#nothern California midnight

[aprayerforclarity]

12/10 - Nine of Cups

Okay, I just got back from the Seattle trip with Dogwood tales. It was my first time going to the Pacific Northwest. I had a feeling I was really going to love it out there, and it was true. It really reminded me of all my favorite parts of Viriginia, but it felt like all those parts were just magnified.

We stayed with Kyle and Ben's childhood friend Mike Fazier and his wife Stephanie Bruno. Mike is a big white guy. Blonde long hair that falls down to his shoulders. Thick and beautiful, yet unkempt, like a surfer. He has a very kind and handsome face. He's very easygoing, says "dude" a lot and is always being extremely positive. He seems like he's from Virginia Beach or California. Every sandwich he eats or mountain view he sees is the best thing ever. He's the most positive and overstated guy I've ever met in my life, to the point where it's kind of exhausting.

His wife Stephanie is equally as positive and kind. She has darker sicilian skin, plump and beautiful wavy hair. She's definitely more of the pragmatic type. She has a beautiful voice that's kinda deep and buttery soft. She's loves all forms of art, and is a writer herself. I found myself very inspired by her work ethic on things, even though from the very limited reading I have done of her novel I wasn't the biggest fan of. She is a very logical person, always seeming to make lists of things from herself of Mike to do during their day. Whenever Mike had grand plans, it was Steph that checked him or hammered down the details of how the plans would be implemented.

They both love smoking weed, eating amazing food, and enjoying all the positive things in life. Music, conversation, leftist and humanist idealogies. They live in a very ideal world, and they were very proud and eager to show off Seattle to our entire crew.

The entire trip was a whirlwind. I got in very late that first night, and in the morning we had already hit the road, driving from Seattle over to Snoqualmie to walk in nature, see the river and Snoqualmie falls, and see a beautiful view from the cascades. After coffee, lunch, and many laughs and photos later, we headed back home, to turn right around to head to their first show.

They played to over 200+ people in Seattle. It was a really good show, but the entire time everyone on the trip was so tired, propped up by caffeine, travel adereinline and the infectious energy of Mike and Steph and the beautfil new surroundings we found ourselves in.

From there is was non-stop for the next three days, traveling around, seeing mountains, playing shows, and staying up very late. Shows usually didn't end until midnight or so. We couldn't leave before the other bands finished playing, because that's considered rude to the others on the bill. I found myself trying to be around to watch all the others bands on the bills, but it was very challenging when I was so tired. My legs hurt, my back and body ached from being cooped up in the van for half of the day, and a lot of the times I wasn't really into the music of the other bands. This whole trip, despite how I was physcially or mentally feeling, I really made an effort to try to stay very positive and not take up too much emotional space in the thousands of social interactions we had amongst ourselves.

He had a day of respite, where I was still obliged by Mike to walk around their neighborhood of Ballard and do more siteseeing. I was so exhausted and stinky from the lack of showering that I think instead of going to the pinball arcade with some of the crew, I feel asleep around 8pm. I think I slept for 14 hours that day, and woke up feeling completely restored, but had a tinge of regret of missing the arcade.

After that it was off to Vancouver, where we stopped at an abandoned insane asylum. It was in a very rural area in very nothern washington, and it seemed that the county turned it into a recreational and walking park for visitors.

After the park we continued the drive into Vancouver. We had probably my favorite meal of the trip in an area of the city called Gastown. That neighbor was named after a man called Gassy Jack, which I liked a lot. that neighborhood also had a big asian influence to it. We ate at a Japanese sushi restuarant, where Mike cried at the table. He told us that earilier in the year he had been to this restuarant, and he was super sick and couldn't enjoy any of the meal because of his brain tumor. The dinner really felt like a triumph to him, because after the surgery and medications, he finally felt like himself again.

After dinner we went to a cool little honky tonk bar. It was the least attended show on the tour. From there we didn't stay in Canada, and drove back down to Seattle.

From there is was more just putsing around Seattle. I felt mildly sleep deprived the entire time, sleeping on couch cushions laid out on the floor, inflatable sleep pads and couches. It really was such a blast and it really was very intense.

We joked a lot. We jokingly said a lot of terrible and nasty things to each other, knowing it was a safe space amongst each other. I think that the brutalism of touring is really cut by saying such terrible things. It's as equally hilarious as it is innappriate and disturbing.

Whilst on this trip I felt very inspired. I was doing a lot of inspiring things. From seeing dramatic new forms of nature, to reading my new comic book anthology by Alan Moore, to watching the guys play to half attended shows and traveling grooling distances for the sake of their dreams, to going to the Pop culture muesuem and visiting the Scifi/Fantasy all of fame. Everything I was doing and consuming was all built on a dream. A dream of other everyday humans, or dreams of God.

I realized that no matter how I feel, no matter what limits that seem to be keeping me from doing the things I really want to be doing, you can almost always push through them when you get into the zone. I always realize that it all keeps coming back into focus. You have to remain focused on your goals in order to achieve them. No matter what. Even if all the elements in life seem to make it seem like it's not possible, or you're wasting your time, or that the timing just doesn't seem right on what you're trying to do, you have to keep working towards those things.

You are the one who is putting the limits on yourself. It's because of your brain, or society, or evening just the people around you. You can always keep pushing, and when you do, you sleep like a baby at night. I began realizing that everyone who has done something amazing in their life has turned their energy towards one thing, and kept persisting at it, even when it may have been time to "throw in the towel."

I've slowly been learning this from my physical exercise regimes. You can always physcially push your body way more than you brain may want you to. And yes, there are times when you genuinely need to rest. I realize that if you do actually push yourself too far for too long, it will cut into your life force and actually physically do you harm. But, I've been realizing that the line for that is actually way way farther away than I would initially think.

It's kind of hard to write about and fully summarize my experience in Seattle, because the whole time my brain kinda felt like it was being smashed between two metal cylinders and then stretched back out. Over and over again. But I really did come away feeling like my mind has been expanded so much, and I kept telling Ben that I feel like I'm really ready to come back into my own life and surpass all my limitations and work towards all my goals.

That's actually why I'm trying to get back into writing these entries again. I know I need to write, and I know I'm actually getting a lot better at it. When I wrote a thank-you note to Steph and Mike for letting us stay with them, I was actually shocked with how quickly and coherently the words and thoughts just flowed write out of my hands.

Even when I'm writing this, I'm aware of how well things are sounding with this initial draft. I know it's kinda scatter brained, but I'm really feeling like I'm starting to understand how my mind works and how I'm working to be able to channel my focus, body and spirit into whatever I'm writing. I feel like I'm really on the cusp of tapping into a deeper power, imagination and creativity when it comes to feeling my characters.

I think it's aligning more with being extremely present with where I am now, how I'm feeling, and what's going on in my head now. I feel like through mediation, and perhaps free writing as a form of mediation, I can gain better mastery of that. Through that I hope I will be able to be fully present in my mind to the situations and events of the characters in my story. I feel it will make my imagination and imagery much stronger.

While I love concepts and abstract themes and lessons to be learned form storytelling, I realize that the true thing I love and admire about storytelling is the ability for a writer to really bring you in to a setting. I started reading My Brilliant Friend by Elena Ferrante, and she is a master of that. I've realized that seems like one of the missing pieces from my ideas and approach to writing. Once I can really write out a scene that feels honest and real, the major battle is really over.