#now im pissed offf and i cant focus on my fuckign work

[sniffercliff]

daily fucking reminder that it costs nothing to mind ur own fucking business

[gyahyahyahayhahayahyahyahyahyaha]

this IS ridiculous and stupid and im only perpetuating it and stewing in it but like my whole, at this point, instinctual, response to being in the presence of this shithead is to go 'i have to kill that shithread/myself' is part of the reason why things are still the same and only getting worse. because i did kinda chose some of the worst time wasting things to focus on all this time and it was in fact just only distracting myself from these thoughts. nothing more. cuz i mean i couldnt really function and do anything else otherwise not without acting on these thoughts. ive been trying to not act on these thougths for so long but i dont have TIME to distract myself from them anymore so like... lol. i ve wasted too much time simply distracting myself and not like. doing anything else that might have... allowed me to extricate myself from this fucking situation. i am yet again, simply just tryiing to offload some of this fucking rage and anger building up. and like. as per usual the same regular thoughts keep pouring in. "what is the point at this point, on not just simply succumbing"

regarless of how things have been since however long ago. i stil have this ingrained fear+anger response. i get so mindbendingly incensed at their mere presence. i was literally cursing and sweaing my fuckign ass off audibly yesterday because i didnt feel safe with them at my back. and of course just simply being around them just pisses me offf and of fucking course instead of doing anything about it they complains to someone else about it. i cant talkt o themn either. what good is that going to do. nothing meaningful or good is going to come out of it.

theres no point. theres no fuckign point. obciosuly i have to focus on what CAN be done antd the more important shit but like. man. cmon. thats the whole issue. I CANT. i cant fuckign focus. and i keep wasting time. whether to distract msyelf or just.simply wasting time. all this time i know ive been focusing on the wrong things but like also its been so hard just keeping up with my fuckign hygiene and like keeping the house clean and it only gets harder becuase we dont have a fucking working DISHWASHER or WASHER or DRYER. and also cuz fo like depression bullshit. i dont want to get into "listing excuses" territory but like. ive BEEN using lots of stupid excuses all thistime. but also like i imagine because that bitch piece of shit is tryna make a more focused effort to cut n run theres no way in hell we're getting any replacements anytime soon. which just again just is making me so mad. this is something ive dreamed of. for so long. now that that stoupid bastard bitch piece of shit is leaving. ive more or less ruined/burned all mybridges so like idk. and i knew this hatred and fear would poison and burn me inside out. and probably catch fire to whatevers near me.

i dont want to say its impossible cuz like... its not. thats the whole thing. but it IS its hard to focuson other things, enough to get them done and dealt with... and even more so when mynumber one go to thought is in fact, "whats the fuckitn point" and so it fuckign cycles

and so it has been these last 20+ years.

i dont want to be like this. buti have been. and even now after all this suicidal ideation and ideas and whatever about "disappearing quietly and without a trace" im still fuckign posting about it... wonder what that fuckign means lol

again. YES its fucking stupid that things are like this. ITS FUCKING PATHETIC i let things get to this point. that i didnt do anything worthwile to mitigate or even TRY really. i did. i used to. but i realied it was kinda fruitless to do what i was TRYING to do and i kinda gave up on everything else. and i internalized that kinda thinking for so ong that i just didnt do anything since then. its pathetic. i could have broken out of this. i could have done SOMETHIN to leave. i should have just run away as a child. I SHOULD have done anything. i should have done SOMETHIGN. i can still DO SOMETHING. BUT AGASIN. i just look at my options. all the shit ihave to do and go,

"WHATS THE FUCKING POINT"

and the only things that i can actually see myself doing are reaching out towards probalby the most extreme and (maybe) unrealistic options out there.

and i say unrealistic cuz if i havent done those things at any point up til now, what chance is there of me doing something now. or when i no longer have a choice......

.............................i still have a fuckign choice

i still have time i guess......

but...a gain that fucking pulsing, overbearing thought leering and looming over my head saying the same shit over n over an over again.

"what is the point"

i can think of some answers to that...... sometimes.

maybe....

but even then its like.

i did this. i let things get to this point.

i made the decisions i did that cut off almost all form of exit. of escape or whatever route coud be taken to get out of this fucking mire.

and im languishing in it like some fucking idiot instead of doing something.

ive ruined my chances and i shouldnt and cant expect help. because what the fuck is anyone going to do that can actually fucking help me. whos to say tha i wont make things worse for whoever does help me. me i guess but i mean like.

the answer has been clear to me for so long now.

leave this place and die in some hole.

OR stay here and languish until you die here or they call the police and whatever happens then happens lol.

......and i like. i know. whenever whatever ends up happening. how i feel now and i how i envision it happenig will more than likely be COMPLETELY different ffom what does actually end up happening. but like. im scared either way . if things go the way i envision them going or if things go the way i dont. im scared of it either way cuz neither will be good.

like far as im concerned my only REAL, feasible options are rotting out on the street, killing myself, going to some prision/mental hospital or all of the above. (and maybe also somewhere inbetween now and then, bleeding out due to whatever going on with my body OR complications arising from losing consistent amounts of blood every day forthe last few years on n off). and well i think i deserve it.

i..... for as long as i can remember. never could see a feasible or realistic future or myslef. i had all these ideas and ambitions based in what might as well be delusion/fantasy because i never realy put all that much time or effort into working towards making those ambitions real or feasible. and now even still i cannot see ahead of me. i cannot fucking envision what continuing to be alive would be. aside from rotting until im actually dead. and then rotting some more. i dont want to die where someone will find me.

ive never been able to see a future for myself.

and like yeah. sure. you can fuckign craft one or whatever...

but..................................

WHAT IS THE FUCKING POINT.

even when i come up with answers to that question that i feel should be pretty strong contenders they always. kinda. just. fall flat.

in the face of everything. else... what am i willing to do for those reasongs. what am i willign to sacrifice. what am i willing to fuckign do. what effort am i willing to put in. i never felt like i was able to honestly or accurately answer those fucking quesitons.

and so again. i just feel like everythign i have is just. upheld by falsehoods. and maybe it actually is. but like. what have i done to say or prove otherwise.

what am i willing to do to make it real.......

i dont know.

ive been doing this same shit for so long.

unable to answer the important questions in any sort of meaningful way that feels solid or real.

yelling at myself to just DO IT, whatever IT may be.

coming up with stupi dlil workaround and convoluted rituals to get myself to do the things I WANT to do. WHATEER that might be. or thigns i NEED TO do. and barely bein able to take care of myself. i mean fuck i live in this house on someone elses money. im NOT taking care of myself. but like ive been so focused on tryna at least clean up after myself that i like just. dont do anything else. except waste time. on shit that doesnt matter cuz i not putting in the effort to make it matter. to make something of it. i.... idk...

like id like to be able to say ive been doing SOMETHIN to get outta this situation. like i have so much shit to catch up on like been essentially.... COLLECTING resources for all the things i need to prepare and do in order to catch up on what nees to be done. collecting resources for... STARTING. but i see these documents and pages and stuf that they require and i just freeze. up. i see they require like other ppl's signatures and like all my personal information like my dead name and alls orts of other shit and i just freeze up. i look at the other boxes to fill out and imaybe ill fill them out. but then i look back at the others. i stop. and then i dont save my progress and then i just. look away. go do something else. distract myself. it just. keeps happening. it keeps fucking happening. i shouldnt have had this many chances to squander. to WASTE. i shouldnt have had this many chances and this much time to WASTE. but i did. AND I WASTED IT ALL. AND I DONT SEE THE POINT IN BOTHERING. LIKE. MAYBE. IDK. MAYBE I DO MAYBE ITS BOTH I DO AND I DONT.

its just been all this same damn stupid ass shit. all the time. what do i have to show for anything.... like maybe i can get some fucking hep if i go see a doctor. for about half a much as i say "i should kill myself" or some more detailed variant of that, i also say "i should go see a doctor" i think about all the shit i needto do for that and i just start thinking. " but like do i even deserve it?" shoul di not just throw all my fucking caution and fear to the wind and just say fuck it!!! and let me live up to all this bullshit ive been sayin about how i DESERVE TO SUFFER??? but like i want to throw my cowardice away. i want to get rid of that. but i have to be careful from now on if i want to continue to have some semblance of a life i can enjoy or whatever. i guess. idk. what does that even mean. for me..................

every time i get to this poitn where i think about shit like this (which is just way too often mind you... theres not a SINGLE fucking day that goes by wihtout me thiking about killing myself or some shit like everytihgn i talked about here) i just think or have some stupid naive hope that i can like yell at myself or logic or trick myself into doing something. anything worthwhile. and then i just sit and stew on these feelings and.......

DO NOTHING.

this really is some stupid worthless whiny baby bitch bullshit but like.... i have to do something or else languish and die. liike i have been all this time.