#novwrites!

[novembermoonss]

I’ve Got a Feeling I’m Falling

Happy Valentine’s Day 💗💗💗 I’ve been apart of a wonderful event @killugonvalentines organized for killugon!! 

*dramatic drumroll*

My lovely valentine was @chuuyasboots <3 Flair, it’s been so fun sending you asks and the responses I got were amazing LOL Literally, the best valentines I could’ve hoped for! I admit, I was curious and read some of your fics too and WOWWW I LOVE THEM. The Leorio fics on there are just beautiful and perfect. ~mwah~ Here, I officially present to you the fic which was a ton of fun to write, I hope I was able to incorporate enough domestic fluff :33

I will also be posting this on AO3 for anyone who prefers reading on there :) (also love the fact i can include silly little author’s notes on ao3 hehehe)

Only Gon would be able to make Killua do these sorts of things.

And on a Saturday no less.

His phone rang loudly at five in the morning. After the third ring, Killua was ready to yell at whoever felt they had the nerve to be calling at this time.

Except, he had forgotten one important thing.

The one calling is someone he knew all too well. In fact, for the past two weeks his call log had been mainly from a single name that made Killua’s heart do a funny jump every time he saw it pop up.

“Who the fuck-”

“Killua!” The voice was cheerful and bright and a little too energetic considering how dark it still was outside.

“Gon?” Killua managed to croak out, quickly clearing his throat after realizing how gravelly it sounded.

“Woah, your voice!” Gon had the audacity to giggle.

“I literally just woke up, what were you expecting?” He kept his tone casual as if he weren’t completely mortified at the fact that Gon now knew what his morning voice sounded like.

“It just surprised me!” Gon let out another laugh and Killua swore that if he laughed one more time he was going to–

“Your voice is more rough in the morning…I like that”

He could practically see the smirk on the idiot’s face. Never had he been so grateful this was just a phone call. He wouldn’t give Gon the satisfaction of knowing that those simple words actually had an effect on him.

Gon just heard the other side of the line go quiet. He wanted to giggle again, but he knew that if he did that, it would end with Killua hanging up and thinking he was just teasing him.

Which was partially true.

Teasing Killua had to be one of his favorite things to do because the reactions he got were amazing. But then again, he always meant what he said, especially when it came to Killua. Gon kept a mental note to call Killua in the morning more often now.

Killua let out a loud sigh. “Gon…I swear, you tell me why you’re calling or I’m going to hang up”

“Okay, okay, okay I’ll stop. Remember I told you about that hiking trail I go to on the weekends?”

“The one where you almost got bit by a baby coyote after thinking it was a puppy?”

“Yeah… that's the one. Ah, I sorta regret telling you about that now” Gon pouted as Killua’s laughter sounded through his phone's speaker. That sound would always be his top favorite, with the sound of Killua’s morning voice coming in a close second. “Anyway! The trail looks so nice in the morning but it gets really full later in the day. I was wondering…”

Killua groaned knowing the direction this conversation was headed.

The need to spend as much time with Gon would always outweigh his urge to sleep.

“Gimme thirty minutes”

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He was panting hard.

Cold sweat dripped down his back as he remained bent over, hands on his knees trying to catch his breath. When Gon said hike, he failed to mention it was one of the hardest trails in the entire area. Speaking of which, Gon seemed to have no problem with that fact. He kept pointing out random plants and picking up bugs to chase Killua up the trail. At one point, not even the bugs could get Killua’s legs running.

“I swear,” Killua panted ,”you say ‘go Killua!’ one more time and I’ll…” he kept gulping for air.

Gon stood unfazed at Killua’s empty threats, face breaking out into a smile.

“You’ll what?” he teased. “Seems like first you’re gonna have to catch up to me.” He opened his arms wide.

Killua groaned.

This was it.

He would probably just stay here forever.

With the bugs as his friends.

He plopped down on the dirt with a loud thump and crossed his arms. No one would be able to make him move one more step.

“Killuaaa, what are you doing?” Gon whined.

“Nope, not doing it Gon. I am not moving from this spot. Physically impossible. I don’t care, someone’s gonna need to carry me out of here or something but I'm not moving.” Killua remained planted on the ground, eyes closed as he let the small breeze blow on his face.

Bringing this headband was such a good idea, he thought as he continued to relax on the dirt trail, unable to gather the energy to flick the bugs he was certain were crawling on his ankle right now. He almost forgot Gon was watching this all go down before a sudden familiar voice spoke up again.

“Okay.”

Huh?

His ears picked up the sound of footsteps coming closer. He peeked open one eye and saw Gon walking towards him, eyes bright and determined.

And all of that focus was on Killua.

What is he doing…

Killua’s eyes grew wider by the second as Gon continued walking towards him. His body seemed bigger from this angle, and all of it combined with that look made Killua’s heart start to beat a little faster.

Or it could be the fact that he had jogged the last three miles and was still out of breath.

He was too tired to decide.

Right when he thought Gon would pause in front of him, he simply continued past him. A knowing smirk was on his face. Killua was about to grab his ankle when suddenly in one quick fluid motion, he felt arms wrap around him. A tan arm wrapped around his shoulder while the other scooped him up from underneath his knees. Before he knew it, he was lifted off the ground and Killua did the only thing he could in the moment—he shrieked.

This man decided to carry him bridal style.

“Gon! What the fuck are you doing?!”

He wanted to flick the idiot on the head, cover his own face from sheer embarrassment, and yell bloody murder alll at the same time. He looked down at the ground and the fear of being accidentally dropped made him think twice. Gon’s arms were wrapped securely around his body, carrying him as if he weighed nothing. In this position, Killua felt vulnerable as Gon walked up the hill, careful not to bounce him around too much. Being treated like something delicate felt strange. Not exactly unwelcome, but definitely weird. He refused to look down at the ground again and ended up staring right at Gon’s chest. Killua didn’t remember if he’d ever been this close to Gon before. Whatever was going on right now felt a little too soft considering the situation they were in.

At last they reached the top of the hill, and Gon carefully lowered Killua. His legs felt a bit wobbly, but it seemed he had finally caught his breath. He wasn’t breathing hard anymore so why then was his heart still beating quickly?

The weight around his shoulder was gone and he couldn't help but feel disappointed. Why exactly he was disappointed was something he didn’t want to think about right now.

Gon was still smiling at him as he explained, “You said you needed to be carried so I just did what you asked.”

Amazing.

It was amazing how Gon’s brain worked sometimes.

“That doesn’t mean you just- just lift me up! What if you dropped me or I fell or…I don’t know!” Killua spluttered, throwing his arms up in the air.

“I wouldn’t have let that happen. Besides…” Gon smirked ,”you didn’t consider one thing. Maybe I wanted to carry you, show off how strong I actually am,” he winked. “You can ask me to carry you anytime.”

Killua rolled his eyes, despite the way he felt his face warming up. “Don’t go on thinking I’m weak, Gon”

“Yeah? If you’re so strong, why couldn't you finish the trail?” Gon teased.

Killua loved a good challenge. “Oh, don't worry, I’ll show you just how strong I am. Close your eyes.”

He couldn't help but smirk at the way Gon’s eyes grew a little wider.

Good.

That meant he caught him off guard.

Gon peered at Killua suspiciously but continued to do as told.

“And just how are you gonna show me, huh?” Gon said in an attempt at teasing Killua once again, but instead it came out breathless.

Killua hummed as he circled around Gon.

“Same way you did…” Killua was close enough now that Gon could feel him breathing the words near his neck. It tickled and a shiver went down his spine. The words that followed came nearly in a whisper from behind him.

“I’m just catching you off guard is all.”

Wait.

He was too slow. He’d barely opened his eyes when he stumbled forward from the impact of Killua’s foot making contact with his-

“Boom! Right on your ass!” Killua threw his head back and started laughing so much that tears were beginning to come out of his eyes. He looked at Gon and realized he was just gaping at him.

“You…”

They stood there staring at each other. Both of them waiting for the other to make the first move.

Killua made a run for it, nearly tripping over a root as he sprinted down the trail. He could hear Gon’s footsteps coming closer.

“Oh shit!”  he shrieked and couldn’t help the unrestrained laughter from the thrill of it all. He loved weekends with Gon.

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By the time he got home, the orange sky had faded into a deep purple. His body felt sore and in desperate need of a shower. He trudged over to the bathroom and as he went to wash his hands, he noticed something.

A small flower bracelet was wrapped securely on his wrist.

The flower stems were knotted together in a clumsy manner while the bracelet itself was made up of several different kinds of flowers. A mixture of white daisies and a purple flower Killua didn’t know the name of. He remembered Gon going on and on about different plant species during the hike, but he’d been too focused on Gon himself to actually pay attention. His heart swelled in chest as continued staring at the handmade bracelet.

How exactly Gon managed to find the time to make it and tie it on his wrist without Killua realizing is a mystery.

It’s weird how such a simple thing made Killua feel that strange emotion bubble up inside him again, the one that made him feel vulnerable and comforted at the same time. Careful not to rip them, Killua delicately unknotted one of the stems and placed the bracelet on his night table.

When he goes to sleep that night, the last thing he remembers is a flower bracelet that was made just for him.

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“Gon, just choose one already,” Killua complained. It’d been more than enough time for a sane person to be choosing a basket of strawberries, of all things. “I promise, they won’t hit you over the head for choosing the wrong basket…if that's even possible.”

“We need to get only the best for Alluka and Nanika, it’s their birthday!” Gon countered.

“Idiot, don’t you think I know that? I’m literally their brother,” Killua deadpanned. “Anyway, why do you think I brought you to this specific farmers market? They’re known for selling the best of everything.”

“Aww, and here I thought Killua just wanted to have a little date with me,” Gon sighed.

Usually, Killua wouldn't consider himself the blushing type. But Gon seemed to really be testing that theory.

Before Killua had the time to find the words to respond, or better yet, decide if it was even possible to respond to that kind of thing, a lady shopping nearby came up to them.

“What a cute couple!” she cooed. “How long have you both been together?”

An innocent question.

Really, it wasn’t in the slightest bit scandalous.

That is, if he were actually dating the guy. But he wasn’t. He couldn’t call Gon his boyfriend. Killua hadn’t been asked to become his.

But it wasn’t like he was secretly wishing for it. Sure, he might feel a nervous excitement when he caught Gon staring at him like he was something amazing. Or when Gon stood a little closer to him despite the empty space around them. Or even now, teasing each other in that way which made Killua wonder how it would be if they were actually–Wait. Not going there.

Nope he definitely wasn’t hoping for something else.

It was Gon who broke the awkward silence.

“Um, well- we’re actually…” Gon rubbed the back of his neck, carefully avoiding eye contact with both Killua and the lady. “Yeah, uh- we’re not together…at least not exactly….”

He turned his focus back to Killua with a look that made Killua feel suddenly exposed. Gon’s eyes searched his face for something, brown staring into blue. Killua’s heart started picking up as Gon continued looking at him, almost conflicted. His lips parted and he took in a trembling breath.

“Killua, um… I-”

They both jumped at the sound of a loud gasp.

“Oh my, I shouldn’t have assumed!” the lady apologized. “I just overheard you two and it seemed like- well, it doesn't matter what it seemed like does it? Sorry, I’m just rambling now” She let out a quiet laugh and Killua couldn't help but smile fondly with her. He looked over at Gon who didn’t miss a beat to share that blinding smile of his. “Still, I feel like you two would make a wonderful couple.”

With that final comment, she waved them goodbye, unaware of the effect it had on both of them. Out of the corner of his eye, Killua noticed the blush growing on Gon’s face. He loved seeing that look.

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Their hands were full with bags of fruits and tiny pastries. Gon had insisted on trying something from every seller. Cheeses, berries, and even a veggie drink which Killua politely refused. Gon kept squirming next to him. Killua pretended not to notice because he knew that Gon’s stubbornness would just make him insist nothing was wrong. It was honestly just a matter of time. He counted down.

Three…

Two…

One…

“Killuaa, I can’t hold it anymore,” Gon kept squirming. “I need to go to the bathroom! I’ll be quick I swear! Here just-” he looked around until he spotted a small bench shaded underneath a large tree.

Perfect.

“There! I’ll meet up with you at that spot, okay? Uh so if you can…” He tried to give the bags he'd been holding one by one. But Killua was tired of seeing this suffering. He grabbed the bags all at once.

“Go now or face the risk of not making it to the toilet!” Killua nearly shouted as Gon sprinted in search of the nearest restroom.

He snickered.

He had warned Gon not to eat too many of those cheeses but he hadn’t listened. So here they were. Killua walked over to the bench and set down his bags.

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Thank god, the bathroom was empty or else who knows what might’ve happened. Gon felt better now as he walked through the market. He strolled over to the bench where Killua was waiting for him. It was easy to point out Killua, his bleached hair stood out from a mile away. The big tree came closer into view and so did the bench, so that meant Killua was…

Not there.

Huh.

That was certainly unexpected. It wasn't like Killua would just leave him right? Gon took out his phone to look at the time. He hadn’t taken that long in the bathroom. Gon clicked on Killua’s contact. His thumb hovered over the call button when he suddenly heard a familiar laugh.

Bingo.

Killua was deep in conversation with a guy at one of the stands. Apparently, he was making jokes that were actually funny. Not just anyone could get Killua to laugh. But it was even harder to get Killua to laugh so hard he started crying. So far only Gon had been able to do that, it just goes to prove how close their relationship was.

Why then did that random guy feel like he could stand so close to Killua?

The way that stranger kept smiling at Killua and looking at his arms struggling to carry the heavy load of bags made a crease form on Gon’s forehead. He felt a knot growing in his stomach the longer he stood there just watching everything unfold. It didn’t feel right. The way the man leaned towards Killua every time he laughed, his hand growing suspiciously closer, all of it was just wrong.  

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Killua felt a weight drop around his shoulder. He froze. If this person didn’t remove their arm in three seconds, a fight was about to go down. It only took a quick glance to realize that it was Gon’s arm draped around his shoulder.

“Are you ready to go, Killua?”

Gon stood slightly crouched as he leaned down to whisper into his ear. It tickled and Killua fought the urge to squirm. His brain kept screaming what the fuck on a loop.

Gon was looking right at the guy who’d been helping Killua while he was gone. Well, more so flirting with him. He wasn’t oblivious after all, but if it meant getting some sweet discounts on his favorite chocolates, sure he’d play along. Gon kept looking at the guy with a clearly forced smile.

He hummed. “Let’s go back to your place, I think we’re done here.”

A normal statement. Any friend would say that of course. Yet Killua couldn’t help the little shiver that ran down his spine when Gon said it like that. As Killua paid the guy for the chocolates, full price unfortunately, he didn’t see the smirk of satisfaction that Gon had on his face.

“Okay all good, let’s go.”

For now, Killua wouldn’t say anything about the arm around his shoulder. Or the way Gon seemed to hug him closer because of it. He wouldn’t revel in the fact that this was all he wanted when it came to Sunday mornings now. Maybe when they got to the car, they’d have to put space between them again but for now, he’d silently enjoy this.

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Everything was a mess.

The kitchen table was splattered with cake batter and Killua’s hands were covered in flour. Gon had always warned him about being a horrible cook but that still didn’t prepare him for this.

Gon shrieked. “Oh no, it’s bubbling!” A look of horror stuck on his face as he stared at the brownish green liquid in the pan.

And true to his word–the thing was in fact bubbling.

“I’m just amazed you got it to bubble three times, it’s like your own little monster now”

“It’s such a waste though Killua! I keep on messing it up…” Gon pouted. An idea suddenly came to him. “Dare me to taste it?” He had already stuck a finger into the gloopy mixture.

Before he could bring it to his mouth, Killua flicked him on the forehead. Gon yelped.

He rubbed at his forehead and dramatically winced in pain.  “I wasn’t actually gonna do it y’know…”

“I’ve seen you eat weirder stuff before. You most definitely would’ve eaten it.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” Gon laughed. He kept rubbing at the place Killua had flicked him.

Killua began feeling a little guilty. He hadn’t flicked him that hard, had he?

Only one way to check.

Killua brought his hand up and moved Gon’s hand away from his forehead. With his opposite hand, Killua began passing his thumb over the small red spot. Guess, he sorta did leave a mark. He pressed down a little on the mark. Gon’s face showed no reaction to it, instead he was staring at Killua with wide eyes and a small blush.

Maybe the oven heat had gotten to him.

He stood up from his chair to open another window. Gon looked down at his hand which just moments ago was being held by Killua’s.

“Okay, let’s just call those last few ‘test batches’ then,” Killua announced from the living room. He slammed his hands down on the kitchen table, finally grabbing Gon’s attention again. Killua had a smirk on his face. “Time to bake the real thing.”

It took another hour to get the batter just right after they ended up throwing flour at each other every time either of them messed up. The cake was slowly rising in the oven as Gon and Killua stood there covered in white dust.

“No fair! I look way messier than you, the flour literally blends in with your hair.” Gon complained. He saw his own reflection in the oven window and the flour just looked like dandruff on his head. Killua snickered as he shook out his hair.

“Not my fault that my hair is just cooler than yours,” Killua bragged. He grabbed a napkin and ran it a few seconds under the faucet.

Gon was back to sitting down as he kept combing a hand through his hair in an attempt to get all the flour out. Killua sighed with fondness at the sight. The afternoon light had filtered into his apartment through the open blinds casting a warm glow in the kitchen.

“Hey, look up for a second''

Killua almost didn’t recognize his own voice as it came out gentle and quiet. Gon turned his face upwards and that’s when he saw the wet napkin. A small laugh escaped him.

“You gonna clean me up, Killua?” The corners of his eyes creased as he smiled. Something in Killua’s chest swelled at the sight of it.

“Duh, you’re literally covered in flour. Now close your eyes.”

Gon hummed. 

“Kay’, whatever Killua wants.” 

Even with his eyes closed, he continued smiling. The affection with which Killua looked at him would remain a secret for now.

Killua brought the napkin up to Gon’s face and started slowly wiping off his forehead. He noticed the white flecks Gon hadn’t managed to completely shake out his hair. Without thinking, he brought a hand up and combed it through the brown strands. His hair felt surprisingly soft between his fingers. Killua got so lost in the feeling of Gon’s hair that he forgot why he had been combing through it in the first place.

Oh right.

Flour.

He gave a final ruffle to Gon’s hair and cleared his throat. “That was- you had lots of flour still in your hair. I got it all out now, you’re welcome.” Killua grimaced at his own words. God, he could be so awkward sometimes.

“B-But don’t open your eyes yet! I, um- still have to do the rest of your face”

Afraid of saying another stupid thing, Killua folded the napkin in half before continuing to wipe the sides of Gon’s face. Passing over the bridge of his nose, Killua finally got to admire up close the tiny freckles scattered all across. His hand slid down his jawline all the way to his chin. Gon’s eyelashes were long as they brushed his cheek. The afternoon light from the window left him glowing in a warm halo. Killua hadn’t realized that his hand had remained on Gon’s chin or the fact that he was lifting it up. Their faces were only inches away from each other as Killua was hypnotized at memorizing every feature of Gon’s face. It wasn’t until he saw Gon’s eyelashes flutter that he realized how close they were.

As if burned, Killua dropped his hand and took a full step back. 

That was close. 

Way too close. 

His heart was still beating erratically by the time Gon fully opened his eyes. For a moment, his eyes were still lidded and unfocused. When he looked at the new space between them, Gon seemed to snap back. An unreadable expression.

Oh.

The oven timer went off as they stood there awkwardly looking at each other. Neither one of them was willing to say anything about whatever happened. Or was about to happen.

Killua laughed nervously. “Let’s see how the cake turned out this time! Fingers crossed, right?” It gave him an excuse to turn away from Gon as he walked over to open the oven. The delicious waft of chocolate cake calmed his nerves. Partly.

Gon walked over to take a look for himself. The sight of a perfectly baked chocolate cake made a small smile appear on his face. “Our hard work didn't go to waste at least” Gon joked but there was something strange in his tone. Killua also realized the larger gap than usual between them as they stood next to each other peering inside the oven. He was about to spiral down a list of stretched conclusions before feeling a playful punch on his arm. Gon was smiling at him once again in that way that never failed to make him feel infinitely better.

“Time to decorate it! Right, Killua?” He looked at Killua expectantly.

“Let’s finish this,” Killua declared.

The cake turned out to be a success. They had covered it in strawberry frosting made from scratch. It was a pretty pink pastel tone that was soon topped with rainbow sprinkles and a few slices of fresh cut strawberries. The words “Happy Birthday!!!” stood out in the center with little smiling and frowning faces surrounding it. Those faces were the same ones the twins wore on the beads in their hair.

Gon and Killua cheered and high-fived as they started snapping pictures of it to commemorate this victory.

In the excitement of it all, Gon wrapped his arm around Killua’s torso, angling his arm high above his head, ready to take a shot of both of them next to the cake. He suddenly remembered the way Killua put space between them when they were about to…

Right.

Just as Gon was about to apologize and let go of Killua, a soft weight pressed on his shoulder. Strands of silver hair tickled Gon’s face as Killua leaned his head on Gon’s shoulder. The soft smile on Killua’s face and the way he closed his eyes was all too beautiful.

Gon wondered if Killua knew just how much he cared. Every time they had moments like this, it was so hard for him to simply stand there and keep down words of affection that only scratched the surface of what Killua meant to him.

Instead, he tapped his screen.

A click.

The moment could remain forever at least in his camera roll.

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Killua stared at his phone screen. His thumb hovered over the send button. It was the third time he’d rewrote the text. Ever since the last time they’d hung out, Killua felt hesitant to ask Gon to come over again.

He thought back to the way Gon’s face felt under his hand.

The way the light hit his face just right. How his breathing came out in little puffs as Killua got closer to his face…

He slapped a hand over his face.

Whatever image just popped into his mind had to stay out. This was exactly why he couldn't send the text. What if he did something else that made Gon uncomfortable?

A million thoughts of what-ifs ran through Killua’s head that he almost didn’t notice the text notification that popped up on his phone.

G: Movie night at 6? I’ll bring snacks :3

He didn’t even need to think about it.

K: Better bring some amazing snacks or else imma kick you out >:)

G: You wouldn’t dare

K: Guess you’ll just have to wait and see then, see ya at 6

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They ended up picking a horror movie. The amount of jumpscares in this particular movie made both of them jump and end up scattering popcorn all over the couch. Killua’s eyes were wide as the character on screen went to explore the obviously haunted room. Gon was doing no better as he gripped the blanket he’d wrapped around the both of them. The guttural scream that came from the TV made him end up yanking the entire thing off of Killua.

Killua took it as a time to get up and stretch after having sat still for an entire hour. The amount of snacks he’d been eating also called for a bathroom break. Gon paused the movie as he went to the kitchen to grab some drinks.

By the time Killua got back, Gon was standing in the center of the living room with two bottles in his hand.

“Look what I found in your fridge…” he shook the cans of beer and grinned.

“Yeah sure, why not?” Killua shrugged. He didn’t really drink that often but he needed something to relax after going through the hell of watching that movie. He’d only really picked it because he was hoping to have an excuse for sitting close to Gon. The moment Gon had wrapped the both of them in a blanket made it worth it.

Almost.

He was sure he was going to have nightmares tonight.

Gon threw himself on the couch as he popped open the can. He held out the other drink towards Killua.

Killua thanked him and took it from his hand. He sat on the edge of the couch as he snapped the tab off and took a big gulp. He grimaced as it went down his throat, the flavor was something he never really liked.

Gon took out his phone and started scrolling through his camera roll. He stopped at one particular video and motioned for Killua to come closer. The video he showed him was one of him pushing Zushi through an empty parking lot. Zushi was screaming bloody murder as he gripped the tiny metal cart he was seated in. All while Gon’s laughter boomed in the background.

Killua lost track of time while they scrolled through each other's camera rolls. He started laughing so hard at one point that his stomach hurt. He glanced up at the clock which read 11:00 p.m. The small coffee table was littered with candy wrappers and a decent number of beer cans.  

Oh fuck, he forgot that Gon was a lightweight.

He stared at Gon who was still laughing, but his movements had become much more sloppy. Killua couldn’t let this idiot drive back home in this state. Besides, Gon’s eyes were already heavy with sleep.

“Gon, hey, Gon,” Killua poked at his cheek.

“Hmmm…” Gon merely mumbled. He swatted away Killua’s hand.

“You can’t drive back like this, y’know?” Killua sighed and combed a hand through his silver bangs. He took out his phone ready to order a car for him but Gon interrupted him.

“Killuaaa…. Can’t I just stay here tonight?” Gon whined and looked up at him with eyes that could only be described as pleading. He started giggling as he pointed out, “It’ll be like a sleepover!”

“You’re such an idiot, did you know that?” Killua scoffed with a dumb smile on his face.

He had to admit though, it did make sense. It’d be much better to just let Gon stay over than spend the night worrying if he got home safe.

“I mean sure, if you’re cool with staying over,” Killua said as casually as he could, “you can sleep in my room or something. Oh and don’t worry, I’ll take the couch.”

Gon felt a little disappointed at that final comment but he still nodded in agreement.

“Hey Killua, do you have anything I can sleep in?”

Killua looked him up and down, raising an eyebrow. “You can’t just sleep in that?”

Gon groaned. “I’m wearing jeans…I hate sleeping in jeans.” His fingers began fidgeting with his belt buckle and all alarms went off in Killua’s head. In an instant, he swatted away Gon’s hand.

“Don’t you dare.” Killua warned.

“Give me something comfy then,” Gon whined.

“Okay, fine, just wait here.” Killua started heading towards his room before shooting back a final glare at Gon. “And please don’t do anything weird while I’m gone.”

In other words, please keep your pants on, Killua’s brain added.

A few moments later, Killua reappeared in the living room holding an old gray hoodie and matching sweats. He tossed them to Gon, forgetting the fact that his friend’s reflexes were significantly slower than usual. The clothes pathetically fell on the floor. Gon didn’t seem to care though as he smiled brightly at the sight of Killua’s old gym clothes.

Killua made sure they were clean though. He did a sniff check and everything.

“Awww, thank you!” Gon hugged the clothes as if they were a gift on Christmas day.

“Yeah, yeah don’t get too excited about it” Killua joked.

As Gon went to his room to change, Killua began preparing his own bed for the night. He stared long and hard at the couch. The issue wasn’t that the cushions were uncomfortable or anything like that. It was the crumbs of popcorn that were scattered all over and had found their way in the crevices.

Great, just what he needed.

Cleaning at midnight.

He dropped on his knees and began removing the cushions one by one. Maybe he could just sleep on the floor or something. It probably wouldn’t be so bad, right?

“KILLUA!”

Why’s he shouting so loudly? Acting as if he just saw a ghost… Killua muttered under his breath.

Wait.

There wasn’t anything embarrassing in his room right? He willed himself to remember what he had left on his night table. Water bottle, book, phone charger, bracelet-

Bracelet.

The bracelet.

The one Killua had carefully kept for all these days now. Sure, the daisies were shriveled up and dead now but it felt wrong to throw it out. He cringed as he thought about how weird it all sounded now. Gon was probably staring at it in disbelief.

Killua entered the room, mind searching for a good excuse that would explain why exactly he was keeping a shriveled flower bracelet.

Instead of coming face to face with a confused Gon, Killua encountered a frightened one. Gon was sitting up on his bed with the light still on. His eyes were wide as he stared at Killua’s closet. As soon as Killua entered the room, Gon leaped across the bed towards him.

“Killua! I swear, there was something in your closet! It was staring and so I turned on the light but…” Gon continued rambling but all Killua felt was a surge of relief.

Thank god, it had only been Gon’s drunken hallucinations and not the other thing.

Killua walked over to the edge of his bed and fell backwards. His back hit the mattress as he laid with his arms spread wide.

“It was just you imagining stuff, I’d blame that movie,” Killua mumbled with his eyes closed. The comfort of his room and his bed made him feel so relaxed. He hadn’t realized how tired he actually was. Killua opened his eyes and saw Gon peering down at him.

A frown was still etched on Gon’s face as he glanced back at the dark closet. It seemed Killua’s words had done little to convince him.

“Want me to protect you from the evil ghosts?” Killua teased. “Guess I’ll just have to stay here and keep a lookout” He had only been joking but the way Gon started smiling made him realize, Gon didn’t take it that way.

“You’re amazing Killua!” Gon scooted over to the far side of his bed closest to the wall. He patted at the new empty space next to him and lifted the blanket up.

Killua walked right into this one.

He couldn’t deny the fact that he did feel really tired. And his other “bed” was still a work-in-progress as it was currently covered in crumbs. It would just be much more convenient.

Okay, and maybe there was also a quieter part of him that felt a nervous excitement at the possibility of sleeping next to Gon.

As he laid down on his pillow, he was careful not to cross a boundary. Instead, Killua chose to lay stiff on his back, eyes planted on the ceiling. His hands tingled as he realized how close it was to Gon’s. It would only take a slight movement for their arms to brush together.

Killua turned on his side to turn off the lamp. The room went dark, except for the small beams of streetlight that managed to enter through his blinds. As soon as he lay flat again, Gon reached over to fully cover him with the blanket.

Killua expected it to simply end there.

Instead, Gon continued to wrap an arm around Killua as he rested his head near his shoulder.

A soft smile on his face as he snuggled closer to Killua. He hummed.

“S’okay?”

Killua was quiet. Gon’s body laid so close to his in this position. A comfortable warmth radiated off of him. Killua felt his heart racing in his chest. In the quiet of his room, he wondered if Gon could hear it as well. Had this been any other person, Killua would have shoved them off by now. But then again, he never had wanted to be like this with anyone else. No one else could make him feel the way he did whenever he was spending time with Gon. That comfort, that ease, that safety.

That feeling which had only grown from the day he’d first met him.

Killua was still laying stiff on his back. He wanted to hug Gon even closer to him. He always wondered how Gon would react if he interlocked their fingers together. Gon always complimented Killua but barely received any in return. It wasn’t that he didn’t have anything to compliment.

That definitely wasn’t it.

Gon always looked so beautiful. From the first time they’d bumped into each other, that was one of the first things he noticed. His laugh, the way his eyes crinkled every time he smiled, the dimples on cheeks. It was all so beautiful. Killua wanted to tell him so many things.

Was he allowed these sorts of things now?

He held his breath, while he turned as subtly as he could on his side. Killua was face to face with Gon now. Gon’s eyes were closed as he slowly breathed in and out.

He’d fallen asleep.

Killua’s heart swelled at the sight. Careful not to awaken him, Killua wrapped his arm around Gon. Even asleep, Gon smiled softly. He mumbled something that sounded like Killua’s name.

It made something in Killua’s chest ache. His eyes felt heavy as he continued looking at Gon with a look that was unbearably soft. Before realizing it, Killua drifted off to sleep.

←♡→ ←♡→ ←♡→ ←♡→ ←♡→ ←♡→ ←♡→ ←♡→

He didn’t want to open his eyes. Everything felt so nice and warm. There was a comfortable weight around his body that held him securely. Even with his eyes closed, Gon could smell the scent of fresh laundry detergent and Killua’s shampoo. He wanted to stay in this blissful state forever. As his head rested against Killua’s chest, he could hear the steady pace of his heart and the constant way his chest rose and fell.

Slowly, Gon opened his eyes and blinked blearily. He sucked in a quiet breath as he came face to face with the sight of Killua sleeping. It was the first time he had seen Killua so peaceful. Gon tenderly brushed the silver bangs from his forehead.

Killua stirred. His eyelashes fluttered as everything slowly came into focus. In that space between being fully conscious and half-asleep, a sleepy smile took over his face.

“Gon,” he sighed.

The way Killua said his name made Gon’s heart flip. Gon continued combing a hand through the soft strands of silver hair and couldn’t help the way he gazed at Killua as if he were the only thing that mattered in the world.

The realization of what day it was, hit Gon over the head like a brick. How could he forget?

Today was….

“Killua…” Gon whispered quietly, afraid that if he spoke too loudly he’d break this morning spell.

Killua hummed back in response.

Gon paused for a second before saying the few words he’d planned on announcing in a better fashion. But when he took in the way their bodies were perfectly slotted against one another, he came to the conclusion that this was better than anything he would’ve planned anyway.

“Will you be my valentine?”

Killua’s eyes flew wide open. He was met with brown eyes shimmering in the morning light. A blush immediately warmed his face at the way Gon kept staring at him so tenderly.

“It’s Valentine's Day today?” Killua asked dumbfounded. Internally, he cringed as he realized how rough that sounded. God, he could be so awkward sometimes. Gon merely laughed softly while giving a quiet nod. Killua felt his heart melt all over again.

He looked down at their arms which were mere inches from each other.

“So, what do you say?” Gon asked again, bringing his eyes back to gaze into that deep blue color he had come to love.

Killua grabbed Gon’s hand and interlocked their fingers. They slotted perfectly against one another. Gon blushed at the sight of it.

Killua gave his hand a slight squeeze before breaking out into the most amazing smile Gon had ever seen. He wanted to kiss that smile right off his face.

“I say…you should’ve asked me sooner,” Killua nearly whispered. His eyes were unfocused as they stared at something other than Gon’s eyes.

Oh.

Gon’s breath hitched while Killua continued looking at his lips in a way that left Gon wondering if he was dreaming. He could hear his heart beat loudly in his chest as he slowly brought his face closer to the one and only person he would blindly follow to the ends of the Earth if he simply asked. A tan hand cupped Killua’s jaw and as Gon smoothed his thumb across his cheek, Killua’s eyes fluttered shut. The morning light that seeped in the room enveloped Killua in a halo that left Gon even more breathless.

“You’re so beautiful,” Gon whispered before finally closing the gap between them.

His lips pressed softly against Killua’s, who had hooked his arms around his neck. He swore he could feel every nerve in his body respond to the way those fingers combed through his hair. The pressure of Killua’s lips against his made flowers bloom in his chest. The kiss only lasted a few seconds before Killua pulled back, face barely an inch away. He was smiling in a way that made Gon want to grab his face and kiss him all over again. But there’d be plenty of time for that later. Right now, he just wanted to bask in this moment.

How lucky was he that he’d fallen for his best friend? And the fact his best friend felt the same?

Gon’s smile was blinding.

“Happy Valentine's Day, Gon,” Killua murmured softly in a voice that was full of adoration.

“Happy Valentine's Day, Killua,” Gon breathed. His smile hadn’t faded one bit.  

Ah.

One more important detail.

“Don’t worry Killua, I’ll bring you the best flowers you’ve ever seen in your life!”

He glanced over at the night table.

“Even better than the flower bracelet I made for you,” he teased with a wink.

“So you did notice it?!” Killua shrieked.

Gon simply laughed. “How could I not? That’s so sweet Killua, you really liked it that much!”

Killua pulled the blanket over his head. As Gon tried prying it from his grip, Killua let out a laugh that made Gon’s heart swell. He was completely whipped for his best friend.

“You’re such an idiot,” Killua finally let out.

“Maybe, but now I’m your idiot–officially,” Gon shot back. That statement made Killua finally loosen his grip on the blanket to look at his best friend. His cheeks had become sore from smiling so damn much, but he couldn’t care less.

“Oh yeah?” Killua raised an eyebrow at Gon, with a smile that had gotten impossibly wider.

“Prove it.”

Gon didn’t hesitate a second before surging forward to kiss that ridiculously beautiful smile right off his face.

[crockettmarcel]

day 27 - wind

suicide tw

Sarah hasn’t been up to the terrace on the tenth floor for almost a year, not since Jason jumped. 

But she’s there now, just a few feet from the edge, staring across at the city as she imagines Jason did. She thinks about him a lot, even though everyone else seems to have moved on. She thinks about his life, about how he had so much potential as a doctor, and how if someone had noticed he was drowning, maybe he’d still be here. That thought haunts her.

 Most of all though, she wonders what his last moments were like. Did he look out at Chicago one last time the way she’s doing now? Or did he step off without a second thought? She thinks - hopes - he was at peace as he fell, but she can’t be sure, and it’s the not knowing that eats away at her.

There’s a strong wind up there, bitter like on the day Jason died, and it bites at her face until her cheeks are numb and she can’t move her mouth. Her hands are shoved in her pockets, and she knows without looking that her nails will be blue by now. 

Even so, she stays out, and moves closer to the edge, to the little wall stopping her from falling a hundred feet to her death on the concrete below. It would be so easy, she thinks, and suddenly she’s balancing on the wall, tears streaming down her face from the cold and her heart pounding at the thought of what could happen.

Her toes are hanging over the edge when her pager goes off, and she almost loses her footing at the sudden noise. She remembers Jason, or what she saw of him, the blood pooled under the sheet and splattered on the sidewalk, and wonders if that would ever be her.

Someday, maybe, but not today. She climbs back over the wall, planting her feet firmly on the ground, then looks around to check if anyone saw. The conference room is empty, and there’s no one by the elevators. It’s just her up there, alone as the wind blows her hair around her face and stings her cheeks, and she wants to cry at how much everything hurts.

She doesn’t though, can’t. Instead, she goes back down to the ED, to a job she doesn’t feel anything for anymore, to treat patients who are worse off than her, who actually need help. Later, she’ll go home with Ava, and while they’re eating takeout in front of the TV, she’ll fail to mention that she almost followed in Jason’s footsteps, that this was the closest she’s ever got. She’ll laugh at Ava’s jokes, and hold her while she sleeps, and never let on that the ache in her chest is so deep it feels like it’s splitting her in two.

Maybe it would have been easier if she’d jumped.

[yokasaris]

Shape of Pain- Zhan’a

Ghosts Your pain takes the shape of ghosts, haunting you, always there. No one would believe you if you told them, or understand even if they did. You don't know how to make them go away, or what they want. They just follow you, casting shadows over all you do, being your fears and the embodiment of all you've lost or are afraid of losing. They can't touch you though... Can they? Quiz over here. tagged by: @red-dawnbringer tagging: @alun-ura (you said MORE MEMS?), @anchor-management, @roleplay-aficionado, @fair-fae, @thorcatte, and anyone that it hasn’t come around to yet~

[histarean]

hey it's been awhile since i've actually said anything on this account! as you can see i have mostly abandoned it besides being a rb/ghost. i do sincerely miss the community and everyone who supported me, however, i got too busy to write and that's the main thing people on tumblr are looking for. if it's interesting to anyone, i'm a lot more active on my twitter @novwrites and even though it's not as much writing material, i have a ton of fun over there. i would love love love to stay in contact with any mutuals or followers through here or twitter! sorry i disappeared so randomly and i never really did explain myself. i am really hoping to get back into writing, if not fics then more drabbles and headcanons but there is no promising that. anyways, i'm not leaving or anything i just thought it was high time to explain myself. blowing kisses to all of you <33

[novembermoonss]

Chapters: 5/5 Fandom: Hunter X Hunter Rating: General Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Gon Freecs/Killua Zoldyck Characters: Gon Freecs, Killua Zoldyck Additional Tags: Friends to Lovers, Mutual Pining, Domestic Fluff, Teasing, Attempt at Humor, Flirting, gon is sorta a bad flirter ngl, oblivious idiots, Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, dates? hangouts? they're not sure, POV Alternating, Valentine's Day, Valentine's Day Fic Exchange Summary:

“What a cute couple!” she cooed. “How long have you both been together?”

An innocent question.

Really, it wasn’t in the slightest bit scandalous.

That is, if he were actually dating the guy.

But he wasn’t.

He couldn’t call Gon his boyfriend. Killua hadn’t been asked to become his.

But it wasn’t like he was secretly wishing for it. Sure, he might feel a nervous excitement when he caught Gon staring at him like he was something amazing. Or when Gon stood a little closer to him despite the empty space around them. Or even now, teasing each other in that way which made Killua wonder how it would be if they were actually–

Wait.

Not going there.

Nope he definitely wasn’t hoping for something else.

It was Gon who broke the awkward silence.

“Um, well- we’re actually…” Gon rubbed the back of his neck, carefully avoiding eye contact with both Killua and the lady. “Yeah, uh- we’re not together…at least not exactly….”

←♡→

((Best friends can say anything to each other, right? Well everything, except an important detail. Or an important feeling. A story of two oblivious best friends and who will be the one to confess first.))

[novembermoonss]

Cherry Wine (wip :3)

Wine was much better than beer. 

Maybe he’d already gotten sick of frat parties without even realizing it because this particular party felt much more nice. No sweaty bodies bumping into him or random arm wrestling matches going on in the corner or other kinds of activities going on in the corner. Having a medical student as a friend did have its benefits. Not like he would ever tell Leorio that, he’d never hear the end of it if he did.

Killua continued swirling the wine around in his glass, trying his best to look mysterious and alluring. Alluring, what a funny word. He definitely wanted to be known as the alluring type, or the funny type, or the damn-i-wish-he-looked-my-way type. Speaking of types, there was one particular person that definitely fit into that category. They kept talking to everyone they passed by, smiling so brightly that whoever was in conversation with them would blush slightly from all the attention. It seemed like just their aura was enough to lighten the moods of anyone who grabbed their attention, and by anyone, that meant everyone. Including Killua because he had just made direct eye contact with them and—oh. They were walking over. Was it just him or did it get a little hotter in the room? He could’ve sworn it was cool just a second ago, but then why was he feeling a warmth spread across his cheeks? Maybe a quick sip of his wine would help cool him down. Yeah, that definitely would do the trick. It seems he forgot what a “sip” meant because in just a matter of seconds he found that he had chugged the rest of his glass.

Damn, he was definitely feeling a little more than tipsy now.

He ran a hand through his hair in an attempt to comb back his bangs which were starting to annoy him because it didn’t let him get a good look around for—wait. Where did they go? Weren’t they just headed towards him a second ago? Was it the wine chugging? Yeah, it had to be the wine chugging. He wanted to sigh. A night full of being mysterious gone to waste for the one particular person he felt an actual interest in. Or was it his outfit that looked funny? He glanced down at his clothes. No… that couldn’t be it. Even Kurapika had approved of his outfit for today, and that was saying a lot. If this night was going to get any better after having missed his chance, it meant getting another drink. And maybe some more deserts. It wasn’t like anyone here had noticed the two full plates he had eaten so far. Mind set on the desert table on the other side of the room, he didn’t realize the stranger that had suddenly approached him. At least not until he heard the soft chuckle that was followed with “Don’t worry about going over there, I brought some for the both of us.” Killua swung his head fast enough to catch the wink that the stranger shot at him along with the small upwards tilt of their mouth. If Killua didn’t know any better, he would think they were flirting. Flirting, huh? Well, not like he was opposed to it. Definitely not when the person who had approached him was no other than the individual who had caught his eye since the moment he entered the room. They were holding out a small plate of desserts and were still wearing that smile which Killua was now the sole focus of. Yep, he now clearly understood why those other people had blushed.

[novembermoonss]

gotta be in my top 3 fav scenes I've written so far. 

“So you came,” a teasing voice spoke beside him. He didn’t even need to turn his head to know who it was. Instead, Killua kept his eyes straight ahead, a tilted smile making its way on his face.

“Waiting for me?” Killua hummed. He couldn’t help but shiver at the black strands of hair tickling his neck, as that same voice, suddenly pitched lower, whispered, “All night.”

[crockettmarcel]

day 16 - nature

One of the things Crockett had missed the most in Chicago was having a garden. Growing up, he’d spent hours in the garden with his siblings, screaming and laughing as his brothers chased him with a water gun, or on quieter days, helping Jo, his older sister, tend to the flowers they’d so carefully grown from seeds.

There was a pool in his apartment building, and a gym, but no garden, so he’d had to make do with what he had. His balcony was a good size, and he’d filled it with so many plants he was sure it was going to fall down. It had started with just a couple of ferns, something to add a bit of green to the otherwise bleak view out of his window, but had quickly turned into something more. Within a few months he had a little herb garden, growing almost everything he needed to cook with, and a strawberry planter in one corner that he took care of the way his mother had taught him. The rest of the space was filled with an assortment of random plants - fuschias, roses, petunias, and a series of succulents that somehow kept dying despite everything he did.

The balcony was his happy place.

Then Lolly had been born, and he only had time for her. Every waking moment was spent feeding or rocking or changing her. He slept when she did, and if by some miracle she was awake and happy to just lie on his chest or in her crib, he’d spend that time making arrangements for his move back to New Orleans. 

There was almost no time left for his balcony, and it broke his heart watching it slowly die back, knowing he couldn’t do anything. He tried to water the plants when he could, and pruned them once or twice, but he didn’t have the hours to dedicate to them like he used to.

Their new house had a garden though - he’d made sure of it. It wasn’t as big as the one he’d grown up with, but it was enough. Lolly would be able to run and play as she got older, and there was space on the lawn for a swing set or a climbing frame, if she wanted one. He had plans for a new herb garden, bigger than the one on his balcony, and if all went well, he wanted to try his hand at growing vegetables as well. 

Once the two of them were settled, his mom and Jo came round to help with the garden. It took them a couple of afternoons, but he couldn’t have been happier with the results, and he sent both of them wine and a tin of homemade beignets as a thank you.

From then on, whenever he had free time, he’d take Lolly out to the garden with him so she could watch as he planted and watered and tended an ever growing collection of herbs and vegetables. When she was still little, she’d lie on a blanket and play by herself while he gardened, but as she got bigger and learned to walk, she started wanting to help. He’d dress her up in her little sun hat and denim overalls, and the two of them would spend the day in the garden together.

There was nothing he enjoyed doing more, and every time she’d toddle over to him and produce an assortment of herbs from her pocket, his heart would swell with pride. 

     “Good job, darlin’,” he’d tell her, and the smile and giggles that followed were his favourite things in the world. Olivia was perfect, and he couldn’t imagine life without her.

[crockettmarcel]

day 11 - warm

It was freezing out, the coldest day of the year so far according to the app on Ava’s phone, and she had no problem believing it. The walk from the hospital to her car wasn’t a long one, but by the time she’d sat down and put her seatbelt on, her fingers were numb. Sarah had told her to take gloves, but she was stubborn and had refused. She was paying for it now though, as she alternated between rubbing her hands together and holding them in front of one of the vents to try and get some feeling back.

They’d warmed up after a couple of minutes, and Ava began the short drive back home. The sky was darker than it had been even an hour ago, and heavy in the way that said snow was coming. She hoped it would be during the night, because neither she nor Sarah had work in the morning, and a day spent building snowmen in the park and drinking hot chocolate in bed was exactly what they both needed right now.

Their apartment was on the second floor, at the front of the block, and as Ava walked from her car to the door of the building, she could see Sarah’s silhouetted figure dancing in the kitchen. She hadn’t done much of that recently, not the way she used to, so seeing her looking like her old self was a good sign, and Ava couldn’t help the grin that spread across her face as she made her way upstairs.

Her keys were buried in the bottom of her bag, as they so often were, and she struggled for a minute or so trying to find them before the door opened in front of her. Sarah was standing there in leggings and one of Ava’s baggy sweatshirts, her curls pulled up in a messy topknot, and she looked more at peace than she had for a long time.

     “I saw you pull up outside,” Sarah explained, before taking Ava’s coat and bag from her and placing a gentle kiss on her cheek.

Ava nodded and returned the kiss, then allowed Sarah to lead her through to the kitchen. The whole apartment smelled of garlic, and something else Ava couldn’t quite put her finger on, and Carly Rae Jepsen was playing from the speaker on the countertop. It was unlike Sarah to be listening to something this upbeat, but with the way things were at the moment, she was doing whatever she could to bring her mood up. If that meant listening to LA Hallucinations on repeat while she chopped potatoes, then that was what she was going to do.

Sarah had set out their meal on the kitchen table, instead of leaving it on the side so they could grab what they wanted and eat on the couch, and she’d even gone as far as to light some candles and open a bottle of red wine. (Technically she wasn’t supposed to drink with her antidepressants, but if they hadn’t stopped her from chugging half a bottle of vodka when she was seventeen, she wasn’t going to let them stop her from enjoying a glass of wine with her girlfriend at twenty-seven.)

Everything looked perfect, and Ava snaked her arms around Sarah’s waist as she told her exactly that. 

She’d started cooking properly during her suspension, and now that she was on medical leave she had even more time to indulge in her new hobby. It was relaxing (despite the meltdowns she’d had the few times things had gone wrong), and it managed to ground her more than any of the techniques she’d learnt in therapy. The repetitive motions - stirring a pot, dicing vegetables, sieving flour - were what helped most when she was stressed, and by the end, she had something to show for it.

     “I hope you like it. I found the recipe online, so I’m not sure if it will be okay, but-”

     “Shh. It smells and looks wonderful, my love. You’ve done a great job.” She pressed a kiss to Sarah’s temple, then sat down and took a sip of her wine. 

The food did look good - rosemary and garlic butter steak, with crispy little roast potatoes and grilled vegetables - and Ava was so proud of Sarah for it. She’d come a long way in the last couple of months, in almost every sense, and even though she still had a way to go, things were looking up again.

They talked while they ate, Ava updating Sarah on all the hospital drama she was missing out on (although she managed to avoid repeating the things some of the nurses had been saying about the crazy psychiatrist), and Sarah telling Ava about her day. She didn’t do much, save for her cooking and some mindfulness Dr Charles had insisted she try, but she always seemed to have funny stories about their neighbours, who, Ava had to admit, were some of the weirdest people she knew.

Once they’d finished eating, Sarah grabbed two spoons and a pint of chocolate ice cream from the freezer, and the couple made their way over to the couch. They had a collection of blankets and throws, and as soon as they’d sat down, Ava pulled the fluffiest one on top of them and snuggled up to Sarah. 

Neither of them was sure how long they stayed like that, cozy and safe under the warmth of the blanket, sharing Sarah’s favourite ice cream between them, but it didn’t matter. The only thing that was important was the two of them holding each other, content to just be together as the snow started to fall outside their window.

[crockettmarcel]

day 22 - gift

Sarah had only signed up for the staff Secret Santa because of Maggie. She’d wanted to avoid it for this year, while she was still new and didn’t really know anyone, but Maggie had insisted that they do it together; if anything, it would help Sarah get to know at least one other member of staff.

It turned out to be Nat, a math teacher Sarah had only seen in passing, and Maggie was more than happy to help Sarah choose a gift for her (while remaining completely silent about who her own Secret Santa was.) Ava and April were the same - they both refused to reveal who they were buying for, claiming that it would “ruin the magic”, and it wouldn’t be secret if they told her.

     “You’re exempt, because you don’t know anyone and you need us to help you,” Ava had explained, and April simply nodded along in agreement.

All the gifts were left in a basket on one of the tables in the teachers’ lounge to be handed out on the last day, so a couple of days before that, Sarah had arrived earlier than usual to drop hers off without being seen. With Maggie’s advice, she’d chosen a scented candle simply named “Winter”, that cost more than any candle should, and a little bottle of what was, according to Maggie, Nat’s favourite champagne.

It was all wrapped up neatly in brown paper covered with tiny Christmas trees, a feat that had taken Sarah well over an hour to achieve. Every other year before now, she’d managed to wrap each gift in just under five minutes, but Olivia was one now, and constantly wanted to see what her mom was doing; she’d grab and pull at all the paper, and put bow after bow in her mouth, no matter how many times Sarah took them off her. 

In the end, Sarah had decided to wait until Olivia was asleep, but by that point she was willing to shove the presents in a little gift bag with some shredded tissue paper and call it a day. That felt wrong though, so she’d forced herself to wrap the gifts the way she wanted to originally, with the promise of an early night once she was done.

On the day of the gift exchange, most of the staff had gathered in the teachers’ lounge after school - not just those who’d participated, but others who wanted to come along for the fun of it. Jimmy was standing on a table, looking like a completely different person in an ugly light-up sweater instead of a suit as he announced each person’s name, and a couple of people managed to get pictures before he noticed.

Nat seemed to like her gift, which was a big weight off Sarah’s shoulders, and she thanked Maggie for her help. Ava unwrapped a wicker basket filled with bottles of hot sauce, and Sarah wasn’t sure she’d ever seen her this happy. It wasn’t what she’d expected from her, but she had to remind herself that despite their near-constant flirting, they didn’t know all that much about each other.

Sarah was one of the last people to get her gift, and was so distracted by Ava and her hot sauce that it took her a moment to register Jimmy calling her name for the third time.

She didn’t hesitate opening her present, and she could feel Ava’s eyes on her as she peeled back the wrapping paper to reveal a pair of suspenders and a bow tie. They were both dark green, the suspenders not too different from a pair she already owned (and loved), and the bow tie was covered in tiny white chromosomes. 

They were perfect, and she told Ava this as she tried to separate the bow tie from the cardboard it was attached to.

People started filing out of the room once everyone had their gifts, and Ava followed Sarah back to her class, as she so often did after school. It had become their little routine by now - fifteen minutes (sometimes more) spent in one of their rooms at the end of the day, catching up over coffee before they went their separate ways.

The last day was no exception, and Ava was almost giddy as she perched herself on one of the front row desks. This was the last time they had together until school came back, unless one of them was brave enough to invite the other somewhere, and Ava wanted to make the most of it.

     “Are you going to try it on?” She motioned towards the bow tie that had been set down on Sarah’s desk, and the other teacher nodded.

     “I can help, if you want?”

It was a pre-tied bow tie, one that Sarah could put on with her eyes shut, but she somehow found herself saying yes, and handing it to Ava.

What came next was something she didn’t think she’d ever be prepared for.

She was leaning on the very edge of her desk, her legs slightly apart, and within seconds Ava was standing between them, closer than she ever had been before. Sarah’s breath caught in her throat as Ava lifted the collar of her shirt and removed her Christmas bow tie, carefully setting it down on the desk to Sarah’s left before bringing the new one up to her neck.

     “This really suits your skin tone,” she told her as she fiddled with the clasp at the back. It was harder than she’d thought, doing it on someone else, but after a couple of attempts it finally seemed to have worked.

She pulled back, admiring her handiwork, then quickly reached forward to straighten the bow tie. Sarah’s cheeks were slightly flushed, an adorable rosy colour that made Ava want to lean in and kiss her, and it was all she could do not to. 

     “Does it look okay?”

     “It looks perfect,” Ava said with a smile. “Have a nice Christmas, Miss Reese.”

The use of her title instead of her first name caught Sarah off guard, and she tried to ignore the warmth pooling between her legs as she watched Ava leave. She wanted to believe that she knew what she was doing - getting close to her like that, fingers gently brushing her skin as she struggled with the clasp, then calling her Miss Reese in a tone she hadn’t heard for well over a year - but she couldn’t help thinking that Ava was just like that.

She wanted this to go somewhere, but she needed to know if Ava did as well.

[crockettmarcel]

day 24 - blue

It’s dark when Crockett and Nat finally get back to Med, and late enough that Lolly should be at home, having dinner. She isn’t though, Crockett notes as he allows himself to be led to a treatment room from the ambulance bay. Her little pink puffer jacket is hanging on the back of a chair by the computers, and he knows Sarah would never take her outside without it, especially not in this weather.

He’s suddenly hyper-aware of his own coat, bright blue but stained red, just like his hands are, and he stops abruptly, letting Maggie walk on without him. The coat’s squeezing his lungs, making it harder for him to breathe, and he’s sure that it’s only a matter of seconds before his lips are the same shade as the fabric that’s killing him. 

     “Crockett?”

Maggie notices him, finally, and he can tell from her reaction that he’s not dying. Still, he can’t understand why his lungs have suddenly stopped working, and why every breath takes more effort than the last.

     “Too tight,” is all he manages to get out as he tugs at the zip. It won’t undo, and the more he tries, the more it seems to resist him.

     “Hey, you’re okay.” She moves closer to him, holding a hand out to offer her help. “Let me.”

He nods, and watches as she unzips the coat in one smooth motion, then pulls it off him just as easily.

     “Lolly, she- she’s little.” He gestures helplessly at the bloodstains, and Maggie nods.

     “I’ll find somewhere for it where she won’t see, okay?”

He thanks her as best he can when half of his mind is still trapped in the back of that van, then watches as she walks away and leaves him standing alone in the middle of the ED. There’s a room ready for him, and he can see Monique standing outside it, looking around for him, but he can’t get himself to move.

It feels like forever before Ethan appears in front of him, though logically he knows it’s been a minute at most, and it’s the safest he’s felt since Jim pulled a gun on him and Nat. Ethan’s eyes are red-rimmed, and just the thought of the man he loves crying because of him makes Crockett’s heart ache.

     “I didn’t know if I was going to see you again.” 

     “I’m here now.”

Ethan pulls Crockett towards him, one hand resting between his shoulder blades and the other on the back of his head, gently running his fingers through his hair. Crockett tries to resist - he can’t touch Ethan, not when his hands are still sticky with blood - but being this close to him feels more like home than anything else, and within seconds his head is in the crook of Ethan’s neck, and his hands are hovering just a few inches from his back. It’s as much as he can do, but it’s enough.

Neither of them wants to break the embrace, but eventually Ethan does, urging Crockett to go and get checked out. Monique’s still standing in the doorway of the treatment room, waiting expectantly, but she knows to give Crockett space. 

But he does as Ethan says, and makes his way over to the room. Monique tries to get him settled on the bed and hooked up to the monitors, but he just thanks her and tells her she can go. He’s fine - he knows he’s fine - but his hands are still dirty, and everything about the sensation of the dried blood is getting to him. 

There’s a little sink in the corner of the room, as there is in every treatment room, and he gets to work washing his hands, the same way he does before surgery. He doesn’t have a brush, so by the time he’s done there’s still blood caked under his nails, too difficult to remove without it, but he feels better, even with the way his shoulders don’t feel quite right.

     “Daddy!” A voice interrupts his thoughts, and he realises he’s been watching the water wash down the sink for at least a couple of minutes. It’s clear now, but last he remembers, it was still brown from the blood.

Lolly’s hovering by the open door, and as soon as Crockett sees her, his face breaks into a smile. He’s not sure how much she knows, if anything, so he simply picks her up and carries her over to the bed with him, wincing at the strain on his shoulders.

     “Lost?” She points to Jay, who’s waiting by the nurses’ station, and Crockett just smiles. She still remembers him from a couple of months ago when she went missing while they were Christmas shopping, so as far as she knows, Jay helps find people when they’re lost.

     “Daddy wasn’t lost. I just had to do a special surgery outside the hospital.”

She frowns. “But Jay?”

     “He’s just here because the person having the surgery was a bad guy, and it’s his job to make sure the bad guy doesn’t do any bad things, yeah? But everything’s okay, ma belle.”

This answer seems to satisfy her, so she turns her attention to the embroidery on Crockett’s scrubs, carefully running a finger over each letter. 

     “Doctor Daddy,” she announces with a smile.

     “Is that what that says?”

Her curls bounce up and down as she nods. “Yeah! Doctor Daddy.” 

She’s grinning up at him, the gap where she lost her first tooth somehow even cuter than it was that morning, and Crockett finds himself on the verge of tears. He hasn’t even been her dad for a year, but she was his first thought when he was shoved in the back of the van with a gun in his face. She was the thing that kept him going throughout all of it - he had to make it out for his baby. He wasn’t going to leave her and Sarah again, the way he had all those years ago. He couldn’t do that to them.

     “Hey sweetheart,” he says, his voice catching in his throat. “Why don’t you go and find Papa and get some food, yeah? It’s almost dinner time, and you’re probably gonna get pretty hungry soon if you don’t eat.”

     “Okay! Love you, Daddy.” She kisses his cheek then jumps down off the bed, barely waiting for a response before running off to find Ethan.

It’s only once Crockett’s sure she’s far enough away that he finally lets himself cry.

[crockettmarcel]

day 29 - clean

self harm tw !! like literally that’s what this entire thing is about

134 days. One hundred and thirty four. That was how long it had been since Sarah had last cut herself, according to the app on her phone. It was one of the hardest things she’d ever done - for years, she’d never been able to make it more than a month or two - but now here she was, four and a half months clean, and she wanted to feel good about it.

Ava had bought her a little cake when she’d hit two months, and another when she’d hit one hundred days, and both times they’d had a little celebration together. It wasn’t a big occasion - Ava didn’t want to make Sarah uncomfortable - but it was her way of showing how proud she was that Sarah had managed to come this far. Dr Charles had been proud too, when he’d found out, and only then had it hit Sarah that she’d never had a support system like this before. She had two people who cared about her more than anything, and who wanted her to succeed, as well as her other colleagues who she assumed would feel the same if they knew what she was going through, and it meant more to her than she could explain.

They were rooting for her, which is why she felt so bad knowing what she was about to do.

It had been a culmination of things that had brought her to this point - too many patients that reminded her of herself, a run-in with Lanik that had ended with her crying in the toilets, and the general feeling that she wasn’t making as much progress as she was supposed to be.

She might have been able to move past everything, to talk through it with her therapist at her next session, but instead she’d decided to take it upon herself to find a way to feel better. She used to run, back in med school, and she knew there was a pair of sneakers, good ones, hidden somewhere in the back of her closet. They weren’t difficult to find, but on the way she’d stumbled across a little lip balm tin, washed out and filled with blades, presumably put there so Ava wouldn’t find them and make her throw them out.

That was when the thoughts had come back. Knowing that she was feeling bad, and that there was something (now tucked away in her nightstand) that could make her feel better was overwhelming, and all she could think about for days.

Her skin was itching, and every time she looked down at her naked arms, she was overcome with a sick sort of excitement at the thought of what she could do to herself, when she finally had the opportunity.

That day finally came when Connor called in sick one night, and Ava had to go and fill in for him. Sarah had reassured her that she’d be fine - Ava still worried, even now - and although she felt bad for lying to her girlfriend’s face, she wasn’t sure how much longer she’d be able to control these urges. If it wasn’t  now, it would be the next day or the day after, when Ava was home and likely to wonder what Sarah was doing in the bathroom for half an hour.

No, it had to happen like this.

She tried to hold off as long as she could, but by the time she was sat on the edge of the bath with her sleeves pulled up, Ava had only been gone for half an hour. 

Her whole body was shaking, whether from the cold or the adrenaline she couldn’t tell, but she took her time inspecting the blade, pressing her fingers into the sharp corners just long enough to leave little red marks that would fade within minutes. She did this a few times, on each of her fingertips, before finally holding the sharp edge of the blade against her forearm. All it would take was one swift movement.

She hesitated, taking a shaky breath as she considered if she really wanted this. It was all she’d thought about for days, but once she started, she wasn’t sure how long it would be before she could stop.

You think too much, a voice in her head told her, and then suddenly 134 was back down to 0, and she wasn’t sure how she was going to explain any of this.

[crockettmarcel]

day 13 - parenting

It was almost nine am when Sarah finally appeared in the living room, her hair still messy from sleep, and mascara from the day before smudged under her eyes. She’d been too tired to take it off before she fell asleep, but didn’t really feel any better now, and she couldn’t help wishing she was still in bed.

Ethan was on one of the couches with Harper in his arms, and Sarah mumbled out a soft hello to the two of them before curling up on the armchair in the corner. There was a blanket folded on one of the arms, and despite how warm it already was, she pulled it over herself and closed her eyes, hoping she’d be able to get back to sleep.

A few minutes passed in silence, broken only occasionally by Harper’s gentle cooing, before Crockett came in carrying Willow and a bag of milk for her. This was enough to get Sarah’s attention, and she watched the two of them as Crockett carefully attached the bag to the end of Willow’s NG tube. 

After a consultation with Connor and Dr Grant where it had become apparent that she wasn’t gaining anywhere near as much weight as she should be, the family had decided that the tube was the best way forward. It was only temporary, until she had her surgery at six months, but without it, she was burning too many calories trying to feed, and the effort she put in often meant she wasn’t getting enough oxygen. Before the tube, it had become a regular occurrence for her to lose consciousness after a feed, and although her parents were constantly expecting it, it never got any less scary. 

They’d all become experts with the NG tube now, more so than their colleagues, and Sarah couldn’t help but admire the way Crockett set everything up so effortlessly. He was a good father, Ethan too, and it was obvious how much they both loved their daughters. Sarah couldn’t think of anyone else she’d rather be doing this with, and as Crockett did one final check of the tube, she let her mind wander to the memories they’d made together over the last few years.

     “Do you want to feed her?”

She was dragged out of her thoughts by Ethan’s voice, and it took her a moment to register what he was asking. 

     “What?”

     “Harper. I can do it if you want, but-”

     “No, that’s okay.” She held her arms out for the baby, smiling as she was reunited with her daughter for the first time since the night before.

     “Hey there, angel. Did you miss Mommy? Yeah?” Harper stared up at Sarah as she placed a kiss on her forehead, then quickly latched on, settling down against her mom’s skin. She was always calmest when Sarah fed her, when she could feel her heartbeat against her own tiny body, and it was almost enough to make Sarah cry. Almost.

Sarah focused all her attention on Harper while she fed, only looking up when she could sense that she was almost done.

     “Is everything okay with Lolly?”

Crockett frowned. “Yeah, why?”

     “She’s been really quiet all morning, and that’s not like her at all.”

The two men exchanged glances, and Crockett had to bite back a laugh. “Ava took her out to buy breakfast,” Ethan explained, and it suddenly occurred to Sarah that she hadn’t seen her fiancée at all since she’d woken up.

     “Oh.” 

She was about to say something else when Crockett’s phone beeped loudly - he always forgot to put it on silent - and both twins started fussing at the sudden disturbance. He passed Willow over to Ethan so he could calm her down before she started crying, then frowned as he read the message.

     “They should be home in five minutes. Lolly didn’t have a good time.”

     “Meltdown?”

He shook his head. “I don’t think so. Ava says to be careful with Lolly though, so who knows.”

The room went quiet again, and stayed that way until the front door opened and Ava announced their return. Lolly quickly pushed past her and beelined for Sarah, forcing herself into what little space was left on the armchair and burying her face in the crook of Sarah’s neck. No one said anything, but Ava quickly set the two brown bags down on the coffee table and took Harper, returning Sarah’s whispered thank you with a smile.

She explained which food was for who, then sat back on the other couch with Harper lying on her chest as Ethan passed it all around, content in this moment she was sharing with her family.

[crockettmarcel]

day 15 - city

Rainy days were Sarah’s favourite. She loved the way the city looked, grey and dark, the lights reflecting off the wet streets. There was hardly ever anyone out, and it made Sarah feel less alone, knowing she wasn’t the only one trapped inside. On days like this, she could pretend that she was living a normal life, that she was stuck in her apartment because she didn’t want to go out and get wet, not because she couldn’t leave.

Over the last five years, she’d grown more and more familiar with the view outside. She knew it like the back of her hand, knew which windows would light up first in the morning, and which would go dark late at night. Planes often flew over, and she knew when to expect them, and which airlines they were from (if she could manage to get a glimpse of them). 

But the view was all she knew.

She’d only been in Chicago for a few months when she was killed, when the future she’d worked so hard building for herself was taken from her. Most of that time had been spent in class, or holed up in her apartment, studying. She’d tried to go out with her new friends, to get to know the city that was going to be her home for the next four years, and maybe even longer after that, but she was there to become a doctor, not for the nightlife. 

She hadn’t missed out on everything - she’d seen The Bean, of course, and Navy Pier, and she’d been to the Art Institute enough to justify buying a membership (because she was planning on going back). She’d even been to a few bars and clubs with her friends, and stayed out later than she ever would without them. 

If she’d known, she’d have done more. There were other things she wanted to see, that she’d decided to leave until the spring and summer when the weather would be nicer. But she hadn’t made it that far. The last thing she’d done was a trip to the Christkindlmarket, where she’d bought too many Christmas decorations that would only be used once. She often wondered where they were; she guessed that her mom had been given her things, but she had no idea what she’d have done with them.

Part of her liked to think that they were safely stored away in the attic in their house in Connecticut, that her clothes and books and everything else were kept in boxes, only to be looked at occasionally. The Christmas decorations would be the only things to see daylight, being brought down each year as a way of remembering her.

But she knew it wasn’t likely. Her mom had probably just donated her things and done her best to move on. Maybe her room would be left the way it was when she left for college, but she doubted it.

It seemed like everyone but her had moved on. She could still remember after she died, constantly hearing her name on the news in her neighbours’ apartments. They talked about how she was a “promising young girl” with a “bright future ahead of her”, and she wished more than anything that her neighbours would just turn the volume down. There’d been at least one reporter outside the building for weeks afterwards, but now there was nothing.

And why would there be? 

Her case had gone cold, the apartment was occupied, and she’d been laid to rest. No one was thinking about her anymore.

Everything had kept moving without her, and as she looked out at the city, at the cars below, driving along the wet road, she was reminded that things would keep moving forever. Soon, there would be nobody left to remember her, but she’d still be here, gazing out at the same skyline she’d been looking at for years. 

It terrified her.

[crockettmarcel]

day 20 - service

Sarah wasn’t sure how long the funeral had lasted. There was a start time on the order of service, and she’d checked her phone, but her brain was so foggy that she couldn’t work out how long it had been. Her guess was a few hours, but it was probably less.

All she knew was that it had felt like forever.

Days seemed to have passed since she’d zipped herself into the only black dress she owned, since she’d been driven through the rainy streets of Chicago to a church she’d never set foot in before today, but it had only been that morning.

So much had happened though that it could well have been a week. She’d heard speech after speech from people in Crockett’s life, all of them talking about how great he was and how he was taken too soon, and somehow hearing that other people were mourning him made it worse. The eulogy his older sister had given was beautiful, but it was followed by Will talking about how he was a wonderful friend and colleague, which angered Sarah in ways she couldn’t describe.

He didn’t know Crockett, not really, not the way Sarah and his family did. He wasn’t mourning the loss of a brother or son, or the one person who had always felt like home. He wasn’t a five-year-old trying to understand that Daddy wasn’t coming home again, and Sarah’s heart broke all over again thinking about how Will would move on, but Lolly would carry this with her forever.

After the service came the burial, where Sarah was forced to accept that this was her reality now. The man she loved was in a wooden box six feet underground, and no amount of wishing or crying or pleading with God was going to bring him back.

Crockett was gone. 

Everything from then on was a blur. Aria and Dee had come home with her so they could help set up the food for the wake, and at some point she’d changed outfits, presumably because she’d got drenched standing outside in the cemetery, but everything else was starting to blend into one awful, painful memory. There were lots of people in her house, eating and telling her how sorry they were for her loss, but none of them were Crockett, so she struggled to care.

He’d have made the situation better. He had the best jokes, and always knew how to cheer people up, no matter the occasion. This thought struck Sarah more than once throughout the afternoon, and she was even sure she could hear his laughter ringing around the kitchen, the way it did on early weekend mornings when he’d make beignets with Lolly.

But there was no one there of course, and Sarah suddenly realised it was just her in the kitchen, surrounded by trays of finger food and feeling more alone than she ever had before.

[crockettmarcel]

3am | chicago med flash challenge

Crockett’s clock reads 3:17am when he finally looks over, and he’s not entirely sure where the last five hours have gone. There’s an ache in his chest, an emptiness that comes and goes periodically, and he knows that it’s what’s been keeping him awake. 

Before, he’d have spent the night drinking it away, safe in the knowledge that at least the alcohol would help him sleep, and it’s tempting even now. There’s a bottle of wine in his fridge, a gift from a colleague he’s been seeing on and off, and although it’s not as strong as the stuff he used to drink, it would be enough to numb everything and get him to sleep.

He shouldn’t, but the urge is so strong that he suddenly finds himself out on the landing, just a few feet from the top stair. All he has to do is take that first step down, and things will start to feel better. Just one step.

His thoughts are interrupted by a tugging at his shorts, and when he looks down, his heart breaks.

Lolly’s standing there looking like a little Victorian ghost in her white nightie, and even in the limited light, Crockett can see that she’s been crying. Another nightmare, he thinks to himself as he picks her up, wiping her eyes with his free hand and gently kissing her forehead. There’s no way she could have known what he was about to do, but her timing was perfect anyway.

     “Bad dream, ma belle?”

She nods, and then the crying starts up again, loud sobs that echo around the house and make Crockett wish he could do something more than just hold her and tell her she’s safe with him. He doesn’t know how to stop nightmares, if that’s even something a parent can do, but he’d do anything. Watching his baby suffer hurts him more than he’d ever thought it could, and he wishes he wasn’t so helpless in situations like these.

He lets her cry into his bare shoulder for a few minutes, barely conscious of how damp his skin is, and instead focusing completely on his little girl. When he senses that the crying’s starting to ease up, he quietly asks her if she wants to come and sleep in his bed with him. It’s one of the only things that does work, and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t sleep better with Lolly snoring softly on his chest. 

The question is met with a sniffle and a slight head movement, one Crockett hopes is a nod, so he carries her back with him to his room, talking in his best Olaf impression as they go. 

By the time she’s curled up on the bed and “Olaf” is asking her if she wants her blankie, she’s giggling and waving her hands in the air, all memories of her bad dream long forgotten. All she’s worried about now is if Crockett’s going to come back with her blankie and Bunbun, and she squeals with excitement when he does. 

     “Sleepy time now, okay angel?” 

She waits until he’s in bed as well before scooting over to him, then lies down with her head on his chest, one of her little chubby cheeks smushed up against his ribs. Even like this, she looks so much like Sarah, and a lump forms in the back of Crockett’s throat at that thought. He misses her more than he’d like to admit, and more often than not he finds himself wishing that things had ended differently between them, that Sarah was still in Lolly’s life in some way.

But she isn’t, and now isn’t the time to obsess over what went wrong. Instead, he tries to get as comfortable as he can without disturbing Lolly, then closes his eyes and waits for sleep to take him.