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tr-as-hr-at · 5 years

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So I kinda just accepted that my mom isnt a kind woman I believed her to be. I've been in denial for so many yrs. . . She's mentally scarred me. She constantly guilt tripping and berating me. Yelling at me even though she knows I cant handle being yelled at and them makin me feel bad about crying and then turns around and cries herself. She's smacked me multiple times, punched me, choked me, etc.

She knows I have depression, she knows I used to be suicidal. I nearly killed myself in middle school, all bc she kept on berating me and makin me overly stressed and saying she wished I was never born bc I fucked up her life. She puts on a facade for those who dont live under her roof. But once they're gone she go off about something. I'm literally terrified whenever I hear her stomping and yelling, I nearly had a panic attack and asthma attack, my anxiety spikes whenever she's mad.

Bc I fear that she's gonna go after me next. That I did something wrong even tho I kno I didnt do anything wrong. She looks for my faults, looks for something she can use against me. O that assignment I turned in late? That bad, I deserve to be yelled at and berated for. That F I have? I deserve to be yelled at and berated for. I forgot about my chores and took a nap bc I hardly got any sleep last might bc my insomnia? I deserve to be punished.

There is no winning. I'm that lazy disrespectful daughter she has that is the reason for all of her problems. I dont even identify as female. I go by He/Him and They/Them. I've told her this. She complains about how many guy friends I have and how they have too much sex(only 2 of them actually have sex often and they're in relationships) and about how I'm gonna end up like that, despite knowing I'm asexual.

She complains about so many things and how she has to do everything but she hardly does anything. I do more than she does and she's home more often than I am. She's on her phone more than I am! She complains about me not being outside more often. So I started hanging out w/ my friends more. But I need to be home by 4. I can't have my friends over w/out tellin her who it is first.

Didnt believe me when I told her that one of my friends, who is a cis female, is a female until she saw her. Dosent believe that I have insomnia. Hasnt bought me a new inhaler, which I need or I could die bc my asthma has gotten way more severe, even though my old one expired at the end of my Freshman yr. I struggle to breath alot now. And ik this sounds like I'm complaining rn, and I kinda am, but I rly need med to get this off my chest bc one of my friends(not u @kenneth-ray, u were big help in calming me down) tried to tell me that my mom might not mean wut she says. But she never apologizes.

She always expects us to be able handle these harsh words and actions from her, despite 3 of my siblings being in elementary school and us 2 older one r nearly adults(she targets me more than the others so I've stuck to just staying out of the way and trying to be invisible and forgotten). And ya, she's not mentally well. But that isn't an excuse to abuse ur children and tell them that u wish they were never born and that it's their fault that she acts the way she acts.

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