#not to toot my own horn but im the greatest to ever do it..look at these

[samipekoe]

I have no Christmas drawing for you instead look at these commissions I did

[wandering-bitch]

Annotations on Falling in Love with Love (Again) pt 1

Falling in Love is my 3zun Cinderella/Qin Su Solidarity Fixit fic. It’s got some dumb angst, but i promise every ch with Angst (tm) has at least some soft gentle fluff with it. 

It’s structured like cinderella (servant gets surprised with the clothes + disguise for the ball, falls in love, runs away but leaves behind a trinket, gets found out later and happily ever after), but really it’s About recognizing the growth you’ve gone through, and uh. falling in love again. It’s also, to a lesser degree, about how important Qin Su is.

Notes on writing the first third of this below the cut

Every chapter title is a riff on a song lyric from Rogers and Hammerstein’s Cinderella (which you might remember as the Brandy and Whitney Houston movie from 1997). Title is “falling in love with love,” the BITCHIN ballad from the stepmother

i keep stumbling on cinderella aus from parts of 3zun and i never like them bc im picky so i started thinking about this and now im HERE, writing thousands of words and thinking about social shit

in this house we love qin su, by the way

Don’t Believe in Sensible Rules

this chapter was called “Enter the Fairy Godmother” in my outline

writing this fic made me like jin zixuan pfffff

look im not saying that qin su is fucking vital BUT

having qin su know that she’s meng yao’s sister means that he has someone who can empathize with wanting but hating jin guangshan’s attention, and so someone who can remind him that jin guangshan’s respect isn’t worth the effort

aka qin su being actively meng yao’s sister fucking stops him from making terrible choices aka this is my fixit.

originally i just was hand-waving away “it’s a good au bc i said so” but as i built the timeline more, i realized that it all comes down to qin su

which is valid!! because yeah, the middle and end of the fic are about qin su

anyway back to this first chapter

i know in canon qin su is probably younger than meng yao but counterpoint i wanted her to have more respect built into her role

what’s up with meng yao’s makeup? it’s a combination of opera + tang dynasty makeup!! 

you know that promo image of zzj playing an opera performer for a movie next year???  this one??? it’s basically this but on crack

if you’re not thinking about that promo image twice a week then i highly recommend u do it bc it certainly brings me joy and serotonin 

oh hmmm meng yao is wearing a fancy emotionally important accessory??? i wonder what might happen

You’ll Never Know a Finer Night

”a lovely night, a lovely night/ a finer night you know you’ll never see”

qin su + meng yao rights!!!

qin su + meng yao rights!!!

the mengyin han sect is something my spouse came up with for their Nie Parents fic that they’re never gonna write.

you should bug @isimplydonotvibewithjgy to write it. why???

it’s about happy healthy nie parent polyamory!!! 

nie huaisang is named in part after nie mingjue’s mother’s sword

meng yao is only a little bit kidding about stealing a baby for qin su. qin su, in turn, is only a little bit kidding about stealing a baby for meng yao

meng yao fucking with wangxian is very important to me, a bitch

Back In the Past, lan xichen wasn’t so much Jealous as he was frustrated with himself for not saying anything for so long (so long was barely a few months)

“second daughter of a third rate sect” is the type of dumb meng yao shit i love

qin!!!! su!!!! rights!!!!!!!

Most Entrancing Sight Of All

from “the greatest love,” the first song from the brandy version

i actually hate this song whoops

i lov every time i get to write meng yao being clever

it is very convenient for me that im writing the entire fic from his perspective

it’s sword content!!!! hooray!!!!

i looked up so much sword dancing for this it made me so happy

swords!!! good!!!

i do wish i had been better at figuring out ways meng yao could eat li bolin alive, but i wrote it, it’s done, im never editing it again

sword! content!!

The Sweet Invention of a Lover’s Dream

AWWW YEAH my favorite chapter because the xiyao troll showed up and said “oh so meng yao’s a selfish little slut now then” and i think about that every fucking day

the title is from “do i love you” 

the breakup was hard to write bc like. neither’s in the Wrong, sometimes u just don’t fit, and that sucks

like it wasn’t Hard emotionally, but it was hard to balance properly

“Eat Wen Xu Alive” -- meng yao

in my early draft, meng yao + qin su had an agreement to check on each other every hour. i scrapped that but u can see 

“time to meddle”

i had fun learning about azaleas + azalea poisoning

i spent SO LONG trying to decide who meng yao would pin the poisoning on but settled on the li sect being complicit in wen imperialism

nie mingjue is here because nie huaisang whined about it. lan xichen is here because he wants to date someone to move on from meng yao

what’s that? he’s dating nie mingjue? that’s not enough to move on? no, actually, it isn’t

sorry lan xichen the way to move on is just time, not dating

to be clear it’s not that lan xichen is greedy or nie mingjue Isn’t Enough, it’s just that there’s an ache still in lxc’s heart

(there’s an ache still in nmj’s heart)

we’ll actually go over all of this in an auxiliary chapter where nmj + lxc snuggle in the middle of the night

healthy polyamory rights

in case it’s somehow not Obvious, the song lxc is distracted by reminds him of meng yao. 

lxc is one hundred percent that friend who doesn’t let u say anything slightly mean about urself

my one ex specifically wouldn’t let me say i wasn’t smart enough to talk about a sociological issue/socialism thing. it was so sweet honestly

like she would let me not have an opinion but i couldn’t say i wasn’t smart enough

lxc is so proud of himself for that “tell me what this song is about” line and he SHOULD be. it WAS sexy it WAS polite it WAS a good line!!!

im not tooting my own horn im just talking about lxc being a polite, sexy hunk

never forget: so meng yao is just a selfish little slut then lol ok

come back next time for ch 5-8 where we see boys being cute and together and also where qin su gets many more rights

[blackhyena]

I was tagged to answer 18 questions about music by rory @and-so-are-you my sweet otherworldly alien prince whomst i love, he falsely claims that my music taste is better than his and is about to learn the hard way how wrong he is

1. Which bands/artist do you own the most albums by? probably still muse......cringe......i have some of the big vinyls as well including the knights of cydonia one with the horse which gemma got for me and im ngl its pretty fucking rad still

2. What was the last song you listened to? the smiths - panic . listen im from manchester im contractually obliged to listen to morrissey even though i hate him

3. What’s in your CD/Record player right now? i..... do not currently own an actual cd player other than my laptop but uhhh the nearest cd to me physically is chaleur humaine by christine and the queens!

4. What was the last show you attended? goddddd last summer when i saw Florence and the Machine at BST with Kristi and like. transcended

5. What was the greatest show you’ve been to? this is an, evil question to ask ., i mean possibly florence again because we got so close to the front. that said tlsp last year were also fucking amazing

6. What was the worst show you’ve ever been to? it wasn’t a bad show by her, but when i saw lana del rey the venue was so small and the fans so insane that i was just getting smothered and it was kind of horrible. also someone stood on my foot and i lost feeling in it for a few months lmao

7. What is the most musically involved you have ever been? i play the guitar and i sing!!! not to toot me own horn but i have a grade 8 in singing and ive been in lots of choirs etc. i also write my own music and i have a soundcloud which you could be forgiven for not knowing about cause i update like once a year at my current rate lmao

8. What show are you looking forward to? i don’t have any lined up!!! sad times :-( but i really wanna see marina and the diamonds, wolf alice, grimes... a lot tbh

9. What is your favorite band shirt? i only have a load of old muse ones, but i gotta admit i have a limited edition one from their origin of symmetry show at leeds and i still wear it around the house all of the time

10. What musician would you like to hang out with for a day? FLORENCE WELCH TAKE ME SHOPPING AND TAKE ME TO BOOKSTORES AND THEN JUST MARRY ME MAYBE

11. Who is one musician or group you wish would make a comeback? ....gotta steal rory’s idea for the bowie resurrection prayer circle

12. Who is one band/ artist you’ve never seen live but always wanted to? oh shit i kind of already answered this but i guess il throw in some more. susanne sundfor, st vincent, christine and the queens, postmodern jukebox!!

13. Flawless albums? how big how blue how beautiful because it was super important for my mental health at the time, also the bride by bat for lashes for similar reasons. plus BHAR yes even after all this time. i could sit here and talk about albums all day though

14. How many concerts have you been to, total? I can count 15 but it might be more??

15. Who have you seen the most live? M*se

16. What is your favorite movie soundtrack? I find myself listening to the soundtrack of Bram Stoker’s Dracula more than I care to admit

17. What was your last musical ‘phase’ before you wisened up? i have not wisened up i will remain in this state of musical stupidity forever

18. What is your ‘guilty pleasure’ that you hate to admit liking? im not even really that guilty about it but i fucking love ABBA if you want something cheesy

i tag @renfield, @iwillslapyouintheteeth, @haroldwrens, @aethelrad goooooooooooo

[hyun-seong]

Hey I can see you’re alive lol. Have your days been alright like better than before? You can ask me anything and I’ll tell you what I have been doing. I just got out of ‘long’ shower and noticed you when I open the app. Tbh I’ve been feeling depressed and like there’s no one who could help me get distracted and make me laugh since last month otl. Well there was my best friends but something happen so yeah. I’ve been feeling tired of living this world for four years haha. It okay because (1/2)

 It’s okay since I have some male groups I like and help me forget living this world just little bit 

TW SUicide on this one fellas

MY DAYS have been a little better, my mom gets more and more healed every day even if its slow or a little bit, I am tired because I have to irrigate her tubing every six hours aND IM BAD AT SLEEPING so i lose time not sleeping and then trying to sleep but my body is adjusting so thats good lmao I WAS ACTUALLY doing really badly until last night if im being honest, the stress was getting to me and i was angry that not only did i have to do this mostly by myself but that i also had to deal with my grandmother breathing down my back PRETENDING to help, i was changing her stoma bag and I was taught how to do this, she wasnt, she really had no business trying to dictate what to do and she didnt know what half the things i was doing were for so im trying basically to add binding powder in the area between her skin and her intestine and im about to pour it in and shes like “Dont do that yet” and like tries to dislodge something that just...isnt ready to come out...AND I WAS THINKING IN MY HEAD...MCSCUSE ME BITCH THE FUCK DO YOU KNOW....IF YOU WANTED TO be in the way so bad why didnt you learn from one of the nurses who was like ALWAYS in there you blew your chance....and then my poor mother was saying how she felt so bad i had to do this and i was trying to tell her look youre my mother i really dont mind and im trying to console her and my grandma cuts me off to tell her that she doesnt mind like WHAT....WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DONT MIND?? WHAT DO YOU DO BUT LAUNDRY EVERY SO OFTEN?? TF??? SHE WASNT TALKING TO YOU.....LEAVE....god i was livid....and then the home nurse who comes every three days to change her bandages was supposed to arrive at 7pm so 6pm comes around and my grandma is like trying to find her business card to call and bother her and im like?? wait until 7 and call if she doesnt show?? and shes like BUT SHE SAID...SHED CALL AND CONFIRM...and my dads like “mom just wait for a bit” and she goes like “OH OK i wont call, I guess im the only one who CARES” and im like WHAT THE FUCK....................... and hes just like “she said shes coming at 7 and would call if she needed to go at a different time” and that shut her up....the gall....the goddamn gall...the sheer audacity......to imply i dont care.....when the bags under my eyes have BAGS and she sleeps a solid 12 hours a night LIKE SORRY I HAVE FAITH IN A PAID PROFESSIONAL...

BUUUT in the middle of the night my boyfriend sends me a message (THIS IS BG INFO PLEASE FEEL FREE TO SKIP UNTIL YOU SEE !!!!!!!!!!!!! IF U WANT) and as you might know hes been living in Seattle since august but flew down for a month to be here during my moms surgery, so hes been saying stuff like oh we can do this, lets do this, or we will do this next time AND STUFF like that and im thinking to myself when the fuck do you think we have the time to do this stuff you have to go back at the end of the month.....but it was nice to hear so i didnt challenge the statements hahaha because it was hard since we met in may 2016  but IT FEELS LIKE...A CENTURY ive known him.  I remember like a couple months ago he was like man i cant believe its already been two years AND IM LIKE IT HASNT...IT REALLY HASNT.........ITS NOT EVEN 1.5.....and we were both like..........what the fuck??? and its because...we never got to do the fun things, we met, had a good few dates and then Life Happened™ the way it tends to about 5 months after we met, and he said basically I have to move to Seattle because I am inheriting a restaurant and I don’t think there’s ever going to be a person like you again and i wanted to ask you to be my girlfriend and was waiting for the right time and i think i should start fresh and you should find someone who can give you the time you deserve, it sounded like a sacrifice and it was ridiculous to me because time with anyone else met nothing to me, it wasnt what i wanted, and i cried for DAYS just nonstop crying, and I always thought movies were overreacting but it feels like you’re legitimately dying, and to me it hurt worse because he liked me, it would have hurt less if he just didnt like me, that I could get over, but youre always taught love prevails so it felt like such a blindside when it doesn’t, but there was something in me, this nagging feeling like I am not going to leave him alone, LIKE IF HE STOPS ANSWERING my texts messages I will respect that IM NOT GOING TO BE LIKE...........STAY WITH ME IF U DONT WANT TO..... but I will pull for him as long as I can because thats what i felt was right, and not to toot my own horn but im not usually wrong when my brain nags me about something

so 2017 starts and i invite him every possible place I can, he took forever to reply to my texts but he would....eventually....we spent our birthdays together, we went thrift shopping, went to the zoo, and i never touched him but to shake his hand goodbye until my birthday where he held his arms out to hug me. The zoo was the last time I saw him before he moved and this was August 2017 and we were watching the gorillas and i love apes and monkeys haha so we were sitting on the bench in the back cos i had to be there for a bit and he held his hand out for me to hold it and i was so happy sitting there looking at apes holding his hand and i felt him squeeze it, I don’t know if he knew I’d notice but I did, and I thought to myself “I would die for this” because it was the only thing I stood to lose in this world and I would let it kill me

SO HE moves at the end of August and since he took so long moving the restaurant with to his other aunt and im a miserable son of a bitch and the whole time im concocting a plan to make it work but im not allowed where hes staying because im white so IM NOT WELCOME LOL....and he wasnt being paid for his work so its not like we could rent somewhere and i have a bad income myself lol it just seemed so impossible, and he said im so sorry i had been distant to you for that time, the idea of being away from you hurt so much and i knew in the end i would be separated from you and nothing was going to change it but you showed since day one unconditional love and youve told me how much you loved me in so many ways without ever saying it and it made me realize my past relationships had been wrong the whole time and I knew it because...my brain nagged me and told me but it was still such a relief to hear and when he came down for the fake christmas we had to throw before moms surgery we actually got to be like a normal couple haha...but it hurt because I knew I just had to say goodbye again

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so anyways last night I get a message saying my brother says if I clean up the house and live her permanently, I can get a cat, and I really want to get a cat and it just...now when I am stressed I think about it, I get to keep him haha, you know he never did actually ask me to be his girlfriend, hes the type who wouldn't want to create in me obligation if he couldn't provide for me,  NOT THAT i ever mind, but its like maybe its redundant at this point who knows haha and he still inherits that restaurant heaven forbid his other aunt dies, but then well....I’ll be allowed in the house.......... SO LIFE...CAN get better in like the BLINK of an eye, sometimes the greatest gifts will fall in your lap to keep you through the hardest of times, so thats why when I never asked him why he was so hopeful for a future of us because I never wanted him to stop talking like that, because it was something I had never gotten to hear until this month and now I know why 

BUT I AM YOUR BEST FRIEND I WILL MAKE YOU LAUGH

that makes me laugh 

but really you’re not alone, you are a great great friend to me, and I know that me even saying that might not even help, myself, my mother, my boyfriend and my bestfriend are heavily depressed you know I can vouch it runs in my family pretty deep, and when one suggests suicide one has to come in and say ....NO NO NOW BAD IDEA...its like we just stay alive to make sure the others stay alive because you want them to live, its a sad sad cycle but its kept us alive...barely...theres been close calls with all of us lmfao and its kinda hard to worry about keeping 4 ppl alive...but we are still so THATS GOTTA COUNT

 and its okay to not be okay, but you arent wrong or bad or broken and you are definitely not a burden especially on the days where mustering a grin is impossible, anyone expecting you to be happy all the time only wants the joyous you, and in that case they dont deserve the joyous you anyways

HEY WHATEVER keeps you going as little and as dumb as it may seem or sound, it isn’t, I remember I would only get out of bed because I told myself “I have to wash my face” AND ITS GOOD you have these groups to keep you afloat and if you’re looking for some good laughs I suggest watching Cow Chop because they make me laugh every day anD ITS NICE...theyre fucking funny haha 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hT3myJSvQlU&list=PLh9wof0uUEewSqGIiU1cLB0o-9VpcDqZl&index=38

i recommend starting with these videos and amazon primetime because it will acclimate you to the main two who make up cow chop and i linked you to one of my favs I HOPE YOU LIKE THEM unless you already know them I STILL HOPE YU LIKE THEM

that being said youre doing well, you’re doing very well and I am sorry its hurting because its a terrible feeling and it doesnt go away, it probably never does end altogether as small as you may be able to push it down thats why I want to make sure when the boygroups disband you have something, I dont want to risk a shock to the system when you wake up and go WHAT DO I HAVE...I HAVE NOTHING....ITS NOT LIKELY because interests do change and you do find things but to make sure that doesnt happen all I can really do is offer you my unwavering support and love, any method of contact thats good for you is good for me IDK WHY MY TUMblr didnt show i had messages for like two days but yours actually dinged on my phone which is how i sAW I HAD SOME.... so hopefully they ding on my phone still and i will be able to get to you ASAP but if you need my facebook for messenger or my number so i can be there quicker you can also send me a dm and ill get you those AND IF YOU CAN try and do something small for the you in the future, I know its hard to think about future you when present you doesnt even wanna exist BUT future you is coming and they will thank you, I screwed my future self over so many times and now present me is like youre a real dumbfuck so LEARN FROM MY MISTAKES LOL but forgetting i guess is good, I GUESS...cos its what i do like im happy until i remember then im like ah...yes..BUT THEN im worried its avoiding the problem so IDK if thats healthy or not BUT WHAT CAN YOU DO....ill let you know if i know

ANYWAYS good luck, I am rooting for you, I love you so dearly and I care so much about you and I hope one day I get a message saying im happy im here

[markyishanthonymartinez]

3/10/17

haps haps haps.

good day yay. 

ye

okay so got up and ate a nice healthy breakfast cause growing boys need that kinda stuff ya’know. wait i take it back. not growing boy. never growing. they can't make me grow up if i’m in neverland. 

uh but yes food and got all dapper. 

Just for comparisons sake, I got up about an hour and a half before class to make sure I was completely ready to go to my interview straight after class. Bags got up about 15 minutes before class. 

Walked to class. I’d hate to say this, but paid very minimal attention in class. Just couldn't do it today. Took notes here and there, but I was pretty checked out and played pokemon on my phone lol. 

Then went to the ecc with poles, jeff, jt, bags, ya’know the usual. I printed out resumes and researched southwest gas and listened to the best of tunes. oh also i studied for our quiz in systems. 

quiz sucked.

i hate systems.

wait no i take that back. i wouldn't actually know if i hate systems because i don't really know what systems is because our teacher is a fucking jfapoiehgalkdhg;ajkr. one of those. 

but yes so v frustrating it makes me want to lay in a hole and not get out of that hole ever.

dipped tf outta there after the quiz. wanted to get on the way to carson. but poles said the last half our of class was a huge waste of time so i really didn't miss that much. 

walked to jeff’s, hopped in da whip, went to carson.

the drive was super lax, i had never made that drive before and really didn't know what to expect, but it was cakey wakey. buuuut, i could definitely imagine it being a headache if there was poopy weather, so hopefully that never happens ever when i make the drive. (it will duh)

got to carson pretty early, but that’s exactly what i was planning on. went to walmart, copped a padfolio cause i had been needing one anyways and this was the perfect excuse to finally get one. then was v hungry and i realized that i defs didn't want to tummy rumbling and grumbling during my interview so i hit up the yelp-mobile. decided on this chinese place across the street, went. it was super quiet and qt. got yummy food. probably ate too fast but i was nervous okay. sat in my car practicing interview questions and ya’know, just making sure i hadn't nervously forgotten the entire english language. 

i hadn't.

for the most part.

hit up yung linda, she let me in the front door. sat me down in the conference room and that was where i waited nervously. not that nervously tbh. the mountains looked rly prtty outside the window so i kinda just leaned back and took them in. 

then the ladies who were interviewing me came along.

(okay this is gonna sound kinda dickish, but i was immediately relieved when i found out it was two women who would be interviewing me cause idk i know i’m charming and clever and i think i’m most effective in those things with the opposite gender)

that wasn't really that dickish. just saying it gave me a bit more comfort/confidence. 

they had a lot of fucking questions

so many

sooooo many

like 12. but not like twelve little “oh hi, 1. what is ur name? 2. why are you dumb?” but like full multiple-part, open-ended, thought-inducing, questions. hellllla putting me on the spot. honestly i slipped up on when and kinda lied lmao. but other than that i was clutchhhhhh. idk they seemed to like me. i talked a lot but they seemed okay with it so why the heck not, i love talking about myself. 

LMAO NO THAT SOUNDS SO DICKISH. i mean i do, but idk. doesn't everyone love telling other people about things they’re passionate about? like that’s something i crave. not only to tell people and share my own passions, but to allow people to tell me their passions and have them shared with me. passion is a great thing. (i’m probably just saying that cause i’m 1000% the most overly passionate person on planet earth).

but yeah answered hellllla questions and did my thang. then they had me talk to another dude after them, cause i guess he wanted me to “stop by his office.” he asked me “those” questions. greatest strength. greatest weakness. why should we hire you?

those are pretty standard and i was ready for them, but, this goes back to what i was saying earlier, he was so much harder to manipulate with my language. like he wouldn't react to things i said in the way you’re supposed to.

“supposed to” lol

this totally isn't a sexist thing tbh. maybe it’s just that most guys suck at talking lol. 

like me

but yeah i thought it went really well and fingers crossed, i should know in a few weeks is what they said.

fingees crossed.

drove back, listened to a lot of angry music. i promise it wasn't me, shuffle was just feeling angry so i went with the flow. 

got back, played some video juegos, changed.

then i went to get hellllla unlimited steggs with poles. which really meant get one serving of eggs and just keep asking for more steak. 

at first we were just chilling, eating our steggs, watching that march madness action. 

but

then the boiiiiii, the one and only, the man the myth the legend, double b spots us from across the room and waves to poles.

lol not me, i swear he only waved to poles. dead serious. kinda sad

but then he came over to us and sat with us and we all started talkin’ it up, what we’ve been up to, how stuffs going, the usual.

but then that yung nevada game starts and we start talking about sports and you couldn't shut us up if you tried. i never realized brett was so into sports, but being able to have multiple conversations about different sports and different aspects of them and all encompassing ish was so clutch. he was our boy the whole night. then brian poles rolled up with his bae and one of his homies and we became the popular af table. met hella tke’s cause apparently everyone loves brett. 

nevada won, this puts them one game away from the automatic bid to the tourney and i am so hyyyyyyyyype. the comeback was too real. 

talked it up with a bunch of homies, came home, played some games with kyle, decided i was done, been sitting in my room alone typing this out for about an hour now. 

final thoughts: 

um im not trying to toot my own horn here, but sometimes i feel like my brain is hecka great. like idk how is it that i can develop well-thought ideas about math and the government and energy and sports and religion and politics and psychology and so so so so so many things that i am interested in, meanwhile there’s still people sharing obviously fake articles on facebook without reading them.

like idk yin yang i guess.

dab on em//stay beautiful

- mark gasthony martinez