#obsessed with how the last gif turned out i wasn't intentionally going for that

[brotherconstant]

FOUNDATION (2021-) 1.01 | 1.04 | 2.04 | 2.08 All these years thinking the ghost was talking to me. I convinced myself it was Hari, and I started to believe that I actually was special. But if the visions weren't coming from him, then who were they coming from? No one? My imagination? You are special, Salvor.

[lazycats-stuff]

LIL BABY BAT N HIS LIL BABY KNIVES OOOH😭

the cutest thing omg im obsessed

can i request jason teaching lil blade baby how to use his knives? maybe jus smthn small like how to hold them properly, or just cleaning or storing them (at least what he teaches while bruce is around lol)

I can actually see Jason be like, so this is how you gut a mafia lieutenant and then Bruce walking by and Jason saying like, okay, this is how you hold it properly so you don't cut yourself.

Here are the rest of the parts: PART 1, PART 2, PART 3

Summary: Jason is teaching (Y/N) about blades, even things that Bruce doesn't like. Bruce has no evidence.

Ever since Bruce and family reached a compromise with the dulled down blades, Jason has become a main teacher and mentor for (Y/N). And Bruce had to admit, Jason was a good teacher. He made sure to really show (Y/N) what the blades can do. When they are not taken care of, he showed it to (Y/N).

(Y/N) was horrified when he saw the uncared blades.

Also, he showed to (Y/N) what happens when you don't hold the blade properly, you can cut yourself. And Jason intentionally cut himself once to show (Y/N). Bruce wasn't sure whether to be impressed or not. And Jason made sure to teach (Y/N) to never use them on people. Ever.

But he had to agree, Jason was a good teacher. He was patient with (Y/N), explaining everything multiple times if necessary. And he made sure that (Y/N) wasn't hurt. That was one of the things that Bruce had said to Jason.

But he didn't say nor specified what not to teach him.

So, Jason had a free reign of what to teach (Y/N). It was always a fun when Jason had to switch from being a cool brother to a serious brother who followed the rules. It was honestly a very good thing that Bruce didn't catch on.

But Bruce did think that something was going on. Unfortunately, he couldn't specify what.

He was trying to walk in or just walk by, but every time he walked by the room where they practiced or just cared for the blades together. But every time he tried to do that, just quietly walked by, everything seemed fine, but Bruce knew something was off.

Maybe he could find out once. Did he really have to hatch a plan to catch one kid and one adult in his own house? Well, one adult who can be classified as a menace and a kid who is a magnet for trouble.

One day, Bruce was just walking down the hall. He heard Jason and (Y/N), spending time together. He smiled at the sound, but the words that Jason was saying were... Concerning.

" Okay, so, hold the handle. Now, I'm going to show you how to use it from behind. "

Bruce frowned at that. What the hell is Jason saying? He moved closer to the door.

" Okay, watch me. Just do this. And that's how you get somebody from behind. "

Bruce has heard enough to just enter. (Y/N) jumped, but Jason remained calm. As if he heard Bruce coming.

" (Y/N), can you go find Dick? I think he is the garden. " Bruce said to the young boy.

" Am I in trouble? " (Y/N) asked, probably sensing that Bruce's was angry.

" You're not in trouble. I just need to talk to Jason. Adult talk. "

" Is he in trouble? " (Y/N) asked, looking at Jason.

" No he isn't. " Bruce assured his son. (Y/N) gave both Bruce and Jason hugs before leaving to find Dick.

Once Bruce knew that (Y/N) was out of earshot, he turned to Jason.

" Why are you teaching him how to use a blade from behind? " Bruce asked, crossing his arms.

" Well, if he is ever in that situation, he needs to know that. " Jason defended himself.

" Jason, he's eight! " Bruce said, raising his voice a little.

" And your son! He has your last name! That's an automatic target on your back! " Jason said, defending himself with much more fervor.

Bruce sighed, knowing that there is some truth in there.

" Fair enough, but I don't need you to teach him how to kill. Teach him some self defense without a weapon then. " Bruce asked Jason.

" Okay, I understand that. But the man is the more interested in the blades rather than martial arts. " Jason said, crossing his arms.

" I know, but you can put some sort of bug in his ear. You can try. "

Jason sighed. " If you want me to try, but that kid is smart. He can sense shit. " Jason said.

" I am just asking you to try. "

" I will try to. "

Bruce thanked him and went to see what was happening with his son. His son doesn't need to know how to use those blades. Maybe when he is older, but most definitely not now.

[twoidiotwriters1]

Daughter of Olympus (Leo Valdez xFem!Oc)

A/N: I'm obsessed with Leara's flirty banter, it's the best -Danny Words: 2,537 Series' Masterlist Previous Chapter / Next Chapter Listen to: 'Everything Has Changed' -by Taylor Swift ft. Ed Sheeran

XXXVI: Kinda Want to Kiss Him, Kinda Want to Push Him Into Traffic

Leo's team lost, so he isn't in the ideal mood to have a serious talk, but Ara goes through with it anyway. While everyone's distracted singing and eating s'mores, she starts the awkward conversation.

"I wasn't hiding things intentionally," she speaks in a whisper, even though the kids around them are loud.

"So why does it feel like you are?" Leo's got a frown on his face that she hates to see.

She clasps her hands together and places them against her lips. "So, basically, I'm dumb."

"You could at least try a compelling excuse."

"I thought you wouldn't care!"

"I don't want you to go," he stares at the campfire, shoulders falling a little, "I know your parents asked you to—"

"They're not forcing me. I mean, they decided without telling me first, but if I were to push back, they wouldn't stop me."

"So you're saying... you want to leave?" Leo looks at her. "Is it your prophecy?"

Ara thinks of the vision she saw of Janus, and a chill runs down her spine. The place is not that dark, but they're still close enough to get away with a few things. Ara reaches for Leo's hand and holds it firmly.

"Rachel has recited it twice by now, it's getting serious..." Ara makes a face. "That's not what I wanted to talk about, though."

"Alright... so what is it?"

"Last year, Percy was hiding from more than just a prophecy, and I understand him better now," she sighs. "I watched him tiptoe over his feelings for years until he couldn't anymore, and it only made things harder. We're alike that way."

Leo stares at her with a frown. "Your mother is the goddess of love, Ara."

"And that's all the more reason to be afraid of her!" She exclaims. "And don't even get me started on Eros! There is a reason why my siblings play matchmaker with others and not themselves—"

"But aren't you supposed to... well, love it?"

"It doesn't mean I understand it. My sister Silena advocated for romantic love, defended it, and made use of it. Others, like Piper and I, focus on prosaic beauty and platonic love. Kids like Drew focus on the physicality and idolization of it. Love has many faces, and I never look where to look."

Ara focuses on the kids around the campfire, it's during this time that she gets to see everyone's soul light. She knows what they love, and to have that leverage over so many people can be overwhelming.

"I can't tell if I'm leaving because it's going to make me a better leader, or if I'm going away because I don't want to like you more than I already do."

Leo doesn't want to laugh, but it comes out involuntarily. "You're afraid of liking me too much?"

He's talking in a normal voice now, so she speaks in an even quieter whisper. "You're the first boy that likes me back—"

"Shut up."

Ara looks around in alarm. "Why?"

"No, I mean, that can't be right," Leo scowls. "That can't be true."

"I told you—"

"I remember what you said, but you also mentioned having a first date—"

"Yeah, and you know how that went! Even my first kiss was a fiasco..."

"Please, tell me you're not talking about me," he pouts.

"What? No, it was with a friend—"

"You kissed Lily?" Leo raises his voice.

"No!" Ara pinches his arm. "Be quiet!" 

"Nico?"

The girl turns around again, thinking Leo's spotted the younger demigod. "What? Where?"

"No, doofus!" He snorts. "You kissed Nico?"

Ara feels weirdly insulted. "Ew! No! He's like the annoying little cousin I acquired when I got adopted."

"He overexcites you a little too much for me to believe that."

Ara pinches the bridge of her nose. "Alright, let's circle back, okay? I want to make good use of this week, so I don't feel like I'm dipping out."

Leo keeps on teasing her. "Dunno, I kinda want you to feel bad about it..."

"That's not funny."

"It's kinda funny."

"Leo!"

"Arae."

When he says, her name sounds like a prayer instead of a curse. She tries hard to conceal just how much it delights her.

"What's your full name?" Ara crosses her arms. "I need to sound stern and Leo isn't gonna cut it."

"Great question! Unfortunately, I refuse to answer."

"Leoooo," she complains, making use of her puppy eyes.

"Stop that before I kiss you in front of everyone," he whispers a warning, his thumb stroking the back of her hand. "You'll leave once the week ends?"

Ara glances down at his hand, they're both glowing. "Yeah."

"I want us to be official by the time you leave."

"What!"

Leo hushes her, though he's smiling. "Jackson, be quiet!"

"Leo, I'm a veteran in this camp," she expresses anxiously. "When my friends got crushes, I was front and center making their lives hell, I loved teasing them—"

He laughs. "Oh, so Karma's gonna getcha real nice, huh?"

"I don't wanna be thrown into the lake," she groans, moving her hand away.

"Come again?" Leo tilts his head in amusement, his body tilting forward when she moves.

"When campers start dating, we throw them in the lake."

"Oh, like when Piper and Jason got together? That was fun," he smirks. "I'm game!"

"Sorry, I forgot you're insane," she frowns. "It's the middle of winter!"

"I'm always warm," he shrugs with a shit-eating grin.

"Let's see if you can handle me for a week first," Ara concludes, knowing she can't win the argument.

"I'll be fine," the boy replies confidently. "I'm the best thing that's happened to you since Reese's created its own cereal, right?"

Ara tries not to laugh. "That's not how I said it."

"I took creative liberty."

The girl shakes her head. "I'm going to bed..."

"That an invitation?"

"Leo!"

Ara wakes up right on time the following day. At first, she can't remember why she's so giddy, she didn't have any dreams, then she remembers Leo and has to take a moment to roll onto her stomach, kick her feet in the air, and giggle.

Once she calms down, Ara gets up and gets dressed. Lily shows up and Ara takes the clipboard off her hands, reading through it and adjusting the to-do list so she ends up going to the bunker right before her free hour.

"I've been thinking about what you said yesterday," Lily says as they walk through camp. "I think we can use your free hour to play video games."

"That's a great idea!" She replies. "Can we invite others?"

Lily pauses. "Who?"

"The Stolls, Jason, Leo, and Piper," Ara grins. "You know, so they feel welcomed! Jason needs to grow attached to us..."

"Uh-uh, one would think dating Piper, a Greek demigod, would be enough," Lily raises a brow. "Are you sure this isn't about your poster boy?"

"Whaaat?" Ara snorts. "No!"

"You gave away all the tasks he offered you, so now you have no excuses to spend time with him."

"What are you talking about? My to-do list says that I'll be going to the bunker today!"

"No, that's my to-do list, yours is only the first four."

Ara frowns, going over the list a second time. "That's confusing."

"You never read the list," her friend chortles. "You try to memorize it, then you spend the rest of the day asking me what's next."

"Well, I get things done, don't I?"

Lily snorts and rolls her eyes. "Anyway, I'll pretend I believe you. But I don't think Leo can sit still for more than five minutes, he's like a bouncy ball. Good luck keeping him inside a tiny room."

"He's alright," Ara tries to act like Leo's name doesn't make her want to smile like an idiot. "Hey, do you know his whole name?"

Lily wrinkles her nose. "I heard it was Leonardo, but he may be lying, you never know with him."

"Huh," Ara doesn't know why, but it doesn't sound right to her either.

"Why?"

"He didn't want to tell me."

"Why do you always fall for the guys with weird natures?"

"I don't know, Lily, why do you like stabbing people?" Ara taunts her. "We don't choose our favorite things, they just show up one day and it's like 'Okay, I'll obsess over you now!'"

"So you're obsessed with Leo?" Lily teases her.

"Next time we train together, remind me to kick your ass."

Ara visits the bunker and she brings Connor along as a distraction, they're both carrying large tote bags full of snacks.

"Hi, everyone! We brought lunch!" She announces to the crowd.

They're immediately surrounded by a flock of demigods. Lily's the last one to approach, and Ara's unable to hide her curiosity. "Where's Leo?"

Lily sips on her Capri-Sun. "Why do you need him?"

"Are you his new assistant or something?" She raises a brow. "I just wanna know."

The girl grabs another juice and then vaguely points to the ship. "He's in there. I'll take you."

"No, thanks. I got it."

"If it's about the ship's design, I should join—"

"It's not a—Why am I explaining myself? I'm the General!" Ara loses her temper. "You're dismissed, Saggio."

The girl laughs. "Non distrarre a lungo il nostro ingegnere, Generale, o ti costruirà una nave difettosa," Lily taunts her.

"Hey that's not fair, I still don't know Italian well!" Connor pouts.

Lily guides him to her workbench. "Don't worry about it, come help me design Ara's room."

"Don't put anything weird in it!" The girl warns them.

Lily gives her a thumbs-up without looking back. Ara wants to stay and make sure, but she brought Connor with her for a reason. She loves Lily, but the girl is a nosy little jerk. Ara is too, of course, that's why they're best friends.

Ara walks into the empty ship and gets a little overwhelmed. The thing is huge and she doesn't want to get lost in it, but luckily for her, on the first left turn, she finds Leo crouching near a wall and muttering to himself as he measures something.

Ara sneaks up on him. "Hey!"

Leo jumps out of his skin, dropping the measuring tape. His curls burst into flames. "What the heck is wrong with you?!"

Ara laughs, helping him up. "Many things, but I just like how you burst into flames when I startle you. Like an octopus squirting ink."

Leo picks up his measuring tape. "You're a terrible person."

"I am," she rummages through her almost empty bag. "And you like me anyway."

"Just because I begged you for a date, kissed you, and said I'm crushing on you big time, doesn't mean I like being bullied. I accept your bullying 'cause you're stronger than me and I can't fight you," he quips.

Ara hands him an apple and a water bottle. "Talking about that... you should train."

"I'm good," he replies, taking a huge bite out of his fruit. He swallows it before speaking again. "Busy building the greatest warship in history."

"We won't always be there to protect you," she crosses her arms. "I would sleep better if you knew how to use a sword..."

"I know how to use a sword! You poke the soft spots! It ain't that hard, doll," Leo taunts her, continuing with his work. "Besides, I was chosen 'cause I'm an inventor. Can't do that if I lose a limb."

"We can reattach limbs. Paolo has gotten his arm reattached a few times already."

Leo looks at her. "Please, tell me the second time was because they put it backward on their first try."

Ara steps forward and holds his face. "Are you not interested because you don't like training, or is it something else?"

The boy struggles to maintain eye contact. "I don't have what it takes to be a good swordsman or an archer—I'd probably stab my foot..."

"Guns exist?" She suggests, half-joking.

"I know I'm from Houston, but I'm not that kind of Texan," Ara tries not to laugh, but Leo notices her expression and keeps going. "I would shoot myself in the butt. Probably make my visits to the bathroom way shorter, everything would come right out—"

She bursts out laughing, letting go of his face. "I'm being serious!"

"And I don't want that," Leo reaches up to cup her face. "I'm pretty sure I could make a weapon on the go if I'm ever in real danger."

"At least train to be in good shape," she insists. "You can climb the lava wall with me, and learn close combat?"

"Exactly how close the combat is?" He smirks.

She pushes him away giggling. "Anyway, I came here for a reason, not just to scare you."

"That's good to hear," Leo takes another bite of his apple. "What is it?"

"Lily fixed my schedule, so I have an empty hour every day. I told her we should invite our friends—"

"Am I your friend in this situation?"

"For now, yes. It'd be a good excuse to spend time together and hang out."

"In a secluded space, where no one is looking," he steps closer to her. "Just like the one we're in right now."

Ara blushes. "I mean... the rec room isn't this big..."

Leo takes another bite of his apple and watches her with a strange look in his eyes. "We could get away with some fun stuff anyhow..." 

His skin is glowing again, just like hers. His words are making it impossible to think straight.

"That's a yes?"

"Yeah. I'm counting it as a date."

Ara looks away, the room feels a thousand times hotter now. "I—uh... that's all. I gotta... visit Pollo."

In the little time it takes her to finish the sentence, Leo pushes a strand of hair behind her ear and then holds the side of her face.

"Don't," she says. "There are people around..."

"Be honest," he inches closer. "You're worried they'll judge you for dating me? I mean, I know I'm no jock, but..." Leo is joking, but when Ara doesn't deny it, his smile falters. "Doll, that was the worst moment to stay quiet—"

She pulls him in, kissing him firmly. Leo doesn't burst into flames this time, instead, he wraps his arms around her. He tastes like apples.

"M'not ashamed," she mumbles once the kiss ends. "I'm flustered."

"Got it," he grins, leaning his forehead against hers.

"I—uh, I do have things to do though," she chuckles. "So I should..."

"Yeah," he doesn't budge. "Of course..."

"I can't leave if you don't let me," she grins, trying to move him. 

"Just one more kiss— Just..." Leo pecks her lips. "One..." He kisses her again. "More..." He tightens his grip around her, kissing her longer than before. "Kiss."

Ara's melting in his arms, and she's not even self-conscious about it at this point. Leo holds her face and pecks her lips one more time before stepping back. His smile broadens. "There. One and done."

She's looking at him in such a way that it makes his chest hurt. Leo hears someone approaching, and he doesn't care if others find out, but Ara does. He clears his throat, struggling to remember what he was doing before the girl walked in.

"Thank you for the food. I... I'll see you later."

Ara nods, still watching him with those warm eyes and flushed cheeks. He feels like he'll involuntarily combust if he continues to look at her, so he turns around and forces himself to continue working.

Once she's out of the room, Leo stops and leans one hand on the wall while the other holds his chest and clutches onto the fabric of his shirt, as if trying to push his heart back into place. He feels dizzy in the best way possible. 

Leo can't believe this is happening to him, but he's definitely not complaining. He vows to do everything in his power to keep Ara by his side for as long as the sun shines above their heads.

Next Chapter ->

Taglist.

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[spacemagicandlaserswords]

The Clone Wars and Rebels

I mentioned this in my previous post and have been meaning to write about it in more detail.

I've never actually watched The Clone Wars or Rebels.

Not intentionally, it just sort of never happened. TCW was first released during a weird and rough part of my life where a lot of other things were going on and for many reasons past me was focused on other things. I'm not entirely sure where, or even if, I would've been able to watch TCW when it first came out. I think it might've been picked up by one of the TV channels but I'm not sure and I don't think streaming was a big thing yet back in 2008. I'm also pretty sure both TCW and Rebels would've been marketed as "animated kids TV shows' so I'm guessing past me just took it at read that it wasn't a show aimed at me. Ooh, how wrong I was. (I've got more thoughts about the whole "kids show" thing but that's for another time.)

Even though I've never watched TCW or Rebels, I still know the general gist of what happens. It's a bit hard to not be spoiled for a show that premiered 15 years ago. Plus, I have a frustrating tendency to spoil things for myself in my need to understand and find out everything about a particular topic if my brain latches onto it (dammit ADHD brain). So I know who Rex and Cody and Ashoka all are and I know how TCW ends and what happens at the end of Rebels. But I have no emotional connection to all these characters and stories, which is what I'm sad about the most.

Every time Rex or Cody appear or are even just briefly mentioned in The Bad Batch, people go absolutely completely and utterly bonkers. I can clearly see that they, and many others, are beloved characters and I'm sad that I'm not a part of that. That I missed out on desperately waiting for each new episode each week, devouring it when it aired and then excitedly screaming into the internet void about whatever just transpired. That I missed out on growing to love these characters and following their stories. That I missed out on experiencing all of this when it happened and am continuing to miss out on experiencing this as it continues in The Bad Batch.

A really good example of this is Echo. People seem to go absolutely postal about him but I'm just sitting here going "yeah I like the guy but why the reaction?" Of course, I now know why. I read about what happened to him but I never experienced or watched it. And I miss that. This is not to say that I don't like Echo. I absolutely do. Echo girlies please do not come for me. Tbh I think I may end up turning into an Echo girlie, especially after his very commanding voice, leadership and general badassery at the start of 'Tipping Point'.

Another example is when Zeb very briefly appeared in the most recent episode of The Mandalorian. People lost their absolute minds and I'm sitting here going, "who?". As I'm apparently incapable of not spoiling myself, I've since read up about Zeb, and then found out about Kallus and oh no, I just know this is a ship I'm going to fall into and be obsessed with. Good luck future me. Fare thee well. Enjoy it while it lasts.

So having never watched these beloved shows, it means I'm missing out on so much of the fandom reactions, relationships, emotions and how much these characters and their stories mean to everyone. And I don't want that to be the case. I want to know Rex and Cody and Ashoka and the 501st and the 212th and Jesse and Fives and Hera and Kanan and Zeb and Kallus and everyone else that I can't list because I'm trying to not spoil myself too much.

TCW and Rebels have been on my To Watch list for a while and recently, I was finally able to start watching The Clone Wars. I'm still only on Season 1 and was up to episode 18 'Mystery of a Thousand Moons' before I a) became hyperfixated on The Bad Batch and b) decided to pause watching TCW so I could come back to the series later on and properly enjoy watching it. And I am enjoying what I've watched so far! I've already got plenty of thoughts so I think I'll put those all together in another post before I dive back into watching TCW and then Rebels after that.

Because that's what I want to do with both of these beloved series. I'm watching them for the first time and I really want to savour and enjoy it. I'm going to be watching The Clone Wars and Rebels for the first time. I'm never going to get that experience ever again. I could just binge them all in one massive sitting but I don't think that would do the shows justice or be as enjoyable. I can't wait until each new episode is released each week like they were when they were initially released but I can enjoy them in my own way.

Which is why I want to turn my first watch through of these shows into my own little project. Something purely for me, for my experience and for me to enjoy and look forward to. I don't have much, if anything, left to enjoy or look forward to anymore so I'm going to grasp on to what little I can. And in this case, its watching The Clone Wars and Rebels for the first time.

I had planned on jumping straight back into it after The Bad Batch Season 2 finale but I think I'm going to need a while now to deal with and try to process everything that happened in that. But when the time is right, hopefully sometime SoonTM, I'll get back into watching The Clone Wars. My plan is to watch an episode and then write a reaction post with my thoughts/opinions/theories/general screeching about said episode. Once I've finished, I'll have this archive, a collection of posts and writing that capture the first time I watched The Clone Wars and Rebels.

I'm getting all happy and teary just thinking about it.

Given the large gap between season 1 and 2 of The Bad Batch, I'm hoping to be able to finish watching TCW and Rebels before the (hopeful) premiere of season 3 of The Bad Batch (please let there be a season 3, there's got to be a season 3, please). It'll also help the references that appear in other Star Wars shows actually mean something to me. I'm really going to need to have finished watching TCW and Rebels before watching Ashoka otherwise it just won't mean as much to me, and I don't want to miss out on that either.

I can't imagine there are many people left in the fandom that have yet to watch The Clone Wars and Rebels. While it does mean that I've missed out on so much, I'm also excited about it. I'm fully aware that there are going to be rough episodes (2008 animation is, well, dated) and that my emotions are going to be destroyed by Filoni et al. but I'm also really looking forward to it. To meeting all the clones and other characters and getting to know them. To learning their stories and going on adventures with them.

I get to watch The Clone Wars and Rebels for the first time. And I'm really looking forward to it. It's given me something to look forward to for the first time in a very long time.

[resmarted]

don't say it. don't muddle my mind with your logic and crush me under the weight of what is probable or actual or real. have i not suffered enough? let me lucid dream my way through this tiny little life of mine and swim through the chaos with a seamless ease. i am still hopeful despite my world constantly being painted black, the curtains closing around like a tomb adorned with graffiti tags by reckless children, salt in the wound and pepper in the cut. and i know what you're thinking, i know i do that thing where i fall head over heels infatuated by the idea of someone, leaping without looking and freefalling into a dreamscape of my own making, but this time! this time i swear! i swear i will never move on again. i feel startled in my own body and enveloped by my obsession, my skin red hot and my heart skipping in such a restless way that feels like i am going to start screaming at any moment. i know i know i KNOW, what is WRONG with me. in my defense, i don't know that it's always as unrequited as much as it is so rare someone matches my own intensity and boundless ways of bulldozing into someone's life, hatching eggs in their brain and weeping at their door for mercy. but it truly is getting concerning at this point that i can't seem to move forward from here, and not even in that sort of, you know, that whole my life is so out of control that i need to escape into something warm and safe kind of way. i mean maybe there's a little bit of that, but not anywhere near the degree where i once was. this is more like, how will i ever see anyone again now that i have seen you? how am i supposed to sort of just wade through empty conversations with a deadened stare for the rest of my life now, what is the point of anything anymore? yes, very dramatic indeed.

what a strange turn of events this summer has been. the last twelve months alone have felt like a thousand years and i can't seem to make sense of any of it. the room is spinning and i feel drunk in a gaze that holds me captive long after the break in contact. i was so sure i would be happy on my own forever, that i would be young and free and wild until the end of my days, and i would never answer to or belong to anyone. no one has ever impressed me enough, and when they do they are safely at a distance that i can't reach, so there's often the comfort of anonymity behind the fourth wall. i once thought if i was with someone as isolated as i am it would somehow make me feel less lonely, but it wasn't a cure as much as a way to further alienate me, something that has taken years to undo. so rarely is there someone unafraid of the attention i receive or strong enough in themselves to not feel threatened by any degree of impact or influence i may carry. it is hard to differentiate someone's desire to control and manipulate you with seemingly normal reactions born out of genuine love. it took so long to realize a person's instinct to be jealous and possessive is more about their own desire for that same attention than anything else. and i do think it can be a normal reaction to an extent, one i would never provoke intentionally, but it can take a dark turn quickly and suddenly the person you thought was protective over you becomes someone you need protection from.

i have been made of stone for so long. my soul has been buried in bricks and my heart a dead weight under stormy clouds. it's so rare to see the sunshine, to feel the warmth of a real beacon of light and not just fluorescent imitation. you know the kind, too easy and real impressed with themselves, a glow disguising ill intent and vicious toward the open hearted. i have been attacked by so many fake smiles and artificial light i'd rather hunker down in my coffin until the weather changes again. we take the good with the bad and the rotten and the evil until it seems like there's none left, certainly not enough to thrive in this darkness. i wait on the back burner for people to decipher the lies they have been fed about me, to awaken to the reality or at least figure out the bare minimum of truth, and it feels like it will never fully emerge. and then you see someone good, like really truly good, with a light so pure and a mind so clean that it feels like the rest of it isn't even there. i can't see anything but this single flame bright enough to power a city full of skyscrapers.

and then you return to a pitch black vortex of greed. you are back to dodging emotional gluttony and toxic pleasantries on a nonstop basis but this time you can really see it, faced with it in a way so confrontational now more than ever because all you can think of is this person with the effervescent shine. now my days are filled with wondering what you're doing and what are you thinking and where are you going and what will you do later, i wanna know all of it all the time. tell me everything. tell me what it's like to lock me into your smile and how heavy the weight of being so deeply adored must feel on your shoulders. paint a picture of what it's like to be surrounded all the time by people so desperate for your approval, so sickeningly competitive for you to notice them, to feel seen by the unflinching gaze of someone so unapproachable and magnetic. the way they worship and fear you must be a passing breeze, i wonder if even makes a sound anymore. it's always been the opposite for me, everyone is easy to impress when they all underestimate you. people don't hold their breath when i walk into a room and it would probably nauseate me if they did. i don't command attention as much as i trip and fall into it, clumsy and clunky and never exactly sure what i'm doing there. you walk with purpose and i feel so much less sure of myself on most days, like i have to convince myself into a sense of confidence out of survival. i don't know that i'll ever feel whole, like there will always be a piece of me missing that i can never find no matter how many ways i find to fill it. i don't want to put that responsibility on anyone and have sort or just resigned to this idea that i will always be a little empty to some extent. and it's whatever, like i made peace with it long ago, i don't ever see it going away completely. but so strangely, so terribly eerie in its unavoidable contentment, i am awakened to the idea that there are parts of me i never thought would come alive again now tingling like a limb returning from a numb state. if i didn't know better, and technically i don't, i'd say you're rude for startling me out of such a dense slumber.

i wish people i am supposed to care about were able to do this, instead of these wishy washy conditional modes of affection where i am at the center of some endless game of does she deserve it? in which people decide on a day to day basis whether or not love should be available to me and if i am starved for it then it must be my fault and should i be so lucky to receive it i ought to be grateful and nothing but ferociously in debt to such emotionally generous aristocrats. i keep people at arm's length because if you saw what they did once they get close enough, even you would have a hard time trying to stomach it. no one feels remorse until they sense a rise in popularity coming and they don't want the shame of being discovered as less than pious. people seem to prefer me in the dog days and there's a discomfort in any sense of shine above their own. it's depressing. i've seen people reveal themselves time and time again to the point where old friends are a distant memory and new ones are locked behind several firewalls. i stay up at night wondering if i will die alone and untrusting, constantly fearful of everyone around me despite remaining safe behind steel barriers i built from the ground up. i get perplexed by these obsessive thoughts and ultimately ghost everyone because it's safer to be alone, at least i am used to all the ways i hurt myself and don't need to anticipate anyone else doing it for me. i think about what it would be like to know you the way your mother knows you, to learn each piece of your sweet mind, and there's this soothing quality to spacing out to these ideas of you. i wish i had better coping mechanisms, that i could be softer in the moment and not just in these fantastical versions of who i want to be after i've had time to process it. i want to be carried out of my own exhaustion like a burning building and to let everything that has ever hurt me turn to ash in a far off distance. i am so tired from being so deeply alone in this life and too scared to let anyone in close enough. we take turns freefalling into the unknown and i bounce off you like a safety net i didn't know i needed. i am the bravest i have felt in so long now like a soldier in a fever dream.

[recalibr8]

The Mot Just-ice

“You are quite political, aren’t you”

I think I’d been ranting for a few minutes between patients, medical notes in one hand, Mrs Potato Head in the other. My trainee was being politely nervous. Again. Packing up the wax crayons, I reflected it might not be her but might be me. And this election. I decided to diffuse and find something to be outraged about on Facebook. I found this.

‘NHS bosses accused of gagging staff during election campaign:

Staff say some trusts have gone too far in applying rules on political impartiality. Health workers have been told not to get involved in any political debates on social media during the campaign. NHS organisations have also banned staff from appearing in uniform or featuring any of their equipment, such as an ambulance, in their online posts or profiles’

https://amp.theguardian.com/society/2019/nov/17/nhs-bosses-accused-of-gagging-staff-during-election-campaign

Turns out the NHS guidance on communication standards during the election is out and Trusts have personalised their guidance. https://www.england.nhs.uk/wp-content/uploads/2019/11/general-election-guidance-letter-001254.pdf

You’ll see the introduction actually uses the word ‘Purdah’. Anyway, these are the highlights.

‘-the day to day operations of the NHS must continue unimpeded;

- as always, the NHS must act and be seen to act with political impartiality, and its resources must not be used for party political purposes; and

- during the election period, democratic debate between candidates and parties should not be overshadowed by public controversy originating from NHS bodies themselves

You should ensure your organisation and staff behave impartially towards all candidates and political parties, and do not influence the election outcomes, whether inadvertently or intentionally.’

In fairness, given this I can see why Trusts put out some draconian guidance.

And there’s this...

‘Social media and web: Nothing contentious should be posted on your website or social media accounts. Updates/posts, including blogs, should only convey essential factual information.’

Gulp.

Ok, that night Maria Condo’d my social media. Salted it. Bonfire of the inanities. Took ages. Turns out I AM political.

But then I read a bit further...

‘Staff activism: NHS employees are free to undertake political activism in a personal capacity but should not involve their organisation or create the impression of their organisation’s involvement.’

Confused, I went out to friends and it turns out one isn’t just a good bloke and fellow Doctor Who obsessive but is the Digital Communications Manager at NHS England and NHS Improvement. Alright! So who better to guide us through this because frankly being Neutral Janet on Facebook is driving me back to drink. https://thegoodplace.fandom.com/wiki/Neutral_Janet

So what are we all asking? Here are some questions from a range of doctors. Being doctors, some are statements. Obviously!

1. Basically if you ever relate a broader political point to your personal experience as a doctor, I.e. talking about knowing that waiting times are going up because this is the data or your experience from your workplace, does this count as "criticism of your local organisation" that would get you into trouble? If we are not allowed to use our personal experience it effectively gags us, and also removes one of the most effective campaigning tools we have. Most people don't care about data, but they will be swayed by a personal story (even the daily mail suddenly got briefly sympathetic to immigrants once they had some photos of people washed up on a beach).

2. For me, never before has the role of doctor been more important as 'activist'. Let's call it 'doctorvist'. At a time when the Home Secretary tells us angrily that child poverty has nothing to do with her (https://www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/politics/priti-patel-poverty-government-blame-austerity-general-election-tories-a9211741.html), political problems become medical in the end - childhood poverty has a medical consequence that affects an individual's life course. We see this first hand don’t we have a duty to share?

3. I have a sneaky interest in public health and most of what really needs to be done is at broader policy / political level . The FPH website is full of this sort of thing . I never see why we can't share objective data to highlight issues pertaining to health . Wasn't that also part of the message of the last State of Child Health?

4. My question is: if we want to use social media to share personal opinion or for doctor activism, how far can we go with what we post or share? At the moment I’m not even sure whether it’s ‘allowed’ to share a published opinion piece. Can we comment on political posts that we disagree with?

5. ...there are organisations with a vested interest in keeping NHS staff quiet...is there?

6. Having worked for an NHS trust on comms, the answer is totally dependent on the individual trust and its policies and levels of conservatism. Why?

And here, are the answers. As far as anyone can.

“Hi Serena,

So, basically, of course you can be an activist for Labour (or any other political party), as long as in a personal capacity).Doctors are all over Labour campaign materials. As long as everything is related to your personal experience, then that's fine.

And of course you can use data. That's all in the public domain anyway, so if you say, 'I've seen waiting times go up etc etc, therefore I'm voting Labour, no one can have a problem with that.

That problem would come if you said, every doctor I know is voting Labour because waiting times went up, or if you claimed that was the view of your trust or hospital.

I would add the caveat, that your own employer may have issued different guidance, I can only speak for the national guidance sent out by NHSE and NHSI.

*TOP TIPS TOP TIPS TOP TIPS*

1. Be yourself.

2. Use active and engaging language.

3. Make content accessible (we work in healthcare after all), so use alt text on photos, subtitles on videos etc.

4. Don't get into arguments online. No one has ever changed their mind in a twitter argument, so you're just wasting your breath.

5. Share best practice in your trust. We need to spread good work across trusts, and the more that happens, the better for patients, basically.

In summary, you do you, follow the GMC guidance obviously (don’t defame, don’t identify patients or staff, talk only as yourself not your Trust and bottom line, don’t put the trust people have in doctors in danger https://www.gmc-uk.org/-/media/documents/personal-beliefs-and-medical-practice_pdf-58833376.pdf?la=en&hash=BD5B72478B48DBC6A09E4787EC7C525F6050B62E)

Please, stay in touch with me about your adventures. I’d love to publish your media journeys. It’s could be fun. It’s could be surprising and beware subliminal messaging. Very obviously, tell everyone lots about benefits or unfortunate results.

Serena x

‘