#obviously no pressure though!! this was mainly made to help both myself and anyone else experiencing writer's block :d

[nerdieforpedro]

Is it procrastinating if you’re encouraging others to write? ✍️ One ponders…

All of these look fun though.

Flower Language Based Prompt List I made instead of writing 💐

I tried to make the prompts relate to each flower’s definition per the Victorian Flower Language without getting too repetitive.

The prompts are all fairly open ended and I figured people could use them for their own inspiration or request games!!

You know the “send me a ship and flower and I’ll write something.”

Anywho, if anyone does end up using this I’d love it if you’d tag me so I can read what you’ve written!! Either way, I hope someone can get use out my procrastinating 💖

Click here to view an unedited version of the document: The List

[silurisanguine]

Sunday Snippet

Tagging the Coemancer Crew as always, @vorchagirl @despicablediet plus anyone else who'd like to share a snippet from their latest WIP. No pressure! This is a rough from a future chapter of Chasing Your Star Until I Reach Home.

As they hurried back to the Cora's Revenge, Seren almost skidded to a halt when she caught sight of two people she'd hoped to avoid when coming to this place. Delgado and Naeva talking to each other casually, obviously waiting for Sam to return to his ship. Seren bristled under her armour but stayed silent, hoping Sam would be able to talk his way off the station without causing a scene. Though it was very clear to her he wasn't happy either, the fact he still had his rifle unholstered was testament to that. She doubted he would openly attack Delgado...Naeva on the other hand... Delgado was the first to notice them both and made eye contact with Sam, crossing his arms and glaring.

”I thought I told you it was best you stay off the station for the time being?” Delgado looked the same as he did in Seren’s universe, though if anything the circles under his eyes were more obvious. Seemed the weight of leading a strange rebellion with less than enthusiastic soldiers was wearing at him.

"Just picking up some supplies Del, then I'll be out of your hair.” Sam sounded cheerful, but he still hadn't holstered his rifle from before when he stood in front of them both. Mainly because Naeva hadn't taken her eyes off Seren and was staring daggers at her, whilst twirling a very real dagger in her hands. Delgado's second stepped forward jabbing the dagger like a finger at Seren, who remained calm even as she clenched her fist ready to use one of her powers.

"That's her Del. You bitch! You trapped us on Vectera. Took Lin two hours to get us out of that hab.” Naeva spat the words out, her sneer even worse now there was a harsh scar pulling at her top lip.

"I’d have done the same honestly.” Sam chuckled as Delgado placed a hand in front of Naeva to stop her lunging forward. The pirate woman spat at Seren’s feet, her displeasure at being held back obvious.

"So she’s with you now Coe? Guess her services are more than just mercenary.”

Naeva tried making a show of looking Seren up and down, but the nervousness that came off the woman was so obvious for Seren to feel, so she made a point of keeping her helm opaque so as not to let the woman see her face. She knew how intimidating her armour could be, even with the robes that now covered the strange metal. She saw Sam shake his head and place all his weight on one hip, still acting casual at a glance, but Seren knew he was wired to act on a second if needed.

"I wouldn’t make her an enemy Naeva. She's an enemy of the UC and an ally to us, plus you threatened her when you first found her. What the fuck did you think she'd do? Just be glad she let you live." He stepped slightly in front of Seren which made her grin behind her helm, he was protecting her again?

"I can speak for myself Sam.” She said, her voice echoing so it made her sound sinister within the confines of the station. Raising her hand to let it bristle with ice cold sunless space energy, she looked directly at the pirate woman who took a step back when she saw the ice ball forming in her hand.

"Ms Mora.  You may test your assumptions at your convenience.”

"Enough!” Delgado brought his hand to his temple and rubbed it, obviously staving off a headache. “Coe, I dont care who you ally with if it helps us. But…do you have an update for me regarding what you are meant to be doing? Is Victis planning an attack here?”

Seren moved her head imperceptibly from Naeva to Sam, her worry hidden by her helmet. That’s what he was doing? Sarah had to know, she was no fool.

"Cant say…boss. The General is tight lipped at the Lodge and she has her robot guarding her office day and night.” Sam lent on one hip again, seemingly not bothered by the way Naeva was still looking daggers at them both. The obvious disdain in the way he said boss was not lost on Seren either, so she kept her guard up. “What I have heard let slip through her lapdog Barrett is Victis is getting bored of playing nice. He cant use his ideal weapon on us here and knows it, but I have a feeling he plans to cut us off from our supplies by targeting them. Here’s all the evidence I was able to get, including a possible planned attack on Neon.“ He handed a slate to Delgado who took it and showed Naeva. She took her eyes off the pair to read it and almost growled before standing up straight, tucking the dagger back into her thigh holster.

[authoressofdarkness]

I saw that you're taking prompts, from the dialogue list. Can I get number 20? “I’ve never had someone taking care of me before.” for starker obviously. I'm excited, I love reading your works. Thank you in advance!

Hi anon! That means so much to me and I’m v glad to be taking this as my first prompt. Thank you 💙

I kinda want to try some new things with some of these prompts, so I’m gonna go at this with omega Tony and alpha Peter and see where it goes. I hope that’s okay with you anon and that everyone likes it 😘

Same age college AU, omegaverse, alpha Peter Parker, omega Tony Stark, some angst and some fluff at the end.

—

It’s a well known fact that Tony Stark has a shitty family.

Well, at least to anyone who knows him, it is. They know how he’ll do anything to not be at home when his father is around, to get out of the endless pressures of social events and promotional things and questions of mating and management and all of the things that he hated about being born an omega and being attached to the last name Stark to top it all off—

For years, it was just him. Some flings, mainly to piss his father off, but he never had his attention for longer than the time it took to scold him or order him around, and his mother was never much help, either. He had precious few friends growing up, never really made any real ones until college when he met Rhodey and Pepper — an alpha and a beta respectively that helped him manage things there and that were the first people to truly understand the depths of struggles he had going on at home.

And they were great friends, still are, but there was never anything more there between them. They helped him float through the first year of school, and then—

And then came Peter Parker.

Tony doesn’t hate all alphas on principle, although he is often rather tempted to try to, what with how they were shoved in his face most of his life. They were great for a good fling but most of them were meatheads. As horny as Tony was, he couldn’t allow just anyone to be close to him, nothing too get to serious, because he’s got a lot of responsibility coming down to him and he needs the right partner — alpha or otherwise — to be willing to deal with that. Not that he’s particularly interested in mating right now but he also isn’t going to allow someone close enough to potentially mark him knowing the repercussions of that.

He’s the heir to Stark Industries, sure, but he’s still an omega. An alpha will have significant legal power over him once they’re mated. And he wants to be the one to run SI, to take on his legacy, to build, to create, and to run his business, and he’s not going to let anyone stop him, even if that means flings forever.

(Not that that’s legally going to fly because he can’t take over until he’s considered qualified which implies a certain amount of stability that translates into having an alpha that’s more than just a fuck buddy but—)

It doesn’t matter. None of it matters after he meets Peter.

Peter is a year younger than him in school, technically, but biologically they’re the same age. Peter just started a bit later than most — and for good reasons, as Tony comes to find out.

He’s in one of Tony’s engineering classes and his organic chemistry class and the omega would be lying if he said he wasn’t immediately taken with him.

He can’t help it. Peter is cute, with his overgrown curls and slim form and silky skin and shy little smile and—

The other man is all alpha, there’s no doubt about it. He exudes it without even trying, but there’s a shyness to him, too. He’s not a meathead; he’s a sweetheart. From day one he’s respectful of Tony in class, kind when he sees him around campus, and that makes them the perfect lab partners in chemistry, and after knowing that, it’s just the natural choice for them to partner for the project in engineering and then—

Then things spiral, and Tony doesn’t even care.

He’s seeking the alpha’s attention, and Peter, the innocent, shy thing he is, is happy to give, to dote on Tony in ways that he would resist if they were coming from anyone else.

They’re not even fucking, but it’s intimate, so intimate that he can’t even explain it, and he loves it, scarily so. It both soothes and sets all his instincts on edge at the same time.

By mid semester they both have keys to come and go freely from each other’s rooms. It’s more common to see them together than it is to ever spot one of them out alone. The whole school probably thinks they’re a couple, and even though they’ve never made it official — and he’s never allowed himself to even come close to considering it before — Tony can’t bring himself to mind.

As midterms approach, though, Tony locks himself in to focus on his work. He doesn’t mean to, really; it’s just that hours studying slip into full nights and then he hasn’t eaten and he hasn’t left the room, even missing one of his classes because he doesn’t realize the time.

Peter hasn’t come by in days and except for the occasional check in text, Tony hasn’t heard from him, either. But they’re both busy with midterms so he really isn’t surprised. In fact he barely has time to eat, let alone check his phone, so even if he was texting him regularly Tony probably wouldn’t be answering.

Except mid terms or no, of course Peter notices when Tony misses class. And when his texts go unanswered by the absorbed omega, he doesn’t hesitate to show up and let himself in.

Tony doesn’t even realize anyone is there until he feels a hand on his shoulder. He jumps so hard he nearly knocks the chair back, and when he turns around he sees Peter, stepping back and holding his hands up in the universal “I surrender” gesture, clearly not having meant to startle him.

“I’m sorry, I knocked but you didn’t answer so I let myself in. I just— you weren’t in class, and I was worried… are you okay? When was the last time you ate?” It takes all of two seconds for Peter’s sheepishness to melt into concern, and he steps forward again, closing the distance between them to tilt Tony’s chin up, looking at the shadow stretching across his jaw where he hasn’t shaved in a few days. “You’ve lost weight,” he murmurs, thumb brushing over Tony’s cheekbone tenderly — which, yeah, is definitely more prominent than it was at the beginning of the week.

Tony’s eyes flutter and he leans into the touch for a moment before refocusing and shaking it off. “I’m fine. This is normal, Peter. I know what I’m doing.”

“Do you?” Peter raises an eyebrow. “Do you even know what day it is?”

“It’s Saturday—“

“It’s Monday, Tony. 1pm on Monday, at that. You missed engineering this morning and you haven’t answered my texts all weekend.” Surprise flits across Tony’s face at that, because — yeah, last time he checked it was Saturday, and he had no new texts from Peter, so— “When was the last time you ate?” Peter continues to prod, voice gentle but insistent.

Both aspects only serve to spark irritation in him, though. Tony bats Peter’s hand away from his face, frowning. He doesn’t need to be treated with kid gloves. “I ate a little while ago. I’m fine.”

“You don’t even know what day it is—“

“It all kind of blurs together when you’re not doing anything besides working, okay—“

“Two days is a lot of blur, Tony—“

“And just because I need a shave doesn’t mean I haven’t left my desk or that this isn’t totally normal for midterms—“

“You’re the one saying you haven’t left your desk, not me—“

“That’s not what I meant! I’m just saying—“

“I’m just saying you need to take a short break, it’s not that big of a deal—“

“I don’t need a break, I know my limits—“

“Tony, I really don’t think—“

“Jesus fucking— You’re not my alpha, Parker, would you fuck off?”

The words come out before he can stop them, and he flinched himself at the hurt on Peter’s face, the way the alpha physically recoils, shoving his hands in his pockets.

“I’m not— god, I know that, okay? I’m just trying to help you, Tony. Please, this isn’t sustainable. You need to eat. Just— let me find you something, and then I’ll leave, okay?”

Leave? No, he doesn’t want him to leave. But the only thing that comes out is a quiet “whatever,” and he watches Peter escape to the kitchen with a ball of guilt growing in his chest.

Peter is just trying to help. He likes Peter and he doesn’t want him to leave, he just— he panics, and then he snaps.

Because what if Peter wants more? What if he really likes him? And Tony is a fuck up that does shit like this when he feels emotions and has so much baggage attached to being with him and—

And Peter knows that, at least some of it. It’s been a few months of seeing each other nearly every day, now, and his family situation was never a secret.

So why is he still here? Oh god, did Tony just ruin it?

The thought, for reasons that he’s refusing to immediately think about, is almost too much to bear. He stands up, fumbling his way out of the chair and into the kitchen.

The smell hits him almost as soon as he enters, and he sucks in a deep breath. His traitorous stomach growls, loud and demanding.

Soup bubbles on the stove as Peter works at the counter, chopping up some fruits and vegetables. He’s already managed to put a few little storage containers of food together for him, and something in Tony’s gut feels warm at the sight. But it also drops — preparing premade meals most certainly means that Peter isn’t intending to come back.

He looks up when Tony enters, expression wary. “The soup was the quickest thing you had, and since I had to be here for as long as it takes to boil anyway I thought I would just—“

“Peter.” His own voice sounds remarkable calm for how shaky he suddenly feels, lurching towards the alpha at the countertop. “It’s okay. I… thank you, for this. I’m sorry.”

Peter looks taken aback by the apology. “Tony, you don’t have to apologize. You’re right; I’m not your alpha and it’s not my place to give you orders. I just… I care about you, okay? I just want to help. I know you don’t think about me that way, and I’m sorry I overstepped, but—“

“You’re wrong.”

“What?” The words draw Peter up short.

Tony takes a breath, looking down. He focuses on the alpha’s hands, watching him chop instead of looking at his face. It’s easier. “You’re wrong. It’s not that I don’t think of you that way. The problem is… that I do. And I… I’m not used to this. I’ve never had someone take care of me before. Not really, not in any way that mattered. And what I feel for you… it scares me.” He takes a little breath again, looking down at his own hands. “I want you to be my alpha, Peter. But I’m not really a good omega, and I just have so much shit that comes along with being with me. The thought of asking you to do that… what that could do to us… I just don’t think I could handle that.”

He hears the knife ting against the countertop as Peter sets it down, and the pitter patter of footsteps as the alpha crosses the room. He’s suddenly being drawn into a pair of lanky but surprisingly strong arms, surrounded by the musky, relaxing scent of alpha, and he practically melts into it, nestling his nose into the spot between the collar of Peter’s sweatshirt and his throat almost automatically.

Peter’s hand running up and down his back is soothing, relaxing him the rest of the way, and the press of the alpha’s chin against his head is just the perfect weight to be comfortable, reassuring.

“Tony… I’m not an idiot,” he says gently. “I know who you are. What you’ve done, where you came from, what’s expected of you — and yeah, I’m sure there’s more that you haven’t told me and that’s not public, but— I get why this is a struggle for you, and why you feel the need to put so much pressure on yourself. There’s nothing wrong with you for that and it is most definitely not your own fault that you’re not used to being taken care of. And you’ve no idea how badly or how long I’ve wanted to be your alpha.” He pulls back a little to look down at him, fingers scratching Tony’s scalp gently as he works his fingers through his hair. “But that doesn’t mean that this kind of behavior — towards yourself or others — is good or acceptable. It’s okay to let me take care of you — at least in small ways. I know you’re scared of losing your independence, but that’s not what I want for you, either. I just want to help.”

“Help,” Tony echoes, eyes drifting to the pan on the stove and then back to Peter. “I… I think I’d like that.” He bites his lip, looking up at him. They’re about the same size and height, but this close, wrapped in the alpha’s arms and scent, with his steady gaze on him, he can’t help but feel small by comparison. “You really want to be my alpha?”

“Only if you want me to be, but…” Peter looks down at him and cracks his shy little smile. “I’d like to try, if you’d let me.”

“I’d like that,” Tony admits. He shifts to press up against him, putting a hand on his chest. “I’d also really like it if you’d kiss me.”

Peter looks a little surprised, but not unpleasantly. Still, he shakes his head, giving him a little push back. “Tony, you didn’t even know what day it was. God knows when the last time you brushed your teeth is. No offense, but… ew.”

Tony just laughs a little, unable to help himself. “If I brush my teeth…?”

“Maybe. If you eat your food as well.” Peter moves back to the counter, finishing up the container he was working on. “We can’t be doing anything that’s going to burn you extra calories when you don’t have enough to begin with, hm?”

Tony finds himself grinning. “That’s an argument I can get behind. Literally and metaphorically.”

Peter flashes a grin in return, voice back to that gentle but insistent tone that he knows so well when he says, “Go, Tony.”

And for once, Tony is all too happy to obey.

[wrenhyperfixates]

A Kiss at Midnight

Pairing: Loki x reader Summary: At Tony’s New Year’s Party, you notice Loki is upset. He’s hesitant to tell you what’s wrong, but when he finally confesses, the coming year suddenly seems so much brighter. Warnings: mainly fluff with just a tiny bit of angst A/N: Happy New Year everyone! May it be filled with nothing but love and joy. Thank you all for supporting me. I’m looking forward to producing even more content in the coming year! Enjoy :)

Tag List: @lucywrites02 @frostedgiant @lunarmoon8 @twhiddlestonsstuff @lokistan @thelokiimaginechroniclesficrecs @gaitwae​ @whatafuckingdumbass​

Disclaimer: Gif not mine

Yet another party was raging on around you. There had been far too many this past year, in your opinion. At least this one wasn’t just because Tony was throwing it on a whim. No, tonight was New Year’s Eve. Even so, you would argue that the music was blasting just a little too loud, and everyone was shouting just a little too much. Maybe those were directly affecting each other, you thought with a small laugh.

You glanced over to where the God of Mischief, your best friend, was standing, looking rather glum. After having made the rounds, you were on your way to the corner he had sequestered himself in. If there was anyone who disliked these parties more than you, it was Loki. Too many people, too many glares, he would tell you. It made your heart break a little more every time. Despite your best efforts, you’d only found one reporter willing to write an article on Loki in a positive light, and they only ran a small, though considerably popular, blog. Everyone else just seemed to think it too much of a risk. All these depressing thoughts brought a frown to your face as you approached the god.

“Darling, is everything alright?” he questioned once you reached him. “Are you feeling ill? Or perhaps it is just this blasted party?”

“The second one, I suppose,” you chuckled. “I’m more worried about you, though. How are you doing?”

It still always took Loki aback for a second when you asked him something like that. He smiled at you and took your hand, running his thumb over your knuckles. It made your heart skip a few beats. Yes, he was your best friend, but you wished he was even more than that. But he needed this friendship, you knew, and you wouldn’t take that from him if the feelings weren’t reciprocated. And let’s face it, it was unfathomable that he did return them. After all, you were just you, and he was a literal god. You pushed the thought out of your mind as he replied.

“Oh, same issue as you, really. You know these parties are not really my speed,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “I must say, however, that they are far more bearable when you are by my side. Dare I say, even enjoyable.”

You giggled a little as that beautiful glint you loved returned to his eyes. “Then perhaps you’ll indulge me and join me for a dance?”

“I suppose I will,” he sighed in mock exasperation. “But only because you asked so nicely.”

Still holding your hand, he led you to the dance floor. Of course, as soon as you made it there, a slow song began to play. Just your luck, you thought, though you weren’t sure if it was good or bad. On the one hand, you were getting to dance with your crush. On the other, it was a painful reminder that was all this was; you weren’t actually dating the beautiful god.

You shyly smiled up at Loki, afraid you were about to make a fool of yourself. Knowing he was far more graceful than you, you let him take the lead. Your right hand stayed clasped in his left, as his other hand guided your left one to his shoulder before settling on your waist. He gently tugged you closer so that your chests were pressed together, your head naturally dropping to rest on his shoulder. It seemed to surprise him that you didn’t mind being so close, but once he got accustomed to the idea, he placed his head atop yours. It was a perfect moment, and you pushed all your anxious thoughts out of the way so you could just enjoy it.

“Thank you, Loki. For dancing with me, I mean,” you said as the music stopped, lifting your head but standing just as close. “That was amazing.”

“Thank you, too, darling. I thoroughly enjoyed myself. I do not suppose you would want to stay and dance again?” he asked, uncertainty obvious in his voice.

Before you could answer, Peter came pushing through the crowd, calling your name over the constant noise. You gave Loki an apologetic look and pulled away to greet the boy as he reached you.

“The foosball table is finally open!” Peter exclaimed. “Mr. Bucky is just finishing his game with Mr. Rogers, and then it’s all ours. Oh, and hi Mr. Loki. Do you want to come too? You can play the winner.”

“That is alright, spiderling. I will skip, but thank you for the generous offer. You two have fun.”

“Ok. If you’re sure,” you said. You squeezed Loki’s hand one more time before leaving. “I’ll see you later, ok?”

He nodded his head and walked in the opposite direction Peter led you. You sighed, assuming that he went back to his corner. Was it bad you already missed being held against him? Probably, but you couldn’t help it. Maybe if you were lucky, he’d still be in the mood to dance again later. Even if it wasn’t another slow dance, maybe he would hold your hand as he spun you round the floor.

After three games of foosball with Peter, two of which you lost, you got a couple Shirley Temples: one for you and one for Loki. Unfortunately, he wasn’t where you expected him to be, and your eyes scoured the room to find him. It was like he had disappeared. Then you spotted the door to the roof and were struck with the gut feeling that you’d find him out there. Still holding the drinks, you pushed the door open with your back. Your eyes immediately landed on Loki, his arms leaning on the railing as he stared off to some unknown point in the distance.

“Hey,” you said, offering him a glass, which he accepted with a smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes. You leaned back against the railing, too. “I was looking for you. What are you doing our here?”

“Just taking a break from the crowd, I guess,” he replied with an unconvincing shrug. “How did your game go?”

“I lost, but it was fun.”

“That is good.”

“Yeah.”

You lapsed into silence, some unspoken issue in the air between you. The last thing you wanted to do was pressure Loki into telling you what was going on, but you could see something was wrong. It upset you that he didn’t trust you enough to let you in, but even more than that, you were upset that he was going through anything in the first place. Instead, you decided to focus on something positive.

“Here’s to another year of friendship,” you said, raising your glass in a toast. “I look forward to it, Loki.”

“Yes. Another year of...friendship,” he echoed, halfheartedly lifting his drink, too, though you could tell he was doing his best to be more enthusiastic.

“Ok, that’s it. Tell me what’s up. You know you can trust me with anything, right?” you asked, laying a hand on his arm.

“Yes. After all, it is like you said; we are friends.” He practically spat the last word, and you involuntarily flinched away from him a little, feeling bad when a look of hurt danced across his features. “I am sorry, darling. I should not have lost my temper. You’ve done nothing wrong.”

“Maybe so, but something’s wrong. I know you didn’t mean it, but I also know that something is bothering you.”

“Oh, darling.” He set your drinks down on a nearby table and cupped your cheeks. “What did I ever do to deserve you?”

“You were just yourself, Loki,” you replied, putting your hands on top of his. “That’s what you did.”

He closed his eyes for a moment, and when he reopened them, his blue-green irises bore deep into your soul. “If I confess something to you now, do you promise to tell no one else?”

“Loki, of course. Your secret’s safe with me.”

His eyes searched yours for another minute before he backed away from you. Your hands dropped to your side as he paced a little. You already missed the contact. He was still obviously on the fence of whether or not he should tell you whatever was on his mind. You nervously rocked back and forth on your heels as you felt his own palpable anxiety in the click click click of his shoes on the floor. Suddenly, he stopped in front of you and stared at you for another moment more.

“I am in love with you,” he blurted out, visibly cringing at his lack of eloquence. He took a deep breath and tried again. “What I mean to say is, well, what I said. I am in love with you. And while I value your friendship more than anything else in this world, I have come to desire more.”

“What?” you gasped in utter disbelief. “Loki. I don’t believe this.”

“It is ok if you do not feel the same,” he said, taking a step back. “Nothing has to change if you do not want it to. But, please, I do not want to lose you completely.”

“No, Loki,” you hurried to fix the misunderstanding. You took a step forward so that the distance he’d put between you was gone. “I don’t believe it because I do feel the same. I just never imagined that you did.”

“You truly do?”

“With all my heart.”

At the same time, you both moved to close the gap between you, kissing each other with a passion too long hidden. As you stood there, two hearts becoming one, you could hear the people inside begin the countdown. You pulled away, eyes shining and lips red.

“I propose a new toast,” you began. “To our new relationship in a new year. To our love.”

“To our love,” he echoed again, much happier this time. “Forever and always.”

“Forever and always.”

As the countdown reached its end, you and Loki kissed again, sealing the promise you’d made. Here with Loki, you knew one thing for sure: This was going to be a good year.

[yeaahishowedupatyourparty]

Zara’s Truth Booth.♥️ You can read this as OOC or an IC interview, I really don’t mind!

GENERAL QUESTIONS 1. Please state your full name: “Zara Belle Calloway.”
2. Does your name(s) have any kind of meaning? If so, what is it?: “I’ve literally never asked and I doubt there’s much thought behind it. By the fourth child, you probably just pick a page in the baby name book and go with it.” 
3. Do you have any nicknames?: “No - I refuse to accept Zar or Z.” 
4. Where were you born? And in which country?: “I was born in South Kensington, London…England.”
5. What is your date of birth?: “13th of December 2001.” 
6. Of course, the following question; what is your Zodiac sign? “Sagittarius.” 
7. Do you believe in Zodiac signs? “I think so? I relate more to my moon sigh, though - a Cancer.”
8. Where do you live? “Lilac Heights…Violet Springs. In the most beautiful house. I love it.”
9. What is your home situation like? (ex. do you live with your family? Your partner etc.?) “I live in my own house, most of the time. Sometimes with Danny, sometimes without - hopefully more with in the future. I do go back to the hotel sometimes too, in London. Not as much.” 
10. Do you have any siblings? “Three older sisters…Yeah.” 
11. Do you have any kind of allergies? “Fish, which is just as well. I don’t like it.” 
12. Do you own any pets? If so, what kind of pets are they? “I have two dogs; Pumpkin and Tank.”
13. Why did you apply to St Jude’s? “To build up my career, I guess.”
14. Did you had to go through a lot audition rounds? “Not really. I already had three sisters here and also a lot of work I’d done myself by the time I got to eighteen. I did one round of auditions which I’m proud of.” 
15. What is the current course you’re following? “Acting and Directing.” 
16. If you can switch courses, which one would you switch to and why? “I wouldn’t, I’m fully dedicated to this career I have now.” 
17. What is your proudest project you’ve done? “Euphoria, easily. I wrote it, I directed every episode, I casted it, I bought it all to life and helped develop the characters. It will always be my baby and I’m so happy with how it was received.” 
18. What is the proudest project that someone’s else has done? “Singular Act I. That’s my baby…Or Little Women, that’s my other baby.”
19. Do you like FanCons? “I love FanCons.”
20. What do you like about FanCons? “Meeting the fans! It never gets old and they’re always so enthusiastic and kind. It reminds me how lucky I am, for sure. There’re some I know by name now and I’m more excited to see them than them me.” 
21. What don’t you like about FanCons? “The competition? Does that make sense. It shouldn’t matter who loves who more…I feel like on the fans part it can get quite aggressive when really they’re all there for the same reason.” 
22. A fan memory that always stuck with you? Can be positive or negative. “I feel like I’ve been put on the spot! I don’t know…” 
23. Your favorite event so far? “I loved the Summer FanCon Tour. That was so amazing.” 
24. What kind of event would you like to see in the future? “More events where we get to be silly - fundraisers and challenges. Sometimes it gets too competitive or serious with the award based ones, or talent based ones.” 
25. Would you recommend St Jude’s to friends, family. etc? “For sure.” PERSONALITY QUESTIONS 26. What are your positive traits? “I hate this question, don’t make me answer that.”
27. What are you negative traits? “I’m probably a little too hot-headed and emotional.”
28. What would other people describe you as? “…I don’t know.”
29. What are your pet peeves? “Being spoken to like an idiot, or like I don’t understand things. I’m not silly or incapable at all.” 
30. What makes you happy? “My friends.”
31. What makes you upset? “Oh, anything! But mainly seeing people down on themselves.”
32. What is something you love? “When somebody is so comfortable with you, that they open up and talk about all of their passions. I love when people are talking about what they love in general.”
33. What is something you dislike? “People who behave like they’ve never made a mistake and don’t let others move on from theirs.”
34. What are you strengths? “Again, I hate answering questions like this…Maybe that I’m good at - eventually - admitting when I’m wrong? Or, a good listener?” 
35. What are you weaknesses? “Anything with chocolate on or in it. I’m a simple person.”
36. A misconception people often think of you? “I know a lot of people think that I’m maybe like, how do I put it nicely? A home-wrecker…or, promiscuous, I guess? I’m not. I’ve had maybe 3 boyfriends in my whole life and I’m 20.” 
37. Do you have any fears? “I’m really scared of being alone - like literally and on a deeper level.”
38. What scares you the most? “Deep open water. Yikes.” 
39. What do you do to entertain yourself? “I don’t - I seek out the closest person to annoy until they entertain me.”
40. What is your MBTI? “I’m an INFJ. Most people are shocked at the I part.” 
41. How do you deal with stress? “Cry. Or eat. Or both.” 
42. Are you a determined person? Are you a stubborn person? “To an extent, I’d say so.”
43. Do you consider yourself selfish? “No…”
44. Would you like to be different? “I guess so…Sometimes I wish I was more likeable because I get the sense people aren’t that fond of me.” 
45. Are you more introverted (focused on your inner world) or more extraverted (focused on other people and the outer world)? “Introverted.” ROMANCE QUESTIONS 46. What is your sexual orientation? “I’m bisexual.”
47. Current relationship status? “Taken…Happily.”
48. When was your first kiss? “It was for a random television series and I was like 14. My first real kiss though was only a year and a bit ago.”
49. Do you remember your first date? If so, with who was it? What did you do? “I don’t remember it. Oops.” 
50. Have you ever experienced heart-break? “Yes. Not necessarily through a break-up.” 
51. Have you ever been in love? (If yes, skip to question 53) “Yes.” 
52. If no, how so? 
53. How do you know when you’re in love? “For me, everything becomes about that person. Even songs that I listened to long before I knew someone, or films I watched way before I knew they existed, I manage to tie everything back to one specific person. And, I’m definitely not a subtle person either - I think if I’m in love with someone, they’ll know before I do if they’re observant.”
54. What would be your ideal date? “I always feel like it’s more a question of who; I’d rather do something really simple like staying at home, cooking and watching a movie with someone I’m really comfortable with and like…Instead of going somewhere really extravagant with somebody I know who’ll make me uncomfortable.” 
55. What is your perspective on marriage? “It’s not the ultimate declaration of love. There are plenty of married people who aren’t in love anymore…And if you look into the roots of it, it’s kind of…messed up? I don’t know. It’s nice but not necessary.” 
56. (only for non-virgins) Are you a sub, dom or switch? “…I feel like I can switch it up. It depends on whatever the person I’m with prefers?”
57. What do you think of relationships? “I’m conflicted because there is so much more to life, but I’m not anti-relationship, obviously. I feel like they’d be better and more enjoyable if there wasn’t such a pressure on people to have been in a relationship before a certain age. If you’ve not found the one at 55, why is that so bad?” 
58. What do you think of one-night stands? “I’ve had them. They’re not for everyone, though.”
59. Are you still a virgin? “No.” 
60. Most attractive trait in a different person? “Patience. Especially if I’m talking about specifically attractive to me - I tend to jump to conclusions and get sad or mad or annoyed really quickly. So, people who bear with me, that’s attractive.”
61. What matters most to you when it comes to a relationship? “Genuine chemistry. As soon as that goes, nothing else really matters. Like, if there’s no chemistry for one person but loyalty is there - it almost feels like a job.” 
62. Are you comfortable with PDA? Or would you be comfortable with PDA? “Yeah.” 
63. Are you more of a type to be asked out or the type to ask the other out? “A bit of both. I think I’m probably bold enough to ask people out but it is nice to be asked.”
64. How do you express love to the other? “Pay attention to what they say, make sure they’re happy, tell them everything…Kiss them, cling on to them…Become painfully annoying until they can’t stand it. It’s a cycle.” 
65. Who is your celebrity crush? “Danny. My boyfriend. I don’t even care that it’s the cliche answer, haha.” GETTING DEEP QUESTIONS 66. Do you regret anything? “…Yes.”
67. Is there something you woule like to re-do? So, start all over again? “Yes.”
68. What is something you would never share with anyone? “For sure…I’m uncomfortable!” 
69. When was the last time you cried? Why did you cry? “…I’m trying to think, maybe a week ago or so? I just felt down and missed somebody.”
70. Most memorable event that happened in your time in St Judes? This could be anything: “That’s really tricky! I’m not sure, to be honest. I wasn’t here when all of the crazy stuff went down, like the cruise ship? I’m really unsure.”
71. One thing you wish you could do all over? “My childhood…but with my 20 year old mind.”
72. Someone you miss? “I’d rather not.” 
73. Something you wish you could forget? “I don’t like these questions.” 
74. Who has the biggest impact on you? “Probably my family - not necessarily in a good way.”
75. What is your perspective on love? Is it beautiful? Does it scare you? “It’s beautiful and being loved is the best feeling in the world, I’d be lying if I said I don’t crave it.” 
76. What has hurt you in the past that you don’t want others to go through? “Losing somebody that is like, your other half. Or actually, losing somebody you really love without much explanation at all. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.”
77. What is something you have gained, something you have lost and something you let go of during the past year? “I’ve gained…more self-esteem, I’ve lost a lot of time I’m not going to get back - I think and I’ve let go of some trust issues, I think.”
78. Have you ever lost a friend? do you wish you would still be friends? “I have. I lost a friend because she dated my ex after claiming they were just friends - I don’t because it hurt and all she had to do was be honest.”
79. Do you have any triggers? What is the history behind these triggers and are they related to any disorders or mental illnesses? “I don’t think that’s appropriate.” 
80. If you could meet your 16 year old self, what would tell them? “That things do pass..They don’t necessarily get better or easier, but they pass and you learn to deal with things in a more productive way. I’d also hug her - tight.” RANDOM QUESTION ROUND 81. Summer or Winter? “Summer’s weather but winter’s overall vibe and celebrations.”
82. Cats or dogs? “Dogs, sorry.” 
83. Beach or mountains? “The beach.” 
84. Phone calls or texting? “Facetime. I’m that friend.” 
85. Have you ever skipped class? “Yes.”

[drabbles-drabbles-everywhere]

The Scars That Have Been Left Behind

Read on A03

Words: 4076

Chapter Two

“So from what I gathered, the Agaki’s are the last stop for troubled children. If this place doesn’t work out then they’re sent to Kamino ward and from what I’ve heard about the place, it’s not pleasant. Anyways, it looks like they have three other charges. A 14 year old boy, Tokui Hiro, a 17 year old girl Rai Makkiko and a 4 year old girl, Okuda Kumi, who was recently adopted, but seems her parents house is currently without water and electricity due to a villain attack so they couldn’t take her in yet. The police are meeting us there, with a few paramedics, just in case any of them is hurt,” Sachiko, Hizashi’s mom, rattled off as they pulled up to the house. There were three cop cars and one ambulance, all with their lights off for now. “Zashi, try to stay calm. I have no idea what we’ll find, but we both know that it’s not going to be anything good,”

“I know, I’ll do my best, but I’m at least going to scare the shit out of him,” Hizashi muttered, climbing out of the car.

“I can deal with that, but no open threats. We have to think about this like we’re going to court. Which we might have to,” Hizashi nodded as they walked to the door, two police officers following close behind them. Hizashi rolled his shoulders before knocking on the door, pushing his emotions down and putting on his Present Mic persona. It took a few minutes, but the door finally swung open, revealing a young girl, Kumi, if Mic remembered correctly.

“Well hello little listener, can you get your caretakers please?” Hizashi smiled, trying no to flinch at the sight of another muzzle wrapped around the incredibly pale face of the girl. She stared wide-eyed for a second, but nodded slightly before heading deeper into the house, little thumps audible on the stairs as she went.

“What do you want?” a voice yelled from deeper in the house. Mic’s smile faltered, turning into a scowl, before being forced back into a smile as louder, heavier thumps could be heard descending the stairs. The footsteps seemed to falter as a short blonde woman came towards them, followed by a taller man, not as tall as Hizashi, with almost fiery red hair followed after her.

“How can we help you?” Mrs. Agaki asked, forcing a bright smile as she stood in front of Mic and Sachiko.

“Good morning, sorry for bothering you so early in the morning, but I’m afraid this couldn’t wait. I’m Yamada Sachiko, this is Present Mic, officer Hosoi, and officer Komatsu. I’ll be taking over for Morimura Maki, I’m now responsible for Shinsou Hitoshi. One of your wards that ended up in the hospital, found by Pro hero Mrs.Joke, who was thankfully in the area Shinsou was stumbling through, half conscious, covered in bruises, cuts and what appeared to be burn marks, along with a broken arm and sprained ankle. A villain attack was unlikely, based on the fact that the kid was alive and walking around. There was no way any villain would let him get away. That paired with the fact that he is malnourished, and severely underweight for his age group, the logical answer was abuse and neglect. Therefore, we’ve come to do a home visit and talk with the other three children in the house. So if you’d kindly call the children down, Present Mic and Officer Komatsu will talk to them while Officer Hosoi and myself talk with you too. Mic, Komatsu, please take a look at the children's rooms as well,” Sachiko flashed the Agaki’s a kind smile as she walked past them into the house. They both stood there, shell shocked, but keeping their faces neutral as they waved the other three inside, closing the door after them.

“Oh, Mic, remember to pack a bag for Shinsou as well. After talking with the others, you and Komatsu will make the decision if they need to be removed as well,” Mic and Komatsu nodded, waiting expectantly to be lead to where the children’s rooms are.

“They’re upstairs, first door on the left,” Mrs. Agaki supplied. Mic nodded, but made no move to leave, instead holding his hand out towards them, palm up.

“We need to take Kumi’s muzzle off,” the pair hesitated, neither moving to hand the key to the man. “Now!” Mic shouted, startling the two at the anger in his voice, a smile still on his face, though it wasn’t the friendly one he wore earlier. Mr, Agaki fumbled in his pocket, hand shaking as he dropped the key in Hizashi’s hand. “Thank you,” Hizashi spun on his heel, walking towards the stairs, taking two at a time till he reached the landing, eyes automatically flicking to the door, where three pairs of eyes stared back at him, all of them wide open, staring at him in awe.

“You’re Present Mic,” the eldest, Makkiko, whispered as if Mic would disappear if she spoke any louder.

“I am indeed,” he flashed them his signature smirk, striking a pose and holding it for a second. “And this is officer Komatsu. We’re here to talk about Mr. and Mrs. Agaki and how well you children are taken care of. Ah, I also need to pack a bag for Shinsou, if you would kindly show me where his stuff is at.”

“He’s not coming back?” the boy, Hiro, asked, his voice hopeful.

“Shinsou won’t be coming back. In fact, from what I heard a nice couple has agreed to take him in,” the smile that spread across Hiro and Makkiko’s face was a little bittersweet for Hizashi.

“Good, he didn’t deserve to be treated like that,” Makkiko growled.

“I agree. No kid deserves to go through what Shinsou went through. Which reminds me,” Hizashi crouched in front of Kumi, his smile softening as he held up the ket, pinched between his fingers. Kumi hesitated, but eventually turned, moving her light blue hair out of the way, while Hizashi unlocked and removed the awful device. “There we go kid,” Kumi turned back around, a bright smile on her face, even though she rubbed at the irritated cuts on her cheeks and around her jaw. Hizashi couldn’t help the flair of anger, gripping the muzzle harder, hearing the thing crack under the pressure.

“THAnk you,” everyone seemed to flinch at the sound, Kumi’s voice shouting at him before dropping, her eyes going wide in fear. Hizashi just continued to smile, not even flinching at the sound.

“Hey, hey don’t even worry little listener. I used to have control issues with my quirk too. It’s normal at your age,” Kumi seemed taken aback by his response, but merely smiled up at him in response. “Now then, I have a few questions to ask you guys before we have a look around. Please answer honestly and to the best of you ability,” all three kids nodded in understanding, moving back to let the adults in, the three kids sitting on one bed, while Hizashi sat across from them on the other bed and Komatsu looked around the room. The bedroom was bare, nothing hanging on the walls, very few toys were spread around the room. It looked like almost nobody lived in the bedroom, as if it was only there for guests. “How do your caregivers treat you?”

“They ignore us for the most part. Only ever talking to us to scold us or to tell us about the chores that need to be done. We mostly stay in our room, we’re not really allowed to be in many parts of the house. Mainly just our room, the kitchen, and the bathroom. Though they have taken our kitchen privileges away before. It’s lasted a week at the most, a couple hours at least,” Makkiko responded, almost like she was rattling off a recipe.

“They take your kitchen privileges? So you have to wait for them to cook then?” Komatsu asked, quietly jotting down notes as the kids talked.

“No. They don’t cook. Well not for us anyway, Makkiko and I are responsible for making breakfast and dinner for everyone. Makkiko’s in charge of making Kumi’s lunch and after school snack. So if one of us has our privileges taken away we don’t get to eat, and if both of us have it taken away, Kumi doesn’t eat either. So we try to make sure at least one of us is allowed in the kitchen. So we take the blame for each other sometimes, depending on who already isn’t allowed in the kitchen,” Hiro replied, shrugging as if it was normal to not be able to eat after getting in trouble. “Though there are times when they just, ground us from eating. Mainly Shinsou or Kumi, but Makkiko and I always sneak them snacks, if we can that is.” Hizashi was getting more and more angry as they talked. How could anyone treat children like that?

“What else happens when you get in trouble?”

“Well, sometimes we’re just grounded, other times we’re locked in our room. If they’re really angry they hit us. Not as bad as they do to Shinsou though. They’ve had it out for him since he got here. If things are really really bad, you get locked in the closet. I’ve only been in there a few times, same with Hiro and Kumi, but Shinsou was put in there a lot. At least twice a week, sometimes more. He’s terrified of small spaces and the dark because of it. He’d be put in there for the littlest things too. Sometimes with no warning,” Makkiko’s voice dropped and she couldn’t help but fidget, pulling on the sleeve of her shirt. “They don’t like his quirk. He can brainwash someone by getting them to answer a question, and because he’s so young he obviously can’t control it, so he used to do it by accident, until they started muzzling him. Then they just seemed like hurt him for fun. ALways calling him a villain, telling him he wouldn’t amount to anything, that there was no way he’d be a hero with such a villainous quirk.”

“Have they ever hurt you like Shinsou?” Hizashi asked, his hands gripping the material of his pants in a white knuckle grip.

“Sometimes. Especially when we lose control of our quirks. We try to take the blame for most of the things Kumi does, but Shinsou and her get the worst of it,” Hiro whispered. “They’ve broken bones before. Kumi just got her cast of a few days ago from a broken arm Mr.Agaki gave her after she broke a window at school from her quirk. He’s given us burns before, with his quirk. Makkiko has passed out from dehydration within the last month.” The boy fell silent, gaze fixed on the ground.

“I’ve heard enough. Kid’s, please pack your bags. We’re going to take you to the hospital to get checked out and then find you somewhere else to stay. Please pack a bag of Shinosu’s stuff too. Meet us downstairs when you’re done. Komatsu, please stay with them and escort them out when they’re done.” Hizashi flashed them a reassuring smile, before turning on his heel, stalking down the stairs. His whole body was shaking as he tried to contain his anger, he walked through the dining room, shaking his hands out as he approached the kitchen, where his mother still stood, talking to the other police officer, the Agaki’s stood near them, an unknown look on their faces as he approached.

“Sachiko, the children are getting their bags packed as we speak. We should get them checked out at the hospital one they’re done. From what I was informed of there may be some burns and other, older wounds that may need to be checked on. Kumi apparently had a broken arm a few weeks ago and I want to make sure the bone was set right and Makkiko passed out from dehydration at some point recently,” Hizashi listed off, paying no mind to the other adults in the room.

“What? You can’t take them! You have no proof!” Mrs.Agaki screeched, eyes flickering to the children as they came down the stairs, Kumi smiling as she was carried down by Komatsu, the young officer making faces at the little girl as they walked down. Kumi giggled, covering her mouth with her little hands, making a face back at the normally stoic officer.

“We didn’t need any Shinsou was enough proof. Did you really think we’d come here without any?” Hizashi, tilted his head back, a sadistic smirk on his face and furry flashing in his green eyes as he looked at the woman. He smirked even wider as she shivered at his look. “Anyways! We should be on our way, Kids, if you’d kindly follow Komatsu and Mrs. Yamada,” ha paused, pointing to his mother. “We’ll be going now. The three of you are welcome to ride with Sachiko and me, if you want, or you can ride with Komatsu. It’s up to you,” Hizashi spoke, smiling brightly at them and ushering everyone out the door.

“Hey! We’re not done!” Mr.Agaki yelled, grabbing Hizashi’s wrist as he passed. Hizashi could feel his skin heat up at his touch, going from slightly warm to burning in a matter of seconds, but Hizashi didn’t even flinch.

“Please, do give me more evidence against you. It’ll make this so much easier,” Hizashi watched the anger be replaced by shock, realization spreading across his face as he let go. “That’s what I thought,” he growled, before stalking out of the house, glad he had on a short sleeve t-shirt, as his usual leather jacket would be rubbing his burn skin raw.

Once outside MIc dropped into the passenger seat of his mother’s car, his whole body vibrating with adrenaline and his arm burning and painful. The skin red, and already blistering. He groaned at the pain, slamming his head into the dashboard to try to distract himself from it. He could go see the paramedics, but he just wanted to get out of there, and they were going to the hospital anyways.

“Stop that,” his mother scolded, sliding into the seat next to him, after helping the kids put their stuff in the trunk and making sure they were buckled in, before they pulled out of the driveway. “Slamming your head into my dashboard won’t help you any. I swear, somethings never change,” She chuckled, reaching over to smooth his hair down. Hizashi sighed, leaning into the touch, calming down at the familiar sensation.

“I swear I’ll never let anybody hurt him again,” Hizashi growled, sitting up and leaning his head against the cool window instead.

“I know hun and no one ever will. Not with you and Sho by his side.”

“You’re taking Shinsou in?” Makkiko asked, surprise lacing her voice as she sat up straighter.

“Ah, thought you’d be asleep. I guess you’ve caught me. Yes, my partner and I are trying to adopt him. Hopefully it will be before he gets released from the hospital,” Hizashi smiled at her through the rearview mirror. The car lapsed into silence, Makkiko obviously wanted to ask something, but seemed to be hesitating, trying to figure out if it was safe to ask it.

“Present MIc?” She started, voice a little shaky as she did. “Do-Do you think we could see Shinosu? We weren’t supposed to talk to each other, but it was easy for us to communicate since he mostly signs and, well I, kinda see him as a little brother,” the last words were muttered. As if she would get in trouble for such a statement.

“Of course you can!” Hizashi beamed at her. “We’ll get you checked out and then you can come see him. Though I’m not sure if he’ll be awake. But I know he’ll appreciate a familiar when he does wake up,” Makkiko smile brightly at him, before turning to look back out the window. It was nearing 6 in the morning, the sun starting to rise and fill the sky with color.

~~~~

‘What happened to your arm?’ Half an hour later found Hizashi trudging back into the room, arm wrapped, but still painful even with the added burn cream. All the kids had been checked out, Kumi’s arm was fine, though her cast had come off to early. Makkiko was still dehydrated, which they were helping with an iv drip, but she was still allowed to walk around, and Hiro was mostly fine, just a few almost infected burns on his back and upper shoulder. But all in all the kids would be fine, Kumi would be picked up by her new parents with in the hour, but for now all three kids followed Hizashi into Shinsou room, where both the boy and Shouta were awake and enjoying their breakfast.

“Mr.Agaki, he reminds me of a certain temperamental pro hero who also has a fire quirk,” Hizashi replied, slumping in the chair next to the bed. “I swear I’ve never hated someone so much.” Hizashi sighed, running his hand through his hair, breaking up the gel that kept it up. “Sho, do you have any of those-” A small squeeze packet landed in his lap, smacking him in the chest before it fell. “Thanks love,” Hizashi muttered, opening the packet and slurping it down within a few minutes.

“Ugh, I can’t believe you eat those awful things too,” Hizashi’s Mimi gagged, snatching the empty packet from him. “I swear your both children,” she muttered, throwing the packet away and tossing a menu to him. “Order an actual breakfast for yourself and the other kids before I tell your mother,” Hizashi groaned, but grabbed the menu from her, selecting what he wanted and letting kids get whatever they wanted, on the order that they got fresh fruit with it.

“I normally don’t Mimi, but god I needed a pick me up.”

‘There’s nothing wrong with them. It’s just like drinking a few cups of coffee,’ Shouta scowled.

“I’m just poking fun darling. But seriously don’t let Sachiko see you with those. She’ll rip you a new one for sure.”

“Jitsuko, are you letting those boys eat those stupid energy jelly packets again?” Sachiko asked, walking into the room, a nurse following behind her with a tray of food.

“You know our boys Sachi, they’ll do whatever they want,” Sachiko hummed in agreement, draping herself over her wifes back. “My dear, I do believe we should go. It’s early and I’m exhausted,” Jitsuko nodded, quickly saying their goodbyes and leaving the other 6 in the room.

“Is Mrs. Yamada your mom?” Kumi asked, making sure her voice was extra quiet, as to not set off her quirk again.

“She is indeed. A wonderful woman who helped me train my voice quirk. Maybe I could help you, if that’s okay with your family of course.” Hizashi smiled at the little girl, who smiled back before shoving a bite of pancake in her mouth, causing Hizashi to snort with amusement.

‘Voice quirk?’ Shouta asked, smiling at the little girl. Hizashi nodded back, pushing his fruit around his plate. ‘Are you going to introduce me? Or are you gonna continue playing with your food?’

“Right! So, that’s Tokui Hiro, Rai Makkiko, and Okuda Kumi. Kids, this is Aizawa. They were also in the care of the Agaki’s. Makkiko wanted to see Shinsou and I didn’t want to leave the others alone.”

‘Well it’s nice to meet them,’

“It’s nice to meet you Mr. Aizawa,” Shouta jumped slightly, he didn’t think any of the kids knew sign, though it made sense now that he thought about it. She smiled, before turning to Shinsou. “I’m glad you’re okay. I was worried,”

‘I didn’t mean to do it. I slipped up and used my quirk on him. It was an accident.’ Shinsou quickly signed, as if she was blaming him. ‘I’m sorry Kiko,’ Shinsou dropped his head. Absently picking at the skin our his muzzle.

“Stop that, you’re going to make it worse. Besides, I’m not mad at you. Just glad you’re okay and being looked after. A little bird told me you’re getting adopted,” Makkiko smiled, at the surprise, but skeptical look on his face. It quickly turned to a frown, sadness filling his eyes.

‘Who told you that? They’re a liar. Who would want me? A mistake, a villain, a waste of-’

“Enough,” the whole group jumped at Shouta’s rough, scratchy voice. “Sorry,” Shouta cleared his throat, taking a drink of his water. ‘Shinsou, you are none of those things. You’re not a mistake, nor a waste of space, and you definitely aren’t a villain,’ Shouta paused, tilting Shinsou’s face so he would meet his eyes. ‘Do you think I’m a villain?’ Shinsou’s eyes went wide as he fiercely shook his head ‘no’. Well, when I was young, everyone told me I would be nothing more than a villain. That I’d never get into the hero course, so I might as well give up and just become a villain. I believed them too ya know. Why wouldn’t I? After all it was my parents who told me that after all,’ Shinsou’s eyes grew even wider as he listened, after all, none of this was known about the underground hero. ‘I wasn’t going to even apply to Yuuei, but then I met a certain loud blonde, who was being picked on for the muzzle he was forced to wear. They were using their quirks on him and it didn’t sit right with me, so I erased them, and they ran off after seeing me. Even back then I was quite intimidating and the fact my eyes turn red with my quirk helped a lot. Naturally, I asked if he was okay and he just nodded at me. Now even if I didn’t like to talk, I hated the silence and I could tell that this loud blonde loved to talk. So naturally, I picked the lock of his muzzle and he immediately started shouting about how cool my quirk was and that I’d make a great hero. I didn’t believe him, not that day at least, but after seeing him time and time again, he wore me down and I tried out with him. I didn’t make it into the hero course though. It isn’t really a fair test though. But I was accepted into the general studies course. But that same blond wouldn’t let me give up. He helped me train, showing me what they were being taught, and eventually I participated in the sports festival, and came in first, even beating that loud blond. Who didn’t care in the slightest. Afterwards I was transferred to the hero course. Where I made my dreams come true, made a few new friends, and became closer with the love of my life. A crazy, loud blond, who honestly looks like a cockatiel sometimes,’ Shouta snorted at the afronted look on his husbands face.

“I do not look like a cockatiel!” Hizashi squacked, scowling as Shouta laughed.

‘I beg to differ, even Nemuri agrees. Tensi does too, hell even little Tenya does and he’s five!’

“Seriously?!” Hizashi shouted. Shouta just snorted another laugh at him, turning back to Shinsou.

‘You can be whatever you want kid, and we’re going to help you. Makkiko wasn’t lying. We already submitted the paperwork. We’re adopting you kid. If you want that, we won’t force you into anything,’

‘YES!’ Shinsou signed excitedly, but immediately shrunk into himself after. ‘I mean, if you want to and if it’s not a huge bother,’ Shinsou’s hands were slow as he signed, as if they were going to take their offer off the table if he moved to quickly.

“We wouldn’t offer if we weren’t being serious. You agreed, now you’re stuck with us kid,” Hizashi joked, smiling softly at him. “We’ll help you achieve anything and everything you put your heart into and no one will ever, hurt you again. Not on our watch.”

‘Yeah kid, the cockatiel is right. You’re stuck with us and we’ll do whatever it takes to achieve your dreams. No matter what,’ Shouta smiled at him, Shinso offering a small hopeful look, as much as he could behind that godforsaken muzzle.

[swedeandsour]

Jonna Lee on Demystifying the Aura of Her Viral Fame; Finding Her Voice and Her Die-Hard Fanbase

In her videos Jonna Lee (ionnalee/iamamiwhoami), carries an imposing presence. Her talons drawn over the bloodied shriek of her piercing falsettos, Lee certainly echoes the sentiment of a mythical being where cryptic words of love and hope beckon wondrous melodies through striking iconoclasm. In reality, what we see with Jonna Lee the performer is quite different. Though her intensity apparent in the palpitations of her rave-driven melodies; analogous to what someone might see in the industrial nightlife of Central and Eastern Europe, ionnalee's stage presence carries a certain tenderness to it. A tireless worker for her often die-hard audiences, Lee's performances are vibrant and energetic. There in her live show, vigorous dance routines sandwich between the illuminating wings of "Chasing Lights" and we even see a Russian floating-step that sees her levitate off the ground on during her performance of "y". With her vocals honeyed and mellow despite their resonant carry, the smoke and mirrors of Lee's live element showcase Jonna in a different light. It’s a real joy of performance that we see with Jonna, one that shines a light on her oh-so-human vulnerability that we often forget when she’s draped in faux-fur and suited-up in character.

Speaking to Jonna before her show in Toronto in her co-headlining show with TR/ST, we tried to demystify the mythology behind Lee’s eccentric presence. Kind and soft-spoken, the fearless performer seemed somewhat reserved and humbled by the whole concept of even stepping out on a world tour. There speaking about influences and finding her artistic voice and without dredging into drawn-out cliché, Jonna made sure to highlight one very important aspect. Throughout the viral madness of her initial few videos and now a world tour, none of it would have been possible without the undying support of her fans.  

Words + Photo: Peter Quincy Ng

Part of the interview has been edited for clarity

We’ve been slowly demystifying Jonna Lee. What’s it like being on tour so far and meeting your fans through your newly found infamy?

First of all, it’s amazing to fathom all of that; very surreal. It is kind of like you are in a little bubble working alone a lot, or with me and (producer) Claes (Björklund). We don’t have much connection with the music industry or just networks, so coming out seeing this many people and listening; seeing their response, it’s quite new to me. At this (crowd) size especially, it’s overwhelming but positive stuff obviously. It just takes a while just to process everything.

Tell me about your beginnings form Jonna Lee to iamamiwhoami to ionnalee again, and on how you found your artistic voice. You transitioned from largely acoustic singer-songwriter prose with sweet and mellow melodies to a more aggressively electronic and experimental style - striking and shrill.

I didn’t know I had in me, but in the beginning Claes believed in me a lot. In the beginning I tried to find my voice and sound more like this person or that person. I’ve been trying to sound British at first, because I had spent so much time in London in my earlier teens. At first I had also been afraid to do things out of the box as we recorded; because me and Claes, it’s the same team you know? We both kind of made our transition.

I remember at first, I was like, “No we need to strip back, no compressors”. I just wanted everything to be super natural and organic, and then when everything came out I was really dissatisfied and felt like I was invisible. We started playing around started to scrap everything. I mean we couldn’t because it was already out, but you know mentally start over. Then we did you know? No rules, let’s just do this.

Now I find we’re back again at it and I needed to connected to my personal point of view, because I’ve grown a lot musically as well. I’m also a better producer than I was ten years ago, so I wanted to see where I was ten years after this project. I don’t know if I am going continue as iam(amiwhoami) right now, but we’ll see. It’s a scary thing as well.

When you first started iamamiwhoami, there was a lot of mystery behind your origins and the mythologies of your persona. Were you worried about how you would be perceived or did you think you have convinced people you were Lady Gaga?

Uh no (laughs), I was not but I was hoping to maintain my anonymity because we were a group. I figured if they figured out our identity, then they’d judge the book and my previous work and everything. At the point of exposure (of my identity) though, we were all really disappointed but then again we never really tried to hide anything. We just took advantage that no one in Sweden really cared about iam(amiwhoami), so we were able to continue for quite a long time. When the whole thing happened though, it was just kind of surreal, you know (being mistaken for) Christina Aguilera, you can really plan that stuff ahead (laughs). I don’t think that sort of viral is happening anymore because everything has changed so much.

iamamiwhoami acquired viral fame, and one of the jokes on YouTube is that 90% of your views amounted from someone typing in one of the letters from b-o-u-n-t-y and the other 10% of fans are of the “COME TO BRAZIL!” trope. Was the concept of viral fame difficult to digest at first? Was there any pressure to keep the viral craze running?

Oh, it can’t be like that, I don’t think you can really do that, that whole thing with typing “y”, that’s just the internet doing its thing. Obviously, the other views are because it’s a great song and video. When that happens, you can’t (do anything to) affect it. You can try to force-feed it by doing the same thing repeatedly but if you look at the fifty-two something videos and continue to do quality things, then they those views will continue to be there. You see that in the shows, with a lot of those fans that have been there for ten years and that is so precious. The media coverage, that’s not connected to the actual work though. That’s connected to something else. It’s about what’s popular at the moment and I can’t compete with that and it has nothing to do with me.

In the age of instant celebrity, you managed to secure infamy without anyone really knowing who you were. For you is that an optimistic feeling?

That’s something that I’m proud of, but perhaps too proud of maybe. It’s rare that something is as pure as something like that, so I’m really happy that happened. Obviously I pointed a lot of people in a direction where if they weren’t interested they wouldn’t follow it, like with the whole identity when it wasn’t this supposed person or whatever, but it’s something that allowed me to tour all over the world.

You’ve recently assumed the persona ionnalee, a stylized spelling of your name. In a way, it has been hard to detach your previous effort iamamiwhoami from your current persona. How are the two similar yet different, and is that something you strive to change?

Mainly iam(amiwhoami) was about us (referring to Claes) internally, but it didn’t appear like it from the outside because I’m the frontperson and I created the project. It was always me and Claes. Claes is the main producer, I am the co-producer, we write all the music together and I write the lyrics and the melodies as well.

But for ionnalee, in iam(amiwhoami), I’ve never written from the point of “I”, from my perspective, my life and what concerns me. Also I produce everything myself but with some collaborations with Claes. He’s always like, “let’s do this!” playing some instruments. We love working together, we share a studio together. We have also had some of the same people working like (videographer) John Strandh and a few other ones were involved with iam(amiwhoami). So (the difference) it feels more like a project, not a person.

Both your projects have a very substantial audiovisual component to them and actually all you’re your singles follow up with a video. That’s quite a daunting task to say the least as music videos are huge commitments in time and in financial resources. How do you keep things fresh without blowing the budget?

Like financially, it’s always a bit of a struggle with how much time we can put in and with what gear we can produce with. We don’t have the funds to rent a lot of expensive stuff, so we relied a lot on what we could afford with our friends and stuff who want to help us create. For example, my brother Viktor (Kumlin) has always been John’s gaffer and cinematographer, even though he’s now a cinematographer himself. That’s one thing, but keeping the quality we will always make something because we feel like we have something to say and that’s easy then. You have the vision, you have the script, you have the song and everything’s together. If I would have continued making a video for every song like with iamamiwhoami that would be something that in the end would be something that wears out. I’m doing things differently now, to be more concentrated because I don’t want to being doing something just for the sake of format, like where I have to make a video.

Going back to the visual aspect, there is definitely the mythology; the mystique of “bounty” and “kin” but what really seems to be the underlying motif is the connection between the human connection to nature and the cosmos. Can you tell us how that inspires you, your imagery and music?

There are two sides to that; there’s creation in what we have done and the normative and traditional ways of doing things, then there’s creation, nature and how we connect to folklore. It’s what I grew up with and what my collaborators also did, so I guess it goes back to a question of visual aspect and it’s aesthetic. It’s a really hard question to answer.

Music is always a collaborative effor especially in the world of Jonna Lee, but what is most surprising is your connection to your fanbase. From the audiovisual aspect of in concert to your live shows, tell us how that has been? I suppose it has to be humbling but at the same time intimidating knowing that you have to deliver essentially for what they have paid for.

They are 50% of everything; they shaped the way the world tour acted. I didn’t think I would have toured (otherwise) because it would have been a hopeless thing. They’re communicating, live-chatting everything, I mean it’s sort of cliché but for ten years that’s really been the core of it all, otherwise it wouldn’t have been as interesting to create. They want to want to be part of it, that’s how I see it.

I know there have been many so-to-speak deeper questions being asked, but being the riddle and enigma you are, there is also an element to absurdity to all of this. Do you ever laugh at the all the toilet paper, cardboard boxes, glasses of milk, aluminum foil, morphsuits and fake fur you’ve used?

I mean that’s part of it; doing it in a different way. I mean I am laughing it all the time, like (the video) for “Some Body” that just came out today, editing it with all the common themes. It’s important to have that self-distance with yourself so that you don’t go in and become too self-absorbed. So humor is a good tool, because it also speaks to people and it’s nice and it makes you feel good and it’s not just (speaking mockingly) fashion! You know, it needs to have its human side.

You can check out ionnalee’s latest video for “Some Body” below:

[seasidemum1]

Finding out I was expecting!

Was it planned? Was it an accident?

Well it was planned but it wasn’t but that probably doesn’t make sense. Let me explain...

Me and Brad have been together for 6 years, engaged and have lived together for a few years. We have always spoke about having a family together. We then seriously started to think about it and decided to start trying after about 3 months we both spoke again and said shall we wait until after the wedding as we had already started booking things and it was getting closer and we both agreed! There was also other things that we wanted to do like go back to Australia to visit family. It then came round to the 4th month and my period was delayed ! I knew instantly because my periods have always been like clockwork and I knew exactly when I would come on. So .... no period! At this moment I was a little scared, I remember telling Brad I haven’t come on and that I needed to get a test. Silly me, I was even nervous to go and get a test because the town I live in, everyone knows everyone and I thought knowing me I would be served by someone who knows me or Brad and soon the whole town is talking about it 🙈😂. Anyway, I plucked up the courage and went down to the pharmacy and bought a test it was one of the clear blue digital ones because I wanted to know for definite and how many weeks! When I got home I went straight upstairs and took the test! I remember reading the instructions in the box thinking I need to do this properly it said wee and then leave it laying flat on the side, 😂! So I patiently waited which felt like a good 5 minutes..... and there it was PREGNANT 2-3 weeks 😲😲😲. I shouted Brad and said I am he said what? I nervously said pregnant it honestly felt so strange saying I was pregnant! We were both really shocked and neither of us could believe it was really happening! The thoughts and emotions were running high, mainly what were people going to say? I knew I needed to tell my mum and I wasn’t sure what she was going to say. I had just started my own business how was I going to run that? How would everyone react? I’ll be honest I was really scared and couldn’t help but think have we done the right thing? Was we really ready for this? I will say I always thought when I found out I was pregnant I was going to be so happy and it be the best thing in the world. Obviously deep down I was happy but the initial shock took over and I was scared. I look back now and realise that no one is ever fully ready and my feelings were completely normal, but I did feel guilty for the way I was feeling because I was comparing myself to others and the way they reacted. We must remember that everyone is different and that’s ok! 😊

I’m really rubbish at keeping things in and 12 weeks to keep a secret was way too long for me! The first person I needed to tell was my mum.. for those of you that know my mum will understand the reaction we got is completely normal. For those of you that don’t .... my mum doesn’t show her emotions and is very much a traditionalist. I knew I would get ‘Kelly I thought you were going to get married first?’ So here goes, I pick my phone up, dial her number and as I wait for her to answer I was tearing up! She answered and I told her I had something to tell her. Deep down she knew the news I was about to share, so I said ‘I’m pregnant’ her reaction was just as it played out in my head and I remember mum saying ‘oh gosh really? Are you happy about it?’ Mums reaction was so predictable but I wouldn’t have changed it that is just mum! I told her I was scared but we are happy! Mum asked the question ‘what about the wedding?’ I explained we would still get married but it would be smaller than I originally thought we would have. I’m really close to my dad he’s like my best friend and I share everything with him so I knew that he was the next person that I needed to tell. Ideally I wanted to wait but with my parents living in Norfolk and my dad usually working away it wasn’t ideal. A phone call would have to do. So I called him again I felt nervous, dad answered like he always does, ‘hello lovely you ok?’ I said yeah fine thank you, I have something to tell you. He asked what’s that? So I told him I’m pregnant, there was a few moments of silence, then he was like no way, bloody hell, are you really? I honestly think he was speechless and didn’t know how to react - his first grandchild was on its way!! 🥰

Once I told my parents we then went on to telling Brads they only live round the corner from us. As expected they were also very shocked and speechless but really happy for us both! At this point everyone was just speechless and super shocked!! We went back to Norfolk the following weekend and saw my brothers and their girlfriends, one of which had her suspicions that I could be so when she asked I couldn’t lie, I think she was probably one of the only people that wasn’t speechless but she was over the moon for us! So then I told my other brothers girlfriend and I honestly wish now I had videoed her reaction! To say she was speechless would be an understatement she couldn’t stop crying - happy tears of course!! I knew I had to tell my brothers. They are a bit like mum so don’t show their emotions, and the oldest one made the same comment ‘I thought you were getting married next year? (Sensible Simon he is) 😂’ They were all really happy for us. We then decided that we couldn’t wait till 12 weeks to tell our close friends they were next, again there was more tears and a lot of excitement! I will say that I did feel a lot of pressure on who to tell first because we both hate upsetting people and obviously didn’t want to do that - I will say though don’t do what others want you to do, it’s your special moment and your news to share so unfortunately you won’t be able to please everyone.. don’t feel guilty 💕

Once the news was out in the open with our family and close friends we booked our first appointment which I didn’t realise at the time but you don’t need to see a doctor you can just book straight in with a midwife.

It did take ages for everything to sink in and I didn’t actually feel like I was pregnant until our 12 week scan. I did feel like I had a fairly straight forward pregnancy, I had a bit of morning sickness which at the time I thought was awful but believe me it’s easy compared to what you have to come!! People told me to eat ginger biscuits but this personally didn’t work for me. I found that just snacking throughout the day was the best thing! It was worse in the evenings for me which resulted in me going to bed early just to block it all out!

By the time our first midwife appointment came through I was really excited! Brad on the other hand looked like he may need some nurse assistance in the waiting room - I thought he was going to faint! 😂Brad kept asking what’s this appointment about then? I had no idea it was all new to us both. They called my name and we went through to a little room with our midwife who we were lucky to have throughout our pregnancy - she was amazing we couldn’t have wished for anyone better! She was even keen for Ralph to be born on Christmas Day as she was on shift. The first appointment was all a blur to be honest, they did a lot of tests, asked a lot of questions. We got the choice of hospital which were Norwich, Ipswich or Gorleston. We didn’t need to think about it - our baby would be born at Gorleston. Brad is a Ipswich supporter so there’s no way he would have picked Norwich and I personally don’t like Ipswich. We had also been given positive feedback from friends who had their babies at Gorleston. Our midwife sent off for our first scan - things really were starting to feel real! We received our letter within about a week so didn’t have long to be impatient.

The build up to the scan was really difficult to keep a secret, I kept thinking about how we would reveal it to the world. We knew that we wanted to involve Darcie our bulldog! So after searching ‘baby reveal with dog’ on pintrest a thousand times I then started searching for baby shower ideas, nursery ideas, baby clothes, when does the baby move, what should a women at 12 weeks look like - I know everyone looks different I was just intrigued. I become a little obsessed with Pinterest and searching the internet but I was just so excited!

We had our letter for our 12 week scan come through! Secretly we were hoping it would be sooner as we had a family wedding so I couldn’t drink. Not that this was a problem I’ve never been a massive drinker so I didn’t mind. The morning of the wedding was probably the start of my stress, my outfit was being delivered at 1pm, the wedding was at 2pm but for those of you that know me this is pretty standard - I do love a last minute outfit change! I had 3 outfits all on and off because I didn’t want to look pregnant or fat or people asking questions. The winning outfit was a loose fitted jumpsuit and you couldn’t tell which made me think people wouldn’t notice that I’m not drinking but there was a few questions like ‘why isn’t Kelly drinking?’ Luckily I had a good cover up with the typical ‘I’m driving’ which isn’t out of the ordinary so no one else really mentioned anything, also the limelight was on my cousin and his new wife the whole day was beautiful so looking back now I’m not sure why I worried but that’s just me!

To be Continued....

I didn’t expect this to be so long but I have a lot to share! ..... Next part of my journey “12 week scan, private scan and 20 week scan”

Love

Kelly & Ralph 🐢 xxx

[artificialqueens]

Something Near Perfect - Part Twelve (Shalaska) - Lost Imp

Hi again! I’m so sorry this part took so long to update. I got was quite sick over the holidays, so I didn’t get to do much writing. I promise I’ll try and update the next part sooner. As always, any feedback is very welcome, so don’t hesitate to message me. Thanks for reading!   - Lost Imp

Alaska and Sharon spent the rest of the week at home, talking and crying, eating and force-feeding, sleeping and laughing. They were exhausted, both mentally and emotionally, from working on their mental states, and in Alaska’s case, her physical health too. Sharon had planned meals and light walks, attempting to maintain a slightly withdrawn approach to helping her girlfriend so that she didn’t find her too overbearing. Alaska put every fibre of her being into following the guidelines her girlfriend had set with her, if not for her own sake then for Sharon’s, determined to not put her through another suicide attempt.

The only rule she had difficulty with was constantly keeping Sharon up to date with her thoughts and feelings. She divulged enough information to satisfy Sharon, though she had yet to admit to the overwhelming guilt she still felt towards her girlfriend and her friends. Something inside of her withheld her from confiding in Sharon, possibly to protect her girlfriend or more than likely, to protect herself.

They had also decided between them that they would complete the school year themselves at home, given that they were due to graduate in a few weeks. Alaska could work from home to complete her near perfect set of grades, while Sharon would keep up with enough work to pass with good enough results. This in turn took a considerable weight from both of their shoulders, and allowed them to rid their minds of unwanted beings.

Sharon was sitting on the kitchen floor working on an art piece she had spread into multiple sheets across the floorboards when Alaska came out from their bedroom early Monday morning.

“What are you doing up so early?” Alaska asked.

“What are you doing awake before ten am?” Sharon retorted.

“I’m going to school.” Alaska said, folding her arms across her chest like a stubborn child.

“You’re doing what?”

“I’m going to school.”

“Why? We called them, we can finish at home. I thought… I… We said…” Sharon said, struggling to understand what was going through her girlfriend’s head.

“I’m going to school. Can I have a ride please?” Alaska repeated, walking into the kitchen and grabbing a banana and chopping it up into a bowl of yogurt.

“Lasky, doll, you gotta catch me up here. What’s going on?” Sharon said, standing up.

“Well Shar, it’s like this. I’ve been scared my whole life. Scared of upsetting people, scared of not being good enough, scared of people not liking me. So I’ve decided I’m done. I’m not being scared anymore. I’m going to go to my last three weeks of highschool, graduate, and then I’m going to get a job. And then of course I’ll marry you. And no one is going to stop me.” Alaska announced, finishing a spoon of her breakfast with a pop.

“You’re sure this is what you want?” Sharon asked sceptically.

“Positive. So can I get a ride?” Alaska asked, batting her eyelids, “We need to be there in thirty minutes”

“Of course you can doll, but one more thing?”

“Mmm?”

“As much as I find the look of you in nothing but underwear and a half open flannel shirt very hot, I don’t really think they’ll let you into class.” Sharon winked, walking into their bedroom to get dressed.

Alaska looked down at her outfit and rolled her eyes. Finishing the last bite of her banana, she breathed deeply, pushing down the burning pit of worry in her stomach that despite her heroic speech, was still there, and followed her girlfriend into their bedroom to at least add a pair of jeans to her outfit.

When they pulled up in front of the school, all of the courage drained from Alaska’s mind and noticeably, from her paling face.

“Doll, we can go home.” Sharon said, worried that school might be too much pressure to put on her girlfriend for the time being.

“No.” Alaska said firmly, fighting every instinct that was screaming at her to go home to the safety of her bedroom. She breathed deeply, turning and reaching for her girlfriend’s hand.

Sharon smiled, and pulled Alaska into a quick kiss, wrapping her arm around her girlfriend’s waist, and walking up the steps to their first classes.

Alaska’s breathing quickened as she approached the door of her maths class. Neither Sharon, Courtney nor Willam were in any of her classes until after lunch, which meant she would have to be alone for hours on end for the first time in over a week after heavily relying on her girlfriend’s constant presence.

“I can do it.” she whispered, mainly to herself, but to assure her girlfriend at the same time. The corners of Sharon’s mouth turned up into a smile.

“I love you. I’m here, just text me if you need me” Sharon said, kissing her girlfriend’s lips softly once more.

“Meet me at lunch?”

“I’ll be at the bleachers”

“Ok”

Alaska made one final attempt to slow her shaky breathing before pushing open the door of her classroom, leaving her girlfriend behind for the next few classes.

There was one challenge Alaska had yet to tackle. Willam and Courtney. Obviously, they both knew that something was wrong with their best friend, although she had managed to keep them at bay until Friday afternoon with a cocktail of lies and excuses. However, she had received a somewhat threatening text from Willam that morning, along the lines of killing her if she couldn’t take Courtney to see her after school as she was worried sick. Naturally, Alaska obliged, hating the fact that she had upset Willam and worried Courtney. She speculated however, that soon enough they would discover that not only was Sharon in school, but that she was there with her. Her bestfriends knew her better than to think that Sharon would be in school without Alaska by her side.

So Alaska spent every class not paying any attention to her teachers, but instead running through a variety of ways in which she could phrase what had happened to her to Willam and Courtney that would downsize the whole event. Unfortunately for her, “I tried to kill myself”, isn’t a particularly easy phrase to sugar-coat. This didn’t help the fact that she was a ball of anxiety and stress just being back in the school building or the horrible sickening feeling she felt deep in her stomach that accompanied her worry. She fought every desire she had that morning to text Sharon to take her home, even if it meant taking multiple bathroom breaks to calm herself down. Alaska forced herself to fight her own dark thoughts, adamant that she would at least try to take back some control over her own life.

Finally, the bell rang for lunch, waking Alaska from her thoughts as she hurriedly threw her books into her bag, running to meet Sharon by the bleachers. She silently prayed to some unknown god that she wouldn’t run into her two best friends or any cheerleaders for that matter.

Thankfully, she made it outside quickly enough that she didn’t run into anyone she knew well, and Raja didn’t appear to have found out that Sharon was back in school either, so they could eat alone.

Sharon stubbed her cigarette out on the ground as she saw her girlfriend approaching and Alaska practically threw herself into her arms, in a mixture of relief and a deep need for comfort. Sharon stroking her blonde hair and kissed the side of her neck softly.

“You did it, doll”

“Not really. I left three classes to go to the bathroom. Plus I don’t think I heard a word of what any teacher or anyone else for that matter, said today.”

“But you got out of bed. And you got dressed, though I really did like the original outfit, and you ate breakfast. And you went to school, and classes. And I.. am.. really.. fucking.. proud.. of.. you..” Sharon said, punctuating her words with kisses pressed onto her girlfriend’s neck and jaw.

Alaska smiled, and practically melted into her touch, humming gently. Somehow, no matter where they were, Sharon always managed to make her feel safe.

About half way through their lunch together, they were interrupted by shouting from the opposite side of the football field.

“Alaska? Alaska, you’re here!” Courtney called anxiously from across the field, breaking into a run.

Alaska froze. She had no excuses prepared. She didn’t know what she was going to say to her. Fuck it, she thought, pull yourself together and just tell them. It’s your own fault.

She pulled herself from Sharon’s arms and turned towards her best friend.

“Oh my god Lasky, you’re ok. You look ok.” Courtney exclaimed, throwing her arms around the taller girl’s shoulders.

“I’m ok” Alaska whispered into her perfectly curled hair.

Willam strolled up behind her, leaning against the wall beside Sharon. Noticing her best friends usually energetic demeanor becoming very subdued, Alaska walked over to Willam, sliding down against the wall to sit with her knees pulled to her chest. Courtney followed and sat down beside Alaska, holding her hand tightly.

Alaska felt trapped and frightened.

“Lasky, what happened?” Willam asked seriously.

Courtney slowly rubbed circles on her friend’s hand for a minute, then whispered, “We just want to help you Lasky. To make sure you’re ok.” she paused momentarily, “Are you ok?” she asked, looking up at Alaska’s eyes.

Alaska breathed in heavily, seemingly contemplating whether she would have a civilized, adult conversation, or run away and hide until her girlfriend came to protect her.

Say it Alaska. Just tell them. Stop lying, stop hiding. For once in your pathetic life, do something brave. They’re asking for the truth, tell them.

“I tried to kill myself”, she exhaled slowly.

Tears silently began to roll down Courtney’s cheeks as her shoulders slumped forward, pulling Alaska hand into her chest, clinging to it for dear life.

Willam shook her head repeatedly, before speaking up, “No. Not you, Alaska. Of all people, not you Alaska. Not you. No” she announced firmly.

“I am so, so sorry” Alaska said, looking up at her two friends, “I never meant to hurt you”

“Alaska, baby, don’t apologize. None of this is your fault. None of it. I’m just so glad your alive.” Courtney said through her tears.

“Sharon told me about what you did for me Bill” Alaska said, reaching out for Willam’s hand to squeeze it, “thank you”. Willam slid down to join the other two blondes on the ground.

“But what happened Alaska. If we scared them as badly as I know we did, what happened?” she responded, perplexed.

“That afternoon, after I left with Sharon, I went… back in to get my purse. I found the note. And some rope, and a shower.” She put bluntly.

“That fucking note” Willam muttered angrily.

Courtney simply listened, intertwining the story Willam had told her from last week with Alaska’s.

“I’m really sorry I worried you. And I’m sorry I hurt you, and that I’m so difficult and…”

“Stop.”

All three girls turned and looked up at Sharon, who blew smoke from yet another cigarette from her mouth.

“Please don’t apologize Lasky, you don’t need to.” Sharon said firmly.

“I agree” Willam said.

“Me too” Courtney seconded, squeezing her best friend’s hand once again.

“Ok” Alaska whispered.

“How are you really though, now?” Willam asked.

“Not good. But I’m working on it” Alaska answered.

“We’re proud of you, Lasky, and anything you need, we’re here.” Courtney said.

“Thank you”

Sharon expertly manged to steer the conversation back to light-hearted and mundane topics, sensing how uncomfortable Alaska was. Willam did the same, understanding how upset Courtney was because of how little she talked for the rest of their lunch break. Both Courtney and Alaska stayed relatively quiet, still squished up beside each other with their hands locked together while their girlfriends chatted easily. It was a comfortable silence caused by the overwhelming and indescribable emotions they both felt towards one another. They knew each other well enough to understand that when they had processed things a little more themselves, that they would be able to have a proper discussion in a day or two.

All three cheerleaders hugged each other in turn when the bell rang for the end of lunch, and Alaska watched as her friends headed to class arm in arm. Turning to look at Sharon with glassy eyes, she whispered, “I want to go home.”

Sharon nodded wordlessly, taking her girlfriends hand in her own, leading her out back to her motorcycle. She didn’t need an explanation to understand that Alaska needed the comfort of their cosy apartment.

Courtney had stayed silent the entire car journey back to Willam’s after school. Her girlfriend didn’t attempt to interrupt her thoughts until they were upstairs sitting on her bed. Courtney curled up in a small, tight ball and put her head between her knees as her shoulders began to wrack with sobs.

“Oh babe.” Willam sighed, pulling her girlfriend into her lap.

“She… she … wanted… to die. Why… didn’t I… see it?” she cried brokenly.

“Oh Court, you couldn’t have known. You can’t blame yourself. You blaming yourself is like Alaska blaming herself, and you would never let her do that, would you?”

“That’s… that’s different”

“No Courtney, it’s not babe. And blaming yourself isn’t going to help you or Alaska.” Willam said, running her hands up and down her girlfriends back.

“And anyway, if there’s a person to blame, it’s me. I was there for all that bullshit about the note. If I had been smart enough to just take the fucking note from her locker, Alaska would have been fine”

“Bill, no. What you did that day was incredible. You did something that could have gotten you expelled, or even in trouble with the police, without even thinking about the personal consequences it could have had. You… you are incredible. And I think.. I think that Alaska didn’t just try and take her own life because of that note, Bill. I think she’s really ill. There had to be more to it than an awful note. Suicide isn’t a spur of the moment decision. That note might have been the final trigger, but it wasn’t the original catalyst for Alaska’s mind being so embedded in darkness and depression that she tried to kill herself” Courtney said sincerely, staring into her girlfriends eyes, “so maybe neither of us can take the blame, ok?”

“Maybe not.” Willam accepted.

Courtney curled back into a ball, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend and resting her head on her shoulder.

“I love you” Willam said, after a few minutes, smiling softly to herself

“You… you what?” Courtney asked, taken aback, lifting her head to look at her girlfriend.

“I love you. Plain and simple, Court. You’re so incredibly loving. And smart, and kind and you’re so pretty. And I love you”

“I.. I love you too.” Courtney replied, kissing her girlfriend gently, but filled with so much passion that Willam was certain that Courtney meant what she said.

[bartsugsy]

Oh Lo. Please teach me your ways. I mean I'm not even overly negative about everything, but how can you always be so excited./see the positives with each new spoiler/quote? I wish I could lol. Cos seriously, IM's definition of 'fun' and mine appear to be vastly different. This mainly boring scheming Robert plpt continues into next year? We're not getting a reunion til 2018 are we? Lord, they really want to test our patience don't they? Have we not paid are dues yet? haha! Who's exit you think?

do you know what anon, it’s weird, but i was actually thinking about what i would say to someone earlier today, if they asked me how i tend to stay positive???? it’s like our brains just know sometimes lmao - but that’s why you’re about to get a weirdly deep answer instead of what i usually say here

and honestly, i was thinking about this because i was thinking about life in general and how much i believe in the power of positive thinking? and how incredibly well it works? in fandom terms particularly, it’s a life saviour - in life it’s can be a lot more of a struggle to remind yourself but yk we’re not getting that deep we’re just talking about a soap

i get that it sounds like bullshit, but it works for me literally every single time. i’ve found that complaining about things is literally giving voice to negative thoughts and giving voice to negative thoughts is giving power so that they can breed more negative thoughts and before you know it, you’re sinking down this weird self-made hole of sadness - and not only that, but it spreads to other people, because humans are like feelings sponges and we feed off other people’s emotions a lot - it’s hard to be the lone person feeling one way in a room of people feeling the other. it’s like subconscious peer pressure.

but then the opposite - looking at the positives, being as steadfast and determined and strict with yourselves to look at the good sides of everything, is fucking life changing. there are like one thousand and one ted talks on this - like, you wouldn’t believe how many damn ted talks there are. anyway, because i was in this weird mood this morning and reflecting on it, i watched one that used a quote from wayne dyer - “If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.”

THIS IS SO EMBARRASINGLY DEEP FOR WHAT IS ESSENTIALLY A CONVERSATION ABOUT FLIPPIN EMMERDALE SPOILERS BUT IT’S TRUE OK 

it’s true. if i look at spoilers andlook for the positives and literally refuse to give voice to the negative, pullmyself back to the positives whenever i do, and beyond that encourage thatpositivity in others through humour or happy thoughts so that maybe it spreads - and if i do it enough times that it becomes natural to me, a natural response to anything and everything, then… well… everything gets a hell of a lot more fun and enjoyable and those things that maybe i once thought were negative and worrying somehow turn into positives. and that’s not me desperately trying to tell myself something is good - it just genuinely does become something that inspires good feelings in me, happiness and excitement and whatever. i can’t really explain how well it works - you have to experience it. but like now? now i literally fucking love that rob and rebecca had a one night stand lmao. like. i love that god damn story beat so much. it’s just about changing the way you look at things - so when i used to look at that scene, all i ever saw was jfc why i don’t actually want this - but after really and honestly thinking about it in every way, by about acknowledging that i can’t change it and then looking at it from every angle, i look at that scene now and i see the show committing to showing just how affect robert is about everything, and also playing out a soap trope in what is literally the most shippy way possible. i see a scene that is, perversely, entirely about robert’s love for aaron and also a scene that gives me a great look at who robert is as a character and the way he reacts in situations. 

it sounds ridiculous? like, it really god damn does, but like… actually, why does it matter if it sounds ridiculous if i’m having fun and hopefully making other people smile occasionally lmao

also, beyond this, i’m also all about accepting the things i cannot change - and the writing of emmerdale? that’s a thing i cannot change. so why fight it? why not just buckle in and enjoy the ride? what the hell else am i gonna do? 

so yeah, anyway, it’s not about paying dues or anything, it’s not about making us suffer for our crimes of loving too much lmaooo  - they’re just…. it’s a soap and they’re telling a story that ultimately has robert and aaron interacting regularly and still being stupidly in love and eventually reuniting properly. so all i can do and all i want to do is find ways to enjoy the journey - and this is true of every storyline ever. 

and the result of me giving as much voice as i can to the things i enjoy and literally just ignoring any thoughts i may have or thoughts other people have about what they don’t because i don’t find them helpful (sorry all other ppl i love you i just gotta do me) - is that what we’ve had so far has been so much fun for me. i enjoy aaron and robert interacting in a - in a way, very abuse era-esque manner, obviously in an entirely different context. like - they both want to be together but they can’t - and now the feelings are there but only tenfold and so their scenes always have that bubbling underneath. a little bit of subtextual love and angst is fun. yes i want them to get back together and make out and cuddle and all that good and lovely jazz but like… that’s not the only way to enjoy their scenes, i don’t think. why would anyone ever rewatch the lighter relationshippy aspects of the abuse storyline if it was?

like - the smitten kitten scene? maxine’s episode where they go to find sandra? rob dealing with aaron leaving to see family in ireland for a bit (#parallel) and literally just trying to get info about how he’s doing out of chas on a daily if not hourly basis? they weren’t together during any of that. so why do they need to be together as a couple to have amazing, wonderful scenes now? why does them being split up automatically mean we’re in for months of no robron at all? because that hasn’t been what i’ve seen so far and from everything that has been said, that isn’t what they seem to have in store for us going forward.

obviously, you know, you gotta do you etc etc but… yeah, this is literally my secret lmao. just… idk. it took me a long af time to learn this and i had to go through a lot of sadness to get there but… idk the idea of being sad about a soap all the time just isn’t something i’m interested in for a way to spend my free time. so i don’t spend it that way. 

basically, what i’m saying is, this isn’t just innately me, irrationally excited about all things ever. it’s something i learnt to do and it changed my god damn life for the better in every damn way.

(i think it does make me a horrible person to try and be salty with when it comes to plot or spoilers though because i will, with all the love and good intentions in the world, probably refuse to let a conversation wallow in that misery and probably change the subject to something happier in order to preserve the hard work i’ve done on myself)

idk idk hopefully this doesn’t sound like a flipping lecture or whatever but this ask just came at a hilariously appropriate time for where my head has been at this morning

[gasters-story]

Chapter 8

Word Count: 2,061

Freedom Arc Start

Gaster was forced to relive that period of his life, over and over. At first, it felt like a coma dream, one he couldn’t escape or even wake up from. The only main difference after a while, was Chatch seemed happier each time, but also only seemed to get more bored as he realized Gaster had slowly grew immune to seeing this constantly over and over. It wasn’t exactly a great memory, but when done a lot again and again, it loses its effect as a mental torture method and becomes just a sorrowful one, especially when he couldn’t do anything to convince or stop Vedran from going, or even himself. Chatch would force him out anyways. The more bored Chatch got, though, the longer it took for it to happen again, until it suddenly stopped one time, and Gaster was finally allowed to wake up from what felt like a coma after a while.

As he started to come to consciousness, he could hear muffled voices that grew louder as he started to fully wake up. As the voices became more clear, Gaster recognized the female voice from right before he passed out, now acting shocked and excited.

“He’s awake! He’s awake!” Gaster opens his eyes, to see the owner of the voice closer, and pretty much towering over him. It was a young goat monster, a teen to be more specific. She was wearing some purple robe with some white crest on the chest. He blinked a few times, and she smiled, backing up a bit to allow him to sit up. “You’re alright!”

He sits up, holding his head, noticing he was laying in an actual bed rather than his makeshift one he had before. “Yeah- I am.” He mumbles, glancing around. He notices a monster leaning on the wall and smiling at him, his guess of the ‘teacher’, but didn’t pay too much attention to him at that moment. He also noticed his old ‘lab rat’ clothes, as he called them, was swapped out with a black robe that had a white crest, just like the girl’s but a different color. He checked out his clothes enough for the girl to comment on it.

“We gave you some new clothes since your old ones had… Blood on them and didn’t seem like something anyone would… Normally wear… We gave you something better to help!” She says, unsure at first, but then smiles at the end. Not normal huh? At least the fabric is soft in these clothes… He thought to himself.

“Thanks.” He replies, but says nothing else, and looks at his hand, which was bandaged up. It was also probably badly cracked but at least still usable. That’s something.

He went to get up, using his hand to lift him out of the bed, causing it to hurt and him to wince. He pulled it back in reaction, holding it in his other hand as he examines it, a bit frightened by the sudden pain. The girl seemed to jump at this too, getting a bit frantic.

“Oh you shouldn’t be using that it’s still damaged!” She says, a little panicky compared to just a minute ago. “Let me see your hand for a second.” He hesitates, but then slowly holds out his hand to her, which she gently takes in her paws. Her paws gain a green aura as the pain starts to slowly fade. “There!” She exclaims and lets go. “Shouldn’t hurt too much right now, but you’ll need to be careful with it until it properly heals.”

Gaster pulls his hand closer to him, looking at it a bit. Healing magic… “Thanks… again.” He mumbles.

“I should introduce myself, shouldn’t I? I’m Toriel! Toriel Proto! It’s a pleasure to meet you.” She says, giving a smile. Her panic a bit ago seems to have faded away by now. Gaster hesitates to introduce himself.

“I'm… Gaster. The name’s Gaster.” He says looking down. His first name was Wingdin of course, but now, he doesn’t want to use it as much anymore. It holds memories that hurt. The only person to call him by that name is now dead. It didn’t feel… Right anymore. Then again… Nothing seemed to. His whole world was flipped on its side.

“Well it is nice to meet you Gaster!” Toriel says, and what Gaster guessed was the teacher stops leaning on the wall and walks over. Gaster actually paid attention to what the other monster even looked like finally. It was a fish monster. He was mainly white scaled but had blackish-blue blemishes, and a black stripe down his back. Fins where his ears should be and a few gills on each side of his neck was also something Gaster noticed about him. He had a few scars on his sleeveless arms and one on his cheek. Looked tough to Gaster but also strange. He really doesn’t know too many monster species since Vedran didn’t have time.

“Name’s Gaster? Well it’s nice to meet ya! The name’s Nomeus Gronovii! Just call me Nomeus.” He had a wide grin as he crossed his arms and pointing at himself with one of his thumbs, not seeming all that menacing or threatening really, even with all the scars and terrifying looks he can probably give. Gaster just nodded, not really up to talking more than he has to. “So how old are ya?”

“U-uh 18 I should be…” He mumbles. That’s what Vedran told him at least. Then again, Gaster’s world was mostly centered around what Vedran had told and taught to Gaster. It’s not really a surprise though. He told him most of what he knows.

“Can ya do any magic?” He asks, which feels a bit random for Gaster. Nomeus’s face turns to a bit more serious one. “Normally most monsters should know by now. You’re a teen so you’re magic should be more stable to use then a kid’s.”

“Yeah, I can do some things with it.” It brought back some not so great memories on trying to think of all of the things he can do at the moment. Bones, blue bones, heal, some blue soul one, teleport, glow… He listed them in his head. He could do a lot but it wouldn’t be wise to do too much of it at one time… We’ve already seen what that does to a point.

“Neato!” His big grin returned at this moment, only to disappear as he got more serious again. “Good thing ya do. There seems to be a new tension rising. I’d stay clear of any humans. They haven’t been very nice recently like they use to.”

“I’ll remember that…” Not like Gaster already planned that before. “So… Where are we exactly?” He asks Nomeus. Nomeus perks up and smiles at the question.

“The Royal Magic School! I’m the teacher here, appointed by the king. For all the monsters that live around the castle area. We’re off hours now though.” Nomeus explained, surprising Gaster a bit. The… King? For around the castle area? How far was the lab from everything? Then again, where is it? “Miss Toriel here found ya cause she was trying to show me something she found, but I guess we’ll leave that for later now. Gotta take care of ya and so far it looks like you’re fine now.” Toriel suddenly lit up as she got an idea, gasping with a smile. She turns to Nomeus.

“Why don’t we enroll him here? It’ll help out since the tension recently and we can still make sure he’s alright!” She suggests, giving Gaster a shock. Nomeus apparently didn’t have to think as he smiled.

“Sounds like an alright idea to me! Whatcha say Gaster? You’re the one that says whether or not this happens.” He asks, putting Gaster in a small spot of pressure on his decision. He didn’t know what to expect. It can’t be too bad right? Only gains from this? If any, only a few consequences? He hesitated to even say anything.

“S-sure. Sounds n-nice.” Whether that was a lie or not, Gaster was a bit unsure himself. Whether he regretted that choice, it would be found out later…

A while later, Gaster was showed around the school a bit, which wasn’t all that big surprisingly. It was mostly outside, which wasn’t too much a surprise with it being a magic school, a big classroom, and a few rooms like the nurse’s office at the front area, which is also where Gaster was being taken care of. Most of the areas were pretty typical for a school, of course. It wasn’t till after Nomeus began to ask where Gaster lived. He expected he lived in the area or something obviously if he was letting him enroll here.

“So where’s your place?” Nomeus asks, turning to face Gaster but now walking backwards. Gaster stares at the ground as he walks, holding his arm for comfort. This question was bound to be asked sometime.

“I-I uh, don’t really live anywhere…” Gaster’s voice was a bit quiet, but still audible at least. Nomeus was but surprised by his answer, but smiled.

“Nowhere huh? That’s alright! Explains a bit on ya being in the woods like that, even if not that far in. No parents then I’m guessing?” Nomeus asks and Gaster just shakes his head, stiffening a bit at the thought. Nomeus took a minute to think. “I’ll take ya in then! Then again, with your consent, ‘course.” Gaster looked up in surprise, stopping and both Nomeus and Toriel did too. “So what’ll it be? I’ll let ya take as long as ya need to decide.” It didn’t sound too bad an idea to Gaster… Better than surviving alone or something.

“I- s-sure.” He said sheepishly and smiled a bit at them. He took a breath to regain his composure. Thanks to his magic making hidden lungs to power his body with oxygen and even give him working, liquid blood, he was able to do these things and he was a bit glad for it. The magic even made the stuff unseeable, but it’s there, just hidden so it’s less magic needed.

“Hey! Ya smiled kiddo!” Nomeus randomly shouted, at least to Gaster, which took the skeleton by surprise. He lost his composure all over again.

“I-I u-uh…” He was shaking a bit, he hadn’t realized how comfortable he felt around these people who were trying to genuinely help him. He really didn’t want to. Another relationship of any kind with someone, friendship or fatherly or even love which he doesn’t understand or know too much even with Vedran trying to explain, it felt… scary to him. He didn’t want what happened with Vedran to happen again. He didn’t want to get attached and to lose that person again. Before he did understand how devastating it can be, but now, he completely does and wants to avoid it at all costs. Even if he made a friend, or bond like these two now, he definitely won’t get as attached as he did Vedran.

“Lighten up! It’s a good thing!” With all that thinking and worry, Gaster never realized Nomeus had came around to pat him on the back. “More ya smile, the less people worry and as they say, the longer you’ll live! Whether it’s true or not, who knows!” He gave Gaster a big grin, and a few seconds later, Gaster weakly smiles too. “Now it’s time to take ya to my place!” Nomeus says and randomly picks up Gaster, slinging the now frightened skeleton over his shoulder.

“Wh- w-wait!” Gaster says in a panic as he gets picked up. Toriel giggles where Gaster can see until Nomeus turns to her.

“Can ya get home on your own? I don’t wanna leave ya here if ya can’t.”

“I will be fine! Just take care of Gaster.” She says, still giggling a bit. Nomeus nods, looking at the skeleton over his shoulder.

“Hang on or you’re gonna end up meeting the ground kid!” Nomeus says with a big, worrying grin as he begins to run towards his place as fast as he can, Gaster doing as told and hanging on best as he can from that position. Toriel waves at the now screaming, and probably crying, skeleton as the two head off to Nomeus’s home.

First | Previous | Next

[Index]

[thegratitudeblog]

Gratitude #3

Number 3 is:

My SO

Of course I can start with how much I love him and get all gushy, but before I do that I want to write why I appreciate him so much.

We have been through a lot of rough patches together. We have had so many problems throughout our relationship and it’s not even about the general cheating or distrust or anything like that, but more of family. 

Now I’ve already talked about how much I appreciate my family and how grateful I am for them, but during the beginning while we were together, they had a number of disagreements on him. Til today they still do. I’m not going to go deep in to detail of what had happened but a brief story. 

He moved in with my family (only for temporary until he was able to find a new place to live) for a few months. Now I never suggested this idea because I knew that it would make everyone in the household uncomfortable. My mom and him got along very well (he is the same ethnic background as we are-Vietnamese) since his Vietnamese is very fluent which makes it easier to communicate with her. My mom suggested the idea as she felt bad that he had no place to stay. I made sure if she was okay with it and everyone in the household is they are okay with it. Everyone agreed, mainly because we’ve had previous people live with us because my mom would rent a room out for international Vietnamese students who needed a place to stay. 

He moved in and got along with my family really well. He drove my family to run errands when needed, he let me use the car majority of the time to take my mom to her doctor appointments, he helped my younger sister and nieces with their math homework-he did communicate with them well, which is why I still don’t understand why my sister was so against him. I’m not going to go into detail of what happened because til today I’m still emotional when I think about what happened, since it’s still kind of dragged on til today. She confronted to me about a month in of him living with us of all the things she dislikes about him and I found out that my mom knew about this since the beginning. Now, I didn’t entirely felt mad at my mom for not telling me anything but I just felt like the world went upside down. I saw that he got along with my sister very well, and my sister looked like she liked him personally. She told me to break up with him and that I’m ruining my life if I continue to see him. I could see why she would feel upset, in her point of view, possibly the fact that he moved in with may appear to her as not being independent (our family is very self-dependent). I explained to her that he is looking for a place but if she feels that uncomfortable about it I’ll talk to him and see if there’s anyway that he can find another place to stay. Of course I didn’t tell him his right away because I was trying to gather the courage and words on how to tell him this. He is a very sensitive guy so I know he’ll be extremely broken about this. I guess in my sister’s eyes I was taking too long to confront that she ended up doing it herself right in the middle of the day. That day was so chaotic and honestly talking about it sometimes makes me emotional. She told me to pick a side, the family or him. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t know what to say. He looked so hurt that day and I feel so bad that he had to go through that. After packing his things, I told him that we’ll talk outside of the building. We got into the car and he was pouring tears. We eventually talked it out and told each other we will figure something out that will work. He stayed at his friends house for 2 nights, wounded up sleeping in the car, but was able to find a room a week later. 

Now after he left, my sister thought that we broken up. I would sneak out to see him in the early morning and evening. The time we spent with each other during that time was less than a day. We only saw each other max 2 hours in a week. My mom knew we were still together. She talked to me to see how I was feeling and I told her honestly how I felt. She told me whatever it is that makes me happy, just keep doing it, and forget what my sister had said. Of course that’s easy said than done. Me and him tried so hard to see each other more often and our relationship got more stronger too because the amount of trust we had in each other. Fast forwarding to about a month and a half later, I was feeling so much pressure from my sister. She kept telling me over and over how much she wanted me to leave him (she eventually found out we were still seeing each other), and was brainwashing me to believing what she was saying. One night after I saw him I couldn’t handle the pressure of having to pick a side, I told him that we should take a break until things cool down with my family. He told me that he’s still willing to make it work, but if I decided to take a break than that’s a sign of me willing to give up. Now, I really couldn’t handle all of these emotions so I told him lets just break up. That day I didn’t know he got me something for our anniversary, he gave me a small gift and wrote a letter I still have today. When I went upstairs all of these emotions just came rushing in. I was questioning myself, family is more important?, what I did was right, right?, my sister means the world to me, but didn’t he too?, am I going to regret this? 

The next morning I was in full of regret. I shouldn’t have broken it off. Why did I do it? I was happy with him, doesn’t that count? My sister means the world to me, but can’t I be happy with him too? She’s had boyfriends that my entire family didn’t entirely like, but they still let her make her own decisions because it’s her life, so why can’t I? I immediately texted him and told him I wanted to talk, he normally texts me within 30 minutes, but he didn’t answer me the entire day. I gave him a call and no answer. I knew he was receiving everything I was sending, and I knew he was reading everything too. He finally responded to me at midnight telling me there’s really nothing else to say. Obviously considering how annoying I can be at times, he finally agreed to meet with me. I explained to him how I felt and that I truly didn’t want to break up. I wanted him to understand that pressure I was feeling and why I decided to jump the gun. Anyways, we got back together and we agreed to communicate more with how we are feeling so the both of us understands how we feel. By this point, I no longer cared for what my sister had to say about our relationship. Eventually she stopped nagging at me and we kinda stopped talking to each other for about a month. A few months later I decided to move out. I talked to my mom about it first, if she was okay with it. I told her I always wanted to move out (I tried moving out when I was 17 but couldn’t find anyone I trusted enough to move in with) because I wanted my own space. My sister was just  added to the list of why I wanted to move out, but she wasn’t the main reason. My mom agreed and me and my SO found a place to move into together. About a month after moving in together, I dropped by to visit my mom (which I do like 5 times a week) and my sister was home. She apologized to me about everything that happened (she never explained why she felt the way she felt, but shes not the type to really explain) and that she accepts him. That was honestly the greatest news I heard in forever. When I told him about this he was accepting of it, but needed time to adjust as he was still sensitive towards my sister. They eventually got along a few months later. 

Now the point of this really long story is that, I know my family is that easiest people to deal with. They are kinda judgemental sometimes, but they do what they do because they care. They don’t want me to get hurt or end up with a a-hole. Through allllll of that, he honestly didn’t have to deal with any of that *excuse my language, but* bs. I know I definitely wouldn’t. Most people I know would’ve hit the door a long time ago, but he was still trying to make it work with me, even when I was starting to doubt our relationship. He gave me so much hope that there would be a brighter future, but back then I just couldn’t see it. We both learned a lot more about each other during this time and grew stronger as a couple. 

Currently now, my sister and him are, again, on bad terms. Not exactly why, but she broke out into an argument with me on Christmas Eve (in front of all of our friends) about him again with no reason, considering how she was talking to him all night and how happy she was that everyone was together. 

Presently, he is working overtime to provide more for us. He works overnight at a hotel 5 days a week, while working at another hotel as a bellman during the day, driving Lyft to make extra cash, he cooks for me even when he’s extremely exhausted (and tell him not to) and continues to give me a massage. Even though I tell him to go to sleep to get some rest.  We plan on moving to a bigger apartment which is why he is working so hard but also he wants to be able to provide more for our future. I really do appreciate him so much. He’s been through hell with my family, but still loves me entirely. We got engaged about a year ago, we were planning on doing the wedding this summer but we decided to postpone it to next year, to make the extra cash to pay for the wedding lol. I don’t need anymore opinions from my sister, just need her moral support. 

Thank you SO <3 

[bitt3rsw33tsymph0ny]

What’s your deepest fear? Recently I have had a lot of anxiety about my dissertation and the possibility that I will end up graduating with low grades. That turns into the fear that I’m going to end up sitting around doing nothing meaningful with my life. Or sometimes I fear I am not changing or growing fast enough, that I should be learning from my mistakes more quickly. I often get these huge feelings of doubt and insecurity when I think about my university career, and my ability to succeed. I think it’s rooted in a fear that I will disappoint myself but mainly my parents…

Share a memory that makes you smile every time you remember it. So many. But I’m going to a share a fight memory. My coach Jock was wrapping my hands and giving me a pep talk right before my fight in Nov. He was being very sweet, he really helped me up my game in the run up to my fight, working on my technique and fitness and I’d grown to really like and respect him as a trainer and as my coach. And as he was wrapping my hands he told me that I was to be the first woman to fight for the MXP gym, and that now I was going from being a ‘muay thai practitioner’ to an actual ‘muay thai fighter’, I dunno I guess it meant a lot. He was also the one that gave me my fight name ‘the lioness’, which as a name I really loved.. I’m pretty flattered I was the first woman to fight for both MXP and the Stirling University Muay Thai club What was the last thing you google searched? I was researching the documents you need to teach English in South Korea and Japan, and popular teaching programs. Are you a dreamer or a do-er? I think I’m quite a dreamer. And I am constantly in an internal battle against this side of myself. But 2018 is the year I become more of a do-er! Share one of these dreams of yours. I have lots of dreams! Most of them involve travelling and experiencing as many exciting, new and positive things as I can. When I come back from teaching in Asia I plan to stay in Greece for while, get my boat and sailing certificates. Then I’d like to work on a yacht as part of the crew, sail around the world. Has anyone told you they wanted to fuck you recently? not in such explicit terms, no. But something along those lines was suggested. What are your views on gay people? views? what views? I will literally fight you if you say anything derogatory towards gay people. LOVE IS LOVE. Would you ever have sex with a member of the same sex? I find women really attractive and get crushes sometimes, and yes, as I have had sex with a woman before.

Have you ever just felt like giving up? Yeah. I was feeling like that a bit before Christmas, very dejected and demotivated. Thankfully I feel better now. Slowly coming out of the slump. Is there anything you are holding back from telling somebody? no, no secrets. Do you think the last person you kissed has feelings for you? It’s early days yet. But we definitely had a connection. Do you wish someone would show up at your front door right now? yes but woe is me, I need to stay inside. Do you get high a lot? It goes up and down. For the past couple months before I visited Greece, I was smoking quite a bit yes. to the point where it was just hindering my life and depressing me. Since I’ve been here I haven’t smoked at all. Who was the last person you talked to before you went to bed last night? J. Is there anything you are hiding from yourself? yeh the pot issue I often just ignore and pretend like its not a problem. BUT NO MORE. I have decided to start being real with myself. Are you an emotional person? not excessively, i’m pretty neutral a lot of the time. But my emotions are pretty intense when they do come about. often I let them dictate my actions. How do you feel right now? groggy af. Would you ever get a tattoo? I have one and I am planning on getting at least a couple more. Next time I have the money I’m going to book an appointment. Are you satisfied with what you currently have in life? yes, I have no reason not to be. Are you one of those people who can’t go without their morning coffee? yes. What was the last photograph you took? I believe it was a selfie.

What was the last hot food you ate? a traditional Greek dish I made with leeks, carrots, rice and fresh herbs Have you ever seen a meteor shower? I have been fortunate enough to see a couple. I haven’t seen any for years though, I must remember to keep an eye out next summer and make sure I’m somewhere the stars are visible when they happen again in august. How often are you optimistic? depends. lately, not at all. But it is definitely part of my new years resolutions. That, along with being more mindful and doing more meditation. Would you say your thoughts are generally rational and logical or irrational and illogical? I do tend to think a bit irrationally at times, mostly because I like to opt for short term gratification over long term benefits. And I do careless things, speak without thinking, or just don’t think things through properly. But I’m working on it. I really hate being like this…I think the first step to stopping this is to stop defining myself by these traits. Are you wearing anything of any sentimental value? Describe? I’m wearing one of Jiggles oversized shirts which has a picture of a rainbow unicorn and the words ‘Totally straight’ written above it. I always used to wear it as pyjamas when I slept at his and one day he told me to keep it. It’s not particularly sentimental other than the fact my ex gave it to me.  Are you the type to pay attention to detail? I like noticing details but I’m always searching for the bigger picture, how it all fits together, assessing something as a whole. Sometimes I miss the details because I don’t pay close attention. To you, what is especially distracting? Stress, stressing and pressure of any kind I find distracting. Or social media, social media is fucking distracting and poison for the mind. Actually distraction is an effect of stressing, and social media is the means by which I distract myself, but what I find especially distracting is the fact there is constantly so much activity and so much choice in this world. Often I think if I had fewer choices and opportunities available to me I would be able to commit to one fully and focus much easier. What are some things that are important in your life right now? My degree. It’s the final push cmon Nat. My martial arts training. The benefits I have felt from Muay Thai doesn’t compare to pretty much anything else. And maintaining good relationships with my family and friends. Taking care of my own mental well-being. Making positive personal changes and all those other cliches. When was the last time you did some major cleaning? Before I left for Greece I did a big clean up of the house because it was getting disgusting. Have you ever thrown anything away, and regretted it later? Nothing that I can remember clearly. I mean I’ve certainly done it before but I think that’s just me, I often get paranoid about throwing things away and used to be really bad for hoarding things. Thankfully I have decluttered my life a bit more now so I’m better. Are you the type to regret things, or live and learn? I don’t feel much regret for my past mistakes so I like to think I have lived and learned. Obviously there are some areas where I still make the same mistakes…but it’s a process. How often do you feel like you need time to yourself? I am by myself in Scotland quite a bit, so no I don’t feel like that. Though if I’ve been with people for too long (especially a few days in a row) I definitely require some space after it Do you like being around other people? Why is this? I do get a lot of pleasure from being around other people, i’m an extrovert so I will often seek out other peoples company. In fact sometimes I rely on it as a distraction and use it as a means not to think and deal with internal issues. I need it, almost like a drug. But I recognise that constantly being with others is really not that beneficial for me. it should be quality over quantity. Problem is I believe I work best when I’m in an environment with other people. Do you feel like anyone “gets” you? Who? I feel like a lot of people ‘get’ me. My best friends. Some random people I have met and clicked with instantaneously. And a lot of my old friends from St Lawrence, because we grew up together, understand me more than my friends in Scotland. But it’s like they only get that side of me…they don’t understand the ‘me’ I have become in Scotland. Just like my Scottish friends don’t really get the ‘me’ I was in Greece. Jiggles I used to feel like he understood me so wholly. Obviously not anymore.. there is a part of me that now feels no one will ever know every single part of me, because they’d have to understand the perspective I am coming from and the one I currently experience. Which is impossible because all our experiences are unique to ourselves. What would you be most likely to do with a friend, today? going for a coffee and a swim. it was a beautiful sunny day. When are you most likely to be crabby? I don’t do early mornings very well. Also if I’m stressed or really under pressure I become an asshole. How about upbeat and cheerful? mornings, but after I’ve had my coffee. After I’ve exercised. When I’m out drinking. Who challenges you the most? In what way? Battling with control and self-discipline. STICKING TO SOMETHING. Who seems to hold you back? In what way? I think the only person holding me back is myself. And my inability to stick to plans. Sometimes I’ll allow the influence of other people to hold me back as well. When I need to trust myself more. According to the Myer-Briggs test, what personality type are you? I love that shit. taking personality quizzes. even though they are inaccurate as fuck and really only serve to confirm what people like to think about themselves. I got ENFP-t, the campaigner personality What has been preoccupying your mind today? This guy I was hanging with last night. We had a really good time. We were just talking and talking and talking for ages. He took me to this indoor skate park he’d built himself. Then we went back to his house…I assumed he’d invited me round so we could smoke weed together, then he pulls out this bag of coke …well I guess it escalated. But I had a great time. kind of wish I’d bitten the bullet and slept with him, but we’ve only just met so I wasn’t really comfortable enough. 

What was the last opportunity that you passed up, and why? decided against fighting in february even though I’d already said yes and had even been matched so I don’t have a breakdown. my diss is due a month after that and I just know myself, I wouldn’t be able to fully concentrate on winning the fight or completing my work, I sensed disaster. see, I am trying to make sensible decisions even though they pain me greatly Would you rather have a quiet day at home, or be on the go? It’s all about having a balance, right? Sometimes I need my days inside. But I feel like I enjoy my days out a lot more because I’m quite an active person.  Do you think you made a good impression on the last person you met? yes i reckon so. How do you feel about people who neglect their pets? fuck those people. If you can’t take good care of them don’t have them! Should there be an application process for having children? I feel like that would be a sure way of making it an elitist thing, or to stop those without power and money from having kids…I also just don’t think the government should have that right of control over its citizens…regardless of the fact so many babies are being brought into this world and are suffering at the the hands of neglectful families. It should still be our right to choose. I think there should be better sex education and free contraceptives for all who need them. 

Are you able to ask for help when you need it? yes, I’m not one of those people who find it hard to ask for help. In fact I would say I am someone that has a tendency to depend too much on others for help, when I run into any difficulties. How intense is your anger? Have you ever hurt anyone/yourself? pretty fucking intense sometimes, but I also get feelings of general annoyance. I have bashed my head against a wall but nothing extreme like cutting. I regretfully have hurt people physically in anger before…I know it’s shameful but I have a bit of a violent streak (I blame the sport and my father.) It’s never anything that leaves a lasting mark but when I lose my temper I snap and can act without thinking. What is something red that you like to eat? tomatoes!! fucking love tomatoes. Do you ever have trouble getting lighters to work? sometimes. If someone drinks, would that lower your opinion of that person? No I would be a hypocrite if I did. Not that I drink much usually but I don’t like to hold peoples vices against them. Unless they have responsibilities to family or are continuously hurting others with their actions. What if they did drugs? This is sad to admit but it would probably do the opposite. I enjoy drugs myself and yeah, sometimes have a tendency to glorify them. Do you know anyone who is abusive? Are you abusive? I do, yes. not physically but emotionally. I know several people. I would like to think that I myself am not abusive, but we all have tendencies to do abusive things without realising it. Actually one of the things that lead to my last break up was my ex bf insisted I had been acting abusive towards him when we went on this trip together to Vietnam. It quite shocked me…made me reassess some things. Mostly that if he felt I was being abusive I probably was crossing the line…and because I couldn’t bring myself to treat him any better, the break up felt like the right thing to do. I think. Have you ever contemplated cheating on anyone? yes, there have been temptations. And I would be lying if I said I have not cheated… If your best friend wanted to cheat on his/her partner, you would say? I mean it’s up to them. Assuming they really loved their partner and was generally happy in the relationship, or if they were drunk and about to make a stupid decision, I would try to stop it. But since neither of my bffs are like that I would probably trust them to make their own decisions. I am not here to judge them although I would probably gently try to warn them about the consequences. Who do you know that gives very sound advice? Isabella gives me pretty sound advice. She’s honestly my rock. And my mum, who has been there for me with all her years of wisdom throughout all my troubles, break ups and other things besides. Between them I can keep myself in check.   What do you think makes a person weak? someone who never confronts their fears…is a coward…someone who preys on the weak, whose egos is fragile, who can’t deal with any criticism. Someone who doesn’t have morals, who doesn’t care about anything, and revels in their indifference. What makes a person strong? I guess it’s the quality of being able to pick yourself up, again and again, despite life’s knocks. It’s about tenacity. It’s about standing strong to your principles and being true to yourself and to others. It’s about honesty…and having the courage to do the right thing even though it’s the hard thing. Name one thing that you think defines you as a person? I would like to think it’s the fact that I’m soft but also pretty tough. The reality is probably different …I don’t know..I think that I stand out from the crowd a bit…because I’m not scared of being unique and acting like myself. And i’m willful as all hell. Okay that was three things but I really can’t say! Who do you go to when you need comfort? Tamsin. I find that she will always empathise and knows what to say when I’m feeling shitty. We’ve known each other for so long and our friendship means so much to me. I also like to go to my sister, who always helps me see the humour in things and usually gives me a fresh perspective on the situation. But I might go to different people for different things, depending on why I needed comforting.

Is there anyone/thing with whom/which you like to cuddle? I used to love cuddling Jiggles, that guy was the most cuddly guy I knew. He was always so enthusiastic about hugs. And he liked to ruffle me and pick me up and shake me in a big hug like a rag doll. Now all the cuddling action I get is from my stuffed animal, Kitty. Do nightmares still bother you? I have never really been troubled by nightmares. Apart from the one off or in a period of high anxiety, but usually I sleep soundly. At what age did you start to feel like a teen, and not a kid anymore? I think 15 was the threshold for me.

Are you or were you in a hurry to grow up? I wasn’t in a hurry before, and I am certainly in no hurry now. If anything it’s even worse now because I am supposed to be a fully fledged adult, and I look like one, but am certainly, 100%, not one. What is a fear you have about living on your own? I get lonely. I don’t know if I’d be able to handle living completely by myself. I waste a lot of time when I think no one is watching. Who was the last person to completely fascinate you? Thomas Shelby from the peaky blinders. I know he is a fictional character but I am full on obsessed.

[ep-heartstrings]

Just let me go why don't you.

Right now I am sitting on the floor of platform three at the station nearest my fathers. I’m very stressed, hyperventilating and amazed that I made it in time for my first train; I do believe the adrenaline helped.

One of the best things about being an adult now is that technically I don’t have to take any shit from anyone because I can just walk away. There is no need to stay with parents because I’m too young, or by a legal guardian as I’m not in a position where I need one. I’m of the age where Jordan’s father in Cocktail tells her she’s on her own. Something similar in sorts just happened to me.

Obviously you know that I’ve broken up with my girlfriend, and it’s been tough. Today it was planned that me and her would have a conversation, where I guess we would talk about everything that has happened. Since the beginning of the academic year you will be aware that I’ve been having panic attacks about my future; they are sudden, and unplanned. I hyperventilate, get angry, and upset, it’s unpleasant to witness, or hear down the end of a phone like my Mum did back in April. My father on the other hand knows nothing about this, or any of the real hardships in my life. Mainly as I keep them from him. I don’t trust him like my Mother, and that shouldn’t have been the case.

***

Growing up there are many things my father has missed out on, not taught me, or simply things he doesn’t realise. Unfortunately I share very few real father son memories with my Dad, and I do feel like he didn't see me enough as a child, but always favoured each academic year ending with a Summer holiday to the East coast. Not that I didn't enjoy these holidays, it's just it somewhat felt like an Ofsted Inspector coming by a school, and experiencing the best of the school's potential before leaving for home, and your next school day being back to the relaxed less effort style. But that's not to say my dad hasn't tried, he has, but in a way that he has never learnt from.

What my dad fails to realise is that money cannot buy love. It's clear that in the years since my parents split, my father has advanced in his job, even if it's only been gradual, and has a household income currently that I'm sure puts him in an advanced position of savings, and feeling comfortable; however my father has always challenged this. But my prime example is, his house renovations, holidays, and new clothes, verses ten years on, my mother is in a similar position financially as when they separated. My dad is generous in his gifts toward me, spending great amounts of money on me, and I've always felt the same way, in that it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I worry that he'll hang this over me one day, saying "All that I've given you, or spent on you" when in actuality I never request money to be spent on me. I've tried many times to suggest he doesn't need to buy me things, but I feel like I can't tell him, as I don't know how to say it, as I don't know him well enough to say it comfortably. I know this might sound like I'm contradicting myself by taking his gifts, but I worry if I don't, I'll have to dig deep into an explanation of what I think he's doing, and truly how would I approach a conversation like that?

 I'm so proud of my mother for achieving a role in a new job industry. Things are looking up for her which makes me so happy. She's always told me she left my father without taking anything, there was no "I'll take half of yours" and that is such a bold and brave choice to make. Because of this, compared to how I grew up, with my mother, we've lived pay check to pay check, and it's been hard. This has meant that we've had to downsize and move houses a lot. And through it all, I wouldn't change a thing, because it has taught me the valuable lessons of saving money, trust, and bravery. I don't even to this day think that my dad realises the journey that I've had.

***

 My video call with my ex was unconventional. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not it was going to be video, or simply voice. She asked which I felt more comfortable doing, and I said I didn't know, but I quickly suggested video, as she was about to voice call me. My thinking behind this choice was that I wasn't certain when I would see her again, and thought if it had to be, this could be the last time we saw each other; of course bear in mind I was unsure how this call was going to go.

 I wasn't going to give her a fake name because I thought I'd never have to talk about her without giving her a pet name, but because of the current situation I will now call her Maddy. As we initiated our call, and our cameras turned live, I was surprised to see that Maddy appeared happy, and smiley, meanwhile I began blank faced and uncomfortable, laughing to mask my emotions. By the end, she was in floods of tears, I was content, and we had both said everything we needed to. Coming to terms with our break up was difficult, but given some time I started to realise how little power I had in whether we stayed together or not. What I quickly had to come to terms with was that this was solely her decision. She hadn't given me anything to argue with; she said she still loved me, that I was "truly an incredible human being", and that this decision might not be forever, just that she was not ready in herself for a relationship so heavy with commitment. A relationship that would potentially continue on into the years to come as we both figure out what we want, and where we want to be, as essentially we will live two separate lives in two different countries. I guess deep down I'm happy. It's tough going being long distance, especially when in different time zones as I have previously experienced with my ex before Maddy. But still its too raw to fully comprehend how I feel right now, what's most important is that I accept what she wants, and work toward getting over what was an unexpected tear.

 After the call ended my next job for the day was to pack my bag. Now think back to April’s “Glow” post. I made reference to how my girlfriend had helped me get home, and I'm yet to explain it, I'll do so now:

 I struggle to pack bags for travel. I absolutely hate it. I never know how many t-shirts, trousers, or shoes to take. It’s an ordeal that I dread, and it can easily send me into chaos. That day I was due to take a train back home, but was really struggling. I was messaging my girlfriend at the time, and we have this rule; the rule is basically if you start to speak, you must finish, not matter what, for full honesty about how we feel, and it was a great thing. I decided to bait her by pretending I was trying to say something, which I guess I was, so she’d force it out of me, hence her knowing my dilemma. She phoned me out of the blue, and walked me through what I needed to collect. “Pick a colour. Choose two pairs of trousers. Two tops. Two shoes. Hats. Underwear and socks.” She would say. And this might seem easy to grasp, which I know it is, but in these moments, its something else. Packing it together, and ordering an uber to get to the station was so much more simple with her by my side. Even if it was just her voice.

 This is something that has played out with me for a while now, although the stress and hyperventilating is a new addition, I would say since joining university, since really experiencing a deadline, only now I experience deadlines within my own life.

 Now April’s scenario repeated itself as I was packing my bag to leave my fathers, which had been stalled by three hours due to getting up at 1 PM, and my video call with my ex lasting longer than expected. At nearly half past five I was trying to fit everything into the bag I brought, without making any progress, always finding something I’d forgotten about. Yelling, and cursing, I struggled to compose myself. I think even though my video call with Maddy was successful, in terms of finding common ground in her decision, it was still very raw and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. Again I had no say in this decision, and accepting the unforeseen split would take some time, clearly I wasn't ready to do so. Pressure usually leads to more, and when we're our most vulnerable, we panic and look at everything that's not going our way, to which I started thinking about the cliff edge, and how in a short amount of time, I'll either be staying in my city, or having no choice but to move home. I must say I sound demanding, but this is something that is incredibly rare, only more frequent in the past nine months. I am a strong independent person, but am fooled my luggage and haven't found a steady stance on this capsized ship.

 Ten minutes later my father gets home, and is laughing at me still being here. I remained distressed, as I really wanted to be out of the house before he came home. He asked if I was okay, so I peered down the stairs to which he asked when I was planning on leaving. I said, “As soon as I’ve finished packing. I'm having a bit of a meltdown.” I wasn’t sure how I was going to get to the station, kind of hoping my father would drive me. He stated he going to the gym, and so I assumed I would walk, then taking the silence between us to continue with the dreaded task.

 My father got ready for the gym and then joined me as I was pulling the last of the pack together. I zipped up my bag, relieved. He disappeared for a second and then returned with a pair of linen trousers he said he an extra pair of. I had said a day or two ago that I’d like to get myself a pair sometime, not at all implying for him to get some for me. A kind gesture yes, but my mind was more focused on the fact that I’d just closed my bag finally when he’d added something else to go in. My mind was in overdrive. I squeezed them in. “I can take you to the station if you’d like.” my Dad said. Hyperventilating I agreed, and I carried my bags down, escaping the hot filled space upstairs.

 My father sat on the sofa putting on his running shoes, only two glass doors separated us. I stood in the hallway, but really I didn't feel like I was there at all. For a moment I felt content. "You could say please and thank you, you know?" said my father abruptly. I was shocked, surprised that he would say such a thing, especially since I'd expressed how agitated I had been feeling. I began breathing in and out again. In those split seconds I thought about how to respond; being honest, whilst bearing sudden amounts of pressure was the only option I could see. I thought if I openly reason with him, he would understand what I was going through. "My mind isn't even on the trousers right now, I'm having a breakdown." I said, in hopes of reaching clarity. Nothing of the sort occurred, except him raising his voice. I just stood there and took it. "You don't think I've gone through something similar?" he exasperated. "You might have split up, but I've gone through a failed marriage.." Just the idea that he'd bring up his marriage with my mother, startled me. I didn't understand why he couldn't grasp that maybe there was something more going on in my life other than my break up. If there was ever an example of how little he knows me, this is it. He failed to recognise that I wasn't being ungrateful, but rather expressing that I was extremely uncomfortable. Sticking to the honest route I calmly stated, "You do not want to get into an argument with me right now." But this only made him louder. To me, inaudible, as the stress filled in my head like Mentos to a diet Coke. I hit my limit. I reached down for my bags with one hand, the front door with the other. And before I knew it, the door was shut behind me, and I was walking to the station instead. The panic became pride as I made the decision not to take what was being thrown in my face.

 I thought he'd run after me. When he didn't I was convinced he would meet me at the station. Luckily I had plenty of time to get there, still with time to sit here and write this post; which isn't strictly true. Being such a heavy topic, spanning many paragraphs, in my honest writer mindset, full well knowing that one day my father could read this, and maybe learn a thing or two about our relationship, I have spent a total of six days making sure my view is clearly presented. When I finally reached the station, I realised that my father was going to let me leave without resolving the wreck left back at the house. This really upset me. But I guess if you're not going to run after my mother when she left you twelve years ago to make things work when you really love someone, why would you have changed and run after me now.

 I only ever looked up to my father and still to this day he doesn't realise that he just doesn't know me... At all... Worst of all, he doesn't want to know me. He'll take just the surface. And the fact of the matter is, I'd cherish father son time, but he's not brought me up, so it's not natural to him. And what makes this even more clear, is that he tries to parent me even now, "You could say please and thank you, you know?" I mean, my mother would never talk to me like that. He's not had an impact on my upbringing, my mother raised me; a single parent, who I see as one of my heroes. There are dads out there who as a single dad indulge in their time with their son or daughter, but because he's not tried to make us closer, he doesn't know me inside out, and can't read me, or more importantly, he doesn't want to read me to notice that their was something much worse occurring within me.

 Now he's holding a grudge against me, and I will not be the first to make contact, or acknowledge what has happened between us from interfering family members, not after how he's made me feel. It’s Father’s Day this weekend, and I don’t think I’ll be ready to talk to him. And anyway I’m standing my ground, a change has to be made and I would hope that he will apologise, and recognise his fault. If past arguments have taught me anything, I can bet he will tell his mother, my grandmother, of whom I love dearly, and he'll bring her into this wreck to fight his battle for him. Please Dad, recognise that I am someone of respect, loyalty and honour, I am not mean spirited and I am not ungrateful.

Intended to be posted on 13/05/17.

[writtenbyevie]

Flower Language Based Prompt List I made instead of writing 💐

I tried to make the prompts relate to each flower’s definition per the Victorian Flower Language without getting too repetitive.

The prompts are all fairly open ended and I figured people could use them for their own inspiration or request games!!

You know the “send me a ship and flower and I’ll write something.”

Anywho, if anyone does end up using this I’d love it if you’d tag me so I can read what you’ve written!! Either way, I hope someone can get use out my procrastinating 💖

Click here to view an unedited version of the document: The List