#now i obviously haven't figured out what to do about Wrist Problems but either the instructor will have suggestions

[unopenablebox]

ok i am going to be brave tomrrow and ask my friend whose climbing gym membership got me into yoga class for free a few weeks ago whether that's a sustainable thing for me to come along to frequently and/or just pay the nonmember fee at the door a few times. i should really just find a different yoga class that isn't gated on climbing gym membership but this one 1. didn't make me miserable by asking me to meditate 2. was the right level of difficulty for me, a worm whose only skill is being kind of ok at pigeon pose 3. has my fwiends in it sometimes and will therefore cause me to be motivated to actually attend/have a strong impetus to leave work for it

[astro-rain]

delicate; b.barnes

chapter twenty - “collateral damage”

delicate masterlist

word count: 2k

synopsis: bucky and y/n deal with the emotional fallout of her departure from wakanda.

pairings: bucky barnes x fem!reader

warnings: mildly suggestive content, nothing explicit, 18+ readers please.

The flight home was wretched. Sleeping on the jet was impossible. Every time she shut her eyes she saw his face. If her mind did somehow manage to drift off to sleep, Y/N dreamed of him and woke up trying not to rip her hair out.

"We can still stay in contact, right?" Bucky asked as they were walking back from the waterfall.

They had left their catharsis by the water, still upset, but now calmer and more logical.

"I don't think so..."

"What? Why? It's not like we don't have the technology to do it."

"I know, but.." Y/N trailed off, trying to think of a sensible excuse.

Obviously they could stay in contact if they wanted. But any kind of phone call would be able to be tracked or recorded. That, and she didn't want him to hang on to someone who betrayed him. She couldn't imagine the guilt she'd have hearing Bucky's "I miss you's" or "Baby doll's" from miles away, knowing she lied to him.

"You don't even have a phone..."

"That's an easy problem to fix."

"I know... I just think you should focus on the rest of your healing, and... you know, I'll have a lot of work once I get back...." she took a breath. "I don't know if it's super healthy for us to cling on to each other when it... may be better to move on..."

"Move on?"

"Yeah..."

Bucky stopped walking and turned to face her. They both stood still and he stared at her, confused, as if he was trying to figure something out. He knew her well. She was scared he'd see right through her.

"So let me get this straight. When you're here we can talk all the time and... plenty of other things. But when you're away we can't even call each other?"

"Bucky..."

"That's not all, is it?"

She sighed. "I'm just... worried... about- like-... getting in trouble. If someone overhears or tracks a phone call...What if someone finds out where the 'Winter Soldier' is and comes here to exact revenge?"

That was partly true. She'd never want anyone bad to find out where he was. But no one was tracking her phone calls; she wasn't really a person of interest. In all likelihood, it probably wasn't something she'd have to be terribly worried about.

However, if anyone overheard or saw Bucky on the phone, they'd know it was her, and she doubted anything she could say would convince them that she didn't tell him about the arm.

Or maybe no one would find out. She just didn't want to take the chance. The last time she took a chance, this happened. She wasn't willing to do it again.

He stared at her with dejected eyes. "You know you don't have to worry about me. I'll be okay."

She rested her hands on his forearms and laughed sadly. "Bucky, I don't think I'm ever not gonna worry about you."

He was already in her heart. She didn't think he could leave now.

He let his eyelids fall shut. "I really don't want you to go."

She closed her eyes as well and let her forehead rest against the top of his chest.

"I know. I'm sorry. I don't want to leave you either. But you're gonna do so well, even without me. And every day I'll wake up and think 'wow this man is sexy and has good coping mechanisms! I wish I was him!'"

In the midst of his sadness, she made him laugh. It was a despondent, quiet laugh, but she managed to lift his mood all the same - even if just a little bit. She'd always make everything better.

He gazed down at her, eyes heavy, and without even thinking about it... "I love you."

She looked down at the grass below her feet. "Buck..."

"I do. I'm sorry but I do."

She wrapped her arms around the middle of his back, pressing her face into the crook of his neck. He grabbed her shoulders and pulled her in tight, one arm up her back and the other cradling her head.

In the tiniest whisper, she let the truth flow out from her chest. "I love you, too."

The clouds provoked her, so peaceful and quiet, while her head was a big, loud mess. Y/N leaned her head on the window, glaring at them and wondering if she should've said what she did. That she loved him. Internally, she debated whether or not it would make things worse. But she wasn't going to see him again; she might as well have left him with the truth.

Time was lost to her. She thought she would be landing soon, but she couldn't be sure. She couldn't be sure of anything anymore.

-

Bucky sat at the lake - their lake - and just stared into the water. It felt so strange to him, that she was gone. One minute she was here and now he was just... alone.

It was so quiet. Too quiet. Of course being alone was quiet, but after Y/N left, the air just felt empty.

He wished he could talk to her. Whenever he was upset, all he wanted to do was talk to her.

"So, is this... d-do we say goodbye now?" he asked when they got back to his hut.

"Yeah..." she sighed. "yeah."

"Are you going back to Europe?"

"Yes. Belgium. Haven't been in my apartment in forever."

"Belgium," he wondered. "It's nice there. Safe. What are you gonna do for work?"

"Probably just continue where I left off on my research. Fancy brain stuff, ya'know?"

He grinned, proud. "My smart girl."

She looked around her, as if watching for something. Or someone.

"Buck, I think I have to go now."

"Just one more minute? Please. I wanna remember you like this. Not sad and crying."

Y/N smiled, grabbed his hands, and kissed his knuckles. Both flesh and metal. Because they were both part of him and she loved him. All of him.

Then, she placed both his hands on either side of her face. Softly she said, "remember me like this," before bringing their lips together.

He looked down at his vibranium arm, twisting his wrist to watch how the plates whirred.

Since the first moment he put it on, he had been using it to be gentle, loving, and affectionate. This arm was good. This arm wasn't used for death and destruction and violence.

With this arm he held her, kissed her, loved her. And now she was gone. And now it felt like dead weight.

— ONE WEEK LATER —

Whenever Bucky looked at his bionic arm he saw her. It began to make him sad.

His hair had been getting longer and longer. He could cut it now, now that he had two arms. But every time he tried, all he could do was stare at the arm and hear her voice in his head.

"That's your heart. That's you. You're all heart, Buck. You're so deeply, wonderfully human. All the way to your bones."

That was the first time he expressed real distress about missing a limb, he recalled. That was the first time they kissed. Funny how that transition was made, funny how she could remedy some of his worst emotions.

His days were boring and uneventful and nearly silent. He sat alone a lot. There was no laughter anymore, none of her laughter. There was no more holding, no more kissing, no more loving. The arm just felt... wrong? Like what it was born from had died.

-

In Belgium, Y/N felt incredibly uncomfortable. She knew she just needed to adjust to the change, after getting to used to life in Wakanda - life with Bucky. Her vacant apartment didn't feel as homey.

It had been, what, a year and a half? About a year and a half since she had been home. About a year and a half spent with Bucky.

Her apartment seemed so... barren. Void of life. And cold. She was used to the Wakandan heat. When she closed and locked the door behind her, she looked at the golden square that the sun cast through her window. It reminded her of that heat.

Y/N sighed, cursing her very own hippocampus for providing her with memory.

"God, I wish you had an AC in here."

She was in his bed. Well, she was on top of him, straddling him, in his bed.

"Is it hot or is it just you?" he joked, poking at her sides and trying to not pout at the loss of her lips.

"Ha. Ha," she rolled her eyes and brought her face back to his.

"Wait," Bucky said and gently pulled her face away to examine it. "You are a little warm."

"It's okay," she quickly tried to resume their previous activity.

"Hold on-" he got cut off as Y/N kept pecking his lips over and over.

"I have-"

Kiss.

"An idea-"

Kiss.

Lightly he pushed her shoulders away, nearly giggling. "Stop it! Just wait a second!"

Bashful, she conceded. "What?"

"Just-" he reached out and put the vibranium hand on her forehead, effectively cooling her down a bit. She closed her eyes and flashed a goofy smile.

"That feels nice."

Then, suddenly, he wrapped both his arms around her back and flipped them over so that he was on top. He smirked.

"Oh yeah, you just wait."

She hung her keys up and took a deep breath, absorbing the emptiness. This was her new normal; she just had to get used to it.

-

"I just- I don't really... I don't think I need it," Bucky tried to explain.

Want it, he thought. I don't want it. I can't stand to even look at it.

"You don't need it?" Shuri asked.

"Yeah, it-uh it takes a bit of getting used to and I think I just need a break. And I wouldn't want to damage it so... figured it's better with you."

He was better at lying than he gave himself credit for.

"Okay," Shuri accepted his answer and began to detach the bionic arm. "But you let me know if it's uncomfortable or painful anywhere so I can adjust it. Alright?"

"Alright. Thank you."

Finally he was rid of it- that cursed metal weighing down on his soul. Maybe now he could focus on other things. Maybe. It didn't seem likely...

However, as the days drew closer, it did make him slightly - only slightly -  less nervous about the trigger word experiment. Now he didn't have a weapon attached to him. Though he reckoned he was the weapon.

No. He wasn't supposed to think like that. He knew Y/N wouldn't want him to. He knew she would say something like, "You aren't what they tried to make you into. You're you and all HYDRA's awfulness can't change the good at your core. My Bucky. You're perfect."

He'd deny to high heavens that he was the farthest thing from perfect. Bucky had no clue how she could say such things. But her conviction never faltered.

Soon enough the day came. The experiment. All he could think about was how she was supposed to be there. He didn't want to do this without her.

But now, he found himself sitting at at a fire on some mountain with one of the Doras. It was dark and it was scary. He was scared.

"It is time," said Ayo.

Nevermind want. He wasn't sure if he could do this without her.

"Are you sure about this?"

"I won't let you hurt anyone."

He was still scared. He still didn't trust himself. But, staring into the fire, he thought back to a past conversation.

"You don't have to trust yourself. That's hard enough as it is and Hydra didn't make it any easier. You just trust me, alright? ... And I will not let anything happen to you."

Bucky didn't have to trust himself. He just had to trust her. Even if she wasn't here, even if she was on another continent, all he had to do was trust her. When Ayo began reciting the trigger words, that was the one thing thing he held onto. The one thing that kept him afloat.

His trust in her.

delicate taglist: @emmojoy @bakugouswh0r3 @thefridgeismybestie @strivingforelegance @ilovespideyyy @xpurpleglitter @bluelakeee @darkacademic2 @eclipsedplanet @paradisedixon @crazy-beautiful @coffee--writes @lilithknight1111 @buckybarnesishot310 @softladyhours @alwayssandy @those-sea-green-eyes @hero-ically @devilswaldorf @cc13723things @small-death-and-codeine @avengersgirllorianna @cataves @thatbitchsposts @talktomeaboutthestars @surrealpsycho @headheartbellarke @bubbly-moonwarrior @bluemoon-icecream @buckeyecreates @augustbucky @itsthemaree @undiadeestos

[crab-instruments]

Dust in the Wind Part 3 (tbb)

Master <Part 2 Part 4>

Pairing: Hunter x Secret Jedi! Reader (GN)

Rating and Warning: General audience, not much happens (yet)

Words: 1K

a/n: some notes at the end. I didn't think this would get any attention really and I did not know how good it would feel, so please give that little heart like to the fics you read (not just mine lol). I really liked Fallen Order so if you haven't played it and can, I would recommend it, but I'll be incorporating pieces of that game into my fic. I've been using italics for thoughts, if it's in quotes it just means it's being said at not a normal volume (like through a door or spoken really fast). If that doesn't make sense in the fic, it's something I can work on.

Image Credit

The reflection that stared back at you in the mirror looked like someone else. Your hands gripped the sink hard, in an attempt to focus. In your head, you chanted loudly your new identity. My name is Maxis, I’m a freelance mechanic, and I’m now… temporarily… a part of a crew I’ve never met. Kriff, am I insane? That question was rhetorical, the answer was an resounding yes, although this may not be the most outlandish situation you’ve gotten yourself in.

The necklace under your top felt heavy. You pulled it out, staring at the parts. Carrying your deconstructed lightsaber wasn’t the smartest idea but it was something you couldn’t let go of, even before The Purge happened. Most of the pieces were on a long wire that you wrapped loosely around your neck and it hid fairly nicely, looking like just random junk on a wire. The parts that didn’t fit on the necklace well sat on your wrists as bracelets. You tucked it back in and moved your welding goggles from your head to your neck, hiding it further down.

“That’s fine Hunter, but where are they going to sleep? We barely have space as it is,” a muffled voice came from outside the door, drawing your attention back to reality.

Hunter had stepped out leaving you in the small room alone, thinking that explaining the situation to the squad would better. It had been a few minutes since he had left and by the sounds of it, was still trying to sell the idea of you being here was a good idea.

Moving quietly towards the door, your curiosity got the best of you. You pressed your ear to the cold metal, attempting to listen in on the conversation.

“They can sleep in the gunner’s mount with me!” a small, cheerful voice piped up.

“That’s very kind of you, Omega, but we’ll figure it out later,” Hunter’s voice had a hint of favor to it, he obviously adored the child he who had offered space for you. He was probably giving her a small smile, the thought was contagious enough to bring a small smile to your own face.

“I would like to go back to the fact that we know nothing about this ‘Maxis’ or their past. They could very well be a dangerous criminal on the run, based on the story they gave you,” the very pragmatic voice cut through the rest.

At that accusation, you crossed your arms and pouted. “Dangerous? I’m about as dangerous as a bogling.”

Suddenly, the door you were leaning against had opened, sending you dropping to the ground. You shot your arms out, attempting to grab something to stop your introduction to the ground. Luckily, strong arms grabbed yours, steading you. Your eyes met Hunter’s, and stars, did you wish you could stay there. However, five other pair of eyes were on you. Quickly, you attempted to gain your composure and stand up straight.

“What was that about a bogling?” There was a hint of humor in Hunter’s voice. I barely said that above a whisper, how did he hear that?

You cleared your throat and adjusted your tunic. “Uh, I just meant that… I’m not dangerous to you. I’m just a mechanic and got caught up with... I just…” you tried to swallow the nothing in your dry mouth. “IsabotagedanImperialSoldier’sspeederbecausehewasactinglikealaserbrain.” It was a risk to insult the Empire in front of this crew without knowledge of their current standing but more than likely by their hasty escape, they weren’t friendly with the newer overlords.

Everyone’s eyes went wide at your confession, except for the silver haired man who’s grip on the toothpick in his mouth got tighter.

The little girl, Omega, stepped closer. “You sabotaged an Imperial Soldier’s speeder? He caught you and that’s why you were running?” Her eyes may or may not have held something like admiration.

You nodded. “Yeah… It was… worth it to see the bike fall a part under him while trying to catch up.”

The largest one laughed loudly, probably didn’t have any other setting other than ‘loud and explosive’, but it wasn’t threatening. It seemed he also enjoyed the thought along with Omega. “I think Maxis does belong with us if that’s why they’re running.” The others were also holding back laughs.

“If you know how to put machines together, you know how to take them apart,” a slight smile crossed your face. “Of course, when I’m working on your ship, I’ll only put in quality work. I’ll treat the ship like it was my own. That is… if you’ll have me.” The others gave looks to each other and eventually nodded, looking back at Hunter for direction.

“Of course. We aren’t exactly… on great terms with the Empire either. Well, since that’s settled…” He gestured to the paler man to his left, starting the introductions. “This is Echo, part machine, all tactics. Crosshair is our sniper, doesn’t say much. Tech, on the hand, will talk about everything in the universe. Wrecker does explosives and takes down anything in his path. Lastly, this is Omeg—”

“I’m Omega! It’s so nice to meet you!” She was obviously very excited to meet new people. She grabbed your hand, shaking it. “Hunter, can I show Maxis around the ship?” Her eyes sparkled.

Hunter met your eyes and you gave a slight nod. “Of course.” Omega dragged you past the boys, starting the tour of your new home.

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

After a few standard hours, you found yourself sitting in the cockpit watching hyperspace fly by, Omega in your lap slowly falling asleep but doing her best to stay awake. How she could become fast friends with you was something you’d never understand, but it felt like you’d known her for much longer than you did.

Most of the others went to sleep for the rest of the ride, Tech seemed to be tinkering with something just beyond the cockpit. Hunter had been with you but stepped back a bit, possibly figuring out space issues.

“Omega, you’ve been a great hostess but you can go to sleep.”

She rubbed her eyes before laying her head back on your shoulder. “I’m not sleepy”.

“Ha, okay.” You brought your hand to her head to stroke it, running your fingers through her hair. She seemed to melt closer to you. Your eyes were also heavy, and this would fix the shortage of beds problem, if you just… slept here. Almost absentmindedly, you started to hum to Omega, lulling her to sleep.

“♪ I close my eyes

Only for a moment, and the moment's gone

All my dreams

Pass before my eyes, a curiosity

Dust in the wind

All they are is dust in the wind ♪”

Unbeknownst to you, Hunter had returned and leaned against the doorframe. In his hand, he had a blanket. He waited until both of your breaths became even to make sure you were asleep before putting the blanket over both of you and took a seat.

Part 4

_______________________________________________________

Notes:

Bogling: basically a racoon sized squirrel. Could be dangerous if they get into the vents of your ship, but otherwise, pretty cute. First Fallen Order "reference".

Dust in the Wind - Kansas: This is where the name of the fic comes from. Roll credits. It'll come up a few times like a connection. There's a reason, not necessarily a good one but it's not like a "aha! gotcha" sorta thing. I hope that it's not too cheesy.

[the-writers-bookshelf]

hello there! it's the castor and reed anon. i'm going to be super busy this weekend, so i hope you don't mind if i send this in early :)

basically, i've been doing a lot of writing (at least for me), when usually i can't put words on the page at all! has any of it been productive work that furthers my story? ...not really? but i love writing one or two thousand words about something random. i'll drop some excerpts from what i've written with a little context!

this first one has no purpose, but it was still cool to lay out natalia's mindset. i didn't realize how insecure she was about being herself until writing this.

Well, now that I think about it, I guess I'm less bothered by the adults. The problem is kids my age. I know I haven't outgrown a lot of the things they have, and I don't know if it'll happen at all.

I remember when I was sitting on the bench with Ashton when a little boy came up and tagged me. Obviously, I wasn't going to spoil it for him, so I started chasing him and was just able to grab his shoulder when two teenage girls from my high school walked past. I stopped dead in my tracks like a statue. They didn't say anything directly to me, but if looks could kill, they would.

second one is part of a concept for haven, and will hopefully become an actual part of the story. natalia visits her older brother's grave, who didn't even pass away that long ago, but most of the people in the neighborhood have already stopped sending flowers and condolences. her best friend/brother figure is there with her.

"It's sad how the moment you're dead, people decide to forget about you."

"And no one really remembers you when you're alive, either..."

and for this last one, explaining it is complicated. it's not haven related. i always use first person perspective for stories, but this is the first time that i wrote "i" to mean me. this is from a short project where i explore my childhood home with a comfort character of mine, and though it feels silly, long story short, i'm kind of writing it to help heal a childhood wound. it's already working, too! it's the first time i let myself write without really thinking or editing much.

I focus my attention back onto my friend at the tap of my shoulder. He beckons me to follow him with a motion of his hand, and by the direction we head in, I can put the pieces together of what brings him here. He took a left turn, approaching the miniature field of wheat. I believe he's looking for an area of the river without such a steep embankment, which means he's in luck, but only if he's willing to stomach the sensation of tall grass scratching his calves. I never enjoyed that. Especially when it sticks to your damp skin on the way back, because what's a trip down to the creek without wading?

I walk through the wheat first, begrudgingly. He joins with a similar mentality. Once the wheat becomes more sparse and leads toward a patch of land on the creek's level, stones outlining its sides, we're relieved of the itchiness and approach a tree. It stretches to the sky with a significant, sturdy limb hanging over us like an archway. I'd always thought it'd be a good place to put a tire swing. I'd always wanted to sit on top of there, but never could.

An idea strikes me as I step closer to its trunk. Why don't the two of us climb it today?

I'm not much stronger than I was at eleven, and the same can be said about my friend. In fact, we both have stories about our fear of heights. Grabbing the base of the tree and staring upwards seems to have him catch on, so he gives me a glance that says he's unsure. That's understandable. I kneel down as a gesture to help boost him up, then smile in a way to show it's an offer he's free to decline. He gives himself time to think before finally stepping forward, placing his foot on my hands, and I raise him up with all the strength I can muster. After some scrambling, he plants himself between its limbs and reaches a hand toward me. I grip his wrist to allow him to yank me upward and find myself with a bird's eye view of my childhood backyard. We pant from the exercise.

i've also been drawing more than usual, and playing more piano, so i guess it's been a creative week overall! i'm glad.

YAY for a creative week overall!! That's fantastic!!!

I also love love love how you're exploring your self-expression through your writing and using it as a way to heal! That's wonderful!

Your writing flows incredibly well and smoothly and it's a joy to read! Fantastic job! ♥

[judgement-free-sideblog]

Dancing Lessons

Barry Berkman x reader

Summary: Barry is finally cast in a feature, the problem? He said he could dance and now he can either disappoint Sally or found a way to learn some steps.

Warnings: Swearing, blood, violence, guns, cheating, drinking.

Part 1 ● Part 2 ● Part 3 ● Part 4 ● 

Part 5 ● Part 6 ● Part 7 ● Part 8 ● Epilogue

Part 8

NoHo Hank was already in they warehouse that the other bald man drive him to, he looked a hit more pale than usual, but he still had a bright smile on his face, and if it was possible it grew even more once he saw him enter the building.

"Oh Barry, I thought Anzor will have to bring you by force here" He said and as always having an exaggerated hospitality considering the large weapons his men were carrying and the desolate place they were in, and specially since Anzor had already tied his hands together an sit him on a chair in front of Hank "Well I'm sure Fuches told you, we had an offer for you, and I want to be clear, I am more than willing to negotiate, but Batir is more of a "Do it or else" kind of guy, so what do you expect from this little exchange?" He said like this was a normal job interview, and maybe his annoying attitude made him came out of the trance and realize this was a bad idea.

"I won't kill for you anymore Hank" He said, but the pale man ignored him, or pretend he didn't listen "I came here because Fuches ask me too, but I'm no going to become your henchmen, I'm no longer killing for a living" And then because he was actually not to convince to fight for his life he add "So if you want to kill me do it for once, this is your best chance" he said and rise his tied hands

"Oh relax, who said anything about a henchman? We are no longer that kind of business" Hank said and with a hand order his men to walk out, then he let him lose, so he start rubbing his wrists.

"And the Chechen mob just want to hire me as what? An accountant?" He said bitterly. "What kind of business are you now then?"

"Batir is expanding our portfolio of business, and well sometimes acquiring new companies takes a little of persuasion, you would understand that people don't feel comfortable with guys like Anzor doing the negotiation, a gorgeous tall man with piercing blue eyes like you could come in handy to us"

"That sounds a lot like being a henchman, also what if I said yes? I am going to bully every company owner in LA for you and Batir, and then what? When I'm no use for you anymore you will shoot me? I don't think so" He said, desperately trying to figure out an escape plan.

"Oh but that's were you are wrong Barry, we don't want to hire you to be part of our organization, this is more a freelance situation" He said and smile widely since Barry was now perplex and silent. "We have a problem with a little oil company that thought they could found a wide benefactor in Texas so they will protect them from Batir, you must understand how disrespectful that is, so we want you to go a and make their lawyers to back on that idea and come back to us, after all you have greatly offended us, however if you do this your debt will be completely erased" he said and let him a couple minutes to think.

"How am I supposed to convince them?" He asked finally.

"Well you can just look at them with those puppies" he said pointing at his eyes "And if that doesn't work I'm sure you can figure something out, in the end if something happens to them I'm sure their boss will understand the message"

"How many?" He answered, and even when he haven't agree yet he could feel the adrenaline run trough his veins.

"Two guys, semi rich, but pretty unknown guys" he said unable to hide his excitement.

"And we are clear?"

"And we are clear" He said delighted "After Fuches little charade with the Burmeses, Batir thinks you are better away from us, but he will spare your life for a favor, specially a big one like this one, and if it comes to the worst case scenario for them he will also pay you for your service.

"It must be a big company if they are willing to forgive everything just for two guys" Barry said and Hanks let out a little laugh that made him realize there was something else going on there.

"Isn't it funny? This is how we met, and how we said goodbye too" he started "One of the guys used to work for us, but then he starts getting ideas of how to get ahead of Batir and he start giving advice to companies to go with our competition for a price obviously and then Batir found out he has been dating one of his niece's for like a year, like any other straight guy, right? Why do you have to be so toxic? Anyway, he wants him dead, and he is convinced that is you could do an exceptional job as you did in the monastery you can eliminate him" He handed him a folder but before he could open it a moment of clearness came to his head.

"Why me?"

"Well because you can handle a gun like anybody and are the best cold blooded killer of course" He said with no hesitation.

"Hank, you know what I mean, why do you want me to kill this man specifically, and why now?" He said with his hands trembling while he opened the folder.

"Batir found out he was dating Monique while we were following you" He started, serious for the first time in their exchange "Crazy coincidence huh? Anyway it could be of use to your lady friend, the guy is an asshole, not like Monique is any good either, but you know Batir, it took some convincing him to give this work to you, otherwise he will send our guys to deal with him, and you know how stupid these guys are, there could be collateral damage" he said and he could see the anger on his face as he look the pictures of Alan coming out of Y/N studio.

"I'll do it, I want half in advance" he said finally, and the dark look on his eyes was enough for Hank to not prevent him to leave "She needs to stay out of this, you know that right? I will kill you myself if she knows, understood? " He said before he walked out.

"Loud and clear"

Once he was alone in his car and away from the look of Hank's men he did the only logical thing he could think off and he start screaming, and loudly banging his hands against his head, he had swear to stop this, no more blood in his hands, but Hank was right, there would be collateral damage otherwise, and if doing nothing meant having her blood on his hands he rather take his gun out again.

The next morning a duffel bag with 15 thousand dollars masterly appeared at his door, thankfully before his roommates could see it, and he spent the next three days using his rehearsals to calculate Alan movements out of the studio. And he concluded that his best chance was early in the morning when he leave his house to go to his "office"

"So tomorrow is the big day" her voice said once he was resting after a particular hard session with Macy, but since his mind was on her husband he didn't saw her approach him.

"How do you know?" He asked alarmed, but he immediately realized she couldn't possibly know.

"Well you told us that your big recording of the dance is tomorrow, that's why Macy is making you do this all extra work isn't it?" She said a bit scared of his tone, maybe fearful that they were not supposed to talk yet.

"Oh that, sure, I'm just a bit worried about it I'm sorry" He said and finally a good idea came to his head. "Actually it would mean a lot of you could be there, you can tell Janice to stop acting out and teach a thing or two to my coordinator" he improvise a smile and she take it as a good sign because she smiled back.

"I would love too, what time?"

"Well I have to be there at 10, but you should go early like at 8 and see the studio, I'll text Sophie so she will give you a pass" he said knowing that Alan leave the house exactly at 8:30.

"Are you sure you want me there? I mean maybe you'll get more moral support from your..."

"I'm sure my ex girlfriend is busy tomorrow" He cut her mid sentence and for a brief moment that doesn't have to do with murder he enjoy the little smile that curve on her lips at the word ex

"In that case I think I can be your cheerleader for a day" She said but then she took a guilty look at her wedding ring and her smile disappeared "I'll see you tomorrow I guess"

He had a sleepless night, he took his gun out and cleaned, then he reviewed his plan over and over again, trying to think of a way out of this, he would kill Alan and broke Y/N heart because his nexus with the Chechens will be clear after his dead and he will be finally free, and in a couple months he and Sally will be happy, that was it right? She may be ashamed for his husband but she will be alive...

He could obviously spare his life, convince him to go away, in that case how long before Batir found out?, how long before he killed him... but she will be safe, with both men away from her... Because it was clear to him that spare Alan's life meant his own death sentence, maybe months later, but eventually, but if he was now without Sally, without Y/N, even without Fuches, what was the point?

He finally took a decision and put both the gun and the money in his backpack and fall asleep at 3 in the morning. Making his last thoughts to be of her, waiting in the studio to cheer him on his big scene.

When the sun rise over LA next morning he was drinking a hot cup of bad coffee, looking in the distance how she exit her house at 7:30, she looked prettier than in his dreams, he could have swear that she was carrying her white seetrough dancing skirts on her bag, ready to teach Janice a lesson, and his heart ached, he could not do it anymore.

Suddenly he felt the urge to confess, so he called her, begging the heavens for her to pick up, she would hate him, but she would be safe.

The phone ring... once, twice, it went to voicemail after the fourth. He was about to hang up, but suddenly he found himself talking, he didn't confess... not to his crime at least, but he was now certain that herr life and stability were more important, and sure that he will no longer see her again.

At exactly 8:30 Alan left the studio, he walk to his car that he parked a little far from the entrance, so he didn't saw the man wearing a hoodie and a baseball hat approach him, and there was so little people on the street that nobody else did.

"Keep walking asshole" and angry voice, oddly familiar, said and put what without a doubt was a gun on his back.

"Take my wallet and my phone man, that's all I got on me" he said with a nervous voice "Here my car keys, is that one there, is new" He said now more like a plea.

"I don't care about your fucking money, keep walking" he said and put him closer to him, it almost look like two friends walking, nothing suspicious about them, finally after a couple blocks he made him walk towards an alley and finally made him face him, he took off the hoodie and the cap.

He looked surprised at first, maybe a little less frightened, but the gun on his hand was a very real threat.

"I don't understand" he started "what do you want?"

"Do you know a man named Batir?" Barry asked with a dry growl, enough to make him silent.

"No, what are you talking about?" He lied nervously.

"It will be on your best interest to don't lie, I will ask one more time, do you know who Batir is?" He said putting the gun between his eyes.

"Ok, I do, I may have work with him a couple times, but I'm clean now ok?"

"Don't piss your pants dude, one more question, why did you think it was a good idea to screw his niece?" Barry said and Alan's brain seemed to finally connect the dots.

"This is about her? I'm no longer with her, we broke up, after you saw me with Y/N, I swear" He said, and the mention of her name make him loose his guard for a moment, something that Alan notice. "Listen I love my wife ok? You don't have to do this, I already got a better job offer in Texas, I will leave and Batir can keep harassing small companies, if he want the merge gone is gone ok? I don't care about the money, it was all my associate Tom's idea."

"You really like to snitch right?" Barry said exasperated "Turn around" Tear started running on Alan's face, and all hope abandoned his body "TURN AROUND NOW!!" He screamed.

He obeyed shaking and face the wall, and maybe without the fury of Barry's eyes looking at him he managed to think with clarity.

"Think of her" he said and even when he didn't saw him he felt his respiration change and saw his hand an the gun shake on the corner of his eye. "I know you are her friend, she told me everything last night because I saw you leaving the studio in the afternoon." He explained quickly and since he didn't fired he continued "You must care about her since you didn't told her what you knew about me, your a decent guy Barry, don't do this, I promise I will leave..."

***

"Y/N? Damn it's your voicemail, anyway I'm calling because... actually I don't know why I'm calling, I'm going to see you later right? , I was thinking maybe we should go eat after... You know what? The truth is... that I think, I don't know maybe if things were different, maybe I would have asked you out, but you are married and I can't change that, but at least I wanted to say that I'm glad that I met you, thank you for being there... I'll see you soon"

It was already 9:45, and he hasn't showed up yet, but you had made a full tour of the studio with Sophie and she even let you give notes to Janice, since apparently she have saw you dance in NY years before, but for a moment an odd feeling invaded your heart, the message had no sense but it felt like a goodbye.

Something completely stupid of course since he had no reason to say goodbye, but you did. You had confess to Alan about your adolescent crush, and after a long talk you had decided to try again, even when you were sure it was impossible. But it wasn't fair on your side to drag Barry into that mess, he was a good man after all.

***

The sudden sound of something hitting the ground scared him, but it was just a backpack.

"Pick it!" He said and he obeyed "There are 10 thousand dollars there, I'm sure a smart guy like you can find a way to survive somewhere else with that, you will leave and never comeback ok? No contact with Y/N or any girlfriend, no family. Nothing" He said angrily.

"Of course, thank you, I swear you won't see me again" he said frantically.

"Give your phone and your wallet, and your car keys" Alan do as told quickly now with his breathing regulated. Barry was about to start walking away from him, when he could saw him smile sardonically. "What is so funny?"

"The fact that I knew sleeping with Monique was wrong and I panicked when you saw me with my wife, but I never thought that it could save my life" He said and maybe the nod Barry gave him encouraged him to keep talking. "At least now you can be with her, and I don't intend to come back and ruin your future happiness by her side."

"What?"

"Y/N, last night she was so helpless telling me how sorry she was about her little crush on you. That's how I know you are a man of honor, you had dirt on my, and you like my wife, yet you didn't told her."

"Is not about honor, not like you would understand it" he said suddenly getting angry at him.

"Yeah yeah, everyone has an agenda Berkman, and everyone can be bought, maybe not all with money, like in this case"

"What do you mean?" He said with a calm that hide his anger from Alan.

"Well I bought my life from you and ten thousand dollars in exchange of my silence and my blissful ignorant wife, who appears to be to decent to cheat on me, maybe you'll have to work a little there for her to take you, but don't worry I won't come back"

"No, you won't"