#not tryna give anyone any false hope

[ask-shane]

Hey Marnie, got any scoop on Shane to spill? We won't tell him, promise hehe 😔👌

hey now, what are you trying to get out of me?

alright, alright... i guess i can let you in a little bit.

whispering apparently, he's got a bit of a crush on someone. i only heard it from the grapevine, so don't shoot the poor 'ol messenger. and definitely don't ask me for more details! this could be old news for all i know. thing is, i'm not too sure...

[dhwjoonwoo]

hello! my name is chey (she/her, 21, gmt-5) and i’m bringing you kang joonwoo, your local peter pan. he’s not so thrilled to be here, but his writer is, so do with that what you will. i’ve got a pinterest board for him here, his stats page here & some plots coming soon! please do let me know if you’d like to plot orrrr just give this post a like and i’ll dm you asap!

joonwoo’s personality is quite similar to the disney version of peter pan  —  headstrong, adventurous, protective, brave, fun-loving, caring, mysterious, hotheaded, insecure, loyal, artistic, selfless, daring and charming are all words that describe him very well. there’s a childish arrogance to him at times that appears as a belief that nothing can truly harm him and he’s capable of anything (which often results in risky behavior), but overall, he’s... responsible? at times?

quite friendly & can get along with almost anyone, so long as they treat him decently. he has a strong distaste for hateful/cynical people, though, and will not attempt to be friendly if he knows it isn’t worth it. has a tendency to get into fights, but the reasons are always justifiable in some way. will not throw a punch just for fun.

in love, he has a reputation for being romantic but noncommittal/unattainable (iykyk). in other words, he’s a pro when it comes to handing out false hope. doesn’t necessarily intend to do this, but he loves to be admired and will happily bask in attention without making it clear that the feeling isn’t mutual. doesn’t really believe in love anyway because (1) while he is a rebel...... boy’s not tryna face tragedy and (2) every time he tries to date, his partners break up with him because he’s “fun for the moment, but has no long-term potential” which is.... fair.

is kinda flirty ~just for fun~ which is also...... not good.... but it is what it is.

he awakened as an infant due to the fact that he died of natural causes. somewhat similar to peter pan’s story, he was orphaned at a very young age because his parents had a second child who “took his place”. he was old enough to understand what was happening and consequentially has a distrust of parents (especially mothers), despite the fact that he eventually became a father figure for younger kids in the orphanage. also has abandonment issues + commitment issues but we don’t talk about that <3

in school, he was extremely loud and difficult to miss. he made his presence known, especially in his teenage years & frequently raised hell on behalf of mistreatment/bullying/whatever else he saw going down. kinda acted like a parent even in high school in the sense that if teachers were treating a student unfairly, he’d scold the teachers like an angry parent would LMAO. teachers didn’t like him much but that’s ok because he hates authority anyway.

also played basketball + ran track. anything to stay active.

has camping/survival skills such as building shelter out of twigs and branches, identifying plants/finding ones that are safe to eat, bird calls, naturally filtering water, tying knots, treating wounds with nothing but natural resources, etc. perfect camping/hiking buddy.

he’s current a grad school student! he’s studying childhood development + early childhood education. used to babysit for families on the island, but after obtaining his bachelor’s degree, he got a job as a part-time daycare supervisor. in between part-time work and part-time studies, he volunteers with exceptional children. mainly does big sibling type volunteer work but also volunteers with teaching on occasion.

obviously his world revolves around kids LMAO but he also likes things like hiking/camping (as stated above), playing guitar, playing games (video games, board games, any games!), telling stories. pretty enthusiastic guy, can appreciate anything.

the general perception of him is that he’s far too immature for a twenty-five year old man, but he’s still generally liked because of the fact that he never seems to mean any harm. known for being considerate and willing to go to great lengths to help others. the guy that people can come to when they need a smile, a laugh, or unbiased ears to listen to a story. will try his absolute hardest to brighten dark days and restore youthful enthusiasm for life.

while he is definitely immature, he’s not as immature as he’s made out to be. in fact, the way that he grew up made him mature very quickly and his current job demands responsibility. buuuuuut he’ll never argue when people claim he’s just an overgrown child; overall, that’s everything he aspires to be.

impulse, reckless, adventurous. come get into some trouble with him!

[raph8sblog]

🤍Dreaming of You🤍 Part V.

You didn’t remember how you managed to find home after that night, but one thing surely stucked in your mind. You thought, you maybe just imagined the whole situation, he truly disliked you why would he ask you to be his fake girlfriend just to make up for the sasaeng attack and help you get close to Felix again? You honestly didn’t believe it that this whole fake dating is a good idea. It’s useless at this point. Still, you couldn’t get out of your head. Maybe, he is right and you should give it a try? 

Hyunjin is so handsome and popular, that there is no one on this planet who wouldn’t want him to be her boyfriend. Felix never seen you with another boy before, also you guys never talked about your love life because every part of your life revolved around him. There is a chance that you can make him jealous with that? If there is really a slim chance, you have to try it just for your pride. But isn’t it better just let it go after all these suffering? 

Your phone’s ringtone brought you back into reality:

- Halo? - you asked, still sleepy. 

- Y/N, where are you? - all the tiredness eventually gone, when you heard Hyunjin’s voice from the other side: 

- Why is it important for you? - he just sighed at your incomprehension. 

- Do I have to explain it again?! Tonight, you should come over to the dorm! I want to introduce my new girlfriend. 

- Listen Hyunjin, I don’t think that I’m able to do this. Yesterday, maybe I drank a little bit more than I had to. That’s why I agreed on it, but now that I’m sober I see things differently. 

- Nope, there is no coming back! Y/N.... I was so generous that I offered you this once for a life time chance and now you say that you can’t do it? You have to realize what a kind person I am! - “Kind, my butt, you annoying prick!” - you thought to yourself and tried not to say out loudly: 

- You have to ask someone else! Just let me die in peace from sadness, okay? 

- Nah, you come over tonight and wear something fancy, like yesterday, also do something with your hair! It looks gross! - you almost chocked on your own saliva, this boy seriously, you just want to slap him: 

- Wa... Wait...

- Okay, then let’s meet at 6 infront of the building! Bye-bye honey! - he said with a cheerful tone and then, hanged up the phone. You wanted to scream from your building nervousness. There is no way, that anyone can believe this absurdness! You are not even at the same level with Hyunjin, how can you make a glow up till your encounter? You have five hours to do something with yourself and look a little bit more pretty than your usualself. 

This might won’t be a bad idea, you hoped Felix will see you in a new light after tonight. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You were a little bit more lucky today, because one week before, you made an appointment to a hair salon. Your hair was freshly dyed and perfectly adjusted, also you was wearing one of your new clothes. It was a white, sleevless mini dress, with heart patterns but because of the weather you underneath it put a pastel pink blouse on. Also, you did your makeup as well. At the last minute, while you were waiting outside of the dorm’s building shaking from the cold and because of the excitement in your uncomfortable higheels, you realized that now you are really doing this and from now on you have to do your best and use your so far non existing acting skills to make this whole fake dating an ostensible true one. 

Hyunjin came right on time, he was so good looking that you almost forgot about the fact, how much you disliked him a moment ago. He was also suprised, that you looked different than usual, and this different look absolutely made you stunning: 

- Y/N, you are not that bad looking after all... - you nearly smiled at his compliment,  when he opened his mouth again: 

- But of course, you have to try harder... See, this is what I’ve been talking about, Mia and I would look fantastic together but now, they are just an average couple and you and I... Well, it’s better if I not speak about it. - you pinched his arm, and he cried out from the sudden pain: 

- Who do you think you are?! What if you left a mark on my soft skin?! I will break up if you do this again! 

- I will be the first one who dump you! Why are you always act like a dramatic diva? Stop it please! 

- Y/N we just started this but you already dancing on my nerves! - you shook your head and turned around: 

- I will leave then! - unbelievable! He is so rude, regardless of the fact that you have to make a plan before going inside because you guys have to face with a real cheering couple. Namely Felix and Mia were chilling at the dorm because they didn’t have any practise this afternoon and after he told the boys about their relationship, the dorm became a safe place for them. 

- Okay, be happy! Sorry Y/N, now pretty please behave and be a little bit more cooperative. - you gave up,  being offended won’t make things better: 

- What should we say first? 

- I will do the hardest parts, you just have to follow my lead and nod to everything! Uhm... - Hyunjin hummed, while he was searching for something in his pocket: 

- You need to wear this. - he put a silver ring in your hand, your heart sinked: 

- Is this, some kind of joke? 

- No, it’s matching! - he showed up his forefinger with the exact same ring on it: 

- It’s so cheesy and cringe worthy! - you complained. 

- What did you just say Y/N? - he asked in a faked kind way, which made you shiver: 

- Nothing Hyunjin, just please can we get through this before I change my mind?

Being in the elevator, waiting for to reach the floor where the dorm was. Probably became the most nerv wrecking moments of this day. When it’s finally arrived, both of you took a deep breath: 

- Ready? - he asked you in front of the door, you just quickly nodded with fear in your eyes. 

It was strange being here again, but with a totally different aim, not with the intention to visit Felix. So, you were standing there, when the others finally realized that somebody entered the dorm. Felix was the first, who turned his head towards you. He was laying on the couch, with Mia in his arms, they were playing video games together. You tried everything to keep your calmness but it was difficult. “Do you really wanna do this?” - the question repeated itself all over and over again. 

- Y/N! - Felix stood up from the couch and rushed to you, his happines was wriitten on his face: 

- Did you read my letter? That’s why are you here? I thought I’m gonna lose you, I’m so relieved now... - then Changbin also came out from his bedroom: 

- Y/N I’m so happy that you are here! Woah, do you feel better now? I love your new hairstyle! - you almost blushed at his comment but you were too nervous because of Felix. 

- Noona! - the moment, when Jeongin saw you, he covered his mouth and his eyes were in agape: 

- You look incredible Noona... 

- Hey Jeongin, don’t you have any homework to do, rather than playing the all grown up? - Changbin noted. 

- Hey guys! - Chan also came out to the living room, he quickly greeted you with a hug: 

- How is your injured head my aussie sister? You look stunning today as well! - then, Hyunjin got enough from your praising, also Mia, she was still sitting on the couch, sending death glares at you. The chill runned down on your spine: 

- I arrived home as well and no one care about me? - Hyunjin said with a false cute tone. 

- I would care about you but you lied to us! 

- Exactly when did I lie to you Changbin? - he asked. 

- You said, you are going to introduce your girlfriend as well! I don’t know, maybe I’m blind but no one came with you... 

- Really, imagine this Y/N he told us that he has a girlfriend after I revealed my relationship with Mia! - Felix was giggling but you still didn’t want to respond to him, firstly because you didn’t know how to answer after all: 

- Are you guys idiots? I came here with my girlfriend! - Minho was in silence, from the moment you two arrived but then he couldn’t stand this foolishness anymore and made a sarcastic comment for the situation: 

- Then, where is your girlfriend? She is playing hide and seek? 

- Y/N IS MY GIRLFRIEND! - he managed to say it out loud but still it’s sounded hilarious. Everyone started laughing: 

- Wait, are you serious? - Chan asked, when he saw that you are not laughing with them: 

- Is it serious Noona? - Jeongin asked as well. Felix stopped laughing and stared deeply into your eyes: 

- I-It’s can’t be serious right Y/N? He never liked you! - you tried to form out a coherent sentence but you couldn’t reply: 

- You never heard that expression before that hate is almost love? 

- Hyunjin stop this nonsense, we all know it’s not true, am I correct Y/N? - seeing Felix’s astonished face was your main goal but now it felt a little bit different rather uncomfortable than satisfying: 

- It’s true! We have matching rings as well, like a proper instaworthy couple, see? - he grabbed your hand and show the rings to the others: 

- I don’t care about it! I want to hear it from her! Answer me Y/N pease say it’s not true... 

- What if it’s true? Who cares about them? They are just tryna copy us babe... - Mia added and rolled her eyes. 

- Then, is it true? - his face became paler, yours as well, but still you had to respond: 

- It’s true Felix. I’m his girlfriend now. Aren’t you happy? - you asked the same question as him, when he told you about Mia for the first time. He just listened to your words in a complete shock: 

- Can we talk? Come to the rooftop... now... - is he really planning to leave his surely annoyed girlfriend here and go up to the rooftop with you?

- Felix, don’t try to hurt her again! Because of you, she suffered enough! What do you want to do now? Y/N don’t go with him... - you just stared at the  ground, you were curious about what Felix is wants to say but you didn’t want to obey him: 

- Hyunjin, it’s okay, I can handle it, he is my friend after all, or he was once. 

- “Once?” So, now that you have a boyfriend? Am I forgotten? I was the one who introduced him to you! Also, you said you hate him, and he hates you as well! Why are you suddenly together with him? If he was a prick with you! 

- Don’t talk about him like that! - you never thought, not even your wildest dreams that you are gonna be on Hyunjin’s side against Felix. 

- Is he offending me? - he asked you, because you and Felix were talking in english. 

- Not important just let me settle things down, okay? I will go up with him now. 

- You shouldn’t Y/N, he is trying to control your emotions... Remember, what happened with you because of him! - “and because of you” 

- Don’t worry h... - everyone was watching at you right now, but you know that you have to say out to make things more offical and real: 

- D-don’t worry ho... hon.. honey... - finally, but your tone sounded like that you are cursing him not pet naming him: 

- “Honey?” - Changbin repeated the word in disbilief. 

- I will be right back. - Felix glanced at Mia and after back at you: 

- Follow me. - his voice was so deep and scary that the pace of your heart became faster. 

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was nice, being on the fresh air again, after all the drama. But, it was just the beginning of this craziness. The sun already went down, the sky seemed cold blue and unfriendly: 

- Do you planned this? Saying that you are hate him and dating behind my back?! I thought we are real friends, I told my secrets and you didn’t tell yours! What the heck Y/N? Are you gone mad? - you never seen him that furious before, it was truly scary: 

- Why is it so bothersome to you?! You are dating as well! You are happy as well! Then, why are you acting so immature? 

- Immature? Am I immature? You are the immature one Y/N! He is not your type, he doesn’t deserves you! - at this moment, your emotions break loose, you couldn’t hold it in not even for a second, it meant too much pressure, you had to tell him: 

- You are telling me that he doesn’t deserves me? I think you are the one, who never deserved me! I loved you Felix! Dammit! I loved you so much, the feeling even kept me awake at nights! Always worrying about you, always praying for your health, and career! I just wanted to see you happy and whole again! I hoped that you became famous and reach your dreams! I never burdened you with my love, I never wanted to bind you to myself... - you try to hold in, you didn’t want to cry, but it was impossible: 

- Y/N... You were in love with me... ? Since when? 

- From the moment we first met. I was in love with you.... I was in love with you when we seperated, and I was in love with you when we started to become friends again... I never forgot to love you, regardless of the distance. 

- You never told me about this!

- It was so obvious! You were just too blind to see, also maybe you didn’t want to see it, because then you would had to face with the fact and refuse my feelings! Of course it was more comfortable not to notice.

- No, Y/N... Let me explain it, did you read my letter? 

- No, I’ve deleted it. - you admitted. 

- What? 

- I was serious back then in the hospital... I don’t think we can be friends from now on.. I feel like, you just used my adoration and kindness because I always supported you and I always wanted to be there for you no matter what... When the saseang attacked me, you just thanked me that the victim wasn’t Mia. Do you know, how painful is your selfishness to me? You have no idea, what I’ve been through... - Felix looked at you and there were tears in his eyes, you gulped, you never imagined that you will see him like this, because of you he was crying? 

- Y/N, please... Listen to me just once... Quit dating with Hyunjin... It’s not real, I know it can’t be... He is not the right one for you. 

- You were the one, who is not right for me Felix.. Not him. - you wanted to walk away, but he grabbed your hand in panick to make you stay: 

- Let go of me! - you raised your voice: 

- Y/N you can’t do this with me, don’t go back... - he pleaded, but you didn’t listen just relased your hands from his and turned around: 

- Wish me luck Felix... 

- I won’t. I won’t say congratulation either, because I don’t want this relationship to last! 

[rkhendery-blog]

━ june 13th, 2019  •  school of performing arts

second skill : rapping to THE SEARCH by NF (1:35 - 2:30)

after he went all weeb rock in his extra skill part of the audition he’s relieved to hear he gets a break. he prevents himself from chugging down two bottles of water out of nervousness, knowing it’ll go right through him and he’ll have to pee during the next portion of the audition. the last part, he assumes, is probably demonstrating a second skill, like dancing or rapping, and he really hopes he gets to choose, because no way in hell will he be able to impress anyone with his simple dance routine. 

he takes his break, calming his nerves and telling himself that even if they do ask him to dance, surely his previous bits of the audition should help him overcome whatever low mark he gets in the dance department - and hey, not all idols are instantly good dancers, that’s what the training is for, right?

too soon, though, they’re ushered back into the room they waited in before at the very beginning, and guanheng feels his palms begin to sweat all over again. if he gets to rap, it’ll be fine, if he has to dance, he’s just worried it’ll override the rest of his audition and he’ll be an instant fail for the judges. 

so, when his names called, he crosses his fingers ins his pocket and follows the person out of the room and along the same corridor once more. into a new room, he’s beckoned, and thank god they ask him to perform either a rap, or a dance - he breathes a sigh of relief, answering in favour of rapping, and handing over the backing track he’d prepared. 

his steps into the centre of the room are a lot less unsteady than the ones that carried him down the corridor just moments before - he knows his rap skills are solid, and that he’ll be able to give a good performance now, the relief dulling out his nerves enough for his hands to stop shaking. 

he’s left in a few seconds of intro, and his body relaxes into the beat instantly, a looseness falling over him as the lyrics fall onto his tongue, ready to be spoken. 

been makin' a whole lot of changes wrote a song about that, you should play it i get scared when i walk on these stages i look at the crowd and see so many faces, yeah that's when I start to get anxious that's when my thoughts can be dangerous that's when I put on my makeup and drown in self-hatred forget what I'm saying, and

it’s a slow build up, filled with that gradually growing tension that makes you anticipate the drop, as the music is light, and the words come steady, almost like spoken word poetry, rather than a rap. his body moves naturally with the words, gesturing to the judges with a relaxed hand at ‘i look at the crowd and see so many faces’. he wonders if one day, again, it’ll be true - he’ll stand on stage and look out over fans like he used to. 

it’s funny how much the lyrics seem to fit his current situation - making changes could really relate to his situation with dejun and kun. he knows the lyrics talk about stages and crowds, but it can really relate to everyday life to. life has stages, like the classroom, the board meetings, the cafes, even the streets. putting on makeup and hiding behind a false persona; everyone does it to some extent. 

where'd the beat go? oh, ain't that somethin'? drums came in, you ain't see that comin' hands on my head, can't tell me nothin' got a taste of the fame, had to pump my stomach throw it back up like I don't want it wipe my face, clean off my vomit ocd, tryna push my buttons i said don't touch it, now y'all done it

the beat comes in, heavy, satisfying after the light build-up, and he bounces, moving across his ‘stage’, eyes on each of the judges as he spits out faster lyrics now. 

it’s true - he had a taste of fame, even if it was small. people knowing his name if they were in the right music scene, people screaming his name as he sang for crowds at least once a month. it was addictive, and at first it did go to his head a little - being ‘famous’ for teen boys was something that you could only ever dream of, especially when it all came seemingly as if by luck overnight. 

and yeah, in the end he threw it away for a boy. typical guanheng. of course, he could’ve stayed with any of his band mates after he was kicked out, but no, he chose to leave his band behind and move to a different country in search of the boy who still held his heart. 

he hadn’t even won the boy back in the end; was it worth it?

i can be critical, never typical intricate with every syllable, i'm a criminal intimate, but never political, pretty visual even if you hate it, i'll make it feel like you're in it, though you call me what you wanna, but never call me forgettable leave you deep in thought, i could never swim in the kiddie pool way that I been thinkin' is cinematic, it's beautiful man, i don't know if i'm makin' movies or music videos

everything speeds up, lyrics coming so fast he knows he needs to focus harder on enunciating every syllable, so it’s clear, and easy to understand even at speed. of course, he’s not even sure if the judges understand english, but he can’t very well rap in korean yet, at least not impressively. 

this song has a bit more attitude than guanheng would really ever put into his own music, since he’s much more of a passive, non-threatening type person. he’s never even been in a fight in his life, but the energy this song holds, and the anger that seems to hang on every word has to come from somewhere that’s balancing on the edges of aggressive. but it’s not the same as many rap songs these days - it’s not anger directed at someone, but more so anger at a situation, or at yourself, if you look deep enough. 

guanheng’s angry at a lot of things sometimes, but he’s the kind of person who doesn’t show his anger by getting angry, he just gets sad. he’s got a habit of blaming himself for everything though, putting all the responsibility and weight on his shoulders, even if it means he’ll end up hurt in the end. so, this, sounding angry, it’s a challenge for him, but he realised while practising that it felt pretty therapeutic. 

he’s cut the music off only a few seconds after he stops rapping, letting that sharp end, with the echo on the backing track after ‘videos’ stay as that powerful ending. compared to the song he chose to sing, he thinks it shows his versatility - it’s always nice to know a performer isn’t just a one-trick pony. 

so, once the music stops he bows to the judges and thanks them, takes his backing track back, and heads out of the room, somewhat in a rush to leave now that it’s all over, despite his buzz from performing. he doesn’t even stop to go to the bathroom on his way out (that water he drank having gone through his already anyway, despite his attempts to keep needing to pee at bay), he’s too eager to get out and be able to take a breath of fresh air. 

he hands back his name tag at the lobby, almost stumbling over his own feet in his eagerness to leave, and once he’s outside he stops dead in his tracks, sucking in a giant lungful of air. 

thank god that’s all over. 

[eerythingisshaka]

#Fictober Day 27

“Remember, you have to remember.”

(Panther!T’Challa x Reader)

Word Count: 5.9k

Warnings:  Gore, violence, smut, assault tw

Graduate school was proving to be more than a challenge for you.  You thought you were done with the 8 am classes, stress, overnighters, poor diet choices (when you remembered to eat) but that was your fault because why would a bioengineering major need the best in life to succeed?

Alas, here you were, taking the chance of a lifetime to further your education with the world’s most elite STEM student’s to continue to advance the potential of humanity, with a more diverse facet of people at that.

Your HBCU had expanded their STEM department, which thrilled you as you did not want to take your talents to a PWI.  You maintained a high GPA with honors as an undergrad and with a recommendation from one of your professors, you were practically begged to continue, with a full ride.  

The auditorium was packed occupants, buzzing and milling around for spots next to their peers.  You hadn’t arrived early enough to get a spot that you really wanted but there was an end seat at the front of the auditorium for you to take a spot.  

As you got your laptop powered up, the professor walks in hurriedly, typing in his credentials into his computer and starting the projection.  The schedule had his name listed as T’Challa Udaku, he only did his class during the Fall semester, and it was about Molecular and Genomic Evolution.  You heard he was a bit odd and he didn’t make it easy on anybody, so curving should be left at the door.  But you were focused and ready to get the year off right.

Once his set up was ready, T’Challa started things off.  “Ok,  good morning class.  I am Professor T’Challa Udaku. We will be spending the whole semester together to get our brains in gear for some appropriate learning and discipline.  Congrats to you all for making it to higher learning!  As you should have seen the syllabus lists….”

You look up from your laptop to study him instead, and getting a boost of educational motivation.

When class dismissed, you took your time to get ready to introduce yourself, making a plan once class let out.  Once the other overachievers came and went, you walked up to him.

“Professor Udaku, thank you for a really informational first day!  I’m really looking forward to working with you over the semester!”  You say beaming, offering a hand.

He smirks humbly, taking your hand firmly.  “Thank you.  I appreciate the compliment.  As you know, I am new here and look to be of service any way that I can.”

“Of course.  Annnd, even if you turn out to be a bit tough, that doesn’t bother me.”

“Good!  I’d categorize that as a good quality for myself anyway.  Nothing good comes out of something that is easy.  What is your name again?”  His hand still grasps yours.

“Oh, of course, (Y/N)!  Professor Udaku, I’m really excited to pick your brain.  I usually go to the office hours just for the fun of it even.  I love to go deep with the coursework.”

He smiles, pleased with your enthusiasm.  “Thank you, again.  And please call me T’Challa, I’m not that formal, though my accent would make it appear so.”

You giggle goofily.  “Of course, thank you.  I’ll see you Wednesday!”

He waves you off.  “Yes, hump day as I’ve heard it called.  Sounds good.”

T’Challa had assigned a reading for the class to discuss during the next meeting.  You go to the university library to read up as much as you could on the topic of the chapter and understood it pretty well, but you wouldn’t miss the meeting with T’Challa for anything else.

The library was as cold as the eighth circle of Hell, which was probably best; can’t be too comfortable while studying, or the books will start to resemble pillows.  It was almost 6pm, but being Fall, outside looked more like it was almost midnight.  You grab the bridge of your nose and check your phone for any missed messages.

Will I be seeing you later?

Just seeing him text you gave you a pang of arousal.  You straighten up in your seat and prepare a reply.

Maybe, I have office hours to go to first, remember?

Of course,  education comes first.  Just don’t be too long, ok?  I have plans for you…

You take a deep breath of longing as you set your phone down.  You didn’t want to be at his beck and call, but you cursed yourself for wanting so bad to abide by his request as well.  It was always a give and take, who held the authority in your relationship, but tonight it was going to be you.  No way in hell you were going to let business slide before pleasure.

Walking down the brick street you pass the few shops that are still open, advertising soaps, books, food, convenience stores, until you reach the cafe Professor T’Challa marked as his place for office hours on his syllabus.  The door rang as you opened it, activating a hello from the barista behind the counter.  You give a small smile as you look around the lightly populated business, searching for your professor.  The low lighting making it all the more difficult, you spot a broad shouldered gentleman with his back to you who resembled him.  You hated meeting people in places for this very reason.  What if it wasn’t him?  You’d be walking slowly to stare and smile at a stranger in the end.  

All the same, you take a deep breath and stroll over to his table in the corner.  You walk past and look around to have luckily found your target.

“(Y/N)!  So glad you could finally join me!  I thought you would be earlier due to your enthusiasm when I saw you last.”  Professor T’Challa says, smiling a wry smile at you as you take a seat.

“Well, I got a little too caught up on my self-studying, that I lost track of time.  But I hope I didn’t keep you waiting too long.  No other students saw you this evening?”

He shakes his head, picking up his cup of coffee.  “No, it’s typical though for this early in the year.  But come midterms,  I’ll be booked.”

“Well, it���s good I can get you while I still can.”  You smile, taking out your tablet.  

Professor T’Challa clears his throat.  “Did you want to order something?  I hate to have something and you don’t.”

You look up at him from the glow of your device.  “Oh, um, no that’s ok…”

“It’s really nothing.  I can just order and bring it here.  No harm, no foul.”

You look around the coffeeshop a little.  “Maybe that’s ok...just a green tea is fine.”

Professor T’Challa nods, getting up with energy to go to the counter.  You take the time to look over your notes, finding the highlighted sections that you wanted more explanation on.  When you take your eyes off of the screen, you see to women from your class looking at you over their drinks.  When you meet each other’s eyes, they look away giggling into their notepads and biscottis.  

Your heart drops when you recognize the behavior.  You look at T’Challa waiting as the tea gets made, without a care in the world.  He never came off as the bothered type, it made you nervous.  Why didn’t he seem to care about what others thought?  Did he have any anxieties or insecurities about anything at all that could cost him anything?

You couldn’t risk being there any longer with the gossiping females, so you begin to put your stuff away.

“Hey!”

You look up at the direction of the high pitched voice and see one of the women from the table across the way standing in front of you.  Even in leggings and a ratty hoodie, she appeared more gorgeous than you.  “You are so lucky to have a class with Professor Udaku.”

Your guards are turned up to the max as her voice dripped with snobbery.  “Yeah...he’s a great instructor…”

She nods dramatically.  “Mhm!  Teaches you a lot, I imagine.  A mature, educated man’s man like him should know...a lot of things, yeah?”

You shrug, standing up.  “That is his job and that’s why I’m here.  To get some study help, so is there anything more you needed?”

The woman looks away biting her lip.  “I just needed a little review from one of his students to help me decide if I should transfer myself to a course of his this semester.  He is raved about so much already, I think I could fall in line with him too.  A little after hours work to some things done…”

You click your tongue at her walking past her.  “It’s your life, your money.  Do what you gotta do.”

“Oooh!  See, what I said?  Must be good, she tryna keep it all to herself!”  

Walking out of the coffeeshop, you hit a jogging stride to get away from the area as quickly as possible.

“(Y/N)!  Hey, slow down!”

You recognized his voice, but didn’t think twice to stop.  You pick up your pace to round a corner and cut through the quad to get back to the main road.  As you huff along, you see someone coming from the side of your peripheral.

“Whoa!”  you exclaim, putting your hands down once you find out it is Professor T’Challa.  “How did you come up on me so fast?  And from that direction…”

“Are you ok?  I heard the last part of what that woman was saying, did she insult you?”  He puts a hand to your arm and you brush it off.

“It’s fine!  I handled it.  No big deal.”  You say, annoyed as you walk away.

Professor T’Challa walks beside you.  “Listen, I get it-”

You turn quickly.  “Do you?  Do you honestly, because I haven’t heard of anyone coming at you like that girl just did to me?  I could risk academic dishonesty or misconduct because of rumors like that.  You might could lose your job, but even if it’s proven false, I’m the whore and you are still the irresistible professor who finangles girls into dates.”

Professor T’Challa looks at you sourly.  “I don’t finagle ‘girls’.  Don’t use that kind of wording when you’re talking about me.”  You cross your arms looking at the ground in shame but refusing to apologize.

Professor T’Challa stares at you a moment before holding your tea out to you.  “Here, take this.”

You hesitantly take the warm, not spilled drink in your hands.  “How did you run without sloshing it around?”

“I have a very steady stride.  Can we continue this conversation in the privacy of my office please?  I don’t want to call attention to us, and I think it’s important we get past this before going down any other roads, ok?”

You sip the tea and nod as you both turn to the annex that his office was located in.  The building was empty, as no other professors would be there in their right mind, so maybe that was a call to his character.

As Professor T’Challa opens the door to his office, he switches on the light and gestures for you to have a seat.  The small office was surely a repurposed closet, but you take your spot in the chair across from his desk.  Professor T’Challa takes the stacks of folders and documents off his desk on the floor, to sit on the corner like a man of wisdom, hands clasped and all.

“(Y/N), what’s going on with you?  And I don’t mean that accusingly, I’m genuinely concerned.”

You shake your head looking at him.  “I don’t know how long I can keep this up without it getting out or without me feeling insecure about it.”

Professor T’Challa looks down, pursing his mouth.  “I had a feeling similar to that.  I figured you thought the same.  But...as long as things don’t get messy, it should be fine.”

“Well, shit, T’Challa.  What happened back there?  Was a whole damn pigsty of a fucking mess!  Someone I don’t even know, knows me and my business, I worry who else does?  Who would report me?”

T’Challa gets up to kneel at your feet.  “I understand you, completely.  Having a secret that you wish was more accepted and understood but accepting it a non-reality is just the world we live in.”

You make a whining noise while hanging your head down.  “This semester just started, and it’s already my worst.  We have to be more discreet!”

T’Challa takes your chin, raising your face to meet his.  “Discreet or not, I’m by your side.  There’s nothing that will keep me from you at this point.  You have my heart.”

You sigh, feeling your defenses falling.  “Are you sure some undergrad can’t come waltzing into your office asking for an A to tempt you?”

T’Challa kisses his teeth, standing up to go back to his desk.  “That’s another thing.  What is this ‘finangling’ business you speak of?  Like I am a casanova of students hearts.  I recall you being the aggressor in my office over the summer.”

You put your drink down, smiling all big as you walk up to his back, wrapping your arms around his waist to inhale his scent.  “It’s because you are such a professional, I had to make it clear how I felt.  I needed the study help as well, but we are grown after all.  And you impressed me so, I just had to take a chance.”

T’Challa turns around to face her with your arms still wrapped around his waist, he holds your face in his hands.  “I’m a slow learner believe it or not.  But I am glad I came around eventually.”

Your lips meet tenderly, audibly smack as your mouths open up to one another, exploring each others depths as your nails carve into his back.  T’Challa’s hips slowly grind against you, giving rise to his excitement.

“You think it is time we christen my new office?”  T’Challa smirks, gripping your hips to turn you around and lift you onto his desk.

You giggle, unbuttoning your jeans.  “These walls have to be about as thick as a strand of hair.  Is this the best thing to get into right now?”

T’Challa takes off his Henley sweater, before going to undo his jeans as well.  You’ve seen his body before, but it never fails to take your breath away at the width of his chest highlighted by his necklace resting upon it, firmness of his abdomen, and veiny paths winding his hearty forearms.

“Ok, point taken.”  You kick your jeans and underwear off quickly.

T’Challa raises his hands before resting them on your thighs.  “Ah ah, please.  Slow down, I want to savor this.”

Kneeling down, he pulls you forward to edge of the rickety desk, spreading your legs apart for proper dissection.  Your head rolls back as your pussy is fully exposed.  You weren’t sure if it was relieving to be uninhibited or more torture to be waiting for his touch, but you were ready to progress either way.

T’Challa’s eyes remained glued to your center as his lengthy fingers painted across your lips, spreading your wetness along them.  “This is what I’ve been waiting for all night.  I told you not to keep me waiting with the office hours, and here you are making a scene.”

You scoff, running your fingers over his curls to urge him closer to you.  “I’m not apologizing for my behavior.  You owed me a discussion, and I got what I needed.  Now, you can get yours.”  

T’Challa tweaks an eyebrow at you as move his head side to side, letting you take control as he unfurls his tongue, you pull his head into your center so he can go to work.  

You squeak out loud as he teased your opening with his serpent-like tongue, darting back and forth between your lips, holding you apart to keep your thighs from squeezing his head into pulp.  Your stomach contracts as your hips buck against his mouth while he flicks your clit like a light switch, coaxing a moan with every stroke of the tip of his.  His eyes smiled at you as your writhed from his mouth, he reaches to lift your shirt up along with your bra so your titties are hanging out for his enjoyment.  

You play with one of your nipples as you moan his name, no longer caring who heard you through the halls of the annex, before T’Challa stands to take his member in his hands.

“(Y/N), you know this is my favorite place to be; between you, inside of you, with you.”

You pull him down for a kiss, tasting yourself off of his lips as he plays with the tip of his dick against your vulva, eliciting moans between your mouths as the vibrations tickle each others lips.  

Entering you made time stand still a moment.  Both of you froze under the pressure of one another’s muscles; you squeezing around him, he expanding your walls.  Neither of you could barely stand it, but neither of you refused to call timeout.  You make moves first, bringing your legs around to try and lock your ankles behind him, making him laugh breathlessly as he leans on the desk to dig into you further.  You whine, pressing your hand on his chest, trying to breathe and relax around him but seeing his length inside you threatened to bring you over the edge.  

“Bast, how do you do this every time?”  T’Challa curses as he begins his rhythm inside of you, you grip his shoulders as you try to keep from seeing stars, but the climax was too good.  T’Challa grunts under the waves of your walls around him, coaxing him to cum at once, but he holds out.

“I’m glad I studied before getting here.  I ain’t reading shit after this.”  You groan, as he picks up his pace inside of you, skin to skin slapping happily your pleasure act.

“How far did you read?”  T’Challa asks looking at you in your eyes as he pumps you, biting his lip to maintain concentration.

You shake your head to think.  “Uh...fuck, I think halfway through 3? Ahh…”

“Molecular diagnostics?  Inspiring chapter…”  T’Challa groans, laying his head down to kiss your neck.

You hold him close.  “The strides made to be able to study….shit, the inner workings of the diagnosing deficiencies and diseases….God!...have made for a notable impact in lengthening life expectancies….Yes!  There, please, like that!”

T’Challa looks at you stressed, grabbing your hair.  “That is what I like to hear.  Your mind and body, in sync…”

T’Challa pulls out of you, you reach down to stroke him as he spurts his seed along your hip and thigh.  Feeling him in your hand, cumming onto you sent you into a sweet elation.  You both heave breathlessly as your love wafts in the air, pecking each other adoringly before dressing again.

“I think you will have a good semester with that christening you gave.”  You say pulling your shirt down and pants up.

T’Challa smiles, picking his pants up.  “It always was going to be.  No matter the situation, you have my attention.”  He takes your hand.  “You won’t have to worry.  I have your back, you just let me know about any other disruptions, and I can handle it this time.”

You didn’t want to think about it after the high of good sex, so you just kiss him and let him walk you home.

Hand in hand, your apartment was right on the edge of campus, which was ideal despite the less than appealing people you lived with.  It felt so good being with T’Challa, you almost forgot the area you were in.

“Hey!  I see you!  Hot for teacher, yeah!”

You both turn around and see some frat boy three sheets to the wind stumbling form a house.  “I love it, frankly.  My TA last year was so hot, it’s just a shame she couldn’t see how much of a catch I was.”  He takes a swig of his beer before breaking the glass on the ground.  

T’Challa steps up to him, pushing you back.  “I think it is time to go to bed, young man.  You have had too much to drink.”

The frat boy laughs in his face.  “Really?  Are you my Dad now, Mr. Rwanda?  You can’t tell me what to….”  As he lost his train of thought, the frat boy froze, staring at T’Challa in elongated horror before stumbling backwards and tripping to get back into his house and slamming the door.

You looked at T’Challa’s back in confusion, his back hunched, but not facing you, he appears to relax before turning to you again.  “Are we close to your house?”

You look at him suspiciously as he takes your hand.  “Yeah, but-”

“Let’s head on then.  Class is in the morning.”  T’Challa says quickly, walking briskly with you in tow.  

He refused to explain the situation, opting to pepper you with loving compliments and recollections of the escapade in his office.  It was a good distraction as you kissed him goodbye, promising to meet after the next class.

The following Wednesday, students pool into the lecture hall, awaiting the arrival of Professor T’Challa.  You sat in the front, getting your laptop out and opening to your most recent notes, ready to start your day.  You look behind you and almost instinctively lock eyes with that woman that confronted you at the cafe.  She is chewing gum, smiling and waving at you with fake charm.  You roll your eyes and go back to your laptop to wait for the start of class in as much peace as you could muster.

Except, class does not start for the next 30 minutes.  Students start to leave, because if they knew anything, they knew that class was automatically cancelled after a certain time frame of a professor’s no-show.  You sat there in confusion, pulling out your phone to text him as you gathered your things to leave.

“Well, you got him kicked out, huh?”  

You hated to look to the aisle for the source of this statement, but turned anyway.  “The fuck are you talkin bout?”

She shrugs, holding her hands in front of her.  Who wears heels to class, honestly.  “I mean, here you are, still probably washing the cum out your throat and he is not.  So if he can’t be yours alone, no one can get a turn?”

You step to her, taller despite her shoes.  “He wouldn’t want your loose, funky pussy ass any damn way.”

She makes an ‘o’ face, clapping her hands together.  “So!  You know what he likes!  Ok, well school a bitch.  You suck him off in between hours under the desk like a good little girl?  You setting the curve for the course with that ass, bitch?  Don’t know how you gonna graduate now though, surely you’ll have to suck some wrinkly white cock, which isn’t going to be as much fun-”

You grip her wig and snatch it from the top of her head ripping it apart.  She screams in horror and a wig cap, running and tripping up the stairs in her heels.  

“Don’t come back to this class in synthetic again, bitch!  If you had a scholarship, maybe you could afford better!”

The remaining students looked back at you in awe, but you ignored them.  She had it coming, and they knew.  You look at your phone, no reply.  You curse out loud, praying he really didn’t get kicked out for his interaction with that frat boy.

You spent the remainder of your day studying on your own, yawning as you check your phone.  10:30pm, and no reply from T’Challa.  You tried calling him but it went to voicemail.  You were beginning to worry, but there was not much more you could do than to wait for his call.  You pack your study materials and head out to get home.

The chill of the air, made you feel uneasy as you looked up to the sky.  Full moon, clouded over a little didn’t help the need to check over your shoulder every so often.  

“Heeeyyyy, baby!!  You walkin by yourself?”

“Fuck!  I don’t need an escort, thanks!”  You yell, picking up your pace as you walk past the trees along the conservatory.

“Ohhh, don’t be like that!  I can’t raise your grades, but I can make you feel better, no doubt!”  

You look over your shoulder to see the frat boy with two friends.  This makes your heart rate pick up exponentially as you begin to run.

“Fuck away from me, damn assholes!”  You scream, praying someone would hear you, but the campus was vacant along the environmental sciences side.  You run through the trees.

“We got a runner boys!  I love me some fast food!  Bet she tastes like chicken, come on!  WOo!”

You start to well up with tears, this impacts your vision as you run through brush and limbs, hoping you can shake them off, but their voices get closer and closer.

A limb on the ground catches your ankle, sending you forward against a tree trunk, hitting your head.  You roll on the ground in pain as you hear them clobbering towards you.  You attempt to get up, looking ahead of you to see some animal just a few feet away.  It was too dark to make out, but it was either a mountain lion or small wolf-like creature bounding towards you while you crawled away.  You were in tears now, between the guys behind you and the wild beast ahead, you weren’t sure which fate was worse.

“HEEELLLPP!”  You screech, not sure what else to do, you curl up, praying somehow you may not be seen.

“Whoa!  What the fu-”

The frat boy was cut off as you heard growls and the screams of someone getting attacked.  Looking behind you, the frat boy was being torn apart by the creature.  You saw blood.

“Shit!  What do we do, Mark?!”  One of his friends exclaim in despair.

Mark shrugs, “Fuck if I know!  Yell at it!”

They curse and try and spook the creature, but judging by the silence of the frat boy, it was too late.  The creature looks to Mark, aiming for him with claws and teeth.  Mark turns to run but is taken down from behind.

“Shit, Mark!”  The last standing guy looks to you.  “Stupid bitch, do something!”

You look at him blankly.  You didn’t mean to not help, you were just so frozen in fear.  Two people were dead and they didn’t seem worth risking your life over.

He takes out a knife and walks towards you.  “I’ll finish what you had coming.  Tell your boyfriend not to fuck with us anymore.”

Just a couple of feet away, he is brought to his knees by the creature.  Closer now, you could get a better look at him.  Glowing eyes, all black and furry.  Some sort of mountain lion for sure, possibly panther?  It was so large and brutish you couldn’t believe it to be of the cat family.

It clawed away at his clothes, exposing his skin which quickly turn red as he cried out for mercy.  Knife still in hand, he stabs the arm of the creature, making it growl a horrendous noise, before taking his head in his mouth.  The horrible crack of bone guaranteed an end to his defense.  The creature’s head snapped up, looking at you as it crawled towards you.  You crab walk backwards, not wanting to be next, but too shook to stand.  You could feel its hot breath on you as you sat there, closing your eyes.

“Please!  Leave me alone!  Don’t kill me, shit!”  You beg, tears streaming your face as you prayed silently for it to be over soon, whatever was to happen.  The creature snorts an exhale on you before you feel the cold air surround you once again, and a gallop growing quieter away from you.  You slowly open your eyes and see that it left you, sending relief over you that felt sweeter than anything else in the world.  You got up and found the strength to run home finally.  You didn’t want to call the police.  What would they think of her being in the woods with three dead white boys?  No way in hell you’re getting caught up in that.

Class began the next week, you make it to T’Challa’s class anticipating his absence only to be pleasantly surprised.  There his was at his podium like any other day made your heart swell.  You couldn’t wait to tell him about the day you had earlier that week.  Surely he heard about the guys, but he’ll be so surprised to hear your involvement.  You were so glad to see him, you forgot about being mad at his absence.

When class finished, you took your time packing things away as the last of the students filed out.

“Hey!  Where you been, man?  I tried calling you?”

T’Challa looked at you sadly, taking your hand in his.  “I know.  I shouldn’t have ignored you, but it was a trying week.”

You look at him worried.  “You too?  God, it’s the full moon, I swear.  Brings out the worst in people.  But I’m glad you are here, I really needed you this week though, and maybe you needed me from the sounds of things.  What happened to you?”

T’Challa stared at you, mouth agape.  “I...don’t want to talk about me.  Tell me your week first.”

You sigh nodding.  “Well, the day you weren’t here for class, I went to study late at the library.  Well, I go and walk home and that guy that came to you before when you walked me home?  He came onto me, with friends!”

T’Challa looked at his feet solemnly, biting his lip.  When he looked at you again, his eyes glistened with tears.  “I’m so sorry…”

Your face dropped as you took him into your arms.  “Oh, baby, it’s ok!  You didn’t know!  You can’t be everywhere at once!  I’m alright though.  It was just, a lot.”  T’Challa holds you as you pull back to look at him.  “It was crazy because, they were crazy and surely up to no good, but I’m from the city, I know how to get going, do I did.  But then this creature thing came and attacked them.”

“The three boys, they are dead…”  T’Challa wipes at his eyes.

You take his face in his hands.  “Oh God, you’re taking this so hard, I can’t even process.  T’Challa, if it’s any solace, they had it coming.  It’s a shame their lives are done, but they weren’t kind to me, even if one of them stabbed that thing.  It was the only thing not set to hurt me.”

T’Challa nods, eyes red and wide.  “Stop comforting me, it’s you!  I just...it shouldn’t have come to that.  But I couldn’t-”

You shake your head.  “You couldn’t do anything, it’s fine.  You had to do, whatever.  Even if you had come to class, what would you have done, huh?  It was three against one!”

You pull T’Challa to you, rubbing his back again.  “I’m just glad it’s over.  They were so vulgar, it was infuriating.”  He says.

You nod, taking in what he says you then become confused.  “What do you mean?  You weren’t there to know what they said.”

T’Challa pulls you back stammering.  “Uh, I just assumed the three-”

You rest your hands on his arms, focused on him.  “And how did you know it was three boys?  I know it made the news, but how did you know my creature story was related to that?  They don’t know what attacked them.  T’Challa…”  You squeeze his arms lightly, making him wince and walk away from you, rubbing his arm.

You step to him suspiciously.  “Oh, did something happen to your arm while you were away?  Let me see…”  You life his sleeve to see it bandaged, bleeding through the wrapping.  “God, that’s awful.  Did you get stabbed or som-”  You stop talking to peer up at him.  The room was eerily quiet as T’Challa paces the floor cursing himself, “Remember, you have to remember...”

“T’Challa, were you in the forest?”  He remains silent.  “T’Challa, what was that-that THING?  T’Challa!  What’s happening, you’re acting so damn guilty!”

T’Challa shakes his head, holding the bridge of his nose.  “This isn’t how you should know but...I reacted to the frat boy in a way that would’ve been the end of me here.  He just gave me a good reason to get rid of him.”

Your body froze over as you were transported back to that night, T’Challa’s hunched stance, him appearing out of the blue.  “Why weren’t you in class?”  you ask.

He sighs.  “Full moon.  The daytime is horribly painful for me as it comes on so I take the day until I...transform and…”  He holds his hands out in a voila kind of way.

You back up, hands shaking.  “You killed three people...in front of me!  So viciously!”

T’Challa walks up to you indignantly.  “What was the alternative!  Eh?  They take turns with you and take your life??  That was not going to happen!  It’s not my fault you ran in just the right direction for me to get things done!”

You cover your mouth to mask the sobs, breaking T’Challa’s heart instantly.  He holds his arms out to you, but you fall back again.

His eyes widen with sadness.  “I don’t know what to tell you.  I do not regret my actions because I told you I would handle things if someone bothers you, right?  I did that, and it is done.  Bast’s sake, I just hate you had to see it and find out this way.”

You sit on the step of the lecture hall trying to calm down a little, reevaluating how things transpired.  You weren’t afraid of T’Challa but this werewolf-type shit, what were you supposed to do with that?  

“Do you have control when you are…”  your voice trails off.

“As a panther, yes, I am still in my right mind to recognize right and wrong.  I would not have hurt you.”  He walks slowly to you, putting a hand on your knee.  “I would never hurt you, that is consistent.  But I won’t hesitate to protect you, at any cost.  You have my heart, and I want you to keep it for as long as you want it, because I will always want you.”

Your head plops on his shoulder.  “How long would you have kept this from me?  Meeting you over the summer classes, getting involved with me, you had so many chances.”

He shrugs.  “I honestly don’t know.  I just hoped I could be seen as normal forever.  This is by no means easy for me to keep to myself.  I didn’t want you to think I’m crazy or a monster.”

You look at him as he looks over at you, taking his hand.  “The last thing I see you as is a monster.  I was scared, but...you saved me, how can I be mad at that?”

You felt T’Challa relax as his lips met yours again.  In the quiet seclusion of the lecture hall, you had no clue what the world had in store for you both, but as it always does, time would reveal all.

[trippz2ill2ace8itout]

🔥🔥🥀🥀Hey xx my name is Izzy Magdalinoz-Martinez, and I am a drug addicted alcoholic with 2 years clean! I’m 22. I have 20 mental illnesses I know rock bottom, hell, trauma , pain, and darkness from top to bottom x I’ve been homeless 13 times, 215 mental hospitals , Trauma occurring 24/7 from 2001-2018.

Here's a list of my doctors diagnoses (they were actually diagnosed , DO NOT SELF DIAGNOSE)

•Bipolar, Schizo-affective, PTSD

OCD , ODD, ADHD, anxiety , depression

Insomnia , autism, anorexia

Attachment disorder , narcolepsy

Borderline personality , multiple personality. Dissociative identity fugue

Critically/clinically insane

Tardive Dyskinesia, body dyamorphia

Dissociative Amnesia

Depersonalization/derealization disorder

Intermittent Explosive disorder

Severe Brain Damage

🌙🌙🔥🔥🖤🖤🥀🥀HUGE TRIGGER WARNING🥀🥀🖤🖤🔥🔥🌙🌙

🥀🥀🔥🔥Hey my name is Izzy && I'm a recovering drug addict && alcoholic x This is the longest I've been sober being out of treatment. I've used mostly every drug there is. Been In 3 foster homes (2 out of 3 were abusive) group homes, unlocked and locked treatment centers, rehabs shelters, crisis centers. Short and long term treatment centers. And boarding cares , no home from 2011-2018 Which none will take me back cuz I've been there to many times. I've sold myself && got tortured abused raped drugged up for drugs and money to raise my unbio son, Anthony. I lost custody cuz of false accusations. I've had multiple near death experiences (some were suicide attempts && some were naturally done) my drug of choice was meth x Most of my life I've gotten abused raped, literally tortured and drugged up. Sold. Prostituted, almost killed. But no pity sympathy or attention pls.

a shout out to my unbio son that I raised as my own, Anthony Castillo-Martinez, I met him at one of the many abusive foster homes. Where it was owned illegally by Andrea/Angela && Jimmy Miller. We got tortured daily. They were not licensed foster parents. I met Lil Toni there and I escaped with him to meet up with Kimberly. We lived in a run down hotel in LA. I became homeless again. Toni got me through so much and even tho I can't find him (he's been gone for years) your my lil baby. I will always love u. U are my world and one day I hope to see u again. I hope you have a good home now. Going to school. Just doing well in general. And I'm sorry for you witnessing what Kimberly was doing to me. I love u babes with all my heart. 🖤

🔥🔥every day and night I deal with

20 mental illnesses

Vivid flashbacks 24/7 of the trauma that occurred 24/7 from 2001-2018

40-80 mental breakdowns all day and night

Not being able to aak for help cuz since I've been in 215 mental hospitals the next time I go I'm going to a state institution

Michael Alvarado Alvaro (my main demon) constantly tortures me

No options cuz: I've been in over 100 treatment centers none will take me back

Been on all medications (dosages, types, combinations)

Being the most high maintenance mental health case in the system of California

My dog slowly dying

My mom being constantly sick

Feeling like I dont belong anywhere

My psyical health is getting worse

-feeling weak

-blacking and passing out

-throwing up

-body aches

-memory loss

-constant headaches, stomach pains , nausea, soar throat , body numb

Narcolepsy

-ear aches , my whole body aching Sinusitis

Being overly sensitive / wanting to save the universe and everyone in it

Fear of telling people I'm not OK cuz:

I feel like a burden

It's the same thing over and over again

It gets tiring

I feel like my existinese is a waste

Being literally possessed by my demons

Being autistic

Not eating and not sleeping

Wanting to hurt myself

Wanting to end it

Wanting to escape

My family doesnt want me home

They would be better off without me

Constantly missing my un biological son Anthony

Hearing my torturours in my head

This is not for pity or sympathy

I'm trying.

Im here for all of u . My 2nd Number: 951-460-8418

Suicide Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Also u can text 711-711

Don't give up , u matter x 🔥🔥

60-80 mental breakdowns a day vivid flashbacks every day _ nightmares every night. Being a recovering drug addict/alcoholic.

215 mental hospitals, 3 foster homes, 2 were extremely abusive. , bouncing from unlocked, locked, short and long term treatment centers, group homes, rehab, residential, crisis centers, homeless 13 times. Shelters, most of my life I've been literally tortured, raped, abused, sold, drugged up, I sold myself/prostituted, got tortured and abused in every way possible. Sold drugs to get money to raise Anthony "Lil Toni" Castillo-Martinez (why I have the last name Martinez) who I met in one of the abusive foster homes and raised him as my own. Kimberly M. Olivarez was my deceased ex fiance, she made a false accusation that I gave Anthony drugs (not true at all) , CPS took him away. Kim tortured and abused me in any way possible. She called 60+ people every day and night to abuse, rape, torture , almost kill me. I have attempted suicide over 100+ times, my "dad" who I don't consider my dad abused me in anyway possible from age 4 till he died in 2011. I've been abused by several more people. I have been on every single medication for mental health, every dosage, combination, type. In every sort of treatment. They are trying to concerve me again, last time I talked to my therapist, doctor , treatment team etc they said my next admittion to the mental hospital they are gonna send me away to a state institution. Last time they concerved me I was past my 52/50 and I was at this one hospital, I was there for a few months I can't remember, they had a hearing then they took me to court. I already got my criminal record when I was under 18, they cleared it. I lied to the judge and then later on they took me off concerveraship . so let's say I'm suicidal , unsafe, I can't tell anyone cuz of what I just mentioned. When I was 12 years old I for sent to a level 14 (higher level of care) mental health, addiction, behavioral treatment center for over a year. They couldn't even handle me and they were tryna send me to a higher level of care, but that was the highest level of care. The state of California named me "the most high maitence mental health case in the system" from 2011-2018 I had no home. From 2001-2018 there was trauma occurring 24/7. My soberiety date is 9•18•2018. I have a name for myself from several people. Over 200. Have told me I "help everyone obsessively" I get told to put myself first but that ain't ever gonna happen. I don't trust people, I'm extremely sensitive and I can't take confrontation without me breaking down. I don't date at all cuz of the many traumas. I'm a bi-romantic asexual. I'm 22 and I've always been a female. I accept all of u for who u are, no matter what race, color, sexuality, illness, circumstances ur in, etc etc. I can name more, I accept everybody. Everybody needs somebody , we deserve care, love, help , support, acceptance, appreciation, etc etc. U don't kno someone's story, what they have been and/or currently going thru. U matter, ur existence is a huge blessing to this universe. U are doing the best u can and I'm proud of u. There's more but its 2am and my meds are kicking in. Don't judge anybody. I appreciate all of u and I'm here for u. -- Izzy M. Martinez🌹🌺🌷🔥

[darke15]

Rhymieeeeeeee!!!!!!! 🖤 @rhymingtree

It's been a bit of a long while without BS:A and it's been real quiet (except for Tiktok. We are never quiet on Tiktok). So, I'm really glad to see this back.

Rhymieee!!!!! I know we’ve been talking in my absence on Tumblr but I really have missed this too! 🖤

I trust you Darke, you know I do. But I'm fucking terrified. Don't put your babies in too much stress.

Trust? Me? I mean I know I tell you to all the time but, really, I don’t think it’s the best idea 😬

I wanna hug Bucky... but mostly I want it to go back to the way it was, when y'know, Wraith wasn't being a major cockblock. 🙄

Oof same

Noooo don't let Ollie's bullshit get in your head noooo

Too late 😌

There are only two trustworthy redheads: Natasha Romanoff and Duke Dugan. That is it. Anyone else is a lying deceiving scumbag.

TRUE 

He’d been so sure she was genuine. He thought that she cared.  He thought she loved him. 

🙃 barely even started and I'm already hurt.

Oof sorry 

Yay Nat. A redhead worthy of my trust. Here to impart some wisdom. I must celebrate her arrival.

Huzzahhh 😂

I forgot to mention how much I love Sam and Bucky's friendship, especially now. I love how comforting and kind he is with Bucky, and how even now he's somehow cheerier and lightens the mood while still being serious enough to help.

I love their kinda frenemy thing they have going on. Like, any other day, Sam would annoy the shit out of him but they both know they’re going through shit and can help each other through

Oooh shit, no trigger words and little to no memories of her time in the bunker... OOOOH where the fuck is this going I am stressed out

😈😈😈

Oop, nope, they're going the wrong way. She was never given the chemical in the bank.

Hehehehehehehehehehehe 😈

Unless she remembered it wrong and it's all part of the narrative. But it's probably not that.

I do love an unreliable narrator…

“And if worse comes to worst, we smack her in the head really hard and hope that does the trick.”

Yeaaah, that works too I guess.

It’s worked before, why not now? 🤷🏼‍♀️

If he doesn't talk to anybody, he isn't lying to anybody about Boone.

Right? Smart boi 😂

I love how Zac is always exuding the sleep-deprived college student vibe. Falling asleep with his glasses on, hunching over on his laptop typing like it's his last day on Earth, having a very, very tiny circle of friends. I love it.

I love him so much 🖤

ARI AND JESSE MY DARLINGS. She's sleeping on his lap ohmygod my heart

I’m super excited to be exploring their relationship a bit more in S3 😌

Jack and Duke 🥺 my favorite boys

Mah babies 🖤

hehe Boone fell asleep on top of Ghost. That's adorable. Also I'm slightly jealous (and so is Stevie probably)

Same though 

I love how you've written Ghost and the Winter Soldier as counterparts of (F/N) and Bucky instead of just monikers that carry their reputation or history. Ghost isn't simply a name, and it's so cool to see it evolve from it being just a codename she hid her identity behind to an entity of sorts that she actively has to live with and control.

It’s kinda like tryna push down every single bad habit you have and they compress themselves into an entity themselves just waiting to take over when you relapse

I just realized too how much of an advantage it is for Ollie, and a disadvantage for Ghost that Weston didn't keep any files on Alpha One. No one can disprove Ollie's claim, and (F/N) can't prove that she's innocent. Because to the Avengers, neither of them exist on paper. Every new piece of information is a first impression.

He’s using Weston’s secrecy to his advantage. No one can say he’s giving them false information if they don’t have Weston there to tell them himself. (F/N)’’s file seems almost too perfect, they can’t look back on her Aftermath file to tell them that some points in her life were fabricated by Weston or made to seem more normal than possible. Even a little too normal

Oh dang, Jack isn't a super soldier. It would have been cool if he did. But it's still better that he isn't, I guess.

😈😈😈

Those fucking dogtags, man.

Rest in peace Art, Gabe and...

oh fuck not again.

Whatshisname. Rest in peace Whatshisname.

I can’t believe you 😐

“We need to check on Olympus. I got a bad feeling.”

Don't say that please for the love of god you're giving me a bad feeling too

😈😈😈

wait who's the gal

...who am I forgetting

what's going on

🙂🙂🙂

“Captain America can kiss my ass,” she said, shoving her hair into a quick braid, “I fell in love with you, not that stupid red, white, and blue leotard and shield. You can do this.” 

I love this so much

🖤 Cavarogers is just bae

I just remembered that Bucky has probably done this before with Steve, the whole grief talk. The only family Steve might have ever known before the war was his mother and Bucky, and then his mother died. Bucky was the only one there to catch him when he fell.

Ughhhhhh i forgot about that but yeah…he’s probably spent so much time with Steve working him through the grieving process… oof that hurts

Plan B. Plan B. Quick! Look sad!

He is not as good at this as Boone might have thought he would be.

Sometimes she forgets that he is one of the few men in her life with a heart of pure gold and deception doesn’t come easy to him

Please figure it out Steve, having a fourth wall is genuinely so tiring.

It’s entertaining watching you try and talk him through it tho 

Once again, Yelena is the best person in the room and I love her. She is precious. I want to hug her.

Same 

JACK'S AWAKE. HOLY FUCK

🖤🖤🖤

Even after knocking on death's door Duke still manages to be horny in Jack's presence.

I mean, I get it but damn Duke, keep the pecker in your pants both of you almost died.

😂😂😂

“Hot guy covered in bruises and battle scars is kinda my thing.” 

You're not alone on that one, Duke.

No he is not 😌

It would have been cool to get super soldier Jack, then all of the Golden Trio would be fucking super soldiers... not that that's the prevailing part of it, it's just... a perk.

… 🤔 *adds to the list of pros and cons of Jack being turned into a super solder*

YES CLINT

He’s so close!!!

He's been thinking about (F/N) saving him in Sokovia for a whole YEAR. At some point Clint has to get it.

He just has to put paris [which was a long time ago at this point] and sokovia and he’s got it 

I misread this part and thought he pickpocketed the tickets from a random woman and I was fully ready to believe he did it.

You know…i wouldn’t be surprised if he learned in from someone

OH MY GOD

BOONE LED THEM TO HER

yessssssssssss

BOONE IS LEADING THEM TO GHOST

yesssssssssssssssssssssss

WAIT WAIT I KNOW I WAS YELLING AT HIM TO GET IT BUT I'M NOT READY FOR HIM TO GET IT YET

You’ve been yelling at me for ages to have these assholes figure it out and now you’re not ready?????? 😐

... I actually want Alexei to meet Steve, just to see how awkward and funny it'll be

I thought about letting Alexei be in this chapter but I didn’t have the energy to write him so he got cut 

OH HE'S GETTING IT

THE FOG IS STARTING TO CLEAR

YEAAAAAH

HE GOT IT

Yessssssssss 😂

“Besides, this is where the fun begins.”

Nah, for Darke the fun began the day she realized she could make me cry.

That do be true 😌🖤

I'm so fucking happy to hear Steve call her Captain. AND HE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. FUCKING. YES..

It’s cool to see her as kinda an equal to Steve [we’ve always known she was but to have them have the same title is dope]

Oh shit he finally met Dum Dum Dugan's great grandson. This is the best. I am loving his confusion and utter bewilderment. And I'm happy for Duke. His fiance's alive and he finally met his grandpa's buddy.

AND he’s captain america’s fave

But also... how is Bucky gonna take all this when he eventually finds out.

He’s not gonna be very happy 😬

maybe it wasn't balls he was lacking, maybe it was brains. That could describe so many people in my life.

Same 

I love it when other people call Ghost Captain. It's such a fun exchange.

Yessssssssss 

And now Steve has a lot more lying and spying to do. This is gonna stress him out so bad.

Yeah but now Wanda’s got his back 😌

What a banger of a chapter, Darke! Damn, this one is so good.

Thank you! I was really nervous about it but I’m semi-happy with how it turned out and I’m glad we got a kind of chill chapter 

And I'm so excited for Aftermath:Origins (especially that 🌶, I cannot wait for that good good 🌶).

Yesssssss I’m so excited for this 😌

I love Steve's perspective, watching him figure it out, dealing with the facts right as Ghost finally told him. But the harder part is telling Natasha, and the rest of the Avengers. The hardest part will be telling Bucky. I feel like when that one happens, I'll finally have to start looking for a therapist.

This reveal was maybe not as dramatic as I thought it was going to be…the rest of them finding out though…that’s gonna be fun 

But on a lighter note. now that Jack is okay and almost out of bed, I'm very very excited for the upcoming wedding. It'll be the wedding of a century.

Same! I’ve been doing lots of research and planning and can’t wait for it to come out!

I love how you explored the Widows' recovery and life away from Dreykov and the Red Room, and focusing on what their life had given them that allowed them to make something beautiful instead of violent and deadly.

Thank you! I wasn’t sure how it was going to go over just because [in at least Natasha’s case] they also learned ballet in the Red Room but I like the thought that they can take it back for themselves and make it their own. 

You better be glad I didn't scream at you tonight. May your FYP be filled with floofy cats and edits of our husbands.

I kinda missed being yelled at tbh…guess I’ll have to try harder next time. 😈

Thank you so much Rhymie!

Chapter 74 // WIDOW’S NEST

To all my live reactors,

Please, please, please, hide your reactions under a Read More cut. I don’t want any spoilers floating around. 

&

To all my Anonymous Avengers, 

If you want to react in my asks, feel free. However, I won’t be answering any of them until at least Wednesday if they contain spoilers. 

Thank you,

Darke

┍━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━┑

No. That wasn’t right. 

No. You weren’t fine.

You were definitely not fine. 

You were the opposite of fine. 

Sure, you may have managed to shove Ghost back down into the dark hole of your subconscious, for your team’s sake, but you could feel her manically clawing her way back out. She wasn’t going down without a fight and, if she was going down, she was going to drag Wraith down with her. 

You were going to drag him down with you. 

┕━━━━━━━━ ★ ━━━━━━━━┙

Chapter 74 // WIDOW’S NEST

✪ Bᴀᴛᴛʟᴇ Sᴄᴀʀʀᴇᴅ : Aғᴛᴇʀᴍᴀᴛʜ

♜♠ Tʜᴇ Sᴏʟᴅɪᴇʀ & Tʜᴇ Sᴘʏ

⧗ Tʜᴇ Rᴇᴅ Rᴏᴏᴍ»

Jᴏɪɴ ᴛʜᴇ ᴅᴀʀᴋᴇ sɪᴅᴇTᴀɢʟɪsᴛ

@thexbookxnerdx // @autumn-em // @fadingbakeryfarmoperator // @rhymingtree // @itsmeatballworld // @kippykasey // @turtleedovee // @kamalymaly // @onewithnomightypowers // @y-napotat // @riahmcq // @thequeenofthefallen // @jesuswasnotawhiteman // @fnnshelbys // @knowyourworth-sellyoursoul // @banbananas // @beans-and-toast // @violetvictoriabarnes // @oikawasblueearbud // @itsarussian // @mrsbarnesinmyimagination // @oopsiedoopsie23 // @luhuhzy // @heyimjustlaura12 // @moonlightreader649 // @petalren // @sighbuckybarnes // @soldat-petala // @useless-creature-213 // @xiyouchan // @kaiblog50 // @aftermatharchives

***if you have a strike through your handle, it wouldn't let me tag you 😞

[punkscowardschampions]

Indie & Rio

Indie: where you left me to go mama?? Rio: aw bubba 😧😔 Rio: plenty of stuff in the kitchen if you ain't already raiding Indie: got my head in the fridge never over its madness Indie: 🍾 + 🍊 for breakfast innit 😂 when you lavish Rio: 😂 we on the champagne too Rio: calling a 2 drink max for you so you don't rinse 'em 😜 Indie: dont be lawin that for me too tho Rio: Bitch I is, keep up Indie: naaaah thats only a glass in each hand Indie: you got rules whenever you be but cant gimme none Rio: 😑 Rio: even you can't test me rn tho Rio: on ☁9 Indie: jam girl im playin 🍾 aint lush 😕 aint be telling mckenna that i cant hang w the poshos but fr Indie: is it? whats got you feelin higher than me? 411 Rio: not got dem mature tastebuds yet younger 😉 Rio: [Picture in the Tiffany shop] Indie: allow it i got 👅 that 💸 cant buy bitch Indie: what bling the boy tryna drop on you 👑 didnt even hear you arguing like 👏 get it girl Indie: guilt gifts be 🔥 Rio: Better than the 🚬 joke I thought you would Rio: maybe you are gettin so grown 😜 Rio: nah nah Rio: not even Rio: idk how to say it it feels surreal, like Rio: you'll think i'm playing fr Indie: innit tho 👵👵👵👵 Indie: ?? Indie: youre playing not to take me w to get a 👶 🎁 but you kno 💖💖💖 Rio: That is a good idea tho the price tag would have you shook Rio: [Pic] Rio: It's an engagement ring Rio: ahh I feel a bit sick Indie: YOUVE GOT JOKES MAN 😂😂😂 Indie: even mckenna aint that highkey he gonna proper wife you rn Rio: mad init Indie: serious? Rio: yeah Rio: promise Indie: 😲😲😲😲😲😲😲 Indie: bitch i aint wearing no dress to the 💒 tho Rio: i know Rio: but how you gon' be maid of honour if you don't? 😘 Indie: ill tax that best man role from other mckenna if you keep playing 💪😎😎 Indie: & i aint callin you mckenna now thatd be a madness of getting you caught up w that boy in convos Rio: Fine we'll discuss this later Rio: 'cos ain't like it's happening now so you know Indie: locked you down w out locking in a date i get it Rio: Yeah Rio: what do you think then Rio: honest Indie: its sick news Indie: the boy be acting right & appreciating what he got 👑👑💖💖 Rio: i'm so glad you think so Rio: thanks, babe Rio: ain't gonna make a big song and dance and tell everyone but i ain't gonna hide it either Rio: know everyone gonna have an opinion, again Rio: just can't get enough, clearly 😂 Indie: feelin the love that you spoke it to me Indie: the only opinion that counts b that he aint finding no better hoe here, in the 24 or anywhere Indie: facts Rio: You gonna make me cry and they gonna throw me out this boujee ass store Indie: wipe dem tears on 💸💸💸 so they kno you can hang still Rio: 😂 Rio: already gonna be out here wearing someone's college tuition on my finger like Rio: see why people do this more than once, get a nice collection going Indie: mckenna gon 😭😭😭 boy is soft Indie: dont let him hear you chatting bout no round 2 Rio: 😏 Rio: poor baby, don't be mean Indie: catch me getting married never i gotta live this thru you amp bitches Rio: Fair, didn't ever expect I would Indie: gon kick it old school like your nan 👶👶👶👶👶 but no 💍 Rio: 😖 Glad you out here thinking so highly of me bitch 😜 Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Indie: is you got the fear tho for reals or nah? Rio: It's weird Rio: I know it's what I want like I didn't even think about saying nah but Rio: you have every other voice in your head saying it's too quick or we shouldn't even be together at all, you know Indie: i feel it Indie: i got em in mine tryna chat against everything i tryna do all the time Indie: gotta just chat back that they bein dry Rio: Yeah Rio: you right Indie: how we celebratin this?? thats what i wanna be knowing Rio: we should go out for dinner Indie: catch me thirdwheelin over 🍝 soz baby boy 💋 Rio: shh nah, it'll be good, there are some fancy places that do food you'll actually eat so we can live lavish Indie: tell him bring a friend if he rollin w any still 😂😂😏💘😏 Rio: Not tryna get you NONE at my engagement party tah Rio: get you fill o the food tho 😋 Indie: it aint gotta be heavy Indie: been long since anyone meshed me tho so help a hoe out Rio: hmm don't be tryna play addickted Rio: i'll get you a vibrator, like Rio: not to say go fuck yourself but Indie: 😂😂��😂 when your ma been out for the day & brings home 🎁🎁s like Rio: pah, he'd actually die of embarrassment Indie: when you out your man as vanilla tho Indie: o mckenna Rio: I just don't reckon he wants to think 'bout you meshing Rio: no offence, like Indie: back trecking like its your job baby Indie: 👀 you & his ways Rio: 🙈 den gurl Indie: too late to swerve dat 🏩 Rio: 🙄 just be thankful i never brought it to ours when we was sharing Indie: safe Indie: I kno you in your ☁ rn but when you back cos shit b testing me & dat 2 drink minimum Rio: What's up? Indie: ex-boy got a new 💘 so he tryna pass my shit back but cos i aint there hes @ the squad & they vexed @ me cos of Indie: 💔💔💔💔💔 Rio: 😔 Rio: Are the lads gonna get it or nah Rio: Don't suppose it's worth seeing if Drew still wanna be Dad of the year one last time, like Rio: may as well use him if he's offering, yeah? Indie: things been heated since the 🐕 & what of mine they are holding so like no beef to the lads but idk Indie: am i tryna text him ever tho 😒😒😒 Rio: Yeah, we'll go 'round the houses when I'm back Rio: someone will go get it Rio: don't worry Rio: we won't be long now Indie: & like not tryna still have love for that boy but aint it mad quick miss me for a few after you dash me Rio: It is Rio: but I ain't surprised, it's how lads, esp lads like that, do Rio: doesn't mean it didn't mean nothing to him necessarily Rio: could still be crying 'bout it in your inbox in a few, not trying to give false hope even 'cos fuck him Indie: i dont wanna be hurtin over this no more Indie: gotta get not bothered Rio: I know Rio: fake it 'til you make it, babe Rio: all you can do Indie: innit tho Indie: tell mckenna to buy me bling too thatll help 😂😂😂😂 Rio: 😂 Rio: 'course Indie: not saying he gotta drop a rents worth on the drip like Indie: just how much he feelin Rio: also not tryna be your sisterwife like Indie: no mood Indie: he vanilla but i aint tryna compete w your moves still Rio: Teach you but I'd have to charge Indie: hes on daddy hype too hard i cant be chattin like that to him or no lad soz boy Rio: Don't really put you in any mood but 😒? Rio: Fair Indie: why drop 💸💸💸💸 on therapy when you can spend on 🚬 its all good Rio: It ain't Rio: but we'll make it Indie: you reckon drews gon show w 👶🎁🎁🎁 or imma be repin for the fam? Rio: I don't know if that'd even enter his head Rio: tbh Indie: she could ⛔ us all in a big sweep Indie: me you & him Rio: She could Rio: I don't think she will you though, babe Rio: not like you've done shit wrong Indie: she just aint about me Indie: i feel it w her too Indie: itll b how itll b Rio: yeah but she can't be that petty Rio: even if she wanna Rio: she's a grown ass woman Indie: neither of em out here acting like they grown Indie: why she gonna start when she have this kid Rio: 'cos she'll have to Rio: unlike Drew she can't just pass it around and hope everyone else does it for her Indie: yeah but she know your ma in law got her back & your real Rio: She can't let Bea raise her kid for her Rio: or Ma Rio: anyway, she's got too much pride in everything not related to Drew, trust Indie: tru Rio: I promise, it's gonna be fine Indie: i got trust in you babe thats how im here Rio: 💘💘💘 Indie: dont be letting it slip now you got 💍 Rio: Never Indie: its chill then Indie: what we tryna wear tonite bitch? Rio: got enough trust in me to lemme pick you up some fresh garms or? Indie: hmmm Indie: cos you in a ☁ yeah Indie: theres your engagement gift ✌ Indie: do it how you gonna Rio: 😂 you know I'm good Rio: and no 👗s Rio: not taking the piss Indie: 👀 Indie: no 🤡ing Rio: would I do a thing like that? Indie: nah but mckenna will if he gets pissy you aint shopping for him 😂😂😂 Rio: We already had to treat him 'cos you know Rio: men don't cuffed 'til the day of Indie: you rode him in there say no more 🤐🤐🍾🍾 Rio: 😂 Rio: Not what I meant even but not gonna lie Indie: 😏😏😏 Indie: i been knew Rio: Keeping it unpredictable is our predictable, babe Indie: you out there vibin 😍😍😍 its a day when you can be extra Indie: make most Rio: As if there's a day when I ain't 😉 Rio: At least my Ma can't say shit to me, she was a marriage and 2 kids deep by now with Eds on the way so Indie: his gon get vocal tho man i feel it Indie: 👀 his dad @ me like 😒 how she livin Rio: I know Rio: Hoping they don't notice, like lemme forget which finger this meant to go on Rio: 😬 Indie: she gon be busy @ the business end of her sis when we hit dubs you all good 😂😂😂😂 Indie: & you could always swerve it so the 💎 not facing out when they 👀 Indie: ✌ hacks Rio: am I tryna stop a muggin' or 😂 Rio: you jokes Rio: also never wanna think about her business end thanks 😷 Indie: innit her drum not got dem thin walls like ours 🙏🙏🙏 or they aint vocal how you and mckenna do Rio: Literally can't imagine how this baby came to be Rio: but I'm chill with that, I don't wanna Indie: used that medical shit fr he aint been near her thats how i clue it Rio: i'm creasing rn and can't even explain 'cos nah Indie: serious she that bitch you tryna lips her & she gotta go shower Rio: I know Rio: Childbirth gonna break her 'less she got that c-section on lock Indie: hit her w all the good gear 🚀🚀🚀🚀 Rio: Probably wanna do it without for the brag idk Indie: o snap Indie: truuuuuuuu Rio: She gotta be ready to drop any day, like Indie: 👀 &👂 Indie: we turnin up if she want us or nah Indie: how many mckennas 👶👶s you gon have? Rio: We'll be about, can't avoid School forever Rio: and shut up bitch 😂 Indie: cmon man i kno you 💭 on it Indie: he a pretty boy Rio: nah Rio: i got a life to live babe Indie: your ma been proved you can have it all bitch Indie: birth dem 👶👶s give em posh names & send em to fancy school like they da Rio: yeah n she given me enough sibs to never need my own Rio: not to mention all your drama 😜 Indie: 😂😂😂 Indie: im a drama free zone now ty what you sayin Rio: whilst we in this postcode maybe Rio: but not for long babe Indie: nah for long imma be swervin that shit ✌✌ Indie: any postcode Rio: 👏 sounds good to me too Indie: got ink to jog me if i tryna slip Rio: yeah Rio: least you didn't get the M too Indie: like i been said id just put an a on it for that shoutout to my 3 mas baby 💖💖💖 all good Rio: there's always that Rio: if you really want you can add to it Rio: reclaim it, like Indie: hacks Indie: but i aint got no 💸💸💸💸 for Rio: I can pay Rio: or Ma would do it Indie: o yeah Indie: imma hit her up when we home Rio: Have you decided where you gonna be? Indie: mayb w bills cos she 😢💔 idk Rio: Yeah? Indie: if edie back then naaaaah Indie: or if drew been locked up can squat in the flat til it reclaimed Rio: We'll work something out Rio: I'll probably look for a new place Indie: you not gon move in mckennas dubs yard like you own that? Rio: Don't think the rest of 'em would appreciate that like 😏 Indie: other mckenna would rollin in that big drum solo gotta be dry Rio: Yeah still don't think I'm housemate choice no.1 Indie: thats her bad cos you 👑👑👑🔥🔥🔥👑👑👑 Rio: 💘💘💘 Rio: You biased Indie: nah i not Indie: im not here for drew just cos he blood Rio: Anyway, can't be presuming that's how he wanna be living, like Indie: is it? Rio: Yeah, he ain't coming here 'til October imagine if I'd legit moved myself in 😂 Indie: he put a 💍 on it how he not gon be down Rio: that's like rule no 1 init Rio: gotta make sure you've got your own taken care of in case everything goes tits Indie: safe Indie: 👑 moves be like Rio: If I really was probably shoulda said no shouldn't I Rio: kick it like his Ma Indie: if he wants a girl like his ma you need to have a convo Indie: that some freaky shit Rio: 😂 Rio: psych101 would blow your mind Indie: i aint even tyna kno what you mean Indie: old white dudes be cracked Rio: Yeah wouldn't have you buzzin' 'bout your daddy issues Indie: what they sayin bout? i wanna fuck drew now? plot twist fam Rio: you know Rio: we all do but clearly got it twisted 'cos my type ain't ever been my da Rio: no offence boy but Indie: your da be 😍😍😍 god bless Rio: have we swapped? 😂 Indie: he raised me higher than drew done so Indie: daddy caleb come thru Rio: 😷 Indie: 😂😂😂😂 Rio: Such a grown convo Indie: hoe im keepin you grounded Indie: livin that grown life 24 7 w mckenna Rio: tru Rio: it's a madness i should still be in school Rio: i feel so 👵 fr Indie: you is Rio: cheeky cow Rio: meant to hype me not wreck me 😂 Indie: he be too tho Indie: so tamed its a madness Indie: remember how he used roll Rio: well you know Rio: 😻 game so strong Indie: you no need my hype bitch Indie: you know what you done Rio: You reckon Indie: girl aint be gettin a callback you got 💍💎💎 & 💒 hype Indie: he kicked it long distance for you & he aint putting in effort no way fore then Rio: Yeah Rio: ignore me Rio: just the fear init Indie: get a new drink Indie: chase that Rio: 🍾 Indie: check your boy i bet he aint feelin no fear Rio: He wouldn't say if he was Indie: hed chat it to you Indie: that boy always talking Rio: 😂 thought you reckoned he was the strong silent type Indie: that was afore he was my new daddy Indie: now i 👀 Rio: 😏 Poor boy Rio: I'll keep it on the dl, protect his ego Indie: ill keep it uncommon knowledge to protect this roof over Rio: yeah, least wait 'til you safe in the 24 to be rude 😜 Indie: innit Rio: right, we heading back Indie: ✌✌ Indie: in a few Indie: less he wants you all to himself Rio: he already been had that Indie: he gave you 💎 you can give him a day 😂😂😂 Rio: is it? Rio: why you want air? 👀 Indie: jam ma im tryna do you & your mans a solid Indie: fore i 3rd wheel your nite like Indie: aint this bitch in your pocket & way when we rollin in the 24 Rio: hmm Rio: if you're sure Indie: trust Rio: then we'll be back with your garms and the reservation later then Indie: safe Indie: dont be doing anything i aint tryna Indie: 💖💖💖💖💖 Rio: 🧡🧡🧡

[play-read-write]

Not Running Again

fandom: RWBY Characters: Ruby Rose, Blake Belladonna Words: 1448

After reuniting with her team in Mistral Blake ponders her life. Ruby worries and little, and eases Blake’s mind a lot, reminding her that it’s good to have friends around.

Blake sat in the window sill, staring out at the night. It had taken a lot to get her to come her, to Mistral, and she still wondered why she had. She’d finally gone home, made up with her parents, and settled back into some bit of normalcy for the first time in years. She had wanted to stay there, away from the fighting and the pain and the fear. Just hide away on the island with her parents, and Sun too apparently.

Of course, she could never truly escape her past. The White Fang on Menagerie was just as bad as the one in Vale, and had made that clear. Once again she’d had to run and leave behind what she knew. This time was different though. When she ran she didn’t run away, but forwards. She ran towards the fighting, towards her friends, and towards where she was needed.

She hadn’t expected what she found in Mistral, that was for sure. Her and Sun had arrived expecting to see the rest of his team, and they had. They’d also found the rest of hers. Ruby had arrived with what was left of team JNPR, heading to fight whoever had taken down Vale. Weiss had escaped and left with Ironwood who had come to see the headmaster of Haven. Yang had come in search of Ruby and managed to catch up. It seemed she was the only one moving backwards in her journey of the past few months.

She’d expected them to be angry at her, to blame her, maybe ask why she came back. Instead Ruby had hugged her and asked where she was. Weiss had just said she should have told them she was leaving. Yang was the one who wanted to know what happened, her voice heavy with a myriad of suppressed emotions.

Then she’d told them, and it went far better than she could have ever hoped. All she said was that she went home to see her family and their tones had changed. Ruby hadn’t really cared, ever the kind soul that she was, but was happy to hear it. Yang and Weiss had immediately understood though. Heading home to see her family after such a traumatizing event, it was where they had been too after all.

So here she was now tonight, sleeping at Haven in a guest dorm, minus the sleeping part. The other three were in the dorm, but she had stepped out. She watched the bright light from the shattered moon filter through a few wispy clouds and contemplated her life. Her friends, far better than she deserved had forgiven her far more easily than they should have. Her family, staying behind to fight the White Fang in their own way, while still advancing their cause. Herself, sitting here staring out, hoping one day she’d be worthy of what fate had handed her.

The sound of a door behind her caught her attention. She turned and looked to see Ruby come out of the dorm. It was a bit surprising to see her having put on her boots so late at night, looking especially out of place against her pajamas. She took only a few steps before spotting Blake and looking at her a little surprised.

“Hello, Ruby.” Blake says, “Couldn’t sleep?”

“Well, uh, no. I mean, no as in I was asleep not that I couldn’t.”

“So why are you here and not still asleep?”

“Well I woke up.” Ruby says, walking over to her, “I looked over and you were gone, and well, I was kind of worried that with all that happened you might have…”

Blake took a moment to take that in. Ruby had been afraid she’d run off again, that’s why she was here, and why she was wearing her boots. “You were going to come looking for me.” She says.

“Uh, yeah.” Ruby says, “Figured if you had left again you wouldn’t have gotten far.”

“I’m right here, Ruby.” Blake says, “I’m not leaving again if I don’t have to. At least not without telling anyone.”

“Good.” She says and smiles, “I’m glad.”

“So if you were going to come looking for me, why didn’t you wake the others?”

“Well I didn’t actually know if you’d left and I didn’t want to wake them if it was a false alarm.” Ruby says, “Plus when you ran away after we found out you were a faunus they wouldn’t let me look overnight.”

Blake raises an eyebrow at that. “They wouldn’t let you look for me?”

“They did, but only during the day. That night and the next they made me stay back and go to sleep at night even though I wanted to keep looking. Said it would be pointless to wear ourselves out.”

“But you wanted to keep looking?”

“Yeah, I mean I was worried about you. You looked so scared when you ran off.” She says a bit timidly.

“I’m sorry I worried you.” Blake says, “They were right though, you needn’t wear yourself out. Especially not now, I can’t keep running and I can’t hide. I have to face what’s out there, so I’m not going anywhere.”

“Well you don’t have to face it alone.” Ruby says, “We’re here with you. Me and Weiss and Yang.”

“You’re better friends than I deserve.” Blake says, “Thank you.”

“No we’re not.” Ruby says easily, “So, if you’re not running off, what are you doing?” She asks, tilting her head.

“Just a bit of stargazing. Thinking things over. Looking at the moon.”

“That’s cool. I always liked the moon.” Ruby says, looking out at it.

“Why’s that?” Blake asks, “Because it’s bright?”

“Kind of.” Ruby says, “It’s really pretty. That and Yang used say I was her moon.” Ruby explains, “She was the sun.”

Blake gives a small chuckle. “That sounds right. She’s the sun, bright as day, always burning, full of fire and passion. You’re the moon, making even dark things bright and shining silver light. Especially now with your magic eyes.”

Ruby looks at the ground, grinding the toe of one foot into it and putting her hand behind her head. “Wow, poetic.” She says, and looks at Blake. “Still don’t know how the eyes and that work. Kind of annoying actually.”

“How so?”

“Well everyone’s been treating me differently since we found out about it. I just wanted to be a huntress and help people. Now I’m ‘the girl with magic eyes’ and everyone looks at me funny. Like, my eyes are my eyes, just a body part, I’ve always had them.”

“I think I can relate.”

“Really?” Ruby asks, raising an eyebrow.

Blake points up and wiggles her ears. “Yeah. It didn’t get any attention on Menagerie, but being a faunus here sometimes gets some funny looks.”

“Oh, right.” Ruby says, “Forgot about that.”

“That I’m a faunus?” Blake asks skeptically.

“No, that faunus get treated differently.”

Of course that was it, Blake thought. Ruby was human, and even more she was a human who believed the best in people. She wouldn’t think twice about someone being a faunus and forgot that others would. “Right. Well we do. At its best it’s similar to you and your eyes.”

“You don’t have to worry about that here though.” Ruby says, “You’re just Blake to us. If it helps though, I think they’re kinda cute.”

“Thanks.” Blake says with a smile. “So are you.”

Ruby blushes a bit and pouts. “Hey, don’t you be nice to me when I’m tryna be nice to you. You’re the one that’s supposed to feel better here.”

“I already do.”

“Awesome. My work here is done then.” Ruby says, “I’m gonna head back in and go to bed. I could use the sleep.” Ruby says.

Blake yawns and stands up. “I think I’ll join you.” She says.

“You mean in your own bed, right? Cause Yang may have understood you leaving but she’d probably punch anyone waking up in mine.”

“I…” Blake pauses, a bit surprised.

Ruby then laughs, one hand on the door to the dorm. “Oh wow, you should have seen the look on your face.”

“Really Ruby?”

“Hey, Yang’s not the only one in our family with jokes.”

“Just get inside.” Blake says with a small smile, following Ruby in. It was times like these that reminded her she why she needed to stay. She didn’t feel she deserved friends like these and would work every day to make sure she one day did, but if she left then she knew she never would. So she would stay and fight, if not for herself, then for the people who cared about her.

[loudheartsoftmind-blog]

my thoughts on the signs bc i’m bored and i did this on twitter before but like not all of them so here ya go

ARIES: y'all are wild and i love ur personalities but like ….can u chill for a second ?? idk how u guys can have so much energy 25/8 like teach me ur WAYS

TAURUS: my favorite sign!!! i love u guys so much!! and this is probably weird coming from a leo, but it’s true. i love how open-minded 95% of u can be and how u’ll help anyone!! the only down-side i see in tauruses is how stubborn y'all can be. i could message u and not get a reply for a WEEK but when u finally do, i’m still there lmao you guys never change ur mind. u agree with ONE side and will never go back to the other, nope. overall, u guys are sweethearts and u love to have conversations with anyone that u pass by that day.

GEMINI: one of my best friends is a gemini! woo! u guys rock!!! i’ve only known a couple geminis in my life, so i can’t say much, but i know that u guys will fight for anything. whether that’s for the person u love, ur loved ones or just about any social issues and whatever. i normally get along with geminis and i love u all to pieces.

CANCER: why u guys gotta blame all ur problems on someone else. i know ur sign is known for being the most emotional, but like,,… why don’t y'all let anyone in ??? get outta that crab shell of urs!!

LEO: bitch! that is! my! sign! i actually don’t know a lotta leos, but i’ve been told that we’re a lil self-absorbed and maybe a bit too confident BUT THATS A LIE. (or at least for me) IM INSECURE AF BUT IM TRYNA LOVE MYSELF OKAY !!! apparently we also don’t get along bc we’re all fighting for the spotlight but i actually HATE attention. it just turns awkward most of the time.

VIRGO: i feel like y'all hate me for some reason. WHAT. DID. I. DO. TO. YOU. it’s okay tho bc i don’t usually like virgos anyway they usually steal my crushes.

LIBRA: where have u been all of my life. we are basically the same person. TWINS!!1!1!1!1!!!! libras are sweethearts but some can be super super duper ANNOYING. i think y'all are calm and collected but ur emotions can go WACK when something throws u off. or ur mad for no reason and ur giving every1 The Mood like are ya on ur period. either way, y'all are chill, but like…..let me know if i’m stepping on a boundary, k??

SCORPIO: y'all scare me. like, who hurt u???? i’ve learned to never mess with u bc when someone like hurts u, y'all never let go. ur still postin about it A YEAR LATER. i’m just gonna stay over here in my corner okay.

SAGITTARIUS: u guys are weird af. and i love ur guys' goofy personalities. that’s it.

CAPRICORN: OH MY GOD WHERE DO I BEGIN YOU GUYS ARE EVEN MORE STUBBORN THAN TAURUSES AND U DONT LET ANYONE IN!!!! the only cap i’m close to is my aunt and even i don’t really know much about her. like ik guys don’t mean to hurt anyone, BUT STILL!! u will be there for ur loved ones in hard times and will love them no matter what shit ur going through on ur own time and i appreciate that!!!

AQUARIUS: my opposite sign!!! y'all probably think i hate u but that’s false. i know like 6 of u and i only don’t rlly like 2 of them, so we good. two of my good friends are this sign and u guys are wild. ur always like ‘break outta ur shell!’ when i don’t want to but i agree anyway. i don’t really have anything negative to say other than u guys need to calm down sometimes lmao again WHERE DO U GET THE ENERGY.

PISCES: I ALWAYS GET ALONG WITH YOU GUYS IDK WHY. i made a couple friends in spanish to find out they’re pisces and one of my coworkers is a pisces and we get along gr8. the only down-side of working with u guys (work & school) IS THAT YALL ARE DISTRACTED BY THAT BIRD OR THAT FLY OR THAT PIECE OF PAPER FLYING IN THE DISTANCE. it’s a good thing u got ur leo friend to keep u on ground. otherwise, i love u guys. i think y'all are my 2nd fav sign and that’s saying a lot bc i LOVE tauruses (again sometimes)

ANYWAY THATS IT I HOPE EVERYONE HAS A GOOD DAY

[xmusicalopinions]

Taylor Swift - Lover

Okay, going in I honestly don’t have high hopes for this album. ME! was a fun, poppy song, but in my opinion (I’m sorry Taylor) forgettable. I got bored listening to You Need To Calm Done which led me to completely ignore the other singles. I really hope Lover will pleasantly surprise me, but to be honest, I have my doubts. 

1) I Forgot That You Existed *** Since I only started listening to Taylor Swift after she switched to pop-music. I Forgot That You Existed is exactly the sound I expect from her. That said, I actually enjoy the song. It’s not the most memorable song I’ve ever heard, but I’m definitely adding it to my playlist. --> “Lived in the shade you were throwing / ‘Till all of my sunshine was gone, gone, gone

2) Cruel Summer **** (after second listen) If I’m completely honest with you, this isn’t exactly a first reaction of this particular song. Yesterday (when I didn’t know I was going to do a review of this album yet) something drew me to this song. Even though the song started promising, I quickly got bored as the chorus took over. Listening to it a second time I actually really enjoy the vibe of the chorus, which made me appreciate the overall song a lot more than on the first listen.  --> “Bad, bad boy, shiny toy with a price / You know that I bought it (I just love sassy Taylor)

3) Lover *** Okay, so maybe it’s the fact that I’m bitterly single right now, or the fact that I’ve been so for a long time, but Lover doesn’t really speak to me like other slow, meaningful songs usually do. I do like the way the verses are really descriptive, but the chorus is just kind of boring. However, I really enjoyed the bridge. It was exactly what a bridge is supposed to be in my opinion: a break from the overall song.  --> “My heart’s been borrowed and yours has been blue”

4) The Man *** A song that tackles double standards and gender inequality? Count me in! Something I’ve always respected Taylor for is speaking her mind when it comes to her criticized love life and the double standards the world holds when it comes to it. That said, I also really appreciate the fact she uses her music to bring this issue to light. However, musically I sadly didn’t think the song was special in anyway so I won’t be adding this one to my playlist --> “Every conquest I had made would make me more of a boss to you”

5) The Archer ***** Honestly, I freaking love this song. The intimacy of the first verse, the deep chorus with hidden meanings and the steady beat that appears at the beginning of the second verse to give the song a bit more variety. Like I said beforehand, I stopped listening to the singles after ME! and You Need To Calm Down, but honestly after listening to The Archer I wish I hadn’t.  --> “I’ve got a hundred thrown-out speeches I almost said to you”

6) I Think He Knows **** This one is interesting, and to be honest with you. I’m conflicted. I honestly don’t know what to think. The song starts interesting with this beat I just love and the lyrics really speak to me (got to love those f-boys and their charm), but the chorus... Just didn’t do it for me. It was bland and forgettable. I give it four stars, because I believe it’s wrong to judge a song by its chorus when all the other components are right, but I’m really disappointed because I thought this would become my new jam.  --> “He’s so obsessed with my and ,boy, I understand / Boy, I understand” 

7) Miss Americana & The Heartbreak Prince **** Going in I didn’t have high expectations for this one, but it pleasantly surprised me. I enjoy the overall theme and the beat of the song. I will add it to my playlist, because I can already imagine myself listening to this song while on the train in the morning. --> “Boys will be boys then, where are the wise men?”

8) Paper Rings ***** Okay, usually write my review after I’ve listened to the whole song, but I’m like one line in and I’m already obsessed. I really hope this is going to be a high tempo song, because I really could use one right now! And does this song remind anyone else of Bruno Mars’ Runaway Baby?  I’m listening to the second verse right now and I’ve come to notice the color blue is a returning theme on this album. Does anyone know what’s up with this? --> “I like shiny things, but I'd marry with paper rings” 

9) Cornelia Street **** I think Cornelia Street is a good follow-up to Paper Rings. That being sad, I love the personal vibe of the song. I love it when artists engulf their personal life in their work and that’s exactly what’s going on here.  --> “We were a fresh page on the desk / Filling in the blanks as we go”

10) Death by a Thousand Cuts ***** OMG the beginning is so dramatic I love it. It somehow gives me Mad Hatter vibes (and I freaking love the Mad Hatter).  This is really interesting. The first verse has this sing and songwriter vibe which I didn’t expect after the beginning, but I’m really into it. Does anyone else get Ed Sheeran vibes from this?  Okay, I’m going to say it. This is my favorite song on the album thus far. --> “My heart, my hips, my body, my love / Tryna find a part of me that you didn’t touch” 

11) London Boy ***** Okay, no, I was wrong. This is my favorite song on the album thus far! This honestly is a certified bop. Lyrically I enjoy the references to London/England and the rhyme schemes (mostly of the first to lines of the bridge).  ---> “They say home is where the heart is / But God, I love the English”

12) Soon You’ll Get better ***** Like I said before, I’ve only ever started listening to Taylor’s music after she made the switch to pop and going by the songs I’ve heard from here I never expected a song from her to make me cry, but here I am. This is such an emotional and scattering song I can’t be anything but positive about it. I’m sending my love and prayers to Taylor, Andrea and their whole family. --> “Desperate people find faith, so now I pray to Jesus too”

13) False God ** I was really intrigued by the concept of this song. To use heavy religious imagery to compare a relationship to something all-powerful. There’s just something magical and romantic about it, no? The song however? In my opinion, just underwhelming. Which sucks, because I really really really wanted to like it as much as I’ve liked the album thus far (and especially the last three songs). --> “Staring out the window like I’m not your favorite town / I’m New York City”

14) You Need To Calm Down *** Okay, I’ve said it. First listen I got too bored listening to this song to even reach the second verse. Cruel Summer, however, had taught me that a second listen and open mind can do wonders so I’m going in without any expectations and negative prejudices.  Again I’m conflicted. I definitely like the song a lot better than on the first listen, but still, I’m not obsessed or anything (although the pre-chorus might just get me). It was okay.  --> “Say it in the street that’s a knock-out / But you say it in a Tweet, that’s a cop-out” 

15) Afterglow *** “I blew things out of proportion, now you’re blue” Again. What’s up with the whole blue-theme? I apologize if it’s annoyingly obvious, but I honestly can’t figure it out. That being said. I’m not really vibing to this song in general. Don’t get me wrong. The vocals on the chorus are just angelic, but the rest of the song was kind of average (in my opinion!!). --> “Why’d I have to break what I love so much?” 

16) ME! **** This song has grown on me and I’ve gotten bored of it. Like I said before, this definitely isn’t my first listen. In my opinion ME! isn’t more than another up-beat poppy song, but I guess that’s its’ charm. I find myself putting this song on whenever I’m getting ready because it just gets me hyped up for the day ahead.  --> “Livin’ in winter, I am your summer”

17) It’s Nice to Have a Friend **** A short dreamy ballad near the end of the album. When will I ever not be up for a short dreamy ballad near the end? I love the storytelling on this song, the way de verses just melt into the chorus and the way the bridge is instrumental with a third verse following.  --> “Have my back, yeah, everyday”

18) Daylight ***** The production of this closing song is just amazing And for me to notice something like production must mean it is extraordinary because I hardly ever notice the production of a song. I just loved this song. I wish I could say more but I feel that would just be me making stuff up for filler.  --> “I wounded the good and trusted the wicked”

[booksbroadwaybbc]

Undecided about college orientation/carreer choice and somewhat depressed about my life in general via /r/selfimprovement

Undecided about college orientation/carreer choice and somewhat depressed about my life in general

I'm a 21 year-old guy and, to keep it as simple as possible, it's been now a few years that I have frustrations about my life mainly regarding two areas : college/career orientation and romantic relationships. And because keeping things simple and short is unfortunately a completely foreign concept to me this is probably gonna be a bit long, so I apologize in advance for that, but I hope you'll read until the end. Let's start with the college/career thing.

I graduated from 12th grade almost 3 years ago, when I was 18, perfectly normal. But since then it's been completely chaotic in terms of education. Between september 2015 and today I changed 3 times of college orientation ! (physics, then humanities, then business administration, and now marketing) I also spent 90% of the time between september 2015 and september 2017 at home doing NOTHING (well, not exactly nothing, but I'll get into that later).

And, then, in september 2017 I switched again and now tried a marketing degree. Fairly easy again, and this time I stayed the whole year, there's only one month left now. And again it's not hard but, I'm gonna be brutally honest here, it's incredibly boring and furthermore it's a low-prestige degree compared to STEM ones. So I'm now considering switching AGAIN (would be the 4th time if you do the basic math) to economics or computer engineering, two areas that are far more of interest to me. I chose marketing mainly on pragamatic, or supposedly pragmatic, grounds, because I thought it'd be a very practical (despite less interesting, at least to me, than more theoretical ones like economics) degree that would get me a job fast.

But then, now I'm more and more wondering if college is really for me after all ? I don't think I'm dumb, and I don't know if I would qualify as smart either, but (and here I'm gonna sound a bit arrogant but that's just the truth) I've always learned far better by informal means and as an autodidact than in school/university. There's more than one example where I had some subject in school that I found incredibly boring and uninteresting at the time and, a few times later... Learned it by myself. The best examples I can think of are economics, computer programming, and english. All incredibly boring in school and I was bad at all of them, until I learned them on my own. I'm not an expert in neither of them, very far from that, but I think it's fair to say that I know one or things. - So, as you may have noticed, english isn't my first language. Although I've never been to an english-speaking country, I learned it for the most part on my own within the last 2 years by watching videos and reading articles and books in english on subjects I was already interested in. It wasn't really intentional, it's just that most interesting content on the Internet is in english so I had to learn it to understand it.

All of this is to say that I don't think formal education is the best way, at least for me, to learn new things. The only case that can be made for staying in college in my case is that it's basically a signal that indicates to future employeers that I have some work ethic and am able to learn things (even if I don't think that's really the case), and that my life would therefore be far easier with this piece of paper than without it, even if I think its value and importance are clearly overrated.

Moreover, even though I no longer live with my parents they still support me financially (even though it's hard for them), and they still trust me despite all of my previous "switches", and I feel like it would be a huge betrayal to drop out again, given all the trust they've put on me. My parents never went to college, I'm first in the family to go so they put a lot of hope in me. But I'm more and more realizing that I've been pushed to college without really knowing what to do there, just because they thought it was the only way and said I should absolutely go so I did. I of course understand their perspective, they think that college is the only way for me to get a better life than they had, but I've never been convinced by that... I just went because I simply never saw any other alternative, and still don't...

So on the one hand it almost sounds like that, deep down, I know with a gut feeling that's been proven right over and over again that college is simply not for me there can be a better way, whatever it is. On the other hand, college is the safe way and I don't see myself abandoning it without any alternative plan, it would be foolish. And I also wonder, what if they're right and it's really difficult to succeed without a college degree ? What if the only two alternatives I have now are either college or working at McDonald's ? I'd clearly go for the first one. But I think that's a false dilemma, even though I still can't find alternatives...

I'm so confused right now... Don't know what I wanna do, that's the biggest problem. Neither if I should stay or quit college, and neither what area interests me the most. I have a very wide area of interests but can't pick one specifically in which I would be ready to make a career into.

Also, I'm in Europe and education here is far cheaper than in the US (which I don't think is necessarily a good thing, but let's leave it aside) so the debt argument against going to college doesn't hold here.

Now for the last part, about romantic relationships. It's gonna be shorter, but to sum it up I'm still virgin at 21 years old. Just kissed 2 girls in my whole life and it saddends me more and more. I don't think I'm ugly and I'm fairly extroverted, I can and do talk to many people (even unknown) fairly easily and frequently. It's just when I wanna seduce a girl that I don't do anything to show my interest, I still talk to her naturally but usually don't do anything to tryna seduce her, the fear of rejection is to high. And my life now is incredibly boring. I hate routine and monotony more than anything, but it's completely what I have now and it's been a few years. I have good friends but they usually don't like to go out at night and meet new people. So yeah, it just genuinely saddens me to have a monotonous and undecided life, furthermore without anyone to love... It feels like this really frustrating situation of undecision and unsuccess just never ends...

TLDR : So the main questions I have would be :

What advices would you give to see clearer in my college orientation (and if college is worth it all) and career choices ?

What advices would you give to seduce girls that I'm attracted to and, hopefully, find a girlfriend ?

How to break monotony and routine ?

Submitted April 24, 2018 at 04:22AM by Extremo-97 via reddit https://ift.tt/2Fc9CjI