#now that I’ve lost enough fat to manage my PCOS and I’m happy with how I look/feel

[h0neyfreak]

***

[comeonthinkers]

The Constant Struggle of Cuteness

I feel like, this morning, I need to talk about body image. Body image, and the constant barrage of conflicting messages around body image that I, as a midsize woman, receive and dissect every day.

First of all: midsize. Was this even a term five years ago? As “plus size” has become more ubiquitous and more accepted in the past decade, “fat” has been reclaimed, and “curvy” is suddenly more of a feeling than a descriptor, the terms I used to identify with as a teenager now, somehow, no longer apply to me anymore. I’m not sure what happened in the past decade; in high school I distinctly remember almost always being the largest woman in the room. Since then, whether it’s due to perception, self-confidence, age, awareness, or just... overall changes in the population, I now find myself distinctly in the middle. 

Note: I’ve been a size 12-16 my entire post-adolescent life. For one brief stint after college I could fit into a size 10. But before and since, 14 has been the mainstay numeral in my wardrobe. My steady friend and most accurate guesstimate across brands as to what my body may fit.

14, despite being the most (so I’m told) “common” size amongst women, was for many years infamous for being the most left-out, in-between size in clothing stores. In juniors’ stores (marketed toward teens: your Charlotte Russe’s and Forever 21′s), 14 would translate to the non-existent XXL: with “XL” usually falling in the “12″ range. In Plus Size or Women’s stores, 14 is a 0X; 1X is most commonly measured around a “16″ size.

About 5 years ago I found a fashion youtuber who made a video decrying the variation of a size 12 across different brands. And I’ll agree: sizes vary a lot from brand to brand, despite there being a base similarity in most big brand stores. She, like me, found herself living in this dreaded size 12-14 fashion purgatory, this no-womans-land of sizes. And even here! The numbers can’t be trusted!

She called herself “midsize”. She looked a lot like me. And at last, I had a label I could consistently search and see body types that I could identify with. From what I can tell, midsize is the chosen moniker for fashion influencers sizes 8-16, with of course, varying body shapes and compositions. For example, many of the folks I follow on instagram that claim “midsize” wear a VERY different bra size from me- so to find “fashion inspiration” I can actually act upon from midsize influencers, I also have to bring in a few accounts that allow for more top-heavy-friendly designs.

Despite all of the overwhelming positivity and diversity now available to me as a midsize woman (for example, almost all plus-size brands now start at a size 10-12 (00X-0X), and most “regular” retail brands now extend to a XXL), I can’t help but go back to my first observation: I’m no longer the largest woman in the room. While I don’t consider myself particularly unhealthy, I also know I’m not passing any presidential fitness tests any time soon. I find it difficult to run for extended periods of time. My joint strength isn’t nearly what it should be to support my weight. While muscular, I have a lot of extraneous body fat that adds strain to my daily life, and all my body’s systems: skeletal, endocrine, muscular, cardiovascular. This isn’t good. I’ve worked for years to try to find ways to get stronger, lose weight, and improve my overall health- in fact, the difficulty I faced when trying to lose weight was what led me to discover that I have PCOS and a few hormonal hurdles to maintaining a healthy body weight.

But when I try to research how best to approach health and weight loss with PCOS, the studies are few and far between- and when available are fairly inconclusive and far from thorough. I’m left to follow MORE accounts of personal success stories, all of which are biased toward one product or another, one lifestyle brand or book tour, all of which are antithetical to every other product, book, or brand I’ve seen before.

On the one hand, I’m grateful to see more body types represented in the media.  It IS helpful to my self-esteem to normalize the bodies of women both my size and larger than me (even if there’s still a prevalence of too-smooth skin and too-round belly buttons). But I also worry about how we tend to conflate feeling good about ourselves to being healthy. They aren’t the same. And we’re letting commercial forces tell us that it’s okay to be unhealthy even when attempting to BE healthy: mentally or physically.

Time to come clean here: for the past year, I’ve been experimenting on and off with a carnivore lifestyle, which, OBVIOUSLY, many people assume is super unhealthy, much like the stigma around Atkins in the early 2000′s. Honestly, it feels a lot like Atkins did back in the day: lots of bacon, burgers, steak, and eggs. Quite literally “zero-carb”, as opposed to just “low-carb”. While low-carb isn’t really new anymore, and many people can see carnivore as a logical step past the surprisingly universally accepted ketogenic diet, I was amazed to discover just how much the “science” of the trendier diets of the past decade (paleo, keto, whole-30) don’t match up to the scientific, accepted nutritional advice of the actual medical community.

Last year I started going to a weight-loss clinic at the behest of my OB-GYN in an attempt to get my PCOS and weight “under control”. I’m gonna spoil most of the rest of this rant by saying this was a pretty dumb idea for someone like me. This clinic was created around those with extreme weight issues, for whom psychological care and bariatric surgery are the most “effective” forms of treatment (again, according to the health care system that seems determined to sell it, but I’ll talk more about THAT another time). The nutritionist I met with gave me the same spiel I’d read time and time again from every weight-loss specialist book I’d bought, despite me relaying to her my decades-long struggle with traditional diets and fat-loss strategies. A ketogenic diet was never recommended to me, nor any kind of actual dietary changes to help with hormone balance/control: I was prescribed metformin (a drug for insulin resistance most commonly prescribed to type 2 diabetics) and told to eat a low-fat, high-fiber diet.

I didn’t lose any weight. My periods didn’t regulate. I just stopped gaining weight as fast... although I did eventually gain back the 12 pounds I’d lost from my first 2 months on carnivore. 

The truth is, that treatment plan, that clinic... it doesn’t exist for someone who is trying to change their body chemistry. It might work for folks that are so obese that literally ANY form of mindful eating will help them lose 200 pounds. But let’s be real: if I lost 200 pounds, I’d weigh 6 pounds. I’m a tall, muscular woman with some fat that has tried all the recommended diets for fat loss. Through them all, I fight cravings and energy loss, mood swings, and all the symptoms that come with PCOS. The ONLY thing I’ve found in the past 10 years that actually helps with my PCOS? 

Regular exercise, stress management, and a carnivore diet. 

I’ll also point out that when I DID lose a considerable amount of weight after college (due to what I think was a combination of 1. getting enough sleep for once, 2. intermittent fasting, and 3. regular hiking), it was also easier for me to maintain my weight and many of my PCOS symptoms went away. It wasn’t until I switched to a HORMONAL BIRTH CONTROL method that I then gained back all of the weight I lost (and then some) and once again began fighting uncontrolled PCOS symptoms. They compounded on each other, and made it harder and harder to get back to any kind of “normal”. 

So, I’m back on carnivore. In addition to more stable energy, noticeable reduction of PCOS symptoms, and slight weight loss, I also just... hurt a lot less on carnivore. Along this journey I’ve finally realized that I do in fact have a chronic pain problem. Whether it’s due to chronic inflammation, past injuries, or food sensitivities, I’m not really sure: but I know when I eat carnivore, my chronic pain all but goes away. Recently, I’ve been recovering from a back injury, so there was of course some pain associated with that (as well as a break from regular exercise, which I plan to get back to once I’m cleared by my chiropractor), but the daily body aches, numbness, and discomfort?

Gone. 

I’ve got regular periods when I eat this way- like, ACTUALLY one a month like I’m supposed to have. My facial hair growth slows down, even thins out. My focus improves. I sleep better, and actually follow a normal circadian rhythm. What’s total bananas is that I’m not the only one who experiences this: MANY folks who’ve tried this way of eating report daily quality of life improvements.

I’m not going to say everyone should eat this way; I’m not even going to suggest that everyone with PCOS should eat this way. But I WOULD love to see some actual RESEARCH done on this way of eating- or even better research on a ketogenic diet! I’m so frustrated by the lack of medical research on nutrition, and in particular the lack of action to curb the universally-accepted-to-be-unhealthy nutrition standards in America. While I won’t say it’s hard to eat carnivore (cause like, all diets are hard), I have noticed over the years that NO ONE IN OUR COUNTRY IS HEALTHY anymore- except for those whose JOB it is to be healthy. And this isn’t a coincidence!! Almost all cultures that have adopted American corporatized food structures are chronically unhealthy, and much, much more fat than they used to be.

I agree that being fat isn’t always a personal failing, and I’m so, SO glad that more and more figures in our media diets are representing the diverse catalogue of body shapes and sizes reflected in our world. I’m happy that my future daughter won’t be fat-shamed the same way I was as a little girl, and that she likely won’t be told (like I was) that she’s too fat to be what she wants to be when she grows up, despite not actually being all that fat. 

BUT. Fat representation is not the hill I want to literally die on. I’m not willing to throw my health, my comfort, my ability to be active, away for my “right” to eat ice cream every day. I’m sick of being marketed to constantly as a garbage disposal. I’m not just here to eat and diet and wear clothes.

I’m here to LIVE. I’m here to plant gardens and make art and take walks and enjoy the seasons. And I can’t do a lot of those things if I’m constantly sick and in pain. And it’s way harder to enjoy not being sick and not being in pain when all we know to do as a society when spending time together is... eat food. 

What frustrates me is, I think so much of this really comes down to marketing, corporate profit-mongering, and the way our political system is set up to make laws for companies instead of people. I think capitalism is making us fat and unhealthy, to sell us sugar and diets and medicine and surgeries in an endless cycle of crap. I don’t really have much more to say on that, I don’t have sources, except like... well, look around you. Look at the system we have. Look at what we’re told to do to escape it. And look at how many forces are there to take us right back to the beginning of the roller coaster when we have a little success. 

Side note/conspiracy theory time: I actually think liposuction might be a more safe and effective (literally EFFECTIVE not just safe) form of “weight loss surgery” in helping folks with actual, permanent weight loss. Hear me out: while I will fully admit I can’t remember where I read any of this (as I’ve read so many scores of information regarding health and weight loss over my lifetime), I seem to remember body fat working something like this: it’s really easy for your body to make new fat cells, but very difficult for your body to destroy them. So, when you gain fat, it first occurs by your body filling your fat cells with fat, until they can’t hold anymore, and then your body makes new fat cells, which makes it easier for your body to hold onto said fat. The best way to “reset” your body’s fat threshold is to literally destroy or remove the fat cells. And, I assume, if you adopt more healthy habits AFTER having liposuction, your body would be less likely to create more fat cells than it was when you lived an unhealthy lifestyle.

Bariatric surgery is incredibly invasive and dangerous, and almost always ends up reversed by bad habits and your body’s natural ability to STORE FAT AND STRETCH YOUR STOMACH. It’s a temporary solution, and often proves to be ineffective in the long term, and leads to many unfortunate complications over time, not to mention the recovery from that surgery is LONG and TOUGH.

But liposuction (the most COMMON FORM OF PLASTIC SURGERY, I’ll add), is the only “weight loss” procedure (despite not being labeled as such- it’s “cosmetic surgery” even though it most definitely WOULD result in weight loss, right?) that actually removes fat from your body. Literally takes the fat cells away so your body can’t fill them up again, without once again needing to create more.

But bariatric surgery is covered by insurance, and liposuction isn’t... despite the fact that removing weight and fat from the body would be a more instant and potentially effective cure for obesity and its underlying symptoms, and being a simpler procedure overall, as well as extremely common. 

So like... why is being fat something poor people are forced to endure dangerous surgery and super long recoveries and lifetime habit changes to overcome, but rich people just get to have their fat vacuumed away? Sounds sus to me. 

[fairyovth]

confession: i've always been overweight and hated my body since i can remember and now i discovered i have a disease that makes it that harder to lose weight and i wish i'd manage to starve myself

Oh, sweetheart. I really don’t know what to say to you, other than that I understand you. I’ve struggled with my body for 19 years, and I have PCOS, so I too can’t really lose weight and it took me so, so long to come in terms with the fact that I will never be skinny — and to understand that it’s not so important.

I once watched a video that just changed everything for me. It’s this one (it has english subs!!!), from Ellora Haonne, a brazilian youtuber that talks a lot about this kind of thing. In this particular video, she says: “I can be so much better than just skinny”. And that made me think. I always had the “oh, when I get skinny…” thoughts, everytime. I would see cute clothes in a store and think “if I lost weight I could use it”. I’d say to my mom that I couldn’t wear this or that because I was fat. I would literally not leave the house when I felt too fat. Then I started looking at people who surrounded me, and I absolutely adore this one girl. She’s overwheight, but completely unapologetic. And I think she’s so pretty, you know? The way she dresses, the way she acts. Everything about her is so, so beautiful. And I love seeing her in crop tops, they look amazing on her, but when it came to ME, I felt “too fat” to be wearing something a little revealing, a little tight. Then I realized my hypocrisy. I’d literally fight anyone who dared to say anything mean about her body, but I was the first one to be mean to my own body. It made no sense. Why did I love her body but hated mine? 

You’re pretty, honey. Your body is pretty, it’s perfect, because it’s yours. You don’t need to be skinny, all you need to be is happy and healthy and confident in your own skin. I learned to love my backrolls and my tummy, I absolutely adore my stretch marks (they look like lightning bolts!!! it’s cute!!!), and I don’t really care about my cellulites. I’m still learning to love my body hair though (since I have PCOS, I have too much testosterone so… a lot of body hair), but I know someday I will not care too much about it either. After all, every single one of those things is a part of me. There’s a human being inside this body who deserves love, especially from myself. 

And It’s a rough and long road toward accepting and loving your body the way it is, but you should start now by being kind to it. It’s worth it, in the end, I promise. There’s no better feeling than being comfortable and happy with your body without worrying so much about weight. 

Also, please, be healthy. Don’t try and starve yourself, or get into those crazy diets, or anything. Don’t put yourself and your body through so much pain just to be skinny. You don’t need to. Focus on what matters: your happiness; and happiness has nothing to do with a perfect body, it has to do with how you see and treat yourself. You can be totally happy without being skinny. 

Please, please, please, be kind to yourself. I can’t stress this enough. It still hurts me to remember the way I would look at my body and cry because I hated it so much. I was so unfair to myself. I was so mean. So, please, don’t do that. Love yourself, ‘cause you deserve it. 

(One thing that helped me a lot even though it seems little: following people on instagram who were overweight or really just didn’t have “perfect skinny model bodies”. It made me start loving my body because I saw people who had similar bodies and they looked great. The problem is that we are forced to see models everywhere, all the time, to the point our brains think that’s the only way to be pretty and happy, but when you see beautiful people who look normal and real, it goes away. It’s like you reprogram your brain kjfjksdj it’s awesome.)

[vandykecarolpdrf7]

5 Keto Success Stories

With the 60 day September-November KetoDiet challenge ending tomorrow, I'd like to share 5 inspiring success stories of those who participated in our previous 60 Day July-September KetoDiet Challenge and won prizes worth over $2,000!

We had thousands of participant in our July-September challenge, and as expected, it wasn't easy to pick just 5 winners from so many inspiring success stories. Well done to all who took part!

To take part in our Challenges, sign up and get notified as soon as the next challenge is announced (in the next few days). All KetoDiet Challenges are and will always be FREE and you won't need to buy any products to join.

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Cindy's Success Story

I've been overweight my entire adult life. Once I started nearing 50, after many "diets", I was ready to give up. Then I remembered that a few years back, I had started a low-carb lifestyle.

I did lose about 15 pounds and felt better, but I eventually went back to my old ways and packed those 15 pounds right back on. I was unhappy and felt terrible every day. I didn't have any other health issues but was resigned to the fact that I'd be overweight for the rest of my life.

In May of this year (2017) I finally decided to do something about it once and for all. On May 7th, 2017 I started eating low-carb again. I loved it! I was never hungry and I was starting to feel better. After much research I decided to go even lower-carb and found Keto! I couldn't be happier.

Why Did You Join?

Weight Loss and an overall healthy lifestyle. I love a challenge and this one holds me accountable.

What Helped You Stay on Track?

Tracking and determination... not necessarily in that order. I've learned that one slip or even a few does not negate everything that I've accomplished to this point. If I fall off, I get right back on!

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

I feel better today than I did at the start. And I know the longer I continue, the better I'll feel everyday.

Cindy' Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, Cindy lost 15 pounds and 4 inches off her waist!

Sid's Success Story

I am a 67 year old former runner. A cancer survivor and a lifetime Weight watcher/yo yo dieter who found this site last month and I think this might just be the inspiration I need. I've been trying to follow ketodietapp's suggestions for the last four weeks. I started at 200 pounds.

Why Did You Join?

Weight loss. Prevent the return of illness. Today at the start of the challenge I'm at 195 pounds and would like to get back to my pre-cancer healthy weight of 175 pounds.

What Helped You Stay on Track?

I kept going back to read the blog and I are use the support group online a lot. The ketodiet app was an eye opener from me. I've been a mfp user for two years but now that I've found keto I've added the mfp workaround to count net calories but I used both through the entire challenge. I'm hooked.

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

The challenge gave me a goal a focus and it help me stay on track I've already signed up for the challenge that starts in three days because I really feel like it meets my needs. Health wise I'm more concerned about fat around my stomach hernia from the previous surgery and I don't want to undergo another surgery I am looking at the ketodietapp website and app to help remove the fat around the stomach and I'm feeling so much healthier because of it.

What Are Your Favourite KetoDiet Recipes?

I especially like the guacamole and the pita bread. Also made a lot of the bullet proof coffee.

How Can We Improve?

I loved every minute of it. I am testing the new app, love the ability to scan my store bought products or ingredients in and add new recipes everything is working so smoothly I'm very happy.

Sid's Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, Sid lost 12 pounds and 4.5 inches off his waist!

Shijuana's Success Story

I am a 34 year old mother of 3 little people. I work full time, and lately have been struggling to to control my eating habits. Despite working out quite often (and enjoying it), I tend to turn to food for comfort and just out of boredom, which has caused me to almost binge at times.

I have never had a problem with this in the past, but my husband is currently in residency with one more year, and even though I don't really feel stressed out often, I think I tend to overeat at night because he's not home quite often, and it just makes me feel better in the moment. I know that I have to get a handle on my eating habits, especially because diabetes and heart disease is on both sides of my family, and because I need to be healthy in order to keep up with my little ones!

Since having my middle child, I have also struggled with bilateral carpal tunnel syndrome, tendonitis, and arthritis in my hands, and have had several rounds of injections along with surgery on one hand. I have tried keto on and off since the beginning of this year, and noticed that everything feels so much better, and I just feel lighter, but then I go back to my old eating habits. I don't want that this time around!

Why Did You Join?

I joined this challenge for so many reasons:

Due to genetics, I am predisposed to heart disease and diabetes, but I enjoy my husband and children way to much to be set back by an illness if I can help it. I have read so many life changing results from people who adhere to a ketogenic diet, and I would like to give myself every opportunity possible to have a happy and healthy life.

My relationship with food has taken a turn for the worse lately, and I know it can and should be better. I feel terrible when I have a large amount of carbs, but it's so hard to ignore the cravings. In the past when I have tried keto, I realize that the cravings eventually subside, and then sweets taste almost too sweet if I do have something. For the work and effort that I put in at the gym, I should definitely see changes in my body, but that is impossible because every weekend I get setback my making terrible food choices. This has to change!

I not only want to be healthy, but I want to feel the benefits as well. I can always tell when I haven't been eating well because my joints are stiff and painful, but when I adhere to a good diet and make healthy food choices, I am pretty much pain free. I want to feel this way 100% of the time! Joining this challenge will hold me accountable for the choices I make, as well as help me to track my weight and progress. I really look forward to seeing the end results, AND continuing to make healthy food choices once it's over.

My honeymoon is in October... need I say more?! My husband and I got married while he was in medical school, and started working on our family shortly after, so we never got a chance to go on a honeymoon. We finally are this year, and I keep telling him that I will have my beach body ready! That should be enough motivation for me!

What Helped You Stay on Track?

Knowing how much better I would feel, and also that fact that I want to be healthier overall. Imagining wearing a bikini on the beach didn't hurt either!

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

This challenge has helped me to better manage my cravings for sugary foods, given me motivation to get to the gym even when I don't necessarily feel like it, and has allowed me to challenge myself.

Although I did weight myself, I didn't pay too much attention to the numbers because I wanted to focus on building more muscle and getting stronger as well, which makes me feel awesome!

Now my 12 year old son tries to keep up with me at the gym, and his friends are always impressed when they see me working out. Also, he'll be 13 soon, so I want to make sure he know that I'm always the boss!

What Are Your Favourite KetoDiet Recipes?

The BBQ roasted almonds, salmon patties, quiche, jerk chicken, and ham and cheese pockets were some of my favorites!

How Can We Improve?

I think it's great opportunity! The KetoDiet Challenge forum, FB community, app, and website are awesome tools, and it's nice to go through this with other people who have similar and very different goals!

Shijuana's Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, Shijuana lost 6 pounds and 3% body fat!

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Kim's Success Story

Been Keto since 10/31/2016 and wanted to lose about 50 lbs... well I have lost those 50 lbs and now want to lose about 12.5 additional lbs and need to tighten it all up!

Why Did You Join?

To stay focused, to be held accountable and to continue 'eating away' towards my goal to lose my last 12.5 lbs. I am losing weight very slowly so I hope to lose 7.5 lbs during these 60 days and be at a stronger 140 by the end of this challenge.

What Helped You Stay on Track?

Fasting... eating keto approved foods... I have a goal for a personal event end of October so I am focused!

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

The Facebook support group is always so inspiring.

What Are Your Favourite KetoDiet Recipes?

I made the hazelnut spread and although not as smooth it was good.

Kim's Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, Kim lost 5 pounds and over 1.2 inches off her waist!

April's Success Story

I have been following a Ketogenic diet since June 1st. I have lost 26 lbs since starting this WOE. I love Keto and how easy it is to follow and how my body reacts to this WOE. I have PCOS, and have an insulin resistant. I have been trying to go to the gym for the last month but have a hard tome actually getting there. That is a big goal of mine, is to go to the gym for a month and not miss any days!

Why Did You Join?

I want to lose 60 lbs in this challenge. 60 lbs in 60 days. Go from 311-250. I have already lost 26lbs in the last month. I want to go to the gym for the duration of this challenge. Be able to walk up the stairs without being winded.

What Helped You Stay on Track?

My Instagram account that I created to log my Keto journey has helped me sty accountable. Also a couple people that I follow also were doing this challenge and following them through the last 60 days has been a good way to stay accountable.

How Has KetoDiet Helped?

I have hit my first goal of hitting the 200's and no longer being in the 300 lb range. I am more cautious of what I am putting in my body. I also go to the gym more often then I have ever gone in my entire life. I have found a new love for working out, and have tried new classes, and new workouts.

What Are Your Favourite KetoDiet Recipes?

Your low-carb Chocolate hazelnut spread... it's amazzzing. And it makes not being able to have Nutella much easier. Also the Keto bounty bars were super yummy. I have a serious sweet tooth, so anything sweet I'm all over that!

April's Progress during the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge

During the 60-Day KetoDiet Challenge, April lost 19 pounds!

Sign Up for the KetoDiet Challenge

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[kummerspeck-griefbacon]

2017

Weeeeeeeelllllpppp! It’s a New Year, and I’m ready to start working on this blog again. I really couldn’t have procrastinated more if I tried, but whatever, I’m here now, it’s only January 2nd, so I’m not that far out of the game. I’ve been re-reading Jory Ames��“Weight Loss Journey: Changing My Life One Story and One Pound at a Time”, and it has really inspired me to start up the blog again, I feel it is key to my weight loss journey to share my frustrations as well as my successes as Ms. Ames has done. She was the first woman to write the book that I wanted to write, and it def helped that she is an older woman (she’s 54- I’m 47), she is the same height as me (5′4″) and she is/was in the same weight category (she starts the book at 210, and resolves to lose 10 lbs per month for 6 months to get to 150). I would LOVE to lose 10 lbs per month but I don’t know if that’s possible for ME, she definitely proves that it IS possible (I think from reading it the first time that she doesn’t make it all the way in 6 months, but she does come pretty close.

Let me update you since I wrote last, well over a year ago- nothing has changed, weight-wise. I’m probably right around where I was. Actually, I’m sure I weigh more, because I quit smoking around the last entry and as of today, I am still quit. That is something I am very proud of- something I really never thought I could or would do. I was one of those smokers that really enjoyed smoking 90% of the time. I quit on 9/30/15, so I’ve stopped for over 15 months. I feel secure in quitting after I hit the year mark, but I know people go back at the drop of a hat, so I try not to get too cocky, especially since my entire family smokes. My husband quit a few months after I did and he has stayed quit, so that is fantastic. I feel like nothing would cause me to go back to smoking except a horrible tragedy, so I leave it at that. But quitting has taught me one thing- if I could do that, I can do anything. It wasn’t even as hard as I expected. Don’t you hate when people say shit like that? But it wasn’t- I used the patch, which I had never tried before, the one with the steps. So I guess that gave me enough nicotine in my system to keep me from punching people in the throat, and then I bought cartridges for my e-cigarette that had 0% nicotine, so I could still have the feel of a cigarette and the inhaling and the “smoke”. The e-cig helped for a very short while- it really can’t compare to a real cig, and it seemed to give me a weird cough, so I just kept it around and didn’t use it much, but I knew it was there if I needed it. So with those tools, it was much easier than I expected (BITCH- I know!), but the main thing was I knew I was ready to give them up forever, and the other times I had tried to quit (not many, because I did like to smoke), I couldn’t get on board with the quit forever thing, so I always wound up telling myself I could have just one, and just one always leads to another.

But anyway, back to the WEIGHT, after I gained about 15-20lbs from quitting smoking (and it happened QUICKLY- within 3 months), I found myself at the beginning of 2016 hating myself, and more determined than ever to lose the weight. I was very depressed about the weight- I was heavier than I had ever been, I think at one point I reached 221. And if the gain wasn’t bad enough, I found that no matter what I did, I would not lose. I could not drop the weight. I bought the Cize dance program to dance the fat away- I didn’t stick with it. And I was trying to not do anything drastic diet-wise- I can’t do all day protein waters, or starvation, or binging/purging- I just don’t have the desire to punish myself, I’ve done that for so long and it’s only gotten me where I am. Finally I decided to see a therapist- if I couldn’t lose the weight, I needed to find a way to like myself, because I was really low, and I can’t afford to be depressed- I have too much to do- I have a family to take care of, I have 2 dogs with special needs and a cat, I work from home with my husband and it’s a very demanding job, and I have a house to run. I don’t have time to be depressed. Two things occurred to me around this time:

1- I realized that if I had never gone on a diet starting at 13 years old, I bet I would weigh much less than I do now. Years of diets has taken a toll on my body and my health. And more than that, the really heartbreaking thing is all the years I have spent hating myself, for what?

DID I EVER MANAGE TO HATE MYSELF THIN? NO- I DIDN’T.

2- I want to weigh 125. My older self knows that 140 is a much more realistic goal, given my age, the fact that I am in (or close to) pre-menopause, I possibly have PCOS, and how far I have to go. Then the diet-educated part of myself knows that the yo-yo dieting over the years has probably raised my body’s natural weight set point, so who knows? When I went in to therapy, I decided that if I could get to under 180, I could be happy with myself because that’s when all of my health problems began- aching hips, back, knees: snoring, cystic acne, etc.

AGAIN- I COULDN’T FIND A WAY TO BE HAPPY WITH MYSELF AS I WAS, BUT SUCH IS THE SICKNESS.

I live in a small town, so I had to just cross my fingers and hope that the therapist I got was a good one, because not many accept my insurance. I got lucky- I saw Risa for about 5 months, built up my self esteem, started standing up for myself and doing good things for me and my body, and she pronounced me “cured”, with the understanding that I could call her if I needed her. That was a proud moment for me because I usually don’t finish things, and it made me feel even better about her as a doctor/therapist because she could’ve taken my money forever (my mother saw a therapist for over 10 years) so I was worried that she would never let me go and I would have to quit and be a quitter. During therapy I started taking daily walks with my dog and started yoga, and I lost a few pounds, between 5-8.

I was still of the mindset that diets don’t work, and that I have to heal my relationship with food and my body, gently, with no punishing diets, Geneen Roth style, Susie Orbach style. I still believe all the things they say- eat when hungry, eat what you are hungry for, eat with no distractions, stop when you are full. I believe what they are saying, but I cannot make it work for me. And try as I might, I cannot accept myself at this weight. Wait, no- I can accept myself at this weight, but I do hate it, and I know with every fiber of my being that this is not me- this is not how I am supposed to be. I will be more comfortable when my joints don’t ache, and I don’t have high blood pressure. So something has to give.

I was gentle as I could be with myself until I got a year of no smoking under my belt- I knew I had to give myself the time to adjust to that. I was angry about the

weight gain, but it’s not like I was surprised- I knew it would happen. I probably would have gone back to smoking if I knew for sure that I would lose those 15-20 pounds. But I knew that wouldn’t happen, so I had to stay the course. 

As soon as I hit the year mark, I heard about “Bright Line Eating”, and it resonated with me. Bright Lines are like boundaries that you don’t cross. Ever. And if you do cross them, you go right back to the boundaries. You resume. Bright Lines were NO SUGAR and NO FLOUR. White Lines. Bright Lines. Addictive as cocaine, flour and sugar are. Made perfect sense to me. There were other bright lines I wasn’t ready to get on board with- weighing your food, eating 3 times per day. Period. Writing down the next day’s food and eating only what you wrote. I didn’t care about those. But no sugar and no flour sounded good. So, starting on Oct 3rd, and weighing 212, I started an atkins-like diet, except I could eat potatoes, rice, fruit and triscuits, although in moderation. I still would have an afternoon snack, but no evening snack. I got used to it pretty quickly, and was feeling good. Decided to weigh every two weeks. After the first 2 weeks, I lost 6 lbs. I was writing down what I ate. The diet looked like this:

Breakfast- 2 cups of coffee with cream, no artificial sweeteners allowed.

6 triscuits with natural peanut butter and a banana.

Lunch- Chef Salad

Snack- 20 raw almonds and 1 babybel cheese

Dinner- Taco meat on arugula

Thanksgiving came and I was worried because my Mom was coming and usually diets go right out the window when Mom comes. I had already decided that I was going to allow myself stuffing and gravy. I didn’t allow myself peanut butter cookies, which I love. I was so proud of myself. But the scale just got more and more depressing. I managed to get to 198.6 (which thrilled me because I love getting under 200- 200 is the number that I really can’t stand), but then 2 weeks would go by with no loss, and then 2 weeks later, 2 pound gain, and then 2 weeks later, nothing. I was like “Really? Already?” When you have 75lbs to lose, you don’t expect to get stalled 10lbs in. That’s part of the problem, too- those pesky expectations. 

Finally, I gave in and broke my bright lines about a week before Christmas. I was tentative at first, but then it was like the “just one cigarette”- yesterday found me swigging liberally at egg nog throughout the day (and there are like 500 calories in a half a cup of eggnog!) Funny thing about eggnog- I was watching “Mike & Molly” the other day- Molly was depressed about something, swigging nog from the container, sitting on the couch near Vince. Vince says “I never understand how you can drink that stuff without the liquor- it’s basically pancake batter!” OMG- I almost peed my pants- it’s so true. But even seeing that didn’t put me off the stuff, unfortunately. But yes- I’ve been eating all of the peanut butter cookies I missed at Thanksgiving, and plenty of chocolate!

Ok- this post is long enough, so here’s the plan:

Plan A- I am going to try HCG drops for the next month- 2 days of carb loading followed by 3 or 4 weeks of a strict diet- no breakfast, except coffee (I must have my coffee), then protein plus veggies for lunch and dinner. If I make it that far, then I have a few weeks of a modified plan to ease me in to regular eating. I can expect to lose 20-30 lbs if I am successful.

After Plan A has been completed (I could do another round, but I have to wait 8 weeks after the original 28 days before trying again), or if Plan A is not completed,

Plan B- Weight Watchers. I’ve never tried it, and I believe that new things work the first time around (like the nicotine patches worked for me). This year I can afford it, I work from home so I can go to the Tuesday 9:30 am meetings. And I love me some Oprah! I love the idea of Weight Watchers because:

1- Supposedly, you can eat whatever you want, nothing is off limits

2- Weekly weigh ins- never done that, either. I would think that keeps you motivated

3- Camaraderie- maybe I can make some new like-minded friends.

Ok- that’s enough for today, I’ll be back tomorrow with the dreaded weight. I haven’t weighed in several weeks, so I’m anxious/worried to see what the number is.

Do you have any goals this year? Let’s do it together!