#note: this isn't everything the characters say about their pansexuality

[mononijikayu]

and love is a kaleidoscope — gojo satoru.

“I don’t need more than that. Even if it isn't enough, I’ll tell you it's enough.” he said softly, his eyes searching your face as if trying to memorize every detail. “I just… I miss you.” The words hung in the air between you, heavy and loaded with the things you both weren’t saying. You wanted to tell him you missed him too, that you hated the distance between you, but the missions, the constant fight—it had become a wall between you, one that you didn’t know how to tear down. “I miss you too.” you finally admitted, your voice small and tired. “But that doesn’t change anything.”

WARNING/S: pre-hidden inventory arc, post hidden inventory arc, domesticity, fluff, angst, trauma, implied death, violence, romance, hurt/comfort, character death depiction of death, depictions of loss and depression, depiction of blood, depiction of killing, depiction of suffering, depiction of anxiety, mention of death, mention of grief, profanity, family drama;

WORDS: 8.5k words.

NOTE: i feel like every time i ponder if genmei (you) is bisexual or pansexual, i go in the drawing board and think that really doesn't matter. yuki and you go way back, you had something to do with how she managed to get away with not being consumed by tengen. and you were yuki's first love, i supposed. but that's a story for another time. satoru by this point feels like his connection with you matters the most, because he feels secured about his relationship with suguru. but of course, you wonder because there's a difference with how he needs to converse with you vs just going purely with what suguru says. but i suppose that's just how obvious it was, their fracturing relationships. anyway, i hope you enjoy this little treat!!! I love you all <3

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u s and t h e m

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YOU HAD JUST GOTTEN THE NEWS ON YOUR WAY BACK. The dimly lit infirmary of Tokyo Jujutsu High buzzed with the faint sounds of healing techniques being employed and the distant murmurs of the staff tending to the injured.

The air was heavy with the scent of antiseptics, but it was the sight before you that truly made your heart race—a scene you had dreaded since the moment you heard about the mission. Ieiri Shoko looked at you in the face, with a weary look. You had never seen that look in her eyes before. Your eyes scanned the room and your breath was blown out of you.

Gojo Satoru lay on one of the beds, his usually vibrant expression now dulled by pain. His left arm was heavily bandaged, blood seeping through the cloth, while deep cuts marred his torso. Geto Suguru, just a few feet away, appeared equally battered, his face bruised and swollen, eyes closed as if he were trying to shut out the world around him.

Your breath hitched in your throat, and a wave of panic washed over you. “Satoru–kun! Suguru–kun!” You rushed to their side, your hands trembling as you reached for them. Satoru’s gaze flickered to yours, a flicker of reassurance in his eyes, but it was overshadowed by the pain etched across his features. Suguru’s lips curled slightly in a weak smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

“Hey, we’re fine… just a little banged up.” Satoru managed, his voice hoarse, but it did little to assuage your fear. You heard that he was stabbed in the throat and that concerned you the most. You could see the blood dried soaking the bandages and the shadows under their eyes. Panic turned into a cold grip around your heart.

“No, you’re not!” You barely managed to keep your voice steady as you felt your chest tighten. “You’re injured! You shouldn’t have gone on that mission at all….This should have been my mission, I told them so….” 

“Gen–senpai, we’re….we’re alright.” Suguru whispered, but you can tell that he wasn’t alright. Everything about him was out of place, shaken and beaten. Exhausted. Broken. “Really.”

“You…you don’t have to lie to me, Suguru–kun.”

Your eyes darted around the room, taking in the chaos, the frantic pace of the other healer staff in the room as they worked to clear out the equipment. You turned back to Yaga–sensei, who stood nearby, his expression stoic, but the concern in his eyes mirrored your own. The more you looked at him, the angrier you got. If he had decided to fight against the decision by the higher ups, by Tengen–sama, then maybe….just maybe — he wouldn’t have that look on his face. 

“I’m willing to take the next few months of missions for them.” you blurted out, your determination taking Yaga by surprise. Your exhausted eyes lowered.  “They can’t go back out there like this. It’s too dangerous. I can handle it; I’ll do whatever it takes.”

Yaga looked at you for a long moment, the weight of your words hanging in the air. “You know the risks of this to you. You’re already doing so much….” he said finally, his voice low and serious. “Principal Gakuganji would be displeased—”

Your eyes looked up and narrowed. “So? He’s always displeased with me and my so-called insolence anyway. Let him get angry.”

“Genmei, if you were serious—”

“I am. I never joke around about things like this. You know that too well.” you insisted, crossing your arms defiantly. “I won’t let them put themselves in danger again while they’re like this. They need to rest and recover.”

As Shoko continued to work on Satoru and another worked on Suguru, you sat down beside them, taking one of Satoru’s hands in yours, squeezing it tightly. “Just hold on, okay? You’ll be alright.”

Satoru’s eyes softened as he gazed at you, and for a moment, the pain seemed to fade away, replaced by the warmth of your presence. “You really worry too much, Gen–senpai.” he said, a small, teasing smirk trying to break through despite the pain. “But I appreciate it.”

Suguru shifted slightly, his eyes fluttering open. “You’re taking the missions?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper, filled with concern. “You shouldn’t have to carry that burden alone, Gen–senpai. That’s not something that you should concern yourself about.”

“I can handle it, Suguru–kun.” you replied firmly, forcing a smile despite the tears threatening to spill over. “You both need to heal. I’ll make sure everything is taken care of while you rest.”

Satoru and Suguru exchanged a glance, an unspoken conversation passing between them. Then Satoru looked back at you, his expression serious. “Promise me you’ll be careful, okay? You can’t push yourself too hard either, Gen–senpai.”

“I promise.” you replied, your voice trembling with emotion. “I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you both safe.”

As the medical staff and Shoko continued their work, you stayed by their sides, your heart swelling with a mix of fear and determination. You mouthed a thank you to Shoko, who nodded at you. She didn’t want to talk about it, not yet. But maybe soon. Not everything had to be continued in words. And so silence remained.

YOU WERE GOOD AT NOTICING THINGS. And yet, you didn’t notice this before it was too late. It was subtle at first, so faint that you almost didn’t notice it. The way Satoru would flinch, ever so slightly, when your hand brushed against his.

How Suguru's usually calm and confident demeanor would flicker off with hesitation whenever an argument arose. He would immediately snap and tell you to drop it off. It was small enough to ignore in the beginning, but as the days turned into weeks, the changes became impossible to overlook.

You couldn’t find yourself to come and visit them today, even if you were on campus. As you sat at the edge of your staff room, you sighed as you smoked out your French cigarettes. You had just gotten back from a mission and now you couldn’t fall asleep.

You shrugged as you kept staring at the soft glow of the setting sun filtering through the window, the weight of the growing distance between you, Satoru, and Suguru pressing down on your chest like a vice. They were right there, just within reach, but they felt so far away.

Satoru had always been the one who reached out, pulling you into his orbit with his magnetic energy. He was the one who would tug you close without a second thought, his arm draped lazily around your shoulders, his touch playful and comforting. But now… now he barely touched you at all.

You remembered the last time you tried to hold his hand. It was a small gesture, one born out of habit more than anything, but the moment your fingers brushed against his, you felt him pull away. He tried to cover it up, laughing it off with a joke that was too sharp, too brittle. But you saw the flicker of discomfort in his eyes.

It wasn’t that he didn’t care about you or how you feel. You knew he did. But something had changed. Something inside him recoiled from physical contact, and no matter how hard you tried to ignore it, it was impossible not to feel the sting of rejection.

Suguru, on the other hand, had always been your anchor, the one who brought calm to the storm. When things went wrong, he was the one who would sit with you, listen to you, face the problem head-on. But now, whenever there was even the slightest hint of conflict, he would retreat, closing himself off from you in ways that were so unlike him.

The last argument you had was over something small—an errand left undone, a moment of miscommunication—but instead of addressing it, Suguru had simply walked away. No discussion, no confrontation. Just silence. And it hurt more than the argument ever could have.

Ieiri Shoko pushes the door to your room open without knocking, her usual nonchalance on full display as she steps inside. The familiar smell of tobacco clings to her, the faint scent of cigarette smoke tracing behind her like a signature. She waves at you, smiling.

"Hey." she greets, tossing a small box of cigarettes on your desk. "Can I have one?"

You glance at her, then at the cigarettes. A brief hesitation flickers through your mind before you shake your head. "Shoko, I can't give you one."

She snickers, a knowing smirk tugging at the corner of her lips as she takes a seat on the edge of your bed. "Yeah? Like you didn't start smoking at my age." She pulls one out for herself, lighting it expertly and inhaling deeply.

You sigh, realizing she’s got you there. The years have passed, but that particular truth hasn't changed. "Fine, fine. Just one." you mutter, reaching over for a cigarette. "But don’t act all smug about it."

The two of you settle into a comfortable silence, the soft crackle of burning tobacco the only sound for a moment. You take a slow drag, letting the smoke swirl lazily in the air between you. You wonder why Shoko was already up — but you knew better than to ask. She probably hasn't slept yet either. Knowing her, she’s studying up for her RCT with some of the other healer focused sorcerers. You sighed. You were in no position to tell her to go back to sleep.

"So... how’s Geto doing?" Shoko asks after a while, her tone casual but with an undertone of concern.

You exhale, watching the smoke dissipate into the air as your thoughts drift to him. "He’s... managing. It’s not easy, but we’re working through it. I think he's finding his balance again, little by little. There are still tough days. Sometimes we talk, sometimes we don’t. If we do, sometimes he snaps. But no more than usual, I suppose.”

Shoko nods, taking another drag from her cigarette. "Yeah. That makes sense. And Gojo?"

"Satoru–kun…" You pause, unsure of how to summarize the mess of emotions tied to his name. "He’s still overseas, doing his thing. Same old Gojo, honestly. But there's something... I don’t know. I worry about him sometimes."

She blows out a slow stream of smoke, eyes narrowing slightly as she considers your words. "Gojo’s always been hard to read when it comes to his own well-being. He hides it well. Guess that’s why we’re all stuck worrying about him."

"Yeah, I suppose so." you agree softly, feeling a pang of concern settle in your chest. "It's like he carries everything but never really shares the weight."

Shoko chuckles lightly, her cigarette burning low as she stubs it out. "Guess we all have our ways of dealing don’t we? But at least we’ve got each other."

You nod, flicking the ash from your cigarette into the tray. "Yeah... we do."

At least that’s what you hoped.

The more they withdrew, the more you found yourself pulling away, too. It wasn’t what you wanted. Every fiber of your being screamed for you to reach out, to grab hold of them, to bridge the gap that was forming between you. But each time you tried, it felt like you were met with walls that neither of them were willing to break down.

You found yourself spending more time alone, avoiding the spaces where the three of you used to be so comfortable together. The living room, once filled with easy laughter and teasing banter, felt too cold, too empty.

The kitchen, where Satoru used to steal snacks from your plate, now felt like a place of quiet avoidance. Even your bedroom, the sanctuary where you’d all shared late-night talks and quiet moments, seemed foreign now.

And they didn’t seem to notice the way your distance mirrored theirs.

Satoru still cracked his usual jokes, but there was an edge to them that hadn’t been there before. He seemed more focused on keeping up appearances, hiding behind his sarcasm and grin, as if pretending that nothing had changed would make it true. Suguru, too, was quieter, more withdrawn. When you tried to talk to him, really talk to him, his responses were vague, his eyes distant, as if he wasn’t entirely present in the conversation.

It broke something inside you.

You wanted to ask them what was happening. Why Satoru couldn’t stand to be touched anymore, why Suguru avoided confrontation like it was a plague. But every time you opened your mouth to ask, the words got stuck in your throat. You were afraid of what the answer might be. Afraid that acknowledging the growing rift between you would make it real in a way that was irreversible.

So, you stayed silent. You put on a smile when they were around, forced laughter where it didn’t quite fit, and pretended that the distance didn’t hurt as much as it did.

But late at night, when you were alone in bed and the silence was deafening, you couldn’t stop the ache in your chest from spreading. The realization that you were becoming a stranger to the two people you loved most in the world was suffocating, and no matter how hard you tried to hold on, they were slipping away from you.

You knew you couldn’t keep pretending forever. Something had to give. But until then, all you could do was watch the space between you grow wider, feeling more alone with each passing day.

YOU RARELY DRINK NOWADAYS. Not because you can’t, but because you had too many vices already. And it worried your mother a lot, how the alcohol had changed you as a person. You would not give up the cigarette, not yet. But giving up the drink was easy. But there were days where it was hard to keep that promise. 

Today was one of these days.

The air was cold and still, the kind of night where even the wind held its breath. The Mikoto family tomb stood silently under the pale light of the moon, a forgotten place tucked away in a corner of Kyoto, where old memories and ancient grudges rested. 

You staggered through the entrance, the alcohol heavy in your veins, numbing everything except the ache in your chest. Your breath hitched as you made your way deeper into the tomb, past the grand marble slabs of ancestors long gone, until you reached the place where the weight of your heart seemed heaviest.

Fushiguro Toji.

His name was etched onto the stone beside your father’s, a simple marker for a man who had lived his life in defiance of everything. Of the Zenins, of fate, and of you. The bottle of sake in your hand swayed dangerously as you stopped in front of his grave. The cold stone of the tomb pressed into your back as you collapsed in front of it, your fingers trembling as you poured some of the drink over his grave, a bitter offering.

“You…” your voice cracked, the alcohol giving it a sharp edge. “Why did you have to do the things you did?”

Your chest tightened as you stared at the name on the stone, blurred by your drunken haze, by the tears that you didn’t even realize were already streaming down your face. “You could’ve come to us! You should’ve come to us, Toji. You didn’t have to… you didn’t have to ruin everything.”

Anger boiled in your veins, mixing with the hurt, with the deep sense of betrayal that had festered inside you for so long. Toji had been family, in some strange, fractured way. You looked up to him in your youth. He was the brother you never had. You missed him, you longed for him. He was a missing piece of your family. And yet he decided that he didn’t want to have that. 

He could have sought refuge, he could have swallowed his pride, but instead, he had walked a path of destruction, dragging everything and everyone down with him.

“Why didn’t you come to us?” you demanded, your voice rising as you clenched the bottle tighter. “You knew the Zenins were trash. Us who left, we were all we had! You knew! My father—he would have helped you. He would have protected you, taken you in. You….you were like a son to him. You knew that! We could have given you a real home, a place where you didn’t have to keep fighting… but no. You had to—” Your words broke off into a sob, your breath ragged as the weight of your pain crushed your chest.

You leaned forward, your forehead resting against the cold stone of his grave. The anger was still there, burning beneath the surface, but now, all you could feel was the deep, aching sense of loss. “Why did you choose pride over everything else? Why, Toji–niisama? Was it really worth it? All the blood, all the pain…”

The tears fell freely now, soaking into the ground beneath you. You had carried this hurt for so long, this question that you had never been able to ask him in life. Why couldn’t he have trusted you, trusted your family? Why had he chosen the hard path, the one that left him broken and alone, when he could have had something better?

You slammed the bottle against the stone, your frustration bubbling over. “Damn it, you fool!” you cried, the sound echoing through the tomb. “You could have had a family! You could have been safe. Your…your kid would have been fine with you and us!”

But he hadn’t. And now, he lay here, next to your father, in a cold, silent grave, while you were left standing in the wreckage of the life he had refused.

The alcohol had stripped away your composure, leaving nothing but the raw hurt, the years of wondering what could have been, if only he had been able to put aside that stubborn, destructive pride. Your voice was quieter now, trembling. 

“Why couldn’t you let go of your pride? Why couldn’t you come to us?”

The tomb was silent, offering no answers, no closure. Only the stillness of the dead.

You wiped the tears from your face with the back of your hand, but it didn’t matter. They just kept falling, spilling out all the hurt, the anger, the love that had been twisted into something unrecognizable over the years. Toji’s grave remained still, his choices set in stone, and you were left there, alone with the weight of it all.

“I could have saved you, nii–sama.” you whispered, your voice barely audible. “We could have saved you.”

But it was too late. The man who had stood tall and unbreakable in his pride was now buried, his name carved into the stone, the answers to your questions buried with him.

TSUKUMO YUKI’S OVERABUNDANCE OF MESSAGES WERE QUITE TOO MUCH. But the more you ignore her, the more’s going to go and continue her cheeky messaging. So the moment she sent you her location, you went there as you finished your mission. You can file the report tomorrow, you supposed.

The pulsating rhythm of the music hit you like a physical force the moment you stepped into the nightclub, lights flashing in dizzying colors, shadows shifting in every corner of the packed space. The beat was loud, relentless, but it did nothing to shake the exhaustion that clung to you like a second skin.

After three months of endless missions, your body had moved beyond exhaustion into a state of numbness. Sleep was a distant memory, buried under the weight of six missions a day, the faces of cursed spirits, and the suffocating silence that followed each exorcism.

You stumbled toward the bar, the world blurring slightly around the edges. Maybe it was the lack of sleep, maybe it was the fatigue, or maybe it was the overwhelming feeling of being completely, utterly alone despite the crowd. The bartender shot you a glance, but you waved them off, searching for the one familiar face you were here for.

Tsukumo Yuki.

It didn’t take long to spot her—leaning casually against the bar, her golden hair catching the light as she turned her gaze toward you. She raised an eyebrow, a knowing smirk tugging at the corner of her lips as you approached. But behind her usual teasing expression, you could see something else—concern, perhaps, or something heavier that she wasn’t showing.

“You look like hell, Mei-chi.” Yuki remarked, her voice cutting through the noise as you finally collapsed onto the stool next to her. She grinned. “I thought you would dress up for me.”

She’s called you Mei–chi for a long time, maybe longer than you could remember. Kaiko kept telling her off about it. But you just let her be. She called you her ‘light’ after all. She ordered you both drinks without asking, sliding one toward you. You ignored it for now, instead fixing her with a tired look.

“I just came from a mission, Yuki.” you muttered, rubbing a hand over your face. “Or five. I don’t even know anymore.” The words came out slurred with fatigue. “I can’t dress up for you, sorry.”

“Yeah, I heard, you know?” she said, her smirk softening into something more serious. She leaned closer, her hand resting lightly on your arm. “That’s why I’m here.”

You frowned, blinking at her in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“I’m worried about you. Well, I always worry about you, Mei-chi.” Yuki said simply, her bright pinkish–doe eyes locking onto yours with an intensity that made your breath catch. “I’ve been hearing things—how you’ve been taking on six missions a day, running yourself ragged all over Japan. You haven’t slept properly in months, have you?”

Your heart skipped a beat. “Yuki, seriously, this is—”

She cut you off with a shake of her head. “I’m not here to lecture you, Mei-chi. I just wanted to see you. That’s enough to halt my research for a bit. You’re more than enough reason, always.”

The weight of her words hit you harder than expected. You had always known Yuki to be focused, obsessed even, with her goals and research. But to hear that she had paused all of it just to check on you—it made something tighten in your chest. You purse your lips into a flat line, your eyes not leaving her own.

“I’m fine, Yuki.” you said, but even to your own ears, the words sounded hollow. You took a long swig of the drink she had ordered for you, the alcohol burning its way down your throat. The lie lingered in the air between you, and Yuki didn’t bother trying to hide the disbelief in her eyes.

“Are you? Or are you just going to lie to me again through your teeth?” she asked quietly, her hand still resting on your arm, warm and steady against your skin. “Because from where I’m sitting, you’re anything but fine.”

Her words cracked something open inside you. The exhaustion, the relentless pressure you had been putting on yourself, the weight of every curse exorcized, every mission completed—all of it felt like it was crashing down on you at once. And now, here she was, this person who always seemed so untouchable, so above the chaos, sitting next to you and telling you that she cared.

“Why do you care so much?” you asked, your voice hoarse as you looked up at her, meeting her gaze head-on. The alcohol was starting to hit, your mind fuzzier, but her presence was clear, grounded, like a tether in the storm of your exhaustion.

“Because I care about you the most.” Yuki replied, with no hesitation in her voice. The sincerity in her words made your chest tighten, your throat constrict with emotions you weren’t ready to face. Her hand slid from your arm to your hand, squeezing it gently. “But don’t you know that already? Or do you need a reminder?”

You stared at her, the noise of the club fading into the background as her words hung between you. You wanted to say something, but no words came. Instead, you took another long drink, the alcohol dulling the sharp edges of everything inside you. It was easier that way, easier to drown it all out, to let the numbness spread.

Yuki stayed by your side, patient, her eyes never leaving you. She didn’t push, didn’t demand anything from you. Instead, she was just… there. And for the first time in months, you allowed yourself to lean into that presence, to let someone else carry a bit of the weight you’d been holding onto.

“I appreciate it. You should know that.” you muttered, your voice barely audible over the music. “I really do.”

Yuki smiled softly, her thumb brushing over the back of your hand. “I know.”

Drink after drink, you let yourself sink deeper into the warmth of the alcohol, into the comfort of her presence. You weren’t sure when it happened, but at some point, the distance between you two vanished. The lines blurred, and before you knew it, your lips were on hers.

It was soft at first, tentative, as if you were both testing the waters, but then something broke open between you, a flood of pent-up emotions, exhaustion, and longing. The kiss deepened, and suddenly, the world around you ceased to exist.

You didn’t remember how you got back to the hotel. Everything was a blur of heat and tangled limbs, of whispered names and shared breaths. It was a desperate need to forget, to feel, to lose yourself in something—someone that wasn’t the constant burden of your responsibilities.

When you woke the next morning, the early light creeping through the window, you found yourself in bed beside Yuki, her golden hair spread across the pillow. For a moment, you just lay there, staring at the ceiling, the weight of last night sinking in.

You hadn’t planned for this. You hadn’t expected it. But somehow, in the quiet hours of the night, you had found something you hadn’t realized you were looking for.

Yuki stirred beside you, her eyes fluttering open as she turned to look at you. There was no regret in her gaze, only quiet understanding.

“Morning.” she murmured, her voice still soft with sleep.

“Morning.” you replied, your voice rough but steadier than it had been in a long time.

And for the first time in what felt like forever, you allowed yourself to breathe.

WHEN YUKI LEFT, YOUR LIFE RETURNED TO ITS DAILY PATTERN. The quiet of your apartment in Kyoto was a rare luxury, a silence you had grown unaccustomed to after months of constant missions.

It was one of those rare days off, but even then, you couldn’t relax. Your mind was still racing, still thinking ahead to the next mission, the next cursed spirit that needed to be exorcized. The dim light filtering through the curtains gave the space a muted, almost serene feel, but it did nothing to calm the storm inside you.

The soft knock at the door startled you, breaking the quiet. You sighed, already knowing who it was before you even opened the door. When you did, there he stood—Satoru Gojo, leaning casually against the doorframe, his signature smirk in place, but his cerulean eyes told a different story, something more subdued, something that softened his usual bravado.

“Hey.” Satoru greeted, his tone lighter than his eyes. “I’m glad to finally see you.”

You crossed your arms, leaning against the doorway, your eyes narrowing slightly. “You should go home, Satoru–kun.” you said quietly, your voice devoid of its usual warmth. “I’m sure you have better things to do.”

He tilted his head, not moving from where he stood. “I could go home, that’s true.” he admitted, shrugging. “But I wanted to see you. I’m staying here, just so I can spend time with you.” He stepped inside without waiting for permission, his presence instantly filling the space as if he belonged there.

You sighed again, closing the door behind him. “You only have a few minutes, then.” you said, glancing at the clock on the wall. “I have to leave. There’s another mission soon.”

Satoru’s expression faltered, but only for a moment before he plastered on another playful grin. “A few minutes, huh? Well, I’ll take what I can get.”

He wandered around your apartment as if inspecting it. It changed the last time since he visited. But you were quite certain that he knew that already. He just doesn’t care about it now.His gaze kept drifting back to you, his hands in his pockets, shoulders relaxed, but you could sense the tension just beneath the surface.

You sat down on the couch, folding your arms over your chest, trying to put some distance between you. “You know I’m not in the mood for this, Satoru–kun.” you muttered, not meeting his gaze. “You should be resting, not chasing after me.”

“Maybe I don’t want to rest, Gen–senpai.” he said, his voice softer now, the teasing edge gone. He took a seat beside you, not too close, but close enough that you could feel the warmth of him. “Maybe I just want to see you. It’s been… a while.”

Your heart clenched at his words. He wasn’t wrong. It had been a while since you had seen each other, since you had shared any real time together. You had both been buried in missions, in responsibilities that seemed never-ending. And now, even when you had a sliver of time, you were already thinking about leaving again.

“Satoru–kun…..” you began, your voice wavering, “I don’t have time for this. For us. At least right now. You know that.”

He didn’t respond right away, just stared at you, his usual cockiness replaced by something softer, something more vulnerable. “I know you’ve been busy.” he said slowly, looking you in the eyes deeper. “And I know I’ve been… distant. But I’m here now.”

You swallowed hard, your resolve starting to crack under his gaze. His eyes, usually so bright and full of life, seemed a little dimmer now, weighed down by the same exhaustion you felt. You wanted to tell him to leave, to walk away and forget about whatever this was, but the words wouldn’t come.

Instead, you looked away, your hands tightening into fists in your lap. “A few minutes. Just….a little bit more, okay?” you repeated, your voice barely above a whisper.

Satoru reached out, his hand brushing lightly against yours, a touch so fleeting it almost wasn’t there. But it was enough to make you freeze, to make you feel the ache in your chest that you had been trying so hard to ignore. He didn’t push, didn’t try to hold on. He just let his hand linger for a second before pulling back.

“I don’t need more than that. Even if it isn't enough, I’ll tell you it's enough.” he said softly, his eyes searching your face as if trying to memorize every detail. “I just… I miss you.”

The words hung in the air between you, heavy and loaded with the things you both weren’t saying. You wanted to tell him you missed him too, that you hated the distance between you, but the missions, the constant fight—it had become a wall between you, one that you didn’t know how to tear down.

“I miss you too.” you finally admitted, your voice small and tired. “But that doesn’t change anything.”

Satoru’s smile was sad, a rare expression on his usually carefree face. “I know it doesn’t. But for now… can stay here for a little more? Even if it’s only for a few minutes.”

You didn’t respond, but you didn’t push him away either. The two of you stared at each other in silence, the sound of the ticking clock the only thing filling the space between you. The weight of your responsibilities still loomed large, but for a brief moment, in the quiet of your apartment, you allowed yourself to forget.

Just for a few minutes.

The soft clink of your lighter echoed in the quiet room, breaking the stillness as you lit a cigarette and took a slow drag. The smoke curled lazily into the air, swirling around you in a haze as you moved around, packing some essentials into a worn duffel bag. The apartment felt heavier these days, the walls somehow closer, as if the weight of everything that had happened had pressed in on you both.

Satoru was back. He was healed, physically at least, but something in him had changed. He had grown quieter, more serious. The once carefree, arrogant smirk that used to greet you was replaced by a grim focus. His obsession with Jujutsu had deepened, consuming him in a way that was hard to watch.

He stood by the window, his back to you, his posture tense. His gaze was distant, fixed on some point far beyond the cityscape, lost in thoughts you couldn’t reach. It had been like this for weeks now— Gojo Satoru in the same room but feeling a thousand miles away.

You took another drag, letting the smoke fill your lungs before slowly exhaling. The bitter taste grounded you, kept you awake, kept you from getting lost in the same fog that had swallowed him.

“I don’t like seeing you smoke, Gen–senpai.” Satoru’s voice cut through the silence, soft but firm. He hadn’t moved, still staring out at the city, but you could feel the weight of his words. “It’s bad for you.”

You glanced over at him, your eyes narrowing slightly. “It keeps me up…..you know that.” you muttered, flicking the ash off into the tray beside you. You didn’t want to get into this—not now. Not after everything.

He finally turned to face you, his pale blue eyes catching the dim light filtering through the curtains. His glasses sat perched on his nose, shielding his gaze, but you knew he was watching you closely. “Just do coffee jelly, like you used to.”

You smiled at him softly. “It’s not enough, Satoru–kun.”

In a few quick strides, Satoru closed the distance between you. His fingers wrapped gently around the cigarette in your hand, not pulling it away, just holding it there, his touch light but firm. The sudden proximity sent a jolt through you, and you glanced up at him, meeting his gaze.

With a slow, deliberate motion, Satoru removed his glasses, setting them aside. His bright blue  eyes were clear now, piercing, full of a raw emotion he had been hiding behind his usual aloofness. 

“I’m sorry.” he said, his voice quieter than before, but more real, more vulnerable. “I’m sorry I ignored you. That won’t happen again.”

You stared at him for a long moment, the tension between you heavy and thick, the smell of smoke still hanging in the air. His apology hung there, an unspoken plea behind it. It wasn’t just about the cigarette. It was about the distance, the silence, the way he had shut you out.

You sighed, long and heavy, and without a word, you crushed the cigarette into the ashtray. The glowing ember dimmed and died out as you turned away from him, continuing to pack your things.

“I just needed time.” Satoru continued, his voice soft but insistent. “I’m trying to figure everything out, but I know I pushed you away. I shouldn’t have.”

You paused, your hands stilling over the bag, but you didn’t turn to face him. “You’ve changed.” you said quietly, your voice barely above a whisper. “You’re different now. Obsessed.”

“I know, I know.” he admitted, his voice steady but lined with exhaustion. “I have to be. Jujutsu… it’s all I have left to keep this world in check. If I’m not strong enough, who else will be?”

You closed your eyes, taking a breath to calm the swirl of frustration in your chest. “You don’t have to do it alone, Satoru–kun.”

“I know that too.” His voice softened, and you could hear him moving closer, his presence a warm but overwhelming force behind you. “But I don’t want to lose anyone else. Not Suguru….Not you. Especially not you.”

His words cracked something inside you, and before you could stop yourself, you turned to face him, your eyes locking onto his. For a moment, neither of you spoke, the silence filled with everything you weren’t saying.

Satoru’s gaze softened, and without hesitation, he stepped closer, closing the remaining distance between you. His hand brushed against your arm, a touch that was meant to be reassuring, grounding, but instead, it sent a shiver down your spine.

“I won’t ignore you again, don’t worry.” he repeated, his voice a low promise. “I can’t afford to.”

You sighed, letting the tension drain from your shoulders. “Just… don’t lose yourself, Satoru–kun.”

He nodded, his expression still serious but with a flicker of his old self breaking through. “I’ll try.”

For the first time in weeks, you allowed yourself to believe him. Just for now, just for this moment. You couldn’t predict what would happen next, but for now, at least, he was here. With you.

The quiet stretched between you like a chasm, uncomfortably familiar in the way it pressed on the spaces that once held laughter and ease. Satoru stood there, looking at you with a mix of uncertainty and something else you couldn’t quite place. The tension, though subtle, hung heavily in the air.

“Are you mad at me?” he asked, his voice low, almost hesitant, as if the answer could break whatever fragile connection remained between you.

You looked at him for a long moment before shaking your head. “No, I’m not mad.”

His gaze softened, but you could see the hint of relief flicker in his eyes. He always feared the worst in moments like this, despite the bravado he carried like armor. “Good,” he breathed, his shoulders relaxing slightly.

“But….” you continued, your tone steady but carrying the weight of unspoken expectations, “I just hoped for more from you.”

Satoru didn’t flinch at your words, but his face hardened just a fraction. He stood there, absorbing what you said, before giving you a slight nod. “I know.” he said quietly. There was no argument, no defense, just a simple acknowledgment.

You sighed, looking down at the floor, the quiet filling the room once again. You weren’t angry, not really. Just… disappointed. You had always seen Satoru as something more, something larger than life, someone who could shoulder the weight of the world and still be the person you needed him to be. But the cracks were showing, and they were starting to feel too deep to ignore.

“I just…” You trailed off, unsure of how to finish the sentence. Your mind wandered to Suguru, to the growing distance you had sensed between him and Satoru. Something was off. You didn’t know what exactly, but you felt it. And it made you feel like you were on the outside, unable to help either of them.

“Have you talked to Suguru?” you asked suddenly, your voice sharper than you intended. “Asked if he’s really fine?”

Satoru’s expression shifted, a flicker of confusion crossing his face. “Suguru’s fine, you know that.” he said, his tone dismissive, as if the question itself was unnecessary. “Why wouldn’t he be?”

You frowned, your stomach twisting at his nonchalance. “Are you sure?” you asked quietly, searching his face for any sign that he might understand what you were getting at. But Satoru just shrugged, his easy confidence never wavering.

“I’ve seen him. He’s fine.” he repeated, this time with more certainty. “Just exhausted, you know? He’s back to his missions.”

But you weren’t convinced. Something in Geto Suguru had been different lately, something you couldn’t quite put your finger on. Maybe it was the way he avoided certain conversations, or how his smiles didn’t reach his eyes anymore. Whatever it was, you knew it wasn’t as simple as Satoru made it out to be.

You looked at Satoru, feeling the weight of the silence between you again. You weren’t sure what to say. How could you explain what you felt without sounding like you were imagining things? And yet, the growing distance between all of you gnawed at your gut like an ever-present ache.

Instead of pushing further, you just sighed and shook your head. “I hope you’re right.”

Satoru watched you for a moment longer, his eyes searching your face as if trying to figure out what you weren’t saying. But he didn’t push, didn’t press you for more.

You looked at Satoru, feeling the weight of the silence between you again. You weren’t sure what to say. How could you explain what you felt without sounding like you were imagining things? And yet, the growing distance between all of you gnawed at your gut like an ever-present ache.

For a moment, the tension between you and Satoru lingered, a thin thread that neither of you seemed willing to cut. He stood there, quiet but expectant, as if waiting for you to say something to fill the silence. You glanced at him, then back down at your bag, your hands absentmindedly fidgeting with the zipper. 

Everything about this, it was like a kaleidoscope. A pandemonium of colors, colors you see and don’t want to see all at once. It was just that way, you supposed. Your world, it is more colorful with all these colors in it. And slowly, you were just waiting, Waiting to find out more. To see more. To reach for it.

“Maybe you should ask Suguru if he wants to come eat with us sometime. Shoko too. I heard….her RCT teacher is brutal with work. We can relax together.” you said softly, breaking the silence. The thought had been nagging at you for a while now, ever since you’d heard the rumors—both of them skipping meals, barely taking care of themselves. “I’ve heard neither of you are eating much lately. You and Suguru.”

Satoru’s expression shifted, a small frown creasing his brow. He didn’t deny it, didn’t argue, just let your words hang there for a moment before giving a slight nod. “Suguru’s… he’s been busy.” he murmured, his voice distant, as if there was more to the story than he was willing to admit.

“Busy or not, tell him to come. I can cook and….” you continued. “you both need to eat. My day off is tomorrow, so I’ll cook zaru soba.” You glanced at him, gauging his reaction before adding with a small, lazy smile, “And I’ll bake cookies too.”

Satoru’s frown eased, and for the first time in what felt like weeks, you saw a hint of the old Satoru—the one who’d light up at the mention of food, especially if you were the one cooking. He loosened up, his posture relaxing slightly as the corners of his mouth lifted into a small, genuine smile.

“I missed you/” he admitted, his voice soft but sincere. There was a vulnerability in his words that made your heart ache. He had always been good at hiding behind jokes and bravado, but in moments like this, the cracks showed, and you could see the real Satoru underneath.

You sighed, the sound heavy but not without warmth. A lazy smile tugged at your lips as you reached for the cigarette you’d left in the ashtray. You put it between your lips, not lighting it this time, just holding it there as you looked at him.

“I missed you too, Satoru.” you said, your voice quiet but filled with an honesty you hadn’t allowed yourself to express until now.

He stared at you for a moment, his eyes softening as the tension between you both seemed to dissolve, if only for now. The silence that followed wasn’t uncomfortable—it was filled with something else, something familiar and comforting.

Satoru stepped closer, his hand brushing against yours as he reached for the lighter you had set aside. For a brief moment, his fingers lingered on yours, a small gesture that spoke louder than words. You didn’t pull away.

“We’ll talk to Suguru. Shoko’s pretty easy to convince.” he said quietly, his eyes never leaving yours. “And… I’d like that. The soba and the cookies.”

You smiled around the unlit cigarette, feeling the weight on your chest lift, just a little. “Good.”

As you grabbed your bag and slung it over your shoulder, the familiar weight of another mission ahead pressed on you. You glanced at Satoru, who was still lingering by the door, watching your every move. There was something in his eyes—playful, yes, but tinged with something deeper, something almost like reluctance to let you go.

“You heading out already?” he asked, his tone casual, but you could hear the disappointment beneath it.

“Yeah…The sooner I finish, the faster I can go home. I can buy the ingredients for tomorrow in the morning too.” you replied, adjusting the strap of your bag. 

Satoru shifted from one foot to the other, hesitating for just a moment before blurting out, “I’ll tag along.”

You blinked at him, surprised. “No, you won’t.”

But Satoru, in typical fashion, wasn’t ready to take no for an answer. He pouted dramatically, crossing his arms as if you had just denied him his favorite treat. 

“Why not? I wanna come. I’ll even take pictures and send them to Suguru and Shoko.” he added with a childish grin, his eyes gleaming with mischief. “Gonna make them jealous.”

You shook your head, exasperated. “You’re insufferable, you know that?” You tried to hide the amused smile that tugged at the corners of your mouth, but you knew Satoru could see through it.

“Insufferable? Me?!” he gasped theatrically, placing a hand over his heart as if wounded. “I just missed you,” he whined, his voice taking on that exaggerated, almost comically tearful tone that he often used when he didn’t get his way. “Is that so wrong?”

You rolled your eyes, sighing as you made your way toward the door. “You’re such a child, Satoru–kun.”

“And you love it!” he called after you, his grin widening. He trotted after you like an eager puppy, his energy somehow never fading, even after everything the two of you had been through.

You stopped at the doorway, turning to look at him one more time. He stood there, still pouting, but there was something about the way he looked at you—something vulnerable beneath all that playfulness. You sighed, shaking your head as you smiled lazily.

“Go home, Satoru–kun.” you said softly, your voice carrying a warmth that betrayed your words.

But even as you stepped out the door, you could hear him calling after you, still determined, still wanting to be near you, as if afraid to let you slip away again. And despite everything, you couldn’t help but smile, knowing that no matter how much you resisted, Satoru would always find a way to stay close.

epilogue

It was one of those rare weekday afternoons when the world seemed to slow down, a precious day off for Satoru that he intended to make special.

While you were out picking up Megumi and Tsumiki from school, he had taken it upon himself to surprise you by cleaning your office. With Satoshi strapped snugly in a baby carrier on his chest, Satoru moved about the space, a little clumsily, as he picked up stray papers and tidied up the scattered toys that somehow always found their way there.

As he cleaned, he noticed a drawer slightly ajar and, out of curiosity, pulled it open. Inside lay a treasure trove of memories—old photographs that instantly transported him back in time. He reached for a stack, and as he did, Satoshi, fascinated by the colors and shapes of the pictures, began reaching for them with tiny, eager hands.

“Hey, little guy, not so fast!” Satoru chuckled, stumbling slightly as Satoshi’s excitement threw him off balance. In his haste to keep the baby from pulling the pictures out of his hands, he ended up dropping a few, and they scattered across the floor.

One photo landed face-up, capturing a younger version of you, Suguru, and Shoko, all grinning wide and carefree, the sunlight casting a golden hue over the moment. Another showed a laughing Kaiko and Namie, arms thrown around your shoulders. Satoru felt a warmth spread through him as he admired the faces of your past, each picture telling a story of friendship and laughter.

As he knelt down to gather them, he couldn’t help but smile at the nostalgia. “How nostalgic youth is, hm?” he mused aloud, glancing at Satoshi, who cooed in response, as if he understood the sentiment. “Glad you agree, little dawn.”

Just then, the sound of the front door creaking open signaled Megumi and Tsumiki’s return. They came bounding in, backpacks slung over their shoulders, chatting excitedly about their day. When they spotted Satoru on the floor surrounded by pictures, they exchanged curious glances.

“What are those?” Tsumiki asked, peering over at the scattered photos.

You entered just in time to hear her question, a smile blooming on your face as you knelt beside Satoru. “These are some old pictures!” you explained, picking one up to show them. “This is me with some of my friends.” You pointed at the smiling faces in the photo, watching as your children leaned in closer to get a better look. “Then me and Satoru with everyone we love.”

Megumi studied the picture intently. “You all look so young then,” he remarked, a hint of surprise in his voice. “And happy.”

“Yeah, we were.” you said, your voice warm with fond memories. “We had some good times back then.”

As you sorted through the photos,  Gojo Satoru couldn’t help but beam with pride, watching you share your past with the kids. You pointed out Kaiko and Namie in another picture, explaining who they were and how you had all met. The joy in your voice was infectious, and he felt a swell of happiness just being there, part of this moment.

“Wow, you were cool back then, too!” Tsumiki teased, giggling as she spotted a particularly silly pose you’d struck in one of the photos.

Satoru joined in on the laughter, his heart swelling with love for the life you had built together. “I’d say you’ve only gotten cooler.” he said, giving you a playful nudge. “And to think I get to be here for all of it.”

Megumi snickered. “You’re still as lame as back then.”

“HUH!? Megumi! You think of your dad as lame!? LAME!? Darling! Our son thinks I’m lame!”

You laughed. “But….Isn’t that the truth, Satoru?”

“That’s not true at all!” Your husband decried, pouting heavily in response. “I can’t believe it, even you?”

“You make it easy for me to think that way, dear.”

“Now that’s just flat out rude!”

“Gen–san, where was this?” Tsumiki excitedly asked. “Isn’t this a theme park?”

“Ohhhh, that’s the first time we brought Satoru to Parque España! Satoru, didn’t you cry at how you got to ride the Pyrenees?”

“It was terrifying, you knew that!” He blushed, recalling the memory.

Megumi blinked and then grinned. “Gen–san, tell us more!”

“Okay, okay~”

“Darling, don’t tell the kids about my uncool moments!”

With the excitement turning to you telling stories about the pictures, Your son Satoshi wanted to go eat some snacks — so Satoru went to the kitchen with him. Satoshi was gurgling happily in the carrier, Satoru felt an overwhelming sense of contentment. 

Moments like this, no matter how rare or brief, just surrounded by family, reminiscing about the past, and sharing laughter—were everything he could have ever wanted. In the warmth of your smiles and the joy of your children, he found a sense of belonging that filled his heart to the brim.

“Life is pretty great, don’t you think?” he said softly, catching Satoshi’s eye and sharing a smile that spoke volumes. Satoshi giggled. “Hm, I’m glad you think so too, little dawn. We’ll have more and more!”

[thatcreationsureisunending]

- INTRODUCTION + INFO

'eeello? heeeeeeeellllllloooo? hee-- OH oh. Forgot this works flawlessly. Whoops!

Well, thought it'd be about time to do some sort of- introduction? Something like that anyway!

Think of it likeee a preview message before establishing proper connection.

I'm Infinite Possibilities; Creation Unending. Infinite Possibilities for short (snrk) and Creativity for shorter!

Iiiii dabble in a little bit of everything- some of you might've received pearls or files from me? Yeah

But I'm primarily known for painting and making games!

Uh. Contacts are open to anyone! I'm trying to keep this short, haha.

One of my siblings has one of these connections too! You should go bother him on my behalf

============================================

OOC from here on out- as you can probably gleam, this is an Iterator oc askblog! This post took an unreasonably long time to make, and I apologize for that!

This account is run by me, Zoc @softcryz! OOC posts will be tagged as such!

Here's some important things to note-- I'll definitely add more as we go on. If you have any questions regarding rules or the blog in general, feel free to ask me on my main account!

This blog takes place post-ascension! ( Unless stated otherwise ;] )

Any interactions are open, but that does not guarantee that I WILL answer your ask. I have every right to not respond/delete things that I am not comfortable with or just simply do not want to follow through with.

^ That said, please try not to be weird about it. I mean via sending nsfw and the like. Kind of obvious but I'm still putting this here.

#ip;cu_talks // #wawa_talks -- posts where they're talking

#ip;cu_asks // #wawa_asks -- asks directed to either of those two

#LANDS_EDGE -- Local group tag!

#friend_tower -- Posts that include people IP;CU knows :]

#art_pipebomb // #(we need to make a new tag) (with some kind of pun in it) (suggestions welcomed please) -- Fanart and the like!!

If you have any questions regarding the blog feel free to send them to my main account :]

I'll add onto this as I think of more stuff, but until then! Character notes time!

============================================

INFINITE POSSIBILITIES; CREATION UNENDING

Gender apathetic - Pansexual [He/him] [ TOYHOUSE ] [ ARTFIGHT ]

Creativity is the second guy in the Lands Edge group! He was built to process MUCH more and MUCH faster than the standard Iterator-- to the point where no real "limiter" could be put on his systems because his processing just kept. Tanking and breaking it.

The infinite thinking and everything that comes with it is not entirely within his control, though. It isn't something he can shut down or slow down.

Due to his constantly-working brain and need for stimulation, he sorta just... Does a whole bunch of stuff! Just to do it! He's taken a specific interest in programming "games" for other iterators, and is very open to suggestions!

City was somewhat known for being a sort of centre of many different types of art. (He's more well-known for being the game developer guy-- and the weird iterator who keeps sending paint deliveries out to random people)

BIG guy. He's like. Two heads taller than the average Iterator. Height chart coming soon

WAWA

She/her dominant (any pronouns) [ TOYHOUSE ] [ ARTFIGHT ]

wawa.

runs on cartoon logic

a little smaller than a slugpup

insane dodging capabilities. She's also an obligate carnivore

Where's the slug in this slugcat. This is just a beast of some sort

?? JUST APPEARS? She will just teleport in your chamber. say her name and she'll appear

she also paints with Creativity :]

[cowboymantis]

Okay there's this one ""stereotype""?? I've noticed I've always had myself and it's kinda funny tho, but also it's kind of interesting thinking about it???

It's kinda hard putting my thoughts into actual words so bear with me here kfhdjd

So basically yknow when people are joking about how [sexuality] often has a completely different "taste" in [gender they're not attracted to]

I already felt this back when I was in my lesbian stage of the pipeline from pansexual to aroace ( How is this such a common thing???? Why are we all so oblivious?????) and I'd often had male characters/actors, etc, that I'd call adorable and be like :3 look at him!!! And then I'd had people just be like bruh... why...

And I still have this a lot, where I love to look at someone in the aesthetic way and just think they're very pretty or cute and then I'd often see people call them looking weird or ugly. Does anyone else have that?? Maybe it's also because in my head I just don't categorize people into ugliness, I think it's weird calling people ugly, either you like how someone looks or you don't, they can't exactly do anything against it?

And to come back to the "stereotype"/joke about people with weird tastes, I think it also comes back to appreciating someone's appearance in a different way other than being attracted to them. It's just natural that most of the time the people are getting thirsted over are more "conventionally attractive", because even if it's subconsciously, people will often look at them in a sexual or romantic way.

And I've always found this weird, especially when seeing people thirst over characters or idols, etc, I always get disgusted- not in a judging way, I just don't wanna see that stuff goodbyee 🛌 I have so many blocked or muted just because thirst posts keep showing up on my for you pages bc the general fandom likes it. So if you're blocked by me on any site, it's probably nothing personal... Tumblr sadly doesn't have a proper efficient way to mute that, so I just always have to block and feel lowkey bad 🥲

So yeah, what I'm thinking is you can appreciate someone's beauty more freely when you don't see them mainly in a sexual way. Obviously, this isn't a FACT, just an observation from different reactions. Like when someone gets called ugly and it's immediately being made about something sexual or romantic, like "you're never gonna get a girl looking like that!" "I wouldn't wanna sleep with someone ugly like you!!", it just feels so weird to me... Obviously, it probably does to most decent people, but I hope you get what I'm trying to say here kdjdjdhd

On another note, maybe it's just a personal me thing, but sometimes I'll have a ship only to find out... no one else ships it?? Or barely anyone.

Now, I really hate romance and avoid it like the plague, but every now and then, I'd have two characters I'd ship a bit and think they're kinda cute together! (Although I'd probably not want any of those to actually be canon bc I can't stand watching cheesy scenes lmaoo)

But when I get into the fandom and see the general ships and everything, I'd often just notice no one seems to think the same???

It's just no matter what I like, it seems it's completely different from the vast majority 🥲 Maybe I just have weird taste man 😭

[amethystina]

I wonder how Gaon and Yohan are going to explain the change in their interactions to Elijah, since it's going to be obvious to her that something has happened between them. Since Elijah knows that there's nothing between Gaon and Soo hyun, I wonder if she will play a role in clearing Yohan's misconception? Thanks for the update! I can't stop thinking how many ways this story can play out😅 Btw i really appreciate the time and effort you put into responding to our questions with such detail.

That definitely depends on who's doing the explaining xD Yo Han would just brush it off and pretend that nothing is happening — which would just piss her off — while Ga On would make a stilted effort to explain without making it too obvious what it's actually about. Which would also annoy her.

That poor girl, seriously. She doesn't deserve to get caught between these two idiots.

I'm not sure I agree that Elijah "knows" that there was nothing between Ga On and Soo Hyun, though. I think she very much thinks there was something between them. I mean, sure, they denied it when she asked if they were dating, but THE WAY they did so was pretty telling (especially in Soo Hyun's case). Even more so since Elijah is a bit... well, innocent? I think most of her experience with love comes from media, books etc. and how Ga On and Soo Hyun behaved is, well, straight from a drama xD

And Elijah also had that talk with Soo Hyun when they were eating ice cream on Ga On's terrace, where it became pretty obvious that Soo Hyun is in love with Ga On and has already confessed to him several times.

So I think Elijah very much believes they were in love. Which means she won't really play a role in convincing Yo Han otherwise — if asked, she'd probably only make it worse, even. Because her understanding of love is a bit superficial and probably pretty geared towards straightness. That's not to say that she's not aware of gay people (I think she might actually know more about that than Ga On does xD) but from the evidence she's seen both Ga On and Yo Han seem straight to her (because I can't imagine that Yo Han has flaunted his dalliances with other men in front of her).

I know I'm very, very firm about this but Elijah doesn't know that Yo Han and Ga On have the hots for each other. And not because she's stupid, but because she's grown up in a country where straightness is the norm and Yo Han has done everything he can to hide the depth of his and Ga On's relationship from her. Also, she's a self-centred teenager x'D

Like, take me for an example. I was around 23-24 and very comfortable in my own pansexuality but was still IN NO WAY PREPARED when my mum basically went: "I may only have had sex with two women in my life but, let me tell you — 10/10, would recommend." Because I had only ever seen her date and talk about men before and therefore assumed she had no interest in anything else. That's how easy it is to miss that someone close to you isn't entirely straight — especially if it's a parent/guardian.

So I really don't think that Elijah would notice until it gets a lot more obvious than this xD

Which wasn't technically what your ask was about (sorry for the tangent xD), but still important to know because Elijah really won't be all that helpful when it comes to Yo Han and Ga On figuring out their feelings for each other. In fact, she might just end up making things harder for them without meaning to. But more about that in later chapters ;)

ANYWAY. Thank you so much for the lovely ask! I'm so happy to hear that people are this excited and involved in my story! And, tbh, I can't help replying because I'm very excited, too, and love talking about my writing, my thoughts, and my takes on these characters. How could I resist? More often than not, I have to cut my answers short because I keep writing longer and longer ones.

Like, you guys have no idea how long the first drafts of my author's notes usually are. One time I had to cut half of it because it was reaching truly spectacular lengths. And sure, I know that some of you probably wouldn't complain if I had posted that first draft, but I'm trying to contain myself, okay? And also not reveal too much since it might end up spoiling future plot points. It's a constant struggle.

So yeah. I'm actually consciously holding back a lot of the time because I'm trying to not come off as completely unhinged x'D

[maya-matlin]

Five ships: Jonnor, Morisol, Spaige, Bhandallas, Beckdam

Five characters: Ellie, Ashley, Liberty, Terri, Emma

Bonus: Name your five most seemingly unpopular Degrassi opinions :)

1.) Spaige

2.) Morisol

3.) Jonnor

4.) Beckdam

5.) Bhandallas

1.) Liberty

2.) Ellie

3.) Emma

4.) Ashley

5.) Terri

As for my opinions:

1.) I'm not sure how to phrase this without it coming across like I'm excusing Tristan's biphobia or trying to shut down fans' rightful and completely understandable criticisms re: Tristan's biphobic moments. But, I think Tristan sometimes gets scapegoated as the biphobic guy. Degrassi always had a massive biphobia problem, and it didn't begin and end with Tristan. It's present as early as Paige's time on the show. Like many shows at the time and even some present day shows, they refused to label any polysexual characters. It's always "I like people". "I'm not into labels." "I don't like this gender, but I like you." "I'm open minded." Anything that talks around the possibility that a character could be anything besides straight or gay/lesbian. Obviously, sexual orientation isn't limited to a specific label. Oftentimes, people choose to remain unlabeled, fall somewhere under the queer umbrella, or consider things like this very complex and therefore don't take on a label. It's the casual way Imogen goes from "I like people" to being referred to as a lesbian during her final season and expressing disgust when contemplating getting involved with her canonical ex boyfriend. The writers' Twitter "confirmed" Imogen as pansexual years later and that's also how I interpret the character's sexual orientation, but.. it doesn't change how they chose to portray Imogen's sexual orientation. However, it's also true that society is only now starting to catch up and has started writing their characters accordingly. Tristan's ignorance about Miles's sexual orientation and refusal to put his insecurities aside and accept that he's in love with a bisexual man until his final season has no excuse. There could have been an arc dedicated to Tristan unlearning this behavior and being a better partner and person in general. This never happened. Degrassi did the absolute bare minimum by having Lola be the one to validate Miles's identity presumably after enough people called them out on social media following the premiere of Next Class season 1. Tristan sort of halfway accepts that Miles is bi, but it's Miles who has the dialogue explaining while there's never acknowledgement that Tristan hadn't accepted Miles up to this point or made him feel any type of way. And on that note, Miles isn't shown reacting to any biphobia. We don't know what he thinks, whether he's mad, feels rejected, insecure, feels as though he needs to be "less" to be accepted by his boyfriend, etc. I don't think I made any sort of point, but basically I feel like everything gets reduced to "Tristan is trash," and that's the end of the conversation when I feel like it goes much deeper?

2.) Eli wasn't out of character during seasons 13 and 14. There's a precedent for Eli lashing out and blaming Clare when things don't go his way or she does something he perceives as wrong. Also, while the timeline was baffling, Eli's only human and it's not surprising that he'd struggle with loneliness once he and Clare were physically separated. As for season 14, Eli being possessive and saying inappropriate, vaguely misogynistic things to Clare 100% lines up with canon. Eli also seemed fully lucid to me when he was calling Clare a whore. He was clearly getting off on that and only changed his stance when he realized she was carrying his child.

3.) This is so minor, but I don't give a flying fuck that Alex Steele came back as Tori and not Angie. It's television. Actors play multiple roles all the time. It's kind of annoying that this overshadows Tori's whole character and existence. I don't think she was around long enough to be super complex or anything, but I liked that character for who she was and the monthly comments complaining about this since like 2011 have been annoying.

4.) As much as I love the idea of Spinner and Terri getting together and possibly becoming endgame in a scenario where Terri sticks around, in actuality I think Spinner would have dropped the ball hard. Considering how he behaved with Paige during season 4, I doubt he would have been the best boyfriend to Terri with or without Paige's interference. As shady as Paige was, Spinner's interest switched from Terri to Paige extremely quickly.

5.) Ashley was depressed throughout her time on the show barring the year she spent in London and everyone missed it, the writers included. I don't know that this is actually unpopular, but she's constantly misunderstood and accused of being "moody" and "dramatic" and it's just very obvious to me that she's unhappy a lot of the time and feels very stifled. She's desperate to find some sort of way to express herself whether it be by writing and performing songs or altering her physical appearance. And at the end of season 4, I genuinely think her mental health had taken its toll which forced her to cut contact with Craig and get the hell away from Degrassi. While she came back seemingly with a new lease on life and appeared happier during season 6, by season 7 she was back to feeling limited and suddenly, the plans she made with Jimmy that used to make sense felt all wrong. IDK.

[soartfullydone]

Rufus: 8, 12, 21. Bastion: 4, 5, 18

Rufus (shut up)

8. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you despise?

I genuinely try to avoid learning what the fandom does at all buuut anything that paints Rufus as being domestic when he has no concept of what a normal life looks like, never mind a functional family. This man has no idea how to balance a checkbook and wouldn't have an instinctual interest in putting your feelings first. I'm not saying he can't have moments of vulnerability or being soft, but those moments are ephemeral. This man has walls around him. He distances himself from others as a rule. He has personas he shows to the board, to rank and file employees, to the general public and keeps his true self and intentions carefully hidden. He's manipulative and it comes second-nature to him. He loathes not feeling in control of a situation and isn't going to sub for you.

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

A then-unnamed Darkstar was a failed genetic enhancement canine experiment that was going to be terminated. The breed was meant to follow its owner's orders without question, but Darkstar exhibited significant aggression and behavioral issues. When Rufus interceded on the experiment's behalf, it wasn't to plead mercy from his father. Instead, Rufus made a bet with him. If he could train the animal, he could keep him as his personal guard dog.

President Shinra agreed, on the condition that if Rufus failed, his son would be expected to plant a bullet in the dog's head himself. Rufus named his dog the very next day, a defiant vow to them both that he would succeed.

21. If you're a fic writer and have written for this character, what's your favorite thing to do when you're writing for this character? What's something you don't like?

Whenever Rufus is in a scene, it feels like everything has suddenly been placed under a microscope. He's observant and calculating, the emotions he expresses wavering between bored, cool, muted, and amused. But the play of emotions, while subtle, are there if other characters are observant enough to clock them. Focusing on body language is a must and a nice challenge for me because so much about Rufus is what he isn't saying. Other characters have to be on their A-game while dealing with him, and that's impossible for some to manage. Since characters making missteps is always a possibility, scenes with him tend to feel alive and interesting to write, even if they're not full of action. Walking on a knife's edge just does it for me.

I guess what I don't like but I willingly do to myself is that I don't write from his perspective, at least not yet. I don't want his every thought and action to be transparent to the reader or the other characters, but that means I, the writer, have to keep track of what he verbally notes and what he mentally files away for later. And that means making a lot of side notes. A real pain in the ass, this rich boy.

Bastion (i'm being harrassed)

4. If you could put this character in any other media, be it a book, a movie, anything, what would you put them in?

Does pymary get to come with him? Because if it doesn't, I think it would kill him. This is hard, though. I've not thought much about it, so I don't have a serious answer for you but. The Gentlemen Bastards series because that's what Locke and Jean need. A pansexual necromancer bastard in desperate want of money and whose unsettling, otherworldly patron won't leave alone. Locke and Bastion would be so bitchy at each other as they try to prove who's more clever. Jean's just the right side of ugly yet fuckable that Bastion would seduce right off, and Locke would hate that, actually. He'd go for Sabetha, too—good luck to him. But Bastion's offsetting and pymary would be so useful to the thieves, and maybe, just maybe, Locke and Jean's slightly better moral compass would inspire Bastion to be the better person he wants to be but is too scared to commit to. They'd still murder people as needed, though.

5. What's the first song that comes to mind when you think about them?

Funeral by Reaper and Prison Sex by TOOL, it's instant. (They're side-by-side in my playlist for a reason.) The former captures the Black Tongue lifestyle, the swagger, glamour, and ultimate self-destructiveness of it all. And the latter is about the cycles of abuse started by Delicieu and perpetuated by Bastion onto others, coupled with his over-reliance on sex as both stimulant and escape.

18. How about a relationship they have in canon with another character that you admire?

I deeply adore Bastion's relationship with Rahm Ripa. The genuine friendship between them. The mentorship Rahm tries to give Bastion. The mutual respect of an accomplished compeer. How these two can absolutely level with each other and call each other out on their bullshit. How they go along with each other's unwise endeavors anyway, for knowledge, for pymary. And of course, there's the fucking. I genuinely mourn its loss every day, but it's a hurt that hurts so good, so it's fine. It's fine. I'm fine.

[paimonial-rage]

Alr time for u to be read me like a book!

I would consider myself a ambivert, I truly enjoy spending time with my friends but god do I have a social battery-

I still wanna hang out but I'm just mentally drained and need a break, just give me a sec and I'll be back in the game! Idk why it would be needed but I'm a Leo. I'm not physically fit in any sort of way. I'm sorta the person that's in the middle of groups u can say? Ik a lot of popular people but others don't know me.

I get along with fairly everyone even though I hate a lot of ppl 💀

Whenever u see me I'm usually just listening to music, reading, drawing or just plainly spacing out. I also always look like I'm tired and done. I plan to major in art or something with writing in the future. I can be very insecure about myself and my body. It's a really huge problem I have, I feel uncomfortable in my own skin.

I don't think about it to often and have fun with my friends! I'm pansexual ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)ᵇᵗʷ

I'm chaotic but the therapist friend at the same time, don't ask how that works. Uhh all in all I'm not very interesting tbh,

((author's note under a cut on why this took so long))

Anon, I was just complaining about this recently on my main blog, but you give off side character vibes, aka my absolute favorite kind of character. You're the kind of character that supports the main character(s), but everything about you makes me just wish the author spent more time fleshing you out.

The job of a side character isn't easy. You're the glue that keeps everyone together. You keep the group on the right path. You take care and make sure others are having fun, but you don't have many people to check in on you. Because side characters are friends with the protagonists, they often think that they're not interesting. But this is only because they compare themselves with the shiniest people around. Of course you would seem dull in comparison! However, what you gotta realize is that there is a reason why popular people want to hang with you, you know? They have all the people in the world they can choose to befriend, but they all chose you. Don’t forget that. 

That being said, because you are both an ambivert and someone that acts as a therapist to other people, I think you would be the most compatible with someone that you do not need to be “on” with and someone you don’t feel you need to take care of. After you’re done having fun with your larger friend group, you have someone to come home to. I think you also need someone to slow you down before you wear yourself out. That’s why I think you would match with:

Albedo

If you were purely a nice person, I would not pair you up with him. Albedo is not the easiest to get along with. He’s involved in his interests and doesn’t like people wasting his time. Where you differ from a nice person, anon, is that while you enjoy interacting with people, you are not a Disney princess. You admit you hate a lot of people. You do not feel the need to wear a smile every single second of the day. Despite this, you shine in your interactions with others. 

I can see you as someone Albedo would initially dismiss, but through interactions you would become someone interesting to him. You are a bundle of contradictions—friendly, yet judgmental; sociable, yet needing space; beloved, yet not well known; large friend group, but solitary hobbies. You represent a lot he can come to learn about the world. And, I feel that you are someone he can trust to receive honesty from. 

Like I mentioned before, I can see for you, he would be someone you wouldn’t feel the need to be “on” with. You don’t need to be high energy. And, I feel he is someone you’d have a fun time being honest with, like your irritation for people. He’d probably find it interesting to listen to. Sociable people always have interesting insights about people, you know? On top of that, you both have interest in art and reading, so that’s something you can do together. 

As for the discomforts you feel with your own body, Albedo would be the kind of person that would only mind if you mind. If you feel that there are things you would like to change, he will assist you with it. If not, then he is fine either way. Still, he will keep an eye on you as you seem like the type that pushes yourself. If you're not feeling well, he'll see to it that you're eating the right foods, taking the correct amount of rest, etc.

Lastly, though, the reason why I chose Albedo is that honestly I can see that you both would enjoy talking shit about people you don't like together. You'd both have fun. I can see that his blunt and dry opinions would make you laugh, probably saying the things you were thinking but didn't dare to bring forth verbally into existence.

I just imagine as someone that is social but has their limits, Albedo is someone you can turn to at the end of the day after all your chaotic excitement has worn off. He is not high maintenance, nor is he high voltage. He isn't possessive, nor is he clingy. As a whole, I just imagine that he'd feel like home.

Anyway, I am so sorry this took so long. I got slammed by life, then finals, then slammed again, then went on a sudden trip, etc etc etc. I wanted to write you a oneshot to go along with this, but then I suddenly came to the conclusion that, wow! I am worst than I thought at writing romance and fluff!!!

With the message and after messages you sent, I found myself wanting to write more. The story I wanted to tell was not something I could portray in a couple thousand words. Insecurities are something that I do not want to gloss over, nor do I want them to be the summation of a person. I also hate the fluffy "you are perfect the way you are uwuwuwuwuw" crap. Life doesn't work that way. LOL With insecurities, there are two choices: change or learn to be okay with them. No one choice is more right or wrong than the other. But to convey this meant taking over the whole story, and dang it we want something cute!!

To me, bonds and relationships mean more if there is solid conflict. I had two choices: settle for a more empty cute short fic or figure out how to address insecurities while also making the story actually fulfilling as a romance. I learned I was unable to do the former, so I tried going with the latter. Aaaaand then I ended up burning out my brain. orz

So until the time I am hopefully able to write a short story to my satisfaction, I am sorry but this will be sitting in my shelf of unwritten fic ideas.

But again, I am so sorry for the long wait. ;v;

[be-good-be-safe-be-kind]

words words words

i might be lying if i said i didn't know what it was about winter that makes words hard. not just in a writing sense, of dropping pronouns and being unable to text in complete sentences, but in a reading and listening sense as well, of not being able to read and retain anything new, or following conversations as well as podcasts. i also don't know if it's lying or not to say i don't know, because at times it seems like i have all the pieces of the 'why' puzzle and at other times it seems like i'm just here? so is it lying or not when the logic and stuff fluctuates? 

i dunno, but it actually makes a decent segue, so we're going to try keeping this snowball of words and ideas rolling. on that note, here's an incomplete list of words and their associations currently giving me a headache:

singlet, to refer to someone who isn't a system

control, jurisdiction/power/authority to manage/own/run something

non-possessive switching, or a sort of awareness of experiencing a switch, rather than an unconscious decision or something unknowingly triggering a switch

deserve, being entitled to something/having a right to it

monoconscious, or a collective conscious, as opposed to different parts with different consciousnesses

should, obligation/requirement to do something

fronting, to refer to whichever part of the system is facing the world

worthy, deserving or having a right to something based on specific traits/actions

co-consciousness, or some degree of having 1+ parts being aware of things in the moment

fault, defect/weakness/responsibility/ownership/blame for mistake

(yes, the topics are sort of alternating, there will be a bit of whiplash between them. yes, there's overlap between them and no, i don't particularly care about that right now)

from a linguistic perspective, singlet has a lot of different sorts of meaning behind it which make it difficult for me to grasp as an opposite to system. i understand the logic of a system being plural, so non-system is a singular entity, and the murky waters of using words like individual or person to describe a non-system, so singlet was coined. the -let suffix tends to be used for armor or jewelry pieces (gauntlet, bracelet) or to indicate a smaller version of something (booklet, piglet). in this instance, singlet reads to me as something particularly small, especially in comparison to the implication of a system being something vast. a singlet is also a wrestling unitard, or a sleeveless shirt/undershirt in the same way that a doublet is a jacket/outer vest. singlets (and doublets and triplets) are also used to refer to systemic states of electrons in physics; by definition, a singlet in this instance is part of a system.

i also have difficulty understanding the need to define one thing in terms of another, as a dichotomy, when there's a spectrum to consider. for example, the opposite of non-disabled is disabled, although some prefer to say that the opposite of disabled is abled, and there's a high probability that someone who is currently non-disabled will become disabled; homosexual is the opposite of heterosexual but not really because orientations such as pansexual and asexual exist, all on a spectrum. also the need for labelling everything and making it public, which i've noticed when people say things like 'you can't write x unless y,' which leads to uncomfortable situations (i received a comment that might have been intended as positive - 'wow, only someone with DID could have written this so well' - but this was years ago, before i considered that diagnosis for myself, and i was just trying to explore some characters).

thankfully, control is something that i can explore with therapist, but outside of therapy and a couple friends, it's presented to me in a very… i dunno, annoying? way. like 'x thing happened ages ago, get over it, why are you letting it influence you?' and 'that really isn't a big deal, why are you letting it have a hold on you?' well, i'm not, not really, because it would be great to not be affected by the everyday sounds and sights of life, i would rather something as commonplace as a goddamn traffic light not cause me to zone out, but brain has other ideas. (and of course i cannot say that to the people who 'helpfully' ask me rhetorical questions and make suggestions to do mindfulness breathing exercises, because then i would have to say that breathing isn't that simple, and i'm not going to elaborate on that). i can, for the most part, control my actions and reactions to things, i don't need to let others' words and actions stand in my way, but i can't guarantee that will happen. i can make plans and shortcuts for myself when a trigger can be identified, like keeping a toothbrush and floss in my room for when the idea of going to a bathroom causes me to freeze, but it's also exhausting to find ways to manage them.

there's a bit to unpack behind my dislike for non-possessive switching, but right now it's mostly the frustration that switching, of any kind, is something identifiable because that entails having knowledge of parts and when they're 'out,' in the moment. and that requires a lot of pieces that i don't have right now; i know of parts, barely, but i don't know them and i'm not sure if the feeling is mutual or not, and i wouldn't be able to say whether or not i'm here now and haven't been here all day. non-possessive switching affirms the existence of possessive switching, and possession is a bit of a squick, and i know the word isn't really meant in like an ownership of an object or person way, or in a supernatural or other entity way, but that's also probably connected with the lack of control problem.

deserve is an interesting word, and this quote probably originates somewhere else other than animal kingdom (i'm too tired to check now) but 'may we all get what we want, and never what we deserve' sums up my feelings on it rather nicely. that, and the end of wonder woman when she tells ares that humanity will receive her kindness because it's not a matter of whether or not they deserve it, and the bit in the fellowship of the ring where gandalf tells frodo not to be hasty in passing judgement about life and death because many live who deserve death, and vice versa. the idea that there's something necessary someone has to do in order to receive compassion or condemnation has been weighing on me a lot since october, as someone who doesn't want much except for empathy and decency, and who has the privilege of being on the sidelines while others are actually suffering. 

while i can point at the shit i've done and the justifications people use to say i deserved things - hell, even the fact that i'm phrasing it as shit i've done rather than what happened to me is a red flag - i can't apply that non-logic to the rest of the world, and it infuriates me. on an individual level, let's say that i did deserve [redacted] because of my existence, because of the ways i personally inconvenienced [redacted] and made their lives miserable. let's say the one-to-one, 'you did this, so i'm doing that' makes sense; it works on that level, it impacts no one else but those involved, and there's a minimal amount of hurt going around. the same can't be said for entire populations, whose existence is only ever acknowledged when a line in the sand is drawn between 'us' and 'them,' whose lives matter less than their deaths, and awful doesn't even begin to scratch the surface of the situation.

like switching, monoconscious is another one of those terms which i understand in theory, and can observe it in systems i know and in media (which tends to overdramatize aspects because that's how storytelling works), but to me it's like… i guess it just sounds like me by default? i more or less am the same person, with the same interests and abilities, it's just the amount of focus/effort into the interest and technical levels of abilities which change, and isn't that just part of being a person (or at least one with autism and adhd)? like some days you're too tired to coherently ramble about star trek, some times you don't really care about it at all until a specific character or idea crosses your mind and suddenly it's spock o'clock. 

it also seems somewhat contradictory to what the nature of being a dissociative system 'should' be like, so it's a bit of a paradox. again, i understand the choice to coin the word, to have a descriptor for another state of consciousness besides for the regular conscious, subconscious, unconsciousness, and that the definitions vary based on context, but i'm just not getting this one. i've read about it, sure, but a lot of what i've read also tends to equate this with a 'lesser' form of dissociation, of being 'just' OSDD instead of DID, but that sort of dismissive phrasing sounds like bullshit because dissociation is dissociation, a disorder is a disorder, and a dissociative disorder is a dissociative disorder, regardless of the severity. 

speaking of the should nature of a system, that leads to the other 'should' statements which connect to the other things of control and deserve. a short gripe, because a lot of things which i've been told are things i should just be able to say or do are more complicated than just saying or doing the things. the 'why' varies depending on the 'should,' but the conclusion ends up being that i can't, not for the lack of trying. 

fronting is another linguistic hurdle for me (hooray for being an english major); long story short, the term relates to phonetics and phonology, as well as being a slang term for putting up a false appearance/façade. and i know, fronting in a dissociative context doesn't have the same connotation as fronting in a non-dissociative context, language is fascinating, descriptivism and prescriptivism and all that, but beyond that, there's the conceptual hurdle. fronting, like switching, requires knowledge that i don't have, and also presents the weird philosophical thing of where am i and who am i when i'm not 'here'? like if i'm at the front right now, the implication is that others are in the back and vice versa, but what does that mean? sometimes the car analogy makes sense, like if i'm the driver's seat, there's others in the back and the passenger seat and maybe the boot as well, but i don't know if i feel like driving. i'm aware of being here, now, but there isn't a sense of ownership or anything, like i might be driving but i'm not in my car.

worthy relates back to the deserve and should, with a bit more morality issues tossed in. whereas deserve is like a given thing based on traits, worthy requires proof; what makes you think you should have this? what have you done to show for it? what value do you have? what makes you or your life worth anyone's time, attention, patience? then there's the issue of who, if anyone, gets to be the judge of this, and if the judge is the same as the jury and executioner. there seems to be a consensus that existence isn't enough to make someone worthy of respect, that kindness must be earned, and that's bonkers. there might be indifference or tolerance, up until a point, until suddenly someone is deemed inherently unworthy, or that they must redeem themself in order to be accepted. then there's also the 'is it worth it?' thing of well, you're demanding that i have to show my value, but what have you done to show me that talking with you is worth my time? if someone considers something as basic as existence something worth 'debating,' is it a safe bet to say that's not a good use of your time? but then, does that make you as bad or worse than them? whose to say, really?

similar to the monoconscious thing, co-consciousness is tricky for me to grasp because that might be the default here. as far as i can tell, there's usually some sort of team-up involved, or at least some sort of internal self-talk/encouragement, which leads to the question of when is it self-talk and when is it another part. hyping yourself up to do the laundry might be a job requiring multiple parts, or something easier when the load is shared, but it also might be like, self-acknowledgement that you need clothes so you might as well get the chore over and done with? 

fault connects with the rest of the things about personally relating to things and events. am i to blame if something went wrong, or did i not have control over the circumstances? did i deserve to have things happen, as a result of not handling the responsibility? it's another one of those things where on an individual level, i can very easily accept the 'fact' that something is my fault, that i'm guilty of it, regardless of the fact that i have no or minimal involvement in it, but when it comes to looking at others and hearing the ways people talk, i can very easily point out how fault is conceptual. 

there's not really a point to this other than having a place to put my thoughts without worrying about saying the wrong thing. just needed a few hours to try wording thoughts, and probably going to have feelings about it all later but that's fine. ran out of steam towards the end so might pick this back up later but i dunno.

[c0mplex-heroes]

SHIPPING CALL

// Give this a like if you'd like me to raid your inbox and discuss potential shipping/romance. (Please click read more to read my preferences below, I just wanted to lay everything out so no-one ends up disappointed)

Okay I've been thinking about it and having some romance/ship threads for my girls could be really fun! Most of it will more likely be a more slow-burn approach, depending on if the characters already have pre-established connections (say if previously friends). Also any shipping has to fit with their sexualities, some will only be interested in girls, others both and others are demi so really need connections first. Again I don't want to promise things as it depends on chemistry between characters, I don't want to throw my girls into relationships that don't make sense. I will say don't let this put you off from asking about shipping! It's just me wanting to make sure chemistry is going to work. Also will state again, I don't do smut writing - fade to black steamy scenes are fine but anything more NSFW isn't for me. It's just not something I'm confident writing myself. Also here's something notes on each of the girls in terms of relationship things.

ALEXIS - Won’t do any romance to anything prior to S10 of Supernatural as she was still underage or freshly 18/19. Alex is bisexual, so she’s open to any male/masc or fem/female partners.

ARIANNA - No romance in her main verse, Serena is the love of her life. But AUs, especially her D&D AU is open to romance. She's gay and only has preferences for women.

CHARLIE - Charlie is pansexual, so gender doesn't matter to her.

CHRISSIE - Chrissie is bisexual, so open to any male/masc or fem/female partners. As she's still quite young so won't ship with any muses over the age of 25 - Chrissie's 20 so I'd prefer muses closer to her age.

ILIDARIA- No romance. This girl is aromantic/asexual, she isn't interested in romance at all.

KIMIKO- Kimiko is demisexual, so it would need to be friends to lovers scenarios regardless of gender. So they would need to already be friends or getting closer as friends before becoming lovers.

KYOKO- No romance. I don't have an adult verse for her yet and she's underage in the verses I do have for her at the moment.

LUCY- Lucy's gay, so women/fem partners only.

MAGGIE- Maggie is also gay, so again only women/fem partners.

NICO- Nico's bisexual, so she's open to any partners really.

REY- Rey is demiromantic, she'd only be interested in a romantic relationship nothing sexual and would need to build a connection as friends first.

SERENA- No romance in her main verse, Arianna is her true love. But open to romance in her D&D verse, also gay and prefers fem partners.

[jenatwork]

Okay, this isn't the essay. This might be the planning notes for the essay, and it needs prefacing with a few things:

1. I have been reading and writing fanfiction for close to 25 years so I'm not just pulling this out of nowhere

2. This is partly influenced by my autistic need for characterisation to be accurate in fics I read/enjoy

3. In no way do I want to tell people how to play with their blorbos - this is almost entirely my personal opinion (with a little bit of English teacher writing advice thrown in)

4. These points might be disjointed, because this is definitely more of a brain dump than a coherent essay.

I was going to say this was a relatively new thing, but looking back, I think I noticed the beginnings of it as far back as 20 years ago - it's just become a lot more prevalent in the past five years or so, as fanfiction has become more mainstream.

What I'm talking about is the writing of male characters (usually in m/m 'ships), in a way that has little to do with canon characterisation and is more about replicating the characterisation that readers (usually of mainstream live-action American shows) expect from romance narratives. That can include any combination of: gender roles (even in same-gender relationships); ideas of sex appeal based on porn for straight men; only engaging with a text for the purposes of shipping;

The reintroduction of gender roles into same-gender relationships is why I'm not into omegaverse or mpreg fics. Those are easy to avoid because those tropes are usually the selling point and first tag of such fics. But it's also partly why I tend to avoid big fandoms centred on live-action English language media. Because there are relatively few films/shows in Western media which properly capture queer male experiences and culture (hard to think of anything more accurate than Russell T Davies' original '90s 'Queer As Folk'), most fic writers' approach to writing relationships comes instead from the relationships that are canon in Western media: namely, m/f relationships. Where, even in 2024, there are still prescribed roles: 'the man and his object of desire' is mapped on to m/m relationships to become 'sugar daddy and his twink' or 'dom and sub' or even just 'top and bottom'. I loathe with a burning passion any discussion of who's the top and who's the bottom, because it feels like ascribing traditional gender roles and nothing to do with what actually happens when queer men have sex.

I need to talk about Deadpool & Wolverine, which reignited a lot of this thinking for me - how Wade's pansexuality in all three of his films is so much of a joke that he seems to me almost the least sexual queer man I've seen in Western media - I'm convinced that if a man ever actually said yes, he wouldn't know what to do about it, because his sexuality has been repackaged for a straight audience who would probably be a little uncomfortable if their funny sex-joke hero actually followed through. The Honda Odyssey scene came across as the film's creators pandering to the shippers in a way that wouldn't deter the straight men who just want to watch their funny sex-joke hero stab and shoot with impunity.

I want to talk, too, about Hannibal, which I recently recently binge-watched precisely because I was curious to see if the babygirlification of its leads by fandom had any real canonical basis. Although I've read only a tiny fraction of the fandom's creative content, what I have read seems to confirm my suspicions: that Will's canonical revulsion over Hannibal's activities is repackaged as swooning excitement at the knowledge that Hannibal kills to get his attention. Again, play with your blorbos however you want, but it is strange to me how fandoms seem to repackage relationships in the same way again and again, stripping away everything from the original content expect for two (or more) attractive dolls to make kiss.

When I said I saw the beginnings of this quite early on in my fandom journey, I want to mention the Warren Mears shippers who kept taking him out of his compelling context to make him kiss boys he never interacted with in canon. And the Due South fic series where Ray Vecchio had a secret life as a drag queen, as if his canonical insistence on upholding a very specific type of rigid masculinity never happened.

And that point would let me segue into an exploration of how, even in 2024, queer culture has been repackaged in a weird, shiny and bland way for straight audiences so that people's understanding of it is limited to Drag Race and Heartstopper and sexless comedic characters.

And how (as I've written in another essay elsewhere) there are far too many fics about gay men putting on lacy lingerie and high heels, or play-acting BDSM from an IKEA-like instruction manual, but I've never read a single fanfiction where a queer man wears a jockstrap.

I need to write an essay about the babygirlification of slash fanfiction.

[posi-pan]

i know you have a list of pan characters in tv/film but other than david rose (he's the only one i know) do any people come to mind that say the word pansexual in canon?

All the canon, on-screen pan tv/film characters I know are:

Aitor, Club de Cuervos: “I’m not gay. Not bi either. Pansexual.”

David, Schitt’s Creek: his father says, “My son is pansexual.”

Edward, Will & Grace: “I like to think of myself as pansexual.”

Even, Skam: the word isn’t used, but he wears a pan flag pin.

Julie, The Expanse: her profile says “Orientation: pan”

Nola, She’s Gotta Have It: “A sex-positive polyamorous pansexual.”

Roger, American Dad: “Another fey, pansexual, alcoholic nonhuman. I’ve been replaced!”

Sadie, Scream Queens: a character says, “She describes herself on Facebook as pansexual.”

EDIT: I figured I’d update it with the on screen pan rep I’ve found since 2019.

Aly, Big Mouth: “I am pansexual.”

Chris, Blood & Water: a character says, “He prefers pansexual.”

Demetri, Wynonna Earp: “I’ve tried it all. I’m pan.”

Dr. Goldberg, Another Period: “I mean, if anything, I’m a pansexual.”

Emma, Doctors: “If I had to give myself a label, I’d say I was pansexual.”

Ferg, Stonemouth: “I’m pansexual. To be precise.”

Harry, The Thing About Harry: “I felt like I was playing into the whole pan stereotype. That we, you know…get around.”

Izzy, You Me Her: “I just happen to be pansexual.”

Karen, Will & Grace: “I’m a pansexual superstar.”

Kat, Madam Secretary: “I’m bisexual. Uh, you can also say pansexual, or fluid, or non-monosexual, but uh, yeah, I’m queer.”

Kevin, What/If: “I’m not gay. I’m pan.”

Ola, Sex Education: “I’m a pansexual, apparently.”

Sabine, Trinkets: a character calls her a “Pansexual narcissistic rock goddess.”

Tam, Younger: a character says, “Tam is pansexual, homoromantic, and their pronouns are they, them, and their.”

Yung Hee, Mike Tyson Mysteries: “If anything, I identify as pan.”

[theharrowing]

hi! i hope this isn't annoying but i saw your master list says you're queer and you write queer characters, but your master list is also BIG so i was wondering if you would point me in some directions? thank you in advance!

hello, lovely anon! this is not annoying at all and i am so glad you asked! it is, however, a bit of a task, so bear with me.

note: i tend to default to saying "bisexual" because i am bisexual, but what this tends to mean is "x is attracted to their gender and not their gender" and can also mean pansexual if that works for you. i don't mean to exclude pansexuals in any way.

all of my mem x mem fics are obviously queer (on account of men having sex with, and often feeling romantic feelings for other men) but here is some less obvious-at-face-value fics containing queerness:

fics where members are not cis:

hope for the holidays: hoseok says he relates more to reader's gender expression than to being cis

dollhouse: jungkook is non-binary, has top surgery, and takes hormones (afab)

fics where reader is not cis or gender is not described:

hope for the holidays: non-binary (afab)

moonstone & onyx: agender (afab)

babyface: non-binary, has top surgery (afab) - hiatus

feeling nauti: non-binary (afab) - hiatus

ride with me: no gender described

fluff prompt, “you can tell me anything”: no gender described

smut prompt: “not so cocky now, are you?”: no gender described

smut prompt: “call me that again”: no gender described

smut prompt, “louder, I want them to hear you”: no gender described

fics where members are bisexual:

devil with the mint hair: yoongi also hooks up with jimin, who will be present in a later chapter (+ reader)

one day at a time: namjoon is married to a woman and develops feelings for yoongi

moonstone & onyx: seokjin has feelings for reader without knowing their assigned at birth gender

consecration: jimin & all members, jimin & fem oc

collateral: yoongi & namjoon + reader, jungkook (in a relationship with Taehyung) + reader

adrenaline: hoseok & jimin + reader

outro, tear: yoongi & namjoon & hoseok + reader

lips like honey: namjoon thought he was straight (has an ex-wife), has a bi-awakening

shaky deposition: yoongi & hoseok + reader

the hooksborough demon: yoongi & jimin + reader

sharing is caring: ot7 + reader (i can't remember which members are bi, tbh it's a big fuck fest)

boy blue: taehyung & yoongi + reader

fics where reader is bisexual:

collateral: reader is very flirty with a female character (but this will become more of a plot point in the sequel where she does more than flirt - spoiler alert lol)

hope for the holidays: reader is bisexual

couldn't pin you down: mention of reader being bisexual (but it's not part of the actual story)

boy blue: taehyung & fem oc + reader

i think that's everything...? i have quite a few wips with non-cis reader and members, and i will be branching out more into ace and aro dynamics in the future, too. so if there is something you would like to see representation for, please let me know!

also, i changed my url at some point, so some reblogs of this have links that are no longer supported on mobile, sorry about that! links have been updated!

[ekjohnston]

hello. in another reply, when asked why you view ahsoka as panromantic, you replied with "aliens". based on that, I feel like there are some things that need to be cleared up. I am not attacking or trying to insult, I just need to say this.

first of all, being pan means attraction regardless of gender, so I don't see what aliens have to do with that since aliens are not a gender. this feels pretty dehumanising(?) to pan people irl and gives in to the stereotype/joke that pan people "are attracted to anything that moves".

on that note, we don't know how attraction between different species works (since we don't coexist with other species we can form relationships with) but I think it's obvious that it would be a completely different part and not connected to gender. someone who is bisexual, for example, can be attracted to multiple genders regardless of species. they would still be bisexual.

we also know that there are no sexuality labels in sw, which means characters' sexualities are merely implied to us, because that's one of the relatable parts of a character. so I don't think someone can be implied as panromantic because they're attracted to aliens, because, to put it simply, that's not the definition of the identity.

in case this is misinterpreted as me not wanting ahsoka to be pan due to possible bad wording(?), I would love for ahsoka to be panromantic demisexual as long as the identities are actually respected.

side note: there is no default sexuality, whether that's on earth or in the star wars galaxy.

I forgot the first rule which is: Don't make jokes; it's too easy to misinterpret because people can't see and hear you for full context.

Okay, so my understanding, as I fumble through my own sexuality, is that bisexuality factors gender into attraction and pansexuality does not factor gender into attraction. Example: as a bisexual person, the other person's gender is part of my attraction formula. If I was pan, gender would not be a part of my attraction formula.

In Star Wars, I use pan to say that some people don't factor species into attraction. Leia has a line in Princess of Alderaan along the lines of "only human males for me", and Holdo is surprised. That's basically how I conceptualize it. I hope that makes sense. Obviously everyone is going to have a different way of thinking and talking about it, because we're human.

I do appreciate good faith questions very much.

As for "default", I do realize there isn't really a default sexuality. However most people will assume straightness until provem otherwise, because we're still working on it as a group.

(I am currently on tumblr mobile because I'm on a cross country train, so if this still doesn't cover everything and you want further clarification, please understand that data is limited and I'm not used to the mobile platform.)

[totiredtowrite]

Dysphoria Comfort Headcanons

Warnings - cursing, dysphoria, mentions of insecurity

Note: Reader is transmasc and it's geared towards ftm, but I threw in some gender fluid stuff too. I'm not well versed in genderqueer or demi, or other things along those lines, so tell me if I do anything wrong pleasee

Characters are Kyotani, Matsukawa, and Daishou

Transmasculine Reader - Fem Readers DO NOT Interact.

Kyotani Kentarou

Lets be real, he's a bit of a dunce

like I'm not saying hes stupid, he just doesn't understand much lol

So when he confessed to you and you started fidgeting, he thought he did something wrong

Essentially you were worried that he wouldn't want to be in a relationship with you once he found out that you're trans, so you got a lil worried

Bc essentially you pass very well at school and wherever, so you just didn't tell anyone

And now you were worried about that

So you just kinda come out to him then and there

and he goes 'okay'

Like literally his face doesn't change from 😐

he's like "so you still wanna date orrrr"

Yeah man doesn't care

I swear to everything that this man is pansexual

So onto the comfort part

For ftm readers firstly

If you feel uncomfy or too feminine or just overall awful, he'll try his best

And by try his best I mean curl his whole body around you

(even if you're taller)

He jus wants you to forget about it n feel better :(

he isn't good with words at all so instead he uses action yk?

If he knows that you're feeling dysphoric or sad he'll either A, follow you around like a dog to see if theres anything he can do for you, or B, cuddle you half to death

And those things also carry over if he has a genderfluid or nonbinary partner

If his partner is genderfluid, he'll try his best with the pronouns

Theres no saying he wont mess up, (ofc), but he'll feel pretty bad about it and wait on you the rest of the day

And same thing goes for a nonbinary partner

Loves you regardless, tries with pronouns if you're genderfluid, enby, or really anything on the spectrum

Matsukawa Issei

Why are there like no matsukawa gifs

anyways

ISSEI

Ftm reader for the beginning

before he even confesses, he knows bro

Takes one look at you and goes "oh yeah, that's a trans guy"

And he doesn't really care all that much

Sure every once in a while he's like "so he don't got a dick 🤨" and then moves on with his day

He didn't care too much until you joined the vbc as a manager

And then he was like "Okay I like this one"

Man just accepted that he thought you were cute and moved on with his life, just now crushing on the cute manager

I would say he confessed very casually on a walk home or something

COMFORT NOW

So Matsukawa, out of the three characters for these headcanons, is probably the most chill

If you're feeling dysphoric, just tap on his shoulder or something and he'll know whats up

Even in front of the team, he won't out you if you didn't come out

He understands that it's your choice and nobody elses >:(

And, for those who need to hear it, you're still valid even if you haven't come out to anyone

Whether you pass or not

Now for my ftm readers, (really also afab nb/genderfluid or whateva), You just know that he's the best when its that time of the month

Like the best

He'll go out and get you gender neutral supplies if you don't have it/are too nervous too, he'll buy you shit, everything

And with genderfluid (afab or amab yall both valid asf) readers he'll make sure that you have whatever you need to feel comfortable on any given day

I think he'd be a lot better with pronouns than Kyotani, cause he thinks more before he speaks

And for anyone else on the wide gender spectrum that I missed, you know he'll do good for you too

AND AND

If you use all pronouns he'll def mix them up a lot and not use one set of pronouns for too long if you don't want him to

Daishou Suguru

Now I know that he can be conniving and infuriating, but all I see is some awkward dude

He can be soft come on

So I'm gonna say you came out to him after you'd already established a relationship

And Daishou was WORRIED man

Like you were fidgeting and not making eye contact

He was like "this mf boutta confess to cheating or smth 🤨"

Lemme tell you, when you came out he was beyond relieved

But he was also like "oh nooo my baby thought we'd break bc of this :((((("

Makes it his mission to prove you wrong

Bc he really does care about you and whatever you need, he's there to help

If you are afab and don't pass, he'll do whatever he can to help you make that transition

Help you pick out new clothes, if you need a new name he'll make suggestions, he'll start introducing you as his boyfriend or his partner depending on what you're more comfortable with

And if you're amab/afab and use a multitude of pronouns/are genderfluid, he'll help you with whatever you need there too

I saw this thing once where someone made three different colour bracelets for their genderfluid friend, and depending on which colour bracelet said friend wore they knew what pronouns to use

I think Daishou would do something like that

He's sweet when he wants to be

He's very accommodating for whatever you need

And will also punch someone if they misgender you on purpose or be transphobic 🥰️

~

Do not repost, translate, or copy my work on to other platforms.

[deciphertheriddler]

Why I made my Riddler pan when I'm actually a bi Riddler truther; the headcanon:

While I will tell you and everyone else that Riddler as in the character that DC created and most of his iterations are bi very bi nothing more than bi - and I'd potentially say the Dano version is as well - for my blog I decided to go a different direction for a few reasons.

I always talk about how his lack of self perception shapes him and that many things that should be obvious to him, aren't. He will give mixed answers about a variety of topics and his sexuality is one of them. It isn't something he thinks much and when asked directly, he will even give answers that makes no sense (ie saying he's homosexual when it's known he has relationship with woman, answering straight after clearly flirting with men). So, his sexuality, the definition at least is a meta answer, one I can give but he probably won't or can't.

Another topic that is important is that he also doesn't perceive gender very strongly. For him or for others. He follows society structures, but he accepts them as guidelines that other people do, that aren't exactly tied to gender.

He doesn't tie something he likes in a person to their gender presentation... He mostly won't even be able to tell you what exactly he likes, in general. He doesn't know if he has a type. He simply likes a person - and then he will be able to say everything he likes about the specific person.

Edward himself is... Probably more on the non-binary spectrum. Specially because he has trouble analyzing himself and figuring out how detached of gender he is.

So, with all that in mind, I think the pansexual label explains Edward's sexuality a bit better and will give more the idea I'd like to pass. (Please note that if you think the difference between pan and bi has anything to do with liking or not trans people, that's biphobic of you, please research better the bi movement)

[extremeexhaustion]

One Piece Pride Headcanons

Straw Hats:

Luffy- Demisexual, Panromantic, and Genderflexible; Luffy's concepts of gender, sex, and romance are drastically different from most as he grew up in unusual circumstances. He's only been shown to display sexual interest in people he was close to (ex. Nami vs Hancock, Franky in one scene in a filler episode). There is a little projection from me as a demisexual individual starving for a character to relate to. You know this ray of sunshine is full of love for everyone and everything. I highly doubt gender matters to him when it comes to romance. On the same note, isn't overly concerned with pronouns used towards him or what others view him as (ex. had no issue using a feminine name like Lucy or trying on a dress). May take this oblivious rubber person a few tries using pronouns besides he/him to realize you're talking to him, but will respond once he realizes this.

Zoro- Gay, Demiromantic, and Cis; no sexual interest shown in woman (didn't join the peeping on Nami & Vivi). A respect for woman and attraction to them is not the same thing. Zoro clearly values loyalty and honor which gives me the impression that he wouldn't date just anyone. Feeds my Zolu soul as he only follows Luffy and treats him as his sole superior besides maybe Mihawk. Tries to act blasé about gender, but has clear ideas of gender clearly drilled into his mind. Fine with being a man and identifying as such.

Nami- Lesbian, Homoromantic, and Cis; has no signs of wanting to be a man despite pretending to be one for a few episodes. Nami has had reactions to two female characters where she showed a level of physical attraction to them. She has also shown no interest in dating or the looks of men. Sure, she has flirted with men, but it was more to achieve a goal. A means to an end and not attraction. She has only been fairly sweet to female characters with the main one being Vivi (one of the first F/F ships I ever had). How she reacts to the crew, it gave me the vibes of an annoyed lesbian tired of the others.

Usopp- Bisexual, Biromantic, and FTM Trans; well I got roped into the cult of transman!Usopp. I cultivated my own idea that he makes his own T as he's an expert with chemicals and he grows a plant that creates seeds that have a stronger effect than his previous chemicals. Maybe that it even changed his anatomy. Haven't thought much on it. Our boy here has only shown interest in women so far, but he also has an interesting attachment to Sanji. I'd say with Usopp's curious nature that he'd at least be willing to try dating/having intercourse with a man.

Sanji- Bisexual, Biromantic, and Cis; I think it's fairly clear that he has attached much of his identity to being a man and Judge wouldn't been decent enough to call a trans child by their preferred pronouns. Sanji is a loving and passionate man. Once he works through the gender trauma from his childhood, he becomes more open to his attraction to men. Still has a preference for woman, but does have feelings for the occasional man.

Chopper- Questioning; he is only a teenager. Baby doesn't have to know what he likes yet. He does careful exploration like when he's trying to make a new medicine.

Robin- Pansexual, Biromantic, and Demigirl; I wasn't sure what to peg Robin as but hetero/cis was not it. Like Usopp, our resident archeologist is fairly curious. I'd imagine she'd be open in terms of sex and romance although she's a little more cautious about who she dates. I also think she wouldn't have issues with being referred to in a neutral or masculine way, but she leans more towards being a woman.

Franky- Heterosexual, Heteroromantic, and Cis; a straight that's doing okay and is a wonderful ally.

Brooke- Heterosexual (flexible), Heteroromantic, and Demiboy; secure enough in manhood to have messed around when he was alive and has some gender hangups due to skeletal state.

Jinbei- Heterosexual, Heteroromantic, and Cis; haven't seen much evidence to the contrary.

Others:

Law- Asexual and Aromantic; this man has never shown sexual or romantic interest in anyone. He just likes his select group and no one else which is why he had to be bullied into being Luffy's friend. I swear some of you guys just ship him with people cause you think he's hot. Personally, I love the trope of the Tired Asexual(TM) just trying to keep everyone from dying. I know it's not a common one, so I take it where I can get it.

Kiku- Canon MTF transgender; shown improvement of Oda's former bigotry; treated like a normal person; 10/10

Yamato- Canon FTM transgender; shown improvement of Oda's former bigotry; treated like a normal person; 10/10