On my way to show the journal to Jarl Idgrod I noticed a commotion. Apparently Alva got killed by the guards. Wonder why she revealed herself. Did she sense her thrall die when he fought me?

>Time to go slay me a master vampire. Movarth has a reckoning coming down upon him.

>Movarth is dead and I didn't even get a hit in. All but one of the "brave warriors" Idgrod assembled for me fled at the mouth of the cave. Thonnir was the only one who went in with me and in the end he was the one who took out Movarth. I hope he lives the rest of his life hailed as a hero. He had some help from my Illusion magic. I turned Movarth's thrall against him, but the thrall barely got a hit in before Thonnir was on top of the "master" vampire with an axe. Old Movy went down with two good swings. I have to admire that.

---Last Seed, 30th, 4E 201--- I. Am. Livid.

Falion has his door locked tight for most of the day and night. When he finally unlocks it at eight in the morning (Never mind that I'd knocked at his door after Movarth. I KNOW he was moving about in there I HEARD it) He tells me to meet him at dawn. DAWN! I could have had this DONE by now. Well FINE I'll stay in town for another day. It shouldn't hurt too much.

>I decided to stay up through today. Hopefully this will get my body acclimated to being away during daylight hours again (Well mostly. I still have my "job" to consider). I've taken a carriage to Whiterun to do a few favors for the people of Morthal while I wait on Falion's timeframe. I only hope I can find a copy of "The Alchemist's Song" here.

>Visited Danica Pure-Spring to deliver a letter on behalf of Idgrod the younger. Out of curiosity I asked about the Temple of Kynareth and she explained its history and that of the tree outside, Gildergreen.

It's dead and withered, but might be revived with sap from its mother tree: Eldergleam. To tap that tree, though, I'll need a weapon called "Nettlebane". It's being held by Hagravens. I think once I'm cured I'll see about retrieving this weapon.

Why? Because I feel like, if I'm going to be given new life then why not pass that on. I may eventually decide that the life I'm living now is my true path, but that too will be a new dawn of sorts. All things deserve new life.

>Talked to the general trader in Whiterun. He tells me I'm more likely to find "The Alchemist's Song" in Solitude. Seeing as that's just a quick jaunt across the bay from Morthal according to my map (and I've read up on my Alteration magic so I can make it at a faster clip than walking) I believe I shall, indeed, seek out a copy.

>Well that's lovely. I arrived in Solitude just in time for an execution. Apparently this fellow let the killer of Skyrim's High King escape? Also apparently that killer was Ulfric Stormcloak. I saw him briefly while I was discussing the Butcher killings with his steward. He seemed like a heavy-handed sort, but more int he way of a soldier than a hardened murderer. (I should know, right?)

---Last Seed, 31st, 4E 201--- I'm human. The sun does not drain me of energy. I breathe out of necessity rather than habit. My heart beats strong in my chest. The hunger is absent.

Nothing else has changed though.

I thought, perhaps, that I'd be overcome by a wave of guilt over my deeds while I was a vampire. I thought that maybe I'd find out that I didn't really want to kill or be part of the Brotherhood. I suppose I thought that being turned somehow drastically changed my outlook on life. Like it had altered my personality through some magical means, but no. I'm still me: Rose Bellamont. I'm still an Assassin, and my views on when to kill and when not to haven't changed at all.

Maybe this was all a foolish exercise. Maybe I shouldn't have gone through the trouble. Still the experiment goes on. I'll live life as a human for a while. Allow myself a respite at least from the clawing dread of Molag Bal's curse in my mind. Then, after some adventures have been had, I'll decide if I want to return to the night.

[the-youthdeetox]

♡ 20th July I count my lucky stars I have you in my life, no one compares to you and no one will understand how much love for you I have and how much I care about you. I want to be with you for the rest of my life. 24th July You make me shiver, and tingle. You make me happy when I'm sad and happier when I'm already happy. You and only you make my day better. Nothing on this earth makes me as happy and as excited as you do. Talking to you makes my day, being with you makes me feel whole again. 31st July You know you make me feel like shit, you make me feel bad about what I eat and how much I eat. And you know that's not ok, I give you so much leverage when you diss me but the way you go on about what I eat makes me unhappy. Stop. 3rd August So last night you said that I've gained weight, "only a little bit" and then you blamed it on the pill. You have never hurt me more then now, you have made me feel fat, disgusting, and not good enough to be with you. Now I don't even want to see you, I'm just a self conscious blob. You have been hinting on it for weeks and I so knew but to say it and mean it made my heart drop. I just can't believe you would even bother to keep bringing it up. I can not stop feeling anxious, and I'm so hurt. You have really done it this time. And you know what makes it worse, after that comment, I was really upset and wasn't being the nicest person, BUT of course you had to bring yourself into this and say shit like, "I didn't actually call you fat, let's just change the topic, it's definitely from the pill" and then you have excuses for me to stop being angry. "You've called me fat so many times!" YOU HAVE GOT A SIX PACK FOR FUCK SAKE!!! You know I joke around. And then you say you don't want to do this anymore, you hate fighting every night and you're sick of it. "Stop calling me" I'm crying. Distraught. Trying to understand what you're saying. "So you don't want me anymore?" Sorry. I don't know! Yes I do I'm just sick of fighting. ITS A FUCKING RELATIONSHIP THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENS! Then you actually answer and I have to fucking make an agreement to stop fighting and I HAVE TO APOLOGISE. Me. "I hate texting at night I just want to chill, I hate how you text back so fast, just stop it." All I ever do is try to make you happy and I can't, I don't know what I can do anymore. I'm lost, what if I'm the only one trying in this relationship and the world is trying to tell me that, me trying is not how it goes and it's not okay. What if I'm ignoring all the signs around me that are saying, "Why are you apologising for something you did not do? Why are you so unhappy but you refuse to actually believe it? Why are you being stuck in this dismal thought that Z is actually in love with you?" Why are you doing this to yourself Yanah? - written while sick in bed, crying and thinking of nothing but not being here anymore 8th August I am unsure of your feelings. I am hooked to you. In love so much I would happily scream it to the world. But I am unsure about you, you have no effort and I struggle to hear how you feel. I love you, but I want someone to love me just as much. 9th August Sick of this stupid playing hard to get shit. Or maybe you just don't love me as much as I thought anymore, what the fuck am I meant to do. 11th August Last night we were officially over. After a year of ups and downs. We are done. I'm not going back, I'm sick of you not knowing your feelings and I'm sick of being used and I'm sick and tired. That was our last chance. Im not coming back now. And I don't want you to either. It was so much fun knowing the other side of you and being with you and being in love with you, but know I have better things coming. Thank you for everything... I will ALWAYS be in love with you. 13th August I saw you last night, I don't know what you feel. You probably don't care, at all. And that's what hurts the most. I miss you but at the same time you can go get fucked. Was over it long before we ended, thank you for making up my mind. 14th August After countless times telling myself not to even touch you I couldn't resist. You're fucking amazing. I have no words. We kissed and I know i still love you. 1:42 I wonder how you are feeling right now, do you still want a break or are you craving me back? 15th August We made up, and last night you opened up more then ever. And you called, scared about Harley, and I answered, told you everything would be okay and I said if you need me call again. I fell really hard asleep and didn't get your next call. At 1:15am, I'm sorry I was just really tired. I love you still. 26th August I stayed over at yours and we went to Cooly and every time we start hanging out with people you lose interest in me. You don't wanna hang out, you don't talk, you got cooked and you wouldn't even talk to me. You don't love me at all. Even worse when we got home and you just ARGHHH, I'm worth so much I hate this, I could give you the world and you don't want any of that! Fuck this night, this has made me never want to sleep again. 28th August Dad found out I stayed at yours. He found out I said cunt. I don't know which is worse. But either way spending time with you makes me regret nothing. I will love you forever. 29th August Thanks for messaging me, ignored once again. 11:19pm I told my dad I loved you today, and I do. With all my heart and all my soul. I don't understand how I could fall in love so easy and so hard. He just rolled his eyes and probably thinks I'm a lunatic for falling in love at such an early age... But so what? It will never matter how old you are, what race, hair colour, or amount of tattoos anyone could have, love will never stop until you have fallen over the top and into it. I don't think it's fair that I have to sit up at nearly 11:30 and having to explain to myself that "he's just tired", he "needed some sleep." I don't believe that, but for some strange reason my mind just ticks and switches off at the thought of being angry at you. And it won't be me this time who breaks up with who, I regret breaking up with you. I really do. I don't know if we would be better off, or we would hate each other more, maybe I'd be in love with somebody else who treats me like a total princess and never ceases to amaze me, but here I am, awake at nearly 11:30 and in love with a boy who hasn't discovered how he feels yet. It's hard watching people you love rip you apart. My dad, tries, but now I notice he doesn't try as hard lately. Maybe I'm a failure to him, that hurts to write. All I have ever wanted to do was make my dad happy and proud, I have lived up to his expectations ALL my life. I have lost friends and gained new ones over his opinion, his opinion that shaped my mind to judge someone so easily on their outer appearance. And maybe that's why I resent him so so much right now. I hate the way he tries to make me laugh, I hate how he constantly tries to strike up a conversation with me, and I hate how right now at this very moment I have tears in my eyes because I know that I hate how my dad treats me, not even that, I hate how he controls me. But deep deep down I just miss the way he used to look at me and smile when I made him proud. One day I want to tell him without starting to cry, because every time I try that's all I do. I cry, and I'm weak, and I try to look tough on my outer but I struggle with things and I don't have many close friends because no one likes me enough to put up with me. I'm constantly trying to make people like me that never will. And I will do this for the rest of my life, I will try and fail, and I will try another time, and I'll probably keep failing for the rest of my life. "You're doomed to fail," similar words to what my dad said to me this afternoon when he went on about how I fail at school and I don't try at anything anymore. I don't really wanna live at home anymore but at the same time I don't want to move away from my dad. He's the best and worst thing in my life and I love him with my whole heart and soul but I can't say I haven't thought about how my life may be if he weren't here. Maybe it's my adolescence that makes me so rebellious. Or maybe it's the fact that I want to live a life that doesn't fit into anyone's standards, a life that I invent. 30th August How shit does it feel to know we just ended and you don't even fucking care. I still wanna be with you. And I made that evident with the last 5 paragraphs I just sent to you. God I embarrass myself in front of you. You know what I want from you, I want you to talk to me in real life and on messenger like you enjoy it, I want you to seem interested in me and what I have to say. I want for you to ask me to hangout or at least when we half organise I want you to actually rock up. I want you to love me like I love you, and I wanna be your girlfriend so so bad it's killing me. I love you with everything. 31st August I don't know what I can say anymore. I feel... I don't know how I feel. I want to be yours, but at the same time I'm so sick of how you don't want me anymore and how you just wanna wait. What if I wait and then after footy you don't want me? Or even worse, you say you do but you act like you don't. I just want to feel loved and I guess that's a lot to achieve. I don't know why you don't want a girlfriend, maybe it's me, or maybe it's because I'm annoying or maybe it's what you truly say it is; You want me but you just aren't ready. If you take longer then after footy I don't think I honestly will be able to wait, I mean I love you, but I hate how I just so easy run for you and offer my whole heart and soul up to you, and you chuck it in the trash. 27th Feb Fuck love, it gets you no where.