#now i should sleep and cry in the morning about the test i didnt touch my book for

[0yorixu]

Desert duo carrying each other, it def looks off but ehhhh

So I did not die while I was on my trip and I got stung by a FUCKING JELLYFISH ON MY RIGHT KNEE WHILE I WAS COLLECTING SEASHELLS

[incorrect-hunterx-quotes]

Update and story time:

I thought I would pass along an update to you guys. My sickness did not start off great. It started on Monday morning and very rapidly progressed by Tuesday afternoon. I was unable to eat or drink anything for 3 days because my throat was incredibly swollen. I couldnt even swallow my own spit so I would wake up every 5 minutes gagging, so I eventually stopped sleeping.

I went to Urgent Care and they gave me the diagnosis of incredibly Enlarged Tonsils and they gave me antibiotics and steroids to take to treat it. (This was on Tuesday night). The next morning I woke up and I couldn't talk. That is how swollen my throat became. I was no longer able to take my pills because they were too big. I was able to breathe, but it was hard. After a brief consult with a doctor he said to take the steroids immediately and go from there. (The steroids were the size of a literal crumb and it was still a struggle). He also said if it didn't help to go to the ER to get an IV bag because it had already been 2 days without food or water. I spent the rest of Wednesday literally hoping the steroids would kick in and help...they did not.

That night at around 2am I decided I wouldn't sleep because I was scared of gagging every 20 seconds. I spent the next 4hrs just curled in a ball against my desk on the floor spitting in a trashcan and listening to music to keep calm. (I'm am a 25yo male, over 6'3 and decently built, not scared of anything beyond Spiders and Heights, and I was a nervous wreck)

The next morning (Thursday) I heard my mother wake up and I went to her and begged her to take me to the ER. They took me immediately and quickly got me hydrated with an IV bag. Immediately I felt the effect and it was like I just woke up. I had energy, And I actually had color returning to me. I had lost 7/8 lbs at this point because I couldnt eat or drink.

They kept me in the ER the rest of the day and they gave me a 2nd IV bag and different steroids and antibiotics injected directly into my IV line. Within an hour I could speak. It wasnt that my throat was magically opened, but the one word I was able to say on Wednesday had magically became full sentences on Thursday, even if it was really low volume compared to my usual speaking voice.

They took the Big C-test (negative) and a CAT Scan later on, and that's where things got scary (-er). The CAT scan revealed that just beyond the enlarged tonsils was a 4-inch abscess, which would possibly mean surgery to deal with.

While surgery was unclear, I would need to be transferred to a different hospital 20 minutes away where they were better equipped to deal with my situation. I finally arrived at like 3am (Froday morning) and get all checked in. I get the routine blood draw and vitals stuff and then get told to relax while the specialist finished with his other patients. About 4:30am this guy comes in and was like "we're gonna take care of this right now." And I'm like "....what?"

So he was explaining that he could drain part of the abscess and then let antibiotics and steroids do the rest of it. It sounded like a good plan. I was already in better hands and I was on my way back to normal strength. So we agreed.... and that's when I quickly learned to hate this guy.

I warned him I have an incredibly strong gag reflex, and he said it wouldn't be an issue. He'd put lidocaine (a numbing agent) on my throat and tongue and itd be fine (it wasnt).

So now here I am at almost 5am, after being awake for almost 25 hours at this point, lying on my back with a bright light on my face, 2 nurses and the doctor on all sides and not enough nerves in the world to stop from shaking like a chihuahua on a massage chair in an earthquake. And not just little nervous shaking. They were powerful shakes.

It took one touch and my gag reflex was active. I was gagging the entire time. I threw up. I was screaming and crying. I accidentally bit the main doctor guy because he tried to keep my teeth open for the needle (I refused to apologize). I had such powerful shakes that my mother needed to hold my legs. She hasn't seen me this scared in 20 years when I used to have nightmares every night. And that was only after ONE OF THE TWO drains that needed to be done. I wanted to cry more and vomit and die. I couldnt do that again. But he insisted. I asked if there was a different way. There was no way I could be conscious for this again. I already knew I'd have nightmares from that (and I did last night). But he said there wasnt. So the 2 nurses and my mother braced me as I lay on the bench crying, shaking and gagging, with blood spit and pus coming out of my mouth, while this doctor finished the other draining. It was agonizing. I haven't been this scared in over 15 years. I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemies. It is like I was in one of those horror movies where a doctor just tortures patients. I wanted to cry and cry.

They soon told me I would be admitted to stay the night and that they would keep me on steroids and antibiotics overnight while they waited for things to improve. I felt asleep after being awake for 28 hours that night. The only thing on my mind was when I would have to drain the rest of the abscess.

When the doctor came in the morning to discuss what was up with the rest of the treatment he basically said "why didnt he put you on morphine or something?" ...I was speechless. So when I brought it up to the next one she said the same thing. As did the next 3... I could've avoided that trauma instead of having to do it like that.

So I ended up not needed to get the remaining abscess drained. The antibiotics and steroids they have had hooked me up to all day has been taking care of it. WITHOUT THE NEED FOR TRAUMA2.0!!! By noon I was drinking water on my own, I was even speaking louder. By 6pm i ate my first solid food since Monday nights dinner (Friday). By 8 I was on the phone with my friends talking like nothing had changed.

So I've been recovering steadily and rapidly. I should be able to leave and go home by tomorrow night. And then I'll be back at 100% shortly after.

I just wanted to thank you guys for all your messages and words of support that I've been getting these last few days, and to take a few minutes to explain what I've been dealing with these last few days. I want to thank you guys from the bottom of my heart for everything you've said. Truly, you guys and gals in this community mean the world to me.

Once I'm home I'll take a little time to get settled and we'll keep going as if this little "unplanned vacation' never happened. Take care and much love to everyone!!!

[80s-roger]

when love must die: joe mazzello

summary: you're married to joe mazzello for three years; the best three years of your life and the previous three dating and later being engaged. however, since day one of your marriage, you try for a successful pregnancy but they all end up failed. your most successful pregnancy was an IVF one, but the tube baby didn't make it at the last day of the first trimester. 

portray: current joe obv, female reader at 30.

words: 2306

warnings: unprotected sex, fluff, domestic violence experience, argument.

note: there will be part two.

masterlist

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Joe was at the set, he'd be back home soon for dinner. The table was ready and you got yourself a pregnancy test. You ran to the bathroom upstairs to finally find out. Plus or minus? You didn't have your period since the last time you had sex with him -almost two months ago- and you were excited if it was because of a fetus growing inside you.

You took the test, sitting impatiently at the toilet's cap, waiting for the result. You wished it was a plus symbol, meaning you're pregnant. Unfortunately, it had just a horizontal line. You were disappointed again. Crying loudly because your husband wasn't home, so you finally had the time to let it all out. You've been praying days and nights to have a baby. It's unfair for you when other women throw their newborns at the litter.

Suddenly the door opens fastly and you were scared to death. You got relieved as you saw Joe looking at you with terror in his eyes.

"What happened?" He asked terrified sitting next to you, placing you in his big arms.

You didn't say a word. The tears wouldn't stop running. He erased them with his fingers, until he noticed the test next to you. He looked at you without saying a word. He took it at his hand and saw it was negative. He threw it at the bin and pulled you closer, rubbing your back.

"It's going to happen. Don't worry." He whispered.

Thankfully, he was really supportive on this. He wants to be a dad as much as you want to be a mum but he is patient and never stresses you on this. You've seen your doctor and he says it's just your nature. Nature? A woman's nature after unprotected sex, is getting pregnant, having a fetus growing at her uterus for nine months and later having it in her arms, breastfeeding it. You can't try forever. There will be someday, you'll reach menopause.

Joe and you walked at the kitchen, ready to eat your dinner. He places you at your chair but you had no will on eating.

"Baby you gotta eat." He said after taking a bite of his portion.

"I'm not hungry..." You sobbed, placing your dish away from you.

"It's probably too early for the test to know..." He mentioned the test, trying to make you feel better.

"It's been almost two months, not two days." You commented, looking at him. Your dinner stopped. It was just talk.

"I'm trying to help here. I know it's hard, but we'll make it." He placed his palm over your hand.

"It's easier said than done Joe. Do you have any idea how terrible I feel?" You whimpered. "We're trying for three years, we'd have a baby by now." You stuttered.

"It's fine Y/N... I'm patient enough to make space for your emotions." he explained.

"Why are you even married with me? I'm nothing but an obstacle to your new family." You pledged. It was so sad.

"You're my family. What are you talking about?" He sat on his knees, kissing your hands. He proposed to you on one knee. Good memories.

"But you want kids. And we lost the older one. Remember?" You reminded him. His eyes darkened.

"I remember. But that does not prevent me from not being with you. I can't even imagine my life without you." He implied and caressed your cheek.

"I love you Joe." You silently wailed and he leaned closer to you.

"And I love you." He toned. "Listen, how about going upstairs and lay? I'll be there in a few, I have to fix the table." He smiled and you nodded.

You closed the door behind your bedroom, changed to your nighty and laid on the bed, calling your mum.

"Hey mum." You said.

"Hello darling, how are you?" She asked. You didn't reply. "Um.." she started. "You tried again, didnt you?" She knew about your lack of fertility.

"Yes, it was negative." You answered.

"What did he say?"  She somehow didn't really like Joe, but Joe didn't give a shit.

"He's nothing but a supportive and patient husband." You nod your head feeling great for being his wife.

"And what are you going to do now?" She curiously asked.

"Try again, I guess..." You implored.

"But you've seen that sex won't help you get pregnant." she decreed.

"And where are you getting with it? Doing medical procedures in cold laboratories?" You gasped.

"Keep that method, it almost happened. Your husband has money to afford it." she had the nerve to instruct.

"It's not only his money, but mine too. We both work. We'll both raise this baby." You corrected her. "I just called you to let you know it was one more unsuccessful try. You won't know about it by the day you'll see me with a baby in my arms." You elaborated and hang up your phone without hearing her answer.

Five minutes later, Joe came to your bedroom. He took off his clothes and went inside your bathroom, taking a shower. It didn't last long and he was next to you, on his towel, around his waist. He sat next to you when his big palms caressed your stomach. That move made you whimper.

"Don't cry, it'll happen." He really is an optimist person. He wiped off some of your tiny tears ready to escape from your eyes. "I don't know if it's the appropriate time, but do you want us to try again? Or should we go for in vitro fertilization?" He gently asked.

"I don't want IVF, I don't feel comfortable there. Only with you." You disclosed and he came closer to your face kissing you gently.

His big hands caressed you everywhere. You looked so tiny beneath him, however it made you feel important. Your hands kept touching his attractive biceps until he removed the towel around him, staying naked on top of you. With one move, he removed your nighty and massaged your breasts, when his face leaned towards your neck, giving you soft kisses. He finally removed your underwear and trusted inside you. His moans were so deep and his eyes locked in you. Your arms, around his neck and his back, giving small nail scratches.

"I love you Joe." You moaned between the thrusts you received.

"I love you too y/n ..." He softly said when you felt him moving deeper. He knew every inch of your body. Literally. He knew how deep you could take him and how much. "Babe, are you close?" He asked making sure you'd finish too.

"Yes..." You moaned kissing his lips.

"Alright, because I am." he caressed your cheek and his moves were sudden and slow, which means he was done inside you, possibly fertilizing you. You came together and after removing himself from you, he wore his underwear and helped you get your clothes too. He covered you with the layers and hugged you tight.

"I hope this time it's happening." You said at his arms.

"Fingers crossed." He smiled at you.

You were the little spoon tonight; Joe was hugging you from behind and you felt protected. This is how he makes you feel everytime you're together. You're just made for each other.

You woke up in the middle of the night, sweating and frightened of your nightmare. You stood up from your bed crying loudly. Joe next to you grabbed a bottle of water, you always have at your stand, offering it. He gently rubbed your back telling you to calm down, it was just a bad dream, it's not reality. But what if it really is? What if you really are infertile? You were on the edge of going insane. He pulled you closer, playing with your hair so you'd eventually return to your sleep.

The next morning, Joe wasn't next to you. He probably went downstairs, making breakfast. You had to get ready and see him at the kitchen. But you heard speeches coming from there as you walked the stairs so you decided to eavesdrop. There was your younger brother Ben talking with him. That's how you actually met each other. Ben set you up.

"How's things?" Ben asked. You didn't really talk to him about you and Joe but Joe does. They are like best friends.

"Terrible." Joe admitted and Ben looked at him confused. "I mean, I love her but we keep failing on growing our family." He explained and took a sip of his coffee.

"How long have you been trying?" He asked preoccupied.

"Since the wedding night, counting three years." He declared.

"I've heard my mother talking with y/n about it but I didn't really pay attention. However, how do you feel about it?" Ben questioned.

"I can't blame y/n about this, it's happening to many women but I also can't see myself without kids." He opened up to his best friend. You instantly felt heart broken.

"And then what? Will you divorce her because of that? She loves you more than anything Joe." Ben explained.

"I can't divorce her. She's my everything. But I also don't want to keep trying. I want to have babies in this big house as soon as possible. I don't want to age." He shook his head broken hearted.

"You do feel sad about it. Do you have any idea how sadder it is for her? A baby is a bless." Ben protested. You wanted to hear more. They'd stop the conversation if you appeared in the kitchen.

"I'm not pressuring her. When we did the IVF, we were sure it'd happen but it died too. How many possibilities does she have when she gets older? Less than they already are." Joe questioned himself. Ben didn't say a thing.

You decided to get inside the kitchen, pretend like you heard nothing.

"Good morning sis." Ben smiled at you.

"Morning Ben." You neutrally said, faking what you thought before. You couldn't hide your anger at Joe's confession.

"Good morning my love." Joe attempted kissing you but you backed off. Both of them noticed your reaction and stared each other confused. "So um, are you okay?" He checked on you.

"I'm perfect." You lied. You're dying inside.

"Maybe I should get going." Ben felt the tense and had to leave.

"Yes you should. I'll take you to the door." You raised you eyebrow at him.

You were with Ben at the door and Joe eavesdropped without being noticeable.

"The next time you'll talk with Joe about my lack of fertility, I'll murder you." You threatened him.

"You know you can't do it sis." He joked.

"I can't, but I can cut your balls and you'll see who's the weak." You aggressively said to him and he didn't say a word.

"Damn sis, okay." He was defeated and left your home leaving you with your husband.

He came out of the kitchen guilty. But it wasn't his fault. You just wanted to throw your weight somewhere else.

"You heard us?" He silently asked.

"Are you joking? Of course I did. Is that what you talk about with your friends outside?" You angrily argued.

"No! He asked me! Besides he's your brother, he can know about it." he pointed out.

"I don't want him to know! I won't even let my mother know from now!" You attacked.

"Fine! But he's my best friend! I want to talk to someone! Why don't you let me do it? I never pressure you so stop pressuring me!" He shouted leaving you at a staring shock.

"I want you to leave right now Joe." You silently closed your eyes pointing at the door. "And tell everyone we can't have kids because I am infertile." You were so ironic.

"Where will I go? Are you kicking me out of my home?" He concede.

"Yes I do and don't come back. I'm angry." You walked inside the kitchen and he followed you.

"But you'll be over it by evening." He calmly said.

"No I fucking won't!" You threw him a glass and it accidentally fell down at his feet, with some pieces of glass hurting his arms.

"You arrogant bitch!" He yelled coming to your place menacingly. "You want to kill me now or what?" He raised your hand on you and covered yourself with your arms, afraid if he'd hit you. Flashbacks of domestic violence crossed your mind. Your alcoholic father hitting you in every chance he'd get.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, sorry!" You sat down at the floor, crying loudly and hiding yourself, so he wouldn't harm your body but your arms.

After Joe finding out what he was doing he shockingly moved his arms and sat in front of you, getting you inside his arms. He started crying too.

"I am sorry y/n, I didn't mean to do it! I'm just so sad." He whimpered at your neck.

"Please Joe, divorce me. I can't keep making you unhappy." You cried at his chest, avoiding the eye contact.

"I can't do it. I love you, I'm literally attached to you, mentally, emotionally and physically. I just can't." He kissed you. "We'll find some way to fix it. We can do it, I know." He silently cried, hiding his voice cracks.

[crownedbyluke]

Long Road Ahead (Chapter One)

Estelle Finley has been friends with Ashton Irwin and Luke Hemmings for three years. When the boys bring her along on a jam-packed road trip to Cape Cod with the rest of the band, their adventures are just beginning. Through long hours driving, exploring cities, and hidden secrets, something more is bound to happen on this journey. How will this road trip change Estelle’s friendship with the friends she’s come to love so dearly?

Word Count: 3,480

Masterlist.

Luke’s blue eyes and Ashton’s hazel eyes were staring at me. I was used to their weird looks, but there was something in them I hadn’t seen before.

“Whatever it is, you might as well tell me before your eyes burst out of your heads,” I said while walking over to my desk.

“What are you talking about?” Ashton asked, a hitch in his voice giving him away.

“You both are staring at me, which usually means you have to tell me something. So come on,” I said, looking through some of the papers that were out.

“I told you she’d know,” Luke said making me laugh.

“Ugh fine. Estelle, stop being in teacher mode” Ashton teased making me laugh more.

I raised my hands up in surrender before turning to face them. I met Luke’s eyes and a shiver ran through me. I should have been used to it, but no matter how many times it happened in the three years we’ve been friends, it still took me by surprise.

“We’re going on a road trip and you’re coming with us,” Ashton said taking my eyes off of Luke.

“What? No I’m not,” I said shaking my head.

“Yes you are. You’re coming with us, Mikey, Cal, and Crystal. Oh, and you should really start packing because we leave tomorrow at six in the morning,” Luke said, an unexpected confidence in his tone..

“What? No, you two are kidding,” I argued, not believing them for a second.

They loved playing pranks on me and if this was their latest one, I had every intention of making them regret it.

“We aren’t. Completely serious. No pranks and no jokes,” Ashton said, his eyes lit up.

“For how long?” I asked, turning back to look at my calendar.

As much as I wanted to agree and let them sweep me away, I had lesson plans to prepare.

“Well, it’ll take us fourteen days to get there and then we’ll be at our final destination for three weeks,” Ashton said, moving his fingers as if he was counting midair.

“Es, we’ll get you back in time to prep for school. I promise,” Luke reassured, his hands coming to rest on my shoulders.

There was a calm that came over me with his touch. It made it impossible to not give into them.

“And what am I supposed to pack?” I asked, tilting my head back to look at Luke.

The smile that lit up his face met those ocean eyes and I was sold on whatever we were doing.

“Lots of summer clothes, some swimsuits, but also a couple things that are warmer for nights,” Luke said quietly, his fingers squeezing my shoulders.

“Well if I know where we’re going, I could pack properly,” I said, wiggling my eyebrows at him.

“Nope. That’s a secret. Now, remember what Luke said, but put some nicer clothes in there too,” Ashton said, giving me his thousand watt smile.

I rolled my eyes at him before looking back up at Luke. There was something in his eyes that made me melt into his touch even more.

“Get to packing little dove. We’ll see you bright and early tomorrow,” he said, giving my shoulders another squeeze.

The blush came across my body from the pet name. It didn’t matter how many times he called me that, it still caused the same reaction. Ashton came over and gave me a quick hug. It felt like I was still in a trance when I heard them close my apartment door.

“Shit,” I mumbled before going to my hall closet door.

I pulled out my biggest suitcase and dragged it to my bedroom. The sound of my closet doors echoed against the walls. My wardrobe was still being transitioned to summer, but I had most of what I would need or at least, I hoped. My eyes wandered over the clothes before I pulled out my phone.

E: Crys, what the hell am I supposed to pack?

My fingers ghosted over my favorite white top, fond memories coming to mind. My phone buzzed in my pocket.

C: Plenty of shorts, tees and tanks, at least three swimsuits, some sundresses, some skirts, coverups, sneakers, sandals, and like one hoodie/sweater.

E: Oh my god. I’m guessing you won’t tell me where we’re going either?

C: Nope. Under strict instructions not to.

E: Damn it. Okay. I guess I’ll get packing then.

I sighed before tossing my phone onto my bed. I took the top I had been touching off the hanger and gently placed it on my shoulder.

“Only like forty more to go,” I said, my hands falling to my hips before getting started.

                                                         ➢➢➢

The blaring sound of my alarm woke me from the peaceful slumber I was in. I hit the button and checked the time. The red numbers flashed five in the morning. I pushed myself from my bed and headed to the kitchen. My finger pushed the start button on my espresso machine after placing a mug underneath it. My feet carried me to the bathroom for the shower I desperately needed. After ten minutes, I stepped out and got dressed in my comfy clothes for the drive. I quickly put my hair into a fishtail braid and went back to the kitchen. I added milk and ice to finish my iced mocha. I glanced down to check my watch. 5:20 A.M. I went to the fridge and pulled out the vanilla greek yogurt. After chopping up a banana, I started eating as quickly as I could so I would be ready in time. I checked my watch again. 5:40 A.M. I cleaned my dishes and went to my front door. The suitcase and backpack that I packed last night already by the door. I pulled on my gold sandals and black wide brimmed hat. Just as I was clasping the last sandal, the buzzer sounded.

“Ready Es?” Ashton’s voice crackled over the speaker.

“Yep. Come on up,” I said, finger pressing to let him up.

The sun was starting to peek through the linen curtains. I cracked my door for Ash before walking over my balcony window. I snapped a quick picture, the calm of the view washing over me. There was a part of me that just wished I could stare at the sunrise for an infinite amount of time, before I was brought back to the world around me.

“Let’s go Es,” Ashton said from behind me.

I walked back over to him and grabbed my backpack.

“Still not telling me?” I asked while locking up.

“Nope,” he said, giving me a wink over the shoulder before heading down to the elevator.

We left my apartment building, a gray Range Rover idling by the curb when we walked out. Ashton hauled my suitcase into the back while I opened the door.

“Good morning little dove,” Luke said after I opened the door.

“Good morning giraffe,” I said, crawling in.

I found myself between the window and Luke with Calum on his other side. Ashton climbed into the single seat in the back.

“And we’re off!” Michael cheered from the driver’s seat.

Crystal cheered from the passenger seat to encourage him even though it was early. Her phone was hooked up to the aux, making her the DJ for the first portion of our trip.

“Mike and Crystal are driving until noon, then Cal and Ash will take over for three hours,” Luke said once we pulled away.

He was reading from a notebook that had different times written in it.

“Do I get to do any driving?” I asked, testing him.

His laugh rang in my ears before I saw his smile.

“Maybe later, but you don’t know where we’re going so you’re gonna have to wait,” he said, nudging my shoulder.

I groaned before looking out the window. California was passing by and it was hard to believe that I was really doing this with them. My ears caught the bassline of Move On by Mike Posner. My head bobbed along to the song before Calum and I looked at each other. We moved in sync with the bassline, both of us appreciating it for exactly what it was. I couldn’t help the laugh that bubbled up when Calum tried dancing along. Luke looked at us like we were crazy before joining us in the groove. I caught Ashton filming us and gave him a wink. We laughed once the song was over.

                                                          ➢➢➢

Time was flying by. Luke was driving and I had a sleeping Ashton on my shoulder, Crystal nodding off next to him. I still had no idea where we were headed, but now that it was dark, it was harder to tell anyways. No matter how hard I tried to get it out of everyone, they wouldn’t tell me. I knew we had been driving for awhile, but there was no indication for how much longer we were going to be. I caught Luke’s eye in the rearview mirror. It was simple, but it made everything I was feeling more complicated. I tried ignoring and figuring out how I felt about Luke so many times. Each time, I came up with no concrete answers. What it always came down to was that he was one of my best friends and to jeopardize that because of some feelings wasn’t something I would do. My thoughts faded away when I heard the guitar from I Was Made For Loving You by Tori Kelly and Ed Sheeran. My eyes met brown this time, a strange feeling of understanding between me and Calum flooded my senses.

“It’s Crystal’s turn,” Calum said, breaking the moment between us.

Luke nodded.

“Let me find a gas station,” he said, eyes searching the signs to find one.

I adjusted a little so Ashton’s head wasn’t digging into my shoulder.

“Well, Estelle is my co-pilot because you lot keep hogging the passenger seat,” Crystal said, making me laugh.

“Ash,” I whispered, gently squeezing his shoulder.

“Essie?” he asked, eyes still closed.

“I have to get up,” I said, threading my fingers through his hair.

“But you make such a good pillow,” he almost whined.

“I know. You can use my pillow if you want,” I offered, smiling down at him.

There was a fondness I felt for Ash in that moment. He looked so young and stress free when he was asleep. I ran my fingers through his hair one more time. Luke pulled into the gas station parking lot.

“Coffee Es?” Crystal asked while opening the door.

“You know it,” I said, getting out of my seat.

I put my pillow in Ashton’s lap and pressed a quick kiss to his temple. Crystal and I were the only ones that went inside.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom quick,” I said, heading to the back of the store.

I passed a rack of postcards making me stop instantly. Colorado landscapes and greetings from Colorado were everywhere. I went to the bathroom quick and picked one out. I grabbed a few snacks before heading back to the car. I put the postcard on the dash.

“We’re in Colorado,” I said getting Luke and Crystal’s attention.

“Shit. Okay, yeah,” Luke said, sighing a little now that his surprise was ruined.

“Luke, just tell her,” Crystal said, adjusting the seat a bit.

“Okay okay. Currently, we’re heading to St. Louis,” he said, a hint of relief in his tone.

“And I’m guessing that isn’t our final destination,” I said, taking a sip of the coffee Crystal got me.

“Nope. We’re in St. Louis for two days and then we’re off to Myrtle Beach for three days,” he said trailing off.

It was one of the many things Luke did when he wanted to keep things a surprise that drove me insane.

“Keep going,” I encouraged.

“Then in New York for four days,” he continued, the same trailing off happening.

“And then?” I asked, fully aware that there was more.

“We’re gonna be in Cape Cod for three weeks,” he said.

The excitement rushed through me causing me to turn around to look at Luke.

“You mean my number one place to visit?” I asked, thinking that I was dreaming.

“Yeah,” he said, a smirk on his face.

“Oh my god, Luke, this better not be a prank,” I said, my words coming out fast while I stared at him.

“Not a prank. I promise,” he said, holding out his pinkie.

I linked mine with his, the touch heating my skin. I turned back around, a giant grin on my face.

“DJ, please hit me with some jams,” Crystal joked, aux cord in hand.

“Well of course,” I responded, taking it from her and plugging my phone in.

It took me a moment before I found a song that fit the mood I was in. King Of the Clouds by Panic! At the Disco played through the speakers. I let the song wash over me, the words and vocals taking me away.

“I wanted to tell you when you texted yesterday, but Luke and Ash really wanted it to be a surprise,” Crystal said, bringing me back to reality.

“I’m glad it was a surprise though. It makes it that much better,” I said, unable to stop smiling.

“Look at them,” she whispered, turning the music down.

I looked in the rearview to see all of the boys asleep. Ashton had my pillow pressed against the window in the single seat while Luke, Calum, and Michael were lying on each other, their heads crooked into each other in different ways.

“They’ve gotta be used to sleeping in cars by now,” I said, looking over at her.

“You would think, but I know Mikey still struggles with falling asleep in cars. He always needs adjustment when he comes back,” she said, pushing her hair back.

“So does Luke. He usually stays at mine or makes me stay at his when he gets back because he hates being alone after tours,” I said, a small smile coming across my face.

“You sure that’s not because Luke has a thing for you?” she asked, taking me by surprise.

“What? Luke doesn’t have a thing for me,” I dismissed, waving my hand at her.

My heart had picked up when she said it, but I had to push it away.

“Estelle, you’re joking right? I’ve known that boy for awhile now. I’ve seen him go through love and heartbreak. I know when he’s into someone,” she said, her eyes glancing over at me.

“Crystal, I’m telling you, he isn’t into me. We’re best friends and that’s it. That’s all we are now and all we’re ever going to be,” I said, a hint of frustration in my voice.

I had already convinced myself of this. As much as I wanted to believe Crystal, I couldn’t. That road lead to far more hope and rejection than I was able to handle.

“But the way he looks at you-”

“He looks at me like he’s always looked at me. Besides, if he did, the feelings wouldn’t be mutual,” I lied.

The words felt like they were burning my tongue as I said them. I turned to look out the window, my head full of daydreams that the smallest part of me wished would come true.

                                                        ➢➢➢

“Okay Ash, overnight shift,” Calum said after pulling into a gas station.

Calum’s voice woke me up, causing me to move my head off of Luke’s shoulder.

“Who’s my co-pilot?” he asked while getting out of the car.

“I’ll do it Ash,” I said, tying my hair into a loose bun.

“Essie, you were asleep,” he argued, staring at me.

“I’m awake now. Give me a coffee and I’ll be good,” I said getting out of the car.

“Fine. Let’s go get some snack too. It’s you and me for six hours so we should stock up,” he said, leading me into the gas station.

“I’ll get snacks. You get refreshments,” I said before we high fived and split up.

I grabbed chips, granola bars, some candy, and a couple sandwiches. Ash and I met at the counter, his arms full of drinks. He grabbed plenty of flavored water for me and soda for himself.

“I’m grabbing two coffees quick,” he said to the cashier.

He ran back and gave the short brunette the thousand watt smile. She blushed under his gaze. We took the bags from her and went back to the car.

“You are ridiculous,” I said while we settled in the car.

“I don’t know what you mean,” he laughed.

“Oh please. You flirt with everything that has a pulse,” I said, rolling my eyes.

“Excuse you, but that’s Luke. I didn’t mean to flirt with her, but she was cute,” Ashton said, laughing again before pulling away from the gas station.

“You’re right, Luke does do that a lot,” I said, picking up my phone.

“Is that some jealousy I’m hearing?” he teased.

“No,” I said, hitting play on Nintendo Game by Alessia Cara.

“I’m kidding Essie,” he said.

“Yeah I know. Why did you guys pick Cape Cod?” I asked, taking the subject off me and Luke.

I opened a bag of cheddar sour cream chips and took a sip of the coffee Ashton got me. The bittersweetness ran over my tongue, just the way I liked it. Ashton always made sure the coffee he got me tasted just right.

“Well, I was personally tired of the same California beaches every summer and Cal wanted some place that was warm, but still pretty chill. Luke pitched Cape Cod and we all agreed,” he said with a shrug.

He made it sound so simple and easy, like it was just a walk in the park for them. Then again, the boys were always like this and it was always an adjustment at first, but I had found myself getting used to it.

“Who’s idea was it to bring me?” I asked, quickly eating a chip so he wouldn’t sense the nerves I had about the situation.

“Luke’s. He remembered how badly you wanted to go,” Ashton said like it was obvious.

“Yeah. It’s been my number one since high school,” I said quietly.

“I don’t get why you never went,” he said, taking a swig of his cream soda.

“My parents never wanted to and then during college, I just never got the chance or there wasn’t time. Now, yeah my career allows for vacation, but I didn’t think anyone would want to go,” I said shrugging it off.

“Well now you got us,” Ashton said giving me a smile.

“Yeah I do,” I said returning the smile.

                                                          ➢➢➢

“Ash, your shift is over. You two need some sleep,” Luke called from the back.

Ashton got off at the next exit. Despite my best efforts, I was exhausted. I climbed into the middle seat while Luke and Crystal took over. Ashton climbed in next to me.

“Get some sleep Essie,” he whispered before pressing a kiss to my temple.

I adjusted slightly until my head was on Ashton’s shoulder. A nudging woke me up a few hours later. I slowly sat up, my eyes adjusting to the new light.

“Welcome to St. Louis little dove,” Luke said, our eyes meeting in the rearview yet again.

I looked out the window immediately. A gasp escaped my mouth as I took in the view. There was water shining in the sun and the big arch took over the sky. Brick buildings and greenery were everywhere. It was absolutely breathtaking and one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. Luke parked in front of a brick building with two arches framing the doors.

“We’re here,” he said, eyes gleaming as he looked at the building.

“This is where we’re staying?” I asked while following everyone else’s lead at getting out.

“Yeah,” Ashton said handing me my suitcase.

We walked into the condo, the white walls taking me by surprise.

“Luke and I will take the double beds,” Ashton said.

I stopped in front of a single room with a gorgeous view of the city. I could see the water from the window and there was something about the way the arch was reflecting on it that made me smile.

“Estelle’s got this one!” Luke called after following Ashton.

I slowly walked into it, my breath gone again.

“Well, I guess this is real now,” I whispered, my fingers ghosting over the soft bed sheets.

It had felt like a dream until this moment, but everything about it still felt like I needed to be pinched. If it was all a dream, I never wanted to wake up.

Let me know if you want more and want to be added to the taglist. 

taglist loves: @thruheavenandhighwater @notoriouslyhood @24kcalum @bbycal @cashton-queen @thebookamongmen @tommossoccer @slimthicccal @a-little-international @irwinsx

[definitelynotaminion]

Hey baby, how are you doing? Right now it's October 26th at 4:57 a.m. and I'm in bed next to you. Twice now I've gone over to cuddle you and you let me, wrapped my arm with your hand and just let me stay there with my face in your shoulder, close enough to hear you breathe. I ever tell you that sometimes I try to match my breathing to yours when you're asleep, see if it helps me sleep? But when we sleep our breaths are a lot longer with more space between them, and I would always do it for a few minutes and give up. But for those few minutes it calmed me right down. Kind of a meditation, I guess. I did it for the first time back at our apartment. I did it earlier when I tucked into your side and you met me with open arms despite being asleep. You're so affectionate in your sleep; I love it. (We all know I'm mean af, more likely to punch you in my sleep than be sweet). It's October 26th but it's really October 25th’s night, because I haven't been to sleep. My birthday was yesterday and we had cake. I'm laying in bed next to you thinking that there’s still cake in the fridge; funfetti, my favorite. I might go have a piece. I went to the gym at your urging; back when you were awake, but drowsy from the melatonin, and I was wearing the work out clothes mom got me as a gift, and still had my socks on because I wanted to go the gym, too. We had just gotten back from Whataburger; you missed a meal that day and had 1200 calories to spare (It’s the day I woke up at like 3pm and immediately made chicken teriyaki over rice; you went for a walk and I made my own teriyaki sauce, because the watery stuff in the fridge smelled off and I have standards. It was delicious. It's the day we took my car to Whataburger later, and I mentioned that it was odd I hadn't been to McDonald's on my birthday for once; you countered that you had offered, however jokingly. I kept joking that we should go to KFC because it was only 9:25, and surely KFC was still open, as though you hadn't spent the whole time we lay in bed discussing food looking up the calories for the specific meal you wanted. I had my hair in a ridiculous pebbles-style ponytail on top of my head, that I removed and smoothed out when we got inside. I was wearing a star wars jacket over my track suit hoodie over a tee shirt.) You gave me your drink cup so I could have two drink refills on the way home, and not have to choose. I filled my larger cup with lemonade-- shit, I brought it to bed with me about an hour ago but havent drank any; I just fucking realized lol-- and your smaller one with Dr. Pepper. It's still over there on my desk. You probably knew I wouldn't drink it but knew that the opportunity would make me happy anyway. We chilled in bed and I kept my socks on, for once, because I was determined to go to the gym, and you were determined to encourage me instead of enabling me to stay in bed. You're a lovely person that way. I did go to the gym, by the way, as I'm sure I'll tell you in the morning when you wake up (or at 3 o'clock in the evening, if that's when I wake up, if I fall asleep without meaning to). (You made jokes about the socks, but ten minutes into our blogging and chill, your foot brushed my leg in such a way that the hem of my pants rode up, and you touched bare flesh, and turned into Skeletor “Noooaa! What was that. Unexpected. Forbidden.”) It’s the day after my birthday but it’s also the first day I’m away at basic training, if tungle dot hellfire scheduled the post properly. (I swear to god, if it didnt... esp after all those tests I scheduled before I left.) (You just rolled over in your sleep to face me and your arm is pressed firm and soft to my elbow. For the first few seconds after the roll you snored softly through your nose-- very cute-- but now it's just little inhales and exhales. The forearm to my elbow is a very understated cuddle. I'm love him. You're so used to sleeping with me that you don't react or wake when I press close to you, you just accept it and sometimes nuzzle me. You'll hold my hand if I touch your fingers.) I am the most loved person in all the land, and right now I’m probably trying to remember that, shoved in a room with sixty people and no walls. (I keep remembering that this is public and then I'm like fuck it, a blog’s a blog; all the people here for my writing or the fandom stuff or the memes can deal with the lovey-dovey stuff and the waxing poetic about the minutiae of our lives. You're still tucked into my elbow breathing all cute and I'm still typing on my phone, which is on 26%; I should charge it but the charger sticks out the bottom in a way that makes it hard to rest the phone on my chest. It's a running joke now that I never keep my phone charged; that I only charge it when it's on 5%. Actually, at your urging-- though I laugh when you lean over me and hiss at the percentage, though we joke a lot about it-- I've started being more conscious of it, charging my phone before it needs it. Earlier today (the 25th) I put my phone on the charger when it was at 56%. I don't think I told you, but I know you'd be proud of me. (Earlier today I put my phone on the charger in preparation for going to the gym, and it was at 32%. I laid in bed with you to play on it and when it was at 39% you leaned over, already victorious, and said “oh? Only 39%? Put him on the charger!!!!” The exclamation marks are in italics to mimic the way you tapped it, rapidly, you know the motion. And I told you it was already charging and you were deeply shooketh, like I was an imposter. You squinted and said “well it's so small, how could I possibly see from here” in the Grinch voice, and rolled over dramatically; laughing, I chased you, and we cuddled some more. It was a lovely time.) It is (at the time you're reading this) the Tuesday I’ve officially had a “full day” at basic. I think. I probably had my first plane ride today, though if I've talked to you-- they let us make the “scripted” phone call on the first or second night-- it says “hello, I'm fine, I got here safe, he's a phone number to call in an emergency (red cross? Reddit said) and here's the address you write to”-- I only had like 30 seconds or so on the phone to choke all that out and an “I love you”. I couldn't tell you about my first plane ride. I could not tell you that “it wasn't actually as bad as anticipated, though you know I tear up when I get yelled at, so that's a thing.” According to the internet I probably sounded miserable; not because I was literally miserable but because hearing your voice probably made everything really sink in and i missed you. Also right now typing this i have like. A single manful movie tear rolling down the right cheek. Truly I am getting all up in my feelings-- but you're in an empty bed so you'd know, I guess. On the 26th, not Nov 6th, that is. I have no idea if I'm crying as you read this; but I'm a dramatic hoe so it's possible. I'm probably chanting to myself “It’s fine, it's whatever; play the game, don't stand out, go from meal to meal.” however, I have it from reliable sources (thanks reddit) that by the second or third week the yelling gets less yelling and you have the routine down. Then it's kind of like a hardcore summer camp. As I'm laying in bed it's hard to rationalize that I've only got 10 days with you left. A week and some change. The impulse to savor it is there but, also, I've literally got the rest of my life with you, so. I’m looking forward to the other side of basic, to how you can (apparently) have your dependents moved out to live with you if your stay at tech school will be longer than 6 weeks. And mine will, so. (If you're not in basic and I selfishly hope you're not, yet, you can come out there and I can spend my weekends with you, in our apartment with all of our stuff. I want lots of dice and candles. I want to just lay in bed and chill with you. “Cuddle” I want to cuddle but I keep remembering that this is public on my blog and everyone can see it. I wonder why cuddle sounds so weird when none of the other words do. I wonder how fast the first week will go if I keep focusing on “just wait until the next meal, just wait until the next meal.” I'm planning to go buy a book of stamps and some envelopes in the morning. Apparently one of the only joys of basic is hearing your name at mail call. I want you to write me so much, which is hard for you probably; but I want to hear about every little detail. You should print off the latest chapters of Yesterday Upon the Stair or Ashes of the Past if they update, stick those behind your letters. It would make a good distraction and only be a couple pages long. But how weird would it be that i wouldn't even care about them? Not weird at all. Its true that i would care about your letters more that the fanfic. That I just want to hear that you're safe and happy, that you've eaten-- tell me what you've eaten, tell me the calories, it'll reassure me and fill the pages-- tell me jokes and memes and manga spoilers for BNHA. Pass along news from-- or hell, even tell them my mailing address, it's not like it'll be secret-- the discord (kink thinktank or maybe the secret lounge, you know the one). I'm not picky. It will be neat not to be cut off from everybody, if they decide to write. Except tuva. @uintuva I love you but please god don't write to me, I told them I didn't have any foreign attachments when they asked. If anything, pass along a letter to Sach, or Dallas-- have them print it and send it to me; mention no countries. I'm laughing rn. I'll warn them that you'll post the address. If you post a letter every day, or every other day, even if they're short, I promise I'll appreciate them. They'll be like a lifeline to the outside world. They'll reassure me you're fine and assuage me that stress and worry. Please remember that I love you, even if I didn't get to tell you in the short phone call. I likely called you before the flight there. It hasn't even been a day since you've heard my voice. Hell, I forgot-- you and mom and the kids are coming to see me off. I probably saw you earlier today-- for you. It's still October 26 (25th) for me. You saw me this morning but now you're going to sleep without me; it probably doesn't feel weird unless you focus on it. I could be in the shower, or in the kitchen, or at the gym. I could be at Brittany’s house. It's okay to tell yourself these lies, or to imagine me there-- imagine me at my desk, maybe, since you go to bed so much earlier-- to make yourself feel better, to help you sleep. Or maybe it hadn't hit yet and you're fine-- that's fine too. Or maybe you'll be okay the whole time. You'll miss me, sure. But maybe you'll smile and wish me luck and go to sleep easy, because I'm getting what I wanted, according to plan. I hope you find the happy parts of your days-- laugh at the kids, at David, and Jesse-- and write down jokes to share with me before you forget. Don't feel guilty at all, because I don't want you to be sad. I love you. I'm going to try to be looking forward to stuff/focusing on the nice things-- I just snorted a little thinking of you going “whole bed to myself” in the silly smug voice; I can already tell that one is going to be what I imagine at basic, the one I'll remember and smile about. I hope you check your tag and see this, though I'm sure I'll tell you about it. Aren't I so clever, figuring out how to write you even if they don't let me write you? I also set posts to schedule, funny things I scrolled past. The usual things that fill your tag. This way you know I'm still thinking of you; it's funny because I always tag you in things, right now in October, because I want you to know I'm thinking of you. Because I see funny things and think “Dallas” and I want you to see them. I'm so glad the technology exists for me to make sure your tag has new stuff every night while I'm away. I'm going to spend the next ten days (from Oct 26) writing you letters and reminding you of things. (Earlier I told you that I love you, that I love how we talk to each other, that I love the way you joke and how, specifically, you choose to say things to me; that I love how my face fits into your shoulder or your face, that the terms you choose to use tickle me pink. I laugh all the time with you. I'm happiest right next to you. I want to be with you forever.) Oh and here is a reminder: I'm so proud of you for getting through the day. Goodbyes are hard, even when they're temporary. You're not fat and I love you. You could lose the weight you need to lose this month and I’d be happy for you; you could delete the app and gain twenty pounds and be my handsome military husband, and I’d be ecstatic. I love everything about you (freckles) and you can reread this as many times as you need to in the next few days. (Not that I'm saying you'll need to. You're very self sufficient. But if you do need the words, they're here, and there’s no shame in giving yourself what you need.) Day one is done and now I've got to get through the first week. The second will be easier and then, the third, routine. It'll be okay. Everything will be fine. I love you. I miss you. I'll be back before you know it. Please write. Even if it's just a single page with “the dankest of dank memes” on it in size bazillion handwriting. Even if it's unimportant. Especially if it's unimportant stuff. Go around and ask everyone to say one nice sentence to me. Write down the sentence. Now you've got a letter. Tell me about your thoughts and your day. Tell me (android 16 voice) you saw a bird and it was pretty.

[kz-i-co]

Deal or No Deal: Part III

» Summary: You were falling more in love with Youngjae as he was falling further away.

» Pairing: Yoo Youngjae / Reader

» Genre: smut

» Words: 2.5k

» Part 1 | Part 2 ╫ Part 4

» m.list ╫ bap masterlist

If you thought going to a club was dangerous, it's even more dangerous going alone but that's what you did. You flirted with the first guy that hit on you, which you knew was wrong but he seemed clean and decent.

You were at rage and it was stupid. You went home with that guy and you did it. He was pretty drunk but you fooled around anyway. But what kills you was you didn't enjoy it. You didn't even have an orgasm. He was passed out beside you and you got up with tears marking your face.

You got dressed and made your way out of his apartment. You felt like shit and you wished none of this ever happened. You were in love with Youngjae and you didn't know what to do. You couldn't even have sex because your body wasn't having it.

The next day, you got a call from the guy at the club. He said he wanted to meet up again and you told him to delete your number and never contact him again. The sad thing was this was the first guy who wanted to see you again after sex but you didn't even do anything with him. He was drunk and took control while you laid there emotionless, throughout the whole thing.

"You Okay?" Soomin asked as she started breakfast. It was obvious you were crying last night from your makeup stained cheeks.

"I'm great, just a little sick that's all." And you went back to your room.

"We need to do something." She looked at her boyfriend. "I knew this was gonna happen and I warned her."

"Is there anyway for you to talk to Youngjae?" She continued.

"As much as I would love to, they need to figure this out themselves, trust me I know Youngjae has feelings for her to."

You were lying in bed watching Netflix for the rest of the day that before you know it, it was midnight.

You got a text message, lighting up the dark room. It was from Youngjae asking if you were up.

You responded from a simple yes and then he called you.

"What?" You answered.

"Can I crash at your place, my roommates are being pretty loud tonight."

No, please say no. "Whatever you want." You yawned.

"Are you going to be awake when I get there....(Y/N).....(Y/N)."

"What?" You woke up again.

"Stay awake." He said, then hung up.

The call almost seemed unreal from you being so tired that you were already passed out when he got there.

He climbed through your fire escape and smiled sweetly seeing you asleep. He crawled into bed with you wrapping his arms around you so you were snuggled up to his chest from behind.

....

When you woke up you felt the light snores coming from behind you. You lifted up his arm wrapped around you and turned around seeing Youngjae's beautiful sleeping face. You blushed thinking about how he snuck in here to sleep next to you. You ghosted your fingers over him, until he fluttered his eyes awake.

You quickly pulled your hand away cowardly. He smiled and closed his eyes once again, pulling you forward. You felt happy, but you knew it had to end again soon.

"Go back to sleep." He whispered.

"I cant." You giggled turning around to grab your phone. "Its almost 11."

"Who cares." He groaned, pulling you towards him again.

"You're so clingy in the morning, I almost forgot."

"You're clingy." He mumbled against your pillow.

You felt his hand wander down into your panties. "Youngjae.....what are you doing?" You smirked.

"Nothing." He yawned.

"It feels like something." His hand reached further causing your stomach to turn. His fingers were exploring you and then you felt him kissing your neck.

Why was this happening? Even though you were loving every minute of it.

You felt him suddenly stop. "Who's marks are these." He looked at your neck.

"What marks?" You turned around.

"These ones on your neck." You can sense him getting angry.

"(Y/N)?"

"Some guy at the club the other night." You withered.

"You had sex?" He got up.

"No." You lied. Honestly you wouldn't call it sex anyway.

He arched his eyebrows at you not believing.

"I didn't enjoy it, he was some drunk asshole." He pursed his lips. "Why are you getting so angry?"

"I'm not angry." His face quickly softened. "I just want you to be careful, that's the purpose of our no sex after the first date rule."

"Okay, I will obey to the rules." Liar.

"Okay." He started crawling out your window.

"Where are you going?" You asked.

"I have to go home and shower." He spoke.

"You can shower here."

He looked at you with sadness. "I have another date tonight."

Another sharp knife, cutting through your core. "Oh, I get it."

"It's not serious yet." He lied, almost like he can read your mind.

"Oh ok."

"I'll see you later." He left.

You couldn't keep lying to yourself. You felt like you were falling into a deeper depression and you felt like shit. "Hey (Y/N), you Okay? You looked pretty out of it today."

A fellow teacher came into the cafe behind you. "I'm fine Chanhee." You sweetly smiled.

"If you need anyone to talk to, I'm here." He was about to walk past you but you stopped him.

"Actually, do you want to go out some time, like for a drink?" You needed to get over Youngjae and not with some asshole from a club that is drunk half the time.

"You asking me out on a date?" He teased.

"Maybe?" You shrugged.

"I don't date my coworkers." You felt embarrassed immediately. "But I'll make an exception."

"Asshole." You pushed him. "You almost made me regret my whole existence."

He laughed. "Sorry.....I'll see you later?"

"Why are you getting dress up?" Soomin winked.

"I have a date." You smiled for the first time in a few days.

"You told Youngjae how you felt." She got excited.

"No, I decided to go another path."

"But what about-"

"I can't Soomin, he seems happy with his new date so I'm not going to get in the way, I never wanted this to happen and I should have listened to you, I'm sorry Soomin." You grabbed your bag and made your way out the door.

"But (Y/N)-" You already left. "He's in love with you to."

"Why can't these idiots see they are meant for each other." She looked at her boyfriend.

"Hey." You saw Chanhee already seated on the pier.

"I ordered already." He smiled sliding your drink over. "You look nice."

You were dressed causal but clean. "Thank you."

"You actually came." You giggled.

"You thought I wasn't gonna show?" He looked at you amused.

"I don't know, we never really spoke to each other, and we've worked with each other for-"

"2 years." He finished.

"Yeah."

"Maybe because I thought you were weird." He smiled.

"Me? Weird. How?" You challenge.

"You eat pizza with a knife and fork...that's weird."

"I don't like my hands getting dirty." You laughed.

"That's what sinks were invented for."

"Shut up, I only do it at school." You blushed.

"This was my favorite place as a kid." Leeyoung snuggled up against Youngjae's arm.

"It's.....lovely." He wasn't sure what to say.

"And my dad used to take me-" She was talking as Youngjae was zoning out, looking around the pier.

Then his eyes made contact with you. You were laughing and smiling with your date. He noticed how happy you looked and it struck him. He felt an urge of sadness.

"Hey, you alive?" Leeyoung poked him.

"Yeah, I just have a headache."

"You want to leave?" She asked. "Come on." She started dragging him in the opposite direction and you locked eyes with him. He quickly turned away and you just brushed it off.

Maybe he thought you were someone else.

Leeyoung didn't live too far and as soon as they entered her apartment, she was already quick to give Youngjae medicine.

"I'm okay." He declined. He didn't really have a headache he just didn't want to be there anymore.

"You sure?" He nodded.

"How can I make you feel better then?" She flirted getting on top of his lap, already kissing up and down his neck.

He honestly wasn't feeling it. He couldn't get you out of his mind. He felt selfish. He hated seeing you so happy even though he has been dating Leeyoung quite some time now.

"Youngjae, what's wrong?" She leaned up.

"Nothing." He lied.

"I'm confused because you act like you like me but you won't touch me." She bit her lip. "You already proved to me that you are a gentleman."

"I want this, how much do I have to beg?" She started undoing his belt.

He felt the best option was to have you leave his mind. You seemed to be happy and he didnt want to ruin that. He leaned forward kissing Leeyoung and pushed her down so she was lying on the couch with him on top. Her fingers were pushy, making their way into his jeans.

"Don't be gentle." She whispered.

"You alright?" He looked in the direction you were looking. "Yeah, I just thought I saw a familiar face."

You sipped your drink.

"Hey, come on." He grabbed your hand leading you to one of the arcades on the pier. "I'm going to whoop your ass in air hockey."

You smiled brightly. "Is that so?"

"Oh yeah."

"Bring it." You got ready and the game began to play.

....

"No wonder you're a gym teacher, big dork." You laughed. He won the game only one point ahead of you.

"Hey, nothing wrong with that...you're considered a nerd for being a science teacher."

"Am not." You pushed him.

"Are too." He laughed.

You stopped in front of the nearest bus stop. "I guess, I'll see you at school." You smiled.

"I can drive you home." He offered.

"You sure?"

"Of course." He smiled.

....

"Thank you." You smiled.

"I'll see you Monday." You stared at him for a second. You were curious with yourself. You had a great time with Chanhee and you were curious if you can be happy with him. You just needed to test it.

You leaned forward and caressed his cheek. You worked your lips against his. You pulled away seeing him look at you shocked.

"I'm sorry-"

He leaned forward bringing his lips to yours this time. He responded with yours gently and slowly.

The kiss began to get deeper and deeper and you sadly felt nothing. You liked him but he wasn't the one. He wasn't the one you wanted.

"I'm sorry." You moved away.

"No I'm sorry, this is probably happening too fast." He looked at you concerned.

"It's fine, but maybe a little too fast." You smiled. "I'll see you later."

Then you left.

When you got to your apartment, it seemed too quiet. Soomin's car was there so you figured she must be asleep already.

When you went to your room, you almost screamed once you turned on your light switch.

"What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Waiting for you." Youngjae sat up on your bed.

"You're just gonna show up whenever you want now." You arched your eyebrows.

"Remember when I said I always need you." You nodded. "Can that be tonight?"

He tilted his head cutely, like some puppy begging for food.

"Are you up for another lesson?" There he goes again, causing the butterflies to twist your stomach.

"For you or me?"

He just shrugged coming closer to you. "What are we Youngjae? Friends with benefits now?"

He was standing right in front of you. So close you felt like you couldn't breath. "I just really need you (Y/N)." He almost seemed broken.

Then everything was happening so fast. He had you pinned to your bed, practically ripping off your clothes. He went down kissing every inch of your body until he reach your most sensitive area. He passed through licking and went straight to sucking striking pleasure to stir up quickly.

"Fuck." You couldn't help but moan. He has never been so desperate for you since you started sleeping together. He was usually slow and steady but he was needy.

He moved back up removing his own clothes and kissed you sweetly. Your hands traveled down his toned body reaching inside his briefs.

He moaned against your ear as you stroked up his harden member. You pushed him up so he was leaning on his knees. You pulled his briefs down and grabbed his length kissing the red tip. You loved the sound that escaped his mouth as you started to lick down his area. You couldn't help but smirk from the thought that you were in control. You made your way back up to the tip leaning your head forward to take him fully into your mouth. You bobbed your head sucking every inch of his throbbing member.

He tilted his head back enjoying the pleasure you were giving. "(Y/N), I'm not going to last."

You smirked pulling away and he pushed you down guiding his member to your entrance.

He rocked his hips back and forth taking in the pleasure that you desperately needed. He grabbed a hold of your hips moving you against him quicker then you can handle. He went a step further and lifted your right leg up onto his left shoulder to deepen the angle.

You felt your toes go numb as your orgasm immerse quickly throughout your body. You squeezed your eyes shut trying to pass through the feeling. Youngjae's pace slowed down immensely as you felt him jerk his liquid into you. He kissed you passionately before he collapsed on the bed next to you.

You felt every emotion cycle through you. Happiness, confusion, anger, despair.

"Why did you come? What happened to your date?"

He looked at you confused. "I saw you Youngjae."

"It was fine, I just needed to see you." He had a slight smile.

"Why?"

"I don't know, because I feel comfortable around you."

"But why all this Youngjae. You can't just come in here and fuck me, and go back to your girlfriend tomorrow....you're making me more confused I can't keep living like this." You felt your eyes get watery.

He got up and started getting dressed. "You're the one who came to me remember." He said with attitude.

"I came for your help, I wasn't expecting all this."

"Your right, I'm sorry for coming over." He made his way to your window.

"Youngjae wait-"

"It's fine (Y/N), it doesn't mean anything, it's just a lesson." He looked at you with sadness in his eyes.

"Please don't-"

"It's for the best, you found someone and I found someone, like we wanted."

No, it's not what you wanted. You want him.

[youropiniondoesnotmattertome]

A Note To Myself

What am i going to write here is a voice on my own of which your remarks,judgment,thoughts and opinions are not necessary to me. Every soul has its own story and journey to tell, so if you are thinking i am just overreacting and being such a drama queen...then i can just tell you to...FUCK OFF! Thank you.

This note is written by me to myself if i ever get out of this messy current situation I’m having..So, in 5 years time...dear me, please take a look at this note again and evaluate yourself.

Dear N******,

22nd March 2017, 11.22pm.

I never feel such a total wrecked as what i felt today. Waking up today feeling quite miserable after receiving a phone call from a headhunter saying my application could not be entertained because i was not qualified for it.(they didnt specify it in their advertisement anyway...so not my fault)

Feeling a little low while the morning is still early then i decided to go back to sleep...i didnt sleep quite well though..even had a dream about my ex/bf, Afiq.

The morning didnt go quite well...feeling depressed starting to consume me..so i’ve decided to take my little sisters to House of Cats...maybe that will distract my mind a little bit..it does but not for long...once i reached home...the pressure starting to swell up inside me...I received an email from a potential employer but turns out the location is just beyond considering..so i have decided to decline although i am entering the ‘desperate’ phase of searching my job...Then its where i’ve started to feel my pressure and stress reaching its maximum point.

I didnt do anything. I just lay on my bed. Tears started to flow over.Prayers didnt help. I was gasping for help..but there was no one.None. I never felt so alone and helpless in my life.I reached Afiq but i know he is so occupied with work.He didnt say much.A sign that i am just a disturbance in his life at the moment. My friends? They are all friends during easy times. Its true when they said what matters are those who stick by you through your hard times. But they weren’t there. None of them even remember my birthday after 8 years of friendship. But i try to forgive all of them by thinking everyone has its own issues..but i will always be there for them, in a bit...why cant anyone be here for me?

Lessons Learnt During The Hard Times.

1. Depression

When you are jobless or dont have any purpose of life, you will start losing yourself. It might be okay for some, but definitely not for me. I am not able to utilize my brain. I am not able to make use of my *** degree after years of hardwork. It will consume you day by day. I was so much worse now compared to my DAY 1 of jobless. I am now in my DAY 41 of jobless and i am like piece of shit.My advice to myself is always secure a job before resigning.But in my case, I didnt resign because of no reasons, i resigned because i have to.

2. Fuck your, dear former boss.

I was employed for 1 1/2 years. I like my job. I can handle the pressure. Some even looking down on me because they think my job is easy. But try running the firm on your own (while you are still lack of experience), making decisions on your own, clients looking after your boss but because he never came to the office so you have to face them instead. Try having your office being splashed by red paints by gangsters because they are looking for your boss but he was never around and you yourself have to go to the police station and lodge the report. Try having being paid late for every single month. Try not getting your last month salary because your boss is fucking mean and want to have revenge on you. Try having keep begging your boss for your last salary amounting RM4K+++ because you are in desperate need of money and your boss just laughed it all out. Everyone keep saying, you should have left earlier...i want to but because of considering that my boss has to work alone, i dont have the heart and look how he repays me.Dear Mr.**, i hope you rot in hell and may your life never be at peace for all the wrongdoings you have done.

3.  Broke

My bank is empty. My wallet is empty. I have my savings.But you shouldnt touch that, arent you? That is for the house deposit money i’m planning to buy by the age of 30 since i am not going to get married, so i will buy the house using my own hardwork money. I am going to buy a house, stay on my own and probably getting a cat. Until i die. Might opt for free sex if my faith is so shaken by then, who knows. I want to adopt a child and i will raise her on my own. I will be a good mother, thats one thing i know for sure despite of my depression. Looking at a young child’s face soften and melt my heart. So yeah, i am broke. And seeing everyone having such a good life didnt make any easier. I restricted myself from going out..restricted myself from buying food i want. Restricted myself from buying or going anything/anywhere.

4. Family

Broke.No friends. Boyfriend out of picture. I just have my family. My family. I wouldnt say they are my safety net but they are all i have now when everyone left. I know my parents will be there for me. But for how long? I should be the one taking care of them and not the other way round. I want to take care of my family. But now it seems they are keeping a big fat old maiden pig in the house.I tried to help as much as i can.Cleaning, washing, cooking, being driver to my sisters. I’m trying everything that i can. But sometimes, i know i do disappoint my family.

5. Afiq

My boyfriend? My ex? I dont know. We fight a lot.Like really a lot. Depression starts to sweep in and he is the one that i can talk to.But he said he is getting tired with all the whining. Somehow job didnt just landed at your feet. So it has jeopardized our relationship. And he seems to drifting away too. Not sure if there’s a new girl in town. So we fought again last week. Very big fight until i dont think our relationship can work out again. Its just seem done.I met one of my dlsa classmates yesterday, and she was asking how are we? are we getting married soon...I just dont know what to answer...its really heartbreaking. 

Dear *****

1) When you are depressed, you tend to be over sensitive. Over sensitive that no one talks to you, your close friends didnt wish your birthday. You tend to get very emotional about it.

2) Understand that everyone has their own issues. You are not the centre of the universe. But i didnt think its too much to ask for someone just asking how are you...just listen.

3) Friends come and go. Although you are truly hurt by their actions, learn to forgive and takpayah layan dah.

4) When you are at your lowest you will see who will be by your side. For me, I have my family and Afiq. But Afiq is just a stranger. His patience has limits. As much as he said he loves you or want to stick with you till the end of time crap, he has no responsibility towards you. Thats why next time if you ever fall in love, Love moderately or better if you dont fall in love at all. They will leave. They will all always leave. Think about it, why do you want to be stucked in a relationship with a depressed girl when there are plenty dozens of more emotionally stable girls outside??? Think. And you have seen the signs that his love towards you is deteriorating. I can foresee another heartbroken episodes coming.Honestly, i dont know if i can handle all of this.

5) Appreciate your family. Thats all you have. Money cant buy families.

6) Learn to forgive.

I am mad at my fate.I am mad at my boss. I am mad at Afiq. I am mad with everything.

7) Suicidal has always been on your mind. I keep imagining knives and knives. I was stung by a bug yesterday. It was painful. My hand was numb temporarily. Now i wish the bug was poisonous.

8) Your faith will deteriorating.

You tend to be angry at Him. Dont believe in Him. So mad at Him more than anything and start to question where is just in all of these shits? Why me? I was a good student..a good friend.. a loyal girlfriend...why everything didnt work out. I never missed a single prayer eversince i was in primary school..obedient to my parents...my friends some i know didnt even pray..had fun with their boyfriends more than it should...but they are all having a good life..married. While i am still here..broke..jobless..and no chance of getting married soon. I questions a lot till my faith is shaken. I tried to do the daily prayers with pure heart...but sometimes i failed. Prayers seem to be just like a daily routine. Afiq told me to Sabar..sabar...sabar.. but have you ever feel that you just cant handled it anymore..that you feel the pain stucked in your throat while your tears keep flowing..Yes. Sabar and Sabar...now everyone has left me. Maybe this is one way for Him to teach me that you should only rely to Him and not humans. So that is why I am on Tumblr...i motivate myself by reading all the Islamic quotes from Quran and Hadith. I should be thankful for this test. After all, we are all His creations. 

9) Wait and Sabr.

Cry all you want. Never missed your prayers. Read Quran everyday. Be good to your family. And forgive. 

Ya Allah, i hope i pass this test well. Please don’t let my faith slipping away.

[amberlynn111-blog1]

MY INSPIRATION

Some people might wonder what inspires me. What i turn to when i want to relax or what music i listen to Im am about to tell you Lets start with music I LOVE ambient music. Like this.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T3H3seRLPyw&t=1901s i also use that video to meditate to btw when im done with my cam shows for the night i relax by putting this fireplace video on full screen and watching/listening to the flames crackle and it helps me to sleep.. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RDfjXj5EGqI&t=602s i LOVE spoken poetry and i have a few favorite spoken poets like jeanann verlee and rachel wiley here are a few videos from them https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MsgxP3-3_qY&t=101s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=087s_obZ5m0&t=44s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=41AAjlhq_8c&t=68s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYZkLy0GHZ0&t=55s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qpJn7y8kT-w&t=86s https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jw_NRdAdlio&t=53s I do have a favorite writer/poet.His name is Charles Bukowski. His style is raw,rude and honest and i like that. Poets that talk about flowery shit i just cant relate to. I didnt grow up in that world. Here are some choice quotes from Mr Bukowski himself Charles Bukowski quotes (showing 1-30 of 2,045) “Some people never go crazy. What truly horrible lives they must lead.” ― Charles Bukowski tags: humor 18945 likes Like “Do you hate people?” “I don't hate them...I just feel better when they're not around.” ― Charles Bukowski, Barfly tags: humour, misanthropy, paraphrased 10849 likes Like “For those who believe in God, most of the big questions are answered. But for those of us who can't readily accept the God formula, the big answers don't remain stone-written. We adjust to new conditions and discoveries. We are pliable. Love need not be a command nor faith a dictum. I am my own god. We are here to unlearn the teachings of the church, state, and our educational system. We are here to drink beer. We are here to kill war. We are here to laugh at the odds and live our lives so well that Death will tremble to take us.” ― Charles Bukowski tags: atheism, religion 7396 likes Like “Sometimes you climb out of bed in the morning and you think, I'm not going to make it, but you laugh inside — remembering all the times you've felt that way.” ― Charles Bukowski tags: humour 7241 likes Like “I've never been lonely. I've been in a room -- I've felt suicidal. I've been depressed. I've felt awful -- awful beyond all -- but I never felt that one other person could enter that room and cure what was bothering me...or that any number of people could enter that room. In other words, loneliness is something I've never been bothered with because I've always had this terrible itch for solitude. It's being at a party, or at a stadium full of people cheering for something, that I might feel loneliness. I'll quote Ibsen, "The strongest men are the most alone." I've never thought, "Well, some beautiful blonde will come in here and give me a fuck-job, rub my balls, and I'll feel good." No, that won't help. You know the typical crowd, "Wow, it's Friday night, what are you going to do? Just sit there?" Well, yeah. Because there's nothing out there. It's stupidity. Stupid people mingling with stupid people. Let them stupidify themselves. I've never been bothered with the need to rush out into the night. I hid in bars, because I didn't want to hide in factories. That's all. Sorry for all the millions, but I've never been lonely. I like myself. I'm the best form of entertainment I have. Let's drink more wine!” ― Charles Bukowski tags: loneliness 6681 likes Like “what matters most is how well you walk through the fire” ― Charles Bukowski 6261 likes Like “We're all going to die, all of us, what a circus! That alone should make us love each other but it doesn't. We are terrorized and flattened by trivialities, we are eaten up by nothing.” ― Charles Bukowski 5920 likes Like “If you're going to try, go all the way. Otherwise, don't even start. This could mean losing girlfriends, wives, relatives and maybe even your mind. It could mean not eating for three or four days. It could mean freezing on a park bench. It could mean jail. It could mean derision. It could mean mockery--isolation. Isolation is the gift. All the others are a test of your endurance, of how much you really want to do it. And, you'll do it, despite rejection and the worst odds. And it will be better than anything else you can imagine. If you're going to try, go all the way. There is no other feeling like that. You will be alone with the gods, and the nights will flame with fire. You will ride life straight to perfect laughter. It's the only good fight there is.” ― Charles Bukowski, Factotum tags: fire, flame, isolation, laughter, loss, sacrifice 5707 likes Like “My ambition is handicapped by laziness” ― Charles Bukowski, Factotum 5415 likes Like “You have to die a few times before you can really live.” ― Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last 5287 likes Like “My dear, Find what you love and let it kill you. Let it drain you of your all. Let it cling onto your back and weigh you down into eventual nothingness. Let it kill you and let it devour your remains. For all things will kill you, both slowly and fastly, but it’s much better to be killed by a lover. ~ Falsely yours” ― Charles Bukowski tags: death, love 4699 likes Like “That's the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.” ― Charles Bukowski, Women tags: alcohol 4604 likes Like “The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts, while the stupid ones are full of confidence.” ― Charles Bukowski 4464 likes Like “I wanted the whole world or nothing.” ― Charles Bukowski, Post Office 4274 likes Like “there is a loneliness in this world so great that you can see it in the slow movement of the hands of a clock. people so tired mutilated either by love or no love. people just are not good to each other one on one. the rich are not good to the rich the poor are not good to the poor. we are afraid. our educational system tells us that we can all be big-ass winners. it hasn't told us about the gutters or the suicides. or the terror of one person aching in one place alone untouched unspoken to watering a plant.” ― Charles Bukowski, Love Is a Dog from Hell 4148 likes Like “An intellectual says a simple thing in a hard way. An artist says a hard thing in a simple way.” ― Charles Bukowski 3941 likes Like “there are worse things than being alone but it often takes decades to realize this and most often when you do it's too late and there's nothing worse than too late” ― Charles Bukowski 3879 likes Like “If you're losing your soul and you know it, then you've still got a soul left to lose” ― Charles Bukowski 3749 likes Like “Find what you love and let it kill you.” ― Charles Bukowski tags: love 3565 likes Like “Real loneliness is not necessarily limited to when you are alone.” ― Charles Bukowski 3249 likes Like “Some lose all mind and become soul,insane. some lose all soul and become mind, intellectual. some lose both and become accepted” ― Charles Bukowski 3126 likes Like “I loved you like a man loves a woman he never touches, only writes to, keeps little photographs of.” ― Charles Bukowski, Love Is a Dog from Hell tags: love 3069 likes Like “being alone never felt right. sometimes it felt good, but it never felt right.” ― Charles Bukowski, Women tags: loneliness, solitude 2875 likes Like “I will remember the kisses our lips raw with love and how you gave me everything you had and how I offered you what was left of me, and I will remember your small room the feel of you the light in the window your records your books our morning coffee our noons our nights our bodies spilled together sleeping the tiny flowing currents immediate and forever your leg my leg your arm my arm your smile and the warmth of you who made me laugh again.” ― Charles Bukowski 2666 likes Like “I felt like crying but nothing came out. it was just a sort of sad sickness, sick sad, when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. but I think I have known it pretty often, too often.” ― Charles Bukowski, Tales of Ordinary Madness 2656 likes Like “Boring damned people. All over the earth. Propagating more boring damned people. What a horror show. The earth swarmed with them.” ― Charles Bukowski 2633 likes Like “the free soul is rare, but you know it when you see it - basically because you feel good, very good, when you are near or with them.” ― Charles Bukowski, Tales of Ordinary Madness 2539 likes Like “those who escape hell however never talk about it and nothing much bothers them after that.” ― Charles Bukowski 2513 likes Like “A love like that was a serious illness, an illness from which you never entirely recover.” ― Charles Bukowski, The People Look Like Flowers at Last 2373 likes Like “There's a bluebird in my heart that wants to get out but I'm too tough for him, I say, stay in there, I'm not going to let anybody see you.” ― Charles Bukowski I would love to own all of his books and just to be able to sit and drink in every word like a endless bottle of wine until either i was intellectually drunk or the bottle was empty. Its a very cold day in california today. The weather has been cold and wet and im hoping that mother nature will stop pissing on everything long enough to let the earth dry out just a little. Im out.