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hotheadhero · 5 years ago

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Get to Know the Blogger

(No, I look nothing like this IRL. This is my Latias gijinka, Yuna Minami. Her Latios twin doesn’t have a 3D model.)

1. name: Nintendraw 2. strange fact about yourself: I’ve installed or repaired two HVAC (Nest control units), one 3-way light switch, and a car bumper. Almost a sink. Where’s my mechanic’s license? (pls don’t give me one lmao) 3. top 3 physical things you find attractive on a person: Why can’t I name non-physical things? Honestly, anatomy classes have desensitized me to this sort of thing, but I suppose pecs, abs, and warm hands are nice in addition to the face. 4. a food you could eat forever and not get bored of: Any Asian-style soup. Pho, Taiwainese, ramen, tom yum, chao (rice porridge), canh (leafy greens + ground pork soup), bun rieu (spicy tomato-/crab-based noodle soup with pork and cabbage), bun thang (rice noodle with shredded egg, chicken, and cha/Viet sausage)... 5. a food you hate: Pineapples (mostly was traumatized by receiving it when it wasn’t expected) 6. guilty pleasure: Romance novels? Also video games or wasting time following whatever rabbit hole. 7. what do you sleep in: tbh, anything not formal wear (or later, gunked with body fluids/pathogens). Usually some shirt and some pants; idc about sleeve/leg length. If I’m tired enough, I’ll sleep in jeans too... 8. serious relationships or flings: Serious only, if only because anything else is likely to get (mis)read by me as friend. 9. if you could go back in the past and change one thing about your life, what would it be: Learn Vietnamese sooner. Get my shiz in gear quicker academically (how Asian). 10. are you an affectionate person: Once I get to know you, or nearly anywhere online? I like to think I’m nice, but have come off as arrogant IRL before... 11. a movie you could watch over and over again: Haven’t watched many movies recently (aka the past up to 3-4 years), but perhaps Dr. Strange. Or Pokemon movies 1 (Mewtwo), 2 (Lugia), or Heroes (Lati@s). Or Star Wars. 12. favorite book: I’ll be hard-pressed to name just one, but some favorites I can quickly recall include Wielding a Red Sword by Piers Anthony (also On a Pale Horse by the same) and Kissed by an Angel by Elizabeth Chandler. The latter’s writing miiight not be the best anymore (it’s been years since I read), but some aspects of the main male character stuck with me potently enough to partially inform my oldest OC, himself an angel. 13. you have the opportunity to keep any animal as a pet, what would you choose: If domestic only, Welsh Corgis or (particularly if I could maintain the floof) Pomeranians/Huskies. If exotic are allowed, a red panda or red fox would be pretty neat. Or a tame cuddly dragon, if fictional animals are allowed too. :O 14. top 5 fictional ships: Camus x Nyna (I realize this is in direct conflict with Ree lmao) = Steven x May = Zack x Aerith > Nero x Kirie = Link x Zelda or Geralt x Triss (the last one until I get more in-game interaction with Yennefer) 15. pie or cake: Cake, 100%. 16. favorite scent: Mint, chai, beach/ocean, birthday cake/vanilla... 17. celebrity crush: Tbh, I don’t pay enough attention to celebrities to have one... I suppose I really liked Derek Hough when he first showed up on Dancing with the Stars. 18. if you could travel anywhere, where would you go: Valencia and/or Madrid, Spain (the former for their version of Smithsonian); Akihabara, Japan (0/10 wasn’t allowed to buy otaku last time); Vienna, Austria (music capital of the classical music world imo!!); back to the Smithsonian... 19. introvert or extrovert: Introvert 20. do you scare easily: I can be easily startled... Otherwise, I tend to be pretty unflappable in professional situations where I have some kind of response, even a framework, ahead of time. Unpreparedness is the devil, though. 21. iphone or android: Android 100%. By now, I’m kinda entrenched (whoops); and there’s more freedom of customization (e.g. root, different apps) 22. do you play any video games: Honestly, I’d be surprised if anyone in this group doesn’t XD I own mostly RPG or puzzle games, e.g. Pokemon/Zelda/Fire Emblem, Stella Glow, Radiant Historia, Valkyria Chronicles, etc. 23. dream job: At present? Cutting people open to save them. Dunno whether I like the idea of doing it with cool tech/robots or bare hands better; I am pretty dexterous, but... See Dr. Strange. 24. what would you do with a million dollars: Since Azzie reminded me to invest in something valuable like gold, I’d probably put 70% of the million into that/investments/emergency fund and use the remainder to give my parents a first-class vacation, pay off my loans, give myself a vacation (given the anticipated high stress of my career), and increase my souvenir budget for the next couple trips. 25. fictional characters you hate: Hate is a strong word, but other than the assorted slimeball NPCs you get to hunt down in Witcher 3, most characters I dislike tend to be as a result of being anti-OTP or poorly written. I suppose I dislike the protagonist of The Road, a small group of RPers from previous RPing sites/eras, and Ebony Raven Darkness Dementia Way. (All of those are here because writing style XD) 26. fandom that you used to be part of: Do Devil May Cry and Lucifer count? I come back to them occasionally, but only really engaged in either by watching a Let’s Play and reading fanfics respectively.

tagged by: tagging: Have at it, y’all XD

#munday #ooc

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battlestar-royco · 5 years ago

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updated faq

Round 2! I tried to shorten the answers so as not to be repetitive, and I also added new FAQs for your convenience. My past self who wrote my first FAQ annoys me, and this one is more thorough anyway, so here you go. I still can’t believe you all actually interact with me enough that I have to make one of these.

Questions up here, answers under the cut.

anti sjm basics

1. why are you an anti?

2. why are you specifically anti SJM?

3. do you like anything about SJM’s books?

4. terminology and practices

5. why do you hold SJM to a higher standard than other authors?/why do you focus on criticizing this one woman more harshly than you do men?

6. did you see what xyz stan did?

7. are you an anti for non-SJM stuff?

best of (in my humble opinion)

diversity and sensitivity

8. I have a question about writing and/or how to portray xyz identity...

9. can you please tag...?

10. is it okay if I like [x author]/[y series] even if I know they’re problematic?

11. what are your suggestions for aspiring authors who want to write diversely?

personal

12. is it okay if I message you?

13. why don’t you post about books/shows/movies you actually like?

14. favorites?

15. book suggestions?

16. are you a writer/what are you writing/do you plan on publishing?

17. is it okay if I follow you on other social media?

18. fandom research

19. when did you start your blog?

20. how did you decide your url?

anti SJM basics

1. why are you an anti?

I love thinking critically about the media I consume. Though I wouldn’t say I’m particularly “anti” any text or author, some people classify any criticism as “anti.” To respect people in the main tags, I post in anti tags so they don’t have to see critical posts. Otherwise, I love talking about positive, neutral, and negative aspects of books.

2. why are you specifically anti SJM?

The Anti SJM Manifesto

What made you turn into an anti? x x

Rowan/Rowaelin: x x x

The fandom: x x x x x x

3. do you like anything about SJM’s books?

Yes. I like a lot of SJM’s ideas, but I don’t like how they’re executed at all. I highly enjoyed TAB, TOG-HOF, and the witch storyline of QOS. My favorite TOG characters are Manon, Chaol, Nehemia, and Sorscha. Honorable mention for Lysandra, Kaltain, and Asterin. My favorite ACOTAR characters are Nesta, Lucien, and Tarquin. Additional links: x x x x

If you want my positive thoughts on certain SJM characters, look up: “anti sjm: [character name]” and you’ll find them.

4. terminology and practices:

Anti SJM Glossary. Seeing as many of us have had bad experiences with stans and in one case, authors, we censor names so our posts stay in our own tags.

What is soap dick? From August 2018 x x.

Manongate? when KOA came out, Charlie Bowater’s promotional art (x) depicted Manon as Asian. Here’s more on why that’s a problematic and lazy decision on SJM and Bloomsbury’s part: x x.

5. why do you hold SJM to a higher standard than other authors?/why do you focus on criticizing this one woman more harshly than you do men?

SJM alone out of all the biggest YA authors has yet to make craft improvements or display a social awareness similar to what I’ve seen from her colleagues. I give all authors an equal chance, but SJM’s writing and behavior has significantly decreased in quality compared to other fantasy authors despite her books being lauded as complex and feminist works. However, I’m not perfect, so do feel welcome to send me an ask if you think I’m being unfair.

The anti SJM community is focused on women because we all mainly read women. Critiquing women doesn’t mean we are unaware, dismissive of, or silent about the issues in men’s work. The “anti” movements for the likes of GRRM do exist, but under a different name than “anti”–there are thousands of critical meta blogs, book/TV critics and reviewers, Youtubers, etc out there who discuss his flaws in depth. I also have lengthy anti GRRM, anti GOT, and anti ASOIAF tags. Finally, I personally find critiquing and discussing women’s work a lot more interesting, productive, and empowering than doing the same for men, especially because my blog’s focus is on the YA author/transformative fan community at large.

About Leigh Bardugo: x x x x x x x

About GRRM (and GOT): x x x x x x x

About Tolkien: I've only read The Hobbit and a third of Fellowship of the Ring, and I’ve only watched FotR, so I don’t say much about him at all.

6. did you see what xyz stan did?

Probably not, especially if what they did was off Tumblr. I don’t look at stan accounts unless someone informs me that my posts or I have come up in conversation on their blog. Any specific stan urls in asks will be redacted both for their privacy and my own well-being. Stans have doxxed, harassed, and discriminated against antis, including myself, so I’d rather save us all the trouble.

7. are you an anti for non-SJM stuff?

I most often talk about SJM’s books, but I’ve also been very critical of GOT/ASOIAF. Following GRRM, several other YA authors have appeared in positive, neutral, and critical lights. On the more critical side we have Cassandra Clare and JK Rowling, and a very little bit about Victoria Aveyard, John Green, Maggie Stiefvater, Stephenie Meyer, and Veronica Roth. Otherwise, I’ve talked about Susan Dennard, Rick Riordan, Leigh Bardugo, and Marie Rutkoski. Check out my YA critical tag for more. I’m also down to discuss franchises like Star Wars, Fantastic Beasts, MCU, etc, as well as TV shows. Basically anything big in genre fiction media, there’s a good chance I’ve read/watched it and I have opinions!

best of

anti SJM

Are the Illyrians MOC?

Moral Ambiguity Series

Anti Nessian

Lucien or Rhysand?

Chaol or Rowan?

misc.

why are period dramas like... that

White Feminism

a beginner’s guide to fandom racism

diversity and sensitivity

8. I have a question about writing and/or how to portray xyz identity...

First and foremost, check my “writing advice” and “writing advice: poc” tags to see if the question has already been answered.

I am black cis girl with a dual degree in women’s/gender studies and creative writing. I will best be able to answer questions regarding black characters, women, racial oppression and identity as a whole, and most questions about queer characters. There’s a chance I can provide a basic answer to questions about demographics outside of these, but I’ll most likely advise you to ask another blogger or seek out sensitivity readers.

9. can you please tag...?

Yes. Just send an ask and I’ll tag anything. I’ve turned off all Tumblr notifications for this account so I probably won’t see tag requests in comments unless you comment within a day or so of the post.

10. is it okay if I like [x author]/[y series] even if I know they’re problematic?

Absolutely. I’m not the liking-things police and I can’t control whether you like something or not. There’s no such thing as an unproblematic author or unproblematic series, so you just have to like what you like at your own discretion and with a critical eye. As long as you’re aware of the issues and not denying or ignoring them, maybe even seeking out other people whose opinions add to the conversation, you’re good. It’s exhausting to be 100% critical but harmful to be 100% uncritical, so you have to seek out critics you like and figure out how to maintain a dialogue with the text and/or the author. The balance is different for everyone but once you find it, it gets easier to keep up!

11. what are your suggestions for aspiring authors who want to write diversely?

Concepts to be aware of and tropes to avoid: male gaze, the Bechdel test, the Mako Mori test, the sexy lamp test, fridging, Orientalism, xenoface (called “the Gamora Phenomenon” on my blog), black best friend, Spicy Latina, Dragon Lady, bury your gays, disability narratives, queerbaiting.

What not to do when creating a culture.

My advice about writing POC.

Check out these blogs if you like: x x x.

Follow as diversely as possible. Follow multiple blogs, especially writing- or fandom-themed blogs, run by POC (especially women and LGBTQ+), bloggers from religiously marginalized groups, bloggers with disabilities, older bloggers, younger bloggers, international bloggers, plus size bloggers, etc. Everyone has different perspectives and opinions, so it’s best to read from multiple sources.

Magnify marginalized voices in conversations about diversity, and LISTEN to what they are telling you.

Read diversely! Read genre fiction written by marginalized people. Maybe even read some gender, queer, race, or disability theory if you like. I’m personally a fan of Audre Lorde, Anne McClintock, and Sara Ahmed, but I like a lot more.

Seek out multiple sensitivity readers for the specific identity you are trying to represent (ie if you are trying to write a Muslim woman, ask a Muslim woman to sensitivity read for you. Experiences are not interchangeable so don’t treat them as such).

Don’t let the research stop here. This is just the beginning. There are plenty of awesome and accessible resources out there if you want to know more. I started learning about this stuff on sites like Tumblr, Goodreads, and Youtube. The Goodreads review sections, especially for YA books, are so entertaining and full of commentators coming at texts with feminist, queer, and POC lenses if you look in the right spots. There are also podcasts and Youtube videos about feminism, history of queerbaiting, and such. Happy reading/listening/writing!

personal

12. is it okay if I message you?

If we’ve been mutuals and/or we’ve interacted for a while (at least a few weeks or so), absolutely. When it comes to questions about writing or diversity advice in WIPs, I prefer asks (off or on anon is fine; if you’d like to be off anon but answered privately, you can indicate that in the ask). That way, other people with similar questions can join the discussion and I’m less likely to repeat myself. That said, I’m not opposed to messages; I just get shy around people I don’t know :). Regardless of ask or message, please try to ask the full question as clearly as possible so I can answer it to my best ability. Generally, you can expect an answer to your message or ask within a few days to a week of sending.

If you’re looking for a fight and/or if you start using condescending, rude, or discriminatory language, you will be ignored.

13. why don’t you post about books/shows/movies you actually like?

I do! :)

14. favorites?

books: Harry Potter; The Hunger Games; Six of Crows; Percy Jackson; The Winner’s Trilogy; Angelfall; The Secret History; Othello; Jane Eyre; The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe/The Magician’s Nephew; A Storm of Swords.

movies: Alien, Blade Runner 2049, Harry Potter, Wonder Woman, Black Panther, Annihilation, Mad Max: Fury Road, The Terminator 2, The Breakfast Club, The Lion King, Moonlight dir. Barry Jenkins, Sleeping Beauty, Mulan, Tangled.

tv series: Sense8, Battlestar Galactica (2004-2008), Black Mirror, The X Files, The 100, Westworld (season 1 only), Watchmen, Homeland (seasons 1-4 only), Orphan Black, Breaking Bad, The Office, Brooklyn Nine-Nine, New Girl, Fleabag.

15. book suggestions?

Book recs!

Maxine, did you read/watch...?

16. are you a writer/what are you writing/do you plan on publishing?

I hope to publish, yes! I write mostly YA fantasy, but I also love sci fi, crime drama, and certain elements of horror so I have works in or influenced by all of those genres. I want to get my foot in the YA fantasy door first and foremost :). Check out “polysorscha writes things” if you want to know more specifics.

17. is it okay if I follow you on other social media?

As of now I keep my blog disconnected from my personal life, so I don’t share my other socials but feel free to follow me over on my main blog @ripley-stark if you like! It’s just pretty gifs and photos of my favorite movies and shows, social justice, meta reblogs here and there, and rambling in the tags. Don’t feel like you have to follow if you don’t want to; I say a lot more on here.

That being said, I have given my Goodreads to a handful of people who ask, so if you want to track what I’m reading, private message me and I’ll send you the link. In the case that I share the link with you, please respect my privacy and do not repost or share the link anywhere else unless you see me share it on my blog publicly.

18. fandom research:

In March to May 2019, I conducted a survey on my blog in an attempt to gather information about fandom through a social justice–specifically, intersectional feminist–lens. Here are the results and my analysis of the survey x. The purpose for this data collection was to write my final undergraduate research paper in one of my two majors, women’s and gender studies (the other is creative writing!), which focused on diversity and inclusion in genre fiction media and fandom. The final paper is about 11k words. I haven’t publicly published it, but message me if you’re interested in reading it! I also plan on doing more similar surveys to gather information about what audiences want to see in future media, so if anyone is interested, please send messages, asks, comments etc about what YOU want to see and/or ideas about how we can spread the info to creators. This is much bigger than just me and I can’t do it without your help. I love hearing from diverse voices and amplifying them as much as I can. Everyone’s perspective is meaningful!

19. when did you start your blog?

No earlier than the end of April or beginning of May 2018.

20. how did you decide your url?

I wish the Celaena/Dorian/Chaol love triangle resolved in a polyamorous relationship, and that Nehemia and Sorscha were thriving. Seeing as I am black, Sorscha is one of two characters in T0G who represents me. Thus, polyamorous + Sorscha. :)

#faq

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invisibletinkerer · 6 years ago

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Fic: 30 Seconds Later (chapter 10)

Chapter 1 – Chapter 2 – Chapter 3 – Chapter 4 – Chapter 5 – Chapter 6 – Chapter 7 – Chapter 8 – Chapter 9 - Chapter 10 - Chapter 11

Length: ~4500 words

AO3 Link

Stanford blinked, slowly, his eyelashes uncomfortably crusted for some reason. He’d been on the beach, and there’d been some kind of trouble, but right now he was resting against something warm and safe, so it seemed best to just close his eyes again.

No.

No, what was he thinking, what was he doing? He pushed himself up and scrambled to his feet on a surge of panic. How could he possibly think it was fine? He’d been asleep again, his body was betraying him just like everything else did, it was already too late. He hit his back hard against the covered mirror on the opposite side of the room, clenching his large hands in the fabric and stared wild-eyed around him, trying to understand what had happened.

The blurry, grey-haired person he’d been resting against in the couch grumbled his name. “Stanford?”

Stanley. Of course.

He remembered. The barrier spell. Bill was blocked out.

He was safe.

Ford made himself draw a deep breath, slowly letting go of the cloth behind him and allowing his shoulders to relax, repeating the words like a mantra in his mind. He was safe. For now. Bill couldn’t touch him.

“Stanford?” Stanley repeated, sounding more worried this time. “You okay?”

“Yes,” Ford said hoarsely, trying to will his heart to slow down, his head to stop throbbing. “I believe so.” Bill wasn’t here. Bill hadn’t been in his mind or body since before he’d entered this room. He hadn’t endangered anything by sleeping. Stanley was fine, the children were fine, the world was fine. He hadn’t lost control.

Running a hand through his hair, he tried to parse the repercussions or lack thereof of this course of events. He’d slept undisturbed. His mind must have been throwing randomized memories and emotions at him, but natural dreams were harmless, and Bill hadn’t been there. His body had actually had a chance to rest.

“Bad dreams?” Stanley asked.

“No—no, hardly that bad,” Ford said, making an attempt to bring the fleeting images of the dream back to mind. He’d been on Glass Shard Beach. Stanley had been there, with gray hair and a dirty red jacket, standing on the deck of the Stan o’War and threatening to burn the unicorn hair, but Ford had been preoccupied with a futile effort to erase the myriad triangles someone had carved into the sand. Discomforting, certainly, but not delibitating. “Bill stayed out of my head, and I think I slept well. I was just startled upon waking.”

Stanley grunted. “Fair enough.”

Ford leaned back against the mirror and closed his eyes – and it was alright to do so, he was safe – and tried to take stock of himself. His throat was parched, and there was a distracting headache pounding the insides of his skull to the beat of his still racing heart. He probably shouldn’t have moved so quickly. The skin on his chest was throbbing even worse, heating up as if Bill had burned him rather than cut him last night, sticky and clammy under his clothes, but he refused to think further about that mess. He felt thoroughly sore. Bruised. But none of it was new, and despite everything, he felt – better. More real. The exhaustion hadn’t gone away, but it felt more like simple weariness than having his consciousness balanced on razor-sharp blades at the moment.

With a final sigh, he relaxed and didn’t even stumble on the way back to the couch. He picked up his glasses and the opened Pitt cola he hadn’t finished earlier on the way, draining the stale soda in a single gulp as he sat down. “What time is it?” he asked, leaning forward with his arms on his knees.

“A couple of minutes past five in the afternoon.” Stanley yawned while checking his watch. “I can’t believe I slept that long. Probably good for you, though. You feel any better now?”

“Yes, I—” Ford hesitated. “I still can’t believe it. I never meant to—well.” He rubbed his eyes hard with the heels of his hands, then put his glasses back on. “I needed this.” He’d prefer not to talk about his earlier breakdown, not to mention falling asleep on top of his brother like a small child, but despite the embarrassment he couldn’t bring himself to regret it. Safety was such an amazing luxury, and Stanley was—

Helping him. Part of him was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

“Thanks,” he mumbled finally, deliberately not looking at his aged twin. He wanted to berate himself for showing that kind of vulnerability, but in the end, no harm seemed to have been done. Stanley made a decent pillow, that was all.

“Heh,” Stanley said beside him, stretching his arms. “Told ya we could fix it. We’ll have you back up and nerding out in no time.”

The familiar fatigue in Ford’s limbs reminded him that he could probably sleep more – and the realization that he could sleep more, risking no immediate horrors, made him chuckle briefly with a mixture of amusement and wonder. Perhaps he had more time left than he’d dared hope. There was still an apocalypse with his name on it waiting in the wings, but he would be content to take Stanley’s earlier advice and delay the expedition to the UFO crash site until tomorrow. Amazingly, a delay didn’t have to mean deterioration of his chances.

Stanley was standing up and stretching further, loudly cracking his back. “So,” he said, “You gonna admit you’re hungry already, or am I gonna have to drag you to the kitchen?”

Ford considered it and found that he was, indeed, hungry. “I suppose I could eat,” he said. Although he was sorely tempted to go back to sleep immediately, some nourishment might give him a bit of much needed strength back.

“Good, because now I’m starving, and you’re running out of excuses not to eat. Let’s raid the kitchen for leftovers, shall we?”

Ford flinched. Those words – that infliction – were too familiar, assaulting him with a wave of unwelcome déjà vu. A simpler time, a beloved brother, and damn it all, but he’d missed him.

“Stop it!” he blurted.

“Stop what?”

Stop sounding so much like yourself. Stop making me think we’re still—

“Never mind,” Ford deflected quietly. He had more important things to worry about. Stanley had ruined everything for him at least once – twice, if he counted the yesterday of thirty years ago, although perhaps he’d had very little left to be ruined at that point. And he had ruined everything for Stanley in turn. They were both better off without a twin. This aching emptiness inside him was ridiculous. “Let’s go,” he said.

Passing though the metaphysical barrier should not have been a physical sensation, but crossing the threshold still made a chill go down Stanford’s spine. Beyond it he was vulnerable again. For a moment he froze, a cowardly part of him ready to turn back to the miraculous sanctuary, but no. He couldn’t lock himself in a room. Bill was still out there, and even if he could hide himself from the demon forever, Bill would find other ways to bring about the end of the world unless Ford could put a stop to it. He hoped that the manic laughter in the back of his mind was just his imagination.

The soundless laughter blended with the headache, but didn’t cease even as Stanley found a large plate of no less than six pre-assembled cold tacos in the fridge, grinning at Ford as he set them on the table and started digging into them with good appetite.

Stanford would have done the same if he could. The tacos smelled simultaneously delicious and nauseating, flavorful and filling, spicy and greasy. He picked one up and found himself staring at it as if it was an opponent set to tear down his carefully constructed thesis. The thesis being: he was hungry. Carefully nibbling a small bite, chewing and swallowing, he found his stomach churning painfully, an annoying wave of nausea passing through him.

Trying to find something else might an option – he’d eaten a whole pancake this morning before his stomach started protesting – but he’d never been a picky eater and this seemed like a frustrating time to start. Just because he hadn’t been eating in a while didn’t have to mean he was psysically incapable. Sighing, he got up to the sink, fetched a glass from the cupboard – Stanley’s glass, Stanley’s cupboard, Stanley’s house, Stanley’s food – and filled it with water. He drank deeply, then refilled. At least that felt good going down.

He’d just sat down by the table again when the children came bouncing down the stairs. Well, Mabel bounced – Dipper came after, stiffly and carefully, hindered by the injuries Ford’s carelessness had inflicted on him. Ford looked away, wishing they wouldn’t see him.

“Grunkle Stan!” Mabel exclaimed, throwing herself around Stanley’s neck. “We thought you were gonna sleep forever!”

“Ah,” Stanley said, gently pulling her off him. “Yeah, sorry about that, pumpkin. But on the bright side, the barrier worked fine, so no one’s gonna get sleep possessed again.” He glanced at Ford who did not look up. “You’re a hero, sweetie,” he told Mabel.

She shrugged. “Maybe, but I think heroism is relative,” she said. “Just like being pure of heart.”

“Fair,” Stanley admitted, raising a finger. “Protecting the family from demons sounds pretty heroic to me, though. What do you say, Poindexter?”

Ford gave up on his staring contest with the taco, being obliged to look at the weird, charming child who had done the impossible for his sake. “Yes,” he said. It would have been mostly to protect her actual family, not him, but she had handled herself above and beyond what anyone could have expected, and giving him this gift after what he had done to her brother – she shouldn’t have had to. “You did well, Mabel,” he managed.

She beamed at him. “You’re welcome, uncle Ford!”

“So, um,” Dipper’s voice appeared from Ford’s other side, “Did you have a good nap?”

Ford turned reluctantly to the boy. He looked more than a little bit nervous, and for good reason. “Much better than I deserved,” he replied solemnly. “Don’t worry, I won’t allow him to hurt you again.”

“Good, that’s good… Um...” Dipper bit his lip, apparently trying to say something else, but unable to get it out. Ford took the paus as an opportunity to focus on the meal, forcing himself to take a big bite out of the taco. If he was going to eat it he might as well go ahead and do it.

That was a mistake. The greasy taco meat seemed to grow disproportionally in his mouth, making it a struggle to swallow, and once he succeeded in getting it down, it tried to get back up. He hulked, putting a hand over his mouth and fighting not to vomit all over the kitchen table as his own stomach turned against him. For a panicked moment he was convinced it was Bill’s doing, this was some new trick to throw him out of his own body. His insides were burning with acid and spasming with gag reflexes, and the rest of the world disappeared in a blur next to his desperate efforts to stay in control.

Somehow he was able to push it down. The next thing he knew he was panting painfully, eyes filled with hot tears and a figurative knife twisting in his stomach, but he was still himself, and the bite he’d taken had stayed inside him. Someone was holding up his water glass for him. He took it and drank gratefully.

Logically, it wasn’t Bill. It was just nausea. Just nausea. His own body was betraying him, but that was nothing new either, and he was stronger than that. He shoved the fear back before it threatened to drown him again. No need to panic.

Stanley’s hand was on his shoulder, the weight uncomfortable but grounding. Without looking at anyone, Ford wiped his face with a hand, then placed his elbows on the table and leaned his forehead into his palms, closing his eyes and breathing deeply. He resisted the urge to press a hand to his aching stomach, too reluctant to touch the infuriating marks that covered it. His shoulders wouldn’t stop trembling.

“Are you alright, Sixer?” Stanley’s gravelly voice was almost soft.

“Yes,” he replied reflexively. “I’m fine. I’m not in any immediate danger of being possessed or passing out.”

“That’s not really what I was asking for,” Stanley said, his voice still inappropriately worried. “You’ve barely eaten at all, and that kinda sounded like you were gonna throw up.”

“I’m fine,” Ford repeated. His stomach churned unhappily at him, but he wasn’t dying, and he’d survive a while longer on what he’d managed to swallow, surely. He forced himself to look up for a moment to meet Stanley’s eyes.

Stanley’s slitted, yellow-tinted eyes.

Ford stiffened, heart pounding, but it was gone when he blinked. It couldn’t have been there at all. Could it?

“No, you’re not fine.” Stanley grimaced and glanced at the plate of tacos, pinching the bridge of his nose with his free hand. “You need something easier on the stomach, don’t you? I didn’t even think of that; how did I not think of that?”

Ford managed to draw enough air to speak. “It’s fine!”

“No, it’s not!” Stanley let go of Ford and raised his hands in exasperation. “Stop hurting yourself, Sixer!”

Bill had said the exact same words, mocking him, telling him to give up. Stanley didn’t mean it that way, surely not, but something snapped. Ford slammed his fists on the table and pushed himself up, staring at Stanley, ignoring the way his head throbbed at the movement. “Why do you care?” he said, louder than he’d intended. “Why do any of you care?” It struck him anew how none of this made any sense. He couldn’t afford to question it, but could he afford not to? Stanley’s insistence on fixing Ford before fixing the rift. The children’s eagerness to help, not just for the sake of world, but for him.

Stanley’s pose deflated. “Stanford…”

“I’m hurting myself? Bill is in my mind, Stanley! I’ve been doing whatever it takes to fight him! And now you’re—” He stopped, eyes widening with a horrifying possibility. “—you’re undoing it.”

Stanley winced, as if knowing his own guilt.

“You want me to lower my guard, don’t you?” Ford continued, voice hard. “You want me to stop fighting.” Something inside him warned that this didn’t make sense either, it didn’t add up, but nevertheless the possibility was there. Stanley had mocked his work for thirty years. He could be mocking him now, making him believe safety was even possible before ripping it all away again. He slowly took a step backwards, then another.

“Ford, don’t.” Stanley sounded almost pained. “There’s a difference between stopping you from fighting and helping you fight.”

“Is there?” Not if this was all a trick. It wasn’t, he knew it wasn’t, but what if it was? He needed to escape, but there was nowhere to go and all the stakes were right here. All too familiar helplessness started to flood him, and he fought to keep it down like he’d fought the nausea. “Stanley – you pushed me through the portal.” He could have been planning this all along, taking Ford’s life and turning it to a mockery. Bill could have planned this. Family can betray you. Bill knew.

“Stanford, no,” Stanley breathed. “You know I never meant to do that. I’ve regretted that one moment for the last thirty years. You can’t believe I’d do that on purpose.”

“I didn’t believe you’d wreck my science project either!”

“I’m sorry!” Stanley almost screamed, then took a deep breath, slowly unclenching his fists. “Listen to yourself, Poindexter. Why the hot belgian waffle would I want you to sleep and eat and recover if I was going to screw you over? That demon’s messing with you, but you’re smarter than this.”

Was he, though? At some point he’d backed into the stove and now he was half leaning against it with his hands clenched behind his back, acutely aware of the children looking on with wide eyes. Human eyes, as far as he could tell. Stanley was right, Bill was messing with him. Bill would want him to relax and lower his guard, but he wouldn’t want him to recover.

Was that even possible to recover? Was that also a mockery?

“Breathe, Ford!”

He was trying, but his lungs refused to do more than hyperventilate.

“Look, just – he hurt you. I get it. And you had to fight back by hurting yourself, I get it. But you don’t have to do that anymore! Okay? Look at me! You’re not alone anymore.”

Ford finally managed to draw a deeper, shaky breath. “I know,” he panted, and it was only partly a lie. “But why? Why do you—why do you care what happens to me? What does it matter?” That was the sticking point. He wanted to trust Stanley. That’s why he’d sent for him in the first place. But if Bill had taught him anything, it was that things that seemed too good to be true tended not to be.

“You’re—” Stanley bristled, but Ford interrupted him.

“I made my own mistakes! They’re not your responsibility! All I asked you to do was to hide a journal!”

“Yeah,” Stanley said, “And if I’d left and done that you would’ve been dead within days back then! You wouldn’t even tell me what was going on!”

“I would have been dead, but I might have prevented the end of the world and no one else would have had to suffer for my mistakes! Including you!”

Stanley narrowed his eyes. “You’re not even gonna argue about the ‘dead’ part?”

Ford ignored that; it wouldn’t have been worth lamenting, not if he could have ensured the portal and the journals were never used again first. “And then, once I was gone, you had no reason whatsoever to bring me back, and every reason not to. Even now, you keep insisting on helping me over and above dealing with the crack in reality that you caused. Why?”

“I told ya. You’re my brother.”

“That’s not—”

“But you wouldn’t do the same for me.” Stanley looked down and crossed his arms defensively. “That’s fine. I make my own choices.”

Ford glanced at Dipper, remembering what the boy had said this morning. You’re family, that makes it worth it. “I didn’t say I wouldn’t,” he mumbled, finally feeling his shoulders sag and his fists unclench on the stove behind him. He kept his eyes open and focused on remembering how to breathe.

“Whatever.” Stanley shrugged slightly. “Just. Please. I didn’t spend thirty years on that machine just to have you kill yourself as soon as I got you back.”

Ford didn’t have a response to that. It had never been his intent to commit suicide, but he’d accepted that Bill would kill him eventually. That hadn’t changed.

“I’m gonna check if I’ve got some canned soup or something for you.” Stanley turned away and started rummaging through the cupboard that served as pantry. “Give me a few minutes and don’t disappear into thin air, willya.”

Ford didn’t argue, or move. Disappearing into thin air was neither possible – at least not without the portal, and he wasn’t keen on repeating that experience – or likely to help matters in any way. He did wince hard and hiss in pain when Mabel appeared next to him, wrapping her arms around his waist and pressing her head painfully against injuries he’d made sure she knew nothing about.

“Did you sleep alright, at least?” she asked.

“Yes,” he muttered, carefully unwrapping himself from the embrace. “Thanks to you, I did get some rest.”

She smiled, perhaps slightly too wide, too strained – and Ford tensed, but her eyes were normal and he needed to trust that that meant something. “Good!” She looked at him intently. “We’ll fix the rest too, don’t worry!”

“Mabel.” Ford hesitated. She meant it, didn’t she? She meant every word, with even less justification than Stanley had. He drew a deep breath and tried to be rational. “I told you before to stay away from me.”

“And I told you before – nope!” She reached up and poked his nose.

Ford jerked back and didn’t reply. The best he could do was to gently push her aside and leave the kitchen, as if he could leave his own conflicted thoughts and fears behind. He needed to do something useful. The journals. The rift. The bed. He half expected Stanley to try to stop him, but his brother was in the middle of saying something to Dipper and only glanced at him. Mabel, however, followed along – whether on Stanley’s unspoken orders or her own accord was unclear.

He’d only meant to pick up the third journal from the TV chair, but instead he found himself reclining in the chair with the book in his lap, leaning his head back against the cushion and rubbing his temples. It was safe, he reminded himself. He’d had some real rest and wasn’t half unconscious anymore. He wouldn’t hurt anyone by sitting down for a moment, and no one would hurt him, either.

“You know,” Mabel said, bouncing on her toes next to the armrest. “I know you wrote that in the journal, but I need to tell you that trusting no one is stupid. Then you’d be all alone all the time, and that makes people wonky in the head!”

Ford huffed. Yes. He was ‘wonky in the head’. Anyone would be in his position, if you disregarded the fact that no one else would be in his position in the first place. “I know,” he said with a sigh, half hoping that Mabel would go away, half wishing she’d stay and distract him. He took a moment to flip through the journal, confirming that it was still intact, before turning back to the girl. “Do you still have the journal I lent you?” he asked.

“Of course I do!” Mabel said, immediately rushing off to the hallway by the door. “It’s right here in my backpack!” The bag in question lay discarded on the floor under the coat rack, and after a moment of rummaging through it Mabel produced Ford’s first journal. “Do you need it back?”

“Yes.” Stanford got up and took it from her with a curt nod. It seemed no worse for the wear either, through he’d noticed earlier that Journal 1 showed a lot more wear and tear than the other two, presumably because it had been studied by Stanley for decades. His guts clenched for reasons quite unrelated to food at that mental image, but he shrugged it off, stacking Journal 1 with Journal 3 on the crook of his arm.

It wasn’t that he needed the journals himself, exactly, but with everything else going on, he’d momentarily lost track of both of these, and it was a relief to have them accounted for. They were still too dangerous to lose, too dangerous to risk them falling into the wrong hands. The previous hiding places were unsafe, so he’d have to figure something else out soon, but for tonight he��d just put them away in the warded room.

Re-entering the barrier should not have felt as overwhelming as it did. He had to fight down a feverish urge to curl up on the couch and never move again, but he couldn’t allow that, not while his handiwork was still a threat. Mabel was still tailing him, admiring the glowing line along the walls that made up the physical components of the barrier spell while Ford hid the two journals out of sight in the liquor cabinet. He half-consciously noted that all the bottles and flasks were empty, even the ones he hadn’t yet finished yesterday, thirty years ago. Stanley must have drained them, before he boarded the room up.

“Did you know that you and Stan looked really adorable when you were napping before?” Mabel said suddenly.

“Adorable?” Ford repeated, rising to his feet and taking a deep breath, trying to settle the pain in his head and body. He didn’t believe Mabel was using the word condescendingly, but it still sat wrong with him.

“Yes! Like a couple of kittens!”

He stared at her. This should probably be amusing. “I’m a grown man,” he said. “And Stanley is... well, he’s twice my age. Hardly a kitten.”

“Nope, you totally looked like kittens! So cute!” She grinned innocently.

Ford clenched his teeth around a curse. Bill had called him cute, too. ‘Cute’ was struggling against the hold he had allowed Bill to have on him. ‘Cute’ was trying to prevent an apocalypse he himself had instigated. Perhaps ‘cute’ was falling asleep next to his brother and believing that was fine. “I’d rather not be called that,” he said tersely.

Mabel blinked. “But uncle Ford! Kittens are awesome!”

“There’s nothing wrong with kittens,” Ford conceded, shuddering as he left the barrier again and headed back to the living room. He’d find the final journal and the rift itself down in the basement. “It’s a more appropriate appellation for children, though.”

“In that case, you and grunkle Stan must have been extra adorable when you were kids!”

He sighed softly. “Perhaps.” He’d walked right into that one.

“Hey, Ford.” Stanley appeared in the kitchen doorway, eyes flicking from Ford to Mabel and back.

“Don’t worry, grunkle Stan!” Mabel said and slipped her hand into Ford’s as if for emphasis. ”I’ve got this!”

Ford withdrew his hand immediately. So she was here to keep an eye on him, then. As if that would end well for anyone.

“Come here,” Stanley said, reaching around to give Ford a gentle push on the back. “There’s some hot soup for ya now, and then you can go back to sleep or something.”

“Oh. Yes. Soup.” Ford blinked. It was, admittedly, a good idea. He could argue that it wasn’t strictly necessary – he’d be functional for a while longer, especially if he did get all the sleep his body was yearning for. But his body was yearning for nourishment, too, and with safe sleep within his grasp, there was nothing stopping him from eating but his own frailty, and soup would work. It would make him stronger.

The whole situation struck him as absurd in so many ways. The world was liable to end, and Stanley of all people was fussing about making him eat, while a grand niece too old to have been his daughter compared him to a baby cat. He huffed a sound that might have been a helpless laughter. The only part of his current existence that he could still understand was the threat to all reality. But yes, he’d take that soup.

#gravity falls #fanfic #30 seconds later #stanford pines #paranoid ford #in which one good nap doesn't fix five weeks of paranoia and torment #but progress is still made #it writes

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izzyovercoffee · 7 years ago

Text

I have some a lot of thoughts about Cayde-6 and Ikora Rey, but since everyone loves and has talked forever about Cayde, I’ll just stick to Ikora. This is going under a cut because it’s long and kind of rambling. It’s a combination of meta and headcanons, because character interpretations can get kind of nebulous.

Also I wish I recorded this line lmao, but:

"---IKORA, NO! YOU ARE NOT BAILING ON ME AGAIN ... best spicy noodles in the entire city, guaranteed ... That's what I thought."

---overheard radio chatter on the tower, Cayde-6 to Ikora Rey [presumably]

Can I just say their friendship kills me? All of it is fairly subtle subtext, but Cayde knows Ikora well, and Ikora clearly knows Cayde well. They’ve known each other for more than a century (Ikora’s 25-win streak in the Crucible is approx. 125 (126?) years before the events of Destiny 2, and Cayde makes references to her Crucible days often).

When no one in the galaxy, as implied by the dialogue, knew where Ikora was, Cayde didn’t even have to consider. Because he knows her. Zavala, who's worked with Ikora for (I’m assuming) longer than Cayde has, did not have any idea where Ikora could be. Yet Cayde didn't hesitate, at all. He went from all-jokes to immediately somber/sober when he said it. “Io. She’s on Io.”

No doubt, no hesitation. Certainty, and something like ... sadness, I guess, in his voice. At the very least it was jarring in comparison to the lines immediately before it. We don’t even get a segue from the jokes into the answer.

And it’s bugged me that people apparently still believe that Cayde and Ikora are not close, or are not friends---even after that line. I mean, there’s more to it than that, but just that line speaks to more than just knowing someone. There’s an intimacy there that’s required to have that kind of absolute certainty.

Cayde knows Ikora so well he knows exactly where she’d go on a journey to rediscover her sense of self and purpose when the galaxy has gone to hell, and when the world’s fallen to pieces around them. In the face of complete and total disaster and destruction, in the wake of soul-shattering defeat, Cayde knows Ikora well enough to know where she would go to re-center herself---and Io is an extremely personal place for Ikora. It is, essentially, a sacred place that she holds close to the chest, as Ikora is a private person and what Io means to Ikora is deeply personal, and deeply private.

There’s really no way Cayde would know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that Ikora would embark on an impromptu pilgrimage to Io without telling anyone ... unless he knew Ikora on a personal level, beyond casual work acquaintance, even beyond casual friendship---and they do have a foundation that implies a friendship there.

It’s a little frustrating to see people treat Cayde as if he’s forever alone, as if he has almost no friends or is close to next to no one aside from Amanda, and maybe Shiro---when, even as far back as Destiny 1, there was subtext to suggest that Ikora and Cayde were, at the very least, friendly, if not friends, if not, even, good friends.

I think, the biggest issue in misreading Ikora’s interactions with Cayde is just an overall lack of familiarity with Ikora in general. People tend to take understatement at face value, people take very dry, wry, humor at face value, and then miss everything subtly nuanced about her character.

Ikora Rey is clearly a private person. We know next to nothing about her history. We don’t know much about her as a person, which ... honestly, seems right for her character, who keeps private matters, and personal matters, private as a matter of course. But that also makes Ikora hard to read.

Her character doesn't really express herself to the extremes that Cayde, or even Zavala, do---but that doesn’t mean she is expressionless, or emotionless (which I’ve actually seen suggested on this site ... which, yikes lmao, but anyway). She’s a professional---but she also has the capacity for extreme emotions, extreme violence (as we see in Homecoming). If anything, I’d suggest that she works, tirelessly, to keep a cap on her emotions---she talks often of keeping centered, of maintaining balance, and her idle dialogue circles around hearing voices or feeling things, being drawn to far reaches where the Light cannot be found, of being drawn to temptation of darker things.

And what Cayde offers to Ikora is a personality that balances hers.

Cayde is, sometimes, the far opposite to her in personality. Where Ikora seeks to maintain a calm center, Cayde is a wildcard and acts just like it. Where Ikora maintains a somewhat distant professional air, Cayde is casual and overly friendly. Where Ikora is focused inward and is arguably an introvert, Cayde is clearly comfortable socializing and be surrounded by noise, like an extrovert.

They have what’s implied a shared history beyond the Vanguard (the Crucible, which Ikora competed in before she became a Vanguard), and similar backgrounds (preferring the wilderness to people, preferring isolation to the city), and even similar temperament (’"You stand for something immutable and transcendent. Act like it." --- reprimand to a younger Ikora Rey’, though Cayde hasn’t quite grown out of his wisecracking habits while Ikora has, by now).

Ikora “tolerates” Cayde’s jokes, though I would suggest she actually appreciates them---for one, she doesn’t strike me as a person to not comment on something she doesn’t like, and for two, the implication in the linked transcript is “That’s why you’re here, instead of Eris” in Cayde’s response to Ikora. The casual reference to Ikora in the Crucible later in that same strike, and then Ikora rounding off the transcript by suggesting Cayde interact with Eris (who is ... very, very cross and hostile towards Cayde, and Ikora is clearly saying it to get a rise out of him, which is exactly what happens), suggests, to me, an actual friendship between them.

Cayde makes light, but Ikora doesn’t tell him to stop---she subtly reminds him that if she were someone else, she might. He counters that she isn’t, and he’s right.

Here’s another thing: he jokes about how scary she is, all the time, and Ikora’s idle commentary in D2 indicates that this is a thing people don’t joke about, that this is a common barrier towards her (”I’m not that intimidating”). And with the way Ikora actually laughs about being seen as intimidating, as if it’s genuinely funny that she scares people simply by existing, seems to be a running joke that is no longer supported or perpetuated by just Cayde.

Generally, Cayde is presented as a character who might just joke about anything, but these jokes always come from a personal place or point of reference ... and friends joke like this, all the time---especially if this friend of their’s is terrifying to others. Ikora’s certainly self aware enough to know it’s “a thing,” and Cayde’s never been one to miss an opportunity to poke fun at something that everyone else decidedly thinks shouldn’t be poked.

Cayde often makes oblique remarks towards, regarding, or with Ikora, usually joking in some way or lamenting Warlocks “in general” (which we can assume is in reference to how scary Ikora is in combat/was in the Crucible). Cayde references Ikora enough times that I at least noticed a pattern, at least during the main story and idle commentary, and the things he says suggests a familiarity that I've seen most people kinda … either outright disregard or write off as Cayde “just being Cayde.”

But even if Ikora was a superstar that everyone knew about in the Crucible, the way Cayde references those days very casually and all the goddamn time, as if they were yesterday and not in actuality more than a century ago, indicates that, at the very least, he followed her Crucible career very closely (much like how people follow certain MMA fighters, for example). Even more likely, he was either competing with her in the Crucible, or was on the receiving end of her ... very hard won focus. Or maybe both. Maybe he followed her career, and he fought alongside her and against her---and despite the passage of time, she left such an impression on him that he will always slip a comment in, because how can’t he?

But anyway. Her telling him to go talk to Eris is her subtly teasing him (she, genuinely, sounds like she’s trying hard not to laugh when she says: “You should tell her.” There’s so much sheer amusement folded into that one simple line), riffing him like he’s done her, and Cayde responds with the same seriousness Ikora gave him at the start. It’s a nice kind of full-circle moment.

Ikora does, actually, crack jokes from time to time---but it’s in the way she says things, in her tone and the delivery of what she says, that can often send the joke flying over our head. Like she’s laughing, deep down, but for the sake of professionalism she will not actually laugh, but we can hear it in her voice if we would only listen carefully.

She jokes in a few of the Io adventures---cracking an easy-to-miss pun (or play on words?) during a somewhat serious situation with the Taken that has Asher Mir angrily groaning. And I would have missed it, easily, if I wasn’t listening to how she said it.

So then, when she talks to Cayde, as compared to missions on Io with Asher, or in serious cinematic scenes, there’s often subtle string of amusement. She will tease him, if the opportunity presents itself. She will show concern, if she notices something is amiss (”What happened to you on Nessus?” comes to mind---as Ikora doesn’t ask things if she doesn’t want to know, but we’re not privy to that conversation if they have it).

Other things of note: Cayde’s longing for leaving the tower and returning to the wilderness is very likely echoed by Ikora.

Sure, Ikora, now, as a more mature person with responsibilities she takes very seriously, never actually complains out loud---but she spent most of her life alone, in the wilds, exploring the system, and getting into adventures trouble. She chose to spend more of her younger years alone in the wilds, pursuing adventure and exploration, and she’s been very clearly reprimanded in the past for immaturity of some kind. For her to give up that freedom, to be sequestered to the Tower for her duty ... has to feel restricting, or had to have felt that way in the early days after she was assigned the Warlock Vanguard position. She should, and likely does, relate to Cayde in having that itch, or that need, to just go, to leave---but she’s just not the type to complain.

But that’s such a major part of who she is, her history shaped who she’s become, and it’s something of a huge shared quality between her and Cayde.

And tbh it’s unfortunate that this commonality they share is either not known or is completely ignored, simply because she doesn’t complain about it while Cayde is so, so vocal. This is something major that they have in common between them. It takes a certain kind of person to consistently choose the wilderness and to travel alone, and both Cayde and Ikora choose isolation and the wilderness when given the chance.

Add onto that, that both Ikora and Cayde lost someone close to them when they took up the Vanguard position---and in that same moment, also had to give up their freedom of coming and going as they please, the freedom of being able to choose isolation, and the wilds, over people and the city.

And then there’s the idle dialogue I quoted at the start.

They go out to eat together, to the ramen shop---and Cayde convinces her not to back out, not with his agitated disappointment, but by telling her they have the best spicy noodles. He knows what to say to convince her to go out when she maybe doesn’t really want to, he knows she will be persuaded by spicy noodles.

Overheard radio chatter indicates Cayde is very, very familiar with Ikora’s tea habits, and that she will never stop drinking tea.

These are small, small details, but they’re the kind of details one picks up not just when working closely with someone---but when one wants to spend actual, personal time with them, outside of work. The implication is that this isn’t the first time they’ve gone to get ramen together. The implication is that Cayde is so familiar with Ikora’s very specific tea-drinking habits that he’s probably found it annoying, even grating, then maybe endearing, only to probably circle back and find it annoying again. The implication is that Ikora knows how to push Cayde’s buttons and does it only when the perfect opportunity arises. The implication is that they have conversations and often, and when Cayde is trapped in a perpetual Vex loop of total disaster and that might just be the end of Cayde as we know it ... Cayde is thinking about Ikora, and wishing he’d listened closer, and likely wishing he could speak to her again. The implication is that Ikora appreciates the levity Cayde brings to the table, because it is needed.

The implication is that these two balance each other out in ways they both need---Ikora, without Cayde, is too serious. Cayde, without Ikora, is not serious enough. Ikora, without Cayde, doesn’t have enough excuses to go out and relax. Cayde, without Ikora, has a hard time keeping his feet on the ground, has a hard time staying grounded.

And, you know, in all the strikes they oversee together, they work together really well, and they work off each other well.

Plus I suspect Ikora always knows Cayde is up to something, and Cayde knows she knows, and Ikora knows he knows she knows ... but Ikora won’t move to stop him because he usually does, actually, have good plans. Maybe, you know, not the best plans, but they’re the best when no one else has even one. And, anyway, I’m sure those “hypothetically speaking, let’s say if---” conversations between the two of them outside of Zavala’s earshot must be endlessly entertaining. Or, at the very least, interesting.

#Ikora Rey #Cayde 6 #Cayde-6 #destiny 2 #i wish i saw more Ikora content out there tbh since she's SUCH a great and interesting character #alas it is not so #anyway i'll just throw this down since i've been mulling over it for a while #it's very rambly and for that im sorry #izzy plays destiny #g: destiny 2 #izzy talks destiny #i dont have a q tag but i should

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lexyeevee · 7 years ago

Text

Correcting the record

Some people are saying some things again, and I don't really have a masterpost of why those things are off the mark, so here is one. I guess I'll update this if anything else spicy crosses my radar, for ease of linking.

(That doesn't mean to send me new things; I don't need to be kept constantly up to date on the latest hot takes from Breitbart Jr.)

I know this is long, which means most people won't bother to read it. But hey, that means it must be true, right? That's how it works for callouts, so surely it works the same way here.

Foreword

KiwiFarms is a forum that grew out of a wiki dedicated to the sustained stalking and harassment of an autistic trans woman. Their biggest subforum is called "lolcows", referring to the idea that certain people are valued only for the forum's ability to squeeze mockery out of them.

This is the source of much of the scandalous "truth" about glip and myself.

They don't lie, not exactly. Instead, they find a single tweet or sentence somewhere, then concoct a story that fills in the details. That way, they can present the original source as "proof". A casual reader will notice that the source matches their story, and take the story as true. The source doesn't prove the story, but that's a subtle distinction.

Sometimes they'll even claim that the source says something slightly different than it actually does, and still most people won't notice. Maybe the order of sentences gets reversed. Maybe "this will happen" is spun into "I want this to happen". Close enough.

Once they have one reason we're horrible, they can take for granted that we're horrible, which justifies interpreting the next snippet as proving that we're horrible. The more horrible we appear to be, the easier it is to justify digging ever deeper.

They collect mountains of these stories, which makes it very difficult to push back. No matter how many individual tales we respond to, there will always be more. It's actually a well-known poor debating tactic, but it works.

A huge post about how awful someone is looks like a documentary, even though it's carefully constructed to only "report" on things to make the subject look bad. Things we've disproven or apologized for years ago still show up in callouts. Just a few days ago, I saw someone link a post that didn't even exist any more; it had been replaced by an apology. Neither the person who linked it nor the person they linked it to seemed to notice this.

Juicy gossip spreads very quickly, both among people who love gossip and people who genuinely want to do the right thing. Retractions and corrections are boring; nobody spreads those. Besides, if you spread something awful about someone, and it turns out to be false, what does that say about you? Once you've spread gossip, if you want to save face, it's in your best interest to insist the gossip is true — whether it really is or not.

Other people are discouraged from pushing back on our behalf, since that risks attracting the same scrutiny. Besides, if you try to say someone isn't abusive, you may get called an abuse apologist. That makes no sense at all, but it doesn't matter.

And there's no downside to doing any of this. If something false spreads to thousands of people, who's accountable for it? Nobody. You can outright make things up about people and nothing bad will happen to you — but if it's just a misunderstanding, all the better.

Keep all that in mind as you read this.

glip did not refer to autistic people as emotionless robots

Let's start out with a particularly great example of callouts in action. The log screenshot used as "proof" that glip said this about autistic people actually proves it false, because the conversation was:

pk: know what also pk: the section on sociopaths was creepy pk: they’re like emotionless robots

glip/eevee didn't really self-diagnose as autistic

It's weird to be accused both of thinking we're autistic and of insulting autistic people.

But no, not really? We've both observed that lists of symptoms are conspicuously familiar. We don't make any effort to call ourselves autistic, we don't claim to know anything about autism, and our lives haven't changed as a result of this observation.

I don't really get why people care about self-diagnosis anyway. I "self-diagnosed" with ADD before going to a psych who then regular-diagnosed me with ADD and gave me magic brain pills for it.

eevee did not put glip's boobs online

Another good example, though I don't think this ever spread beyond the confines of the forum thread.

I have a public filedump, full of files. One file is called "bewbs.jpg", and unsurprisingly is a photo of some boobs. Someone assumed the photo was of glip's boobs, and so it became truth.

Surprise! It's not. I don't know who's in the photo. It's some image I found online, probably over a decade ago. I don't have the slightest idea why I uploaded it. You can even check out the metadata and see that it was saved from Photoshop 4, which I've never used. Also, Photoshop 5 came out in 1998, when glip was 8, so... prooobably not them.

our cats poop a lot i guess

No, seriously, I've heard this complaint. Our cats do poop a lot, but I'm not really sure what it's supposed to say about us, or what we're supposed to do about it. Corks?

glip is not abusive

The "abusive" label is usually ascribed to a massive callout post by PengoSolvent, but he never said that. He did say "potentially abusive", but left the conclusion up in the air. The difference seems significant.

Oh, and he later recanted, and he's now on good terms with glip. Turns out it was all a series of misunderstandings.

Also, I've been dating glip for nearly a decade now and I'm pretty happy with them, but for some reason, nobody seems to think that counts for anything.

fieldoftheother's level 100 post is bad

Previously.

glip is not trying to get kids to see their porn

I've seen a couple people cite this line from the Discord, claiming it means glip wants 13-year-olds to read forflor:

my legacy will be 13 year olds secretly reading forbiddenflora and realizing they're gay and/or trans

But this was said because people were talking about having themselves been young teenagers who secretly looked at porn and realized they were gay or trans. It was a tongue-in-cheek observation: teenagers will look at porn one way or another, and if they read forflor, its themes may very well jostle some realizations.

I've also been told that glip must want everyone who reads the main comic to also read the porn, because they put character development in the porn. But if that were the case, why would they have the sites separate in the first place? How would anyone even know there's porn, just from reading the main site? The only place that even comes close to linking is in a heavily-disclaimered blurb at the bottom of a few character profiles, on the volunteer-edited wiki, which neither of us even knew about until someone told me in response to this very post. This makes no sense as a master scheme.

The truth is much more mundane: glip feels attached to their characters and likes to make comics with character development.

It is true that glip doesn't care if teenagers seek out their porn. I don't care either? We're not your parents, and we have no way of stopping determined horny teens anyway. It's tagged and separated so people who don't want to see it don't have to, but if you're trying to seek out porn then that's your own business. Just, uh, please don't try to talk to us about it, that's super weird.

glip drew a porn comic with an underage character, but...

This is true. They later took the comic down, and they've since talked about how it was a way of wrangling with their own experiences with CSA.

glip is not transphobic

I think people say glip is transphobic because their comic has a girl with a dick who doesn't hate her dick?

Well, er, newsflash: not all trans girls hate their dicks? It seems like this complaint is implying glip should only depict stereotypical self-hating trans characters, and I don't really understand how that's any kind of improvement.

Ironically, I've seen this claimed multiple times by people who refer to glip with the wrong pronoun.

glip's irc does not prey on children

Someone we knew as spaggledagger claimed that people hit strongly on her on our IRC, despite knowing that she was only 13 and had never had any kind of sexual interaction. She also claimed to have gone to the police and asked them some details.

I've been over this before, but the short version is:

She never mentioned she was 13 until the day she left the IRC for good (because of alleged ageism on our part — she'd invited a friend and the two of them were being incredibly disruptive). On the contrary, she made frequent reference to drinking and having had sex, so by all accounts she presented herself as an adult.

The thing she says the police told her is technobabble. It makes no sense at all.

We cannot find any shred of evidence of the conversations she says she had. However, we did find one thing she claimed was said to her — it was in public, and wasn't directed at her at all.

She mentioned having lied to get an ex-boyfriend in trouble. We also got a message from the moderator of another small community who'd interacted with her before, warning us that she tried to get back at them for banning her by claiming elsewhere that she'd been abused.

She claimed to be paranoid because we mentioned living near her, but she told us where she lived, after someone else in the channel mentioned living in the same area. We've never lived anywhere near either of them.

So this was someone with (by her own admission!) a history of lying to screw over older people, who never told us her age, who supposedly got incomprehensible advice from police, and whose few concrete details were completely wrong.

This particular claim appears to be a total fabrication. To get back at us for not wanting her friend around, I guess?

eevee does not support legalizing child porn

I once read an article that argued for it, and I said "I'm not sure I disagree" — referring to the argument, which was that outlawing a photo of one particular kind of crime was inconsistent. I'm bothered by inconsistency, but obviously it wasn't right to just legalize child porn, therefore the argument must be wrong. So I thought about it out loud.

That's why I also asked someone why a photo of a particular type of crime should be illegal. It wasn't rhetorical; I genuinely wanted to know what the other person thought about the inconsistency.

I wasn't especially clear about this at the time, and it didn't occur to me that my lazy phrasing could be taken as active support for abolishing the law. It was also pretty insensitive to treat a serious topic like debate club — especially one that almost certainly had impacted some of my audience. I know I upset a couple people, and I'm sorry for that.

The tweets have since been dug up and transformed via a game of telephone to "supports legalizing child porn", "has talked extensively about legalizing child porn", and straight up "is a pedophile". Sorry, no. I just like nitpicking, and I made a very poor choice of thing to nitpick.

I've also tweeted about this before.

eevee is not trying to help kids to look at porn

In a FurAffinity journal from 2009, I played armchair lawyer over FA's handling of minors and their access to porn. FA had (and, I assume, still has?) a policy that if an admin finds out a user is underage, their account will be prevented from seeing porn — "agelocked" — until they turn 18. This was usually said to be for legal reasons. I was saying there weren't any legal reasons.

The claim is thus that I wanted teenagers to look at porn for some kind of nefarious reasons. I don't know what those reasons could be? I didn't even draw porn at the time, so it's not like I was trying to lure anybody in or whatever. My actual motives were much more mundane:

I like nitpicking. See above.

I'd seen a few cases where people had done some very invasive snooping to find someone's age. I thought that kind of near-stalking — especially targeted at someone already suspected to be underage — was pretty creepy, and I saw the policy as encouraging it.

glip had been drawing porn since they were 16, mostly in the form of commissions, and at one point had been agelocked. They were 19 when I made the post, so it was still relatively fresh in my mind, and I was annoyed that the policy had landed squarely on glip's main source of income.

(That said, FA is a rickety thing, and I don't think they'd ever tried to agelock a porn artist before. I believe the result was that glip could still post porn, but then not see their own work. I don't know if that was ever fixed.)

eevee did not let her cat die rather than give him medicine

I heard this one second-hand so I don't know exactly what's being said, but regardless I am fucking livid about it. It boils down to a sentence from my old tumblr:

given that atenolol’s most common side effect is lethargy and styx already spends most of his time asleep i don’t think i’m going to do this

My cat, Styx, started rapidly losing weight around the beginning of April. I spent the next month and several thousand dollars being shuttled between vets, trying to find a cause. At one point I was sent to a cardiologist, who — shockingly — diagnosed him with a heart condition.

He was prescribed atenolol, a beta blocker and the usual treatment for the heart condition. I was hesitant to give it to him, since also on the table was FIP — a disease with no cure and a life expectancy measured in days. Beta blockers can cause lethargy, Styx was already sleeping most of the time, and I didn't want to cost him his last few waking hours for no reason.

I decided to wait a few days for the vet's formal diagnosis. What I got was the post linked above, saying the most likely cause was FIP; the heart condition wasn't even on the list. So, yes, I decided against the vet's recommendation, and did not give him the medication for the condition he probably didn't have that wouldn't have affected him until years later anyway. There was never any indication that the atenolol would've helped his FIP in any way; I interpreted the vet's advice as being just in case he had the heart condition instead.

A week later, the vet finally started talking about looking into experimental treatments for FIP — a full ten days after the first mention of a disease that can kill cats in as much time.

Four days after that, we buried the cat I loved. He'd just been sitting in pools of his own diarrhea — the same thing that had ultimately led a vet to recommend we put down our elderly cat.

That month was by far the worst thing I've ever been through. I did everything I could think to do, burned through cash, spent every waking moment with him, and it wasn't enough. I still can't reread his eulogy; it's the only thing that makes me cry.

Extremely cool that some jerks who are desperate for a reason to hate me are now trying to use my dead cat against me.

eevee/glip are not... usually... mean online

It's not uncommon to see people calling us super mean based on a tweet thread that they've carefully cropped to remove the part where the other person was being an asshole. Maybe check for that first.

We get enough assholery that we have fairly low bars for who qualifies as an asshole, too, so there might be false positives. If that's you, ah, sorry. We try our best!

But also, it's common for someone to be a dick while feigning politeness, and we tend to have little patience for that, whereas other people have seemingly infinite patience for it. If you see us snapping for seemingly no reason, we probably got a very different read off of someone.

Final thoughts

I'm sure there's more, but hopefully this is enough that you're starting to suspect a pattern. Most of what we're called out for is wildly misinterpreted or misreported just enough to be damning.

These are people who misgender us and use glip's old name, then call us transphobic in the same breath. They follow our every public move with bated breath, while being largely anonymous or sockpuppets themselves. They show up as one of the top referrers every time I publish a game on itch. They've dug up a comment I made on a friend's LiveJournal from 2004 and implied nefarious explanations. They archived the entire "styx" tag on my old Tumblr, meaning they read everything I went through and their only takeaway was some new "dirt". They've taken the worst things that have ever happened to both glip and I, and used them as blunt weapons to say we're awful. They put this crap in the Tumblr floraverse tag, inflicting it on people who just want to share fanart. They hide in our IRC and our Discord, waiting for new logs they can post and reinterpret. Only completely locked-down spaces are safe from their obsessive eyes, and they openly speculate about what happens behind closed doors as well.

Does this sound like a reasonable way to behave? If a single person acted this way towards someone else, anyone would be rightly horrified — this is straight up stalking. But people reblog their callouts and never question their tactics. I guess stalking is okay if we "deserve" it, and we deserve it because we're awful, and you know we're awful thanks to the stalking.

Here's my question: if they know all their existing stuff is true, why do they keep looking? Ostensibly they believe that we're both proven to be complete monsters, so what else are they hoping to find? Do you think I accidentally tweeted a confession to a murder? Does my old MySpace contain the plans for an orbital superlaser?

Or look at it this way: who have we hurt in the however many years this has been going on? Where are all the actual victims of our cruelty? Who has been protected by this muckraking, and from what?

They have no interest in what's true, only in what's titillating. It's right there in the name of the forum: "lolcows", not "investigative journalism".

And, hey. If you want to hate us for actual reasons, please go ahead. I'm thoughtless and insensitive at times, and I'm bad at maintaining friendships. glip is short with anyone who appears to be acting in bad faith. We both fuck up sometimes. If any of that has put you off, fine. If you think we're insufficiently horrified by the idea of a 17-year-old somewhere sneakily looking at a drawing of a boob, sure, hate us for that too.

But don't make stuff up to fulfill your power fantasy of defending the world from a cartoon villain. Yeah, you — I'm sure a bunch of Kiwi folks are eating up every word of this post simply because I've written it. Hot tip: the first thing to enter your brain is not automatically the truth. How cruel are you being if you're wrong?

#screaming into the void #floraverse

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anneedmonds · 6 years ago

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The Classic Red Lip: A New Way To Wear It

Here’s the classic red lip but with a new way to wear it. Which makes it the un-classic red lip, I suppose. It’s soft and diffused, the edges are patted down and blurry – it’s easier and more wearable than the traditional hard-edged, punchy red lip but still vibrant enough to make it a total show-stopper.

A bonus fact; this look is great for people who can’t ever get their lip-line right. You blur out those edges ever so slightly and suddenly the fact that you can’t even see the edge of your bottom lip, never mind put lip-liner on it, seems to matter that bit less.

I’ve used a marvellous matte lipstick, here – it’s the Joli Rouge Velvet in Spicy Chilli from Clarins. An orange-red that’s fiery enough to look modern and punchy but not so yellow in undertone that it makes your teeth look like they’ve been stolen from the Natural History Museum.

The Joli Rouge Velvet lipsticks are very well pigmented and – as the name suggests – velvety matte in finish. But they really come into their own when you start patting at them – the smooth, creamy formula becomes almost powder-like and soft, but without any of the obvious problems that applying a powder to your lips might present.

Talking about pressing powders to your lips; do you remember the Chanel Poudres a Levres from the Neapolis collection? That had a balm and then a pigment powder to press on over the top – I loved it for the novelty and the ritual and the beautiful kissed-off finish, though I must admit that I barely used it after my initial testing spate.

This patted-down powder lip has a bolder, more striking finish – it’s proper lipstick, distressed at the edges. It’s perfection made imperfect. Wilful destruction. Takes ten seconds but – I think, at least – gives everything a bit of a relaxed vibe.

(links marked * are affiliate links, for more info see disclaimer below post)

How to do it? I’m almost embarrassed to write it out, because it’ll highlight the fact that I’ve just done a whole post on patting your finger over your lipstick, but that really is about it. I line (Max Factor liner in Red Rush is excellent, find it here*) and then I pat over the line to smudge it in.

Then I apply the lipstick straight from the bullet, usually – a lip brush seems to lay it on too precisely. (Although I do have to say that with bright colours such as this one, if you are incredibly clumsy then perhaps a brush is a good idea. We want “softly smudged”, not “applied during a power cut whilst three sheets to the wind”.) Then pat-pat-pat with your fingertip, carefully and gently – the middle one is best but I rarely use it to apply makeup when I’m filming because it looks as though I’m gesticulating at people in an insulting manner. So habit means that I use the ring finger, but middle is best. More control.

And that is it – just a delicate feathering of the edges, a blurring of the lines. Made possible by the great texture of the Joli Rouge Velvet from Clarins – I have many matte red lipsticks, but most of them won’t pat out as wonderfully as this one. I realise that softening out the edges of your lipstick isn’t revolutionary but in the current makeup climate of overdone flawlessness, I think that this look makes a nice change. Thoughts?

I’ll pre-empt the question as to why you’d put on lip-liner just to blend it in (why not skip it altogether?); if you’re anything like me, with gradually failing eyesight and an unsteady hand, you need that sketched in line to get your lipstick in remotely the right place. It’s a bit like having someone point you in the general direction of the donkey when you’re pinning the tail on – every little helps.

You can find Spicy Chilli at Escentual here* – it’s £19.35. I did a makeup tutorial using this lipstick – the video is here, if you want to see it in action. (Please be aware before you watch that the video contains a fashion advertorial for Boden.)

The post The Classic Red Lip: A New Way To Wear It appeared first on A Model Recommends.

The Classic Red Lip: A New Way To Wear It was first posted on November 12, 2018 at 8:54 pm. ©2018 "A Model Recommends". Use of this feed is for personal non-commercial use only. If you are not reading this article in your feed reader, then the site is guilty of copyright infringement. Please contact me at [email protected] The Classic Red Lip: A New Way To Wear It published first on https://medium.com/@SkinAlley

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nique-clare · 6 years ago

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Melbourne, Australia

18 August 2018 - 25 August 2018

Azrie and I booked a flight to Melbourne early May this year. Agreeing to go overseas together was impromptu (what could go wrong going on a trip with your best friend?) but we did plan when it came to our flights, accommodation, and places we were to visit. We intended to visit our friends who are studying there as well as to have an overseas trip together before his internship started. I’ve always wanted to study in Australia – and migrate there, if I ever have the opportunity to – but that didn’t happen of course, so travelling there was enough to make me excited. Besides, the last time I went Down Under was in 2004 and I barely have any recollection of it. I went to Gold Coast and Brisbane, I think. I only remember feeding parrots, going to the beach, and an amusement park. But I digress. Here’s what we did in Australia last week.

18 August, Saturday

We met at Changi Airport somewhere between 9 - 9.30am, and did some window shopping after we checked in and entered the transit area. We were due for take off at 11am, but our flight was delayed till about an hour later. Nonetheless, I was more than happy to be leaving Singapore. As we flew with Scoot, we had to rely on ourselves for entertainment throughout the flight. Even though I slept around 3.30am and woke up at 7am, I could barely nap on the plane. We ended up watching a couple of episodes of Elementary that I downloaded on Netflix while eating our lunch on board and sneaked in naps here and there. As I’m a sucker for nature, I couldn’t help but be mesmerised by the sunset towards the end of our flight. Here’s one of the many pictures that I took.

Once we reached Melbourne, we had a few issues with our Visas but that was quickly resolved, and we went to the pick up point to meet Chavin. It was about 7ºC outside, I think, and it was raining and windy. After what seemed like an eternity of trying to locate his car in the cold, we set off to get a late dinner and picked Gloria up. We then dropped by the Coles supermarket across his apartment to get my SIM card before walking back to enjoy our steaming hot and spicy Mala goodness. Even though we booked our own Airbnb apartment, we stayed over his place that night.

19 August, Sunday

Our initial plan was for me to attend mass in a nearby church while Azrie checked into our Airbnb before we went to Phillip Island. Unfortunately, I overslept (Sorry God) so I ended up going to our apartment with Azrie as Chavin and Gloria waited for us downstairs. We had to retrieve our key from a convenience store across the road but we went to the wrong one instead (the one beside our building’s entrance). We had to drag our luggage in the rain but on the bright side, we met a little sweetheart whom I guess belongs to one of the staff.

I didn’t take any pictures but here’s the link for our Airbnb (below’s the view from our apartment, though). It was so cozy and the view was beautiful. I wouldn’t mind staying there again when I visit Melbourne in the future. I’ll be back for sure hahaha. After unpacking our luggage, we met with Chavin and Gloria again before picking Syahmi up. We finally set off for Phillip Island around noon. We stopped by a gas station on the way, and the foodie side of me got a little excited when I saw that they had a mini bakery in the attached convenience store, as well as pre-made hot drinks (basically the powder was provided, all you had to do was pour hot water in). We were soon back on the road and reached the island approximately an hour later.

We had our lunch straightaway as we missed the pelican feeding session, and had a mini feast of fish and chips at Fisherman’s Wharf. We fed our leftovers to the seagulls and headed to the Koala Conservation Centre after dropping by the beach. Despite not being able to fulfil my dream of carrying a koala, we did get to see several of them and even managed to stand less than a mere metre away from one. Part of the centre was also closed, but we managed to see wallabies and exotic looking birds (to me at least) along the main path, so I still enjoyed myself regardless.

As we didn’t intend to spend the night on the island, we had to hurry to our next destination – the Penguin Parade. The weather became colder and slightly unbearable as the sky turned dark, but waiting for the penguins to emerge from the icy waters was worth it as we were treated to several groups of them waddling for almost a good half an hour. Some of their slightly erratic behaviours gave us a good laugh now and then, contributing to their already adorable appearances.

We left before it became too late, and set off for our dinner location, YOMG Mornington, possibly because I asked Chavin if there were any good burger shacks around (foodie in me, once again). The eatery was in a town that seemed deserted and quiet (then again, it was already 9pm), not unlike the areas we passed through to get there. As if the darkness was not eerie enough, we listened to conspiracy theories and unsolved crimes/mysteries on the way. About YOMG Mornington, to put it simply, the food was amazing. We pretty much ate the same type of burgers (the Yo My with Cheese and the Kingsway) and shared the Chilli Cheese and Nacho Curly Fries as well. We had yogurt afterwards, which comprised a couple of unique flavours and toppings which weren’t really to my liking, but still worth trying. The ambience was also rather lovely and quaint and I wished that we could have stayed there a little while longer. The drive back to Melbourne took about an hour so we left shortly after our late dinner.

20 August, Monday – 21 August, Tuesday

The next two days were hellish, to say the least. To spare the details, Azrie and I were down with norovirus, or in other words, the winter vomiting bug. Azrie started displaying symptoms in the morning on Monday and me, on Tuesday. I either got it from him and or we got it from our lunch on Sunday (we ordered grilled fish while the rest had theirs battered – none of them fell sick). We spent both days in the apartment with nausea, stomach pains, and fever, and had to make trips to the clinic. We spent quite a bit on Uber these two days, but we were too sick to walk anywhere, except for that one trip to the ubiquitous Chemist Warehouse in a nearby town (Errol Street, I think) to get our medicine. Unlike Singapore, the clinics in Australia don’t have pharmacies attached to them. On a positive note, we managed to visit the Melbourne Observatory at night on Monday and attended a tour that lasted from 8 - 9.30pm. We were learned about the history of the site and were also fortunate to be able to view Jupiter from a large – floor to ceiling high! – telescope.

22 August, Wednesday

We were well enough to travel around on Wednesday despite our lack of appetites. We walked for half an hour to our recommended-by-Chavin lunch location, Universal Restaurant on Lygon Street. Azrie had the Chicken Parmigiana and Fried Chicken (basically meatballs) while I had the Marinara pasta. The weather was relatively warmer then so we enjoyed our lunch al fresco.

After barely finishing half of what we ordered – kudos to the norovirus – we went to the Old Melbourne Gaol, which ceased its operations in 1994. We had a slight taste of what it was like to be arrested in a tour of the City Watch House, before proceeding to the jail connected to it. I’ve always been interested in history and culture and I truly enjoyed the two hours we spent there. Though it was already closed, we walked to the Federation Square afterwards to appreciate its architecture (but stopped by the State Library of Victoria before that). We then strolled along the Yarra River beside the Federation Square.

The Winter Night Market at the Queen Victoria Market opens on Wednesday nights from 5pm - 10pm only, so we decided to have our dinner there. We rested for a while at our Airbnb after visiting the Old Melbourne Gaol before walking over to the market at 8pm. The atmosphere was surprisingly lively as there was a live band and other activities such as the silent disco and what seemed like a machine operated puppet show. There were many seemingly tantalising menus available and I wish that I had my appetite then. Azrie bought a cajun chicken and rice set and we shared a chicken skewer. After walking around a little more (and after I purchased a gorgeous pair of $35 light teal coloured crystal and tassel earrings – yes, it was worth it), we had a Nutella and peanut butter sundae. We met up with Chavin and Gloria, and Chavin came over to our apartment afterwards. We watched the endlessly nonsensical but otherwise entertaining The Interview before heading to bed.

23 August, Thursday

As usual, we skipped breakfast and went straight for brunch instead. We ate at an Indonesian restaurant along Lygon Street (I can’t seem to find it on Google. I think it’s new). Azrie ordered rice with chicken and I had noodles with chicken, and we shared a dish of sambal kang kong. The avocado shake I ordered was sweet and refreshing.

We walked to the National Gallery of Victoria after that. We saw a myriad of artworks in various exhibitions, and I wouldn’t mind going there again. We didn’t get to go to the Museum of Modern Art exhibition as we didn’t have much time left before meeting Chavin to get food for our barbecue dinner, but it’s definitely on my bucket list – should I ever visit New York City.

We walked to the Coles across Chavin’s after that, and dropped by the Spencer Outlet Centre en route. We didn’t buy anything as we didn’t have time, but we returned there on Saturday anyway. About the barbecue – there was smoke in his area for some reason. We waited for it to die down – and for Syahmi, Gloria, Caroline, and Natalie to arrive – and finally commenced our barbecue. We had a great night of scrumptious food, talking, and rounds of Exploding Kittens. Chavin drove us back to our Airbnb after all the fun.

24 August, Friday

Azrie, Chavin and I embarked on a day road trip to the Grampians, which took approximately three hours to reach by driving. I can’t emphasise enough how amazing Australia is, and one reason is because of our simple yet tasty lunch: two boxes of 24-piece nuggets for $10/box (!!!). I digress once again. I can’t help it, I’m a foodie. We were treated to beautiful sceneries on the way, and here’s one of the views that I captured.

As if I wasn’t already in awe of the nature that surrounded us, the Grampians took my breath away again. As I mentioned in my previous post, I don’t particularly favour cities and prefer nature instead. The Grampians was just that. We stopped by an information centre to ask for potential sites to head to, and bought ice cream before going back to Chavin’s car. Within seconds of boarding, we caught sight of a field filled with kangaroos, and of course we stopped the car. We stayed for about 15 minutes and carried on with our journey.

We decided to visit the Mackenzie Falls, Lake Wartook, and the Reeds Lookout (during sunset). No words can describe the beauty of these places, and I’m still in awe. My favourite place was Lake Wartook. We also saw an emu on the way.

We left before it got too dark and drove to our dinner location, The Red Door Pizzeria. The three of us shared two pizzas: the Authentic Peking Duck and Shredded Beef and Mushroom. Dinner, like the rest of the meals we had in the country, was absolutely delectable. We headed back after our meal after our bellies were filled. On a side note, we didn’t exactly get to go stargazing on this trip as we planned to, but we managed to get clear views of the starry night sky to and fro The Red Door Pizzeria. We picked Gloria up on the way back to our Airbnb and played a few rounds of Exploding Kittens before calling it a night.

25 August, Saturday

Our last day was spent shopping at the Direct Factory Outlets South Wharf. We checked out of our Airbnb and left our luggage at Chavin’s first thing in the morning. We took about 15 minutes to walk to the outlets after that. Before shopping, we had brunch at Citizen Cafe Bar, an eatery just outside the building. Azrie had pancakes with ice cream while I had Free Range Eggs Anyway, which was scrambled eggs on sourdough toast. I also had a bliss ball to go, which was a little snack ball coated in coconut and comprised cacao, nuts, and jam, I think. After a few hours of shopping, I got a few pieces of clothing – a Fila tank top and crop top and a Lorna Jane sports bra and mesh tights – while Azrie got a pair of Fila socks, alongside other gifts for our friends back in Singapore. On the way back to Chavin’s – yes, we walked again – we took photos at a 1970s classic photo booth. We were unprepared the first time, so we ended up taking another set of photos. We spotted a comic book store, All Star Comics, after that and popped in for a while before resuming our journey.

That’s it for our Melbourne trip! It was really dreadful having to return to Singapore knowing that we could have visited more places if we didn’t fall sick, plus my new semester was to begin the day after touching down. Nevertheless, I had a great time in such a beautiful country with perfect company. I’m definitely going to visit Australia again, and possibly explore the other states too.

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sherristockman · 7 years ago

Link

More Proof Heartburn Products Are Dangerous Dr. Mercola By Dr. Mercola Heartburn is a common condition and estimated to affect nearly 60 million Americans at least once a month.1 The pain is often described as sharp and burning, sometimes behind the breastbone and other times moving around the neck or throat. A Norwegian research team2 reported the incidence of people who experienced acid reflux at least once a week had increased by nearly 50 percent in the decade leading up to 2009.3 Occasional heartburn is not uncommon, but when the pain occurs frequently, or interferes with your daily routine, it may have become chronic heartburn.4 Your symptoms may be the result of a problem with your lower esophageal sphincter (LES) located between the stomach and esophagus. Normally, this sphincter keeps stomach acid in your stomach, only opening when you're swallowing or to let you belch.5 When your LES allows gastric acid to rise into your esophagus you experience the symptoms of heartburn, since the lining of your esophagus is not designed to withstand the acidic pH of stomach acid. With continued exposure to acid, the cells in the esophagus begin to adapt and become more like cells found in your small intestines.6 This is called Barrett's Esophagus and is a condition that increases your risk of developing esophageal cancer. Previous research has found people taking a heartburn medication called proton pump inhibitors (PPIs), and who had infections with Helicobacter pylori (H. pylori), associated with the development of stomach ulcers, had a greater chance of developing cellular changes linked to stomach cancer.7 In recent research, scientists have now determined people taking PPIs, even after the infection had cleared, had a greater potential for developing stomach cancer as compared to those who were never infected.8 PPIs May Increase Your Risk of Cancer Researchers from University College London and The University of Hong Kong found the risk of developing stomach cancer more than doubled when an individual took PPIs. To factor the potential role the infection plays in the development of stomach cancer, the researchers compared the use of PPIs to reduce acid reflux against people treated with triple therapy to kill H. pylori and then with H2 receptor antagonists such as Pepcid, Tagamet or Zantac.9 Conventional medicine accepted triple therapy as the first line of defense against H. pylori in 2006. It consists of two antibiotics and a PPI to reduce acid secretion.10 On average, the patients in the study were monitored for 7.5 years, until they developed cancer, died or the study completed. During this time, taking PPIs was associated with double the risk of developing stomach cancer, while taking an H2 antagonist was not linked to an increased risk. Additionally, the researchers found those who took PPIs every day had close to four times the risk of stomach cancer, compared to those who took the drug once a week.11 Dr. Wai Keung Leung, professor of gastroenterology at the University of Hong Kong, cautioned:12 "While PPIs are one of the most commonly used medications for treating reflux disease as well as dyspepsia, clinicians should exercise caution when prescribing long-term PPIs, even to patients who have H. pylori eradicated." According to the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, nearly two-thirds of the world population are infected with the gram-negative bacterium, H. pylori,13 but not all exhibit signs of the infection. This infection is believed to be the major cause of peptic ulcer disease and gastritis worldwide. PPIs may be prescribed for the treatment of heartburn symptoms, without the presence of peptic ulcers. PPIs are also now available over-the-counter without a prescription, increasing the risk that using the medication long-term may increase your risk of stomach cancer. Heartburn may also be triggered by specific foods or mechanical challenges. These include:14 Overeating Obesity Pregnancy Spicy food Peppermint Tomato Citrus fruit Garlic and onion Chocolate Coffee Alcohol How Do PPIs Work? PPIs are a class of drug designed to inhibit the proton pump in your cells and reduce the amount of acid produced. They are among the most widely prescribed medications, ranking as the ninth most prescribed drug in 201515 with $14 billion in annual sales.16 However, PPIs are not specific to stomach cells and stomach acid is not usually the primary trigger in chronic heartburn. Any cell in your body that produces acid uses a proton pump. This means that PPIs will inhibit the production of acid in all cells and not just those in your stomach. Scientists at Stanford University and Houston Methodist Hospital in Texas believe this may be the trigger behind the variety of dangerous side effects associated with PPIs.17 In effect, this hampers the ability of the cells to clear waste products and thus speeds damage and aging. Cells use acid to clear end products of metabolism. When this acid is not present, a buildup of toxins results, which may lead to the development of significant health conditions.18 Dr. John Cooke, chair of cardiovascular disease research at Houston Methodist, calls this a "smoking gun."19 While PPIs reduce the amount of stomach acid produced throughout the day, it is not excess acid that is the cause of heartburn. Physiologically, the opposite is more often true. Low acid production may lead to bacterial overgrowth in the stomach. This results in changes in digestion of carbohydrates, producing gas. Consistent gas buildup in your stomach increases pressure on your LES, weakening the sphincter and releasing acid into your esophagus and creating the symptoms of heartburn. Long-acting drugs such as PPIs may actually increase your risk of heartburn over time and often lead to greater rebound heartburn when you stop taking the drug.20 Early Testing Found PPI Promoted Gastric Cancer Although the recent study has found an association between PPIs and stomach cancer, with or without infection with H. pylori, initial studies in 1985 on omeprazole (Prilosec),21 demonstrated an increased risk of gastric cancers in a rat model. In this study, female rats had a higher risk potential than males. At the time, this discovery generated some concern regarding the safety and delayed the development and approval of the drug.22 One developing pharmaceutical company, Astra, convinced regulatory authorities to continue with human studies, while two competing companies, Glaxo and SmithKline & French,23 stopped their PPI drug development programs as their tests also demonstrated a risk of gastric cancer in animal models. Scientists determined prolonged therapy with PPIs led to hypergastrinemia, an excess amount of gastrin in the blood. This resulted in hyperplasia of enterochromaffin-like cells, an increased risk factor for gastric cancer.24 This hyperplasia was found in up to 30 percent of chronic users, especially prevalent in those infected with H. pylori. Digestion Requires Acid Digestion begins in your mouth and ends at your rectum. As food is broken into smaller pieces while you chew, it mixes with saliva, travels down your esophagus and into your stomach. Once in your stomach, it mixes with hydrochloric acid, which is required to break down food particles from which your small intestines can extract nutrients. In other words, stomach acid is necessary for digestion. When you reduce the amount of stomach acid using PPIs, you increase your risk of heartburn, gastroesophageal reflux (GERD) and chronic indigestion. You may use a simple test at home to determine if your stomach acid levels are low, giving you the information needed to develop a natural plan to address your chronic pain. This will give you a rough indication of how much acid you produce. Mix a teaspoon of baking soda in 8 ounces of cold water and drink it in the morning before eating or drinking anything else. The mixture of baking soda and hydrochloric acid in your stomach forms carbon dioxide gas, causing you to belch. Time yourself for up to five minutes to determine how long it takes for gas to form. If you belch in two to three minutes, you likely produce adequate amounts of acid; earlier and repeated belching indicates excess acid. If you don't belch in the first five minutes, you likely don't produce enough acid. PPIs Associated With Other Health Risks as Well Hydrochloric acid and pepsin in your stomach are necessary to break down proteins for nutrient absorption. A reduction in acid formation reduces this absorption, increasing your potential for dysbiosis, an imbalance in your gut microbiome. Without the acid, proteins may ferment in your gut, becoming food for pathogens such as Clostridium difficile (C. difficile), Candida and H. pylori. This overgrowth can lead to leaky gut. Secondary effects from leaky gut include difficulty losing weight, increasing neurological disorders and allergies. Results from a recent study suggests those taking long-term acid suppressing medications such as PPIs have a higher risk of developing intestinal infections from C. difficile and Campylobacter.25 Although both infections can trigger abdominal pain and diarrhea, C. difficile may be more dangerous and is associated with morbidity and rising health care costs. A rise in numbers of individuals diagnosed with chronic kidney disease (CKD) in past years may be attributed to the increasing numbers using PPIs to treat acid reflux. Researchers have found the rise is faster than would be expected from known risk factors, such as high blood pressure or Type 2 diabetes.26 The authors note the increased risk of CKD was associated with PPI use and not the underlying cause of heartburn. H2 receptor antagonists did not show a similar association. A large study carried out at Stanford University found those taking PPIs had a higher risk of experiencing a heart attack.27 And, a recent study from Washington University shows long-term use of PPIs carries an increased risk of death from any cause.28 The researchers examined medical records of 275,000 PPI and 75,000 H2 antagonist users. Senior author, Dr. Ziyad Al-Aly, commented on the results, saying, "No matter how we sliced and diced the data from this large data set, we saw the same thing: There's an increased risk of death among PPI users." The use of PPIs is also associated with other health risks, including a reduced absorption of nutrients such as magnesium and vitamin B12, decreased resistance to infection and increased bone fractures. How to Properly Wean From PPIs In this short video I give you strategies you can use to reduce or eliminate your use of PPIs, and natural ways to reduce your pain and discomfort. Although PPIs do reduce heartburn in the short term, they also cause a rebound effect when you stop suddenly and increase your risk of other health conditions. If you have been using PPIs, it is important you NEVER stop cold turkey, but spend time allowing your body to detoxify and eliminate the drug from your system. To minimize the risk of rebound acid effects, gradually reduce the dose of PPI you are taking to the lowest dose where you begin experiencing heartburn. Next, begin substituting over-the-counter H2 blockers, such as Zantac, Ranidtine, Tagamet or Cimetidine. Once you have been off the PPI medication and taking the H2 blocker for several weeks, you can start weaning from these drugs as well. While you're reducing your PPI dose, you'll want to introduce alternatives and make changes to your lifestyle choices that may also help reduce the potential you experience heartburn. Effective alternatives to treat heartburn include: Nourish your gut microbiome Eating high-quality, organic and unprocessed vegetables may help restore your natural gastric balance and function. Regular consumption of fermented foods help balance your gut microbiome, which can help eliminate H. pylori bacteria naturally. Reducing your net carbohydrate intake to 50 grams or less each day may also help to balance your gut microbiome by reducing the nutrient source for non-beneficial bacteria. Add acid Although it may seem counterintuitive, heartburn is often triggered by low acid production. Drinking 3 teaspoons of raw, unfiltered apple cider vinegar in 6 to 8 ounces of fresh water before each meal may help digestion and reduce post-meal heartburn. For a list of other alternatives that may help promote acid production see my previous article, 15 Natural Remedies for the Treatment of Acid Reflux. Sauerkraut or cabbage juice may stimulate the production of stomach acid and provide you with valuable bacteria to help balance your gut. Work with gravity Heartburn tends to get worse during the night and right after you lie down. Staying upright or seated for at least three hours after eating may reduce your risk of heartburn. Some find relief by elevating the head of the bed using blocks sold for that purpose so the bed doesn't slip and cause injury. Avoid stacking pillows as this may increase pressure on your LES triggering heartburn and cause poor alignment of your neck and spine. Ginger root tea Ginger root tea has traditionally been used against gastric disturbances as the gastroprotective effect comes from blocking acid and suppressing H. pylori. You can make tea by simmering three slices of raw ginger root in 2 cups of water for 30 minutes. Drinking the tea 20 minutes before your meal may help prevent heartburn from developing. Avoid tight-fitting clothing Tight clothing increases pressure on your LES and increases the risk of an acid leak into your esophagus. Maintain a healthy weight Excess weight around your middle increases excess pressure on your LES. Even losing 15 pounds can make a positive difference in the symptoms you experience. Avoid your triggers Some experience food allergies or triggers that increase your risk of heartburn. Consider eliminating caffeine, alcohol and nicotine products and track the foods that increase your personal risk. It may take time to determine your triggers, but it is well worth the effort. Organic coconut oil Coconut oil has antibacterial effects and helps reduce overgrowth of bacteria in your stomach. The oil also helps to soothe your esophagus on the way down and is a healthy fat that helps protect your health. Consider starting with 1 teaspoon to see how your body responds. Common side effects include a headache and slight nausea. Gradually work up to 3 tablespoons a day for your best results. You may also try adding 1 tablespoon to a cup of tea or coffee.

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easyfoodnetwork · 4 years ago

Text

The Meaning of Chuseok During a Pandemic Year

James Park/Eater

During the pandemic, the whole world has been considering what the Korean holiday means — whether they realize it or not

“Ajumma said she dropped something off,” my mother texts from work. “Check outside.” I do and soon hold a box heavy with gotgam, dried persimmons, before the sun has fully risen. Throughout the spring and summer this year, we’ve received deliveries from my mother’s friends’ (my ajummas) gardens, allowing us to stretch our grocery shopping to monthly runs while we enjoyed squash, green onions, chile peppers, tomatoes, a legion of kkaennip, and chives, tangled together in their wild length. These persimmons, though, are store-bought. I take one gotgam, the fruit condensed and caught in a honeyed state, and eat it in small and slow bites. I’m enjoying it too much to realize my mother’s and my resolve for a small Chuseok meal have been compromised.

Chuseok, often described as the Korean Thanksgiving, was on October 1 this year; celebrations usually last three days, depending on when the holiday falls on the lunar calendar. There’s a great showing and sharing of traditional dishes, and it’s a major government holiday where families gather at home to celebrate together. But charye, memorial rites for ancestors, is intrinsic to Chuseok, and it’s what makes this celebration of harvest distinct from the American holiday. Graves and other memorial sites are cleaned. Incense is lit. The names of the dead are written on white hanji that’s burned, and then the dead are presented with a table set with food and drink, and their descendants bow to them. The ancestors eat the food first and then share the offering back, so that it can be enjoyed and finished by their family.

Charye is an acknowledgement that the dead exist, and that they deserve care and recognition for how they influence our current life. I think of it as a process of inventory. What we continue to hold and what we’ve gained is closely tied to the work of those who came before us, who first provided the means of our lives. Charye honors a debt of gratitude for all that we have. It’s a reckoning to the security that comes with our abundance — who do we owe and how shall we pay them?

This year, framed by the havoc of 200,000 COVID-19 deaths, “abundance” has taken on a different meaning.

But this year, framed by the havoc of 200,000 COVID-19 deaths in the U.S., certainly undercounted, and a likely surge of deaths to return this winter, “abundance” has taken on a different meaning. I find an abundance of caution the most grating term in our 2020 lexicon: It’s a phrase rooted in the good of bounty and its possibilities, and is now used to refer to the violent scales of economy of those affected by the pandemic. Behind “abundance” is the posture of those who can wield the word in its power: I have resources. I have options. I can afford to wait or act when it’s convenient for me.

Like many Koreans, my mother and I accepted that Chuseok would have to be different this year. We live together, and enforce our quarantine rigorously. In our usual celebration of the holiday, we would have family over at the house, and the ajummas would visit to drop off gifts (of more food) and join our meal, which we would cook and eat from all day. This year, we thought about making a variety of jeon and delivering them to the ajummas and our nearby family, but the idea of cold jeon was just a sad reminder of how we couldn’t celebrate and eat well together. We decided on restraint, with the hope for a Chuseok feast in the future, and settled on cooking just two kinds of favorite jeon: gamjajeon, made from grated potato that’s held together by its natural starch, and dongguerangtaeng, a meatball my mother likes with squid and ground pork and beef. It seemed like a reasonable amount of food for the two of us while also feeling festive enough.

But when we received the gift of gotgam, we decided to also make sujeonggwa, a chilled punch of preserved fruit, boiled ginger, and cinnamon; it would be easy to share and deliver. When my mother was growing up in Busan, sujeonggwa was something rich families drank year round, but she would have it only on Chuseok, and only a small teacup of it. She still prefers to serve it as a small single serving because anything more ruins the indulgence. This year we reveled at the prospect of everyone receiving our gift of punch in large deli containers as if it were as common and necessary as broth.

That’s the plan, we said. Good, we both said. Agreed. Then we went to the Korean grocery store. I didn’t bring in a shopping cart because we only needed young ginger for sujeonggwa, but then my mother saw four perfect Napa cabbages. She carried them in a hug against her stomach. “We have to get these,” she said, handing me two to carry. And then chestnuts, ginkgo nuts, and pearled barley. And then a surprise: live female blue crabs. I went to get a cart. When I returned, my mother had the crabs ready in a brown paper bag and a can of Spam — the lynchpin to a full Chuseok spread. “Oh my god,” I said, taking the Spam gently into my hands. “So we’re just doing it?” My mother gave me a little “Mm” before racing over to examine the store’s selection of potatoes.

This is what we made for Chuseok, ultimately deciding to prepare food to share like we always did: cod saengseonjeon, each pan-fried with a neat, decorative snip of minari; gogijeon, thin slices of rib-eye in a heavy egg dip and covered in a confetti of spicy chiles; dongguerantaeng topped with rounds of zucchini or stuffed into jalapenos or cooked simply as meatballs; baechujeon, the prettiest leaves of the Napa cabbages lightly fried to retain some of the cabbage’s core crunch; galbijiim, beef short ribs with radish, ginkgo nuts, chestnuts, carrots, and potatoes, all generously dusted with gochugaru before a thoughtful braise; eomuk, fishcake on skewers with each roll stuffed with a slice of chile or an elegant cube of Spam; gamjajeon; sanjeok, a rainbow skewer of imitation crab, green onions, danmuji, and more Spam; kkotgetang, a crab stew green with floating chrysanthemum; and finally, the sujeonggwa. My mother toasted walnuts and pine nuts to stuff each gotgam, slicing the fruit on a bias to reveal an aromatic center, and letting them sink to the bottom of a large stainless-steel bowl we usually use for making kimchi. Every dish was driven by an impulse to reap and share the store’s best offerings, and the anticipation of sharing everything created an appetite we hadn’t felt in months.

When I was a kid, watching the bowl of sujeonggwa disappear into individual cups felt as ceremonious as bowing before our ancestors and elders, intentioned as taking communion in church. Chuseok is a celebration of genealogy as much as it is a celebration of harvest; the two are compatible if not nearly identical under the holiday’s traditional lens.

The anticipation of sharing everything created an appetite we hadn’t felt in months.

The merging of these two concepts reminds me of an approach to narrative-based medicine, which, as doctor and literary scholar Dr. Rita Charon writes, calls “the body the portal to the self.” Like Chusoek, that thinking considers our bodies part of a larger legacy; we’re all linked to each other through our ability to recognize what we share and live through together. Our quarantines, hyper visible in our Zoom rooms, in our social media posts, in our entertainment and news, have only heightened that connection. (In Charon’s narrative-based medicine practice, literary analysis and creative writing become training tools for clinicians, so they can better give their patients “the assurance that one is... still recognizable as a self despite a dramatic shift in the body.” It’s an effective, assistive approach that can also be used to treat those who have been affected by COVID-19.)

But I think about this often in relation to this season: how Chuseok acknowledges that we are bodies that come from bodies, and that the connection demands both attentive regard and maintenance. The act of charye is not religious, and while many faiths do their version of the ceremony, I’ve always been taken with how simply it serves as a reminder that we are who we are by the way we treat the people in our lives.

Under normal circumstances, my family’s Chuseok celebrations are mostly focused on the food and gathering aspects — but still, we’re hit with the realization that those we love could one day be a name before an altar of food we set. But now, with COVID-19, the entire world has been doing this thinking for almost a year, or tragically living through it. We are in a demented Chuseok-like season where we think of famine and hunger under our claims of harvest, where we think of sickness and death for the vitality of our health and lives. With coronavirus, the bodies, their stories, are abundant.

In March, my mother was one of many hourly wage workers suddenly recognized as essential. As a woman in her early 60s with diabetes and a history of stress-induced asthma, the early months of the pandemic were peaks of panic and exhaustion for every 12-hour shift my mother put on the clock. By May, we were blunted into the monotony of our anxieties. I stopped having panic attacks every time my mother left for work. We stopped asking ourselves how we could continue living like this because the answer was always in some mileage of what else?

As a nation, we haven’t begun to set the charye table, and I doubt whatever offering we could possibly give at this point to show what we owe. When my mother and I returned home with our groceries, we accepted the reality that we’d be delivering a less-than-perfect cold jeon; we did it anyway, even though it didn’t feel like it was enough.

On Chuseok, as my mother and I cooked happily and divided all the food into containers (and then Ziploc bags when we ran out of containers), we’d make the same joke. “We’re rich,” my mother said every time she poured more oil into the pan. “We’re rich,” I said when I cracked more eggs. “We’re rich,” we said in unison as we looked at all the food we packed to give away. After months of pandemic living, we still find it hard to enjoy our meals without feeling guilty, especially when faced with an excess of our own making. But this felt like relief, like a long exhale for a breath we didn’t know we were holding. It felt right. Chuseok, too, is a kind of new year for my mother and her emigration from Korea. I think for many Korean Americans, the tenor of Chuseok’s guide to remembrance expands to their or their family’s immigrant experiences. To account for the struggles it takes to make a life here, to account for what it means to survive here, is to remember a kind of body.

Before I left to deliver the food — face mask on the entire time — my mother poured us each a small serving of sujeonggwa. We toasted. After I drank mine, I studied the emptiness of my teacup and felt grateful.

Nina Yun is a writer based in Kansas City, Missouri.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/2GNoNXk https://ift.tt/34FghBR

James Park/Eater

During the pandemic, the whole world has been considering what the Korean holiday means — whether they realize it or not

This year, framed by the havoc of 200,000 COVID-19 deaths, “abundance” has taken on a different meaning.

The anticipation of sharing everything created an appetite we hadn’t felt in months.

Nina Yun is a writer based in Kansas City, Missouri.

from Eater - All https://ift.tt/2GNoNXk via Blogger https://ift.tt/3nxKfjO

#Blogger #cooking #Eater #food #recipes

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