#obvs most of the time it's distressing and tiring but sometimes it's just like

[bramblebeau]

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[confusedinfj]

tips for developing fe? i find i can be immature in terms of being kind of a know it all, but i've been working on that. in general, i think my fe serves me okay now that i am learning to appreciate people more. i just wish it wasn't so difficult for me to express my feelings in a healthy way rather than repressing them until they burst.

Sorry it's been a while since you sent this! I found this to be quite a difficult question, and I hope this helps.

In general with lower functions, I'd recommend not focusing on them at all. Focus on character, because that's what you're really worried about here. Fe is (very short version) basically just a natural awareness of society/people and a strong desire to be apart of and connect with that community. Fe might naturally navigate society, but it can easily be manipulative in someone with bad character. In good character, it can be constructive and supportive in society. This question shows you have that desire to navigate society and connect with people, even if relational skills don't come easily to you - so you're already developing Fe! 👏

Tips though:

As for being a know it all (which I was as a kid 😂), you ultimately have to analyse WHY you're doing that. Is it because you like sharing interesting information? That would make it a bid for attention. You can learn a better way to try and befriend people, which will vary from group to group and culture to culture. Are you doing it to try and show people you're interesting? Interacting with people in such a self-distracted way doesn't work. You need to focus on the people in front of you instead, because it will usually help you figure out what to talk about instead. People always like to talk about themselves, so asking questions about their interests is a good start. You're only being a know it all if you're telling them things to show off, because you think you're better than them. If that's the case, you'll have to work out why you think that and ideally change it, because it's not a good starting point for friendships. Appreciation is (and you already know that too!)!

Appreciating people is the most important thing you can do, and that is entirely character related. You have to be able to see the beauty in each person's complexity, and want to know more about them. You have to develop empathy, which is totally separate from mbti.

As someone with high Ti, you might not be primed to be interested in every single person, but that's okay. Even high Fe users interested in every single person, it's okay to click with some and not others. The important part is respecting people in their humanity and being kind. If you follow social protocol, people can't even complain about you being rude. After that, if some people don't like you, it's not really a problem. There's no hard and fast rule for people, every single one will be different. It kind of sucks, but even as a high Fe user plenty of people don't like me 😂

As for the repression part of the question:

I've found part of having high Fe is being aware of how many relationships are actually shallow, and how many people aren't truly connecting with those around them. That means a lot of relationships in your life will just be polite, like at work, or school, or at the shops. It means a lot of people actually don't WANT you to express your feelings, because you don't have that kind of relationship. I know that sounds so mean 😂, but I want to make it clear it's honestly possible that people SHOULD be picking up on your feelings long before you feel you're going to burst. There are lots of micro signs that a person is upset, and a lot of people just ignore them. Sometimes they're not even looking for them, because they're not interested in deeper friendship. I've been horrified how many times people just don't notice when other people are distressed. BUT I'm going to answer the question with the assumption that you meant how can you better express feelings in relationships where people definitely do care and aren't just being awful.

Fe finds it pretty hard to express negative emotions, since it's very conscious of upsetting others. This is the one part of your question where developing Fe is what's needed, but alongside the development of assertive character. Well developed Fe can manage conflict, and recognises it's important to share negative feelings in order to have a true relationship. Otherwise the whole thing is fake. So, while expressing your feelings will likely kill a shallow relationship, it will deepen those with people of kindness and empathy.

So the answer is simple: just say it. I mean, don't scream it or anything, but just... try. Even if you have to cry, even if it takes ages for you to find the right words. You can write it down if you like, but I prefer not to have anything like that in writing. The general rule of thumb is, if it upset you, and you can't stop thinking about it after a few days, you should just tell them. Say, as an example, your friends went out to a movie and didn't invite you. If you think you have the kind of relationship where they truly care about you, you can just say - I was pretty upset I wasn't invited, because it seemed like you were trying to exclude me. (A general rule is that you frame the problem around yourself and your feelings rather than 'you went out without me and that was mean because you're a bully!' 😂). Then they have a chance to clarify or be mean 😋

I don't know if you're prone to oversensitivity, or if you think you are, but even then - your true friends should know who you are. In a lot of cases, communication solves the oversensitivity, because it provides an opportunity for people to explain their behaviour. (example: We didn't mean to hurt you, we thought you said you hated this movie and didn't want to see it with us - and you can be like, oops I didn't mean to say that but I guess I kind of did). It's better to risk sounding oversensitive than to attempt mind reading (because you'll likely be wrong and hurt yourself more).

Repression is a way to control emotions, but it almost always ends in a loss of control. The key to avoiding that is to express your feelings fairly close to as they come, as calmly as you can. Communication is, unfortunately, a skill that can only be developed in practice, not in theory. Although, if you have a good handle on the theory it helps, so you could probably write out scenarios before trying it.

If you meant that you're more prone to angry outbursts, the answer is still in early communication. Try not to think of it as a confrontation, and it might help fix the tone. Bringing up negative feelings doesn't have to be a conflict, it's as simple as saying a fact. Especially since someone who really cares about you should be willing to fix the problem with you.

I'd probably need specifics to be more helpful, but some dot pointers are:

If you want people to leave you alone for a bit, just calmly say you need to be alone for a while because you feel tired/stressed/a bit moody.

If you want people to pay attention to you and they aren't, try telling them you want to talk.

If you're too angry to speak to someone, tell them you're taking a moment to calm down. Don't engage until you can calmly articulate things. If that time never comes and you get angry every time you think about it, just try to say it as calmly as you can.

A lot of people recommend writing down negative emotions if you feel you're oversensitive, because it can help you figure out what can be mentioned. Supposedly, any issue that doesn't need to be mentioned will stop bothering you once it's written down.

Be careful not to mention a long term problem while you're mad about it. If it's something you've been holding on to for a long time, not sure if you should mention it, wait till you calm down again and then mention it's been something you've been thinking about for a while. Avoid saving up issues at all, but if you have it might be better to mention as many as you can at once. Otherwise it sounds like you're just keeping a record of wrongs and stringing it out.

Sometimes conflict is necessary, but that doesn't necessarily mean either of you did anything wrong. Try to look at any issue from that perspective if you can, and it will help you get through it all faster.

If you can't express yourself in a relationship it will ultimately be shallow and unfulfilling. It's never selfish to be genuine (that's not being mean on purpose obvs 😂), and good communication will help the other person open up too.

Sorry if I didn't manage to help at all, and sorry this is so long 👍

[littledonkeyburrito]

My neighbours seeing me naked all the time

1. What gives you anxiety? Having to go do something new

2. Are you the type that’s too ashamed to ask for or use directions? Are you kidding me, I fucking love google maps

3. Were you tired when you woke up this morning? I was when I woke up at 11, but not after I went back to sleep and woke up again at 2pm.

4. When you watch the news, how does it effect your mood? Depends on the news, but it generally has a negative impact. That’s why I avoid watching it.

5. Have you ever taken an online IQ test? What was the result? I actually took a real IQ test once but I was 11 and didn’t know that’s the test I was taking. I think the results came back as the high end of average. When I was in grade 5 I was almost constantly fighting with my best friend at the time, Dylan. It was stressing me out so I asked my mum if I could talk to someone at the school for help so she set me up with one of the school counsellors, I think his name was something like Mr Zagini or Mr Zagami (I remember his two nicknames being Mr zucchini and Mr salami). Anyway, it was mostly stuff I already knew but I got to skip class sometimes for our sessions. I didn’t continue sessions with him in grade 6 (I don’t know why), but he came to me one time and was like “hey I want to do this series of tests with you, are you okay with that?” and I was like “yeah sure” so I did them. Just a bunch of little lateral thinking puzzles which I was well used to doing, due to having been part of the school’s “gifted and talented” program (the instructor of which committed suicide a few years later after the cops found out he was into child porn, but that’s a story for another time I guess) since I was 6 years old. I feel like if I took an IQ test these days I would probably come back as squarely average. I don’t feel that smart since I hit adulthood.

6. Have you ever had anything expensive stolen from you? There was that one time someone broke into my house and stole my potatoes.

7. Can you hear anything right now? A group of drunk people from the bars downstairs

8. Have you ever been to a wedding? A few family weddings, yeah. Next year I will be a groomsman for my friend/old flatmate.

9. What is your favourite kind of pasta? I prefer rice noodles tbh

10. Are you proud of who you are? Sometimes

11. Would you prefer an ice cream sundae or an ice cream cone? Sundae.

12. What time is it? 12:03am

13. Are you good at giving directions? If I have a map, or know where I am, yeah

14. Do you own any Sims games? Which ones? Sims 3, plus pets and supernatural expansions.

15. What is your favourite kind of fruit juice? Probably orange

16. Have you worn a necklace today? I haven’t worn a necklace in years

17. Do your parents smoke cigarettes? Unusually, neither of my parents ever got into smoking

18. What is the color of the curtains in the room you’re in right now? No curtains. I just deal with my neighbours seeing me naked all the time

19. How many instruments do you own/have you owned? Now I just have one guitar but over the years I’ve had 2 acoustic guitars, 2 electric guitars, 2 ukuleles, a bass guitar, a glockenspiel, a full size electric piano, an electric drum kit and an acoustic drum kit.

20. What does one of your T-shirts have written on it? "Netflix”

21. Name a pet you definitely wouldn’t want. Tarantula.

22. Who’s the fifth contact in your phonebook? My aunt

23. If you had to text them something now what would you say? I would say that I’m probably coming back to australia in january and that we should have a family gathering

24. Should you be in bed right now? I haven’t had a bedtime since I was like 13

25. Do you know anyone that has the same birthday? A sort-of-friend’s boyfriend who is also the ex of the girlfriend of one of my best friends. But he’s a year or two younger than me.

26. Would you prefer your partner smaller or taller? I’ve tried both and established that my preference is definitely taller.

27. Do you acknowledge your feelings or ignore them? Depends on the feeling but generally suppress, bottle and ignore.

28. When was the last time someone saw you naked? Back in panama. God, it’s been slow since I’ve been home

29. How would you describe your current mood? Is tipsy a mood?

30. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? Whenever I last got very drunk probably

31. What was the last thing you lied about? I generally don’t like lying so the last time was probably when I was telling my travel group in central america that I had never slept with the tour guide.

32. Where is your favorite place to have sex? Uhh a bed I guess. Although that one time I fooled around in the back of a car was pretty fun too.

33. Do you ever drink or get high alone? I tried getting high alone once and that was no fun. Drunk, yes, like once a week.

34. What type of a drunk are you? Happy and fun

35. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? I generally don’t tell guys that I like them. Although tbh I generally don’t develop actual feeling for them so...

36. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? I think that was when a friend had his appendix out and a group of us went to see him. The time before that was a fair bit more distressing though. 

36. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? The worst is probably coke. I will never ever ever try meth or heroin. Those are just a baaaaad idea. Nothing that I specifically want to try.

37. When was the last time you were up all night and why? Up the whole night would have been my last night shift in australia. Although there’s been several times since then that I’ve been up until 3am or even sunrise on a night out.

38. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? I have absolutely no idea

39. Where did your last injury come from? Uhhh I think my last “injury” was about a month ago when I cut my thumb on a beer can. Hardly an injury though.

40. Where do you like to be kissed? Tbh I quite like being kissed on the neck

41. You have 5 minutes - grab 3 snacks from the grocery store. What are they? A bunch of mandarins, a pack of chips and a block of chocolate probably

42. Dancing, acting, and singing - which two are you best at? None of the above

43. Deep fried Oreos & deep fried pickles - would you try either? I’d try either at least once

44. Funny, charming, cute, romantic, smart - choose only 2 for a potential partner. Funny and cute I think.

45. Snow or sand? Soda or juice? Cake or cookies? Royalty or immortality? Snow, soda, cake, immortality.

46. Which is more important to you: make-up or hair? Hair.

47. What is one tradition that you and your family have? Do you enjoy it? Generally my brother and I spend christmas morning at mum’s house and have breakfast with her and then head to dad’s for the afternoon/evening and have his big full roast christmas dinner with him and sometimes a couple of his friends.

48. You can go back in time & change something in your Mom’s past - what is it? I think I would somehow try to give her more self esteem as a teenager. Or maybe I’d have stopped that one boyfriend from breaking up with her to move to sydney, after which she cried for at least a week. Idk I think I’d have tried to make her see that he was kind of a douche and not worth her time because she only deserves the absolute best.

49. Money doesn’t matter - choose a vacation destination and pick your party: If money is no issue then I would travel from alaska all the way down to the southern-most tip of argentina with whoever wants to join for a section. IRL I kinda plan on travelling mexico to argentina in a year or so anyway.

50. Been on any websites today you wouldn’t want your parents to see? No. I mean, they’d probably be mildly confused as to why I was researching when the shower was invented but it’s not like they’d care.

51. Flip your arm over - can you see your veins? No because I’m wearing a jumper and can’t see my skin through the sleeve obvs.

52. Pick a movie at least 5 years old that you absolutely love: Love and Other Drugs

53. Do you ever buy snacks at the movie theater? What do you get? Sometimes I did in australia but I never do here. I always have dinner beforehand and then just buy a bottle of water from the grocery store next door to take into the theatre. 

54. When was the last time you had to jump? Jump? Uhhhh ... I didn’t have to but I jumped off the front of the boat into the ocean while I was in the San Blas Islands off Panama a couple of months ago. 

55. At what time does it start getting dark where you live? Currently it gets dark around 5:30pm

56. Which is worse: dusting or mopping? I’m not sure I’ve ever dusted in my life.

57. Peanut butter VS. Caramel - which side are you on? Depends on context but probably usually caramel.

58. Have you ever complained to a manager about anything? What was it? I argued with some bond cleaners a bit over a year ago. I didn’t ask to, but I spoke to the manager and I ended up winning the argument.

59. Any idea where the shirt you’re wearing was made? Take a guess. I don’t know, China? Actually, none of the labels seem to specify where it was made.

60. Would you marry somebody who was intensely religious? No because our lifestyles wouldn’t match up.

61. Are you “with” the very last person you kissed? No

62. Ever dated/kissed a someone with the name Casey, Tyler, Ryan, Jordan, Colton, Rebecca, Samantha, Lauren, Taylor, or Ashley? That’s so specific. I think I’ve kissed a rebecca.

63. Was your last kiss, standing up, sitting down, or lying down? Standing up, saying goodbye at the hotel room door.

64. Are you happy with the choices you’ve made? In general, yeah

65. Are you excited for anything? Well, I’m going to Paris next week.

66. Do you hate the last person you kissed? No.

67. You’re stuck in an elevator with one of your worst enemies, what do you do? Scroll through facebook/instagram/whatever on my phone.

68. Will this weekend be a good one? The weekend is over.

69. Do you like to listen to the radio in the car? Nah, I listen to my iPod in the car and the radio at work. I mean, y’know, when I had a car and a job.

70. Do you sleep with a fan on? I literally don’t even have a fan

71. How is your hair right now? In need of a cut.

72. Have you ever broken up with someone for someone else? No.

73. How many windows are open on your computer? 1 window, 4 tabs.

74. How tall are you? ~5′3″ but I slouch

75. Have you ever taken a shower with anyone before? Yeah but tbh I don’t really understand the appeal unless you plan on fucking in the shower which sounds slippery and dangerous.

76. Is your hair clean? Almost always

77. What are you drinking right now? Nothing.

78. Do you wear your seatbelt in the car? Yes, unless I’m in a bus or sometimes I don’t when I’m in a country where the law doesn’t make you wear one. Eg in some countries cabs will have sheets covering the back seats so even if you want to put on the seatbelt you can’t because the clip thing is covered up and you can’t access it.

79. Does someone have feelings for you? Doubt it

80. Have you ever been cheated on? Pretty sure, yeah

81. Are you hard to please? Not at all

82. What are you craving right now? TRAVEL

83. How are you feeling right now? A bit cold

84. What color shirt are you wearing? Tshirt is orange and white. Jumper over it is grey with white stripes.

85. Who is the last person you got a message from? @aturinfortheworse

86. Are you excited for winter? Only if I get to go somewhere with snow (unlikely). I love the cold when I’m actually out and about and doing things but when I’m just sitting at home doing nothing and my feet are so cold they’re in physical pain then I don’t enjoy it so much. This is only a thing I’ve realised recently.

87. When are you at your happiest? When I’m travelling and having adventures.

88. Do you live alone? Yep

89. What do you do to pass time? Netflix, video games, tumblr 90. Do you go clubbing on weekends? When I live in the same city as my friends, sometimes

91. Twin bed, or other? Maybe a couch? What is this even asking? I have a king size bed currently 92. What are three things, that are not hygiene related you do every single day? Eat, check facebook, charge my phone 93. Are you addicted to anything drug like? No. 94. Did you pull a senior prank? They weren’t allowed at my school, but I don’t think I’d have cared enough anyway 95. Did you graduate? Highschool, yes. Uni, no.

96. Any goals? Live comfortably (with a job) in a country other than Australia, preferably a spanish speaking country.

97. Do you miss being a kid? In some ways yes, like not having responsibilities. In other ways no, like not getting laid... I mean, not that I’m getting laid now either...

98. Have you ever been unfaithful in a serious realfionship? Never had a serious relationship. 99. Do you have any tattoos? No. 100. Regrets? Nah. No point regretting things. Just learn and move on.