#not that it's hard to beat 'kurt fucks his sister' anyway

[ghost-museum]

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Ciao Bella! Thinking about Puck and fatherhood got me wondering how you'd imagine Puckurt as parents. Surely they bring such different things into the situation based on their own experiences and I'm fascinated by the contrast between Burt and Puck's dead beat dad. Would they even have kids? How would Kurt talk Puck through potential doubts because he feels like he already failed one kid?

Ohhhh my god this is such a wonderful question. And also, sorry for taking two months to answer you lol

Okay so first things first, yeah they absolutely would have kids. I can see Kurt going either way with having vs not having kids, my headcanons for that are very ship-dependent. Puckurt though, they definitely have kids; Kurt wants them of course, he wouldn't do something like that unless he really did want to, but Puck really wants it. Puck wants so badly to be a father, to the point I think it might actually be a deal breaker for him if the person he was with didn't want kids.

And I think they'd be great parents. They both have a lot of love to give, they love so strongly that I think they'd create a great environment for whatever children they may have. I see Puck as being the more fun and goofy dad usually, but he would also be a bit over protective in certain situations I think - like if another kid was giving his kid a hard time at school, I feel he'd have a strong reaction to that. Kurt on the other hand would be a bit more level-headed in a situation like that, he could step in and reign Puck in a bit and look at things a little more objectively. He would still be very warm with his kids but he'd be a bit less "goofy" and a little more like a rock, very calm and safe. They'd make an effort to do things together as a family frequently; family dinners, occasional trips, going out to something fun like a movie in the evenings. I also think they're the kind of parents who, when their kids are old enough to be embarrassed by them, would sometimes go out of their way to embarrass them just a little or make them roll their eyes just because it's funny.

The contrast of Burt vs Puck's dead beat is really interesting. With Puck, I think it really is a big motivator for wanting to be the best he can be, which on one hand is good because it does make him better, but on the other it results in him putting a lot of unnecessary pressure on himself when he would probably be a great father regardless. Kurt still puts pressure on himself, but not nearly as much, because while Burt was an amazing dad he also made mistakes along the way, and Kurt sees that and recognizes that even if he makes a mistake it's not the end of the world; and I think that's a really big thing he would use to talk Puck down when he's overthinking. He could just give an example of a time that Burt fucked something similar up, but that things turned out fine. I think Burt and Puck would get along spectacularly, and Burt would very much be a father figure to Puck, so I'm convinced this type of argument would work really well.

I also think it's work noting that Kurt lost his mother when he was young, so he grew up without her in his life, and that had a really big impact on him. I could see that being a source of anxiety for him; I can imagine him basically having a whole plan for what would happen if either he or Puck died, it being part of the reason for doing so many things as a family because he really wants them to have as many memories as they can (he'd want that anyway, but this is still definitely an influence), and I think he'd also actually make a point to have a female friend or two (or possibly Puck's sister as the aunt) quite involved because he missed out on having a mother figure for a lot of his life, and while two dads are perfectly capable of parenting without a woman being involved I think he would still want his kids to have as much support as possible, especially if they have a daughter who might be more comfortable going to a woman about certain things.

[nightcoremoon]

here's some controversy that has nothing to do with social issues.

a lot of people hate the band five finger death punch. saying those words provoked a visceral response in half the people reading this, and a "who?" in the other half. they're a groove metal band; similar to slipknot, mudvayne, disturbed, all that remains, system of a down, korn, and killswitch engage. they're one of those really controversial bands that are hated because they're ~not real metal~ by dumbshits who think that NWOBHM is the only valid metal genre. even though england ruined metal and punk but that's a conbfetsation for another day.

now, if you just don't like metal, that's fine. I don't expect everyone to like every genre. so obviously you won't like them, or any band in the genre. obviously. and these are not the people who are being targeted with this post. no, this goes to those who love metallica, ozzy, megadeth, slayer, pantera, testament, opeth, tool, manowar, meshuggah, children of bodom, cannibal corpse, fear factory, mercyful fate: this is to the people who love metal. now, I say this as one of us, but metalheads are one of the most judgmental groups of people in history. and frequently I find that metalheads make the same remarks in regards to their opinions on five finger death punch.

they do nothing but covers. they just yell and cuss. forty year old men with teenage angst. bad musicianship. they look stupid. they fuck their sisters and daughters. they sold out to the military. they're gay. they do too many ballads. they're redneck bait. they're toxic masculinity and macho personified. they rely on guest stars to carry their songs. they're talentless hacks.

these are all complaints I've heard multiple times from multiple people. and frankly I'm sick of it. I'm sick of hearing the bullshit complaints rather than the ACTUAL REASONS why they aren't the best band in the world. which I'll go through now.

they have an overreliance on breakdowns as if they were a post-hardcore band but they're not. breaking benjamin also skirts the line between post-grunge metal and post-hardcore and have many breakdowns, but the difference is that BB's breakdowns have math rock roots and use different patterns that syncopate well. five finger's breakdowns are... eighth notes. it's the difference between, say, black veil brides- who have excellent syncopated breakdowns- and as I lay dying, who have shitty and boring breakdowns. the only difference is that AILD has blast beats (and is fronted by an abusive asshole), and five finger has... ivan growling threats or whatever because they think that it sounds cool to have metal blaring while he says shit like "you wanna disrespect me? I will slap you so fucking hard you'll feel like you kissed a freight train, fuck you," or "if there was ever a time for you to back the fuck up it's right fuckin here and right fuckin now" or "it's not the size of the dog in the fight it's the size of the fight in the dog," or "in the end we're all just chalk lines on the concrete, drawn only to be washed away; in the time that I've been given, I am what I am", etc, all preceding screams. and no these are not exaggerations, these are literally exact quotes. there's also one that plays radio chatter from the military while he goes "hut hut oorah", which is different slightly. and in any case, they have done nearly a hundred different solos over their career, there is NO REASON for them to have such a ridiculous amount of breakdowns. they rival memphis may fire in that regard, but MMF actually has great breakdowns. churko is a metal producer, NOT a hardcore producer, and they sound empty when you strip out the vocals.

sometimes they will overuse a chorus, and hit the pop music pitfalls of having a song that's over half chorus. I'm sure they did this so the label would be happy with singles because the music industry is a commercialized garbage fire and holding it against the artists would be so fucking stupid especially since tool (the best metal band in existence) fucking said it best, "all you know about me is what I sold you, I sold out long before you ever knew my name, I sold my soul to make a record, dipshit, then you bought one; I've got some advice for you little buddy, before you point your finger you should know that I'm the man and if I'm the man then he's he man and you're the man as well so you can take that fucking finger and shove it up your ass". translation; the fact that you know a band at all means that they sold out to even exist in the first place because that's what selling out is. so even this complaint I have that sometimes they have repeated chorus is more of a complaint about a music industry which dumbs things down to sell radioplay to the lowest common denominator, which EVERY SINGLE ARTIST IS GUILTY OF. so moving on.

sometimes they'll have songs which are fairly simple from a harmonic/mechanical standpoint. opening verse chorus verse chorus solo bridge chorus chorus ending. verse goes some mix of eighth and quarter notes and rests in 4:4, solo is just the vocal line of the chorus, bass and drums are nonexistent and only serve to be a melodic backbone, and the music only exists to serve the lyrics... oh wait I can make the exact same arguments about metallica, rage against the machine, pantera, disturbed, and a hundred other bands. those guys aren't hated as much as five finger. hmm. wonder why.

the lyrics are often angsty. namely that they deal with honor, government corruption, mental illness, we live in a society, religious corruption, abandonment issues, recovering from toxic relationships, hey wait a minute these are all just insanely common topics for metal songs!

they usually play in the same key- wait shit every band has a favored key.

they do a lot of covers- wait shit they have literally more ALBUMS than covers.

(yeah that's weird to me too, but they only did a new level by pantera, from out of nowhere by faith no more, bad company by bad company, mama said knock you out by LL cool J, house of the rising sun by the animals, gone away by offspring, and blue on black by kenny wayne shepard... that's 7. they have 8 albums now.)

so shut the fuck up forever about the cover songs. metallica and the deftones and a perfect circle all had fucking cover ALBUMS, van halen only has a career because of the kinks, and every single rock band in the world is just ripping off the beatles, pink floyd, black sabbath, the who, led zeppelin, and cream. pick a legitimate reason to hate on a band, hypocrite.

alright what else...

"they're gay"

I'm not gonna dignify that with a response.

"they suck"

so does your favorite band. boom roasted.

"they're bad at music"

I'd like to see you do better then.

"they sold out to the military"

no they support the veterans and the troops; they fucking hate the military if you pay any attention at all. they believe in the good parts of the military that the government pays half our taxes to make us believe. you're not better than anyone else just because you see through one specific piece of propaganda because odds are you're blinded by another dozen. they write songs about how war is hell and how when vets come home they should be treated better. and anyway when you're in the dog eat dog world of the music industry hey guess what you need a market to sell to or else it's back to baskin robbins. I don't blame them for one second. if I had the option of endorsing cops to pay my bills you bet your ass I'll fly a blue lives matter flag and sell my soul to make money, and then donate shit to the black lives matter movement. flying a flag is worthless if I can do actual good with the money that those dumbasses send in. and name better irony than fighting to abolish a group that pays me to do it go on I'll wait.

"you're just a fanboy"

a) it's fangirl but metal elitists don't give a shit about the LGBTQ and b) just because I like a band doesn't in any way diminish the validity of my statements and any bias I might have is easily countered by whatever bias you might have and c) they're not even my favorite band you idiot I just think there's way worse out there just like I think it's unfair to say nickelback is the worst band in existence when drunk mom rock like hinder buckcherry savingabel and kidrock exists, and limp bizkit is standing right there, and d) they're not even the worst groove metal band, just look at fucking lamb of god, and e) if I was a fangirl I wouldn't have pointed out the flaws you fucking brainless troglodyte, and f) even if they were my favorite band in the world it doesn't matter if you think they suck because music taste is subjective anyway you goddamn moron. those guys write their own music, play their own music, perform their own music, and they love their fanbase more than most other bands. andrew biersack and kellin quinn and pepper keenan and glenn danzig and liam gallagher and axl rose and van halen and ted nugent and kurt cobain HATE their fans, or at least are huge fucking assholes. but not five finger. jeremy played until he literally broke his back; he's as devoted as phil collins, and if he made like atreyu and sang while drumming he'd be singing from a wheelchair, or like dave grohl when he broke his leg right in the middle of a concert, went to the hospital and got set and put in a cast, THEN CAME RIGHT BACK TO THE FUCKING SHOW AND PLAYED GUITAR AND SANG IN A CAST AND WHEELCHAIR. oh but wait, people say phil collins and dave grohl suck too, and turn around and suck mustaine's dick even though he's the biggest asshole in thrash metal behind tom araya and drunk james hetfield. point being, just because x doesn't like y doesn't diminish z's opinion.

"the singer fucked his daughter lol lol his grandchild is his son too lol lol his daughter is his wife lol lol it's funny because rednecks and incest lol lol" he's from colorado not alabama you dumb motherfuckers, and all the lol incest in georgia jokes are rooted in good ol yankee classism. also the guitarist is hungarian so the american redneck jokes don't even fuckin work. shut the hell up, you have all of the intellectual capacity of a common bog leech.

you can dislike the band. you can say you don't like it. you can say that you'd rather listen to different music. that's fine! that's okay! listen to justin bieber if you like him, listen to taylor swift if you like her, listen to new kids on the block if you want! I don't care! but stop expressing your opinions that you stole from someone else as fact. all you're doing is meme bandwagoning so you can find a community because you don't have the social skills necessary to meet people through the things you love so instead you try to pull serotonin out of making other people feel as miserable as you do.

with that being said, fuck all of the annoying dudebro douchebags who listen to the band and show 5FDP next to the confederate flag, blue lives matter flag, don't tread on me flag, punisher skull, trump sticker, and the crossed assault rifles on the back of your truck. you're all shit for reasons other than your music taste.

[lady-divine-writes]

Klaine one-shot “Pick and Choose” (Rated PG13)

Summary:

While having a drink together at Callbacks, Kurt and Rachel spy a handsome man sitting alone at the bar who seems to be interested at someone at their table.

They're just having a little trouble figuring out exactly who. (1858 words)

Read on AO3.

“He’s definitely gay,” Kurt declares as the man in question - sitting on a corner barstool at the exact perfect angle for Kurt and Rachel to ogle him equally - glances over. It isn’t the first time he’s noticed them. They’ve been staring at him hard for the past forty-five minutes. He can probably feel their eyes burning through his skull. This time, same as the others, he raises his beer to toast in their direction before taking a sip. Both pairs of eyes shift to his lips caressing the mouth of the bottle, then slide their way to the line of his neck lengthening as he leans his head back to suck down the last few mouthfuls of alcohol. When he’s done, he licks those sinful lips and tosses them a playful wink. The two friends catch their breath in unison.

“But how do you know?” Rachel asks. “What proof do you have?”

“What proof do you have that he’s straight?” Kurt says, sticking his nose in the air. “Besides, I don’t need proof. I just know. My intuition is that good.”

“Yeah,” she chuckles. “Right.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You forget – we went to high school together. Your intuition’s track record isn’t all that impressive.” Rachel raises her glass to the gentlemen at the bar in a similar toasting gesture, tosses him a similar flirty wink, and then takes a sip. But Kurt isn’t having it. He raises a hand off the table to brush a strand of hair away from his forehead, surreptitiously knocking the bottom of her glass with his knuckle. Sweet vermouth sloshes too quickly down her throat causing her to jerk back and sputter. It doesn’t help Kurt’s cause too much since the man at the bar had turned his head away in search of the bartender a second before, which that’s just as good since Kurt can admit it was a petty move.

Still, it made him feel better.

“No way he’s gay,” Rachel counters between coughs, glaring at Kurt as she pats her face dry with her napkin. “He’s been eye-fucking me for the last twenty minutes.”

Kurt laughs out loud. It gets the man’s attention. Sultry eyes find Kurt’s and hold them. His heart skips a beat.

“Oh no, my dear. That’s not eye-fucking ...” Kurt stops when the man raises an eyebrow. He realizes he must have read the word ‘fucking’ on his lips and his eyes open wide. The corner of the man’s mouth curls in amusement and Kurt blushes a deep cherry red. He prays the man doesn’t notice, but that’s the thing about Callbacks. For a piano bar, they keep the interior relatively well-lit. “That’s the look of confusion a person gets when they’re sure they’ve seen someone quasi famous but can’t place them.”

“Quasi? May I remind you that I was the lead actress in a beloved Broadway musical!?”

“Yeah, for about a week.”

“And I was on TV! Starring in my own show!”

“Again for about a week. Sorry. He may be looking at you occasionally, but the person he’s undressing with his eyes is me.”

The man chuckles, his gaze fixed on Kurt’s mouth, drawn to every word tumbling from his lips. His eyes catch the light overhead and they sparkle. That suggestive grin of his is like a fine wine – smooth, rich, subtly intoxicating in a way that sneaks up on you before you know you’ve had too much and makes you dizzy for hours. Kurt rests his cheek against his palm and sighs. It’s been a hot minute since a man has had this lovesick schoolboy effect on him, but he can’t help himself. The man at the bar, in his camel-colored slacks, button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and soft frame of curls surrounding his expressive face is exactly his type. He ticks all the boxes on Kurt’s dream guy checklist – appearance wise, anyway. If he has half as much personality as his half-cocked smile does, Kurt is in real danger of falling hard and fast for a stranger. If he could only convince Rachel to back off for five freakin’ minutes, maybe make a run to the bathroom so Kurt can approach the man and say hi. He hatches a plan. He’ll wait for her to take another sip of her drink. If he can get her to spill it down the front of her top this time, maybe he can …

“There’s only one way to solve this conundrum that I can see,” Rachel says, pushing back from the table and rising to her feet.

“And what’s that?” Kurt follows suit, because if Rachel Berry is about to do a single thing to sabotage his chances with this man, he wants to be right there next to her to hogtie and gag her if need be.

“We’ll both offer to buy him a drink, and see whose offer he accepts.”

“That’s … actually a good idea,” Kurt says, weeding his way around the tables to his left in an effort to get to the man first.

“Isn’t it?” Rachel says smugly. “Just remember, no matter what, we remain civil, and we stay friends.”

“Of course. But I need you to remember something, too.”

“What’s that?”

“After he accepts my offer and you head home, feed the cat? She must be starving.”

Rachel snorts in offense, but before she can retort, they arrive. They surround the man like juvenile lions – over-zealous, fidgety, and outmatched.

“Good evening,” the man says in a voice like silk and chocolate – two of Kurt’s favorite things. “I’m glad you finally decided to join me.”

“Look,” Rachel starts, getting the jump before Kurt can open his mouth, “this might sound odd, but …” For some reason, she stalls. Kurt side-eyes her, wondering if she’s about to deviate from the plan and stab him in the back instead.

“But?”

“But,” Kurt leaps in, debating for a second whether or not he should steal the chance to plunge his own proverbial dagger between Rachel’s thin shoulder blades, “we’ve both been watching you all night, and as creepy as that sounds …”

“… one of us would like to buy you a drink.”

The man’s eyes – a delectable honey-gold from close up - dance from one face to the other. “Is that right?”

“Yes. It’s just … uh …”

“… we need you to pick which one.”

And with that revelation, the man’s smile goes from bright to blinding. “I see. Well, that’s a new one.” He looks them both over from head to toe. Rachel looks at Kurt as if she might be second guessing her idea, and for the same reason that crosses his mind. What if he picks both of them? Kurt loves Rachel. Despite all of his bitching and moaning about her, he does. Like a sister. He’s not going to share a guy with her.

But he’s also not in the habit of giving up without a fight.

He knows all of Rachel’s weaknesses. Plus, she’s got a bum knee – a consequence of years of ballet. One well-placed kick and she’ll fold like a paper plate.

The man’s eyes bounce back over to Rachel’s face and stay there. “Aren’t you … Rachel Berry?”

She pulls herself up straight, confident that she’s come out victorious. “Yes. Yes, I am.”

“I’m Blaine.” He extends a hand. She offers hers for him to shake, but he lifts it to his lips and kisses it instead. Kurt’s red cheeks drain to a sickly pea green with envy. “Enchante.”

“I’m Kurt,” Kurt says with a wave, but Blaine isn’t looking Kurt’s way anymore.

“I saw you in Funny Girl before you left the show. You captured the essence of Fanny Brice perfectly. You’re very talented.”

“Thank you.”

“Your performance radiated her charm, her ingénue, her innate glamour ...”

“Oh do go on,” she says, twirling a strand of her long hair around her finger while simultaneously shooting Kurt a smirk. His shoulders sag. Oh well. Tonight is not his night, which stings considering he can’t seem to catch a break at all in the dating department lately. He thought he had a chance with a new photog at Vogue, but seven coffee dates in he found out from Isabelle that the guy in question had a girlfriend, and that he was buttering Kurt up in hopes of scoring the choice assignments.

Before that was Chase, but he transferred to the London office a few days after Kurt got hired on full time; and then Michael, who was sweet enough during work hours, but that was only because he was trying to sleep his way through every man in the office.

And Adam. Kurt met him at NYADA. They were in all the same classes, had everything in common. But his school visa ran out before the beginning of last summer.

Kurt guesses it’s true what they say – all the good guys are taken or straight.

Or just plain live in another country.

Ready to declare defeat, he backs away towards their abandoned table. He’ll settle their bill, pay for his two Diet Cokes and Rachel’s army of sweet vermouths, and then head home. He can hear their cat Sicily scolding him when he walks through the door for staying out so late. He’ll change into his pajamas, then they’ll curl up together on the couch – him eating strawberry cheesecake ice cream from the container while she sits on his shoulder and yawns hot fish breath against his cheek.

But a warm hand finds his and weaves their fingers together. When Kurt looks back at Blaine, he motions to the seat beside him with a tilt of his head.

“Would it be tacky to ask for an autograph,” Blaine asks, pulling Kurt over to the empty barstool, “while your handsome friend here buys me that drink?”

“I … what? Uh …” Rachel’s eyes pop. “N-no,” she says, the smile plastered to her face freezing awkwardly into place. “N-not at all. Anything for a fan.”

“Excellent. Because I’d really appreciate it.”

Kurt slides onto the barstool, expecting Blaine to let go of his hand once he’s taken his seat. But he doesn’t. He lifts Kurt’s hand to his mouth as he had with Rachel’s and kisses it, but this time, he lingers, breathing in the scent of Kurt’s skin as those kisses travel from his knuckles to his wrist. It mesmerizes Kurt, nearly leaves him speechless.

Nearly.

“Hey, Rach,” Kurt says as Rachel grabs a pen off the bar and starts searching for a slip of paper. “You know, I’m a fan, too. I’ve been a fan since high school.”

Rachel finds an old receipt lying not too far away. She signs her name to the blank back of it, along with a small message. And even though she makes it a point not to look at her triumphant friend while she does, her smile melts an inch. “Thanks, Kurt.”

“That said, in the spirit of doing anything for a fan, could you scoop the litter box, too? Because that would be faboo.”

[alphabees-writes]

Glee - S1 E3 (Acafellas)

“I’m excited to watch this one, only because I remember actually really liking the Acafellas covers? Let’s see how hard I cringe now!

I’d have to guzzle wine if I had to have dinner with Terri too, Will’s mom...

“Oh it’s just hamburger casserole! Look out for bones.” Lucky for you she likes her casserole boneful!

Sign #8 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Deciding to announce Terri’s pregnancy to his parents WELL before the 12 week standard, without asking her first. He literally springs it on her. Yeah she’s awful, but so is he right now!

“I started at Zuckerman and Zuckerman while I was in college” Alternate timeline where Lauren Zises and Puck start a business together confirmed?

Is it mean of me to be distracted by how HUGE Will’s dad’s ears are...?

Theme of the day: Placating William Schuester’s ego

Quinn calling Rachel “sweetie” even though it’s dripping with sarcasm just makes my Faberry bones jingle

The way Quinn says “Did you ever perform Mr Schuester?” is a god damn SMACK! DOWN! 

Emma roasting John Stamos, who will be her husband in about a season’s time, is golden

Will spends too much time in Emma’s office. Aren’t the students meant to have appointments? There’s no way there’s a single school in the world where the counselling service isn’t totally overwhelmed with a mile long waiting list

The “For he’s a jolly good fellow” scene is me and my sister every time we hang out

Will turning into the camera to kick off “THIS IS HOW WE DO IT” is one of the better transitions on this show, honestly

This is one of the few occasions I actually like Matt Morrison’s delivery a lot. He genuinely sounds like he has no idea how awkward this group would be to watch...

Ahh... Nothing squicks me out quite like the face of William Schuester when he knows he’s about to get some coochie

Sign #9 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Rachel and Quinn tell him his dance moves are old fashioned, and he starts being completely absent in rehearsals... Very professional of you William

The way he says “whatever” to Rachel makes me want to throw him into a bonfire

“Do you see anybody else in here with a plate of ‘I’m sorry’ cookies? BOOM! Smack DOWN!

Again, Finn just straight up not knowing what anything is is making my god damn day

Of COURSE she’s still upset Finn, you bozo! YOU PULLED A KISS-NUT-RUN!

How Many Times Can We Fit The Word Guts Into One Episode Challenge

Quinn and Santana are filling Sue in, but Brittany’s missing. I like to think she’s lost.

Wow for a while I forgot Santana and Puck were ever a thing... Can I re-forget it?

How can Mercedes look at Kurt in THAT jacket and think “yeah, that’s a heterosexual right there” I just. I can’t

Mercedes: Have you ever kissed anybody? Kurt: Yes. If by someone you mean the tender crook of my eLbOw... I’ve never wanted to be an elbow before wow!

Kurt and Mercedes reminding one another that they’re the best people within a 100 mile radius? Perfect.

“Every moment of your life is an opportunity for fashion” is a GREAT philosophy until you’re me and have about as much style as a dumpster raccoon

POISON! I hate that I actually like this cover...

You ready Ken? I’m ready. You ready Oooooonrie? I’m ready Will, are you?  Like, just pull the plug RIB

I can’t complain about how supportive Will’s parents are tbh it’s kinda wholesome?

Why was Figgins at this random acapella show...? Nice of him to show up anyway

“Is it too late to call Will Schuester the next Micheal Buble?” YES. Don’t sully the name of Mr Christmas himself

Oh wow. They really dragged Josh Groban into this! I nearly forgot...

MERCEDES LOOKS CUTE AS HELL IN THOSE SUSPENDERS!!! AND TINA’S WEARING THE MOST BEAUTIFUL SHIRT??? GIRLS!!!

Ah, the form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee... Where would we be without them? Well, idk, if Burt Hummel was in charge apparently we’d all have nice cars

Kurt bb you have no idea you’re being asked out do you??? Bless your heart. Also poor Mercedes, she thinks he said yes...

I’m sorry, but NO car wash is going to raise you $8000. I don’t care if you’re washing those cars with caviar, it’s just not gonna happen!

Sign #10 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Henri ends up in the ER because he’s been chugging cough syrup like it’s Redbull and all he cares about is not being able to twerk for Josh Groban :/

Imagine seeing an ad for the Acafellas on fucking craigslist. Sign up now, feet pics optional!

Sign #11 That Mr Schuester Is An Asshole: Belittles Finn for wanting to quit glee, while completely ignoring and neglecting glee.

Imagine your high school Spanish teacher holding you back after class to ask you to join his acapella band ._.

Puck join glee for MILFs and ONLY for MILFs. That’s all he wanted

Santana told Puck she ended it over his credit score but really it was all the heterosexuality

Oh god for a second I thought the first cougar was Santana’s mother I nearly flipped

“I also stopped beating people up so much” is ICONIC

Hey Ken! Maybe stop grabbing your student like that? Thanks! fuckhead

“My BOWELS have better moves than you” God damn it. I want to hate Puck, and I think we all know why, but... I love this character. 

ThAt BaSeBaLl ThInG sUrE wAs GoOd Mr ScHuE!

I know this isn’t the point of this scene, but I NEED to see Kurt just walking around school in a corset. Just chilling in his lessons like that? Icon.

Mercedes asking Kurt to be her boyfriend is PAINFUL but also I fucking love her confidence? She knows what she wants! It’s just a shame she vandalises his car right after :/ 

Kurt’s FACE when Mercedes says “Rachel?!” He can’t believe he lucked out like that oh my goodness

SHE SMASHED THE WINDOW. HIS FACE OH MY GOD. Why are all the half-naked Cheerios polishing the busted car now 

Amber busts some MOVES for this number... She kills it. I mean, don’t smash cars up kids, but if you do make sure you know your choreography for after!

It must’ve been so much fun to smash up that car for the dance oh my goodness. Did they have to shoot that in one take? Or did they just have a line of Navigators out back? RIB will never wear form-fitting sweaters that stop at the knee ever again...

“Well you busted my heart!” Ok Mercedes but like... He didn’t put a fucking ROCK through it he just doesn’t know what dates are???

Mercedes sticks up for Artie, and then Kurt sticks up for them both when Dakota Stanley starts being a bitch... They’re wonderful friends! So proud of them

Ok he’s a little gremlin man but “I feel like a WOODLAND CREATURE!” is still something I quote

I know Rachel’s nose is a recurring thing but... It’s not a bad nose? Like, at all? It suits her perfectly, and it’s not noticeably large?

Will you really don’t need to be that close to fix Finn’s tie. In fact, you don’t need to fix it at all?

I know you’re not gonna sing THAT song!

They did NOT pay Josh Groban enough for any of this. Especially not “Josh Groban loves a blousy alcoholic”

“I’m a teacher... And a really good one” Are you, Mr Schue? Are you?

The look on Kurt’s face when he comes out to Mercedes... You can see the panic there. His eyes. Oh god. And then she ACCEPTS HIM because HE’S WONDERFUL THE WAY HE IS and she’s a GOOD FRIEND!!! Oh god he’s tearing up I’m going to cry...

Although I’m not 100% in love with the way she implies that telling everybody in the glee club is as simple as being true to himself. He’s not ashamed, Mercedes, he’s terrified... Although I know her heart is in the right place. She just wants him to know they’ll accept him at the end of the day!

He’s crying... My baby boy...

Sue permanently has old Cheerios footage playing on the TV in her office, because of course she does!

Quinn can say Sue taught her that lesson, but we all know she learned it from Rachel. With whom she is in love, of course.

Ahh, the first real Faberry moment... Delicious. Finally, some good fucking food!

[sugrmottas]

(this genuinely isn't judgey fodpsapid) but quinn, puck and santana having rachel's ambition is...a lot.

i mean, it is.

it also isn’t.

like, rachel definitely outpaces all of them, don’t get me wrong – rachel has lived her life being told she is going to be successful, and i think that changes things. quinn grew up believing she was doomed to live the life of her mother, puck grew up being told he was just like his father (which is mostly fan-canon but i feel like there’s enough Illusions in actual canon to back it up) and santana grows up in what qualifies for the Hood (adjacent) in lima, ohio – but like, rachel grew up with dads who worship her. who tell her she is going to be amazing because she has to be. her peers always say cruel things, but rachel trusts her fathers so much more than she does her peers, so girl grows up knowing she will be successful, if she works for it.

but then there’s puck, too. puck who is a young jewish kid in what is predominately a protestant state (on that line: i know quinn’s evangelical but what is mercedes actually? where we given anything more than just plain christian? also sam? why did glee never expand on anything??? ugh) so already feels like a fish out of water – but he (canonically, at least) only has two peers his age who share the same faith. jacob ben israel, who is disgusting, even from a young age (is it canon that puck’s always bullied him?) and rachel, who i truly do believe he grew up knowing, even if i don’t think they were the best friends fanon likes to paint them as. he grows up in a heavily jewish household but in a community that does not share his faith, or even respect it, and that’s hard. add to it a burning desire to not become his father (i’m not sure if it’s actually canon that his mother told him he was just like his father, but it’s a headcanon i hold very close to my heart) and a mother working her ass off to provide for him and his sister, and kid is fucking angry.

so puck has anger issues, which i feel is mostly backed up in canon anyway – which is his passion. his ambition blooms from this – a burning desire to prove everyone wrong, the need to get the fuck out of lima. i do think finn and puck have a very deep friendship, but it’s one that adds to both of their insecurities. finn is the Golden Boy, he is (seen as) kind and talented. puck is the Bad Boy, he is charming and capable. they spend their lives being compared and i think puck is mostly reserved to coming second (hence his anger at finn going off-book and joining glee) but he also maintains that he Wants to beat finn, wants to be the best. puck has selfish ambition (but really, what ambition isn’t at least a little selfish?), but he has so much of it.

remember his first Real line? i’m not like everyone else in this cow town, i got star potential. kid makes it very clear he’s getting the fuck out of lima, no matter what his peers think. i do hate how glee handled him in s4 (he got out of lima sure, but he didn’t do anything, which i feel was such a disservice to him – he struggled with school because he isn’t a learner, but he’s always been a doer, let’s not forget the kid had an actual business at 16) but i hate what they did with most characters in s4, so i tend to ignore it for everyone bar the newbies and finn. the unravelling of klaine was interesting too, if only because we saw how co-dependent they actually were. otherwise fuck s4. (santana and rachel both had Moments, now that i think about it.)

anyway, like – of the four, i think puck has the least ambition. i also think he has a lot more purpose than say, santana, so his ambition is a lot more Realised. 

and then there’s santana, who i think has the clearest ambition in the show, even if it’s constantly overshadowed by rachel’s. i believe santana’s family is religious (her abuela definitely is but we don’t know too much about her parents actual lives despite actually meeting her mother, it’s of my personal belief they are religious but non-practising) but santana fails to perceive any proper value to religion.

(this is going somewhere, i swear.)

santana also doesn’t have a Great Big Dream, she eventually settles on wanting to be famous but that feels so much like a cop-out that i fail to see any value to it. she doesn’t particularly live for cheerleading or glee club either. 

what i’m getting at here is that if santana has ambition (she does, i’ll get to it) she doesn’t have purpose to go with it. and ambition without purpose can be fucking dangerous and santana is such a good example of that.

onto her ambition: i do think it’s pretty clearly shown within the show, even from the beginning of her character, as underdeveloped as she was. of the three cheerleaders, she’s the one who wholeheartedly throws herself into sabotaging the glee club – we don’t see too much of her in the first half of s1, but i believe she was working away at some of the weaker characters (read: artie, because santana lopez genuinely does read super prejudiced, but i’m probably still salty about her biphobia) until the back half came along and girl turned it up, went after finn hudson and took his virginity (i have so many feelings about finntana, mostly in a platonic sense but there was a glee meta years ago on them sleeping together that still sticks with me) and took so much pleasure in quinn fabray losing her status (quinn and santana read weirdly similar to finn and puck, but i don’t think their friendship is anywhere near as deep so they have less reason to empathise with each other) and girl was fucking messy.

it was great. i lived for it.

then s2 happened and we met santana lopez, properly – the girl from the hood (adjacent) who was so angry and so scared and wanted so much. and the season was full of ambition from her, even if stupid little ways – wanting to win the duet competition and knowing her and mercedes would be the match-up, knowing she wants to keep sleeping with brittany so tricking her into thinking it’s not cheating (we can talk about who was the real bad guy of the two of them for that for days but the correct answer is both, because brittany pierce is not as dumb as she seems but santana lopez still had full intent to make b cheat on artie), rejoining the cheerios at the first opportunity because she wants to win, no matter the consequences (i’m not sure how i feel about the three of them ditching the competition because it’s just a weird situation but this isn’t a finn hudson meta). and she cares about glee club a lot, of course, for a lot of reasons, but you cannot tell me she’s so upset about finn and rachel losing them the competition solely because… what? they ruined it for the club? no, they lost it for her. fuck them for that.

s3 is really the season i point to to prove the girl lacks purpose, so we’ll skip over that to s4 – santana is on her own, for the first time. she’s on a scholarship to a big school relatively far from home and she doesn’t handle it well, of course. gets super untethered. and then visits home and remembers Santana Lopez, The Star. so she goes to new york and still lacks purpose, sure, but she has a stage. she just has to figure out what part she’s playing.

and this is where the danger comes in, because santana sees her friends succeeding – rachel mostly, but kurt too – and gets restless. does stupid shit like her yeast-i-stat commercial. but most importantly, decides her life’s mission is playing fanny brice. which isn’t stupid on its own, but like, for someone who cares so much about her friends it reads so strange that she would actively go after something that clearly matters so much to what we pretty much assume is her best friend. the deterioration of rachel and santana’s friendship was written awfully so i won’t go into it, but like. god. someone give this girl a purpose so she has something worthwhile to invest herself in and stops sabotaging all her relationships.

so santana has bucketloads of ambition (i’d rank her third of the four) but she has nowhere to put it and it fucks her over every single time.

and then quinn. oh, quinn. ohhhhhhhh quinn.

quinn has so much fucking ambition – she has a life planner from age six. she details every moment of middle school, every moment of high school, every moment of college, every moment of life. she’s going to go to an ivy league college (she thinks she’d like brown, her dad went there, but yale sounds nice and freeing) and she’s going to study law and she’s going to become a family lawyer. she’s going to help kids get away from abusive parents and she’s going to make sure everyone she comes into contact with is safe and happy.

on the flipside, lucy quinn fabray is already resigned to living her mother’s life. doing a short course in real estate and then becoming a realtor. she’ll marry a nice boy, maybe finn hudson, and they’ll buy a house with a white picket fence and have 2.5 children and a dog. 

quinn fabray’s ambition is fucking tragic, because it was killed before even getting the chance to thrive – and it’s still there, of course. in some ways. when she tells finn she’s pregnant, she says i really thought i had a shot at getting out of here. when she’s wondering whether to give up drizzle or not, she knows she shouldn’t – her religion doesn’t look on the act kindly and i’ll never forgive glee for overlooking quinn’s faith post-s1 – but it would allow her to move on with her life.

quinn fabray is tragic, because she loses her future-husband to rachel berry, who has all of her ambition and none of her fear (or all of it, but quinn doesn’t get to see that, nobody gets to see that). she loses her husband to everything quinn wanted to be, and it’s awful.

s2 sees quinn not gaining her ambition back, as she hoped. or maybe as i hoped. s2 sees quinn getting back with finn. s2 sees quinn telling rachel that she’s wasting her time with lima because she’s going to be successful and they aren’t (or rather, quinn isn’t). 

but it comes back, eventually.

i don’t know when. s3 fucked quinn over so bad. but it comes back.

and she writes so many fucking essays about her emotionally neglectful father and her child who she loves so fucking much but had to give up and her friends, her glee club, who helped her through fucking everything.

it comes back.

quinn gets accepted into yale.

quinn gets accepted into yale.

rachel and kurt are (eventually) accepted into a prestigious performing arts school, which is perfect for them, but let me reiterate – quinn (and mike actualy) gains admission into one of the most prestigious schools in america. 

quinn fabray is going to be fucking amazing, and she knows it – she’s going to live her own life, the one her mom wanted to life, but was always too scared to pursue. quinn knows how short life is, she also know she can’t let anyone drag her down – quinn is going to motherfucking yale and she is going to be fucking wonderful. 

there’s a quote i’ve always used for quinn – i can’t abandon the girl i used to be, so i carry her. and quinn carries lucy with her every single fucking day – and lucy gets to see her ambition realised, gets to see herself succeed and become everything she dreamed of.

and it’s amazing.

so maybe nobody has rachel’s ambition, not really. but a lot of glee club have their own wild ambitions (mike, mercedes and tina all come to mind).

but i do genuinely think puck, santana and quinn all come very close to the standard rachel set, in such different ways. 

and i think that’s wonderful. 

[jonathan-mcgregory]

Everything I do ( I do it for you)

Day 2: Klaine Valentine’s challenge 2018

Author: Porcelain and Leather

Rated: T

AO3

Blaine could feel Sebastian’s frustration as he entered their dorm room. He turned his chair around, watching his brother throw his backpack on the bed, grumbling. “What’s going on?“ Blaine sent him a wave of calm and smiled.

Sebastian sat on the bed and closed his eyes, letting the calm wash over him. “Have you met the new kid, yet?” He looked over, and raised a brow at him. Blaine knew that Sebastian had been seeing Kurt in everyone’s mind for a day and a half but neither of them had actually met him yet.

Blaine shook his head as he got up to pop a bowl of water in the microwave. “Not yet. I’m guessing you have?” He turned around and leaned against the desk. He knew his adopted brother, better than anyone. “But why are you so pissed? Did he insult you, somehow?”

Sebastian chuckled and shook his head. Sometimes he wished Blaine could read minds. “No, He was fucking polite. Mr. Adams gave him the seat next to me, in biology, and he just walked up and said hi.” He rolled his eyes. “But fuck, did he smell good, and he’s as fucking gorgeous, as people thought he was.” He looked over at his brother, worryingly. “I could barely stop myself from attacking him, in front of the entire class.”

Blaine could feel the desperation and fear as Sebastian talked. Sebastian was never scared and it concerned him. He raised a brow as the microwave beeped. “Seriously? You are over 120 years old, and have never lost control.” He reached down and pulled a bag of blood, from the mini fridge, under the desk. He dropped it into the bowl of water and looked back over at Sebastian. “He can’t be that bad.”

Sebastian shook his head as he rubbed down his face. “That’s what I mean. He nearly ruined everything and all he did was say hi.” Sebastian groaned as his phone went off.  He pulled it out of his bag, to check his messages. “Oh great. Now he is auditioning for the warblers, this afternoon. Wes says that he saw him, performing with us.”

Blaine chuckled and tossed him the bag of blood. “Well, that means you don't kill him. Calm down.”

Sebastian glared at him as he drank the blood. “Yeah, well, it’ll be hard. We have to do some stupid project together. Why the fuck did we go back to high school again, and why at this preppy private school? I’m not even allowed to fuck anyone, here.”

Blaine shrugged. “It is the best way to hide and they don’t ask questions, here. Don’t you think about anything, other than your cock?”

Sebastian just continued to glare at him.

---------------------------------------

Blaine sat next to Wes as the other student started to arrive for rehearsal. He could feel the excitement feeling the room. It was one of the reasons he like this club so much. It was hard to feel any negative emotion with all the euphoria around him.

When Wes was sure everyone had arrived he stood up to talk to the group. “Hello, Warblers. Tonight we have an audition.” He picked up a piece of scrap paper and read off the name. “Mr. Kurt Hummel is going to sing “Lost in your eyes, by Debbie Gibson.”   

Blaine was a little shocked by the song choice. It was risky to say the least. He really hope Wes was right about this kid. Blaine stood up to speak as their fellow students mumbled to each other.. “Everyone will be polite and give him a fair chance. Remember. We are a team and a Family.” He looked over at Jeff and Nick. “Bring him in.”

Jeff grinned and jumped up, excitedly running out the door. Nick chuckled at his boyfriend’s excitement, and followed him. They returned with Kurt a few minutes later.

Blaine looked up as they entered the room. If his heart could still beat, it would be racing. He had never seen anyone, so beautiful. His hazel eyes seemed to embrace his soul. He could not look away when he started started singing. Kurt’s voice sounded like an angel, and Blaine was drawn into into every note. Their eyes connected as Kurt finished singing, and Blaine felt himself walking toward the man. “Welcome to the Warblers, Kurt.”

Kurt smiled at him and he felt his heart sore. “Thank you.” Kurt breathed out. Blaine bit his lip and closed his eyes as the musical voice floated through him.

Wes coughed and startled BLaine out of his trance. He looked over at his friend and smiled. Wes had a knowing look in his eyes. “Okay. Let’s move on. Welcome Kurt.”

Kurt blushed and smiled nervously at him, then went to take a seat, next to his friends. He did not know why Blaine looked at him with such passion but he felt like he did not want it to stop. He had never had anyone look at him, like that.

Wes smiled as he started the meeting. “Does anyone have any ideas for our setlist?” Blaine felt the excitement of the rehearsal wash over him. He was usually able to block most of the emotions out, but today he was a bit distracted. He looked over at Sebastian and motioned that he had to leave, before he snuck out of the choir room.

----------------------------------

Blaine was laying in bed listening to the radio, when Sebastian entered the room. He had his eyes closed and was completely lost in the music. Sebastian rolled his eyes as the images dancing around his his brother’s eyes. “What is wrong with you?”

Blaine looked over at the taller man a shook his head. “You were right. He is gorgeous. I have never seen anyone so beautiful, and those eyes.” He smiled and closed his eyes, remembering the moment he Kurt stepped into the choir room.

Sebastian scoffed. He never had use for romance, like his brother. He sat down, at the desk and growled. “You did not notice how temptingly sweet he smells?” He rolled the chair over and put his feet up on Blaine’s bed.

BLaine looked over and smiled at the other vampire. “He smelled heavenly.” He sat up and kicked Sebastian’s feet off the bed. “I just… I don’t know how to say it. I feel drawn to him.” He stood up and went to grab himself a bag of blood. He could not understand why Sebastian would want to hurt such a beautiful creature. He saw Sebastian glaring at him, but his brother’s sour look ruin this for him.

Sebastian shook his head. “I’m going to go to Italy for a few days.” He shrugged. “Maybe when I get back, Kurt’s appeal will fade, and things can get back to normal.”

Blaine shook his head. He hated that Sebastian would always run to Europe, whenever things got to difficult. He would always return, feeling worse about their situation. “It won’t help, Sebastian, but I’ll call the Volturi, and let them know you are coming. Maybe they can shine some light on why we are both attracted to him, like this.”

Sebastian smiled at him, softly, and began packing a bag. Blaine called the airport and asked them to have their plane ready, for Sebastian. With any luck, he would be back in a few days and would not feel so bitter. An hour later, Blaine was dropping Sebastian off, at their hanger. “Jane will meet you in Rome, and drive you to Voltura.” Sebastian nodded getting out of the car. “Thanks.” He slammed the door and ran into the hanger.

Blaine drove back to Dalton, with a lot on his mind. He never went to the cafeteria, if he could help it (The teenage hormones filling the room were alway too much for him.), but he would do anything, to see those beautiful eyes again.

------------------------------

Blaine walked into the cafeteria, and dinner was already in full swing. He found Kurt sitting, with Duval and Sterling. He walked over and sat across from him. “Good evening, Gentlemen.” He nodded toward Nick and Jeff. He had always liked the couple. There was always a feeling of love, surrounding the pair.

Jeff and Nick, looked up at him, with shock. He could understand their surprise. Even when he came into the hall, he and Sebastian always sat alone. Kurt looked at him and smiled. “Hello. Blaine, right?”

Blaine smiled at him and nodded. His voice was just as beautiful as he remembered and his smile was as bright as the sun. He felt himself wanting to do anything to keep that smile on his face. “Yes, I’m Blaine. I wanted to say that audition was inspiring. It was a risky song choice but it was flawless.”

He smiled as Kurt blushed. The color in his cheeks made him glow. “So, My roommate, Sebastian, needed to go home for a few days. Family business. I was wondering if you guys wanted to watch a movie.”

Kurt frowned looking over at him, looking worried. “I hope everything is alright. I really hope he not out to long. We were supposed to start our project tomorrow, but I guess family comes first.” He looked down at his food and Blaine could feel the loneliness pour out of him, as he talked about family.

He wanted to take the human into his arms and hold him until the sadness passed. “It’s fine. His sister is having a baby.” He smiled giving the excuse that they had given the Dean. “So about that movie.”

Jeff chuckled and bit his lip. He saw the way that Blaine was looking at Kurt, and he spoke before Nick could stop him. “Kurt would love to see a movie with you.” Nick glared at him a moment and Kurt just looked up in shock as Jeff continued to talk. “Unfortunately Nick and I… Ouch.” Blaine tried not to laugh, knowing that Nick had kicked his boyfriend, under the table. It did not deter Jeff for a moment. “Anyway… We are going to my parents for game night.”

Nick rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. “True but we can always have the movie tomorrow, if that is alright with you, Blaine.” He knew that Jeff meant well, but he did not want to leave Kurt alone with Blaine. He knew the rumors that Blaine and Sebastian were together, and he did not want his new friend hurt.

Kurt shook his head. He really did not want to spend the night, alone. He had his own roommate but the boy seemed to never be home. “It’s fine, I would love watch a movie with you.” He appreciated the chance to make a new friend, and Blaine was not bad to look at either. He looked at Nick and smiled. “I hope you and Jeff have fun at game night.”

BLaine watched the exchange hopefully. He frowned a bit when Nick tried to move the movie, to tomorrow. He could feel a bit of hostility coming from the student, and he did not want him to get the wrong idea. He decided to send a bit of reassurance toward Kurt’s friend. “The movie should not run too late and I’ll make sure Kurt gets back to his dorm, safely.”

He smiled as Nick nodded. “Alright. Have fun.” He and Jeff finished dinner and hugged Kurt, before heading out to go to Jeff’s home.

Blaine smiled when he was left with Kurt alone. “So how was your first day?”

Kurt pushed his tray away and looked into Blaine’s golden eyes. He could see the excitement dancing in the globes. “Um it was pretty interesting. Everyone is pretty nice here. Well, except one… You said your roommate is Sebastian?”

Blaine nodded and frowned at Kurt’s nervousness. The brunette looked down at the table feeling a little dejected. “Does he hate me or something? He seemed so cold, in biology and I could have sworn he growled at me.”

Blaine chuckled and shook his head. “I doubt anyone could hate you. No, Sebastian is not very good at meeting new people. It’s hard for him.”

Kurt nodded and looked up at him. “He won’t mind me being in your dorm?”

“Not at all. He’s gone for a few days anyway. He’ll never know.” Blaine grinned winking at him.

Kurt grinned a bit brighter. He couldn't help but blush abit when the other boy blinked at him. “I guess a movie could be fun the. What movie did you have in mind?”

“Um, why don’t you look through my collection and choose one? I am willing to watch anything.”

Kurt nodded. He was finished eating, anyway. “Okay. want to go now?”

----------------------------------------------------------

Blaine was a little nervous. He and Sebastian had never had a guest in their room, but Blaine relished in Kurt’s company. He led the other student into his room and pointed to his Dvd case. There were hundreds lining the wall, and Kurt’s eyes grew with excitement. “Wow.” He walked over and pulled the first one he touched, off the wall. “Let’s watch this one.” He shrugged, not really looking at the title.

Blaine took the case from him and smiled. “Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves. Good choice. Make yourself comfortable.” He walked over to the Dvd player and put the movie in. It was attached to projector and Kurt giggled as he watch the video appear on the far wall. “That is pretty cool.” He chewed his lip and sat in an office chair. He had never actually seen this movie, but he had always loved Robin Hood.

Blaine sat on his bed, and pressed play on the remote. He enjoyed watching Kurt as he got lost in the movie. He heard Kurt humming to a song in the movie. BLaine recognized it immediately and began singing, with the movie.

Look into my eyes – you will see

What you mean to me.

Search your heart, search your soul

And when you find me there you’ll search no more.

Kurt gazed turn Blaine as he listened to him sing, forgetting about the movie. He had a deep soulful voice and Kurt could not help but join in,

Don’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for.

You can’t tell me it’s not worth dyin’ for.

You know it’s true:

Everything I do, I do it for you.

Blaine smiled as their voices melded together. Singing had always been the thing that kept him sane with the sea emotions, that always surrounded him. It allowed him to feel grounded.

Look into your heart – you will find

There’s nothin’ there to hide.

Take me as I am, take my life.

I would give it all, I would sacrifice.

Kurt blushed and gulped at the lyrics. He was singing a love song with a guy he had just met, but it felt right. He barely noticed himself ,moving closer to Blaine.

Don’t tell me it’s not worth fightin’ for

I can’t help it, there’s nothin’ I want more

You know it’s true:

Everything I do, I do it for you, oh, yeah.

Blaine smiled at him and slid a bit closer to the bed bed.

There’s no love like your love

And no other could give more love.

There’s nowhere unless you’re there

All the time, all the way, yeah.

They were just inches away from each other as they arrived at the final second the song.

Look into your heart, baby…

Oh, you can’t tell me it’s not worth tryin’ for.

I can’t help it, there’s nothin’ I want more.

Yeah, I would fight for you, I’d lie for you,

Walk the wire for you, yeah, I’d die for you.

You know it’s true:

Everything I do, oh, I do it for you.

Without thinking, Blaine reached up to cup Kurt’s cheek. Kurt flinched away and backed up, feeling the cold hand against his cheek. The moment had shattered in an instant. “I have to go.” Kurt grabbed his back and ran out of the room. Blaine could feel the panic and guilt coming off the young man. It was the guilt that confused him most.

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Alliance Of The Smooth-Talking Evil Big Guys

Transmission date: Monday 29/Tuesday 30 May 2017.

.

FRIDAY AFTERNOON RAW covfefe

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(sorry, couldn't resist)

.

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(no more topical jokes, i promise)

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oh christ, it's the memorial day episode

.

this is going to be uncomfortably political and MURICA, isn't it

.

we're leading with john cena narrating a video package about how great the military are

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finally ends, long bit where we just listen to usa chants, and finally the titles

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we might actually get some wrestling on this patriotism show

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we've apparently carried on the military theme by replacing the stage pyro with fucking mortars

.

that was somewhat excessive

.

so yes

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double main event tonight to set up extreme rules

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bray/joe/finn and seth/roman

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but now, we have the miz

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and his impeccably-dressed wife

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and we've got carpet and chairs going on, so i guess this is miztv

.

miz is so excited about getting his hands on dean ambrose it makes him make out with his wife

.

there's a lot to unpack there

.

nice recap spot as miz just tells us everything he's done over the last few episodes

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apparently rule-breakers are the people rules are made for

.

that seems like a flawed system

.

recap vt of miz giving elias the win over dean last time

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miz is just like hey if that happens on sunday i win the belt fancy that

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and now we have the guests

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cesaro and sheamus

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kkb in the hooooooouse

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in the graphics for their match at extreme rules, they've stopped using the broken gurning pic of matt

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sad times

.

miz congratulates sheamus and cesaro for being the hardest-woirking team in the company

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can't fault him

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mentions the hardyz getting a cheap title shot, sheamus gets to go off on one about the fickleness of the fans, only emphasised by the delete chants starting

.

miz puts his hand up, cesaro does the same, tries to convince his best friend to, sheamus is just like nah mate don't bother

.

miz has a rant about his ic title comeback tour, interrupted by dean's music

.

he agonises for a bit over whether or not to get in the ring

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then stands at ringside and talks about his generally poor decision-making skills

.

miz is like there's three of us and one of you learn to count you moron

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so naturally, cue some hardyz

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who stand there bouncing in time with their music along with dean for a bit

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and then throw the kkb out of the ring

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miz having naturally run away

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and then hit their music again, because this is the end of the segment?

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oh, wait, they're making it a 6-man tag

.

jeff snapmares cesaro, but with a dropkick, because jeff legally has to be airborne for at least 40% of every match

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matt tags in, proceeds to get the shit kicked out of him

.

he does it so well

.

cesaro kicks jeff off the apron, leaving dean wide open for the tag

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cole somehow describes dean as "rather eccentric" while matt hardy is also in the room

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a series of blind tags leave even the announce team arguing over who's legal

.

dean cleans house, goes to the top rope, miz distracts him long enough for sheamus to knee him in the face

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dean dodges one of cesaro's corner uppercuts, he sells through it so hard he flips headfirst over the turnbuckle to the floor

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god bless you, claudio

.

miz keeps the hardyz out of the way, cesaro and sheamus hit dean with a white noise elbow drop combo, dean kicks out anyway because fuck your tag finisher

.

dean's gone into that mode of selling where he thinks all pain is electrocution

.

dramatic hot tag to jeff, only marred by dean missing the fuck out of his hand

.

tags matt, poetry in motion and side effect to miz, sheamus breaks the pin, twist of fate to sheamus, dirty deeds to cesaro, twist of fate and swanton bomb to miz for the pin

.

all the finishers that's fit to print

.

jeff takes off his shirt, ties it round his waist, except he seems unsure how knots work

.

kind of a consequence when your finisher involves landing on your head at high speed

.

cesaro and sheamus stagger up the ramp, cesaro completely stacks it

.

no idea if that was intentional

.

announce team start their recap, corey gets a call and walks off without a word

.

huh

.

but later, alexa bliss does bayley: this is your life

.

but here we are in kurt's office, and corey comes in

.

there's some kind of email insulting kurt going round, which corey has forwarded to him as a courtesy

.

kurt is worried for his career

.

well this is dramatic

.

but screw drama, here's a giant hipster with a guitar on a stool

.

and a song about how he owes miz a favour

.

lights come up, and it's revealed that a random jobber was standing in the corner all along

.

that's weirdly hilarious

.

bless, he looks about twelve

.

elias straight-up lifts him over his head with one arm

.

just beating all of the shit out of this random kid

.

goes out of the ring so he can start mashing his face into the apron

.

seems unnecessary

.

just pin him, he's already dead

.

or you could bow and arrow him around the ring post, sure

.

shouts at the crowd, swinging neckbreaker for the pin

.

yeah, that was just a shoot murder

.

back to the announce table, graves comes back

.

refuses to talk about what's going on

.

does he know the camera in kurt's office was on

.

but now here's an advert for mitb

.

i hope you like gold bond

.

and now joe's in a room made of led banners watching a finn video package on a big tv

.

charly's here to interview him on how he's going to win this match

.

joe has apparently done all the research and learnt how to kill finn

.

and as for bray, hWYATT CUT

.

bray appears on the tv to lecture joe about how he's going to loose the beast of chaos upon the world and then eat it himself and embody the universe

.

this may be a metaphor for fighting brock, or it could just be the world bray lives in

.

and now we're back in the ring

.

i guess that segment's done

.

and now finn's entrance?

.

guess we're having that match now

.

seems odd to do the hype segment immediately before the match

.

huh

.

*does the arms*

.

this match to follow, after another video package about the troops and honour and murica and shit

.

cut back halfway through joe's entrance

.

hope you didn't need all that WOMP

.

but hey, at least we get to see bray catching flies in its entirety

.

i swear corey just called bray a "genuinely surprising halfling"

.

logic suggests that he must have meant 'athlete', but i'm sticking with my version

.

bray is the demon-king of the shire

.

bray's still wearing his new merch shirt that i've got, except i can't fucking find mine so i'm forced to assume that that is actually my shirt

.

bell rings, bray slowly slithers down the ring post and out of the ring to let finn and joe beat on each other for a while

.

i'm down with that, it's been a great match every other time

.

finn kicks joe in the head, bray leads a round of applause from outside

.

so joe gets pissed and drags him back in

.

and then fucks off himself, because heel

.

but that doesn't last, because even being a shitheel, joe can't resist a fght

.

throws finn out of the ring, tries to pick bray up by the beard

.

sadly finn interrupts the process

.

i was looking forward to that

.

bray runs the ropes, hits a huge running crossbody fucking*through* finn

.

this is kind of the usual one guy dicks off and the other two fight structure, but switching often enough that it doesn't feel like it

.

bray tower of dooms finn and joe, goes for sister abigail on finn, joe coquina clutches bray until finn kicks him in the head

.

throws them both out, hits a lovely tope which bray sells miles more than joe

.

cut to ads, come back on bray and joe teaming up on finn

.

it does kind of feel like raw needs to decide whether they're selling finn as 'plucky underdog face' or 'demon-channeling badass'

.

bray gets some serious offence on both of them, undermined by corey becoming suddenly unable to say 'wyatt'

.

this segment of the match is mostly showing us how amazing a bray/joe team would be

.

alliance of the smooth-talking evil big guys

.

philosopher kings of pain

.

and that immediately breaks up as he punches joe in the face

.

goes for an uranage on finn, gets kicked in the head for it

.

joe comes back in to hit everyone

.

this is proper triple threat fighting

.

booker starts talking about how great joe is, finn immediately throws him out of the ring and kicks him in the head

.

he's worse at this than me

.

finn runs around the ring to to barricade dropkicks on both his opponents in opposite corners

.

takes joe back in the ring, starts ramming him into the corner, joe counters with a lovely reversal into an uranage while still standing in the corner

.

finn stomps him in the gut, counters out of sister abigail to stomp bray in the gut, joe suplexes finn out of the ring, bray hits sister abigail on him but joe rolls out of the ring, finn hits sling blade to corner dropkick to coup de grace, at which point joe just strolls into the ring, tosses finn out, and pins bray for the win

.

lovely heel move there

.

please can we only have corey calling finn matches

.

there's a fucking e on the end of coup de grace

.

but now we're backstage, with dudeface mcforgotyourname interviewing seth for his opinions on roman

.

so naturally seth leads by talking about samoa joe

.

oh, apparently the dude's called mike

.

seth frames him selling out the shield as "some not-so-great times"

.

then claims to own roman

.

and a whole bit on how he's going to kill everyone at extreme rules

.

clip of sasha and rich swann exchanging dance moves backstage

.

and now here are noam and alicia in the ring

.

and a recap of last week and noam getting throat-punched

.

apparently this is going to be a mixed tage match at extreme rules

.

which is cool

.

but now we're just having rich/noam

.

but with the ladies lurking around

.

can i mention how much i love that they haven't used this angle to make sasha and rich an on-screen couple

.

like

.

it turns out women can have male friends they don't want to fuck, and vice versa

.

who knew

.

both of these guys look like the film's been sped up about 20%, as usual

.

the crowd seem under-enthused, which is a shame

.

but to be fair, this is coming off the back of a great match, so it could just be shade from that

.

rich bends noam over and then does a standing 450 leg drop on the back of his neck, because fuck physics

.

meanwhile, sasha and alicia fight outside and rich hits a phoenix splash for the win but we don't see it

.

rich dances to his music, cajoles sasha into doing so as well

.

she tries to underplay the obvious fact that she's got better moves than him

.

boogie on down, end segment

.

and now we're back with charly, and the revival

.

aweome

.

dash's mouth is still wired up

.

ouch

.

but hey, scott does most of the talking

.

charly tries to implicitly ask if they murdered enzo last week

.

and roll vt of charly interviewing sasha, and the revival walk past in the background

.

scott's like well duh we do work here, just doing top guy stuff other than wrestling

.

calls enzo the tilapia of raw

.

if that whole thing with the video was actually planned, that's some nicely done foreshadowing

.

corey's just like hey did anyone send cass that footage just saying

.

anyway, here's a recap of tozawa and kendrick's street fight

.

and that horrifying senton through the table

.

while they're talking about that, cass looms in to shout at corey for insinuating that he might have had something to do with enzo's death

.

i am liking the barely-controlled chaos of this episode

.

but now, byoooooooooooooeeeeeeeeeeeeeep lucha

.

seriously, that intro is weird and i still don't get it

.

he's fighting titus tonight, so have this vt of titus screwing his protégé over last week

.

apollo's still following him

.

so here's a talking head of titus telling apollo to watch and learn and maybe pick up some of his charisma

.

apollo is looking increasingly uncomfortable with this arrangement

.

kalisto knocks titus to his knees, does a lovely short-range rana into a facebuster

.

titus doesn't care, sits on kalisto and grabs his tights for the win

.

apollo is displeased with these tactics

.

he's trying to have an argument with titus in the ring, titus just kind of ignores him and shouts and selfies and end segment

.

up next, alexa tells bayley who she is

.

after this plug for barns courtney

.

who, i should repeat, is from aylesbury and thus should not be trusted under any circumstances

.

but yes, here's alexa, strutting down the ramp like isn't my hair great

.

(it is)

.

(it looks like she's had it redyed)

.

the kendo pole has been set up for some reason, and there are other people and a table full of things in the ring

.

this looks like it's going to be a thing

.

alexa continues to find new ways to reply to what chants

.

so let's begin this is your life

.

we have bayley's first doll

.

we have a trophy

.

for sportsmanship

.

alexa's like lol those milennials

.

we have more miscellaneous toys

.

and bayley's yearbook

.

voted most likely to apologise

.

alexa's like yeah that's fair

.

but now let's talk about these people

.

bayley's fourth grade teacher

.

mrs flapper

.

alexa at least leads with "if that's your real name"

.

apparently bayley was a lovely nerd and her dad came to school with her because she couldn't be away from him

.

and now her childhood best friend, tracy hevelina

.

how do they come up with these

.

apparently bayley was a lovely doormat but she never wanted to hang out because she was watching wrestling

.

which i think is just called 'having other interests'

.

alexa's like oh my god do you mean being a wrestler was her childhood dream i have never heard that before

.

and finally, bayley's ex-boyfriend phil johnson

.

like wtf everyone else got weird names why am i phil johnson

.

alexa wants to know what their first date was like

.

nice, but her dad came too

.

the crowd are just doing delete chants for some reason

.

and phil nearly kissed her dad on the first date

.

i think that reflects more on you, phil

.

but he was only dating her to get close to tracy

.

and she's like oh my god i always liked you too and they make out

.

alexa's like welp this is disgusting um

.

this is your life?

.

and now here's bayley

.

tracy, phil and mrs flapper disappear, these two commence to kicking the crap out of each other

.

bayley throws a bunch of shit off the table at alexa

.

she's got a ripped off-the-shoulder top on, just in case you needed a visual representaion of how extreme she's gone

.

so extreme she's reached the late 90s

.

crowd chant for the kendo stick, nelecting the fact that there's a bunch of those under the ring

.

bayley starts to go up the turnbuckle, alexa knocks her down and then like fuck you i just own a kendo stick it's under this table

.

and smacks bayley with it

.

end segment after one strike

.

this match is going to be really short, given how firmly we've established that one kendo stick shot to the back will cause bayley's death

.

and now we're backstage, where enzo's been assaulted again

.

cass arrives to check him out, shouts at kurt that it was the revival

.

kurt's like i saw them left the building and there was no way they could have come back in it's not like doors go both ways

.

cass pledges to watch over enzo

.

medics check him over, end thing

.

and now here's austin

.

apparently this is a tag match

.

austin/jack v neville/tjp again?

.

yup

.

tjp is now getting announced as the first ever cruiserweight champion

.

presumably his intro needed padding now he's lost 90% of his name

.

neville's pyro cannons go off, cole has to ask booker if he's ok

.

there's a story there

.

tjp kicks off by having a pose-off with austin, who just goes fuck this and hits him in the head

.

tag to jack, who gets out of a headlock by walking backwards on his hands and then suplexes tjp with his legs

.

yknow, like humans do

.

neville tags in, austin tags in, they face off for a bit and then neville just goes screw that and leaves the ring for the ad break

.

we come back on neville fucking jack up

.

apparently the kidneys are a very violent spot

.

thanks for that pearl of wisdom, book

.

neville keeps shouting proclamations at austin and making an example of jack

.

rip the happy english gent

.

tags tjp, who comes in via a rolling senton over the ropes

.

he's a twat, but he's a fast twat

.

of course, as soon as i say that, he settles into the longest rest hold on the show

.

tjp gets austin to distract the ref and proceeds to claw jack's eyes out

.

jack goes for the tag, tj grabs him by the hair, so jack just whips round and chins him

.

dramatic double tag, austin and neville proceed to fuck each other up

.

i love austin's shin breaker to facebuster combo

.

just putting that out there

.

austin sets up for a discus fivearm, tj grabs his leg, tries for a rolling senton, jack grabs *his* leg, austin throws neville at them and does his ugly suicide dive

.

goes for a top rope dropkick, neville walks out of the way, tries a red arrow, lands facefirst as austin moves, austin hits the last chancery for the tap

.

faces swagger off, heels sit in the ring like what has happened to the world

.

actually, looking at the replays, that was a phoenix splash

.

i thought it seemed less than usual

.

but in a minute, we get to hear from roman reigns

.

yaaaaay

.

and here he is

.

and mike mcsomeone is in the locker room to ask him about seth

.

roman does his usual cos i'm the big dog in the yard woof speech, tells mike to fuck off

.

cut elsewhere to charly grabbing neville to ask about his first ever submission loss, long beat, he screams incoherently and storms off

.

but now, let's replay the reinvention of goldust

.

i will never get tired of that

.

and here's a new shattered dreams film

.

i love the low frame rate and the weird colour bloom and everything

.

goldust's angle is the usual i want to be the star thing

.

and he killed truth for wanting the spotlight to himself

.

but an ending is coming

.

and the golden age is back

.

and now that warps into terrible blaxploitation credits for an r-truth production

.

listen to that slap bass

.

and truth gets a monologue about how much he loves shaft, dolemite and pulp fiction

.

good to know he's not a stereotype or anything

.

and goldust is apparently going to get got

.

great

.

but now we're back in the arena, and it's main event time

.

well, that or seth's just heard the inside of the ring's nice this time of year

.

but now, have an advert for sasha being on 205 for some reason

.

and now here's roman

.

great

.

the announce team keep insistently using their epithets, and now i'm wondering whether i would rather actually watch an architect fight a big dog

.

apparently this is roman reigns vs seth reigns

.

thanks cole, that's not confusing at all

.

seth casually does a standing moonsault on roman, we all try and remember whether we knew he could do that

.

roman retaliates by punching him in the face

.

we all knew he could do that

.

does the driveby into the ring post again

.

still a nice variation on a better signature than he deserves

.

seth tries a springboard plancha, just kind of slips off the rope and onto roman

.

they both still sell it to hell and back, because professionalism

.

i'm not yawning you're yawning

.

sure, i've had very little sleep, but it's not helping that roman can just suck all the energy out of a room

.

seth doing that sling blade helped

.

goes for a falcon arrow, but sells his damaged torso from the driveby

.

see, kids, this is how we do in-ring narrative

.

seth springboards off the top rope, roman superman punches him out of the air

.

kick out at 2, because everyone knows you can't win a match until you'e gone oooooooooo

.

oh no

.

he went oooooooo

.

seth dodge the spear, superkick, nearfall

.

the announce team need to work out whether that kick was to roman's jaw or the bridge of his nose

.

they're in different places, last i checked

.

roman goes for a second rope samoan drop, seth counters it into carrying him across the ring into a turnbuckle powerbomb, and roman superman punches him as he falls

.

okay, that was a nice sequence

.

both guys are now lurking around the ring or on the apron, ref can't be bothered to count

.

seth bullfights roman into the steps, brings him in for a blockbuster, nearfall

.

seth, have you tried going ooooooooo

.

goes back up top for a frog splash, nearfall because of his damaged ribs

.

damn, but seth's good

.

cole talks about how the universe is showing great respect for both of these wrestlers literally as half the crowd are chanting ROMAN SUCKS

.

seth goes for a phoenix splash, misses, rolls through, dodges roman's punch, enzuigiri, goes for a kingslayer, roman dodges into a spear, pin

.

okay, when that match got going, it was bloody good

.

not as good as the triple threat, but that's to be expected

.

cole lists all five guys and their finishers, claims seth's is a falcon arrow

.

i'm p sure that is in no way his finisher

.

anyway

.

and we fade on roman doing big dog faces and seth lying on the floor doing architect whoi's been attacked by a big dog faces

.

or at least, that episode fades

.

here at WWEm, the stupid heat and humidity have made the doors swell shut again, so i guess we're stuck here for FRIDAY AFTERNOON SMACKDOWN!

.

(side note: daniel would like to let it be known that he proposed installing a dumbwaiter for food/water/possible escape in just these circumstances)

.

(i overruled him, citing cost, planning permission, and my personal desire to wait for the dry season while foraging in amongst the dense furniture forests, as our ancestors once did)

.

anyway, office politics aside, and ignoring the beseeching eyes and desperate mewling of one assistant producer who shall remain nameless, let's get on with the show

.

we open with charlotte in her peacock robe, telling us she's genetically superior to everyone

.

and carmella telling us she's awesome

.

and nattie doing her family catchphrase

.

and becky doing some irish jokes

.

and TAMINA SAYING WORDS HOLY FUCK

.

ahem

.

and roll titles

.

so yeah, that contender's match is tonight

.

tamina should win, because the thought of jinder mahal and tamina snuka holding the top men's and women's belts on the brand is hilarious to me

.

but now we're in the ring with kevin, doing the highlight reel

.

which has always been his show

.

and anyone thinking different should report to the back of the building for correction

.

damn, kevin just undermined that joke by talking about chris as the former host

.

shut up kevin, i'm trying to do a thing

.

the crowd interrupt with aj styles chants, because sure, why not

.

so yeah, kevin's here to sway offputtingly and tell us how he's going to win the briefcase

.

fuck it, pin all the titles on him

.

charlotte wins the women's belt, kevin powerbombs her into the apron

.

breezango take the tag belts, kevin beats them to death with each other

.

you know it makes sense

.

also in things that don't really make sense, here's his guest, shinsuke nakamura

.

i must be tired, i seem not to be dancing like a galvanised frog corpse

.

(which is my Slayer cover band,btw)

.

(check us out, we're p great)

.

shinsuke's music fades, kevin's immediately like ok dude i don't give a fuck about this shit

.

please stop dancing

.

why are you even here

.

but most importantly, remember what i did to our last rockstar

.

so by that logic, shinsuke'll be touring and recording an album in a few weeks

.

shinsuke gets two words into replying, baron's music drops

.

rude

.

baron calls it 'the highlight show'

.

dude, it's on a fifteen-foot screen right by where you came in

.

get it right

.

cues some vt of him trying to murder sami last week

.

kevin's like dude why the fuck did you interrupt my show for that i've been murdering that twat for fifteen years fuck off away from my show

.

baron calls him cartman again, lol so edgy

.

and throws some almost imperceptible shade at shinsuke

.

shinsuke's just like guys have you forgotten the bit where i totally beat you last week and the bit where sami pinned you twice

.

this is fair

.

cue kevin and baron beating the piss out of him

.

sami appears out of the crowd to break it up

.

theory: sami isn't a real person, he's a collective thoughtform that manifests from the common people when we need to protest injustice

.

sami gets a mic, and is just like welp, you guys want a fight and i'm free - shin, you free? - we're both free, so let's do the thing

.

cut to ads, come back and we're doing the thing

.

baron tries to headlock shinsuke, he just goat simulators all over him

.

does good vibrations, we are all forced to take a step back and realise how astronomically high his charisma stat must be to make that move look good

.

double tag, and we get a weirdly familiar face-off

.

kevin tags back out, and sami gets a weird amount of offence given that he's barely been hit yet

.

oh, there it is

.

kevin got a cheap kick to his head while baron distracted the ref

.

and now we have the sami getting murdered part

.

baron counters a tornado ddt attempt into a powerslam

.

it's p cool

.

but now we're doing the tiny wrestling and giant terrible american ads thing again

.

i don't love it

.

these ad breaks seem so long when they're for shit you don't care about and you're trying to watch the match

.

oh hey, we're back

.

just in time for kevin to eat a blue thunder bomb and baron knock shinsuke out of the way of a hot tag

.

sami goes for the rollup again, nearfall

.

naturally, this just enrages baron, who proceeds to punch him in the head a bunch

.

no, you fool

.

that's exactly what he wants

.

as evidenced by that big lariat counter he just threw

.

double tag, this awesome matchup resumes

.

will this match reenact my favourite moment

.

i doubt it

.

sami and baron end up back in the ring, sami whips kevin into baron, they start fighting, baron punches kevin down, sami lariats baron out of the ring, kinshasa to kevin fir the pin

.

good match, but sad lack of nope

.

valuable replay highlights of baron being big, angry, and dumb

.

sami and shinsuke just kind of look at each other, then sami goes and holds the ropes open while shin dances like um dude are you done

.

end segment, talk about ppvs and shit

.

and up later, women's 5-way elimination match

.

but now, the usos walk backstage with belts

.

film at 11

.

cut for ads, and here they are

.

day one remains h

.

they're here to talk smack at us all, but i can't tell all that well what their problem is because the feed's jumpy as shit

.

jey mocks the atlanta falcons, jimmy goes "Don't boo us, we didn't play!"

.

which seems fair

.

but here come our longest reigning tag champs

.

and also a trombone

.

the ice cream cart seems to have disappeared though

.

take that as you will

.

the magic of the new day seems to have fixed the feed

.

hurrah

.

apparently this is xaiver's home town

.

so they're fucked

.

kofi starts monologuing, the usos interrupt them and accidentally start a serious discussion about skipping

.

usos brag about their belts, big e and xavier start a creepy monologue that i'm assuming is a reference

.

so jimmy threatens to have them put down

.

seems reasonable

.

xavier's like hey we talked to the guy who actually runs this show and we're gonna smash you at mitb

.

[aggressively vibrates]

.

and then they lift kofi and present the usos with his crotch as he vibrates madly

.

what the actual fuck is going on

.

the usos leave, which seems fair

.

cuts of aj and dolph, both in new gear, warming up backstage

.

apparently they're the main event

.

but up next, we look back at last week's punjbai celebration

.

what, did we not have enough stuff to actually put in this episode, so now we just have to reuse last week's content with weird colour filters on it?

.

lots of clips from indian media about jinder taking the belt, which is cool

.

and cut back to the present

.

not sure what exactly was the point of that segment

.

but now for fashion files, noir style!

.

fashion files: the men who knew too little

.

cue moody sax and gruff narration by fandango

.

musing on losing their grasp on the usos

.

comes upon the fashion police hq ransacked, cue ominous bass and horns

.

silhouette of a sexy woman

.

dramatic reveal, it was tyler all along

.

tyler starts narrating, it's revealed that they are both psychic, so they just start talking instead

.

they look for clues

.

and find a bottle of cologne

.

fandango's tongue identifies ethyl alcohol, tree frog excrement, and hibiscus

.

can you tell where this is going

.

tyler accepts a non-existent compliment on his dress

.

and they go off to chase this lead

.

but now, women's elimination time

.

here comes charlotte in her magnificent peacock robe

.

with her shiny new surname

.

cut for ads, during which we missed ellsworth coming in

.

but we get to hear him insult all of georgia and hype his bae

.

i've just noticed, tamina's tron and entrance chanting makes it look like her name's capitalised TaMiNa like she's from the moon or something

.

nattie enters, still sparkly as fuck

.

becky puts her goggles on a girl in the crowd, who just starts straight-up screaming

.

and brawling begins immediately, before they can ring the bell

.

not sure why they don't just ring it, given that this is no dq anyway

.

tamina samoan drops charlotte into quiescence, becky throws carmella into the timekeeper's area and jumps on her from the barricade, tamina starts stripping the announce table, the ref's just stood there like um no stop it guys don't do that please guys um help

.

charlotte throws tamina into the apron and post, suplexes nattie on the floor, moonsaults them both from the ring post

.

carmella crossbodies her off the barricade

.

and then becky exploders her

.

and then tamina clotheslines her

.

and then charlotte big boots her

.

and then nattie discus forearms her

.

the circle of life

.

nattie tries to put charlotte through the table, gets whipped into the steps

.

and then powerbombed through the table

.

the refs seem to have given up on trying to restore order and are just standing around despairing

.

but here comes the money to fix things

.

here comes the moneyyyyyyyyy, dragging a middle-aged man along by his pockets

.

shane's like well that was cool but do you guys remember how a match works

.

but let's do a thing instead

.

women's mitb match

.

yeeeeeeeah

.

i mean, i'd heard it on twitter already, but it's pretty awesome

.

but later tonight, randy responds to jinder existing

.

great

.

but up next, breezango vs the colognes

.

the colóns have a new logo that at a casual glance looks like aleister black's brimstone symbol

.

huh

.

breezango enter, still in character as gumshoe and femme fatale

.

primo and epico are just standing there like the fuck is up with these guys

.

tyler is trying to work out the logistics of fighting in a dress and long wig

.

swiftly answered after primo knocks him down and rips them off

.

tags fandango in, who's still wearing his duster

.

primo tries to sunset flip him, gets squirted with a water pistol

.

and tyler produces his to douse epico

.

the colóns sell it like they've been tased, spill to the outside as we do the advert break but not thing again

.

during this advert for red lobster, feel free to amuse yourself by thinking about all the ways in which water pistols are not legal in wrestling matches

.

and we're back

.

apparently fandango lost his coat at some point

.

i didn't notice because i was distracted by an advert about a grown woman who somehow doesn't know that soda might be bad for your teeth

.

fandango's taking a lot of punishment, but tyler got punched off the apron and has apparently glitched through the floor and is now falling endlessly through a featureless void

.

but hey, here's a janitor to tag in

.

i am here for tyler breeze, master of disguise all day

.

primo steals tyler's mop, he and fandango tussle over it, unprettier off the distraction for the pin

.

i love this ridiculous gimmick

.

but now, renee has aj in the blue curtain room

.

apparently aj's going to win money in the bank tonight

.

that'll be a trick

.

and now here's dolph to be like hey fuck you dude i'm dolph ziggler, i've been here forever

.

challenges him here and now, aj threateningly removes his shirt, dolph fucks off

.

aj gets some home state pops

.

but next, randy talks

.

woooooo

.

feel free to distract yourself by wondering whether that was a sarcastic cheer or just that this building is haunted

.

so yeah, randy's here and he's got a new hoody and it's got his initials and a snake design on it so daring

.

starts talking, and i already want to slap him and/or fall asleep

.

boasts about all the people he and his father have beaten

.

and how his grandfather would have beaten the shit out of him for losing to jinder

.

this just in: all our grandparents were probably super racist

.

randy, please stop hanging all of this on the whole american thing

.

yes, you are american and your opponent is not

.

we get it

.

that is not a reason to be a twat

.

jinder's music drops, but he's on the tron instead

.

tight closeup, but i'm p sure he's standing in front of an indian flag

.

oh yeah, there we go

.

zoom out to show the belt and the singhs

.

jinder gives randy crap about living in the past and obsessing over his old achievements

.

which is fair

.

the singhs clap awkwardly, zoom back in, end video

.

randy poses on the turnbuckle, end segment

.

that was really strange

.

but now, here's sasha and swann to tell us to watch 205

.

and next week, we have shinsuke/kevin

.

should be good

.

but now for the main event

.

here comes dolph, in his shiny new jacket

.

enjoy these recaps from 2012/3 of dolph winning mitb before, just in case you didn't believe us

.

aj's in new red and black gear, and it looks like he's just trying to be shinsuke

.

oh, apparently it's an atlanta thing?

.

yeah, it's falcons colours

.

see, seamless research break

.

meanwhile aj dropkicks dolph in the face and gets kicked out of the ring in return

.

cut for ads, and back on a suuuuuuuuuper tight focus on the case for some reason

.

and then slowly pan out to show there was a match happening all along

.

who knew

.

dolph counters a styles clash into the most blatant dirty pin ever

.

the ref barely gets through counting one before just going waaaaaaait a second

.

ushigoroshi for a nearfall, except apparently we're not calling it that any more

.

aj hits dolph into the turnbuckles with a really uncomfortably close-range exploder

.

that did not look good

.

goes for a top rope styles clash, dolph counters to a satellite ddt

.

this match has only been going for a few minutes, but they are just beating each other to fuck

.

and they're both just throwing finisher attempts every chance they get

.

which is honestly kind of cool

.

narratively different, at least

.

but still countering them rather than just kicking out, so preserves the finishers

.

dolph goes for a superplex, aj slides out and smacks dolph's face into the turnbuckle, dolph bullfights aj face-first into the turnbuckle, rolls into a calf crusher, dolph gets out by going for his eyes, zigzag for a nearfall

.

aj goes for a phenomenal forearm from far too close, dolph pushes him off the ropes, then superkicks him while he's still tangled up in them for the pin

.

remembers to pull his legs away from the ropes as he pins him, too, which is a welcome touch of logic

.

and fade on dolph trying to strike a balance between 'yeah i'm the greatest' and 'holy fuck i actually got to win a thing'

.

and that was smackdown

.

talking smack will follow with the five women's mitb contenders, but that is left as an exercise for the reader

.

if you're watching extreme rules on sunday, hmu on twitter @waruce

.

but now, i'm off to google lists of edible chair fungi

[stariishii]

This is the story of my first love

(Warning! Very long story, sorry,) Summer of 2018, I’m 14 years old, fresh outta grade 9. I’m short (5,2), blue eyes, semi long blond hair, chubby face, really pointy nose, I think I’m the fuglyest troll that ever lived, very low self esteem. Hopeless romantic. I had a crush on practically any boy that ever looked at me but they never liked me back because I’m a troll. One day, last day of grade 9 my friend Dany invites me into this truth or dare circle with a bunch of people I’ve never met before. I hate truth or dare but whatever, I play anyway. A few days later school is out and I go with some girls to a coffee shop for a book club get together, it takes an hour or so and I start walking home but I realize that my friend Dany and that group of people is at the beach so I head over there. I sit down at a round, stone table at the beach with these people I don’t know and they’re playing never have I ever and they’re all soping wet and shivering, one guy didn’t have a bathing suit and went into the water in his jeans 👖. We play never have I ever for a bit and I feel a little uncomfortable because I didn’t know everybody, I knew Dany, this girl named Hannah that was in my gym class, a guy named Landen that I had socials with and a girl named Sofía that I had English with. The group decided to go to KFC or Dairy Queen or something because they were hungry. I was still a little out of place because Dany was hanging out with everyone else and I wasn’t close with anybody else there. Let me introduce the crew, there’s Dany, my best friend, tall, a hot mess, long, curly, dyed, blonde hair, high heels, never wears the same outfit twice, the sweetest person I’ve ever met (the drunk mom friend). Gage, also known as Gageriel, VERY tall boi (6,1), has been hit by a car 7 times, does dumb shit for entertainment like eating things he shouldn’t, very kind and lovable, is 15 but looks 19 (father/big brother friend). Sofía, dating Gage, short like me, always wears yellow, blue and red, Colombian, long black hair, has bangs, also very nice 👍🏼(Responseable older sister friend). Rehgan, lonely, bisexual, medium height, biiiggg boobs, thiccc, beautiful💙, funny and truly wonderful(gay friend🏳️‍🌈). Bryce, only one hand, kinda short, forget what ethnicity but brown skin, short black hair, chubby, a little mean sometimes, tried a little hard to be funny, had a crush on me. Ryan, pouch boii, (5,11) decently tall, a little chubbyer, nice, always buying other people food. Hannah, short-ish, kinda sluty but that’s ok, loves Kurt Cobane, emo, smokes weed and drinks, (Party animal friend). Bond, Landen Bond, stoner kid, skateboards, emo, heavy metal, emotional, was dating Hannah but they broke up(stoner friend). And last but definitely not least, Oskar, wet jeans boy👖, I had a big ol crush on this boy, brown eyes, (5,7 or something), brown semi-emo hair, super funny, emo, great person.

All these people are emo, depressed, anxious, and really quite fun to be around. Socialy awkward geeks, I fit right in. We started going to the beach every Tuesday, except Hannah and Landen and Ryan weren’t around most of the summer. The first beach day was one of the best but not really important to the story except for Dany kissing Oskar for a dare (his first kiss), I ,of course, was jealous because I liked him. Around 8pm it was only me, Gage, Dany and Oskar siting at a bench watching the sun go down, it was blinding but beautiful. Dany and Oskar talked while I just kinda sat there and listened because I didn’t have anything to say and I was nervous because I liked Oskar. Later that night I told Dany I liked him and she felt really bad about kissing him. Dany decided to help me make a plan to get Oskar to fall for me. We all hung out every Tuesday. My plan had begun, I was texting with Oskar every single day, two weeks straight. Sitting next to my phone for hours waiting for his response. A little too crazy about him. Trying to figure out everything about him which only made me like him more because he’s just amazing. We got to know each other pretty damn well, my plan was going incredibly well. On the 13th of July, Dany had a mental breakdown and was smashing plates and thinking about suicide, I did what I thought was the only option, go to her, I got on the next buss and tried ever so desperately to get to her before something could go wrong, it was incredibly stressful and for a while I was afraid that I might lose my best friend. I got on the wrong fucking buss, then, when I was in the middle of nowhere, got off the buss and my phone died. I saw a beacon of hope in the distance, a Dairy Queen, I walked for what felt like forever in the scorching heat to this Dairy Queen and thank the lord, I had a phone charger, I texted Dany the second my phone turned on and she and her mom came to rescue me. She was safe and everything was ok. We went to the beach and then I went to her house to have a sleepover and make sure she was ok. At around 10:30pm, Dany and I were watching A Street Cat Named Bob (a wonderful movie, I highly recommend) and I was texting Oskar. It went a little bit like this, “yes” “yep” “indeed” “undoubtedly” “of course Osmar” “of course Violet” “I have a crush on you”. The second I sent the last text I threw my phone across the room and screamed and hugged a pillow. Dany was obviously confused and concerned, I didn’t say anything I just got up and showed her my texts. She was shocked and I threw my phone again and decided that I would wait until the next day to see what he said. I couldn’t sleep, I was so anxious that he would find me revolting and turn me down right away or like someone else. I was also anxious because I knew my friend Rehgan also liked Oskar. When I woke up, it was 6am, I layed there and thought of all the possibilities, every way it could go completely wrong, I could have just waisted two whole weeks getting to know someone that doesn’t even like me that way. 2 hours later, 8am, I go and check my phone and I was very undewelmed. All he said was “Crush as in crush?” Wtf yes crush. An hour or so later I was on the couch while Dany made me food and he texted me saying “I’m awkward as fuck sorry” “it’s ok to be awkward, I am also awkward” “I feel the same way, as in the crush thing” I froze, it was the most insane thing I had ever witnessed. I started shaking and yelling “DANY DANY DANY DANY DANY” I showed her the phone. I was so incredibly excited and happy and terrified. My heart was beating a million miles a minute. “Do you want to hang out today?” That’s where it all began.