#oana would kill me otherwise

[peanutseagle]

i love hooky i wish magic was real

[booksoanahasread]

Wrap Up 2020

Welcome to my first calendaristic year review of books. I know that normally I just review books and I rarely post anything else, which I find to be the right thing to do, after all this is a blog about books that I’ve read. 

This year, however, I’ve decided to write a post about my year in books, somewhat like what you would find on Goodreads. I want to tell you all about my favourite and least favourite books from this year, but I can’t do a top ten list, I would much rather tell you about some of the books. 

These books are in no particular order, because I find I can’t quite rank books all that well. Here are some of the books that I loved: 

Three Dark Crowns by Kendare Blake. 

It’s just a wonderful fantasy book that I fell in love with, especially the fact that it is a matriarchal society. I haven’t read anything quite like it.

Clockwork Angel by Cassandra Clare

I’m not sure why I decided to start this series, but I’m glad I did. You can easily fall in love with the characters and fast-paced action. 

Serpent and Dove by Shelby Mahurin 

I devoured this book and you might as well. I adore the enemies to lovers trope and in this novel it is executed brilliantly. 

Scythe by Neal Shusterman

A dystopian future where humans have cured all diseases and it is almost impossible to die. Doesn’t it sound promising? It is one of the most amazing series I’ve read and I hope that next year I’ll get my hands on the last book.

Ignite Me by Tahereh Mafi 

While the first book was hard to get through, this one was absolutely amazing. I loved the love triangle and subject matter was fascinating. 

Anna and the French Kiss by Stephanie Perkins

Who doesn’t love a good romance story set in Paris? This book was heart-warming and gripping. It was also the first ebook I read this year. 

Again but Better by Christine Riccio

If you’ve met me in real life, I’ve probably gushed about how good this book is. I loved the author’s style and the way it was structured, I loved the travels described in the book and the life of a student learning abroad. 

Red, White & Royal Blue by Casey McQuiston

This was a light read that left me with a smile on my face. I can see why it won a Goodreads choice award in 2019. I loved the representation and the political theme. 

Fangirl by Rainbow Rowell

I reread this book in December with no clue what actually happened in the novel. I loved this book probably as much as the first time I read it. The depth with which the author portrays the characters is wonderful. 

 Love Her Wild by Atticus

I didn’t read that many poetry books or anthologies this year, but this one is clearly the best. It gives you hope and makes you feel in love, the short poems don’t follow classic structures, therefore it packs a punch. 

Sapiens. A Graphic History. The Birth of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari, David Vandermeulen, Daniel Casanave

This is easily one of the best nonfiction books I’ve ever read. It is very informative but also entertaining and I loved it. 

Heartstopper by Alice Oseman

This series was incredibly heart-warming, easy-to-read, and enjoyable. I really hope more people read these books because they are phenomenal and adorable. 

 The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde

This was one of the most fascinating books of the year, even though it was quite short. I loved the whole premise of the portrait that changed due to the sins that Dorian committed. 

Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen

This was a reread and I finally gave this book a fair shot. I ended up changing my opinion and falling in love with Mr. Darcy and Elizabeth Bennet. I loved Jane Austen’s sarcastic tone in the book, it was incredible. 

 Hamlet by William Shakespeare

How can you possibly forget this story? It is haunting but also hilarious at the same time. Although it is a tragedy, the play has many moments where the audience can laugh. I found the whole premise interesting and the fact that the main character being kidnapped by pirates was a minor aspect of it made the novel all the more ingenious. 

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee

I found the point of view from which it is told rather odd, but otherwise this is a solid book that should be read. The way it talks about racism in America is compelling and the intrigue with Bo is also fun. 

 Eleanor Oliphant Is Completely Fine by Gail Honeyman

I found this book to be absolutely riveting. The unreliable narrator was incredible and the way you piece together slowly, but surely what the past was truly like was unrivalled. 

The Little Paris Bookshop by Nina George

I was supposed to go to Paris this year with my family and because of the pandemic we had to cancel. Although, reading this book did make me feel as if I were there, it had magically transported me across the continent and I loved it. 

 A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab

I loved the whole premise of multiple Londons that are linked together. The magical system was wonderful and I loved reading this series so much. The characters are lovable and relatable. 

The Invisible Library by Genevieve Cogman 

This is a love letter to books and I adored it. I still think about it. The worlds that we are introduced to are astonishing and the action is impressive.

On the other side of the spectrum, here are some books I couldn’t quite stand, without describing them: 

It Ends with Us by Colleen Hoover

The Problem with Forever by Jennifer L. Armentrout

Twisted Palace by Erin Watt

My Oxford Year by Julia Whelan 

Reflecting on this year is something that is necessary before 2021 comes. I read eighty books, some I loved and some I hated. I hope that by this time next year, I will have read fifty books and loved a lot of them. 

Dear reader, I hope you’ve had a year with as many moments of joy as possible. I hope that you’ve read books that have made you feel so much more than bored. I hope that you fell in love with at least one book. Thank you so much for reading my reviews this year and I hope they helped you a little, or at least entertained you. We will see each other in the new year, where I hope we read as many books as possible. 

Sending love to all of you!

Oana. 

[zoemurph]

blistering feet, ch2: warm up

on ao3  1

yup i dont know anymore. hope youre having a good week, im suffering and college is horrific

tw: panic attack. a lot is the same as that first day of school scene through waving through a window, so keep that in mind

Evan knows his mother means well, but he’s also pretty sure she’s somehow out to kill him.

Which isn’t true! She’s trying her best and works long hours and pays for all his classes and therapy and medication and he’s just a burden that— that’s a huge expense. Which is why Evan can’t understand why over the summer she brought up moving dance studios to a more expensive one (even if it’s a little closer). He also can’t understand why she wants him to compete.

Competition is terrifying. And the idea of it makes him want to throw up. His hands start getting sweaty and his breathing gets shallow and everything gets bad.

His mom had said something about putting himself out there in his last year of high school. Doing things he fears and going outside his comfort zone.

Evan doesn’t know how to tell her that everything is outside his comfort zone.

Which is why instead of thinking about the fact that he has his first class at the new studio in two days or writing a letter like Doctor Sherman always wants him to, he’s laying in bed scrolling through some dance forum Jared signed him up for a while back.

Most of the posts and threads don’t get much of a reaction from him— some people are very open about where they dance and use the forum to discuss classes and teachers and (if bribed correctly) studio secrets, but Evan tries to remain as anonymous as possible. He doesn’t have a name on his profile, his username has no indication of who he is, his icon is the silhouette of a dancer doing an arabesque against a tree, and the most anyone can tell about his location is his timezone. The only one who knows who he is is Jared.

Jared, who created an account for Evan, which Evan immediately deleted because he couldn’t figure out how to change the username and he could not have a username like that. Surprisingly and thankfully, Evan’s online persona is one of the few secrets Jared has managed to keep.

Evan rolls his eyes when he comes across of Jared’s posts.

(5:32 pm) yalikejazz: FUCK ballet ↳ (5:47 pm) checkyourattitude: Fuck you

After posting his response, Evan goes back to scrolling. The posts kind of blur together into a mess of advice, complaining, and screaming about song choices that no one can share without studio heads get angry. He’s squinting at a really long rant about fake eyelashes from someone with the username ‘fondueforfrogs’ when he gets a text from Jared.

From: here comes that boi To: fake friend      i know your username evan fuck you too

From: fake friend To: here comes that boi       I know you d o

From: here comes that boi To: fake friend       ha ha very funny       i had tech today so fuck off

Evan rolls off his bed. He hasn’t stretched in a few days and being in pain during warm up doesn’t sound like a great way to start at a new studio. If he can minimize the things he has to worry about, that’d be great.

From: fake friend To: here comes that boi       Id rather  be in tech than in a ocmpetition class

Evan is perfectly content spending the rest of his days privately practicing solos in the studio. One recital a year was bad. At least one competition a month during the season is too much.

From: here comes that boi To: fake friend       yeah but youre fucking weir d

Evan rolls his eyes and leans down and touches his toes. He lays the phone on the floor in front of him so he can still see Jared’s messages as he stretches. He turns his feet out into first position and does a slow demi plié, stretching out his back as much as possible. Something in his back pops and with a sigh, Evan stretches a little further.

From: here comes that boi To: fake friend       comps are great you get to spend an entire weekend wiht me

Evan ignores Jared’s text until he’s sitting on the floor stretching out his hamstrings.

From: fake friend To: here comes that boi       Yeah that sound s like a lot of fun       I sitll blame you and  your moms for thi s

Jared’s moms always go on and on about how great competitive dance has been for Jared. Whenever they talk about it, Jared rolls his eyes and calls them dramatic, but Evan knows better. Jared always seems happier after he’s spent long periods of times with dance friends. A group that Evan is now awkwardly edging in on.

Him and Jared aren’t actual friends, they’re just family friends.

From: here comes that boi To: fake friend       fuck off im super fun       dude i t might suck but youll get over it       its really not that bad       plus itll make your mom happy

Evan leaves the texts on read and works on his oversplits.

 Walking to the studio kind of sucks, but the shorter walk actually makes it worse. Now, Evan can get to the studio faster. And everything can go horribly wrong faster.

When he opens the studio door, he’s welcomed by a waiting room filled with loud elementary schoolers and their parents.

All classes start today, that includes non competitive classes.

Evan weaves his way through the yelling children to the front desk. “H-hi I’m um— I’m a competitive da-dancer? And...new so I’m just wondering where I—” He squeezes the strap of his bag and tries to stop himself from rambling.

The woman at the desk smiles. “Welcome to Elite, then, sweetheart. I’m Alyssa and I’m here most days if you ever need anything. I teach some of the babies.” She gestures to the kids running around the waiting room. “Most of the competition classes are in the extension of the studio.” She leans forward to point toward a set of stairs. “If you go up the stairs, there’s a room of cubbies where all the comp kids leave their things. Then if you go down the hall and to the left, you should see all the competition studios. They’re all labeled and there’s a schedule up in the cubby room that should tell you what studio to go to for what class. If you need any help, all the dancers are very nice and would be happy to show you where to go. Have a good class!”

Alyssa turns back to her computer and Evan has to take a moment to try and process all that information without freaking out.

Stairs. He can do stairs.

There’s no door on the entrance of the storage room. A few people are sitting on the floor, one stretching and the others scrolling on their phones while laughing about something Evan is not privy to.

He left early because he was anxious about being late, but now he’s anxious about being early. Perfect.

Evan takes out his ballet flats and puts his bag in a cubby by the door and sits down as far away from the other people in the room as possible. Not that it helps.

“Are you new?” the girl who’s stretching asks suddenly.

Evan looks up with a jolt, noticing that she is a lot closer now than she was before. “W-what?”

“New,” she repeats. “Are you new? I don’t recognize you.”

“I— yeah, yeah. I’m…new.” Evan ducks his head and hopes the conversation will end. He recognizes her from school — it’d be impossible not to considering she does everything — but it’s not surprising she doesn’t remember him. Evan isn’t sure if that’s a good or bad thing.

“I’m Alana.”

“Evan,” he mutters.

“What happened to your arm?” Alana asks.

Evan winces. “I uh— I broke it. I was climbing a tree…”

“Oh really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July.” Evan’s eyes widen. “That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said. Because then she died.”

Evan stares at her.

Is he supposed to respond to that? What’s the socially accepted way to react to someone you’ve just met telling you that?

Alana stands suddenly. “I have to go. Have a good class!” She steps around Evan and is gone.

Evan stares at the spot she was sitting in for a second before he pulls on his other ballet flat.

A bag is dropped onto the floor next to him and his heart almost leaps out of his chest.

“Hey nerd,” Jared says, tossing shoes into a cubby.

Evan takes a shallow breath. “H-hey.”

“Can’t believe you made it without getting hit by a car.”

Evan picks at his cast. “You’re— that’s not helping, Jared.”

“Yeah, yeah I get it.” Jared grabs Evan’s good arm and yanks him to his feet. Jared pats Evan’s cast. “How you doing, acorn?”

Evan furrows his eyebrows. “Can we, like, not call me that?”

Jared shrugs. “Think you can survive a few classes?”

“No.”

Jared snorts. “Brutal. If you can survive a class with Oana, you can survive anything.”

Evan thinks otherwise.

Jared pulls them away from the doorway and further into the storage room to let the other girls in the room out. “Seriously, get over it. We all suffer for our parents.”

“Ha, yeah but—”

Evan cuts himself off as someone stalks into the storage room, dumping his bag into a cubby without giving Evan or Jared a second glance.

Until Jared decides to open his mouth.

“Hey, Connor. Haven’t seen the hair down in a while and I’m loving the length. Very school shooter chic.”

Evan wants to die. More than usual.

Very slowly, Connor turns around. He stares at Jared with scary and almost empty looking eyes and Evan realizes he knows this Connor. Because this Connor is Connor Murphy, who’s been in Evan’s grade for years but Evan has avoiding for almost as long because Evan avoids everyone.

“I was kidding,” Jared says. “It was a joke.”

Evan can literally feel the floor opening up beneath him.

“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing.” Connor leans forward. “Can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you, Kleinman?” he hisses.

Jared laughs awkwardly. “You’re such a freak.” He darts around Connor and skids out the door.

Oh no.

Evan coughs. Laughs. Makes…some sort of noise. Because he’s panicking and doesn’t know what to do and his body is freaking out and everything is uncomfortable and awful and he doesn’t know how this day could go so bad so fast.

Connor’s eyes snap to him. “What the fuck are you laughing at?”

Evan freezes. “What?”

“Stop fucking laughing at me!” Connor snaps.

“I’m not—”

“You think I’m a freak?!”

“I wasn’t—”

“You’re the fucking freak!” Connor shouts. He shoves Evan back toward the wall. “Get the fuck to class.” Connor snatches his bag from the cubby and storms out of the room.

Evan stumbles backward until his back hits the wall. His knees give out and he crumples to the ground and his nails scratch at the plaster of his cast as he tries to figure out how breathing works again and he has class he has class he has class he has— 

“Are you okay?”

Evan’s eyes snap up and there’s Zoe Murphy. She’s frowning down at him with her hair tied up in a near perfect ballet bun and is offering a hand to him.

“I- I’m just—” Evan takes her hand and lets her help him up.

“Did something happen with my brother?” she asks, slipping a bag off her shoulder. “I just saw him storm out of here and— he can be awful. It’s probably best just to ignore him when he’s in a mood.”

“Oh.”

“Evan, right?” Zoe asks. “Jared mentioned you. I think I’ve seen you around at school.”

“Yeah. Evan. It’s Evan.” Evan rocks back on his heels.

“I’m Zoe.” She shoots him an awkward smile.

“I know,” he says quickly. “I-I mean I’ve— I went to a jazz band concert? I like jazz— I love jazz. Jazz band, not all jazz but jazz band. That’s so weird, I’m sorry.” Evan can hear Jared laughing at him in his mind.

Zoe gives him a sort of confused look as she puts away her bags and pulls out a waterbottle and her flats and pointe shoes. “Uh, okay? Are you…going to ballet with Oana?”

Evan nods.

“Same. Most of the senior comp kids are in it. The ballet classes are the biggest ones, since they aren’t competitive, they’re just required.” She gestures with her pointe shoes. “Do you know where the studio is?”

“N-no,” Evan admits, trying not to cringe.

Zoe smiles at him again and it’s a little like an angel is saving him. “Follow me.” 

—«·»—

After Oana’s class — it’s really not that bad, Evan has no idea what Jared’s problem with it is — Evan pulls out a notebook and rips out a piece of paper and scribbles out the beginnings of a letter before he can forget what he wants to say. Whenever Doctor Sherman asks “how did you feel this week?” Evan feels his mind blank, so despite the fact that he trashes most of his letters, they do help him sort of place his emotions throughout the week.

It doesn’t take too long for Zoe to show up in his words.