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h0nkch0c0late · 1 year ago

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Oh my goodness finally someone who wants to write for Gen v 😛😛 I was wondering If you could write about a really clingy reader ? Like when they went to that party in the first ep, and the reader was just clinging onto Jordan

YES ABSOLUTELY OH MY GOD. Also, apologies if this is a little skewed I've only watched episode 1 like once so far and only remember a few things AAAA.

Clingy

Jordan Li x Reader

SUMMARY: you were never one for parties, and Jordan knew that well. When you agreed to go with her this time, though, she wasn't at all surprised when you clung to them the entire night.

WARNINGS: Gen V spoilers, swearing, major fluff, drugs

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When it came to parties, you would rather stay in your dorm room and read a book. Which was ironic, since your partner and their friends did it on a nightly basis.

But when you had heard from Andre that he invited Marie Moreau (one of the newest freshmen to join Godolkin), you decided, "why not?" As it was a good chance to meet the girl.

So, when you found yourself in Jordan's room like usual, with her arm wrapped around your waist, body pulled close, you decided to drop what you thought was surprising news.

"I think I wanna go to tonight's party." You said, turning your head to look at them.

Jordan smirked, eyebrows furrowing together in curiosity, "oh really? Didn't take you as the party type."

You rolled your eyes, nudging her in playful annoyance as you yanked her arm off of your waist.

"Hey!" They wined, putting their arm back around but you didn't protest, only huffing at them to ensure that you were upset at their reaction (you weren't).

"I thought you'd be more surprised." You sighed, turning your body towards them as you looked down. She chuckled lightly, sitting up with you but keeping her arm around your waist.

"Why would i be surprised? You're practically attached to my hip like, all the time." She snickered.

"Yeah, but never at the parties." You shrug.

"That's because you hate people. And the whole drug thing." They pointed out with a small laugh.

"Okay, well, I'm still going."

"Good."

"Great!"

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As you made your way to the top of the Seven tower, you made sure to stick to Jordan's side the entire time.

And of course, Cate, Andre, and Jordan went straight for the things that get you high as fuck, snorting it right up their nostrils.

And look, it's not that you didn't WANT to do that stuff with them, it's just that you couldn't.

Here comes the irony again with the fact that your parents pumped you full of a drug when you were a baby, but whatever.

As you clung to Jordan's side, with their arm wrapped tightly around your waist as they laughed along with their friends, you watched Luke as he made his way over to Marie.

She was a nice girl, as far as you could tell. The two of you had exchanged hi's and names, a bright smile on the girl's face the entire time. You would have talked with her more had she stayed with the group, but you understood.

Your head laid against your partner's shoulder as you sighed, knowing that this was only the beginning of the party.

---------------------------------------------------------

...and you were correct!

Soon enough the six of you had entered a club, Cate taking one of her gloves off and using her powers of persuasion against the host guy that had asked for a reservation from them (to which they did not have).

Looking back at Marie as you gor dragged along by Jordan, you could see the amazement on her face at Cate's actions.

"Dont worry, you're gonna see that more often, and soon enough it won't be as impressive." You joked, saying it loud enough for Cate to hear through the crowd.

She turned around, her eyebrows furrowed, "Hey, I heard that!" She grinned.

You nodded, "you were supposed to, Cate." You chuckled, causing the rest of the group to erupt in a wave of chuckles as well as you were led to a table.

As you all sat down, Marie took notice of your clinginess with Jordan, "Is she always attached to you like that?" She asked them as Andre took out a small baggy of molly, Jordan immediately snatching it from his hands as he grinned.

Cate answered the question for Jordan, "yes, yes she is. She won't admit it but one second away from Jordan, and she is WORRIED. She's clingy because she has attachment issues." She smirked.

You rolled your eyes, "I do not have attachment issues, Cate. I just hate being without her for too long. It's called being clingy." You respond snarkily as you pressed closer to them.

Marie held in her laugh as she noticed the baggy, "is that cocaine?" She asked.

"We finished all the coke," Jordan began as he opened up the baggy, "this is molly."

"Hey, I don't really fuck with powders, but.." Luke pulls out a baggy from his pocket, waving it at Marie, "I do microdose shrooms."

"So, what do ya say, freshman?" Jordan smirks, their arm moving to their girlfriend's shoulder as Andre waves the baggy of molly at Marie.

Marie looks around at all of them, you seeming to be the only one other than her not interested in the drugs, "Uh...no thank you."

After some persuasion from Cate, and a little nod of reassurance from you, Marie took the jump and took some of the molly, the group cheering as she does.

"Cmon, let's dance!" Cate exclaims as she drags Marie off to the dance floor, leaving the other three at the table.

"See? I told you." Andre said, looking towards the couple beside him.

"Yeah, super nice." You smiled, picking up Jordan's drink and taking a sip from it.

You weren't much for alcohol, but you thought that tonight was special enough.

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You and Jordan had split from the two boys for a bit, coming back from wherever you had gone and nodding at people that you passed by.

You clung to Jordan's arm, and just as the two of you passed the doorway back to the main room, Jordan felt comfortable enough to change.

"Oh, my girl's back~" you purred jokingly, "oh, how I missed you~"

Jordan rolled her eyes at you and laughed lightly, "you're so lucky I love you."

You smiled at them, "oh, boy do i know it."

As you joined the boys back at the table, you were now accompanied by two more trays of drinks (courtesy of you and Jordan).

"There she is." Luke greeted as the two sat down.

"You changed. Why?" Andre questioned.

"Because I fucking felt like it." Jordan responded as they felt you snuggle into their side, and you tuned out the rest of their conversation.

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Eventually your group had split up, the drugs and alcohol finally taking into affect.

Luke was somewhere near the bathrooms, Cate and Marie were still enjoying themselves on the dance floor, and Andre had endulged himself with the flirting activity at the bar area.

Jordan had somehow convinced you to join her on the dance floor, the two of you absolutely not following the beat as you slow danced to the club songs.

Your enjoyment was ended when screams erupted from the bar area, and suddenly you found yourself getting dragged out of the club by Jordan, Luke, Andre, and Cate joining you both.

As you passed the bar area you had noticed the woman bleeding to death on the ground, and Marie standing there.

You tried to call her name, to get her to follow you and the rest of the group, but your calls were drowned out by the rest of the crowd.

Who knew the day you decided to be extra clingy would end up a very messy and bloody night.

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RAAAGGEEEE THE FIRST DRAFT DIDNT SAVE 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

the ending is a little different and a bit quicker than I had planned and I am so sorry for that but I hope you enjoyed <33333

And yes I did in fact lie when I said I didn't have access to prime video I'm just a little stupid Ok.

#x reader #imagine #jordan li x reader #jordan li #the boys tv #gen v fanfiction #gen v #gen v spoilers

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rivangel · 10 months ago

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PLEASE write about Levi’s mental state, i’m begging you

He’s faced death and precarious situations since he was born, yet he’s still standing strong and hopeful, WHAT THE HELL I LOVE MY SHORT KING

IT'S FINALLY HERE😭im sorry anon i hope you're around to see this and if u are i hope i dont disappoint

the tone in this analysis is so weird because i kept getting caught between 'this is an apa paper no contractions, academic language, double spacing -' and 'this is a tumblr post about a fictional blorbo wtf r u on'

i also use some scientific language i try my best to explain but if this turns anyone off i don't blame them because im unhealthily obsessed

*i'm a third-year undergraduate psychology student w/ a concentration in psychopathology

tw/cw: discussion of childhood exposure to sex (not assault)

Foreword

I’ve been putting this off for a while (I’m forgetful and this topic is intimidating what can I say), but being a year out from graduating with my bachelor’s to become a mental health professional, and being a Levi scholar(/hj), I wanted to give this a shot.

I wanted to dissect and examine Levi Ackerman’s mental health “currently” (as in general canon), and explain as thoroughly but as simply as possible how and why he thinks and acts the way he does.

Seeing how AOT is pretty renowned for leaving out the ‘insignificant’ details, especially character details, a good majority of my assertions and even details of his life are built off of correlations and “signs and symptoms”; meaning some things could be an aspect of Levi’s personality, or a symptom of psychopathology.

I will examine his childhood (especially his childhood), adolescence, young adulthood, and “present” adulthood, with a short summary at the end of where he might be mentally after the war.

*Lastly, I don’t like it when things I say about a series or character are taken as fact or make it implied that someone else’s thoughts are “wrong”. This is partly built on headcanons anyway, which are influenced by my own experiences. Don’t take away from this that this is me telling you what to think.*

Childhood

The most important period of development occurs in infancy and childhood, especially from the ages of 3-6. This is when a child learns where to find security, love, and basic skills, gaining stability as they develop.

Well, Kuchel died when Levi was 4.

Maternal Love / Learning Empathy / Anxious Attachment Style

Levi was born into deep poverty within a violent unwelcoming environment. Basic physical needs must have been very hard to meet (i.e., consistently fed enough, a clean environment, no physical threats). And where Levi was born is like the dictionary definition of a bad environment for a small child, excluding only his mother’s care and love.

As it’s generally understood in canon (and suggested from Levi’s special backstory manga so far) she was a caring parental figure early in Levi’s life that loved him unconditionally. We can conclude that Kuchel did everything within her power to compensate for both parenting Levi alone and shielding him the best she could from his horrible surroundings, teaching the kindness, goodness, and love that Levi would internalize and go on to strive for for his entire life.

As far as we know, no other children lived in the brothel. Socialization is just as important for a young child as receiving love. With this isolation, it’s extremely difficult to learn how to connect to other people, or pick up on social cues. Levi would’ve never learned how to interact properly with his peers—aside from use of aggression and violence which Kenny would go on to instill in him.

With the danger/anxiety imposed by strangers, mostly if not entirely men, he would turn to his mother for comfort all. The. Time.

And she would give him that support and affection of course. This early motherly affection is integral to child development: a child who receives empathy and affection is subliminally taught how to feel and express empathy towards others.

While Levi’s surroundings were dangerous, lonely, and chaotic—traumatizing enough for a toddler or young child—Kuchel provided a safety net from that, so I think that Levi developed an anxious attachment as a child: exhibiting clinginess, excessive fear of abandonment, and an excessive need for security and/or reassurance.

Paternal Trauma / Potential Androphobia

Born and living in a brothel, we can assume that Levi was probably seen as a burden and a mistake by others, especially by men (both the likely majority of her customers and her boss).

AOT ch69; Before the Fall, ch34

This is likely in contrast to the women (those living and working in the brothel like Kuchel). They should know Kuchel if not as friends, then acquaintances who could empathize for her and her son.

There’s an obvious trend here. If Levi is going to feel fear/danger/anxiety because of men, he should have a general aversion to men and-or the behavior of men who he encountered as a child. This is impossible to know for sure or in meaningful detail, but it seemed to be resolved by the time he became an adult if so.

Although Kenny in his words was no more than Levi's teacher, Levi did see him as a father figure.

The subject of Kenny will be expanded on later, but it's clear Kenny in no way resembled a father, who also would go on to abandon Levi (at the age of 11 or so). Children without father figures tend to struggle more emotionally, psychologically, and socially. Specifically, (especially boys) tend to exhibit intimidating/aggressive personas to compensate for resentment, fear, and unhappiness.

Sexual Trauma (Tangent, Probably)

This is unconfirmed but a likely trauma Levi went through: exposure to sex as a child. There’s no way to confirm what he experienced, so I’ll function on ‘probably’s’ and ‘most likely’s’.

Because Levi and Kuchel only lived in one room, other rooms in the brothel should have belonged to other women, and he was at the oldest four, I wager that he was babysat by women who Kuchel knew and/or was made to hide somewhere while she worked, such as in a cabinet.

(for reference)

AOT ch69

The odds are high that he was exposed to the aftermath of sexual violence (i.e., marks seen on his mother), and the sound or smells that have to do with it. That young, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he should have realized later as an adolescent.

In general, children regardless of gender exposed to sexual content usually experience early puberty (which is just as likely for impoverished children, or children who experience chronic high-stress in general); issues with intimacy; become desensitized to high-risk behavior; negative/inaccurate expectations about sex and relationships in the future; influence inappropriate behavior with other children or adults; sex addiction.

This is especially relevant to Levi’s fear of closeness/intimacy in the future. Exposure to sexual situations—possibly not including CSA in his case—very early in life inflicts on a child emotions and stress they don’t have the intellect or reasoning to process or understand. An extreme aversion to interpersonal relationships, especially physical ones, results.

This stress Levi must have felt, being powerless to this happening to his mother, is a different beast. Children aren’t capable of handling high levels of stress, and so the brain will automatically create coping mechanisms: dissociation (a severe form of “zoning out”; observing the self “from the third person”; numbness; the feeling of living in a dream), excessive daydreaming/overactive imagination, symptoms of PTSD (nightmares and terrors; flashbacks; spontaneous activation of fight-flight-freeze associated with anxiety; excessive worrying/fear; loneliness/self isolation). PTSD will also be prevalent in Levi’s later life, which I’ll delve into later.

Inappropriate behavior and sex addiction are also highlights for me because they shouldn’t exist in him based on Levi's personality and behavior throughout the series. In my opinion, Levi ought to associate sex with pain, shame, and violence; he does see it as an ordinary job—a means to an end. He should be desensitized to sex as a concept, but associates it personally with shame, sadness, and pain, possibly feeling disgust towards it. So it is highly likely that Levi in every stage of life following this experienced sexual repulsion (usually associated with high anxiety towards sex), a low libido, or a lack of sexual desire entirely.

From a trauma perspective, he could avoid sexual topics of conversation, sexual settings (i.e., brothels), or an array of things which are sexually suggestive or he as a child possibly associated with sex (i.e., cleavage, panties, specific touch). Similarly, he might avoid direct reminders or have a post-traumatic reaction to them, such as anxiety or flashbacks (i.e., the sound of a bed creaking, the sight of wet clothes).

Importantly, it can be concluded that sexual violence was often exhibited, and the idea would be ingrained in him that sex, like everything else besides his relationship with his mother, is “give-and-take”, “victim-and-attacker”, and learn to be repulsed by intimacy. This impacts his willingness for later friendships and relationships as we’ll see later.

Early Abandonment & Early Exposure to Death

As Kuchel’s health deteriorated, Levi’s sense of security would break down. Availability of shelter, food, and emotional support would be even less secure than before. He might have been providing for Kuchel for some time, even, as it can be gathered that he received little to no help from those around him while she was sick. To whatever length he had to take responsibility and both fear for Kuchel, this would cement a sense of responsibility and guilt in him from the age of just four years old.

He will fail to save her—regardless of the fact that that’s not his responsibility in the first place; a child wouldn’t understand that—and then lose her with nothing he could do to even cushion the blow.

How powerless he must’ve felt. How hopeless. How likely is it that Levi found comfort in joining her? A child his age wouldn’t be able to comprehend death, basing our understanding on Piaget’s theory of cognitive development. To summarize, at the age of six or seven, children aren’t capable of complex, abstract thought like death or the finality of it. But Levi had to learn early.

AOT ch69

This will be center in his “clean-freak” tendencies later.

Adolescence

Most of this section is going to be rather vague again, but we already got the bulk of that over with in childhood!

Emotional Train Wreck / Lack of Identity

It’s hard to notice if you’re not paying attention, but in every scene we’re shown with Levi after his mother dies but before Kenny leaves, he’s wearing some variation of his mother’s one dress styled into a shirt. He loves her endlessly, even or especially in death. And part of cherishing her memory, to him, should’ve been taking after her as much as he could.

That’s how to explain why he didn’t become a cruel person (Kenny for instance) as he grew into a teenager, even though much of Levi’s outlook and behaviors come from him (ch57).

The more pertinent question is how extreme violence, reinforcement of the idea that that violence is power, and Kenny’s total (or most likely total) lack of communicated emotional connection affected him.

Levi would still desperately want that connection deep down, especially with his mother gone. This is a major reason why Levi sought to get stronger to please Kenny. For chronically abandoned people, that continues into adulthood and even beyond. A hole inside which can't be filled.

AOT ch69

Chronic loneliness—like I explained before—basically explains his aloof nature and awkward disposition. It’s not that Levi feels as detached as he looks, but he doesn’t know how to express himself or open up. He wouldn’t learn how to process his emotions, let alone talk about them. He’s basically emotionally stunted and immature in impersonal relationships (between friends and especially in regards to intimacy).

The Underground’s environment also makes him socially awkward, rude, of course stoic/not very expressive, and blunt. Levi was forced to become extremely observant of people to suss out their intentions, remaining vigilant of his surroundings at all times.

Levi doesn’t even get affection in any sense anymore. He doesn’t get a hug or a pat on the back, and he certainly doesn’t get a shoulder to cry on.

If anything, Kenny would punish him for showing weakness. Vulnerability is weakness; weakness is death.

What results is a continuous and boundless sense of emptiness inside that can’t be filled. He’s plagued by a chronic sense of unbelonging and loneliness. There’s no time or opportunity to develop “normally” as an adolescent. Socialization is limited at best; thinking of his place in the world is irrelevant when his one and only most pressing goal is survival; he doesn’t get to explore hobbies or interests.

OCD Propensity

One “interest” Levi is passionate about is cleaning, at least. Disease is what caused his mother to die. The easiest cause to point to would be their disgusting surroundings (although, Kuchel was infected by a customer). It is canon that Levi’s love of cleaning comes from "his personal experiences". In that interview, Levi first specifically references the important of fighting disease.

In other words, his "clean freak" nature comes, primarily, from the death of his mother: Filth -> disease -> death, and abandonment by extension.

His mother would’ve encouraged him to keep their room clean. There were times he or she had to have come down with something and dirtiness was the cause. On top of Kenny’s enforcement to keep up “clean” appearances to garner respect from everyone else in the Underground.

This in particular is extremely relevant to his mental health. When someone feels out of control of what is happening to them, especially in a recurring way, and especially as a child who doesn't yet know how to feel stable in an unstable environment, they look for something to control. It can be weight, bodily functions (blinking, breathing, etc), dominance over others, or cleaning, for instance.

Fear of disease, the urgent need to have control, and the basic need for stability makes it obvious that Levi would become obsessed with cleaning. And moreover, developing OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder). I’ll go deeper into this diagnosis later.

Lack of Self Worth

Despite the acknowledgment throughout canon that he trusts in his own strength, it wasn’t always that way.

Canonically, Levi sought praise from Kenny by showing his strength because that was the only thing he received praise for. The conclusion Levi came to once Kenny left him was that he wasn’t strong enough (wasn’t good enough) to warrant staying with him.

In conjunction, Levi’s first conclusion was that he did something wrong, not that Kenny possibly had some obligation that forced him to leave the Underground, pointing again to his own lack of self-worth.

This scenario created a complex in him, the very root cause of Levi’s pain, the very foundation of what Levi would go on to prioritize in adulthood. If he isn’t useful to those he wants not to abandon him, he’s worthless. He’s only useful when he shows his strength. Every other aspect of him like his interests is either irrelevant or bland by default in his eyes.

He would go on to make it his mission to try his best to be good enough in order to save and protect the lives of others, but foremost those he cares about.

Young Adulthood

Our first exposure to Levi as an adult is in A Choice with No Regrets, his OVA/backstory.

(By the way, I’ll be basing this analysis off a mix of the manga and the OVA.)

Emotional Immaturity/Affective Dysregulation

Generally, Levi’s defining negative character trait as a young adult is his emotional immaturity/anti-social behavior. Yes he’s grumpy and rude which is always indicative of him, but he’s very quick to anger, too. He cursed at the Squad Leader who offended him (by assuming that because he, Isabel, and Farlan are from the Underground, they’d be dirty), and argued furiously with Farlan that he would kill Erwin—not because it was required for the job, but because he disrespected him—for a few examples.

ACWNR ch2

He tended to be arrogant, too. Such as when he ultimately called a Scout who had experience with the Titans stupid for telling Levi to hold his swords in a certain way. He spoke to every officer the same as he would anyone on the street, having a remarkable lack of basic respect for authority. He was insistent on distancing himself from the entire setting and structure of the Scouts as much as possible, both to not get attached, and he found their mission childish/foolish.

He’s rather selfish. There is nothing Levi cares about genuinely more than Isabel’s and Farlan’s lives and the job that will set them up with a good future. Farlan’s advice is the only one’s he takes and the only judgment outside himself that he considers, such as when Farlan asks him to not cause trouble with authority to keep a low profile, but even then he acts stubborn. Levi trusts nobody wholeheartedly except himself (until later in ACWNR).

There’s a cognitive dissonance in him. Growing up, and still as a young adult, Levi’s headspace is marked by fear and uncertainty, with his power as his source of confidence. The first time he kills a Titan (with Isabel and Farlan), he uses too much gas because he refuses to potentially risk his friends’ lives; when the expedition is upcoming, he abruptly tells Farlan and Isabel to find a reason to stay back, and that he’ll complete the dangerous part of the job on his own.

Levi is full of repressed fear and uncertainty. He hides and/or buries all of it for the sake of self-preservation both emotionally and physically.

Antisocial Personality…?

It’s extremely interesting how a character as selfless, heroic, and empathetic as Levi exhibits antisocial symptoms. I’d even argue that if his childhood was spent entirely without his mother figure, then he might be a dictionary definition of ASPD (Antisocial Personality Disorder).

People with this disorder live day-to-day under the constant assumption that whoever is around them is “out to get them”/searching for a weakness to exploit. Humanity is made up of only prey and predators; morals are completely subjective, perpetuated by the society that surrounds them. This constant need to defend oneself, the effect of the exact trauma the potential sociopath experienced, combined with a muted emotional spectrum, results in a complete disregard of everything, including people outside of themself. They might believe they’re entitled to comfort or admiration, but overall, they’re intensely self-serving, often aggressive, and ruthless.

Because Levi for instance learned to rely on violence both for “love” and survival, then he might fall on violence to manipulate a person or situation into serving himself. I see reason to believe that Levi could have grown into worse than Kenny’s image if it weren’t for his mother’s influence.

However, the greatest cause for deniability is Levi’s wide emotional spectrum (especially including empathy and shame), while a lack of shame is the most significant marker of ASPD . (It is arguably one of many testaments to his strength that a victim of so much suffering, violence, and cruelty could become a man as empathetic as him.)

However, these tendencies may still be relevant: A sense of arrogance—both to the way Levi thinks of some who he perceives as weak and live without good morals—lacking issue with using deceit or violence to attain a goal, and living outside the rule of authority.

I go into more detail about this idea here.

Conclusion

As is true in general, there’s very little to say of mental development once someone has reached their early–mid-twenties. What we know of Levi’s young adulthood does reinforce his fear of abandonment, but he finds a cause where his strength and compassion can be “put to good use” and give to him a life that is worth living.

Conclusion: the ‘Present’/Diagnoses Overview

C-PTSD (Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder)

Levi’s emotional dysregulation (i.e., inability to sit with and process negative emotions), his difficulties in relationships, insomnia, negative worldview, absent sense of self, and finally, his persistent sense of unworthiness/worthlessness are all indicative of C-PTSD. It’s distinct from PTSD in that he didn’t endure one short-term traumatizing event, but he grew up surrounded by trauma and saw it as normal (e.g., gang violence, extreme poverty, death of a parent, (more presumably) physically and emotionally abusive parental figure). Levi as a child developed no understanding of a nurturing, secure environment.

Negative/Absent Sense of Self

I’ve talked about this at length already, but it’s worth noting how Levi’s perception of himself must have changed when it was revealed that he is extremely strong physically not from his own efforts as much, but because he’s an Ackerman.

His self-confidence and self-worth have always been built on the foundation of his strength. He’s useful if he’s strong, so he’s worthy if he’s strong. Along with the extreme high pressure his goal to kill Zeke put on him in season four, he might have gone to extreme measures to compensate for his strength he might have felt was “unearned” (such as excessive exercise for example). This is an aside, but it was a blow to him for sure.

Emotional Dysregulation

The causes of emotional dysregulation generally which he experienced are as follows: early childhood trauma, feelings ignored, judged, or invalidated at a young age, and physical and emotional child neglect. Beyond his first four years of life with his mother, Levi experienced all these things (early exposure to sex and likely exposure to domestic violence aside).

It’s important to focus on emotional neglect specifically, when any and all perceived “weakness”, no matter how small, is unacceptable to Levi. He will never ask for help (being independent to a fault), he can’t define or process his emotions, and it doesn’t occur to him—and it could be a shock—when he learns that his friends care about him, not him insofar as how useful he is.

As an adult, Levi appears to be emotionally mature, but I argue that this isn’t the case. It’s more accurate to say that he has better control over his emotions (in that he buries them or ignores them) with a mature outlook because of all his experiences with suffering.

Similarly, he’s not outwardly emotional not because he’s antisocial (as related to ASPD, not introversion), but because he’s so “emotionally constipated” that he’s numbed the vast majority of the time.

Relationship Issues + Fear of Abandonment

Because of his fear of abandonment and impaired emotional intelligence in close relational conflict, he’s extremely passive and/or passive aggressive. In order to avoid potential abandonment, he doesn’t go out of his way to win major arguments—such as threatening to break Erwin’s legs if he didn’t stay away from the expedition in season three, but ultimately giving in. He’s also more likely to sneak petty insults into arguments, give “silent treatment”, slam doors, etc. His kindness and exceptional empathy shouldn’t let him be physically or overly violent.

These are likely additions to why Levi doesn’t foster many close relationships.

Fittingly, as a child I thought that Levi might have had an anxious attachment style (clingy, excessive need for security), but as this possibility for security was removed entirely, and he was taught to not rely on others, he would develop more of an overt avoidant attachment in adulthood in combination (fearful-avoidant): making very few emotional demands—even though he has needs—withdrawing when there’s conflict, acting aloof yet fearing abandonment, having difficulty expressing emotions he feels intensely, and fear of depending on someone else.

Anxiety

His cool-headedness even in the heat of battle/war (other factors like experience aside) is exactly what you would expect from someone diagnosed with C-PTSD; he’s accustomed to chronic high-stress. But small stressors (i.e., a change of plans) are overwhelming and make him quick to anger/excessive annoyance.

OCD

Emotional dysregulation is also closely associated with OCD.

OCD is much much more than being concerned with keeping clean or organized. OCD is an anxiety disorder composed of anxiety-related obsessions and compulsions, such as frequent and disturbing thoughts or images (intrusive thoughts). These attempt to be managed through rituals (i.e., handwashing, counting in patterns). Although symptoms will fluctuate with anxiety, OCD at its baseline is a distressing disorder.

Since he was young, Levi should have had an incessant need to be in control at all times. A shining example of this is his mother’s death, an incident he couldn’t control but included dirtiness/disease as a cause he could pinpoint, so this anxiety with dirtiness becomes a major obsession, and the compulsion is cleaning. (Putting aside the fact that Levi enjoys cleaning by itself too.)

It’s a widely-held belief that if Levi has OCD, it’s contamination OCD, as it specifically has to do with an obsession with dirtiness and a compulsion in cleaning (i.e., damaging handwashing, ritualized bathing that may take hours). However, based on the multitude of times Levi was covered in blood and remained unbothered by it (Titan and human), and in fact the obsession’s lack of relevance entirely during urgent missions/situations, contamination OCD is simply not plausible. Instead, it’s general OCD.

There’s no way to know for sure, but I don’t see his OCD as mild or severe. Levi is an extremely orderly and balanced person, so it can be concluded he must have things done a certain way, routinely, organizational, or planned; when the dirtiness is “negative” (i.e., Titan blood, blood on a knife he used to kill Isabel’s attackers), he is never more rigid with cleanliness; it’s probable he suffers intrusive thoughts (likely of the violent nature), a fear of contamination, and/or counting ritualistically, but the most obvious compulsion is cleaning. He might have sensory issues, such as disgust if he happens to brush shoulders with a stranger; aversion to particularly bright lights, irrational rage towards “mouth sounds” (i.e., chewing, coughing, swallowing), etc.

EDNOS (Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified)

Levi should have a complicated relationship with food to say the least.

In the realm of eating disorders, EDNOS is sort of a catch-all term when an individual doesn’t qualify for the diagnostic criteria of anorexia or bulimia, and it encompasses lesser-known eating disorders like Pica. It’s the most common diagnosis for clinical eating disorders.

I already covered how integral the early years of life are, and beginning at a young age, if children aren’t given a basic need like food, and they must seek out food on their own, it becomes an anxiety deeply rooted in the brain regardless of how well-fed they are when they’re older. There will always be an urge to have food available. Levi’s years in the Underground were spent either actively starving, or going about every single day having acquiring food as top priority. He was a young adult when he left, so it’s impossible to unlearn this (without extensive therapy, which Levi doesn’t seek). It’s similar to compulsions found in OCD: even though he logically knows that there will be a dinner after lunch, it’s impossible to put aside this worry.

That may mean always having food stashed, eating too much—especially in his early years Aboveground when he’d eat as much food in a day than he’d eat in a week Underground— stealing food, or eating way too quickly (as someone who lived in a place where food was considered something of a luxury resource and threatened being stolen at any time).

The latter factor contributes to Levi’s suggested preference to only eat alone—joining the fact that Levi only eats with Erwin after expeditions. Eating in front of others should be considered a weakness to him.

As time passes with this easy access to food, combined with his extremely narrow sense of what makes him “good enough”, his relationship with eating may become toxic. Especially when the stakes of his worthiness are so high—literally life and death. He may think that he’s privileged to eat at all, and when he feels worthless, he restricts himself from that “privilege”.

He may be so accustomed to the feeling of hunger, that it doesn’t immediately register with his mind when he is hungry.

Lastly, he may have a generally low appetite. This is often associated with depression, but depression is comorbid with C-PTSD.

Misc.

Some tangents/miscellaneous speculation about Levi’s psychology:

Queer?

Sexuality is formed and shifts due to a wide variety of factors, which most if not all are terribly understudied: genetics, hormones, and your environment/experiences. So again, my speculation.

With his fear of close relationships and negative experiences with sex, I think he should land somewhere on the queer spectrum, specifically under the asexual or aromantic umbrella (i.e., pansexuality/being panromantic (attraction to personality) and demisexuality/being demiromantic (attraction only to those he has an emotional connection to)).

MDD

The odds of Levi having MDD (major depressive disorder/clinical depression) are iffy. Most if not all of the symptoms are comorbid with childhood trauma and C-PTSD: Such as persistent apathy, guilt, and/or discontent; sleeping too much or too little; lack of energy; reduced or heightened appetite; irritability.

Oftentimes, depression, C-/PTSD, and related mental illnesses cause unexplained physical pain, such as back pain and occasional tension headaches. “Stress hormones” like adrenaline are built-up in the body, and usually persist without physical therapy and-or medication (Disclaimer this mention is based on nothing more than Levi always standing with at least one hand on his hip).

Body Language

Similar can be said of his body language from a cognitive perspective. The vast majority of the time, Levi has himself closed-off in some way, usually by crossing his arms to protect his chest; a subconscious barrier between oneself and another person.

Also see this official art of Levi asleep.

Afterword

We’ve known it’s not just Levi’s physical strength and skill that makes him the strongest, right? It should take immense mental strength to make it day-by-day dealing with the trauma and issues that he does, but not only has he survived and continues to, but he lives heroically, selflessly, with the wellbeing of everyone around him as a top priority. He buries all of his pain by moving forward always and without exception regardless of how painful the present is. Living with “no regrets” should in mental respects be a guise for pushing his trauma down, too; there’s just no words that can properly do Levi’s resilience justice.

Part of me wants to go into detail about his later adulthood, but given how very little we know (right now), I think it’d be too speculative.

However, based on what we have seen at the ending of AOT, it’s comforting to know and plain to see that Levi wasn’t defeated when he “lost” the reason to be so strong, and even his strength itself; he didn’t lose his love for his friends nor of life.

In middle age, based on Erikson’s psychosocial stages, the conflict that should enter Levi’s life is the idea of generativity versus stagnation. He seems satisfied with his life despite the negative effects of all he went through—grief, physical disability, inevitable mental scarring—and he’s still concerned with helping others, especially the younger generation in a world after the overwhelming devastation that was the Rumbling.

My speculated psychopathologies/diagnoses of Levi:

C-PTSD (insomnia prevalent)

OCD (contamination obsessions)

EDNOS

#levi aot #snk levi #levi ackerman #levi attack on titan #captain levi #captain levi ackerman #aot levi #aot levi ackerman #attack on titan levi #aot meta #levi heichou #rivaille heichou #levi rivaille #rivaille ackerman #lance corporal rivaille #levi snk #levi.thoughts #aot #attack on titan

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theysaidhush · 3 months ago

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hii its my first time req also i love love love ur writing 🫶🏻 i was wondering if u could do an ot8 skz x fem reader poly and if not either seungmin or lee know where the reader has a severe panic attack during isac? the rest would be up to you and of course if you dont feel comfortable doing this dont feel pressured to

There's always light at the end of the tunnel

➝ YouCan'tSeeItButIt'sThere!OT8 x 9thMember!Reader ➝ You don't have panic attacks. Jisung does but you don’t. Right..? ➝ angst, comfort? ➝ wc. 2k Hiii omg I'm your first !!! I'm so sorry that it took me such a long time to answer, hope you're still around !!

Are panic attacks something that you fear, or have? Not at all. You know what they are, you can try to understand how people feel when they are having one. But since you've never been the one to have it, you don't really understand, you don't...feel it.

Sometimes, you're a witness - it's not something that one would willingly witness for it can create some awkward thoughts and clumsy actions. A thing that people don't tell you, it's how you feel when you actually get to witness a panic attack. It's like you're having one too, especially when the person having it is close to you. You don't know what to do, what to say - should you hold his hands or let him breathe? would it be weird ask him if they're alright - spoiler alert, it is. But it's not something that is taught in school, something that people are aware of - like how you should or shouldn't behave in front of a wild animal. Yet it should.

But you were fine standing in the side lines. The only person who ever had a panic attack in front of you was Jisung. Don't get me wrong, he is your Sweet Cheeks - no one should ever tell him that this is his nickname in your phone, he would get cocky - you partner in crime and your bud. But by fearing how he saw you, you never quite acted during one of his moments. Maybe you were worried - you can be quite something at time. Maybe you were too much, as one of the kids was always here for him, even if you were there before - are you jealous ? A bit.

But it never crossed anyone's mind that this would happen to you. The never ever sleeping little chipmunk high on life. You can congratulate, you've been hiding quite some things under the bed. Things that made the monster sympathize with you. And you thought it was fine, you really thought that someone else needed the attention and the care. It never crossed your mind that there was enough love in the eight's heart for two little anxious chipmunks high on life. But for you're defense - not that anyone blames you - you hadn't seen it coming.

Everything was fine, and then it wasn't. People tend to say that you never get used to the feeling. The overwhelming need to breathe. The first time is always the worse. You don't know what's happening. You are scared, you feel alone, breathless, and you can't hear nor see what's going on around you. And then in a brief moment of clarity it crosses your mind.

Me?

Because you always thought that you were not sad enough for that. And it's the worse that happens. Discovering that you are in fact not alright. That you're dealing with shit bigger than yourself, heavier than what your body can handle. And you fall.

It has never happened before.

Why me?

Why can't I breathe?

Am I dying?

What's wrong with people?

Why are they looking at me?

What's wrong with me?

Someone..?

One moment you're playing with gravels on the ground, the other you're staring blankly at the same spot, eyes unmoving and hands slightly trembling.

Kim Seungmin knows you quite well. Stays know that Sungmin knows you quite well - when you joined the group, a few years later after Stray Kids' debut, it took just a month or two for your ship to be one of the most popular in Stray Kids. It would have been weird, knowing that people were expecting you of fantasizing about a non-existent relationship with one of the youngest. But like it was meant to be, just a month later he was the one to look you in the eyes and tell you what you needed to hear. He was your emotional support. The anchor to your sailing and swaying ship. So yeah, Kim Seungmin might be the one who knows you the best among Stray Kids. And he knows that your eyes usually do not look like one of a dead fish.

He does't move. He stares at the screen displaying the score of each groups competing in the ISAC. Stray Kids' not bad - they're serving, like they usually do. His arms sway awkwardly and he shift his weigh on his right leg. He then looks at you for a brief moment. You're not moving. That's weird, you don't usually stay on the same spot for more than a good twenty seconds.

"What's got your panties in a twist?"

Seungmin hopes that Stay aren't that good at playing detectives and lip reading, because Changbin proved once more that he doesn't give a single fuck about his idol image.

"I'm not mad? What makes you think that I'm mad?"

"Well..." Changbin stops in front of the taller boy, one eyebrow raising as he takes the famous 'pregnant woman pose'. "Why are you asking me? Shouldn't you know?"

For a second - one that dumb Jisung and dumber Hyunjin wouldn't have caught - the singer takes a look at his girl. A brief second. But Seo Changbin do not need more than a second - he is Seo Changbin after all. And what he sees, or understand, do not seem to please him.

"What's up with her?"

He says that with a frown in his face, abandoning his ridiculous posture for one which is more menacing, which could show everyone that something's changed. But Seungmin carefully catches the hem of his vest before the rapper goes toward their ninth member.

If you ask Changbin what he doesn't like about being a K-pop idol, he'd probably say "Nothing" with a smirk on his face. Because Seo Changbin does what he wants and eats what he craves. But if there's one thing that he hates, it's when he can't help people who needs it - especially their female member - because of the repercussion it could have on his group. And he knows it. Seungmin knows it. He is reckless, and they don't need that right. Especially not right now.

A few days later, what happened between them made Stayville go crazy with some cliché videos and compilation of the two men standing close to each other. The famous Seungbin compilations. Little did they know that nothing romantic was happening between them - not at that time anyway.

"Is she..." Changbin's eyes narrowed, looking thoroughly at the young woman as a raw terror and uneasiness flooded his body, "even breathing?"

It was a valid question. To those who were surrounding her and looking close and carefully enough, it was clear that her face was getting paler. Now, it really was worrying.

As if walking into a shop, Seungmin's feet led his straight toward his member, light heartedly and without any sense of urgency. But inside, he felt like bile was rising up his throat, the pure terror hidden behind curtains of hair a unusual and unfitting expression on his girl.

It only seemed normal to crouch next to her and to comfort her with his warm touch - she usually craves it.

If the way you tense up and get slightly away from him is a sign, you clearly don't need it right now, don't even want it. And you have never denied him affection. You always came to him whenever something bothered you - or he would tease the answer out of you, it depends. Why couldn't you bear the mere idea of him touching you right now, when you clearly needed him the most? Why were you refusing the only sense of normalcy in this raging sea of cold water and prickly wreck?

You vaguely discerned the hurt on his face, above the other millions of emotions swimming in his eyes.

"It's okay Seungmin, I got it."

It was a just whisper. Like a siren's voice coming from beneath the surface. What a great parallel, you would have praised yourself in other circumstances. Among all the chaos happenings in and outside your head, you vaguely understood that you were taking somewhere else. It was dark, silent. The light wasn't blinding you anymore, your eyes could rest, the storm was now only raging in your head.

"I can do it... Please."

There's a brief movement that you can't even register in your haze before you feel warm hands engulfing yours. The feeling isn't disturbing, like Seungmin's hand was. You welcome it with a tight grip.

"It's okay to cry, don't hold it."

You really wanted to voice your confusion. Why would you cry? You just felt like you were dying, why would cry help.

"You just have to let it all out. This happens when you bottle up your emotions for too long, then you feel like you can't cry in front of other, or scream, because this is not socially acceptable, so you just hold it in."

The accuracy of the fact was almost scaring. Your eyes, unfocused, tried to identify the silhouettes before you, a choked sob escaping your lips as your legs failed you and you tumbled, your back hitting the cold wall behind you as the silhouettes carefully helped you towards the ground. It was cold. It was nice.

"And when you hold it in, you feel like you can't breathe. Like the world is closing up on you. Everyone is staring, but no one is looking. They can hear you, your thoughts, they can see your deepest secrets, feel how you feel... It's disturbing, isn't it?"

You try to nod, the memory from just a moment ago burning behind your eyelids, the hurt on Seungmin's face. It's not that you don't trust him...

"You just don't want them to see you like this. Vulnerable, pitiful...weird."

Another choked sob escape you, a puff of air leaving your lips, and you feel slightly better as you inhale. Only once, but it's better than zero.

"You don't want them to know that you lied when they asked you if you were okay. You don't want to fail them."

While the words utter by this person seems terribly accurate, it helps soothing the raging storm, which now seems to have been replaced by a grey clouds pouring down on you.

"But you're not failing anyone. They want to help you."

A ray of sunshine.

"It's not wrong to feel those emotions, to experience those episodes."

Another one. It's warm on your skin.

"You're not dying, noting's wrong with you, we're just here and we'll stay as long as you need us. We're not leaving."

Your breathing is back to normal, if not a little shaky, and you feel the ground you're sat on. You never really thought about it. But "There's always light at the end of the tunnel", right?

Your light is warm and comforting, leaving a tingly sensation in your head after each words spoken with care.

"It'll happen again. From now on, you'll have those panic attacks again, at random moments, whenever you feel overwhelmed, whenever you feel." the other silhouette says, his hands hovering over your cheek, not daring touching you. "It's not unusual to refuse help and shy away from the person whose opinion about us is the most important. Seungmin will understand."

And your light has a form and a name, and right now, two rays are shining brightly on you.

You bury your head in Jisung's neck as he wraps an arm around you and let your cry fill the room, Minho's presence on the other side comforting even if not touching you in any way.

"It's gonna be alright, we'll get through it together. You and I."

Jisung's words are not just that: words. It's a promise. At the moment, it doesn't even cross your mind that he sees himself in you, that he feels like it is his duty to help you. The way you're curled up into his chest, tears washing down your face, sobs escaping your lips without interruption. You look like a child. Scared.

But it's alright, because even if you don't know how you'll live with this, you'll manage. Jisung did, and you ought to be just as strong as him. Even if it means hiding from everyone but Minsung. It'll get better overtime, right?

#stray kids x reader #stray kids #stray kids fanfic #stray kids angst #poly!skz x reader #skz x 9th member

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sammygender · 27 days ago

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thoughts on how the sam & dean part of the fight before sam left for stanford went !

i am addicted to thinking about precanon so thank you for this <33

i think people r generally way too optimistic about how that initial seperation between them went. dean is awful to sam about stanford even years after he left and years after he came back!! hes still very visibly angry about it in s5 which is NINE YEARS after he left in the first place and refuses to even tolerate the idea it was a good moment for sam. i cannot comprehend how people think 22 year old dean had the emotional maturity to even let sam go without a fight, nevermind be supportive about it.

like. theres this amazinggg art on here of sam hitchhiking to stanford and all the comments are like 'erm that black eye would be from JOHN actually!' (side note but it is so funny to me how spn fans decide john hit them based on implication (which i agree w... to an extent...) but dean hitting sam onscreen multiple times somehow translates to 'DEAN WOULD NEVER DO THAT'. erm. okay.) 'nooo dean would've given sam a lift!'

and like. what show are you watching. if dean would've given sam a lift he would've done it to the bus station in moody silence and then locked the doors of the impala so sam couldn't get out to catch his bus to stanford and they would've started physically fighting for the car keys and dean eventually wouldve let sam get them and sam wouldve left. or something. but it would not be some sweet brotherly moment bc that directly contradicts canon <3

i do think the worst of the fight is between sam & john - that's always what's implied in canon - and in my head dean's just standing there stonefaced maybe refusing to even talk to sam until theyre left alone somehow and he breaks. but i also think dean hits sam at some point, will always have the image in my head of sam showing up to stanford w a bloody nose and fending off questions. (internally hes like no my dad didnt do this it was my brother so its fine. <3.) theres a scene like this in one of my fics so im just drawing from that. but. like....

idk how dean/john finds out. if dean found out before john, i think dean probably wouldve run to him about it in an attempt to get sam Not To Go as much as it would be nice if he didnt, so i reckon they have to find out at about the same time. i think sam is unsure what to expect from dean, who of course (as far as we see both in flashbacks and in canon) alternates between genuine care and support and angry, desperate possessiveness. he probably hopes for the best and expects the worst and gets the worst.

there r definitely lots of different ways it could go....maybe sam tells dean and dean tells john. maybe sam tells john without telling dean at all and thats how dean finds out which totally wrecks him. maybe sam tells them both at the same time. maybe sam never tells them and they find the acceptance letter. this is why stanford fight is sooo fascinating. i feel like i could write five different versions of it and all would be possible/interesting.

but whichever way, i just dont see dean as contradicting john. he generally Doesnt Ever precanon, this is established, he admits it himself, thats why its such a huge moment when he defends sam at the end of s1.....sam going on about dean 'protecting him' is 1. more subtle and probably to do with dean being the one to shoulder most of johns emotional baggage than the heller misinterpretation of 'john hit dean but not sam and thats what this means!!!' (tho i am sure dean did genuinely Protect sam sometimes including from physical violence. of course he did. this isnt to discredit that..i just emphasise the Sometimes.). and 2. partially just classic Sam Rewriting History (u always protected me from dad, from lucifer....girl he did those things very little certainly not always. know your worth sam winchester).

so if dean gives sam a very angry lift (to a nearby bus station...there is absolutely zero fucking way hes driving him to stanford and tbh i already find this quite unlikely but possibilities r interesting) its on john's say-so or at least not disapproval. which like. sure maybe. john certainly is concerned about sam's safety even after he kicks him out, checking up on him at stanford etc, id believe that hed want to ensure sam Gets there even if the fight ended up so bad he told sam he couldnt come back. tho hes stubborn and i dont think hed say it. so maybe itd be a case of dean kind of picking up that that's what john wants and complying even though right now half of him wants to never see sam again and the other half wants to tie him to the radiator so he can never leave. sorry i am literally brainstorming fic ideas in this ask answer now.

anyway....SORRY id say long ass answer as always but this is actually INSANELY long......sorry guys im about to embark upon getting tested for adhd and maybe then my rambles will be, while not shorter in length, more cohesive? tldr fandom is wrong dean is an absolute ASS during stanford fight. obviously sam leaving devastates him and how does dean cope with devastation or perceived abandonment do we think?? hm?? he is just as angry as john for the same and different reasons. and thats really so much more interesting than him being Secretly Supportive. <3

#SORRY SORRY OH MY GOD. THIS IS SO LONG.#normally id end up writing half of this in tags but this time ive said like everything in actual body of the post. who am i #spn #sam winchester #dean winchester #stanford era #would you rather #supernatural #oliver talks #loaded gun #second child #john winchester #sam & dean #sam & john #dean & john #woah lot of tags on this one.............#inspo #thank you theo my most beloved mutual <33

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kissesfordaryl · 2 months ago

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hi there!! i was wondering if you can do a fic or some hcs on daryl x trans male reader?? sfw or nsfw is up to you i just love the way you write daryl and wanted to see your take on him being with a trans partner :3

doesnt change a thing.

daryl & trans bf!

SO. SORRY. FOR. DYING. im gonna try and respond to some more reqs :( also for those who didnt know i mean ive never said it but i am trans ftm :p

in my head, he wouldnt even have a CLUE you were trans. daryl isnt the type to be in other peoples business or trying to guess what the fucks in your pants- at the end of the day, if he likes you he likes you.

and he likes you.

of course, being trans, you didnt know how to iust spring the info on him. daryl was what you thought a pretty typical redneck- but he was attracted to you- so hes not that conservative. but you were scared that there was still room for him to judge you.

as ive said before, daryl and you would take your relationship slow. youd dance around your feelings for a while, and so when you guys get more comfortable kissing, you just rip the bandaid off.

"daryl," he has to crane his neck to catch your words the way you're mumbling them, "i got something to say."

he shifts on his feet, setting his crossbow down. daryl recognizes the shift in your tone and prepares himself for the worst. what- you were tired of him now? realizes daryls just another piece of shit youve gotta string along? he grows more anxious at the thought, more agitated.

"i get it, y'know, if you feel different after this," the way youre pulling away is not helping his suspicions, "but ill just say this shit, alright? dee, im trans. i was... i was born a girl."

you watch as his eyebrows furrow in confusion, processing what you've said.

"the hell?" his voice is gruff, scoffing a little, "thats the shit thats made you all cracked out?"

his hand shyly comes up to tug you forward, already missing the contact, "doesnt change a thing for me."

he doesnt completely understand it though. youve him tucked under your arm when he perks up a little. "so you dont have a dick?"

you cant help the laugh that escapes you, fond of the older man. "mm, no. i wish."

he shrugs, laying back down as he tries to surreptitiously steal a glance down at your lap. "that sucks. having a dick is pretty nice."

when it comes to dysphoria, i think he would have the perfect way to trying to soothe you. as you open up about not feeling like a real man- or just overall having bad days- he's quick to approach you, calloused hands cradling your face. "youre the only man in my life. the best guy i know, alright?"

and you dont really realize what hes getting at: his dad was his first masculine figure in his life but he was a terrible guy. merle was better, kinda, but was still always leaving daryl hanging. but whens he with you, he feels safe, cared for, important, needed. its what you needed to hear.

again im sosososo sorry this is late ☹️

#daryl dixon x male reader #daryl dixon #darylxmalereader #kissesfordaryl #the walking dead #twd daryl #daryl dixon imagines #the walking dead daryl #daryl dixon drabbles #bottom daryl dixon #ftm reader #trans ftm

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seokmn · 2 months ago

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chapter XXXI : always and forever

wc: 1k words

lua’s note: this chapter happens a couple years after the last chapter

seokmin, who was resting between your legs, his head laying down on your stomach, sighed and closed the book before turning his head upwards to look at you

“so, what do you think? did you like it? give me a review like you’re reviewing a movie on letterboxd!” you said looking down at him, nervous and curious about his opinion on your book.

“okay, but can i be truly honest? youre not gonna get hurt?”

you nodded, “yes you can, bring it on, i can handle it”

“okay, but you asked for it!”, he said while sitting up to be able to talk to you face to face, “i loved it. i really did”

“really?”

“of course! i loved the way you showed how you started lacking confidence about not sharing a string with someone and how you got the confidence back. i think you really wrote it so well and really put your heart on it, this book shows your thoughts in such a transparent way and i think it shows your vulnerable side, but also your strong side as well, it made me feel like i was reading your journal and not a book, which can be a good or vad thing depending on who’s reading it.” he placed his hand on his chest and chuckled, “but i liked it. i also loved the way you wrote about how our string can be invisible for ourselves just like other people’s string is invisible for us and how you put in your book our conversation about our love being a secret that the universe doesnt know about. i really, really, really loved your book, yn. im proud of you”

you smiled, holding back your tears, “im so glad you loved my book, honestly it was such a crazy experience and journey writing this book and, since at some point the book tells about our story, your opinion is really important to me. at first, i thought you were going to say negative things about the book”, you chuckled.

he put a strand of your hair behind your ear before wiping away the single tear that was starting to run down your cheek, “youre so talented. im sure people are gonna love your book”. he hugged you, caressing your hair as a way of trying to soothe you since you began to cry, “they better be happy tears”, he said softly.

you chuckled, still crying, “yeah.. they’re happy tears. im really happy about my book, about my life in general and about us… i would never replace one single thing about my life, i couldnt be happier”.

he hummed softly while laying you down on his lap and holding your hand as you two began to watch the sea, the comfortable silence filling the air. you kept watching the sea, but seokmin’s eyes were glued to your hands, as if he couldn’t believe what he was seeing.

seokmin cleared his throat and spoke up, “uh.. yn?”

“yea, minnie?”, you said still watching the sea.

“i think the universe knows our secret now”, he spoke quietly.

“huh? what you mean?” you looked up at him, seeing his watery eyes and then followed his gaze, only to find your fingers intertwined with his and a string around your pinky fingers. your eyes widened, “what the hell?! how did- when did that happen?!?”

“i dont know,” he sniffed, “it wasn’t there when we were reading the book!”

“did we… did we just made each other our soulmates?”

“i think we did!” he chuckled between his sobs, “i didnt know this could happen”

“i guess we can choose our soulmate. come here,” you hugged him, letting him rest his head on your shoulder, “i would spend the rest of my life by your side regardless this happening or not. i already knew youre my one, but i guess the universe also knows that now. our love is not a secret anymore”

seokmin nodded, trying to calm down so he could speak without any problems, “i.. i dont know how, why or when did this happen, but im so happy it did. i love you so much, yn”

“i love you too, seokmin”, you leaned back to look at him, cupped his face and smiled at the sight of your loved one crying with a smile on his face, it was clear about how much love he has for you just by the way he looks at you, like youre a diamond, like you’re the only thing that really matters to him, “i love you so damn much”

you kissed him, placing your hands around his neck and he wrapping his arms around your waist. the kiss was slow, soft and full of love. once the kiss was broken and he rested his forehead against yours, looking down at your hands

“i cant stop looking at it. im totally mesmerized” he sniffed and smiled, caressing your hand, “cant believe now youre really my soulmate… people are never going to believe us”

“our friends will”, you said smiling.

“youre right, our friends will”

“you know, i think ill need to write another book now”, you chuckled, “another best seller? wow, my girl will become the best writer ever. not you arent the best writer ever already, you know”, he pinched your cheek and you rolled your eyes playfully.

“you spoil me way too much”

“maybe i do and ill probably spoil you even more since now i know its gonna be us always and forever”

“thats true.. its gonna be us always and forever ”, you said and kissed the back of his hand before laying your head back down on his stomach. you didn’t know how did that happen, maybe the universe was testing out you too or maybe you changed your destinies. you werent sure of anything but the fact that you love seokmin more than anyone could ever imagine, that his love is the most important thing in your life and that this love will last forever.

THE END

lua’s notes: and with that, invisible string comes to an end! i want to thank everyone who read it, interacted with it and enjoyed it. i really means the world to me!! im still thinking if i should post an epilogue or not so let me know if you would enjoy invisible string having an epilogue! also, let me know if you liked the smau, it can be as a comment or as an ask. your opinions about the history itself, the characters or the end are always welcomed 😁 thank you for supporting my work and i hope to see yall here again for my next projects. love you ❤️

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INVISIBLE STRING

in a world where when you turn 18 you share an invisible string with your soulmate that only you and your respective soulmate can see it, seokmin, also known as dokyeom, is an actor in the musical theatre world that doesnt have a soulmate and keep it as a secret. meanwhile, yn works in a bookstore and doesnt seem bothered at all by the fact of not sharing a string with someone. is it possible to change the destiny and find your soulmate even tho you dont share the invisible string with anyone?

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nogenderbee · 3 months ago

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♡˗ˏ✎*ೃ˚ ℝ𝕠𝕓𝕠-ℝ𝕦𝕚 ₊˚ˑ༄

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ @sucodelaranja86 request: UHI DONT KNOW IF ITS STILL OPEN BUT IF YES

Rui who gives a mini robo-rui for his s/o 🙏

(yes i am still obsessed with that)

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ DW I GOT YOUUU

I swear I loved writing it >w< Hopefully you'll like it a bit too!!

*ੈ✩‧₊˚ fluff

Rui has been acting really weird recently... sure, he is a little special snowflake naturally which you loved about him, but he's been even weirder than he usually is!

Because why is he so persistant on coming into his room first and panickly runs around whenever you visit him? And one day you even caught him putting some planket over... something... you have no idea what that is, since you never got clear look at it. But you were sure of one thing... he was hiding something.

Tho one day, you finally caught something more...

It started by him casually running into his room before you even get closer to the door and covering something with the blanket, fixing it by the time you entered, as if making sure you won't be able to see anything.

"What are you hiding there?"

"I told you before, you'll get to know that soon enough!"

"You said the same thing week ago..."

"It's simply... not ready yet."

You just sighed and made yourself comfy on his couch. Whatever was under that blanket cleaerly still on your mind, as you tried to figure out what it could be by looking at whatever was inside.

"Fufu~ Don't think about it too much..."

"Why's there 2 yellow lights?"

"Huh-?"

Looking back at the blanket, he noticed 2 gold lights that were still visible through materials... and he knows he got himself a problem right here, since he has to turn it off before it overheats... but you're also here...

"Darling... may I ask you to... turn around?"

He scratched the back of his neck, a bit nervous and embarrassed he had to ask you to do something like that just because of his mistake.

"Oh no, I'm getting to know what it is. It's about time after what... 3 weeks?"

"2 and a half..."

Boy sighed to himself, letting his hands drop to his side. His eyes looking for any sign of cooperation from you, yet your crossed arms were a clear sign to him... you weren't about to back away...

"Alright... just... please keep in mind I'm not sure about it yet..."

"It's okey!"

You reassured already excited to see what he was hiding for so long!

Once he lifted the blanket, you saw... Robo-Rui? It looks like it... it's similiar to Robo-Nene from the s tyle it's built, but it looks like Rui instead of looking like Nene...

"Is this..."

"Heh~ You said so many times you'd love a Robo-Me... and since our anniversary is coming up... I thought you may like it..."

He was clearly flustered now. As if not sure if you'll thank him or call him a weirdo for what he did.

"Seriously?! I love it!!"

But luckily for him, your eyes were already sparkling with happines once you saw the robot and heard why he made it! Giving him a big reassuring hug, which he gladly took and let his arms relax.

"Hm~ Well... would you like to see few options? I can't let you take it since it's 99% safe, and... I'd prefer to not risk with that 1%..."

"Oh asbolutely! I'll gladly see whatever you have to show me!"

"Well, my dear... you already saw the lights, which I planned to be a little source of light for you at all times or even to scare off some people when you put it in the dark~"

"Haha~ Of course you had that idea..."

"Can you blame me? But! There's also like... 12 other functions of which 10 are ready, and today, I'll be showing you... 6!"

He was clearly not a lot calmer as he explained and showed you few functions of the Robo-Rui, not wanting to show you all, so you'd still have some stuff to discover on your own when he finally gives it to you!

﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌﹌

@bleachtheidiot @akitosheart @yulikesminori @toyaswif3y @bl4cktourmaline @superstar-ethereal @stellas-starry-stories13 @alicewinterway18 @hakulivesformusic @wabatle @sucodelaranja86 - come get your crazy inventor~

#project sekai #colorful stage #x reader #project sekai x reader #colorful stage x reader #project sekai colorful stage #project sekai colorful stage x reader #rui kamishiro #rui kamishiro x reader #project sekai rui kamishiro #project sekai rui x reader #fluff #project sekai fluff #oneshot #project sekai oneshot

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fanofthelamb · 4 months ago

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lovely art you make please never stop!!!

WAAA TOO SWEET. thats it. MOREEEEEEE ART DUMP!!!!!!!! im not sure how many of these i posted but!! i think mostly it's all new!!!!!!!

I wonder if this'll become a thing for me. BAHAHAH

scrapped ref page i've made before ^^^^^ it was similar to nari's except it turns out the red's color jitter was too extreme.... the grren was AMAZING tho. Comments with the pieces btw!! and 30+ pics I think?! So expect a long ass post. :) this isn't even all the unposted art, just the stuff I thought was good enough to post!

First thing's first! How about a comic I never posted? I was kinda embarrassed by the writing of it, but this WAS just something to help Rue. (You might notice a lot of the art in this thread was sent to Rue and never posted. Sorry Rue. little of this is new for you. sone is tho. orzzzzz)

Woah? The lamb has feelings? The lamb has bad feelings about their past?? Who knew. Shocker. (also LMFAO AT NARI IN THIS HE REALLY SAID "oh ur crying? I'll give you a reason to cry")

something to kind of help storyboard out the animation i'm tryna work on. its not going well. turns out that shit is hard.

and some beyond the grove narinder. yall eat BTG nari UPPPPPP.

speaking of BTG? how about some panels of a future page? Chapter 1 still. feel free to laugh at how strangely i draw the draft. ti works for me!

back to normal nari. IN PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS isnt actually a drawing it's a real image taken of me and rue

i dont know if i posted this or not, actually. i am not a big fan of it, though.

i need to draw leshy and val more </3

idk if i posted kalladad either BAHAHAHAHA

also, i dont know if i posted THIS either. i dont SEE it but i could be wrong ?

now how about a couple of kissing booth scraps?

long with the scrapped comic where narinder kills and eats the face of the goat. </3 rip that thing (the goat LOVES fighting and LOVES someome who can beat thier ass almost as much)

and some heket bullying her brother (she wuvs him tho)

i dont know which acc i posted this to, actually. i drew this bc rick kept reposting halflife shit BAHAHAHH

oh and here's a vent piece or two i made with annona. they seem harmless enough to post i guess? i wish i made more content with them.

i jsut wanna chew them between my molars like a marshmallow.

this si also sometihng i made for rue BAHAHAHAHAH HAVE I POSTED IT? IDK.

and of course, the least toxic totally-not-abusive-as-fuck pairing of lamb and the red crown. this isnt exclusively BTG related but I dont know how much interest people would have with him being a character on FOTL? he is 1000% having his own role as his own charavter in BTG though.

oh, and this guy i wanted to post forever ago, but i needed time to adjust to his design. this is the best i have made of him and it might be what sticks. he's leshy's uncle. (took worm baby in after both his siblings went missing)

more nari, because he's my most popular scrumplie. probably bc i draw him the most and a lot of my stuff is nari centric. nude nari because i literally couldn't think up what i wanted to draw on him. i was gonna edit clothes on later and forgor BAHAHAHA

i actually dont know if i posted this too? this is tyar and baal <3 baal was pretty shocked to have learned vitas was tyar's spouse. he's still not ready to talk about it, but he does want to ask the lamb about it one day.

and some childhood memories i never finished.

i MIGHT have posted this one ?

i posted pieces of this page but here's the full:

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beepboopkek · 11 months ago

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— I will always come to your aid (AFAB!Reader)

AMAB!Reader has also been posted! including: Jing Yuan cw: !!NSFW!!, afab!reader, grammar and spelling errors possible, pwp but barely, hinted that reader has a s1ze k1nk, f1ng3r1ng, reader is a little sarcastic, still spreading my Jing Yuan is a Bastard (affectionate) agenda, masturbat1on, getting caught masturbat1ng, d1rty talk, cum eat1ng, no use of y/n, reader can be interpreted as the trailblazer but they are NOT stelle/caelus, safe sane and consensual w/c: 2k a/n: people liked strip starchess so much so here is another one of my brainrots... i dont usually like this troupe that much but i find myself excusing anything and everything for jing yuan so here we are. for my male reader likers i got u, its being posted right after this so you guys can enjoy too :3. also just remember that this is NOT stelle/caelus, its the you haha, i dont like shipping the raccoons with anyone as a personal pref so im just making that clear :3. anyways same warning as last time this is like my third time writing smut and also english isnty my first language. enjoy!!

The crisis on the Xianzhou Luofu was mostly over.

Which meant you had to leave the man you had fallen head over heels in love with.

Well— love may be an exaggeration but you weren't fucking around when it came to him.

Jing Yuan.

Your eyes had been hooked onto him the second you two met, his pleasant smile, his calm demeanor, his body—fuck, everything about him enamored you.

You could only wish that there was some other universe where he reciprocated your feelings.

You departed with a respectful nod of the head, despite wanting to smoosh your face between his pecs and cry about never getting to see them again.

The only hope that you did have though, was the jade abacus he had gifted you and your companions.

“No matter how astronomically distant you are, The Luofu Cloud Knights will always come to the aid of the Crew, whatever your need may be.”

Of course, his next sentence was to not use it for trivial matters when he saw March’s reaction, much to your amusement.

There was a discussion on who should keep the jade abacus, March being ruled out first much to her annoyance.

It landed between you and Dan Heng and given his history with the Xianzhou Luofu, he handed it to you.

That's how you ended up here, standing in front of your locked door with the abacus in your hand.

What if you grip it— You need to rinse your brain with cold water at this point…

You flopped onto bed, letting the exhaustion of the day seep into your bones as the plush blanket and pillows surrounded you.

You threw the abacus to your side, you'll take care of it later, not like you're gonna need it right now anyway.

Your mind flooded with images of Jing Yuan, his voice and everything you had been through together.

Fuck.

Your hand drifted towards your pussy, already feeling some wetness gathering at the thought of what you were about to do.

— Touch yourself to the thought of the General of the Cloud Knights on the Xianzhou Luofu, one of the most powerful beings to ever exist in history.

You shook your doubts away, he's just Jing Yuan to you.

You took off your shorts in record speed, tossing your panties along with it.

You never really touched yourself that often so you tried to imagine your hand being his instead.

You rubbed your clit, gasping at the cold touch of your fingers on the warm flesh.

How would he touch you?

He'd take his time, surely. He's not one to rush things— He'd work you open slowly for his cock—fuck, you're sure it's in proportion with how goddamn large his body is.

You moaned as you inserted two fingers inside you. You wanted to imagine Jing Yuan doing it, really, But, you also wanted an orgasm quickly so you can sleep. So, you just decided to go with imagining his voice talking to you.

You pistoned your fingers in and out, curling them at the spot only you could reach with your much smaller hands.

It was too intense, the thought of his deep voice guiding you through was enough to get your orgasm to graze along the edges of your belly slowly, building up to be a strong one.

You grabbed the blanket next to you, gripping it tightly as you whispered Jing Yuan's name and continued thrusting your fingers inside you.

You swear the normal part of your brain recognised you gripping an object while gripping the blanket as well but you were genuinely too out of it to care in the slightest.

You're just about to orgasm when everything in your room rattles, as if there's an earthquake.

Which should be impossible considering you are literally on a massive train that travels through space.

You let go of the blanket and sit up in shock, looking around to see what happened.

…With your fingers still inside you.

“Followers of the Nameless, I am here to assist you, tell me about the situ— Oh.”

You blinked.

Jing Yuan blinked.

Oh. Fuck.

You scrambled, ripping your fingers out and slapping your lower half with a pillow.

“J-Jing Yuan I-”

You gulped, trying to calm your racing heart, you just got caught masturbating by your crush.

Life is going great.

Your cheeks and ears were beet red now, opening and closing your mouth as you tried to say something, anything to get you out of this situation.

Jing Yuan was just as surprised, if not astonished, by the scene that had unfolded in front of him.

He was finishing up some paperwork that Lady Fu had so kindly delivered to him in the Alchemy Commission when suddenly, the jade abacus he had clipped to his belt loop started vibrating.

Not one to panic, he quickly unhooked it and got it closer to his ear, so that he could hear what the Express were asking of.

What he didn't expect was to hear the voice of his crush, the one that he has acquired after decades of not entertaining any romantic relationships, whispering and calling out his name.

Okay, maybe now he should panic.

Without a second thought, Jing Yuan summoned his weapon and gripped the jade abacus back, signaling it to teleport him to your location.

Paperwork be damned he would rather lose a hundred years of his life if it mean you would be safe.

That landed him here, in front of a half-naked (and very surprised) you.

He dissolved his weapon into thin air and folded his arms against his chest.

“Well, this is a surprise.”

“Wow, you don't say.”

Jing Yuan raised an eyebrow at your tone.

“S-sorry, I don't know how you got here.”

An interesting turn of events.

“... Did you not call for me?”

“No, Why would I? Even if I did, how did you just…magically appear here?”

“Oh, dear.”

“What?”

“The jade abacus. I think you… I think you gripped it while you were…busy.”

He looked into your eyes and back down at the pillow that was barely covering your lower half.

“The jade aba—”

You cut yourself off, turning to your side to where you had thrown it, only to find the wretched object to be in the center of your crumpled blanket.

“Fuck.”

“Jing Yuan— I am so, so , so, sorry, I swear this was an honest mistake and I'll—”

Jing Yuan cut you off with the raise of his hand. “I forgive you.” “Really? Great let me j—”

“On one condition.” Of course there’s a catch. You sighed begrudgingly.

“What do you need help with?” “Quite the opposite, actually.” Your eyes widened but before you could let out your protests, Jing Yuan spoke up again. “You let me help you finish.” The gall of this man.You’re still going to take the chance that he doesn’t know what you were doing. “Finish what?”

You tried to sound innocent but your voice came out breathier than you wanted it to be. “Dont play coy now, you know exactly what I mean.” Your face burnt in embarrassment as you looked away. Jing Yuan dragged your desk chair and got it to the front of your bed before sitting down and making himself comfortable, propping one leg on the other and leaning back. “Go on, show me exactly what you were doing before I got here,hm?” “I can’t.” Jing Yuan paused, shit, had he misread the situation? Maybe he should—

“I can’t do it without you.” You had covered your red face at this point, way too embarrassed to look him in the eye while speaking. Jing Yuan just about lost it at that, abandoning all doubt and pouncing on you, grabbing your face to take you in a devouring kiss. He threw the pillow covering your bottom half in a random direction, quickly pecking you on the cheeks before pulling your hand over his. “Guide me.” You nodded shyly and pushed his hand towards your dripping pussy again. Fuck. His hands were just the way you imagined them. Warm and big, enough to hold your own two hands.

His hand (under your guidance and insistence) cupped your pussy and grinded the heel of his palm into your sensitive clit. “I’ve barely touched you, were you this wet while we were talking,hm? Did it turn you on to have me catch you in such an embarrassing state?” Jing Yuan whispered in your ear as he hovered over you and you thanked every aeon known for this opportunity because fuck, your imagination did not do any justice to how good the general was. Jing Yuan dipped the tip of his finger in your core, not entering but adding just enough stimulation for you to feel something there.

“Answer me.”

“No, I swear I didn’t, Jing Yuan, please—”

Jing Yuan smiled, he didn’t know you would be this easy to subdue.

He gently thrusted his finger inside, watching your face for any discomfort or resistance.

But, he was only met with your blissed out face, as you gasped in pleasure from his ministartions.

“Were you able to reach here?” He curled his finger upwards, hitting your sensitive spot just right.

You threw your hand over your mouth, pinching your mouth shut and praying, once again, to all the aeons you knew that the other passengers on the Express were dead asleep and couldn’t hear you. Granted, your room was the last in the carriage and had a decent amount of sound proofing but, you were still not risking it.

Your snapped out of your worries when Jing Yuan pushed in another finger alongside the one that was already in you.

“It looks like you’re getting distracted, maybe I’m not doing my job well enough?”

“N—Fuck, Its good, I’m sorry—Shit—”

Jing yuan simply kissed your head affectionately like he wasnt fingering you to hell and back right now and picked up the pace of his fingers.

Your hand was just gripping his wrist and you werent sure if it was to egg him to continue or get him to slow down and stop.

Maybe both.

Your head rolled back on the bed, exposing your bare neck to Jing Yuan as he immediately took the opportunity to cover your neck in kisses, Aeons be dammed. There's no way hes letting you walk out of this room unmarked and not carrying any proof of the evening you spent with him.

You gasped as your orgasm finally, finally overtook you. You shook in the general’s grasp as he continued thrusting his fingers in and out, drawing out the pleasure.

Taking his soaked fingers out, he popped them in his mouth, savouring the taste while you recovered from the intense bout of sensations you just went through.

You propped yourself up on your elbows again, looking at Jing Yuan owlishly as your head cleared from the horniness.

Jing Yuan only smiled at you before holding your head and kissing your forehead again before gathering you in his arms.

“Call me old fashioned or old but I do believe in the proper process of courting someone and,”

He looked into your eyes as he cupped your face in one palm and brushed the thumb along the seam of your chin.

“I think we skipped a few steps.”

“Yeah, no shit, general.”

He laughed at that, his chest shaking as the deep sound rumbled from his throat, you blushed again.

You were in the arms of the man you’ve wanted to kiss since you stepped foot on the Xianzhou ship.

You covered your burning face with your palms again as Jing Yuan’s laughter died down into little chuckles.

“We did all of that and youre getting shy now?”

“Shut up. You have no idea how much I’ve wanted this.”

“Wanted what? To get fingered by me?”

“No! — I mean that too, I guess, but I meant being held by you! Stop playing games, Jing Yuan.”

Jing Yuan only laughed as he took his free hand and grabbed your hands, turning them towards him one after the other and kissing the palm.

“I jest, I jest. But, I must stay here for the night. I’m afraid I cant travel back to the Xianzhou Luofu seeing as we aren’t closeby.”

You smiled.

Jing Yuan’s eyes twinkled in mischief right back at you.

“Be my guest.”

#jing yuan #jing yuan x reader #honkai star rail smut #honkai star rail x reader #jing yuan smut #jing yuan x you #afab reader

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graysnetwork · 10 months ago

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⊰Mr. Nonchalant⊱

info- spent half of the day writing this cause I was out of ideas but also bored and stuff. And i still have some requests i still have not done but for some reason i just get stuck. So i'm sorry if you requested and i've never done it.

warnings: wounds mentioned (cut/gash), blood

Summary: Keegan is only ever sweet with you, and it's finally dawned on him that, he likes you, a lot.

Keegan is so sweet with you.

He’s literally so nice to you, helping you with anything you need. And everyone on base fully believed you two had a thing going on because he was only nice to you, until you stared at them in confusion because you had no idea what they meant. There was nothing going on between you guys.

You thought he was just a nice guy who liked to help everyone, but you were wrong, kinda. He was a nice guy who did like to help, just you.

He was a dream though, he helped you with everything; from training, to grabbing things from high places for you. And to add to that, he was handsome. He had those beautiful icy blue eyes, and he was always clean shaven, he had downturned lips, and short messy black hair. He rarely took his mask off, but with you he did. Barely anyone knew what he looked like. Only the people he trusted knew what his face looked like. You had only joined the team as a medic for them this year so the rest of the team thought it was surprising he let you see his face since more than half of them have only ever seen his mouth when he lifted his mask to eat.

In Keegan’s perspective, he knew he was being very nice with you. There wasn't a particular reason. He just always wanted to be nice to you. You were pretty and super kind to him so he wanted to be kind to you as well. He was asked constantly by his teammates if you two had something going on and he denied everything, though, he wouldn't deny you if you wanted something to go on.

He was starting to realize his stomach did flips whenever you were around, and his face got hot under his mask when you stared at him through your lashes, and his mouth went dry when you asked him a question. His pupils would be blown out at the sight of you, or just the thought of you.

And he was such a serious guy, but for you…

He would even try to crack a joke or two when you were around just to hear a giggle come out of you. And he had very, very dry humor, and all of the jokes he told you were terrible but that's half the charm.

When Logan finally asked Keegan about you, his cheeks went red, and he stuttered like a kid presenting in front of a class. He was a total mess when it came to you, as a topic. When he was actually talking to you, he was totally fine. But Mr. Nonchalant was acting very chalant about you.

–

You sat in front of keegan staring at the wound on his side, you began stitching him up. His face contorted into an expression of pain, his groans intensified as you reached the middle of the slit.

“m’sorry… but i'm almost done” you whispered and he groaned back as a response. “S’fine sweetheart, dont worry about it, just hurry.. please” he whispered, You nodded and finished stitching the wound. Keegan sighed as you finished, he closed his eyes, sat back in his seat, and relaxed. “thank you..” his voice barely above a whisper. “are you okay?” you asked and furrowed your brows “im great, feeling better already” he muttered back, “good, i'm gonna go get you ice” you smiled and went over to the fridge and grabbed an ice pack. His eyes followed your figure, and your voice, he smiled and watched you.

“y/n, can we talk?’’ he muttered again, “of course, About what?” you perked up your brows, “..us..” he whispered, his stomach felt empty and he felt like throwing up. “what about us?” “well, i uh.. I need to talk to you about something” he gulped and he took his eyes off of you as you sat back down in front of him, he couldn't look at you anymore now, his eyes wandered everywhere except towards you.

“about what keegan?” you asked and placed the ice on the wound. “I-” he let out a shaky sigh as he sat up again trying to relax as he kept the ice on his slit. “I love you y/n” he whispered, your eyes widened and heat ran up your neck to your cheeks, you felt hot, not in a good, sexy way. Like you were having a fever.

“Oh wow..”

That was the only thing that could come out of your mouth at the moment.

“Yeah.. I love you. And it's fine if you don't even remotely like me back, because i love you so much that i just want you to be happy” he got up slowly from the chair, still keeping the ice against himself “ even if that means i don't get to love you, but i want you to be happy, and if that means no me in your life then that's fine, super fine, not fine with me but if it makes you happy, then i'll say it's fine…”

“I want you” you gulped and stood up in front of him, “really?” his brows perked up and his stomach did flips. “Really.” you nodded and took in a deep breath and exhaled deeply. “good were on the same page..” you gulped once again, “yeah.. So, do you wanna go out some time” he asked, "sure, " you smiled sheepishly. “When we go out, i promise i'll actually have flowers for you and i'll tell you ‘i love you’ properly, y’know, flash mob and everything” he smiled “don't do that, please” you giggled.

He stepped closer,put his hand on your cheek,

And he leaned in and kissed you.

Your arms wrapped around his neck as you kissed him back, gosh, he was a great kisser. His other hand found its place on your waist and he didn’t pull away, neither did you. It seemed that the two of you didn’t want this moment to end.

Nobody, if they were in this situation, would ever dare to pull away from this euphoric movie scene. You could probably pitch this as a movie scene, handsome shirtless soldier kissing a medic after admitting their love for each other.

Gosh, he was a good kisser.

#imagines #x reader stories #fluff #call of duty #keegan p russ #keegan russ #call of duty keegan #cod keegan #keegan russ x reader #keegan p. russ x reader #keegan x reader #keegan russ x you #keegan russ fluff #keegan p russ x reader

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laithraihan · 6 months ago

Note

now i’m kinda curious to hear what you think of proshipping.. if you don’t mind of course

I'll share my thoughts, and if theres anything I say that doesnt make sense feel free to point it out to me because I mostly write with the help of a translator. Under the cut because I wrote too much stuff.

TLDR: proshippers hate me because I dont want to look at glorified depictions of pedophilia/incest/etc, antis hate me because my content isnt 100% sanitized. I stay around anti circles because I find it slightly easier for me to talk about my headcanons with them even though I think they can be insufferable.

So the thing about proshipping. From what I've seen it means being "anti-harassment" and being in support of curating your online experience, which sounds great on paper and that's practically what I do. I have over 3k accounts blocked on my personal twitter to navigate the website more easily and I also dont care if someone blocks me if they dont like my stuff.

Except proshippers never consider me a proshipper because I am uncomfortable with viewing glorified depictions of topics like pedophilia, incest, rape, all that stuff. The same way people are uncomfortable with excessive blood and gore (which I also can't really handle seeing). Whether or not it's always easy to tell if it's glorified is an entirely different topic, which is precisely why I stay away from all depictions in general to avoid being intrusive.

And what's interesting is that I do not label myself an "anti". Mainly because I don't even know what the term "anti" is supposed to mean ("anti-" what exactly. Genuinely please tell me because I actually dont know) But the ones who label themselves "proship" always call me an anti, because again I do not wish to engage with content related to pedophilia etc, and that alone apparently enough to be considered "a person who harasses others over fiction" even if I mind my own business and have no interest in forcing my personal tastes on others, especially if they make it clear that they wont change their mind. Which makes me believe that for a lot of self-identified proshippers, the definition of being "proship" would be more similar to "I love fucked up stuff and if you dont then youre lame and it obviously means you can't tell the difference between fiction and reality" which honestly seems like insecurity to me.

Forgive me for bringing up this up once again but I want to mention an example to make it easier for me to explain: yknow the whole thing with me drawing Minori and Reigen and labelling it "non-cp" which caused a wave of both self-identified antis and proshippers harassing me over that (I'll say that proshippers were more bold about it since the antis harassing me were all anonymous). Proshippers saw me saying "I dont ship that" and interpreted it as me being defensive and in denial, as if I said "guys I swear Im an anti !!! please dont think im a proshipper !!! ", when I meant "I dont want to discuss this with others in a shipping manner because thats not how I see it and I dont want to enter a space Im not comfortable with"

I admit I responded to this situation in a petty manner, but this was after several days of harassment done directly in my inbox and publicly (sometimes I wish yall remembered that group chats and priv accounts exist). My point is that simply saying you don't like seeing pedophilia in fiction is enough for proshippers to believe it's justified for them to harass you over it (and I'm fully aware they'll say it's not harassment, only when antis and "puriteens" do this to them then it's harassment)

Now about the anti side. Don't get me started on them either. If proshippers see me as an enemy then this must mean that I always get along with the ones who call themselves "antis" (I do not). Note that Im only talking about adults here, I dislike beefing with children and I think their feelings about this are entirely reasonable (I'll elaborate on this when talking about internet safety)

But anyways. I think a lot of adults are discourse-brained and do way too much. Im thinking of nonsense like "this ship is problematic because they are 'sibling-coded' so thats basically incest" "siblings giving each other a hug gives me proship vibes" things of that nature. And you're not allowed to do anything that even has the smallest possibility of being interpreted as "problematic", because then they'll harass you for it, and if you clarify your intentions, they expect you to apologize for "misleading" them because clearly they didnt do anything wrong by making assumptions about you.

There's almost no room allowed for creativity with them, everyone has to follow fanon because they consider it canon, if you ever want to try something other than the same boring domestic fluff then it's "too much" (and not even platonic affection is acceptable to draw in certain cases). Which is incredibly fucking boring to me who wants to see different types of content. People even said I was enjoying incest for drawing Reigen selfcest, and that I was "making others uncomfortable" by drawing it. Genuinely seems to me that they only care about moral superiority, that they never think about anything in depth, and I dont think they realize that it also shows in what they create: boring and repeated fanart and headcanons where the only thing you can say about it is "thats cute", nothing more because you saw it ten billion times already. You cant draw two people showing platonic affection that absolutely nobody would bat an eye if it happened in real life, you cant discuss something specific in more depth without people saying you have a fetish for it, and then they'll harass you based on their speculation that it's a fetish. I dont think many realize this, but fandoms are full of autistic people, so it's normal to see people who are interested in very specific things that dont make sense to others! I wish people were less judgmental, but at the same time I dont care if people think Im weird. I think what I mean is theres no reason to mistreat weird people who do no harm to others.

So yeah if you call yourself an "anti" I'll assume youre spend too much time engaging in fandom discourse and you're the type of person to believe that fanart where two people are holding hands is the equivalent to drawing them fucking each other. Which I think is a very childish mindset to have and it's worrying that many adults think this way. I also think that as an adult they should be capable of blocking stuff they hate instead of constantly arguing with people online because at this point it's just mental torture.

The thing about internet safety I mentioned earlier, I'd say this is the one thing that I'll always prioritize discussing whenever proship discourse comes up.... To put it simply: filter and limit the visibility of your content, do not put triggering stuff in the main tags, stay in your own circles. Whether or not you believe fictional rape/pedophilia/etc is bad is irrelevant, my point is that these are objectively triggering topics and should be filtered just like how there are warnings for violence and blood even if it's not real.

"But it's the parents' responsibility to control what kids look at online, this has nothing to do with me!" and I agree with the parents being the ones Primarily responsible. However the reality is that children are online and there's nothing you can do to stop it from happening. Kids will also enter spaces theyre not allowed in, theyre children and children are rebellious especially teenagers, I was like this as a teenager too. You'd be lying if you said you were always obedient since childhood and never did anything you were told Not to do. And you can't really expect teenagers to always block and not interact if they see something triggering. It's your responsibility to block them if they interact with you, because what I see most of the time is adults bickering with teenagers who are uncomfortable, calling them "puriteens", putting them on blast and allowing other adults including NSFW accounts to dunk on them.

Humiliating and degrading teenagers does not "teach them a lesson", it only makes the teenager more stubborn and reactive. Adults must accept that kids will always find their way in there even if your content isnt easily accessible. So I think it's stupid to feel offended at a child because they got upset when they found upsetting content like how any normal child would react. Which is why I wish more adults would keep blocking without saying anything petty to provoke teenagers.

Before someone pancake-waffles me and says "so youre fine with antis doxxing people" no I do not support doxxing. Ive been doxxed so I know it sucks. However the only times Ive seen it go this far is after continuous arguing because nobody knows when to stop. Im not saying this applies all the time nor am I saying doxxing is fine, but there are ways to minimize this sort of outcome as much as possible. Both sides have doxxed people over petty arguments that couldve easily been avoided if they just blocked each other and moved on.

The topic above (internet safety) is probably the only thing related to this where Im actively telling others what they should be doing. It's not only teenagers who are triggered by depictions of pedophilia etc but also adults like myself. In my case Im old enough to block content I dislike without saying a word, however I cant help but think that there's not enough being done about filtering especially when I do not search for this type of content and I still see it all the time.

I also think it's important for me to mention that I have a very poor sense of morality. I do not have a personal moral code that I adhere to, and I mostly stick to the basic universal ones that make sense to me. So I will not discuss the "morals" of consuming this stuff because I am not adequate to share an opinion on this, and I know the most popular topic of discussion related to proship discourse is morality which I frankly find counterproductive. I dont understand why people should care so much if I find something morally correct or not, unless it's to make themselves feel better about having a "superior opinion" to mine. Though I will say that if a man tells me he's into rape "but only in fiction!" then I dont think it will stop me of imagining myself bashing his skull repeatedly with large rocks. Maybe Im too mistrustful of men in general.

Final point I want to clarify is that I am not trying to assert some sort of superiority over people by disliking both sides, like saying "Im not an anti or a proshipper Im a Normal person" or something like that, and Im not expressing a "neutral" stance on the topic of fiction's influence on reality either. There are topics like racism and orientalism in fiction that Im vocal about (which is expected since Im Algerian). I genuinely believe there are many things that are interesting to discuss and should be prioritized, but too many people are chronically online, subjective and defensive, at this point I dont even think it's accurate to say that disliking one side automatically means you support the other side regarding fiction. To me, "proship discourse" is not about the debate of the effects of fiction on reality, censorship in media, etc. It's about everything I described earlier that happens online.

#asks #hopefully this doesnt start anything bad

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