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house-of-cakes · 4 years ago

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Jamais Vu

Masterlist || Series Masterlist

Prev || Next Chapter 22: And I Oop! 🤭 Jungkook x Reader: enemy to lovers AU

Word count: 1739

Warnings: Swearing, an over confident douchebag and Y/N and JK are major teases Premise: “There’s an opposite to déjà vu. They call it jamais vu. It’s when you meet the same people or visit places, again and again, but each time is the first. Everybody is always a stranger… Nothing is ever familiar” – Chuck Palahniuk, Choke

AKA Jungkook goes in search of the girl who got him expelled.

It’s embarrassing how long this chapter took me to write 🤦‍♀️ If you would like to give feedback or be tagged in this story please send me an ask/message 😊 Tagged list: @inspinkyring @betysotelo18 @kardia-apo-marmelada @casspirit0705 @preciouschimine @therealsugababe @lucedelsole97 @deolly @lexy9716 @thesweetest-peas @sannsia

STORY CONTINUED BELOW THE CUT

A large group of excitable females crowded one end of the bar as the man behind it took two bottles and spun it around with dramatic flare before pouring a generous amount of alcohol into a shaker. Squeals of delight erupted from the crowd as he threw a handful of ice cubes into the air and successfully caught them all behind his back. He finished off the flashy routine by placing the shaker top back on the canister and entertain his audience one final time by dancing in body rolls while he shook up his concoction.

“Who’s thirsty?” He yelled out and in an instant the females grew feral with enthusiasm as they pushed and shoved each other, trying to be the first person to gain his attention.

Y/N observed the scene from the other side of the bar as she waited for her turn to be served. A girl with fire engine red hair managed to wrestle her competitors off and secured the position at the front of the bar. She patiently stood before him, hoping her pleading eyes was enough for him to convince him to invite her for a drink.

Y/N’s nose crinkled in distaste. While she didn’t know the red head by name (she went by the name Red), she had seen the girl around the Basement and knew enough to know she deserved better than him.

“I’m absolutely parched.” Her tone was slow and drawn out in attempts to sound sultry.

Y/N couldn’t contain the fake gagging noise she made. In her eyes the scenario was completely cringeworthy…maybe Red did deserve him.

‘I wouldn’t be caught dead chasing a guy like BeatBox Jae.’ She thought to herself.

Unfortunately, the sound she had made was loud enough to catch Jae’s attention.

An overwhelming amount of excitement welled in his chest when he realised he had the Kim Y/N in his sights. He turned his attention back to Red and gave her the most charming smile as he could muster as he made another big show of slowly pouring out two drinks.

“Sorry, bar’s closed.” He said with no hint of remorse then picked up the drinks and made his way over to Y/N, leaving the humiliation to sink in with poor Red.

“Here.” Jae said as he set the frosty martini glass in front of Y/N “I made you a drink, Beautiful.”

Y/N scoffed in his face and pushed the drink to the side, her blatant act of rejection did not even damper his mood.

“You’re an asshole you know, right? I can’t believe you did that to her!”

Jae nonchalantly shrugged off the comment as he took a sip from his drink. He didn’t care about the feelings or problems of others…if he wanted something, he knew that as the Maknae of The Basement Boys there wasn’t much that was unattainable by him. With a face that looked like it was carved by angels and an ego that was extensively fed his adoring fans of guys and girls…Jae was a lethal combination of charisma and arrogance.

It was exactly this attitude that repelled Y/N from him. “Don’t be like, Beautiful…let me take you out on a date and show you how much I like you.” “Oh really?” Y/N leant forward so that elbows were resting on the bar and cupped her face in her hands, making sure to looked up at him from under her long lashes with a cute pout. “Tell me three things you like.”

Y/N was never discreet about her dislike towards Jae which only made him want her more. The fact that she was now showing genuine interest, made Jae feel like he was finally getting a head in a race he was lagging in.

“That’s easy… You’re hot as hell.” He said with enthusiasm and raised his hand so he could count the reasons as he listed them off “…cute too and the most gorgeous thing in the world.” He grinned proudly to himself, feeling satisfied that he answered the question well.

“Is that all?” “You only asked for three…did you want me to say super sexy too?” His response was smug

Y/N had to force a smile to hide her grimace. Of course the only traits he favoured were those of her appearance. She knew better than to ask those kinds of questions, especially to someone like Jae but once in a while she had the unstoppable urge to remind herself that men were trash.

“Sorry I don’t date guys who fuck around while they have girlfriends.” Y/N pulled herself of the bar and broke the illusion of interest she had Jae under. Though her abrupt change of attuite was enough to give him whiplash he was able to recover quickly.

“I don’t have a girlfriend, Beautiful.” “That’s not how I see it.” The tension grew thick in the air as they stared each other down.

For regulars of The Basement, it was common knowledge that Jae was one to sleep around. However, with her sharp observation skills as The Shopkeeper, Y/N was able to piece together his hidden shame. From what she could piece together it seemed that only the members of The Basement Boys were aware of this convoluted secret and the matter was kept within the crew.

“Don’t be silly Beautiful.” Jae was the first to speak, breaking the tension by playfully ruffling her hair and returning back to his same jovial self “Besides if anyone has to worry about significant others it should be me…your boyfriend has been giving us death glares.” “What?” Y/N asked trying to figure out who in the world he was talking about. Nods his head in the direction behind her before revealing who he is talking about. “SeokJin’s big buff cousin over there.” she turned around spotted a Jungkook looking disgruntled standing a few people back in the line for the bar. Their eyes met briefly before he turned the other way, pretending he wasn’t watching Y/N. “That’s not my boyfriend.” she said rolling her eyes “He’s just angry because he’s a sore loser.” “Thank God.” Jae exclaims as he clutches his chest overdramatically “I thought I had competition for a second.” “You don’t have to worry about that.” Y/N reassures him with a smirk “You actually act to be in the race to have competition.” She cheekily blows him a kiss and leaves him, no longer interested in getting a drink.

Y/N was well aware of the type of person Jae was, so never in a million years would she fall victim to his charms. If anything, she found it enjoyable to shut him down.

‘That should take him down a notch.’ She thought to herself

Jungkook was still facing away from Y/N as she drew closer to passing him on her way back to the balcony, she had every intention to walk by and ignore his existence and yet she had the unstoppable desire to mess with him too. Still high off her interaction with Jae, her body moved on its own accord and before she knew it her body was crashing into his as she purposely tripped herself. As if on instinct Jungkook was quick to wrap his arms around her to prevent her from falling.

“If you wanted me in your arms, all you had to do was ask…there’s not need to trip me over” Jungkook’s eyes widen at her accusation which caused her to chuckle. His arms dropped from around her and he stepped back to create space between them “I don’t blame you though…I am pretty irresistible in my new shirt.”

“Don’t flatter yourself.” He spat out in disgust “I don’t want anything to do with you, especially after I saw you help humiliate that red headed girl.” “Um…Sorry what?” Y/N’s mouth hung open in disbelief, he didn’t really believe she had anything to do with that? “Don’t act like you weren’t involved in that. I bet you couldn’t handle not being the center of attention for once, that’s why you called that bartender over to you.” “Excuse you? I’m not sure what you saw there but you must really have your head up your ass if you think that I had anything to do with that.” “Oh pah-lease!” Jungkook’s arms were crossed defensively “You might have everyone fooled but I see you for who you are… you’re nothing more than a spoilt princess!”

‘A spoilt princess?’

That comment really struck a nerve with Y/N. She had been called many unfavourable things in her lifetime and she had never been offended because to some degree the things they said were true so it never bothered her…she felt there was no point in getting upset with the truth, she accepted every aspect of herself - whether it be good or bad. However to be called a princess and a spoilt princess at that really pushed all the wrong buttons within her.

Y/N refused to conform to her mother’s notions of the importance of beauty and the concept of using her physical attributes to have things handed to her. Y/N valued independence, intelligence and hard work…to have this stranger discredit her like that was deeply insulting to her.

“Look here you jerkfaced asshole.” Y/N’s eyes narrowed as she scowled up at the tall male towering above her. “Maybe if you were a better competitor, you’d be able to win once in a while and then you wouldn’t have to take your passive aggression out on me.”

Jungkook couldn’t hide the grin that had taken over his face, even when Y/N was losing against him she had always managed to keep her emotions in check. This is the first time he had seen her flustered and openly frustrated…He enjoyed seeing her lose her composure.

“Whatever you say…” Jungkook closed the distance between them so that he could lean closer to her “…Princess”

Y/N stiffened when she heard his smooth husky voice whisper in her ear, stirring an unfamiliar feeling of anticipation and delight within her. Those feelings quickly turned to repulsion when her brain had finally caught up to her and realised who she had been talking to. She let out a sound of disgust and pushed him away from her.

“Go fuck yourself, Asshole!” she spat before turning to leave him.

Jungkook watched Y/N storm off as he buzzing with satisfaction of knowing he had be the one to get under her skin for once.

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formulax · 3 years ago

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A Few Thoughts on Family -- Simon Nightingale

I have a “worrying” issue.

I've always had this problem. It was much worse when I was younger, and that’s when I started to keep a personal journal. Even if I wasn't completely honest with myself back then, putting my worries onto paper helped. I was writing them into a book that could be closed and put away. And... it helped me to work through my worries, in a way. Process them and organize them when they came to be too much. Thought is hardly ever simple, after all.

I've been Simon Nightingale for a month now— been myself for a month now. This quaint house has proven to be smaller than what I am used to from a home on land, of course, but the crew gave me more money than I can handle in this small town, and anyway, I’m more than happy with the decision I've chosen. It’s quiet and cozy here, and I'm living comfortably compared to life on a pirate ship.

I’m becoming part of the community. I take my walks to the library, to the market, to the Marigold household, and I've been recognized, been waved to. The librarians know me, and smile when I walk in. There is even a black cat I now feed that follows me to and from my home; company that is much appreciated.

I’ve missed this... but it's not quite the same, of course. I do not hold much social standing here, aside from being “a friend of Angel's,” which admittedly has gotten me a long way in gaining my own friends. But... well that's just it. I am a friend! Not a soldier, or a son of a naval officer. The townsfolk here dislike such people, anyhow, and I’m beginning to think I do as well.

With my newfound free time I've cataloged my experiences in the pirate world and written as much as I could about its wonders, and I’ve hit a bit of a block with it. Overwhelming myself with writing, I suppose. So I've been taking a few days to just exist in my new world, and look inwards at myself (which is something I am not accustomed to one bit).

I mention my “worrying” issue because I've been having a bit of trouble sleeping lately. When I think about Angel, Kipp, and Ezra, I start to feel that dreadful fear. They have not visited yet, and I know that they’re quite busy, but when you see someone every day for so long and then suddenly separate, it’s just... difficult. So, I am nervous. Terribly nervous. Afraid that they will never visit, that they will never return because something tragic has happened. I did ask them to send me a letter every time they stopped at a port.

It’s getting late, and I should rest, but I need to get this written down. Last night, as I was trying to sleep, I had a thought that disturbed me. I wondered if this is how my mother felt when I was away.

I did not send her many letters.

I’ve been spending time at the Marigolds’ place in the market, running errands and putting fresh fish on display for some extra money.

They told me a little bit about Angel.

They did not name him; he was left at an orphanage by his alleged parents, who we now know were Vincenzo Cielo and the (former) Guardian Mariah, with a note and the infamous amulet. The note had a vague explanation, a command to keep the baby loved and cared for, and Angel's name. The Marigolds took the child and heeded the note.

“You two’re good parents,” I said. “You care so much. How do you handle him being away? On dangerous quests, no less.”

Mrs. Marigold looked at her husband and smiled. “Our son is much too stubborn to die,” she said. They both chuckled. (They at times can be a little morbid.) “But anyway, he was in good hands with you, and he is now with Ezra and Kipp. You boys have good souls, you do.”

“He writes,” Mr. Marigold added. “When he’s able. He’ll write you. And it will be pages and pages long.”

It is past midnight, judging by the moon. I can’t sleep, and I need to get some things off my chest.

I am guilty. I will always be guilty, for the rest of my life, about leaving my mother behind as she died. I did not want to see her sick... but I did not want to see her sad either. She was often sad and it hurt my heart and I thought that there was nothing I could do to cheer her up. But somewhere deep down I knew that coming home as a Captain would make her even sadder, and that means that somewhere deep down I knew that she wanted me to quit. She was sad because of what I had become. It all seems so obvious now and it makes me so upset that I sometimes need to cry. It was a mistake to be away for so long. It was a mistake not to write her and tell her about the stars in the sky where I was. It was a mistake to disregard her just as everyone else in my family did.

She was SICK and she was SAD and she was ALONE. I feel like I KILLED her. And now I can never tell her I’m sorry, or show her how much I've changed for the better.

The black cat that has been following me around town is meowing at the window. I’m going to let her in and try again to sleep.

It’s the morning— I feel calmer than I did last night. Talking to the Marigolds about Angel got me thinking about my own parents, and... awful things just seem so much worse late at night. My thoughts got out of hand.

I... well. I did not have a tight knit family. My parents did not love each other— at least not while I was around— and my extended family was as cold as my father was. We did not talk about feelings; my parents hardly spoke to each other at all. I had no siblings, and I did not relate much to my younger cousins.

There was my mother and I, of course, but our relationship was often sabotaged, either by my father or by myself. I think he was jealous of her, of my similarities to her, and so grew to resent her. As I sought to impress my father, I began to resent her too, though I was never conscious of it, and never would have admitted it.

We were closer when I was younger. She held her ground on just a few things, one of them being my physical safety, and as a result I did not go on long trips with my father when I was a young child. I spent more time with her, then; she was my teacher, and I loved to hear her talk about her passions. She read me stories, she showed me local wildlife. We watched the stars for hours on end, and she would help me trace constellations with my finger. The world was so big, and we were so small, and she found that so magnificent.

She was the closest thing I had to a family. And I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had done things differently, but in the spirit of improving myself I know I have to own up to my mistakes, and accept them, no matter how terrible they make me feel. Life would have been so different if it had just been her and I— but that was never a possibility, and lingering in the past isn’t ideal, I know.

The thing is, I have a family now— it’s not conventional in the slightest, that’s for certain— but Angel, Kipp, even Ezra... I consider them family. I have been through so much with them, have watched them grow so much as people; and they have helped me grow, as well. They supported me at my worst, and helped me come to the decision to live like I do now. I miss them all, and it’s frightening to think that they’re out there without me, without my extra protection and guidance.

I don’t mean to sound self-centered. They can take care of themselves. It's just a matter of family. I just want to do things better this time.

I was helping the Marigolds at their shop today, and thank the Lord, a letter from Angel arrived! I just about hugged Mrs. Marigold when she handed over the one meant for me... Pages and pages long, like Mr. Marigold said.

Angel says things have been going well, but everyone is missing me. They’re headed off on another mission— Ezra reportedly had another Eye-induced dream— and they’ll head back in my direction after they’ve done that. He says he’s dying to know how I’ve been doing, and I better be missing them just as much. This is, of course, very condensed.

It is such a relief to hear from them, and I haven’t been able to stop re-reading the letter since I got it. It’s midday, and I’m in bed, the black cat sitting at my side. (She lingers in my house more often than outside now, and I don’t mind.)

Angel's last sentence to me was, “Don’t get too lost in your thoughts, Simon Nightingale— your mother would be so happy for you right now.”

I’ve never understood how he always knows exactly what to say.

#my writing #pirates!#my ocs #important: names & ideas subject to change later on

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gender-critical-analytical · 3 years ago

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not to vent on main, but,,,

tw: mentions of rape and child abuse

I'm moving out of state in a month or so, which is kind of a big deal for me, as I'm still technically a minor. I'm moving across the country with my room mate, who just turned 18, and until we both have jobs and have built enough credit to rent an apartment, he and I are going to be staying with some family of his while he starts college. Before moving officially, I'm taking a brief trip to Florida so his family can actually meet me, and vice versa, and to really get a more full picture of what I'm walking into. I'm not worried too much in regards to his family's opinion of me, they've all been rather receptive to the idea of me moving with him, and his nana (who we'll most likely be staying with) insists that rent won't be an issue and she's happy to have me (partially because my family took him in after his mother's passing; his father is verbally, physically, and psychologically abusive, and my room mate couldn't stand living with him anymore. There was an empty room in my house after my little brother moved in with his dad, and I convinced my family to let him stay with us. None of his family have acknowledged this outright, but I have a hunch that the whole situation has something to do with their immediate kindness towards me, not that I'm complaining).

However, with the move date moving closer and closer, the reality of the situation is starting to really sink in, and I've decided to make plans with a lot of people I know so I can say proper goodbyes, catch up, or even just establish whether or not we'll still have contact; whether I should text them when I'm in town for visits, that type of thing. I think it will be good for me to see familiar faces one last time, and I think having a sense of closure will be good for me. At the very least, it lets me catch up with a lot of people and find out what I've missed over the past year, or however long it's been since I saw them. There aren't too many people I'll wind up making plans with, at least not from my school, since I got booted from my friend group for being a radfem. I have one longstanding friend who I know heard about what happened, and for a while I thought she simply wasn't ever going to talk to me again, but just a few days ago she hit me up and we talked, and it turns out she had just been really caught up in her job and her family life. She made no mentions of the drama at school, and we just chatted and reminisced. She and I both agreed that we should go out for dinner before I leave, and that she wants to keep in contact. There's also a few people from outside my friend group that I went to school with I want to say goodbye to.

There's S, who my room mate talked to a while back. Apparently the word of my exile hasn't reached her, and she took my lack of communication as anger, which I feel bad for now (though she actually might have heard about what happened and simply chose not to make comment when I think about it. She's a detransitioner, and one of the biggest dramas in our eighth grade year was when she bound her chest too tight and passed out outside of the building between classes and had to be carried inside because she couldn't breathe. Makes me wonder if she might have some likeminded thoughts).

There's also R, who's detrans in the opposite direction. He used to be a really violent dude, but he's gotten a lot better about it. He's had a rough home life (not to make excuses) and loves his mother, but hates his father (who has abused both him and his mother physically. I don't know why I meet so many people with terrible traumas, it really just gets worse from here). I see him taking his mother's side as a good sign in regards to his character though, and I'd actually like to say goodbye to him. He admitted that he thought he was trans just because he likes the idea of painting his nails and doing feminine things, and has since decided that he was wrong, and after a while came out as bisexual. He's also taken a lot of steps to stop being loud and violent (he was the type of guy who would punch walls and storm out of the classroom in freshman year) and has actually put effort into learning to calm down on his own (I flipped out on him when he kept calling or texting me when something was going on, which was kind of mean, but he was just constantly sending me updates on terrible shit that I couldn't help with and it was stressing me out) and solving his own issues. So I agreed to come chill with him and his dogs for a bit before leaving.

Aside from them, I have some work friends I want to make plans with. I've quit my job and made a full human resources report, because that place is a shithole and I want to go out with a bang, and it just doesn't feel right to take off without seeing some of the cool people I met one last time.

I intend to visit my little brother. I'll have to text him personally and make plans without my mom finding out, because he has her blocked, and I know he won't see me if he thinks she's involved. he moved out almost two years ago and stated that he didn't want to see my mom again until she was sober, or trying to be. My mom has tried bribing him with gifts to see her, and she keeps getting increasingly more frustrated when it doesn't work. She's also started to resent me for deciding to move, and from telling her that when my room mate and I have our own place, she won't be welcome there unless she's been sober for at least six months. I don't know how seeing my brother is going to go, it's been a long time, and the last time I saw him (around christmas, I went with my mom to drop off her bribes, and he came outside to see me. He sounds completely different now, and he's gotten taller than me) it was very overwhelming. I'm still going to arrange to see him somehow, and hopefully that will go well. I can't imagine all of the things we'll need to catch up on.

And, lastly, I want to arrange to see my cousins. I only thought to visit them in the past day or so, as they're sort of estranged when it comes to my side of the family. They're my mom's sister's kids, and my mom and my aunt don't speak anymore, so I haven't seen them in over 4 years. The family drama started after a holiday party. My aunt is married to an ugly piece of shit man (and, of course, he's a military guy) who's very controlling over her. He raped my mom at the holiday party his wife threw, and when my mom eventually got the courage to tell my aunt what he did, she didn't believe her and sided with her husband.

My aunt has two sons, my cousins G and R. I'm the oldest child in my family, and up until my little sister was born, the only girl. My cousin G is about a year younger than me, and my cousin R is about 4 years younger. Both my aunt and uncle very, very clearly have a favorite between their children (they both favor R) and even when I was little, I was aware that my cousin G was mistreated, although subconsciously. He had a tendency to get upset and cry so hard he would throw up, and he was easily freaked out by loud noises or quick movements. Although I haven't thought about my cousins much in the past few years, I recently stumbled upon my aunt's instagram, and her most recent picture was of my cousins holding their dog (a present from my grandmother that my uncle took credit for. My family had two puggles who had puppies, and we gifted the sweetest puppy to my cousin R as a birthday present. My aunt has always disliked animals, but both G and R had expressed during a visit that they desperately wanted a pet). I hadn't realized just how big my cousins had gotten, and it made me miss them. Along the way, I started to remember just how bad it used to be for G, and I started to wonder how he's been over the years. My biggest worry is that the whole 'cycle of abuse' thing might happen to him. That he'll become aggressive because that's what he grew up with, but from what I can tell he still seems a lot like he was when he was younger. But, knowing his father, things probably haven't gotten much better. His dad is a very aggressive man, who even hit me once before my mom put a stop to it. I sat too close to R when he was opening his birthday presents, and my uncle grabbed me by my hoodie, dragged me backwards, and slapped me. My mom took him into another room and threw a shit fit, but when I think back on it, it definitely gives some perspective on what that household was like, and why G cried so often.

He's still a minor like I am, but the way I figure, by time I'm fully settled in Florida, he'll be old enough to leave the house for however long he wants, and I think that after giving my cousins my socials and my number, I'm going to let him know that he's always welcome to come visit and stay as long as he needs.

long ass vent over

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saiilorstars · 4 years ago

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Dare To Forget Me

Ch. 21: Birthday Blues

/ Previous chapters /

Fandom: Law & Order SVU

Pairing: Rafael Barba x Original female character

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ` 0 ~ 0 ~ 0 ~

Chapter Summary: Montserrat makes her decision about her transfer and returns to Manhattan on the night of her birthday...the day she'd been dreading so much. Rafael wants to help, part of a way to make up to her for his past mistake, but will it turn out fine this time?

While things with Heba's case had died down, though not with a good ending, SVU gradually seemed to fall back into its normal routine that week. There was only one thing that was still up in the air for everyone to see.

Montserrat was on her way out of the bullpen while Rafael was coming in. He walked on like nothing but despite his efforts to keep going, he came to a stop anyways. He had fresh new thoughts thanks to one Carisi who, for some reason, had gotten the idea that he, somewhere along the way, had developed some feelings for Montserrat. Rafael thought that was probably the moment he ever felt so much anger towards one person. Needless to say, he'd thrown Carisi out of his office with the threat that he better not say such ridiculous things in his face again.

That had been this morning. It was lunch time now which had given him some time to think about Carisi's words, no matter how uncomfortable it made him.

"Montserrat?" Rafael had gone back to the hallway and stopped the detective halfway towards the elevator. She turned back and, for the first time that week, she didn't look like she would kill him on the spot. "I know you're not speaking to me but...I just need to say that I'm sorry. Again. I'm really sorry. I was never owed any of your secrets and...I still screwed up."

Montserrat could immediately see differences between now and then. She had finally managed to control her feelings. Before today, she was furious beyond belief. If this was still before, she wouldn't have heard Rafael out - she'd probably curse him and then leave. But that hadn't been getting her anywhere expect for fueling more rage. For her sake - and for the sake of her blood pressure - she needed to calm down. After all, like she once admitted to her therapist, Rafael accidentally letting her secret out took away the fear of having to do it herself. She hadn't been brave enough to tell the squad of her plans. And now, with a clearer mind, she could straight away see the guilt on Rafael's face.

"I know," Montserrat said quietly, even nodding her head to show she'd heard him loud and clear. The mere fact she'd listened was already surprising for Rafael. "And I'm sorry it took me this long to understand."

Rafael gave her an uneasy look. She was acting too strange, too...180. "... you're not upset anymore?"

"I mean, I am but…" Montserrat drew in a deep breath and sighed, "I'm... I'm leaving for Brooklyn," she instead said, now truly surprising Rafael. "I'm visiting their Homicide division for a few days. I think it's a good idea to put some space between me and everything here."

"Right," Rafael agreed, although he wasn't sure why he would. He didn't like it.

"I should be back on Friday."

"Your birthday?"

There was visible dislike for that reminder. "Friday," Montserrat reiterated. She offered him one small smile then turned to leave.

There was a feeling in the pit of Rafael's stomach warning him that even if Montserrat returned, things would not be the same as before. He didn't quite like that either.

~ 0 ~

Montserrat packed light, after all she was only going to be gone for two days. She argued with Kara probably during all her packing and preparation time.

Kara was relentless that Montserrat was running away from problems. And she was not quiet about it either. "Montserrat Irene Novak, this is the most childish thing you have ever done!"

Montserrat scoffed after shoving in a blouse enter suitcase. "Really? Going to observe a different division is childish?"

"When you're doing it to avoid facing reality, uh, yeah it is!"

Montserrat rolled her eyes and continued moving around her room to get the last of her things into a suitcase. "I promise you, Kara, that I am not running away. I really think some space is what I need to clear my head and maybe get rid of any lingering anger I have. Hell, I think it might even be good for us to have some space. We might end up killing each other."

"I think you're doing things wrong," Kara folded her arms. "And it is kind of scaring me because I've never seen you act like this before."

Okay, that one Montserrat would give to Kara. She was confused herself why she needed to do all this just to be okay again. But the point was that she needed to do this.

"It'll just be for a few days and then I'll be back," Montserrat said with a cheery smile.

"Well, what if you end up liking it there?" Kara frowned for a second. "And you don't want to come back."

Montserrat thought about that possibility and could only shrugged. "Then I like it."

"Montserrat!" Kara whined.

"What?" Montserrat laughed for a bit. "Kara, you and I were supposed to be only temporary roommates, remember? I was supposed to find my own place eventually."

"Well, yeah, but…" Kara shifted on her feet, looking more like a child than an adult right now. "You're my best friend. It's kind of fun living with you."

"Thanks," Montserrat offered the woman a smile. "But I just have to go. I'm sorry."

Kara saw there wasn't no point in arguing with her. She'd made her choice to go, but it didn't mean Kara would stop hoping Montserrat hated the place.

~0~

Two steps into the Brooklyn Homicide bullpen and everyone already knew who Montserrat was. She felt bombarded with all the "hello's" she got as soon as she walked in. There was a moment where Montserrat felt overwhelmed enough to turn around and leave.

"Miss Novak," a tall, older man emerged from the Captain's office. He was already gray on the head but he had piercing green eyes that looked like they could catch anything wrong in a second. "You made it. And I see that my squad has already given you a vibe of our dynamic."

"Uuh, yeah," Montserrat couldn't come up with anything to actually say right now. She didn't like being the center of attention from strangers.

"Captain Delisle," the man held a hand to shake with Montserrat. She smiled and shook hands.

"Montserrat Novak. Can I ask how everyone knew who I was before they even saw me?"

"Simple, you're the only redhead we know in the building," one of the detectives answered from their desk. Montserrat turned to give a strange look, making the man laugh. "Kidding. We know your cousin? ADA Novak? You guys got the same hair."

"Oh," Montserrat didn't know if that was worse or better than the former explanation.

"Alright, Detective Novak is here to observe how we run things in this precinct so let's make a good impression," the Captain said. "Novak, if you'd stay you'd be Mulvoy's partner," he directed her towards a man who'd risen from his desk at the call of his name.

"Jake Mulvoy," the detective introduced himself as he crossed through the desks to shake hands with Montserrat.

"Montserrat," she smiled politely. He looked nice enough, though there wasn't that playfulness Sonny seemed to naturally carry.

"Please treat Montserrat well as she visits us. She might become one of ours by the end of the week," Delisle said playfully then spoke to Montserrat. "We can talk at the end of the day to see how you like it here and discuss other things."

Montserrat nodded and was freed to mingle through the bullpen. She got to know the rest of the detectives, which she immediately could tell would not be like her SVU squad. For one, Detective Miranda Kim was, to put it in simple terms, was a downright bitch. It appeared that Mulvoy's previous partner was Kim's best friend who was transferred to a different department. In Kim's eyes, Montserrat was there to replace her best friend.

Great.

Detective Xavier Lance, Kim's partner, was a somewhat better person. He was tall, had a charming smile, and was kind to newcomers. He lamented their old detective's transfer but was excited for the prospect of a new co-worker. He kind of reminded Montserrat of Nick, except that Lance could be a bit more snippy once you started asking questions about their specific cases. It was as if Lance thought Montserrat was there to steal the cases they were already working on.

"Don't worry about them," Detective Connor Shein brought Montserrat to his desk. He wasn't as tall as Lance but he was still taller than Montserrat. He had nice blue eyes and rather shaggy brown hair. "They're a little more on the reserved side. But they're good detectives."

His partner, Detective Paulina Quell, was a smiley blonde woman that made Montserrat instantly think of Amanda. The only difference was Paulina was taller. And no accent. She came to stand beside Montserrat and placed a gentle hand on Montserrat's arm. "Yeah, if you stay they'll warm up to you."

"Would you like to see some of our cases right now?" Shein asked Montserrat and gestured to the files sitting on his and Quell's desks.

"Sure," Montserrat gave a nod. "It'll almost be like a trip down memory lane since I used to work homicide back in Queens."

"You did?" Mulvoy suddenly asked then exchanged looks with Shein and Quell stopping to glance at each other then to look at the ginger.

"You've been around then," chuckled Quell. "Homicide and SVU? Which one do you like better? If that's not a weird question…"

"Well, they each have their own things," admitted Montserrat. "Homicide you don't know how to deal with live victims which saves you a lot of sleepless nights and standoffs with the victims and their families. But SVU gives a little bit more of a satisfaction because when you do get the victims' culprit, you got the satisfaction of knowing that you got the guy and you made justice for someone who's alive to see it." And as Montserrat said these words, she grew distant with thoughts. SVU, however challenging at times, always brought a different type of satisfaction when they were able to put the culprit away because more than often the victim was still alive to see it happen. They could see the impact they made on the victim. Homicide didn't offer that.

"Do you mind if we ask you why you're thinking about transferring here?" Shein asked quietly. "I mean, you've started making a name for yourself back in Manhattan."

"I have?" blinked Montserrat. That's the first time she heard any of that.

"Yeah, you and SVU as a whole. You guys are pretty good at what you do over there," Quell said and had the agreeing nods from the other two detectives. "I mean, don't get us wrong, we would love to have you on board with us but we're just a little curious why you would want to leave that department that's doing so well?"

"Fair question," Montserrat nodded. "It's just personal reasons. Um, just wanting to see if Homicide is my true calling." Well, she couldn't very well say the truth here could she? Still, the answer was deemed good enough for the two detectives.

For the rest of the day, Montserrat spent her time going through cases with Mulvoy, Quell and Shein, featuring remarks from Lance but absolutely nothing from Kim. She got to know a few of the officers lingering in the office, and most importantly she began to get the feel of the squad as a whole.

"So, how do you like it here?" Captain Delisle asked once they were both seated in his office.

"It's different than what I'm used to now," Montserrat began with, considering it was the easiest things you could say that didn't involve a lie.

"I'm sure it is," Delisle nodded. "I've talked to your sergeant and she doesn't seem like she wants to let you go. But that didn't stop her from giving me good remarks about you."

"Olivia's very kind," Montserrat said with a small smile. "Too kind."

"May I ask why you're looking to transfer?"

If Montserrat was score how many times she'd been asked that question today, she'd probably lose count. It was a fair question, she knew, but it didn't mean she wanted to keep hearing it. It involved a lot of things she couldn't (and didn't) want to talk about.

"I used to do Homicide," Montserrat began with what Delisle probably already knew, "And it was hard, sometimes, to see what we had. The corpses. The way they died. But sometimes, SVU is a little harder. We typically have live victims and...hearing what they've gone through…"

"It's tough," Delisle nodded. "But someone's gotta do it, right?"

Montserrat took those words more to heart than she planned to. "...yeah…" She felt her phone buzz inside her pocket but didn't get it right away.

"Well, we'll see you tomorrow then. Hopefully by then you'll have made your decision regarding where you want to be," Delisle got up to shake hands with her then led her out the door.

As Montserrat checked her phone, Detectives' Mulvoy, Shein and Quell called to her from their desks.

"Hey, how'd it go?" Mulvoy's question didn't register for the first few seconds as Montserrat had focused too much on her phone.

A smile came to her face after checking the new text message she'd received from Rafael.

If you haven't already had dinner, try Morgan's Barbecue. I think you might like. Your type of food I...

"Hey, Novak?" Quell's voice finally broke through Montserrat's concentration.

The ginger looked up from her phone with blinking eyes. "I'm sorry?"

Quell only chuckled. "We were just wondering how'd it go with the Captain."

"Oh, it's fine. I'll be back tomorrow to keep observing. Thank you for letting me do that, by the way. I know it's probably annoying to have some newbie looking over your shoulder."

"Nah, it's fine," Shein assured. "Better to know what you're getting into before you put in your papers."

Montserrat nodded. She looked down at her phone for a quick second then smiled. "Would either of you know where Morgan's Barbecue is?"

~0~

As much as they offered, Montserrat reassured the Homicide detectives that she was fine eating dinner on her own. She was tired anyways so she wasn't sure if she'd even eat inside or just do take out in her hotel.

She had to admit the restaurant was nice, though. Its lights were dim to give it a nightly look, but gave off a relaxing atmosphere from the moment one stepped inside. When Montserrat saw bar right on the side, she immediately pictured Rafael coming in at least four times a week. The stock looked pretty full...and good.

She eventually found herself drifting towards the bar counter after having enough of looking around. From there, she looked at the menu and, to her delight, found that there was indeed many barbecue options. After ordering, she started going through the wine selection and was surprised to see so many options. They seemed to have a lot on whiskey so of course Rafael would know the place.

"Now I know why you came here," she mumbled her thought about Rafael. He could get over the barbecue because of what was at the bar. She was so focused on choosing a drink, she didn't notice someone taking a seat beside her.

"Can I buy you a drink?"

Montserrat, of course, flinched and looked up from the menu to find a blonde sitting next to her stool. "Me?"

The man nodded. "Who else? You're the only pretty redhead in this place."

Montserrat cleared her throat and offered one polite smile. "Thanks, but...no thanks."

"Are you waiting for someone?"

"No, but I'm not interested. I've got...things going on." What things Montserrat spoke about she had no idea, but neither did the man anyways.

"I'm James," the man first introduced himself, giving Montserrat the indication he was not leaving soon. "I come here every week, so believe me I know the best drinks here."

"Well, my friend probably came here everyday so I'll just go with his recommendations, thank you," she smiled ever-so-politely as she got up from her stool and picked up her menu and bag, "And just so we're clear, this is my definite no. Don't need to show you my SVU badge, do I?" her snappiness came as a surprise to James but she didn't stop to see his full reaction as she stormed off to take a seat at the very end of the bar.

Okay, maybe she shouldn't have been that snappy since the man hadn't really done anything except ignore her first 'no'.

One of the bartenders, a woman who looked just a bit older than Montserrat, stopped by Montserrat's new seat to chuckle. Montserrat could see the name 'Elise' written on the bartender's name tag. "Nice one. I don't see a lot of snippy women around here. It's like they're too scared of being mean or something."

"Well, I'm a bit guilty right now, so…" Montserrat admitted.

"Oh don't be," Elise waved a hand to the side. "That guy's in here every night trying to pick up women. And let me tell you-" she leaned an elbow on the counter, "-that he is not interested in dating, if you know what I mean."

"Oh, well in that case, screw him," Montserrat nodded, making the bartender chuckle.

Elise gave an approving nod of her head. "What can I get you, then?"

"Honestly," Montserrat put a hand over the closed menu on the counter, "I have no idea. I'm from Manhattan and, really, the only reason I'm here is because a friend who used to live here in Brooklyn told me I should come here. Though now that I think more about it, I assume he only ever came in here for drinks than actual dinner. Rafael's more of a eat-while-on-the-job guy than actual breakfast, lunch and dinner."

Elise seemed to pause for a second, something Montserrat caught but wasn't sure how to ask about it. Luckily, Elise spoke up after a few seconds of pondering. "You wouldn't happen to be talking about Rafael Barba, would you?"

Montserrat blinked, and somehow nodded slightly. "...yeah...how did you…?"

Elise smiled at the woman's confusion. "You said SVU before and then Manhattan, plus what you mentioned about a friend living in Brooklyn? The name was just a bonus."

"Wow, maybe you're the detective in this conversation," Montserrat tilted her head, honestly impressed by the woman.

Elise laughed for a moment, but Montserrat seemed dead serious which just made Elise laugh even more. "Okay, you're definitely his type."

Instead of snapping like she usually tended to, Montserrat quietly sighed and closed her eyes. "I'm not…" she didn't even bother with the same response. She opened her eyes and came at it from another angle. "Can I ask you something?" Elise nodded her head. "I literally said 'friends' like two or three times so...why would you say something like that to me?"

"What -- the being 'his type' thing?" Elise asked and Montserrat nodded. "Rafael used to come here every night, literally every night, when he worked for the Brooklyn DA's office. So believe me when I tell you I know him very well."

"Were you and him…?" Montserrat found herself asking and when she realized it, she felt a warmth on her face. "Sorry. Didn't mean to ask that…"

Elise just smiled again. "Nah. We just really bonded over what drinks were the best. Though due to his profession I lost almost every argument."

"He's snippy but not impossible to win, believe me," Montserrat said all too proudly. "I've won a few rounds against him."

"I believe that based on how you got rid of that guy earlier," Elise smirked. "I told Rafael he'd meet his match sooner or later. Too bad it's not yet happened, huh?"

Montserrat was more pensive than she would've liked to be. As Elise recommended some of the drinks she thought were good, Montserrat's head was somewhere else - more specifically on someone else.

~ 0 ~

"Okay, just, please change if you get a stain or something," Kara trailed after Sonny into the bullpen, ignoring his looks for her to stop talking and the others' amused smiles.

Sonny went straight to his desk and plopped down, but that didn't stop Kara either. She was a woman with a plan today and she was getting things done. "And you said you'd be out by 7:00, right?"

"I guess," Sonny shrugged.

"What's going on, Carisi?" Amanda just couldn't stop smiling at the pair. "You had lunch for an hour, what could you possibly have done in that hour?"

"Nothing," Sonny scowled, and thankfully Kara was still there to clarify.

"I'm just making sure everything's good for Montse's birthday," the woman smiled excitedly.

"Oh right, that's today," Amanda looked to Fin and Nick, all three realizing it was indeed Montserrat's birthday today.

"Yup! And I'm expecting everyone at eight o'clock today. It's Montse's favorite restaurant," Kara wagged a finger at them as if she were speaking with children.

"Yeah, but, Montserrat's still away in Brooklyn," Nick thought Kara needed a reminder since the woman was probably going detail-crazy. "What if she's not back today?"

"She said she would be," Kara shrugged. "I don't think she needs more than 2 days to realize Brooklyn ain't happening."

"How are you so sure?" asked Fin.

"Because I'm Montse's best friend and I know she's not going to stay in Brooklyn," Kara seemed very sure of herself they almost believed it. "So-" she clapped her hands together, "-we're all set for eight, right?"

"Set for what?" Olivia asked as she'd only caught the last part of Kara's question.

Kara looked back to see her and Rafael coming into the bullpen. She grinned, though, because now she had all of them in one place. "Montserrat's birthday, remember?"

The two in question looked at each other then nodded.

"Yes, what about it?" Rafael was the one to ask.

"What do you mean?" Kara raised an eyebrow. "It's today."

"Yes, and she asked us, many times, not to celebrate it," Rafael reminded her, looking pretty serious in that he'd be following the request.

"But that's what everyone says," Kara rolled her eyes.

"But she means it," Olivia said, internally sighing because she knew without a proper explanation Kara would never give up this birthday party. "And that's what Rafael and I are going to do."

"You're not coming?" Kara's face fell but was quickly replaced with offence. "Neither of you?"

The two shook their heads. Behind Kara, the rest of the squad exchanged confused looks amongst each other.

"It's what Montserrat wanted," Rafael reminded once again but with a touch more annoyed.

"Oh of course you're going to listen to her," Kara waved him off. "You still want to get into her good graces."

"I decided that a long time ago. I don't need your incessant shouting for us to do something Montserrat specifically asked us not to."

Seeing Kara getting actually mad, Sonny shot up from his seat with the intention of removing the stressor - which in this case, unfortunately, was his girlfriend. "Kara, let me take you to your car."

"Fine," Kara said and only because she was on a tight schedule. She let Sonny walk her towards the exit but she stopped at Rafael's side. "But you and I both know that Montserrat would want you to come. And you want to be there anyways."

The glare Rafael was giving Kara wasn't something anyone wanted to be caught under, but Kara just smirked and went on her way rather proudly.

Sonny mumbled a quick 'sorry' to Rafael as he followed Kara out into the hallway. Of course once they were out of hearing shot, he had a go with Kara. "You can't do stuff like that!"

Kara just rolled her eyes while she waited for the elevator to open. When they finally did, Sonny blocked the way inside with an arm.

"I'm serious, Kara. That wasn't okay!"

Kara's eyes flickered to the detective, getting annoyed by the second. "Let me go through, right now. I have plans I can't be late for." With a sigh, Sonny did but he followed her in. Kara pressed the down button then stepped back and allowed a heavy silence to fall on them for a couple seconds. "I'm not choosing to be an ass, you know."

Sonny still lightly sighed. "I didn't say that-"

"-no, but you're thinking it."

"No," Sonny said loudly for it to be clearly clarified. "I just disagree with how you're taking this whole...situation. I don't think it's your place-"

"-my best friend is in Brooklyn right now, thinking about staying to live there!" Kara exclaimed and walked out the moment the elevator door opened again. "I have to do something and, unfortunately for Rafael, he's the only one I can think of who can stop Montse. And you know why, Sonny, so stop pretending like those two are."

"Okay," Sonny put his hands on Kara's shoulders, hoping to calm her down before she left the building. Now that he saw where her mind was, he could help better. "You don't want Montse to leave and that's completely understandable. What's not going to work, however, is you harassing both Montse and Rafael. It's not going to end well and you know that."

"I'm desperate here!" Kara frowned. "I don't want her to leave, and much less run away from someone. Doesn't it feel like that?"

Sonny bobbed his head while he considered the idea. "On some level, sure, but...we can't be 100% sure about it. We'll just have to wait for Montserrat to come back and tell us her decision. In the meantime, let's just make sure she has a nice welcome back party."

"It's a birthday party," Kara pointed.

"Well she didn't want that so let's call it a welcome back party or she might just hurt us."

"Good point," Kara nodded.

"So...we good…?"

Kara's smile said it all. "Yeah." She let him hug her tightly for a few minutes before it was time for her to really go.

~ 0 ~

"Just out of curiosity, will you be going to this party?" Rafael simply could not help himself with the matter. He watched Olivia drop her things at her desk and give him quite a look.

"I thought you were smarter than this," she said bluntly. "Of course not. I respect Montserrat's wishes and I wished everyone else did too." Now it was Rafael's to give her a look. She noticed it after sitting down. "What?"

Rafael tilted his head at her, continuing to stare at her until she shifted in her seat. "You know more than I do."

Olivia raised an eyebrow at him, clearly not getting what he meant. "What?"

"You're the only one actually not going," Rafael continued with his words, letting Olivia wallow in confusion for the next minute, "And that can only mean you know exactly why Montserrat hates her birthday. Like Casey."

Olivia shook her head, doing that noise with her mouth that Rafael had come to learn was her 'You got me but I'm not admitting' noise.

"Casey's also not attending," he said for her sake. "What is it that made you and Casey so trustworthy that Montserrat decided to confide in only you two?"

Though Olivia would never openly admit that he was right, she did turn her gaze back on him. "Why do you sound so bothered by it?"

"No so much 'bothered' as I am tired of this same subject."

"Look, I cannot say anything except what you already know. And what we know is that this party will only hurt Montserrat, and us attending - just as everyone else - will only show that we don't care what she decided."

While that sounded logical, Rafael had to disagree. He didn't say it because there was no point. Olivia knew what he didn't, and no matter how much he asked her, she would never tell him because Montserrat wouldn't tell him.

But there was this idea of his that compelled him to do the opposite of what Olivia and Casey were planning. Sure, Montserrat would hate anyone who attended this godforsaken party, but if he, Olivia and Casey didn't go then she would be stuck with the clueless people who believed she wanted the party. At least if one of them went, they could help her out.

~ 0 ~

When Montserrat entered her apartment, it was a literal twenty minute hug-fest from Kara. Montserrat felt truly loved in that moment, as well as a little claustrophobic.

"I'm just so glad you're back!" Kara exclaimed as Montserrat was finally able to peel her off. "And happy birthday!"

As Kara went for another hug, Montserrat dove to the side and wheeled her suitcase towards the hallway. "Thanks, but...please don't."

"Oh c'mon, don't go to your room," Kara tailed after the ginger down the hallway. "Let's go out for some drinks. My treat."

"I'm not in the mood for it, Kara," Montserrat opened her bedroom door and walked in, along with Kara.

"But it'll be fun! And relaxing! Plus, you can tell me about Brooklyn. You can start with whether or not you'll be moving."

Montserrat sighed as she brought her suitcase to her bed. "I just...Kara, I've said this before over and over...I don't like my birthday. I'd really rather stay in my room."

"Well that's just depressing," Kara folded her arms over her chest. "And I'm not leaving until you say you'll get drinks with me."

"You're being extra childish today," Montserrat took notice. "Who pissed you off today?"

Kara would love to say it was her almost boyfriend but she knew if she did Montserrat would never agree to going out. "I'm a little upset you won't come out with me, that's all."

With another sigh, Montserrat turned to her roommate. "I'm sorry. I really did miss you, though."

A smile returned to Kara's face. "Then c'mon! Let's go out! Couple drinks and then we can come home."

Montserrat nearly rolled her eyes. She knew this 'drink night' was really Kara's surprise party that wasn't such a surprise. She did have to hand it to Kara in that she was persistent and thoughtful. She should be more grateful, she knew, but her birthday still felt...wrong. Like, what was she meant to celebrate? Her rapist was still out there, living his own life, while she had to switch jobs, move cities, make new friends.

But you did have some good times, she thought after a moment.

Yes, she did switch jobs but she did find SVU to be a good place. The city was okay too. And her new friends? Yeah, they were good too. She couldn't deny she hadn't been handed some good things this year but...it was hard to focus just on that when the bad was so...impacting.

"Montse?" Kara was now putting her hands together to plead. "Let's go out, yeah? For a little bit?"

"I'm going to regret this," Montserrat mumbled under her breath before agreeing.

Kara was ecstatic and, to Montserrat's surprise, she already had an outfit in mind for the night. Though after a moment, Montserrat realized she should've seen this coming. Still, she told herself to be prepared for this party and its livelihood she wasn't quite ready for.

~0~

Montserrat's mind raced the moment she stepped into the restaurant. Everyone screamed 'Surprise!' and while they cheered for her and wished her a happy birthday, Montserrat kept a tight smile on her face as she thanked each person. It shouldn't have been that hard considering these were people she liked. There was Sonny, Fin, Amanda, Nick...there was Madison and Caroline. Her father was even there, sans Damian, Gael and his daughters.

"Yeah they're still away on that seminar," Montserrat's father said after giving her a hug. "But he wishes you a happy birthday too."

"Thanks Dad," Montserrat said.

"How does it feel being 30 now?" He picked up his glass of bourbon from the table.

"Honestly, not that great," Montserrat knew that was as much as she could say without lying.

He didn't get it of course. "Yeah, I remember that one. But this doesn't mean you're old, sweetie. Just means a new chapter of your life is starting." Montserrat nodded, listening to his words but as seconds passed by she felt like she had to breathe harder. "Could be that this is the year you finally settle down…"

"Oh, Dad…" Montserrat knew this topic definitely wouldn't help her feel any better.

"I'd like some more grandkids, dear--"

Montserrat nearly choked on her saliva. A certain memory was popping into her mind and it was not letting her breathe easily. As her dad went on and on about new grandchildren, Montserrat started to feel like she was going to drown. Eventually, she just couldn't do it. "Sorry Dad, I gotta go." She turned away and made a hasty stride for the entrance doors. She practically shoved some people out of the way, ignoring their dirty looks, till she could see the doors. Her heart was racing and she honestly felt like if she didn't breathe in fresh air she would pass out.

Am I having an anxiety attack? Montserrat realized this was a possibility. It never really manifested past biting her nails but it certainly wasn't impossible. She had feared her birthday for months and now that it was finally here she was spiraling.

She practically slammed the doors behind her and leaned against them, breathing hard and fast but at least she was outside now. Oh dear Lord help me. She closed her eyes for a moment and focused on just breathing.

"Montserrat?"

Montserrat nearly fell from the door - if that was even possible considering she'd been leaning against it - but got her balance in time. She saw Rafael cautiously approaching her, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with her. "You came…"

"Yes, and I know you didn't want this--" Rafael made a nod at the restaurant where they could hear the loud party going on, "--but I'm not here as a guest."

"You're not?" She leaned away from the door and looked him over. He wore a white collar shirt with a dark jacket and matching pants. "Because you're dressed like one."

"I could say the same about you," he countered with the same accusing tone she used, only his came with a smirk.

Montserrat wore a sleeveless, tight, black dress that hugged her body and ended a bit above her knees. There was a golden necklace around her neck, bringing some attention to her plunging neckline. Her red lips didn't smile nor smirk like they usually would.

"It wasn't my choice," she frowned. "Kara had everything planned…everything."

"You don't look good…" he noted her nervousness, accompanied with a frantic glance at the restaurant.

"Yeah, I'm not," she didn't hesitate to confirm. "I'm, well…"

"Not good?"

"Yeah," she bit her lower lip. She awkwardly folded her arms over her chest. "I thought I could handle it but it turns out that I can't, and if I don't get out of here I'm going to lose it."

Even though it was a quick paced ramble, Rafael followed perfectly. "Do you want to go home? You know that's why I came. I may not know what's going on but I would like to help you."

Montserrat could appreciate that and she would take it. She glanced at the restaurant before deciding she really did need to go. "Let's have drinks. Somewhere away from here."

"Are you sure--"

"--yes," she said rapidly. "Let's go!"

Well, he wouldn't argue with that. She looked like she would chew someone's head off at the first chance she got and he was not putting himself on the line. Luckily for her, he was an expert at knowing places that had great drinks.

Once Montserrat was in the presence of a new, peaceful restaurant she seemed to act more like herself. "Thank you." Her gratitude was so quiet Rafael almost missed it.

"Of course."

The two had sat down at a particularly empty bar counter. They'd already ordered some drinks and were just waiting.

"So you came to this party just to...help?"

Rafael bobbed his head. "More or less. My logic was that I'd be the only one who knew you actually hated the damn party so I could actually help you out."

"Well thank you," Montserrat honestly said, and meant it too. Who knows where she could've ended up if he hadn't shown up. "I needed it."

The bartender passed by to hand out their drinks at the same time. Rafael picked his up first and with a light smirk on his face he said, "Not-so happy birthday to you."

Montserrat chuckled as she picked up her own drink to clink with his. "Sure."

"Thirty is an awful year."

"Really? You still remember yours?"

Rafael rolled his eyes. He took a drink from his glass then set it down to reach for something inside his jacket. "Even though it's not a wanted birthday, I hope you'll accept this."

Montserrat's eyes blinked when he set down a small rectangular black box on the counter. "Please tell me you didn't actually buy something…"

"My mother would kill me if I went to a birthday party without bringing a present," Rafael said and looked dead serious about it too.

"I gotta meet your mother some time," Montserrat smirked for a moment then looked down at the present again. "But, I mean, you shouldn't have. And I know that's what a lot of people say and don't mean it but in this case I do. You shouldn't have because I said I didn't even want a birthday."

"But I'm happy you made it to another birthday. It's a small win but an important one nonetheless. And I don't know what your year was like before coming to Manhattan but I am glad you made it here."

Montserrat blushed against her better instinct. "Wow, didn't think you could say things like that." Rafael frowned for a moment, about to ask what she meant by that when she spoke up again, "... I'm staying at SVU." She rested her arms on either side of her drink.

The sweet smile on her face unintentionally reminded Rafael of a time, months ago, when they had drinks together after working their first case; though now Montserrat had shorter hair and was far more comfortable with him. Whether or not he'd wanted to, he ended up smiling as well.

"What made you decide that?"

"Honestly? It's just not the same as Manhattan," Montserrat shrugged. "Everyone's nice there, but...I like it here."

"I did say Brooklyn wasn't as nice as Manhattan," Rafael picked up his glass again to take a drink.

"Well, there were some things that...were good," Montserrat had a secret smile on her face that grew when she said, "I, uh, went to that restaurant you suggested and wouldn't you know it? I met your old friend, Elise."

Rafael choked on the alcohol in his mouth. "What?" came the scratchy voice a second later.

"Yeah," Montserrat started bobbing her head. "She remembered you and she had a lot of stories to tell."

"Don't…"

"Should we start with June 2012? The day you-"

"-I said don't, Montserrat," Rafael warned. Even the way he said her name had become sharp, but not at all terrifying. In fact, she started to laugh instead.

It didn't stop her from re-telling all the stories Elise had confided in her. And boy was there a few. With each story, it got harder for Montserrat to say it without laughing...until she just couldn't stop.

"And here I thought you went to Brooklyn for work," Rafael sourly said, side-glancing her laughing figure. He had to admit, however, that he preferred this Montserrat over the version he had earlier. She was happier, livelier...just her.

"I did, I did, but-" Montserrat couldn't help it. She just couldn't do it. She brought a hand up to her mouth to cover her laughter, but she had to lean away to get all of it out.

"Happy birthday I guess," Rafael raised his glass to the air as if toasting before taking a last drink.

"Okay! Okay! Okay! I'm done! I promise!" she had to take in a deep breath in hopes of finally calming herself down. "Here, let's switch subjects." She raised her hands to show she was done, or at least that she was going to try and be done. She noticed his present was still sitting on the counter, unopened, and that just couldn't be. "I know what'll help."

"Will it though?" Rafael sent her a hard look that subsided once she smiled again. She really had a knack for that smiling thing. Her nose seemed to crinkle each time.

Montserrat ignored his snippy question, as well as his look, in favor of the present. When she took its lid off, she found a rose-gold necklace inside with a pendant in the shape of a ballerina. The ballerina was in a dance pose - one foot on the other leg - with her skirt outlined with silver stones.

"That is...beautiful," Montserrat gawked with widened eyes. "This could not have been a $20 gift."

"You are not guilt-tripping me for this," Rafael warned, but she could see he was shifting in his stool. She was right.

"I can't take this," she shook her head. "It had to have been expensive. I can't--"

"Well, you have to because I'm not taking it back," he looked her dead in the eyes and told her the same thing with them. "It's for you." Montserrat opened her mouth as if to protest but...there wasn't much to do if he'd already decided against it. "It's for you and your ballet dancing dreams."

The fact Rafael still remembered that she'd once said she'd originally wanted to become a dancer was...it made her feel special.

She smiled so widely it could've cracked her face in two. "Can't believe you remember that."

"I remember everything you say," he said matter-of-factly then smiled for a brief moment, "Even when you're yelling it at me." She chuckled but gave that to him.

"Thank you," she said softly. She drew her hands to the back of her neck and unfastened the necklace she was already wearing. She put it down on the counter and gingerly picked up the new necklace.

"You need help?" Rafael asked her after watching her trying and failing to put on the necklace on her own.

"Please," she said and handed him the necklace. "But don't break it. You break it, you buy it."

"Because I haven't already done that?" He got up from his seat like she did.

She turned away and raised her hair off her back, giving him perfect access. As his hands moved forwards on each side of her neck, she could smell whiffs of his cologne. Each time she smelled it, she remembered she loved it. Get ahold of yourself Montserrat, she berated herself. She always did this. Every time. Without fail. Like it was a--

Rafael's fingers had brushed along her skin. He hadn't meant to, of course, but it was impossible to avoid.

Oh dear Lord. Montserrat felt chills and she really wished she could stop acting like a teenage girl but it was so difficult.

Putting a necklace on someone shouldn't be taking so long, but for some reason Rafael doddled with the task. He could smell Montserrat's perfume from where he stood and each time he did he felt like backing away was out of the question. He couldn't budge from his spot even when he was more than unprofessionally close to her. He'd never stand that close to, say, Olivia? Or Amanda?

But Montserrat was different. She always was. Whether it was her ability to keep up with his mouth or handle his snark, she always had something to throw back at him. It was like she had the perfect talent - the perfect ability - that allowed her to pull the right strings with him. And he really liked it...but it was really wrong. When his fingers touched her skin, he felt her flinch in surprise. Yet when he set the necklace on her and let his fingers stroke down her exposed skin, she didn't shy away from it.

Montserrat turned around to face him and let her hair fall back over her shoulders. "How does it look?" She asked, raising her head to give him a better view of her necklace, though Rafael could see a little more than just her neck.

"...good," he said, sounding like he needed more air. Even his nodding was off. Maybe Montserrat knew why, maybe she didn't...but she probably did. "We...should probably go," Rafael's suggestion went right over Montserrat's head.

"It's not that late, is it?" She stepped closer to him, if it was even possible, and brought her hands to his chest.

Rafael was pretty sure it wasn't late but that's not what he was going for. For someone who rarely felt nervousness, this was probably his worst case. She smelled absolutely delicious, and if he got into how she looked right now...I'm losing it. How the hell am I losing it?

Montserrat smiled sweetly and unknowingly answered his question. He watched her fingers stroke circles over his chest, playing a wicked game with him. His hand suddenly snatched one of her wrists and after taking her second one, Montserrat thought enough was enough. She kissed him.

It was surprising but Rafael wasn't ready to pull away. Her lips tasted of alcohol and when he put his hands on her waist he discovered she was curvy. He wrapped his arms around her, unknowingly reminding Montserrat that, apart from his scent, she loved the feeling of his arms. It was probably the first thing she ever noticed about him. Back when she was his witness, 9 months pregnant, he'd caught her in a moment of imbalance. He was able to once again see the very light freckles under her eyes and she saw the flecks of brown in his green eyes. He was strong, and the way he held her made her feel...protected? She didn't know if that was the right description, but it was close enough. To have him back, like this, was even better.

The two seemed to find their fit with each other in a matter of seconds (which, if they'd been more in-tune with reality, they would've been surprised by). It could've been minutes of beautiful bliss if someone's cell phone hadn't gone off.

Rafael was in a daze as he got to his phone in his pocket. He wasn't even sure if he'd actually answered it but upon hearing Sonny's voice on the other end of the line, reality started settling again. Montserrat watched him with more or less of the same daze in her eyes.

"Have I seen Montserrat?" He repeated what he was being asked. He saw Montserrat silently shake her head, almost looking like a plead. "No. I didn't even go." Rafael scrunched his face for a second, looking like he was getting irritated by the second. "I know what I said, Carisi, but I didn't! Go find her yourself!" He ended the call with that snap and turned away from Montserrat. He pressed his hands on the bar counter and leaned forwards, closing his eyes for a moment.

She recognized the look on his face. It was regret. And it hurt.

"I'm sorry, Montserrat," he apologized quietly. She opened her mouth to respond, but he cut her off before she could say anything, "It's unprofessional. And it's…" he leaned away from the bar counter and faced her once more. He looked her over, wishing nothing more than to have her all to himself.

But it wasn't right.

Least that's what he kept telling himself over and over.

Montserrat, being who she was, couldn't take his words without protest. "You can't tell me this after a kiss like that. You want me like I want you." The fact the words slipped through her lips so easily didn't even faze her at the moment. She'd need a few hours.

"Yes, but it's not--" Rafael forced himself to stop before he got more upset. He took a deep breath in and started again, though he knew he had to keep it short so that he could get the hell out of there without falling back. "It just wouldn't work. Your age, our jobs...the way we are with each other? It just can't."

Montserrat's eyes widened slightly at his words but only briefly before anger started settling across her face. That was the moment Rafael knew he had to leave. He knew if he faced her while she showed clear pain that he caused, he would not be able to leave her. At least with anger he could tell himself she'd hate him and that'd be the end of that. If he was lucky, maybe it would work out that way.

Either way, he didn't know because he finally walked out.

He was right, though, because Montserrat only spent a few minutes in rage before anguish sought her.

#ocappreciation #svu #rafael barba #svu fics #rafael barba fics #svu imagines #oc: Montserrat Novak #fic: dare to forget me

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purplesurveys · 4 years ago

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1009

survey by spiritt

Do you play minesweeper or solitare or anything to pass the time? That’s what I did on my old Windows laptops whenever the internet would go out for a long period of time, but I haven’t had to do so in a while now. I’d sometimes play pinball as well, but in the end solitare ended up being my favorite.

Do you believe in life after death? No, I just think of it as sleeping for a very long time which is comforting enough for me to be okay with death. If I think too hard about what can potentially come after, I just get overwhelmed.

What do you think of Oprah? I don’t really think about her in any type of way. I know she had a wildly popular talk show and that she made fortunes out of it and that she occasionally gave out a lot of freebies to her screaming audience from time to time, but other than that I guess I never really cared.

Do you write a lot of surveys or do you just take them? Answered this super recently; I just take them.

What's something you're really good at? Beating deadlines, playing with dogs, and overthinking. Sometimes I do these individually, and sometimes I do them all at the same time loooool.

How big is your bedroom? Not very. I was supposed to have a much larger room in the house, but my sister and I were meant to share it. But after sharing a bedroom with my parents and siblings in our old house, I didn’t want to have to share with anyone anymore – so I called dibs on the bedroom that was meant for my brother; and considering my brother was only 4 when we moved in, it’s not the biggest room in the house. But I took it because I jumped at the chance of finally having personal space, and that’s the story of how I ended up having the smallest bedroom in the house haha. I never saw a reason to complain about it though, honestly...I’m only here to sleep, cry, work, and take surveys. As small as it is compared to other rooms, it provides me with all the space I need.

Do you like to go bowling? I do love bowling. But going to bowling alleys is just so expensive I never really get to go and play a few rounds. And because I’m a bit of a sore loser, I like to keep the bumpers up whenever it’s my turn, ha.

Do you usually remember your dreams? I remember them for a few hours but unless I write them down, I’ll also forget them within the day.

Do you think they mean anything? I don’t think they necessarily reveal a lot; but my dreams are very reflective of what I’m going through and/or my emotions at a given time. So I wouldn’t say they reveal, but rather reiterate.

Have you ever had a crush on a teacher? Yes, but only in high school. In college, one of the professors from the communication research department is super gorgeous and has the most amazing posture and wardrobe, but I never took her classes.

Besides bzoink, which websites do you frequent? Google Suite, YouTube, Reddit, andddd I’ve recently gone back to Twitter because I missed society, tweeting out my thoughts, and being updated with news. Isolation was also starting to not be good for me, so I had to go back.

Who was the last person to come to your house? My grandma and one of my cousins. They came for a quick catch-up and my cousin even got pizzas for us, heh <3

What's your birthstone? Do you have anything with it? Diamond. No, not yet at least.

Have you ever had carpal tunnel? Nope. My wrist has felt exhausted many times before, but I don’t think it was actually carpal tunnel syndrome.

Are you one of those people who is really smart but has no common sense? Hahahahahaha. Yeah I can be, and I’ve occasionally been told that before. I can be a little ditzy, I guess.

Do you think fast? Yes, but I’d rather not. It’s a lot of pressure to think on my feet most of the time.

What browser do you use? Chrome, but I’m increasingly thinking of making the shift to Safari because I’ve just been starting to realize how sleek and clean it looks. I probably wouldn’t simply because I’ve been on Chrome ever since I discovered the internet lmao, but I’ll give it a couple of trials nonetheless and see if I like it.

Are you clumsy? Yep. Tripping is a regular, familiar occurrence.

Paste the last thing you copied. “We were unable to authorize the payment you used to sign up for WWE Network, and as a result your WWE Network subscription has been cancelled.” I’m still figuring out how bank stuff and online payment work and so far no one has wanted to accept my subscriptions. Must be doing something wrong that I haven’t found out yet. I feel welcomed to adulthood, indeed.

Have you ever eaten at Hooters? No. We don’t have them here; but even if we did I dunno if I’d wanna go inside.

Do you like turtles? I certainly don’t dislike them.

Do you have to have goggles when you swim? No. I don’t mind the discomfort tbh, it’s not all bad.

How long can you stay awake? Just a few hours shy of 24.

Where were you going the first time you were on a plane? Boracay.

Do you have a good memory? Too sharp for my own good.

Are you usually more blunt or polite? Eh, I’ve pretty much mastered both. I use either tone whenever necessary.

Does it take a long time to get to know you? Except in the case of this blog, yes.

Is there a specific historical period that you're interested in? Anything but the Middle Ages; for some reason I find that particular period very uninteresting. The whole thing about the knights and peasants and land and feudalism just never grabbed my attention.

Tell me something funny that happened today. I went to PhilHealth today to get my ID and was super excited to take another step into being an independent adult and getting to stuff another Grown-Up™ ID in my wallet. The ID I got is nothing more than a flimsy fucking piece of paper. Barely an ID. This is also the same health insurance corporation whose higher-ups were discovered to have stolen P15 billion from the people’s funds, so. My country never disappoints; a comedy show through and through.

Do you know anyone with a really obnoxious laugh? No.

Do you hold grudges? Yes.

How much was your allowance when you were a kid? P100 a day back in high school.

Can you do push-ups? Very shakily.

I usually assume people online are girls. Do you do anything like that? ??? That’s weird, but okay. Also no I don’t generalize like that.

When you were growing up, did your family move around a lot? Only when I was an infant, so I don’t even remember those times at all.

Do you use public transportation? No. I would if they invested in it and improved on it, but I don’t see that happening.

What's your favorite punctuation mark? I don’t have one.

Have you ever had surgery? No.

What's something you're really proud of? The way I’m slowly learning to be independent. Life-wise, singlehood-wise...it’s terrifying most of the time and I still break down at least once a day. But I’m still alive and doing this survey and breathing, so I must be doing something right. Here’s to feeling and getting better; I know I want to get there.

#survey #surveys

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tarmairons · 6 years ago

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re: that last hp ask i got

i know i said i wouldn’t be cross-posting my bellamort/dark au/riddle fam headcanons from twitter but i’ve decided to post a lengthy updated masterpost here after all so ENJOY bon apetit

1. see the thing is that 90% of my hcs can’t be described with words bc they’re just.. feelings.. aesthetics.. vibes.. vague scenarios that make me feel some sort of way… the dark au has a certain Feel and i just stick a bunch of domestic concepts in there and shake it all up and that’s it shshsh

2. disclaimer: im like 75% sure my self indulgent ramblings won’t make sense so sorry about that

3. i was fully serious that one time i said on twitter that voldemort’s no.1 priority after taking over the wizarding world was doing sth about his snace (snake face) so yeah. first things first he’s not as fugly in the dark au. as mentioned previously he just looks like mr. ralph and probably wears ornate haute couture power suits

4. the public doesn’t actually know who the augurey is for YEARS… they know whoever it is is voldemort’s second in command and sure there’s rumors that he has an heir but nobody knows it’s delphi. this way she doesn’t have to be reclusive and hide away, she just lives her life, studies and trains, masters the art of dark magic, hangs around town etc, and no one suspects anything bc who would think this tiny super friendly innocent looking girl is the dark lord’s kid — her identity isn’t revealed until she’s deemed Ready to publicly take up her position. and when she is revealed it’s a Big Moment bc she’s a drama queen and lives for attention

5. delphi is taller than bellatrix

6. speaking of bellatrix. she’s presumed dead after the battle of hogwarts which turns out to be a cool bonus for the dark side. any leftover resistance? she’ll take care of that and they’ll never see her coming. tbh this seems a lot cooler in my head bc movie bellatrix would not be stealthy enough to stay hidden for years she would probs trip over something and accidentally commit arson within a few days. but yeah sneaky assassin sounds sexy. plus to be super honest i imagine bella is a teensy bit more collected than in the films... no shade at helena y’all know i would die for her but there are in fact things i would change about her bella. so yeah for a while the only people who know she’s alive aside from her immediate family are probs rod and the malfoys

7. hm so. the malfoys…. much to think about. narcissa did lie to voldemort’s face during the battle so logically he should have killed her the moment he realized she knew harry was alive all along. but this is a soft dark au so let’s pretend bellatrix was like hey dude don’t kill my sister maybe and voldemort was like k. i mean no harm done, harry potter is properly dead in this universe after all

8. but seriously tho. the only reason voldemort didn’t yeet narcissa into a wall was for bella’s sake. he’s nice like that, he probably promised her at one point that he wouldn’t violently murder her family. peak romance

9. delphi is surprisingly close with both her parents although with voldemort it’s more of a mentor-student relationship than a parent-child one bc he’s Like That. growing up it was always bella who insisted they treat delphi more like a child and less like a weapon and voldemort wasn’t always happy about that bc he’s emotionally constipated and also never had a childhood. also he’s, like, evil. so yes, reminding voldemort that delphi was her daughter too sometimes got bella in trouble bc we all know of voldemort’s superiority issues. but no bella didn’t stop insisting that delphi deserved an actual childhood and in the end they compromised like functional adults and delphi turned out pretty well for someone raised by 2 of the most terrifying people alive

10. but yeah that’s not to say voldemort and kid delphi never had soft moments. they did. he even picked her up every once in a while. everyone was surprised, bella most of all. she probably cried in the bathroom later bc the softness overwhelmed her. i’m not sure if i mean that in a sarcastic shitpost kind of way or if she was really moved to tears. y’all decide for yourselves

11. delphi looks very very much like bella but she has tom riddley eyes.. so dark they’re nearly black. and soulless. maybe they even flash red when she’s enraged. and she has very aristocratic very controlled tom riddley mannerisms. it’s not until you piss her off and she goes off the rails that the bella side of her personality kicks in

12. delphi gets along really well with the malfoys (except lucius. she thinks he’s pathetic and likes to tease him. in a friendly way but it’s still harsh. she gets that from her mom) esp scorp. scorp thinks this makes him cool at school bc he gets to fist bump the augurey and not get murdered for it

13. speaking of hogwarts. umbridge is scared shitless of delphi and it’s always a school-wide spectacle when the augurey drops by unexpectedly on official business and umbridge starts stuttering and quivering. scorp sometimes makes a point to approach umbridge and delphi when they’re talking and act all chummy-chummy with his cousin just to make himself look powerful and Cool in front of umbridge and the other students

14. i still don’t know whether voldemort would call delphi ‘delphini’ or just ‘delphi’… i imagine he’s a strict stick-up-his-ass kinda father but who knows. he does call bellatrix ‘bella’ but that’s different i guess

15. but THEN AGAIN he does have a gigantic soft spot for delphi too. maybe he slips up every so often and calls her delphi. i’m literally making this shit up as i go along i’m just smashing my mf keyboard and occasionally glancing at my messy hcs notebook. I TOLD YALL i don’t have solid hcs i just have VIBES and AESTHETICS. the only way you’ll get specific hcs out of me is if you ask very specific questions

16. weirdest brotp is delphi and rodolphus. nobody knows where that came from but they get along so well and it confuses everybody

17. we been knew that bella is batshit crazy and criminally insane or whatever but against all odds she is a surprisingly good mother. she’s always been soft for family (narcissa etc) so it makes sense that she would legit die for delphi. they have this super casual bantery relationship YALL GET ME bella is so proud of delphi she’s literally that “my little baby off to destroy people” meme!!! honestly mother-daughter relationships are my goddamn weakness i would die for the two of them

18. delphi has a gf (underdeveloped oc time!) who, for the longest time, doesn’t know who she is dating bc delphi is obviously not allowed to say. she finds out the truth eventually and she is properly freaked out for a very very long time. and since all of these hcs are stupidly soft we’re just gonna keep making them softer: the gf is terrified of delphi’s parents at first (obvs) but they’re both extremely fond of her (well, bella is, voldemort probs doesn’t care all that much about who delphi is dating so long as she’s not of subpar blood status or secretly spying for the opposition ya know. as long as delphi trusts her he does too)

19. no but really voldemort trusts delphi and bella implicitly. with delphi it’s bc he raised her and he trusts her to be loyal bc she knows no other way, she was meant to be an extension of his power etc. but with bella it’s something he learns over time, to trust her judgement bc despite her many many flaws she’s very perceptive and usually right

20. voldemort probably makes more horcruxes. still haven’t decided how this ties in with the fact that he’s now safely immortal again and neither delphi nor bella are. who knows maybe they all do the do and split their souls. much to think about. feel free to send ur thots and ideas my way

21. ya know im basic and always on my bellamort bs and therefore: as the years go by voldemort warms up to bella. not that he wasn’t already extremely fond of her before but he kicks it up a notch. i mean, he’s already taken over the world so it’s high time to start experimenting with other wilder things like Feelings. 80/90 years old isn’t too late to experience Love or whatever. might as well wake up one day and realize you’re completely and utterly in love with the woman you’ve spent the last 50+ years with whew. LIKE to be fair bella knows him better than anyone — they understand each other, they’re familiar with each other’s likes, dislikes, mannerisms, nervous tics etc etc. let’s be real it freaked voldemort out at first, being vulnerable to any degree (not that he let it show) but it just became so easy to tell her things that it became a natural thing to do. and obvs he trusts her to keep everything between them and never judge him for anything so that’s sweet

22. y’all keep asking me for domestic hcs but what can i possibly say?? imagine literally any domestic scenario ever and just think bellamort and i’ve probably imagined that same scenario before. except its sexier bc the world is dark and evil and they live in a dark gloomy super fancy manor. so we have these 2 goths right but they’re in love but in that casual familiar way YALL GET ME and sometimes they even drink coffee together in the mornings or like. do that thing where Person A returns from work late at night and its dark and raining and Person B is already home just chilling and they don’t even have to talk they just go about their nighttime routine but it’s soft and familiar and COMFORTABLE. i clearly dont have enough softness in my life i just. love domestic scenarios bye

23. i forgot everything else i wanted to write bc i got distracted by domesticity. im also thinking about how voldemort absolutely despises the thought of any pda but he’ll take bella by the wrist in public every so often when he wants to get her attention, or like. put his hand on her back. small things but oh so soft

24. hhhh okay i have a LOT to say about the power fam’s fashion choices but it’s hard to explain without pictures. i have a wholeass ppt presentation but i’m not about to upload 20+ slides to tumblr. but i seriously was not kidding when i said voldemort wears fancy suits and yes i have references. meanwhile delphi is a fan of feathers but mostly goes with lowkey military-style outfits.. she’s practical yet ostentatious. bella sticks to a conservative yet undeniably sexy selection of evil looking dresses.. i should make all of these into pinterest boards hmm

25. controversial opinion but i think delphi knows she and voldemort are half bloods. so does bella but that’s a whole other story, she been knew. anyhow yeah delphi was told the truth bc it was better for her to find out from the source rather than hear rumors from the opposition and begin to distrust the foundations of voldemort’s whole empire and voldemort himself

26. i used to absolutely hate fics where bella would eventually call voldemort by his name but now im like FUCK THAT we don’t do guilty pleasures anymore we just stan ridiculous things and that’s that. one day voldemort had a Thought (shocking, i know) and was like. Hm so we have a wholeass child and we’re basically married maybe bella shouldn’t have to call me My Lord for the rest of her life. BUT ONLY IN PRIVATE. THATS BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM it’s nobody’s business. It Is Nobody’s Business

27. speaking of marriage. bella and rod got divorced a few years after the battle. it was just a formality tho let’s be real. they remained very close friends tho!!!!!!!! i think that’s an unpopular opinion among bellamort stans but i genuinely believe bella and rod were always close the way best friends or family are ya know. rod really loves bella but as long as she’s happy he’s happy even if it means her fucking the dark lord on the reg or whatever

28. going back to #6 — when the public finally finds out that bella’s alive they obviously start to wonder about her and voldemort and connect the dots re: delphi etc but nobody ever gets any concrete answers bc there’s never any public pda.. any sort of affection is limited to when it’s just the two of them. and obviously it’s not like voldemort gossips about his private life in tabloid interviews or whatnot. ALSO the whole Bella Is Alive reveal isn’t nearly as dramatic as delphi’s big moment.. it’s more discreet and insidious in that way it implies that she was there hiding in plain sight all along. and if the ministry can keep sth this big a secret, what else are they hiding.. ah classic intimidation tactics of an authoritarian regime

29. i dont think this is ever stated in the CC but in terms of politics and bureaucracy i imagine voldemort has a fancy office in the ministry and spends 99% of his time there and rarely spends any time out and about. he’s almost never seen by anyone, rarely attends events etc. delphi’s the one who handles the day to day shit in the wizarding world. she’s like.. the public relations manager.. between the public and voldemort

30. bella is of similar status within the ministry but that’s just bc people are scared shitless of her. she doesn’t actually hold any political power and she most certainly does not want to, that is not her area of expertise at all

31. delphi is dangerously powerful and i think that’s really sexy of her

32. re: #21 it’s like. as voldemort warms up to bella, she in turn chillaxes a bit with the whole blind devotion thing and becomes bolder with him like. she’ll outright question his decisions or tell him what he should do, make judgement calls etc. and it becomes a regular thing.. turns into this casual companionship ya feel.. i won’t say they become equals bc that’s just unrealistic but he certainly stops treating her like his inferior. he recognizes her value and i daresay her authority and stops treating her like shit all the time Wow Romance Is Alive!! (this sounds like some sort of “douche fuckboi changes for his poor mistreated love interest” schtick but it’s really not that bc they’re both monstrous people who do not deserve any pity so jot that down. they’re horrible and they deserve each other and they eventually do make it work and i am so so happy for them)

33. it is never outright stated that voldemort can’t love. jkr has said that he doesn’t understand love and that it’s just symbolism!!! that he’s the child of a loveless union and grew up without knowing love!!! BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN HE PHYSICALLY CANNOT LOVE thanks for coming 2 my ted talk. i wasn’t aware of this until a few months ago and i was thrilled to find out my soft hcs are not entirely ooc after all

34. THE POINT IS. THEY ARE A SEMI-FUNCTIONAL FAMILY and i just really love soft domestic scenarios so sorry jkr but the dark au is the only canon now and it belongs to me. everybody has feelings and everything is soft. i’d like to pitch an idea for a kuwtk style reality show but it’s these 3 sociopaths under one roof navigating family life and wizarding world politics

35. to finish i’d like to apologize for downplaying the fact that all 3 of the people i woobified in this post are psychotic murderers and tyrants etc

—— i’ll be updating this if/when i remember anything i forgot AND ALSO send me ur thoughts and comments and constructive criticism etc pls pls pls

—— follow me on twitter and also curiouscat bc i get a scary amount of q’s about voldemort’s sex life thank you and goodbye

edits:

36. in this household we stan dark haired delphi. no i will not be taking any criticism regarding this particular fact

37. bella and voldemort never get married. obviously, because that’s a disgustingly romantic and pointless thing to do. it’s sentimental and unnecessary (well, voldemort thinks so, bella might just disagree but she’s not about to force his hand) BUT that’s not to say they’re not basically an old married couple anyway. AND as much as voldemort thinks love is weakness or whatever he knows this, that they’re about as close as two people can get. SO if he just so happens to gift her a ring.. well it’s a purely symbolic gesture but the implication is definitely there

38. it’s the horcrux ring. he trusts her that much. m y h e a r t

#hp #harry potter #bellamort

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cassiemortmain · 6 years ago

Photo

Erin go Bragh!

Ireland forever! New story in my collection of AU ficlets from the Bransons’ life in Ireland - their marriage, their children, their work, and their experiences of life during the turbulent years of the 1920s and beyond. Also published on ff.net.

It’s been a while since I posted one of these stories... this one is something I have wanted to write for a long time. Happy New Year, lovely fandom!

All images not mine.

***

The Count at Ripon

"Really, Branson, I thought I gave the orders."

Lady Sybil's words ring in Tom's ears as he finds a place to park the car, then comes racing back to find her.

She is so reckless, so passionate. Qualities he normally admires in her.

But today, he feels they are going to get her into trouble. Both of them, if he is honest with himself.

Can you imagine what would happen to me if anything goes wrong here today? I'll be out on my ear.

Running under the archway, Tom shades his eyes from the brightness that breaks over him as he entered the courtyard.

Where is she?

He can picture her even before he finds her. Eyes wide, mouth in an O of excitement, standing on tiptoe as she tries to see what's happening on the stage.

Then he sees her. About halfway towards the front, her hat bobbing in a sea of people.

He shoulders his way through the crowd, his one thought to get to her before anything happens. "Can we call it a day, milady?"

He can hardly hear Lady Sybil's reply over the tumult. "Don't be silly. This is the moment we've come for."

The speaker on stage continues to bellow over the roar of the unruly crowd as he looks around, his senses on full alert.

He knows what that roar means. He'd been in the middle of it before, in Dublin, when things were about to go horribly wrong. And he doesn't like it.

Especially not with her there, in the heart of the action.

"This lot aren't interested in politics. They're spoiling for a fight."

Tom can hear the panic starting to come through in his voice. But Lady Sybil's not listening.

He wants to put his arm around her, shelter her, guide her outside to where it's safe. But it's not his place to do that. So he has no choice but to stand beside her.

If anyone tries to hurt her, he'll have to come through me...

A familiar voice beside them, sure of its authority. "Sybil! What on earth are you doing here?"

It's Matthew Crawley. Tom feels an unaccountable stab of dislike for him.

Lady Sybil's shining-eyed as she turns towards her cousin. "I couldn't miss this."

A rueful smile on the other man's face. "Couldn't you? I could."

But Tom has seen the interlopers filtering into the back of the courtyard and the violence they are bringing with them. He's beyond words now, knowing he has to take some kind of action to protect her, whatever the cost.

"I don't like the look of this, milady."

He steps forward to confront one of the men, trying to win him over. But he's pushed aside, hard. The man is bent on trouble, whatever form that might take, and he's not interested in Tom's efforts to make peace.

Then, the man's eyes meet Matthew's, who's in a belligerent mood.

It only takes a minute for the situation to boil over. The man takes a swing at Matthew and misses, and Matthew gives as good as he gets and then some.

But somehow, Lady Sybil is caught in the middle of it all.

Horror-struck, held back by a member of the rough mob, Tom sees her trip, fall, strike her head on the corner of a table.

Then she disappears beneath the feet of the surging crowd.

He feels his heart almost burst out of his chest as he pushes free and races over to where he saw her fall.

Matthew's there too, looking worried as he touches her head, something which would be an unpardonable liberty for Tom.

There's blood on Matthew's fingers.

Tom's focus zeroes in on a single point in the universe. The point where a girl lies, unconscious on the ground. The point where the happiness, the joy of his life, the love of his heart, is fully revealed to him.

I love her. I love her so much. How could I not have known?

"Oh, no. Oh, please God, no."

The utter panic in his eyes.. he can't hide it now.

They both lift Sybil up. Then Matthew leads the way back to the car, while Tom carries her out of the courtyard.

It's the most precious burden he's ever carried. She's so light, light as a feather. But she carries the weight of his heart with her.

***

Time is a blur after that. He's aware of nothing but her, aware of nothing but his longing for her to wake up, smile at him, reassure him that she is going to be all right.

He finds himself in the entrance hall of Downton Abbey, not even sure how he got there. Lady Mary emerges from the drawing room, an anxious look on her face.

"I've come to fetch you, my lady. We've taken Lady Sybil to Crawley House in the village."

"What's happened?

"I took her to Ripon for the count. She got injured in a fight."

The emotion on Lady Mary's face is raw. She gasps, covering her mouth before pressing his hand with hers.

In the midst of everything, he's jealous of her for a moment. Because she has the right to feel as she does, and to show it to the world.

Unlike him. Who has to remember his place.

"Take me there at once."

And he does.

When Lady Mary jumps out of the car and runs inside, there's nothing for him to do but wait. One thought races through his mind like a prayer to the God of his childhood.

Please, God, let Sybil be all right. I will do anything as long as she's all right…

At least there's one advantage to being the chauffeur. No one expects him to feel anything, so no one will be looking at him.

***

Later on, they bring her home. She's conscious now, leaning heavily on Matthew as he guides her to the front door.

Tom's arms ache to pick her up again, but he knows he can't do that. Ever again.

He has to know, so he speaks to her sister without being spoken to first.

"She's not badly hurt, is she?"

"I don't think so, no."

"Thank God."

"Better be prepared. I'm afraid Lord Grantham will hit the roof."

Somehow, it's important that Lady Mary understand. "I never would have taken her there. I may be a socialist, but I'm not a lunatic."

"I'm not sure Papa knows the difference."

There's a moment of mutual understanding, almost respect between them. He's never had much time for her before – he's always found her something of a cold fish, always calculating, too aware of presenting the perfect façade to the world. But now he can see her love for her sister on her face.

Which gives them something in common, for the first time.

"You'll let me know how she gets on?"

She's surprised at his request, but he doesn't care what she thinks. As long as Sybil will be all right, nothing else matters. Certainly not his so-called dignity.

She agrees. Then she leaves him alone.

***

Anguish fills Tom's soul as he turns away.

He walks slowly back to the car and drives it round to the garage. As if in a dream, he returns to his cottage, takes off his jacket, pours himself a glass of whiskey and drinks it so fast he coughs.

Sitting down at the empty fireside, his face falls and he runs his hands through his hair. He'll get no sleep tonight. The mingled joy and despair of today's revelation will take care of that.

His feelings overwhelm him like a spring tide as he works his way down the half-empty bottle.

It's hopeless, he already knows it. He and she can never... but it doesn't matter. The dark, star-pierced canopy of night swirls over his head, but he barely notices the time passing.

Early the next morning, William brings him a note from Lady Mary to let him know that Sybil will recover.

He reads it twice, to make sure, then closes his eyes, crunching the paper in his fist as a tear slips down his cheek. The first one he has shed in many years.

Oh, my love…

Nothing will ever be the same again. Whatever happens next, he's lost. Lost for all time.

#downton abbey #tom branson #sybil crawley #sybil x tom #fanfic: the bransons #erin go bragh!

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arianaofimladris · 6 years ago

Text

Encounters

I wrote another little fluffy piece to accompany the two I posted some time ago. The Previous two are available here: http://arianaofimladris.tumblr.com/post/174939648847/family-reunions

Encounters

A ship coming from Middle-earth was something that always attracted attention, now more than ever, as many of the Exiles who still dwelt there had come in the past few decades. There were still elves waiting for their families and friends to come, but fewer came to havens to wait and see if any of their kin were on board of the approaching ship.

Much to the Teleri’s relief, the eldest son of Feanor ceased coming, now that he had his missing brother back, but his two youngest visited the shores whenever a ship would come. They were not waiting for anyone particular, they were just curious, especially after seeing the unusual companions Elrond and Galadriel had brought with them. Amras and Amrod could hardly pass unnoticed, but they caused no trouble, so no one really paid much attention to them.

They came as usual when a new ship appeared on the horizon. It was one of the smaller, meaning it carried only a few passengers. Those ships were quite popular these days, unlike in the past, when sometimes hundreds would come in span of just a few decades.

“Look.” Amras elbowed his brother, pointing at two dark-haired elves standing on the deck and looking around in wonder. There was no mistaking; their resemblance to Elrond was too great.

The youngest sons of Feanor exchanged glances. Twins were extremely rare among the elves and they were eager to meet Elrond’s sons since they had first heard about them.

“You!” A sharp, angry call directed obviously to them made them look left. They saw another elf appearing by the sons of Elrond. His posture was regal, his silver hair pulled back and tied in a practical manner.

Amrod glanced questioningly at his brother, who shrugged.

“I gather we must have met, however, I do not recall having been introduced to you,” said Amras lightly, though he could feel his twin tense beside him.

“Celeborn,” replied the elf stiffly. “I never expected to see Kinslayers greeting those coming from Middle-earth,” he added with disgust.

“Ah, you are Nerwen’s husband. That explains a lot,” muttered Amrod. “I must say your daughter is much more accepting.”

“You’ve seen our nana?” asked one of the twins on the deck, brightening up with hope. “How’s she?” Two quick steps and he was on the plank, ready to run down on the shore.

“Delighted to have Elrond every time we have a chance to see her,” replied Amras, pointedly ignoring Celeborn. “And she will be even more to see you. We can show you the way if you wish,” he offered.

“Elladan!” Barked Celeborn, stopping his grandson mid-step. “Wait. I will not have you two follow strangers in a foreign land, let alone kinslayers.”

“Whatever you may call me, do not transfer it on my twin,” hissed Amras. “He’s no worse than your wife.”

“Are we going to continue that?” The other twin, Elrohir, moved closer to his brother. “I’m sure we can leave family grudges for later. I will be perfectly fine with seeing our parents. Though I suspect we could just start with introductions,” he suggested with amusement.

“Ambarussa,” replied both redhead twins and grinned.

“I’m Amras.”

“Amrod,” added the other more carefully, still not completely at ease with Sindarin.

“Elrohir Elrondion. This is my brother Elladan.”

“You said you met our parents,” said Elladan. “Perhaps you can tell us then, why they have not come to greet us?”

“They would have, but they received the news of your arrival too late to make it to the haven in time,” explained Amras. “They went to visit our mother, that’s how we learned about your arrival.”

“Mother passed to us that Elrond and Celebrian will head straight home and they asked us to guide you.”

“Then by all means, lead the way!” Elladan easily ran down the plank. Elrohir followed him, limping slightly.

The twin sons of Feanor glanced at the newcomers questioningly, but Elrohir only laughed. “Middle-earth wasn’t so eager to let us go,” he explained lightly.

“We rode on our last trips along the shores and Ro just happened to fall off his horse,” smirked Elladan and offered his brother a hand to help him down.

“It was only my horse that got startled because I left you far behind me,” his brother reminded him. “He’s hopeless at racing,” he muttered conspiratorially to the sons of Feanor.

“So is he,” nodded Amras in understanding, pointing at his twin. Both Amrod and Elladan shared an exasperated look and rolled their eyes.

“We should probably take care of our luggage,” remarked Elladan, glancing reluctantly at Celeborn on the deck. “We’ve brought most of the things our father had left behind.”

“And the rest he probably forgot to pack,” smiled Elrohir. “We’ll have to arrange some transport.”

“Leave it to the Teleri,” suggested Amrod. “They are used to dealing with elves coming from Middle-earth. Just pass a word that you will be staying with Elrond and Celebrian and they will deliver your things there.”

Celeborn still eyed them with distrust plain on his features, but he said nothing as his grandsons followed the sons of Feanor. Seeing how eager Elladan and Elrohir were to see their parents, Amras suspected that any objections would have been pointless.

Just like Amrod had said, they easily arranged a wagon that would bring their belongings the following day. There was no point in waiting for the ship to be unloaded and, much to the amusement of Elrond’s sons, neither Amras nor Amrod wished to stay and see if their cousin intended to come and greet her husband.

As Celebrian’s house was quite far away from the haven, Amrod offered his horse to the twins and nodded encouragingly as Elrohir sent him a grateful smile. Feeling the hold of his twin on his waist, as they were now sharing a horse, Amras couldn’t help but feel excited. Elrond was a lovely company and they were all grateful for him bringing Maglor back home, but his sons seemed to be more restless souls. Perhaps they would be willing to join them and go explore Valinor... It would be a nice change.

They rode mostly in silence, Elladan and Elrohir looking around wide-eyed, enjoying the new sights. For the sons of Feanor they looked as alike Elrond as Curufin was

“I don’t think we should go with them,” whispered Amrod to his twin. “Let them...”

“Nonsense.” Elladan turned back to look at them. “I gather we are going to have a lot of time to learn what has been going on since we parted with our father in Middle-earth.”

“Not to mention the fact that we are extremely curious why you seem to dislike our grandmother so.”

Amrod groaned. “And here I thought you said something about leaving our family grudges for later?”

“Very well,” laughed Elrohir. “I bet we will learn that soon enough.”

“Oh, you will,” muttered Amras under his breath.

They travelled most of the afternoon through the mild hills that rose slowly behind the high cliffs of the havens. Much to Maedhros’s displeasure, Celebrian lived quite far from Tirion and she and no intention of moving any closer. As Elrond too sought rest after having come from Middle-earth, they stayed.

“Looks homely,” remarked Elladan as the house they were heading to appeared between the trees. “Not quite so hidden, but...”

“Oh, it’s hidden and way too away for some,” snickered Amras. “Russo’s been complaining. That is Maedhros, our brother.”

:Surely he can easily spare a day or two for travel if he wants to see our parents?” asked Elrohir with amusement.

“Have I ever called any of them patient?” A clear voice, full of joy and mirth came from behind the trees. “But today I dare say I understand Maedhros.”

“You did take your time.”

The sons of Elrond stopped their horse, Elladan already jumping from the saddle, Elrohir following him close. Tears of joy shone in their eyes as Elrond and Celebrian stepped on the road from a narrow path that led to a stream. Amrod whistled softly at his horse and poked his brother. They moved away, knowing all too well what it was like to wait for being reunited with someone they loved. Some of them had waited a very long time.

Elladan and Elrohir were long since grown, but as they approached their mother, they looked very young and overwhelmed, like children returning home from their very first trip on their own. Tall as she was, Celebrian all but disappeared in their embrace.

“Naneth...”

Celebrian hugged them back, then climbed on her toes and kissed their brows, her own eyes shining and smiling, but dry. She looked so much like Nerdanel the first time she saw her six sons released from the Halls of Mandos that Amrod instinctively put his arm around his twin; he had known the pain of parting too well.

“I guess you no longer need our guidance,” said Amras after a while, when Elrond’s sons finally let go of their mother. “We’ll see you soon.”

“Just make sure they don’t take as much time as Elrond did,” added Amrod, turning to Celebrian. “We do like to make acquaintances with our cousins and so do our brothers.”

“Oh, I will.” Celebrian laughed merrily. “Or else Valar know who they are going to bring along for dinner!”

Amrod mounted back his own horse and with final farewell they rode back, intending to stop in an inn for the night. They were already behind the curve of the road when they heard one of Elrond’s sons speaking to the other. “We won’t be bored in here.”

I’d love to hear what you think of it. Please let me know, good or bad :)

I can be found in here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16603994

#Valinor snippets #Aman #Amras #Amrod #Elladan #Elrohir #Elrond #Celebrian #Celeborn #fluff

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coeurdastronaute · 7 years ago

Text

Giant: Ch. 18

Don't let them take you down Take your heart away And when the world comes crashing down You gotta hold your ground

It was absolute hell. Outside, out in the world, it was an ongoing battle and it was a never ending war. People yelled on television. People yelled on street corners. People yelled at marches and protests and parades and pretty much everywhere, actually. Everyone was very sad and mad and generally so very humanly worried about their place in the world, that it turned into defensive posturing only seen during times of the greats rashes of pandemics and war.

But not in the bed.

Outside, Superman was on trial and the world held its breath. 114 stories below the balcony, everything was swirling and people were uprooted in their firmest beliefs, and yet none of that happened in the bed. In the bed, there weren’t even words, there weren’t even thoughts. It was just quiet and safe.

The rain tapped against the large windows as the grey day hung heavy and woolen around the highest points of the city. Lena stared at the rain dripping and mapping the long trip, pausing and gathering before racing other droplets to the finish line. Not much of her felt like moving at all. She knew what waited once her foot stepped outside her bed, outside the safe walls of her home. Out there, people would hate her still, and she would be asked to comment on the crimes of her girlfriend’s cousin because of her family, and that was just too much to think about.

But not in the bed.

In the bed, she was just Lena, no past, no future, just the present instant and breath. Warm arms slid around her waist as she hunkered beneath the fluffy duvet that still smelled like Kara somehow, all sunshine and warmth despite the day outside that strived to eradicate all memory of the sun at all.

Lips kissed her shoulder through her old shirt. A nose ran along her neck and a warm body pressed against hers, molding to press close. A forehead took the nose’s place, rooting around there softly, earning a smile, until Lena just couldn’t take it any longer. She rolled over in the arms and intertwined their legs and closed her eyes again. Arms wrapped around Kara’s head, around her neck, keeping her close.

“We’re not leaving this bed today,” Kara mumbled, her forehead nuzzling into Lena’s, their noses brushing as she insisted. “Except to get food.”

“What about a bath?”

“Mmm, yeah a bath,” she agreed, almost purring as Lena ran her nails along her back, slipping her hands under the shirt and toying with the muscles that lived there.

The cat curled itself into Kara’s lower back, meowing the faintest complaint as a hand nudged it before it settled back in, also disinterested in moving at all.

“Did you sleep alright?” Lena whispered. “You tossed and turned a bit.”

“I slept like a baby,” Kara lied.

“Darwin got kicked like six times,” she chuckled. “He gave up and went into the living room.”

“I was wondering why I didn’t wake up with a tail or paw in my mouth.”

Lena finally opened her eyes, though Kara refused. There was still a smile on her face though. Moments like that were addicting to the CEO. They were two people, wrapped up in each other and happy. Surely there was someone else in the city in the same position, thinking the same things, being grateful for just a second of that kind of happiness. It was a universal moment that would replay itself and had replayed itself across every century and every continent in some form or another.

“You’re not worried, are you?” Lena asked as her fingertips moved along Kara’s eyebrows, along the bridge of her nose, over her lips and chin and jaw.

“Not right now.”

“Something bad is coming, isn’t it?”

“Nothing Supergirl and the brilliant scientist slash CEO slash genius Lena Luthor can’t handle.”

She couldn’t help it. Lena leaned forward and kissed Kara’s lips, kissed her in the softness that was the rain on the window, in the way that it threw itself against it, uninhibited and eager for the fall, regardless of the smattering upon landing, reckless in itself and its mission to live for a blink.

Once again, Darwin was disbanded, nudged too much for his liking, until he hopped off of the safety of the universe in the sheets, off to his own devices and the scratching post in the living room. Lena pressed her hips against Kara’s and slid atop her in the way that was so natural, even the waves would be jealous.

The kiss deepened until stars appeared around them and they were immortalized as such. Kara’s hands gripped her hips, slightly too tight, slightly enough to leave little bruises that were their own milky way on her thighs, and Lena would press them to herself when she was alone or at a meeting and just needed to feel that kind of love and adoration.

She couldn’t help her hips, and Kara wouldn’t have wanted her to if she could. Instead, she just moved and moaned in that languid, rainy day way that only the weather could understand, with its distant rumblings and gusts of more raindrops living and shouting for joy as they tapped at the window, honored to exist in a moment like that.

Only when she pulled away did Kara open her eyes, her chest moving just as quickly to catch its breath as Lena’s, her lips just as swollen from a kiss like that, her need just as violent and unending and absolutely overwhelming.

Lena pushed away the stray messy golden hair that provided some of the only color in their universe. She was the sun, at the center of it all, and all Lena could do was hold on tight as gravity and physics and such flung her around in an unending orbit.

“Do you know how much I love you?” she whispered.

Kara swallowed because of how earnest and tiny the voice was from the lips that she’d memorized since she was a senior, crushing a lock in her hand just at a glimpse.

“Yeah, I think I do,” Kara nodded.

“Please know.”

“I’ve loved you since I was seventeen, and every year, I think it can’t change, but it does. It just grows and grows and it… it makes me strong. It makes me… me.”

“Not leaving this bed today,” Lena decided again.

“Except for food.”

With a devious smile, Lena leaned closer, bit at Kara’s lip, ground her hip into the hero’s. Her nails moved down her neck, the weight of her elbows found shoulders as lips traced toward ear.

“Are you hungry right now?”

“Rao…” Kara moaned, downright moaned a filthy moan with no control at all. “I love you so much.” Teeth found her earlobe. “I’m voracious.”

In an instant, not even an instant. Less than an instant, less than a nanosecond, Lena was pressed into the mattress somehow, a gasp escaping her lips. This was the Kara she got to keep.

It was rare that days were actually good, the entire time, but Lena was living on a hot streak of good to great days. A streak she’d never believed she could ever have. It wasn’t that her life wasn’t good. In fact, over the past three years it got infinitely good. Something about having Kara in her corner just made her outlook on life a little different. She wasn’t the wounded underling sister of crazed psychopaths, she wasn’t fighting for retribution or absolution. Instead, she was just a girl, making a name for herself, and she was oddly happy with who she was becoming as a person.

What did happen, however, was that she had a thunderous kind of brow, where work and life and her past weighed heavy and often disrupted the feelings of goodness and relief from time to time before, as if sensing it in the air, a puppy would appear and close her laptop and sling her over her shoulder or calmly invite her for a break. Sometimes the break meant a daytrip to a museum. Sometimes it meant slow sex in the shower. It was a toss up, depending purely on Kara. But no matter what the activity, it was always super effective.

But Lena was on a hot streak, and life was good despite the impending, despite the trial and the world’s reaction and Superman’s retirement. Kara went out less at night doing her civic duty. Not because she wasn’t needed, but because once, she saved someone from a car robbery, and they spit in her face. It was a new age, rolling into the world, and it was terrifying. But Kara took it in stride, and she seemed happy as well. Life was just coming together, despite all else, and for Lena, the despite part was usually too big to be avoided. Now though, she was happy. She was alive and she was making a way and she had a life that she’d never imagined for herself. She defied the odds and beat her destiny.

That was, perhaps, why it was so downright bothersome when she spent the morning making arrangements for a romantic dinner to be delivered to their home, and those oils that Kara liked to be waiting in the bathroom, and candles purchased by the dozen, for a very, very, very fun night, only to get a call from the other Danvers to come down to the DEO headquarters.

While the inevitable truce remained, and there was less ice than before, it was like asking a lion and a gazelle to be friends. Sure, it was possible in theory, and even manageable for a while, but it was impossible to last. They’d fought, of course. Over LCorp patents and ideas, over investigations and over family, while at the core, it was always about Kara.

But, they were enjoying a time of relative peace between the two, much to the relief of their respective girlfriend and wife. There’d even been a double date that ended in laughs and cheers and more wine being ordered.

Which was also why it was odd to be called down so formally to the headquarters she still disliked, so abruptly. But Lena took it in stride. Told Jess to do the magic she did and decided that surprising her girlfriend at work might be nice. Even as an act of kindness, when she stopped to get herself and Kara coffee, she picked up two extras for whatever part of the the Super Team would be lurking about the office.

Oddly proud of herself, Lena smiled politely as the door was held for her and she followed the agent that met her and accompanied her upstairs.

She gave it a chance to survive as a good day, and for Lena, that was impressive enough. But as soon as she saw Alex’s face, she just knew it was hopeless.

“Whatever it is, I didn’t do it, Agent Danvers,” she sighed. “I’ll have Jess send over my alibis and such--”

“Lena,” Alex shook her head. “When’s the last time you talked to Supergirl?”

“Um, well,” Lena furrowed and really thought about it. She’d been so preoccupied with the day that she couldn’t remember any texts. And Kara wasn’t there when she woke up, which was not out of the realm of normal. “Last night, about eleven when we went to sleep.”

“Did she leave?”

“I was asleep. Or. I mean, she was asleep. We were asleep, and I woke up alone. But when I went to bed she was there.”

“What time?”

“Like I said, about eleven,” she shrugged. “What’s going on?”

“You don’t remember hearing her leave at all?” Alex pressed.

“No, I don’t--” Lena thought hard about it and tried to find some hint. “Maybe? I was asleep. I don’t know what time it was.”

“And you haven’t heard from her since? You haven’t received any calls?”

“Alex, what is going on?”

The agent inhaled deeply and ran her hand through her hair before steeling herself for the news she had to deliver and figure out.

“Kara is missing.”

“No,” Lena disagreed. “No. What do you mean, missing?”

In an instant, she was digging into her purse for her cell phone before dialing and holding it there defiantly, waiting for Kara to answer in that breathless, happy kind of way she always did, as if you could hear the smile through the line.

“Alex, that’s… there’s no way,” she insisted.

When no one answered, she furrowed and shook her head again, typing a text before trying to call once again. As much as she wanted to say she had a hundred thoughts in her head, but all Lena could think was how it was impossible. The word no, a few thousand times with the occasional no way for good measure.

“What happened?” Lena snapped, calling again.

“She went on a call last night with the night crew, and she just stopped responding. Her comm and tracker are offline,” Alex explained.

“Of all the stupid, stupid things that this company has done, it’s those useless trackers and your unfounded belief that she can just do anything--”

“She was doing what she always did!” Alex snapped back.

“Because you all made her into this… this… you did this!”

“And if she wasn’t out there hunting for your brother, she wouldn’t be gone!”

“If you had listened to me sooner about what he was doing, this wouldn’t be a problem!’

Both seethed and clenched their teeth. The entire DEO watched them want to continue to fight and no one wanted to get involved at all. It was their worry all exploding over each other, and neither wanted to do anything else but hurt the other.

“What is going on in here?” J’onn bellowed as she entered the room. Neither girl looked away from the other.

Lene leaned back slightly though, regaining some composure and the practically patented Luthor stare of disdain. Her muscles felt tight with this impending fear.

“Kara is important to all of us, and it is no one’s fault,” he yelled, roaring above them and their pettiness. “But we are going to get her back because we are going to work together and find her.”

The two kept staring at each other, nostrils flaring and bodies rigid. Lena bristled slightly, though tried to keep it hidden. She didn’t have anything else to say, but she knew what she had to do.

With a turn of her heel, she walked out.

By the third morning, Lena was out of her mind and exhausted. She was grateful that when she told Jess she was assisting on time-sensitive government business, her assistant was capable of basically running the company on her own. And she was grateful for the connections she’d made and exploited. But none of it mattered until she found Kara.

“Please, let me work,” Lena mumbled typing furiously as she followed another rabbit hole. The cat didn’t care. He hopped up into her lap and nudged her chest for some attention.

The longer that time went on, the easier it was for terrible thoughts to creep into her head. They haunted her and waited like wolves, just outside of the ring of her campfire-like persistence. In the dark, Lena heard them, circling and chomping and snarling, ready to pounce as she grew weaker and more susceptible to thinking of Kara as gone.

“You have to eat something,” Francine insisted, finally puttering into the office in the penthouse. “I made you your favorite. Now just take a break. I’m sure whatever they are having you work on can wait.”

“It can’t,” Lena insisted, clenching her jaw as she sifted through code and tried to locate security footage.

“You haven’t slept more than a handful of hours. You need to take care of yourself.”

“I will. As soon as I finish this,” she lied.

Her housekeeper eyed her cautiously before deciding there was nothing she could do. That was the Luthor in her. It was hard not to press, but with Lena there was this idea that pushing her made her shut down so easily, and once she did, it was back to square one trying to pry her open.

Darwin curled up in a ball and purred in her lap, but Lena didn’t even notice when Francine sighed and began muttering to herself as she went back to her work. She did, however, hear the words under breath hoping that Kara came back from business soon.

Lex was her first stop, naturally.

But despite all else, he still remained at the blacksite. She knew this because of the feed she hacked. She also knew that an Agent Danvers made a show of interrogating him, only to be toyed with and questioned with a mocking smirk about the entire Super-family being replaced, like a sweet, sweet victory he didn’t even have to do anything to achieve.

Lionel was second up.

Even though he was a ghost, Lena kept constantly tracking his whispers and his trail. It never amounted to much, but after the show with Superman, she knew he was preparing. It didn’t make sense, to take Kara though, as she was around less and less. And from the last security footage Lena found of Supergirl landing at some building across town, she was unable to detect any sign of him in the area.

Lost and out of leads, Lena ran her hand along the cat’s sleeping belly before leaning back and running her hands over her face.

Once again, her phone rang and she tossed it back on the desk after seeing a certain agent’s number appear. After their third or ninth argument a few hours ago, Lena was in no mood for more patronizing or condescension from the DEO.

It buzzed and buzzed until it stopped, paused, and started again, much to the cats disdain. Lena felt the same way.

“What?” she snapped, disinterested in another round with the sister.

“Stop hacking our agencies.”

“Have better firewalls.”

“We followed that lead you had about the warehouse.”

“There weren’t any people near the warehouse.”

“There weren’t, but there were a few days before, and a few days after,” Alex explained. “Maggie has been hearing about this fighting ring, and word at the bar is that--”

“So you’ve been spending time at the bar?” Lena rolled her eyes.

“The word at the bar is that it’s an alien fighting ring, the larger, more exotic species, interesting pairings, things like that.”

“Which would complicate figuring out those missing with this ring or with whatever Lionel is up to,” she nodded to herself.

“I think they took Kara.”

“Which one?”

“That’s the question.”

“Send me everything you have.”

“When I have something, I will.”

“Lena, this is serious.”

“If this has a connection to my father, Kara would want us to figure that out first,” Lena reminded her. “No matter how much it hurts.”

“Just… forget it.”

“I need her back, Alex,” Lena whispered.

“I’ll send over what I have.”

“A courier will be over with my findings shortly.”

“Thank you, Lena.”

“Yeah.”

With a sigh, Lena furrowed and tossed her phone across the desk before furrowing and waiting for her email to explode with the agent's email. Her heart sunk to her stomach as she waited to find the only thing that made life worth living.

The groggy feeling overwhelmed much of her senses, but still, Kara tried to sit up. The ground was hard and she blinked and furrowed a few times as she rubbed the sore muscles of her neck and arm. She tried to swallow but her mouth was dry and her head throbbed too much to focus on anything at all.

“What the heck,” she rasped and shook her head, coughing slightly. Kara rubbed at the spot on the back of her head that would have a bump.

Slowly, the world came into focus, stopped wobbling slightly. It stilled enough for Kara to realize she was in some kind of cage, and the glowing green of the lamp above explained what some of the lingering dizziness was about.

Groggily, she tripped to her feet, barely able to stand. The bars of the cage were cool against her head as she leaned there.

“Hello?” Kara called, peering toward the darkness. She coughed a bit more and rubbed her eyes.

“Keep quiet,” a voice hissed from down the hall.

“Hello? Where am I? What’s going on?”

“I told you, keep your voice down.”

Kara pushed herself toward the wall where the voice was coming from, hoping to get closer, hoping to find some answers.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Gideon. Now keep quiet before they come in here.”

“Where are we?”

“I’m not sure. But if you get selected, you might not come back.”

“How long have I been here?” Kara shook her head and rubbed at some of the pain her body was feeling.

“Three selections, so maybe a week,” he grumbled. “Hard to keep track of things.”

“Selection?”

A door opened down the hall. Kara tried to see what was coming, but shadows merely mingled along the floor from the light cast there. The light was turned up on her ceiling and she fell to the ground, collapsing under the weight of the radiation. Slowly she crawled back toward the bars and found herself staring at a pair of heels, unable to lift her head.

“The Kryptonian is almost ready.”

Exactly four days, to the hour, after the last time Lena saw her girlfriend, she saw her again, and she could finally breathe. Her eyes never moved from the Kryptonian that was paraded around the large ring as the bets or bids were collected.

The files the DEO sent over let her know exactly what was going on, because she had a missing piece of the puzzle, and Lena knew it as soon as she saw the surveillance picture of a ghost from her past. It was just a matter of hours before she was in touch with her old flame.

“See anything you like?” Veronica hummed close to Lena’s ear, earning a shiver.

“A thing or two, yes,” she smirked, falling into the role she knew so well.

The years after high school, when she was struggling to keep up with school and her father and her brother were maddening, and when she disappeared from Kara, she would very well admit that she had gone off of the deep end a bit. Veronica Sinclair was waiting with open arms at the bottom at the diving board, ready for mischief and all manner of escapism.

“I never thought I’d see you in one of these things again,” she quirked and eyebrow and sipped a drink, eyeing Lena carefully. “Especially after the last time.”

“I was young and naïve as to how the world worked,” Lena murmured, toying with the side of her own glass, twisting the stem purposefully. “I’ve learned some things.”

“And here I thought Lena Luthor knew everything already.”

“I’m quick to catch on.”

For a moment, deep brown eyes just stared back at her, and Lena felt her mouth dry slightly, though she kept the gaze. She knew this game. They played it a few times. Now, it was different though.

“I don’t know anything about your father.”

“I wasn’t going to ask. I had hoped that even you had your limits.”

“You’re still a good liar, did you know that?” Veronica shook her head, almost thoughtful at the entire exchange. “I have ears in many of the same places you do.”

“Sounds like you’ve been asking about me.”

“I keep tabs, when it interests me.”

“We still have things in common,” Lena looked back at the cage once more.

“Keeping the Luthor family business up and running?” Veronica ventured, following Lena’s gaze to the Kryptonian she finally managed to find.

The entire swirling party was eerily familiar, as always seemed to be. People didn’t take much notice of the private conversation. Lena caught the familiar perfume of her former lover, and still, she only missed Kara.

The person who once was with Veronica was a distant memory, almost as much as that name was forgotten. Roulette was born from the ashes, and Lena was reborn as well.

“I want her.”

“You know I never mix business and pleasure,” Roulette tutted.

It was a chess match, and both were experts of the attack and parry, both were experts in thinking a million moves ahead, so that each interaction was a full three moves ahead of where anyone else would think the conversation was going. They were in a battle that both craved, adversaries and possibly evenly matched.

“I seem to remember that being the only thing you did,” Lena smirked.

“You are too much like your father.”

“My father’s name was Phillip. He wrote poetry and was a terrible dancer,” Lena informed the entrepreneur. “And by now I thought you would have known not to second-guess Luthors.”

“Your brother’s well mysteriously dried up. Any idea how that happened?”

Slowly, Roulette slid along the small table, leaning dangerously against it while also pressing against her old friend. Lena watched her own fingers trail up Roulette’s arm.

“Give me Supergirl, and you can have the key to the castle, if you’d like.”

“Now this is getting intriguing,” she smiled again as she finished her drink.

“I still know how to catch your eye, Ronnie.”

“I’ll let you call me that once,” she warned playfully.

A wave of her hand, a nudge of her chin, and Lena followed, surrounded by a gaggle of large men in suits who were most certainly there to prevent any kind of disturbance. Lena wanted to, but she couldn’t do it. If she looked at Kara, she would lose the edge she somehow cultivated in the charade.

The office was little more than a large wooden desk and a light atop it, the rest barren as it would soon be taken apart and moved, gone like a whisper in a storm, leaving nothing else to the police or anyone looking. Lena felt oddly alone in the large room when the guards waited outside.

“That alien is going to make me a lot of money tonight in the fights. She’s the main attraction.”

“I didn’t want to believe it at first,” Lena shook her head and took the seat on one side of the desk. “That you were taking them. But the bodies, the fights, the kidnappings…. It all clicked. Brilliant, in a sadistic kind of way.”

“The only way to make money,” Roulette shrugged as she took her seat. “As you might know, Ms. Luthor.”

“My father is doing the same thing, you know?”

“Running illegal fighting rings?”

“Murdering innocent people.”

“I’ve never raised a hand,” she grinned. “My hands are clean. Your father’s, though, those things are blood-stained.”

“He’s not my father.”

“You have his money.”

“Luck.”

“You might be the luckiest person I know.”

“I think you might be right, actually,” Lena countered, earning piqued eyebrows. “And you might be the unluckiest.”

“You don’t earn the name Roulette for nothing.”

“I want the Kryptonian, and I want you to stop this.”

“You can’t bet against the house, Lena, and many of my fighters enter the arena willingly. Anyone is welcome.”

“Then stop collecting the unwilling at the very least.”

“Why? I have nothing to fear and as far as I’m concerned, whittling down those animals is the greatest public service I’ve ever undertaken,” she rambled as she took a cigarette case out of a drawer and offered it to Lena, who politely shook her head. “Your father does it his way, and I choose to make a living doing the same thing, hidden behind the guise of entertainment. Once you figure out how to make it about money, people don’t really care about the players.”

The lighter snapped shut and slid a few inches across the table. Lena stared at the red end of the cigarette and the smoke that enveloped their conversation.

“My brother’s money laundering program, and you disappear.”

“Just cutting out the foreplay? I know how much you love to take it slow,” she grinned wickedly and inhaled more smoke before tapping a portion of the desk.

“You know about the agents outside.”

“Naturally.”

“What I’m offering you isn’t part of that,” Lena tried.

“What else do you want?”

“My brother.”

“Why do you want Supergirl?”

“Answers aren’t part of the deal, Ronnie,” she grinned, teasing once again.

“That one’s going to cost you,” Roulette taunted, pressing another button on her desk before she stood and jammed out the cigarette. “No one can quite get under my skin like you, Lena. I forgot, until I found us alone again.”

“You just like long odds.”

“You miss me, don’t you?” she hummed, dragging her hand along the desk, ever seductive, ever the most gorgeous thing to ever exist.

Lena didn’t let it phase her at all. She just stared and remained unbothered, all while silently praying the stupid agents outside didn’t get a stupid order from an overeager sister with as many trust issues as the Luthor.

“No.”

“Do you remember what I told you the first night we met? At that club in Silton?”

Long legs rested beside Lena, and she followed them before meeting dark eyes and a devious smile.

“I don’t want to forget anything anymore,” Lena informed her. “I don’t have anything to escape.”

“Not even for a night?” she asked, leaning close to Lena’s lips, those which didn’t move at all, knowing full well the tactic at hand.

The door opened once more behind them, but neither moved. Definitely, Lena stared at Roulette, becoming the only thing she couldn’t have, frustrating her, challenging her in a new way. Before, when she was younger, Lena had been more than willing to take a hit of the drug that was a girl with a dirty mouth, filthy mind, and sweet tongue. Now, she was the chase.

“Tell the agents to disappear and she’s yours,” Roulette smirked, her hand running up Lena’s skirt. “I’ll even toss in the extras, lighten my baggage for my split.

“Lena?” Kara asked, confused at what she just was thrust into.

The Kryptonite shackles made her skin burn and her bones feel like glass, but still, she stood there, seemingly walking into her girlfriend being felt up by some vixen. It was just a bad few days, Kara decided to herself.

“Do you remember that time, in Hong Kong?” the boss sat up, leaning against the desk once more as Lena dug into her purse for her phone, firing off a text.

“That’s a lovely offer, but this is a business transaction.”

“Pleasure and business.”

“What is going on?” Supergirl demanded again, straining against her restraints.

“You’ve been caught and bought, Kryptonian,” she reached for another cigarette. “Now kindly keep quiet while we reminisce. So rarely do I get a worthy bantering partner with a mouth like this.”

“Lena?”

The CEO didn’t turn around.

“Money is yours, agents are called off,” she met Roulette’s eyes again. “Have him at the Pier six by Thursday and the program is yours. You know I’m good for the rest.”

“Ah, so no repeat of Hong Kong then?”

“I was much more limber back then,” Lena shook her head as she stood. “And I don’t share as well as I used to,” she smirked, placing her palm on Roulette’s exposed sternum before leaning forward and kissing the side of her mouth. “Thank you.”

“Thank you, for your contribution.”

“I mean it,” she lowered her voice, held her hand there and earnestly spoke. “You did this for me.”

“Don’t flatter yourself, Ms. Luthor,” the gambler disagreed. Lena caught her tell though. “A monetary transaction, facilitated in my house by a lovely old friend.”

“If I was ever going to go to Hong Kong again, it’d be with you.”

“Now who’s the tease?”

“Be good.”

“Aren’t I always?” Veronica grinned, lighting another cigarette. “Let’s do this again sometime.”

“As soon as you go legit, I’ll be the first bet on your tables.”

“Where’s the fun in that?”

It was obscenely illegal and very lucky. All that Lena could think about was if it hadn’t been so easy, if it hadn’t been Roulette who attacked Kara, if it’d been her father. But she hid it deep down where she held her breath.

She took the key that the bookie offered to her and made her way to Kara, still oddly afraid to meet her eyes, though finding it necessary. Stark confusion and worry were knit there in her brow, but a kind of ease still rested when she recognized her girlfriend.

By the time they left the office, the warehouse was empty, all signs of life were gone, and Lena rolled her eyes at the antics, still slightly in awe of Veronica Sinclair.

“What happened in Hong Kong?” Kara whispered, following Lena out. “Who was that?”

“Just an ex.”

“Oh… an ex?!” she yelped as the office closed behind them.

“Lena’s ex is an illegal casino operator.”

“Yup.”

“Who specializes in gladiator style fights, offered to ultra-rich clientele, supplied by now, strictly willing aliens.”

“Yeah.”

“And she staged a fake tragedy to lure Supergirl into a warehouse where she used illegal technology given to her by Lex Luthor, to capture and attempt to use her in one of these fights.”

“Mmhmm.”

“Lena then bartered a trade consisting of money for Supergirl and the other captured aliens, with no involvement from the DEO.”

“Yes.”

“And also a computer program for the miraculous return of Lex Luthor to American soil for prosecution.”

“That would be it, yes,” Kara nodded, staring intently at the captured, hairless Luthor as he was loaded onto transport.

“And the villain was super hot?” Alex continued, standing beside her sister as she watched Lena boss around DEO agents on the other side of the pier.

“Insanely hot.”

“Did you ever figure out what happened in Hong Kong?”

“Oh yeah,” Supergirl clenched her jaw.

“Are you ever going to tell me?”

“I think her ex proposed a… a… you know… a,” Kara furrowed and finally broke her gaze from the scene unfolding, distracted by her own inability to say a word. “I think she somehow proposed a threesome with us.”

There was dead silence for a moment. A long moment, before Alex couldn’t hold it in any longer and the laugh blew through her lips. It didn’t stop there, once the dam broke. She bent over, gripping her side from laughing until she was nearly crying, much to the annoyance of her sister.

“Sorry. Sorry,” she held up her hands. “I just… wow. That’s. So she had… you asked about. And she once went to… with a bad guy. And someone else? Man.”

“Alright, enjoy.”

“I have to meet her now.”

“I hope our paths never cross again,” Kara grumbled, sullen at the memories. First, of being tricked and captures. Second, of worrying her family. Third, for another woman’s hand on Lena’s thigh.

“This Roulette woman is your girlfriend’s ex. We’ll see her again.”

“Great.”

Despite herself, despite the enjoyment she had at Kara’s slight discomfort with Lena’s past, Alex felt a little bad for how her sister must have felt, thinking about Lena. It was a lucky break for them all, and the many fights that erupted between the agent and the CEO brought a lot of difficult things to light. The truce was more tenuous than ever, but still, it was there.

“Hey, I’m going to take a helicopter up, to make sure the new security measures are in place properly,” Lena approached and typed a few things into her phone before looking up at her girlfriend. “I was thinking of maybe getting a room in Gotham tonight, if you wanted to join me?”

Just like that, Kara was putty in the CEO’s hand.

“Yeah, that sounds amazing,” she grinned, wide and proud. “I’ll let Snapper know I’ll be covering this.”

“Do you think Jess will feed Darwin?”

“I will,” Alex offered, not really understanding where her voice came from in that moment. “I mean. I can stop by after work.”

“Thanks,” Lena nodded polite enough before returning her gaze to her girlfriend. “The suite on the East side. You know which one.”

“I’ll pick up dinner,” Kara promised.

They wouldn’t kiss. Not in public, not as a hero and a CEO. But Alex watched Lena look at Kara like she was the sun before she walked back toward the group.

“She found you, freed you, and managed the captured her brother in under an hour, with no punches thrown,” the older sister marvelled, despite herself. “Forget about Roulette.”

“Isn’t she great?”

“She didn’t sleep while you were gone. We were all worried sick, but she… she was willing to put that aside for the mission. Better than I was.”

“She loves me, Alex,” Kara chuckled to herself.

“If you ever tell her I complimented her in the least, I swear…”

“You love her too. Just admit it,” her sister teased, singing slightly, able to tease her back for the earlier comments.

“Hong Kong.”

With that, Alex zipped up her jacket and meandered toward the Director.

Kara huffed before catching a wink from Lena and shaking her head.

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nxtesinthemargin · 4 years ago

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ASK THE MUSE!

↪ REPLY AS MUSE TALKING

► NAME ➭ ❝ Regulus Arcturus Black. ❞ ► ARE YOU SINGLE? ➭ ❝ Yes ...Does being engaged or betrothed count as single? I’m not sure mother might have tried setting up a marriage contract and not told me. ❞ ► ARE YOU HAPPY? ➭ ❝ I guess so, there’s nothing upsetting me that much.❞ ► ARE YOU ANGRY? ➭ ❝ At some people, mostly Sirius.❞ ► ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL MARRIED? ➭ ❝ Yes but I honestly don’t know how. I’m not sure how much they like each other if at all.❞

EIGHT FACTS!

► BIRTHPLACE ➭ ❝ St. Mungo’s, I’m pretty sure it was there. Never cared to ask. ❞ ► HAIR COLOR ➭ ❝ Black. ❞ ► EYE COLOR ➭ ❝ Bluish-grey, sometimes more blue or grey depending on the lighting.❞ ► BIRTHDAY ➭ ❝ August 8, 1961. ❞ ► MOOD ➭ ❝ Bored, that’s a mood right? Feelings are the same as mood aren’t they? ❞ ► GENDER ➭ ❝ Male. ❞ ► SUMMER OR WINTER ➭ ❝ Winter. Summer is unbearable. It gets hot and I’m stuck at home. Mother and Sirius fight all the time. Winter at Hogwarts is much more preferable. ❞ ► MORNING OR AFTERNOON ➭ ❝ Afternoon, I am by no means a morning person. If I had my way I’d sleep in every day.❞

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE!

► ARE YOU IN LOVE? ➭ ❝ Yes ❞ ► DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? ➭ ❝ You’re kidding right? That’s fake. You don’t just fall in love instantly. ❞ ► WHO ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP? ➭ ❝ Lack of chemistry. Narcissa set me up on a date with a younger sister of one of her friends, it just didn’t work out. ❞ ► HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART? ➭ ❝ Maybe? I don’t know. Maybe one of the girls I’ve broken up with have cried afterwards. Haven’t really cared enough to ask. ❞ ► ARE YOU AFRAID OF COMMITMENTS? ➭ ❝ I’m afraid of who I might end up having to marry that she’ll be completely intolerable. If I had more freedom with who I’d be expected to marry maybe I wouldn’t but having to get someone Mother approves of... yeah definitely nervous about that. ❞ ► HAVE YOU HUGGED SOMEONE WITHIN THE LAST WEEK? ➭ ❝ ...I don’t think so. Think my last hug was... nope can’t put a clear date on it. Last time Barty or I had a nightmare. ❞ ► HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SECRET ADMIRER? ➭ ❝ Probably not, I don’t think I’m that attractive. Sirius is the better looking sibling and there are better looking, stronger, taller blokes on the house team. ❞ ► HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN YOUR OWN HEART? ➭ ❝ ...How do you break your own heart? Would that be by like not letting yourself date someone? I don’t get this question.❞

CHOICES!

► LOVE OR LUST ➭ ❝ Love definitely love. Lust is weird, I don’t get the whole... thing. I can’t think of anyone I’d want to sleep with.❞ ► LEMONADE OR ICED TEA ➭ ❝ What the hell is iced tea? Is that an American thing? Or a muggle thing? Ruining perfectly good tea by watering it down and throwing ice in it.❞ ► A FEW BEST FRIENDS OR MANY REGULAR FRIENDS ➭ ❝A few best friends, well more one best friend and a house elf. ❞ ► WILD NIGHT OUT OR ROMANTIC NIGHT IN ➭ ❝ Romantic night in, crowds can be overwhelming.❞ ► DAY OR NIGHT ➭ ❝ Night. I like astronomy and no not just because of the whole Black family names being stars or constellations. I just find them pretty and kind of soothing. ❞

HAVE YOU EVERS !

► BEEN CAUGHT SNEAKING OUT ➭ ❝ No. For one thing I’m not dumb enough to try sneaking out at home. Father has too many wards at home. I’d definitely trip at least one. I’m also careful not to get caught if I sneak out the kitchens at school. ❞ ► FALLEN DOWN/UP THE STAIRS ➭ ❝ Definitely fallen down stairs from either tripping or Sirius being a prick and pushing me when we were younger. ❞ ► WANTED SOMETHING/SOMEONE SO BADLY IT HURT? ➭ ❝ Yes, making the house quidditch team. It took a lot of persuading for Father to even buy me a broom. Barty. ❞

PREFERENCES !

► SMILE OR EYES ➭ ❝ Eyes, they’re more genuine. Smiles can be faked but with someone’s eyes it’s easier to tell their emotions. ❞ ► SHORTER OR TALLER ➭ ❝ Shorter, I don’t want to feel shorter than I am. It’s bad enough being the smallest on the Quidditch team with everyone else having like a good three or four inches more than me, don’t need a girlfriend or wife being like that. Taller when it comes to men, Barty’s a fucking tree. ❞ ► INTELLIGENCE OR ATTRACTION ➭ ❝ Intelligence, a conversation is much more important than looks. Although both would be ideal. ❞ ► HOOK-UP OR RELATIONSHIP ➭ ❝ Relationships, don’t see the appeal of hook-ups. I don’t really care for that stuff. ❞

FAMILY !

► DO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY GET ALONG ➭ ❝ Some members more than others. Father is very easy to get along with, I understand how he thinks. Mother and her moods can be rather complicated. Sirius is a whole other story. I think I get along well with all my cousins, aunts, and uncles. ❞ ► WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE A “MESSED UP LIFE” ➭ ❝ I mean home isn’t perfect but it’s not supposed to be. Aren’t people supposed to fight and not get along with everyone? Everyone has things they dislike about life right? ❞ ► HAVE YOU EVER RAN AWAY FROM HOME ➭ ❝ No I don’t think so. Don’t really have anywhere I’d want to live instead. Barty’s house doesn’t seem much better and I don’t want to live with Uncle Cygnus and Aunt Druella. I suppose Uncle Alphard or Aunt Lucretia are technically options but I’m not close to either of them so it would feel weird. ❞ ► HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN KICKED OUT ➭ ❝ No, I’m the good child. Sirius will be the one who gets kicked out and burnt off the tree eventually. Maybe if Mother finds out about me liking both men and women. ❞

FRIENDS !

► DO YOU SECRETLY HATE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ➭ ❝ Yeah, I’m pretty sure there are housemates I hate who might not be aware they hate them. I pretend to get along with all the children of the Sacred Twenty-Eight even if some are extremely boring or annoying.❞ ► DO YOU CONSIDER ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS GOOD FRIENDS ➭ ❝ No. For example I’d say my Quidditch team mates and I are friends but I’m not very close to them. ❞ ► WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND ➭ ❝ Barty definitely Barty. ❞ ► WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU ➭ ❝ Kreacher with Barty coming in a close second. ❞

STOLEN FROM: @lightbringer TAGGING: @siapsymud @thcreyoullbe && anyone who wants to do this

#dash games #death doesn't discriminate between the sinners and the saints { musings || regulus }#//might do this again later for another muse

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wavemaker9 · 7 years ago

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Austin wouldn’t wear out (“wear out”) the words ‘I love you’. Like both he and Kyle are reluctant to say them easily. For Kyle, it’s because while he does love the person, he’s afraid it’ll kind of jinx things. Once he says it though and like, oh hey look nothing bad happened. You didn’t immediately break up with me or die or whatever, it’s all good! Like at that point, he says it all the time. Or rather the casual ‘Love you’, probably, saying the full sentence would be more of a sign of it being like a serious moment where he just feels this overwhelming sense of love, but he’ll tell the person he loves them as casually as he’ll call them mate at that point.

Austin wouldn’t though. He’s also reluctant, as was explained in that fic, since he tends to not feel it’s the right word. I keep giving this as a preface but like, his experience with romance and the like is through a far more emotive and social/romantic/sexual world than he himself resides in most of the time. In society, the romantic phrase ‘I love you’ always has such weight to it. There’s the common tropes of one person saying it before the other in a relationship and it throwing the relationship off because the other person isn’t ready for a stronger commitment of such romantic love or whatever. And that’s not to say austin resists using it because he’s afraid of scaring the other person off or he himself is afraid of that level of commitment. It’s just. He’s so muted in his emotions and his view of the word love has been inflated so much by society, that he doesn’t feel it’s accurate. “When these people say they love one another, it seems more emotional than what I’m feeling, so I can’t be feeling love, I guess.” It’s another thing where having Mel point out to him over their time together that it’s okay to have his own scales in this relationship and that something can be ‘less’ in general society terms, but still equal to him in relative terms. Even if he hits a moment of genuinely feeling so strongly about someone in the moment where he admits he loves them, it wouldn’t suddenly be easy from then on like it is for Kyle. Kyle feels so strongly about everything, and that’s also not to say like, Kyle wouldn’t say it if he didn’t feel strongly. Once he said it, he’d say it always, and from past RPs I know that would apply even if he was drifting in the relationship.

The one first relay I had him in with a yao like, he was lowkey cold to yao by the end of it (that’s another story i might get into some other day) but he still said he loved him when prompted and it wasn’t /specifically/ a lying thing. Partially, maybe, because by the end he could slightly tell like ‘...hey this isn’t as good as it used to be and i’m not as happy with them as i used to be’ but also like. I don’t think he ever stopped loving yao. Scratch that, i know for a fact he never really stopped loving yao, or maybe just the idea/memory of him when they first got together. i remember specifically noting at the time that he was still in love with yao, he just finally recognized yao didn’t love him back enough in a way kyle needed to find the relationship worth the stress trying to deal with yao was putting on him any more. Kyle doesn’t /stop/ loving anyone. Even people like summer or doug, even in AUs where he recognizes how bad they are, he never stops giving a shit about them, at most he just learns to care about others/himself more. Here’s a secret: kyle? Kyle disliked ludwig in hetalr near the end there, yeah, but he never really started /liking/ ludwig, their interactions /started/ with ludwig criticizing kyle’s behavior to gilbert so kyle came out of the gate in their relationship annoyed and defensive. During times where kyle wasn’t himself, like the kid event, they got along, but that wasn’t /kyle/ kyle, and he was even mad about it afterwards like damnit, young me betrayed me and this grudge i got. But Kyle’s feelings about gilbert? Like Kyle started off not liking gilbert, thinking him too confident, but once he caught on to the same sort of ‘it’s an act i’m a human mess’ factor that he himself shows, Kyle started to like gilbert and see him as a potential friend. Kyle was fucking with gilbert because he was trying to like, be friendly to him and he judged gilbert as the type to respond best to asshole friendship as opposed to others like cami who kyle judged as needing a softer, slower friendship/flirt approach to woo into his bed. Kyle /still/ saw gilbert as potential cool friend guy despite how fucking annoyed he started to be all the time at ludwig and thus gilbert too. Kyle can be furious with a person, but it takes a /lot/ to actually nudge his view on that person down once it comes up. He doesn’t- crushes and the like don’t fucking die with this kid. He won’t act on lingering crushes or anything if he’s in a relationship with someone else, but they're still /there/ in the back of his mind. Ugh, this kind of veered off path, lemme wrap up this point. Kyle just cares /so much/ about /everyone/ at a basic level and that rarely goes down. Once he’s not scared about it any more, he’ll roll with ‘I love you’ super easily because like. It’s always true and it’s not something he even needs to think about. It’s a basic part of him to love people so it’s not a second thought of like ‘do i love them enough to warrant this?’ he’s never worried he’s using it wrong or that it doesn’t apply to him because if he’s using it at all, he loves them even a little bit and that’s enough for him

But ‘a little bit’ isn’t enough for austin. He uses the words when they apply by the definitions and standards he has set up for them and that is rare for his feels to meet that standard when it comes to ‘love’, /especially/ in the romantic sense, but even outside of it. I don’t know if he’s ever told kyle that he loves him. And admittedly like, they’re just cousins, fuck if I can remember the last time I told any of my extended family i loved them, and that’s for me when like, i’ll use it dismissively with family because i’m in the ‘they are family so even if you don’t like them or even tolerate them, there’s a familial love that is standard in the relationship’ (though admittedly that may also have come up in my brain as a way to get out of feeling like I was lying when i told some extended family that i loved them because they would say it first and it’s rude to just stay silent but like. nah. Anyway anyway. Like he’s told his parents he loves them, because he does. But he does not have the same connection with the rest of his family that he does with them. He would likely miss the presence of kyle, but his aunt and uncle? Meh! He’d lowkey miss uncle art, he was… tolerable? Honestly? Austin’s probably really glad when his aunt dies. Like she’s family and he recognizes he should feel bad but also she was the worst fucking person and now she’s no longer in their lives, embarrassing all of them and making kyle’s life hell, good riddance.

ANYWAY. Austin would use the phrase the first time after a moment of his emotions actually being like strongly noticeable, and then it would be a while before he said it again. Like his whole thing in the family au with the worry about the sex thing, that would behave like kyle’s worry about using the word love. Once it happened once or twice, austin can get every part of his brain to agree like yeah no this isn’t how this works, sex isn’t an automatic curse clearly, it’s fine. and kind of sweep that fear under the rug. But the restriction on the word love doesn’t really ease. /maybe/ if he starts to get more of the case for his scale being different but equal to others, and that just because he doesn’t feel like caught up romantically in amelia right this second, that doesn’t mean he hasn’t come to love her. Like if he uses it once and then the moment passes, he can realize he doesn’t actually suddenly stop loving amelia until she does something else to temporarily woo him. You can love someone without actively feeling it at that moment. He might learn to be a little more comfortable using it then, but still it’s like. Oh, actually! I think he might also start to find it easier once he acknowledged how important having mel in his life would be. Like he loves his daughter. He can say that easily by that point, he’s acknowledged that like, he would suffer for losing daliah, not even like inconvenienced/temporarily feeling the loss but moves on like he feels he would with someone like kyle’s death. Losing dal would be capital R Rough on him, so yes, he can equate that to loving her. Once he came to the same realization for mel of like. ‘If i lost her, a large part of me wouldn’t know what to /do/’, then he’d hit a point of like, consistent acknowledgement that he loves her. Still doesn’t say it a lot, but if he ever has the urge or reason to express caring about her in general, he’ll be more comfortable using the wording of ‘love’ than trying to find something that conveys a lesser version of the same idea.

Also, speaking of austin potentially losing his loved ones. ...okay, i know that sounds like a rough start, especially coming from me, but i’m not gonna go that dark. emphasis on the potential, i promise! Just like, austin being in a position where he’s worried about either or both of their safety, and having to deal with how the anxious concern bleeding into fear just kind of shakes up that composed appearance he has for himself. Whether it was something actually somewhat serious and confirmed as a potential issue like a serious illness or them getting into an accident or similar like dangerous sitches, or instead just unintentional speculation “they were supposed to be home from some trip or errand earlier and they’re not yet and i can’t reach amelia on her phone and realistically they’re probably just running late but what if they got into an accident or were mugged or otherwise hurt”. Austin’s just so bad at handling strong emotions, he’s really out of his element. Like kyle’s bad with emotions because he feels them so strongly they are overwhelming constantly anyway. Austin’s bad because he feels them so weakly that when he does feel them strongly he has no practiced ability for handling and processing them in a good way and they just kind of. You know that idea that if you vibrate something at a perfect frequency it slowly shakes itself apart? That’s what strong emotions do to austin, i feel like.

#ignore this #the thief kid #the suit kid #amusing muse musings #hey you au #au nt family edition

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thehalestorm · 7 years ago

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warning: i really need to vent so i'm going to do that right now. i'll tag it with #vent and #actuallyanxious so you guys can blacklist those tags if you don't wanna read. 💞

so i've been having horrendous anxiety for about the past month or so because i've somehow become convinced that nobody enjoys my presence, especially my friends. i feel like they genuinely dislike me and at times even hate me. it's gotten to the point where i have sat in the bathroom at lunch because i feel uncomfortable sitting with them, and a lot of times i cry while i'm in there. usually, my coping mechanism when i'm anxious is to ask myself: "is there any truth to what you're feeling? is there any evidence to support what your anxiety is telling you?" and then i try to reason with myself. this is difficult for me, because a lot of the time my emotions will overwhelm me in the moment and won't allow me to reason. it helps me to have something tangible to think about, though, so this has become my go-to coping mechanism.

anyway! last night, my friend invited me over for the first time in weeks and i accepted, because i thought this would be a good opportunity for me to show my anxiety that it's an annoying little thing that's not in control of my life and that i can still have relationships with people, but also because i still care about my friends and crave their companionship, so i was very happy that she invited me. i was literally prepared to walk out my door (my dad had already turned his car on for us to go) when my friend texted me with no explanation saying that plans were cancelled. of course, this drove my anxiety into overdrive and it frustrated me, but i was also understanding about the situation because things happen and people have to cancel plans. totally normal and fine and not at all a statement about me. right??? i told my dad about the change in plans and he instantly knew something was up with me so he asked me what was wrong. i just cried and didn't really want to talk about it, so he suggested that i attempt to distract myself by having some chocolate (a cure-all) and watching something funny. i did that and it managed to distract me somewhat, and i went to sleep soon after because i was exhausted from my crying. it really takes a lot out of you, right?

this morning i woke up and immediately got dressed to go volunteer (i feed stray cats that all live together in a little "colony.") since i had things to do (volunteer, then go home and make myself breakfast, etc.) i wasn't really thinking about my friends. until about half an hour ago. i finished eating and i went up to my room and opened up snapchat. i had this sinking feeling in my stomach and i thought "i really shouldn't check my friend's story, because i bet she ended up hanging out with other people last night after she canceled and posted it all on social media." the somewhat more reasonable side of me was like "no, that makes no sense. why would she do that? that would be awful of her. she wouldn't do that. i should check her story to prove myself wrong."

i clicked on her story, expecting to see some picture of her baby cousin or her cat or something along those lines and then expecting my anxiety to dissipate and for me to go about my merry day. what i see instead is a video of her in the car with two of her other friends, driving around and listening to music. it was posted 11 hours ago, meaning it was posted exactly around the time we were supposed to be together. i was devastated, because it turned out that my anxiety was actually right. she had actually cancelled on me to see other people, and then she posted it on social media without considering that i would see it and be hurt. this means that now my coping mechanism is completely discredited. now, whenever i try to reason with myself, i know that i'm going to think back to this time and tell myself that my anxiety is actually probably right and what's happening is probably exactly what i'm afraid of happening.

i instinctively sent her this long message about my anxiety, how hard it is for me to express my feelings (because it's so fucking hard for me to do so and the idea of telling people how i feel terrifies me), how hurt i am, etc. i took great care to be respectful, because i didn't want her to feel angry or feel like i was putting a whole bunch of blame on her. she opened my message, but didn't respond, and she's called me three times since then. she knows full well how anxious phone calls make me, because i've mentioned it before, but she won't stop calling me. i'm too scared to answer. i know i'm going to start crying if i have a phone conversation, and i really desperately do not want that. i don't want her to feel like i'm guilt tripping her or being manipulative and i also really don't want to embarrass myself. i don't know what to do and i'm incredibly uncomfortable and i just wanted to type my feelings out. it helps me a little bit. thank you so much for allowing me to do so.

also, in case anyone is thinking "wow, you need new friends," i know that. don't worry. i've known for a little while now that my friends aren't supportive and that i should cut them out of my life, but the problem is that. i. still. love. them. i know i'll miss them if i walk away. i've had two of these friends in my life for six years and the other one of them for two years. i would feel like utter shit if i cut the ties, because i've thought of these girls as sisters for so long and they've impacted my life in multiple ways. i'm having a lot of inner conflict because of the love i have for these girls, but also because they've done numerous toxic things that make me think they're hurting me more than anything. i don't feel very comfortable talking about the other problems i've had with my friends. i apologize.

once again, thank you guys a thousand times over for letting me vent. i'll probably delete this in a few days. i hope everyone has a good day and that any conflict anyone may be having with their own friends or family soon blows over. 💞

#vent #venting #anxious #anxiety #actuallyanxious

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aboardthessbae · 7 years ago

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Home

Fifth trip report: Home 100ug LSD tab 25 June 2017 Self Took the tab at ID10T midday so I would still be peaking for Madeon whose set ended at 11. I was there alone, surrounded by people of all ages. As I came up, I kept repeating to myself to calm down because of how extremely easy it was to be overwhelmed there; I've never put big sarah so out of her element and on display. It was horrifying honestly, the knowledge that I could easily get caught on this drug. During the comeup, I passed a VR booth where they let people play a puzzle game with the goggles. After some consideration, I sat down at the end of the queue to play. I was so embarrassed when it was my turn because I was shivering and shuddering, so the left and right controllers on the screen everyone else was looking at were shaking a lot. The puzzle itself was so difficult for me because I felt so disoriented. One of the features of the game was teleportation because you can't physically move around too much and man oh man was that something else entirely. I never got the puzzle done because in my state, that was asking way too much of me even though in reality it was a simple task. I began to trip hard, and as much as I told myself to stay calm, I knew that would not be possible. I was surrounded by swarms of people, billions of judging eyes scrutinising my behaviours and waiting to get me in trouble. I was alone, already a pretty strange sight to see a solo attendee let alone the fact that she's tripping major balls. I was listening to music, and for the first time in a long time, I let myself be washed over by Porter's music. Scared of losing touch with reality and appropriate social conduct and knowing I wanted to let it overcome me and that my typical response would be overly conspicuous, I walked as quickly as I could to the bathroom and locked myself into a stall. During this entire time, I was typing down my thoughts as I typically do, and most of it at that moment was my paranoia that I wasn't acting normal. But I realised all I was doing was staring down at my phone typing as I walked to my next destination as quickly as I could and that in doing so, I was acting normal. That is so typical of people, maybe an extreme example, but still, just trying to get to their next task or their next conquest or their next source of what passes as happiness before they get their fill and are bored, staring down at their little screens and giving no time nor attention to the world around them. When I got to the bathroom, I began to sob, and I created a shelter for myself in that horrible little public bathroom stall. I quickly put down toilet seat covers, but found that sitting on the toilet further confused my body and its needs and functions. I climbed onto the tiny toilet paper dispenser attached to the left wall and put my feet up on the opposite wall's trash can. I began to heavily regret tripping in such a majorly public scene, feeling like I abused my beloved Lucy, and was dangerously considering staying in that stall for the rest of the day till Jai Wolf and Madeon. Alex got to the venue with his cousins. I convinced myself that to make the most out of the day, I'd have to enjoy the moment over the drug, even if it meant I couldn't listen to my own music. I asked myself when I would allow myself to listen to my music. And my answer was home. But what I had to settle for as home was either the bus back or Matt's house. And I realised, yes those are safe places, but they aren't home. My music is what makes a place home to me. I went to join them. I watched Alex buy something from someone, which was so strange. He asked the seller "How much for this?" "10 dollars" "Okay," and he handed him 10 dollars. I was baffled at the idea of monetary values. This useless piece of green paper that we collectively decide has some set worth that we use to exchange for real goods. It seemed such a foreign concept, though it's the only way I've known all my life. How does something that unnatural have so much hold over our lives, from the moment we're born to the moment we die? Being with Alex and his cousins, I felt the courteous thing to do was to be social and stay in conversation with them, but it was so overwhelming on top of the thousands of conversations that were already going on in my head. I had to remind myself that I can make myself alone whenever I want. It was strange that I was able to hear every word around me clearly and comprehend none of it. My inner voice seemed to drown out their meanings. It was so easy to get overwhelmed, anxious, frightened, and my mind would run in messy circles, amplified by the anti-introvert environment. But when I let myself listen to my music, it became my sole focus, all I could accept as existing as it left no room for anything else I could perceive or conjure. One of the most strikingly new opportunities this trip and my environment allowed me was the ability to observe people—friends, individuals, crowds— up close. And as uncomfortable as it made me, it intrigued me that much more. I knew that I'd feel perfectly fine around other animals, beings we can define as part of nature, but man? Man is so evolved, the species separated itself from nature, became wretchedly intelligent enough to dictate thoughts and motives and behaviours that go beyond mere existence. I wished so much for it not to be illegal to be on acid in public because all I wanted was to be outside but still be allowed to have my primal hysterical reactions to music. I love sobbing to music, it's a physical release of all the emotion I experience when listening, which is also why I feel compelled to heave and purge when that release comes to a peak. I realised that I actually love being emotional, having the ability to experience a wide range of emotion; it's one of the many privileges of being more than an animal. I felt like it was a waste to not use that ability and harness it to express myself. I compared myself to how I used to be, thinking it was pathetic to be empathetic, but I came to decide if empathy is at all part of the reason music moves me so deeply, it's serendipitous. I think a lot of my understanding of the way people think and behave comes from my own experiences being on multiple edges of the human persona spectra. I kept yearning to somehow maximise, capitalise my time, thinking I needed to make every moment meet its potential. I felt as though all around me was undulating, pushing and pulling my helpless self and controlling my circumstances. It was new, I was so used to being able to force things my way because I was alone. It was terrifying, and it stoked more internal chaos. But I realised that every moment is already at its best potential, I can be at my maximum happiness without changing my surroundings or circumstances but by changing my perspective. Then the fear turned to entertainment, and I started having fun just living. It was strange focusing my energy onto the external rather than the internal, felt as though I was a matterless spectre perceiving all things, an outside observer. The guilt that I felt before over having put Lucy on extreme display and throwing her into a sea of this strange alien species taught me a lot about Lucy and myself. I saw that I trip as a way to escape from people, that my sense of isolation is partially responsible for my superiority complex, why I see everyone as a plebeian. In the tent, I first thought festivals were just a mass gathering, a reminder, of human filth, but I constantly brought myself back down and prevented myself from believing I was better by reminding myself that just like me, everyone else is trying to maximise on their time and enjoyment too. When I engrained that idea in my head, criticism turned into observation, and observation turned into admiration. I stopped seeing people as cockroaches and began to really appreciate that they just want to have fun in their own ways. And when everyone's focused on having a good time and sharing that time with others, there is no malicious intent and people aren't so bad. And everyone looked so beautiful, exotic. Humans appeared as crafted creatures, each one so different from the last. This appreciation extended itself to individuals too. Usually I do a lot of introspection, study and learn about myself, but I was now trying to grasp the essence of who people were, especially the people in my life. I marvelled in the idea that sharing even a single moment with someone means you know at least a small part of him. I found meeting people so phenomenal—here's the same creature as the 7.3 billion minus one rest of you, and yet it's not the same creature at all because this thing has its own past and life paths, likes and dislikes, dreams and thoughts, ideas and outlooks, and I wondered how we are this diverse. I was a little sad to know I wasn't able to reach that transcendence and clarity and feel clever, but all I really cared about was music, so it was okay. Any trace of regret that remained was decimated the moment Jai Wolf came on. I made my way to the front of the crowd, where I could see his face as he created the art that I was consuming all at once. I was astounded by this creation I was witnessing as if it were a gift just for me. I was basking in the present and the present. As Like It's Over came on, memories of my first trip spilled into my mind and forced out more tears. When I experienced my first trip's egodeath, I was alone, inconsolable till I heard Like It's Over. It felt as though it somehow extended itself to me and enveloped me, and my devastations subsided, overcome by oneness and a quiet, serene kind of beauty. When Jai Wolf played it, I was overwhelmed by the privilege I had of experiencing that moment at such a deeply personal level. Jai Wolf's set ended, and I made it even farther forward to see Madeon. A lot of the time being there with Madeon made it feel like I had the gift of reliving Shelter Live. I was so happy to be drinking in his music next to a friend I made who was as much of a fan as I am. As Madeon performed right there in front of me, I laughed because I felt as though I was marrying him. As I searched for words throughout the day, forming coherent, maybe even eloquent, sentences felt as though I was flipping through my mind's dictionary at a rapid rate, scanning for the exact word I needed to wordsmith my thoughts. Getting back to Matt's was such a struggle. I walked to the bus stop to catch my bus, which was late, making me think I was stranded for a while. The bus ride was a few hours long, and my phone was barely on with its battery in the single digits. I worried about how Matt would pick me up from the bus station so I asked him for his number to memorise and use someone else's phone to call him when mine died. I quickly figured out that memorising a string of ten numbers in my state was a challenge so I used sign language, thinking it was at least worth a shot to use muscle memory. My phone's lack of battery brought up many dilemmas. I needed to keep it on for as long as I could to savour my music. I also was finally in a dark and relatively solitudous place and allowed to think. I came to great epiphanies and as a greater achievement still, I managed to connect all these ideas together in the most satisfying and encapsulating way. These ideas and connections and the significance of them all are lost to me now because as much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn't afford to write them down. My phone finally gave out and I was forced yet again to make the most of my situation, on a bus playing music I disliked. When I got to the bus station, I borrowed someone's phone to call Matt, who came to get me promptly. I froze while I waited and deeply regretted not bringing a jacket, but when I saw Matt and Josh pull up, waves of relief and comfort and triumph came over me. I was proud of myself for proving my ability to take care of myself or at least find ways to keep myself alive for a day on acid in a strange, unbeknownst place called the Bay Area. The morning afters of my trips usually span at least a day but this one only lasted the morning as I lied in bed staring up at the ceiling, not even writing my report because I couldn't bring myself to. It ended when I got myself out of the room and was greeted by Matt and Josh downstairs. Having friends around really numbs the usual dense pain of loneliness that comes after Lucy has gone.

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saiilorstars · 4 years ago

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Dare to Forget Me

Ch. 21: Birthday Blues

Fandom: Law & Order SVU

Pairing: Rafael Barba x Original female character

Warnings: Due to the nature of the series’ plots, I do have to rate this as ‘mature’ for constant mentions of rape.

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(Previous chapters)