#now someone make the estinien whistle edit

[noirneru]

this guy shows up to your inn room at 3am wyd reference // ty @jaurstus for this cursed idea

[dragons-bones]

A Spectacle for the Ages - Crack Edition

In deference to the fact that I’ve got friends still progressing through the FFXIV ARR and Heavensward storylines and that this got way too damned long, the following bit of crack is behind a cut/read more. Beware spoilers and scroll quickly if you’re on mobile and the cut decided to not work!

L’anywhoodle, CRACK AHOY.

IT’S TIME FOR A GRAND MELEE

IN THE RED CORNER:

A BUNCH OF BADASSES.

Heron and Rereha, observing: *EXCITED SHRIEKING, lots of Raubahn Aldynn (Heron) and Pipin Tarupin (Rereha) fan memorabilia being waved about* UL’DAH! UL’DAH! UL’DAH!

Alakhai: *holds head in embarrassment*

AND IN THE BLUE CORNER:

A BUNCH OF SUPER GORGEOUS BADASSES (and one little shit lordling).

Rereha: *dreamy sigh* I want to climb Lucia like a tree.

Heron: Saaaaaaame.

Alakhai: *waves to Hilda*

AAAAAAND JOINING THE BLUE TEAM,

THE ONE,

THE ONLY:

SYNNOVE GREYWOLFE!

Rereha, Heron, and Alakhai: *thunderous chanting* SYN-NO-VE! SYN-NO-VE! SYN-NO-VE!

(Note: So apparently the Unending Journey cutscene playback doesn’t include the House Fortemps armor glamour you actually had for the grand melee. As luck would have it, the glamour Synnove’s been trotting around in the past few days looks like the Foundation watch’s uniform, just in Synnove’s trademark deepwood green instead of a blue. Anyway, ONWARD.)

Synnove: I am here to save your asses, yet again, and sic Ivar on someone.

Ivar: *sitting at his mama’s feet like a good carbuncle**contemplates murdering everyone*

Aymeric: (My girlfriend is so amazing.)

Ivar: *contemplates murdering someone specific* Rrrrrr-

Synnove: Just so you’re aware, free-for-all combat is absolutely an appropriate romantic date for Ala Mhigans.

Aymeric: Duly noted.

Lucia: Flirt later, you two.

Temple Knight: I heard and saw nothing.

Ivar: RrrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRR-

Rereha: *peering through a spyglass* Shite, he’s smiling.

Heron: They’re fucked.

Rereha: Yep.

Alakhai: He’s missing an arm.

Heron: He’s the Bull of Ala Mhigo! Undefeated in a thousand matches in the Coliseum! General of the Immortal Flames! It doesn’t matter.

LET’S GET IT ON

RED TEAM READY

BLUE TEAM READY

FIGHT!

(Insert giant free-for-all scrummage combat where your illustrious hostess Shadowflared and DoTed and Deathflared everything in sight.

Right up until the officiants marked two specific individuals with the Fury’s Gaze...)

Rereha: *practically falling out of the observation box as she shrieks and flails excitedly* WHO DO I CHEER FOR

Heron: *hauls Rereha back in, also screaming excitedly* SYNNOVE DUH HOLY SHITE SHE’S GONNA DIE BUT YOU CHEER FOR SYNNOVE

Alakhai: *rolling her eyes* Swiving Ul’dahns and their swiving bloodsport.

Synnove: (*internally screaming in equal parts delight and terror*)

Ivar: RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR-

Synnove: Sorry, sweetie, I’m gonna need the Immovable Force for this. *loud, piercing whistle*

Ivar: *grudgingly pops over to the observation box*

Tyr, Lord of Aggro: *tumbles out of the aether, lands with a loud, ground-shaking THUNK* Rah!

BUT SUDDENLY -

Cyclops: RAWR!

Rereha: Oh come the fuck on.

Thancred: I got this.

Heron: Thancred, are you certain you can-

Everyone: O_O

Alakhai: That was-

Rereha and Heron: Hot.

Alakhai: *vigorous nodding*

(Synnove: So that shot up to, like, third on my list of Sexiest Things I’ve Ever Seen.

Aymeric: ...What are the first two?

Synnove: Well, the second on the list is that ridiculously extra dragoon jump Estinien performed at the Aery when he stabbed out Nidhogg’s eye.

Aymeric: Ah, I’m familiar with that particular feat of arms, yes, that’s... an accurate rating. *ahem* And top of your list is...?

Synnove: Every time you sit down.

Aymeric: *BLUSH*

Synnove: >:3)

Thancred: As I said, I got this, carry on, everyone.

As always, Hilda remains one of the few sane individuals present.

And with the grand melee resuming, and having their most valuable combatant now doubly so on the field before fucking General Raubahn Aldynn -

The only thing worse than Ishgard losing: his girlfriend being KO’d.

The Bull of Ala Mhigo is Not Impressed with what the Ishgardians consider a proper shield wall.

Or their charge.

Synnove: I’m gonna die. It’s gonna be awesome, but I’m gonna die.

Aymeric: Fury take me.

Rereha: *pounding her fists on the edge of the observation box* HE’S GONNA CHARGE. HE’S GONNA CHARGE HEADFIRST I HAVEN’T SEEN THIS SINCE HIS LAST COLISEUM MATCH

Heron: :D!!!!!!!!!!

Alakhai: *covers her eyes, peers between fingers* Dusk Mother preserve...

Rereha: HE’S GONNA CHARGE AYMERIC

Synnove: D:!!!!!!!!!!

RAUBAHN ALDYNN NEEDS NO GODS DAMNED COMMENTARY.

Aymeric: Halone preserve, I’d rather face a dragon right now.

Rereha: Thal’s balls, I heard that hit from here.

Heron: *stars in eyes* I am reliving all the best parts of my childhood right now.

Rereha: RIGHT?!

Alakhai: Swiving Ul’dahns and their swiving bloodsport.

Synnove: *LOUD ANGRY NOISES* GENERAL IF YOU HARM A SINGLE HAIR ON HIS HEAD I SWEAR TO RHALGR-

Aymeric: (You’re deliberately trying to piss her off, aren’t you?)

Raubahn: (And it’s working so well. Sorry about this by the way.)

Aymeric: NO YOU’RE NOT

Raubahn: Nope, not even a little bit.

Alakhai: *winces* Owwwwwww

Rereha: IT’S LIKE SEEING ALL THE BEST HIGHLIGHTS FROM HIS COLISEUM DAYS

Heron: :D!!!!!!!!!!

Synnove: *incoherent noises of RAAAAAAAAAGE*

Tyr, Lord of Aggro: *concerned for Mama*

Ivar: *peers over edge of observation box, makes encouraging chittering noises at Mama that probably translate to, “Yes, give into your anger!”*

Raubahn: And now that that’s taken care of...

Rereha: WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK

Heron: Kill me now, I’m ready, I never thought I’d see that trick again, nothing will ever be this amazing.

Alakhai: As awesome as that is, there is something very wrong with you two.

Flame Veteran: Godsdamnit, General, watch the range on that!

Storm Veteran: Bleedin’ hells!

Temple Knight: WHAT DO THEY TEACH DOWN SOUTH

Aymeric: Are you kidding me.

(God, isn’t he pretty?)

(Rereha: Two men enter, one man leaves!

Heron: Wrong universe, Rere.)

Synnove: I’m going to beat you to death with my book.

(Synnove’s Inner Six-Year Old: I AM GOING UP ONE ON ONE WITH RAUBAHN ALDYNN ALL MY DREAMS HAVE COME TRUE)

Raubahn: Bring. It. On.

Hasn’t been hanging around Synnove long enough to pick up the worst of her Lominsan vocabulary yet, clearly.

Aymeric: Synnove!

Synnove: Don’t worry about me, babe.

Synnove: I’ll be just fine.

Raubahn: Going one-on-one against a sufficiently motivated and extraordinarily pissed off Warrior of Light.

Raubahn: Yep. Today’s a good day.

LET’S GET IT ON

(Rereha: *careens out of observation box, hustle up the tower the other Grand Company commanders have been using* Your Grace!

Nanamo: Yes?

Rereha: A THOUSAND GIL ON SYNNOVE TO WIN.

Nanamo: *narrows eyes* I’ll take that bet.

Merlwyb: Two thousand on Lieutenant Greywolfe.

Kan-E-Senna: Hmph, rubbing it again about that, I see. Two thousand on General Raubahn.

Rereha: >:D)

Anyway, ONE EPIC BEATDOWN LATER:

Raubahn: That. Was. Awesome.

Synnove: Gods damn right it was, hmph.

Heron: Holy shite.

Flame Veteran: Uhh...

Temple Knight: o.o

Rereha: *running around in a circle, screaming excitedly*

Alakhai: Okay, starting to see the appeal of this kind of nonsense.

Nanamo and Kan-E-Senna: Damnit.

Merlwyb: *smug as hell*

Aymeric: What is- oh.

Lucia: Hah!

Commander R’ashaht: Damnit, this is what we get for not calling dibs on our lieutenant ahead of time.

Hilda: You snooze you lose!

Way to state the obvious there, honey.

(I don’t have a witty comment here, just admire Aymeric’s jawline with me.)

Aymeric: All right, love?

Synnove: I just achieved the childhood dream of going one-on-one with my favorite gladiator and winning, I’m fan-fucking-tastic!

Raubahn: Worth it. So awesome.

Aymeric: My girlfriend is amazing.

Lucia: And I officially have no idea which one of you I’m more jealous of right now.

Hilda: Both!

Lucia: Mmm, yes, we’ll go with that.

Aymeric: VICTORY!

Ishgardians: WOOOHOOO!!!!!!!

Aymeric: So, dinner?

Synnove: Hells yes!

And so the Grand Companies lost way too much gil, the Ishgardians saved face and gained some (self-)respect, and the Warrior of Light totally got laid.

HUZZAH, WE’RE DONE, THE END

BONUS:

Aymeric: Emmanellain, if you don’t stop bothering Synnove, I will throw you off the Steps of Faith myself.