#obviously you're allowed to find people attractive and want to fuck them that's not my problem

[dilfzziie]

"he/him pussy" this and "boy pussy" that, dude are you gonna hold my he/him hand?? are you gonna value my boy feelings?? or are you only here to sexualize trans guys, to make us feel like just a fetish object when it isn't wanted?

[ggswaywardgifrepository]

It boggles the mind that the Bi-Han ship tier list seems to always put Sektor at the bottom below:

-the dude who convinced him to betray his entire realm for power that he never even got (Don't @ me, I love Shang Tsung, BiShang is my MK1 OTP, and my favorite Bi-Han ship.)

-one or both of his brothers (Not my thing 99% of the time but knock yourselves out. MK draws on loads of mythology for its lore and inc@st isn't exactly a foreign topic there.)

-his creator god (Despite loads and loads of baggage and a pretty significant power imbalance. There's also not much acknowledgment that Liu Kang had Bi-Han's entire life to notice his resentment brewing and try to reasonably intervene. Or he did try and failed--still, not a whiff of blame for Liu Kang, though. That's why I personally find this one off-putting, but again, enjoy what you enjoy.)

-Sareena (This one I totally get. We craved redemption for Bi-Han and saw a compelling and fulfilling possibility here. Tracks. 100%. It's also not as one-sided as other redemption focused Bi-Han ships because we know he positively influenced Sareena as well)

The bulk of the SekHan hate is directed at Sektor, and it makes me angry the more I think about it. But I admit this was my reaction for a long time as well.

In my case, at least, my discontent stemmed from Sektor not being a savior to Bi-Han, which suggests she has no value as a character other than to further his arc. And that's such a one-dimensional way to see both of them. By this logic, Sektor is worthless if she doesn't bring Bi-Han back to the light. Then also by this logic, Bi-Han isn't capable of championing his own redemption, rather, he needs another character holding the reins. (Sareena, Kuai Liang, or Liu Kang, most commonly.)

The DLC trailers were edited in such a way that we all had this preconceived notion of who Sektor was going to be in Khaos Reigns and a lot of it didn't hold up. She was hinted to be in love with Bi-Han but we all assumed it was one-sided--I did, at least. And somehow we all preferred the idea of that love being unrequited because heaven forbid two flawed, grown ass people be in a relationship. I also honestly think there's an aesthetic disconnect. I think there are a lot of people who either wanted him to not be in a ship, or to be in one with someone prettier.

I do still think they might've parted ways over the Cyber Lin Kuei, had that plot seen the light of day. But it's yet another 'what if' that never came to pass that I preemptively held against Sektor.

There's also a lot of speculation that Sektor is just manipulating Bi-Han, which can be used to invalidate romantic feelings but also suggests he's much more easily taken advantage of than I'd like to think he is. Him falling for Shang's shit was enough, alright. (And Shang is prettier. Sorry not sorry. Sektor is v attractive but Shang is much more attractiver.)

But Bi-Han is not a stupid man. At least, I don't want to see him that way. And the bulk of the anti-SekHan arguments paint him like this.

Honestly, anyone who says, "I know they're canon, I see the logic behind it, and I just fucking don't like it" resonates more because there are things I'm never gonna be jazzed about with them, and they're intangible, too.

SekHan is nowhere near my favorite ship, but I am sad to see it get hate. I think it was poorly introduced and left a bad taste in our mouths. But it still bums me out to know that that's why so few people even care to try and write the characters well together and rectify that.

And please, you're obviously allowed to disagree with every word here and ship or not ship whatever the hell you want. These are just my frustrations.

[self-indulgent-devils]

Crimson x fat reader that he just loves to spoil. My gf and I feel like he has such a weak spot for fat people. When he sees someone fat that attracts his attention, he is WEAK for them. He will already have clothes bought so fast for them and guaranteeing that they fit you. Crimson will absolutely love to hold you against him no matter your size (even if you're way taller too) and to feel your body squish against his. He will love to feel your stomach and any other fat rolls you have. He will absolutely make sure you're well fed. A big thing for mafia men is that their wife is looking gorgeous and so he obviously wants you to look good. And to look good is to make sure you're well fed. He doesn't want to see you starve ever. If you lose weight as your own choice or for health reasons or whatever, that's one thing. But starving ain't the way to do that anyway. So you better believe he's gonna have amazing meals prepared to make sure you get the fuel that you need.

Crimson is definitely secretly a big cuddler. Though he's never really cuddled with anyone before, not even his late wife except for when they first started dating maybe. But with you? He can't resist it. You're very cuddly and lovable so he will absolutely hold you close in bed as y'all sleep.

If anyone says shit about your weight or tries to make you feel bad about it or feel ugly for it then he is going to make sure they're added to his wonderful collection of wall decor very quickly. He fucking loves you the way you are and that's what matters. And after that's taken care of, he's going to make sure you know exactly how he feels about your body and that you are HIS for a reason and that reason is that he's absolutely obsessed with you.

Crimson would always want a hand around your waist or to be able to feel you at any chance he can get. Even as a subtle sign of "this bitch is mine" while he's busy doing other stuff. And if he wanted to, he would love to have you sit on his lap. He doesn't care if you're so large it makes him look so small, he's gonna make sure he can have you close to him.

He will first fall for you for your looks and body, but he's not opposed to your personality. After all, if you truly annoyed him then he wouldn't have wanted to be with you or he would have killed you and added you to his collection. Like the body is what he loves, but he wouldn't be able to stand it if he didn't also love you as a person. And he tends to be a difficult man to please. So if you're sitting pretty as his spouse or anything close to him then you better believe that means you are worth it. And NOT just for your body.

He's a man of art and he will absolutely want to have paintings and/or sculptures done of you. He needs at least one painting of the two of you together, but he is perfectly fine with just other paintings of you. In various clothes, maybe even nude if you would allow it. Though if the painter wasn't extremely restrained and the painter so much as looked at you wrong then he would be dead. After all, no one can love your nude form like he will, not even in a purely artistic sense. It was for him to enjoy.

Even if his family didn't have the money, he would find a way to get you nice things. Not only is it important for his partner to be well dressed and spoiled, but he also just wants to make sure you live a lavish life aside from all the crimes. Doesn't matter if he has to rip it from a dead body and present it to you as if he bought it from a store. You WILL be spoiled with him.

If you can take care of yourself and can be pretty hard or cruel yourself then he will love you anymore. He wouldn't mind someone soft and innocent, it would just make that much more protective of you and he would see to it you were never without security. But if you could protect yourself, kill, use weapons, etc., he would absolutely love you so much harder for it. And he'd feel more confident knowing you were not only loyal to him, but you could protect yourself. He wouldn't mind caring for a more defenseless partner, but he prefers it when he doesn't have to worry about his lover. He has enough things to deal with.

No matter what, you would be Crimson's trophy, his prized possession, the most gorgeous gemstone he could have. You would be a rare treasure that he would absolutely adore. He may never admit it or let it show, but he would be absolutely weak for you in every way. He loves himself a fat person and he will make sure you never forget just how attractive he finds you.

[beanghostprincess]

Also what if when the Red Haired and Strawhat pirate crews finally meet. They meet in a populated area and celebrate meeting each other: Shanks and Luffy bond while Usopp and Yasopp are actually doing well together and bonding too. And Sanji (even tho being in a relationship) still fawns over the village girls every once in a while when he's there (not intensely but y'know). And Yasopp sees him and don't think anything of it until Usopp introduces him as his boyfriend. Which quickly pisses him off after seeing how he acts. Which results in Yasopp not liking him, bc well okay, makes sense, but then it leads to him saying he's not allowed to date his son as if he has any control over his life. Which leads to Yasopp and Sanji hating each other and arguing. But also Usopp hating both of them (Sanji for looking at other women still and Yasopp for dictating his life) and refusing to be around them for a while until Sanji and Yasopp realize they were jerks and apologize to him once he calms down.

This been on my head for a long while and I couldn't help but spill since you brought up Yasopp.

Let me kiss your brain. Please. Like. Come here right now and let me kiss your forehead. This is- This is so- Okay. I NEED A MOMENT. I need a moment. Let me breathe. Just a moment.

...

Okay, I'm done breathing. This is AMAZING. And now you have to deal with me talking about it!!!

I think Sanji and Yasopp would not get along because of what you just said. Sanji would still simp for girls everywhere (like, that's something that will never change. And it's not like he tries to sleep with them, he's loyal to Usopp. He's just very, uh, sexually attracted to them an insane amount. Usopp should have permission to bonk him with a hammer every time he does that tbh) and Yasopp would instantly think that he's not good for his son. Which is, you know, understandable, but who is he in Usopp's life to talk about his future? Or at least that's what Sanji would say, complaining about how he doesn't have any right to decide if he's good for his son, keeping in mind that he has never been around.

Yasopp left, but he still cares for his son and he wants to have a good relationship with him. Seeing Sanji like that makes him think about Shanks and Buggy's relationship and that's just not what he wants for Usopp (Shanks, baby, I love you but you're so not beating the cheater allegations). And Sanji... Sanji doesn't have a good relationship with father figures (obviously this is about Judge and not Zeff. Zeff, I love you) and men in general, so tbh I think he would already be a bit resentful towards Yasopp even before meeting him. He would try to hold back, of course, be friendly for Usopp's sake and all. But it doesn't work out.

I find this concept amazing because they care and love Usopp so much that they actually forget about what Usopp truly wants. Overprotective much?? I think they would end up bonding over that, too!!! Usopp would get angry at both of them first, though:

Usopp: What do you mean he's not good for me? You don't know him! Yasopp: But I'm sure he would love to know every girl around here, wouldn't he? If you know what I mean. He's going to end up breaking your heart, kiddo, I know people like him. For fuck's sake, Shanks is like him! Shanks: I'll have you know I am a very stable individual and your captain and a little bit of sexual freedom never hurt anyone! Yasopp: Tell that to your ex-boyfriend. Shanks: Ouch. Unnecessary. Usopp: You don't know him! And for starters, you don't even know me! He's wonderful and perfect for me and even if he weren't, you shouldn't have a say in my romantic life! If you wanted to act like a dad, you should've started years ago! Sanji: Thanks, mon trés- Usopp: And you. Don't you dare mon trésor me right now! My dad might not be allowed to say shit like this about you, but I am. I've gotten used to you flirting with every average-looking girl you see, but I'm sick and tired of you acting like a dog in heat with them. Especially when I'm around. It's- I thought I could just deal with it because I'm not a jealous person, but you need to get your shit together, Sanji. Both of you need to get your shit together. And if you excuse me, I'm going to have a drink with the others because I need a long, long break from you two. [...] Zoro: Now you've done it, curly. Told you you'd fuck this up someday. Sanji: I'm going to murder you. [...] Shanks: And you say I'm the bad father. Yasopp: You still are. Shanks: Maybe, good point there, but I'm not the only one. So that's a relief.

And then they would end up talking things out, of course, because Usopp is the most important person in their lives. I would like to see them bond over that, realizing that they both care about him a lot and that's why all of this happened. Sanji tells Yasopp that, even if he's pretty much obsessed with women, he would never be disloyal to Usopp. Usopp is the one for him. If he says he wants to get married to him one day, Yasopp is the only one who hears it. Sanji just needs to control his urges a lot, tbh. And Yasopp says that he knows he's not allowed to decide who his son should or shouldn't date, but he just wants to be a good father and enjoy the time they have together without some guy breaking Usopp's heart. He doesn't know how to be a dad, but he's willing to try for him.

So I think they end up getting along! Sanji cooks for both crews, of course, and Yasopp is delighted to taste his food. They spend the time laughing and talking about Usopp and Sanji won't stop explaining every adventure they've had together. Usopp, on the other hand, isn't as angry anymore (after talking to Nami about it) and watches from a distance how friendly they are now. This raises the question:

Usopp: God, are they going to be like that now? Nami: Is there an issue with that? Usopp: I don't know. Maybe? It's just weird. Robin: Maybe they start talking about all of your dirty secrets and embarrassing memories :) (<- Super friendly and not at all scary smile) Usopp: I want to die.

At some point, Sanji brings Usopp food and Yasopp comes along. They both apologize to him and, well, it's not as scary as Usopp thought. And they might be stupid and flawed, but they're still two of the people he loves the most.

Gonna have a whole breakdown over this now, thank you. I'm gonna think about this all day long. And tomorrow too. I'm sobbing. I have a lot of thoughts right now. Thinking about Sanji asking Yasopp for Usopp's hand because he's just classy like that and Yasopp accepting and Sanji like: "Okay, cool, because I was going to marry him anyway even if you said no. Glad I didn't have to kick your ass."

I'm gonna cherish this ask forever. Thank you. <3

[macbethsymphony]

My lovely, please please share?!

Fic authors self rec! When you receive this, reply with favorite five fics you've written (include links, and if you want- a few thoughts about each one), then pass on to at least five other writers if you're up for it. Spread the self-love ✨

Ohhhh was so much harder than I thought it would be!

#1 is obviously The Swordsman and the Blacksmith!

I have so many reasons as to why I should be proud of this one. It’s the first longfic I ever completed, my writing really improved over the span of writing it, it helped me find my writing style and overall I just really really love this story. It’s also what made me fall in love with Zoro and the nuances of his character, plus I really enjoyed writing a flawed main character.

Fun little fact, the whole fic came from this one scene I had in my head of Zoro fucking the main character and asking "Make me a sword"... I just had to uhhh write around 80k words to get there (it was originally planned to be around 30k but I'm really glad I pushed it to where it is now)

(Am I allowed to go into specific favorite chapters? Top 5? It’s my post I guess I can, I’ll yap about my fav chapters below the cut!!!!)

#2 has to be Cherry Girl

It’s the fic that brought me back to writing after almost a decade of nothing. I also find the story kind of sweet and fun and a different take on the Kid pirates. Also it was a really fun reader insert to write, such a breath of fresh air kind of character. It's a really different tone from my other fics but it's also why I love it so much.

#3 Negotiations

Maybe it's recency bias maybe not but I had so much fun with the dialogues at the beginning of this fic. It was a challenge and I am actually kind of proud of what I managed to achieve with it. (the smut's also pretty good imo)

#4 This Shanks ask I answered that plagues my mind and which I desperately need to make into a full fic >.>

#5 Port Wine & Sake

It's still in progress but it's my challenge fic and I love it for what it is! It's me trying to up my game with dialogues, me trying to improve my vocabulary, me trying to write characters I don't know much about, exploring trauma and writing a main character that is absolutely nothing like me. It is a challenge and it often leaves me stuck but I am also so proud of it.

OK SO NOW I YAP ABOUT MY FAVORITE CHAPTERS OF THE SWORDSMAN AND THE BLACKSMITH!!!!!!!! I'll go chronologically!!

Chapter 10: Chasing Distractions

When the reader gets hammered omg! Let me tell you, the way I was kicking my feet and giggling as I was writing, it was so much fun! But what I love most about this moment is that they’ve both only just started seeing each other past the 'he’s a skilled swordsman' and 'she’s a skilled blacksmith' and they can both respect that. It’s basically the start of their friendship and it’s very cute. (Also I believe that if she hadn’t been drunk, they might have fucked. There’s definitely already some sort of attraction budding between the two)

Chapter 18: You're Drunk

Look I had so much fun writing drunk reader that I had to write it again >.> but also it's deeper than that and I love how different it is because their relationship has evolved. What I love most about that chapter is the confirmation that the reader character made the right choice by choosing to leave with the straw hats. As in, until that point there was always some sort of ambiguity but now we’re really aware that they’re with the right people and that they’ve found a new family! There's that softness and kind of quiet understanding that I love. BUT ALSO THE AMOUNT OF SELF RESTRAINT I HAD TO EXERT NOT TO MAKE THEM FUCK RIGHT THERE!!!!!! You have no idea hahaha

Chapter 20: Scars

The bath scene!!!! I can never shut up about the bath scene!!!!! The intimacy in this one just makes me melt. They finally really really get to know one another. It’s an acknowledgment of their respective skills, they’re sharing stories and vulnerable moments. THE MAKING OUT!!!! Zoro’s intents become really really clear, it’s definitely a shift in their relationship. And Nami ratting out Zoro the next day just feels so accurate

Chapter 21: Shusui

I had to research so much for this chapter. Katanas are really complex!!!! But there's this soft rhythm to this chapter that I adore and am so proud of. The intimacy of the moment that is also translated into the technical details of swords is just incredible, at least I think so.

Chapter 24: I'm Still Angry & Chapter 25: Harmony (I think they're one just in two parts honestly)

I don't think I need to explain this one... It's hot, it's beautiful, they're in love but they're still the stubborn idiots they've always been. It makes me giggly like a teenage school girl and I think it wraps up the whole thing perfectly.

Honorable mention to the moment in Chapter 8: The Burden of a Creator where Franky talks about creating things and the impact it has on the world. I think it's one of the character moments outside of Zoro x Reader that I loved most in this fic. (I also really adore Franky and can relate to the whole creating thing a lot)

annnnnd I ended up yapping pehaps a little too much....my bad haha

[downins]

⋆⭒˚｡⋆secrets have a cost, they're not free. not now, not ever (hwang yeji, college!au)⋆⭒˚｡⋆

summary: you've been involved in dealing drugs (you don't do them ofc) and doing people's assignments or projects in college to make extra cash but what happens after your girlfriend finds out?

student!yeji x fem!reader

listen to: "flawless, the neighbourhood"

warning(s): mentions of weed and weapons, slight violence and abuse, sort of angsty,

ugh why're customers always this late, i've got other stuff to complete too, you thought to yourself as you glance at your watch for the hundreth time while complaining internally, it was cold and dark. "my bad bro i'm coming out in 5, i had some friends over and didn't notice your messages" your phone in the back pocket of your ripped jeans vibrated, you read the notification and rolled your eyes. "yea no worries" you replied. after a couple minutes, you see a guy in a hoodie with basketball shorts slipped on his crocs, usually you hold your pocket knife in your left hand to protect yourself in case of any emergency. "here" you handed him a small plastic bag with rolled up joints in it and gave him a small smile. "thanks, here's the money" he reached for his pocket and pulled out a hundred bucks. you took it and gave him a small nod then immediately walked away, folding your pocket knife back and putting it in your sling bag.

as you're walking, your phone started ringing and it was your girlfriend, calling you. "hey baby you still at the library?" the sound of her voice was comforting and it made you blush a little. you know how caring yeji is, and she dislikes the fact that you're always out late at night, "studying". see, the thing is, it's not that you wanted to lie to her but you just did it to keep her safe. you've met various types of people and you wouldn't want her to be involved with them in any type of way. "i left, i'll be there soon, mwah" you texted her back with a kissy emoticon. eventually, you arrived at you and yeji's shared dorm which was decorated with plushies and polaroids of you and her together. as soon as you unlocked the door, she sprinted at you and hugged you tightly while clinging onto you saying "i've missed youuu, next time just study here i promise i won't distract you whatsoever" she pouted. you giggled and carried her to your bed, adjusting your position allowing her to lay on your chest. "you don't wanna change into something comfy?" she looked up at you while fixing your hair so she'd get a clear view of your face.

"yeah i should, i'll be right back okay?" you got up and placed your sling bag on your desk then started undressing in front of her, since you were just delivering stuff you decided to go with something simple which was a tank top, zip up hoodie and baggy jeans. you took off your outerwear letting yeji stare at your arms, you weren't that muscular but you were lean and kind of toned which she found very attractive. you occasionally go to the gym to work on your boxing skills which helped you achieve this physique and also keep you safe when you're delivering drugs.

you head towards the bathroom to wash your face and brush your teeth. "thanks for just now" your customer texted you out of the blue. "babe, you got a message!!" yeji tried to notify you, since you have full trust in her, you let her read through your messages. "what the fuck??" she muttered to herself quietly as she scrolled through you and your customer's chat history which consisted a lot of them thanking you for some reason and you telling them your eta. yeji obviously had no idea that you were involved in dealing drugs so she automatically assumed you were cheating on her. "y/n, explain yourself? what have you been doing?" she held your phone out to you with her eyebrows furrowed indicating that she was angry and confused. "you've been cheating on me for months?" her voice got slightly louder than before. "no no it's not like that" you tried to hold her hands but she pulled away.

"okay just, sit down and i'll explain but you have to trust me please" you sit on your bed and tapped at the empty spot beside you signaling her to sit. "i've hated counting on my parents for money since they've been abusive my whole life and yes i've been taking up part time jobs but they don't pay well. so, i decided to deal drugs and complete other people's assignments to get quick money. i'm just doing this to survive college, i promise i'm not cheating on you. i love you so much, i would never do anything like that to you" you moved your hand closer to hers, wanting to hold them. "why didn't you tell me earlier? when we started getting to know each other?" she looked at you. "because you're a really sweet and precious girl to me, i don't want anything to put you in danger" you could feel tears forming in your eyes.

yeji felt guilty for being angry at you, "babe, secrets have a cost, they're not free, not now, not ever. there were so many times where you could've gotten hurt or died and i always worry about your safety" she moved closer to you, pulling your head on her shoulder while stroking your back. "we'll figure this whole financial thing out okay? you're a brilliant and hardworking student, you get good grades and you have an amazing reputation, you're even on the dean's list babe" she chuckled as she held your hand while rubbing it with her thumb. "you'll be successful in the future and i'll be there with you every step of the way" she placed a gentle kiss on your forehead. "you can still continue this but promise me you'll try and stop it as soon as possible okay?" she cupped your face and gave you a kiss while wiping your tears away.

"do you wanna watch a movie tonight? or we can study together?" she asked with a smile on her face. after that moment, you knew you'd marry this girl.

[frogoru]

i think i've been able to stay relatively calm about my faith as of recently (i had a small freak out period a little while back about homosexuality but i've mostly gotten over it) but i keep finding myself wondering about what's going to happen to me if everything i'm continuing to indulge in is like... actually a sin. i like to cherry pick the bible and i know that's frowned upon but i don't think i could live under those kind of restrictions, and i've been doing well and content in doing so but what if?? what if.

i keep finding it difficult to call myself a christian since whenever i do it, i feel ashamed because the whole point of being one is that you're supposed to base your life around christ's teachings... which i am clearly not doing!! homosexuality is the main thing i struggle with stressing out about but lust in general is a huge one and all the other temptations that people deal with on the daily and although i limit myself a healthy amount i don't really acknowledge it as me sinning usually because i have a "this is normal" mindset but what if this is all going to contribute to me being turned away and eternally damned.

i don't think i can fully grasp the concept of being damned to hell. when i was little i was scared of going there but for a majority of my life i've been in a state of spiritual decline and now that i'm catching up on everything again i feel like the time i spent not worrying about it is all pouring onto me now and it's so!! man!! so many things in scripture don't make sense to me and i hate that they don't make sense because if i want to be a believer, then i need to... like... BELIEVE, but it's so hard. i'm so jealous of people who are easily accepting of it because I WANT THAT i want that unwavering faith. i want that sense of security. i want to be able to believe that God loves and wants what's best for me but i don't and i hate it.

i liked to imagine that the things that bother me about the bible were added in by people wanting to corrupt it but if each translation basically gets at the same thing then i'm pretty sure i'm wrong about that. i try to dance around how a large part of myself is seen as immoral and an abomination to the religion i try to put my faith in but i keep encountering instances where it's hammered into my mind and i hate it so much. i hate that something so beautiful can be seen as wrong in the eyes of an all-loving god. i don't understand how god is all-loving when he's allowed so much pain and suffering to overtake the world and i don't understand why he can't just change things himself if he's the creator of everything. that's so blasphemous to say but that belief is so hard to go by with just your faith as your guide.

it makes me so upset to know that no matter how good of a person i try to be, it just isn't enough to gain salvation on my own. i love jesus as anyone else would but the notion of having to submit and obey a set of rules in order to have eternal life and not go through an eternity of suffering after i die makes me feel odd and i wish it didn't. it feels so constraining in a bad way and i wish it didn't!! i had to read an article a while ago about how god's love is supposed to feel constraining and i was like wow this is so sick and awesome what a cool way to put it but when i actually think about how i would apply that to my life it feels... CONSTRAINING OBVIOUSLY!! because so many of my interests and things that make me human are based around sin

i'm going out of my way to continue sinning and i probably won't stop anytime soon. it's so hard. i used to be so proud and happy in my attraction to women but now it feels like such a sensitive topic that i need to keep secret or else the people i know and admire in my personal life will judge and pity me. i'm so anxious about them finding my online presence and realizing how fucking weird i am because a handful of people i know in real life regard me very positively and i'm so terrified of having that image shattered.

i'm going to continue acknowledging that god loves me despite the things i surround myself with and indulge in. i feel so pathetic talking about this kind of thing because on one hand i don't want my religious friends to know because ermmm jazzy why are you rebelling against god knowingly?? not good not good. i hate the thought of being judged for this

[bisolationist]

You know being a woman abused by a woman I feel like I will never ever be able to connect with them fully.

Like even if we get along and all that I know it's all conditional. That kindness and female/feminist solidarity they all talk about is all conditional.

The second I mention the sex of my abuser and suddenly I'm seen as a gender traitor, they turn angry and attack me. And like you said now I know too much like I can't be expected to trust women, let my guard down with them stand with them etc...

And when I say this the way people talk to me its like sooo condescending like yeah I know misogyny is still a thing I'm a woman too !!! But you can't tell me to ignore women's wrongdoings towards me because men are worse.

Truth is they'll only show me kindness if I had the right type of abuser, went through the right type of abuse and had the right type of sexuality.

I mean I remember whne there was this girl who kind of did something sexual to me I told her to stop but I just kind of like gave in and whne she told everyone about what happened all my female friends were acting super weird towards me as if I was some sort of creep and then when I told them what happened they said smth along the lines of oh come on youre like down for everything (just bc I was seen as bi).

And the problem is I can't discuss this anywhere like literally anywhere if I post smth on my blog I'll have feminists and women say to me oh but you don't know hwo society treats mothers maybe she doing the best she could, oh well that never happened to me etc etc... like I can't deal with this. And on normal spaces like men don't care they'll use my abuse as an excuse to be misogynistic it's such an isolating experience. I don't expect feminists to fight for me like feminism is about female liberation they don't owe me anything but why did they have to go out of their way to attack me, mock me, call me a liar, belittle what happened to me, tell me I'm exaggerating, treat me as If I was betraying tye feminist cause for speaking up like i was a fucking mra, and I'm not even allowed to let my abuse affect me if I have one negative sentiment towards women I'm a pick me I'm sexist I'm this I'm that.

Sorry for this fucking wall of text I'm tired of them treating me this way then turn around and pretend it's not happening you knwo

I'm really sorry it took me a while to get to this. I think I'm starting to dread looking in my inbox and I keep putting it off.

Obviously I'm not in exactly the same boat as you, so I can't fully address the parts about being a woman. But you're definitely not alone - all of the women in your position *I've* talked to feel the same. I have at least one friend that's voiced very similar things (don't worry I asked for permission before linking; she said she'd be open to talking to you if you want). And while I haven't experienced it first hand... I mean... I've seen it. I've seen the anger and vitriol that gets sent you way, the way your trauma is scoured for any excuse to be dismissed, the way you get excoriated as anti-feminists for not pretending it's a lesser deal. Not that you need me to reaffirm it, but you're definitely not crazy.

And I do understand the loneliness. Sometimes I wonder if this is why I subconsciously isolate myself despite having lots of people that express they care about me, enjoy my company, etc. Because I can't fully trust any of them would take this topic seriously, and I just... couldn't bear it if they didn't. Sometimes trying to find people that will accept this, *and* my bisexuality, and have compatible values... I don't know, it feels way too unlikely you know? And that's just for friendship, throw in attraction/sexual compatibility in there and it's like... do these people exist...

The condescension is unbearable. Again, obviously not the same for me, but I'm so TIRED of people throwing it in my face like I'm saying misogyny isn't real? It's so frustrating that bringing this topic up at all invariably gets me listed as an MRA despite my beliefs being the opposite? Or they tell me things like that men are more likely to be the perpetrators against either sex... as if they ever took me seriously with that either? Either way, my bisexuality gets used against me, too. I don't think I've ever been in a situation where the excuses ran out - I guess that's the really disappointing thing. There's always someone willing to come to bat for these people, and they always try to justify their view as the moral and sensible one.

If you feel like you're suffocating about it all, I think you might as well blog about it. Who else are you going to blog for? It's your life! You're the only one that can give your voice power. But at the same time - yeah you're going to get weirdos and rape apologists. If that's too much to bear, that's completely understandable, too.

Anyway I'm not sure I managed to say anything new, but I hope you know I believe your experiences and how you've felt. I hope you know I'm angry on your behalf because you don't deserve to deal with any of the bullshit of how people treat you for it.

[legallybrunettedotcom]

Do you have a solution for breaking the cycle of self isolation after you've been made to feel inferior for being a "loser" who hasn't had as many life experiences as you should've at your age? I find it very hard to connect to people my age because im in my 20s and I've never dated. Even if I can get past my own insecurities constantly telling me I'm lesser because practically every single person my age (even the biggest outcasts or people who are less conventionally attractive than me) has been in a relationship and I haven't, people still bring it up and make it clear they find me weird because of it, like you said. I don't wanna be like this my whole life but frankly, its difficult not to choose self isolation when people actively and purposefully make you feel uncomfortable over being a "loser".

i put it under the line because i ended up blabbering too much.

sometimes i break that cycle and then get down a bit and decide to get stuck in it again. i'm the same, i never dated anyone, never kissed anyone and i don't know why. it's not like you can leave the house and yell who wants to fuck and everyone will flock to you. no one ever showed any interest. another thing is i have no friends, like genuinely. i try to hang out with people, but none of them are friends. i'm a proper loser in the eyes of everyone. i don't think there is a solution here that won't include constant heartbreak. it's just a process of endless trial and error until finally something works. or it might not work. like ever. we are both only in our 20s, there is so much ahead of you if you wish there to be. i don't think one should be jumping into the den with lions, but if an opportunity is presented to you, even the smallest one, take it. if you feel afraid or weird about it, learn to recognize that kind of thinking and try to be faster than it and go " ok let's do this, i'm counting 3-2-1 and my final decision is this or that. we're doing this or we're not doing this. end of story. " it's about learning to think less, as stupid as that sounds, but you see around yourself that the happiest people are those who don't think that much, they just do shit. through it you'll accumulate new experiences, new knowledge, new interactions etc. i know it's so easy to get stuck inside your head and only focus on yourself but it's important to practice curiosity, not just in the books, but when it comes to people as well, the person opposite you will always know something you don't.

you mention in the brackets the outcasts and people less conventionally attractive than you. it's the typical thinking of someone who has been insecure their whole life like what do these people have that i don't? envy obviously isn't the healthiest of feelings but it's normal and sometimes it just jumps in front of you before you can be your proper rational self. but i point you right there to those brackets, it seems to me that you do see something positive about yourself. i think all these insecurities that we have are often not genuine but a shield and just this sort of thing of oh let me put myself down first before someone else does. i did that my whole life and i still sometimes slip into it, but then one day i was like wait a second, why am i allowing intimidation? write down your qualities. like don't be humble, try to be as objective as you possibly can be, but also be a bit of a bitch a bit of cunt and write down every positive trait you have. i don't really like this modern self help books sentiment that is just constant repetition of know yourself know yourself you're the center of the universe blah blah it's so selfish and annoying and pathetic, but you do need a starting point, have some fundamental understanding of who you are or at least of who you're not and understanding of everything that you can possibly be and accomplish. if you find security in yourself, everything that you are and your potential to learn so much and be so many things you wish to be, maintaining your openness and curiosity and being less serious about yourself, other people's opinions and these notions of this type of person is a loser and this type is not, won't hurt you.

the human experience is so varied, everyone is learning on the go and there is this idea and concept of normalcy that a lot of people have failed to conform to. simultaneously we're all (for the most part. even those who mock you.) aware that there is no such thing as normal, no right way of living and yet we so desperately seek the conformity and approval and mistake it for community when it all reeks of malice and competition.

when it comes to all these people you mention, sort it out with yourself like ok do i genuinely want to do these things? am i seeking validation from people i don't respect? does this or that feel right to me? i know you don't want to be judged and you don't want to constantly be alone but do you really want to engage with people who don't respect you? like in my head, a good friend won't judge and laugh but will give you some encouragement, a bit of a nudge because sometimes that's all it takes. like i said in the beginning, trial and error. but that is every interaction til the end of your life. whether you're a loser or not. you try, you see ok i like these people or you say ok this fucking sucks and you move on. you get down a bit and then you try again. another thing i said in the beginning is that this might never work. some people never find friends, some people never you know find romantic love etc. it's a possibility and it's not the end of the world. is it an incredibly difficult thing to accept? of course. there is nothing i can say here that will make it an easier thing to accept.

i don't like those condescending posts that start with "you need to do this", you don't need to do anything you don't want to do, but toughen up, put some muscle on you, i don't mean literally, physically, but i think you get my sentiment. i don't think there is anything i said here that is going to be helpful, that is going to offer a concrete solution, because i think you know what the solution is and it's that annoying advice that people always give and i have been given it a million times, of like put yourself out there, you'll find someone, it'll all work out etc etc and it's like omgggg thanks for nothing. and i suppose in a way i did offer you the same annoying advice. no matter in what kind of cycle you find yourself in, the only way out of it is doing that very difficult thing that you dread. a person who isn't afraid can't be brave. try to develop a mantra, a story, a channeling of sorts that's gonna make some things a bit more bearable. i literally repeat a line from a book inside my head. this is how i try to sort out shit with myself. not everything works for everyone.

oh and another thing that helps is getting angry. not aggressive, not physical, not violent, just maintaining a healthy dose of anger inside yourself that propels you forward.

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/8-9/2023: HELL HOUSE LLC, MONSTER INSIDE: AMERICA'S MOST EXTREME HAUNTED HOUSE

*I'm fudging the dates a bit here just so I can combine movies with like-themes. MONSTER INSIDE wasn't actually out until 10/12, but what can I say, October was a beast and this is the least organized Blogtober has ever been!

Also, I'm kind of fudging my genre constraints. Every year I consider logging one honorary horror movie--something that wasn't intended to horrify but that definitely does, like certain romantic comedies whose ideals are so inhuman that any thinking, feeling person should object to them. So one of these reviews is for a documentary, which I don't really think should be considered a horror film, but it's relevant to my Halloweeny interests, so it stays in the picture.

I don't have very much to say about this movie except that it drives me fucking crazy. On so many levels I really kind of hate it; I hate all the characters, I hate the tired old /scary clown/ thing, I find the story totally predictable, and I just object to having to spend THAT MUCH time with douchebags saying douchey things to one another. But what I hate about HELL HOUSE LLC more than anything else is that I find it really scary! I don't want to have to give it the credit. And I don't think it should be neurologically possible for me to be sighing and cussing and rolling my eyes through most of a movie--and then to be suddenly, uncomfortably frightened through some of the actual scenes of horror. I almost wonder if I should even be admitting how much this scared me, but it's worth surfacing movies that affect you against your better judgment and taste, I think.

That said, I'm also a reasonably sensitive viewer. People who are not interested in horror media (and even some who ARE, unfortunately) have this misconception that the genre is for desensitized assholes, and my response to that is always just to ask: If I didn't react to what I saw in horror movies, then why would I watch them? Wouldn't I gravitate toward something else that I DO react to? Obviously not everyone is like me, but the assumption that the average horror fan doesn't experience appropriate feelings of horror is pretty ridiculous. I often think about when I first saw Lucio Fulci's CITY OF THE LIVING DEAD; I was huddled under a blanket watching the infamous guts-barfing scene through my fingers, when my super normie yuppie roommate shouted to me, "WHAT IS THAT NOISE?" I cried out "DON'T COME IN HERE!" and she replied, "ONE OF THESE DAYS YOU'RE GONNA SEE SOMEBODY'S HEAD GET CHOPPED OFF AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA LAUGH!" I have no idea what would make her think that that would happen, or that laughter would be my reaction. Honestly I thought she was a pretty desensitized, disturbing sort of person; she was a 24 year old life insurance salesman who scanned the obituaries for funerals where she'd go prey on the bereaved graveside ("It just makes me feel so good to help people!"). But in general, I think I'm more sensitive than the average person, with a bigger imagination for what life can threaten you with. I won't go in a haunted house attraction, actually. I went in one when I was about 11, and I regretted it almost immediately. I mean, when I go to a party, I'm usually afraid I'm going to have to endure the horror of unwanted hugs, so you can imagine how I'd feel if I go to a place where people are pretending they're going to kill me. I enjoy the idea of haunt attractions, I think it's a cool sort of folk art, but I'd rather hear about it than experience it.

So in the name of all that, I really appreciate documentaries about haunts, which allow me to enjoy this art form from the safety of the other side of a screen. There's a really good one from New Zealand called SPOOKERS, which is about a haunt that occupies an old, storied mental institution--so there are some folks who feel like this use of the location is hurtful and exploitative, while at the same time, the haunt itself is a center of gravity for local misfits who have found themselves and their chosen family by working there. It's complicated and moving, and I strongly recommend it. There is also the pretty-good HAUNTERS: THE ART OF THE SCARE, which examines the history of haunted house attractions, including the emerging trend of "haunts" that are more like torture dungeons that continue to stretch the limits of what a person can even consent to legally. If you're up to date on this topic, you may have guessed that Russ McKamey is one of the main subjects of that movie. He has been made more famous, or maybe infamous is the right word, through a recent documentary called MONSTER INSIDE: AMERICA'S MOST EXTREME HAUNTED HOUSE.

The title makes it sound like a run of the mill unscripted TV special, but MONSTER INSIDE is an examination of Russ McKamey's questionably legal, escalatingly sadistic haunt--which, as many have pointed out, isn't really a haunted house attraction, but something called an "immersive horror experience". McKamey used to run something more like a proper haunt, but even in its earlier days McKamey Manor was the most outrageous available version of the haunt experience; in HAUNTERS we see patrons begging for their freedom, some of whom are visibly bleeding, a few of whom are forced to eat their own vomit, and one of whom experiences a psychotic break and grabs an axe from one of her tormentors to try to escape. Since that time, it seems that things have only gotten worse, with literal waterboarding as part of its standard operation. MONSTER INSIDE features a set of interviewees who have been through one of McKamey's "tours", and who feel the need to speak out about what they were put through. Each of them experienced a sort of grooming process during which McKamey made them feel as if they had been specially selected from among the tens of thousands of prospective victims on a waiting list; he buddies up to them, pumps them full of ego-inflating talk about how they could be the one to put on "the best show ever" for his ever-present video camera, and gets them to sign a waiver agreeing not to press charges if they incur a whole encyclopedia of mental and physical injuries, including many things that an individual doesn't really have the legal ability to consent to. They are then tortured--there is really no other way to put it--for up to 12 hours on McKamey's property. They are not released until he is satisfied with a humiliated admission of total defeat; even in its earlier incarnations, McKamey Manor has prided itself on having no safe word. And, with some customers so traumatized that they can't remember things like where they are or who was the first United States president, retaining a safe word seems to be out of the question anyway.

One might ask, why would anyone subject themselves to this? MONSTER INSIDE does its best to address this mystery. The question of why anyone likes to be scared is always at the heart of the horror conversation, and common answers range from the catharsis screen scares can provide, to more intellectual motivations for exploring darkness. This line of inquiry may extend to why we enjoy Ouija boards despite (or perhaps because of) the popular warnings about how easily they can be misused, and why we agree to crowd into a darkened bathroom and chant the name of an evil spirit who will supposedly spring out of the mirror with murderous intent. Early in the found footage movie WE'RE ALL GOING TO THE WORLD'S FAIR, the naive young protagonist explains her participation in a cursed internet game reputed to have all sorts of terrifying effects, saying, "I love horror movies, and I thought it might be cool to try actually living in one." This may not be a truly satisfying reason for sacrificing one's connection to reality, but it is an honest one; Those of us who chase scares do it for personal, emotional reasons that may not translate into entirely rational statements. Still, the survivors of McKamey Manor make an effort: One horror fan is trying to launch her acting career, and knows that Russ's streamed footage of her ordeal could make her famous. One is a war veteran whose PTSD pushes him toward extreme sadomasochistic experiences. Many express a desire to prove something to themselves by facing their worst fears, of which McKamey collects a detailed list. And while scrutiny always seems to land on the victim who "must be crazy", one shouldn't forget the $20,000 reward offered to anyone who survives one of these indefinite "tours". No one was ever won this prize, though not for lack of trying; MONSTER INSIDE shows footage from the end of a session with an unyielding customer who McKamey belittles and berates despite his obvious win.

MONSTER INSIDE: AMERICA'S MOST EXTREME HAUNTED HOUSE is a fascinating, and continuously frustrating experience. It's a worthy project just to expose the true effects of McKamey's possibly illegal business, although it is also clear that exposure is what he wants more than anything. Early in the documentary he happily declares, "I probably wouldn't do the haunt if I wasn't able to film it, because I want the world to see what I'm doing." He does not appear to be making a fortune from this business, despite his legions of cultish fans who are happy to stalk and harass people who speak out about his abusive practices; at one time (and perhaps still?) a few cans of dog food were the cost of admission. Watching McKamey's antics are a good reminder that much of what we commonly think of as psychopathic behavior is really rooted in a desperate, insecure need for attention. Especially-men who identify with fantasies of merciless machismo, who insist on having everything their way and who do not take No for an answer, are really revealing a kind of extreme fragility. Despite their fantasies about being the alpha wolf, in their intolerance for anything that isn't exactly to their liking, they demonstrate a morbid lack of hardiness. If you can't take rejection, you're weak. If you can't handle even meaningless insults or negligence from people you don't even respect, you're weak. If you cannot ever be alone, if you need attention so badly that you're willing to hurt and disgust people to get it, after failing to genuinely impress or endear yourself to anyone, you're weak. You're infantile. Darwinism would weed you right the fuck out. You are not an apex predator, you are not the epitome of masculinity, if you are nothing without attention. I've known men like this, unfortunately, and when I see a guy like Russ McKamey in the midst of this power-mad hysteria, I see a wilting orchid who wouldn't last a second outside of his self-created greenhouse, and I wish I could tell him that.

But maybe no one has to. Maybe he already knows. In HAUNTERS, his wife laughs affectionately about McKamey's extraordinary wussiness; she tries to list his various fears, and doesn't seem to know where to start, but the documentary helps us out with footage of someone chasing him up and down the block with a snail. Russ is begging for mercy and appears to be in genuine distress, which is enormously satisfying, all things considered. I wonder if he would take $20,000 to let the reasonably angry survivors of McKamey Manor indulge in a little mollusk-flavored revenge.

[dhampyre]

Lmfao. I'm looking through screenshots on my phone and found this one of a reddit I was reading a while ago. It made me laugh. Men always let me down, so they had better at least look good while doing it. Lmfao. I've given up on men. Whether they're good looking or not, they usually end up being jerks. It's so disappointing.

I recently got a message here from another butt hurt guy talking about how he didn't like that I was posting pictures of guys that message me on dating apps. I'm not gonna stop doing this because I'm allowed to post whatever I want on my own blog. And I don't treat people badly because I'm not attracted to them. But I won't date them. I refuse. And nobody can make me feel bad about that. You're allowed to not be attracted to people. You're not an asshole if you're not attracted to people. You're an asshole if you're not attracted to a person and then you treat him badly because of it. And I don't do that. I just ignore men I'm not attracted to on dating apps. And I post here just to have a record of it so that if my mom ever tells me I'm too picky and care too much about looks, I can show her these dudes and ask her if she would date them. People annoy the fuck out of me. You know you wouldn't date any of these guys either. And many of them send offensive messages and just sexualize me anyway. The only reason they messaged me is because they liked what I look like. So you can't tell me I can't not want to interact with a guy because I don't like the way he looks. Fuck out of here. I'm not asking for a model. I just want someone I'm actually physically attracted to. I don't even really care about the body as much as I do the face. I prefer a man with an average body and a face that I think is amazingly beautiful to a man with a jacked body and a face that I really just don't find attractive. I've also been approached by men who have amazing, super fit, jacked bodies, but I couldn't find their faces attractive so it just doesn't work for me.🤷🏽‍♀️ Looks are obviously not the only thing that matters, but they definitely do matter. So let's not shit ourselves here pretending like it doesn't matter because you know damn well that isn't true! Most people do not want to date people they have no physical attraction to. Chemistry matters.

I'm not here to appease anyone. Just posting about the bullshit I see and experience. If you don't like it, then just leave.

Anyway, end rant.

[creepykuroneko]

When people say it's okay to like something but you need to "be normal about" it it's because the person they are talking to is being wildly inappropriate.

Examples of where I always see this topic come up in:

Ex #1 *Beautiful trans woman uploads selfie*

How people who think they're being supportive of trans women on the internet respond:

"Oh my God trans women are so fucken sexy! I want that girl cock inside of me! Cis woman could never! How could anyone not want to fuck a trans woman?"

These are not compliments, they are creepy inappropriate responses to give to a stranger on the internet. It also encourages people to put their fetish for trans women on full blast. Is not the same thing as being a trans Ally even if the people making the sexual harassment comments are trans themselves.

Ex #2 a black woman is minding her own business going to work or class.

White coworkers and/or classmates:

"Yas Queen! I see you! You are so thiccc ( this also happens too skinny and far from thiccc black women)! Teach me how to twerk. I want you to step on me! Crush me with your thick thighs! I love black women! Way better than white women!"

These are not compliments! It is racial fetishization and it's not even subtle. Although this does happen a lot online, unfortunately the behavior is not limited to the internet, there are various articles, books, and video essays that talk about sexual harassment black women face in real life. I strongly recommend looking into them. Keep in mind finding someone who is Black physically attractive and then believing that black people are the only sexy people in the world are NOT the same thing.

Ex #3 * A Japanese American person is just existing*

Some random stranger who sees them:

"Do you speak english! Your English is so good when did you come to this country! OMG are you are from japan? I think Japanese people are so hot 😍 but only Japanese people, not filipino's or whatever else there is. Can you say me love you long time? I love anime! I grew up watching Dragon Balls and Sailor Moon on toonami! Want to hear me pronounce the five Japanese words I know! I can use chopsticks! I have a bunch of katanas in my room and I've already chosen my Japanese name for when I go to live in Japan for a year. You don't speak Japanese or know anything about Japanese culture because you're a 5th gen american? I'm more Japanese than you are lol! I want to have your babies. I want you to have my babies!"

This also goes into the same problem of racial fetishization that was mentioned above. There is also the problem with the model minority myth that I know white people are less familiar with. You can find various books written on the subjects I'm not even going to get into it. It is important to keep in mind that white people favor Japanese people more than any other Asian ethnicity and there is a historic racist reason for that. Obviously yes you're allowed to like anime, Japanese musicians, ramen, video games, and kimonos. The problem is being a fucken weebo in front of Japanese people in real life who do not share the same interest as you and you assume they do because they're japanese.

Ex #4 blatant Erasure of disabled people and their needs by people who claim to be Disability Advocates. Whether we're talking about physically disabled people or people with cognitive handicaps, everyone including other disabled people love to erase their existence or downplay them.

It's claiming that the term disabled is "ableist" and Society needs to refer to people with handicaps as being "differently abled" ( which honestly is a lot more insulting) or telling neurodivergent people that "there is nothing wrong with you. You are perfectly beautiful as you are" ableism is alive and well especially within disabled spaces. As I've mentioned countless times I no longer go into the neurodivergent tags on Tumblr because I cannot stand the ableism from other neurodivergent people in them.

People will Pat themselves on the back believing that they are an advocate for disability rights will at the same time trying to roll back disabled activism by decades. I see way too many people encourage others to throw their meds away without telling their family what they are doing because they damper personality and spirit. Never mind the fact that those are literal life-saving meds somebody needs to be on and that person A is not person B's doctor. Random High school students on social media who believes they know more than an actual qualified doctor with a PhD who has met the patient in person and has been working with them on a treatment plan. But sure the stranger on Tumblr knows more about everything. Take a look at all the people who are now in their twenties who blame social media and specific movements for keeping them depressed for years. Who talk about how they tried to commit suicide specifically because of this group that they thought would lift them up but ended up enabling them to become the worst version of themselves. The mantra "Stay angry" made them think that if they sought help for their disorder, they would be falling in line with the status quo.

I've seen it countless times on Tumblr where someone will talk about how they are a paranoid schizophrenic who decided to go off their meds without telling anyone because they don't want to be controlled by big pharma. Rather than people voicing their concern and try to encourage them to speak with their doctor about it, strangers on the internet applaud them and tell them they are doing great at taking charge of Their Own life. 5 months later that same person is depressed, homeless, and cannot figure out why. People tell them that it's all society's fault for letting them down, never mind the fact that they encourage them to go off their meds in the first place.

When people say to "be normal about something", they're not saying that you need to fall in line with all the other robots in society. They are saying that you need to check yourself and your behaviors when it comes to a specific subject.

You don't have to "be normal about" anything, you just gotta try to be kind about it

[theskyexists]

Arcane act 2

Just watched ep five of arcane if I'd been Vi and Jinx had said all that shit to me I would have tried to actually kill her again or simply walked away. And the best vi could come up with is: you're bad at close combat

Lol

Why does Vi always have to be the useless softie. Her sister ruined her life three times in a row and now she's even gonna take the sass? Couldn't have gone: Oh yeah, what a hero, ruining my life for the fucking third time. What a hero, killing people for fuckin Silco, for nothing, just cos you felt like it. Oh so you broke out half of Stillwater but never me??? Huh?? Never even thought I might be alive and rotting in some cell??

Vi has so many grievances but she never confronts jinx about them.

She even believed Jinx about the beast attacking her being Vander. It is clearly a deliberate character choice. I mean, she fell in love with A COP!!! After getting beat up by them half her life. But that was played very delicately and built up very carefully and realistically. But I don't find it a satisfying character choice when it comes to jinx. She's always just the punching bag. Always too little, too late, always just taking it, always made powerless and ineffective

Jinx (though jinx is dead?) just taking the choking and Vi not going through with it sets the stage for the rest of the episode (they don't want to kill each other), allows them to redo the high stakes for real fight as a slap fight between now three sisters. But damn. Like I said. If Jinx had mocked me for being depressed as fuck because I lost my girlfriend because SHE'D KILLED HER FUCKING MOTHER AND RUINED EVERYTHING yeah. It would not have gone that way

Anyway I hoped they'd just destroy Stillwater, that place obviously should be exploded.

The irony of Ambessa and Caitlyn throwing a whole bunch of peaceful protestors into prison (though, @ sevika, what the FUCK is 'taking a stand'? What is the plan here? Attack piltover, again??) without trial and Caitlyn specifically threatening Singed with prison conditions that are completely inhumane when Vi suffered a decade in that place.. no trial, no lawyer either

I quite liked Maddie in this. Why were people mad. She actually seems to be a voice of reason and peace in Caitlyn's ear

But also.

Did Jayce just freakin kill Salo? ?????????

I see that the whole Medarda family is stupidly hot. I don't understand what's going on with that family history though what's with the extra kid and the irrelevant puzzle. Wish Mel had more screentime

Where's ekko. .... :(

Gorgeous animation. Like Jinx mellowing out really. Still love the music video intro bits.

Loved Caitlyn's bits. The loose hair, the cape, how is she SO ATTRACTIVE. The incredible sharp investigative eye. The bit where she still seemed to care about there having to be a reason for arrest at the start of the episode.

Ambessa's lioness mask is so cool.

[josies-not-suicidal-now]

There was a wild-eyed excitement to her that Josie found a little unsettling. It just didn't make her feel especially calm being next to so much girl that was moving with so much frenetic energy. It had been a constant from her first message on grindr: "you're so hot, I'm begging you to ruin my life." And even as Josie felt the evening drawing to a close, Ash was persisting with her positive mood. Josie felt the sinking feeling that she thought Ash wasn't pretty enough to be allowed to be this unashamedly attracted to her, but acknowledging the internalized transmisogyny of the thought was beyond Josie's capacity at this point. So she tried to ignore her own feelings entirely. Ash was the ideal online trans lesbian, and just like all the tumblr posts had warned, she was a bit autistic and kinda fat, and Josie was unsure if she had it in her heart to dismiss such a girl. But as conversation pressed on, from undesired subject to undesired subject, Josie felt no love in her heart for the girl, only the desire to sleep, it was tragic. The golden retriever girlfriend for her annoyed cat self had shown up, and they were so incompatible that they weren't even gonna fuck and it was upsetting. Dearly upsetting.

"y'know like not like we're gonna hook up or anything, but I always tell this joke of like, I can't hook up with someone unless I know their favourite song and their least favourite parent, and now I kinda wanna find out what yours are." Ash said, it was a loud bright thought, Josie barely held on to half of it, the wine was overwhelming her senses.

"Sorry you wanna know my favourite song and my least favourite parent?" Josie asked.

"Yeah, yeah!" Ash answered.

Josie took a second to parse the question, it wasn't formulated in the way that normal people construct sentences, but it was also kinda cute. Actually the question was kinda charming.

"Okay favourite song, let me think." Josie could tell now that she was looking for the right answer not accourding to her taste but accourding to what would garner her the most appreciation from Ash. She searched through her mental library of songs, and then found what she wanted.

"Chaser by femtanyl."

"Isn't that an album?" Ash questioned.

Josie felt like she had made a social faux pas, she had failed the coolness test, she was the biggest idiot there ever was, literally mistakes georg. She was supposed to name a song and named an album, any cool person who likes trans girl music would know that.

"Eh doesn't matter, and it's a short album, so it's basically like listening to a long song. Yeah I really like that, I listen to it when I'm at uni all the time, it's really relaxing when you gotta deal with neurotypical cishets for a day." Ash said.

Josie felt elated, the cool kids liked her after all. A moment passed before Ash noticed Josie wasn't thinking of her answer to the other question, "So then who's you're least favourite parent?"

"Oh. Well obviously my dad."

"Oh, is he a shitty guy?"

Josie was struck by all her memories of her father in person, the solidity of his frame, the confidence with which he smiled and walked, the ways he used to tease her.

"When my sister was born he competed with her for my mother's attention. He's an asshole."

It felt odd saying it out loud. Josie would have dwelled on the feeling it filled her with for longer, but fortunately Ash had more questions.

"Oh so when did you parents get divorced."

"They were never married actually, I'm a bastard, literally."

There had been too much nicotine in the joint, or perhaps she was just reaching that level of tiredness where the distinction between waking and sleeping ceases to hold meaning. With a terrible suddenness Josie felt like the floor of her chest had fallen off, like her insides were scattered across the floor and that she needed to be held. She needed to be squeezed, gripped, she needed someone to rearrange her insides in such a way that she contained them again, and then she needed that someone to grab her tightly to guarantee no spillage. It was a feeling emptier than unresolved desire, it threatened to punch a hole clean through her.

She wordlessly threw herself into Ash's embrace, who valiantly did her part in holding her, and not taking advantage of her in this state. For Josie's recovery this was a godsend, she could demand to be held tighter, without having to worry about sexual miscommunication, or worry for her own safety or anything. For her self esteem it was less than ideal, she began to worry that Ash was disgusted by her, that this show of complete trust and vulnerability was burdening her unfairly, or even scaring her away.

Ash's body was a completely new kind of comforting. Her frame was big and solid in that way that fills you with comfort and certainty, but it was covered in soft skin. Everything about her was soft, even as Ash's arms strained around her and strained her lungs, the restriction felt soft. It was nice finally meeting the kind of girl who ate more than weed and drank more than monster. It was comforting that that kind of girl was even out there, that some girls managed to take care of themselves, that people were living womanhood and having a good time with it too.

With time Josie explained the actual cause of her sudden panic:

"My Dad used to say that to me all the time, he used to tease me with it 'you're a bastard, literally.' and it just felt so gendered from his side back then, and it just brought a lot back for me all at once."

Ash was sympathetic, and mused about the nature of trauma and recovery for the next half hour until Josie fell asleep on her shoulder. She stayed for another half hour to see if Josie would wake again, read some interesting tumblr posts about common anti-civ critiques, and eventually picked up her things and left.

She left Josie with the text: "Hey babe, you fell asleep on my shoulder and it was unclear if you had consented to me sleeping in your bed, and I didn't want to wake you so I just left. I had a really good time with you! I hope we can hang out again soon! :3"

Josie couldn't think of a response so she waited to think of one, and forgot about it for a week at which time she had already given up on Ash. The relationship saw the light of life for a day.

[perpetual-fool]

I'm trying out a 'contrarian' voice.

So like, when I do whatever and the evil voice is like "you're a fucking piece of shit for that", I have the contrarian voice say "no, you should do that thing more actually". A couple days ago I was depression-eating a chip sandwich, and the contrarian advised me to eat the whole loaf of bread and all chips. And I don't want to do that? Not a revelation or anything, but it feels like my position is now contradicting what the evil voice was telling me. All it directly said was that I'm a piece of shit, so it must also be implicitly meaning that I am so because I want to eat lots of junk food. Which I don't. So the evil voice is trying to force me into a position I don't actually hold. And since that voice was what others programmed into me, that strongly suggests that that's what others are doing. Correspondingly, never in my life has anyone actually clarified what my position was. (arguably one exception, but it was at my behest and he was faking it.)

And my thoughts start going haywire about here, like, panic for no reason, so there's definitely something here.

Am I being denied a position? Currently a big one is like "feeling any kind of attraction means you only care about sex, therefore you're a pervert and shouldn't be allowed around other people". And the contrarian says "actually you should be surrounded by pretty dancing girls at all times". And I don't want that, 'cause they'd get tired and bored and uncomfortable. So among other things, I want to make someone happy. And I haven't been allowed to know that? More like 'believe' that. And, yeah. I was preemptively taught that I was 'sexualizing' women by being harassed about cheerleaders when I was dragged to sports games. And not in response to anything. I've always hated sports, I just got dragged to events by family a couple times. And if I simply looked at the cheerleaders my sister would harass me, and if I didn't look my sister would also harass me about that. And yeah, was taught I was generally wrong as a person by kindergarten blah blah, but maintained by absolutely never being acknowledged. The position doesn't exist in the culture, if expressed in person I'll either be told I'm wrong or get no response at all. No one will say "not my thing, but that's fine", or similar. Like, with guitar's tuning issue, I never found anyone saying "yeah it happens, but it doesn't personally bother me" so I thought I was just crazy for years.

Does this help anything? Sometimes, apparently. I think it might depend on being able to identify the argument. Like, last night I was feeling a bit sick, and my brain was telling me I'm bad and it's my fault somehow. (I can think of a few justifications.) But even if I had eaten a chunk of styrofoam on purpose just to see what would happen, why would that be 'evil'? Hm, because those who don't follow the prescribed behavior deserve whatever negative consequences that entails? Feels more like "..deserve negative consequences regardless of what's entailed". Sure. And then I'm extremely anxious about everything because I can't figure out what's actually prescribed. (The ostensible stuff doesn't work, so obviously those are not the 'true' prescribed behaviors.) That would be "you should suffer if you don't do what I want". And there's no argument, it's just fiat, there's nothing to refute about fiat. But this does loop around to the thought that inspired this whole rambling.

This is some Russell's teapot kinda bullshit. I'm looking for understanding and belonging and whatever, and people keep pointing me to this godforsaken asteroid. I have been scouring this rock for decades and I cannot find it. I can't prove that it's not here, which leaves me two options. If I knew why others tell me it's here, I could possibly prove the claim wrong. But others refuse to give the information needed to understand anything at all about them. So I have one option, I have to find it elsewhere. Simple enough? difficult to believe in. Because I want to be part of that world. And if I develop genuinely effective communication, I'll still be the only one who gives a shit. It's hard to think anything matters if I'm going to be alone regardless.

But is that a scam? Like, "you will be allowed to understand only if you never engage in the behaviors required to create understanding" couldn't possibly deliver on its promise. Bah, that's the "why are people directing me to the asteroid" question.

I don't think this is resolved but I do feel some gears turning.

It's annoying to keep coming to the same conclusions, feel insecure about that. But I think I've been misunderstanding the problem. As with learning most things, most of the work is not achieving a result, it's mostly running into unexpected problems and figuring out how to deal with them. So if I could go back in time one week, tell my past self "you deserve whatever happiness you can create", they wouldn't have the mental tools to accept it.

Have to leave it here 'cause I'm burned out. I'm also unusually not-anxious, less anxious than baseline. That's probably good.

[bimbinis]

not to mention it's especially bold to suggest that criticizing this phenomenon hurts minority authors because they simply "must do this to get ahead" considering the very minority status that is theoretically the one being suppressed is what is being pushed front and center by major publishers who get front page on release on goodreads. if what you're arguing is that these minority status are attractive to companies because it's currently politically expedient to pretend you give a shit but the intricacies of those identities isn't, because they're only interested in palatable versions of those identities, then I fully agree. but what that means isn't "they're forced to keep the interesting bits to the actual book and only tagline the attractive parts", what it means is that they don't publish those interesting bits period. The problem with the defense that marginalized authors (in this case specifically queer) are forced to market their books like that to sell is that if the book they managed to get published is the kind that can be marketed like this by the kind of company that markets like this, then chances are it's some trite shite that I don't want to read!

"If 'bisexual druids in space' doesn’t sound interesting to you on its own, you probably won’t be interested in the longer blurb that gives you details about the bisexual druids in space, either" makes the opposite of the argument you think you're making. obviously I wouldn't be interested, because if the most interesting thing you can think of about your book, the selling point to draw my attention, is that it has bisexual druids in space then the book is not interesting.

and the clear sentiment seeping through that one wouldn't be interested in this because they don't like queer people is hysterical to me, as someone who's been looking for books with trans male characters in them for almost a decade and is very quick to dismiss them for being the kind to use this precise type of marketing, because the reason I haven't been able to find anything I like in this regard is that I have higher standards than just having a fucking trans man in it, and the kinds of standards I have are not being published. The majority of fiction being published about trans men is the same trite formulaic slop that caters to cis people and has little to nothing of interesting to say. if you're the kind of person who's able to be persuaded by nothing blurbs like this it's because you're willing to read slop. it might not be your main predilection but you do necessarily accept that outcome. that's fine, you're allowed to. but don't pretend this is a universal standard, don't act like people who don't like it are actually the ones who don't read and don't act like this is the only option just because you can't imagine what lies beyond it. don't piss on my leg and tell me that it's rain