#obviously could not have done this without annie who helped me write the dialogue and proofread all the chapters

[fischerfrey]

i'm screaming crying throwing up because i'm almost finished writing the xmas prince au and i can't believe this silly thing is the first series i'm actually going to finish on this webbed site.... it will forever remain iconic for that

[bonelesswords]

a study of souls | alex høgh andersen au

Chapter four: The bad things.

gif credit: @lol-haha-joke​

- masterlist

Warnings: Language, sexual content, mentions and using of drugs, mentions of a toxic relationships, grammar mistakes (english is not my first language)

Notes: This a short chapter and maybe a shitty one as well, but I found it necessary to write it for the fifth chapter, so if you want let me know what you think :)

I leave the building I've been coming to every Friday since I came back from New York and before that. I get in the car and when I fasten my belt and squeeze my fingers on the steering wheel, for the first time after a therapy session I don't feel like turning on the radio.

I understand that my need to turn on the radio doesn't come from the desire to listen to music or to listen to the news, I have more than clear that I have always done it because I didn't like when the words of Cobie, my therapist, echoed in my head.

To come back to the university has been overwhelming, so it was necessary to me to talk with her, she thought the same. I remember the first sessions and how difficult was for me to accept the situation I was in, I don't feel that way anymore, now I like to remember the words she says to me, una tras of chase away the words from my head.

I never considered myself someone who needed therapy, but there had come a point where I had realized that there were things in my head that I couldn't solve on my own.

And we talked about William, because he is the main reason why I am there, and the cause of everything else. We talked about the university, about reliving the previous year, about the professor who supplants William now. She asked me if I still have nightmares, I answered that yes, but almost none this week. I started talking about Rory and how he tries to get me close to his friends, I told her about my unfortunate encounter with this girl called Megan at Alex's party. Cobie finds the situation extremely amusing when I'm talking about Alex and all the things he says to me, I roll my eyes every time.

When I can't stand being alone with myself anymore, just because I want to, I turn on the radio and in a short time I am in front of the bakery. My turn starts in six minutes, according to my cell phone clock. I park and enter through the back door, passing through the kitchen, which is desolate. I hang my keys, put on my blue apron and tie my hair in a ponytail.

I go to the front of the bakery, where Grandma and Mary, the girl who helps her when I'm not here, are. I greet them both, and after a few minutes Annie ends her shift, saying goodbye to us.

"Everything alright?" Grandma asks me, almost cautiously.

"Yes, I needed to talk to Cobie," I say and she smiles at me, that's all she needs to hear to be sure.

"I'm glad" She just says. Then she asks me about the university and about the rest of my day, I do the same. She doesn't ask much about therapy, although I have told her that it is not a forbidden subject and that it does not bother me that she asks me, but she thinks she does not know how to handle it, and despite giving the best advice from her position of grandmother, she thinks it's always better to talk to a therapist.

Suddenly, she looks at the clock hanging on the wall, it marks half past five. Grandma's eyes widen:

"Mrs. Samantha!" she exclaims and quickly enters the kitchen, to come back again with a wrapped package in his hands. She carefully places it on the counter.

"What happens with Mrs. Samantha?" I ask and she shakes her head repeatedly.

"She ordered a cake!" She explains to me, with the most worried look on her face "And you are going to give it to her, while I pretend to be baking back there, you stay here and listen to everything she has to say" She speaks quickly, staring at the door, at any moment mrs. samantha could walk through the door. As soon as I open my mouth to protest, she interrupts me. "Not a word! The last time he came I wasted too much time, now it's your turn"

She disappears through the door of the kitchen, without letting me say a word. I look at the cake in front of me and release a great sigh of defeat; Mrs. Samantha was the lady of the neighborhood who knew everything about everyone, it's fun to have her when they get together for tea, but almost irritating when you find her on the street. When she finds someone who shows a minimum of interest in what she says, she wouldn't let them go until at least fifteen minutes have passed.

A few minutes pass until I see her enter the door. She approaches me with a smile and permeates the whole place with her perfume.

"Hello June, I haven't seen you here for a long time" She greets and rests her hand on the counter, the gold rings shine on her fingers and she taps the glass lightly with her fingernails painted a pink baby, which matches her shirt.

"Hi, it's because I started the university again, I haven't accommodated my schedule yet," I explain and she nods with a smile.

"Good to hear that you continue studying, not all mothers can say that about their children and not all grandmothers can say that about their grandchildren." She approaches me a little, as if she was trying to get me a hint about someone "I hope to say the same about my grandchildren, or at least be able to say that they have a job after finishing high school, like your brother Rory. How is he?"

"He's doing well" I just respond after that strange dialogue, it's obviously that she's trying to talk shit about someone with me, unlike her friends, I don't want to. She keeps smiling at me, waiting for me to say something "I guess this is yours, isn't it?" I extend the wrapped package and she happily takes it in her hands .

"Sure," She replies. "It's already paid, It's for my grandson, today is his birthday and it's my gift. He has always liked Lucy's cakes."

"I hope he enjoys it, then."

"Thank you, June. By the way, I have heard about something and that you are not aware, which I believe it is a shame. I really don't know if I am the one who should tell you, but having you here, I feel the need to do it" Mrs. Samantha speaks in a worried, but almost faked tone. I frown, having no idea what she is talking about and why I should be aware of something in particular.

"Don't scare me, what happened?" She shakes her head severely and gestures me with her finger to get me closer, so I do it.

"Do you remember Hugh? Your high school boyfriend? " She asks me and for a moment, it confuses me, but I remember immediately.

The memory of Hugh suddenly hits me and hearing her call him my high school boyfriend makes me want to laugh. Hugh was the guy I had sex with for the first time as a teenager. I liked him it so much that I had thought I was in love, but he didn't feel the same for me. Eventually, we moved away and stopped seeing each other completely.

"Yes, I remember. What happened with him?" I know it is a bad a idea to ask her that and that I just gave her the chance to tell me the story from the begin to the end, but my curiosity is stronger. And I know as well that is hypocritical to complain about her talking all the time about others people life but wanting to know what she has to say about Hugh. But I couldn't help it, I feel a little bit intrigued by my "high school boyfriend".

Before she starts talking, I hear the door bell that warns that someone has entered the bakery. Both she and I directed our eyes towards the door. Then, the strangest thing in the week happens; Alex himself is standing in the middle of the place, looking confused, as if someone had throw him there without warning.

His blue eyes run all over the place, until he meets mine. I stare at him, saying nothing, he smiles at me almost ... shy? He didn't look like a person who would show shyness, not in front of someone like me. However, I feel out of place, and not only because of that smile that dances on his lips as he advances towards the counter and stops behind Mrs. Samatha, lining up, but also because that night at his house I had treated him so bad. I wanted to ask her what he is doing here after that, but I don't want Mrs. Samantha to witness that conversation, so I turn my attention to her, who starts speaking again.

"He has entered rehabilitation for drug addiction." She tells me, regardless of the presence of the man waiting behind her. I open my eyes big. Her words echo throughout the place and I think even Alex is surprised from the words that come out of the lady's mouth in front of him.

"What?"

"You're listening well! I don't know if Marta, her mother, has sent him or if he has decided it on his own, but yes, it has happened. A shame, he was a good boy, I liked him" he says as if Hugh was already dead. "Marta's mother always told me that he and you made a beautiful couple, and when I found out what had happened, I thought of you. Maybe you could send your condolences to Marta, I'm sure she'll love to hear from you."

Condolences? Was Mrs. Samantha sure Hugh was still alive?

"Thanks for telling me, then. Surely I will." I lie. I wasn't going to do it, I hadn't crossed a word with her in my life, besides, what am I supposed to say? "Hi Marta, I found out about Hugh, a shame. I wasn't his friend, or anything like that, but I feel an emotional responsibility towards him, I wanted to send my condolences since Iost my virginity with him a few years ago. I hope he gets better soon."

"I hope your grandson enjoys the cake" I say again, concluding because I do not want to continue with this conversation or I will burst into laughter otherwise. She asks me to thank Grandma for the cake and says goodbye, disappearing through the door.

I turn my eyes to Alex again, his hands hide in the pockets of a gray hodie, looking at me shy, even a little uncomfortable.

"Rory has passed me the address," he says uncertainly. "He also told me that you live right here next door"

"Ah yes" I answer. "I guess you come to buy something, as you said the other time." I have no idea how to talk to him or how to react, I remember being angry but not precisely with him, Alex had not treated me badly, Megan had done it. But the situation made me angry and I had treated him badly. I wonder if he is mad at me for that.

"I came to apologize, actually," he replies suddenly, taking me by surprise. His eyes shine, he looks at me like a puppy and makes me feel guilty about how I treated him a couple of nights ago, even more than before. That wasn't right, I was the one who should have asked Rory for his number to apologize, not him.

"Why should you apologize?" I ask but really, it's not a cynical question, I want to know why he thinks he should apologize.

"Because I should have known about Megan and stopped her, it wasn't my intention to make you have a bad time. That's why." He explains to me and a little voice in my head yells at me that I'm an idiot for treating him that way. I sigh, as if that was my only reaction.

"You should not apologize, I should do it. You aren't guilty if she doesn't trust in you, I shouldn't have treated you that way," I start saying and he nods frantically. I don't know him not even a bit, but he don't look like that boy who I had seen the previous times, the one who flirted every two words, he seemed genuinely sorry for something he had not done.

"She shouldn't have any reason to trust me," he says and a smile appears on his face. "I don't have a girlfriend, June, I had told you. She's jealous because I don't pay more attention to her."

"It's okay, Alex. You don't need to explain yourself"

"And yet, I do it anyway. I feel like I need to make it up for you"

"Why? You really shouldn't."

"Because you haven't felt welcome in my house and you had a bad night, right?" I nod and he approaches the counter with a different smile, a playful smile this time "So?"

I hesitate, I put my elbows on the counter, holding my face with my hands.

"So? How do you plan to make me forget that horrible encounter I had with your girl?" I exaggerate and he rolls his eyes.

"She is not my girl" he complains "Anyway, hang out with me tomorrow night, I will reward you for that horrible hour and a half you spent at my house"

I sketch a smile when I hear it.

"Hang out with you?" I repeat and he nods "What would happen if Rory finds out that you're inviting her little sister out?" I ask amused.

"Why would he find out?" I had seen it a few times, but I had seen so many times that arrogant smile making itself present on his face.

"If I think it was a horrible night, he'll find out. Otherwise, he won't," I offer.

"Good," he replies. "I'll take a chance, then."

"You should know that if you plan to take me to one of those parties, your mission will automatically fail," I warn.

"I'll keep that in mind. I'll pick you up tomorrow at ten, it's a fact," he announces. "And the fact that I don't have your number and you don't have mine indicates that you won't be able to cancel me" He starts walking on his back as he heads for the door

"And neither do you"

At that moment he sketches a bright smile, it's almost a laugh.

"Oh June," he sighs before opening the door. "I would never cancel you." He finishes by throwing a kiss in the air, keeping the last word once again and disappearing behind the door.

The water in the pot is boiling and grandma cuts vegetables, she is cooking spaghetti and this time at dinner it will only be her and me. The old television in the kitchen is on a cartoon channel, in which I pretend to be very concentrated.

"I can hear you thinking from this side of the room" Her voice fills the silence between us, however, she doesn't turn to look at me, she keeps cooking.

"And what am I thinking, exactly?" I ask distractedly.

"You want to tell me something and you don't know how." She says, I look at her and she also looks at me with raised eyebrows, nodding. She turns again and returns to what she was doing.

"Well, if you make it look like it's a big deal, I'm not going to tell you." I'm kidding but she looks at me annoying.

"June!" Exclaims.

"Lucy!" I play it fun when she starts shaking her head in disapproval. "Okay, but before you start, you must promise not to say anything to Rory." I lean on the kitchen island, ready to start talking, but she looks at me with a frown.

"Why would I tell Rory?" She asks confused.

"Why you should NOT tell Rory is the question."

"Why?" She asks again, more confused than before.

"Promise it first, then you'll know." I anticipate and she sighs, resigned.

"Okay, I promise, June. Now talk." Grandma turns to listen to me and dries her hands with the tips of the apron she is wearing.

"Well, Rory's best friend has invited me out tomorrow night." I announce and she looks at me as if I could explode with happiness, she approaches me quickly ignoring dinner and sits on a stool, putting all her attention on me.

"I knew your brother was going to get you to start going out again, but I didn't expect you to get a date all of the sudden"

"I don't think it's a date, Grandma. But he came to the bakery today to ask me, while you were hiding behind. The party I went with Rory the other night was at his house, and I had a sequence with a girl who likes him. She was jelous of me somehow and treated me like shit." I tell her and she looks at me carefully, with her eyes wide open. "And I've treated him the same way because of it, he came to apologize for something he didn't do. I told him that I was the one who should apologize, but he insisted he wanted to ask me out to reward the bad night."

"Oh honey, he seems so nice."

"Yes he does. But I don't know grandma, he's a little bit problematic. I mean, the first time I met him he had a black eye because he had gotten into a fight" Grandma shakes her head with a smile on his tired face.

"Are you really telling me that a black eye is an excuse, June? The boy has come here to ask you. Besides, when you have not been involved with problematic boys?"

"From today on, maybe?" I joke.

"Oh, shut up June, if the guy is cute and nice with you, you should go out with him. It's simple."

I release a sigh, our eyes remain connected for a few seconds until she imitates me exaggeratedly, releasing a sigh just as long as mine, causing us both to start laughing. After that, she asks me to take the dishes to the dining room, where I know she will bombard me with countless questions about Alex, but for now, the conversation is over.

If I am being honest, it doesn't matter to me that Alex has a black eye and that, from what I had heard from his friends, maybe he is a bit problematic. I don't care that his bruised face was my first impression of him, but I always do that. Like when I was little and I showed Rory a drawing I had made, even though I liked it a lot, I used to say "It's not very good, but what do you think?" I had done that with Alex, "He's a bit problematic, but what do you say?" I seeked someone's approval to stop feeling guilty for not caring about bad things, and tonight, grandma's approval had taken effect.