#nothing detailed but like. in case the vibes could harm your current state of peace etc just lettin ya know!

[weltonreject]

[[MORE]]

08.17.20

re: trying new things (a la journaling!)- i've been watching a lot of like, morning routine/aesthetic montage of coffee drinking @ 5:30am/ peaceful definitely idealized and intentionally scenic daily life videos a lot recently. and it's definitely inspiring (?) as i creep closer to moving out, esp in contract to the dark academia and study/"productivity" posts i keep feeding myself in order to picture how i want to have my days look, and go into my new home with intention.

i'm personally, um, not doing very well at this particular moment (hence the inconsistent writing, answering, and posting) and living alone has not seemed like the best idea. but watching these videos and getting advice for journaling (which I'll respond to more directly asap thank you for all the tips btw love y'all xo) has been both incredibly intimidating to a part of me that needs things to be Perfect or Else, but also encouraging for me to not sabotage myself before i even get TO my own living space where i can craft a morning routine or budget or diet or Self.

i want to pick out ways to decorate my room in the most pretentious & DA way because why not? i want to start a morning routine of note taking and reading and tea! i want to learn a third language and fold that into my routine! i want to take back learning and care and independence without a grade over me.

but i also know that this excitement is very reactionary. i'm not well. and it's weird to say. and weird to look at these DA aes posts and have them be a... "positive" (???) example of things i can "do" if i get help and get better. i can include those kind of studying/learning (out of school)/gloomy autumnal Vibez into my life if i take care of it enough to actually have energy to shape it.

DA is obviously not the end all be all and should not be a priority to anyone's life purpose/self/identity etc. like. we know this. but in living alone i am getting the chance to indulge in all that stupidly and wonderfully pretentious things we all love about our favorite books and characters and films-- and frankly, each other! it's exciting to think i'll be able to read in all my free time at work and not have a grade to dictate the notes or research i do (or why i'm doing it at 3am...) or i can try new teas and coffees with my morning routine of peace and quiet (and my new habit of piano-based film scores). i feel inspired to be excited and excited to be excited...

i guess this counts as beginning steps to daily journaling, but i'm saying it here because... i don't know, there's something about the performative nature of seeing Aesthetic Journaling that has actually come full circle and gotten me to ACTUALLY do it, rather than fret over perfection. and do it in a way that keeps me accountable? like, i know i am not doing well-- but i didn't want to just write about that (here) and enforce that Poor Coping Mechanisms Hype. i also didn't want it to slip past myself, as it would by staying in a more private place (bc i know myself, not bc i think all feelings should be public instead), that i am feeling slightly energized to... frankly, save my own life.

i want to bookmark that i do want to make a very brooding (and healthy) little slice of post-undergrad, grad school life for myself in the coming months. i want to... feel good enough about my situation to buy myself some fucking furniture? and to plan on literally purchasing groceries as a regular habit? and take care of my life, even if i want it "follow" a certain Energy that's all about academia and being a nitwit in a tweed coat yellin' about homoerotic subtext in "classic" literature...

i want to say this, mostly for my dumb ass, to remind myself that bitch you are excited. there are things to look forward to creating, even if you feel anxious about it needing to be perfect. this is also a way to have things pre-written when i, eventually, need to call my own self out to my friends and say that i need some help. a little support and supervision to this new life i have complete free reign over; if my excitement is reactionary, my destructive behavior can be the same way.

this is already way too long. this was literally just supposed to be about watching a "my 5:30am routine" and feeling like i want to make a very mindful and unplugged routine to read and make my own coffee every day. that was it. but then i remembered... that there's a lot more i have to do before i can even consider making "morning ritual✨" content and posts and videos or whatever to share with y'all (bc if I get into this grad school i do want to start sharing stuff that relates to my new reading lists and study habits and writing methods blah blah blah we get it Mitchell you want to engage with people who have your interests SHH). before i can do that, i have to like. be healthy enough to have any of that be healthy, and not just an avoidance technique. or literally a way to make myself worse (and i mean d**d, technically).

so, somehow, still writing. needing to shut up. but, i wanted to say something for myself, but in a way that can be pointed to like "hey, mitchell, you uhhhh work on this at all, or are you just Politely Not Seeing It??" (providing i get to a worse place in which i am not communicating these thoughts to my irl friends i am moving closer to... although no one here is obligated to look after me. at all. to be clear.)

life is cool, man. i really like filling it with depressing and sorrowful literature and theory because it's interesting, but it's cool. it's cool to be alive for, ya know? life is worth being alive for to shape and create to your own liking. that's literally the point. and i forget thag. constantly.

hope life is cool to you. i think you're very cool for being here, alive today. sending you my warmest regards (or maybe coolest bc summer & motifs)...

sto lat.

mitchell k.