#npc: Father Ashax

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Day 4- Reticent FFXIV Write 2024

Reticent: not revealing one's thoughts or feelings readily.

“Viviane we are Noblewomen we should not cry at every funeral or sad moment in our life it gives those out to harm us the upper hand.” The words rolled off her tongue with surprising accuracy regarding how her Mother sounded when she launched into another lecture. 

It was just about Twelve Bells and she sat in the office of one Father Ashax at the Cathedral. She was quite good at being on time now and she enjoyed her weekly chats with the Priest, as they encouraged her to heal the more she expressed about her past. 

“I hear this type of upbringing occurred in Noble families rather consistently. A pity, expressing, our emotions is a rather important thing in life. We should be able to tell others if we are happy or sad. What happens when you try to communicate what you feel?” The older man with his silver-gray hair was in the process of pouring cups of Ishgardian Tea and adding this week's treat; rolanberry scones to the desert plate in the middle of the desk between them as he asked his question. Viviane often considered this his superpower as she could not fathom how it was done. 

“It feels like I am frozen in a block of ice, or someone has stolen my voice from my body and locked it away. I try to communicate how things make me feel, I can hear my inner voice put it in perspective for me. Physically I can express” Viviane paused for a moment, her cheeks flushing as she added on “I can have an entire conversation with my husbands sexually” She cleared her throat “And without saying a word during in the process. I feel broken and it all traces back to being told by my Mother to keep my feelings to myself that no one else needed to know them. 

Down, the Priest sat now, a soft sigh of relief came from taking the pressure off of his knees and relaxing back into the softness of the chair, his hands folding neatly on his desk to reveal his signet ring with Halone’s symbol on it. “You are not broken Viviane, you are reticent as are many of your peers. You were raised to be this way by a woman who had many reasons not to feel herself. She was a divorcee, her eldest child never saw adulthood and there was speculation that she was involved in her Parents’ murder. All of these things are excellent examples of events that teach us not to let others see how we feel.” 

Viviane stared across the desk, the fine line of her ruby-painted lips curling into a sneer that told the tale of how offended she was in the moment by the Priest defending her Mother's practices, but the watery blue eyes that held her gaze stopped her short, he had always been unbiased in all the conversations they had but he was also quick to point out when her hate for her Mother was clouding the truth and producing a reaction she would have otherwise suppressed in polite conversation. 

“Well, how do I learn not to be reticent?” The thought of being able to communicate how she felt vocally was both terrifying and exciting. She wanted to be able to speak up, share her thoughts, and express when someone hurt her feelings without the fear that doing so would cause those people to leave her. 

“You practice. You find people like myself that you can speak your mind to. I do this every day with my survivor groups from the Dragonsong War. They are often reticent as well, and I have seen many make full recoveries by letting their truths out.” It was then he reached out to grab a scone, one bite leaving a dusting of crumbs sprinkled on his mustache. 

“I will have you know this is a terrifying prospect, this speaking up for myself. Do you want to teach me to do that?” Viviane’s hand reached for a scone and brought it to her lips, a gentle bite causing fewer crumbs to appear on her lip than on the Priest’s. 

“Why yes Baroness, I do want to teach you to do that.” The priest offered her a small smile, pleased with where their conversation had arrived at its end.

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Day 28: Deleterious FFXIV Write 2024

Deleterious: Harmful often subtly or unexpectedly.

CW/TW: PTSD Recovery, Difficult Childhood, Mental Health Discussions.

“I have spent most of my life believing everything is my fault. That somehow I offended the other person, or I had to explain myself to them. Countless friendships, and relationships left in the dust behind me because I believed I was the problem.” 

Across the desk, the silver-haired priest gave her a look of sympathy. There were many times lately that he wanted to reach out to her, touch her hand, or even just rise from his seat and hug her, however, it was seen as unprofessional for one and her touch aversion would never allow such things. 

“You do know that is not the case, Viviane. Yes, we all have flaws that can contribute to arguments and falling outs with loved ones but we are never the only cause of something that doesn’t work out, as my Mother used to say to us when we were younger it takes two to waltz.”  

Bright blue eyes lifted from her hands where they had settled while the Priest spoke to her. He had the most calming of voices, and most of the time she found herself feeling better if she just stopped talking for a while and listened. “I never knew what to think, Father Ashax. I would look for problems that were not there. I would ask questions I did not need to. Even with Clement, I volunteer pieces of Ancient History that have no weight or bearing on how we feel about each other. I fear one day he will just stop loving me and be gone from my life like everyone else has gone from it.” Long fingers played with the lace on the hem of her woolen skirt, it was hard to sit still now, and even harder to breathe. Her chest felt tight, and her heart raced in her ears, and none of this felt good, right, or pleasant. 

“But yet you do not react this way with Kovalt. Do you know why that is Baroness? I am rather curious to hear your take on it.” He could see the anxiety rising in her, it was something he saw in his veterans of the Dragonsong all too often, his colleagues often referred to it as a traumatic stress syndrome that came from being in situations that were overwhelming or uncomfortable and that was the polite way of saying it. 

“Kovalt and I have known each other longer than Clement and I, even though we never spoke then I could see how he handled life and people in general. He is the sort to stay in touch, even when things have sailed down the river. Clement has been hurt as badly as I have been in my life and thus he closes doors quickly before someone can hurt him.” As she said it she tried to clear her throat, swallow, or do anything that would make it easier to breathe. There were even little shivers that ran along her skin now and she felt like every inch of her body hurt for some unknown reason. For the most part, she simply wanted to shirk into a tiny form of herself that no one else could see. 

“It is often quite difficult when two partners are both wrought with concerns from their past Viviane. It is also quite normal, yes you both have fears but look at facts, not the intrusive thoughts. You have been together for nearly two turns, you will be married for one turn in five moons. You make strides slowly, you just have to learn to let go.” leaning back in his chair then, Father Ashax steepled his fingers and lightly tapped them together in alternating patterns. “Trust in him, that is my best advice Viviane, I know that takes a lot, and you have more than enough in your past that makes you feel this way. It is those things that cloud your mind, not him.” 

Still, the woman fought for her breath, her stomach was in knots talking about these things, and she wanted to wring her hands with how distraught she felt at the moment. “I do trust him, I trust him and Kovalt more than I have trusted most people in my life, even my Brothers. Neither of them has ever treated me poorly and wrongly. Not like the others of my past who told me what I could or could not do. They have accepted me for me Father, and they smile as I grow and change. I have never been loved the way they love me.” her voice cracked, and her hand shook; finally she just reached for her smoking case to pull forth a cigarette to calm her rattled nerves. 

“Your past created for you what is called an anxious style of attaching to others in relationships. You worry that you will not make them happy, that you will not measure up to others that had been in their life, or simply put you believe yourself not good enough. This causes you to look for reassurance and at your worst, you can cause arguments out of your fears. Right now when you think of Clement, can you say you believe he loves you? Truthfully and honestly?” The good Father picked up his teacup and then took a long sip from it, he hated to push her so hard like this but in the long run, it would benefit her to hear herself speak her thoughts, instead of the intrusive voice that often poisoned words. 

“Yes” a soft smile appeared on her face “He is not a very emotional man, we share that trait as well. He can be very straight-faced and somber, but there are little things that he does that tell his truths. He is a busy man as I have told you, he takes great pride in his work and he goes to no end to keep learning, growing, and progressing. Those he loves and cherishes, he makes time for them and he doesn’t announce it either. He simply does it. That is how you know Clement cares for you. There are other things. He checks on you, pays little compliments, and reminds you to eat or to get plenty of rest. Truth is Father when he tells you he loves you that does not go away, it doesn’t just stop one day. He is not a fickle man. He will always love you, it is something you can believe in.” She took a drag from her cigarette then, blowing the rings carefully into the air, as she spoke the words had soothed her, the recognition of all of the positive things she had said about her relationship with Clement leaving her relieved. 

“The things you have working against you Viviane are a Father who left, a Mother who blamed you for it, and an ex-husband who treated you like property. The other factors, the cult and what happened to you there also figure in here. You prepare yourself for loss, you expect it, and thus you create it for yourself. One of the younger Priests who just took their vows calls it a self-fulfilling prophecy. He was lucky to get a Sharlayan education.” a smile of good humor appeared on his face then, the desire to make a remark in regards to new-fangled education lingering on his tongue, just behind it. 

“I think I understand.” the redhead said softly as she leaned forward, snuffing out her cigarette in the glass ashtray on the Priest’s desk and then reaching for her now-cooled tea., her mouth dry from the clove that was in the cigarette among other things that were secretly rolled into the tobacco. “Each one of those events you mentioned stacked on top of each other to create a larger problem until they seamlessly became one problem that I could not take apart.” the maturity in her voice startled her for a moment, then a bright smile appeared on her face. 

“My advice is to not look at why a person did this or that. Use what you know Viviane, you can heal all of those wounds by just asking yourself ‘Why did I react this way?’ The priest's fingers moved in air quotes around the words as he said them. “Let others live and be themselves. It will improve things vastly for you in many ways.”