#of course i had to use lesbian jesus's song lfsdlfkdslfkdsf

[powertuffs-blog]

; cliff’s edge

@neurcxses​

all yumi knew was loving too much and too hard. she gave all of herself to those her attention was directed to. often they were her closest friends, but more often than not yumi diverted all her attention to idols, the people she couldn’t touch but see---the people presented to her in a neatly wrapped, digestible package.

and that was what she was used to. she was use to loving too hard, exerting effort just to express this love for somebody that would never return it to the same extent she was giving it. at first, it took her some time to internalize that fact, to swallow the hard pill of truth. for a while, yumi lived in a delusion where the people she admired would love her back.

but yumi grew up, she grew older and realized that their worlds would never collide. no matter how much money her father had, no matter how much she begged him to get their attention for her---yumi soon learnt that the world didn’t revolve around her. no matter what she did, she would never have a chance with any of the people she loved. they were stars, unreachable, untouchable and she was hwang yumi. a senior in high school that was close to getting a probation because of her lack of attendance.

yumi never really liked going to school. her classmates didn’t like her either, poked fun of the way her haircut looked, imitated the way she would freak out whenever new content from exo notified her from her phone. she never liked school ever since her friends graduated. it sucked being the youngest out of all of them.

and perhaps she was a little too attached to her friends, jinsu, soyeon, hani, ahreum… but towards soojin more than anyone. soojin was her best friend, soojin was the one that was always there for her and even if she lacked the affection yumi always showed to her, still, yumi knew soojin loved her. as a friend, of course.

they were best friends, sometimes pulled on each other’s hair or kicked each other off the bed when the other was being annoying. but soojin would never let anyone make yumi cry, soojin would always defend her, take the beating for her and protect her from any harm that would come her way. maybe it was tough love, but yumi knew somewhere in there that soojin loved her as dearly as yumi loved her. and their friendship was something yumi could rely on, the feelings were mutual---reciprocated, soojin took care of her as much as she took care of her. she found comfort in it, some sense of security.

but threat came in the form of a boy with nice hair and a nice smile, guitar skills to match those of classical rockstars, stage presence that would leave the audience wanting more of him, the voice of an angel and yet possessing the tempting power of the devil at the same time. he was daehyun. and sure, daehyun was nice to her but she knew about his reputation. he played with girls, jumped from bed to bed and didn’t care if he hurt anyone in the process.

she didn’t know when it started, but jealousy started to consume her. it was a green monster that suffocated her, felt as if her heart was being squeezed inside someone’s palm, her insides felt as if she was being gutted and seeing daehyun and soojin hang out more often always left a bitter after taste in her mouth. she was being replaced, daehyun was taking her place in her life and yumi couldn’t even do anything about it.

but she shouldn’t be jealous---they were bestfriends after all, and soojin always chose her over daehyun. and yet the thought of soojin dating daehyun, soojin kissing daehyun, soojin being with daehyun romantically made yumi want to cry. and she didn’t understand this feeling, but she feared it. she feared the jealousy that was eating her up and she couldn’t even bring it up to soojin. so she did instead what she thought was the best decision. she took a step back, avoided soojin and ignored her. maybe this way she could ignore the feelings she was only realizing now.

“i’m not ignoring you.” she insisted, hopping on her bed and hugging her favorite pillow. soojin finally managed to get a hold of her after avoiding her for an entire week. and instead of her feelings for soojin dwindling down, it only intensified the more she tried to keep it in---the more she tried to pretend as if she didn’t like soojin.

“i just got really busy.” she said, almost lying through her nose and avoiding the other’s gaze. she couldn’t lie to soojin to save her life. and the other girl always seemed to see through her anyway. her fingers picked at the ears of the pillow, upper teeth chewing on her lesser lip. “i found new friends, i just wanted to hang out with them more, you know?” lie.