#not with my skills level i fear
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My toxic trait is being unable to stop when I start making photos. The way you can see the same position from different POVs mesmerizes me too much. (Yes, this is the same position.)
However, I think this one is my fauvorite because two men holding hands counts as public indecency which is totally unacceptable for general audience and therefore should be covered (lol).
#vc dolls#lestat de lioncourt#david talbot#stupid things i do#lesvid#someone recently told me lesvid sounds like the new covid#and i was like “nope it's not that contagious”#is there a way to make it contagious?#not with my skills level i fear#however#i know very few ppl care about this ship#but i love them your honour#i mean i really need to remember i have other dolls#but maybe not today
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Something I really love about the Silt Verses is how, in a world of gods and monsters, how grounded Faulkner's trauma [and relationship with his father] is. Especially as the season moves on, and the stakes amp up [and up] its so unexpectedly piercing to be presented with this exploration of childhood abandonment/negligence, inter-generational trauma, the indignities and stress that comes with unexpected elder care/early onset Alzheimer's. You're so locked in to these grander, more abstract concepts that your defenses are down! Mine were, anyway. TSV is so good at cutting its grand, complex plotlines with simpler [but not shallower] gutpunches, and it just grounds the whole thing.
#the silt verses#other moments on the list#[the list being small but emotionally devistating grounded moments]#include: the lights coming back on in the aftermath of the strike during hayward and carpenters conversation#and you just. intuit the devistation#after all that. after all the fighting and protest. the lights come back on. you can HEAR the screaming in the silence#Faulkner's whole elder care thing with his dad#where he has to reckon with him as a person who made mistakes#and put his own resolution aside to take care of a man he had complex feelings for#also the Faulkner's dad/trawlerman connection is crazy to me its crazy#oh you want to worship the god with the garden do you faulkner#you want to be this gods enterpriter and favorite#what did your father do again?#oh also the god rocket scene#where we are put in the place of a sacrifice#the claustrophobia! the fear! the tinned patriotic speech! the narrowing down to a needle point of the overall themes of the story#the fucking microcosm of it all!#all the sandwhich shop scenes#the whole hotel episode#charity in the pub running for her life because CARPENTER reappears#also love how interconnected everything is#both carpenter and page knowing von#running back into charity#fantastic writing all round it's all so fucking TIGHT my god#the prose is killer the pacing is killer the acting is killer the STRUCTURE is killer#its just a fucking masterclass of storytelling like its just. GREAT#top to bottom.#like the sheer skill involved in making something like TSV#on all levels#is incredible I really do admire it
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he's got the fire and he walks with it
#utsukushii kare#my beautiful man#hira kazunari#kiyoi sou#hira x kiyoi#gifset#*brace's#//#not the first not the second not even the third nor the fourth person to associate hirakiyo to this song#but god am I the most annoying about it#this was made on a whim but I spent the whole night working on the coloring so I hope it doesn't look awful#I also had Hira's spirit hovering over me as a manifestation of my fear of not making Kiyoi justice. wanted to quit gifmaking forever#but now that is done I think it actually looks above my skill level so I'm very happy with the result#also!! especially for this occasion I finally learned how to make gradient text 😃😃#I got confused a few times and it took me an embarrassing length of time but look!! I did it!!#(for the theme of the set itself there is not much I wanna comment except ^*!!:-@*£shxbs@^& what a beautiful man what the hell)
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ADHD really does put everything at equal levels of importance, huh? Like I'll have an email I need to write that'll take maybe 10 minutes, and getting that done will alleviate 6 months of stress. Then I'll notice a sock on the floor I need to put away. Then I'll get the strong conviction that it's up to me to cure cancer. And my brain will tell me that I need to do all of them at once, start and finish them all in the time span of 0 seconds, and my executive dysfunction will throw up its hands and do none of the above.
#adhd#actuallyadhd#executive dysfunction#examples were courtesy of my partner. it made me laugh so hard because i've never heard anything more accurate#i'll read stuff like ''adhd makes it difficult to prioritize things!'' and i never paid that much attention because i was like#''i can easily sort things into categories. it's just the doing them that's the issue.''#but then i realized. that the REASON doing things is an issue is because it's not happening at the conscious logical level#it's happening at a nearly-subconscious rapid fire in-the-moment response time#i've been working a lot on my adhd these past few months & have also been meditating a lot lately and it's been making my awareness more an#more broad and precise#and at this point i'm wondering if this is straight up the cause of my adhd. the brain putting absolutely everything at the same ''URGENT#URGENT URGENT'' level. since i can't do everything in the world at the same time at infinite speed and perfection#i'm thrown into ''freeze mode''. and that's also why we've learned to weaponize fear against ourself as a motivator. because it forces the#task we're trying to do into front view. makes it take priority over everything else we're scared of not doing.#we've been working on a lot of useful coping skills. haven't entirely figured out how to manage this yet but the awareness itself has#been very useful.
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okay but what if fiddleford helped mabel with waddles after regaining his sanity, teaching her the proper ways to care for a pig and all that
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Fic idea were after multiple failed attempts to prevent the war by traveling back in time, on Springer’s last jump the timemaze breaks and leaves him stranded. With seemingly no other choice, he must seek out the original creator of the timemaze, Tarantulas, to recreate it. Right now in the current timeline Tarantulas is still known as Mesothulas and has yet to be thrown into the noisemaze. Springer figures he can work with this and convince Tarant- scratch that, Mesothulas, to help him. However upon his arrival he is greeted by the sight of Impactor’s ship and realizes that he’s too late and Meso is already being deal with. Lacking time or options, Springer ambushes Impactor and steals the suit needed to pass Meso’s radioactive moat, off of him.
He then retrieves his own past self, which is an admittedly eerie experience, and rescues Meso from the noisemaze. Springer sets up base at an abandoned wrecker hideout. When Meso finally comes to, he is immediately hostile towards Springer once realizing that it’s not prowl in the suit (which springer continues to wear to keep his true identity a secret) and demands answers for various rapid fire questions such as: “Where’s Ostaros? Where’s Prowl? Who are you? Where am I?”.
Becoming even more visibly agitated when Springer refuses to give him any straight answers. Meso only calms down and start to co-operate, when springer brings out Ostaros. Who is smiling without a care and seems quite happy to be here.
From there, Meso enters into an uneasy agreement to build whatever it is this stranger wants so badly, in order to ensure the safety of him and his son. All while fully intending to just find a way to murder him first and then escape with Ostaros of course.
Like a puzzle, Springer is only giving small and vague pieces of the machine that he wants meso to rebuild. In hopes that this will keep him from figuring out what Springer wants and learning how to create time travel. Meanwhile Prowl is at his wit’s end trying to find out where Mesothulas and Ostaros are now, and also the identity of the mysterious bot who took them.
#Springer#Tarantulas#Mesothulas#Ostaros#Transformers#transformers idw#I want to write this so bad but I fear I need to level up my writing skills severely first :(
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every second i spend not making a twisted psychological horror is a second wasted
#my little fucked up brain wants to make little fucked up things but i CANT because i have no motivation to finish ANYTHING EVER#and i also have like zero of the skills required to make the things i wanna make#but the CONCEPTS wont stop FUCKING ROTATING AROUND IN MY HEAD:(((#growlllll#please i just wanna take the basic outline for a horror concept i really really like but then make it actually good#because they fucked it up horribly#well not horribly it just wasn't good#but theres SOMETHING IN IT PLEASE JUST LET ME MAKE IT GOOD#SHAKING YOU#IT HAS SUCH POTENTIAL:((((((((((#man if i had a nickel for every horror comic i read that had some aspect of EXCELLENT horror but they absolutely fumbled the rest#id have two nickels#well actually i dont know if theyve fumbled one they still have the chance to pull through (dont read this im talking about dont read this#the other being everything's fine#ofc#that is the one i REALLY want to take the general concept of and make it better#and by general concept i mean literally nothing in the actual comic and just the ads i got on youtube#i want THAT SHIT#that shit scared me SO FUCKING BAD IT WAS AWESOME#god the fucking dog scene im still not over that#that scene with voice acting + sound effects was HORRIFYING#ESPECIALLY without context holy FUCK#to instill the level of fear that gave me is a DREAM#the whole concept of everything seeming just slightly off#eventually ramping up to genuinely horrible senarios#and for everyone to just pretend it isn't happening#is SUCH. A GOOD. IDEA.#i will NEVER not think thats cool#i just WISH they had lived up to those ads man#the comic was surprisingly disappointing imo
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I could start a conversation on how a good deal of personality disorders seem to arise from a child being unable to grow out of their childish worldview due to an unsafe environment, but I'm not sure if Tumblr is ready for that
#a child's fear is comparible to the level paranoia works at#a child is not capable of prioritizing others#children don't have emotional regulation skills. etc#and this is not me calling people with personality disorders childish. more like... stunted development. its what it feels like at times#I feel like my personal growth was stunted. and now my brain isnt as elastic anymore its old and stubborn#eh.... no theres a worthwhile conversation to be had here there really is. but im putting a pin in it for now
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*grits teeth* Skyrim is a fun game and I'm having fun
#the issue of course is that i got too good at it#but the anniversary edition presented a solution to this: survival mode! much more difficult!#and so that's what i've been playing#so i'm going along i'm playing my game#i finally make the trek up to winterhold to join the college#now. for those unfamiliar with survival mode.#you can't fast travel. you CAN hire carriages#so i take a carriage from whiterun to winterhold and it's fine and it's good#i get to the college and the lady asks me to perform the fear spell as my test into the college#issue: that costs 133 magicka and i only have 110 :clown:#i find an amulet of zenithar to increase my magicka by 10#but i'm still 13 magicka away from casting the spell#so i figure. okay. fine. i'll level up#because i really do NOT want to leave winterhold while i still have business here#cuz there's no carriage i can hire to take me away#and i know the trip is gonna be HELL cuz it's SO cold#and the colder you get the less health you have and the slower you move#so i look for skills that are relatively low and i can level up in a town like this#there aren't many#but! i haven't done any pickpocketing! so i get to work camping out and leveling up that skill#which is how i ended up here: repeated pickpocketing the same woman and when i get caught loading up an old save#i've failed like 10 times in a row even though i have a 59% chance??#skyrim
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you know I had a conversation today that made me realize that perhaps analyzing symbolism in a film on the fly is a skill I have actually and not something everyone can just do. Did I sacrifice the mental stat of understanding any pop culture reference ever in exchange for esoteric knowledge of folklore and Death symbolism? perhaps.
#this is about a discord argument I had with someone about the boy and the heron#where the other guy (a writer also) didn't notice the fear of death and denied legacy theme#something which I felt was Extremely Blatant#but which was on some level conveyed through repeated symbolism and markers of Death#the guy said it felt to Alice and wonderland like. which is fair but#which was also funny because that's another work absolutely teaming with in your face allegory and symbolism#me (in my mind): I thought both of those works were like symbolism for kids the kind of story that teaches you to read symbols and allegory#kind of like how a picture book with a few words teaches kids how to read#but maybe I was incorrect and that is actually a prestige skill rather than one everyone just sort of gets by reading books and watching TV
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btw controversial but fuckk ptsd dude yohre telling me judt bc my parents shouldnt ever have been parents now i have to be fucked up for the rest of my life .
#i know like..coping mechanisms and ris8ng above and learning to live with it but like its fucking stupid and unfair bc im never gonna stop#having ptsd yk. my episodes might get less frequent i might build happier memories but jm always gonna have these memory blocks and trigger#s and nightmares like. forever. im never gonna get to have had a normal childhood thats the most fuckedbup thing ever#like ik this is whiny but like. why. why me what did i do to deserve that childhood. not that any kid deserves abusive childhoods obviously#it sounds like im like ermmm there r wayyy worse kids who shouldve been the ones to go to the zoo 💀 but like ykwim. why does#thus have to happen to so many ppl i hate it i hate it. i wish i could just Actually forget everything instead of just like. not rly#remembering it but Knowing it..yk. i know everything that happened to me even if its all blocked out#and i still feel like. the effects of it even the stuff thats jncredibly hazy to me. and jm never not gojng to feel that. my personality hs#literally been fucking shaped by the childhood i have and like. yes you can 'change' your personality a bit and your choices blah blah blah#but like. even with that. im still always gonna be like. my first impulse will always be distrust and doubt and fear. even if i train#myself not to Act on those emotions i still will always feel them. im always going to expect people to leave even if they dont even if i#dont let myself push them away its something im always going to be terrified of in the back of my mind. im never gojng to have#proper social skills bc i fully missed out on that stage of development im never going to be like. at the same level as my peers bc i#missed out on those skills. sigh. ik ik ik feeljng inhuman and feeljng different from everybody else is a jniversal thing but i truly think#im like. im missing something that everybody else seems to have and i dont even know what it is but i know i dont have it and everyone#can tell j dont have it and it fucking. sucks . basically
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Sucks that google image search apparently can't be filtered to only show results from before a certain date. Do you know how hard it is to find Good Omens fanart from before the TV show?
#Good Omens#nowadays there's the book omens tag but that's a post-tv show distinction#and I'm looking for a specific image I remember seeing sometime in the noughties#it influenced my mental images quite a lot#I looked through my deviantart favourites but it's not there#and I fear I may never see it again#I can't even effectively describe it#it was just headshots#Aziraphale had shoulder length hair and glasses#it's in a realistic style and extremely well rendered in my memory#but then my own skill level would have been much lower when I saw it#so it might not have been as impressive as I remember
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HAHAHAHA my executive dysfunction, anxiety, and brain fog of the last two years isn’t isolation related after all -- my thyroid levels are just too low :P
I swiped some of spouse’s old hormone pills (100 units) to double up my dose this week (I’m on 175 currently). It’s only been three days but HOLY SHIT the night and day difference it has already made. My head is so clear right now! I have the drive to do things again!! IT’S AMAZING!
I will be contacting my doctor next week to be like “hey can I get a higher dose now instead of waiting for our October appointment???”.
So um PSA for those who have thyroid issues (or don’t have one at all like me), when your doctor asks how your fatigue levels are, don’t just consider physical fatigue. Brain fog, sluggish thoughts, and an inability to start tasks all fall into the energy/fatigue category.
#this took me so long to work out#(Probably due to those sluggish thoughts :P)#but then I finally remembered when I was first diagnosed with problems in college that all my symptoms were in my brain#I really didn't have any of the visible symptoms of thyroid imbalance#and then I realized my sluggish thoughts and inability to recall words and struggles to process external information might be brain fog#and pulled my little experiment with extra thyroid pills#AND LO AND BEHOLD IT IS INDEED BRAIN FOG#not a regression of social skills brought about by the pandemic#not depression or long COVID from an asymptomatic infection I never realized I had#(which is my second biggest fear currently right behind a symptomatic infection that leads to long COVID :S)#NOPE#BRAIN FOG FROM LOW THYROID LEVELS#incredible
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God help me...
#ultimate archivist#nihonronpa#no promises yet#this is waaaaaay above my skill level so#I fear the trials
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#opened one of the recent versions of a math contest i used to do as a teen and oh my god the joy i felt at my old fun#bc if i can draw if i can dance if i cna learn a new skill without fear of being 'behind'#why can't i do it with math again? no ones stopping me from doing grade 12 level math#and ohhhh i missed these sorts of problems so much these sorts of toys#math contest problems is kinda different from studying math. contests are about finding clever tricks vs comprehension of concepts#but god did it for a second remind me of how much i loved math as a kid and how i still want to do grad school someday#personal //#tbd
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I will not fall into the trap of rewriting everything because my writing skills have improved since starting the work
#like it's now partially frustration at my previous lack of direction and lack of complex narrative purpose#which yes technically with this bit I don't actually need to have that but I would like to and can see what I can do#it doesn't help that the time I have spent writing this seems to have all smashed together into a big knot of sameness#I can do better. I want to do better.#I also don't know if keith's the right character for this. but it's his story he evolved with this story#and I also fear that if I change the character I will not use keith for anything and I don't want to because he's just a guy!!#he's just a guy.#and also I do think the character who would replace him would yet again be. very similar to the characters of kester#aka Whipping Boy (the shit he goes through man.) as well as snowy/teddy/jimmy/arthur (bitch syndrome)#it's mostly about the similarities to kester. and a couple of other characters you haven't seen yet because those stories are new#I'll tell you their names! one's raven he's a terrible dad (no really) one's just known as The Kid for now#because they're a kid. and they're edgy in terms of costume.#actually those stories and their specific reasons for being the way they are would make them distinct. it's just mostly. kester#and if you know why this would be you know.#sigh. it's boiling down to three things.#1. the fact I keep restarting projects because in the process of creating them my skill level increases to the point where I'm not satisfie#and keep starting over which is a death loop. it's something ik you should never do with comics n so on so why I'm even considering#it with writing I don't even know#2. I fear I will abandon keith as a character if I do what I'm beginning to think I need to#and 3. I fear the character who needs to appear in the story in its evolving direction is too similar to another character
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