#not sure if we should be proud or just ashamed that I'm slacking

[tofangirlonly]

15, 20, 33, 40 👀

15. personality description

I tried to outsource and all I got was “I’m assuming ‘jeremy jordan’ is not the answer here?” so I may no longer have a discernable personality. XD

Hmm. I’d say I’m introverted and also quiet and awkward unless I’m super comfortable and then I’m (sometimes) louder but still very awkward it just hopefully becomes more endearingly quirky at some point XD I go into things whole-heartedly and passionately and feel all the things deeply.

Friends have previously said kind and caring and thoughtful and that I have a soft, gentle heart and spirit (which are beautiful things I may or may not still be).

20. what is your favourite song at the moment?

You are getting Very *at the moment* because I’m terrible at decisions and (as you know) I am looping Jeremy singing At Last excessively right now so: I love him.

I also listened to Not Jeremy today (shocking) and spent a good chunk of time listening to From This One Place by Sara Groves because my heart needed it.

33. something you want to learn

I started needlefelting a little bit a few months ago? I would like to continue learning and playing around with that. Sometimes you need an outlet for socially acceptable stabbing.

I was making a chipmunk and then Chloe got ahold of him…….She likes sheep and also apparently just the wool. She shredded his head. I still have his accompanying little tree stump with a cute little leaf and mushroom though XD

(I have also threatened to collect Chloe’s undercoat chunks during Intense Shedding Time and needlefelt a tiny model of her so. Learning goals.)

40. favourite memory

I was thinking a lot about two specific recurring childhood memories while these questions were marinating so I’m going to go with:

Laying on the bottom bunk at bedtime finding shapes in the wood of the top bunk with Mom

and

Waking up hearing my parents talking across the hall and the low rumble of Dad’s voice trying to talk quietly while I was still asleep. Especially because it’s specifically associated with Sunday mornings when Dad wasn’t going to work super early and often mixed with the extra bustle of them getting things ready on days when we were going to visit my grandma and it captures all the warmth and excitement and anticipation of that

Both remind me of a time of feeling so warm and safe and loved and I need that a lot these days.

[levbug]

𝐏𝐑𝐄-𝐆𝐀𝐌𝐄 𝐉𝐈𝐓𝐓𝐄𝐑𝐒 — 𝐠𝐨𝐬𝐡𝐢𝐤𝐢 𝐭.

#pairings ー  goshiki tsutomu x gender neutral! reader

#warnings ー second year! goshiki, self-doubt, panic attacks, swearing (courtesy of shirabu)

#wc ー 1.7k

the first match of the year was always important to the players of shiratorizawa. to some, it signified the starting of something new and exciting, a journey to make the shiratorizawa team better than they were previously. to remind others that they were still a powerhouse school, despite past losses. to others, it meant proving yourself as the player you wanted to be.

goshiki was torn between both categories. he wanted to carry his team as a strong ace (preferably deemed stronger than his predecessor) and with pride. he wanted to be reliable. the backbone of the team. the one everyone could count on when they were in a pinch.

but how could he do that when he had been reduced to a sobbing, shaking mess?

he was surrounded by his teammates, who were trying to calm him down. the second and third years were fussing over him, trying to hype him up while the shy first years stood quietly to the side, pitying their senior. however, the encouraging words of goshiki's teammates fell on deaf ears as his breathing only quickened.

"shit," shirabu cursed under his breath, standing up from his squatting position in front of goshiki. he knew exactly how the young ace was feeling since he had been made captain after all the third years left. still, he was level-headed enough to not have a panic attack just 30 minutes before their first game of the year.

"somebody find (last name)!" his order spurred the stagnant first years, who were waiting on the tips of their toes to be allowed to help their much-respected senior. one of them (shirabu wasn't too familiar with the players who weren't in the starting roster) nodded and immediately left the locker room to find the said person.

"i've tried everything," kawanishi muttered, toying with the tape he had on his fingers. shirabu sighed. "are you sure (last name) can calm the guy down?"

shirabu nodded, his nervous ticks coming out. he anxiously checked at his nail beds, teeth almost cutting through the skin. "let's just hope they can."

just as the words left his mouth, the door slammed open. all eyes were on the entryway, startled by the sudden entrance.

"i'm here! where is he?" your eyes searched for your boyfriend, who you had been told was getting some pre-game jitters. no one had been given a chance to respond to your question because once your gaze landed on the cluster of boys who were surrounding a bench, you made a beeline for them.

shirabu and kawanishi silently thanked all the deities that they believed in, just thankful that you were finally here. "let's give them some privacy." the shorter male nudged his friend, who immediately got the message. kawanishi silently gestured for the rest of the team to follow him and shirabu out of the locker room.

you and goshiki barely noticed the other boys leaving the room—you were too focused on fussing over the shaking boy.

"tsutomu? focus on my voice, love," you ordered softly, holding his trembling hands between yours. goshiki sniffled, muttering a string of incoherent words as his grip on your fingers tightened. "it's okay, tsu. i'm here now."

you wrapped your arms around his neck. he buried his face in the crook of your neck, unaware of the tears and snot staining your clothes. you didn't care though, you only held him tighter. "wanna tell me what's on your mind?" your voice was soft, not wanting to force him into telling you if he didn't want to.

goshiki lifted his head, eyes red and glassy. you brought a hand up to caress his flushed cheeks, a small frown on your face. "i-i...i'm not—" he started to say, but started sobbing again. you waited for him to calm down, muttering reassuring words and telling him he shouldn't have to worry now because it was just him and you. after a few moments, he was able to level his breathing. "i just—what if i'm n-not as good as ushijima?"

his voice cracked at the last syllable, clearly ashamed to admit this. "oh, tsutomu..." you sighed, resting your forehead on his shoulder. you couldn't see it, but you knew goshiki's lip was starting to tremble. "you don't need to feel that way. you know you don't need to compare yourself to him."

"i kn-know!" he hiccuped. "it's j-just that...what if—what if i'm not a-as dependable?" he asked, head hanging low. "i-if we didn't win against karasunoー" he clenched his fists "ーeven with ushijima, what makes you think we can win with me as the ace? i'm nowhere near as skilled as he is, even if i keep boasting about it..." he sighed. his tone had become sombre and the air surrounding you two became thicker.

tears sprang into your own eyes as he voiced his worries. the anxiety and pressure goshiki had been feeling in the days leading up to this point must have been a great amount. and to think that he must have been hiding all this from you for the past few days (weeks? months? you weren't even sure). 'he must have been so scared,' you thought.

"i'm sorry, tsutomu!" you apologized, surprising the boy seated before you. goshiki snapped out of his thoughts, head tilted slightly in confusion. "i'm sorry you felt like you had to keep all of these thoughts to yourself!" you bunched up the material of his jersey between your hands. goshiki tried to take your hands in his, but you wouldn't budge. instead, you stared him straight in the eye, gaze unrelenting. "but please, please know that you should never feel that way! ushijima may have been a strong player, but he got there because of his will to learn and improve. tsutomu, everyone has doubts about their talents or skills. everyone has that time in their life when they don't know if they're good enough. the only difference is whether or not you want to use that as a chance to improve or give up completely!"

tears were now flowing freely down your cheeks. goshiki stared at you, slack-jawed and eyes wide. "and i don't care which you choose, because i will always be with you. no matter what. and that's a promise." your voice wavered at the end of your sentence, too overwhelmed by your feelings.

goshiki barely felt the fresh round of tears rolling down his cheeks, but this time they were for a different reason. a cheeky smile tugged on the corners of his lips. "do you mean that? you'll always be with me?" he poked your cheek, clearly in a better mood now.

you wiped your tears, laughing breathlessly at his words. "is that what you got from my speech?" he laughed as well, eyes twinkling delightedly when you placed a soft peck on his knuckles. "but since you're wondering, yeah. i plan to spend my entire life with you, whether you want it or not!"

goshiki grinned, peppering your face with small kisses. you squealed at him to stop, and he did (but not without one last chaste kiss on your lips). he smiled at you, eyes filled with love and admiration. goshiki had never felt this feeling before, but he was glad that he felt that way for you.

"thank you, (first name)," he muttered into your hair. the strands tickled him softly when you nestled deeper into the embrace. "i needed to hear that." he whispered. you smiled, intertwining your fingers with his: your hand, just as always, fit perfectly with his.

"it's no biggie, love." you kissed his cheek, giggling when he turned a light shade of red. you sat with him a few moments more, just enjoying the peace and solidarity with your boyfriend. it wasn't until the faint cheering of the crowd outside did you realize that goshiki would miss his game if he didn't leave now. "tsutomu! what are you doing, just sitting around? you have a match in less than five minutes!"

"right, right!" goshiki scrambled to his feet, taking you with him. his tears had long ago dried, the glassy shine replaced by usual fire that burned within him.

he led you to the doorway, bouncing on the balls of his feet with an expectant look on his face. you smiled, knowing he was waiting for. "good luck out there, ace." you moved to kiss his cheek. feeling cheeky, goshiki tilted his head so you would kiss his mouth instead. you gasped in surprise, but melted into the kiss.

goshiki pulled away with a soft sigh, his hand cupping your cheek gently. "i love you." he whispered. you felt your cheeks heat up at the sincerity of his words. "i love you, too." goshiki beamed at you. his smile was infectious and you soon found yourself reciprocating it.

neither of you noticed the squeaking of rubber soles on the linoleum floor. one of goshiki's teammates rounded the corner, stopping abruptly when he saw the position that you and goshiki were in. "a-ah, sorry to disrupt you!" he quickly averted his eyes, not wanting to ruin the intimate moment any further. "c-coach washijo told me to tell you that the match will be starting soon."

you and goshiki parted from each other, wearing small, sheepish smiles. the ace scratched his head, a low, embarrassed chuckle slipping past his lips. "right," goshiki nodded at the first year, who bowed once more in apology before scampering away. "i'll see you later, yeah?"

you nodded, giving him a tight-lipped smile. "do your best out there, okay? no more of that self-doubt stuff. promise?" you held your pinky out to him. he chuckled before linking his pinky finger with yours.

"i promise," he grinned. a faint shout of his name from around the corner snapped you both out of your little bubble and goshiki finally let go of you. "i've got to go now," he said sadly. "but promise you'll keep your eyes on me the entire time?" he asked, eyes twinkling. you nodded, murmuring a soft 'yeah,' in response. "good! i'll see you after the game. i promise to make you proud!"

and with one last kiss on your head, goshiki left. you watched his receding figure with a dazed grin, butterflies erupting in your stomach just like they did when you had first met him.

"you always make me proud, tsutomu."

[itoshit]

I think I've never been that ready to break some skulls before. I took more weapons than usual, having two on my hips, two others on my thighs and finally, two again in my shoulder straps. I've never been a huge fan of knives, but still got one joining the strap on my leg.

Ran and Rindou were ready, Ran still had his unfamous baton. The others, Kakucho, Koko, Sanzu and Akashi, had guns like I did, ready to pull them out if needed.

Looking over Dante and his men, I noticed the same thing. But one of them looked particularly heavily armed.

Hey Dante, he's your sniper isn't he?

Yeah, we always bring one with us, someone who could change the course of our lives from afar. Also Manjiro, if I can call you that?

Nodding, I got inside the van, him sitting by my side.

Perfecto then. La Cosa Nostra bases its values and morals on their allies. Back in Osaka, I didn't intend to kill you nor severely hurt you. I hope it didn't bring too many inconveniences yeah?

Nothing I'm not used to. But I appreciate your help and concern though

Did you change your hair for your girl?

Cocking an eyebrow at him, I stayed silent.

My girl?

She is, isn't it? Look, I wanted to talk to you last time but I needed to check your strength before. We have minutes ahead so listen to me. In our family (note: the term family refers to the mafia here), women play an important role, and I'm not talking about their pussy. In La Cosa Nostra, we're not ashamed of parading with our girls, our wives. Some of us even have children, like me. I don't understand since when being with a woman in the underground scene made you look weak. Women give you strength, something to fight for. I don't know you very much, but I know how to spot an enamoured man. You're deep into it Manjiro. We have nothing but genuine intentions with Bonten, and we want our allies to be healthy and happy. If I could give you a piece of advice, when your girl will be freed, and I'm saying your girl because she's not a bitch or an animal, tell her how you feel. Life is short as the falling of snow, you could die tomorrow. Don't live with regrets buddy, that's the worst, trust me. Cherish the moments you've with her alright?

After his monologue, Dante smiled cheekily at me, patting my thigh. He wasn't wrong, I knew that. I knew that I'd feelings for Vee, but I was afraid she didn't. I let her enter my life and warm my heart of stone, and it could seem selfish but I didn't want to let her go, never.

You don't have to he ashamed of having feelings for a woman, or a man if that mattered. Partners influence our decisions on a daily basis, and without women in La Cosa Nostra, let me tell you, it would be a mess. They keep us on tracks, scold us when needed. My wife, showing me his ring right after, is my everything. She keeps me sane, Manjiro.

My men were in the other cars and only Dante and I, except our driver, were here.

I don't want to bring her in this life, she doesn't need more-

Sorry to break it to you buddy, but she's already deep enough. Her face is all over the news, you must have seen that yeah? Nodding at him, I kept my gaze on the window.

Then you know, the best thing you can do now is protect her from your world, by staying by her side. That way, these events won't occur ever again. The Yamaguchi-gumi is pulling a nasty move right now. Ones of our few rules are; never look at friends wives; respect wives. The Yamaguchi-gumi disregarded all of them.

Venus isn't my wife.

But you want her to be yours don't you?

Silence settling between us, I tried to imagine myself with her, having a future together.

Do you see a future with her ?

... yes

Here you go. When she'll be saved, you'll have to present her to me, the kitten seems feisty enough to make you go crazy for her

Smiling a bit at his words, I took a decision. As soon as this shit is over, Vee will move in with me. Officially this time. And I won't prevent her from having her life, I'll give her the freedom she wants and needs.

My phone vibrating into my pocket, I took it out. Vee?

But what I heard after made my blood boil. She was screaming, begging me to come and save her. Eyes opened wide at the sound playing in the car, I gripped the phone tightlty, breaking it in the process. Gritting my teeth, I lowered my face down, nails tearing the skin of my palms open.

I'm gonna kill them all, I swear to god, these bastards will regret the day they were born.

Dante's hand on my shoulder, I turned to him.

We'll get them. No one touches our wives, remember? You even dyed your hair to please her. They'll pay for it, no worries Manjiro.

And that's precisely when we arrived. Opening the van's door, I was met with my executives. Ran and Sanzu had a wicked smile on their faces. These two will probably have fun.

Destroy them. I don't want any of them alive at the end of the day. I don't fucking care how you process, break their neck, pierce their eyes, rip their bodies apart or burn them to hell, I want blood. Understood?

And as I gave them my orders, they bowed.

Your wish is our command, boss.

-Mikey

I've changed the presentation, it's easier to understand that way 😌

it’s so nice!

The pain had me passing out, waking up only from the slaps my torturer, who so generously told me to call him Koda gave me. I’d wake up, see the handle of the knife sticking out of my bloody, trembling thigh, get woozy and faint.

This time when I woke up, I didn’t even get to follow the routine established between us because Koda was in my face, gripping my cheeks roughly. It hurt from all his prior roughness, his finger edging closely to the lip he had split. C’mon, Vee. You know I don’t want to hurt you. Just tell me what you know. I’ll even let you go.

I knew nothing, just like I told him every time he asked, but since he wanted a different reaction, I’d give it to him. Nodding my head, I watched his face slack into a grin as he let mine go, granting me free rein to speak and move my head. The first thing I did with it was cock my head far back and send it slamming into his own, head butting the shit out of him. The impact made my vision blur for a bit, but the sickening crack I heard made it all worth it.

Venus, I corrected, spitting blood onto his now-bleeding nose. I might have broken it. It’s Venus to you, you piece of shit.

You stupid bi— Gunshots. An entire slew of them. Natalie burst into the room, body slick with sweat, eyes wide and nervous.

They’re here! Bonten’s here! My heart leaped. Mikey? They found out about our hideout much earlier than we expected them to! The sound of rapid fire rounds echoed around us, each one sounding closer than the last. If they kept that up, they’d be in this room in no time. The thought of Mikey raining hell down on their skulls made me much happier than I thought it would. They deserved it. I hope they got it. My cackle, sudden and wheezy, startled both Nat and Koda.

I stared Natalie dead in my eyes as I calmed down. You should run, I advised her. She had endangered my life twice, and although I would probably have little say in what happens to her now—she’d burnt too many bridges; Mikey wouldn’t hesitate to put a hole in her skull— so the least I could give her was a head start. You might be able to get out of here if you run now, because if Mikey gets his hands on you… I don’t even allow myself the pleasure of blinking as I speak, wanting my words to resonate deeply with her. So much so that even if she survived, she’d see my face. He will kill you, and I won’t be able to stop him. And you know the worst part, Nat? I don’t think I’ll want to.

The fear in her eyes was palpable like it was that day in the hideout, but I had no sympathy left to offer her. I also could have told her what Koda told me, let her know she’d done this all in vain, but I didn’t, allowing her to walk out of the door and my life for what just might be the very last time.

So, Koda, I turned my head back to look at him pacing. What’s the move? You gonna run too?

Somebody else came flying through the room as I asked him, an underling of his perhaps, yelling the same question I had just asked him in more or less words and a much louder volume. They’re coming, Koda! We have to go!

A certain bang made even me jump. It sounded like it was just around the corner from us.

What’re you gonna do, Koda?

I’m gonna fucking kill you, he snarled, putting the cold nozzle of a gun he yanked from his pocket to my head.

I tried to hide my dread with fearlessness. I don’t mind that, you’ll be coming to keep me company wherever I end up in five minutes. Maybe less.

I could hear the gun clicking as he turned off the safety, eyes level with me. I was about to die, and the funniest part was I wasn’t afraid. Perhaps I knew deep down that even if I did, I’d be avenged. That nobody who tortured me or sought to hurt me would leave this place with their lives or their limbs perfectly in tact. I don’t know what kind of person that made me, but with this gun to my brain, I don’t think I’d have much time to ponder it.

Mikey flashed in my head, my last memories with him. I didn’t even get to kiss him goodbye. I’d have to add that to my never ending list of regrets, not telling him how much he had come to mean to me in such a short time. That he mattered, that he wasn’t cursed. That he deserved to be happy.

A small smile came across my face as our memories played out in my mind. We had come so far, and I was proud of it. If it all came down to it, I lived an overall good life with some really big lows. Pretty alright for me.

Kill them, Manji, is the last wish I made to myself mentally, making sure it got out before my brain matter was splattered across the wall. Kill them all.