#now its your job to figure out if that's bc he's a narcissist or bc he's a hedonist/j

[maskeddiany]

siblings have to share right

[bonesandthebees]

I'm not sure how to phrase this or how to group my thoughts up but I'll try. I very recently figured out that someone I had an on and off relationship with was was verbally and emotionally abusive towards me. I've spent months trying to wrap my head around it and its been a damaging experience for me.

I'm sure most people in the community are aware of Will and his abuse by now. I don't quite know how to process it. I've spent the past couple of days weeding his shit out of my life. I've blocked him on most platforms. Its been hard bc Wil was very much a comfort to me during my shittier relationships. People need to understand this is not the petty shit that normally goes around the internet. Its very real and its effected alot of people. I hate people using this as an excuse to hate on various communitys or people. Wil is the one who deserves your anger. Not anyone else.

His "apology" is so fucking lifeless. Worded like something my boss would text me and that is NOT a good thing for an apology. I send my love to Shelby. Gold can go fuck himself

-- July

firstly I'm so sorry you had to go through that. it can be incredibly difficult coming to the realization that someone you cared about was emotionally/verbally abusive to you, especially since those types of abuse are easier for both others and yourself to excuse compared to something like physical abuse. I hope you're taking care of yourself through all of this

I can only imagine how much of a struggle this has been for you. I'm so sorry you've lost a source of comfort like that. And I agree that people need to understand this isn't people being petty or dramatic. an entire community has imploded in the span of a week. people are allowed to be hurt and upset by that.

his "apology" was almost definitely written by a PR team. and although I think having a PR team look over your words especially when you as a public figure are dealing with a sensitive issue is a good thing, the "apology" made it clear this wasn't about genuinely trying to take accountability or express remorse for hurting shubble. this was about trying to get the heat off his back and nothing more. and he did such a terrible job of it that it became a clout train for every influencer you can think of to jump on his ass and call him a narcissist. that part is kinda funny when you think about it tbh. like how badly do you have to fuck up an apology statement to have lil tay making fun of you for it??

[yinxiong]

tonight, we’re catching fire

muse: lee juyeon x reader (2nd person perspective)

genre: revolution! au, angst + fluff

word count: 1315

warnings: none

summary: what kind of revolution had room for love?

notes: should be self explanatory, but this was inspired by tbz’s reveal (catching fire) performance bc i am so fucking gone for it !!! also lowkey inspired by this post here lol . hope y’all enjoy <3

-

“It’s almost time,” Juyeon whispers the moment you two meet in the middle of the dance floor. His face is hidden behind a beautiful mask of midnight, the black velvet decorated with glossy raven feathers and golden thread that matched the trim on his costume. You had spent days on the entire ensemble, making sure he would blend in with the aristocrats seamlessly, though looking at his bedazzled figure now you wonder if you had done your job a little too well (your quickening heart certainly thinks so). Grateful for your own mask to hide the rising blush in your cheeks, you nod, curtsying briefly before taking the outstretched hand he offers.

“I know,” you reply, settling your fingers on his upper arm as he slides his own around your waist, pulling you close. The hand that holds yours gives a light squeeze, and at the start of the violins, the two of you are gliding away in a flawless waltz, one taught by Changmin and practiced every night for the past month. “I’ve been watching the clock.”

Hanging on the far side of the ballroom, the giant golden disc in question glimmers idly, its hands moving tortuously slow on its journey to midnight. You and Juyeon have been waiting hours for that final strike, the cadence that signaled the end of a day and the start of another. Somewhere in the castle, the other Phantoms were waiting for it too— the strike that will determine the fate of the world.

Yet a part of you wishes it would never come. A selfish desire, considering all the work and planning everyone had put into tonight, to ensure that not a single thing would go wrong. There were lives at stake, after all. Except it really hadn’t occurred to you until now— spinning around a room that sparkled as if it were from a dream, held so delicately by Juyeon like you were a pair of noble lovers who didn’t have sharpened blades hidden within your gilded clothing, didn’t have a mission sitting heavy on your shoulders— that maybe you wanted this moment to last.

“What’s on your mind?” His voice is soft in your ear, a lyrical lilt that blends right into the orchestra playing in the distance. It’s familiar, one you have come to know like a dear friend over the years of working together, and right now it has never felt more comforting. Taking a breath, you allow yourself to relax a bit, to enjoy this dance that neither of you were actually invited to in the first place.

“Truthfully?”

“Truthfully.”

“Well, besides the dread that I might mess up and cause the entire mission to fail,” you laugh deprecatingly just before he twirls you, “I’m wondering how I managed to make you look so good.”

When you return to his arms, you find yourself pressed flush against his chest, his gaze peering curiously into your own through that mask so rudely concealing his flawless features. His tongue darts out briefly to wet his lips, and you’re suddenly hyper-aware of how close your faces are. “How do you mean that?”

“I— I’m admiring how well your costume turned out,” you manage, hoping your painfully red cheeks aren’t too evident beneath the glow of chandeliers.

“And not the person wearing it?” There’s a gleam in his eyes, one you haven’t encountered before. While you felt unnerved, something about it made him even more endearing. Made you want to cross the borders you hadn’t ever dared cross.

Scoffing, you reach up and flick him in the forehead. “I didn’t realize you were such a narcissist, Juyeon. Maybe you should’ve been born a prince after all.”

He smirks, “Well, that might become reality soon enough.”

It was thrilling, talking about the downfall of the royal family in their very own ballroom. Their lavish lifestyles and selfish rule were heard of by many across the kingdom, but known most of all by those that worked in the palace. After years of witnessing their incompetence to save or even care about the dying country, a number of you finally decided that it was time to end their reign. With the help of some nobles like Changmin and Sunwoo, the band crafted an elaborate plan to expose the royal family’s crimes and steal the crown, to be carried out over the period of a year. The months had passed by quickly, and soon the preparations were finished. But your jobs weren’t complete yet— even if the people were now festering with anger, the fuse that would spark everything was still unlit.

And time was running out.

“For the record, you should have more confidence in yourself.” Juyeon is still staring down at you when you come back to your senses, hands falling to rest on your waist as you slowly sway to the final measures of the song. “Everything is going to go well, you’re not going to mess anything up.”

You raise an eyebrow. “And why should I believe that?”

He bites his lip, nervous for a reason you cannot decipher. “Because you have me?”

“And you’re enough?”

“I mean, I should hope so.”

The violins have faded and everyone around you is bustling to join in on the next dance, but neither of you dare move, suspended in your own little bubble at the edge of the ballroom.

“You know,” he says, breath soft on yours, “You look really good in your dress too.”

“Sunwoo is watching,” you blurt dumbly, as if the duke’s son could do anything to stop the two of you right now. Juyeon pauses, eyes falling to your mouth. “I don’t care,” he declares, and before you know it his lips are warm against yours, gentle and sweet and tasting like the strawberry champagne you had passed off to him earlier.

Not once has it ever crossed your mind that something in this world could be described as perfect, because your entire life has been full of flaws up until now. But then Juyeon tilts his head for a better angle and curls his fingers into your hair and you might just pass out from how utterly right this feels. When you tug at his bottom lip, he lets out a soft moan, and that’s all it takes for you to cup his face and press closer, closer so there’s no longer a distance between that leaves your heart wrenching.

You don’t want this to end, you don’t want him to pull away, you don’t want to return to the quiet stares and awkward smiles and unfulfilled longing. Both of you have been wanting this for a while now, you realize with a jolt, and at once you kiss him harder.

Unfortunately, even the sweetest of dreams will cease, come morning.

“It’s time,” you whisper the moment you two separate. Juyeon’s eyes look pained, with a hint of regret, and you almost kiss him again. However, you both know there are far more pressing matters at hand.

There are five minutes until the clock strikes midnight. Five minutes for you to move into position. Five minutes before the country gets completely turned on its head.

Juyeon grasps your hands once more, lacing your fingers together as he memorizes your eyes. “We’re going to come out of this alive, alright?”

You nod, not daring to show any weakness in your final moments together. “Of course. Who else would wear the crown other than you?”

He laughs, pure and bright. It’s enough to light up the sky, you’re certain.

“Ready to catch fire?”

The revolution was starting. Tomorrow, the king will be no longer. Tomorrow, your blade will be stained with blood.

“I have always been ready.”

Tonight, the world will be covered in flames.

“Then let’s go reveal the true king.”

And when the day breaks, Juyeon will still be standing by your side.

-

fin.

[bettsfic]

I would LOVE to hear your thoughts on breaking bad if you feel like sharing!! You're done with it, right?

oh my god thank you for asking. you have no idea how much i want to talk about this show but i’m running in a decade late with starbucks and feel weird just cold posting about it. i just finished the whole series and i watched el camino twice, and i’ve also been catching up on bts stuff and digging through a bit of the meta commentary of the time. i haven’t started BCS but i plan to soon.

first off, when i started watching the show, i realized i actually had seen a bit of it. it turns out i saw the first 3 seasons back in 2011, but it was shortly after my dad had died of cancer, and my boyfriend insisted on watching it. i remember telling him that it made me uncomfortable because it was too close to home. my dad had cancer for 4 years, and mom was going through bankruptcy because of all the medical bills. my boyfriend didn’t care. he made me keep watching, and i guess we broke up before we got to s4. or maybe there were only 3 seasons out at the time. either way, i set it down in 2011 and vowed not to watch it. 

then a month or so ago, i finished westworld 3, got obsessed with aaron paul, and decided to give brba another go.

(this gets personal. so putting the rest under a cut!)

so s1 and 2 are solidly okay. the show seemed like it was finding its feet and didn’t know what it wanted to be, a comedy or a tragedy, but i know that feeling and sometimes i really like when stories toe that divide, so i didn’t mind. s1 and 2, i was mostly marveling over how utterly beautiful aaron paul is. my god.

s3 has some major pacing issues (monologues! so many monologues!!), but the show starts to really come into itself and figure out What It Is. i skipped over a lot of stuff after reading wiki summaries, mostly that just seemed like suffer porn and which i knew would dwell a lot in discomfort. then we get to the episode where jesse monologues at walt about how walt ruined his life, and i was just sobbing. i don’t think a tv show has ever made me cry like that. i was ruined.

even if the writing of those seasons isn’t the best, the direction and performances are some of the best i’ve ever seen in television. aaron paul and bryan cranston could read a phonebook at each other and make it compelling.

the entire time, i just wanted jesse and walt to get on each other’s sides and work together. i was in it for the loyalty kink. i had no idea there would be so much angst, and i was veering toward the point of giving up. but i was assured repeatedly by friends that it would get better.

and it did. walt saves jesse. walt fights for jesse. jesse fights for walt. THEY WORK TOGETHER. and more importantly, their relationship starts to get so fucked up, so codependent, so toxic. and not in the way shows usually portray fucked-up relationships, like totally oblivious to its own toxicity. this show leans in. it seems to know the entire time exactly the psychological connotations its evoking, and it does it intentionally. and i really value it for that. 

s4 is where the show went from “pretty good” to “holy shit.” i’ve never seen a more accurate and clear portrayal of a narcissist. my triggers are many, varied, and wildly inconsistent, but i was in a state of being mildly triggered for days, and i really appreciated that feeling, that a story could push me that far and make me reflect as deeply as it did. i tend to go wild over anything that can make me feel something, even if it’s bad. most stuff i read and watch just kind of numbs and distracts me. this show wasn’t an escape so much as an assault. and i loved it for that.

my dad was a narcissist, and every interaction between jesse and walt or skyler and walt brought up a thousand memories of things my dad said and did. at one point, when walt is really at his worst, i think around skyler telling him she’s waiting for his cancer to come back, i remember thinking, “if walt were a little bit meaner, he would be just like my dad.”

and oh boy, that thought fucked me up. my dad was worse than the most believably evil character in the history of television. i got diagnosed with ptsd in 2017 and have spent these past 3 years more or less fighting that diagnosis, thinking, “it wasn’t that bad!” because my dad wasn’t physically violent. at least not frequently. and i’ve never been able to articulate what exactly my dad did that was so bad, or how insidious his behavior was. he didn’t cook meth obviously, but he had that false disenfranchisement attitude, that resentfulness that walt has toward his family for taking his greatness from him, that regret at not being more than he was. 

but seeing my dad’s behavior playing out on screen, not just accurately but calling it out for exactly as fucked up and toxic as it was -- and how it affects, destroys, all the other characters -- it may have been hard to watch, but i’ve never felt so validated. i finally feel like i’m not faking it anymore or making it up or being dramatic. or, as my dad liked to say, “too sensitive.” i’ve only ever been able to write about my dad in sections, put pieces of him in different characters, because to put him fully into anything, fiction or non, feels like it would completely eject a reader from the story. brba showed me there’s a way to do it, and now i feel inspired to maybe tell that story finally. 

so i’m intensely grateful to vince gilligan for making a believable, empathetic (not sympathetic) narcissist, and writing his long and steady decline into evil. on a storytelling level, it was extremely satisfying to watch, because most writers don’t have the patience to stick with evil characters, or really get into their psychology. on a personal level, i feel like i’ve worked through a lot of stuff while watching it, and i feel like a major weight has been lifted. 

a lot of mass media is made by people who are just taking jobs and don’t really care about what they’re doing. it’s clear that everyone involved is just looking for a paycheck. but i got the sense the entire time i was watching brba that everyone really loved and believed in what they were doing. there was a carefulness to the story and a sensitivity in it that kept me glued the entire time. 

and i won’t even get started with el camino because that’s a whole different rant, involving how in absolute awe i am of aaron paul, but i loved it so so much, and i’m 10k into a post-EC fic that i’m hoping to post in a week or so. (unrelated but i just watched a table reading of a s5 brba episode and aaron paul just WRECKS himself during it. everyone else is kind of panning their lines, but he’s just sitting there SOBBING. i’m glad he won the emmys he deserved for his performance. if anyone wants to come talk to me about aaron paul, i am HERE)

we’ll see how i feel in a year, but as of right now, brba in my top 5 favorite (drama) shows of all time. it’s really rare that i both 1) think show/book/movie is extremely good and 2) get obsessed enough to write fic about it. usually i only write fic about stuff that has unmet potential, and i feel compelled to fix it or use the characters for something else. but in the case of brba, i’m more interested in expansion and homage.

anyway i’m probably going to watch el camino again tonight. happy to take more asks about brba!

[theoraclehealer]

Jung, mysticism and psychopomp signature.

Sept 28, 2017

chiron and carl jung

and the zodiac signs

taurus has to ascend. what does that even mean, right?

as i sat with this, i imagined somehow seeing a taurus - bull - rise up into the air and go up the heavens. I’m clueless.

so i sat with this some more and thought about the introvert, as she seems to be in need of the most help here.

there always comes a time when i have these breathing episodes and everything runs amok.

for example:

ok, how bad is this?

how bad will this be?

and then i have to sit with it and see if i reach a point where it will just stop or carry on for a bit longer. this morning’s episode was awful (i still blame the seroquel). there are many tricks that i will try - reasoning my way through it, sounds, rescue remedy, coffee, water, contemplation, whatever … but then ill even try talking to myself but out loud, pretending someone is there with me.

focus has been a BIG theme here … but now I’m realizing that its actually human connection.

so ill talk out loud and see if that works.

but this morning was difficult - it changed a lot but was also more stubborn until i started to realize just how bad this sheer terror is that i have around death.

i contemplated a couple of times whether or not i wanted to call 9/11 but that proved to be problematic for a few reasons - one namely, i was home alone and was stuck upstairs so i couldn’t really go all the way down stairs and then upstairs and then change my clothes, find my shoes, make sure the dogs were okay, etc.

but in my mind, it was clear to me that i just wanted someone around and sadly, other than my mom, EMS workers are my only shot. 

how difficult is it to heal from all of this … on my own?

narcissistic abuse … emotional deficits all over the place … sheer terror … profound rejection 

and yet no one to look to in the eye.

no one to “pull you out of it” when you need it the most. 

so it could be that the introvert would have gotten hurt at any time because in the end, she’s the traumatized one. and now in order to get taurus to ascend, i have to find her and tell her it’s okay … but ask me if i believe that it will be?

theres a chakra component here though and as i started to type this, i felt the shift in my lower chakras rise. i saw a red/pink light in the distance.

i have lost the passion for life and living. because my life was taken from me. all of it. blindsided and then burned. you wake up and its ALL gone because YOU understand the gravity of the disaster that you will now have to face, its a sense of knowing. 

the people around me are tired to me.

i was in love with something before. it wasn’t a man but it was … the air. the moon. the sun. and the stars. 

isn’t it great? she thought. 

and now the world around HER this time, not God … has grown dark. 

its take a great amount of effort to get out of the house.

because i generally don’t care.

whats in it for me?

so i drifted off to the left, to look around and think.

i realized the contemplative aspect of me has also severely suffered. another I in NFP.

but it was then that i realized who she was and we reconnected.

morissey’s - how soon is now? ran through my head.

then out of the corner of my eye, i could see my phone lighting up but it wasn’t a notification - it was red, orange and yellow - and i heard “its a bird” and by the flames that encompassed this image, i could tell it was the phoenix. i smiled.

my left arm said “i want my life back”

and was happy for about a few seconds but then stopped because … life.

the magic doesn’t uplift me anymore.

i want to be concrete for a time and see that life can be mine again. but i feel like i am owed something … from someone and yet all avenues are shut.

chiron told me i had a job to do.

isn’t that always the case?

even if i found $50,000 and i moved out … my health is still bad. the nebulizer is the bane of my existence.

i have gone through so many phases where i THINK I’m going to ween myself off of it and then there’s a kick back … of something i don’t understand … but last time, i blame the sleep study. and again, even as smart as i am and as intuitive as i am … with my history, someone should have stepped in and said “no way … lets talk this out instead because you matter”.

everything comes … after the fact.

even the help.

—————

things worth mentioning bc it gets so sticky throughout the day - i have been having upper back pain and have had to lay on the floor and hearing some pops around my neck but the pain is around c4. i suspect the seroquel relaxed things TOO much and through this nerve into a mess. laying down doesn’t help but sleeping in the chair is causing numbness and tingling in my hands again. I’m getting pain in my infraspinatus - both sides. this can be the only thing that i can think of that causes weird and sudden attacks, randomly.

the episodes take forever to resolve. and the pain at SI9 gets worse when i have these episodes ... very local and sharp pain.

something else to note, i don’t know the stages in which the healing happens ... with the vertebrae ... passions and love ... C4 ... insane heartbreak and emotional neglect and lack of emotional support.

and then things calm down, after i get so angry because of the physical damage/repair thats STILL happening ... and you realize just how  many layers you have to build UP and not work through ... to get to the emotional body ... and where intuition comes from as you’re doing acupuncture on a client and you see a blue/purple small round light appear on your left pointer finger and you hear “john lennon” is your intuitive guider of principles long forgotten like “love is all you need” because love makes you feel like you can overcome ANY of your demons. Victor said that when we were talking last year, that he felt more stable.

——

hindsight is 20-20 right?

Elizabeth Thorson told me that unless i get grounded, I’m not going to know what work I’ve done will stick.

That was …. about 8 months ago and THIS is how long its taking me … after her esteemed shamans all failed.

“love is all you need”

———————-

so at the end of the day, this has not been an uplifting journey. and i have a new definition of “enlightenment”.

but I just did a search online for remedies for herniated discs and came across st johns wort oil and elderberry.

i had been told by “myself” that i didn’t need the elderberry anymore.

funny enough, muscle pain and tension has been an issue ever since … and thats exactly what one website said it helps with. 

pisces sabotage. 

and where has the help from the other dimensions been for this?

and whats a firefly? and why was it getting in my way today?

this is all going to end up wrapping up and i have no say in anything. it has to happen and i don’t want to stay like this but there is no book or teacher that i have here on earth to reassure me that things are indeed winding down.

my entire life has been trauma. and many things happen suddenly. my death happened suddenly and has been MORE trauma.

I’m running into problems talking to some clients about things like … their grief bc instinctually, i pull from experience and can only be as “fake” honest as i can be, knowing they’re not going through what I’m going through. 

but when the extra energy and interference is gone, what work is left for me to do? how quiet will life be? will it be a rough transition? and how much longer will i be alone? my mouth keeps saying … as if being fed words from the left … but think of how fruitful your life is going to be! and i go … prove it.

——

and as i try to just sit with what i just wrote, i also sit with one of my other selves who seems to be championing me … trying to tell me that she’s going to help me take melatonin tomorrow … and if she’s not here, to take it at 9pm.

THIS alone triggers my biggest fear but i should be allowed to …. SIT.

my eyes go to the keyboard … “christine’s biggest fear is coming up! meows!”

and now i have that on my mind … unless i just keep typing. 

but is the electricity too much for me today?

FUCK.

spiritual awakening or spirit murder? this journey has been horrible. 

————

lets talk. 

so you’re all full of shit.

I’ve been astral traveling day in and day out to heal … myself.

taoist astral gods of healing. 

i can call on whomever i need in a pinch.

but i “step outside” of myself to try and gain a different perspective right?

but she sees things i cannot.

i just wish there was more information because then i would have been more willing … and just allowed it to happen with an understanding. 

theres other things going on that i am “feeling” out … and i suspect MY spirits are the ones swirling around, swiping shit away. 

i started to become more and more suspicious of “the spirits reside within” … until you derail in the most horrifying way possible and they have to step in and do the work.

“we want our girl back!!!”   - said to Petra who didn’t spend any time in exploring this with me. i dissociated but i didn’t black out. i heard the whole thing. she just watched …. and probably thought “ohhhh a case study … how freudian”

so who’s in my eyes?

I’ve already suspected a few things here … but i get the shen, liver, gall bladder and the bladder and the eyes. 

i get that the shen scatter with trauma but something is a-miss.

——

earlier today, twice at least, i thought of arielle and her death. she died in her sleep. and i had been talking to a client about this tonight and said that we all have these experiences, day in and day out and while its not easy (she was struggling with losing her friend recently), its better to allow yourself the time to process it. i had shared with her the complications of dealing with my own death and coma, along with dealing and processing arielle’s. she died in her sleep and i fear dying in my sleep … and its two-fold because i now have a coma to contend with. its hard to figure this one out as its a lot of imagery more so than words attached to a feeling … and this could be the curse of an empath.

she was so young. when she initially came through, whether it was her or not, i was feeling something different towards her than others … i was shut down a bit and well, on some level, feeling at one with her. 

“hey - hows it going - this shit is nuts right?”

“I’m sorry you’re dead, arielle.”

you’re DEAD.

[cookinguptales]

update: lmao I am so fucking doped up right now. sorry to the world that I got behind on shimamatsu translations, but have you ever tried to translate while on muscle relaxants? it’s a bad scene. god, I’m in a lot of pain rn.

gonna talk about some of the movies from the film festival below the cut. doped up af but I’ve seen like 14 movies so far, hella. tomorrow I probably have to skip bc I just took two cyclos and that is gonna fuck me the hell up.

movies I’d recommend:

thelma a norwegian film which is basically a coming-of-age story for a fundie christian girl who goes to college and realizes she’s a lesbian. oh, and that she has insane supernatural powers. (it’s kind of carrie-ish but with canon f/f, but imo a lot better than carrie.) the love story is really interesting, if incredibly dark. like if you’re in the mood for dark, kind of mindfuck-y f/f, this is your film. despite the very long upcoming list of potential triggers, it’s not as scary or brutal as it sounds. lmao. highly recommended, probably the film I’ve enjoyed most so far. (tw: violence, nudity, drug use, death, [spoilers] child abuse, possible mind control, child death)

custody a french film based on a short film that I saw a few years ago, and it’s fantastic and gut-wrenching. the short film was about a woman running away from her abusive husband with her children; this feature-length film is about what happens when a stupid judge ignores what both the wife and children have to say and gives him joint custody. (spoilers: it doesn’t end well.) interestingly, it has all the same cast as the original short film, though the kids are markedly older. idk if it’s meant to be a straight sequel or if one just inspired the other. really well done, tho, I was fuckin white-knuckling it in the theater. people were like. yelling. the climax of that film is INTENSE. probably the best quality film we’ve seen so far, though I think the plot could’ve been tightened up a little. (tw: very explicit depictions of physical and emotional abuse, very terrifying moments. [spoilers] but no child death.)

I, Tonya tonya harding biopic. I’m not really a big one for biopics, but this was a good one. it tried to explain how harding’s life led her to where she got, but didn’t necessarily paint her as some innocent victim. it was sympathetic where it needed to be, empathetic where it needed to be, but rarely let her get away with bullshit. lot of good performances here, but Margot Robbie (even though she looked way too old for the part) did a great job. (tw: explicit child/spousal abuse)

the villainess Korean lady-gets-revenge-on-shitty-men bloody action flick. not really my genre, admittedly, but I feel like anyone who likes this kind of movie would really enjoy this one. very Kill Bill-esque. it’s the story of this girl who basically gets passed around between illicit assassination organizations, in-fighting, revenge on all those who wronged her, etc. it is Very Bloody and many people die. the action scenes are HQ if you are into that kind of thing. I was mostly invested in the huge amounts of f/f potential. like at one point she joins an assassin organization where all the operatives are female and that whole part of the movie!! was very gay!! the actual canon relationships are het, but there is a strong potential for dark f/f murderwives here. (tw: haha oh boy if it’s a problem it’s probably here. implied CSA, child abuse, creepy relationships, violence, gore, nudity, child death, everyone else death, non-con facial surgery...like it’s bloody af okay...)

love means zero this is a documentary about nick bollettieri, who’s this super famous tennis coach. (apparently.) I knew next to nothing about the world of professional tennis going into this documentary, but I still enjoyed it bc wtf this guy is a piece of work. it’s basically all about how he fucked over a ton of people (especially kids) when he was trying to make tennis champions. and how he succeeded! by fucking over a ton of people! the interviews with him are honestly kind of wild bc he’s just such a crazy narcissist. this was especially weird for me to watch bc I grew up in the sarasota/bradenton area and never even knew all this shit was going on there. it was weird seeing my hometown on the screen like that, but also interesting. (tw: child abuse, just generally being a fuckboi)

MOVIES THAT WERE OKAY but like I had Issues

brimstone and glory I feel like I really recommend going out to see this one if you can see it on the big screen. it’s a documentary about a fireworks festival in Mexico and honestly the cinematography is stunning. it’s just so, so, so cool. but the actual documentary part is kind of boring sometimes, and you gotta have a strong stomach bc it also shows some of the injuries people get at this insane festival. like I don’t think showing that is a bad thing; I think it’s the only responsible way to make a documentary about this festival. like it’s amazing, it’s so cool, but also these people are like. going blind, losing hands, dying. and taking their kids!! like if you cannot handle watching kids in dangerous situations, don’t go!! dad was freaking out, lmao. (tw: graphic depiction of real-life injuries)

radiance a Japanese film about a woman who writes audio description for blind movie-goers. the same director made An (Sweet Bean Paste) a couple years ago, which was notable for its depiction of what Japan does to its citizens who have Hansen’s Disease. (leprosy.) it was weird to me when that movie came out that none of the reviewers really talked about that aspect of the movie; they were all like “UGH IT WAS SO POINTLESS AND CLOYING” and I’m like “did you miss the point of the movie?? which was critiquing the social ostracization of these people in Japanese society??? did that completely go over your heads????” anyway, I appreciated the depiction of PWD in Japan bc having lived there while disabled, I know that shit isn’t easy. that’s why I went to go see radiance. it was...okay? I think the most interesting part was when they let the blind characters talk. the movie was otherwise pretty pretentious and self-indulgent. lmao. like... it’s a rent, don’t buy situation.

marlina the murderer in four acts this movie was not bad! it’s an indonesian film about a woman whose home is invaded and she kills all the invaders. it’s definitely a film that critiques misogyny in indonesian culture, but I feel like it undercut its own message by showing such incredibly graphic rapes. like honestly, I don’t really ever recommend movies that have very graphic rape scenes, but I guess she does end up killing her rapists during the rape scenes. I just. I feel like it could have been done in a way that won’t get people all sexually excited while watching a violent rape. : / y’know? other than that, though, I really liked the female characters in the movie and sympathized with marlina’s journey trying to get society to help her and realizing she had to just go it alone with her female friends. bc like. she’s attacked by men, but she’s also revictimized by shitty ordinary men all the time she’s trying to get to town, report the attack, etc. and so are the other female cahracters. so they just. have to be vigilantes. (tw: GRAPHIC rape, violence, mild gore, spousal abuse)

newton Indian film about a guy going out to the jungle to get votes in the main election. but like. none of the people out there even know who the candidates are, there’s a lot of anti-government violene, the villagers are caught between anarchists and the police, it’s just a mess. and I do think the movie was good at showing the futility of it all and showing how the people who really end up getting fucked over are the poor people in rural areas, but at the same time like. pacing was uneven, tone was ???, and I found the protagonist irritating. and there was what appeared to be some pasted on het which made no sense. (like honestly I cannot figure out why she ever wanted to talk to his dumb ass again.)

blade of the immortal it’s takashi miike making blade of the immortal. I mean. I feel like if you are familiar with those names, you already know if you want to see it or not. if you aren’t, idk how much you’d like it anyway. after already having watched miike’s ace attorney adaptation, I sense a pattern. the guy just looks at a HUGE corpus (like a VG with 5 cases, or a manga with 40 volumes) and is like “welll....then I guess we better make things fast.” so you have Big Bads being introduced in the same breath that they get killed, 30-second backstories, just a frenetic pace and a huge amount of information, and it’s confusing and overwhelming if you don’t already know it. and honestly, I haven’t read BotI so I can’t say how faithful this was. but if you already love the characters and just want miike’s trademark bloody action flick style, then I mean. fair enough. this here’s a bloodbath. I had a hard time getting emotionally invested as a fresh viewer, tho. highlight of the evening: an old man walking out grumbling about how he only likes classy martial arts movies, and apparently this did not qualify. having seen a lot of classics of the martial arts genre, still unsure what a “classy” martial arts film looks like. (tw: offscreen rape, death, blood, gore, just an unreasonable amount of killing honestly like it was funny by the end, attempted CSA)

gemini this is a “neo-noir” thriller. so essentially a murder mystery. unfortunately, the title of the movie basically gives away the entire story lmao. so while the build-up wasn’t bad, the entire last 15-20 minutes of the movie are a total letdown. it was nice to see canon f/f, I guess, but I feel like the movie never went in hard enough on that. like were they trying to make a point about how hard it is for celebrities to have same-sex relationships? I’m not sure!! I can think of a lot of things that would make this plot more interesting, but they just didn’t do them. acting was fine, I guess. John Cho was in it, even if his character was pointless. Zoe Kravitz is always fun. (tw: I mean it’s a murder mystery. so...murder.)

DID NOT ENJOY

scaffolding (israeli film, boring af)

the workshop (french film, kind of boring, makes questionable points about neo-nazis)

[temenosjournal]

So the other morning I’m on my way to work, passing by the elementary school here in The Village, and I am all of a sudden cross-legged on the floor of the library, head buried in this book I discovered. It was, oh, maybe 20 years ago now and this was my second co-op towards becoming a Library Tech. I had been putting the books away when I came across it. Hadn’t seen it in years. Actually, had completely forgotten about it until that moment I grabbed it from the stack on the trolley and was about to set it alphabetically back on the shelf.

Sylvester, the mouse with the musical ear Book by Adelaide Holl

Some little girls dreamed of being the princess, others Doctors, Veterinarians, Ballerina’s, I wanted to be Sylvester.

I wanted to travel the land inside a musician’s guitar, to pop out, like Sylvester, and sit by the fire while the strains of the guitar fill the night, as our campfire crackles away the darkness. It seemed to be the perfect way to be; footloose and fancy-free.

That displaced country mouse, his home destroyed to make way for a highway, happens upon the music shop near his lost meadow, and so he comes to find himself on the road with this travelling musician. Even now as I was looking for images from the book, I am again enchanted by its illustrations, by N. M. Bodecker.

Strange how these memories go, eh? One minute you’re in your nice and cozy world, heading off to work, and the next I’m 7 years old listening to Mom read my favourite book to me, imagining myself as a mouse living inside someone’s guitar.

I come from parents with a history of ancestors living in the same place for centuries – both the American and Canadian sides. Of a people who generally are born, grew up, married and eventually died in the same place, with few exceptions (my Dad being one of those exceptions). Aside from those ancestors that first took that great journey across the Ocean to North America, I would be hard-pressed to find an ancestor with the same adventurous spirit as that mouse. I come from very rooted people, salt of the earth farmers, living on the land of their forefathers’ fathers, sweat equity their reward.

It got me to thinking about the choices I’ve made over the years, and how I now see that many of them, moving away to Toronto, going to Australia when I was 19, my sojourn up at the Lake with Tim, and maybe even my love of cycling, all now make perfect sense – I have always wanted to be free, to be the rebel on a great adventure to anywhere, quietly riding along in someone else’s guitar.

I had a fellow BealArt student I used to run into all the time at music festivals in the summer. I’d see his distinctive blue and white polka-dot hat bopping along somewhere in the crowd and would know it was him. He was a painter, and lived by his brush, only taking odd jobs to make ends meet. The last time I saw him he was selling everything that wouldn’t fit in his backpack and on his way by bicycle to Florida. I was wowed by his spirit, and his faith and strength. To be able to just get up and go whenever one feels the notion, to have so little that ties you to a place that you can just leave, maybe never come back.

It is a completely foreign concept to me. I have always had too many things that kept me grounded; or thought I did. As much a “tea towel in the wind” that I can be, in reality, I have not ventured as far or as wide as that mouse from so long ago.

When I first moved out with my girlfriend at 19, within a year of us living together she asked me if I wanted to move with her out to BC. BC of the majestic mountains and gigantic Red Woods to many Canadians is an oasis of free thinkers and a province for those of the adventurous spirit, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t at the time give away my cat, sell my stuff, and move West. It still seems like the incredible journey to me.

I mean, I’ve made some grand moves, yet never so far away it would be difficult to return. Never so remote that I simple train or bus could not return me to my home within hours of departure. Never so far away that I couldn’t afford to return.

Or so I thought.

Yet, when I look back at all the choices I’ve made over the years since I moved out at 19 years old, I now see that in fact I have often tucked myself up in someone’s guitar case and travelled along with them. Metaphorically at least. It is in that spirit that Tim found me, displeased with how life had given me the bum steer, with my Divorce and the death of my Mom. How I felt that even Toronto was not far away enough, and so he took me up to his Lake, and for a while, I was almost so far away I could not so easily return. I often remember sitting at that kitchen table, looking out at the beauty of the calm lake, drinking my morning coffee before Tim had awoken, wondering how on earth I was going to get away from him, how I was going to figure out how to get the courage to reach out.

We never had a lot of money, and I admit my love of the place, well, it kept me there for longer than it should have. I cared for Tim, sure I loved him, but he was a master manipulator, a narcissist I now understand, and I was stuck in my mind; not bodily. The only chains that kept me in place were those of fear and pride.

And with his death by cancer I was released, and after his ashes were buried, after that long winter on my own at that Lake I loved, I finally returned to my home. After over a decade away, and to the one place I had always wanted to be, right at the heart of this Village within a City.

I’ve for the longest time thought I would have disappointed that 7-year-old who’s ideal was a vagabond mouse. That I had not indulged my adventure-loving child within.

Actually, I think I’ve always somehow managed to “tread where Angels fear to go”. I have been taken off on adventures, and have taken off on them all on my own. Even if I have often felt tethered, I have also managed to stray from the path, ventured off into the wilds, explored the edges, gravitated to the fringe. I have never desired a suburban hum-drum-addy life with a life mate, 2.5 kids and a two-door garage and neighbours who only know you by name, all safely tucked into a white picket fence life. So I guess it shouldn’t surprise me that I have the friends I do, as there are those of us who just do not fit in those white bread neighbourhoods of sameness. We do have a tendency to find one another, like homing pigeons, we seem to eventually find others of our kind.

I do not feel comfortable with the small talkers with their credit cards and mortgages. The set who rarely venture off the path, who always take the well-trodden way. I want to be with the artists, and free thinkers, the carpenters, and the guitar players who live by their craft. Sometimes living vicariously through their adventures, my adventures have been of the mind, if not always the body.

Last night, sitting there in D3’s cluttered woodworking shop, covered in sawdust, the wood stove burning away and I’m taking pictures of him working so I can post the shots on the new website I’m making for him, and it struck me that I have not disappointed that child inside. In fact, I kind of felt a little like Sylvester, sitting there watching him create this beautiful thing from scraps of wood he found at the side of the road.

But when I was going to work the other morning I felt a little disappointed in myself, that I had not had the courage to go off on more adventures. Yet, it’s all a matter of perspective.

Sure, I haven’t travelled the universe, yet, yet. It wasn’t just the adventures of Sylvester, though, that I loved, it was also the person he found in that travelling musician.

You know, D3 is amazing at living in the moment, and for him, it was never a choice, not really, he was always a carpenter, and his adventures, much like mine, have not taken him too far afield.

Whether we’re sitting around his clutter table, or within his workshop, whether his hands are caressing the wood or the strings of a guitar or mandolin (as he can play both), I am that mouse with the musical ear, sitting listening to the crackle of the fire. These vagabonds at heart, you know, these left of centres are my people.

I was always Sylvester.

How I Became A Vagabond Mouse So the other morning I'm on my way to work, passing by the elementary school here in The Village, and I am all of a sudden cross-legged on the floor of the library, head buried in this book I discovered.