#not to mention of course her sexually assaulting simon later in the season

[biblicalhorror]

NO LITERALLY EVERY EXPRESSION HE MAKES IS THE EXACT SAME THERES NOTHING BEHIND THAT EYEBROW NOT ONE SINGLE THOUGHT

LITERALLYYYYYY dude

Like the vibes of the character and the backstory and the motivations are ALL THERE and could be so compelling and interesting!!!!! if this man knew how to make even one other facial expression. But alas.

[pale-persephone]

Reign Revisited: "Snakes in the Garden"

In this episode, Reign finally starts to look like the show I remember. We're still getting some fabulous on-location exterior shots, but the scenes within the castle are now taking place on the sets we'll see from now until (presumably) the end of the series. From here on in, the French royal palace--the most luxurious court in Europe-- consists of four rooms and one hallway.

Now, let's dive in.

The Revisit

- Colin, we hardly knew ya. Oh, shit. I forgot that we aren't done with Colin. Dude really does have one of the most unfortunate arcs on the series. He leaves his home in Scotland, gets blackmailed by Catherine into (unsuccessfully) sexually assaulting his queen, almost gets beheaded but instead gets tortured, and all of this before eventually being rescued by Clarissa, only to then get captured by pagans and strung up like a Christmas goose. You'd think something like this would traumatize Lola for life and make her want to burn French court to the ground, but she's pretty much over it by the end of the episode. Does she ever even mention him again? I certainly don't remember her mourning for very long.

(Side note: Laurie McCarthy just loved threatening Mary with sexual assault, didn't she? Next up: Count Vincent.)

- Charlie Boy. We begin the episode with a happy Lumineers song and adorable baby brother Charles. I forgot how much I loved Francis's dynamic with his younger siblings. In my show head canon, I always felt like Francis was as much their parent as Catherine or Henry. I mean, if you're six years old and you've got a problem, who are you going to turn to for help? Your dad, who's too busy levying taxes and plotting military campaigns to even look at you, or your mother, whose solution to the issue of you getting teased by your playmates is to have all of their homes incinerated? No. They turned to Francis. We're not debating this.

- Heaven Scent. Y'all, the way we squealed at this in 2013. I may have squealed a little again.

C'mon. It's sweet. Baby boy is trying so hard to conceal, not feel.

- The British are Coming! The British are Coming! Our very first political threat of the series takes the form of Lord Simon Westbrook, who proves himself quite the party pooper when he reveals the scheme to poison Mary's porridge at the convent. I like seeing Mary stand her ground here as queen regnant of Scotland, just as I like seeing Francis literally and figuratively standing by her. Just look at him hovering nearby as he senses Mary's unease rising.

We all, of course, remember the moments immediately following, where Francis steps in to "rescue" Mary before she can have a meltdown, enticing her to come watch their friend "Antoine" making a drunken ass of himself.

My sincere question: Who the fuck is Antoine? Does Francis actually have a friend? Or did he pluck that name from thin air?

And then we got

Oh Lord Jesus it's a fire. One hand on her stomach, and the fandom exploded.

But, back to Simon. Rewatching this ep, I can't believe they only kept him around for a couple of episodes. Royal courts were teeming with diplomats, and yet Simon is the only English envoy I remember until Nicholas Throckmorton crashes onto the scene in season 3. Considering the English are the main antagonists of both Scotland and France, wouldn't it have been a good idea to put a face (or faces) to that threat? Later on, it would have been nice to see Mary argue with someone other than Francis.

Simon should have stuck around. I'm just sayin'.

Oh, Henry. We were robbed, y'all.

Why did we get so few moments with these two as a functioning power couple?

Henry's behavior in the back half of the season becomes so outlandish that it's hard to remember him as anything other than the chaotic rage monster who humped women out of windows and strutted about the castle without trousers. But, I like this Henry! He's not exactly benevolent, but he doesn't seem willing to adopt Catherine's ruthless methods to achieve his ends, either. His better nature can be appealed to, and he values stability. And his relationship with Catherine is so deliciously complex. He is both attracted to and repelled by her. He needs her, yet resents her. She undermines him even as she supports him. It's a fascinating dynamic, and it's too bad that we see its final gasp in "Dirty Laundry," well before the season even ends. After that, Henry's character goes Full Whacko and the subtleties of his loves and loyalties go out the door alongside the last shreds of his sanity.

- A Matched Set. Kudos to the costume department for the ways it found to visually signal Mary and Francis's compatibility. Even their outfits go together.

It's unfortunate that this scene ends in tension, but when your fiancée accuses your mother of attempted murder, things are bound to get a little AWKS.

- Exit Francis. Enter Bash. Was Frary getting a little to cute for you? Never fear! This is a love triangle, remember? Mary doesn't trust the palace guards to return Colin in one piece, and rightfully so. Of course Bash is willing to drop everything and run off to track Colin down through the dangerous Blood Wood, where even the palace guards fear to go.

Okay, fine. Whatever. I don't begrudge Bash for wanting to help. It's just that, once again, I am wondering where are Mary's people? She is a sovereign queen in her own right, and even though Scotland had nowhere near the financial resources of France, Mary should have her own employees. Besides that, she also had an extensive family network of her own in France that did not include the Valois. Why am I saying this? Because I just don't understand how the Queen of Scotland would have literally no one to turn to in this situation besides the king's bastard son, whom she has known for a hot minute.

(Has it been only a hot minute? They never make clear the extent of Mary and Bash's knowledge of one another prior to Mary's return to court. Back when the series was first airing, I remember Mash shippers insisting that Mary must have played with Bash as well, but Bash is several years older than Mary and Francis, and would not have been "playmate" age. Also, when Mary first sees Bash after stepping out of the carriage, she doesn't say, "Oh, that's Bash. How grown up he's become!" She only says, "That's not Francis. I know it." She doesn't seem sure of who he is, only that he isn't Francis.

And, yeah, this really affects how I feel about these ships. Mary and Francis were childhood partners in crime, and from their reminiscences, it seems their relationship was equal parts fondness and annoyance. She chased after him; he threw apples at her, they sneaked out together to catch the fireflies...Mary and Bash simply don't have that history. They don't have the connection.)

- Hello, Clarissa. So, we find out the name of the bag lady. It's Clarissa, and she apparently has an established relationship with little Charles. He seems slightly afraid of her, but this doesn't stop him from informing Mary that Clarissa knows everything about everyone in the castle and that she likes to play guessing games. This will become important in about, oh, five minutes.

- Plotting Along. Our main storyline here involves a scheme to terrorize Mary into leaving French court. First, there is Simon's veiled threat during Charles and Madeline's engagement party. Then, Mary happens upon a servant who has tried on one of her freshly tailored dresses, only to collapse in apparent agony while crying out that the aforementioned dress has been poisoned. With the help of Clarissa and a couple of marbles, Mary "Nancy Drew" Stuart is able to figure out that the poisoned dress was merely a ruse perpetrated by Simon in order to frighten her, and that Catherine must have been the one to issue the order dismissing her guards, which enabled the scheme to work. It's a little convoluted, but I love Simon's (practically shirtless) response to Mary's allegations:

- Into the Woods. So, Bash locates Colin in the forest, because Bash is amazing at everything. He's the best rider, the best hunter, the best tracker in the kingdom. Or, at least, that's what we're told. He's apparently imparted enough of his knowledge to his sheltered little brother for Francis to stumble across Bash in the woods, which happens shortly after Bash has cut poor, bled-out Colin down. Unfortunately for them both, whatever got to Colin appears to be approaching them quickly, unseen but clearly hostile.

Francis, because he's normal, instructs Bash to draw his sword in anticipation of an attack. Bash, however, opts to slash his dagger across his palm and start speaking in tongues.

Y'ALL. I was CACKLING. Yeah, it all seems very ominous and dangerous here, but now we KNOW. We know this is hoodoo bullshit. This "dark force" (eventually, just the Darkness) permeating the woods, demanding blood sacrifice, is a little man with pointy teeth. I just can't take this seriously.

Francis, light of my life, your beautiful face speaks for all of us.

- The Pull. So, we've come to the end. Francis knows that Bash is mixed up with some shady fuckery in the woods. Mary knows that Catherine is the person at French court who has been terrorizing her, trying to force her to leave. All that is left is for Mary and Francis to report their findings to one another, and for Francis to call Catherine on her bullshit. Which he does. Like a BAWS.

He's still holding in as much of his heart as he can, but this is his declaration. He is on Mary's side. Full stop.

Frary shippers truly were blessed in the beginning, weren't we? 'Cause this episode has one more gem to reveal: that poignant "Don't give up. Don't run. Stay." moment by the water. *Sigh*

Enjoy it while it lasts, though. We've got exactly two more episodes before Olivia arrives and ruins goddamn everything.

Final Thoughts

We're moving away from all the giggles and barefoot dancing that made the previous episode feel like such a romp. The foundation for the love triangle is being built brick-by-brick, and Prince Francis from the pilot is growing into the more familiar Francis of the Golden Curls, First in Our Hearts character whose death will rip our guts out come season 3. But, for now, things are moving along at a fast clip, and I almost wish I didn't know how disappointing it's all going to turn out in the end.

And, seriously...who the fuck is Antoine?

On to episode 3...