#not to mention im just so fucking attracted to gender non conforming people

[c1airidryl]

I'm not JUST t4t. Yes I am. No im not. But I am a little

[monsterpromxreaderforthesoul]

Realizing your trans while dating them (Ftm, will post Mtf later)

TW//slight mention of pregnancy (in a semi light hearted matter), crying, implied sexual content

Liam

baby boy is so so so supportive…in his own weird way. You tell him while he’s at your apartment for a study session it went a little something like this

“Hey..liam? i have something to tell you…”

he looks up from his book from above the rim of his glasses at you before noticing your pained expression and transferring his face into one as well before quickly shutting the book and sitting up to pay attention to you.

“What’s wrong…? You look upset.”

“Liam I realized something about myself, well more like i’ve come to grasp with something i’ve always known…”

he now looks Puzzled, what could you possible mean by that?

“I don’t Feel Right in my body…something is wrong with me where i am now. I don’t Feel Like a girl. And i totally understand if that’s a deal breaker for you and you want to break up with me.”

your eyes start to tear up and your composure breaks and you start to cry in your hands but before you can let out a genuine sob liam has wrapped his arms around you and you gasp from the sudden contact and you go to look up at him and he is smiling at you.

“Why on earth would i do a silly thing like that? You know i’m Bisexual right?”

He pulled away from you with a smirk on his face

“Besides the whole idea of Gender conformity and What a person can be is So mainstream”

You rolled your eyes playfully at your boyfriend, you couldn’t be happier at this outcome

—————————————

Daimen

He literally has gay dads, he’s so supportive of LGBTQIA+ people it’s frightening. Like you don’t expect this kind of proud and Kind nature from DAIMEN of all people.

“Hey babe..? i have something to tell you…”

you said fidgeting with your fingers

“He looked at how nervous and Somewhat pained your expression was and he got nervous”

“Oh fuck, what’s wrong?? Don’t tell me your pregnant. I’m not ready to be a dad yet!”

“NO IM NOT PREGNANT YOU IDIOT!! we use a condom every time anyway, where’d you think it’d come from?”

“I dunno, like a freak accident or something”

“Well no, i’m not pregnant but this is still serious”

“What’s wrong then…?”

“Well, I don’t feel like a girl anymore… to be honest i don’t think i ever did”

His posture seems to relax and he sighs of relief

“That’s it? I thought something was wrong you scared the shut out of me”

“Wha- But arent you straight?”

“HAH- That’s funny babe. I’m attracted to you regardless of your gender. I think your awesome and i love being around you”

“Awww thanks Babe!~”

he then opens the window and shouts out to the world

“WHOOOOOO!!! I HAVE A BOYFRIENDDDD!!”

and you both know that somewhere in hell daimens dads are smiling

—————————

Calculestor

You told him at Camp Spooky when you were walking in the woods back from the meteor shower you had just watched together 

“Hey Cal..? Can we Talk?”

“Of course romantic partner Y/N!' what do you wish converse about?”

“Well What do you know about Gender Identity?”

“Ah in My hard drive i have memories of talking with Friend Milo about that topic. They mentioned that they are in fact a ‘non-binary’ and in Fact use they/them pronouns, After that i conducted a data search on the web and found out there was a plethora of others and labels for people who have a different perception of self from their biological sex. Why do you ask?”

“well i believe im somewhere on that spectrum you just mentioned..”

“oh my, Are you saying that you are transgender?”

“Yes i am…are you okay with that?”

“Of course! I am attracted to you romantically regardless of your biological sex, you have done that for me being that i have no Sexual reproductive parts. So of course i see no issue, what would you like me to refer to you as?”

———————-

Scott

You told him in a motel on the road-trip you went on with polly, she was in a separate room since we were able to afford 2 and since you and scott were dating it was obvious you were comfortable sharing so Polly was super stoked to have a huge bed to herself

“Hey scott..? we need to talk..”

“Oh no are you breaking up with me??? did i do something wrong?? am i not a good boy??”

“No no no! nothing like that I swear, It’s just something i have to tell you”

“Oh, well then what is it?” he said tilting his head like a confused puppy

“Well Yknow how I’m a girl right?”

“Yeah? you’re my girlfriend!”

“Well i’m not so Sure i am a girl anymore…i’ve realized i might be trans..sorry if it’s a deal breaker for you and if you wanna end things i completely understand”

“What?? break up with you??? why would i do that when i just got a boyfriend! is there anything else i should know?”

————————

Wowee this took unnecessary long for me to write considering the last one was only like 15 mins 😅 i hope you all enjoyed this one! i’ll post the ftm version and nb version later

Peace and love! -Ghosty

pst follow my main @ghostygloom

[v-anrouge]

i almost never draw men despite being a gay homosexual fruity man so genderbends just really tickle my pickle however twst fans are so egregiously bad at doing genderbends??? do. people just think genderbends are longer hair, boobs, and an hourglass figure? fem!vil would not just be vil but with allat YOU WANKERS RAAAGGHHHHH. vil is feminine because hes a MAN and is breaking out of the norms of being a man. his femininity is crucial to his identity as a man. whatever he may be, he'll always be gnc, because the whole point about him is that he DESPISES stereotypical expectations of gendered presentation. he owns his masculinity while also being comfortable in his femininity. so if vil were a woman she'd have short hair, dress in typically masculine clothes, call herself a king-- fuck, vil would probably use he/him pronouns. all that wouldn't negate fem!vil's identity as a woman because her womanhood is based off being her truest self, of embracing the energy that makes her, her, even if it isn't stereotypically feminine, and breaking out of the norms is what gives her power and comfort in her identity. her womanhood IS breaking out of the confines that shackle women to this paragon of submissive perfection. it makes me mad when people waste the potential of genderbends especially since gender can add different and interesting nuance to a character given how the concept itself can shape and affect people's lives on the whole. not to mention, women are often given more shit for doing the exact same thing men do so it'd be interesting to see these characters changed to adapt to that. more people might be anti's of fem!vil than of og!vil. call her a manhater and a feminist that's weakening society and so much more horrible shit because every weak man just NEEDS to drag a strong woman down and humble her and though og!vil is already headstrong, full of confidence, and ready to give anyone shit, fem!vil would have to build her resilience even more against the raging misogyny she'd receive. she knows just how much the world hates women and gnc people like her and that's what motivates her even more to destroy society's narrowminded perception of gender. and you just know how butch women aren't even perceived as women by many members of the queer community-- she's a woman, and she's butch, masculine, etc etc and you'll know it. she won't take shit from both heteronormative people AND prejudiced queer people.

maybe im just speaking yappanese because twst doesn't really have the history of misogyny and sexism as the real world does however there is proof that there is toxic gender norms where we can see the toxic masculinity from the real world being reflected in epel so id take that as an indicator that we may share similarities in some of their societies.

anyhow point is that if you genderbend gnc characters like vil to just be the stereotypical representation of the gender you're bending tjem to, you're the person they hate the MOST. you're putting them in the box they DESPISE because you refuse to see all the effort they've put into their non-conforming identity and seeing them as nothing more than what you expect from them-- perceiving them in the constricting standard they're fighting to break. STOP MAKING ALL FEM!CHARACTERS SHORTER AND THINNER AND MORE CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE YOU SCAT STAINS!!!!! WHILE A PART OF WOMANHOOD AND UNDESERVING OF HATE, ITS NOT THE PARAGON OF WOMANHOOD BECAUSE THERE IS NO STANDARD TO IT AND TO DEPICT ALL FEM!CHARACTERS AS A MONOLITH OF THE SORT IS AN INJUSTICE TO THEM AS A WHOLE!!! you want a girlboss but can't even do girlbosses right what makes you think you can handle girlfailures or girldisasters OR GIRLINSANITY. women are not there for you to draw them pretty. they can be just as complex as their masc counterparts if not more than in some scenarios.

like fem!jamil would be even more tragic. fem!riddle too. fem!leona too. not to say that they aren't already full of existing nuance because they ARE and it's GREAT but fem characters are just so full of heart wrenching potential AND NO ONE TAKES IT UP RAGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

anyways im not even a girl kisser but i would kiss fem!rook because i fucking love it when girls are unfiltered and creepy and off-putting and disturbing and covered in blood. maybe im bisexual. who knows.

also i just think fem!malleus would be super cool like ahagha girllll you're SO autistic and strange and frightening pleasseeee talk to me about gothic architecture while i explode.

ANON U ATE LIKE HIGHKEY OH MY GOD PLEASE IM PUTTINGTTHIS IN THE MAIN TAG

i never quite understood why i always disliked vil genderbents specifically until like some time ago that i realized the reason i hated it it's because the way people draw it (hyperfemme) doesn't make sense for vil's character, it doesn't make sense that vil, as a man would dress feminine to fight gender roles yet if he was a woman that wouldn't happen and she would still be dressing feminine. genderbents r such an :/ topic because most ppl that make them take the characters make them shorter, skinnier, puts then in tight short clothes, gives them long hair makeup and idk man it always puts me off like being a woman is way more than that and despite the fact a lot of women do present themselves that way, making EVERY character be like that is just idk it FEELS wrong. i feel like most genderbents r just copy and pastes of the same gender roles slapped into a character carelessly just because and honestly it fucking sucks

[taramaclaywasaterf]

Wedding update🤪

Being the only Gay at a straight wedding surely is an…experience lmao. I’ve been friends with the bride for over half our lives but her family is, for lack of a better word, ~Christian~. I was a bridesmaid and I told her I’d happily wear the dress the other bridesmaids were wearing (they were actually really pretty- a dark maroon silky gown) and she insisted I didn’t have to, so I just got the same suit the groomsmen wore, except I wore a more “feminine” (aka floral) tie that matched the bridesmaids dresses, plus maroon socks. I even let the makeup artist put a bit of mascara on me which I wasn’t happy about but hey, it’s not my wedding, it’s not about me. Although she did wanna pluck my brows and I said absolutely the fuck not lmao. I walked down the isle and I swear to god her ~Very Christian~ grandmother about keeled over.

At the reception I felt simultaneously a bit like a circus attraction and a plague- like I was to be either avoided or gawked at with no gray area. People either looked at me like 😬🫤😒 or like 😳😲😨 and nothing in between. Did I mention this wedding was in North Carolina? Yeah. I do get stares and stuff in PA/Jersey too sometimes, but never like this. The grooms family was more chill but still had that….vibe.

But, the way straight women my age who’ve never really interacted with (out) lesbians before act the moment they get like one single glass of champagne in them is crazy tho lol. Im not talking about the “spaghetti girl” bullshit or whatever, but it’s just like you can see them have that moment where they realize they don’t Have To be hyper feminine, if that makes sense? Like, I sit with my legs spread. I take up space. I talk over men who interrupt me. I took my jacket and tie off and unbuttoned a few buttons and rolled up the sleeves because it was hot in the room. I slouched and laughed loudly and didn’t care to be ~ladylike~ or whatever. And I’ll see them kinda watch me. And you can just see these women start to pick up the same traits. They’ll slouch a little bit more. They’ll kick off their heels. They’ll put their elbows on the table. They’ll laugh and smile without covering their mouths or trying to keep quiet. It’s really really cool. It reminds me of the first time I met a gender non conforming woman and realized there’s more to being a woman than just a rigid cage of femininity. And how fucking freeing that is. It’s cool to actually be that person for someone.

There was one girl who I found out was the grooms cousin, and the first words out of her mouth when she met me were “hi! What are your pronouns!” And I was just like “🙃oh!😃 I’m a woman!” Literally not meanly or bluntly or anything whatsoever, and she just went “…oh.” Like hello ?? You clearly know I’m a woman. You wouldn’t have asked if I was a man in a suit, and you wouldn’t have asked if I was a woman in a dress, so why tf are you asking me just because I’m a wearing a suit. I preferred the Christians.

Anyway. When I got back to Jersey this morning I was like “oh thank fuck I’m home” lol.

Oh!!! And!!! I didn’t drink a single thing!!! It was open bar! I even held up a glass of champagne for the toast and didn’t drink it!! I’m literally so proud of myself I can’t even put it into words. A year ago I wouldn’t have been able to do this, but I did. I fucking did it.

I got a new suit for my friend’s wedding I have coming up and in an unfortunate turn of events as I stood there in the dressing room I realized that I look just fucking like my father

[5typesoftrash]

warning: this is going to be a long post. transphobia and bigotry under the cut

I am posting this rebuttal of a person who got (hilariously) angry at someone who Does Not Care (me) and wrote an entire-ass essay on this post because apparently this is how I spend my time. Defending my identity which does not need to be defended because it is immutable from transphobic trolls who won’t even see it cause they’re blocked from this account.

Anyway. Be careful looking under the cut.

TERFs, gender-crits, radical feminists, transmeds, nb-exclus, anti-mogai, and anyone else whose ideology promotes transphobia and/or trans erasure, please kindly do not fucking touch this post. I am not kidding when I say that I will report you all to tumblr for hate speech if it takes me all fucking night.

Image Description

Two screenshots of a reblog from tumblr user homosexual-means-gay. The post reads:

please tell me how literally every single gay man being repulsed by ppl with vaginas hurts you! tell us why it’s a problem gay ppl aren’t attracted to the opposite sex like straight and bi ppl are!

homosexuality isn’t a political movement it’s a regular natural innate sexuality. gay men aren’t attracted to biological females and it hurts gay ppl when you side with conversion therapists and it hurts bisexual ppl who actually are attracted to both sexes when you erase them for your homophobic agenda. you’re not a victim. you’re happy to eliminate homosexuality from existence as long as you’re able to reinforce heteronormative gender roles the gay community has always opposed. your bigotry harms trans homosexuals too, not that you transhets care about the gay trans ppl either.

erased from history? you want gay ppl correctively raped out of existence bc you love socially constructed gender roles more than human rights. you deserve all the hate you put out into the world. im sorry our innate orientation and culture prove how flimsy and useless the gender roles you define yourself by are, but homophobia will not improve your self esteem. you’re driving away ppl who would be happy to support your made up identity by attacking how we were born same sex attracted. sorry you can’t relate bc you’re straight. sorry you think you can use your privilege against us. but it’s not something we’re doing to you. it’s not something we can change and it’s not something we want to change. there’s never been a gay man in existence who likes pussy, not even the gay trans women like marsha p johnson and sylvia rivera. you’re a sad little straight girl alienating all potential allies.

hurting us doesn’t validate you. it doesn’t hurt you that no gay man will ever like pussy.

End ID

(If someone wants to do a better ID that’s fine, I just wanted to put everyone on an equal playing field when it comes to understanding the content of this post.)

I’m going to go line-by-line and refute every single bullshit thing this person said.

> please tell me how literally every single gay man being repulsed by ppl with vaginas hurts you!

factoid actually just statistical error. TERF Tommy, who has committed multiple transphobic hate crimes, is an outlier and should not have been counted. I know many cis gay men who are attracted to trans men because they are MEN, not because of the genitalia they have. And I know you want to say ‘that makes them bi’, but no, it doesn’t. You want to accuse me of homophobia? Telling another gay person that their identity is invalid just because they express it in a different way than you do is literal homophobia.

>  tell us why it’s a problem gay ppl aren’t attracted to the opposite sex like straight and bi ppl are!

because... some are? And you don’t speak for the entire gay community? Especially not the other side of it, for the opposite binary gender than yours.

>  homosexuality isn’t a political movement it’s a regular natural innate sexuality.

and transness isn’t a political movement either, it is a regular natural and innate gender identity. You know that gender identity is inherent, right? When people say ‘gender is a social construct’ all that means is that it is not a natural thing. Humans created the concept of gender and assigned value to it based on what we could perceive as a means of giving order to the world around us. That doesn’t mean that it isn’t important and it doesn’t mean that there aren’t parts of it that are inherent to individuals.

>  gay men aren’t attracted to biological females and it hurts gay ppl when you side with conversion therapists and it hurts bisexual ppl who actually are attracted to both sexes when you erase them for your homophobic agenda.

I’m sorry this is literally incoherent. To reiterate: some gay men ARE attracted to assigned females. Yes, siding with conversion therapists hurts gay people. No, I am not siding with conversion therapists. I have never once stated -- in fact, the entire point of my post was the opposite of this -- that anyone should EVER have sexual interactions with a person they don’t want to. Even if the reason for that is because they have a genital preference, which is NOT the same thing as a sexuality.

(I know I’ve been over this before but here it is again. A sexuality is a measure of what GENDER/S you want to have sex with. A genital preference is a measure of what genitalia you are willing to get all up close and personal with. Both are innate, one can be manipulated. They are not the same thing.)

Hurting bisexual people... hey, fellow bis, am I hurting you by *checks notes* existing in time and space?

>  you’re not a victim. you’re happy to eliminate homosexuality from existence as long as you’re able to reinforce heteronormative gender roles the gay community has always opposed.

I am literally A GAY PERSON. Even by YOUR MEASURE I am a victim. And I do NOT want to eliminate homosexuality, I just want people to acknowledge that language evolves and definitions can change as our society does. Also, have you ever met a trans person in real life? Because like 80% of all the trans people I’ve ever known have been gender non-conforming, so like. That invalidates that point. The trans community opposes gender roles as well.

>  your bigotry harms trans homosexuals too, not that you transhets care about the gay trans ppl either.

Please point to where it says I’m straight. Please. I want to see it.

>  erased from history? you want gay ppl correctively raped out of existence bc you love socially constructed gender roles more than human rights.

At this point I’m just repeating myself. Please see the above points for rebuttal.

>  you deserve all the hate you put out into the world. im sorry our innate orientation and culture prove how flimsy and useless the gender roles you define yourself by are, but homophobia will not improve your self esteem.

Says the person berating a minor for *flips notecard over* agreeing with them that people shouldn’t be forced into sex. I’m sorry that you’re so hurt and angry that you have to push your pain onto other people just to feel better. I genuinely am. It makes me so sad to see how much some people are hurting. But I won’t just sit and take this kind of verbal abuse. I don’t deserve it, quite frankly.

>  you’re driving away ppl who would be happy to support your made up identity by attacking how we were born same sex attracted.

I doubt anyone calling it a made-up identity wants to actually support me. Next.

>  sorry you can’t relate bc you’re straight. sorry you think you can use your privilege against us. but it’s not something we’re doing to you. it’s not something we can change and it’s not something we want to change.

Again. I am not straight. I do not have any straight privilege to use against anyone. Even if I was cis I still wouldn’t be straight because I’m aroace and attracted to anyone and everyone. My gender identity isn’t something that I can change, either. And even if I couldn’t, I wouldn’t want to. I love being a man, and I love being a trans man. 

>  there’s never been a gay man in existence who likes pussy, not even the gay trans women like marsha p johnson and sylvia rivera.

I’m sorry, WHAT. Marsha P Johnson and Sylvia Rivera can’t be both gay men and trans lesbians. Which one are they? You gotta pick, babe.

> you’re a sad little straight girl alienating all potential allies. hurting us doesn’t validate you. it doesn’t hurt you that no gay man will ever like pussy.

So am I a transhet or am I a straight girl? Also I’m not sad, I’m quite happy with where I’m at in my life. I do not feel validated by hurting anyone, because I don’t enjoy pain. I’m not masochistic or emotionless, I am in fact hyperempathetic due to my autism, and I don’t like it when anyone is hurt. This can be evidenced by this post here where I wish well upon a group of people who have directly hatecrimed me in the past. 

I will repeat that. I have literal trauma from physical violence as a result of the actions of this group of people, and I am still wishing them good things. 

Nor does it hurt me that ‘no gay man will ever like [AFAB genitalia]’ because this isn’t even a true statement. As I have mentioned previously, I know personally multiple gay men who are attracted to trans men. And reader, please note the fact that this person uses a slang term, a deliberately vulgar one, where in my original post I used the medical term ‘vagina’.

Hope this clears some things up.

TERFs, gender-crits, radical feminists, transmeds, nb-exclus, anti-mogai, and anyone else whose ideology promotes transphobia and/or trans erasure, please kindly STILL do not clown on this post. I am once again not kidding when I say that I will report you all to tumblr for hate speech if it takes me all fucking night.

[azirafels]

on crowley, sexuality and gender-fluid representation

[pulls out pages of notes] ok so lets talk about snake boy. like god i love this fool with every inch of my being. and i do think one of the MULTIPLE reasons i and many others love and relate to him as a character is his portrayal of gender-fluidity. he presents/chooses to present biologically as male, but at the same time chooses to present himself in appearance as both male and female through the clothing he wears, his hair etc. more often presenting as feminine than masculine. and he does all this whilst still acting like a typical dude.

like what gets me so !!!!! about this is that 1) as someone attracted to all genders i find it rather ssexy of him, and 2) this is just one of those very real and relatable characteristics of genderqueer people. like you can totally be masculine in your mannerisms whilst also dressing in stereotypical feminine clothing. like why the fuck not? girls do it all the time, we’re always wearing men’s shirts, sweats, boxer shorts etc. and it isn’t really seen as something that diminishes femininity.

and YET, for some reason that is fucking beyond me, when guys wear anything other than ‘clothes for men’ and diesel scent they’re perceived as feminine. and with that feminine association, are attached to the label of being sexually queer. and it so fucking wrong. not because they aren’t queer hey they probably are, the point is that no one should have an identity pinned onto them by others, especially an identity based purely on stereotypes.

and look. im not saying that gender-fluid girls have it easy (and by ‘gender-fluid girls’ i’m referring to gender-fluid individuals that are biologically female), we definitely don’t. however, i do think gender-fluid boys get a lot more shit for it than we do.

watching crowley though, i feel like we’re finally getting the representation of this gender-fluid male type that you just never see portrayed without being attached to a sexually queer label.

you see, the thing about gender-fluid people that is often misinterpreted, mainly due to stereotypes, is the false notion that we present ourselves according to our sexual orientation. this causes our sexuality to be assumed by other people from the way we dress and present. this is why many people that see a gender-fluid man wearing tight pants will automatically label and judge that man as being gay despite not even knowing him. its why gender-fluid girls with pixie cuts are assumed lesbian. 

but with crowley we don’t really make that assumption based on what he wears, only by his interactions. and the great thing about him being a non-human entity is that we can’t canonically identify his sexuality, or that he even has one. sexuality doesn’t define who he is at all. it’s his actions and how he chooses to present himself that defines him and i just really love that?

listen. i just see a very relatable person that is very balanced with both feminine and masculine energy, only instead of just presenting as the gender of biological sex (which is what WE are conformed to do in modern society), they’re just expressing themselves in a way that feels natural, not acknowledging what is expected of their biological gender whatsoever.

some people might think that his character being ‘non-human’ might actually degrade or denormalise this reality of gender-fluidity, but i think it actually elevates it. doesn’t it really go to show that all this discourse about labels and our differences just doesn’t matter, at all? if gender expectations don’t exist for ‘higher beings’ shouldn’t we as humans all strive to be more this way inclined?

idk man i just love what neil gaiman did with this. it’s such a positive representation of the natural gender-fluidity within people, so subtle and tastefully done

man, did i mention i love crowley?

[elvesofnoldor]

im losing my entire fucking mind and i dont know anything abt myself anymore and why? why? all cause one day in undergrad, out of nowhere, i went “hey am i a woman?” like i was asking myself what flavour of cheesecake i wanted for dessert. That was like, right after i felt comfortable with the fact that im a lesbian. And the answer should have been simple and short: “yeah duh you dumb fucking bitch, why did you ask? why do you think asking this is fucking productive? forget about it!” But no, i decided to engage with the question and it opened a fucking pandora’s box, and this question latched onto me like a fucking parasite, because this question allows me to think about another crucial question im always afraid to ask myself: am i truly attracted to men? With lesbianism, i can answer this question with ease by saying, no, these flimsy “crushes” i have on like two or three boys when i was a child/teen were result of compulsory heterosexuality, boom, that’s it. simple! not to mention, i know that lesbians can experience attraction to men in the past and even had past relationship with men and still be lesbians, sometimes sexuality isn’t solid as a brick, and none of that should have mattered! 

 so yeah, lesbianism is the answer i LIKE, yet part of me is not satisfied with this answer! of course! why not! since when am i ever satisfied with anything EVER?  over time, i started to want a “man’s body” when i see a cis dude with bare chest in picture, and it seems like i started to identify more and more with...masculinity and manhood...in general? even fictional men? at times? i dont fucking know! its a huge mess! and confusing! and my memories are all blurry and false and twisted by my current perception. sure i think i always kind of aspire to “androgynous looks”, but i like being a lesbian! At first, i was like, maybe im a non binary lesbian cause oh baby i know im not bisexual-- i dont want to be with men, but i want to be with women and that’s a certainty. And i know i had one real crush in life--sure it brought me nothing but misery but i know i had one true crush and it was a girl, a friend, from my high school-- whereas my possible feelings abt real boys or fictional men are very flimsy in comparison. still, part of me started to think that perhaps i can only process these feelings i might have for other men/boys in the past if i can...idk see myself as another man? i dont fucking know! Literally, it’s the most unproductive thing to think about! More importantly, i did not fall in love with any real man nor do i want to fall in love with any man! but i still kept questioning myself about this, cause i kept having these strong feelings abt,  FICTIONAL MALE CHARACTERS. And idk, part of me was like, “maybe you’d be comfortable with your attraction to men if you...are a man?”, and yeah i actually engage with this line of fucking thinking. its so fucking embarrassing that MEN THAT ARE NOT REAL can have such ridiculous heavy impact on me, it’s fucking ridiculous and i hate it!!! Every time i started to get invested in some stupid story that doesn’t matter cause it’s a fucking fictional story, there is like, this ONE MAN, one fucking bitch, that i felt very strongly about and it didn’t feel entirely platonic. i knew i was not straight since a teen and it took me FOREVER to even seriously consider that im a lesbian even though i dread the thought of being with men for the longest time, precisely because i keep having these weird strong feelings about fictional men every once a while!!!! 

makes no mistake i explored more rational options. during this time i made a rant abt it on here--i didnt want to! i tried not to make personal posts cause i dont want to bother strangers! but idk i guess my attention seeking whore ass just have to put my personal feelings out there eventually or i will die? anyways, a very nice mutual talked to me abt it, he was a trans man and as it turns out we shared a lot of similar experiences in regards to gender, and you’d think--hey maybe that helped? but no it fucking didn’t. it was nobody’s fault but it didn’t help, cause i clung on my womanhood for no apparent productive reason. i was still confused and, well, like a normal person i was like, let’s have human interaction! let’s actually explore my attraction to women! you don’t want to be with men so forget about them! forget what you might feel abt them! explore what you KNOW! explore certainty! so i did and ofc it ended up in shit, cause a girl who has a girlfriend (it was a closed relationship btw) asked me if i wanted to “hang out” on a dating app for wlws called HER and i genuinely thought it was a date? didnt know she has a girlfriend until AFTER we met. i wasn’t actually even surprised that she didn’t actually want to date me, because im ugly! im not attractive! im not even attracted to myself lol! plus she was very nice and cool and i was just happy that i made a friend with a fellow lesbian. but after that, i lost motivation to use that dating app, because one minor set-up and failure is all it takes for me to give up, its always like that with me. because im weak and pathetic, its always been like this. 

yeah at one point i basically said im non binary on my bio, but  i rather tell ppl im a lesbian and be done with it since im not entirely sure abt being non binary. Also, I know that non gender-conforming lesbians are everywhere, cis lesbians who are uncomfortable with gender identity exist! butches exist! they are here and they deal with it and they find community. but i don’t identify with...being butch? it was very nice to see gender non conforming, tom-boyish or butchy women out there, they  gave me hope, they are my heroes but i just dont feel like...they are me? i dont feel like feminine women either, im attracted to feminine women but i dont identify with their look and their femininity. like i said, this is a huge fucking mess. 

And now i have finally fucking done it, huh, dorian fucking p*vus, a gay male character. The clownery of it all! how the fuck, do i explain to ANYONE that i, a lesbian, have feeling that isn’t entirely platonic about a fictional gay man? yeah thats right thats why i romance him! i lied! ok! i fucking lied, it was cause i want to fuck him! ok! yeah, i know, ridiculous. i feel like im disrespecting him, that im , idk, fetishizing him, but i am not! i can’t be! i love him so much it hurts? it shouldnt be like that. i really shouldn’t. i cant make sense of this, its driving me nuts. still, this whole ordeal eventually got me thinking abt my gender, yet again, and it pushed me over the edge and i even told my dad that i want to transition this summer, that i am a man because i thought maybe i’d be much happier and less repressed if i can just accept that i like men-- if i can explore this possibility. i know i will NEVER accept liking man as a woman, and i know i already kinda have some sort of identification with manhood and masculinity, so why not! i was coming up with solutions! but i didnt even fall in love with a real man, and i was considering this serious level of transition in my life that requires time, money, and the process concerns health risk??? for what??? i was looking up all these info about transition, for WHAT? i gotta be out of my fucking mind! the most ridiculous thing is that while i always like a number of female characters, i would never feel as strongly about any of them in particular as i would, for that one fucking man. Even merrill, like, i love her and i genuinely feel like i want to be with a girl like her int he future but i dont feel as strongly about her as i would for dorian, for some, fucking, reason. 

i headcanon the lavellan i used to romance dorian as a trans man, cause i was thinking, perhaps this would put things into perspective. and yeah, i wanna fuck dorian, but also i want to envision what my future CAN be using my lavellan as a proxy. things were simpler with my lavellan. he was handsome and had no body image issue, he was fit, transition was easy for him cause magic and he virtually spent no money on it, he was passing, his family and community fully supported him, he had a lovely girlfriend before he knew he was trans. sure, he has problems and issues to deal with but none are the ones i gotta deal with. he is not me, but he has what i wanted and what i wish i had: beauty, confidence, a girlfriend, easy FTM transition, and he is a man so he’s legally allowed to fuck dorian. but i did not transition, and im still a cis woman with long hair, and ppl looks at me and they probably still thinks im straight, im not straight but i AM a ugly cis woman and i dont think transition’d help cause i might just become a even uglier man lol. And if i dont become a beautiful, stunning man, then i dont want to become a man at all cause if things dont turn out perfectly for me, i dont want to do them and its always like that for me and its why im a fucking failure on everything right now. so many trans people are not passing, but they deal with it, not me tho! i can’t, cause im a pathetic baby!!!  i cant deal with any minor inconvenience in my fucking life i guess!!!! And i cant help but to feel weird about having a trans man as one of my ocs. maybe i should make him cis instead? im so exhausted,  i cant help but to feel that my trans mutuals want to just pull the trigger on me and unfollow me cause you all are silently judging me for having a trans oc when im still technically, cis. well judge me in my fucking face you fucking cowardly fucks! Am i cis? well idk, probably, maybe im just a hysterical crazy bitch of a cisgender^tm woman who is constantly uncomfortable with her gender, maybe thats all there is. who knows, all i know is that im burnt out, that i don’t know anything anymore and it was all a huge fucking mess that things dont matter. this is causing me nothing but pain and confusion and i dont want to be wrong myself. ftm transition is not, “oh geez lets just explore a option” kind of deal, its kinda fucking serious  and its stressing me out. i dont know what i want, who i am, anything and i can’t afford to be wrong so i dont know!!!!! i just dont know!!!!!!!! i talked abt with a therapist actually but all therapist do is to LIE lie AND LIE and tell me things i already know, “you need to be careful with about transitioning! it’s a big decision” who pays you to say this garbage to me? “you are capable and beautiful and you can do this! believe in yourself!” as if ppl saying this shit is enough???? as if i still need to go see a fucking therapist if i am magically ok after i talk to somebody and they tell me lies that sound validating????i know they dont believe in what they said anyways. “you are ok! you are fine, you have no problem” BITCH I WISH I AM OK, BUT AM I OK? IM FUCKING NOT AND YOU ARE $60 RICHER THAN AN YOU ARE AN HOUR AGO! FUK YOU! LIES LIES LIES!!!!! men lie too, i put on some bad eyeliner and some random creepy dude came and told me im beautiful! beautiful my ass! im fucking ugly and i know it, you really think im fucking stupid you fuck? am i just being a special snowflake? are the things that i know for certainty actually certainty??? nothing about me feels real anymore, and maybe im just being dramatic but  my self perception is non existent and i feel like im just lying to myself even though i thought i was being truthful and ppl keep telling me lies and nothing helps. im living on lies and it is festering