#obviously negative stuff isn't good i write for free as a hobby

[eoinmcgonigal]

Btw if you enjoyed reading anything I've written, I'm *always* happy to get comments. No expiry date on this.

[tantyaa]

Being better

-taken from my blog (https://maggiemaysmay.blogspot.com/2024/06/being-better.html)

There is nothing noble in being superior to your fellow man; true nobility is being superior to your former self. - Ernest Hemingway

Obviously, I haven't updated this blog in a while. You might ask "Why?" The simple answer is that I have been working on myself. During this time, I have learnt important things and I am still learning things. So here some tips and lessons I've learnt in the span of 3 months.

 #1: Having a journal

This is probably the most common tip and for a good reason. It allows you to properly articulate and rationalize your thoughts and feelings. At first, I was really resistant to having one and just unmotivated to do it. However, change isn't supposed to be easy or comfortable. I've gotten to the point where I can't go on with my day unless I journal. So what do I do? The first thing I do is write an entry from my 30 day manifestation prompts. It basically just asks what I would do in 30 years or what I would do with a million  dollars. It really gets my gears turning and I always look forward to it. As of June 23rd, I am on day 14 out of 30; almost half way there! After I finish that, I write one word of the day and its definition. I don't think it particularly adds to my mental health but it's always cool to learn new words. The next thing I do is list 3 things I'm grateful for. The first two are always about my health and family and the third one is usually based off my day before. Then I make a "To Do" list. It's all nuance and menial things but it gives me a purpose to the day. Nowadays it's usually cook or go out and tan. Extremely menial. The final thing I do is make a list of around 20 affirmations. You might laugh at that but that is not negotiable for me. These affirmations have helped my confidence immensely. I always put that everything is ok and you know what? My life has been so stress free since. I go to bed with a smile and I wake up with one.

#2: Being outside

Vitamin D does wonders!! Not only am I tan and look like I AM GLOWING, I feel like so good! I've been trying to spend as much time outside as I can (when it's not too hot). I usually have lunch at the beach or I go on walks. I've also spent so much time with friends through this, something I am extremely grateful for. The fresh air and the sun always cheers me up. I've become a lot more rational in my thought and quite articulate because instead of moping around my room, I force myself to pack and beach bag and walk my butt to the beach. If the weather is nice, there is no way I am missing that! 

#3: Finding a hobby 

I have been loving cooking recently. It is so much fun and has so many benefits. I am not just eating my own work but I control everything going into my body. I've been cooking a lot of fish and pasta (with veggies and stuff). I gained back the weight I lost and I'm no longer underweight. But the weight gain is all healthy and my skin has been glowing. My skin is clearer and my hair has gotten so much stronger. Plus, my mom loves my cooking and it has been a way for us to bond!

#4: Not caring about what other people need to say

What other people have to say about you is just straight nonsense. It's a perception and that's about it. It is not who you are because guess what! Only you can determine that! I used to care but honestly it did more damage than good. Whenever someone would say something negative about me, I'd start feeling negatively about myself, and that's what I would put out. I've taken back that power and now I put out what I am feeling : Good. I am at peace and I find that everything around me has become peaceful. Someone told me I was a bad person but how would he/she know that? They didn't know me. They didn't try to know me. And they most certainly weren't me. So the answer to that is no, I am not a bad person. I am not a good person either. I am simply a person and what people think of me shouldn't diminish or give fuel to a preexisting bias against me. I have done a lot of good things. If you sat there and upheld I am an objectively bad person, does that mean I will always be ruled by that? Will my years of charity work and support be diminished to nothing because I have done bad things? The answer to all that is still no. You do bad things; everyone does. That is just how life is.

I hope you enjoyed this post. I know it is a short list but these four things have helped me immensely to overcome my fears and get myself out of an extremely long depressive episode. Much love <3

[creek-cryptid-deluxe]

WARNING DRAMA AHEAD

(Which is crazy because I try to actively have a drama free lifestyle)

So, awhile back I wrote about some issues in a friend group containing A & Em. Summary: I chatted with Em about A unintentionally making me feel shitty for FINALLY accepting my limitations & making lifestyle & wardrobe changes to reflect that. Em said she'd talk to A because if I did it, A might feel attacked & get defensive.

Day before yesterday, Em dropped by to hang, help me put together a shoerack, and go to a local costume shop that does rentals and serves all the theater departments & dance companies in a 70 mile radius. This shop is amazing, been around since I was little, almost everything is hand made with amazing care and detail, and the decor in their shop is ever changing, detailed, and super fucking cool. ANYWAY, we got on the subject of A, whom I've only seen once or twice since talking to Em about it & seemed ok both times aside from getting legit pissed that I'm better at macrame plant holders than she is. Apparently A currently thinks I dislike her or like her less or something. So I asked Em if I should gently talk to her about it and see if we can reach an understanding. She said she thought it was a good idea h really, I don't like one of my friends thinking I dislike them. So yesterday I pulled together some courage and messaged her. The following is the conversation that occured:

Me: So, I've heard that you are upset and under the impression that I don't like you anymore or like you less or something. So I'm gonna clear the air, but I'm gonna be blunt and honest with you because I'm not down for lying. K? (And let me go ahead and flat out say, I don't dislike you or like you any less)

A:I've just been feeling some reservations toward me lately. Go ahead I can take blunt.

(Spoiler: she cannot take even sugarcoated gentle level blunt)

ME: So here is the deal. My illness is eternal and is only ever going to get worse. In fact, it is constantly getting worse in small, large, and sometimes interesting & unexpected ways. Sometimes it creeps on slowly, sometimes it hits like an anvil was dropped on me. Therefore I am constantly having to adjust my lifestyle, activities, wardrobe... EVERYTHING. Very recently, I realized that I have spent the last 3 years trying to live my old life and just cope so my quality of life has been SHIT. I've finally truly accepted the shithole that is my health for what it is and have started to truly make real adjustments to my lifestyle, hobbies, wardrobe, ect. Because I will never get better and live in about 400 sq ft (at best) that means when I realize something doesn't fit my abilities or needs anymore, I get rid of it. However, I always offer those things to the kids & my friends first before donating them. But here's the thing, when I offer these things to you, I get a load of questions & comments that end up making me feel like I have failed as a person for realizing what has taken me 3 years to realize. For example: when I told you that Julia's candles were my last batch ever, there were loads of 'have you tried...' and 'I'm sure you can find a way.' I know you mean well, but if I'm giving something up, I've truly tried ever avenue to make it work within my limits and it just doesn't. Even after I quit candles in May, I kept the stuff (which took up massive space) until August because I doubted myself and was reluctant to lose another hobby. But I need to face facts and be realistic. Same with the sweater. I am drastically altering my wardrobe for whatever the upcoming season is to fit the fact that I need my cane at all times now (POCKETS) and the fact that my clothes need to be comfy enough for me to get dressed every day not just days I'm leaving the house. I've lived in PJs for the last year and a half and it's not good for my mental health. So all things that don't fit that criteria or my new altered lifestyle must go. And it's going to be a constant process because I'm constantly getting worse. The jewelry making stuff, I genuinely forgot you wanted it because honestly i don't even remember what happened yesterday, so I'm sorry. (I had jewelry making supplies that I can't use anymore due to -15 hand strength, which I gave to Em.)

A: I'm sorry that I've been putting you down and making you feel shity. That's never been my intention. If I ask a ton of questions it's not because I don't understand the severity and challenges in your daily life. I ask so many questions because I often find unconventional wacky solutions to peoples problems all the time and if I can be in the slightest bit helpful in finding a loophole or a way you might not have seen, I thought that would be better than just saying "I'm so sorry to hear that" I figured you hear that enough but idk how often you hear people actually trying to find a way. Like the sweater example, I would have been happy to take you shopping for a fun print material the made you some pockets. Outside like a cool patchwork with awesome prints, or inside like a bond detective. But you were so quick to snap at me and explain your whole situation like I am not taking you seriously. I ask because I want to hear your needs and maybe just maybe be able to help out. But if all I do is make you feel like your grandma did then I'll do you a favor and stop inviting myself over to make you feel shitty. I'm glad Emma always knows just what to say.

Now at this point, I stopped replying. I was kind of shocked at her response. Like, I expected her to explain her intentions, despite me making it clear I knew her intentions were good, because that's what people do. I expected us to discuss how things should be moving forward so I don't continue to feel like a failure. I considered maybe mentioning somewhere in there that if I want help or advice or solutions, I'll fucking ask. But I did NOT expect those last couple sentences where she basically stomped her feet and said well since this isn't going how I want, I'm not playing with you guys anymore.

After careful thought, writing & editing over a 5 hr period, I sent this (which are screenshots from my notes because typing is rough, I wanted to convey what I wanted just right, and now you have to click on them to see the full thing. I'm sorry I've failed you, the reader of this normal convo turned melodrama, in such a fashion.):

She responded at like 2 am (when I was asleep) so I saw there was a response when I woke up, but given the history of her behavior in situations like this (conveyed via Em, who has known her MUCH longer) I decided not to open it just yet, as I'd like to relax and enjoy my day. This shit stresses me out. I don't do drama and tantrums. I don't tolerate it from my teenage Spawn, much less fucking adults. I get the feeling that the response is going to be just as melodramatic & tantrum filled. If this is how she handles her intentions not aligning with the result of her actions that were driven by said intentions, then she's in for a real shock when she leaves the cuddlebox of college and enters the real world. Your boss isn't going to care about how good your intentions were when you accidentally burned down the kitchen of the bakery you work in. They will just care that you burned down their fucking business.

Welp, may as well rip off the bandaid. For you, my dear reader, to have closure I will read the response. Back in a sec.

OMG IT WAS SO MUCH MORE DRAMATIC THAN I EXPECTED.

A:I understand. And I told you where I stand. I am the type of friend that instinctually tries to help those she cares deeply about. I'm not the friend to just sit and feel bad when there's something I can do. But I have been feeling for a while now unwanted and you have confirmed it by not saying anything then, just talking about it to my former close friend, and then throwing it in my face that you have been holding on to a box cuz of me. And like the adult i am, I don't see why I should change the type of friend I am just because some one is ungrateful for it. I'll go help someone else leave their abusive boyfriend's in the middle of the night. for the people I care about I'd do anything, anything except sit and do nothing while I'm told how much worse I make things when I try and help. I will just take my good intentions elsewhere. I have had the worst year of my life but I don't remember you asking me once anyway. I wish you the best buy obviously your life is better without me and my negativity in it. I truly am sorry I hurt your feelings and I never ever wanted to. I cherished your friendship more than you'll ever know and you can ask anyone. But because I can't see myself sitting by biting my tongue around you and waking on eggshells because I clearly can't see the bounty between helpful conversion and being a cunt. Since I respect you so much I'll go ahead and remove that stupid cunt from your life so you won't be put down again.

HOOOLY SHIT. I'm not responding to that giant fucking dramatic pity party. She legit needs to grow the fuck up. Good god.

[lokigodofaces]

I was thinking about this today, and I don't know if any of this will make sense and it might get lengthy so I'm putting it under a cut. But I've been thinking about how fanfiction is supposedly "cringe" today and how I get nervous about people I know reading my fanfiction or even my mutuals or people I follow.

I don't think fanfiction in general is cringey or embarrassing or anything like that. I love the very concept of fanfiction. The idea that you can take an existing work and add to it in some way is beautiful. Fanfiction is its own separate form of art. It isn't the same as writing an original novel, they are similar but require different skills. It and other fan works are unique and I think it's beautiful. So let it be said that I do not think the concept of fanfiction is cringey.

By that logic, fanfiction should be celebrated in the same way that painting is. It's an art. Fanfiction shouldn't have to be something embarrassing we hide about ourselves.

But it is. There and pros and cons.

I actually love the anonymity of fanfiction for myself personally. I'm not out to many people and don't want to be out that much. So fanfiction is my way of expressing lots of my feelings about queer topics or other such things in a safe way. Plus, Internet safety. Most fanfiction sites are pretty public. There's no private accounts on Tumblr or whatever you post on. So being safe on the Internet is a good thing. To me the anonymity is freeing. No one can trace it back to me. The only people that know who I am are my best friend and a handful of others. I can speak freely. I can say whatever crazy fandom things I have to say. Some of y'all might think I'm crazy, and I've gotten anon hate before. And hate hurts. But it's not to my face. I have a layer of separation that allows me to be more rational and ultimately I can move on. And obviously anonymity comes with a host of problems (some people take that layer of separation too seriously, for example). But there are a lot of benefits.

The problem is that there are often negative consequences to being vocal about writing/reading fanfiction. Society thinks it's weird. We care too much about movies or don't read real literature or whatever other host of insults to fanfiction are spread abroad.

There's a reason why I don't tell people offline I write fanfiction. I told my roommates I like to write but none of them get to read it because I'm not comfortable with that. And they were all totally understanding of that and are supportive of my hobby. But I don't feel comfortable telling them I write fanfiction. Heck, even though one of them literally read fanfiction with me, I don't feel comfortable doing it. We were reading some...uh...not so great ones. They were funny in that they were poorly written. I mean, we read part of My Immortal together because neither of us had before (we stopped early on...it's not just poorly written...it's actually very upsetting...bad depictions of depression, self-harm, homosexuality, etc...honestly, don't read it...like I get that it's funny to read/watch bad stuff sometimes, but this is just upsetting for very serious reasons). And, knowing her, I don't think she thinks fanfiction is cringey, just that some are. I mean, she honestly seems like the type of person that would like Tumblr if it was watered down. She reads fanfiction she finds on Pinterest sometimes, she knows the none pizza with left beef thing, she gets old Tumblr posts on her Pinterest and enjoys it. But I don't dare tell her I write and read fanfiction.

Part of it with her is that I'm not out to her and I am very clearly queer online. But even with people I am out to it terrifies me. I have a friend* that literally knows most of the plot of Captive because my policy is that none of my offline friends read my fics other than a couple people so by that logic I can spoil everything to them. Seriously, it's my best friend and a couple people who I haven't been in contact with for years. That's it. The person I told about Captive writes fanfiction themself, but I don't dare tell them my penname. I'm out to them, and they're queer. Literally everything is aligned. I should be able to tell them my penname, tell them I write aspec characters (they're ace), tell them the xreaders are literally just me making a self insert but letting people tag along, tell them they'll have to read themself if they have questions, all of the things I can tell my readers. But I can't. I am so insecure about people I know reading my fics that I can't.

Which I didn't think was too big of a deal for a long time. I mean, I knew it was a problem, but I don't let anyone read my fanfiction that I know, and part of it is the anonymity is freeing thing. So I didn't care all that much. I thought it was basic insecurities about my skills since I am insecure about everything I can do and having to perform for others. Yes, society's views on fanfiction had to do with it, but I like being anonymous anyway.

But today made me realize there's much more to it than that. Someone with a name I recognized from Tumblr commented on Psych. I follow them, and they might follow me, or at the very least follow one of my followers and likes/reblogs my posts from them. Normally comments make my day, but this time it didn't. Everything they said was really nice and I appreciate them still, and once I have time to figure things out those comments are going to mean a lot to me. But instead I felt stressed. Someone found my fanfiction and read it. Someone that I like. And while I don't care what people online think about me, I also do care (if that makes any sense). And I totally advertise my fanfiction on Tumblr because I'd love for people to read it. But somehow it still stresses me out when people I like on this site read my fanfiction. Heck, I have never once spoken with this person. I rarely talk to people on here. I like/reblog/follow but am not too social (would love to talk to people but, alas, that would require having minimal amounts of social confidence).

I am suddenly feeling embarrassed about having ever written fanfiction because someone I don't even know but interact with minimally on Tumblr read mine. Do you see how insane that is?

And I've been thinking about it, and trying to analyze this thing about myself. Because this has happened before, people I recognize from Tumblr reading my fanfiction. And every time I get a little stressed about it. And I think it's a combination of insecurities surrounding my general interests and knowing the stereotypes society has for people like me. For example, I have a handful of xreaders. Society doesn't look kindly upon fanfiction in general, and xreaders particularly are seen as cringey. When someone I know-ish reads them, I get a little stressed because oh my heavens, they know. They know I write xreaders, they know, they are probably judging me. And they literally will tell me the nicest things but I'll be stressed about it for a little bit.

This only happens with Tumblr users reading my fics who I first heard of through Tumblr. There's a degree of separation between y'all and my fanfiction. When people I've never heard of read them, there's no stress. Just people reading my fic. But if I've heard of you before, suddenly there's the worry of judgement.

And this is all super irrational. I mean, why should I feel like I'm cringey for writing fanfiction when y'all are reading it and have Ao3 accounts? If I am cringe, so are y'all. But now that I know about this, I can work on it.

Because it is irrational. There isn't a rational reason for being as stressed as I get. This is my fear of failure and my insecurity and lack of confidence getting to me. I know that, I just need to convince my mind that. Because I can write, and I write for myself. I just let y'all tag along if you want to. I can write pretty well I think, and many readers would agree wtih me. So why should I be stressed? So what if someone doesn't like them? These fics aren't for any of you. And no one on here is going to think I'm all that cringey really, just that my fics aren't their taste. This is just my self doubt getting to me. I know these things, and I just need to remind myself of it when necessary.

So...yeah...doubt any of that made sense, but whatever. Here you go. Enjoy. Don't feel bad if you read my stuff. I'm hoping that someday I will be overjoyed instead of stressed.