#not that this is not a 'pronouns are stupid' post i am not against ppl choosing their pronouns

[mygenderisstillblurry]

I don't want to have to think about pronouns anymore. I don't want to tell people what pronouns to use for me. I don't want to worry about which ones are "correct". I don't want to worry about going out in public and making sure the people I'm with use pronouns that match the situation. I don't want to be referred to with pronouns! I just want to exist.

[90sdiablo]

would ya look at that? someone had the audacity to misgender me in an argument before I blocked them.

[marshadowstea]

Woah who tf am i?

Hi to all the adorable ppl who see this <33

Uh this is just a blog i have for my art, stupid stories and stuff i do and maybe nsfw stuff. I tend to get excited when interacting with blogs and I spam like, if its an issue please let me know and if you have a rule against it and its stated I‘ll do my best to follow it.

My name’s Marsh and u can call me Marshie as a nickname if you’d like :] im 20 years old and in the US (EST), im afrolatina and afab

I use all pronouns (they change lots) but mostly it/its, they/them, she/her and he/him. just because i use she/her, that doesnt mean im a girl. Im still a sick and twisted little fag of a bunny

@voluptuous-napkin little cage one bedroom boy. hes not a little dog piggy, hes a big boy with big dreams /ref (my bf)

i love pokémon, Steven Universe, Over the Garden Wall, Totk, botw and kirby! i love a lot of things so whatever i post about is probably something i like a lot :]

Also dms are open so feel free to talk and message for whatever you want but please dont be weird or rude <33 I love making new friends so dont be shy (im a hypocrite, im shy)

Since this blog is nsfw, i will post nsfw things (duh) and some of those kinks can potentially be triggering and maybe a bit harder. mainly cnc, somno, masochism and sadism, intox and more. these things will be tagged so feel free to block those tags.

DNI if you’re: an ageless blog, a minor, a transphobe and homophobe, a racist, a bigot in general, a nazi, a terf, a pedo/map, zoo, or you have a blog that posts about ED’s or feeder/chaser things

But other then that, i hope we can have fun in my blog together and ilysm 🫶

tags i use 💕

#marsh with mic because i realized i can literally just talk on tumblr

#art but from marsh�� my art stuff

#yum a mutual pretty self explanatory

and i dont usually get asks but in the rare chance i do, #woah a wild ask

[legion-gringo]

// this is heavy and personal //

It's supposed to be my 4 year HRTiversary but something happened.

A few months back I stopped feeling as much like a girl, then I started taking T as well as E, then I stopped taking E, then I stopped wearing women's clothing then I stopped wearing makeup. I might go back to E/being a girl at a later date, but I might not.

Now I wear suits, use the men's toilets, go by he him pronouns, and I'm happy - or as happy as I was as a girl. I still feel trans, but I'm not really transfeminine at this point, and I'm clearly not transmasc either.

I don't think i count as transmisogyny affected, even. I just seem to most people like an effeminate gay man (they're not wrong, but it's more complicated than that, same as it is for anyone really)

I don't have any regrets - I look at my tits (small and perky) and I think they're neat. I like that estrogen gave me a softness and a connection to my emotions I had previously been lacking, but I like that T has given me the composure and poise to push back the tears and communicate to ppl how I feel instead of just falling apart and letting people see how I feel from that.

It's hard though. Am I detrans? Not really but I do make some people uncomfortable, I suspect. Or a joke that I could have made without a second thought suddenly becomes a minefield of "is he allowed to say that"

There's another detrans grifter in the media. This one is complaining that testosterone made him bald so he "may as well" keep being a guy even tho he regrets it. Fuckin idiot. Men go bald. If I go bald I think I'm gonna cry, (only I can't cry now.) Does this make me a hypocrite?

What's a HRTiversary anyway - it's a big deal for some, for others it's just "the earliest date possible they could get on hrt."

There's other people like me, irl and online, doing similar things - retransitioning rather than detransitioning - but I don't really feel that connected to them either. I know people desperate to tell you that they're a boy (but a girl really!!!!) and try and look as clocky as possible - this reads as weirdly transphobic against the tboys. There's a way to honor and appreciate trans beauty without fetishising clockiness, that's chasershit to me.

Idk where I'm going with this tbh. I don't really understand it but I am starting to resent the constant attempt by other trans people to categorise me into something safe, or at least nameable .

"so have you detransitioned"

"no"

"so you're still a girl"

"kind of but not really"

"are you a man?"

"yeah I guess"

"oh you're nonbinary"

"no"

"oh! You're genderfluid"

"idk no I don't think so"

"oh you're just nonbinary but you don't like the word"

"..."

It's funny as well how many people are completely in denial about what's happening in the same way that my family/coworkers were at the start of my first transition.

*turns up to a party in a suit*

"gurl you look amazing"

*uses men's bathrooms*

"wow she's so fierce"

*gently corrects misgendering*

"Hun you are so butch"

What I've really learned as well is how fuckin godawful girlie culture is from the outside. You go to a trans night in London and everyone's making the same tired jokes about praise kinks and headpats, catgirls and thighhighs, whether they're 19 or 50. Some stranger tried to pat my head at a punk gig my girlfriend was playing back in april and I told her to go fuck herself. If I tried that now I'd probably get booted from the community. Fuckin hell we got Imogen Binnie, Lou Sullivan, yknow there's actual cool parts of The Culture that you can engage with/riff on (like Jackie Ess did with Darryl and its links to Nevada) - why are we content with memes about sword lesbians and blahaj?

I'm part of the problem, too! I did that stupid "gifted boy to burnout girl with a praise kink" post from last year that I've seen go around twitter, Facebook, insta, tiktok, I'm feeding the cultural rot.

I fully expect to lose followers over this, cause it's upsetting to hear. i avoided detransitioners (still not a word i identify with) like the plague ever since i transitioned, not just cause they're normally creepy and weird but i think i genuinely believed that they'd somehow social-contagion me (Torrey Peters is occasionally capable of making a salient point, turns out!)

Anyway whatever. Burn it all down. Love and solidarity to my trans siblings, if this is creepy and weird to hear, catch you on the flipside in like 6 months when i get bored of this and go back to being a girlie

[eroticcannibal]

Yanno - honestly? Those shipping fandom fuckers need to shut the fuck up. ON BOTH SIDES. Like, honestly, fuck both parties because I stg, they are so terminally grounded in fantasy they fucking don't know when to separate their stupid make believe arguments from real life shit.

Here is you, talking about how you are tired and fed up of hate-anons involving YOUR REAL LIFE CHILD in their violent fantasies because of their Contempt Towards You. Those people will never be safe around real children because anger and hatred towards a person are very real reasons child abusers have chosen to abuse a child.

You have EVERY RIGHT to talk about how Those People need to fuck of and that there's More Wrong with Them than you because they think you being disabled, nondivergent, queer, kinky/sexually active (WITH YOUR GF), use your child's nickname & pronouns, homeschooling, AND refuse to divulge further and inherently more private information about your child (I've been following you long enough to remember how such "but think of the children! we must protect the children" anon were obsessed and upset when you would not discuss your child's agab or name with them) makes you "unsafe" around your kid because they're "clearly safer"...

And those fandom fucks look at that and decide, "How can I make this about my blorbos? How can I take these very real problems against real people, with real harassment of violent fantasies involving real children, and use it for my side about what two fake and unreal characters from fictional writings should and shouldn't be shipped together?"

Read. The. Fucking. Room.

(Sorry, I'm very angry with how your discussion of real behavior towards real children was entirely derailed by stupid fake fictional bullshit. Anyone who participated in that should be fucking ashamed of themselves. So detached from reality you cannot even understand the gravity of the situation because for once it involves real people!)

Agree 100% and the disregard for real shit (yes on both sides, I know I tolerate more proshippers than antis but I've seen how plenty of ppl behave and I am not picking a fucking side) is why I just can't stand this discourse. Like cool I know fandom is important but GOD shut up for 5 minutes please. There are real life things that I care far more about.

And it happens on so many posts. Anything important will get derailed with bullshit fiction discourse eventually. I'm tired of it. Between making this shit about kid shipping and every fucker making the loss of trans rights in the UK some fandom shit I am gonna unplug tumblr until ppl can BEHAVE.

[wazzuppy]

BYF (OLD)

COMMISSIONS

help me afford new clothes

hello!! this is a big masterpost for information about my blog, including DNI list, a list of my triggers and sqicks, my other blogs, and more! PLEASE read this before you follow, or if we're mutuals.

DO NOT INTERACT:

do NOT interact with me if you support or are any of the following things!

if there is an "x" next to it, i've linked something that explains why i don't support it and don't want people who do to interact with me or my blog.

if you have any questions, feel free to ask! i'm happy to elaborate <3

maps/pears/pedos

s*xual agere

terf/tirf/swerf/radfem/super straight

anti-anti/pro ship

if you think fiction doesnt effect reality

truscum/transmed/trumed

abuse

ableist

racist

support pewdiepie

support the dream smp (x)

support the game grumps

anti-abortion

facist

exclusionist

against the lgbtqia+ community at all

incest

support cringe culture

fatphobic

think that "blackwashing" is the same as whitewashing

against anyone using their desired pronouns, regardless of gender (example: lesbians using he/him, nonbinary people using neopronouns or binary pronouns)

fetishize mlm or wlw relationships/fujoshi/fudanshi

use slurs when you cant reclaim them

xenophobic

defend rapists

anti-neopronouns

anti-mogai

anti-kin

anti-self ship

think only lesbians can use butch/femme

think people with psychosis, schizophrenia, DID, ect are "dangerous" or "scary."

think that found family isn't a real family

bi/pan lesbian

support trump

nft/crypto

if you're an nsfw account (i'm a minor)

SOFT DNI

if you romantically self ship with donnie (rottmnt), i'd prefer if you didn't interact. its genuinely nothing personal, its just for my own comfort.

BASIC INFO/ABOUT ME:

hi!! my name is tara, but i also go by the names wazzup, fennie, duck, lolly, and minnie; please feel free to use any and all of them! i use she/her pronouns primarily, but also use they/them and squi/squish-- which pronouns i'm using at the moment will change, so check my bio every once and a while if you wanna be sure (i also have a pronouns page if you wanna check it!!) i'm 16 years old. im asexual and pan-fictoromantic (i consider myself aromantic bc im not attracted to like. actual ppl dhgjdhfj), and i am afab bigenderflux (fem & squishmallowgender). i have anxiety, depression, gerd, and adhd and autism (although i have not been officially diagnosed with adhd or autism due to a lack of resources, i am very certain i am not neurotypical). also, i use tumblr mobile!

some important tags are: "#tara says stuff", which is for when i talk about whatever is on my mind; "#vent" which is for when i make vent posts; "#stuff i made" and my old tag, "#tara makes a thing", which is for content that i create myself (such as edits, memes, ect); "#important" which is for things such as donations and carrds and urgent news. some things will also be tagged as "#thing tw" (for example: blood tw, flashing tw, bright colors tw). i also will put "#ask to tag" if i'm worried something will be upsetting but am unsure of how to tag it. so, if you'd like me to tag something, ask me and i will!! 💕

TRIGGERS & SQUICKS

mutuals PLEASE tag posts that contain any of these as "#tara dont look" (with or without a ' sign, both are blocked). 💕

steven universe

truancy

being taken away from your parents (only applies to parents that are good to you or that you actually consider family)

my birthday (i have really bad chronophobia and gerascophbia, so it tends to be extreamely difficult for me to handle)

calling characters that show signs of neurodivergency dumb, stupid, weird, or annoying

animal death or injury, especially pets

high-pitched/shrill sounds

the x files

referring to me as ze/zir

douxie casperan (tales of arcadia), krel tarron (tales of arcadia), katsuki bakugou (my hero academia), mark beaks (ducktales), shadow the hedgehog (sonic), hatsune miku (vocaloid), and especially donnie (rottmnt) and red son (monkie kid) being shipped with anyone.

shipping the any of the triple threat (henry stickmin) together.

shipping kenning flugslys (villainous) with anyone but especially miss heed

comparing red son and donnie to each other

MY FANDOMS/INTERESTS:

note: i'm critical of all of them, although some more so than others.

note #2 (electric boogaloo): if the text is in bold and italics, that means it's my current hyperfixation. if it's pink text, it's my special interest.

101 dalmatian street

ace attorney

animaniacs

animal crossing

barbie

big time rush (the show not the irl band hdgjhdgjhd)

crash bandicoot

darkwing duck (1991)

disney channel/disney xd sitcoms (primarily mighty med and lab rats)

ducktales (2017)

epithet erased

fashion

henry stickmin

ikenfell

kagerou project

kingdom hearts

kirby

legend of zelda

madoka magica

mario

milgram

monkie kid

ninjago

owl house

phineas & ferb/milo murphys law

pokémon

pretty cure

psychonauts

sanrio/san-x

aggretsuko

sonic the hedgehog

studio ghibli

tales of arcadia

teenage mutant ninja turtles (especially rottmnt)

undertale/deltarune

villainous

vocaloid

watcher/buzzfeed unsolved, they r the only youtubers i would ever be in a fandom for

MY OTHER BLOGS:

note that some are much, much more active than others.

main: @wazzuppy

self ship blog: @blushxblush

kin blog: @madohomu-kins

editing blog: @wazzuppy-edits

kagepro blog: @lets-daze

rottmnt/tmnt blog: @donnies--jacket

monkie kid blog: @funkie-monkie

barbie/childhood blog: @disastersapphicbarbie

epithet erased blog: @mollywollydolly

milgram blog: @mahiruuu

other: @wazzuppy-reblogs

~~~~~

thank u for reading until the end ily 💕💗💝💞💓💘💖

[thebuggyy]

ok so. i was not aware of this until a few minutes ago, but sam smith recently announced publically that they now use they/them pronouns (yay!). i found this out from a post on r/unpopularopinions and it unfortunately a blatantly transphobic post.

what is so terrible about it is that there was a 77% agree tag on it.

77%. agreed.

you may be wondering. ‘but evan, what if they just didn’t understand it? they’re confused!’ and to that i say: stop and consider you’re saying. 

now maybe you need to read the actual post. so now, i’m going to painstakingly go through that post sentence by sentence. or maybe a couple sentences at a time.

i’d like to note that i while i am not nonbinary, i am trans myself. please do reblog with comments on anything in this post, i am very interested to see people’s opinions. while cis ppl can and should reblog, i will not tolerate transphobia. don’t be a fool.

so the title of the post:

We need broader acceptance of individuality, NOT more pronouns or genders.

when i saw this i thought, okay, but what does individuality mean? what more pronouns and genders? are they perhaps in anger against MOGAI genders/sexualities? either way, i was not prepared for the actual post at all.

I was reading an article about pop-star Sam Smith where he asks to go by “they” rather than “him”, because he has never felt like a man or a woman.

okay. okay. first off. the disrespect in this poster’s words is maybe not apparent yet, except for the fact that they misgender sam smith immediately. and it’s as they’re explaining that sam smith uses they/them pronouns! still, this didn’t prepare me for what was to come.

Quite frankly, I find it utterly stupid. It has no bearing on your life or mine, and Sam Smith or anyone else is free to do and say whatever they please, but I can’t help but think that it’s the wrong approach.

you find it stupid? okay, yes, it doesn’t have any bearing on either of our lives. but that doesn’t mean you can’t give them the respect that they politely requested you give them by asking you to use they/them pronouns for them. it’s literally just human decency. that’s it. they’re not asking you to focus on them! just to use they/them pronouns if you do! and look, you’ve already fucked it up.

Sam Smith is a man, because you know... biology.

i’d like to mention that in one of their comments on this post, they tell someone that “Horseshit. This has nothing to do with transphobia.”

. . .

this is the definition of transphobia.

you know what’s on the wikipedia page for transphobia?

MISGENDERING. and what do we see this reddit user doing throughout this post? misgendering. this entire post is transphobic.

moving on.

I can understand that he perhaps doesn’t identify with traditional male stereotypes, but surely the answer is not to change our language.

listen. i have a lot to say about this. again, this reddit user uses he to refer to sam smith (misgendering them, yet again. another point for transphobia!).

when someone comes out as nonbinary, it’s not because they don’t identify with stereotypes. it’s because they don’t identify with the gender they were assigned at birth. that’s it. that’s being trans. by itself, wanting to wear makeup or a dress is not what makes someone trans. yes, that often does come with someone transitioning to be female, but that’s because they are searching to feel feminine, not because they want to break the male stereotype.

it’s not about being a different kind of man for sam smith, it’s about being neither  a man nor a woman. plain and simple.

and don’t even get me started on the changing our language bit.

singular they, according to wonderful wikipedia, has been in use since the 14th century. this isn’t new. this isn’t changing the language, and that is not a valid excuse to misgender someone.

also, sidenote, but even if it WAS new, two things:

1. languages change and evolve. when was the last time you used thou and thy unironically? that’s language changing, baby

2. IT’S CALLED BASIC HUMAN DECENCY AND RESPECTING THEIR WISHES.

Would it not be better to raise awareness, and gradually broaden our perspective on what’s accepted and what isn’t for men or women?

raising awareness on breaking stereotypes is all well and good. but i despise it being used as an argument to not respect people.

is it not hypocritical to say that we should ‘broaden our perspective on what’s accepted and what isn’t for men or women’ and then completely destroy that argument by not accepting sam smith’s request to use they/them pronouns? it literally takes zero effort to NOT write a whole post about how nonbinary ppl are stupid, and you still did it! you put MORE effort into NOT spreading awareness about acceptance, and instead wrote a transphobic post about how we should ignore someone asking for acceptance.

the bullshit meter is off the charts.

Surely that’s more productive rather than confusing the hell out of people with new pronouns depending on the personality of a person?

what does the end of this sentence even mean?? the personality of the person??? and also, sam smith is deliberately giving you the opportunity to not be confused. they came out very publically and stated what pronouns they are going by. they did NOT just start getting mad at ppl for using he/him.

this article compiles sam smith’s tweets/instagram captions on the matter. you’ll note that they specifically state that they will try and help people to understand what they mean by all of this, and they also tag activists in the trans/nb community who specifically helped them understand their identity.

when sam smith is giving all of these resources, i will simply not accept blatant transphobia under the guise of confusion. confusion does not mean you have to write an entire post about how nonbinary people are trying to confuse people.

in conclusion.

support sam smith and their coming out. don’t be transphobic. love nonbinary people. love people because they are people, not because you’re not “confused” by them.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[himbo-prime]

I wanna know about your super precious boyfriend

*PEERS*I don’t know if this is just u being goofy and NOT GOING TO BED BUT I WILL TAKE LITERALLY ANY OPPORTUNITY TO GUSH ABT MY AMAZING BF!! *DROPS A KEEP READING BREAK FOR PPL WHO DONT WANNA SEE MY SAPPY ASS GUSH*

we met over a year ago in discord thanks to the8bitdrummer who is a super positive, cheerful, extremely talented dude who improvs drumming to literally Any Song Ever on twitch

he had a discord server n we hit it off there and like a couple months after we met we were in this voice chat in my own server and it was me, him, and another friend of ours named Corm and cub just casually slipped this bs into voice chat “i mean everyone knows i like you but,” and i just fuckin fell apart and i’ve never been more flustered in my life tbh it’s still a really fond memory for me 

but like we both kinda ,, rushed into it and it was kinda sloppy and the relationship fell apart kinda fast and it was sad,, but in retrospect i’m glad we had that experience because went through SO MUCH ShIT together cause of it. like. every single thing life could possibly throw at us it did. more shitty relationships on my part, a failed polyamorous relationship that left all of us in tatters, emotional shitstorms and Real Life being a total dick, but somehow, we stuck through it. cub went from being a bit of a flopped relationship and awkward friendship to being my closest friend, confidante, and someone i knew would come to defend me even when i was 110% convinced i didn’t deserve it. he supported me through all my 500 different identity crises, spearheaded the efforts in my server to adjust to my new pronouns and ultimately boosted my self-esteem more than it’s ever been before. i am who i am now because of his support. 

until recently i tried to keep things kinda down low abt it cause i was with my ex, and even though that relationship was going downhill so so fast i didn’t wanna cross any lines. but we kinda,, re-confessed to each other shortly before the end of it. i had somehow convinced myself that he’d moved on because he did such a good job about keeping it under wraps and being an amazing friend to me even when i bitched to him about my ex and the troubles we were having. i was honestly startled to learn he still loved me through it all. 

and then we got to meet irl a little less than a month ago. *hoo boy*

that was literally the best day of my life, and i’m so sad i only had one day w/ him

his parents hate me so i was so scared of meeting them, but they wanted to see me in person and assess who I really was I guess and i did my best to b polite but i was so scared y’all i was finna Piss Myself right in front of these two and Cub (who was not yet my bf again yet) and my parents didn’t look any better either

but miraculously they didn’t call down a lightning bolt from God on me and they left and cub and i got to wander around the zoo together. 

y’all

cub was so fuckin cute i can’t e v e n. kept pointing out to me that he was rly nervous/awkward and i was (miraculously) totally calm/cool about it and was like no dude ur good i’m just glad you’re here, i literally don’t expect anything from you (”that’s somehow worse”, i remember him saying) 

then ok there’s this fuckin

train that goes around the zoo and it’s literally just supposed to be for little kids and their mothers but we got on it anyway and That’s Where Stuff Started Happening, right there on that stupid plywood train that went all of 3 miles per hour in a big, 4-minute circle

i don’t remember what he said but it was fuckin adorable and i told him as much and like nudged up against him and was like UR FUCKIN CUTE and he flustered so hard and it was ,, fuckin Light Of My Life man i’ve never been more amazed that so much cute could exist in a single person

and a bit after that (i think) he put his hand on my leg and was like “is this awkward” and i took his hand and held it and was like “hell no it ain’t”

the rest of the day went so much smoother after that breakthrough; he didn’t feel awkward anymore and i kept fuckin STARING AT HIM BC HIS EYES ARE BEAUTIFUL AND I COULDNT BELIEVE HE WAS W/ ME 

he kept sayin some rly sappy shit to me all day and we were both flustered as fuck like a solid 80% of the time i think but i’ve never been happier 

towards the end of the evening we were chillin in my hotel’s lobby, cause my parents went to bed early (we’d been up since 4am) and we wanted a bit of time to ourselves i guess, and 

we were sitting on this couch, next to a fireplace, lookin out like 10 windows while the sun finished setting and he faux-casually goes “y’know i’ve never been kissed” FAM!! FAM I WAS SO NERVOUS I FUCKIN DIE DUDE I WANTED TO KISS HIM LIKE LITERALLY ALL DAY BUT NOW I WAS FINNA DO IT AND MY NERVES!!! MY NERVESSSSS

i’m ,, so glad i managed the courage tho that kiss (and the goodnight kiss a bit later) was like,, the highlight of my Life and i wish i could do it again like a thousand times fuk i’m hella gay y’all 

anyway i just , really love him i know this post is super long and it’s way longer than i meant it to be but i’m so gay. so so gay. he’s my soft boy and i wouldn’t trade him for anything and i can’t wait to be with him again fuck @alchemicalraven I LOVE YOU SO MUCH OKAY ?? SHIT DUDe

*floats into the gay-ass abyss* goodbye i’m deceased