#od jury

[bitwa-lektur-szkolnych]

Dzień dobry drogi ludu, staram się zazwyczaj nie wrzucać tu prywaty, ale...

Mam dzisiaj bardzo ważną poprawkę o 14 i z nadzieją, że jest wśród was przynajmniej parę wierzących osób naprawdę przydałaby mi się jakaś zdrowaśka, albo przynajmniej parę ciepłych myśli o powodzenie 😭

[izel-scribbles]

need everyone to go listen to this guy's music and come back to me once you Understand how malevolent coded i- hey why are you taking the mic away

[haru-dipthong]

Ep 4 of my Utena fansub is out!

This has absolutely been the toughest episode yet. It has several difficult phrases, the most dialogue of any episode up to this point, and a few phases that are really important to future episodes and core themes.

This episode's translation discussion

ねえ、じゅり先輩

Can I ask you something, Juri?

The bane of every translator’s existence — 先輩 (senpai). As I’m doing with 様 (sama), I definitely don’t want to include it untranslated as an honorific, but unlike 様 (sama) there’s no English word that could possibly be used in the same context to convey similar information. Instead, I’m trying to slip in some of the hierarchy in the characters’ general speech patterns. Here, the translation invents a whole sentence for Miki to show a bit of deference to Juri, instead of using the honorific.

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テクニックでねじ伏せるようないつもの迫力じゃなくて、なんだか音に潤いを感じるよ。

Your technique is usually so forceful and commanding, but today the notes have a kind of richness to them.

According to jisho.org, ねじ伏せる means “to twist someone's arm and throw them to the ground”. 迫力 means “force, impact, strength”. Touga’s verbiage here is intentionally violent. It indicates that underneath Miki’s polite, almost feminine demeanour and appearance, lies a boy who is already being moulded by patriarchal forces into a force of oppression. It was important to keep that hint of Miki’s potential for violence and oppression in the translation.

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前に言ってた、輝くものでも見つけたのかな？

Did you ever find that "glow" you were talking about earlier? (from ohtori.nu)

It seems you may have found that guiding light you were telling me about. (my translation)

This was a really tough translation, and one that has implications for the future, because I believe 輝くもの is used when listing the council’s reasons for duelling in later episodes, so the translation I chose needed to fit in that context as well.

Depending on the kanji used, もの can mean either “thing” (物) or “person” (者). A Japanese transcript I found actually uses the “person” kanji excusively. So it could be translated as either “something that shines” or “someone that shines”. I think I managed to preserve this ambiguity in the translation: “guiding light” could be a literal light, or it could be a metaphor for a person who’s very important to you.

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自分の中に永遠の美しさを持ってないと引けない曲なんだ

It's an ode to a beautiful life, where things never change. You need to believe in that to play it.

The Japanese literally translates to "This is a song [you/I] can't play unless [you/I] carry [eternal beauty/the beauty of eternity] within yourself". The subject of the sentence is omitted - is he talking in general or specifically about himself? Is 永遠 here acting as a noun (eternity) and の marks 美しさ as belonging to it (beauty of eternity) or is it acting in the genitive case and modifying the noun 美しさ instead (eternal beauty)?

These are all questions that matter in terms of making sense of the line, but not in the immediate sense of the translation, because the translation pivots on a different axis: 自分の中に…持ってないと. In english, translating this literally (carry … inside yourself) sounds unnatural. I think the Japanese gives more of an impression of carrying a worldview of eternal beauty; of seeing the world as a world that has eternal beauty. Textually, what Miki is talking about is carrying a dream of reliving the happiness of the past again, and then keeping it forever. He’s desperately trying to preserve that perfect time in his life, with him and his sister side by side playing that song in the sunlit garden. That's actually what this is about. And his duelling loss, and the scene where the image of the garden shatters, represents him finally being forced to move on from that need for permanence.

Permanence (or as most translations have it, “eternity” — 永遠) is a core theme of the work. All of the characters, in some way, are trying to preserve a form of status quo, or regain and retain a status quo that has been lost to them. Though Miki uses the word 永遠 here, I decided not to directly translate it. Rather than relying on the recurrence of a single noun to carry this theme, I wanted to allow the theme to stand on its own merit. I think translating it variously as “permanence”, “eternity” and other edge cases as I’ve done in this line ("where things never change"), will allow me to better convey this theme of wanting to keep things as they are, and the necessity of change and of letting those things go.

-----

Thank you to my editor @dontbe-lasanya (I still can't believe I get to say "my editor" lol), I'm sure it was as tough to edit as it was to translate!

For all episodes released so far, see the below drive folder. Be sure to follow the blog for updates if you want to watch along!

[bitwa-lektur-szkolnych]

Drogi ludu, wszyscy wiemy jak straszna jest teraz sytuacja w dużej części naszego kraju, jest nas tu może niewiele, ale w takiej sytuacji liczy się każdy grosz. Jeśli tylko możecie, dorzućcie się, a niezależnie od tego, podajcie dalej!

THE SITUATION IN POLAND RIGHT NOW IS TRAGIC AND IT'S GETTING WORSE

Southern Poland is under massive flooding, towns and villages are failing to keep the water away, some are already under water.

Here is a fundraiser to help the victims of the flood

please rb or donate if you can

[cuubism]

nanowrimo

oops

the grand ambitions... they were not met this year 😂

however! i did finish a few things:

Happenstance (dreamling meeting-between-meetings), with bonus epilogue

"Ooh, Kinky" (dream gets horny when hob does nice things for him)

Wish (dream and hob's weird baby)

Responsible Decision-Making (the consequences of not taking your eldritch birth control aka Wish pt. 2)

"Ode to Winter" (winter drabble)

Nightingales ch. 10 about Dream and Hob moving in together

[and just after Nano] the melting press of the sun pt. 3 (post-fishbowl dreamling slowburn ft. dissociation and "coping" with trauma)

also made progress on or started a bunch of stuff, jury's out on which ones ultimately come to fruition however

[new] human dreamling 80s au in which i, fascinated by the visual contrast of 1989 dreamling, attempt to answer the question "how the fuck would these two people even meet"

part 3 of the spy hob au

the sheltered rich boy dream & feral child hob "human-ish" high school au which i've teased before

a post-fishbowl dreamling slowburn that's actually kind of about writer's block (ironic, then, that i've been picking at it for a whole year)

[new] Wish part THREE where I try to conceive (haha) what Dream's weird eldritch pregnancy would be like

Nightingales ch. 11 about the Magdalene Grimoire

fic about the intricate rituals of offering sex as a reward to the guy who rescued you who you definitely don't have any feelings for

[new] prince dream and bodyguard hob modern royalty au (can't escape this trope apparently, if i had a nickel for every time i got into the king/knight dynamic with dreamling i'd be able to buy a house)

Complex Math AU installment about Dream and Hob's elopement

smutty knight hob and prince dream medieval fic part 2 (see??? there it is again)

Silly Rabbit installment about escapism in storytelling

and also, the cursed dreamling bachelor au

I have too many WIPs is what I've learned.

[a-modernmajorgeneral]

At the ancient Olympics in Greece, athletes weren’t the only stars of the show. The spectacle also attracted poets, who recited their works for eager audiences. Competitors commissioned bigger names to write odes of their victories, which choruses performed at elaborate celebrations. Physical strength and literary prowess were inextricably linked.

Thousands of years later, this image appealed to Pierre de Coubertin, a French baron best known as the founder of the modern Olympics in 1896. But today’s Games bear little resemblance to Coubertin’s grand vision: He pictured a competition that would “reunite in the bonds of legitimate wedlock a long-divorced couple—muscle and mind.”

The baron believed that humanity had “lost all sense of eurythmy,” a word he used to describe the harmony of arts and athletics. The idea can be traced back to sources such as Plato’s Republic, in which Socrates extolls the virtues of education that combines “gymnastic for the body and music for the soul.” Poets should become athletes, and athletes should try their hand at verse.

That philosophy was a driving force at the 1912 Stockholm Games, where organizers introduced five arts competitions as official Olympic events. Modern history’s first written work to win an Olympic gold medal was “Ode to Sport,” a prose poem by Georges Hohrod and M. Eschbach. It begins:

O Sport, delight of the Gods, distillation of life! In the grey dingle of modern existence, restless with barren toil, you suddenly appeared like the shining messenger of vanished ages, those ages when humanity could smile.

Over the following eight verses, the poets sing Sport’s praises. “O Sport, you are Honor! The titles you bestow are worthless save if won in absolute fairness. … O Sport, you are Joy! At your call the flesh makes holiday and the eyes smile. … O Sport, you are Fecundity! … O Sport, you are Progress!” And so on.

Today’s readers are often underwhelmed by the first poem to win gold, describing it as “florid,” “saccharine” or “overblown.” But as far as the 1912 jury was concerned, Hohrod and Eschbach knocked it out of the park.

“The great merit of the ‘Ode to Sport,’ which, in our view, was far and away the winner in the literature competition, was that it is the very model of what the competitions [were] looking for in terms of inspiration,” wrote the jurors in their report.

It’s perhaps unsurprising that Hohrod and Eschbach understood the spirit of the competition, the fabled marriage of muscle and mind, so acutely. That’s because they were pseudonyms for the man who had conceived the whole idea: The author of “Ode to Sport” was none other than Coubertin himself.

The first major excavations at Olympia, the Greek sanctuary that hosted the ancient Games, began in the 1870s. While previous digs had revealed ruins around the Temple of Zeus, the large-scale efforts that followed uncovered sprawling structures and thousands of artifacts.

At the time, Coubertin was a teenager living in France. He had already seen the ruins of ancient Rome on family trips as a young boy, and now he was hearing all about the excavations at Olympia. He had recently started attending a Jesuit school, which provided him with a classical education and strengthened his burgeoning interest in ancient Greece.

“[Coubertin] was raised and educated classically, and he was particularly impressed with the idea of what it meant to be a true Olympian—someone who was not only athletic, but skilled in music and literature,” Richard Stanton, author of The Forgotten Olympic Art Competitions, told Smithsonian magazine in 2012. “He felt that in order to recreate the events in modern times, it would be incomplete to not include some aspect of the arts.”

The baron’s fellow organizers never fully shared his vision. After a few false starts, Coubertin formed the International Olympic Committee (IOC) in 1894, and the first modern Olympics took place in Athens two years later. But the inaugural 1896 Games included only athletic competitions, such as the discus throw, swimming, fencing and pole vaulting. Several new events debuted in 1900 (among them water polo and archery) and 1904 (boxing and lacrosse), but muscle and mind remained firmly at odds.

Coubertin pressed on. When officials announced that Rome would host the 1908 Olympics, the ancient city’s selection evidently set the baron’s gears churning. On August 5, 1904, he published an article titled “The Roman Olympiad” on the front page of the French newspaper Le Figaro, writing:

The time has come to enter a new phase, and to restore the Olympiads to their original beauty. At the time of Olympia’s splendor … the arts and literature joined with sport to ensure the greatness of the Olympic Games. The same must be true in the future. … Let the Romans now give us such a typical Olympiad and reopen the temple of sport to the ancient companions of its glory.

Coubertin argued that the partnership of sport and art had “outlasted the destruction of Olympia,” and the time had come to “restore this ideal completely.” Now that the first three modern Games had gotten the ball rolling, it was “possible and desirable to bring muscles and thought together again.”

Two years later, the IOC held a conference to seriously consider “to what extent and in what form the arts and literature can participate in the celebration of the modern Olympiads.” The event program listed several arts categories that were under consideration. Under “literature” were two bullet points: “possibility of setting up Olympic literary competitions; conditions for these competitions” and “sporting emotion, source of inspiration for the man of letters.”

Coubertin gave a rousing opening speech, doubling down on the metaphor of muscle and mind’s remarriage. “I would verge on being untruthful if I said that ardent desire compels them to renew their conjugal life today,” he said. “Doubtless their cooperation was long and fruitful, but once separated by adverse circumstances, they had come to a point of complete mutual incomprehension. Absence had made them grow forgetful.”

Officials ultimately agreed to add five arts competitions to the upcoming Olympics in 1908: literature, painting, sculpture, music and architecture. All works entered into these categories, collectively named the Pentathlon of the Muses, would need to be inspired by sports, restoring the ancient harmony that Coubertin had envisioned.

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2024: #06 & #05

06. SWEDEN Loreen - "Tattoo" 1st place

Decade Ranking: 19/116 [above Halo, below Adrenalina]

Alright, fine, we've arrived at Loreen. There are plenty of conflicting emotions swirling around in my head, but overall, yeah, you know how I feel about her. It hasn't changed. She's very good, but I'm not obsessed with her. This is where those entries rank.

Let's tackle the elephant in the room: Tattoo is a good song and a boring, uninspiring winner. The two aren't mutually exclusive. Loreen's victory was determined the second she won Melfest, by default. It was unsatisfactory for two reasons:

(1) The moment Loreen was picked the casuals that remembered "Euphoria" immediately started praising her while ignoring everyone else, and this of course snowballed into the biggest jury coronation since Salvador. Lol that the same casuals that were obsessed with Tattoo preshow became upset when she beat Käärijä. What else did you think was going to happen? it was YOU who kept touting her as the best without giving as much as dismissive look at her competition, of course the Eye of Sauron was fixated on her and no one else.

(2) Käärijä. For better or for worse, this year will be remembered as the year Cha Cha Cha was robbed by the juries for the sake of Sweden. Käärijä was not without his own set of problems which directly led to his demise (which we'll tackle when we get to him because this post is about Loreen), but he WAS the year and it was his loss specifically that left a bad aftertaste in many mouths. It's always better when the underdog beats the overdog, and not the other way around.

Once the dust settled, everyone pledged fealty to the crazyparty Fin while "Tattoo" was quickly replaced as the basic gay anthem by "Padam Padam".

However, neither of those things are particularly Loreen's fault?

What I can ascertain is that Tattoo is not Euphoria, obviously. A lot of the love for Tattoo was spillover Euphoria nostalgia. That's fine, but I meant their thematic differences went understated - Euphoria was an ode to the eternity of love, while Tattoo specifically is about the love fracturing apart and Loreen's inabilty to move on - in other words "Euphoria" was a victory, while "Tattoo" always felt like more of a defeat. It's a subtle difference, but one that should always lead to Euphoria being ranked AHEAD of Tattoo, jesus christ ESC250 voters.

However, this is still Loreen, and a lesser Loreen is still lowkey epic. Eventhough "Tattoo" is probably the least good Loreen song, (technically because it's a Cazzi Opeia song with a Loreen sound - "You're stuck on me like a tatoo-oo-oo that is a Cazzi hook if ever there was), it is still a good song. Loreen proved although she's now at an age where her memory is starting to fail her, forgetting essentials such as clipping her fingernails and paying her taxes, she still has the attitude and flat stomach of a cougar ready to pounce. All credits for Tattoo's successes belong to her, SJB and no one else.

And, not unimportantly in a audio-visual medium such as Eurovision, Tattoo also looked really good on the stage. It had A Vision, which is what every winner needs nowadays. Again, the staging is great but also... not that grat lol - it's not the best staging ever. It's not better than Euphoria's or even Vesna's that we'll talk about later. Nevertheless, the song was beautifully framed under the confined space of that impromptu photocopier and Loreen's choreography. The staging was dynamic, artistic and gave the impression real stakes were involved. It Understood The Assignment. It made the song *pop*.

I specifically really LOVE the wide shot during the bridge that really anchors the devastation and desolation she sings about.

It's one of those money shots linger in your mind after the song has ended.

So overall, yeah, Loreen is not my winner or even a top fiver for me, but oh well, whatever? She was a dull winner compared to Käärijä but not an undeserving one. She's still a solid eight-and-a-half out of ten. She alone provided the triple threat of Good composition, Stunning Act and Killer Execution, so ofc juries flocked to her if they're instructed to assess the overal package. If you still think they robbed Käärijä (they did not.) remember that Loreen was solidly second in nearly every televote behind him. If he were destined to always lose Eurovision 2023 like I now believe he was, it's definitely only Loreen who should have taken the W here.

-------------------------------

05. AUSTRALIA Voyager - "Promise" 9th place

Decade Ranking: 17/116 [Above Adrenalina, below Manizha]

Sometimes the reason is "I like music." Many were surprised Voyager came top 10, but not I. To repeat a common question one final time:

HAVE YOU HEARD THE SONG?!?

Well-executed ProgMetal, at Eurovision! By a charismatic lead! Of course it was going to get a good chunk of jury votes from a group of people that know more music beyond what gets radio airplay. As Danny sings, if you haven't done anything like this before, you haven't been alive, sillies!

Going into the contest though, I wasn't fully sure Australia would grab the top 10 I envisioned for them. Like sure, I saw the vision. But my predictions come from Antwerp, not Delphi and the visions I see don't always come to pass. Voyager were hit the hardest by the fandom's latent misandry for daring to be men (+ Simone). Then again, if the fandom got their way, "Padam Padam" would win every year (lol can you imagine what a nightmare that meta would be? especially because "Padam Padam" isn't even that good to begin with) and not songs that are effectively Synthwave with Metal instrumentation. This is a combo that leads to immersive moodpieces, and not the high energy spikes you might expect from metal.

But what this blog if not for its appreciation for moodpieces and what was "Promise" if not A Mood immortalized by Voyager into An Experience. Danny playing the keytar on the bonnet of his delorean, or nearly choking on a chicken sandwich while getting 12 Portuguese points, THOSE are MY little joys in life.

Everything on stage suits a wholesome song about ~promising your loved ones you're in this life's adventure together, ride or die~, which as a message hits home even harder since Danny's cancer diagonosis (not like this affected their placement here - Australia were coming 5th on this ranking since the beginning).

And let's be honest, "Promise" is a just really good song that doesn't need frills or embellishments, but it got those anyway with everyone's fun adlibs.

It's like S10 or MARO, not the flashiest entry nor the most iconic staging, but never the less, the personality came through well enough to merit revisitations when I have a craving for it. Besides, we need a diverse array of genres at Eurovision, to ensure the bar remains high and we don't get a year full of Liars and Firefighters. "Promise" defo fit that bill well. It was good to have A Real Song into the mix, and one that was very deservedly was rewarded with a top ten placement.

If you think that a bad result, then that's fine. I agree with you, but mostly because I think Australia should have come top five and were robbed by the televote. 🙂

THE RANKING

[medicatedmaniac]

The Mataaho collective is a group of four Māori women artists from Aotearoa New Zealand: Erena Baker-Arapere (Te Ātiawa ki Whakarongotai, Ngāti Toa Rangatira, and Ngāti Raukawa), Sarah Hudson (Ngāti Awa, Ngāti Pūkeko, and Tūhoe), Bridget Reweti (Ngāti Ranginui and Ngāi Te Rangi), and Dr Terri Te Tau (Rangitāne and Ngāti Kahungunu ki Wairarapa).

They have won the Golden Lion from a jury at the 60th Venice Biennale for their large-scale work Takapau in the main exhibition.

The 200sqm suspended weaving is made from six kilometres of fluorescent trucking straps, 480 stainless steel buckles and ratchets, and 960 J-hooks – safety materials used in labouring jobs.

We come from working class families, our materials are an ode to that. This is reflective tape that you will see on safety gear in the labour workforce. Intended for high-visibility and often paired with fluorescent colours, these uniforms are meant to be seen- although the individuals wearing it become an insidious level of invisible. This is for those whose labour is relegated the background, to our parents and siblings, we celebrate you. - Mataaho Instagram

“We all come from working class whānau [families] and the materials we choose to use are a mihi [tribute] to them, who may not feel at home in the art gallery – we like to use materials they know and experience every day, so they have something to recognise in the art world.” - Sarah Hudson

More on Takapau and its creation here

Photographs by Ben Stewart

[bitwa-lektur-szkolnych]

Mam nadzieję że jesteście z siebie dumni

[myslodsiewniav]

Jestem studęęęęętkoooom!

26.01.2024

Trochę dziś odpoczęłam, trochę się pouczyłam. Nadal jestem niewyspana, zmęczona i czuję się przeziębiona, ale jest lepiej niż wczoraj.

Pogotowałam psórcię na psiakajki do psiadków - jedzie już dziś na 4 dni. Denerwuję się, ech... Pierwszy raz to nie ja ją odwożę, boję się, że mój chłopak będzie przemęczony.

Większość poranka (poza gotowaniem podrobów dla pieska i szykowaniem porcyjek) spędziłam na rozmowie z pracownikami odpowiedzialnymi za dział organizacji studiów na uczelniach: z dziekanatem moich obecnych studiów i dziekanatem szkoły w której wygrałam nagrodę. Dogadałam wstępnie kilka spraw, inne wyjdą do dogadania i dopięcia dopiero po tym, jak otrzymam promocję na kolejny semestr (muszę z każdym wykładowcą uzgodnić indywidualny grafik - a póki co nie ma jeszcze nowego grafiku). Jeszcze inne wyjdą myślę, że w połowie marca (gdy zaczną się zajęcia na tej drugiej uczelni - póki co dostałam zapewnienie, że w razie czego mogą dla mnie nagrywać wykłady, żebym mogła oglądać je w inne dni, a ćwiczenia będę konsultować indywidualnie ze specjalistami w dogodnym dla mnie i dla nich terminie). Cieszy mnie, że zarówno moja obecna uczelnia i jury konkursowe (a z nimi nauczyciele z niebawem mojej drugiej uczelni) są totalnie otwarci na uelastycznienie mojego grafiku.

No to chyba... oficjalnie odbieram nagrodę. Rozkładam to co muszę zapłacić na raty... i zaczynam. Zaczynam od marca tok indywidualny.

JARAM SIĘ.

Ale też się boję. Już teraz mam gęsto...

I walczę cały czas o stypendium - dziś kolejny egzamin. Pierwszy raz jestem tak blisko stypendium. Muszę mieć osiągnięcie ogólnokrajowe - okazało się, że mam obecnie dwa xD Jedno to wyróżnienie w konkursie foto, a o zapomniałam zupełnie, bo tyle czasu minęło, ale dziś mi przypomniano - brałam udział w projekcie, chyba naukowym, na pewno prezentowanym w środowisku naukowym, dotyczącym właściwości barwierskich roślin z różnych miejsc Polski. Pracowałam z próbką z Rezerwatu Przyrody przy Pustyni Błędowskiej. I okazało się, że album został opublikowany w grudniu 2023... więc mam publikację ogólnokrajową (zobaczymy jak to będzie wyglądało w zestawieniu na uczelni).

Czyli na ten moment - mam wygraną w konkursie i publikację. Ten element jest odhaczony. Teraz muszę znaleźć się wśród 10% studentów z najwyższą średnią, którzy mogą wnioskować o to stypendium. I czuję, że mam ambicję by się faktycznie w tej grupie znaleźć.

Ale.

Nie będę się pałować o oceny - przede mną "język polski", ucieszę się jeżeli zdam na 3. Dzisiejszy egzamin też będzie trudny - podobno egzamin z tego (dzisiejszego) przedmiotu odsiewa studentów (ten i socjologia), a po przejściu przygotowanych przez prowadzącego repetytoriów "przykładowych pytań" to... Ech. No dużo wkuwańska od nas oczekuje. A ja nie mam zamiaru wkuwać rzeczy - za stara na to jestem. Jeżeli nawet pani od "polskiego" (myślę o niej bardzo ciepło <3) zapowiada, że uczy nas, żebyśmy wiedzieli, znali podstawy, ale jest przeciwna ciśnięcia nas, że "na pamięć i kropka". Uważa, że lepiej nas uczyć skąd czerpać rzetelną wiedzę, gdzie weryfikować co jest błędem, a co nie i jak być uważnym na zmiany języka. Podoba mi się to podejście - inna sprawa, że nie mogę tego od razu zastosować BO NIE WIDZĘ SWOICH BŁĘDÓW OD RAZU (i z tego powodu obawiam się tego egzaminu). A pan z dzisiaj z jakiegoś powodu upiera się, żebyśmy znali na pamięć nazwiska twórców teorii, pamiętali daty ich publikacji (żeby to jeszcze miało sens, żeby te teorie dotyczyły tego samego zagadnienia, ale NOPE - każda dotyczy innej dziedziny, nie widzimy jakichś postępów czy wzajemnych wpływów tych teorii na siebie, rozwinięć - poniekąd każda jest rozwinięciem pierwotnej, ale każda dotyczy innej dziedziny, więc o ile sens widzę w zapamiętaniu dziedzin, próbie zapamiętaniu autora, to data moim zdaniem sensu nie ma)...

Dużo pytań jest praktycznych i trzeba to mocno przekminić by się nie walnąć. Podoba mi się, że to są pytania na myślenie, nie tylko z teoriami, ale też z wykorzystaniem czynnie tej wiedzy, są trudne, chodzi w nich często o rozpoznawanie niansów, ALE egzamin będzie trwał 10 minut, a czasem trzeba się nieco zastanowić zanim się odpowie...

No i co gorsze - to ten sam Pan, który zrobił fakap 2 tygodnie temu podczas egzaminu zerowego w wyniku czego wiele osób nie zdało.

No zobaczymy.

Póki co wychodzi mi, z repetytorów, że tak na 67 - 75% zdaję. Nie wiem jaki jest próg zaliczeniowy, ale mam podstawy obawiać się, że 5 tym razem nie dostanę.

:P

Był - jest! - problem z ludźmi z roku.

Ech. W skrócie - ucząc się do poprzedniego egzaminu przygotowałam ściągę. Tj. uczyłam się przy okazji graficznego przedstawienia materiału do nauczenia, szeregując go względem siebie zgodnie z tym co wykładowczyni zapowiedziała, że będzie wymagane. Zrobiłam kilka stron. Napisałam na naszej grupie grupy ćwiczeniowej czy chcą ściągę, czy może mają już przygotowane własne xD (w końcu nie pierwszy raz studiuję). Chyba zostałam źle zrozumiana, bo NAGLE jakiś chłopak (jeszcze muszę wyczaić który to na żywo, bo wydaje się miły i kompetentny) zamieścił w odpowiedzi dla mnie plik. Gość zebrał WSZYSTKO, esencję z wykładów w jeden plik tekstowy. Super. Łatwo szukać haseł itp. Masę pracy w to włożył. W odpowiedzi na jego wiadomość podesłałam dla wszystkich te moje ściągi. Podziękowałam mu, masę ludzi się odezwało też dziękując mu i mi.

Wydawało mi się, że to będzie pierwsza okazja jakiegoś takiego budowania wspólnoty - może naiwnie? Może jest coś infantylnego w myśli "ja się czymś podzielę, otworzę to inny chętniej otworzą się na mnie"?

Ech...

No i wychodzi wczoraj (czyli 2 tygodnie od zdarzenia opisanego powyżej) na tej grupce, że jakiś chłopak (nie wiem który to na żywo, nie wiem czy kiedykolwiek go widziałam na naszych zajęciach... albo profilowe ma po prostu bardzo stare) pyta resztę grupy czy mogą mu podesłać materiały do nauki na ten dzisiejszy egzamin. Jakaś dziewczyna odpisuje natychmiast "już tobie wysłałam na priv", gość to serduszkuje. Poprosiłam czy laska też mogłaby mi to podesłać. I NIKT się nie odezwał. NIKT. Serio, grupa 30-osobowa i wszyscy milczą. We wiadomości prywatnej odzywa się dziewczyna, która mówi, że muszę podjechać wyżej w konwersacji "na grupce głównej". Sprawdzam. Nie ma nic - nie mam w tej konwersacji. Proszę ją o potwierdzenie - na tej grupce naszej grupy czy jest jakaś grupka roku (o której istnieniu nie wiem). Nie odpowiada od razu. Jak może odpisuje, że na głównej jest. Jak podesłałam coś-tam-innego to znowu walnęła, że to widziała na głównej właśnie (ja nie widziałam, więc to jest ta "główna" do której nie mam dostępu. Wyjaśniam jej jak jest, do czego mam dostęp i do czego nie i poprosiłam (wprost) czy może mi podesłać te materiały. Milczy - do teraz, ponad dobę później nic nie napisała...

Co jest?

Czuję się chujowo w takich chwilach...

Boli mnie bycie ignorowaną.

Napisałam do dziewczyny z którą siedziałam na zajęciach niedawno, rozmawiałyśmy o poezji na przerwie, a kilka tygodni później wysłane przez nią pytania też były ignorowane przez resztę roku - nikt jej nie odpisywał. Wtedy odezwałam się od niej na priv i omówiłam z nią temat. Wczoraj ta dziewczyna odczytała i po chwili przyznała, że ona też nie wie o co chodzi z "grupą główną", ale kiedyś dostała z innej grupy plik - i wysłała mi plik z esencją wiedzy. Z hasłami i kolorkami (YEEEEEEES).

No i ten plik miał treści, które ktoś totalnie opracował w stylu w jakim nasz wykładowca zadaje pytania na tych repetytoriach. Super!

Można powiedzieć, że mam z tą dziewczyną sztamę.

Ale... no niesmak jest.

Sytuacje społeczne na tym etapie "wczesnodorosłym" są trudne. O ile - ufając słowom mojego partnera i wielu innych osób - po mnie nie widać mojego faktycznego wieku, wyglądam na babeczkę o dekatę młodszą, to jednak w sposób oczywisty widać, że jestem starsza od większości ledwie 19-letnich studentów na moim roku. Widziałam, że na roku mam 2 kobiety mniej-więcej w moim wieku - jedna zawsze ubrana jak do pracy, cały jej wizerunek to "jestem kompetentna i wiem co tu robię", zawsze przychodzi na te 11h zajęć na zajebiście wysokiej szpilce w kozakach - podziwiam (szczerze, nieironicznie podziwiam - ja bym tego obuwia nie wybrała ze względu na wygodę, jednak przyznaję, że wygląda obłędnie, ale ta laska nie wydaje się cierpieć, musi mieć zajebiście wygodne te kozaki - podziwiam jak dzieło sztuki), zawsze z tabletem pod pachą, skórzanym neseserkiem z kubkiem kawy (nie mamy na uczelni starbuksa, ale gdyby był taki kubek by nosiła wszędzie, serio, to jej atrybut). Druga laska stawia na wygodę - ewidentnie jest młodą mamą, ma fajne dresowe spodnie, wygodne bluzy (zawsze rozpinane - stąd moje domniemania o niedawnym udziecieniu), miała też ten charakterystyczny brzuszek po porodzie (nie wiem jak wygląda teraz, bo 1 - nie specjalnie się za babeczką rozglądam, 2 - dawno nie mieliśmy zajęć stacjonarnych).

Obydwie babeczki się spiknęły na drugim zjeździe (przedtem siedziały osobno), w kolejce do dziekanatu xD a potem do kibla. Też stałam w obydwu kolejkach, tylko trochę przed nimi, stąd wiem, widziałam, część mimo chodem słyszałam.

Obydwie podkreślały, że grupa rówieśnicza tutaj mocno młoda jest i są tym zaskoczone. Że one żyją trochę innego rodzaju problemami niż te poruszane przez kolegów i koleżanki wychodzących na fajkę: mają pracę, rachunki, spacery z psem, serialik, ogarnianie opiekunki do dzieci, opieka nad chorym rodzicem itp. Zaznaczę, że dogadały się bardzo sympatycznie (bez tej pogardy czy pobłażliwości wobec innych studentów - bez postaw o których pisałam w okolicach października i listopada, które przejawiały inne studentki 25+ usłyszane na wykładach wobec większości osób studiujących). Aż sama do nich poczułam sympatię. Pomyślałam optymistycznie, że te babeczki już mają ogarniętą komunikację w sposób dojrzały (aka - jak pytasz to odpowiedzą, nawet zwykłe "nie wiem" - bez ignorowania), więc zdecydowałam, że wyjdę z inicjatywą i nawiążę kontakt przy okazji.

No i przy próbie nawiązania kontaktu wyszło, że jednak ta wyższość czy pogarda jest xD

Chyba przy automacie z kawą obydwie wpadły na mnie, stojącą w kolejce. Ta pierwsza oczywiście miała już swój kubek z kawą, druga dopiero chciała zamówić. Zapytała mnie o coś (o coś związanego z automatem), odpowiedziałam, ale od razy zagadnęłam o coś innego odnośnie wykładu (jedna z nich, ta w kozakach, udzielała odpowiedzi na forum roku - wdała się polemikę z wykładowcą, mówiła ciekawie, chociaż się z jej podejściem nie do końca zgadzam). No i oczywiście pozycja otwarta: odebrałam kawę, ustawiłam się do nich frontem, uśmiechnęłam się otwarta na rozmowę. Obydwie były zaskoczone, uniosły brwi. Zestresowałam się i doprecyzowałam, że dopiero co na wykładzie coś-tam twierdziła, chciałam z nią o tym podyskutować, bo jej punkt widzenia był ciekawy. Na to obydwie panie po sobie spojrzały. To spojrzenie coś mówiło, ale też było w nim dużo politowania, trochę śmiechu i ta w kozakach machnęła ręką w moja stronę (jakby odganiała muchę), a potem rzuciła zmęczonym tonem "jak kiedyś będziesz pracować zawodowo to sama to zweryfikujesz" i wtedy odwróciła się (tak by na mnie nie patrzeć), wyciągnęła telefon, koleżance powiedziała, że poczeka za załamaniem korytarza, aż ta zamówi kawę. A koleżanka tylko rzuciła okay i z totalną ignorką na mnie odwróciła się do automatu.

O.O

No zatkało mnie.

Serio, zgasiła mnie, nie wiedziałam co w tamtej chwilii powiedzieć.

Zatkało mnie bardzo xD Zaskoczyło mnie, że można mieć 30-40lat i dalej być mean girls.

Po co?

(serio - po co zachowania w tym rodzaju, jak już masz rozwinięty mózg? Doświadczenia jakieś? Co tam się wydarzyło? Na co miałam wpływ? A jak wiele rzeczy się podziało po tej drugiej stronie? Jakie założenia na wiele tematów założyłam ja, a jakie one? Ech)

I tak szczerze to ta sytuacja jest absurdalna... no okay, to nie wyglądam na swój wiek, ale jednak studiuję zaocznie - można założyć, że należę do 90% osób, które muszą pracować by się utrzymać.

No i wychodzi mi na to, że znowu jestem outsiderką: dla 19-nastek jestem w oczywisty sposób "za stara", odstaję, a dla lasek 30-40 jestem zbyt smarkata (chociaż mogę być od nich starsza xD)

Ech...

NO I DALEJ.

Zadzwoniła Pani od zadania rekrutacyjnego. Jej zespół ocenił moją pracę, ocenił moje możliwości i po przeprowadzeniu rozmowy telefonicznej itp itd, zapraszają mnie w poniedziałek na rozmowę kwalifikacyjną!

YEEEEES!

No to dość szybko się dowiem czy mam pracę czy nie.

[belog-grada-crna-princeza]

„ne, ti nisi otišla

još si tu

još stojiš tu

u senci grana..”

A ja govorim sebi, tu si, sad ćeš. Još malo. Samo si skoknuo nešto do prodavnice. Do Maksija tu iza ćoška, da tvoja sreća ima čime da se počasti kad dođe svome deki. Tu si, izaći ćeš iz spavaće sobe, izvini srećo, deka je malo dremkao... tu si, sad ćeš, da mi kažeš da na faksu sednem u prvu klupu, da me profesori zapamte i obavezno sve da zapišem. -Deda, nije to kao u tvoje vreme, nama to sve sad stavljaju onlajn... -A ma pusti ti to, pisana reč je pisana reč. Gledam baku, samo plače i priča kako joj je prevelika bol u grudima koju suze ne mogu da olakšaju. Gledam tatu koji juri kao muva bez glave jer svaki tren na koji zastane je novi krug pitanja bez odgovora. Gledam striku koji nije bio na sahrani jer bi istog trena skočio za tobom. Gledam ih i deo mene ne razume. Ne razumem, jer tu si. Sad ćeš da pustiš one tvoje pesme i da mi ispričaš kako ste pešačili 10km po snegu do škole. Da ti vidiš te lepote srećo, moj Drvar; a ja ću ti brisati suzice.

Zatvorim oči i vidim sve to.

Zatvorim oči i pitam: gde si?

A ti mi pošalješ pesmu od Doris, baš kad pričamo o tome kako je vama tamo iz tih krajeva malo trebalo za sreću. Ili film sa istom rečenicom koju je tata maločas rekao i bebica u filmu se zove Marko. Ili reklamu koja nasumično prekine nešto što gledam na YouTube-u i reči „znao je od početka da će sve proći, mudar čovek to zna i ne žali ni za čim”.

I ja dobijem svoj odgovor. Isti onaj koji sam sve vreme i znala.

Ne, ti nisi otišao. Još si tu.

-Katarina

[sinderelaa]

Pod svjetlima Skopja

Pronađoh te pod svjetlima Skopja

Grada što ne spava, bar tad nije

Činilo se da je uvijek nekako budan

Vazda ljudi ima

I na glavnome trgu

I u svakom od šoping centara

I u svakoj čaršiji i na svakome bazaru

I kod svakog kipa, a ima ih puno

I na svakoj klupi gdje sjedi zaljubljen par

I na svakome trotoaru gdje plače djevojčica

Sve to pokriše svjetla Skopja

Ne vidi se ni ko je tužan, ni ko je sretan

Ni ko plače

Ni ko se smije

Ni ko, pobogu, diše

Ne vidi se ni ljubav, ni mržnja

Al se osjeti sve

I tvoj pogled pod svjetlom Skopja

Koji sadrži i tugu, i sreću, i mržnju, i žal i bol

I ruka što stoji u zraku i čeka nesuđeni dodir

Sve pokrivaju svjetla Skopja

I tvoj forsiran osmijeh koji je utješan, koliko-toliko

I suzu na mom licu koja peče svaki milimetar moje kože

I buku oko nas koja se nimalo ne čuje

Jer oko nas je samo tišina

Da si se okrenuo, ja bih se vratila

Da si povikao, ja bih ostala

Da ne moram ići, ne bih nikad otišla

Sedmica s tobom nije dovoljna

I tu sedmicu su prekrila svjetla Skopja

Tako dobro da je prebrzo prošla

Kao ljudi što žure s vrećama voća

Da stignu na najnoviju epizodu omiljene serije

Kao dijete što juri majci u zagrljaj

Svjetla Skopja odjednom ne prekrivaju moje suze

Miluju ih i njeguju, k'o da znaju da će opet da skliznu

Niz obraz

Niz ruku

Niz ulicu

Niz svjetla Skopja

B

[sepyana]

Some thoughts about RGU: Blooming Rose of Deepest Black

I've been an Utena fan for a while but I just watched the musicals and I love them, I need to talk to people about it I'm gonna explode

All my thoughts are under the cut. We'll go character by character analysing the differences between their TV and Musical counterparts.

Utena

She and Anthy take the backseat a lil bit. She is great as always though.

Ami Noujo is quite popular, I can definitely see why. She is funny, incredibly charming and sweet. She was recast from the last musical like all the others.

She tries to set up Anthy and Miki together. Miki is less creepy about his crush so it does come off as kinda wholesome.

I absolutely adore the cheesy ass friendship song she has with Wakaba.

Her most iconic scene is definitely the one at the very end where she hugs Anthy in an almost possessive manner, saying she is here for her. And Anthy just looks like she is dying inside haha. The ominous bells and Akio in the back don't really help things either.

Not really much to say about her, she is the same as her show self.

Anthy

Yuka Yamauchi is, again, great. Anthy is somewhat different from her show version. Not worse, just different.

Musical Anthy is generally nicer(i think.??). Whenever Show Anthy is alone with Utena, she seems disinterested in the people around her. Musical Anthy compliments Miki on his piano skills, for example.

She comforts Juri during the Shiori duel. I genuinely can't tell if this is wholesome or eerie.

In the show, she doesn't care about the black rose duelists (other than telling Mikage he is cruel for making Tsuwabuki duel.) She feels guilt about the whole situation here.

She still has her laugh from the first musical! Giving her this almost condescending laugh is a fun take on her character. She almost dies of laughter when Utena asks if the projector is her brother. I love her so much it's unreal. I will talk about her a lot more if I do a white bud post.

Akio

Speaking of her brother, Akio is also here.

Yu Yoshioka is definitely a standout. His mannerisms and posture show Akio's character brilliantly. It's pretty exaggerated, that's expected from a stage play. I think he is my favourite in the musical.

Akio acts really disinterested in what's happening. He has an air of superiority around him. He carries this vibe for the whole musical.

He is always slouching a bit. He walks slowly, he has one of his hands at his pocket at all times. It really gives him this aloof vibe. There is more but. Someone else can analyze Akio's body language way better than I can.

One thing he does is push people in and out of scenes. Mikage and Mamiya also do this. It shows them being "puppeteers" really well. The most unsettling one is after the first song, as characters are leaving, when he forcefully holds Utena's arm so she can start her scene.

He holds Tokiko's head almost forcefully has he kisses her. Really unsettling.

He also always seems to be standing a bit too close. His scenes with Utena are the best examples of this. Anthy (and Mamiya) also has some scenes like that.

This Akio is less friendly then the one we know. They also toned down the incest stuff. Interesting changes for sure. This musical is mostly for people who have already watched the show, so they have decided to show Akio's actual nature earlier.

Akio sometimes says a character's line with them. It's a cool way to show how he is the puppet master of the story.

Wakaba

Yume Takeuchi absolutely crushed it in the first musical. She continues to be amazing here. I cannot stress enough how much I love Wakaba in this.

She seems sadder in the musical. Almost like she knows her moment od being special will not last long...

Her black rose duel is absolutely heart wrenching. The student council and the school body taunting her during the battle is horrible. My girl doesn't deserve this. Crying and shaking.

Her after the duel scenes are expanded upon. After the battle she goes missing for a few days. During that time, she was making stew for Utena but couldn't perfect it so she took a few days off. I'm sure she is really tired (both mentally and physically) even though she doesn't remember what happened.

And then they have this cheesy song I mentioned before. You could argue it doesn't fit Utena but I enjoyed it. Wakaba even makes Anthy join in too.

It's a minor scene but, I find it absolutely hilarious how she screams upon seeing the exam schedule so hard Utena thinks something happened to her. If I saw English and Math were in the same day I'd scream too. This is right after Mamiya stabs Kozue btw.

They have the prince giving Utena the rose ring and Saionji giving Wakaba the hair clip at the same time. Wow they really did that.

Her elevator scene is my favourite. She is letting it all out. Screaming and crying and the venom in her voice whilte talking about Anthy and Saionji. It's so much.

Saionji

The most pathetic cringefail man in all of Ohtori. I like Tsubasa Yoshizawa's performance overall.

I didn't pay much attention to him. They don't really change anything about his scenes. (Except for the Wakaba duel)

I will give him this, he is pretty funny. His scenes are funny but also seeing saionjeans dancing in ensambles is just. so fucking hilarious to me.

Kozue

Marina Tanoue's acting was okay. Good stuff.

She comes off as a bit more awkward here. Which makes a lot of sense imo. She is messing around with boys a lot but she is only 13. Her awkwardness show up in her hookup scenes too. The boys are a lot more touchy with her.

They toned down the incest in favor of Kozue just wanting to protect Miki. Incest is still there but their relationship is not the same.

She is our first black rose duelist instead of Kanae. Kanae is not that well written in the show so this was for the best.

Miki

Bit of an unpopular opinion, I liked Natsuki Osaki's performance in the first musical. Yuta Higuchi's performance is better but I also like the first Miki too. I am not the biggest Miki fan but the musical definitely made me warm up to him more.

Wow the pedo teacher is so much more creepy here. Seeing real people play these scenes makes them feel even worse. He is a lot more touchy here and Miki actually reacts to him.

I like the part where he is playing music on the side during Nanami's song it's kinda cute.

Nanami

I can't believe they casted the actual Nanami Kiryuu to play herself. Ok fr real tho, Arisa Suzuki is amazing in this.

I'm gonna get burned at the stake for this but I don't like most of the Nanami episodes. I actually really like Nanami being the comic relief, the jokes just don't land for me... But I did actually like the cowbell song she has. She has a cowbell song. She has a co-

I personally found her talking to Juri and Miki part more funny.

There is a scene where she takes Miki's watch and accidentally stops all three of them in time so Wakaba can have her part talking to Saionji. Laughed out loud at that part.

She is exclusively comic relief here. There isn't much she can do outside of that anyways. Touga is not in this and her story line so dependent on him.

Juri

Riona Tatemichi please take my hand in marriage thank you

Juri is the same personality wise as her TV version, other than being slightly gayer. This is a musical after all.

There is a scene where is imagining dancing with Shiori (Shiori also has a scene similar to this).

Juri and Shiori actually kiss??!? It's pretty brief because Utena and Dios slashes their kneecaps. Oh, yeah, during the duels whoever's sword the duelist is using shows up.

I love that instead of working together they end up knocking off each other's roses. That's so in character for them. Also hilarious.

Shiori

Fuyuna Asakura. She might be the best actor in the musical. Because wow, wow. She is a sickeningly sweet type of character. One that turns out to be horrible.

She is way more cartoonish but I don't think that's a bad thing! It's so fun watching her on the stage do her thing. People who didn't like TV Shiori might like this version more. Shiori is one of my faves, I was already primed to like this version of her too.

Each black rose duelist has a scene where they are stabbed by the black rose. Strangely, Shiori is the only person to not scream during it. It just goes to show how little of a push she needed.

She is a lot more shocked about learning she is Juri's crush. The whole situation feels even more tense than the TV version.

My favourite moments of Shiori are in the Akio arc. I don't like Ruka's character, I think he made Juri's story line worse... Buuut I liked watching his dynamic with Shiori. Hopefully we'll get to see Fuyuna Asakura again if another musical happens.

I loved how they handled the Juri/Shiori story line. It's one of my favourite side plots.

And that leaves us with the boys of the black rose. I am gonna talk about them the longest:

Mamiya

I think Mamiya is underrated as hell in this. I haven't heard people talk about the musical but when they do they don't mention him all that much. Yohdi Kondo works so well as him.

He is a lot more active compared to his TV counterpart, If that's the right way to put it. We see him do stuff. He stabs the black rose duelists. He and Mikage work together to make plans more compared to the anime. He is the one responsible for putting Juri's locket in the vase. I appreciate them being more like a duo.

He comes off as a lot more intimidating here too. Him not looking like a 13yo plays a big part, but his mannerisms play a role too. The Kozue scene shows this really well.

What I most like about him though, is how they show Anthy and Mamiya being the same person. They replace each other from scene to scene constantly. My favourite example is when he takes her place when she is playing the piano. Mamiya is behind her when they're both on stage. They circle around each other at the start too.

He moves around in a similar way to Anthy. He is a lil bit scary in the same way Anthy is. Anthy is my favourite character so i definitely enjoy this a lot.

Also have I mentioned the fact that Akio and Tokiko fuck on his bed. While Mamiya is talking to Mikage in the rose garden, we see the shadows of Akio and Tokiko in a loving embrace on top of his bed. I hope that is not literal. Because if they actually fucked on that bed that would be insane. There are a few ways to interpret this.

There is a theory about how Mikage seeing those two is preceded by Mamiya's death. I think it's true because it doesn't make sense to me how that was enough for Mikage go set the fire. We know Mamiya is dead by this point. He is completely codependent on those two emotionally, he would not take seeing Tokiko with a man right after (maybe a month? Who knows) Mamiya's death well. Merging the imagery together makes a lot of sense.

I didn't think of this at all before but the "Imagine me & Utena" podcast (It's a pretty good podcast!) pointed this out: this is suppose to hint at Mikage and Mamiya's relationship. The sexual/romantic side of their relationship is sort of hinted in the anime and the musical. I could see this being true. This is a really important moment for Mikage. In the anime, we see the cursor point at the leaf during it. You can't have that in the musical. You could have this though.

I also found it funny how Akio's shadow wakes up Mamiya lol.

Mikage

He is the closest thing the musical has to a protagonist. He is in most of the scenes, directly or indirectly. So we spend a lot of time with Hidenori Tokuyama, and I am really torn on him. I'm not really sure if it's his fault either. Mikage is a really subtle character, it's always the little things with this guy. That kind of personality is hard to translate onto stage. You can't see his change in expression when he sees Tokiko and Mamiya talk. You can't see he has a picture of Mamiya on his desk etc etc.

He gets better as we get to the end. Mikage gets a lot more unhinged towards the end, less "subtle" if you get what I mean. Don't get me wrong. I like Hidenori Tokuyama a lot. I just can't connect with him all that much.

There are some notable changes done to him. Mikage as a character always stood out to me from the other men in the show. His much shorter stature is the obvious thing (I don't care about that being represented tbh, he is shorter than Akio and Saionji, that's all you need) but another thing is how he is not violently misogynistic like them. He still is misogynistic, he uses the internalized misogyny of the girls to make them hate Anthy instead of the man in their lives. He would not be able to do what he did without exploiting the harmful systems of Ohtori. He could definitely be interpreted incel-like with his relationship to Tokiko and Mamiya. I guess he is just not as obvious about it? He doesn't show interest in any of the girls. He is obsessed with Tokiko but doesn't even realize she is walking past him. This is pretty noticeably changed in the musical.

He straight up hits on Utena. It's incredibly uncomfortable (as it was meant to be). With Tsuwabuki gone, all of his victims are women. His crush on Tokiko is shown a lot more. It's a lot more sus. I don't see this as a negative change. I like Anime Mikage more but I see the value in making him feel closer to how the other men are.

There are some more minor differences.

Sometimes when he says his lines, Akio says it along with him. For example during his talk with Saionji,

Saionji:  And what do you want from me in return?

Mikage:  Good question...

Mikage:  There's one item that I want from you.

Mikage:  A trifle, really...

There is more of this in the exact same scene btw.

His mannerisms are a bit different too. In the anime, he is approachable but you can tell there is something weird with him. In the Musical, you can tell he is obviously trying to manipulate you. He isn't as charismatic as his TV version. And I kinda like that honestly. It makes it easier for me to connect Nemuro and Mikage in my mind.

[andercandor]

Scene: Zeke’s tent, forest

Levi had fucked other men in the four years since Erwin’s death, but the emptiness of the encounters left him even more hollow than before. With Zeke, it was anything but empty. The complexity of it crushed him from the inside out. Every touch ignited a burning trail of hatred. Where their bare skin brushed, Levi felt the desperate need to recoil but a magnetism that drew him in deeper. When their lips met, each kiss was at once a betrayal and an ode to what he’d lost, what this man had taken from him. It was a tonic and a poison. Levi couldn’t resist the intoxication of it.

He gripped the blonde hair far more roughly than necessary as he pulled the man’s face to his. Zeke gasped for the pain he craved. He felt he deserved it. Levi, the jury, judge, and executioner of his atonement. Though his body healed from the wounds Levi inflicted on him, he let the pain burn into his memory, reminding him that he had failed with each life he ended. Truly nothing could assuage his guilt until his plan was fulfilled, probably not even then, but the nails raking bloody trails across his back, the desperate choking for air and aching of his head as hands crushed his throat, the penetration of teeth into his shoulders, his arms, his chest, and the relentless tearing and pounding of Levi inside him felt like a balm to his wicked soul.

But that was nothing to the words Levi hissed in his ear, reminding him with every thrust that he despised Zeke. He listened to the ballads of hatred, harmonizing with moans of ecstasy and anguish. Levi spoke the words that his own mind had whispered to him time and time again in Grisha’s voice, that he was a failure, incompetent, a disappointment. He was reminded of every gamble he had taken and lost and every cost he had paid. Where Levi’s voice ended and Grisha’s began, Zeke couldn’t be sure.

When it was over, both men laid on their backs and stared up at the darkness. Levi spoke. “One of these times, I’ll slit your throat when I’m done using you.”

Zeke didn’t reply.

“Would you survive it?”

He thought about that, imagined the fire in Levi’s gray eyes and the contortion of his mouth as he sliced the blade through his neck; it was easy to picture since it was really just a modified memory of their first meeting. “I would probably survive. Depends on how deep you cut.”

“Then you wouldn’t survive. I’d cut off your head.”

“As you’re cumming inside of me?”

“Yes.”

They fell silent, lost in the images playing out in their own minds. At the thought of Zeke’s bloody, decapitated corpse convulsing, Levi rolled over and rested on the man’s chest whose heart was still beating a cacophony he longed to end. Its rhythm lulled him into a seething peace.

“I hate you,” he whispered, not caring if he could be heard. Zeke tentatively wrapped his arms around him. When Levi didn’t shove him away, he held him tenderly. He hated Levi too, because Levi wanted him to.

And yet they clung to each other, bizarre proxies for the men they had lost.

[eurovision-revisited]

Eurovision 2004 - Number 15 - De Egels - "Maria Maria Maria"

While Germany has gone all out to secure the big names for it's national final this year, Belgium has gone the other way. They have so many unknown people and bands who are looking for their moment, their big break-through it feels a little like a talent show.

De Egels (Dutch for the Hedgehogs) do at least have some pedigree. Lead singer Thomas Salis and drummer Johan Schokkaert were in another band, The Extended, and have been singing and performing together since the mid-1990s. De Egels are their second band who have pretty much been doing exactly the same tour and gig circuit as the Extended. By 2004 they've been at it for nearly ten years.

Maria Maria Maria is a refreshing blast of straight, melodic rock amidst the ballads and pop of Eurosong '04. Thomas Salis throws himself into the vocal as the song builds around him. Those choruses burst out from the rumbling verses with the requisite power chords from the guitars, while the synth does a quite impersonation of a Hammond organ. It's a bit by the numbers, but it stands out for it's competence and commitment as well as its musical genre.

The audience seem a little dead to it. The judges don't seem hugely impressed. Maybe this isn't what anyone was thinking of when it came to a Eurovision song. It's very much more a radio type song. In the voting, the jury put in last with only two points in total. The radio jury and the televote liked it more, but that was not enough to lift it from the bottom of the scoreboard in its heat.

De Egels and Thomas Salis did not try to enter Eurosong again, and the band appears to have split shortly afterwards. One bio of the band that I found even ends with the sentence "After this, nothing more can be found about De Egels" and then goes out to note that this De Egels are not the same as the Dutch The Eagles tribute band of the same name.

But that's not quite the end of the story. Thomas Salis carried on making music, producing and releasing it himself and touring too. He has a YouTube page with several well made videos for his songs, including a rather sad one in which he sits and watches the video of his appearance on Eurosong '04 while his children perform a dance routine to it. Here's a sample of his more recent output from eight years ago: Ode aan de dag

[brbljivica]

pismo mojim sestrama

zamišljam te kao dete

zamrznuto od srama

koji nosiš iz dnevne sobe

ali ne plašiš se sluzi

puževa

ni pretećeg lica

zmija

znaš da je svaki strah samo

drugačije odeven strah od smrti

povremeno se mrštiš na mesec

jer moraš na spavanje

a ne bi nikada da spavaš

mnogo ti se živi

i ja neiskreno spavam

jedino snu se nikad nisam

sasvim predala

ne dozvoli nikome da ti govori šta da radis

ali ne budi previše ponosna

arogancija se uvek osveti

za znanje je potrebna mekoća poniznosti

ima ljudi koji te vole

idi u svet

sama

opipaj duše koje susretneš

zagledaj sunce u pramenu kose

posmatraj pokret nečijeg oka

umor trepavica

nesigurne ruke

pomiluj svakoga

ko je izgubio nekog bliskog

ne štedi sebe

ako je dobar momak kojeg voliš u nevolji

rizikuj sve

pa šta ako zadobiješ promrzline ili

sunčanicu

vozi auto

da ga odmeniš kad se umori

i naravno

da bi mogla sve sama

udahni svaku plažu koju možeš

uzmi gutljaj mora

budi prijatelj jednookim ribama

i ja sam davno imala jedno oko umesto lica

a vidi me sada

ne stidi se da zaplačeš

nasred ulice kada se setiš da na svetu ima

oko 825 miliona gladnih

primeti nečije iznošene cipele

ne zatvaraj se

tako hraniš sram

prezri ratove

voli ljude više od plaža i mora

posmatraj kako umor čini ljude pomirljivim

nemoj da postaneš takva

posmatraj linije plafona u besanim noćima

razumi nedostajanje

toplote nečijih ramena

unutrašnju groznicu

koja te tera da činiš nerazumne stvari

rastavi

porodični poredak

ne ponavljaj iste greške

ne plaši se da kažeš da možda

ne želiš da budeš majka

ne udovoljavaj čežnji

to je samo navika

okreni lice k vatri

ne pravi plan evakuacije

tuga će te sačekati

gde god budeš

ne štedi se kažem ti

ne beži nikada

ne juri nikoga

osim da se izviniš

dokažeš

kako se neće ponoviti

oprosti snovima u korenu kose

zamisli

neki ljudi sanjaju samo o uspehu

tvoji snovi su snovi o dobroti

o nespretnom dodiru kore drveta

o vlažnoj njušci psa

dok neko sanja o romantičnom zavođenju

tvoji snovi su

o stalnosti

nepokolebljivosti

neodustajanju od ljubavi

zasedaj sama sa sobom kad god je potrebno

dugo pregovaraj

ne nasedaj na bogove praznike države

religije

teorije zavere horoskope

makar hodala svetom neutešna kao siroče

ne trebaju ti takve utehe

ne dozvoli da te iko stišava

prevrni sto kad ti neko kaže

da dame ne treba da piju

prevrni sto kad ti neko kaže

da si preosetljiva

poštuj svoju prozirnu kožu

i ako te zbog nje

neko uvredi i ismeje

evo ti revolver

čuvaj ga ispod suknje

zakačen za butinu

ako te iko slomi

to su te povredili

oni koji dišu plitko

čuvaju se za bolje udahe

nemoj nikad da imaš posla

S kukavicama

plašiće ih tvoja glasnoća

tvoja ljutnja

kompleksnost tvoje predanosti

jačina tvoje ljubavi

otvorenost

će doživljavati kao napad

odbijaće ih svako očekivanje

nestalni

neodlučni momci

ne mogu ti ništa

samo pusti da iskrvariš do kraja

od njih

ja ću uvek biti tu

seti se

imaš još jedno srce

i rezervnu koštanu srž

i najvažnije

obećaj mi

da nikad nećeš voleti traljavo

nikad s pola srca.

Ognjenka Lakićević - Vodič kroz požare