#not transitioned at all and then Billy comes to town with his (less than impressive but no less there) mustache

[metalheadcowboy]

Not only are Billy, Steve, and Tommy all in love, they are also all trans.

Because I said so.

Yeah 😌

Thank you for providing me with the idea of t4t4t kegboys, just what I needed in my life, now it is the only thing I’ll think about EVER again, bless you 😌

[terreisa]

Love Down the Line: Chapter 3

The last thing Indie musician Emma Swan needs is a gigantic wrench thrown in the workings of her biggest tour to date weeks before its launch.  When her backing guitarist that caused the problem says she has the perfect solution Emma is skeptical but left with little choice but to accept.  Unfortunately she isn't really prepared for said solution to be former Rock Star and leading man of Emma's teenage fantasies, Killian Jones.  With no other options and a month of performing across the country ahead of her Emma just hopes she doesn't come to regret letting Killian onto her stage and into her life. 

Ch 1, Ch 2, AO3 ~*CS*~

 Portland, Maine- April 17th

Emma was lost in thought as she idly tapped at the rehearsal room’s piano keys, filling the space with a jumble of unmelodic notes.  She knew she needed to take a break and eat something, like everyone else was but she couldn’t.  There was something off about their last few run throughs and she was determined to figure it out.

One thing that wasn’t off was how well Killian Jones had enmeshed himself into the group in just one week.  He had bonded with Will over growing up in England leading to inside jokes and references that had the two of them snickering away between songs.  With Tink all he’d had to do was make one praising comment about the book she was reading and it looked like he was going to be in her good graces for the rest of time.  As for her, well, the never ending verbal sparring matches were almost as fun as playing her music with him was.

They sounded good.  Of course, there were still little idiosyncrasies and timing issues that needed to be worked out but Emma knew that by the time they hit the road everything would be running smoothly.  What had been a pleasant surprise was how Killian seemed totally at ease playing second fiddle, as it were.  She had seen him play live multiple times and knew exactly what a talent he was, and also how grand a showman.

The first couple of rehearsals after he’d joined them she’d waited warily for his ego to make an appearance.  She had been certain that he would have been like too many of the men she’d met: unable to help making suggestions on how to play her own songs or offering advice she hadn’t asked for or needed.  It had happened so often in her early days of playing paid gigs that Will had taken it upon himself to run interference after she’d had enough one night and given a guy a black eye.  As the week had gone on without a single belittling comment from him in their emails, texts, or during rehearsals she’d reluctantly accepted that he actually seemed content to follow her lead and let her shine, despite her admittedly more limited skills

She idly let herself fall into the familiar chords of her song Snowdrops and Buttercups as she tried to suss out what was bothering her.  It was the ballad that she’d picked to play towards the middle of her set, meant to give the others a little rest mid-show and her the chance to highlight her piano playing.  The song was good, they were planning on releasing it mid-tour as the third single from the album but there was something a little off about it that had her coming back to it, trying to figure out why it wasn’t sounding how she wanted.  She closed her eyes and played through the chorus again and then again, trying to hear what it was she was feeling.

“Did you have lessons?”

She smiled to herself at Killian’s question, only mildly startled by his voice.  The answer was in the bio of her official website and on her Wikipedia page but it was nice to know he hadn’t researched her.  Or at least was pretending that he hadn’t.

“On and off depending on the family I was with,” she said, not pausing in her playing though she moved on from the chorus, “Didn’t exactly make me a great player but a lot of practice and YouTube helped with that.  I’ll never play Beethoven, that's for sure.  Do you play?”

“Strictly guitar for me,” he said with a chuckle. “Though I do know Chopsticks and that one song from Big.”

She laughed, stopping her playing and turned towards him, “Your party trick I’m guessing?”

“Nah, my party trick involves a pair of handcuffs and my sparkling wit.”

He waggled his brows at her causing her to snort and shake her head.  He was a flirt, it oozed out of his every pore, and the worst part was it seemed to be a default setting with him.  It only made her feel off kilter and more resolved to not let herself get caught up in it, no matter how much her teenage self was obsessing over every syllable he uttered.

“The party usually ends when the cops show up Jones, but then again I’ve never been to the same kind of parties you have,” she said with a grin.

It faded as Killian grew somber.

“Aye, I suppose you’re right.  Frightful things they are.”

With horror Emma remembered that the accident that had shattered his life into pieces had been after one of those kinds of parties.  She turned back to the piano, embarrassed and a little ashamed of herself.  After a moment’s thought she began playing what she hoped was a sufficient enough apology.

It was Killian’s turn to snort, “I’m Still Standing, love?  Bit on the nose wouldn’t you say?”

“Figured it couldn’t hurt,” she said quietly, letting her hands fall still.

Silence settled over the room like an itchy blanket.  She tried to keep from fidgeting, still feeling like she’d upset him despite his genial smile.  Unable to take the quiet even though it had only been less than a minute she began playing again, deciding to speak through the music.

“I’ve noticed you’ve got quite the repertoire of classic rock in that head of yours,” he said, seemingly impressed. “First eighties Elton John, then seventies Billy Joel?  Plus all those songs you tortured me with during my audition.  Are you an audiophile as well?  Do you have multiple copies of your favorite albums in their various forms?”

“Seems to me you’re the audiophile,” she pointed out, continuing to play. “I just happened to have worked at the diner that Ruby’s grandma owns and she refuses to put anything on the jukebox that was released later than nineteen seventy nine.  The songs are considered classics for a reason, you know.”

“I’m well aware, seeing as I’ve learned to play my fair share of them.  May I?” He motioned to the piano bench.  She nodded and slid over, “And the eighties Elton John?”

“An attempt at saying sorry for putting my foot in my mouth,” she said, giving him an apologetic look. “It’s easier to do it with a song than actually saying the words.  I am sorry though.  Didn’t think.”

“There’s no need to apologize when I took no offense, lo- er, lass-” he reached up and scratched behind his ear, “Truth is, I’d rather endure the teasing than having people continue to tiptoe around me.  Playing with a steady group of people has helped with that.”

“Well if you were expecting tact and manners from Will you were going to be disappointed from the start,” she said sardonically as she seamlessly transitioned from Billy Joel back to the song she’d been playing when he’d shown up. “And Tink isn’t much better, just a little more… cheery about it.  Plus you’re friends with Ruby so you’ve kinda hit the jackpot with people not going to coddle you or whatever.”

“And you?”

“Pft, the nicest thing anyone’s said about getting to know me is that I’m prickly but in a good way.  Ask Ruby about how long it took me to agree to go to one of the bonfire parties the popular kids at school threw.”

Killian hummed, “I wouldn’t say you’re prickly, Swan, just a bit guarded.  No fault in that.”

She stopped playing, stunned by his comment.  Truth was she didn’t have many friends outside her bandmates and a select few people back in Storybrooke.  None of them had understood her so completely or so easily.  With a little jolt of surprise she realized she already thought of him as a friend.

“So is that how you met Ruby, at her grandmother’s diner?” he continued, somehow not noticing she was having a revelation beside him.

“Uh, sort of,” she said with a little shake of her head, turning to face him, “I needed money and Granny’s was the only place willing to hire me.  It’s not exactly easy to get a job in a small town when you’re already pinned as the school troublemaker even though you’ve only been there for a month.  Ruby was in a couple of my classes and put in a good word for me.”

“Have you been playing together all this time?”  He asked, genuine curiosity lighting up his eyes.

“No-” she winced, not used to telling her life story when most people she’d met lately were already aware of it from interviews or reading it online, “I hadn’t been playing much when I got moved to Storybrooke.”

“Got moved?”

She tilted her head at him, narrowing her eyes, “Really?  You haven’t already read all this?”

His shoulders slumped and when he looked at her his gaze was troubled but clear, “Swan, I, more so than most, know what it’s like when people think they know everything about you because of what they’ve seen or read.  I try to avoid the fodder as much for my own sake as for others.  I’d rather learn about someone the old fashioned way: through conversation.”

“Oh-” she relaxed before tensing up again in embarrassment, “I, uh, should probably tell you that I know a lot about you from the, uh, fodder.”

To her surprise he laughed, “Not to flaunt the size of my ego but I’m not surprised.  I don’t think there’s anyone, especially in our line of business, that doesn’t know my life’s story.  Made for quite a few headlines for a while there.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, apologizing for so much more than what she already knew about his life.

“Bah-” he waved his hand in dismissal, “No need for that.  It is what it is.  So, you hadn’t been playing…”

“So, if uh, it wasn’t clear before I was a foster kid.  I was moved around a lot, mostly in Boston, a few years in the midwest.  Some of the families had pianos or a neighbor that did and a lot of times they gave lessons for extra income.  A couple of them taught me because I wanted to learn and I was considered part of the family, at least for a little while.  It was nice, learning that way, but it never lasted,” she said with a sigh, giving him a half-hearted shrug.

“Best way to learn is from someone who loves doing it,” he murmured, his gaze intent.

“Yeah, well by the time I got to Storybrooke I was sixteen and hadn’t lived somewhere with a piano for almost five years.  So, of course, the group home I was placed in was run by big believers in the arts and creativity in keeping kids out of trouble.  They had all kinds of art supplies, ran a little community theater, and, surprise surprise, owned almost every instrument you could think of-” she felt herself frown and gave him a shrug, “I still don’t know how they knew but the Nolans showed me their piano the second I stepped into their house.  I thought I was only going to be there temporarily, I’d already been at three other homes in the six months before I landed there, and thought I would jinx it if I let myself get attached to playing piano again. Unfortunately while the Nolans weren’t strict about much you had to do something creative, even if it was just drawing stick figures in a composition notebook.  Which I did, by the way, for almost six months.”

Killian laughed, a rich sound that carried into his words, “Those I’d love to see.”

“Never,” she grinned, “That notebook will never see the light of day since it also has my first attempts at songwriting in it.”

“Ah,” he nodded wisely, “So after six months you finally ended up back behind the piano then?”

“Nope.  I picked up a guitar.  David, Mr. Nolan, would play almost every night after dinner and it seemed easy enough to learn.”

Emma could feel the heat rising in her cheeks.  That was only a small part of the reason she’d decided to learn how to play the guitar.  The real reason was sitting next to her, listening to her talk with rapt attention.

“It was months before Ruby found out I played and then a few more before I finally caved and started bringing a guitar to the bonfires.  By then I was back at the piano and had a few attempts at songs in that notebook.  I, uh, stopped again for a while-” she paused, not wanting to get into why exactly she’d stopped, not when it was the worst thing that had happened to her and while she had only reluctantly realized that he was becoming a friend.  She took a breath and gave him what she hoped was a convincing smile, “Ruby had picked it up by then too.  We’d play together at bonfires and picnics but she never got as serious about it as I did.  She’s the one that convinced me to try out some open mic nights.”

“And the rest is history?” He asked gently.

“More or less,” she answered, feeling much steadier. “When I finally got to the point of needing a backing band she was the first one I called.”

“And then Will and Tink?”

“Tink was brought in by the label and I’d met Will at an open mic night where he drunkenly read terrible poems about his ex and tried to steal my wallet,” she said nonchalantly, though she was glad to move onto safer topics. “I broke his nose and he found me the next day wondering if I was interested in a drum player.”

“In a personal or a professional manner?” Killian asked with a raised brow.

“Ew, as if I’d ever want to sleep with Will.  Gross,” she said with a scrunched nose. “He’d seen me at other mic nights and figured I’d be going places and wanted to get in on it.  He was the second person I called.  From there the rest is history.”

“Not much different from my own beginnings, though we were discovered at a pub we’d been playing at for a few months and already had a few EPs recorded,” he smiled wistfully, “We were also called the Jolly Rogers then.”

“Why did the name get changed?  I mean, you guys didn’t change your sound or anyone in the band or anything.”

“Aha, Ruby said you were a fan but didn’t say how much!” Killian crowed, as if he’d discovered a cache of hidden treasure. “Those EP’s weren’t even released stateside and I’ve never authorized them for streaming.  You’ve got a little pirate in you, don’t you Swan?”

“Wouldn’t you like to know?” She quipped back despite her complete and utter embarrassment at having seemingly given away how big of a fan of his she was.

“Perhaps I would,” he said softly, his gaze somehow just as soft.

She was saved from having to come up with some kind of reply as Will burst into the room practically yelling into his phone with Tink trailing behind rolling her eyes at him.  Killian smoothly rose from the piano bench but paused, pressing his finger down on one of the higher keys.  When she looked up at him he was watching her carefully.

“What?” She asked, beginning to feel self conscious.

“You should move Snowdrops and Buttercups to later in the show.  It’s a good song but drags down the show where it’s placed now.  Bite of Iron is a better fit for the lineup as it stands.  Granted, it is a bit older but I believe it’s a fan favorite?  Something to consider, anyway.”

He gave her a hesitant smile, hitting the note one more time before moving towards his guitar.  She sat unmoving, wanting to be mad that he felt he could mess around with the lineup she’d spent weeks perfecting but she couldn’t.  Not when he’d figured out what had been bothering her and offered up a pretty good solution without being condescending.  She only wished the song that he had suggested hadn’t been the one that was the hardest for her to play.

Unfortunately she also knew it would absolutely fit in perfectly with the flow of sound and feeling of that section of the show.  It would also get a huge response from the crowd because as much as it was a fan favorite she’d never played it live before.  Looking at Killian, where he was absently picking at his guitar as Will talked a mile a minute at him, she thought that if he could get back to playing in front of an audience after what he’d been through then she could get through one measly song.

Taking a deep breath she spun around on the bench and addressed the room, “Hey, guys, I’ve got some changes I want to make to the lineup.”

[cockasinthebird]

I will PAY you to write that ice skater/hockey player au, omg

Dear Anon, I wanted to post this yesterday, but I wasn’t home all day; hope you see this and know that I enjoyed writing every bit of it, love you!

It's 5am when Steve pulls up to the skating rink. He's been awake since 4 o'clock, had a healthy breakfast of yogurt topped with fresh berries and nuts, drank several cups of coffee, not counting the one currently sitting in the BMW's cup-holder.

When he finds time in the mornings to practice before school, he wears a pair of tight joggers pants on top of his racer-back unitard, because more than once has he been late for school due to how caught up he gets in his training, and quickly learned to wear something that can fit underneath jeans and a polo when there's no time for a shower.

Yeah it's 5am in the fucking morning, the sun hasn't even started peeking out from the pine tree horizon, and Steve sighs with exasperation as he recognizes a distinct blue camaro parked as the only other car here that doesn't belong to the faculty.

Two months ago, Billy Hargrove and his little family had moved to town. The two of them had never really spoken to one another yet, but apparently he made quite the impression at Tina's Halloween party when he did a keg stand and beat someone's record; Steve doesn't care, doesn't drink.

No his coach has him on a pretty strict life schedule. Eat this, wear that, practice every day like your life depends on it. And honestly? It feels like it does. Because Steve knows he's not exactly “book smart” or whatever, but becoming an Olympic figure skater is something far more feasible than him getting into any college.

So he puts on his expensive, dark green Ralph Lauren overcoat, grabs his bag with skates and a change of clothes, then leaves the warmth of his car to trudge through tall snow.

Steve walks straight from the front hall and into the rink, drops his bag with a loud thud onto a bench, and follows right along to sit down and tear off his untied boots still adorned with thick snow, just to swiftly replace them with his skates and lace them up nice and tight.

He stands up and looks around, breathes calmly so that it wouldn't interfere with how attentively he listens for even one single sound in the whole building, lifts his head in hopes of getting a better look around. He saw the fucking car, Billy's car, and that can only mean that he's somewhere around, but... it's completely silent; dead as the grave and empty like school on a Sunday.

But why would he even be here? At the Hawkins Ice Rink? Maybe he's just parked there because it's conveniently close to some other destination, such as... it doesn't matter.

What matters is the ice, freshly resurfaced and ready to taste the steel of Steve's polished skates, the blade sharp enough to cut through wood in one simple swoop.

He stands up, walks with perfected practice to where carpet changes to ice, pulls the headband from his neck and into his hair, and-

Smoothly pushes off, gently over the frozen water, white and shiny.

There is an instant satisfaction; a serene bliss that brings him from the dark and gloomy life he leads with a disgruntled dad and homophobic slurs, into the light of what his future will be, filled with gold medals and roses at his feet, fans cheering in the stands as the judges holds up 10 10 10's across the board, so far away from shitty little Hawkins, Indiana, to the Olympics in France, Italy, Switzerland, Japan, who knows where to next.

Feels the wind in his hair as he picks up the speed, hears how his blades cuts through the ice below, and if he closes his eyes he's convinced that this is what flying must feel like, what true freedom is. To move effortlessly, to soar.

And he opens his eyes then, to gaze over his shoulder as he does an easy turn to glide across the rink backwards. He moves towards the middle, picking up speed, hair whipping back, and he lifts up his foot, jumps majestically into the air, arms pulled close as he twirls around like a ballerina with wings, then lands back on the same foot, continuing across the ice.

A perfect triple toe loop.

He knows very well how beautiful that looks. Sure it's an easy jump, nothing that will win him any prizes, but it has become such an effortless thing now that it feels incredibly freeing.

Transitions with no stuttering movement into a simple camel spin; one leg extended into the air in parallel form with the ice and his torso at the same level, forming a tight T with his body as he turns around himself with the world in a pretty blur before his eyes.

But he nearly loses all balance, as a voice echoes loudly-

“What the fuck are you doing here, Harrington?”

And Billy stands by the edge of the rink, leaning against the railing, a wry grin cut across his face, mullet tied back in a bun. He's dressed head to toe in hockey gear, his helmet in hand.

Steve's heart beats so hard and fast that it's beyond painful. Slightly breathless from his warm up, mouth open and hands on his hips. He has competed several times in front of a full audience, worn clothes tighter than these, yet he has never felt so unnecessarily exposed before.

“What does it look like I'm doing?” he shouts back and rolls his eyes, wanting to ignore the brute laughing at him, but his gaze falls right back to where Billy now pushes onto the ice.

There's a safe distance between them now, but Billy continues moving closer, so Steve starts moving away, backwards still with his hands firmly on his hips.

“How long were you staring for?”

Their pace is calm as Billy follows right in Steve's tracks.

“What? Think I been standin' there admiring the view?” his tone mocking, grin just so, but the way his tongue darts out is almost... suggestive? “I went to get in gear, and when I come back there's some fairy prancing around on the ice here.”

“Didn't know our school has a hockey team.” Steve decides to let the remark slip, but that's become such an easy thing from bullies like this Californian trash bag.

“We don't. But there's a local club that plays a few times a month, and basket gets boring quick when you're this good at it.” Billy lowers his brow and his grin grows wicked. “Hockey is much more... brutal.”

And he picks up the pace. Steve too, but Billy doesn't stop; continues to go faster, now so close that Steve can see just how clear blue those eyes are, pinned to his own honeyed brown.

Billy gives Steve a crude shove with his shoulder as he passes him by; sending the figure skater spinning a few times before he's now the follower, and Billy sticks out his tongue between shiny teeth as he notices Steve giving chase.

Faster again till their hair starts dancing in the wind, and with long, gracious strides, Steve's up next to where Billy is grinning something so dangerously. And the brunette can't help but smile as well, although less maniacally so.

“You got a shitty form, Hargrove,” Steve says as he scans the way Billy's slightly hunched over, legs all too far apart, elbows out.

“Oh so you are looking then?” Billy laughs and winks with those thousands of eyelashes.

And Steve feels himself nearly smile as wide as all the girls do when Billy turns his charm their way.

“Hockey isn't about being all queer and graceful, it's about being tough with a low center of gravity.”

Ignoring the slur, Steve asks, “You think I'm 'graceful'?” and grins all cocky.

But Billy's own lips fall from where they were curled around his mustache. “Yeah, like a fucking girl.”

“And you don't like girls?” Steve laughs now, and the sudden anger in Billy's eyes only makes it even more amusing.

“I do,” his tone is flat.

“Then I'll take it as a compliment.” Steve is almost convinced he catches a nervous smile on Billy's lips at those words, but the jock speeds up before he's too sure.

And Steve does too, faster even, surpassing Billy far enough so that he can safely make a sudden curve in front of him. Loves the little shocked “fuck!” as Billy brakes.

Steve then turns to look at the hockey player, who's smiling and following along with rampant speed, something that will hurt if he could get to slam into Steve, but with grace he swerves out of the way of the raging bull.

Billy shaves the ice when he makes a recklessly sharp turn, and aims for Steve once more with his tongue out and wagging, eyes wide with intent.

A smile spreads on Steve's face at how eager Billy continues being with this little dance they're doing, and sets off towards him. Sweat is starting to form on his brow, and maybe his thighs and hips are quivering slightly, but this is so exhilarating and fun.

Billy braces himself for collision, and Steve bends forward, their eyes frozen together in an intense stare in a game of chicken. But seconds before they would have broken each others noses no doubt, Steve slips aside once more with a flourish.

Yet feels a hand grip on to his own, as Billy makes a shocking smooth curve around to reach for Steve's hand, but with no preparation between either of them for such a move, they spin out of control for a few short seconds, both of them struggling on uncertain feet to find a common rhythm, before they fall onto the ice.

The hit Steve takes to the back of his head hurts all the way in his teeth, and his entire face pinches together in a pained grimace. He knows this is going to turn into a headache that will last him for the rest of his day. Lying still with exhaustion and pain on the chilled ground, he feels air blowing across his skin, and when he opens his eyes...

Billy's only inches away. Out of breath, panting with an open mouth and a near terrified look in his pale eyes, as he stares down at Steve, hands on either sides of a quickly reddening face.

They share air in silence for far too long before Billy says, “In hockey, always predict your opponents moves.” And he stands up.

Steve raises up on his elbows as he watches Billy slowly skate away, something so hesitant about his moves now, no more macho bravado to his posture.

But he stops with a hand on the glass of the rink, and looks over his shoulder at where Steve remains floored. This far away, he can't tell his expression, but can clearly hear the words-

“See you next time, pretty boy.”

[earwaxinggibbous]

Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2019

So 2019 was kind of a weird year, wasn’t it? Not just for like, life, though it was weird in that aspect, but in music.

I can’t tell if 2019 was an incredibly strong year for music or a weak one. This, to me, is a sign that we’re transitioning into a new era of popular music. The youth are once again taking the reigns of the music scene as did the punks of the 70′s and the grunge kids of the 90′s. Meanwhile, the oldheads flounder for relevance in the face of this new adversity. “Nobody could’ve expected this!”, said no-one ever.

There was a lot of great pop this year, which I will get to, but there was also a lot of bad pop. All of it was either by shitty new artists who have no talent or previous hitmakers swimming around in their own piss. Regardless, it was all interesting to look at. You won’t see any “this entry is short because this song is boring” sections. I also won’t have to rant and rave constantly about the reprehensibility of certain artists, though it will come up. So I guess 2019 was a better year to talk about bad music.

Less do dis.

10. Senorita - Camila Cabello and Shawn Mendes

I can’t explain why I hate Camila Cabello so much. I didn’t even realize I hated her until, like... now.

I thought Havana was okay, and her work with Fifth Harmony was tolerable, but every other single she’s dropped has been fucking excruciating. Bad Things sucked, that one song where she can’t pronounce the word “heroin” properly sucked, and this song sucks.

Much like Selena Gomez above, Camila Cabello is yet another female singer who lacks the ability to display any chemistry with anybody, even her actual real friend Shawn Mendes. As well, like sister Gomez, she fills the chart niche of sexy Latina women for men to drool over. “I love it when you call me senorita” is one of the corniest and stupidest lines ever written. She may as well have said “it gets me hot when you call me Ms. Cabello” because that’s essentially the equivalent. 

There’s nothing sexy about the airy whimpering or the obnoxious “ooh-la-la”s or the way Shawn harmonizes, which implies he also loves it when you call him senorita. Nobody actually bothered to think any part of this song through because nobody ever thinks very hard about writing Camila’s songs. Otherwise Bad Things wouldn’t have accidentally sounded like an abuse anthem when it was supposed to be kinky and sexy. And it’s how creepy lyrics like this got by in Senorita.

If he says you’re just friends then you’re JUST FRIENDS. Did we learn nothing from Ann-Marie and Marshmello last year?

This is just yet another lame, plotless, meandering love/sex song by Camila Cabello who has a good voice, but only ever performs these god-awful sex jams with no sex and no jam. And it’s unfortunate because this is sort of the lot dealt to most Latinx artists. Pop-friendly artists like Camila are divvied up into racial categories without anyone even noticing, and most likely she will only ever write and perform sex jams because that’s what a Latina woman in pop is pushed into. Not that I think she has any problem with it, it’s more indicative of a bigger problem than specifically one with Camila herself.

People have been sexualizing the Latinx community since the dawn of time, and while the new movement of Spanish music might change this, it sure as hell hasn’t started yet.

At least it isn’t seven minutes long like Te Bote.

9. Money in the Grave - Drake and Rick Ross

Drake had 25 hits last year, and only one of them was a song I might say I actually like. I remember I said there’d be no boring songs, but... Drake hasn’t been interesting in a long time. Even when I found out about his secret son, or the fact that he was with a significantly younger woman, I just kinda shrugged and said “oh”. Drake has to be on his way out. How much longer are people going to stand this?

Money in the Grave isn’t as turgid as 2018’s Nonstop, or as audibly inept as the 2017(?)’s Pop Style, but God. At this point, every Drake song sounds the same. The man is incapable of bringing forth any kind of emotions, his beats are pathetic drum loops, nothing he writes has any personality. It’s almost funny how boring his music is.

Rick Ross, if you remember him, was known in his time for writing shouty drug dealer anthems. He yelled a lot, and I was sitting with bated breath waiting for him to fucking 6ix9ine scream over this track, only to be disappointed when he lowered into a calmer register for this tune. Drake even made Rick Ross boring, and Rick Ross is one of the funniest bad rappers I can think of, aside from like, Soulja Boy.

I no longer understand what niche Drake fills. You can’t dance to this, you can’t get high to it, nobody’s gonna think you’re cool if you enjoy it, the lyrics aren’t even passably interesting. It’s the same rap cliches as always, perhaps with a new coat of paint, but said paint is the same color as it already was previously, and makes no change. 

No wonder Drake endorsed Lil Baby. Nobody else can equal his talent at sounding bored.

8. Bad Guy - Billie Eilish

So here’s an unpopular music critic opinion: I don’t like Billie Eilish.

I’ve known of her for a long time, and never once has she drawn my intrigue. I’ve gone all over asking people why they like her, and I’ve heard all sorts of answers. Her voice is good, her lyrics are good, her production is interesting, her subject matter is deep... whatever it actually is, I couldn’t tell you. But in the end, I basically feel the same way about her as I do about Twenty-One Pilots. She’s an artist in an oversaturated micro-genre who, despite being of lower quality than her contemporaries, managed to do something different enough that she rose up in the latter part of the genre’s life. In Billie’s case, it’s the trend of female alt-pop singer-songwriters who write about things like politics, feminism, and ESPECIALLY mental health.

Lorde was the original, but we also have Lana Del Rey, the more pop-friendly Halsey, Marina and the Diamonds, the dreaded Melanie Martinez, to some extent even Alessia Cara, just a whole bunch of them. They all had their own unique personality. Billie Eilish’s personality is that she has none.

Okay, I’m being a little mean. I do think that Billie’s music videos are actually very interesting, but good music videos does not a good musician make. Her voice is more of a phlegmy whisper than people let on, and her lyrics... like, what, what makes them so special? And why didn’t wish you were gay get ANY backlash when it’s basically just a backwards version of Little Big Town’s Girl Crush?

Bad Guy is the worst of her singles without question. Its beat, much like most of her songs, sounds like two people accidentally banged on top of the Cassio and somebody pressed record. Her voice continues to be boring and flat, for some reason she has to whisper everything, and the lyrics are some of the most mind-numbing shit I’ve ever heard. Which moron at corporate told the 17-YEAR-OLD to write a “steal yo man” song where she threatens to seduce my dad? Like, ignoring my own personal history with my dad, you are literally a CHILD.

Generally speaking, the song sounds like someone gargling mouthwash in my ear for a minute or two, but like, very quietly. Which is kind of pathetic for a song called Bad Guy. You sound like a pretty average guy to me.

It’s obvious from the music video that Billie’s main inspiration is grunge, and if that isn’t the case I’ll be surprised. The weird imagery and intentionally dressing like a homeless person to every public thing she does gives off big Nirvana energy. One could argue that Billie Eilish is a good segway into teaching the youthsters about the ghosts of music’s past. There’s just a few problems with that.

One: Bad Guy sounds nothing like a grunge song.

Two: Billie Eilish does not have a grunge voice.

Three: Billie Eilish just... isn’t doing it right.

Billie Eilish’s parents are two wealthy actors and she was basically born with the ability to get into the business easier than other people. I’m not saying that you can’t be a grunge artist if you’re wealthy and have a decent family life, but I am saying that Billie’s music doesn’t convey any kind of grunge appeal. There’s no roughness or rawness to it because she could immediately walk into a producer’s studio with a wad of fifties and ask for a sick beat. Her music displays no emotion, and emotion is the main draw of grunge. Like, Kurt Cobain wasn’t a very good singer, but he knew how to perfectly channel how he was feeling. Grunge music is about feelings, not polish. And Billie Eilish is all polish.

I’m not gonna get all angry because grunge is being gentrified by a tiny girl when it was originally started by broke heroin addicts and lesbians, but I am gonna get angry because her music sounds worse than albums made on a budget of 600 dollars by a guy who has had one voice lesson his whole life.

She should just go into modern art.

7. Worth It - YK Osiris

Originally I was gonna give this spot to a different song. Worth It was so immediately bad that it rescued Lil Baby from my list this year.

Don’t expect to be this lucky next year, bitch.

But we’re not talking about that squealing douchebag, we’re talking about THIS squealing douchebag:

YK Osiris. I have no idea where he came from, I think he was part of last year’s XXL Freshman Class? He’s more of a singer than a rapper, so I’m not sure why he was, other than the predetermined idea that all black artists in pop are rappers. I wouldn’t even call him a singer, because the man cannot sing.

At the beginning of the music video, you see dozens of paparazzi swarming around YK Osiris’ car as he exits with a girl. This is the set-up for the song’s impressive amount of self-fellating narcissism, as YK Osiris assumes he has fans. Who the fuck listens to YK Osiris? I mean, clearly someone, because he charted, but like... what does a YK Osiris fan look like? Do women actually like hearing him wheeze into their ear? Like BEES?

NO MORE BEES!

Hearing this fucking chicken nugget talk about whether or not I’m worth eet is the lamest thing. Why does she have to be worth it? Are YOU worth HER time? Who the fuck are you? The attitude is very, I guess, mid-70′s Paul Anka-esque. And now I’ve made you imagine a YK Osiris cover of You’re Having My Baby. I also remember Todd in the Shadows compared this song to Earned It by The Weeknd, but I dunno if I get that vibe.

I mean, Earned It is a song about like... BDSM sex, presumably. So that’s more of an “if you’re good master will make you squart” kind of thing. This is more some sentient dildo insisting that you prove his worth to him before you’re even DATING. That’s a red flag on the same level as meeting a guy who lives alone and still puts a lock on his fridge. Like, what’s in there? What’s in the fridge? Is it human meat?

The guitar solo in this song is the only thing about it that’s... worth it. ZING!

6. ZEZE - Kodak Black ft.Travis Scott and Offset

ZEZE is a bad song. Plain and simple. It’s the essence of bad.

It feels like... it wasn’t even finished. Like everyone involved came in the next day to finish tweaking it only to find out that it was already sent out to be published and sold. I feel like there are things missing. Like yeah, the steel drums are nice, but where’s the rest of the instrumentation? There’s a drum and a steel drum and then nothing. Why does this song feel so naked?

Kodak Black sure doesn’t help, still sounding like he’s half-man half-screaming rubber chicken and mumbling like an actual infant still figuring out the whole “talking” deal. It’s not like Travis Scott or Offset add anything. I can’t remember what they did. ZEZE sounds the way I imagine taking ketamine and cocaine would feel. This song is so amateurish, I almost have good will for it.

If this was made by, say, a couple of high school kids dinking around with a Garageband, I might find it a little cute. The problem is that this song was made by several Whole Ass Adult People who have enough money to not make shit that sounds like ZEZE. It’s cute until you remember that Travis Scott produced big sexy SICKO MODE and yet somehow his presence couldn’t make ZEZE sound like it was made on a higher budget than 20 bucks. Someone even put an echo on Kodak’s voice, like that’d make him ANY BETTER.

It doesn’t help that I have continuing ill will towards Kodak Black because he’s a sex offender and nobody seems all too pressed about it. (Some rappers even congratulate him for having a rough past, like yeah, I guess some of those serial killers really did deserve better, huh?) I won’t be satisfied until he’s wearing orange pajamas on an island far away, and until then my feelings stand.

As it is, ZEZE is a song so chintzy-sounding and lame that I can’t imagine who would enjoy it. This song has the same energy as one of those hula girls you put on the dashboard of your car: Cheap and ugly.

5. The Git Up - Blanco Brown

Whenever something new is created, there’s always a leech.

I probably don’t need to tell you about the monstrous year Old Town Road had on the pop charts. For weeks and weeks, Lil Nas X was blocking people from his throne at the top of the Billboard Hot 100, bumping off new faces like Billie Eilish and oldheads like Taylor Swift. Old Town Road knew no mercy. This is the year that a gay black kid singing about horses ruled the world.

And Blanco Brown wanted a piece.

Blanco Brown is one of those artists who started out producing and writing for other hitmakers. He worked on some song by 2Chainz, a couple by some woman named Demetria McKinney, he produced that accursed MILF song by Fergie, a lot of relatively famous people. But he looked at Old Town Road and realized that he, being a black man from the lovely state of Georgia, could also do that.

He could not do that.

The Git Up is a husk of a song, only validated by the fact that it achieved what it was aiming for: TikTok memes. It’s as shameless as Watch Me, but doesn’t even have the small sense of excitement Silento gives off. Blanco Brown’s The Git Up and the “challenge” that it’s attached to are pathetic. The only reason Blanco isn’t too ashamed to go outside after writing this is because he knows plenty of people have fallen into his trap, and that they’re bigger fools than he is.

I started off hating Old Town Road, but over time I’ve sort of come to love it. There’s innocence in it. Lil Nas X didn’t mean for it to be a number one hit, it just happened. A lot of artists were trying too hard this past year, and I suspect it’s why Old Town Road made the pop charts its bitch. It didn’t have to try.

A lot of people will point at rock bands for being “fake”. If they draw inspiration from grunge or punk, and they don’t have the proper edge, many will point and laugh. But just because something is fun and hip doesn’t mean it’s easier to make. In fact, I feel it’s a lot easier to tell if someone’s making a shitty pop song for any reason other than themselves. A lot of people thought Lil Peep was faking, and he really, really wasn’t. There’s grey area in topics like depression, but Blanco Brown (and anyone like him) is as transparent as a window. I see through his mock-excitement, his cute little dance challenge, his “innocent” song. We all do.

I believe Tyler Durden put it best:

“Sticking feathers up your butt does not make you a chicken.”

4. I Don’t Care - Ed Sheeran ft. Justin Bieber

Speaking of being fake...

I don’t know if Ed Sheeran realizes how embarrassing this song is. More than any other song he’s been involved in. More than Shape Of You, or that one song on Revival, more than anything. I Don’t Care is an exercise in humiliation.

Generally speaking, I don’t like Ed Sheeran’s music. I think he’s had a couple good songs, we all like Sing and Castle on the Hill, it’s not like he’s untalented. But every time he’s gotten a big hit these past few years it’s been so shitty or mediocre that I wanted to scream. I’m not sure why, but all of his fans seem to flock towards his worst songs. And of all of them, I hate I Don’t Care the most.

Usually the problems with Ed Sheeran’s music just revolve around his meek, tiny personality and his weird style of lyricism. The level of detail he gets into can be both an asset and a detriment. I remember I basically described Shape Of You as a virgin anthem, because Ed Sheeran exudes dorkiness. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, and when it comes to nerd music I’d rather take Thomas Dolby, but he definitely had a style.

I Don’t Care is Ed’s Intuition.

As in, the Jewel song. The blown-up pop song released by Jewel, a previously sincere folk singer who played acoustic guitar and sang about break-ups and The Media(TM) and stuff like that. Ed Sheeran is a lot like Jewel, if you think about it. Both of them are skilled lyricists who play acoustic guitar and sing about personal topics, and both of them suddenly decided to throw that away and make a sell-out pop hit. If this kills Ed’s career, they’ll have had basically the same musical trajectory.

Ed Sheeran opens the song by saying he’s at a party he doesn’t wanna be at, and that’s how the song feels. You, the listener, are at a party you don’t wanna be at. What good did adding Justin Bieber to this song do? Oh, right, that’s what made it a hit. I Don’t Care goes far beyond Blanco Brown’s brand of shamelessness. Blanco Brown specifically wanted a dance challenge hit. Ed Sheeran just wanted a hit. Any hit will do. He brought in guaranteed hitmaker Justin Bieber, tossed out his acoustic guitar for fully electronic production, and sang about something vague and already done. And the worst part is that it WORKED.

I imagine this was almost entirely through radio play, because this song is so radio-friendly and milktoast it’s unreal. With a stupid music video greenscreening Ed’s face onto shit and “ooh ooh”s and all, this song exists to pander. It wasn’t created for humans, rather, it was created for the pop music algorithm that’ll shove it into people’s laps without them asking. There’s no artistic integrity, nothing worth thinking about for longer than its runtime. It made it to the Hot 100 because it can be played in grocery stores and clothing stores and really any kind of store. Ed Sheeran is a God of nothing, and I can’t imagine he’s proud.

3. No Guidance - Chris Brown ft. Drake

This song is bad on every possible level. Starting off with the fact that it’s nine minutes long. It out-lengths last year’s overly long garbage fire that was Te Bote. 

And then you look at the credits and know exactly who’s to blame for all this:

I don’t know if Lil Dicky anticipated giving Chris Brown’s career a second wind with Freaky Friday, but I think that’s what he did. I defended Lil Dicky last year, and I’m still not clear on how much he actually wanted to work with Chris Brown since that’s not really the kind of thing famous people are honest about, but this wasn’t Lil Dicky’s hit. This was a springboard to launch Chris Brown back into the limelight. Earth didn’t even chart. I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the last gasp of Lil Dicky’s career in the spotlight.

But I’d take Freaky Friday over No Guidance any day.

No Guidance is the formal beef-squash between Chris Brown and Drake. Apparently they both dated Rihanna at some point and allegedly had an actual literal bar fight. Despite Drake claiming he still loves Rihanna, he’s also choosing to publicly make up with and work with the man who got her hospitalized at 19 years old. Then again, Rihanna also wants nothing to do with Drake.

(source)

Over time, Drake has proven himself to be his own flavor of scumbag, a weirdo who dates younger women and pretended not to have a son. Perhaps this is his way of getting back at Rihanna. Or he’s simply using Chris Brown’s new power to bolster his own career. Regardless of why it is, it’s gross, especially when he’s dropping bars like this:

Someone else here is looking a little violent, no?

On pure quality, it sounds like every other Chris Brown song, just with Drake tossed into the mix haphazardly. It’s a lame song about hitting on some girl where both artists drop references to their old songs because that’s the easiest way for a failing artist to feign relevance. Assuming nobody features Chris Brown on another massive hit next year, there’s a fair chance he’s done for, and after years of oversaturation, the public finally tires of Drake. No Guidance is a nothing song with scummy shit going on behind the scenes.

RIP Lil Dicky.

2. 7 Rings - Ariana Grande

I never really understood the hype around Ariana Grande. She has a few songs that I enjoy, and her voice is very good, but nothing by her really stands out to me as an amazing song. Ariana stans are relentless. When I posted my review of the thank u, next album some complete stranger replied to it with “Uhhh ok sis”. Like barring the fact that I’m not a girl and we’re not related... it’s an opinion, calm yourself.

Frankly I don’t know how people enjoyed this song. Her stans are insane, but surely not that insane, right? I mean... this isn’t a song. It’s a MISTAKE.

Between Gwen Stefani and Ariana Grande, sampling The Sound Of Music for your pop song is a dangerous game. And really, she should’ve sampled like, anything else. Because nothing says “wealthy, savage girl” like a cute song about your favorite things, I guess!

I’ve never felt quite so immediately gross and uncomfortable as I did when listening to 7 Rings. I have no problem with women flexing, of course I don’t, but this isn’t flexing, it’s mocking. 7 Rings makes me feel like I’m being bullied.

Ari had a horrible 2018, and she’s more than allowed to flex a little, but I can’t imagine why anyone would want to essentially play the villain of a high school movie. She’s not Cher Horowitz or Regina George, because then at least she’d be entertainingly bitchy. I judge a flex anthem based on how much I get excited for the person being wealthy and cool. This song makes me want to commit a robbery.

The lyrical content isn’t the only bad element. It also sounds like shit! 

Ariana Grande is a belter. Everyone knows she’s here to sing and not... rap. Which is exactly what she does on this song. The filters she puts over her voice during the rapping sections are just... gross. When she drags out certain words it hurts my ears. That and apparently multiple people have accused her of stealing their flows, though that’s really hard to say since it’s an incredibly generic rap flow. Also, she samples Gimme The Loot by Biggie Smalls, a song about robbing people. Which makes sense because if you bought Ariana’s album, you were robbed! Congrats!

But in the end, the most damning thing about this song is its lyrics. Why should I be excited about this absolute bitch having tons of money? Why should I care when she has the gall to say shit like this?

There were ten writers on this song and nobody thought of saying “hey, maybe the phrase ‘happiness is the same price as red-bottoms’ is a little fucking shallow!” 

And I’m not making any judgments on Ariana’s character in real life. I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice person, but if this song was supposed to project some sense of camaraderie and a “we did it!” attitude, it fails. What it does project is a snide, rich girl looking down on you for not just buying yourself out of depression. Never write a song like this again.

Honorable Mentions

Happier - Marshmello and Bastille

I’m not gonna be the first to say every Marshmello beat sounds exactly the same, but every Marshmello beat sounds the same. I picked this one because it charted highest, but really it makes no difference which Marshmello song I pick on.

Sweet But Psycho - Ava Max

This song reads like a 12-year-old’s deviantART journal.

Drip Too Hard - Lil Baby and Gunna

Like I said, this song almost got on the list proper. It’s a slow burn. At first you feel like the beat is solid, and Lil Baby rides it decently enough, but then it keeps going and the flows never switch and Gunna basically sounds the same as Lil Baby and you begin feeling like you’re losing your mind.

Thotiana - Blueface

People kept memeing about this. I thought it’d be fun. I hate you guys.

God’s Country - Blake Shelton

Namedropping The Devil Went Down To Georgia does not make you Primus. Because you are not creative or interesting.

Trampoline - Shaed

I wouldn’t have even given this song a second thought except apparently it’s hit the alt-rock charts? Where is this rock? Like I get we’re pushing the boundaries of genre but I think the bare minimum of a rock song would be a GUITAR.

Knockin’ Boots - Luke Bryan

This song is dumb. But I’m oddly amused by how dumb it is, so it may live.

Baby - Lil Baby and DaBaby

Sometimes things sound like a good idea, and then they’re not. This didn’t even sound like a good idea and it proved to be an even worse idea. Something definitely could’ve been done with this, but Lil Baby is essentially a creative void that consumes all it sees.

Someone You Loved - Lewis Capaldi

Another song that’s too dumb for me to really get mad at. God knows, Capaldi is putting a hell of a lot of effort into something. What it is, I’m not sure, but he’s doing his best.

With those out of the way, we move onto

Number One:

You Need To Calm Down - Taylor Swift

"I AM LAID LOW BY THE HUMAN RACE. ME, AN INNOCENT WOMAN, MUST DEAL WITH ‘HATERS’ EVERY SINGLE DAY. MY HEART HAS BECOME WEAK WITH ALL OF THE UNKIND WORDS. DARE I SAY... I AM OPPRESSED?”

It’s ironic hearing Taylor Swift tell me to calm down. She hasn’t been calm for a long time. She sure as hell isn’t calm in this song. It’s basically the equivalent of someone screaming “I AM NOT ANGRY!”

Like, you’re... still mad about the snake thing? It’s been a few years now and you’re still bothered enough by an emoji that you referenced it in a song about how not-bothered you are? I mean, apparently this song (as well as ME!) is about celebrating individuality. It definitely is celebrating an individual: Taylor Swift.

I think a big theme of this year was “embarrassing”. The Git Up was embarrassing, I Don’t Care was embarrassing, but none of them are more embarrassing than this. You could probably do a list of the ten worst Taylor Swift lyrics and it’d be mostly this song. And if the lyrics aren’t terrible enough, it also blatantly copies the beat from Sunflower, the second-biggest hit of the year and a personal favorite. Like, a fellow critic remixed them together and the backing track is essentially unchanged.

And then we get to the gay stuff.

I’m not the first to point out that the underlying message of this song is pathetic at best and offensive at worst: “I have haters, and gays have haters, so we’re basically the same.” This is essentially Taylor Swift hoping she’ll get an invite to judge on RuPaul’s Drag Race.

There’s just kind of an eensy weensy problem.

Gay “haters” are like... ACTUALLY DANGEROUS.

They’re not just the goofy, protest-sign waving boomers she depicts in her music video. An internet comment is harmless. Homophobia isn’t. Homophobia leads to suicide, gets teens kicked out of their homes, causes hate crimes, it can cause incredibly serious harm. Someone sending you a fucking snake emoji isn’t the same as years and years of systematic oppression!

Does Taylor Swift have to worry about her safety when she tours in more conservative areas? Does she have to fear the possibility of losing friends and family ties when opening up about herself? Does she have to worry about letting the public see who she dates, beyond the usual celebrity drama? Do people shout slurs at her on the street? Do churches and politicians campaign against her right to marry?

Of course not.

Taylor Swift has always made everything about herself. She’s lied and been petty for years and years in her music. Imagine lying about KANYE. You don’t need to lie about fucking Kanye to make him look bad! He does it himself! She was the victim that time, and every time. But at no point until now did she stoop low enough to openly compare herself to oppressed groups because people are mean to her on the internet.

Like this isn’t even about articles or tabloids or anything, it’s about people being nasty online. The phrase “shade never made anybody less gay” is basically a crackhead way of diminishing our suffering. It’s not “shade” we’re worried about, Taylor, it’s having our fucking legal rights taken away. Your biggest worry is “haters”. Haters aren’t going to ban you from being married.

This song is phony, it’s a rip-off of a much better song that literally came out in the same year, it’s repetitive, it’s petty, and most of all, it tries to diminish the oppression of the LGBT+ community by boiling down all of our pain and suffering to simple “shade”.

I will not calm down.

Woo-ee. That was something alright. We’ll be moving onto the best list soon, if I don’t get caught up in my other quarantine activities.

[chicagoindiecritics]

New from Robert Daniels on 812 Film Reviews: ‘Doctor Sleep:’ Is a Fanciful Dream…Until it Awakes

Rating: 3/4

Months after the events of The Shining (1980), bowl-cut bicycle pedaling Danny Torrance (Roger Dale Floyd) remains haunted by the phantasmagorical residents of the Overlook Hotel. He’s not talked for months, except to Hallorann (Carl Lumbly, a very believable stand-in for the legendary Scatman Crothers). Danny doesn’t want to ‘shine’ anymore. And who could blame him? The same corroded woman in the bathtub picked up sticks to his new home in Florida, still ghoulishly cackling. Hallorann instructs the exhausted boy to create an imaginary box in his mind, there he can entrap these hauntings—never to bother him again. But there’s another reason he should worry. Unbeknownst to him, a gang of specters consume the steam the shine provides, surviving through the ages on the final terrified breaths of children. 

Doctor Sleep fast forwards to 2011, a now adult Dan (Ewan McGregor) careens through life as a bar-brawling alcoholic. He drinks because the numbing feeling hides his shine, and connects him to his long, gone ill-fated father. He happens upon a small town in New Hampshire, meeting Billy (Cliff Curtis) and kicking his alcoholism. The first two acts of Mike Flanagan’s Doctor Sleep: the eponymous Stephen King written sequel to The Shining, radiates as a singular vision when Flanagan follows his style, yet dims in a disjointed third act that miraculously doesn’t inhibit a successful continuation of the revered Kubrikian work. 

Flanagan follows three narrative roads: Dan living life as an orderly, a young powerful girl Abra Stone (Kyliegh Curran), and the vicious band of mystical serial killers led by Rose the Hat (Rebecca Ferguson, wonderfully demented) and Crow Daddy (Zahn McClarnon). Doctor Sleep surprisingly communes poignancy and mortality. Dan’s work as an orderly puts him in direct contact—not with the dead—but those on the precipice. Many patients are scared, fearing the void. But Dan helps to ease their worries, allowing peaceful entries into the afterlife as he lightly reconnects with his shine. These segments are attuned to a hopeful dreaminess, far different from Kubrick’s penchant for tension.

In Dan’s room, there exists a blackboard where Abra telepathically communicates by writing simple messages to him: “Hello” and “Good morning.” She found Dan like a GPS signal, sensing the same shine in him. But Abra is an outcast: a weirdo to her friends. Thankfully, we never have to see her harness and discover her abilities as a narrative arc, or watch an all-powerful being learn empathy. Instead, she’s well aware of her capabilities—and Kyliegh Curran delivers a breakout performance in the process. Even so, Abra’s shine makes her a target.

Marauding serial killers roam the countryside, accompanied by The Newton Brothers’ brooding score. They look for children with the shine, focusing on adolescent victims because as we age we become polluted. When they locate their next kill they’ll decide if they will consume their steam or turn them to their team to “Live long, eat well.” One such person they turn is Snakebite Andi (Emily Alyn Lind), a 15-year old girl who lures pedophile, robs them, and leaves a snakebite scar carved by a knife on their faces. Their hunts resemble the most realistic depiction of serial killers in recent memory: Each member has a role in tricking children into their mitts, but it’s their gruesome murdering of them that unnerves. They literally gain sexual pleasure from such. And though Flanagan never depicts any gore, blood-turning screams of mutilated children imprints in the ear like tracks in wax.

Throughout these segments, Rebecca Ferguson literally captivates against type. Rarely a villain, here she’s entrancing— seething with anger and force. Her best scenes stretch from the unbridled rage she shown toward Abra: as the young girl attempts to uncover their crimes, and the comforting deathbed soliloquy: recalling memories of gladiators, popes, and kings gone by, she gives to one of her friends. It’s a refreshing turn for an actress who still hasn’t been given the kind of roles her talents begs for.

The first two acts of Doctor Sleep offer an impressive and unique take on the mythology of The Shining—a portrait of mortality told through the gloomy cinematography of Michael Fimognari expresses those who quietly embrace the void and those fighting against their dimming light. That poignant sentiment, with Dan reconciling the trauma caused by his father nestles Flanagan’s narrative in straws of intimacy and self-reflection, and returns McGregor a vaulted acting perch, demonstrating quiet ease and vulnerability to a character who’s known more of death and loss than most. Moreover, Flanagan’s sketching of Abra adds an endearing new hero to this universe. However, throughout he shows a world losing its shine, there’s less and less for Rose the Hat and her marauders to thrive on: a parable of our ever-growing postmodernist cynicism. They come after Abra because her shine could light the power grid of a small country, transitioning to an uneven third act of Dan and the young girl teaming together.  

They need to team together because in a fair fight, they’d lose. But together, in the Overlook Hotel, they stand a chance. Flanagan’s Doctor Sleep diverges from King’s in these crucial scenes. In his adaption, the director mostly tries to sincerely compose King’s interiority: the haunting synonyms of humanistic fears imbued in his characters and melancholic language. But in the third act, he tosses the author’s narrative away. That decision steers Doctor Sleep from a thoughtful expression of mortality and summoning one’s inner strength to a fright-less hall of mirrors homage to The Shining, recalling the hotel’s famous past inhabitants. The importance of Dan’s growth is thrown away and even Abra is left with not much to do. Mind you, this comes after we saw Abra excitingly deliver the backhand of the century to Rose the Hat. Instead, she’s rendered relatively mute: a sad conclusion for someone who circumvented the traps of Black magic. Both Abra and Dan are confined to the faithful but tawdry recreation of the Overlook through some questionable production design.

While Flanagan’s Doctor Sleep doesn’t demonstrate the courage to remain true to itself: not in the same manner Dan and Abra are to themselves, falling to a balancing act between his and Kubrick’s vision, the fascinating character studies of the film’s first half haunts us enough to make the lonely quiet moments of the night more existential by actualizing the literal and metaphorical dark through those closest to it. Those factors make Doctor Sleep a somewhat worthy and unique successor to The Shining.         

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[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 9th June 2019

Okay so full disclosure; I haven’t been enjoying writing this show for a while, mostly because of how I’ve been barely been able to keep up with life yet alone new music as it comes out each week... but let’s not get into detail. This isn’t what I’m here for, I’m here to ramble about pop music that probably isn’t all that interesting anyway, in this case a lot of British hip hop.

Top 10

“I Don’t Care” by Ed Sheeran featuring Justin Bieber is unsurprisingly still at the top after being at first place running on the chart ever since its debut four weeks ago.

Lil Nas X’s “Old Town Road” featuring Billy Ray Cyrus hasn’t moved since last week either, still at number-two.

In fact, the whole top 10 is stable and kind of stale. To exemplify that, only number-five has moved from last week. Hence, “Someone You Loved” by Lewis Capaldi is at number-three.

“Vossi Bop” by Stormzy holds on at number-four.

Billie Eilish’s “bad guy” actually moves a singular space up to number-five.

“Piece of Your Heart” by MEDUZA and Goodboys, however, has not at number-six.

“Hold Me While You Wait” by Lewis Capaldi is at number-seven.

The late Avicii’s “SOS” featuring Aloe Blacc is at number-eight. I’ll be up next week thanks to the album’s release.

To my surprise, Ed Sheeran’s “Cross Me” featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock is still at number-nine off of the debut last week. I’d like to add that this is an Ed Sheeran song with a producer tag. Huh.

Shawn Mendes’ “If I Can’t Have You” rounds off the top 10 by not moving at #10.

Climbers

Well, there aren’t many climbers this week, especially since it’s busy in terms of new arrivals, but there are some increases here. “Wish You Well” by Sigala and Becky Hill zooms up 15 spaces to #24 (Methinks it didn’t have a full tracking week last week as this sudden increase seems odd), whilst “Falling Like the Stars” by James Arthur continues an unfortunate gain up the charts as it’s moving up 10 spaces to #25. Other than that, we have nothing. However, it’s a different story with our Fallers.

Fallers

We’ll have to do what we usually don’t have enough fallers to do anymore and split it into genre categories, especially as pretty much everything in the second half of the Top 40 is in freefall.

In terms of pop, rock and EDM, “Summer Days” by Martin Garrix, Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy and Macklemore is down six spaces to #40 off of the debut, “Giant” by Calvin Harris and Rag’n’Bone Man continues its fall down six to #39, “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike is sadly down five to #38, “Late Night Feelings” by Mark Ronson featuring Lykke Li is down six to #36, “So Am I” by Ava Max collapses down 10 spaces to #35, “Easier” by 5 Seconds of Summer (Featuring Nine Inch Nails, simply because it’s funnier this way) is down five off of the debut to #34, “Talk” by Khalid is down six to #28, “Here with Me” by Marshmello and CHRVCHES is down four to #20, and that’s about it.

For hip-hop and R&B, we have slightly less notable hits, with “EARFQUAKE” by Tyler, the Creator featuring Playboi Carti and Charlie Wilson continuing its unfortunate fall down 13 spaces to #37, “Fashion Week” by Steel Banglez, AJ Tracey and MoStack falling down five spaces to #33, “Guten Tag” by Hardy Caprio and Digdat dropping down four to #27, right next to “OT Bop” by NSG collapsing down nine spaces to #26 off of the debut. We also have “The London” by Young Thug, J. Cole and Travis Scott down four to #22, “Keisha & Becky” by Russ and Tion Wayne down four to #19, and that’s all.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

Well, streaming cuts have snabbed “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi of its longevity as it drops out from #14 – no, I’m not complaining – and the same could be said for “Your Mrs” but JAY1 out from #37 but I’d argue that’s just because people are starting to realise the song is awful. Otherwise, well, streaming cuts have hurt “Sucker” by Jonas Brothers as well out from #20 and “Just You and I” by Tom Walker is out from #36 (There will be a rebound), but it’s not like I didn’t expect the Skepta album bomb of sorts to get rid of competition, as “Motorola” by DaBeatfreakz featuring Swarmz, Deno and Dappy is out from #38, “No Diet” by Digga D is out from #32 and... “Earth” by Lil Dicky and Friends, which isn’t competition for Skepta but would have been out from #40 anyway. There is one returning entry but we won’t be covering it in this section, because it’s time for the new arr—

ALBUM BOMB

Skepta – Ignorance is Bliss

New section time, I suppose, even though there won’t be any new content for the most part. This is just a separated space for me to talk about mini-album bombs as they don’t really exist in the UK, but they allow three songs from an artist at once. Hence, Skepta is currently charting three songs from his highly-anticipated album Ignorance is Bliss (Which I haven’t had the time or motivation to listen to, as with most recently-released albums), two of which are completely new and will be at both ends of the chart. There is one returning entry however, as “Greaze Mode” featuring Nafe Smallz, despite being pretty awful, reaches a new peak at #18 after dropping off last week.

#32 – “Bullet from a Gun” – Skepta

Produced by Skepta and Ragz Originale

Now, the BBC usually censors any objectionable material on the album covers and replaces them with a picture of the artist, but Skepta flipping the bird and holding a gun was fine here, I suppose. This song was actually part of the double A-side single Skepta released to promote the album before its release, but it never charted in the top 40 until it ended up as the opening song on the tracklist, as well as having a video pushed. Now, I hated “Greaze Mode” so hopefully its less accessible counterpart will be better, and, well, it is, but not because this is of insane levels of quality. The instrumental’s eerie synths here are hypnotic like most of Skepta’s self-produced synth loops but the infectiousness of the beat doesn’t translate to the vocals and content here, as his oddly low-mixed vocals under the trap percussion don’t go into any detail until the verse where he talks about how he can’t make any sorrowful songs mourning his father because he’s only thankful for him and how he has rubbed off on Skeppy himself, and then he actually goes into a pretty emotional verse about facing demons and considering seeing his daughter’s face every day as a blessing, with a rapid and blunt flow, because he can’t be sure every day that he’ll be alive to see the next morning, not because he’s still involved in gang violence as he’s matured from that experience but because he’s paranoid of those we are supposed to place our trust in most, the police. That’s only a few bars though, and while they connect and they are pretty powerful lines, it has to be book-ended with Skepta taking your girl because it was just your turn and not learning his lesson by shooting you as that’s just how the world works. I mean, this isn’t bad by any means, but staying on topic would be appreciated when you emphasise such heavy subject matter for as many bars as you do but completely abandon it by the end of that one extended verse. The beat’s great, though, and Skepta’s delivery has always been pretty aggressive on these types of beats, so for what it is, it’s decent and it works fine for Skepta’s 13th Top 40 hit. Next.

#14 – “What Do You Mean?” – Skepta featuring J Hus

Produced by Skepta and iO

Now this is Skepta’s 14th Top 40 hit over here in the UK and J Hus’ sixth (In terms of top 20 hits, it’s Hus’ third and Skepta’s fourth). J Hus, recently released out of prison, delivered a consistently fire and really impressive feature verse on Dave’s “Disaster” last time we had a British hip-hop album bomb onto the charts, and has performed with Drake hours after he was released, but honestly a lot of the time I find J Hus to be uninteresting in his solo work, and his last album was droning and honestly pretty dull. This, on the other hand, is a complete banger. Skepta’s self-produced beat is equally as menacing and eerie as “Bullet with a Gun” but I see it takes some steps from ‘90s G-funk with that synth line, backed up by strings and plunging 808s. J Hus’ Auto-Tuned chorus is really slick, and he shows a lot of swagger in his funky yet relatively mellow hook, before Skepta comes in bouncing with a pretty intense verse. Is the content anything interesting? No, but it’s not trying to, and when the beat is this interesting of an amalgamation of trap, G-funk and freaking banjos in the second chorus, as well as smooth as hell flows delivered by Skepta, you don’t need insane lyricism. I love how the multi-tracked vocals from J Hus transition perfectly into Skeppy’s verses as well, and both ride the beat fantastically. Not much to say about this one but I’m glad to see some trap with an actual groove to it that doesn’t overstay its welcome, as well as performers who know what they’re doing spitting on it. Oh, and the vocals are actually mixed decently this time. Seems like Skeppy’s mixing may be a bit inconsistent especially on the vocal side, as the bass and kick here are much louder than they need to be. I love this, though, so check it out.

Oh, yeah and J Hus crooning “North Korea” is hilarious to me.

NEW ARRIVALS

#31 – “Mother’s Daughter” – Miley Cyrus

Produced by Andrew Wyatt – Peaked at #10 in Hungary and Slovakia, #54 in the US

Miley Cyrus has released another absolute trainwreck of an album a la Dead Petz, but this time it’s harder to swallow as it’s just an EP and all tracks take on a different style of music, despite being primarily trap-influenced. That sounds like it’d be an interesting venture into the Cyrus psyche but nope, SHE IS COMING is just as awful as I and many others expected, but the breakout single, her 16th UK Top 40 hit, doesn’t exactly make that evident, because instead it’s just mediocre, almost painfully so. This starts with a scratchy guitar mumble before exploding into a synth-lead trap beat, complete with high-pitched vocal samples, but it seems really lightweight, mostly because all these pop princesses that try their hand on trap beats can’t pick a beat with any bass or intensity, especially when this song is about playing up a archetypal villain role for the media, I assume, and despite the distortion on her vocals she still has the country twang, can’t flow for the like of her and belts a post-chorus that is pitchy and hard to listen to. Really, the whole song is just one big mess, not even mixing wise as it’s completely fine on a technical level (Although the lack of much noticeable sub-bass to speak of concerns me), but the messiness of the songwriting really shows in the bridge, which essentially takes away the gliding synths and places the scratchy guitar groaning in its place, whilst Miley rapid-fire spits an incredibly janky flow. The final chorus also has these “Oh, my God” lines as filler to replace the lines in the chorus, which doesn’t break up the monotony of this song at all. The cringeworthy outro aside, this is just boring – and it looks like I won’t get a break from dullness anytime soon.

#16 – “Bruises” – Lewis Capaldi

Produced by Lewis Capaldi and James Earp – Peaked at #19 in Scotland

When I said that Capaldi had streaming cuts, that may not have been entirely accurate as Capaldi has debuted his fourth UK hit in the top 20 to replace “Grace”, so seemingly the three song per artist rule has kicked out the lowest performing song. Now Capaldi’s success doesn’t surprise me, because there’s no one making breathy, low-key ballads that Sheeran specialised in – well, there are, they’re just not gaining real traction – so we need to fill a hole while Sheeran’s off partying at a party he doesn’t want to be at with Justin Bieber and PNB Rock. I am, however, incredibly disappointed by his success, because he and James Arthur make me want to throw bricks at squirrels. Now this is actually his first official single as it was released independently (And on his label) back in early 2017, but thanks to inclusion on his newest album, has had a boost two and a half years late, and we weren’t really missing anything. I’ve heard this before reviewing the charts this week, I feel it was an advert, and it really does seem like a song for melodramatic commercials. I’ll give it to him, Capaldi has strength and he has a lot of power in his young voice, with a rock edge I appreciate that Arthur doesn’t have, but this instrumental is painfully simple, to the point where it’s so minimal that it can’t work, especially with Capaldi’s multi-tracked falsetto nonsense crooning, as that would make much more sense with an actual drum beat instead of just soul-less piano notes being looped under Capaldi essentially vocally riffing. By the final chorus and bridge, you’d expect some strings or something, surely, but, no, it stays as it was until the last second, where a secondary piano line plays... and it just plays the vocal melody from the chorus, once. It’s not worth it at that point, and there’s not even a stylish finish to the whole thing. To be fair, it’s the only Capaldi song I’ve heard that isn’t excruciating. Doesn’t mean it’s any good though.

#15 – “Shine Girl” – MoStack featuring Stormzy

Produced by Ill Blu, TSB and Levi Lennox

God, I really don’t like MoStack. I’ve never heard a chorus or verse from him that’s compelling in his five Top 40 hits (and three Top 20 hits) since “No Words”, and most of his singles are Auto-Tuned faux-dancehall faux-grime nonsense, but he’s just released a 40-minute album (Delightful) with features from J Hus, Dave, Fredo and of course Stormzy, who has propelled one of the STACKO tracks to the top 20, becoming his 14th Top 40 hit and his seventh Top 20. Is it any good? Well, actually, it’s much better than most of MoStack’s stuff, mostly because the twinkling synths in this Afrobeats track are actually fitting as instead of attempting to be threatening, menacing or intimidating, it’s a love song. Stormzy’s hook, despite being somewhat overly possessive, is somewhat cute and the multi-tracked harmony backing vocals are really nice... MoStack exists though, and the content here pretty much chalks up to having sex with other girls despite the fact that both Stormzy and MoStack are always talking about how they love the sex from this girl in particular. MoStack is nasal and irritating as usual, although I do like the completely irrelevant line where he asks why Stormzy’s high

Wait, Stormzy, why you look so damn high?

It’s offbeat, drenched in Auto-Tune and reverb, and mixed below both the instrumental and Stormzy, but overall, MoStack is mostly a non-presence, so that’s cool. I like Stormzy’s hook well enough, and the piano dwindling at the tail-end is pretty excellent, so, you know what, Stacko, you get a pass for now.

#13 – “Never Really Over” – Katy Perry

Produced by Zedd and Dreamlab – Peaked at #4 in Scotland and #15 in the US

So, she’s back. Katy Perry has been existent for  a while now but she hasn’t released that big comeback single since her waning success with the Witness era, so she’s come back with a bang... except it’s a Zedd production and it’s only in the top 20. To be fair, I’d accept anything if I had just experienced that trainwreck of an album cycle. Did you guys hear about how Zedd doesn’t actually produce or compose his own beats, though? Yeah, that’s pretty dreadful, apparently he can’t play piano in a note other than C. I don’t believe that for a second personally, but the dude absolutely tears into Zedd, it’s hilarious. Anyway, is this Katy Perry song any good? Well, it does take me back to the days where Katy Perry was massive, with the cute yet simplistic synth line and finger-snaps making up a vibe similar to the introductions to a lot of her earlier hits. It is familiar overall actually, I swear I’ve heard that vocal melody in the pre-chorus before. The rattling percussion adds some bounce but may be a bit too stiff and unnatural, as a lot of Zedd’s production is. The snares and even Perry’s vocals are clipping over the cloudy synth mix in the chorus, however, and the lyrics are repetitious and somewhat meaningless... but who cares? That drop is incredible. The song could be a Chris Brown song featuring posthumous vocals from XXXTENTACION produced by Tay Keith if it had that fun, 80s-reminiscent drop which Katy Perry essentially triplet-flows over. The way it carries into the bridge as well makes it very manic and it works as a damn good post-chorus. Oh, yeah, and that ticking clock is annoying, and only made sense in “Stay” and “The Middle”. I’d say stop using it, but Zedd doesn’t exactly have much control over his compositions so I’m gonna say it’s Dreamlab’s fault for implementing it if anyone. It’s really jankily pushed into this song and doesn’t make for a good outro at all, there’s literally a clock solo. Oh, yeah, and this is Katy Perry’s 28th UK Top 40 hit. That’s insane.

Conclusion

There’s not much really to go home about here, although Best of the Week is probably going to Skepta and J Hus for “What Do You Mean?”, with the Honourable Mention going to both Skepta and Katy Perry – yep, it’s a tie – for “Bullet with a Gun” and “Never Really Over”, while Worst of the Week is easily going to Miley Cyrus for “Mother’s Daughter”. In fact, I’d be hesitant to give ANYONE, even Reviewing the Charts nemesis Lewis Capaldi (and MoStack for that matter), a Dishonourable Mention of any sort. Hence, follow me on Twitter @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings, sarcastically quote-tweeting Piers Morgan and I’ll see you next week.

[tonguetiedmag]

concert: Midnight world tour pt 3

Shows at the Black Sheep will always hold a special place in my heart--10 minutes from my house in the town I grew up in, I went to my first GA show ever here and many more throughout my teenage years. Being a very intimate room in a moderately sized city that has almost no music scene, shows here are always a giant hit or miss; that being said--The Midnight Tour Part 3 may be the best show I’ve seen at this venue yet.

With a giant troupe of Denver-local fans who travelled to be there mixed with the familiar faces of the Colorado Springs crowd, I was surprised at the unwavering energy the crowd held throughout the night. Despite the crowd the room drew in changing pretty drastically in between sets, a new pack of passionate fans, crowd-surfers, and lyric-screamers seemed to pop up for every artist.

Shows at this venue have often been forgettable--I can’t even remember the last time I attended a show at The Black Sheep, but the pleasant shock of the energy this show brought in is something I will never forget.

Pure-Noise group Selfish Things welcomed in the evening, invoking excited shrieks from the room just 30 minutes after doors. Although I was personally unable to watch their set, I surely heard about it from fellow music fans for the rest of the night. I spoke with Denver-local live music lover Alexander Chase about their thoughts on the group’s performance, who told me, “Their set was absolutely fantastic. The mix of going from soft music to music I can beat the shit out of someone [to] was perfect and it mixed well. The best part was .. their stage presence! They got the crowd involved and their performance was amazing.” Despite not having heard of Selfish Things prior to the show, when asked if they would see the group again, Chase answered, “I sure as hell would see them again.” Much of the small talk with friends and strangers alike throughout the evening showed me that many there held similar sentiments, and I’m positive next time the four-piece rolls through the area they will not disappoint.

With an instant wave of spirited fans rushing the stage and deafening cheers filling the room, I knew that could only mean one thing: Richmond-based pop group Broadside’s set was in its beginning moments. Rocky Mountain Broadside fans were treated with being the first ears to hear the band’s new singles, “King of Nothing” and “Empty” at a live show, and fans made sure their love for the group’s new music was known via their relentless crowd surfing. Broadside also ripped fan favorites like “Coffee Talk” and “Laps Around a Picture Frame” as well as throwing in older, lesser-known tracks like “Damaged Kids”. Despite the altitude and being drenched in sweat, the musicians rose to the challenge of matching the energy the crowd was giving. As a result, the men of Broadside cultivated that intense feeling of adrenaline-fueled interconnectedness between everyone there that is one of my favorite things about going to live shows. Although the music filling the rest of the evening was equally as entertaining, Broadside without a doubt produced the most active crowd of the night and I loved every moment of it-- and I haven’t been able to stop listening to them since.

Emarosa was up next -- Emarosa is one of those bands that I’ve known about for a while, but somehow never got around to listening to before this night, so I had no idea what to expect. When I asked a friend nearby what their sound was like, I was answered with “Dance Gavin Dance, but without the screaming.” Without any prior knowledge of the band’s history, this struck me as a seemingly contradicting description, but less than a minute into the group’s set, I understood exactly what they meant. Although delivering pop-focused tracks, I could hear the influences sonically from the group’s older, heavier releases that they melded with pop and sprinkled some funk into to create their current vibe. The group gave off a light-hearted all smiles energy, spreading an infectious positivity that prompted head-bopping from audience members which turned into full-body dancing and laughter. Although at times throughout the set lead vocalist Bradley Walden’s dialogue came off as overly cocky, I can appreciate that swaggering stage personality is often an integral part of making an artist’s performance. The music and talent from the rockers spoke for itself, who are clearly no strangers to a fun time. They seamlessly strummed out an intriguing groove, producing a slightly disco-esque element that I have yet to hear from a modern rock group. The sound made it impossible not to move and kept my ears paying attention. Adding some flair to their live performance, towards the end of their set previously mentioned lead-vocalist Bradley Walden lifted the group’s guitarist onto his shoulders, working his way through the crowd and managing to deliver solid vocals while balancing his bandmate. As Emarosa’s stage time came to a close, the men had the crowd come close to a huddle, cheering out “Peach Club”, the name of the group’s latest release at the count of three. I appreciated the familial feeling the moment created as the excitement from their set came to a head, and I certainly won’t allow myself to be a stranger to what this bunch does in the future.

Stagehands worked quickly to transition all the moving parts of headline group Set it Off’s production into place amongst the chatter of tipsy moms, excited pre-teens and everyone in between. Before long the room went dark, illuminated only by the nearly-haunting blue light coming from the timer now displayed on stage, paired with a room-filling audio message that said “2 minutes until ‘Midnight’”. A cute play on words in regards to the group’s latest album, ‘Midnight’ and a smart way to build on the anticipation in the air, it quite literally set the stage for the level of production the rest of the night would hold. Set it Off provided all the fundamental aspects of a stellar performance; strong vocals, likeable stage presence, precise instrumentals--but what resonated with me most was the level of production and visuals that united with those fundamentals to create an unforgettable act.

Opening with the danceable and lively track, “Lonely Dance”, the group did an appreciable job incorporating deeper cuts into the setlist along with the fresh releases. Changing things up just before the mid-way point of their set, lead vocalist Cody Carson opted to hop behind the drumset, while drummer Maxx Danziger took to center-stage to the mic-stand, ukulele in hand to strum out a stripped-down version of “Bad Guy”, surprising fans with the treat of welcoming Danziger on to lead vocals for the track. Additional surprises during Set it Off’s performance included the amount of gleeful crowd surfing from fans, Carson cracking a joke in between songs about the potential for concussions in the front row and checking to make sure both barricade-bearing attendees and crowd surfers alike were all doing okay.

The quality of the performance didn’t falter for even a moment, despite all the new aspects incorporated into the set compared to previous tours the group has done for this album cycle. It was clear to me the longevity of Set it Off’s career can be attributed to the performer quality these men hold in their bones. It didn’t matter what was happening; intent was present always. In particular, drummer Maxx Danziger offered a captivating personality onstage -- incredibly animated while drumming, and still performing when he wasn’t. Everything between propping his feet up on his set paired with a sassy wink, to engaging the crowd to get excited whenever guitarist Zach DeWall ripped an impressive riff or lead vocalist Cody Carson delivered a difficult vocal.

Danziger’s true shining moment was offered during a drum solo that including a medley of current chart topping songs such as “Old Town Road” (Lil Nas x Billy Ray Cyrus) and “If I Can't Have You” (Shawn Mendes) while also incorporating current internet humor cultural aspects, drumming to the mii theme song and including fun spins on memes that have been circulating around Twitter as of late.

Guitarist Zach DeWall additionally impressed me with his focused finger-picking in one of the final songs of the set, “Midnight Thoughts” delivering a difficult riff and executing it with precision that had the crowd cheering and grooving. Lead vocalist Cody Carson offered consistent vocals and even more heightened stage presence. The power of the individual forces these three musicians hold fusing together was undeniable as the entire room bounced to the closing song of the evening, fan favorite “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing”.

Between the deeply rooted and evidently long-practiced musicality and talent this trio holds, paired with the impeccably captivating visuals and heightened production this tour offers, I definitely walked away having been more entertained than expected. I have a feeling that’s going to be a trend with this trio -- constantly presenting an improved performance every tour, every show, every night.

I’m ecstatic that I was able to enjoy the first night of this lineup, and you won’t want to miss it if it comes near your city -- The Midnight World Tour Part 3 has something for every pair of ears, whether they’re familiar with any of the artists going into the evening or not -- you won’t be disappointed with this tour package.

Review by: Liz Holland

[junker-town]

31 cool things to watch for during the 2017 NBA playoffs

Every team and player in the playoffs has a unique skill or two. Here’s how you can discover and appreciate them.

The NBA Playoffs begin Saturday, but these NBA teams and players have been building up to this moment for years. They’ve honed their skills, sharpened their set plays, and built in different counters to keep defenses off balance. The game is breathtaking, but there is a technical side to it that fuels those amazing athletic feats.

This list will attempt to celebrate some of those cool nuts and bolts that make the NBA’s athletic greatness possible. It’ll require some close viewing to spot these plays and player quirks, but they appear all the time. Consider this a hunt for the Easter Eggs of the NBA Playoffs.

Last year’s list had 36 items. Several of those still apply this year, but we’ve added an additional 31 for you to find as you watch these games. Each of the 16 teams is represented at least once. If there are any other special plays or player quirks you’d like to highlight, drop them in the comments section. These teams and players do amazing things that should be celebrated, and I’m sure I missed a bunch.

In no particular order:

1. Russ in the high pick and roll — with many twists

Every list should start with Russell Westbrook, so let’s begin by analyzing how the Thunder use him.

A majority of the Thunder’s offense ends with a Westbrook high pick and roll. That’s what happens when you have Russ and not much else.

To add some variety into the mix, the Thunder tinker with the screening angles on those high screens. They’re one of the main practitioners of the Spain pick and roll, a staggered double screen that asks the second man to pick off the help defender or pop into open space. But they don’t always run those double screens with the same two people. Sometimes, they have both big men do the deed.

Sometimes, a guard sneaks in.

Sometimes, they’ll have a third player screen off the screener’s defender before he sets a pick for Westbrook.

Plus, you’ll often see Steven Adams or Enes Kanter screening off their own man instead of Westbrook’s. This is a Thunder routine ever since the days of Kendrick Perkins, and it works because Westbrook is usually fast enough to beat his own guy. Instead of drawing help, Westbrook can waltz to the rim without anyone in his way.

These wrinkles allow Billy Donovan to disguise what everyone knows is coming.

2. The Boston Loop

Back in February, I noted a pet play the Celtics run for Isaiah Thomas. He hands the ball off to one big man, loops around both sides of the paint, and then pops out to receive a dribble handoff going to his left. This allows him to run away from bigger, slower defenders and get to the basket.

But the reason that play works is that it’s flexible. The Celtics have a different version of it when Thomas is on the bench that ends with Marcus Smart parking his butt in front of the basket.

They can also have Smart slip to the basket for a layup off Thomas’ curl.

They can bring the ball to the other side of the court and have Al Horford and Avery Bradley run a dribble handoff.

More recently, the Celtics have used Thomas to set an unsuspecting backscreen to free the power forward for a backdoor lob. The defense thinks Thomas is coming back to the ball like usual and are left unprepared for this wrinkle.

Brad Stevens: Pretty clever.

3. Kawhi the bulldozer

The irony about Kawhi Leonard turning into one of the league’s scariest isolation players is that you don’t think of him having a signature move. He just gets by dudes without dancing around.

The behind-the-back dribble is decent here, but look how much ground Leonard covers against Jerami Grant without going side to side.

And look at Leonard bulldoze J.J. Redick after a simple in-and-out dribble.

This speaks to Leonard’s core strength. The goal of any one-on-one player is to thrust their shoulders by the defender to create a driving angle. Most great ones do so by moving laterally or changing speeds, but Leonard accomplishes the goal by going straight ahead. He forces defenders to open up, and they just bounce off him when they try to catch up.

That also facilitates Leonard’s deadly step-back jumper. He creates space with his body as much as his feet.

4. Giannis as the point guard and the big man ... at the same time

You know the nice thing about having a 7’ lead ball-handler? He can also play like a 7’ big man on the same play.

On this common set, Antetokounmpo dribbles up the left side and runs off a staggered double screen involving the point guard and one big man. As the big man rolls, the point guard will pop back to the left wing. If Antetokounmpo has an opening, great! If the big man is open, even better!

But if not, Antetokounmpo can then toss the ball back to the point guard and immediately transition into another pick and roll with him diving to the basket. He goes from point guard to big man, all in a few seconds.

You’ll see this more often when Matthew Dellavedova is in the game than Malcolm Brogdon, but it’s still a terrific ace in the hole whenever the Bucks want.

5. The Cavaliers’ UCLA Seal

This is a thing of beauty.

It looks like a standard HORNS set, with LeBron James setting up at the elbow and another forward stationed on the opposite side. Once Kyrie Irving swings it to the wing, they toss the ball to LeBron in the high post. By that point, Irving looks to be in the middle of a shuffle cut, but he’ll stop to seal his own guy and give James a lane to drop the touch backdoor pass. Only LeBron can make that delivery in that way.

Though we now associate this play with LeBron and the Cavs, every play is stolen from somewhere. This is the exact Spurs play I highlighted in Easter Egg No. 33 last year.

The only difference is that Tim Duncan doesn’t make one-handed touch passes like LeBron.

6. The Cavaliers’ HORNS Rip

Speaking of unstoppable Cavaliers plays, they’re still running this one that I highlighted last year. When James plays with four reserves, he becomes the league’s scariest dive man on an alignment that has too many threats to cover.

LeBron rolling to the basket sucks everyone inside, which opens up Channing Frye or other shooters on the opposite side. Plus, the pre-play motion means that the point guard has a step on his man, allowing him to create the two-on-one advantage needed to activate the other threats.

This is Cleveland’s go-to set early in the second and fourth quarters. Good luck addressing it.

7. Steph the magnet

We talked about this last year, and it still keeps happening.

It’s like tossing a piece of bread to a group of pigeons.

8. James Harden sizing up a big man on a switch

How terrifying is this for DeAndre Jordan?

*Hubie Brown voice* You’re DeAndre Jordan. You know you’re already at a disadvantage covering most guards, much less James Harden. You know that Harden is equally capable of shooting the three, attacking the hoop, or stopping on a dime to change directions. You also know that he can find the open man, and that you might need to deal with a screen at any angle. You’re not capable of accelerating and decelerating like Harden does. Plus, you know that if he gets a step, you can’t chop your arms down and foul him.

So how are you supposed to stop him?

9. The Paul George Screen Maze

Paul George can be frustrating because he goes one-on-one for tough shots too often. He can make those, and he has been making those down the stretch to lead Indiana into the playoffs, but you wish he’d make life easier on himself.

He becomes especially dangerous when he remembers how good an off-ball player he is. This is a Pacers screen-the-screener set they’ve used for several years, and it still works.

I broke this thing down in 2013. Teams still struggle to stop it.

10. The Gordon Hayward backdoor lob

Quin Snyder has a beautiful offense that takes advantage of his team’s collection of playmakers at every position. This is my favorite set play the Jazz run.

That pre-play motion usually ends with Hayward coming back to the ball at the top of the key. But this time, Hayward saw Austin Rivers overplaying him and broke backdoor for the lob pass. Utah catches teams every couple of nights with this read.

11. Jimmy Butler’s Dwyane Wade impression

The more Jimmy Butler hangs around Dwyane Wade, the more their games start to blend together. Once upon a time, Wade was known for his pristine mid-range shooting, fearless knifing through defenders in the lane, long Euro steps through traffic, and lightning-quick first steps that swung through defenders and caught them flat-footed.

That sure sounds like Butler’s game, too. Like Wade, Butler loves to decline ball screens with sharp moves to his right.

Like Wade, Butler swings his arms up as he maneuvers through the lane to protect the ball.

Like Wade, Butler takes gigantic strides once he picks up his dribble, tucking the ball into his body like a running back hitting the hole.

Chicago is a bizarrely constructed team, but it’s been fun seeing Butler pick up a few of Wade’s old tricks.

12. Portland’s flare screens

Watching Terry Stotts’ offense is like watching cars drive around a race track. The Blazers loop their perimeter players from one side of the three-point arc to another, using that setup motion to initiate whatever they want to run.

When LaMarcus Aldridge was in town, that motion usually served to create the best passing angles to dump the ball into the post. Since his departure, Portland has used these sequences to set up the right angles for Damian Lillard and C.J. McCollum pick and rolls. As Portland’s roster changed, so did its system.

That required the big men to play a different role: setting flare screens to keep the guards moving. It’s especially fun when those flare screens lead directly to open shots.

But they also act as a way to occupy the defense’s attention when they want to get Lillard and McCollum off a pick and roll. Notice how Myles Turner points at Allen Crabbe as he flares to the corner, which slows him down when trying to get in position to contain Lillard.

That’s why it’s hard to load up on Lillard and McCollum. The defense isn’t just stretched. It’s also distracted.

13. The Toronto Weave

This is the Raptors’ favorite pick-and-roll play. The weave gets the defense moving and enables Kyle Lowry and DeMar DeRozan to attack the hoop with a full head of steam.

Look how far out that screen is set on the court. That distance allows Lowry to walk into a three if necessary.

But the motion that occurs before the screen is set also scrambles the defense, which means Lowry can build up momentum before he meets the big man defender to change speeds, attack, and either score or find his big man.

DeRozan isn’t the shooter Lowry is, but he’s able to take the space yielded to him to put the big man on skates, as he does to Nerlens Noel.

Other teams run this weave action, but few do it that far away from the basket. That stretches the defense out and facilitates the Raptors’ devastating driving ability.

14. John Wall’s jump passes

I’ve seen it a million times and it never ceases to amaze me. John Wall speeds down the court in transition, flies towards the basket, looks dead in the water ... and somehow finds a three-point shooter out of the corner of his eye.

These are passes that shouldn’t exist. The awareness and confidence to even try this kind of pass is what makes Wall such a thrilling player.

It’s also what makes the Wizards dangerous. Washington is the league’s third-most-prolific transition scoring team, behind only the Warriors (duh) and the Jazz (who rarely push the ball). They make nearly 53 percent of their two-pointers and about 44 percent of their three-pointers after a defensive rebound, according to NBAWowy. Their game is to grab the rebound, get it to Wall, and let him go. The threats of him attacking and kicking out to three-point shooters create a devastating pick-your-poison situation.

(This is why the Wizards’ defensive decline since the All-Star Break is a concern. It ultimately affects their transition game, too).

15. Mike Conley’s stop and go

Conley had a career year this season, in large part because coach David Fizdale encouraged him to attack more often. That means using acute stop-and-go moves like this.

Conley’s hesitation dribble isn’t like most players’. He doesn’t need to put the ball down again to complete his move, which means he’s able to pull it off more easily in tight spaces. It also helps that Conley can finish with either hand, allowing him to pin his man on his back behind a screen from either side of the court.

Don’t forget how good this dude is.

16. P.J. Tucker, agitator

Toronto’s identity was transformed as soon as it acquired two key defensive pieces at the trade deadline. While Serge Ibaka has helped solidify the paint, Tucker brought a physicality that illustrates the Raptors’ new spirit. This dude is somehow able to get his body into ball-handlers without getting called for fouls.

There’s something visceral about Tucker swallowing up a driver like this.

17. Marcus Smart, agitator

The guard version of Tucker. He’s annoying and that (usually) helps the Celtics prosper. It takes chutzpah to wedge your body over a screen like this to draw an offensive foul.

Add in Smart’s serial flopping, and you have to appreciate his audacity — as long as he’s on your team.

18. The J.J. Redick pindown, with a twist

This is an old reliable the Clippers have been running for years. DeAndre Jordan comes to screen for Chris Paul, then immediately U-turns to set a pick for Redick to catch and shoot in the middle of the court. Jordan angles his screen so that Redick runs his man to him, maintaining the timing necessary to catch the defense off guard.

Since most teams know this is coming, the Clippers have been adding new wrinkles to this set. For example, watch how Redick ignores the Jordan screen to curl on the baseline around a staggered screen on the other side.

The shot missed, but Redick got a clean look out of it and the Clippers eventually scored after the offensive rebound. This further proves the old axiom: The best plays are the ones that alter one small part of a common alignment.

19. The JaVale McGee backdoor lob

Every time JaVale McGee enters the game, get ready for this set play.

The Warriors run a screen and roll, toss the ball to the other big man in the post and watch him immediately flip a backdoor lob high in the air for McGee to go get it.

It’s amusing how much the Warriors force this pass even if it’s not there. That’s how much they love playing with a big man that can jump.

20. John Wall and Bradley Beal have ESP

It looks like the Wizards are running a normal out-of-bounds play. Instead, John Wall and Bradley Beal do this.

These dudes have pretty good chemistry for supposedly not liking each other.

21. Tim Hardaway Jr. as the new Kyle Korver

When the Hawks traded Korver to Cleveland in early January, most assumed they were packing it in. Instead, they’ve rallied to sneak into one of the lower spots in the Eastern Conference despite injuries to Paul Millsap.

One big factor: the rise of Tim Hardaway Jr. Since the trade, Hardaway has averaged 17 points a game, attempting nearly six three-pointers a contest while hitting 37 percent. He’s been the Hawks’ best wing player and another example of their famed Hawks University factory.

It helps that they’ve plugged him directly into Korver’s role in one important play. Last year, I noted how the Hawks love to get Korver curling off a screen to get a top-of-the-key three off misses. Now, the Hawks do the same with Hardaway.

This is why the Hawks haven’t missed Korver all that much.

22. The Spurs deny the ball

The Spurs have a defensive sieve at point guard and hand major minutes to Pau Gasol and David Lee up front. So how did they finish No. 1 in defensive efficiency again? It’s because they’ve altered their fundamental system to prioritize ball denial.

We know Leonard plays like a shutdown corner, as he does here with Jonathon Simmons.

But he’s not the only one that disrupts the timing of an offense. Danny Green is also an expert.

So is Patty Mills, as Kyle Lowry and the Raptors learned.

Even Manu Ginobili gets in on the act.

Even Tony Parker does, too.

The effect is that the Spurs slow a normal offense’s flow and force teams into second and third options. Either they have to go further away from the basket to catch the ball, or they have to mentally adjust to the play being disrupted and take a split second to figure out where to go next. That allows the Spurs to load up the rest of their defense and squeeze teams into the inefficient mid-range area.

The point isn’t to force turnovers, although the Spurs finished with their second-highest forced turnover percentage ranking (8th, were 7th in 2004-05) in the Gregg Popovich era. It’s to deter teams from running their normal system.

23. The Bucks have six defenders

The Bucks play the league’s riskiest defensive scheme. They gamble all over the court, betting that their collective length will spook opponents into hesitating. Often times, it doesn’t and they give up bushels of efficient shots. (Ben Falk, a former 76ers and Blazers front office executive, wrote an in-depth explanation of the Bucks’ boom or bust strategy that’s worth taking 15 minutes to read).

But when it does work ... holy hell. Look at how many times they spook the Pacers out of shot attempts.

When you play the Bucks, it feels like you’re playing against seven players or four, depending on their level of execution.

24. The Blake Griffin duck-in

Injuries have made it harder for Blake Griffin to snatch the ball in the post and power through opponents. That means he increasingly needs to rely on smarts to get to his preferred spots.

One way he does that is to run straight down the middle of the floor to seal his man on the break. With more teams employing power forwards whose main job is to space the floor, Griffin can leak out on missed shots, park his ass on his man or whichever smaller player picks him up on a switch, and run him straight into the basket.

25. Draymond Green puts out every fire

Check out how many players Draymond Green guarded on this play.

In 17 seconds, Green:

Started defending Blake Griffin.

Correctly read that Griffin’s screen on Austin Rivers was a decoy.

Jumped out on the Griffin/J.J. Redick dribble handoff to prevent Redick from shooting or turning the corner.

Cut off Redick’s cut to the opposite wing, where Griffin was looking to swing him a crosscourt pass.

Cut off a second Redick cut toward the basket.

Ran hard at Rivers to make his three-point attempt a difficult one.

He got no credit in the box score, but he saved the possession for the Warriors.

26. Kawhi Leonard saying Gimmie Dat

Poor, poor Ben McLemore.

But McLemore isn’t the only one. Many players have seen Kawhi snatch the ball from their very hands.

Imagine how deflating that is.

27. Patrick Beverley’s flying long rebounds

The Rockets take a lot of long shots, and long missed shots end up in long rebounds. That’s why it’s a good thing they have Beverley. No guard is better at reading weird caroms off the rim and flying to the ball wherever it lands.

Look at this board!

Beverley doesn’t just rush in right underneath the basket. Instead, he hovers about 10-12 feet away, waiting to see where the ball will land. You can’t box him out because he’s looking to grab boards that fall behind you. In effect, he uses years of rebound training against taller opponents.

Russell Westbrook is the only player under 6’4 to average more offensive rebounds per game than Beverley, and he plays four more minutes. Beverley is a major reason why Houston ranks 10th in the NBA in offensive rebound percentage despite launching a ton of shots that aren’t designed to be boarded. (By contrast, Mike D’Antoni’s four great Suns teams ranked 22nd, 30th, 29th, and 29th in offensive rebounding.)

28. Rudy Gobert freaks everyone out

I mentioned this in the most recent Pictures Video, but it’s amusing how Gobert scares great players out of even trying to score. Watch John Wall quickly backpedal after he gets an advantage on his man in the pick and roll.

Watch Giannis Antetokounmpo, the league’s most athletic finisher, pump fake into oblivion right under the hoop.

I don’t blame them. Gobert is scary.

29. The old reliable Z-Bo/Marc hi-lo

Even after all these years, this still works. This is a play from 2017, not 2011.

30. Russell Westbrook grabbing and going

It’s well established that the Thunder gift Westbrook a handful of rebounds, whether by boxing out their men so he can swoop in, or by letting him snag all the uncontested free throw rebounds. I’m not here to judge the morality of this or suggest that Westbrook only grabbing nine legitimate rebounds per game is a reason to dismiss his MVP candidacy. All I’m saying is that it happens.

Yet there is a strategic reason to let Russ snag all the boards: It immediately kick starts fast breaks. Instead of relying on an outlet pass, Westbrook can cut out the middleman.

This argument has been the subject of much scrutiny during the MVP debate. On the one hand, Westbrook himself is inefficient and turnover-prone on transition possessions, as Neil Greenberg of The Washington Post writes. The Thunder as a team only score 1.08 points per possession on transition plays, a middle-of-the-pack mark.

But this overlooks one critical fact: It’s way easier to score in transition than in any other setting. The Thunder score 1.05 points per possession on average and far less than that when Westbrook is on the bench. If you take away those fast breaks, the Thunder’s offense would be significantly worse because they have very little spacing in half-court situations. The Thunder are also fourth in the league in transition opportunities, in large part because of Westbrook grabbing and going.

So, even if the Thunder are merely average at converting transition opportunities, they get so many chances because of Westbrook’s rebounding. By cutting out the middleman, he turns would-be half-court possessions into fast breaks. It’s that additional volume that allows Oklahoma City to even have an average offense overall.

So enjoy this. It’s a deliberate — and smart — strategy.

31. LeBron’s crosscourt passes

Still a delight after all these years. How can James tell that Larry Nance Jr. is flat-footed on the opposite side? He has a sixth sense.

[junker-town]

Meet the 2017 McDonald’s All-Americans, where size and athleticism intersect for a new generation

DeAndre Ayton and Michael Porter Jr. lead the class of 2017 at the McDonald’s All-American Game.

There’s a theme that hangs over the practices at the McDonald’s All-American Game every year.

Back in 2013, it was the battle for No. 1 between Andrew Wiggins and Jabari Parker. The next year was all about the big men, with Karl-Anthony Towns, Myles Turner and Jahlil Okafor giving us a peek at the next generation of centers. It was easy to tell Ben Simmons was the biggest star in 2015. Last year was about establishing a pecking order in one of the deepest classes in recent memory.

The theme for this year’s classic is less obvious at first, but undeniable once you see these players up close. The class of 2017 is defined by size, athleticism and the place in the middle where both meet.

On Wednesday, the 24 high school seniors making up this year’s McDonald’s All-American Game will have their national coming out party under the bright lights of ESPN. These are the players you need to know.

DeAndre Ayton: The next unicorn

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

DeAndre Ayton’s most recent measurement at the 2016 Nike Hoops Summit listed him at 7-feet tall, 243 pounds with a 7'5 wingspan. Those are ideal dimensions for a traditional center, but Ayton has never seemed particularly interested in being that.

Ayton would rather face-up than try to score in the post. He’s more comfortable guarding the wing than protecting the rim. While he only hit 25 percent of the 57 threes he took last summer on Nike’s EYBL circuit, his shooting stroke is smooth and the ball looks good coming out of his hands. He was hitting jumpers all over the court at Monday’s practice.

Playing alongside fellow five-star center Brandon McCoy on the summer circuit for Cal Supreme afforded Ayton the opportunity to step away from the paint. He might be in a similar situation at Arizona next year too with senior-to-be Dusan Ristic already installed at center. He even invoked the name of the most hallowed unicorn of all when he was asked he who patterns his game after.

“Actually to be honest, I’m in love with [Kristaps] Porzingis, though,” he told Scout last May. “We have the same game to be honest. Same exact game. He can shoot. He can put the ball on the floor and go to the rim and he can post up.”

Michael Porter Jr.: The blueprint

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Every team at every level of basketball wants a player like Michael Porter Jr. He’s the ideal hybrid forward for the modern game, pairing with the size of a big man (6’10) and the skill set of a wing with elite athleticism.

It doesn’t take long to tell just how rare his physical gifts are. Porter spent Monday’s practice hitting dribble pull-ups from the perimeter, grabbing rim-level rebounds and finishing every transition opportunity with a huge dunk. There was no one in his scrimmage who could matchup with him.

Porter spent his senior year of high school playing for Brandon Roy near Seattle as a Washington commit. He got out of his letter of intent after coach Lorenzo Romar was fired and announced last week he’ll attend Missouri instead.

The common thread? Both schools hired his dad as an assistant coach. Getting his old man multiple jobs before he graduates high school might be the ultimate sign of his talent.

Mohamed Bamba: First Team All-Defense

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Mo Bamba is a freak. This statement is made in the most complimentary way possible.

Bamba’s wingspan was recently measured at 7’9, which would appear to make him longer than any player to ever come through the NBA draft combine. He’s also light on his feet and quick off the ground. Put it all together and it’s reasonable to think he could one day grow into a Rudy Gobert-level defender. That’s the most obvious comparison given his proportions.

He’s also serious about learning the game. He flew out to Sloan Sports Analytics Conference last year and stood up during a panel to ask a question about pick-and-roll defense. This is not your typical 18-year-old in just about every way possible.

Wendell Carter Jr.: The throwback

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

Duke won a national championship in 2015 behind a star freshman big man who thrived in the post. Coach K will try to it again next year when Carter gets on campus.

Carter isn’t exactly Jahlil Okafor, but he’s similarly suited to have an instant impact at the college level next year. He’s going to be a tenacious rebounder and dependable interior scorer from day one. Long-term, his value will rest on how good he can be defensively at the five. He’s a tad short for a pro center at 6’10, but he has a 7’5 wingspan and carries his 260-pound frame well to make up for it.

Carter doesn’t just bully people in the post, he can step away from the basket and hit a shot, too. Coach K is thrilled he decided to come to Durham instead of Harvard.

Trevon Duval and Collin Sexton: The attacking floor generals

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

The point guards in the class of 2016 were always going to be impossible to measure up to. Markelle Fultz, Lonzo Ball, De’Aaron Fox and Dennis Smith were all instant-impact one-and-dones who helped make college basketball a better place for one season. As they leave for the NBA draft, Duval and Sexton will try to leave a similar impression.

Both players are about 6’3 with a 6’8 wingspan who are looking to attack the basket first, second and third. It’s best just not to get in the way.

Duval did this in a game this season:

Duval did this to win the McDonald’s dunk contest Monday night:

.@AlabamaMBB’s Collin Sexton just SHUT IT DOWN. This dunk crowned him the 2017 @POWERADE Jam Fest Slam Dunk Champion. #McDAAG http://pic.twitter.com/YIKFYY3BOf

— ESPNU (@ESPNU) March 28, 2017

Again, these are point guards! Sexton is about to make Alabama really fun next year. Duval is uncommitted and is considering Kansas, Duke, Arizona and plenty more. If you like guards who view Russell Westbrook as their single greatest inspiration, Duval and Sexton are for you.

The rest of the 2017 McDonald’s All-Americans

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

PG Quade Green, Kentucky: The smallest McDonald’s All-American, Green is a dependable shooter and excellent passer. He wasn’t afraid to tell his teammates when they missed a rotation in practice.

SF Kevin Knox, uncommitted: Duke, Kentucky, North Carolina and Florida State are after him, and they all need him. He’s a super athletic, oversized wing with a developing skill level. It will be fun to watch him go at Porter in Wednesday’s game.

C Nick Richards, Kentucky: Richard projects as a real rim protector. He could remind Kentucky fans of Nerlens Noel or Willie Cauley-Stein.

C Mitchell Robinson, Western Kentucky: Incredible athlete for a center. Rick Stansbury has a way of getting things done.

F Jarred Vanderbilt, Kentucky: Athletic 6’7 forward who can pass and handle the ball but struggles to shoot it.

SG Lonnie Walker, Miami: Strong shooting guard who can score from all three levels.

SG M.J. Walker, uncommitted: Big, strong guard with a developing jumper.

F P.J. Washington, Kentucky: Projects as a dependable rebounder and interior scorer.

SF Kris Wilkes, UCLA: A skinny wing who can knock down a jumper. He’ll need to have a big year for UCLA to keep its momentum going next season.

SG Brian Bowen, uncommitted: Considering Michigan State and Arizona; has a memorable hair cut.

Brian Spurlock-USA TODAY Sports

G Troy Brown, Oregon: At 6’6, he was once considered a point guard but started playing more regularly off the ball in the last year.

PG Jaylen Hands, UCLA: An explosive, 6’3 point guard, he has the tools to fill Lonzo Ball’s shoes with the Bruins as well as anyone could hope to.

PF Jaren Jackson Jr., Michigan State: A big man with a dependable three-point shot.

C Brandon McCoy, uncommitted: Can make plays above the rim on both ends.

SF Chuck O’Bannon Jr., USC: A 6’6 shooter who should fit well next to USC’s returning horde of athletes.

PF Billy Preston, Kansas: A big forward who can fill it up offensively.

SG Gary Trent Jr., Duke: The son of The Shaq of the MAC should be an instant-impact scorer for Duke next year.

PG Trae Young, Oklahoma: Best shooter in the class.