#not to be ungrateful. though i know 99% of these people will not read my fic. but like i made the vibes very clear

[beedreamscape]

I "love" when people add my Mads fic to their Hannibal and dark miscellaneous reading lists and it's full of dark and red covers, blood and middle-aged actors, antlers and cannibalism.

And then there's my fic with bright rainbow and flowers on the cover.

[olderthannetfic]

Escapade Vid - The Untamed

I could say this was my attempt at meta on an underappreciated character and that's why I wanted to vid Wen Ning…

Nah, I just think he's hot.

Wen Ning has this adorable babyface and big eyes. Just my type. And then he got a goth makeover and became a creepy zombie, increasing his hotness by ten thousand times. The Living Dead was everything I wanted except for dubcon possession porn, and it both irritates and cracks me up to see how many people find it OOC and badly made. I agree the colors are an abomination though--but more on that later.

I like Wen Ning the best because 1. He's hot and 2. He's one of the most competent characters and compromises his morals the least. Mianmian might be one up on him given how her story turns out, but in a whole series of craven idiots, I like the suicidally moral characters, especially when they're competent.

And also JC. Because I like his face. (What? I never said my Untamed feels were deep.)

I wanted to make this vid last year, right after Escapade. I spent forever finding a song, and I'm glad I did it then because it was a nightmare. I can find love songs easily, but I don't really care about WN/WWX, nor would most love songs fit that. It's clearly one-sided, but WN is also clearly totally happy to follow him around forever. Happy love songs are out. Pining angst is out.

WN is also motivated by high ideals more than specific family feelings. WQ wants to protect her family. WN wants to repay his debts. WN is a shy doofus on the surface when we first see him, and he acts flustered around most of the older characters, but this is deceptive. I feel like the most revealing scene is when he pops up at Lotus Pier, ready to grab JC and take on his entire clan. In what universe was this a good idea? What is he even doing there? Why did it actually work???

I wanted a song that encapsulated WN's quiet stubbornness. The trouble is that like 99% of popular music is either about romance or about being a confident badass, and most of the confident badass music is "Fuck you, ex boyfriend, I'm stronger now". I did not want an ex boyfriend song. A bunch of other songs are macho, flexing dudes talking about how they'll win the sports competition. Obviously, that was out. There are a very few songs like Try Everything, but they're awfully perky for covering Wen Ning's entire story, including him getting, you know, gruesomely murdered.

I honestly can't remember how I found the song I picked. I was probably listening to Happy Hanukkah on endless repeat and saw it in the Youtube sidebar. (Look, it's a great song for all times of year. Shut up.) Matisyahu has many amazing songs that build and move in ways ideal for vids.

I then sat on this source/song combo for a year because, well, it sure was a year. But when we got close to Escapade, I realized I wanted to finish it for the con.

Clip choices:

I'm not going to include the full lyrics on their own since they're in English and on every lyrics site. Instead, I'm putting the relevant bits between my explanations of what I chose and why. A lot of it came together quickly. I knew I wanted to include cute WN moments, like him being bullied by kids, and they wouldn't fit in the main narrative, so I had to put them in the intro.

Feel like the world don't love you They only wanna push you away Some days people don't see you You feel like you're in the way

I had a lot of trouble with 'push you away' since, generally speaking, no one does push him away. However, this is a vid from Wen Ning's own perspective, so it felt like an acceptable match to use the part where Wen Qing tries to leave him behind as they go on a hunt. She's objectively correct to do so given what happens, but Wen Ning is clearly upset that she tried. He doesn't want to be protected, especially at the cost of other people's safety.

Today you feel as if everyone hates Pointing their fingers, looking at your mistakes You do good, but they want great No matter what you give they still wanna take

I was very clear from early on that I wanted to use 'mistakes' for what Wen Ning is actually upset about: ruining Jin Ling's life. Of course he feels super guilty about what he did, despite it not being his fault, but the specific fallout Wen Ning is going to care about is a kid's feelings, not the political drama. That gave me the idea for what to do with 'good' and 'great'. More than most characters in the series, WN is not impressed by the power structure or reputations--scared, yes, but not impressed. WN likes bringing people food, at little things that are quietly good, and their society does not value that. (Cf. everything about Jiang Yanli's betrothal before Jin Zixuan catches feelings.)

'No matter what you give' I used for a shot that is probably not going to read as anything in a convention vidshow. He's bruised up, so I was hoping it would read properly visually. The actual context of the shot is WN having been thrown in the dungeon for being a traitor to the Wen. And yet, when the Wen are defeated, does he get a pardon? Nope, ignominious death. It really didn't matter what he did: these factions are all thoroughly corrupt and the entire system is garbage. It's all power-hungry assholes and sanctimonious prisses ripe for manipulation. All that mattered was that he was a Wen, and the Wens were either on top or being exterminated.

Give your love and they throw it back You give your heart they go on attack When there's nothing left for you, Only thing that you can do, say

The next part is WWX being an ungrateful little bitch. He's understandably stressed, but it still cracks me up that he's all up in WN's face and WN is literally only there to help him. WN might feel an obligation, but WWX sure isn't earning it here.

'When there's nothing left' I wasn't sure about. WN hitting rock bottom is arguably when he gets killed or maybe when they're in the burial mounds, but that didn't work with my structure. I chose to put a montage here of all the times that WQ tells him to stay safe by ditching WWX. I sympathize with WQ, but as WN comments in one of these scenes, he's following their own family code that she taught him. WQ cares so much about protecting WN (and the rest of their little part of the clan, but let's be real, it's mostly about WN) that she's willing to collude with a mass murderer just to keep him safe. Maybe it's only because he's a younger sibling, but WN seems to see things a lot more clearly. I laugh every time he's like "Uh huh, uh huh" as she lectures, and then the next scene is him running off to do something dangerous again.

Today, today live like you wanna, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, Fight like a warrior, Today, today live like you wanna, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, Live like a warrior

For this round of the chorus, WN is burning his Wen clan membership in a fire, and the heroic thing is running away, living to fight another day. WN has no ego, nor would ego be helpful here.

Buuuut, equally, being an actual warrior means hurting people, and while he was literally mind controlled into murder, that still couldn't have happened if he hadn't been already involved in violence and fighting. Violence you regret is also part of this life, and so is accepting responsibility for your actions. (Sure, he's very literally not responsible here, but WN doesn't know that at the time and doesn't feel that even later.)

There's some things you should let go, They're only gonna pull you down, Just like weight on your shoulder They are only gonna make you drown

I swear The Untamed has the best casting for a variety of face types. I recognized everybody from the moment they appeared… Except for Su She. Whom I forgot entirely and couldn't recognize at all. Doh.

It wasn't till I was clipping the whole series for this vid that I realized that the reason Wen Ning gets possessed here is that he's the only one to notice Su She's plight and go to his aid right away. I think on first viewing, I read it as him just getting possessed before he could get in the air, but that's not what's happening at all. His dumb ass stayed behind to try to help someone. Seriously, fuck Su She. They live in a grotesquely shitty power structure, but WN responds in admirable ways, while Su She just whines that he's not on top.

We all swing high, we all swing low, We all got secrets people don't know We all got dreams we can't let go, We wanna be brave, don't be afraid

WN's secret is that he gets possessed so easily and why. WQ is refusing to tell WWX in this scene, but he has figured out something is up and gives her a talisman for WN, which shows up later in the plot to great emotional effect--though not in this vid, alas.

The butterfly reveal was one of the first things on my timeline as I recall. I have Many Feelings. Also, this is me, so yes, I totally ship them. >:D

WN and WQ showing up to accept responsibility is kind of a dumbass move, but it's definitely brave. I enjoy how WN just keeps barrelling through the plot in a way that should mean he's the cute woobie who dies early on to prove the world is bad… and that instead leads to him being one of the strongest fighters, making it through the series, and finding A-Yuan again. (Though, okay, he did that first thing also. Heh.)

I ended on Jin Ling because I was so struck on rewatch at how the juniors first meet Wen Ning.

Today, today live like you wanna, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, Fight like a warrior, Today, today live like you wanna, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, Live like a warrior

I dimly recalled this fight, but it wasn't till I was clipping that I realized just how much focus each of them gets and how WN is literally strangling them and such. I just remembered him fighting people, not who. It's hilarious how quickly after this (in their timeline) we have doofus woobie WN being cute and them being like "He's my murder zombie! ♥"

For this chorus, I focused on that change. WN is rescuing them. "Yesterday" is their scared faces. Here, being a "warrior" is apologizing to JL. And maybe WN doesn't really owe an apology, but JL does deserve one. Almost no one in the series seems to give a shit about how JL is feeling.

And then my favorite scene with my two faves! WN is finally telling JC what he has probably wanted to for ages. WN is a wuss when it comes to himself, but he gets righteously pissed when someone else is being mistreated. The yesterday he's letting burn here is his promise to keep quiet… along with viciously burning down every bit of self perception and hubris JC ever had. Ouch!

Your heart is too heavy from things you carry a long time, Been up you been down, tired and you don't know why, But you're never gonna go back, you only live one life Let go, let go, let go, let go, let go, let go,

Bless the sequel movie for literally being entirely about Wen Ning's internal struggle. The way he breaks free of the bad guy's hold is by accepting the past and letting go of his guilt over things he can't change.

Today, today live like you wanna, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, Fight like a warrior,

He's just so hot in this movie! This first chorus is him coming out of the hallucination, having beaten his self doubt and then beating on the villain.

Today, today live like you wanna, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, Live like a warrior

Okay, in actual canon, JL mostly joined them because he was competing with LSZ like the bratty little asshole he is, but I wanted to highlight how JL got over himself enough to join the other juniors on team WN. Also, WN defends both him and LSZ in this scene in ways he couldn't back then.

Today, today live like you wanna, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, Fight like a warrior,

This I wasn't planning on at all. As I was clipping the whole series, I was thinking that WN's possessed footage here wouldn't be narratively useful since he went and got taken over again, but when I rewatched for visually impressive stuff to use interstitially, I realized that--holy shit--he's defending Jin Ling in this scene. And he succeeds. I included both a shot of Jin Zixuan, which everyone caught in the vidshow, and a shot that nobody mentioned: Wen Ning's bloody fist after ripping JZX heart out to go with Wen Ning's bloody hand on the sword in the present as he struggles to keep it from Jin Ling. Here, fighting like a warrior means keeping the sword off of JL, even if WN can't defeat the spirit or resolve the entire situation himself.

ALSO I HAVE MANY FEELS ABOUT JC JUMPING IN FRONT OF JL.

Today, today live like you wanna, Let yesterday burn and throw it in a fire, in a fire, in a fire, Live like a warrior

Sometimes, WN is not that sweet. He traps this dude in a hell of his own making instead of letting him kill himself because Wen Ning can be a vindictive little bitch. And then he strides off into the matte painting sunset.

♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Other vidding notes:

I totally wanted to do something with Chinese characters, but there wasn't really space, and after much dictionary-searching and asking, it's clear that Chinese does not use morality metaphors involving a compass pointing true north. But that effort was not wasted since I needed a good font for my other vid.

Vidding The Living Dead turned out to be a pain. I had completely forgotten it was in another aspect ratio. The shots look much more beautiful before one crops them. That said, none of them are that beautiful because the entire film has this atrocious green color filter over it. It's like they're all wading through mud at all times. Ughhhhh. I spent so long trying to fix the color on that final scene to be at least a little pretty for my vid.

Still, the film had exactly the emotional tone I wanted. It very much skewers the fanon that WN is entirely the bashful wimp he appears to be on the surface when we first see him. It makes overt the change that we see over the series. It's also fundamentally different because it's a situation where WN is the senior person and in charge of someone. We've seen him babysit a small child, and we've seen him around the juniors with lots of people of his generation also there, but we've basically never seen him out from under WQ and WWX's thumbs. It's only natural that he's acting more authoritative here. His smackdown of the villain is very much in line with how he treats JC during the golden core reveal. WN is not a forgiving guy when he thinks someone has been selfish and awful.

Throughout this vid, there are shittons of color, speed, and motion effects. I don't normally use a lot, but it turned out to be a lot of fun this time. I should find another project to use effects on.

The vid:

Available on AO3.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #475

(from two days ago, oops)

What is your favorite background noise? (Ex. Water dripping, people talking.) I really like a steady rain tapping on the windows. Do you like taking selfies? Why or why not? No, because I'm ugly. It's annoying because I've been wanting to take pics with Girt considering even as just friends literally none exist of us, but yeah. I fucking hate taking pictures of myself and it takes a billion and two tries to get a picture I deem "acceptable" anyway. Were you named after anyone? No. What was the last comic book you read? I don't and never have read comic books. What is your heritage? German, Irish, and Polish. Describe the worst friend you have ever befriended. All things considered, somehow my former best friend was the worst. She was homophobic, racist, extremely self-centered, drama-driven, excessively bossy, ungrateful... I will never be able to explain how our friendship ever worked. If you found the recipe for immortality, would you sell it or would you burn it? Burn it. With certainty. We just aren't meant to live forever. What is the most embarrassing, cringe-worthy thing you have ever done? 99% of my life has been Cringe. What is the worst thing someone could do on a date? Be distracted/not pay attention to the other, like by constantly using their phone. It's so rude. That would immediately make me lose interest in you. If you could turn one legal thing illegal, what would it be? I dunno. What is something you swore you would never do when you grew up, but you did anyway? I was absolutely going to college as a kid. Fast-forward to the future, I've dropped out three times and am going nowhere. Little me saw me as so, so much more successful. Do you actually iron your clothes? No. Unless it's a formal occasion. Do you rent or own your current home? We rent. Have you ever used cursive after school, aside from your signature? My handwriting is naturally mostly cursive. Do you have your groceries delivered or do you buy them yourself? We order our groceries for pick-up, so we have to go to the store, but not in. Do you have a gym membership? Sigh. I do, but Mom and I have really been neglecting going since my time with my personal trainer ran out... What’s your favorite computer game genre? Horror, of course. Do you have any exes your parents never liked? No. Have you ever been severely mentally ill? I am. What was the last thing you purchased from a small local business? I don't know. Have you ever used chewing tobacco? EW no, that shit grosses me out so much. If someone’s laughing, do you instantly think they’re laughing at you? Suuuure do. How would you react if your parents told you they were having another baby? Well, they're divorced, Mom cannot stand my dad, and she also had a complete hysterectomy when she had ovarian cancer, so like... Have you ever had a garage or yard sale before? How much did you make? Over the course of my life, we've had a few yard sales. I don't remember how much we made at any. Have you ever had to evacuate your home for any reason? No. Which mythological creature is your favorite? DRAGONS. I love dragons. Have you ever been to a butterfly garden before? No, but that sounds amazing. What's the biggest bird you've ever seen up close? Oh my god y'all, when I volunteered once at a wildlife rehab center, I was FEET away from some sort of falcon. Guys, you would not believe JUST how big birds of prey are. I was shocked and in total awe. Have you ever seen a double rainbow before? More than once. Were you ever afraid of the dark as a child? I don't THINK I was? What is the strangest thing you’ve been asked? Something inappropriate that really pissed me off. What was your favorite game as a child? I was obsessed with the original Spryo trilogy and would play all three obsessively. What is the darkest thing you have seen on the internet? I don't know, dark shit. Do you crack your knuckles, neck or toes constantly? No, but ugh Girt does that with his neck and it drives me insane alsdkjfaljdlfkwe. Are you constantly catching colds or other sicknesses? No, my immune system is a legend. Are you afraid of mice? No, they're precious. What type of souvenir do you usually purchase when on vacation? I go on vacations so irregularly that I can't really answer this. I've been on a vacation maybe twice in my entire life. Do you own more than one copy or edition of a book? No. If you could see any musical on Broadway right now, what would it be? I don't like musicals. Will you willingly sing in front of other people besides your family? God no. Do you eat soup when you’re sick? No. I don't like soup. Who can never fail to make you laugh? Absolutely my boyfriend. He's the funniest person I know. Have you ever been on a tour bus? No. Do you prefer listening to things through headphones or speakers? Earplugs. Are you listening to music right now? No; I'm watching Gab play The Evil Within. Have you ever unbuttoned your ex’s pants? Just one of them, but we were together at the time. What are you planning on eating for dinner tonight if you haven’t already? Mom made pizza. What was the worst news you’ve heard this entire week? Girt's mother has Covid. He's vaccinated, but nevertheless, he's still getting a test done just to be safe, and also because if he's contracted it, I might have it. And that means my mother could get it, which just cannot happen, even if she's vaccinated, too. The poor guy is really freaking out about it, but ASTONISHINGLY, I'm not panicking yet. Girt's health has seemed fine, I'm fine, so... We'll just have to wait to see what his test says. Do you have a lot of trees around your house? What about buildings? No; yes. I hate living in the suburbs, it sucks here. Would you say either one of your parents are 'pack-rats?' No. Have you ever disowned anyone in your family? For what reasons? No. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. Do you have freckles? Do you like/dislike them? Not on my face, no. I have a few randomly on my body though. Would you ever consider getting dreadlocks? No. Have you downloaded extra fonts for your computer? Oh, plenty. Who is the latest great YouTuber you’ve discovered? The latest, uhhhh. I'd probably say John Wolfe as a truly "great" one considering I watch him regularly now. Do you read the Bible regularly? Yeah, no. All the Bible does is piss me off, frankly. Name three patriotic songs you like. I don't know about three, but I do shockingly like this one country song with a name I can't remember. All I know is it has "red, white, and blue" in the title. ... I think. Oh! There's "Deutschland" by Rammstein, even though it's not about my own country. Has it ever snowed on your birthday? Maybe at some point as a kid? Idr. Do you like the way your name is spelled? No, actually. I wish it was "Brittney." It's more true to the pronunciation. Do you believe in astrology? Not in the slightest, and while I really shouldn't care, like believe what you want, it's a genuine pet peeve of mine when others base their fucking lives around what positions some goddamn stars are in in an infinite universe. They make decisions based on bullshit being spat at them that might not be suitable. I know, it's stupid to care, but I can never seem to NOT roll my eyes when I see/hear people blaming their flaws and shit on this stuff. Are you one of those people who has like a hundred apps on their phone? No; I have very few. What’s the band that you love even though you know they’re awful? I can't help but love some Blood on the Dance Floor songs. :x Do you coo over other people’s babies? No, not really. Like I can acknowledge a cute picture and be like "awww," but it's nothing I lose my mind over at all. What is something that makes you very squeamish? VOMIT. If you’re out of high school, have you stayed in touch with your high school friends? If you’re still in school, do you think you will? The only high school friend of mine I'm still actively friends with/is still in my life is Girt, obviously. Like I have HS friends on Facebook that I still very much love and will react to what they post and sometimes comment, but we don't really talk-talk. Do you dye your hair regularly? No. :/ That's not something I can afford to do. Do you have an alter ego? Describe them: No. Do you know both of your biological parents? Which one do you prefer? I do, and I love them both. Do you store a lot of pictures you’ve taken that no one else has seen? I'm a wanna-be photographer, of course I do. If you had to name your kid after an American state, which would you choose? Probably "Dakota" for either gender. What do you use to dry your clothes? (Tumble dryer, radiator, etc) We have your normal dryer. Do you ever play the built-in games on your computer? Which ones? Nah. Do/did you doodle on your books at school? My notebooks and binders, ohhhh yes. Actual school textbooks, absolutely not. Who’d you last see in a tux? The groom and groomsmen of the last wedding I shot. Who’s the bravest person you know? Sara. Have you ever dated someone who was real sportsy? No.

[thetypedwriter]

A Man Called Ove Book Review

A Man Called Ove Book Review by Fredrik Backman 

As every avid book reader knows, there is something people loveeeeeeee to do once they know you like reading. 

They love to recommend books to you. 

Now, sometimes this is good. Sometimes the books they recommend have genuine merit and you berate yourself for not knowing about them earlier. 

Even more rarely, someone may recommend a book to you that becomes one of your favorite reads and you celebrate the instance of reading something outside of your normal circle that you found to your immense surprise that you loved. You tell yourself to read different things more often. This is a once in a blue moon occurrence. 

99% of the time, it’s just really really annoying. 

People tend to think that just because you like reading, you must like every book ever written. 

This is so inaccurate it hurts. 

Just like with anything else, people have specific tastes and preferences within something that they like. Just because you like watching movies, that does not mean that you enjoy every movie ever made. The same goes with music. Or TV shows. Or clothes. Or food. 

People have nuanced opinions. People can like something particular within a larger subset. I do love reading, that is true. 

But what I like reading is very specific. 

In general, as you’ve seen from my other reviews, I almost exclusively read young adult fiction. There are some outliers of course, a book here or there that will pop up that doesn’t fit that category and I welcome it wholly when that happens. 

But. When I tell people that I really enjoy YA and stick almost entirely to it and then they still Insist on having me read a non-fiction biography that changed their life- 

Well. Like I said: really really annoying. 

I know I must sound ungrateful, but I do find this to happen to me quite a lot. People even give me their books even after I’ve told them that I have my own pile and that no, I don’t really read biographies or non-fiction or horror. 

They give it to me anyway. I even have a separate pile of books in my apartment for the ones people give me that I have no interest in reading. 

Sometimes I donate them to the library. Sometimes I just put it on my shelf and call it a day without having cracked it open. And sometimes I actually read them and then one of the three options listed above occurs. 

A Man Called Ove was one of these occasions. 

As my boyfriend’s favorite author and one of his favorite books and having bought me a copy I felt like I owed it to him to try it. 

Is it YA? No. Is it something I would have picked up for myself? Again, no. 

Did I enjoy it? 

Well. That’s what the rest of this review is about. 

A Man Called Ove by Fredrik Backman is, you guessed it, about a grumpy curmudgeon called Ove. He lives in a cul-de-sac filled with pesky neighbors that just can’t seem to leave him alone in peace. 

At first, Ove is trying very hard  to accomplish something that is just out of your understanding as a reader. 

As the book progresses, you learn more about Ove, why he is the way he is, his past, his relationships and what he is trying to accomplish. 

What is this lofty goal you may ask? 

Well, to kill himself, unfortunately. 

As a reader you learn quickly that Ove is currently in the process of grieving the loss of his wife, a woman that lit up his world like the sun, someone who gave his whole life meaning and purpose. 

Their relationship is told in memories, anecdotes, and the conversations Ove has about her with others. It becomes apparent to Ove (and to the reader) that life is not worth living without her. 

So he attempts to join her once again in the afterlife only to find his attempts thwarted each time by a vexatious neighbor or someone knocking on his door or running over his mailbox. 

Instead of driving these people away, Ove is forced and commandeered into helping the others with a variety of tasks: fixing a radiator, teaching someone to drive, repairing a bike, giving rides to the hospital and so on it goes. 

Even though he yells and grumps and harrumphs, nobody seems to care. Instead they all seem to immediately be able to see his-not-so-subtle soft squishy insides instead of his prickly exterior. 

By the end of the novel, Ove has found other things to live for. He lives for the cat he never wanted, the house that needs constant repairs, the woman next door and her children that call him granddad. He lives for the teenager that needs refuge, an old friend he’s forgiven, and the little boy next door he’s watched grow up. 

So Ove lives. He lives and finds other purposes to keep on living for until he can see his beloved wife once again. 

Quite honestly, the comparison didn’t hit me until afterwards, but this book is literally an adaptation of Disney’s Up. 

Old Scrooge-like character? Check. 

A deceased beloved wife that was said main character’s whole world and reason to live? Check. 

Nettlesome neighbors that he eventually comes to love? Check.

Government officials being assholes? Check.

An adorable animal companion? Check and check.

The similarities are uncanny. As A Man Called Ove was published in 2013 and Up was released in 2009, I'm willing to give most of the credit here to Disney.

The book is by no means bad. It’s a very simple, very cute read. It’s wholesome to the core and the language is fluid and uncomplicated. 

The plot is easy to follow and while the ending was predictable, it was still warm and fuzzy. 

Nothing about this book is bad. 

Nothing about this book is particularly great either. 

The premise is undeniably basic, all of the characters are so exaggerated with their characterizations that they become archetypes of characters instead of fleshed out representations of people, many moments throughout the novel were laughably predictable, and while yes, the book does have some good lessons, it’s nothing I haven’t seen before done better somewhere else. 

*cough cough like Up cough cough* 

If you want an easy read for the holidays that will fill your heart with joy and satisfy your need for cheesy, fluffy moments then this book could very well be exactly what you’re looking for. 

Or, you know, you could save yourself time and money and just watch Up and get the same thing out of the movie that you would get from this novel. 

Recommendation: Watch Up. And then watch the other Pixar creations because damn are most of them still really good. 

Score: 5/10

[imagining-in-the-margins]

I don’t mean go back and fix it though that was really sweet, I just mean in the future fics. It’s so far down that it takes up a lot of my page and I end up scrolling past jsut out of irritation. Also trust me you have thousands of followers you don’t need to worry about people not reading because of how you position the read more tag

You’d be surprised. Follower count often doesn’t translate to notes. Before Blush my last three fics didn’t do well at all compared my previous writing, which was actually a big part of why I lost motivation for awhile. I’ve found people have a warped view of what things look like on my end 😅

But I’m grateful for the people who do follow and interact with me, and I realize how very lucky I am to get any validation at all. At the end of the day, I’m just glad I get to share stuff with everyone.

And I’m sorry that my posts irritate you. I still plan on keeping a few paragraphs, but I’ll continue to consider how much space it takes up. It really is a big concern for me, lol! That’s why I’m happy to go back and edit ones I might have miscalculated with (I post on a computer - which is required for read more lines - so it looks very different).

I hate to sound ungrateful because - again - I understand how very lucky I am and I constantly see talented writers being looked over for God knows why, but I spend a LOT of time and effort on my work, and I want to maximize the chances of people reading it (I think we all do?) Reader interaction is 99% of why fanfic writers do it. Otherwise I would just keep my stories to myself (I actually did this for 10 years!)

[evien-stark]

✧I Need You✧ Chapter 99

Your meeting was set for eleven AM, so of course Fury made you sit around in a waiting lounge on a lower level floor for an hour. The exact sort of thing he would do- and always did do. To let you know he was in control. And that you had no power. But it was fine. You made yourself busy by looking around, getting up. Walking along the floor. Asking where the bathrooms were. Really just taking in all the scenery. 

The big honking Eagle emblem in the lobby was a nice touch.

Security hadn’t been an issue. Although they did request for you to put your glasses in a bucket to pass an x-ray. And only made you nervous for a few seconds when one of the guards took them out to inspect them. But after that they handed all your items back to you. For extra precaution they broke out that little wand-scanner, of course going a little nuts when they wanded over your chest, but a quick look- and pointed-point to your Level 8 Agent badge, not that you liked to throw around the don’t you know who I am thing- made them reconsider. No fuss. So, things seemed safe. 

A little after twelve, a secretary came and got you, escorting you into a private elevator, in which you took careful note that it scanned you again (and her, but you weren’t really concerned with someone that worked there). Your face and details came up on the little panel screen. It read your level at “7”, which made you pause. Mistake? Or… Well. No time to really ask about it. Or care. You didn’t care about this. You had to remember that. 

Once upstairs, she showed you into Fury’s big beautiful office. Quite nice, but since he was the boss around here, it made sense. It certainly wasn’t as nice as your office. And you had no bias in thinking so. Surely. He was turned around, half looking out the window. As soon as the door closed and you made it halfway into the room you decided to make this as quick as possible. “So, look, there are really only two options here-” 

“You think you get to dictate what’s about to happen?” Still not looking at you, as he asked. 

Deep breath in and then out. There was no use in letting him ruffle your feathers. “I do. Yeah. That’s kind of why I’m here. Look. I know you’re pissed that I keep ignoring you and not going on missions.” 

Finally he turned around. “Pissed? Next you’re going to say you hurt my feelings. This is not personal.” 

“Good. I’m glad you think so.” Although Natasha had joked about that briefly. Stepping around his disdain, coming to sit in front of his desk. He turned fully then, steepling his fingers together as he watched you. “The truth of the matter is, I’m really not fit for missions anymore. I’m easily recognizable, now more than ever- and I’m busy.” 

“You say that like the rest of us just spend all day doing nothing.” His tone was just phenomenally dry. It was almost impressive.

But you couldn’t help the roll of your eyes. “No. It’s not a contest. I really am just busy. You know. With Damage Control. And clean up. And-”

“Things you chose to get yourself mixed up in. How is that my problem?” 

“Well it’s not your problem anymore. That’s what this whole meeting is about, isn’t it?” It was just too hard to not let Fury get under your skin. He was so fucking good at it. “Look… I’m not ungrateful, for the help SHIELD gave me- and, if I don’t have to quit, then I won’t. If I can do something else-” 

He huffed out a laugh. “You really think you’re so god damn special, don’t you? You gonna ask for my desk, next? You think you can run it all and put none of the blood and sweat in?” 

“Don’t you dare talk to me like I don’t do as much as anyone else.” Laying down the law immediately. You would not be talked down to. Not by anyone- but especially not by him. 

His hands went up. “Well why not? I can’t begin to imagine how highly you think of yourself, but you don’t put in the work like everyone else. Captain Rogers has seen more field work than you, and you had a head start. No one else complains. Agent Romanoff- Agent Barton- yet you get your fingers a little dirty and suddenly-” 

There was a storm brewing. And he was infinitely lucky that it got cut off by the yelp of a nervous secretary and a slamming door. It startled you into a stand, whipping to see what the commotion was entering the office. And, to your very real surprise, it was an extremely angry- “Steve-” 

His white hot animosity nearly drowned you, unused to such a feeling from him. “You just can’t stop yourself from lying, can you?” He came to a halt in front of you, only regarding you once before sending that steely gaze Fury’s way. 

It was met with an empty stare. “I didn’t lie, Agent Romanoff had a different mission than yours.” 

This seemed like a conversation you shouldn’t be a part of- ...or was it? Something had clearly happened on that mission Natasha had asked you to go on. The reason you were even here in the first place. Something bad. But bad enough for Steve to be boiling the way he was?

It rendered you speechless as he spat out, “Which you didn’t feel obliged to share.” 

“I’m not obliged to do anything.” 

Feeling out of place, you finally put a gentle hand on his arm, trying to cull some of that fire. It wouldn’t do anyone good if Steve had a meltdown right now, no matter how much Fury may (and probably did) deserve it. “What happened?” 

To your very good credit, he broke a little, softening up as he looked at you. “Fury just put hostages’ lives at risk by sending Romanoff off the beaten path. Without telling me.” But just as quickly he redirected, looking at Nick. “Those hostages could have died.” 

Standing, placing his hands on his desk, “I sent the greatest soldier in America’s history to make sure that didn’t happen. And if everyone was playing on the same team, she should have been there, too. Why not lay into her, too?” 

As if protecting you, Steve put his arm up in front of you, shielding you from Nick. “This isn’t about her and you know it.” He then promptly pointed a finger Nick’s way. “Soldiers trust each other, that’s what makes it an army. Not a bunch of guys running around shooting guns.” 

“Last time I trusted someone, I lost an eye.” 

Unable to help it, and probably not the best time for it, an exhausted groan escaped you. “Oh please. That’s your excuse for building weapons to nuke space and- whatever the hell this was? Give me a fucking break with the melodramatics, Nick.” 

Steve stepped in line with you. “I can’t lead a mission when the people I’m leading have missions of their own.” 

Nick looked less than impressed. “It’s called compartmentalization.” And then just a touch serious. “Nobody spills the secrets because nobody knows them all.” 

In perfect sync, you and Steve spoke together. “Except you.” You were starting to feed off his vibrant energy, negative though it was. 

You continued, “Right? That’s why you think you know everything? Why you think you know what’s best? Even when there have been so many fuck-ups. Even before we got here. We’ll just never know them all.” 

Steve waved his hand around. “I’m gettin’ real tired of this. This isn’t a team. This is a concerted effort to send people out to get what you want. And nobody else is allowed in on it.” 

Fury remained silent for a long moment. Staring the both of you down somehow. If there was any time to comment on it, you thought you and Steve made quite a pair. Maybe even enough to shake some sense out of Fury. Because, finally, “You’re both wrong about me. I do share. I’m nice like that.” 

Without another word he moved from around his desk and started walking towards the door. When you and Steve stayed in place, watching him, he turned and made a very sharp motion for the both of you to follow. After looking at each other for a brief second, the two of you moved to catch up. It was a short walk, back to the elevator. Fury signaled off, “Insight Bay.” To which the elevator promptly let him know you and Steve didn’t have enough clearance to go see whatever that was. You stepped in closer to Steve, feeling far more comfortable on his side. “Director override. Fury. Nicholas J.” Though perhaps he caught you eyeing the panel on the door- had it said Steve was a level 8?? “Demoted you, for your recent break-in. Cute stuff. Could’ve just asked. I’d like to see you try breaking into a level 10 file.”

 “No you wouldn’t.” Because you were sure, even if not you personally, if you put your team to it, you absolutely could.

 “You know, every time you look in, something else looks back.” It was better to not rise to that bait. So you remained quiet.

As the elevator started on its way down- a long way, you imagined- Steve glanced down at you. “Good to see you. Despite the circumstances.” 

For him you were able to smile. Even in all this mess. “You, too. DC treating you okay?” 

Fury’s ire cut between you. “So nice you two get along like old friends. When can I get in on some of that?” 

Moving again in tandem, the both of you shot a dead look his way. You were the one to start. “I invited you to a party.” 

“In which you rudely ignored me- then ditched me- or, sorry, that was a team effort too, wasn’t it?” 

Pushing a sigh from your lungs, you held your hands back against the bar. “This is going to be the longest elevator ride of my life, I think.” There was a long stretch of quiet, proving you right. So much so that it made it unbearable. So you had to ask, “Chances of a desk job are growing dimmer, aren’t they?” 

Steve arched a brow. “Desk job?” 

Fury scoffed. “She thinks her talents are better suited to filing papers.” 

“That’s not what I was getting at.” Trying your best to be amicable. Even though he didn’t deserve it. It was just hard to think of what to say that wouldn’t make this worse. But that was okay.

Because the descent dropped below ground level, and underneath the building took your breath away. Not in a good way, either. It looked like a massive helicarrier bay- like the one you and the other Avengers had been on, just before the battle of New York. Except these were much bigger. A pit dropped in your stomach, and you turned fully to scan the entire room through those blue-tinted lenses. Knowing full well on the other side of them… 

Steve turned at your side, just as- 

“I like the sound of speechless on you two. Could do with it more often.” Fury was far too amused. As the elevator finally came to a stop and the doors opened, he swept his arm forward. “This is Project Insight.” When he stepped out, so did you and Steve. Almost automatically. Looking every which way that you could as he continued. “Three next generation helicarriers synced to a network of targeting satellites.” 

Steve was the one to find his voice. “Launched from the Lemurian Star.” 

Fury was smiling. “Once we get them in the air, they never need to come down. Continuous suborbital flight, courtesy of our new repulsor engines.” 

This turned your blood to ice. “No. Absolutely not. Tony did not sign off on this-” He would have told you. There was no way- there was no way. 

Just underneath one of the helicarriers, standing in its shadow, Nick came to a stop, putting his hands in his pockets. “He had a few suggestions, once he got an up-close look at our old turbines.” 

Steve scoffed. “You mean the ones he fixed when your systems blew and you had no backups.” 

“You were our backups.” Fury continued as you were letting a storm roll over you. You wanted all the evidence up front before you whipped him. “These new long-range precision guns can eliminate a thousand hostiles a minute. The satellites can read a terrorist’s DNA before he steps outside his spiderhole.” 

You were starting to see red. Or was it purple, with those glasses sitting on your face? “So he made suggestions for a helicarrier and you turned them into- into a- a giant mass murdering weapons system? There’s no way he would have been okay with this. This is inexcusable. The next call to you is from Stark Industries’ patent lawyer-” Tony would have never sanctioned this. Never. 

Nick turned to you, tone curt. “We’re gonna neutralize a lot of threats before they even happen. Despite what you think, this is a good thing.” 

“That’s not the world we live in!” You were getting hot flashbacks of the first time you’d seen Tony in the suit. And they were not good. “You can’t just decide to end lives when it suits you! Who the fuck do you think you are? What if your intel is wrong? What if someone on the wrong side holds the keys? What if-” 

Steve was staring Nick down. “The punishment is supposed to happen after the crime.” 

Shaking his head, “We can’t afford to wait that long.” 

Again, you and Steve spoke together. “Who’s we?” Although you had a feeling you already knew. Because this seemed like a bad call. 

And you remembered who made those on this mountainous level. “If you tell me it’s the same fucking idiots that ordered that nuke on New York City-”

“You’re goddamn right it is.” He turned on you very suddenly, and Steve went tense, leaning closer to your side. You squared up immediately, staring right back at him. “After what happened in New York, I convinced the World Security Council we needed a quantum surge in threat analysis. For once, we’re way ahead of the curve.” 

You weren’t speechless because you had no idea what to say, you were speechless because you were sure you’d never been this angry before. For a moment you imagined just shoving Nick right off the balcony you were standing on. Steve culled this vision by speaking, a little more calmly than you would have been capable of. But dark nonetheless. “By holding a gun to everyone on earth and calling it protection.” 

Nick turned on him next. “You know, I read those SSR files. Greatest generation? You guys did some nasty stuff.” 

Steve turned to meet him. “Yeah. We compromised. Sometimes in ways that made us not sleep so well. But we did it so that people could be free.” Pointing up at one of those helicarriers, “This isn’t freedom. This is fear.” 

“This is outrageous, is what it is.” Unable to help yourself. “This is beyond the pale. If you think we would be even a little bit okay with this, you’re out of your mind.” 

It was your turn next, as Nick laid his eye on you. “You’re one to talk. Backing the world’s largest war profiteer for years without a word. And letting them sell to the opposition when it suited you-”

If your blood was boiling before, it was erupting in volcanic fire now. “How dare you. You know that’s not what happened-” 

“And when Stark decided he was gonna handle all the threats himself, you seemed pretty okay about it then. But now you have a problem?” 

“I don’t have to justify myself to you. Fuck you.” Your private life with Tony was just that. Private. And he wasn’t going to get anything out of you about it. Even if you could have defended yourself. It was none of his business.

You only stopped when Steve put a hand on your shoulder, steadying you. It was then that you realized you were shivering. Fury took a breath. “We are no longer living in a simple time, I think you’d agree with that. We need to look at the bigger picture here. SHIELD takes the world as it is. Not as we’d like it to be. And it’s damn near past time you two get with that program.” 

There was a solid inch of ice between the both of you and Nick. Steve was the first up to bat. “Don’t hold your breath.” 

And you were next. Tearing your badge off your jacket pocket, you dropped it to the floor in a clatter. “I’m done with this. With you. With SHIELD. This is out of line. Even for you. Which is saying a lot.” With a very sharp turn away you gave the final judgment. “I quit. Don’t call me ever again unless the next words out of your mouth are I realized I was wrong and I personally destroyed Project Insight.” 

No chance in hell that’d ever happen. 

With your head held high you let yourself out, still taking pointed glances around the room. Behind you, you heard Fury ask Steve, “What about you, Captain?” 

And you only imagined the dead-eyed look Steve was giving him before you heard his heavy bootsteps quick to catch up, calling your name. “Wait up. I’ll walk with you.” 

You were grateful when he extended your arm, and you linked with his. Just holding yourself steady against him as the two of you entered the elevator. Still quaking. With anger. With fear, too. But mostly just the anger. At least credit where it was due, “You were right. About them.” 

Steve just sighed. “Yeah but. You knew that already.”

“I didn’t know about this.” 

“I know you didn’t.” Softer then. Because he trusted you. If you’d known about this you would have told him. “I’m sorry it happened like this.” 

“I’m not. Fuck Nick Fury and fuck SHIELD. He’s out of his mind. Why show me this? He knows I’m just gonna go back to Tony and do whatever it takes to put a stop to this. He couldn’t possibly think either of us would have reacted positively to this. He’s not that stupid.” 

“So what do you think the point was, then?” Casting a look at you just as the doors opened.

The two of you moved together. Still finding comfort in the feeling of his strong arm in yours. So you stayed in step with him. He was practically the only thing grounding you. “No. No I’m done trying to work out what Fury is up to or why. Didn’t you hear me tell him I quit? That means I don’t have to care about it anymore.” 

“You’re still going to.” A little bit of a tease, you supposed. And as you looked up at him, he was lightly grinning. 

As the two of you stepped outside, you wished you could return it. But it was just impossible. There was too much building up inside you. “Yeah. Maybe. Not that I want to.” Finally, feeling enough of a calm (small though it was), you let go of him. “Happy has the jet ready for me. But, if you have time, we could get lunch.” 

His smile was genuine. “I’d like that. It’d be nice to not think about everything that just went on in there for two minutes.” 

“At least half an hour.” Finding the strength finally to smile back at him. “And thanks. For everything you just did.” Waving you signaled Happy who was standing by the car up the block. 

Steve looked puzzled. “What I did?” 

“Standing by my side. Literally. I know you feel the same way, so it wasn’t just for my favor or anything but… it means a lot. To have you on my team.” 

He seemed to warm in that instant. “Yeah. I know what you mean. And just for the record, I’m always on your team.” 

As the two of you got into the backseat of the car, you gave the building one last look of disdain. Little did you know, regardless of your resignation, it would be the last time you worked with SHIELD. Permanently.

 “Your new suit is nice. Less USO show and more...”

 “Capable?” His head dropped with a light- almost bashful smile. “Yeah. I like it, too. At least they got one thing right.”

 You found yourself tired very suddenly, smiling much the same at him, but radiating a sincere warmth when he looked at you again. “More than one.” At the very least, glad to have him. Glad to have met him. Glad he was there with you.

[killthebxy]

i have so many mixed feelings about the season finale.

so.

many.

mixed.

feelings.

and i don’t really know where to start... so i think i’ll start at the end. and i’ll start by making a separation in my analysis.

1. if we look at s08 ep6 on its own

          i’ve been writing Jon Snow since January 24th, 2017. s07 happened during April-May 2017, if i remember well? which means, some of you who’ve been with me from the start of my blog have watched me watching s07; have watched my reactions and my opinions and my rants. ever since then, i have been very open and very vocal about how much i loathed the idea of Jon as the rightful heir to the Iron Throne, and Jon eventually sitting this throne as king --- those of you who’ve followed me for less time also likely know this very well, because gods know i never shut up about it. so, considering the finale that Jon had... someone might tell me: you must be very happy! and, well... i am very happy. i was not made to see Jon sitting the throne. i was not made to see everyone call him Agony and hail him and glorify him. i got to see him wearing his black cloak again and returned to where he belongs --- away from thrones and kings and queens, away from the ungrateful northern lords, making peace with the free folk. hell, i even got to see him hugging Ghost, imagine. who would have thought, Jon Snow loves his soulmate more than his own life. sarcasm aside... yesterday, i told a couple of you that i had two final, very little requests of ep6: i wanted to see Jon crying (because i had read the leaks, and thus i knew what to expect) and i wanted to see those beautiful curls freed from the bun. and i got this. i got to see, FINALLY, after weeks, Jon Snow and not Agony Targaryen. loyal to the end, struggling with the cruel decision he had to make, quoting master Aemon, accepting his fate, doing his duty no matter the cost --- as he once did with Ygritte. if we look at this episode only, i got everything i ever hoped for, and for this i am grateful. and yet...

2. we cannot look at s08 ep6 on its own

          and this is where it all begins and ends. because ep6 does not exist on its own. does not exist in a void. nothing of what happened came out of spontaneous generation. Dany wasn’t suddenly the mad queen. Tyrion wasn’t suddenly clever again. Grey Worm wasn’t suddenly thirsty for blood and revenge. Jon Snow wasn’t suddenly Jon Snow and not Agony Targaryen. and this is why everything in this season is irredeemable to me, no matter how much i loved Jon’s finale if we look at it objectively and pragmatically.

          do you know why i love George’s writing so much? it’s not for the prose --- very honestly, 90% of the persons i roleplay with write better than him. it’s not completely for the storyline, either, though it is amazing --- very honestly, some of the book chapters are boring and long and fillers and with descriptions and details that no one cares about. i love George’s writing, however, for his absolutely brilliant talent to manage such a vast universe. he’s got so many major characters, thrice as many minor characters, even more characters that only appear at the end of the books, listed as part of the great houses and such. the experience of reading A Song of Ice and Fire, and least for me, was that --- you get to a point you lose track of what’s going on, exactly because there is SO MUCH going on. so many characters, so many stories, so many destinies. and i remember myself often asking: how the hell will some of this make sense in the end, this is huge and so complex. and then... then you get to A Dance with Dragons... and, fuck, it does make sense. ALL of it starts tying together. all the details, all the little plot twists, all the symbolism, all the foreshadowing --- it all comes around and ties together, it all makes sense. all these many, many parts come together in a whole --- and this is why i praise George so much. this is why i admire his writing so much. because, even if i am upset with some choices, it all makes sense. it all is fluid, coherent, so pleasing to read and to follow and so goddamn captivating.

          and then you look at s07 and especially s08... and you find nothing of this. where George does kill a lot of characters, he keeps the bulk of them and considers all of them --- and D&D simply kill them all off for not having any better use for them. where George writes intricate, complex, layered characters and 99% of them are purely made of grey areas and grey morals and so very few are completely good or completely evil --- and D&D turned them completely flat, shallow, predictable, cliché, borderline boring if not downright so. where George named this the world of ice and fire and makes it so that the big, overarching theme is flawed, very different humans trying to gather together to survive the common, legendary foe --- D&D were done with the Long Night in like 40 minutes, and the only thing dark about it was the terrible lighting that makes iconing ep3 a nightmare. and i could go on, but i think i’ve made my point. D&D haven’t the 10th of George’s talent --- and, hey, i can accept this. -i- don’t have the 10th of George’s talent for sure, and very few people in this world have the 10th of George’s talent when it comes to tying together such a huge, deep, complex plot. and i can live with this. i could live with predictable, cliché writing in s07, and still be able to enjoy it at least half the time. i wasn’t happy, but i was content.

          but s08? well. s08, the way i see it, was simply two things: 1) D&D trying to be George and trying to go for plot twists and trying to make a bittersweet ending of some sort... and then 2) D&D realizing they are as far from George as the Earth is from Pluto, and going fuck it we’ll resolve everything based on shock value. and i wish i was joking or exaggerating or being sarcastic --- but they have stated this themselves and are proud of it, apparently. you only have to google it and you’ll easily find it. these two gentlemen looked at, say, Daenerys, and asked themselves: we want her to be the mad queen in the end, what can we do to lead to this outcome? and they did it. it’s as simple and as linear as this. and literally everything and everyone, logic and common sense included, gets thrown under the rubble for the sake of making this happen. and this is why i have zero respect and zero credits for them, at the end of all things, even if i did love Jon’s finale when i look at it isolated from everything else.

because.

          yes, Jon Snow, the honorable man with a good, kind, merciful heart who does whatever needs to be done for the sake of his people, no matter the toll it takes on himself. check, this is the Jon i know and love. Jon Snow, not a glorified savior who succeeds where everyone else fails, not Azor Ahai reborn, but a tool, an instrument used to bring salvation --- Lightbringer itself. check, this is the Jon i know and love. Jon Snow, who was never destined for a happy ending, carrying the guilt and suffering the consequences of his decisions. check, this is the Jon i know and love. but what happened before this? what about everything that led him to this? 

          book!Jon and show!Jon were always different, this isn’t a new thing. even during seasons 1-5, where the show followed the book canon for the most part (at least in Jon’s case), they were already different. show!Jon has a lot more personal agency, in that he chooses to do a lot of the things he does --- while book!Jon tends to get sucked into the whole ordeal, and he tries to navigate it as well as he can. for an example: show!Jon offered himself to go with Qhorin Halfhand, book!Jon was chosen by Qhorin and caught by surprise and even lord commander Mormont was like ????. another example: show!Jon sends Grenn to hold the gate against Mag the Mighty and brings on himself the responsibility of commanding the Wall during the attack, book!Jon gets command imposed on him by Donal Noye and then again in the morning by master Aemon. again, i could go on and on, but i have made my point. regarding all this, while i do prefer book!Jon, i never hated show!Jon. some parts, even, like the battle at Hardhome, i honestly loved and i wish i could get that POV in the books.

          now, s06... post-revival. this is where the books-show rift happens for good, as they ran out of source material. very sincerely, i did not watch s06 as a whole --- i only watched Jon’s scenes. so if you ask me what was going on otherwise, i don’t know and i don’t really regret this choice. s06 Jon is a sort of limbo for me, because i cannot say if his portrayal was good or bad. clearly, this is when he starts making stupid decisions and being far more reckless, but... as mentioned, this is post-revival. this is a man who was stabbed in the heart by his own sworn brothers, who got wrenched back out of the grave, who immediately got told: hey you gotta keep fighting and you gotta start by going and reclaiming Winterfell and saving your little brother. given this context, can i judge him for not being himself? i can’t and i never did, which is why i accepted s06 (again, re: Jon Snow only) for what it was. and i was content with it, even if the revelation of his parentage for show!canon did not impress me.

          s07. this coincided with the birth and infancy of my blog, and honestly i was so excited to get to share this experience with everyone --- and this much was absolutely amazing. i was writing my Master’s thesis back then and i had a lot more free time, so i was able to stay up late and watch it live... and, boy, was that a ride. i had so much fun back then, and all of it thanks to my beautiful followers and friends who were there to live through this with me. but as far as the season itself went... yeah, that was the beginning of the end. because, unlike s06, Jon didn’t have excuses anymore to be stupid and reckless. and yet he still was. he still just grabbed a bunch of sturdy men and ventured into the fucking Frostfangs in the middle of winter without even bringing 1 (one) horse, just to name the most blatant of stupid examples. and the whole glorified superhero savior vibe? my good beans, i wrote a meta with 4000+ words to justify why that frozen lake scene was total bullshit and why Jon did die his second death there --- exactly out of spite for how much i hated it. how much i hated that D&D were turning the boy i love into a commercial protagonist who does the impossible and suffers no consequences and gets to have everyone else’s portrayal tossed under the wreck for the sake of glorifying him further. Rickon was already a plot device, Benjen Stark was a plot device, and i had the sinking feeling it would not stop there. s07 had bad and lazy writing, was terribly rushed and with very little character development, was pointing towards a very obvious and very cliché ending: Jon & Dany, the power couple, sitting the throne, having a baby, living happily ever after.

          and today... today i ask myself: how can you fuck up a plot so much, to the point where i wish i was made to see this cliché, predictable ending instead? i spent a year and a half whining about how much i did not want to see Jon sitting the throne... only to now look at the finale and be like --- sweet summer child, what did you know of fear. because, hey, yes, Jon was reborn from his ashes and Agony was cast aside and he got exactly the endgame i prayed for --- but at what cost? to get here, i had to see ALL the northern lords and half his family spitting on him for his decision to bend the knee. to get here, i had to see him literally say: it’s true, my name is Aegon Targayen. to get here, i had to see him avoiding Dany and not having the balls to talk to her about it until the very last moment. i had to see him plan the defenses of Winterfell like a complete stupid idiot who has no clue what he is doing. i had to see him forgetting Ghost is his soulmate. i was even deprived of the thing i love more in Kit’s acting, which is fighting on the ground --- for the sake of an epic dragon battle, yes, but that by rights he should not have survived. i was denied a one-on-one battle with the Night King, no matter who’d win and no matter who’d get to destroy the NK in the end. i got an epic moment of him roaring back at an undead dragon, yes, but what came in the next episodes got me to the point of headcanoning that he died during that moment. i had to see him not even mourn Edd’s death and going for Lyanna Mormont gods know why, who openly questioned and defied him. i had to see him being the by-the-book definition of a douchebag who sits drinking with friends and completely ignoring his girl who’d just lost one of her closest loved ones and was so clearly dissociating throughout that entire feast. i had to see him being described as so stupid that he obviously bent the knee for love and Dany was going to play him like a fiddle. i had to see him practically being made to choose between his family and the girl he loves. I HAD TO SEE HIM ABANDONING GHOST. i had to see him, again, pull away from Dany when she needed him most --- and, yes, in show!canon it is incest and all that, but you don’t have to fuck or kiss the girl you love to be there for her. i was denied, again, 1 (one) decent fighting scene on the ground because all he did at KL was to cut down a few soldiers with a few basic slashes.

          and, very frankly, what bothers and disgusts me the most out of all of this hellhole... i had to see character after character ruined, completely ruined in their essence, for the sake of stating: hey Jon Snow is a good guy! Rhaegal, who had to be butchered for the sake of triggering Dany and also because Dany and Jon and Tyrion were too stupid to remember Euron’s fleet still existed.  Missandei, who had to be butchered in chains for the sake of triggering Dany. Grey Worm, who had to be metaphorically butchered and turned into a blood-thirsty savage longing for blind revenge for the sake of Agony Targaryen, our lord and savior, being the merciful savior who claims pity for unarmed men. the women of King’s Landing, who had to be raped by northern soldiers, again for the sake of Agony being the good guy who saves one of them. and at the end of the day... Daenerys Targaryen. the little girl who wanted to go home and return to her house with a red door. who was exiled and sold and raped and harassed and humiliated and abused and betrayed and used and objectified. who made terrible choices more than once, yes and i erase none of them, but who made them with a good intention and who paid the price of said choices --- like Jon himself did, like we all, flawed human beings, do. the strong, willful, kind woman who heard Jon’s plea for help and went to save him and his men beyond the Wall and who lost one of her children for it. the queen who wanted to break the wheel and to make this world a better place. the breaker of shackles. Mhysa. she, who was never her father. reduced to this, for the sake of making Jon Snow the good honorable man who does his duty even at expense of his own interest and his own happiness.

          dear Mr. Daniel B. Weiss and dear Mr. David Benioff: do you know since when Jon Snow is a good honorable man who does his duty even at expense of his own interest and his own happiness? since always. since 283 AC. since far, far before you got your incompetent, untalented hands on him. and he never needed to be shown as one --- he was one. without the need to sacrifice 90% of the plot and the characters to make him seem so. he IS so. and this is why i’ll never forgive you, even if you did give me exactly the finale i wanted. because what you did to him, in order to bring him here? honestly, you deserve no redemption. ever. and if there is one thing that makes me extremely, utterly, earnestly happy today, it is that never again you will touch him. Jon Snow belongs to George, and he belongs to me, and he belongs to every beautiful talented roleplayer who writes him, and he belongs to every beautiful talented roleplayer who writes muses who interact with him. never to you, again. and for this i thank the old gods of the forest. today, Jon Snow is finally at rest. and, as of today, i can finally stop writing out of spite --- and return to writing because i love this boy.

[but-tom]

Iron Man Dildo

Warning: Smut. But I don’t even get to the good stuff lol. Self indulgent. Don’t bother reading.

It all started out when MJ was browsing through Amazon because “American history is pointless when it’s passed down in the white people’s narrative.” Ned and Peter know not to argue (after learning it the hard way) and get promptly started on their group assignment.

“Parker, As you know, I’m not usually one to pry on other people’s sexual relations because yuck.” MJ deadpans. “But for product verification, how big is Iron Man?”

Ned chokes on his noodles.

Peter blinks, “Well his profile lists him as 6 foot,” He adds uselessly, “Not that I googled him...much.”

His curly haired friend throws him a wtf kind of expression in pure MJ fashion. And Peter immediately concludes he probably has said something dumb. Again.

“Dude I think she meant his penis size.” Ned has clearly recovered from his fit.

Peter sputters, “How - how would I know?” But his cheeks are already burning.

MJ tuts, “We already know you guys are together and if the hickeys you were sporting Monday say anything, you’re obviously the one to ask.”

“Hey! You told me you were bitten by mosquitoes.” Ned turns accusingly to his best friend.

MJ shakes her head in defeat. “Idiots. I’m surrounded by idiots.”

If it was possible, Peter was only turning redder. He never had secrets anymore from Ned and MJ. They were the first and only people in his life who knew about both his Spiderman identity and his relationship of six months with Tony. But talking about sex and stuff was just weird and awkward. It rarely ever had to come up in conversation when MJ hated 99% of the human population and Ned was married to his sets of Star Wars legos. “I really don’t want to talk about this. I don’t even know why you want to know this MJ. Can we go back to the paper please.”

“Don’t be such a prude Parker.” MJ quips. “It says life sized but it’s Amazon you can’t trust shit.” She then turns her laptop around to show Peter the screen.

“What - what is that?!”

Peter’s eyes are immediately drawn to the signature red and gold colours and the glowing arc reactor, but it’s definitely not in the form of the Iron Man suit he knows and loves.

“No way! An Iron Man dildo? That is freaking awesome. Wait does it shoot out stuff like the original suit?” Ned is way too excited about this for Peter to be comfortable.

“Wouldn’t that be a safety hazard?” And as always MJ is way too calm.

Peter slams the laptop close with a bit too much force as apparent in the indignant, “You dipshit!” from MJ. But he can’t help but feel the need to protect his boyfriend’s virtue. Although Tony himself would have grinned fondly at his young lover’s antics.

“Why would anyone sell this? Why would someone buy this? Do you think Tony knows about this?” Peter panics.

“If people are buying Avengers flavoured ice cream, which is false advertising by the way, and an Avengers waffle maker, why not a dildo that actually guarantees satisfaction.”

“Unlike an actual man.” Ned finishes for her. Ned and MJ share a fist bump.

Sometimes Peter hates his friends. “I hate you guys.”

“Even though I spent $80 on you? Plus $7 shipping fees? You ungrateful hoe,” MJ huffs, stealing back her laptop.

“YOU BOUGHT IT?!” Peter and Ned shriek.

“This is your Christmas present by the way.”

——————————————————————————————————

Peter stares down at the small package in front of him, conflicted. He had made a big fuss to MJ and Ned that afternoon about returning the godforsaken thing immediately. But now that he actually has it in his hands, Peter feels the familiar dread of curiosity and something else creep up on him. And Spiderman has never been one to win over his own curiosity. His boyfriend can begrudgingly attest to this.

With shaking hands he unwraps the package. He reveals the prize and it’s smaller than he expected. Slim. Definitely smaller. But it’s long and he can wrap both his fists along the length of it with room to spare. And Peter’s face heats up from the memory this gesture provokes.

He notices the package comes with a small container of lube. Considerate.

There’s no use pretending he’s not going to go through with it. It’s all he’s been thinking about the past three days, alone in his twin bed. On the last day he’d even reached the point of resenting MJ for not choosing express shipping.

It was pure coincidence that Tony was on a business trip for a conference in Dubai for a week. It was the first time since they’ve been together that Tony has been away for so long. And Tony has spoiled his boy, from make out sessions in the backseat of his Bentley to bending him over his desk at Stark Industries overlooking the view of Manhattan.

So Peter, between his teenage hormones and missing his boyfriend, is deprived. He can’t resist this opportunity in the form of a sleek, red and gold promise. He’s never had anything but Tony’s everything up his ass. And there’s nothing like an Iron Man dildo to add to the list.

Peter dips two fingers in the lube, and immediately it drips and soaks his pajamas. He curses softly and quickly undresses himself. When he’s in nothing but Tony’s too big Pink Floyd t-shirt, Peter finally slips one tentative finger in his hole. He’s never really gotten used to fingering himself. Tony had always taken all his sweet time to make sure his young lover was opened up and stretched for him. And Peter never had any complaints about that.

Panting as he adds a second finger, Peter is grateful for the excess amount of lube he’d added. He can hear Tony in his head. “Always so tight for me darling.”

He’s scissoring his fingers but they’re smaller than what he’s used to and just not enough. He clumsily reaches for the dildo and briefly he is comforted by it’s smaller girth because he’s definitely not prepped enough.

When the cool head of the dildo touches his rim, Peter shudders because the temperature is different. It’s also a shock to his dialed up senses. It only makes him want more so he forces himself to relax as he pushes the silicone in slowly. “Oh.”

And from then on, he’s a moaning mess on the bed because the solid head of the dildo is nudging perfectly against his prostate. When he finally has the mind to actually use the remote to turn it on, the vibrations rattle his insides. He shrieks, “No, no, no too much.” But his hands make no move towards the remote tossed carelessly on the bed, clutching at his sheets instead.

Peter can only imagine what he must look like on the bed. His curls sticking to his forehead, the tears leaking from the corner of his half hooded eyes, and lips swollen from his biting. In his pleasured daze, the boy wonders how Tony would react to this sight. Wearing his T-shirt and using Iron Man’s dildo up his ass to bring him to orgasm.

“Tony, oh my god. Tony, tony.” Peter’s sobbing now. He’s so close. His hands creep towards his cock because he knows he needs the touch to get himself there.

Then the vibrations stop.

Peter groans. Stupid Amazon -. But he doesn’t get to finish the thought because there’s a sudden weight on top of him and a hand on his cock that’s definitely not his own. “As much as I enjoyed the show, I don’t think I can just watch anymore.”

Against the solid weight of his boyfriend and the cool fabric of his silk suit against his bare skin, Peter gasps, “Tony!”

He was going to die of embarrassment. How much had he seen? When did he even get here? Why was here? But the thoughts flew out the window as the hand on his cock picked up pace. The calloused hands showed no mercy as a thumb brushed his tip to smear the precum around the head. It was completely unnecessary and absolutely delightful because he was leaking. There wasn’t a dry spot below his waist. “Tony, please. I can’t. Please.”

Tony ignores him. “You know.” He drawls. “I was up in my hotel room in Dubai after a three hour conference, wanting to Face Time my beautiful boyfriend. But when he doesn’t answer after three calls, I get worried and naturally I ask FRIDAY to contact Karen to activate surveillance in your room.” For the first time today Tony meets Peter’s eyes. His eyes are dark and heated. But he continues nonchalantly. “Installed for your safety of course. But this is the last thing I expected to see.”

Peter’s breath hitches. He’s not even mad,  if only in the sense he needs to come right now or else.

Tony is closer now, lips to his ears, he whispers lowly. “I flew almost 11,000 kilometres because I couldn’t help but be jealous. But only after I watched the full footage of course.”

Peter tugs the collar of Tony’s freshly pressed dress shirt and meets his lips in a hungry kiss. It’s teeth and too much tongue. But Tony meets his fire with his own. More, more, he needs more. The dildo is still pressed to his prostate and he was so, so close to coming. He feels half mad with desire.

Tony’s large hands skim the sensitive parts of his body, making a clear path to his ass. Peter moans into his mouth when he finally cups his ass with both hands. He is thrumming with anticipation as one of Tony’s hands wander down to touch the end of the dildo still in his ass. But Tony is a tease and he pulls back, grinning. “So an Iron Man dildo? Once a fan, always a fan.”

Peter makes a sound in protest and retaliates. “Well they were out of Captain America products.”

He squeaks when Tony suddenly pushes the dildo in his ass even deeper. It doesn’t hurt but it’s too much. “You’re going to pay for that.” Tony’s eyes narrow but it’s the promising heat behind them that makes Peter whimper.

“Promise daddy?”

[durianriderofficial]

You say you have coached 100s of people over the years, but how come you have never shown us any of these people?? Coaching is totally different than making youtube videos for people to watch or making an ebook for people to buy, you make it sound like you've done one on one coaching with heaps of people yet no one has ever seen or heard about these people. You film your life so if you were coaching all these people that you claim to have why haven't we seen or heard about them?!

Not sure if you are new to my cult or if you are just trolling.

Lets assume you are new.

Ive not coached 100′s. It would be 1000′s! Since 1996 when I first helped my mate Nicole get into incredible shape to today where I have my personal coaching group where 100′s ofpeople from all over the world ask me direct questions or just sit and read the answers. I havent even really advertised that group either. (I dont want it to get too big too quick in case the format isnt sustainable).Some people live with me for a year or 9. Some just stay a week or a month. Some I just meet a few times a week at sunrise for TT’s. Some I never meet but Im on call for any problem they have or any question they need answered.You say ‘nobody has ever seen or heard of these people’. That is a valid point because I dont really advertise it how many people I have influenced all over the world in my last 4-600 videos I reckon. Maybe scroll back more where I used to have more crew in my vids. Or just go on youtube and if you see a channel promoting high carb vegan then you can be 99% sure they were inspired by me or coached up by me.

If you see someone winning a running race in 2019 wearing a vegan shirt or smashing it hard on Strava you know they are using the DR template - sleep, water, sugar, pacing, early nights, zero carb restriction minimum stims etc.

I could spend the next few hours writing down names of real people and sharing their stories but just go back thru some of my vids and you will see that if you really want to know. I meet people everyday on the street who come up and tell me stuff like ‘thanks for all you do Harley! Fuck the haters, keep doing you man!’

Gimme ANYONE and I can turn them into the best version of themselves. I can guarantee that because Ive done it over and over and over before. Whether or not they want to keep that momentum up forever is up to them but Ive helped so many 1000′s of crew flip their lives for the better that I have quite an arrogant level of confidence because of it.

I don’t even know who you are but I do know if I coached you hardcore I could turn you into something you never thought you could be. I get bored quick though. As soon as I feel someone slacking or ungrateful I look for a new project. The time to let someone go as a coach is when they hit ‘cruise control’ because that means they don’t want to go any further or faster and even if they pretend they do, it is just that they are interested, they are not actually committed. You are just wasting your time and their time by wanting the results more for them than they want it themselves.

My biggest strength is spotting potential in others that they can’t see or nobody else could see or knew how to unleash. My biggest weakness has been wasting time on people who don’t deserve it when I could be investing that time into those who do.

Some people just want to drop 3kg and decrease their insulin resistance. Great I can do that.

Some people want to become global influencers and never have to work a normal job every again. Great I can do that.

Some people just want to find a vegan bf or gf. Great I can do that.

If you want more help join my coaching group people. https://durianrider.com/products/unlimited-direct-coaching-from-durianrider-read-the-description-text

[maxattack-powell]

The Freshman: 2-1

Book 2 - 1 Chapter 1: Winter in Hartfeld

Masterlist - go here for other chapters and related original fics

Disclaimer: The following are fics (adaptations from actual game chapters AND original works) to Choices: The Freshman and The Sophomore stories. It is a fictional adaptation. I (we) do not work for Pixelberry Studios, the game developer or own the rights to the characters Chris Powell, Nicole or any other IN GAME character. All of the ORIGINAL characters, storylines and events were developed for my adaptation of The Freshman story.

Comments: I enjoyed playing Choices The Freshman… and then I found this awesome group of people and their works - I’ve loved it all, very much so. Deciding that I wanted more interaction than the options allowed, I’ve gone through the first book, chapter by chapter (omg painfully slow) to follow the story (95-99% I’d say) and add to it as I felt would benefit. Now I am doing the same to Book 2 as well.

Basically, I wanted to include certain things that weren’t really full fic worthy, adding more substance to the story. However, I did add some full size fic moments also… some are included in cannon chapters and some are their own full chapters in between. I wanted to see MC and Chris through their freshman year… with more angst, fluff, sweetness, real life and overall detail. So, if you like that pairing then you’ll be satisfied, otherwise sorry James & Kaitlyn fans lol. I even added some parts from Chris’s POV, so that we have a chance to see what he’s thinking, knowing what she experienced.

NSFW moments in future chapters - Mature Readers Only Please

Paring: MC x Chris

POV: ~MC~ or ~Chris~

~MC~

Morning finally comes for the last day of Winter Break. MC is sad, but also beyond excited to get back to Hartfeld. She’s missed her family and friends while at school, but now what she misses more than anything is a single person. The thought baffles her mind, but she accepts it with a warm embrace as it just feels right.

Early yesterday, she told her mom that she wants to get to Hartfeld bright and early, which was slightly different than the original plan. That mornings text from Chris might have had something to do with it, seeing how just thinking about the text makes her stomach flip. MC assumes her mom knows why, but she doesn't care. She just wants to get there, to see her friends, and to see Chris. The only thing she wishes she could change would be to bring Max. Leaving him gets harder every time.

Her bags were packed and ready before she went to sleep the night before, so when the alarm went off this morning she was easily jumping out of bed and getting dressed within minutes. She did take a moment to send a ‘Good Morning, handsome’ text to Chris, beating him to the punch, a rare win for her over the Winter Break.

Even With all of her preparations, her mother moves slowly around the house, as if she had nowhere to go all day. MC was trying not to become furious with her, but her mother knows she wants to get back to Hartfeld. She internally grumbles about losing her truck to her dad. He had to sell his car after he lost his job, and since she wasn't using her truck during first quarter, he commandeered it. Now she was actually without wheels, something she hoping to have soon at Hartfeld. She wasn't going to give up though, she would find a way.

After a few minutes of following her mother around pointlessly, MC drops to the sofa with a huff. That's when she notices a message from Chris.

‘Morning, beautiful. Decided to sleep in huh?’ She can see the smirk on his face when he typed it. She quickly checks the time and sees that it's only just now about 9 a.m. She frowns and wonders what he means. Then it hits her. He's been on the road for hours at this point, how could she forget. He had asked her last night when she was going to leave in the morning, and now she knows why - he left in time to meet her at Hartfeld.

The crease in her brow deepens when she counts back the hours to guess at his departure time. She frowns and sends him a message. ‘You better not be texting while driving. And OMG, what time did you leave?!’

She quickly shakes her head and sends another. ‘Don't answer that. Don't text while driving. Dont read this!’

MC smacks her palm to her forehead lightly and rubs down her face when she realizes what she just did. Clearly, she’s not thinking straight. Maybe she didn't get enough sleep, or maybe she's distracted. Suddenly her phone rings, making her about jump out of her skin. She quickly lifts it to see who it is and grins when she sees Chris’s picture.

She jumps up from the sofa and bolts to her room, narrowly missing her mother as they pass in the hall. She blindly kicks her door shut with her foot as she answers the call. “You better not be driving Christopher Powell.”

She hears him laugh lightly on the other side. “I wouldn't dream of it. I promised… a long time ago. Do I need to prove it?”

MC shakes her head even though he can't see it. “No. I trust you.”

“Good. Now, what are all these texts about… you made me pull over. I have a hot date to keep.” She can hear the grin as he says the last sentence.

“What time did you leave this morning?! You should have taken your time… it's such a long drive.”

“Nah, I’ve got good coffee and let's just say I’m highly motivated to start the new quarter…”

She laughs. “Oh yeah? And why is that exactly…”

“I’ll let you assume what you will.” He laughs but gets quiet when he hears Max bark. “Are you… are you still at home?”

She sighs. “YES. My mother won’t hurry up… I’ve been ready to leave since last night.” She grumbles.

Chris laughs. “Well, that's alright. Gives me time to get settled and ready for you when you get there.”

“Ready for me, huh?” MC lowers her voice, teasing Chris.

He doesn't miss it, letting a frustrating sigh out over the phone. “MC…”

“Whaaaat…” She asks innocently.

He doesnt fall for it. “Okay, thats enough from you. I’m going to get moving again. Message me when you get close. I’ll be there in less than a minute, kay?”

She smiles, knowing he speaks the truth. “Alright… See you soon, captain.”

"I cant wait, baby… you guys drive safe.”

“You too, please.”

They hang up and MC immediately feels relieved. Even though she wanted to leave at least an hour ago, she knows it won't be long before she gets to see Chris again. She lays there for a minute before her door flies open suddenly, her mom leaning against the frame dramatically.

“I'm late, I'm late. For a very important date. No time to say ‘Hello, Goodbye’. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late!” Her mother sings, ending with a chuckle as MC throws a pillow at her head. “So ungrateful... “ She scoffs as she turns and disappears down the hall, her voice fading as she yells back. “Well, are we leaving today or what…”

MC doesn't hesitate as she jumps off her bed and runs down the hall to catch up. The drive back was pleasant, the pair discussing school, movies and books as well as other interests they share to pass the time. It makes the time fly, and MC is grateful for it. She enjoys talking with her mom, but she dearly wants to get back.

It's the first official day of winter quarter at Hartefeld. MC’s mom parks her blue SUV in one of the campus parking lots and gets out to help her with the luggage. “Brrrr! It's so cold here! Good thing I took you shopping for winter clothes, huh? Told you you’d need them.”

MC closes the passenger door and heads towards the back to meet her mom. She’s dressed in a soft grey sweater, fluffy black scarf and a dark green army style jacket with a fuzzy hood. She has knee high brown leather boots on top of her skinny jeans, helping her stay warm. Her hair's a little longer than before the break, but not enough to consider a cut quiet yet, otherwise she looks exactly the same.

As her mom opens the back hatch, MC pulls out her duffle bag and drops it on the ground, giving her mom a goofy grin. “Yup, I’m eternally grateful, Mom. And it’s not like I didn't need them at home. It’s just about as cold at our house.”

Her mom closes the door and sighs as she brushes her hands off on her pants. “Yes, I believe you are correct. I probably just miss some of the places we lived before. We had so many warmer options in the past. The were much more agreeable than our home now during the winter.” She sighs and shakes her head. “So… are you glad to be back?” MC can see the mixed happiness and sadness in her mom's eyes.

She gives her a big smile. “Of course! Partying all day, every day.” She holds her smile, trying to appear completely serious.

Her mother's mouth falls open. “Is that all you've been doing?”

MC keeps a straight face, her smile unwavering. “Well, that and petty crimes. I’m trying to stay well-rounded. It's always good to diversify you know.”

Her mother snorts at her. “Very funny. Just make sure you take full advantage of your time here, okay? These are important years.” She reaches for MC to give her a friendly pinch, but she dodges just in time, laughing at her mom.

MC sighs when she jumps far enough away, rolling her eyes. “I know, mother…”

She turns and looks around the snow-covered campus, shielding her eyes against the reflected winter sunlight on the snow. When she turns back to her mother, she receives a knowing smile.

“Let me guess… looking for that special someone?” She laughs softly.

MC shakes her head at her mother, suddenly regretting telling her more about Chris over the break. A huge grin splits her face as she looks down at her duffle. “Maybe…”

“So, is it, you know… official? I know you young people ‘don't do labels,’ but you did go to formal together. And then you guys took those two trips together, right?” Her mother prods. “I’d say that's pretty official.”

MC gives her mom a look, hoping she will drop it, as she and Chris have yet to have that type of talk. Sure they had spent hours, almost daily, talking and texting, sending snapchats and facetiming… for weeks during winter break. Not to mention their time spent together… first to California and then to the National Championship, both thanks to a Hartfeld alumni.

Her thoughts pause for a moment as details from both trips flash through her mind, her neck starting to flush towards her cheeks. There was never a good time to bring it up, at least not from her point of view so far. And even though Chris had said what he did the night before the championship, she wasn't sure if he was ready to lock down and label the thing.

“Well, if your trip to L.A. or to the championship game together is any indication, I’d say you mean a lot to him.” She flashes MC an honest smile. “Might be time to get official, MC.” She gives her daughter a playful bump, shoulder to shoulder.

Just then MC spots Chris approaching through the snow. He was right. It only took him about a minute to get there after she sent the last text. He waves at her, a big cheesy smile on his face. She immediately feels warm as his eyes roam over her body and search her face. She has been beyond excited to see him, in the flesh, again. But she had no idea it would affect her physically like this.

Her heart starts beating faster and her palms begin to sweat, even in the cool crisp air. None of it changes her smile though as it continues to grow with every step he takes towards her. She watches his chest flex under his henley, smirking to herself as she just knew he would wear it today. Chris knows how much she loves it on him, so his wearing it now is very intentional.

Her mom steps next to her and does not hide the fact that she's staring. “Wow, the pictures you showed me did not do him justice…”

MC quickly tears her eyes from Chris and glares wide eyed at her mother. “Mom! Just…be cool!”

Her mother’s eyes go wide and she covers her mouth. “Sorry!”

Chris jogs over and sweeps MC up in a big hug. She wraps her arms around his neck as he spins her around, staring into her eyes the whole time. He appears to be completely unaware of the audience next to him, having eyes only for MC since he spotted her from across the field.

MC laughs and squeezes her arms around his neck. “Whoa! Down, boy!”

Chris chuckles and gently lowers her to the ground, keeping his arms wrapped tightly around her. “Sorry… just happy to see you.” His 6’3” frame folds around her slightly shorter one, only slightly having to lower his head to make contact with her forehead as he stares into her eyes.

He loosens his grip on her, turning to face her mom, finally noticing her presence next to them. He holds out his hand and gives her a friendly smile. “Hi, you must be MC’s mom. I’m Chris.”

MC watches as her mother gushes over her… ‘Well, you can't call him your boyfriend, MC…’ she suddenly thinks to herself. She sees her mother's face become giddy as she shakes his hand.

“So handsome! And a strong grip, too…” She smirks.

MC’s face flushes. “Mom, what did I just say?! You're gonna creep the poor guy out…”

Chris turns his head to face her and tilts to the side, clearly amused. “Heh, no harm done. I certainly don't mind being called handsome.” His eyebrows pop once to show his amusement.

“I’m starting to see why MC never shut up about you the whole time she was home…” Her mom continues, causing MC’s face to flush an even deeper red as she snaps her eyes over to glare at her.

Chris turns his gaze away from her mother and back towards MC’s blushing face. “Really?” His smile expands like a sponge in water.

“I wouldn't mind hearing what she had to say, exactly…” MC watches as his mischievous eyes sink to her lips momentarily before they pop back up to hers.

MC sucks in a deep breath and grinds her teeth, quickly whipping her head towards her mother. “Agghh, stop! This meet-and-greet is officially over. Goodbye, mom.”

She starts pushing her mother towards her SUV, eager to split the two up.

“All right, I’ll leave you two alone. It was nice to finally meet you, Chris.” She waves at him as she opens her car door. “MC, make sure to call home at least once, okay?”

MC forces a huge smile and quickly responds. “I’ll do my best. Bye!”

Her mom waves one more time before getting into the SUV. “Bye, sweetheart.”

She turns to Chris and watches him flash her a cocky grin as he shoulders her duffel bag.

“C’mon, let’s get you back to the suite. Everyone’s been dying to see you.” He wraps his free arm around her shoulder, pulling her close.

“Aww… I think I need some alone time with you first…” She lifts her hand up to his chest and runs it up around his neck. She can feel him softly groan at the contact.

It has only been four days since she last saw Chris, then another three weeks before that. Well, in person anyway. They had communicated daily since they last saw each other at the dorm the day after they returned from California. She remembers how much he hated doing that, leaving her alone to wait for her ride while he began his long journey home. She made him do it though, not wanting him to get tired or have issues on the trip back. So she forced him to leave. She never let him know at the time, but she hated that part too.

He pulls her closer, nuzzling next to her ear. “I was thinking the same thing. But I’m pretty sure they’re gonna grab you as soon as you walk in the door.”

She flashes him a flirtatious smile. “I guess we’ll just have to stay out here a while longer then…” She lifts up a little to press her lips against Chris’s, running both her hands up and around his neck into his hair.

He closes his eyes and melts into her lips, only speaking briefly when they break for a breath of air. “Guess so…”

He drops her bag in the snow and leans closer to kiss her deeply, wrapping both arms around her and holding her impossibly close. After what feels like hours, they finally break apart and gaze into each other’s eyes for a long second. Chris smiles at her as he leans close to her ear, kissing her neck softly a few times.

“Let’s finish this later. Our suitemates will kill me if I keep you away from them any longer.” He quietly says into her warm skin.

MC smirks at him. “Well, I wouldn't want that.” She steps back, breaking the embrace and grabs his hand. “Let’s go say hi.”

She squeezes the same hand and he quickly scoops up her bag and flings it back onto his free shoulder. The two of them walk slowly across the campus towards their suite, enjoying their time together, hand in hand. As they cross the quad, MC spots a glamorous young woman looking around campus, clearly lost.

She makes eye contact with MC and hurries over to them as they draw nearer with an ingratiating smile on her face. “Hi there, you couldn't possibly direct me toward the faculty offices, could you?”

Chris turns to look at MC. “I think you're a little more familiar with those than I am, right, MC?”

The woman takes a step back, her mouth suddenly agape. “Hold up… you’re MC?!”

MC cautiously glances at Chris, his brow furrowed as he listens to the strange interaction. “Uh… yes.” She finally spits out, her eyebrows coming together as she studies the woman. “Do I know you?”

The stranger gives her a sickeningly sweet smile. “Not yet… but I certainly know you.”

The woman looks sidelong at Chris, a sly grin tugging at the corner of her mouth. “So… that must make you Chris.”

Chris raises an eyebrow at her, shifting uncomfortably next to MC as he gives the woman a crazy look. “How did you--”

The stranger interrupts him before he can finish as she eyes them both. “I should’ve recognized you both sooner. You're exactly like I pictured…”

She smirks. “You know what? I think I can find my own way from here. My friend just texted me directions.”

A bewildered look crosses MC’s face. “Uh… okay.”

The young woman hustles off, throwing a last lingering look over her shoulder at the stunned pair. They both watch her for a moment, waiting for her to be well out of hearing range before Chris turns his befuddled face to hers.

“Um… who was that?” He blinks a few times.

She frowns at him. “Your guess is as good as mine…”

They both watch her disappear in silence before looking at each other one last time, simultaneously shrugging and starting their journey again. They arrive at the suite to find Zack and Tyler in their usual spot on the couch, their eyes glued to the videogame on the TV.

Tyler looks up first and smiles. “Hey, MC! Long time no see!”

Zack quickly looks up and flashes her his usual grin. “Sup, doll! I’d get up and hug you and all that, but…” His eyes jump back to the screen as he tilts his head to it.

MC snorts at him and laughs. “Don't worry. I can see you're really busy.”

Chris just shakes his head and chuckles. “Have you guys moved at all today?”

Tyler suddenly looks perplexed as he tries to sort through his memories. “I think I got up to go to the bathroom? But don't quote me on that.” He purses his lips and nods.

“That's it? Respect.” MC laughs at their craziness.

Zack grins. “We’re in the zone. We’ve achieved a state of serious flow.”

Tyler bounces in his seat, clearly excited. “We’re this close to beating Yothag, Thrall of Xelia! This is the furthest we’ve ever gotten!”

MC looks at them both with endearment and a little bit of sarcasm. “I’m very happy for you both. Are Abbie and Kaitlyn here?”

Just then, Kaitlyn pops her head out from the back hallway, a big smile on her face. “MC! I thought I heard your voice… come here!”

Kaitlyn runs over and wraps her up in a tight hug, pulling her from Chris’s warm embrace. He winks at her and takes her bag down the hall to her room. Over Kaitlyn's shoulder, MC sees Abbie coming out of her room, passing Chris in the hallway, clearly excited to see her as well.

“Hey, MC!” Her shy friend waves at her with a smile.

“Abbie! Aw, it’s so good to see you guys. I really missed you over break.” She flashes them a huge smile.

Kaitlyn takes a step back and bounces a little on her toes. “Same! Now, enough small talk… Abbie has some serious gossip to share, don't you, Abbie?”

Abbie is caught off guard by Kaitlyn's sudden question. “Oh, uh…” She glances over at Tyler and tries and fails to hide a smile. “I might…”

MC can't help but let her grin spread across her face as she lowers her voice a little. “Ooh, you and Tyler? Tell me everything! I know you guys went to formal together. I assume things went pretty well after that?”

Abbie blushes. “You assume correctly.” She glances at Tyler once more before continuing. “We didn't end up meeting up over break, but we did talk online a lot. And on the phone. And on video chat.”

“Aw, Abbie! Are you two finally together for real now?” MC pauses, suddenly excited at the idea.

Abbie blushes and catches Tyler’s eye, raising her voice so he can hear. “What do you think, Tyler? Are we together?”

He briefly looks up from his game with a adorably cute grin. “Totally.”

MC suddenly taps Abbie on the arm to make her turn back to her. “Wait, video chat… no clothes or clothes?” She quietly jokes with her friend.

“Oh my god MC!” Abbie’s mouth falls open and she swats at MC.

Kaitlyn turns to grin at Abbie. “You didn't answer the question, Abbie…”

Abbie snorts at them both before she grins again. “Clothes, obviously.” She clears her throat. “It is way too soon for… that.”

Tyler perks up and looks away from his game. “Too soon for what?” He eyes her curiously.

Zack elbows him and nods towards the TV. “Dude, focus!”

Tyler looks back at the screen just as Yothag, Thrall of Xelia devours his character with one snap of his spectral jaws.

“Nooooo!” Tyler wails.

The controller falls from Zacks limp hand as he sighs and pouts. “Game over, man.” He turns to MC. “See what I have to deal with, MC? Ever since these two got back from break, they’ve been making googly eyes at each other.” He humorously glares at Tyler. “It's completely throwing off Tyler’s game!”

MC raises her eyebrow at him. “This is exactly what you wanted Zack…”

He looks at her for a moment and then shrugs, a small grin slipping across his lips. “Eh…”

MC, Kaitlyn, and Abbie sit down on the couch while Tyler powers off the game console.

“Speaking of game, hows your love life going, Zack?” MC wiggles her eyebrows as she shoulder bumps her best friend. “You and Brandon were the hottest couple at formal if I remember correctly.”

Zack quickly throws his hand up. “Oh, we’re still the hottest couple at basically any social function. Except now it's a little more ...official.” His eyebrows jump slightly at the word.

MC raises an eyebrow at him, surprised that two of her good friends are now officially seeing someone. “Seriously?”

Chris reenters the room just in time to hear Zacks news. “Nice one, man!”

Zack flashes Chris a big smile. “Thanks! He’ll be coming to our party later, actually.”

“Ooh, that reminds me. We’re throwing a party tonight. You down?” Kaitlyn turns towards MC.

MC nods at her bubbly friend, ready to start the new quarter with a great time. “Definitely.”

Just then, MC’s phone vibrates. She looks down to see a text from Professor Vasquez. ‘Looked out my window and saw you performing your characteristic woe-is-me shuffle across the quad. Report to my office ASAP.’

MC sighs and glares at her phone. “Wow, I haven't even been back five minutes…”

Her phone buzzes again, and she glances down to see a winky face emoji on screen, immediately confusing her. “What the..?”

She almost instantly receives another text. ‘Disregard. New phone. I’m not used to this contemptible touch screen technology.’

Abbie notices the change in her mood and frowns a little. “Everything okay, MC?”

MC sighs. “Only if you define ‘okay’ as Vasquez suddenly having the ability to text me orders at all hours of the day…”

She shakes her head and stands. “I guess I’d better go see what he wants. See you guys later…”

As she heads towards the door, Chris follows, taking her hand in his. “Wait up just one sec, MC…” He lightly tugs on her hand to slow her down.

She turns and looks into his eyes, curious. “What’s up?”

“I know Vasquez is expecting you and all, but… I was thinking maybe I could walk you over?” He holds her gaze and gives her a small smile.

“Plus, there’s some kind of winter festival going down in the park… There’ll be hot cocoa, live music, chestnuts roasting on an open fire…” His grin grows.

“Sounds pretty romantic, right? And we still haven't had much of a chance to catch up…” He gives her hand a gentle squeeze and rubs his thumb over her knuckles slowly his eyes searching hers.

She looks at him for a moment, watching the corner of his lip curl higher. The look he's giving her makes her toes tingle. She doesn't want to go to see Vasquez, she wants to be with Chris, wherever that is. Especially when he gives her that look. Her heart beats harder in response as a small smile appears on her lips.

“Okay. Let’s go check out the festival. I’ve never said no to hot cocoa, and I’m not about to start.” She takes a step closer to him. “And… you're pretty cool, too.”

“I’ll take it.” He grins and shifts closer, running his free hand around the side of her neck, his thumb running across the edge of her jaw as he leans in for a soft kiss.

They separate only to put their jackets and shoes on before heading outside. Once downstairs and outside of the dorm, the pair cross the quad to the park. Her arm is hooked through his,  while she snuggles close in the crisp air. They stop by the frozen fountain and look down at the glistening ice. Chris turns to MC and grins as the smell of roasting chestnuts and hot cocoa reaches them both.

“It seems like a long time ago since we had a slip ‘n slide set up here.” MC stares into the ice as the memories of their first day at Hartfeld float through her mind; the first day she met all of her amazing new friends. The first day she met Chris.

“Yeah. The campus looks so different.” Chris takes a long deep breath and closes his eyes for a moment, absorbing the wonderful aromas.

MC watches him as they stand there for a moment longer before he opens his eyes and they begin to slowly walk down the main path. She has learned that this is his favorite time of year, as it was one subject they thoroughly covered during their winter break conversations. She loves that he gets so excited about the holidays, spending time with his family and friends and just the overall magic of this time of year.

While she has a good time with her own friends and family, after meeting the guys on the championship trip, MC almost wishes she could have been with him in Cherryfield over the last few weeks. His friends seem like great people from everything she’s seen so far. And if Chris is that close to them, she knows they are. Ryan and Ethan already feel like her best friends.

Then there is his family, who sound beyond adorable from all the random things Chris had told her over the break. She wants to meet them so badly, because she knows that it will help her see an entirely new level to Chris.

He finally opens his eyes and tilts his head to look into hers. “Aren't you glad you decided to come with me?”

She can't help but stare back, his deep blues pulling her in. “Definitely.”

MC glances down at the snowy path, reflecting on her memories. “I guess a lot has changed since fall quarter.” She speaks softly.

~Chris~

Chris grins at her when she looks up. “Not everything.” Chris shifts their arms to hold her hand in his, before leading her over to a nearby booth, where a student volunteer fills two styrofoam cups with hot chocolate and hands them roasted chestnuts.

Chris lets go of MC’s hand to quickly grab the offered cups and stuff the bag in his pocket. “Thanks man.”

He turns to MC and hands her a cup before they continue their walk. Clutching their new steaming cups of hot cocoa, MC and Chris walk further into the park. The soft strains of holiday music fading into the distance as they settle onto a private bench.

Chris blows onto his hot cocoa softly as he watches MC, his eyes bright with enjoyment. She licks her lips in between sips, and he watches intently. He wants to be that cup of hot chocolate right now. He wants to taste her lips, knowing they would be doubly sweet with the chocolate on them. She sees him staring and blushes a little before turning her eyes away for a moment.

“Mmm… maybe it's just because I’m freezing, but this is the best thing I’ve ever tasted.” MC clutches the cup tightly between her hands, her eyes shifting up to his briefly before she turns them away again, her expression fun and flirty.

“If you’re cold, it's the perfect time for me to give you your Christmas gift.” Chris reaches into his back pocket and produces a crinkled package. “I, uh, wrapped it myself.” He chuckles.

He hands it to MC with a lopsided grin. She holds it close for a moment, looking into his happy eyes as she takes in a long breath. She quickly looks down and tears open the paper to reveal a pair of soft, wool gloves.

“Wow… these are the softest gloves I’ve ever owned! And they’re just the right size...” She looks over to him after she puts them on, clearly impressed with how perfect they are.

“I can't take all of the credit for that.” Chris laughs. “I got them at the clothing shop where my mom works… I showed her a picture of you, and she was able to guess your size.”

He watches her face as she hears his words. He wants her to know that he’s told his mom about her, that he's confident in his feelings to not only tell his mom about her, but ask for input.

~MC~

MC’s face warms as she realizes that Chris must have talked about her to his mom after they returned from Nationals. “That’s a pretty neat trick.”

He flashes her a soft smile. “I’ll tell her you said that.”

“I didn't realize your mom works in a clothing store. I haven't really heard that many stories about your life back home…” She looks up at him sweetly, indirectly asking him for more information as curiosity gets the best of her.

“I... “ Chris frowns suddenly. “I don't like to talk about it. But, I’ll tell you anything you want to know.” He stands and offers his arm to MC.

She happily takes it and they start walking slowly down the path. As they take a few silent steps she wonders if she’s hit a nerve. He clearly isn't excited to share something, but she has no idea what it is.

She gives him a small smile, carefully choosing her words as to hopefully avoid a sore spot. “What about your family?”

Chris looks down to the ground as he begins to answer her question. “Let’s see… there’s me. My mom. My brother Kyle is 10, and my sister Jo is 8.”

MC smiles. She remembers him talking about them some over the break, but he never went into much detail. She wonders why he is so guarded. “They seem pretty awesome...”

He turns his eyes to hers, his own a little melancholy although he gives her a small smile. “They really are.”

“So you had a good break?” She raises her eyebrows as she squeezes his arm, trying to be supportive.

“It was great to see my family. It always is. I gave my little sister a game ball signed by the whole team…” He begins to chuckle. “She and my little brother promptly went outside to play with it in the snow.”

“Sounds like she's a trouble.” MC laughs.

He shakes his head and grins through a scoff. “You don't know the half of it.”

MC hesitates, sensing some tension about the one person left unmentioned. “Your dad--”

Chris clears his throat and looks up and down the path to an unknown distance. “Was a long haul trucker.”

MC’s voice becomes quiet as she looks over at him carefully, unsure what he means. “‘Was’?”

“Let’s…” Chris sighs and shakes his head, quickly replacing his frown with his normal happy smile. “...not get into that today. It’s a happy day.”

He turns to look deep into her eyes, his plea obvious inside them. “My mom, Kyle, and Jo are everything to me.”

She gives him an understanding nod and rubs his upper arm. “Can you tell me more about your hometown?”

He nods, happy to oblige. “Cherryfield, Maine. The blueberry capital of the world.”

She blinks a few times. “So why is it called… nevermind. Wait, is that why you like blueberries so much?” She grins at him, receiving the same in return as they both recall their strong blueberry muffin bond.

“Maybe?” He laughs.

“I’d love to take you there sometime. Its beautiful…” He pauses and looks away, almost as if ashamed. “...but also dirt poor. There’s the high school, a tiny downtown, and exactly two restaurants.”

He turns to look at MC, a hint of sadness swimming in his eyes. “If I couldn't throw a football, I’d probably still be there, scraping by like most of the guys I went to school with. I’m not going to lie. It was hard to be back home. Now that I’ve seen more of the world, my town looks awfully small. It’s beautiful, of course… but the people are dirt poor, and mostly unhappy.”

He stays quiet for a moment as he searches her face. It doesn't take long for his grin to grow as he looks at her. “And… of course, I missed you.”

“You did, huh?” She tilts her head, curious about his statement.

“What’s with the slack jaw?” He raises an eyebrow at her.

She clears her throat. “It’s just… I feel like I know you so well in certain ways. The two of us have had some uh, great… moments together…”

She feels her face flush warm. “But… we still don't know much about each other's past.” Her eyes flick back and forth across his eyes, trying to learn whatever she can.

Chris lets out a long sigh and looks forward again, away from her searching eyes. “Trust me, it’s not important. My past is the least interesting thing about me.”

“I’m sure that's not true, Chris.” She playfully bumps him as they walk, hoping to get some type of reaction from his suddenly stoic demeanor. “But for the sake of enjoying this date, I’m going to let you off the hook for now.”

~Chris~

When he turns to look at her with a grin she winks at him and he laughs. “Lucky me.” He watches MC, his eyes bright with enjoyment.

She can't help but giggle at his expression. “What are you smiling about?”

He clears his throat and looks away bashfully for a second before he musters up the courage to look back into her eyes and hold the gaze this time. “I guess I’m just happy. I told you. I uh…” He reaches over and covers her smaller hand with his much his larger and warmer one before he shrugs slightly. “I just… missed you.”

��We talked or whatever, like everyday… ” She gives him a curious look before she continues,

“And then there was Nationals…” They both grin cheekily at each other, causing her to full on blush and look down at their connected hands as he lets out a soft laugh.

“Okay, I missed you, too. Winter break was too long. Even with the trip last week...” She looks up and bites her lower lip as she locks eyes with him.

“Yeah I know, we did talk… and text… and FaceTime a little…” He shakes his head and laughs, his entire body shifting with embarrassment. “But it’s not the same.”

He squeezes her hand and clears his throat before changing the subject. “Anyway, what kind of stuff did you do the rest of the time?”

She looks at him for a few seconds, watching as he forces his body to relax. “Hmm, I caught up with my high school friends some, but you knew that. There were some parties… and we watched an old movie that we can't seem to let go.” She laughs. “Spent time with the family of course.”

“How did that go? Is everyone doing good?” Chris inquires with sincerity.

MC lets out a weak laugh. “It was… mostly good.” She frowns a little. “Well, the job I told you that my dad got… it was only temporary. He still hasn't found permanent work, but my mom was able to get her old job back at least.”

Chris frowns as he picks up on her demeanor. “Well, that’s good, right?”

She gives him a small smile. “Yeah… but it’s just enough to support them. She’s not exactly making college tuition money. They sold his car and had to take my little truck for now too, so he can continue looking for work.”

He takes his hand off hers to wrap his arm across her shoulders and pull her close, kissing her on the temple. “I hate to hear that, I’m sorry. But you still have Vasquez though, right?”

“Yeah… right.” She frowns.

Chris pulls her even closer, squeezing her upper arm with the hand he wrapped around her shoulders. He leans over and lays his forehead against her temple before he softly speaks. “It will be okay, MC. I promise. Just like first quarter, we will figure it out.”

She lets out a long sigh. “Thanks Chris. Sorry for getting mopey…”

He winks at her when he straightens up and she looks into his eyes. “No reason to be sorry.”

MC quickly thinks of something else to change the subject. “So, besides what I saw myself… how was your break? Did your family have a good Christmas?”

He laughs as memories begin to cut across his thoughts. “Yeah, you could say that.”

“Do you have any pictures?” She looks at him hopefully.

He raises his eyebrow and laughs. “Ayuh, I have a few…” He pulls out his phone and swipes through his photo stream.

“Here’s my brother and sister… making dinner on Christmas Eve.” He grins as he shows her the picture he took with them behind him, selfie style.

MC smiles as he recalls that night and the mess they made. She listens to him intently, smiling hard at his faint accent as he reviews the events of the night.

He turns to see her face and stops, his left eyebrow arching up sharply. “What?”

Chris then lets out a short knowing laugh. “Are you laughing at the way I speak again…”

She shakes her head. “I’m not laughing. I love it.”

“Oh, you love it…” He smirks at her as she blushes after realizing her word choice.

She tries to shrug it off, making him feel butterflies for a moment as he watches her backpedal hard. He decides that she can bring up his accent anytime as long as she continues to look at him the same way.

“Well, my family doesn't really have any accent. We’ve moved around too much over the years and they came from all over. So I uh, I think yours is... neat.”

He pulls her close. “See, I think that's neat. You're a chameleon. You can go anywhere and blend in. No one will ask you where you're from.”

“It's really not that obvious, yanno… Sorry if I’m bothering you.” She gives him a sweet half smile-frown.

“You could never bother me, MC. I love that you like to listen to my voice…” He says it in a slow, husky tone as he gives her a flirty look, making her laugh again.

He instantly knows that her laugh is and will always be, his favorite sound. Something he will forever love to hear daily. He takes the moment to nuzzle into her neck right near her ear, receiving a shiver in response, making his lower abdomen tighten in return, sliding his arm from her shoulders down around her waist as they slowly continue to stroll down the path.

~MC~

She asks to see more pictures and he obliges, scrolling through more images of his family and of course, all of his friends. Some she recognizes from FaceTime calls and from their trip to the championship. She can’t wait to meet the others and hang out with Ryan and Ethan again.

He stops on a particular picture when MC puts her hand on his. “Oh my god… you guys are so cute.”

She studies a picture Chris tells her his mom took. It’s of Chris and his siblings on the couch after they had fallen asleep together. Chris in the middle with his head leaning slightly over the back, his mouth slightly open because of the odd angle. His brother Kyle is on his right, leaning on Chris’s shoulder. His sister Jo is tucked under his arm on his left, snuggled up as close as she could possibly get with his arm wrapped protectively around her. All three are passed out, bundled tightly together, the Christmas tree sparkling in a blur behind them.

She looks up and sees Chris studying her face, a small smile on his lips. “I would love for you to meet them someday. They are great kids. Pretty sure they are going to make me look bad as they grow up…” He lets out a hearty laugh.

She shakes her head at him and pulls his arm tighter around her waist. “I don't think that's actually possible.”

A sad look crosses his face for a moment but he pushes it away and lets out a huff of air. “Heh. Yeah…”

MC picks up on his mood shift and nudges him slightly with her shoulder. He gives her a quick grin and he starts scrolling again. She jumps next to him suddenly.

“Wait! Go back!” She demands, almost knocking the phone from his hand.

He stops and gives her an odd look before he slowly starts scrolling through his pictures backwards. When he pulls up a particular shot she lunges at his phone, excitedly grabbing it with both hands. She studies the picture with wide eyes, etching it into her memory as much as possible.

“Who took this?” She holds it up to him and he laughs and looks away, a faint red tint creeping up his neck.

“Uh, Jo did… My little sis-ta.” He smirks as he leans closer and purposefully enunciates the way he says sister as MC giggles and continues to evaluate the picture.

The picture is of Chris, on a shore in Maine during a sunrise. He’s facing the barely visible sun as it creeps into view, lighting his front while the rest of him remains in a dark shadow, creating drastic contrast. His sister must have snuck up on him to take the picture, because his focus is way off into the distance, almost like he's searching for the sun itself. He appears deep in thought, but happy at the same time. She finally looks up and finds him studying her face again. This time with an odd look on his own.

 “What?” She asks apprehensively.

He tilts his head. “Just curious… of what you're thinking about?”

She looks back at the picture, still holding his phone in her hands. “I guess I’m wondering, what you were thinking of here. How she managed to sneak up on you like that. It must have been something…” She looks over at him. “Do you remember?”

~Chris~

Chris lets out a small laugh. “Ayuh, I remember.” He lays on a thick accent to purposefully make her smile again while he stalls for a moment, trying to decide how, or possibly if he should answer truthfully. “Jo kept trying to get me to tell her for the rest of break after she took it. But I never told her...”

MC must sense his hesitation because she scrambles to retract her question. “It’s okay, if you um… If you don't want to say. I just think it's a nice picture…” She quickly hands him his phone and shyly looks forward, avoiding his heated gaze.

Chris stops walking then, tugging her until she stops as well from his arm wrapped around her waist. He holds the phone up in front of his face to study the picture for a moment before he shifts it directly into MC’s line of sight. He tilts his head towards her slightly, his arm tightly wrapped around her, before he speaks.

“I don't mind. If you really want to know.” He looks at her as he speaks slowly. “I was thinking of you.” He watches her swallow hard, absorbing what he just said about the picture.

She eventually turns to look at him, her voice quiet and soft. “Can I have it?”

Chris smiles warmly at her, his eyes crinkling at the corners as his happiness grows. “Of course.”

He pulls his phone back and sends her the image through text. MC smiles as she hears her phone ding with the message notification.

She unwraps herself from his arm and grabs his hand before pulling him into the snowy quad. “Come on. We’re at a winter fair! let's do some winter stuff.”

Chris gestures to a group of students knee deep in the thickest snow banks in the area. “How about we build a snowman?”

She nods and stops to look at them before turning to him. “Sure thing… but I’m fresh out of magic top hats.”

He laughs, instantly getting the reference. “Gah, I love that movie.” He chuckles. “Guess we’ll have to use our imaginations instead.” Chris hunkers down and starts packing snow together.

MC quickly kneels beside him to help. “We can use two of the chestnuts for his eyes! We can name him… Mr. Chestnut.”

Chris doesn't even try to hide his laughter, enjoying her goofy sense of humor. “Wow. How creative.”

He effortlessly lifts two sizable balls of snow onto the largest, stacking them perfectly. He watches her as she moves around the snowman, her face soft and happy, making his chest swell.

MC gives him a mock pout. “Hey! You’re going to hurt his feelings!” She packs snow between the sections, securing the snowman’s upper body and head.

Chris returns with a mock apology as he pats the snowman on the head. “Aw. Poor guy. Sorry, Mr. Chestnut.”

~MC~

MC notices Chris shivering slightly as he finishes putting the finishing touches on the snowman with his bare hands. She suddenly feels horrible.

“I didn't realize it since I was wearing gloves… but your hands must be freezing! Maybe you can wear my gloves?” She quickly takes them off and hands them to Chris.

He looks at her thankfully but gives her a sweet smile from the offer. “But these gloves are the perfect size for you. My big hands won't even come close to fitting.” He gives her a wink.

MC frowns. “Oh, yeah.”

She shakes her head and sighs, thinking of another way to warm him.

Chris gently grabs her wrists and puts the gloves back in her hands. “Please put these back on. I couldn't stand to watch you shiver. Even for a second.”

MC blushes as he holds her gaze with a very serious look, daring her to disobey. She smiles and shakes her head while she puts them back on, racking her brain for another solution. Then it hits her and she takes a step closer to him.

“Quick! Put your hands inside my coat.” She unbuttons her jacket and opens it to him as she eliminates all the space between them.

Chris looks at her with concern. “Are you sure?”

MC frowns at him and raises her voice slightly, very worried about his hands. “Just do it!”

Chris snaps to and reaches under her coat around her body, his icy hands touch her warm skin as they run along her waist, pulling the hem of her shirt up. He grimaces as she feels his hands pull the warmth from her soft skin almost instantly.

MC gasps as if the air was sucked straight from her lungs at the ice cold contact. “So… c-cold!”

Chris flinches and begins to remove his hands quickly. “You told me to do this!”

She swiftly grabs his retreating hands through her jacket and holds them to her skin as she shudders for a moment, trying to focus on something other than his frozen digits. “I… I know.”

She takes a few breaths in and out, clenching her eyes shut for a moment before she looks up to meet his very concerned eyes. She shakes her head to let him know it is okay and leans in, wrapping him with her own arms, holding them together chest to chest. He sighs and leans his cheek against her’s as they stand like that for a few minutes, his hands finally starting to warm up. She lets out a light laugh once she can start to feel his fingers move again, no longer the ice sculptures they were just minutes prior. She leans back and looks into his eyes, now softer but still full of concern.

“This is… actually starting to feel nice.” She feels Chris relax against her finally, looking at her somewhat apologetically.

~Chris~

She sucks in a quick breath as he begins to move his fingers around under her shirt, familiarizing themselves with her soft skin again. She looks deep into his eyes as Chris continues to blindly explore. He struggles not to react to the memories that start to pop into his head. Memories of the last time he touched her like this in his hotel room only a few days prior.

“I almost forgot how much I missed you touching me.” A small grin cracks across his face as she continues, “Almost.”

Chris pulls his now normalized hands out from under MC’s jacket and away from her warm skin, knowing he can't continue down this path here and now. He helps her button her jacket again as she struggles with her new gloves. She gives up with a huff and stands there, watching him dutifully button each one with a smirk, until she is warm and cozy again.

“Let’s get some more cocoa. It will help warm us up.” Chris grabs her hand and they both run back to the cocoa stand for fresh cups.

Chris takes a long sip after blowing across the top a little. “That feels so… good…” He sighs and cherishes the warm cup in his hands.

MC watches him over her own cup as she takes a sip as well. “Careful. You’re going to make me jealous of a cocoa cup.”

He lowers the cup and gives her a sultry look. “Maybe you should be.”

They both start softly laughing as they keep eye contact while finishing their cocoa, each peering over their steaming paper cups and drinking through playful grins. After a few minutes they finish their second cups and toss them in the trash as they pass by on their walk. They end up near the string quartet that begins to play a winter waltz as they move to a quieter part of the path.

Chris slows down and turns towards her, making her stop as well. He lightly cups her cheek in his hand and rubs his thumb over her bottom lip as he gazes into her eyes. His voice becomes very low as his expression turns serious.

“When I got home after nationals, I had a nightmare, you know…” He swallows hard and takes a deep breath. “In it, I showed up here today, and you didn't exist. Everything we’d shared last quarter and over the break… it had only been an illusion.”

He squeezes her hand, trying to force the panicky feeling from his body. Even thinking about it now was making him feel like it just happened, that she isn't real even though he’s holding her right now. He takes a deep breath.

“I woke up in a cold sweat, picked up my phone, and scrolled through my photos until I found one of you.” Chris gives her a weak smile.

~MC~

“Aww, Chris…” MC smiles softly at him, feeling the anxiety rolling off him, making her chest tighten as he continues.

“And then I knew you were real. And I took a deep breath and went back to bed.” He lets out a held breath of air, his bangs moving a little from the force.

He hesitates for a moment before suddenly leaning in and kissing her hard on the lips, his stubble lightly caressing her cheek. She only stays stunned for a fraction of a second from his swift invasion of her lips, quickly giving in and forcefully kissing him back in return. She can feel the power behind his kiss, his need to prove that she’s real and actually here, in his arms. So she gives it to him.

She lets him in when he asks, his tongue soft but demanding with hers. She matches his exuberance as he becomes excited with her level of participation, and she makes sure he knows it is real. She reaches up behind his neck, holding him close to her with one hand and running her fingers through the hair on the base of his neck with the other. When he pulls back, his eyes are a familiar deep blue, cutting straight through her with raw intensity.

“We… should find somewhere… private.” Chris holds her close, leaning his forehead to hers, trying to slow his breathing as he closes his eyes, forcing himself to focus.

She does the same, forcing herself to breathe slowly, trying to lower her elevated heart rate while her head spins. They hold each other tightly for a while, almost as if they are afraid they might disappear.

Disrupting their moment, MC’s phone beeps again with another text. She sighs and almost pitches it down the snowy path, knowing exactly who it is without looking. She squeezes it tightly before Chris gently grabs her hands with soft pressure, silently asking her to let go and relax.

She looks to him then, finding his focused stare as he gives her a reassuring hug. “Later tonight. We’ll make up for lost time. I promise.”

He gives her an excited smile. “I’m going to hold you to that.”

They walk back towards the quad hand in hand. They split off at a certain point on the path, each going their separate ways; Chris back to the suite and MC towards Vasquez’s office. Chris doesn't let her leave without a quick kiss to her temple as he hugs her close. MC swears she can still feel tension in him and makes a mental note to talk to him later. He glances over his shoulder at her one last time just when she does the same to him. They both smile warmly before turning back towards their destinations.

As MC walks into Vasquez’s office she is immediately addressed by the professor. “MC. What took you so long? I’ve been waiting for… Hrrrk.”

He suddenly bends over and coughs into a handkerchief. When he pulls it away, she notices a red spot bleeding through the white cloth. He quickly stuffs the handkerchief in his pocket before James can see it. James does however hear the cough and consequently finds the professor folded over.

Concern instantly covers his face. “Professor, are you--”

Vasquez quickly cuts him off. “I’m fine. James, could you get me a glass of water?”

James lingers for a moment, his eyes glancing back and forth between the professor and MC. He then frowns before nodding and walking out of the room.

MC frowns at Professor Vasquez when his eyes meet hers. “You need to tell him.”

He glares at her. “Don't you dare try to tell me what I need to do. You need to remember who's in charge here… who holds your future in the palm of his hands.”

“Well… I’m sorry.” She sighs, feeling defeated from this situation.

He stands up straighter and eyes her suspiciously. “Interesting. Last quarter, you would have barked back some insult at me. Perhaps you’re capable of evolving as a character.”

Her face scrunches up in irritation. “I’m not a character. I’m a person.”

He lets out a small chuckle. “Whatever you say…” He clears his throat and looks back down at his desk. “Back to your question. I’ll tell James when the moment is right.”

She rolls her eyes and frowns. “You mean when it causes the most drama?”

He snorts at her. “No… when I’m ready.”

Just then, the office door bursts open, and the young woman from before enters with James at her heels.

“Professor Vasquez. How nice to finally meet you in person.” She extends her hand towards him. “Let me introduce myself… I’m Yasmin Udoka.”

James quickly comes around her and places himself between them. “I’m sorry, Professor. I tried to tell her you were busy, but--”

Yasmin waves him away. “It’s my job to push for what I want, James. It’s what makes me the best agent in Manhattan.”

Professor Vasquez looks at her less than amused. “I’m afraid you're about forty years too late to sign me. I already have an agent, Charles Wallace!”

She smiles sweetly at him. “Charlie retired on Tuesday. I took over his client list and jumped on the first flight here. I used the flight to catch up on your latest book. Very provocative stuff. Especially the MC character.”

MC quickly turns to glare at the professor. “Vasquez! You actually named your character MC?”

He scoffs at her. “You should be grateful! You’re being immortalized in a work of classic literature!”

Yasmin smiles at MC in a way she doesn't like. “If half the stories I read are true, you’ve had quite an interesting freshman year so far…”

MC’s eyes narrow a little. “Oh yeah? What exactly did he write about me?”

Yasmin's smile becomes even more twisted and unappealing to MC. “Oh, I wish I could tell you, but I couldn't possibly violate Vasquez’s trust like that.”

MC glares at them both. “I guess I’ll just have to wait for the book to come out like everyone else…”

Professor Vasquez ignores her response. “On to business. What do you want, Yasmin?”

“First, a little bookkeeping We need to renew publication rights for Winter in July. That includes going digital! I’m afraid no one reads print anymore, dear…” She holds her hand up to look at her nails.

Vasquez quickly snaps his eyes up from his desk and glares at her. “Don't patronize me. Just because our entire culture’s sinking into a morass of shallow self-absorption doesn’t mean I have to help the slide.”

She walks over towards his desk, digging in her bag for a stack of papers. “All I need is your signature, Enrique. Then you can go back to your ivory tower and sneer all you want.” She holds the document out across his desk.

“I… I’m not ready to sign. I need to think about it.” He gruffly replies, quickly looking away from her extended hand.

She pulls it back towards her, taken by surprise. “What’s there to think about? Your book sales could double or even triple if we release Winter in July on digital platforms.”

MC and James share a worried look from their places on opposite sides of the room. They already know why the professor doesn't want to sign, not to mention that he will probably get upset if she keeps pushing.

“I said I need to think about it, okay? As far as I’m concerned, the matter is closed for discussion.” He gives Yasmin a serious glare. “I’d rather focus on finishing The Freshman. Hopefully it will serve as a cautionary tale to today's youth.”

MC sneers at him from her spot in the room. “Yeah… a cautionary tale. As in… never trust your professor.”

“You’ve clearly misidentified the theme of my book, MC. Whether you trust me or not is a moot point. You have to work for me.” He looks at her, his face devoid of emotion.

“So it’s a book about the way millennials are subjugated by a corrupt power structure set up by your generation?” She grinds out between clenched teeth.

“Interesting take. I like that angle…” Professor Vasquez smirks. “But… it still ignores the main character’s central flaws.”

“What flaws? I bet you can't even come up with one example.” MC is tired of holding back.

After being ridiculed as nothing other than a character in his book, pure substance for his story, she's had enough. Now she's seething.

“Actually, I’ve got half a book’s worth of examples. And by the end of the year, I should have enough to finish this thing.” He gives her a haughty smile.

Yasmin frowns. “I take that to mean, you don't have any more pages for me?”

“Actually… I’m getting an idea for my next chapter now… of course, this is going to require a bit of ‘help’ from MC and James.”

James takes a step back, his face clearly showing his disagreement with the plan. “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Leave me out of this. I’m your mentee, not your puppet.”

He flashes MC an apologetic smile as he realizes what he just said. She rolls her eyes and crosses her arms as she glares at the professor.

Vasquez gives him an eerie smile. “Hear me out.” James and MC share worried looks.

“There’s a nice benefit in this for you, if you play your cards right.” He clears his throat. “Here’s my proposal: MC is going to put on James’s play, here on campus, next week.”

The other three all look at each other with shocked confused glances.

“And Yasmin here is going to watch. If she likes it, she’ll take James on as a client.” Professor Vasquez finishes with enthusiasm as MC and James stare at each other in shock.

Yasmin’s eyebrows lift as her eyes widen with surprise. “I will?”

“Think of the drama! James’s future on the line… an agent out to land her first client after inheriting a bunch of literary dinosaurs… And at the center of it all, a girl who risks losing her scholarship and getting thrown out of school.” He chuckles to himself as his eyes lock with MC’s.

Yasmin grins. “That does sound compelling. Very well, then. I accept.”

They shake hands over his desk before she turns towards James. “I’ll look forward to watching your play, Mr. Ashton. It had better be worth my time.”

MC takes a step forward, her expression showing her concern. “How am I supposed to put on a play just like that? I don’t even know any actors!”

Professor Vasquez gives her a blank look. “Oh, you won't be using actors, MC… The stars of this play will be a few of my favorite characters… you and your friends.” His eyes narrow as his grin grows.

[londontoseoularchive]

1-10 and 15-20...

issa long one, thanks. im not being sarcastic, srsly, thanks

1. What was your first fic and could you stand to reread it today? my first fic? oh shit, i need to check it again. it was a hwasa one. so, no i couldn’t stand to re-read it. but my first smut was a gd smut. i’ve actually read it a couple of times already haha. i really did not proof read when i first started, huh?2. What’s your most recent fic and how far do you think you’ve come? my most recent fic was movie shoot extra, and i think i have come a long way in that i now definitely now what i’m comfortable with, what i enjoy writing and how i can always improve. i use writing as an outlet for my overly active mind so it’s definitely helped me in a way express my feeling... if that made any sense lol.3. In your opinion, what’s your best fic? oh, partners. for sure. and then movie shoot. the bigger ones definitely.4. In your opinion and without looking at any numbers, what’s your most popular fic? pffffft i check my notes every morning lmao, it’s how about now at almost 800 notes. i check the notes often because i want to see the reblogs and the comments people leave as tags lol.5. Is there any fic that makes you super happy to reread and remember you wrote that? actually, that angst i did with mino where he was a cheating bastard, i’d rather be crazy. only because i did it in a way that the reader got sweet revenge and it was so much fun to write.6. Is there any fic that makes you super embarrassed to reread and remember you wrote that? i’m not cringing over any fics that i have written but one that i’m probably like “eh, i could have done better” is the jinyoung smut. it felt like a chore to write it.7. What’s the fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)? most of my fics only have on part but the one even i’m like “ooh i wonder what would happen next here” is come home with seungri. i need more angst lol.8. What’s the oldest (longest since last update) fic you most want to continue (unfinished or no)? hmmm, i think i’d rather re-do do me your worst.9. Have you ever written for a fandom without watching/reading/playing the source material? i have only once and i regretted it. never again. i even took it out of my masterlist.10. Have you ever written for a fandom without reading other fanfic for it? well i am an avid reader so no.

15. Have you ever purposefully written one fandom/fic idea over another because you knew it’d be more popular? at the very beginning, one jimin fluff thinking it’d do well because it’s bts. funnily enough, even though i do stan bts to a certain extent i haven’t written anything else bts yet other than the fic i’m working on right now. and yes, it’s jimin. i’ve read a shit-ton of bts smut though, thanks to btssmutgalore. one thing that i was shocked though, how many people read my g-dragon fics. i legit didn’t expect it.16. Have you ever stopped writing a fic/for a fandom because it wasn’t receiving enough attention? no. if i’m feeling a group and a particular idol to the point that i need to write something then i’ll just do it.17. In your opinion, what’s your most overrated fic? i’m not being ungrateful but do me your worst just because it wasn’t proof read. also, the extra for movie shoot only because it’s literally just the reader getting head, when foreplay is only a third of 99% of my fics.18. What’s your most underrated fic? oooh. um... feel a way about you and will you behave.19. If you had to pick one fic/scene/chapter of your work to describe your entire portfolio to a stranger, which would you pick? partners because it’s my bias, it’s my best fic so far and it shows versatility.20. Have/Would you ever rewrite a fic? If yes, would you take the original down? i would and i wouldn’t. it would be a different version but not so much alike the original that you can’t tell the difference. either the sequence of things would be different or more people would be involved, i don’t know, something along those lines.

[yomariejuana]

You’re a Poor Rich Man

It is my humble opinion that you should never 100% trust yourself. No matter how much you think you have your shit together, or think you know what is good for yourself, there is always the chance that you are ready to sabotage your own happiness. I’ve been seeing messages all around saying to me, if you had everything you wanted right now, how ready would you be for it? And would you still value it once you had it? I feel like 7 times out of 10, the answer is no for both questions. It’s human nature to want what we think we can’t have, and for some reason, our society is so obsessed with instant gratification and the “new age” idea of manifestation that we forget that nothing worth having comes easily. 

Underneath all the social conditioning, we are beings of instinct - we come with a built in spiritual GPS. So, generally, we usually do know what is best for us. We know that most of the time, what feels good is what’s best, because when we are genuinely happy, that’s when we are the most in alignment with our true selves. However, being also that we are forward moving creatures, we forget that we don’t have to be on our feet all the time. What I mean by this is, we get bored very easily. We confuse the material things that we have or our level of productivity with our worth. We feel like we could always be doing more, instead of being happy with what we have or who we are. 

The problem with this is, say the entire “civilized” world burnt down, and we were left right where the first peoples started... God forbid we have to take a shit outside or walk around without clean sneakers covering our feet. No fast food or air conditioning?? That shit sounds like a total nightmare, no way I’d be happy living a life like that. But guess what, our ancestors did, and around some parts of the world, some people still do. I guarantee you will find most people in societies such as this way happier than 99% of the upper class in big cities anywhere else. Try and prove me wrong. You can’t.

The thing is, we’re completely ruining something that is already so perfect and beautiful when we can’t help but to want more and more, without stopping to be sincerely grateful for what we came into this world with. This is why we cut down our forests for money and brainwash our youth in our schools. We’ve fooled ourselves into thinking we’re becoming more advanced when the reality is we’re just a bunch of spoiled, ungrateful little fucks. 

Now I’m not trying to personally come for everyone enjoying a life of luxury reading this on their iPhones in a temperature controlled room. I’m using the big picture to hopefully make you more aware. I personally would prefer not to revert back to the primitive ways of my ancestors. However, I can’t ignore the fact that we are literally killing ourselves just to live comfortably. Even though most people will look the other way believing that things like deforestation or pollution (and even more seemingly minute, day to day things) affect some invisible population, the truth of the matter is that all of our efforts to advance to the next level are at our own expense.

I honestly didn’t start writing this with the intent to go full-on activist on my readers, but I feel like this is the best way I can get my point across. Once you start to make yourself more aware and ask yourself “why do I want this thing?”, or “why do I want to live this way?”, you will come to realize that you literally already have everything you need to live a happy life. Pride and comparison are two of the worlds most notorious killers of happiness. 

Everything is an illusion. Remember that the next time you see a photo on instagram of an iced out rapper in his Wednesday car or a real life barbie posing in an infinity pool in Europe. Often times hard work will tell you the difference between what you really want versus what somebody else wants you to think you want. The difference is, hard work that is worth it will feel rewarding the entire time you are doing it. When it doesn’t come from a genuine place, you will constantly feel stressed and drained, and it will feel like you always must have a goal. I’m personally not so focused on any destination. I’m focused on preserving the balance of life in the present moment so that I may always have my happiness in plain sight, without feeling like I need to go to extremes to find it. 

[leonardo-artista]

Leo is not a supportive partner but Riario goddamn needs one

On writing Leario, on writing platonic bonds, on the importance of communication and being heard, on identifying with characters and asexual spectrum headcanons, on the false "sex fixes everything" belief and the false relationship hierarchy.

Warning: less meta and more me trying to explore and explain my feelings

There's something that bothers me about writing Leario post season three; in some ways Leo takes a step backwards. In season two he and Riario worked together and Leo understood that his actions had consequences for him and for other people. In season three however he fails to fully exorcise Riario's demons and leaves him to almost be executed and again become brainwashed, becomes obsessed with a Crusade instead of considering other options, abandons Vanessa to her fate, loses one friend and almost loses another one.

For me it all starts to go wrong when Leo does not ask Riario to stay when they return to Italy from their voyage. Riario has been through many trials. His faith has been tested and found wanting. He needs redemption or renewal. Leo could have offered him a new path, but instead Riario is left to beg for a redemption he is refused.

But let us suppose Leo asked Riario to stay with him. Let's imagine Riario made it clear that's what he wanted, because Leo is, as I'll come to again in a moment, dense. They return to Florence together. There's Zo's hostility to contend with, Lorenzo's brutality to contend with, the invasion to thwart. But let's say Leo triumphs, with Riario a part of that victory.

Is that a happy ever after?

Probably not.

There's a reason I frequently give Riario friendships outside of Leo's influence when I write Leario. In particular with Vanessa, who is a good listener and a source of comfort for Leo. She's an obvious choice. In au fics, there is often no blame attached to Riario for Guiliano's death/departure; sometimes Guiliano is alive. But regardless, it is important to me that Riario has someone who listens.

Because Leo does not.

I imagine life with Leo, especially a s1 or s3 Leo would go much like this:

LEO: Look at this awesome painting I'm working on

RIARIO: It is beautiful. I'm also working on something.

LEO: Sure. Look how the shadows fall here…

RIARIO: You said I am an artist too.

LEO: You are, you are. I liked that painting you did of the birds.

RIARIO: You love flight. I know. But this is something different I'm working on. I told you. A series of watercolours to illustrate Greek epics.

LEO: Right. That's not going to be that popular.

RIARIO: But my passion lies there.

LEO: Then go paint it.

RIARIO: Paint them.

LEO: Yes, them.

RIARIO: Are you even listening?

LEO: Of course I am. I think more sienna in this area, what do you think?

RIARIO: You don't even recall what day this is.

LEO: Thursday?

RIARIO: This is the day I killed my mother. (does not remind Leo he promised to go and take flowers to the grave because Leo has clearly forgotten)

LEO: Ah. Sorry.

RIARIO: It's a difficult time.

LEO: I'm sure. But you can't change the past. No, not sienna, maybe something lighter.

RIARIO: You don't care at all, do you, when you're lost to your obsessions.

LEO: That's not true.

RIARIO: What is the first watercolour an illustration of?

LEO: ….The Iliad?

 At which point Riario is going to understand why Zo spends so much time saying "Fuck you, Leo," and going off to the tavern where he can talk to Nico and Vanessa about what an ungrateful bastard Leo is.

Except maybe Riario doesn't have anyone else to talk to.

How to fix this problem of oblivious, self-centred Leo? Friendships, as I stated above. And/or having Leo learn to pay attention to the larger picture, to the people around him, to truly listen when Riario is confiding his secrets, his needs, his pain.

When I wrote "Weather Every Storm" the Vanessa & Riario was an integral part of the story. And furthermore Leo was more self-aware. He had enough sense to recognise that he is not always good at being in a relationship. He takes people for granted. He acknowledges that he needs to prioritise communication and to truly listen. Riario's problems can't just be fucked away. The Leario is the thrust of the story, and while there is sex within the fic, the plot follows the characters' personal growth as Riario attempts to build a new life, away from the influence of his father, and Leo learns to be more supportive. It's still my favourite fic.

I extrapolate this desire for someone to understand, a strong friendship to other fandoms. In another fandom I have a largely unmet desire for fic with a particular platonic m/f bond*; so much that I'm writing it for myself, pointlessly, because smut fic is the most popular thing. Same reason I have to write 99% of any Riario&Vanessa myself.

 I'm usually headcanoning the male as somewhere on the asexual spectrum, possibly grey-a or demisexual. Sex isn't the most important thing for them. In this second fandom, it's been pointed out that "conversational intimacy"** is the most important part of his sexual relationships.

The female is someone skilled at listening. They don't brush people's concerns aside; they see the real issue and explore it. They can be a shoulder to cry with no expectation of sex resulting from a bond. They listen and assist where possible.

Part of the reason the male characters – Riario, in Da Vinci's Demons – resonate with me is that they can be read as on the ace spectrum as I am, and because they are often alone, with no or few trusted compatriots. Fic that suggests sex is the be all and end all of a relationship does nothing for me and even more so when it's a character I've come to identity with, as with Riario. Fic that has sex "fixing" all issues does nothing but piss me off. Fic that has sex as the One True Allowable pleasure makes me beyond enraged – and when Leo is a pansexual hedonist visionary I can't imagine he's suddenly only into vanilla buttsex but I’ve seen both he and Riario given this mindset in fic. There is more to a character than who they are fucking.

So what do I do with these characters? I put them through hell because that's we do, isn't it? We write to explore them, to explore the world, to explore ourselves. We learn from pain, we get to acknowledge our pain, we get to see how we might get survive our pain.

And then I put them together again. I give them support systems that work, by giving them not a sex obsessed lover but the friend down the pub. Someone who genuinely listens and tries to understand, not someone mostly interested in smoothing things over so they can get back to fucking.

This is a little raw because I'm tired and stressed. The person I'd normally turn to isn't available at this moment for me to lean on – that's part of the reason I'm stressed. The one person I can open up to and know I will be heard rather than dismissed. And trying to explain that, trying to explain how anyone, a friend, a sister, a colleague, is the most important person in your life is difficult; you're not fucking them so why do they matter so much? It's no big deal if you lost them. Not like getting a divorce or being widowed. That's the relationship hierarchy***.

The relationship hierarchy appals me. The idea of a relationship where one partner is oblivious to their partner's needs is worrying. sidenote: I can write Leario in my sleep at this point. It's lost its edge somewhat to write origin stories though I have one more major fic to come. Established relationships, where Leo has learnt to do better/where Riario is friends with the Scooby Gang; OT3s/other pairings; gen. Maybe I need to explore those before I can recapture my passion. And I can write platonic m/f scenes and fics and gratify my own needs; but fic written but unread is half-done in many ways. But sometimes it seems smut fic is all anyone wants; not the emotional component.

Sometimes you just need someone to listen. But sometimes the best you can do is write someone else getting the comfort you so badly want.

Please be gentle with comments. This is a pretty personal post, despite my initial framing; I always find it easier to begin with, and to support my assertions, with factual or fictional examples. There's a reason certain characters and dynamics resonate with me, after all, and why I turn to them when I'm trying to illustrate my own troubled feelings.

[thishari-blog]

The community block….a road trip I am glad to have experienced but not one that I want to go on again for a long time!

This community block has been a long and windy road which ended with a BANG…literally. Being involved in a car accident the day before my group presentation was not ideal to say the least. After my accident I began to interpret the metaphorical meaning of a vehicle in relation to the journey that was the Community block. As crazy as it sounds and in case you are wondering…no I didn’t hit my head and I’m in a fully conscious state but when I thought about it my experiences in the community and this module mirrored that of a vehicle on a road trip…

Sometimes I had to stop suddenly and change directions due to obstacles in my way

At times I found myself lost and asking for directions just to survive the day

Frustration started to emerge when I felt like others were holding me back

And the waiting for things to move forward seemed endless and sometimes threw me off track

I often felt as though I was on ‘auto-mode’, forgetting how I arrived at various destinations

There were days when I was running on empty and was in desperate need of re-fuelling to deal with different situations

There was always the tendency to look in the rear-view mirror toward the past but I had to remind myself to look forward in the direction in which I was headed.

Accidents happened and sometimes things happened that were not in my control but weren’t easily comprehended

There was that urgency to get to the desired location…the end of the block

But it was important to look at and enjoy the scenery along the way and to get back after the knock

So…I wasn’t stolen nor did I have any of my possessions stolen and most importantly… I didn’t become a Whoonga addict! What a miracle? I will be honest, these were a few of the thoughts that ran through my mind upon finding out that I was placed in the X community. Prior to entering into the community block, I read and familiarised myself with books and articles about community practice (see reference list). As much as this insight and knowledge was helpful, it was only once I started the block that the information began falling into place. Still, not all the information found in research rang true to the experiences I had. I must admit, as much I told myself to approach the block and the X community (known for high crime rates and drug abuse) with an open mind, there were still prejudice’s and biases that I had about this community. Plus having my mum constantly remind me to ‘be careful’  and the  university bus driver constantly warning us to be careful of the ‘ Whoonga Boys’ didn’t do my mind-set any justice. There were times when I even started to question whether I was being a racist or just a realist?  However, I am pleased to report that that this was not the case, in fact it was quite the contrary, and now I feel like a fool for the preconceived ideas and biases that I had but let’s be honest, in South Africa…a little vigilance doesn’t hurt. The majority of my experiences in the X community have been so insightful, pleasant and eye-opening. I felt as though I was able to experience the true nature of a community, in the true sense of the word. (Sarason (1974) defines community as a ‘readily available, mutually supportive network of relationships on which one could depend.’). Most of the people within the community were friendly and welcoming.  From the people on the street that I walked past to the gentleman selling fruits and chips (despite the fact that he did want to rip me off) and to the cement brick makers (refer to my 3rd Blog) who were more than willingly to allow me to observe and participate in their daily occupation. These people and these experiences made the scenery along the journey really pleasant.

There were a few minor bumps, or in our South African context potholes, in the road. There were times when I felt isolated and as if I was being gawked at or made fun of. The only thing that I could pin it down to was my attempts at speaking isiZulu... which personally I don’t think is that bad, surely? One particular experience stands out. When approaching the vendors outside the clinic ,in an attempt to create awareness and spread the word about OT services, quite a few of these individuals were not interested in listening to what I had to say and with a flick of their wrists I was shooed away  as if I were an annoying fly. I really couldn’t wrap my head around their response, I felt as though they were being ‘ungrateful’ as I was only there to create awareness in an attempt to assist people in the community needing OT intervention. When I tried to rationalise their response, I put myself in their position. It was only then that I realised that I was being a bit hypocritical. If someone, younger than me, had to approach me and couldn’t speak fluent English, I would probably respond in a similar manner in addition, these individuals were there to make a living and I was interrupting this process.

But then again which road in our country is bump/pothole free???

In my four years of studying OT, I don’t think I have worked as hard and as consistently as I have for my community block. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not afraid of hard work…but EISH! The amount of work that was required this block was intense. 

There was always something that needed to be done or somewhere we needed to go. My theme song for the block was ‘Work’ by Rihanna because all I felt like I was doing was ‘work, work, work, work, work’.  There were days when I just wanted to curl up in the foetal position and hide from all the responsibilities. But being the OCD person that I am, I wasn’t going to let bumps /potholes in the road get in the way of reaching our final destination. Having multiple  different assessment components (blogs, essays, tuts, presentations etc.) really forced me to think…think about the broader picture…think about and interpret things from a multi-dimensional perspective…which I guess working in a community is all about because I had to look at the client’s that I was treating holistically. The comprehensive and very intense feedback (I’m referring to my presentation…in case that wasn’t clear) and discussions were at times strenuous on the mind but I believe that I have gained so much knowledge and insight which I can apply throughout my OT career.  

Looking back, the first week was a disaster probably because the ‘vehicle’ was still new, however when we became more familiar with how to ‘drive it’ our feet were glued to the accelerator. It also didn’t help that the previous group didn’t give us as many directions as we needed, consequently, we got lost at first and had to ‘reroute’ multiple times. Therefore, from this experience, my group have made sure that the next block of students have a detailed map and access to ‘GPS’ services (in the form of a what Sapp group) to get assistance. In addition, 90% of the work was group work…which is always fun (note the sarcasm). Perhaps I buried my head in the sand, but I didn’t sense any tension amongst my fellow group members, and in the beginning we were working well as a team but I guess like any long road trip, ‘cabin-fever’ is likely to have an effect. The continuous close proximity resulted in tension and friction amongst members along the way which eventually culminated in feuds when everyone’s stress levels were through the roof. I have and still am attempting to restore peace and hopefully harmony will prevail… fingers crossed.

I guess that the biggest lesson I have learned from this block and as cliché as it sounds, is that it’s important not to fall apart when things don’t go according to plan. Being OCD (I know keep saying this-but I haven’t been formally diagnosed, yet…) this has always been difficult for me to come to terms with. Somehow I have always managed to control the events in my life however over the community block, there were numerous instances throughout the block when meetings were cancelled, plans or aims were not met or could not be followed through and new plans had to be formulated. Being involved in an accident and not being able to be with my team when presenting our hard work was another example of something that was really out of my control. From these experiences, I have learned that life, like driving, requires constant adjustment…whether it is turning a bit to the right or a bit to the left, it’s never a straight and bump free journey…

  (P.s I’m thrilled that I will finally be able to have more than 5 hours of sleep again!)

References:

Tareen, E. & Omar, M. (1997) Community entry: An essential component of participation. Health Manpower Management, 23(3), 97 – 99.

McColl M. (1997). What do we need to know to practice occupational therapy in the community? The American Journal of Occupational Therapy, 52(1), 11 -18.

Meyers, S. K. (2010). Community practice in occupational therapy: A guide to serving the community. Sudbury, Mass: Jones and Bartlett Publishers.

Muñoz, J. (2007). Culturally responsive caring in occupational therapy. Occupational Therapy International, 14(4), 256-280.

Vermeulen, N. (2015). Students’ fieldwork experiences of using community entry skills within community development. South African Journal of Occupational Therapy, 45(2), 51-55.