#not that i had one to begin wiht sakdlfjak

[loyally-unfaithful]

—; even if i am fooling myself, my feelings are true . (2)

word count: 2.9k

pairing: origami cyclone | ivan karelin / gn!reader

genre: hurt/comfort

summary: even if he was lying to you by pretending to be your lover, he told himself it was worth it. it made you happy. it helped you. he’s helping you. this ruse is only done in good faith. 

if it were to make you smile, if it were to help you brighten up, then all his lies and deceptions could be forgiven, he rationalised.

a/n: so yes, this fic is drastically different from what i usually do, because it's more dialogue heavy? i hope i nailed the kotetsu moral fagging,,,, and that the flashbacks aren't too confusing ;w;

eyeing his surroundings, ivan let his shoulders drop—he doesn’t really know whether it’s from exhaustion or melancholy; probably both.

the floor was quiet: devoid of the usual whirring machinery, animated banter, or even just the pitter patters that would point to the presence of another soul in the room. any signs of life. the floor was quiet, almost eerily so, though his tiredness and anxiety may have also played a part in this desolate atmosphere. all he could hear was his all-too-loud heartbeat thumping in his ear, pulsing in his head.

the blond sighed. he could’ve done without the migraine.

it seemed he was the last person in the gym, the other heroes having already gone home, though in hindsight that was to be expected. glancing at the wall mounted clock revealed that it was rather late in the evening. he must’ve lost track of time, he figured. don’t know how or when. probably got lost in his thoughts, at some point during break…? he forgot what he was doing. can’t recall what he was even thinking about in the first place.

he’s been rather dazed these few days.

« you’ve been out of it these few days. » blue rose had mentioned… at some point. the days just sort of blend in together. something about the lights being on but nobody’s home?

the hero was committed with his career. honestly, he was. his thoughts have just been preoccupied elsewhere these past few weeks…

probably just stress.

dejectedly, the blond plopped himself on a bench and exhaled deeply.

« that was a pretty incredible sigh. d’you have something on your mind? ivan jumped slightly, not expecting to be addressed. so he wasn’t alone… – oh, tiger-san… »

he considered the older man’s silent invitation with furrowed brows. he might as well, he thought, seeing as kotetsu was willing to listen. besides, his senior always seemed to know the solution to all his dilemmas; it would help him getting this off his chest.

« it’s… i’ve just been preoccupied with something… right! you, telling you the truth… where does he even begin explaining this to kotetsu? do you remember when i was assigned to visit patients at the sternbild general hospital? after that mess with maverick... – uh, you were paired with dragon kid during that charity campaign, right? kotetsu completed after a moment. ivan nodded in confirmation. – at the time we were just tasked to help the medical team where we could, and socialise with the patients. boost their spirit. you know, like delivering flowers and doing inventory. at some point we had to do some damage control after a visitor left rather violently. he paused. i saw them when they left, and it seemed that they must’ve had a pretty bad breakup or a big disagreement with… he decided it was best to just omit your name…  their partner. the blond kept his gaze down as he fiddled with his fingers. their partner was admitted in inpatient care, and they seemed pretty depressed after the incident. »

the second time ivan had met you was during his scheduled visits, and he had recognised you from that incident with the disorderly visitor. he remembered how despondent you were when he came to greet patients in your ward.

the blond distinctly remembers that day: dragon kid was told to visit those in the pediatric unit while he was to visit and cheer for those in the rehabilitation ward.

despite only briefly, you lit up when the hero visited you, accepting the flowers with a warm if forced smile. he noted that you didn’t do much of anything but look out your window absentmindedly or stare at the wall in front of you. it wasn’t like there was anyone else to interact with in your room, seeing as you had been lucky enough to get a single patient room, and you didn’t seem interested in turning the tv on anytime soon. you had just kept to yourself, preferring to just isolate yourself in your own sorrow. ivan doesn’t think that you ever went outside your room except during physical therapy, in which you were doing very little progress. he understands that one shouldn’t expect to progress very quickly or thrive immediately after the first session—seeing as he was in your place once, wheelchair bound after the failed infiltration in jake’s hideout—but you didn’t seem to improve much, if at all. the hero had grown worried for your condition and found himself visiting you a few more time during the campaign, hoping to be able to cheer you up by playing up his outgoing and enthusiastic persona—after all, if it weren’t for the other heroes’ unending support and encouragements lifting his spirits, he doubts he would’ve recovered as fast as he did. he hoped that he could make you happier, and in turn help you recover faster.

he hoped he could cheer you up, and it seemed like he did. just a little bit. though you returned to being morose shortly after, the young man’s presence brought a smile to your face and his shenanigans often made you chuckle. he had come to appreciate your laughter, and he hoped that they were all genuine. the thought of making you happier pushed him to continue visiting you every so often, and that was when you opened up to him, allowing him to learn more about you. even if he couldn’t divulge much about himself as origami cyclone, you had allowed yourself to speak freely with him. that was how he learnt things like how you had just recently been moved from the surgical unit to the rehabilitation ward and had to go through physical therapy before you could be discharged, how your favourite colour was green, how you were majoring in east asian studies, how your favourite animal was the fox. random trivia about you that he found endearing, details he committed to memory for reasons that were beyond him.

but he knows he was just a temporary distraction for you.

for some reason, he wanted to continue helping you get better. he wanted to see you happy.

the hero remembers his thoughts that day: that there had to be a way. a way to help you. help you feel better. if his lowly self couldn’t do it, then…?

 he remembers when he first stepped in as your former lover (after giving himself a lengthy encouragement to combat his nerves at the door), second guessing himself every step he took closer to your bed, where you had laid listlessly. how were you going to react? the blond hoped you’d take it well… but on second thought, you could’ve gotten angry. maybe you didn’t want to see him. after all, your former lover had wronged you. maybe your despondency had been due to self-loathing and not due to feeling their loss. it wouldn’t do any good if he had accidentally distressed you.

but it was too late to back away now… right?

ivan wasn’t surprised to find that the room remained as immaculate and undisturbed as the last time he had entered: the tv remained off, untouched stacks of books, wilted flowers and get-well-soon cards uncared for. ivan would even wager that your phone hadn’t moved from the same spot since he first met you and was just collecting dust.

the door clicked as it always did when he entered the room, but you had ignored the visitor to continue gazing placidly out the window. you remained lethargic. even as the footsteps got closer to you, you showed no indication that you acknowledged the presence.

even when he stood beside you, only centimetres away.

your clothes along with your undisturbed blanket, covering your lower half, were white, much like marble, while soft golden light bathed you. the way the fabric and tissues rippled gently, a testament of how little you had moved since he last saw you, the way they flowed and the way the golden sunlight gave it a brilliant lustre, gave you an ethereal nature.

like a sculpture of a beautiful sorrow.

alarmingly, were it not for the rising and falling of your chest, he would’ve assumed that you had passed.

thankfully, you hadn’t, and so with what little courage he had left, he finally spoke up.

« hey, i’m back… sorry i couldn’t get by sooner. »

almost like a switch had been flipped, your spiritless form breathed life and you quickly snapped to face the owner of a familiar voice. the instantaneous change in energy had caught him slightly off guard. ivan was worried you may have given yourself a whiplash, with how fast you had jolted upwards to look at him.

neither of you said a word, both of you too stunned to speak.

you had sat up, your body rigid as your hands rested uselessly on your lap. almost as if you’ve just observed a ghost, your eyes were wide and your mouth agape. not quite believing your eye, you continued to stare at him in disbelief and tried to find your words to convey all the thoughts racing in your head: happiness, anger, gratefulness, frustration, relief, hurt, shock. the blond wasn’t any better at making the first move, petrified in place, not knowing what to make of your reaction. were you happy to see him? did you want him to leave? he didn’t know what to say, he didn’t know if he should say anything in the first place in case his words may cause you more distress. ivan looked equally as stunned as you were, the tension making him instinctively draw his arms up.

the hero didn’t know what to do with himself: you were at an arm length away from him. what should he do? hold your hand? embrace you? should he even do anything?

« taylor?!! »

your voice was a hushed whisper, almost as if you were scared that your words would cause the mirage in front of you to disappear.

« you came back... ? your voice was quiet, not quite believing your eyes. is that really you? are you really back?! your voice soon picked up as you grew more assured that you weren’t dreaming. where were you? – i was… i had a lot going on and… he scrambled for an excuse but your actions cut him off. »

he didn’t know what he expected, but he wasn’t expecting you to reach out and embrace him tightly, your arms hooked along his waist as if you were holding onto a lifeline. the sudden display of affection made him tense up, but after a moment of hesitation he mustered the courage to wrap his own arms around you. you had clutched his shirt tightly as you buried your face in his chest, concealing your expression and muffling your voice. he was sure that you could have heard, felt, his heart thumping wildly—he hopes you don’t pay it any mind.

« i missed you so much… » you had said into his chest.

reluctantly peeling yourself off of him, you lifted your eyes to finally meet his and somehow the thought of making eye contact with you renewed his sense of anxiety. what if you found out? what if you knew? he remembers telling himself how it was impossible for you to find any differences between himself and the real taylor, but that didn’t ease his anxiety. you had cupped his cheek and he remembered how he tried to keep himself from freaking out. butterflies were running amok in his stomach: he often heard how it was supposed to be a fluttery sensation that one got when they were around their beloved, but surely it couldn’t be this unpleasant? his heart was racing and he couldn’t focus—this didn’t feel any different from his nervous breakdowns.

the main difference was the warmth on the side of his face. slowly, almost mechanically, ivan brought his hand up to place it atop your own. almost like it has always belonged there. he realised how soft your hands were, even with the callouses along your palm, and that he rather liked the feel of your skin on his. was your touch always this pleasant? he leaned into the contact, reveling in the warmth it stirred within him. the comfort he drew from it was worth the initial uneasiness he had experienced. despite his wildly beating heart and the lump in his throat, he allowed himself to relax enough to lean into your touch and gave your hand a reassuring squeeze.

« you could’v— you paused as your brows knit in slight confusion. you could’ve called or left a message... »

your voice had dropped as you said so. he remembers chalking it up to you being disappointed that he, or rather taylor, never contacted you after their disruptive exit. everything is ok. there was no way you could’ve found out. however, even as you move your thumb to caress his cheek, you continued to look sad. you weren’t exactly asking a question, though your jaw clenched as if you were trying to figure him out. ivan figured you were waiting for an explanation. would you believe him? the blond figured that his nervousness caused him to start seeing things, as he briefly imagined your eyes shining a bright azure. there wasn’t any reason for you to be suspicious of him. everything is ok. ivan shook it off and hoped his tone conveyed his repentance as he comforted you: « i- i’m really sorry i didn’t contact you sooner... i lost my phone and… »

you had a tight smile that seemed bittersweet as you shook your head. « it’s… it’s just water under the bridge... » ivan encountered a brief sense of loss as your fingers slipped away from his. you had retracted your hand and he remembered mourning the loss of your contact, hesitantly letting go of it, though he was happy enough to return the hug that you initiated once more. the renewed closeness allowed you to hide your face into the crook of his neck. « i’m just glad you’re here. »

he had hoped that he had made you happy that day.

were you relieved? suspicious? disheartened? he couldn’t discern the tone in which you said that.

though he would find out soon after.

« i continued visiting them for the rest of the campaign’s duration, to cheer them up. i wanted to help them get better and motivate them to continue with their physical therapy. so after it had ended i thought that it would help if i visited them… as their partner… ivan’s fidgeting stopped abruptly, waiting for the other hero’s response. – i see… the blond was uncomfortably aware of the eyes on him, and fought to keep his anxiety at bay. so you continued meeting them after the campaign had ended? the younger hero nodded to confirm once more. – how long... were you planning on visiting them as that person? »

ivan opened his mouth to answer, but immediately closed it back once he realised he didn’t actually have an answer. it dawned on him that he never made up his mind as to when and how he’d stop meeting you. the day after you were discharged? some time after? and how? by pretending to break up with you (though in a gentler fashion than how it actually happened)? just stop coming? that seemed much too cruel.

it’s true, he’d have to put an end to this soon: he couldn’t continue meeting you under this ruse. it would ultimately cause problems were the real taylor caught them or heard about them. besides, being a hero made this elaborate ploy even trickier to organise. the proof was right there: just recently he almost slipped.

« i’m sure i don’t know all the details so maybe i shouldn’t say, but i don’t think you should use your abilities this way. kotetsu continued. don’t you think it’s unfair to hide the truth from them? ivan flinches at the question. – i-i know that i’m just lying to them by pretending to be their ex… but i don’t know any other way to comfort them… for the most part, things have been going well: they’ve gotten much better and things have been well between us… despite. the blond frowns, knowing full well his words sound like nothing more than excuses to justify and keep pretending to be your ex. but truthfully, he had come to enjoy your company and was rather distraught at the thought of having to stop meeting you. – but if that were the case don’t you think they’d rather see you? the older hero queried. ivan just shook his head. you guys got along well so i’m sure they’d wanna meet you, not as their ex, not as a hero, but as yourself. – why would they? his purple eyes shifted, downcast. sure, as a hero i can pretend to be a better and more useful person than i actually am, like back at the hospital… but in reality i’m just a pathetic nobody. i’m not someone worth associating with... – you may have been wearing someone else’s face, but the person they’ve gotten closer to is you, isn’t it? you’re the person they enjoy spending time with, so even if you told them the truth, nothing about your relationship will change. kotetsu paused for a moment. there’s no way to tell what they’re thinking or how they’ll react, but the longer you keep it a secret the harder it will be to come clean. »

the older of the two turned to face his junior: « it’s okay to be scared, but that’s why you take action instead of pondering the what-ifs and should’ves. so you don’t regret it in the future.

they deserve to know, so you gotta face them. »

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