#now the dm is managing us for the time being which is horrifying bc shes so out of touch

[erebius-moved]

ur never gonna believe whose great working situation exploded before noon yesterday, again (its me)

[thetradeway]

Session 40 10 Apr 2021: Thunderbuns and Timothy P. Fuckapple

Sophie and Matthew are on their way back from somewhere, so we start a little later than advertised.

Quick recap - where were we? Most of us were having dinner with Mirt, Kessler had left, and also Tarragon not long after, having made Brother Charity wear her drink.

Tarragon arrives back at the Dagger and Kessler has her translate what she managed to scribble down of Carl’s book:

The rest eventually arrive back, in various states of drunkenness. We have eaten, so the DM exempts us all from hangovers. Yay!

Brother Charity, Matthew tells us, had all the sinful posh foods including foie gras.

Joe has added character sheets for the baby flumph, and Simon the mouse who has rat stats (including a whole hit point!) but is not a rat. Did Gideon add a flumph pouch to his sleeve? Yes, his friend Bromrick helped him make one.

Okay, so! Are we all in the taproom, and does Kessler want to share what she learned about Carl? She wants to have a quiet word with Brother Charity about it. She’ll have a time of it, Matthew says; Brother Charity has wedged a chair under his door handle so he can be undisturbed while he calms Brother Carl down.

Sophie, OOC: “He’s dead, how calm do you want him? Resting heart rate of zero beats per minute!”

Kessler knocks on Brother Charity’s door. He ignores it. “He has to come out at some point!” Or she could just tell the party we’ve been bringing a zombie around with us, or tell the bar staff he’s been keeping dead animals in his room. Still nothing. (Matthew, OOC: “Riveting game playing, isn’t it?”)

The rest of us make Perception checks, Ahleqs rolls the best as he is perpetually on edge waiting for danger, even in his sleep. We all roll well enough to hear Kessler banging on Charity’s door. Ahleqs listens at his door to see what the exasperated goblin sounds are about. He opens his door and asks her what she’s doing; she says she wanted a word with Brother Charity.

She makes a Perception check - she can’t hear anything coming from Brother Charity’s room. She turns back to Ahleqs and asks him to go and get Gideon and she will get the rest of us. She wants us all to meet in her room.

He does as he’s told, and goes and knocks on Gideon’s door. He throws it open; he is wearing his little jammies.

Ahleqs: “Kessler’s being weird.”

Gideon: “And?”

We gather in her room. What has she woken us up at this ungodly hour for?

She tells us about the Identify spell - Brother Carl is under the influence of an Animate Dead spell. None of us are especially shocked by this news. She says Brother Charity won’t speak to her.

Ahleqs notes that Charity seemed upset because we haven’t really given him a chance.

Kessler says that Carl told her Charity ‘saved’ him. Gideon doesn’t seem worried, he just wishes Charity had been honest about it!

Do we think Carl can communicate, has he perhaps told Charity that Kessler knows? It’s a possibility.

We should hear him out before we burn him. We’ll wait for him to come down to breakfast and ask him about it. Wait, let’s check and make sure they haven’t done a runner. Melaina climbs out of the window in Kessler’s room and around the outside of the Dagger to Charity’s room to see if he’s in there. She looks into the room - which is empty. The window is closed, so he likely didn’t go out that way.

He’s scarpered! We go downstairs to ask the bar staff if they’ve seen him.

Well we don’t have to ask, because the Brothers are in the taproom eating breakfast. Well, shit. Okay so maybe they didn’t scarper.

Ahleqs, nervously: “Good morning, normal to see you.”

Brother Charity calls us straight away on Kessler’s investigation; Ahleqs asks why he didn’t just tell us Carl was dead. Well it’s not a great opener with a new group of people, Charity explains.

Besides, we’re dragging Tarragon around with us.

Tarragon: “… Excuse me?”  

Charity: “She came back from the dead, I don’t see the difference.”

Tarragon, indignant: “I’m not literally rotting!”

We have judged Carl, so we must be experts on his condition, yes? We know everything there is to know? Charity asks.

Tarragon: “No, that’s why we’re asking!”

“I see.”

He insists he’s not a necromancer. He cast spells of the necromantic variety, but so did the Unicorn to resurrect Tarragon -

Gideon, out of the blue: “How does the group feel about summoning demons?”

Us: “ - …”  

Kessler goes to the bar; it’s too early for this conversation.

(BC is smiling and drinking his coffee as we have a sidebar about this.)

Tarragon asks Charity to enlighten us about Carl’s condition.

He shows us a piece of paper with a drawing on it by Carl, of all of us holding hands.

He says that Carl was horrified when Kessler demanded he undress her and threatened to kill him.

Kessler lets slip that she was born in a human household, while Charity is berating her by openly making assumptions about goblins, the way we’re making assumptions about Carl.

Tarragon asks about how he came to animate Carl; he says he found his corpse in a field and cast a spell on it. Carl had been bitten by a snake, and Charity happened upon him. He says his previous zombie had been eaten by a bear.

Wait, his previous zombie? When did he start raising zombies?

Two hundred and three years ago.

“Are you undead?”

No!

How did he come to raise zombies two hundred or so years before he was born?

He says that’s an interesting story, and he might tell us if we share something about ourselves. He starts by turning to Ahleqs, while Kessler goes to the bar and orders a keg of everything and as much food as they can bring to our table.

Jirr, seeing her approach: “Gonna be one of those, huh?”

It’s a bit early for Charity, he’ll stick with coffee. (Not at all like Matthew, who will have a PINT OF WHISKEY! That’s roleplaying for you.)

Charity asks about Ahleqs’s wild magic; what would he say was the most significant event to happen to him other than the acquisition of his magical powers on the day he discovered he had them?

Ahleqs stares into middle distance. He says that’s when he escaped; he never found out why they did it to him, but he’s not going back.

Woah.

(Charity tries to backpedal, and offers Ahleqs a scotch.)

Before Ahleqs can elaborate, his amulet starts to pulse and Mr Pickles appears. He looks around the table and his gaze settles on Carl.

“What’s this?”

Ahleqs, relieved: “Mr Pickles will sort everything out.”

Mr Pickles sniffs Carl. Ahleqs says he’s just coming around to the idea that Carl might be okay.

Mr. Pickles, sniffily: “it’s nothing to be frightened of. It’s just magic. Low magic, but just magic.”

Charity: “How dare you!”

Mr. Pickles, ignoring him: “I have an offer for you and your friends, anyone who can cast arcane magic, from the temple. We have a mission that you and your team would be perfect for.” He will explain further, but not here.

Tarragon says she can’t cast arcane magic, can she come anyway? Yes, all can do the mission, but the reward only benefits arcane casters. (Tarragon says that’s fine - everyone here has helped her with stuff before.)  Mr. Pickles tells us to eat our breakfast and join him later.

Ahleqs talks about the glowing orb he found, which he thought at first was elf poo; it has stopped glowing now so he thinks it might be something else.

Melaina, nodding: “My poos don’t stop glowing.”

Ahleqs takes Carl’s picture and puts it in the bag of holding. Aww.

Charity comforts Carl as we leave, rubbing his back. “See, I told you no-one was going to kill you.”

Duncan, OOC: “Guys, I think I love Carl!”

Charity makes a Perception check; he is not shit-hot at these. He rolls a 15, perceiving a medium amount of things. He spots one of Mirt’s paper cranes; he immediately pockets it without drawing attention to it. (There is something for him in the handout section of his journal. He will read that anon.)

Tarragon rolls Perception as well; she sees a black cat looking at her. It goes “PSSST!” She shakes her head and keeps walking.

We walk back through the fancy part of town where we were last night, toward the House of Wonder.

Ahleqs has been to the House of Wonder before, yes? He leads us there, excitedly telling us all how good it is. This is the temple if the Goddess of Magic, in the middle of the Sea Ward. Mr. Pickles is waiting for us.

Ahleqs asks him, if he gets really good at magic, so he hardly ever kills any of his friends, can he have a set of those robes?

“Of course, my boy.”

Gideon takes a look at the pillars - at ADV because of his Stonecunning, which he is going to use EVERY session. They’re pulsing with magic. Can he do an arcana check?

Yes. at ADV as well. 26! He is going to fondle those stones until he unlocks all their secrets! They are conduits for magic. Each pillar channels a different form, adding to the ambient magic in the temple.

We have to peel him off the stone at this point. “What are we here for, again? Missions! Yes!” 

Mr Pickles, somehow raising one eyebrow at Gideon even though he doesn’t have any: “Are you done?”

Gideon, still looking longingly at the pillars: “Yes.”

Mr. Pickles says there have been developments in the Shadow Weave. He would like us to undertake a journey to Candlekeep to find a book. Are we familiar with the Castle of Tomes?

Ahleqs makes a History check. He is from Baldur’s Gate so he can do it at ADV. 14; he has heard of it but never been there. It’s the greatest repository of knowledge in the world, guarded by monks. People come from all over to seek knowledge.

Do we just ask them for this book?

Mr Pickles asks Charity if he’s been to Candlekeep before; he has, once or twice. As he knows, the monks require a gift for entry; a book that is not already in their possession.

Melaina: “We could write one!”

Sadly this probably won’t work as they are stringent about the quality of the books they accept, and Mr. Pickles doesn’t know how we would get a good one. His head priest will write us a letter which should convince the monks to let us have the one we want to take away, but we must find a book that will be acceptable to the monks in order to gain entry.

Hmm.

Poetry, arcane arts, history, all of these would be acceptable. Erotic fiction? Ahleqs knows where we can find a lot of that.

Mr Pickles wants to talk about the reward; Charity already has a familiar, he says. (Does he mean Carl?) Would any of the arcane casters like a bond with such a creature? Ahleqs brings out Simon. “I already have one.”

Melaina says she would like ‘a little aminal...’

Mr. Pickles says they could bind Simon to Ahleqs as a familiar so that if something happens to him, he could be brought back. (Mouse Frumpkin!) He thinks Simon would love that; yeah, let’s do that.

Mr Pickles leads him to a chamber - Ahleqs skips after him, he’s so excited.

Ahleqs can add Find Familiar to his spell list - it will only summon Simon, and Mr Pickles will show him how to cast it as a ritual.

Mr Pickles offers the same to Gideon, for his flumph; he accepts.

Mr Pickles returns again and offers Kessler a familiar. She’s not sure she should keep a pet; she’d probably lose it.

Charity and Ahleqs both say “Or eat it” at the same time. Ahleqs holds his hand up for a high five; Charity is briefly confused before Ahleqs explains the concept of high fives. Charity feels included in the group for the first time, and accepts the high five.

Mr Pickles, ignoring all this, tells Kessler to trust him - this is a good idea. She finally agrees. Mr Pickles leads her into the ritual chambers and performs the ritual. Upon casting, a curious creature emerges from the portal created. It looks like a tiny clockwork beholder.

Mr. Pickles asks if Melaina wants a familiar - “Uhhh yes please that sounds awesome.”

She can choose which aminal she wants and let the DM know as and when, but she can add the spell now.

Joe goes to move on - and Sophie suddenly knows what she wants: “Weasel! Weasel!”

Weasel it is. :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2CTVqt2wxU

Mr Pickles can’t help us with finding a suitable book; he will think on it. Will we be around for a while?

Do we have to sort of guess which books they have at Candlekeep already, or do they have a published catalogue?

There is some sort of divination magic we can use to discern whether or not they have a particular book. They will take annotated copies if they’re interesting, or first edition copies, of books they already have.

Tarragon makes a Perception check - the black cat is sitting at the entrance to the temple, watching.

Tarragon waves to the cat - it raises its paw. It stretches, then lopes slowly toward her.

“By the gods but you are stupid!” says the cat, aloud, in Common. “I have been trying to get your attention for ages! Come to the shrines of nature!”

Tarragon says she will go along at some point today, and the cat leaves.

“Well now, run along,” says Mr. Pickles, lighting his pipe.

He says as we leave that he has something special for Ahleqs if we do well.

We go to the shrines of nature. (Ahleqs at least will come with; it sounds nice and relaxing.)

Charity and Melaina get chatting; after a while Charity notes, “I think this is the most we’ve spoken, you know.”

Melaina, immediately: “Fuck off.”

We arrive at the shrines of nature - Amithrel, the High Druidess, approaches us. She says she has been speaking to her colleagues about Tansy. Some have heard about this type of curse or poison before - there is a book that might be of benefit. She says the cat told her that we might be travelling to Candlekeep soon? This would be a perfect opportunity.

It involves a ritual cast on the heartstone that Melaina gave Tarragon. It’s in a book of ancient rituals and spells. It fell into the hands of a lore keeper and ended up in Candlekeep. The monks likely won’t part with it, so Tarragon will have to find a way of copying it.

Mr Pickles is going to give us the title of the book he wants us to borrow. The High Druidess can’t remember the name of the druid who told her about the book, but he will be coming here soon. Are we okay with waiting a few days for him to arrive, before we leave for Candlekeep?

Yeah, we need to find a book to give the monks anyway.

Amithrel asks if we’ve thought about how we’re going to get to Candlekeep. It’s about 900 miles by land. The best way to make the journey would be by boat; didn’t we have a friend with a boat? Didn’t he look like this guy (Charity) but ‘infinitely more handsome’? Perhaps we could contact him, he has friends at the Docks Ward who could get a message to him.

We could charter a boat, couldn’t we? Charity asks, clearly reluctant about contacting Gunna. Might be a little expensive, though. But Gunna was pretty clear that he was off doing family things, he might not want to come back just to ferry us along the Sword Coast. If he’s two weeks out, it’ll take him two weeks to come back, Charity points out. 

Ahleqs thinks we should either buy passage or gain employment as protection on a ship. Or we could ask Larissa, maybe she could get us passage?

Speaking of Lord Walrus, does Charity have anything he needs to be getting on with? He says if we’re near the Dagger he’ll go and look for some books and - the thing… (no idea what that means. Oh! Probably the Harper mission from Mirt.)

We head back to the Dagger and Charity and Carl excuse themselves to go off and look for ‘stuff’.

Kessler goes to the Watchful Order to see if they have any books that might be suitable. Ahleqs accompanies her. We just need to borrow one, right?

No, it would have to stay at Candlekeep.

Melaina: “Well they’re not called CandleBorrow.”

Charity puts his head back in the door to the Dagger to ask Gideon if he would like to accompany him and Carl on his mission to find a talking horse. Wait, what?

Gideon agrees, apparently not needing to ask any kind of follow-up questions. Where is this horse? Charity says it’s pulling around some kind of dray. (A wagon or cart type thing.)

Gideon asks Ria about drays; who around here might own one?

Ria says there are some companies, and some independents who own one. They’re mostly to be found here, though they travel all over the city.

Ahleqs has the Urchin background, so he knows his way around cities - comes from always keeping his eyes peeled for escape routes. Sadly, he’s already gone to the Watchful Order with Kessler, so that’s of no help here.

Gideon and Charity go off in search of the talking horse. Goes by the name of Maxeene apparently.

Perhaps they could take a dray carriage on a tour around the city? Would be a good way to get to know their way around. Well, not much use if they’re looking for a particular horse, unless they happen to get the one dray that Maxeene pulls. 

Tarragon and Melaina saw Ahleqs and Kessler leave for the Watchful Order; they also see Gideon and Charity (and Carl) looking around the street and arguing heatedly. Tarragon goes back to her wine and Melaina plays excitedly with her new weasel; neither seem to care overmuch about what Brother Charity is doing.

Outside, Charity approaches a guard to ask about the dray. Where do they run to and from?

“Any particular service? They run the length and breadth of the city.”

Any that have violet flowers as their emblem? Or horses that wear a violet flower?

The guard looks at him funny. “Are you drunk?”

Charity makes a persuasion check - a 13.

The guard isn’t sure that any of the horses have taken to wearing flowers in their hair.

(This seems to be getting him nowhere; maybe Charity should look them up in the Yellow Parchments instead.)

He gives up and walks away from the guard. He doesn’t quite know how to talk to ‘the lower-downs’.

He and Gideon make Survival checks; Gideon spots some dray tracks.

“Onward!!”

He splats his way down the street, following the tracks which lead to the market. There are a lot of drays going to and fro; if they found a vantage point they might get a better chance at finding the one they’re after.

“Maxeene!” Gideon shouts, in desperation and to no avail. Can they get onto a roof? It’ll be a DEX check. Would that be untoward? Would people think he’s a loon?

Wait - the familiars! Gideon could send his flumph! He sits on a bench and instructs Charity not to let anyone pickpocket him, as he’ll be blind and deaf as he looks through the flumph’s eyes.

He whispers into his sleeve and sends out the flumph, warning it not to talk to strangers. Baby flumph makes a Perception check as it floats into the air. Gideon brains over the relevant information: A horse with a violet flower behind its left ear.

Through the flumph’s eyes, Gideon spots the horse in question. He points, but he’s seeing through the flumph and still sitting on the bench so he’s pointing at the ground.

Charity forgets that Gideon is deaf while he’s using this spell and demands to know what he’s pointing at.

(Matthew, OOC: “This whole scene is a combination of See No Evil Hear No Evil and Weekend at Bernie’s.”)

Gideon withdraws from the flumph’s vision and he and Charity go in search of the horse. They catch it up and Gideon walks alongside the dray and asks the driver what time he finishes; the driver says he’s not his type.

Is there room for three more on this dray? Gideon asks, ignoring this. The driver pulls to a halt and introduces himself as Marcus. He says yeah, we’ve got no passengers. Fare is 4 cp; Gideon throws him 12. They scatter; Marcus scrabbles around to pick them up and tells them begrudgingly to get on.

Another human already on the dray introduces himself as Morgan. He is Marcus’ brother, and he gives Gideon the tickets.

They ride around the city on the dray, while Marcus happily chatters away to them. They make Insight checks; if one of them keeps Marcus talking, the other might be able to make contact with Maxeene.

They decide instead to take a tour of the city. They spend a very pleasant afternoon, even stopping for sandwiches. Finally they reach the last stop. Do they ask to go along to the stables…? Would that be untoward? Marcus is looking at them like he’d like them to get off his dray now.

Gideon suggests posing as inspectors. Charity loves that idea, “but. We have taken the entire tour. That might be a hard sell. But it’s not a terrible idea.” He suggests following the dray after they get off, finding the stables, and then engaging Operation Pretending to be Inspectors.

Gideon gets up slowly because they’ve been sitting down for hours and he’s a creaky old dwarf, and hops off the dray. Charity tries to attract the attention of the horse, but it’s tricky. He makes a Performance check - a ten.

Maxeene looks at him blankly. She and the other horses are untied and led down the alley, but Charity and Gideon have seen the direction they went.

Matthew wants to go outside for a cigarette, so we cut back to Tarragon and Melaina; Melaina is mucking about with her weasel, and Tarragon is busy getting wine drunk. Over to the other group then…

Ahleqs and Kessler have gone to the Watchful Order (Mina is not responding so we pick up with Ahleqs until she returns).

He tells the librarian he is looking for esoteric knowledge. Could they direct him towards the rare book section?

Is he looking to buy rare books?

Potentially…

As a paid member he can read or borrow anything here, but they don’t sell stuff. The librarian can recommend a number of good bookshops. Some Guilds might deal in rarer volumes, too, she adds... 

Ahleqs makes an Insight check - 18. The librarian is hinting that thieves’ guilds or Xanathar might have something akin to what he’s looking for. Ahleqs is way out of his depth, but nods as if he knows what’s going on.

He will peruse the shelves here anyway, he says.

Kessler pops back in and says that we recently did some work for someone who might be able to acquire rare books; what about Shanks? Perhaps her lot could steal to order? We might even get a discount on services if Melaina goes along on the job. (Sophie, enthusiastically: “Yeah!”)

Matthew is back from smoking now so we pick back up with Charity, Carl and Gideon.

It’s early evening by now. There are people around, they are still in the vicinity of the market. Charity finds a door to the stables, but it’s locked. He makes an Investigation check and rolls a 19. He could probably pick it without too much trouble but he doesn’t have thieves’ tools. They could go and get Melaina…?

(Sophie OOC: “Just text me.”)

Charity is reluctant to ask ‘the elf’ for help. She’ll just say no. Well she won’t say no, she’ll say ‘fuck off’. He asks Gideon to go, as she’s more likely not to swear at him.

“What? No! We can do this by ourselves! There must be a way. Is there an open window or something…?” Gideon looks for anything that doesn’t involve lock picks or asking the elf for help. Does he perhap have a spell…?

He looks for a spare key under a bucket by the door or something. He makes an Investigation check and gets a 22 - he spies a key on top of the doorway! He points it out to Charity who reaches up and grabs it. Gideon arcana checks the door to see if it’s trapped; it is not. Well, not magically, anyway.

They enter the stable. There are four horses in here - one of which has a violet flower behind her left ear.

“Maxeene,” Brother Charity whispers. She looks at him but doesn’t respond. He shows her the Harper button. She greets him and asks what she can do for him.

He says he has been sent on a mission and introduces himself, Carl and Gideon. He is here looking for information, and has been told that Maxeene might know about agents in hiding with ‘an unpronounceable name’. Would she be so kind as to let him know what she knows, and Charity is willing to pay for the information.

DM, laughing: “Are you offering the horse money…?”

Matthew, OOC: “Nah, like sugar lumps or something.”

Maxeene tells him that sugar lumps are bad for the teeth.

“I know that, I’m a doctor.”

Gideon, scoffing: “No you aren’t!”

Charity, miffed: “Bloody well am.”

Maxeene interrupts the squabble to say that she gave a ride to a sun elf and a half orc two days ago, dropping them at the Yawning Portal. They spoke of planting agents in the guild, in a weird way. The Xanathar guild, their enemies. They might be Zent agents.

Charity makes notes on his letter, while Carl holds the ink pot for him in his open hand.

Maxeene says he could seek them out at the Yawning Portal.

DM: “Kessler might know about tha - ”

Gideon, immediately: “No! We don’t need any help from the goblin!”

After some History checks, they know that the Yawning Portal is a famous tavern in Waterdeep. There was a tower that exploded, now it’s a portal to the Undermountain. Famous tourist attraction. Lots of adventurers pay money to be lowered down the hole to seek their fortunes.

This is starting to sound like more than a two-person adventure...

Gideon asks Maxeene why a horse of her ability is pulling a carriage? She is an agent for the Harpers, she tells him. You get to see all sorts in her line of work. (The irony.)

Charity says he thinks his job is done - apparently all Mirt wanted was to know what Maxeene knew.

But wait! Charity has a plan. He thinks they should go to the Yawning Portal and ask around. But in order to forestall any investigations, they should disguise themselves. How would Gideon feel about dyeing his beard to pass himself off as a different dwarf? He supposes he could. (Charity pulls out a little bottle that says ‘Just for Dwarves’ on it.)

Charity rubs some boot polish into Gideon’s beard, and they set off for the Yawning Portal. Wait - they need names!

Gideon, after a short pause: “Sledge Rock-Eater.” And what about Brother Charity? “Human names, human names… Paul?”

Charity says he will go with ‘Timothy’. (Is that a Tal’Doreian name?)

Before they go in, Charity suggests that Carl wait for them in an alleyway. He casts Disguise Self to look like a ‘cribbly old man’ (direct quote) and plops his wig on his head. (He could have given himself hair with Disguise Self, but anyway.) He also has ‘a manky eye and a hump’.

Does Gideon have a weapon? He blusters. “I use magic, I don’t usually bonk things.”

Carl offers his mace; “It’s all yours,” he says, the first words we’ve ever known him to speak - something that seems to pass everyone by.

(The scene that follows is not easily captured in text form which is a shame, as much of the nuance and high comedy - not to mention the abominable accents - are completely lost. My apologies to Thunderbuns and Ross Kemp.)

They enter the Yawning Portal. Trophies line the walls, and there is a big hole in floor into which people are being lowered on a rope. The bards here are really good, and obviously well paid.

They start to look around for a half orc and a sun elf who are together. Charity spots a balcony that runs around the edge of the main tap room. From his position he can see a male sun elf standing talking to a female half orc. That seems promising. They are hoping to get their names, and to find out if they are Zent agents.

Publicly, the Zent mercenary guild have a respectable face but they have a shady reputation. They are called the Black Network in underground circles, and most don’t trust their intentions. They undercut the prices of other mercenary guilds. They’ve been at war with Xanathar’s guild, who are also fighting with the Shadow thieves.

Charity, getting ready to make his move: “What was your name again, Thunderbuns?” He suggests dropping Xanathar’s name in a negative way as they walk by, initiating a conversation and seeing what they can glean.

Charity gets fully into character as Ross Kemp as he orders whiskey for himself and Gideon at the bar. It costs 2 copper, but he flicks the barmaid a silver piece and tells her to ‘buy herself summink pretty’. She winks and stuffs the silver piece into her cleavage.

Charity slams the whiskey and makes the face that people who aren’t used to drinking whiskey make. A couple of people at a nearby table notice and start to laugh; Ross Kemp points to the glass and tries to insist that it was ‘the shit stuff’. It’s unclear whether they believe him or not, but it seems unlikely.

Right, time for phase two.

They go up to the balcony, talking shit about Xanathar’s guild in the worst cockney accents anyone has ever heard. The half orc girl is picking at her nails with a dagger and looks up to warn them to watch what they’re saying.  

Charity tells her he is looking to get revenge on Xanathar and his Guild - “They’ll rue the day they crossed Timothy P Fuckapple!”

(Duncan is crying with laughter by this point, and we’re all not far behind him)

The sun elf says if he buys them a drink, will they go and drink it somewhere else?

Timothy P Fuckapple asks gruffly if they would be open to a game of cards…?

The sun elf, looking down his nose: “Absolutely not.”

Timothy P. Fuckapple/Ross Kemp: “What if I sweeten the deal with a bit of cheddar cheese, by which I do mean money?”

Still no.

Timothy says he was told that if a person wanted revenge on Xanathar then they should find two individuals who look like the elf and the orc, but clearly he has been misinformed.

The elf asks, do they have business with the Zent? Are they wanting to hire mercenaries?

Thunderbuns: “No - we wanted to join.”

The elf falls about with laughter. “Did you hear that, Yagra? These buffoons want to join!”

They have a name! Thank fuck for that…

Thunderbuns has an idea, and says he will bet the elf a gold piece that Timothy can guess his name. The elf sighs. “Fine, if you will leave inside a minute.”

Timothy makes his guess - “Silver Frond!” he says, confidently.

“No. My name is Davil Starsong, as anyone here could have told you.” Thunderbuns dutifully hands the elf a gold piece.

“And this here is Yagra Stonefist - she will happily see you to the door.” Yagra pushes them both toward the door; they offer no resistance. They have both names, yes!

Charity writes the information he has discovered on the back of the paper crane, once out of sight in the alley. The crane takes flight and disappears.

And with that the buddy cop movie ends, as does the session. Duncan has two new abs from laughing. (I don’t think this is the last we’ve seen of Thunderbuns and Timothy P. Fuckapple.)

[solitaria-fantasma]

((Session #7 shenanigans, GO!))

We’re skipping the filler stuff this week and jumping straight into the Plot bc our DM has figured out how to connect us to her main campaign and really wants to get to the good parts.

It’s been a while so we had to do a little discussing to remember where we’d left off: Destroying a dog-fighting ring, making friends with the dogs, and kidnapping the pit boss.

We dragged the pit boss halfway back to town bc we’d left our horses at the inn, and then dragged him into the woods to interrogate.

I woke him up with a slammin’ lute chord (and I was absolutely thinking “SECRET TUNNEEEEELLLLL!” in my head as I did).

Udaji rolled another ‘4’ on her Perception check and someone else in the voice chat said “yeah that’s on-brand for her”.

ZONE OF TRUTH! ZONE OF TRUTH! ZONE OF TRUTH!

(the pit boss calls the dogs ‘stupid animals’) “Someone needs to hold Udaji back, please.”

“Lord Hassan? Yeah, he’s the boss-.....I shouldn’t have said that.”

This poor man didn’t have a high enough intelligence to recognize the spell ‘Zone of Truth’ and is confused af right now.

The second piece of the map to the Crescent Gang’s Hideout was rolled up in a little bottle on a string around the pit boss’ neck - now we have two!

We asked where the third piece was, but the pit boss didn’t know - he gave us a few towns that he thought it might be in, though (such as Caister, in Everton).

Apparently, you need to layer all three map pieces over top of each other to see the full picture - like animation cells!

We asked about the marriage-murder scam, too, but the pit boss didn’t know anything important.

“If these bitches were cute enough then maybe-�� *angry Dragonborn noises*

“Maybe we could feed him to the dogs?” “No way! Burnt Toast and Matthias Jr. need a well-balanced diet, not junk food.”

The only thing holding Udaji back from killing this man rn is Claus’ hand on her shin.

We leave the pit boss tied up in the wilderness, and he’s probably going to die. It’s a good thing none of us are Lawful Neutral.

The fastest way to Caister is by boat, which will take about one week, rather than two weeks if by land.

We have to pay to board the horses on the boat, but as long as the sailors were allowed to pet our new dogs, we didn’t have to pay for their boarding.

“What would you like to do on your two week boat ride?”/”I would like to train Matthias Jr. to play dead when shot with a pretend bow and arrow.”

Level Four! Yay!

We had barely landed in Everton when we heard an NPC shouting about a thief.

Mountain was too distracted trying to keep Señor Guapo from eating poison ivy to notice the commotion.

I have only just now realized that I did not include in my last session’s notes that the other two dogs are named “Señor Guapo” and “Joel”.

“Because Claus is a good boy and he is the conscience of this party.”

“We could also surround her. We number quite many.”

*insert Benny Hill theme here as the party & our dogs attempt to surround the suspected thief while our horses graze serenely a few meters away from the chaos*

The thief is a hungry young woman I don’t care what her role in the story is I have already mentally adopted her.

Mountain paid the farmer the five copper the carrots were worth, and the man stormed off, threatening to call the guard if we let her near his farm again.

“You offer her your rations, and she looks at you like you are God.”

The child is absolutely bewildered by the size of Ganondorf the Horse, but then she looked back at me (the Dragonborn) and whispered “Oooh, that makes sense…”

Soothing lute music is good for panic attacks and that’s about all Udaji’s good for right now.

Her name is Colette De Mir, and she claims to have fallen on hard times after receiving a letter pROPOSING MARRIAGE TO A LORD IN EVERTON OH NO-

She survived an attack on her traveling group, and was the only survivor. Lord Hassan tried to kill her, and threw her off of a bridge into a ravine, where she once again managed to cheat death. No-one else in her party survived, and everything in their carriage that could be stolen was.

Burnt Toast and Joel are therapy dogs: Confirmed.

Colette was horrified when we told her that she was not the only one who had been targeted by this scam, and demanded to know what we knew.

Matthias doesn’t trust her, for some reason, but the high Insight roll checks out.

“Yeeting princesses is not a very Lordly activity.”

Colette says she woke up underwater after the fall, and found herself breathing rather normally. What a way to find out you’re a sorcerer.

I lent her one of the costumes from my Entertainer’s pack, to replace her dirty and mismatched clothing as we go into town, and it’s WAY too big for her, considering it was sized for a Dragonborn.

Once we get to town, Astrid and I take Colette on a spa/shopping trip so that she can get cleaned up, and have some proper clothes.

At the inn, Colette tells us that she didn’t know that this town was Caister - she had been told that it was Kenkilly by the ship that had carried her and her entourage.

She was lied to about which town was which, basically, and - being from a completely different country - she had no idea.

Our money from Swadlin is still good in Everton, but almost all of the shopkeepers and merchants could pin us as tourists from our foreign currency.

Colette asks us to take her to Kenkilly, where Lord Hassan is supposedly supposed to be. Safety and strength in numbers, right?

Udaji - having been raised by an overprotective party of retired adventurers in a quiet, but populous, town - has no survival skills of her own.

For all intents and purposes, Colette is a Waterbender. 

Colette has a blue cloak that she tried to hide from the party, and took great care to dry and keep when changing clothes. It was a gift from her mother, meant to protect her.

When we set out the next morning, Colette rode with Astrid and got the tea (whether she wanted it or not) on the rest of the party.

“She has all the embarrassing stories on you, like what you do when you sleep.”/”Oh, no! She’s seen me cuddle my lute??”

Kenkilly is actually a small, rural village on the coast, rather than the larger city it had been made out to be in the letter to her family.

We track down some shady locals to try and get information, and we….are not subtle about it.

Between the Dragonborn, the Tiefling, two half-elves, a princess, and four dogs, we stand out quite a bit.

Matthias joined the shady people for a game of chance with dice, and won a bit of money, but no information.

Mountain joined in the betting, and Astrid is shit-talking both of them while Colette, Claus, and Udaji stand off to the side and watch.

Claus lasts about five minutes before he gives up trying to pretend we aren’t doing some shady BS and goes back to the inn to drink.

Mountain asks about the Crescent gang, but one guy asks for a bribe for his answer. Mountain tries to intimidate him, and fails miserably

Matthias also tried (and failed) to intimidate, but with Astrid’s help, the criminal was successfully intimidated.

Lord Hassan does indeed live in this town (or at least the castle nearby it), and he does not seem to be entirely well-liked by the people.

None of the complaints are super-bad, though….”trash day changes too much”, “the cost of living is too high”, “there’s too many damned foreigners-” Okay. Okay. We get the point.

“Udaji’s gonna look herself up and down from her boots to her flower crown and ask: “Do I look like a cop??’.”

“If we’re gonna ‘case this castle’, may I recommend not sending the Tiefling or the Dragonborn?”

Matthias goes out to scout, and finds out that Lord Hassan has ‘appointment times’ where he is available to the public - the next time being 2pm the next day.

He signs up the party for the 2pm meeting and comes back to the inn where the rest of us are waiting.

“I have been giving you guys tons and tons and TONS of money! You know you can spend it, right??”

The local armorer can upgrade our weapons with silver, but it would take two days, and we don’t expect to be in town that long...bummer.

I bought some new Studded Leather Armor for Udaji, sold her original Leather Armor, AND got it refined - my bby now has an AC of 16 now!

“Why do you still have all these rotten apples in your inventory?!”/”She’s fermenting them!”

Matthias’ player had him eat twenty rotten apples in one sitting just to spite the DM (their sister).

He then had to go throw up in the harbor.

So earlier, Matthias horribly embarrassed Astrid back in the alley, and now she’s refusing to talk to him.

Colette is confirmed for 19 and Udaji is still the baby of the party at 17.

The rest of the party is hanging out in the tavern, completely unawares, as Astrid yeets herself out a second story window to avoid talking to her father.

The innkeeper gave Udaji some alcohol, and Mountain casually stole it, drank it, and said “Underaged drinking is bad.”

Everyone goes around placing dinner orders at the inn and Udaji orders an entire chicken.

Astrid came back after brooding out in the wilderness for a few hours and we settled down to sleep.

Astrid steals a crown that Matthias had ‘found’ in an earlier session for Colette, arguing that “she’s actual royalty, and we’re going to talk to a Lord tomorrow, so we need to make the best impression”.

We also get a ‘glow-up’ montage as Astrid uses Matthias’ disguise kit to alter Colette’s appearance (bc if Lord Hassan really DID try to murder her, then walking straight back into his castle with no disguise would be a death sentence).

Still refusing to talk to her father, Astrid paid a very confused and slightly offended Colette to bring her breakfast in her room, just so she didn’t have to look at Matthias’ smug elven face.

Astrid also does not join us at the castle.

The Lord that we meet in the castle…..is NOT the same Lord that tried to kill Colette.

“It is kind of rude to show up for your scheduled appointment and just stand at the door, not saying anything.”

Colette storms past the party to demand an explanation of Lord Hassan, who is very unimpressed with this strange woman’s attitude.

“She’s a little upsetti spaghetti.”

Udaji’s soothing lute music saves the day again.

We tell the Lord that we are from the land of Swadlin, and were sent to investigate a series of deaths.

This Lord Hassan is a widower who is deeply faithful to his late wife and has no intentions of marrying again, and is VERY confused to hear that someone is using his name.

An advisor steps forward to take over the situation, and Matthias’ successful Insight roll gives him TERRIBLE vibes.

“He’s the kind of person whose teeth are too straight; too white.”

This advisor offered to pay us to investigate who was impersonating his Lord, and despite the bad vibes, Matthias agrees.

“Maybe DON’T intimidate the advisor while surrounded by guards.”

“He’s essentially offering you $7,000 EACH.”

We got sent off to investigate this impersonation of a Lord, and went back to the inn to try and shake off the Bad Vibes and calm Colette down.

Colette draws us a (rough) sketch of a frowning man with a pointed hairline and stiff moustache as the man who threw her off the bridge.

*two minutes of the DM (lovingly) insulting her cat in the background*

Colette says he was incredibly handsome, but Udaji just doesn’t see it.

We decide to try following the river upstream until we find a bridge that matches the one Colette was thrown off of.

Colette uses some of Matthias’ paper to write a letter to her parents, and asks Udaji to come with her to find a sailor to deliver it to her parents (for a modest fee).

The DM brought up the map and showed us the island of Mir, where Colette was from. It is a tiny dot out in the ocean, down in the far right bottom corner of the map. No wonder she needed to sail for two months!

“Matthias drinks one drink and then is blackout drunk.”/”Why do you think I have a kid?”

When we leveled up I took “Suggestion” as my next 2nd level spell, and I absolutely cannot wait to use it.

I CAN TAKE THE “DRAGON WINGS” RACIAL FEATURE AND GIVE UDAJI A 20FT WINGSPAN! Oooooooh boy the sTORYTELLING I can do with this!!!