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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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I just want to be loved

Before university I didn’t know what love was. Young love teaches us to be affectionate, kind, and to experience a force so strong we’re able to fall head over heels with that cute guy, girl or non-binary person in our class; sometimes at first sight. I have been that boy, fond of Elissa from our first meeting in our new year three form, or Amelia’s calm nature or rock n roll attitude in senior school. The unknown fascinating my mind with endless questions, or trying to think of ways in which I could strike a conversation with her. Young love is meaningful, but forgettable.

University presented me with the freedom of living on my own, and around my studies I chose how I spent my time; when I’d work, and when I’d play. I was now the keeper of the keys, rolling the dice for my future. Attending university I formed the mindset of Francis J Underwood, and over my first two years and his first three seasons I was motivated, determined to be the best, and ruthless against others. This helped fellow students form an opinion about me, making them well aware of my professional attitude towards my studies, and even my relationships with co-workers; rule number one, never involve yourself with a colleague.

During this period, I went on a handful of dates, getting me the experience I thought I needed, with the aim of making friends, starting in a new relationship, and even losing my virginity. I’m not convinced in these two years, “love” was ever a factor. Looking back on this, I can see where I went wrong, or was it right to make the choices that I made? My only reassurance from the dating decisions I made is that I have improved greatly in my romantic and lustful actions, but what good is that without the connection needed, or craved.

Entering my third and final year, I was greatly stressed, concerned about my next step, and was thinking more about my degree than anything else. The only person in my life who had an effect on me was Nadia. Nadia, who most famously was my American long distance girlfriend for sometime over and after Christmas break of ‘16, video called me and without reexplaining myself, we had agreed that a relationship was something we wanted to commit to. Throughout the weeks that followed, something inside me changed my perspective on what I wanted out of life, and I must reassure you that this change wasn’t specifically for our relationship, but for me and my happiness.

I always knew my career path would be stressful, and since quitting acting and focusing on production I have worked incredibly hard in all work experience opportunities, and have found it all to be useful. I am fully capable of working under pressure, but I do find that some things aren’t worth the worry. I will always work hard to be the best that I can be, but in the time that passed whilst we were together, for the first time in my life, I was willing to settle for something outside the dream; my initial thoughts were too drastic, I was clouded by too many feelings and I quickly came around. But I begged the question of what was most important to me, what do I really want out of life, and one answer came to my mind, and that was to be happy.

As you will have read in ‘Dreams 2.0′, I am in fact considering to pursue a career in writing, most likely non fiction writing, opposed to written storytelling. Not unless I continue screenwriting. Working on this blog over the past ten months I like to think I’ve bettered my ability to tell a story, or express how I’m feeling. I would hope you agree, and through this learning curve, writing, editing, and rereading my work, I can clearly see the journey I’ve taken as both a writer but more importantly as a person.

This change in self has definitely affected my approach to love, or simply the dating scene. Bumble has been an advantage and has led me toward better dates. In the past three months alone I’ve been through ups and downs in both my professional and personal life, and have concluded that I just want to be loved by someone who appreciates me for who I am, through my tics and quirks, like I would do the same for them. Nobody’s perfect, and we all have our own insecurities. To what extent do I wish this love to be, I do not know. I am the biggest supporter of the power couple, and will back up my partner in their life, as much as they would for me. I’ve never been someone who can have a fling, and forget that person the following day, though I thought back in my beginning years at university that I could be that person; I’m not. Love, lust and intimacy through companionship, I crave you. To love one, and be loved, that’s the dream.

Though my career takes priority, love is a factor, and if it’s true, we’ll make it work, together.

Intended to be posted on 26/06/17.

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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You're a beautiful bright star, thank you for showing me who you are and showing me your city.

Enlightening Perception via text (00:29 on 25/06/17).

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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Delicate kiss, "All aboard" the rail conductor shouts, We cut in two unwilling to part, Watching as you leave until you're out of sight, Quick! To the train it's time to dart. Speed, pace, jump, land, I will be making it home tonight, Now perched in my seat, hand to glass Looking out to the Liverpool Lime, Dreaming of how quickly time will pass. Pulling away leaving this city behind, The midnight train is packed and full, Revelers drunk, ready to brawl, Oh how could train ride be so dull.

Enlightening Perception

Intended to be posted on 24/06/17.

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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Two Souls

Two days into 2016 I heard the news of Otto Warmbier’s arrest. I was stunned by his story displayed throughout media outlets and followed the news’ coverage as he was put on trial, sentenced and striked away by North Korean officials. I remember hearing Otto’s words of forgiveness as the courtroom’s press snapped their money making photos of the twenty-one year old, simply asking for absolution.

Whether he did it intentionally or not, I will never forget thinking that in fifteen years I will be thirty-five years old, hopefully settled in my career, and personal life as I navigate life’s surprises. And yet Otto Warmbier will be released from the nightmarish camp, into a world he doesn’t know, having suffered the worst of any American captured for a crime that could be considered so ridiculous and questionable. Throughout the past year and a half, I would often think about the difficulties in my life, and then think to myself what must Otto be going through right now.

To this day it’s unclear if that is in fact Warmbier removing the propaganda banner from a wall in the supposed Yanggakdo International Hotel, but what matters more now, is those responsible for his death. North Korea of course have inflicted the most torment onto Otto’s life, hard labour isn’t exactly an easy punishment, but let’s remember he flew back to the states in a coma.

I’ve been a fan of Obama for a long time, but with every leader they have their flaws. I wish he had pardoned Edward Snowden, and wasn’t illegally interfering with the people’s privacy to the extent that the U.S. government was, but am also grateful for all he’s done for the LGBT+ community, the pardoning of Chelsea Manning, and overall human rights. He’s a president that will go down in history as being a great leader. But if someone was being kept hostage on my watch because of political differences between my country and theirs, I would do everything in my power to bring that citizen home. I say this from the goodness of my heart.

But what could be true, that we don’t know, even though sad, would prove that Obama probably couldn’t do enough to bring Warmbier home, given that the torturing country, ‘North Korea’ was playing hard to get. If Barack had revealed his failed attempts it would only place doubt in the countries citizens of his ability as a leader, as he was about to leave office. Focusing on the highlights opposed to the failures is what he would have wanted, “it’s been a great eight years, I mean Donald Trump’s our next president, I’ll sure look like god’s gift compared to his upcoming carnage!”; is just a thought he could have had in this mind.

I send love and prayers to the Warmbier family. Rest In Peace Otto Warmbier.

Intended to be posted on 19/06/17.

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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Just let me go why don't you.

Right now I am sitting on the floor of platform three at the station nearest my fathers. I’m very stressed, hyperventilating and amazed that I made it in time for my first train; I do believe the adrenaline helped.

One of the best things about being an adult now is that technically I don’t have to take any shit from anyone because I can just walk away. There is no need to stay with parents because I’m too young, or by a legal guardian as I’m not in a position where I need one. I’m of the age where Jordan’s father in Cocktail tells her she’s on her own. Something similar in sorts just happened to me.

Obviously you know that I’ve broken up with my girlfriend, and it’s been tough. Today it was planned that me and her would have a conversation, where I guess we would talk about everything that has happened. Since the beginning of the academic year you will be aware that I’ve been having panic attacks about my future; they are sudden, and unplanned. I hyperventilate, get angry, and upset, it’s unpleasant to witness, or hear down the end of a phone like my Mum did back in April. My father on the other hand knows nothing about this, or any of the real hardships in my life. Mainly as I keep them from him. I don’t trust him like my Mother, and that shouldn’t have been the case.

***

Growing up there are many things my father has missed out on, not taught me, or simply things he doesn’t realise. Unfortunately I share very few real father son memories with my Dad, and I do feel like he didn't see me enough as a child, but always favoured each academic year ending with a Summer holiday to the East coast. Not that I didn't enjoy these holidays, it's just it somewhat felt like an Ofsted Inspector coming by a school, and experiencing the best of the school's potential before leaving for home, and your next school day being back to the relaxed less effort style. But that's not to say my dad hasn't tried, he has, but in a way that he has never learnt from.

What my dad fails to realise is that money cannot buy love. It's clear that in the years since my parents split, my father has advanced in his job, even if it's only been gradual, and has a household income currently that I'm sure puts him in an advanced position of savings, and feeling comfortable; however my father has always challenged this. But my prime example is, his house renovations, holidays, and new clothes, verses ten years on, my mother is in a similar position financially as when they separated. My dad is generous in his gifts toward me, spending great amounts of money on me, and I've always felt the same way, in that it makes me feel incredibly uncomfortable. I worry that he'll hang this over me one day, saying "All that I've given you, or spent on you" when in actuality I never request money to be spent on me. I've tried many times to suggest he doesn't need to buy me things, but I feel like I can't tell him, as I don't know how to say it, as I don't know him well enough to say it comfortably. I know this might sound like I'm contradicting myself by taking his gifts, but I worry if I don't, I'll have to dig deep into an explanation of what I think he's doing, and truly how would I approach a conversation like that?

I'm so proud of my mother for achieving a role in a new job industry. Things are looking up for her which makes me so happy. She's always told me she left my father without taking anything, there was no "I'll take half of yours" and that is such a bold and brave choice to make. Because of this, compared to how I grew up, with my mother, we've lived pay check to pay check, and it's been hard. This has meant that we've had to downsize and move houses a lot. And through it all, I wouldn't change a thing, because it has taught me the valuable lessons of saving money, trust, and bravery. I don't even to this day think that my dad realises the journey that I've had.

***

My video call with my ex was unconventional. I wasn't entirely sure whether or not it was going to be video, or simply voice. She asked which I felt more comfortable doing, and I said I didn't know, but I quickly suggested video, as she was about to voice call me. My thinking behind this choice was that I wasn't certain when I would see her again, and thought if it had to be, this could be the last time we saw each other; of course bear in mind I was unsure how this call was going to go.

I wasn't going to give her a fake name because I thought I'd never have to talk about her without giving her a pet name, but because of the current situation I will now call her Maddy. As we initiated our call, and our cameras turned live, I was surprised to see that Maddy appeared happy, and smiley, meanwhile I began blank faced and uncomfortable, laughing to mask my emotions. By the end, she was in floods of tears, I was content, and we had both said everything we needed to. Coming to terms with our break up was difficult, but given some time I started to realise how little power I had in whether we stayed together or not. What I quickly had to come to terms with was that this was solely her decision. She hadn't given me anything to argue with; she said she still loved me, that I was "truly an incredible human being", and that this decision might not be forever, just that she was not ready in herself for a relationship so heavy with commitment. A relationship that would potentially continue on into the years to come as we both figure out what we want, and where we want to be, as essentially we will live two separate lives in two different countries. I guess deep down I'm happy. It's tough going being long distance, especially when in different time zones as I have previously experienced with my ex before Maddy. But still its too raw to fully comprehend how I feel right now, what's most important is that I accept what she wants, and work toward getting over what was an unexpected tear.

After the call ended my next job for the day was to pack my bag. Now think back to April’s “Glow” post. I made reference to how my girlfriend had helped me get home, and I'm yet to explain it, I'll do so now:

I struggle to pack bags for travel. I absolutely hate it. I never know how many t-shirts, trousers, or shoes to take. It’s an ordeal that I dread, and it can easily send me into chaos. That day I was due to take a train back home, but was really struggling. I was messaging my girlfriend at the time, and we have this rule; the rule is basically if you start to speak, you must finish, not matter what, for full honesty about how we feel, and it was a great thing. I decided to bait her by pretending I was trying to say something, which I guess I was, so she’d force it out of me, hence her knowing my dilemma. She phoned me out of the blue, and walked me through what I needed to collect. “Pick a colour. Choose two pairs of trousers. Two tops. Two shoes. Hats. Underwear and socks.” She would say. And this might seem easy to grasp, which I know it is, but in these moments, its something else. Packing it together, and ordering an uber to get to the station was so much more simple with her by my side. Even if it was just her voice.

This is something that has played out with me for a while now, although the stress and hyperventilating is a new addition, I would say since joining university, since really experiencing a deadline, only now I experience deadlines within my own life.

Now April’s scenario repeated itself as I was packing my bag to leave my fathers, which had been stalled by three hours due to getting up at 1 PM, and my video call with my ex lasting longer than expected. At nearly half past five I was trying to fit everything into the bag I brought, without making any progress, always finding something I’d forgotten about. Yelling, and cursing, I struggled to compose myself. I think even though my video call with Maddy was successful, in terms of finding common ground in her decision, it was still very raw and I wasn't sure how to feel about it. Again I had no say in this decision, and accepting the unforeseen split would take some time, clearly I wasn't ready to do so. Pressure usually leads to more, and when we're our most vulnerable, we panic and look at everything that's not going our way, to which I started thinking about the cliff edge, and how in a short amount of time, I'll either be staying in my city, or having no choice but to move home. I must say I sound demanding, but this is something that is incredibly rare, only more frequent in the past nine months. I am a strong independent person, but am fooled my luggage and haven't found a steady stance on this capsized ship.

Ten minutes later my father gets home, and is laughing at me still being here. I remained distressed, as I really wanted to be out of the house before he came home. He asked if I was okay, so I peered down the stairs to which he asked when I was planning on leaving. I said, “As soon as I’ve finished packing. I'm having a bit of a meltdown.” I wasn’t sure how I was going to get to the station, kind of hoping my father would drive me. He stated he going to the gym, and so I assumed I would walk, then taking the silence between us to continue with the dreaded task.

My father got ready for the gym and then joined me as I was pulling the last of the pack together. I zipped up my bag, relieved. He disappeared for a second and then returned with a pair of linen trousers he said he an extra pair of. I had said a day or two ago that I’d like to get myself a pair sometime, not at all implying for him to get some for me. A kind gesture yes, but my mind was more focused on the fact that I’d just closed my bag finally when he’d added something else to go in. My mind was in overdrive. I squeezed them in. “I can take you to the station if you’d like.” my Dad said. Hyperventilating I agreed, and I carried my bags down, escaping the hot filled space upstairs.

My father sat on the sofa putting on his running shoes, only two glass doors separated us. I stood in the hallway, but really I didn't feel like I was there at all. For a moment I felt content. "You could say please and thank you, you know?" said my father abruptly. I was shocked, surprised that he would say such a thing, especially since I'd expressed how agitated I had been feeling. I began breathing in and out again. In those split seconds I thought about how to respond; being honest, whilst bearing sudden amounts of pressure was the only option I could see. I thought if I openly reason with him, he would understand what I was going through. "My mind isn't even on the trousers right now, I'm having a breakdown." I said, in hopes of reaching clarity. Nothing of the sort occurred, except him raising his voice. I just stood there and took it. "You don't think I've gone through something similar?" he exasperated. "You might have split up, but I've gone through a failed marriage.." Just the idea that he'd bring up his marriage with my mother, startled me. I didn't understand why he couldn't grasp that maybe there was something more going on in my life other than my break up. If there was ever an example of how little he knows me, this is it. He failed to recognise that I wasn't being ungrateful, but rather expressing that I was extremely uncomfortable. Sticking to the honest route I calmly stated, "You do not want to get into an argument with me right now." But this only made him louder. To me, inaudible, as the stress filled in my head like Mentos to a diet Coke. I hit my limit. I reached down for my bags with one hand, the front door with the other. And before I knew it, the door was shut behind me, and I was walking to the station instead. The panic became pride as I made the decision not to take what was being thrown in my face.

I thought he'd run after me. When he didn't I was convinced he would meet me at the station. Luckily I had plenty of time to get there, still with time to sit here and write this post; which isn't strictly true. Being such a heavy topic, spanning many paragraphs, in my honest writer mindset, full well knowing that one day my father could read this, and maybe learn a thing or two about our relationship, I have spent a total of six days making sure my view is clearly presented. When I finally reached the station, I realised that my father was going to let me leave without resolving the wreck left back at the house. This really upset me. But I guess if you're not going to run after my mother when she left you twelve years ago to make things work when you really love someone, why would you have changed and run after me now.

I only ever looked up to my father and still to this day he doesn't realise that he just doesn't know me... At all... Worst of all, he doesn't want to know me. He'll take just the surface. And the fact of the matter is, I'd cherish father son time, but he's not brought me up, so it's not natural to him. And what makes this even more clear, is that he tries to parent me even now, "You could say please and thank you, you know?" I mean, my mother would never talk to me like that. He's not had an impact on my upbringing, my mother raised me; a single parent, who I see as one of my heroes. There are dads out there who as a single dad indulge in their time with their son or daughter, but because he's not tried to make us closer, he doesn't know me inside out, and can't read me, or more importantly, he doesn't want to read me to notice that their was something much worse occurring within me.

Now he's holding a grudge against me, and I will not be the first to make contact, or acknowledge what has happened between us from interfering family members, not after how he's made me feel. It’s Father’s Day this weekend, and I don’t think I’ll be ready to talk to him. And anyway I’m standing my ground, a change has to be made and I would hope that he will apologise, and recognise his fault. If past arguments have taught me anything, I can bet he will tell his mother, my grandmother, of whom I love dearly, and he'll bring her into this wreck to fight his battle for him. Please Dad, recognise that I am someone of respect, loyalty and honour, I am not mean spirited and I am not ungrateful.

Intended to be posted on 13/05/17.

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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The Orange Sock

10:00 PM

I’ve not really been looking forward to writing this post, but with the time away from the great city spent with both my mother and father, with work experience approaching, I need to find my A-Game. So that means I need to put this behind me, in the best way possible.

03:00 AM

I've seriously put off writing this, it's been five hours since I started to. It's weird I feel like I'm so ready to put this behind me but at the same time, it seems so impossible; it really didn’t help that I found one of her orange socks in my travel bag. How it got in there I have no idea.

I've had four days to let the tears flow, and to talk it out with myself, and my mother, till I came to the conclusion that I really don't have a say in this matter. She ended it, she says she loves me still, she's just not ready. So there's nothing I can say or do.

We’re meant to be talking today, but I really don't know what is going to be said. All I can do is accept what she wants, or fully disconnect from her; the latter I don't really want to do. She might want the same relationship with me, but that's not fair, something that I don’t want, and that's her loss. I was ready for this phone call, all the way up until five to ten minutes ago, when I had the urge to call her, but again what would I say?

I don't feel like this is a good post, it's not written very well, it's pretty much what I'm saying out loud, so it's unlike a lot of my previous works, but maybe you can see the struggle that appears in this post, I hope you can forgive me. I don't know if this is a downfall of mine or not, but when I say I love you, I'll pretty much follow you anywhere. But for you, I have a feeling this is the end, I just don’t know when that will be declared.

Intended to be posted on 12/06/17.

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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We're gay and proud!

I arrived at platform one at the station nearest my fathers. He was waiting for me by his new car, whilst I strolled toward him, Wavves blasting in my ears. Their new album “You’re Welcome” has to be one of the best albums I’ve heard. There’s not one track on there that I dislike, and what I like about it most, is that it’s a compilation of genres and styles, and I truly love it. I was here for a few reasons; one, I hadn’t seen my father and family in over six months, two, it was a Hawaiian themed BBQ, I mean come on let’s party! And three, I needed some time away from my city, and even my home city as a result of Thursday’s drama. I wasn’t sure whether or not I was going to go, but I decided that I needed to be somewhere she hadn’t been. I told my father to tell everyone not to talk to me about her, explaining the recent news, so I could go down for some quality time with my relatives, without the hassle of explaining the situation.

The barbecue was like all family get together’s. We laughed mainly, we had a great time, purely in each others company. We drank, I drank alcohol free beer obviously, we played games, and to me most importantly I spoke with members of my family I hadn’t in such a long time. To see how cousins were advancing in their education, careers, or even height! Blimey, one cousin of mine, a track star has grown to be so tall! But there was one conversation that occurred yesterday that I had always wanted to have. A conversation that I’d been craving to share with a family member I obtained through my stepmother; her uncle.

His name is Sander, and he’s in his early seventies. He was closeted for the majority of his life, living through a time when being gay was frowned upon, though he still found someone and expresses himself however he pleases. I first met Sander and Hugh, his longtime partner, when I was twelve, they’ve practically seen me grow up, and when I started to question my sexuality I didn’t really think much of them. But a year before I came out as bisexual, Sander had announced to the family he had married Hugh. I was ecstatic for them and was keen to tell them how proud I was, but at that time I was still figuring out who I was myself.

When it came to telling my father, knowing that Sander had essentially already broken down any barriers, I was in the mindset of "I’m not afraid to tell him, if he rejects me, fuck him.” But knowing that my stepmother thought their marrying was wonderful news, I didn’t think it would be a massive deal to him. I told him, and out of everyone I’ve told he was the most nonchalant. And then on Celebrate Bisexuality Day coming out to the entire family was exciting, but nerve-racking; I had nothing but support, but Sander and Hugh didn’t have Facebook, so my post never reached them.

Sat in the comfort of a swinging bench I began my conversation with Sander about my time at university, work experience I was getting, and then the life in the great city. I was keen to finally talk about our mutual experiences and connection to the LGBT+ community and by talking about the great city, I had the opportunity to explore culture and things to do there. I spoke about the city’s Pride festival and how I missed my opportunity to go, and expressed how important it was for me to be there, given that I was bisexual; “well I’m bisexual, I don’t know if you knew that?” I said. “I did wonder, but a lot of young people nowadays are experimental.” Sander replied. I was happy to be out to him, and so our over an hour long conversation began.

What is really important for me to say, is that I feel we’ve become closer from having this talk. Sander told me things I don’t think he’s greatly expressed to other family members, but because we now shared a common ground, we created a safe space for us to explore these topics. But the best part of this for me, was that we had our heart-to-heart in the view of everyone at the table. Two gay men talking about being gay, we’re gay and proud!

When the BBQ was over and we were saying our goodbyes, instead of shaking Sander’s hand, for the first time that I can really remember, I went in for a hug. He hugged me and he went on his way, side by side with Hugh. I hope we share more moments like this together. Maybe I even take a trip down to their side of town and meet them for lunch!

Thank you Sander and Hugh for being proud, and letting me join your family, you’re more than welcome in mine. Love Enlightening Perception.

Intended to be posted on 11/06/17.

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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Don’t think about all those things you fear Just be glad to be here

FC Kahuna in “Hayling”, a long time cleanser; let the tears fall.

Intended to be posted on 09/06/17.

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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The end?

If you haven’t established my mysterious location yet, I will fill you in by saying I live in the United Kingdom. I have to in this post declare that piece of information because I am briefly talking about today’s results from yesterday’s general election. I couldn’t not say something, and ultimately the name of this title both suits my party’s possible outcome, as well as my own.

I woke up today generally happy. I packed my bags ready to visit family that I haven’t seen in six months, as well as my mum and her new partner, of whom I have talked about in a previous post. Before I left, I visited my local polling station to cast my vote. Then I collected my bags from my place and walked to my nearest train station. I waited for my ticket out of the city, jumped on board and started writing a new non-fiction book that I’ve always wanted to start.

The train had a lot of open windows, which was unusual for such a mixed temperature day, so naturally there was a lot of noise within the carriage, wind rushing around me making the hair stand up on my skin. After a while I decided to check Facebook messenger. My ninja had sent me what appeared like several voice messages. I was optimistic, until I realised how many she had sent. A brief moment in my mind suggested that it wasn’t good to open them, given how many there were. I decided to listen to the first two and the last two; I was surprised.

She doesn’t want to be in a relationship right now. It’s only been nine hours since I found out, so I really don’t want to express how I feel in great detail, or how I might be thinking. But I will explain the impact.

I truly wish she had waited until this weekend was over, as I was due to see many family members I haven’t seen in six months; all eager to see me and ponder over how I was getting on, and interested to know more about my girlfriend. My ninja knew I was seeing family this weekend, and decided to tell me the bad news before I go. Because of this decision on her part, I have now decided not to go, because I can’t face questions that no longer mean anything. I’m distraught that I cannot see family that I’ve wanted to catch up with for so long, including my father. This has also hindered my research for my new script, a family piece of which I can no longer write because of this new information. I'm sure in her mind, telling me this for her was more of a "I need to get this off my chest" situation. So I'm sure that explains the timing. Even if I do return, everyone will know, as it’ll be a topic of discussion no one will be allowed to explore. Silent whispers, secretly talked about, questions unanswered, hiding myself away at given opportunities, it’s not how I wanted my family time to exist.

My reaction on the train was publicly not great. I would word that sentence better, but it’s what came to mind. Upon listening to her words I started to pound the table with my fist, then, pacing up and down the carriage before more destructive punching of the walls of the train. I cried, tears filled my eyes, and people clearly noticed, including the conductor who asked if I was okay. “Is there anything I can help with?” She asked. “Did you miss a connection?” “No.” I stated. I paused, looked at her in the eye and said, “Well… I’m single now”. She was sympathetic, and wished me well as I stepped off the train.

As I stepped down the stairs at my home station, I gestured for my mother to walk toward me. As we came together I dropped my bags, and held her incredibly tightly, sobbing.

Luckily I was visiting my mother before I went down to my father, so I will spend the next week with her and her partner. The downside with this is that I have to see my mother in a happy relationship. Don’t get me wrong, I’m extremely happy for her, it’s just not ideal for me right now.

The hardest thing I have realised since getting back, and listening to all the voice messages, is that I really want to talk to her about how down I am, but then I realise it’s her that I can’t find the words to talk to, and then I come back to wanting to talk to her, and the vicious cycle continues.

Final thoughts: I love her, and maybe I’ve rushed things for us, that have ultimately pushed her away from me, and I’m sorry about that. But I won’t apologise for giving her my heart, and a confidence in our relationship of being two people who are great together. I’ll leave it there, I don’t know how to close this one.

Today would have marked two months.

Intended to be posted on 09/06/17

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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Before you, I was a flame, Fuelled, ambitious, determined. With you, we’re electricity, Charged, sparking, thrilling. You, and I, Unstoppable.

Enlightening Perception (21:18 on 06/06/17).

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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I'm going to die.

Pending to be written.

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ep-heartstrings · 8 years ago

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I will not celebrate failure

I’ve been in the confinement of my university prison cell for five days since I found about something damaging to my health. I’ve kept myself here like I’m a chicken in a coop. I’ve should have gone to the doctors on Friday, but am now waiting for my Monday afternoon appointment. Other than that I think it’s been clear to those around me that I’m lacking in motivation, mostly playing my AFC Wimbledon FIFA 15 career mode (of which we’re doing very well this season. In the Championship, mid table for five years, now top of the table), watching Netflix (mainly How To Get Away With Murder, or Grace and Frankie), or reading, which I guess is the best of the three. However you may look at it, I’ve been distracting myself from what’s next.

With a repeated module to get cracking with, money trickling from my pockets, and the job search underway, I’ve been waiting to hit my mental state rock bottom. When to realise that I’ve got to get moving. I’ve unfortunately damaged my new hard drive with my latest documentary on it, so that’s going to cost around £500 of which I don’t have right now, so shooting the rest of it has been on hold longer than expected. The subject even asking me when we’re to resume, I just hope he doesn’t ask to see any footage, or re=request to have some for a “promo” video. But someone I know has helped get me unhook my PlayStation 4, and aided me in sitting at this wooden desk, writing about this, which is a good start.

His name is Frederick. He’s someone I met at the beginning of my second year here at university. He had transferred here after completing a college foundation year. Well he is someone I am content with, we rarely talk, but I guess we get on to some extent more than we do with others. He’s messaged me asking for me to join him in drinks for he is moving back home. Puzzled as I thought he was suggesting he was leaving and never coming back. “You’re moving to live back home?” I replied. “Yes, I’m afraid I can’t afford to live here anymore.” He said. This immediately struck a chord in body of fear. He wants me to celebrate his failure. And you might see this literally, as him just wanting to have drinks with those he likes before he moves home. But it’s so much more than that. He’s actually retreating, and he and everyone in our graduation year are in the same boat. We’re now looking for work and it’s fucking scary.

What I want to say in return is, “I’m sorry I can’t make it, it goes against everything I believe in.” But I probably won’t. I’ll probably not say anything, as I don’t want to hurt this feelings. But I am up, and somewhat motivated to get back in the game. I’m fucking scared, but I’ve got to save myself. Save myself from the cliff edge I can see in the distance. I have not option but to jump. I just hope that there’s a rope to catch when I leap.

Intended to be posted on 04/06/17.

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