#not really but i remain selfconscious

[sleepsucks]

[lassieposting]

Fletcher for therapy please

Oh Fletcher would do great in therapy. Like, 10/10 client good job

It'd take him several years - and probably some prompting from Ghastly, whose opinion he respects - to get him to realise he should really go, largely because he's surrounded by a social circle that isn't very open to the concept.

When we meet Fletcher, he's a hurting teenage boy who badly wants approval from a role model. And while he does eventually get some good solid advice (as well as time and empathy) from Ghastly, that's only after he splits up with Val and feels like he has nowhere else to turn. Prior to this, he actually spends several years fruitlessly trying to win that approval from Skug. Which is a problem, because Skug isn't in the market for a surrogate son. He sees Fletcher primarily as a rival for Val's attention and secondarily as a nuisance, which leads to a situation where Fletcher is consistently trying to impress him and getting knocked back. And we see that Fletch remains selfconscious about Skug's opinion of him for years after he gives up trying to bond - he makes two really obvious attempts to reestablish their relationship on an even footing and remove himself from that subordinate clinger-on role (i.e. shaking hands as adults); he clearly expresses that he's not thought of or treated as part of the team; he knows he's Mickey to Skug's Doctor and Val's Rose. He's the tin dog.

And that's the thing: from what we see of Fletcher, he's actually very introspective. When he speaks to Ghastly, he's clearly done a lot of thinking about why and how his life has ended up the way it has. And he's done that all on his own, because who's going to listen to him?

So like. He's not going to ask Skug and Val to recommend a therapist. He knows exactly how they'd react. Skug is an incredibly macho manly man - Special Forces, law enforcement, and from a time before anyone knew or acknowledged that mental health was a thing - so he's fiercely adamant that he, traumatized as he is, doesn't need therapy (ha) and he's openly dismissive of the concept to Val. He'd laugh, or take the piss, or make a shitty little comment, and Val would laugh along with him because that's what they do.

But approval from Ghastly - who's equally macho, equally manly, but far more well adjusted - gives him the confidence to start thinking about it. And then after Moira tries to kill him, he actually makes an appointment.

A lot of Fletcher's issues come down to trust and abandonment. He has no dad. His mom died on him. He's been used and undervalued by Val and Skug and the rest of the gang for years. Val cheated on him. Reflectionie died on him as well. This is a boy for whom nobody has ever stuck around long term. A boy nobody has ever prioritised. And he has to learn to work through the negative impact that has on self-worth and self-esteem, and learn to stop Yes Man-ing Valkyrie and her friends and prioritise himself. And he wants a more normal life - Lardo makes him teach for some reason, I keep him with the Monster Hunters. So that means distancing himself from his ex and the people in her circle, even though he feels like they're all he has. He knows he'll never get to have that more normal life while he's hanging out with people who seem to attract trouble in various eldritch and evil forms. He has to learn boundaries - how to make and defend them. He has to learn to stop being drawn to girls he wants to save, and start looking for partners who are as mature and invested as he is. He has to completely relearn how to relate to others.

And like. He knows he needs these skills. He wants things to get better. So he goes to his sessions, he does his homework. He comes in with theories and suggestions and ideas.

His therapist loves him. Good job, Fletcher.

[tessabhrams]

Okay? No, she was absolutely not okay.

But while Drew might understand, while he might not hold it against her or think twice about ending their 'date' before it even began, she knew nobody else would lend her the same grace.

Eyebrows would raise, whispers would speculate, and she'd end up with more of a migraine than the one she already had.

"Yeah, of course." Tess snifffed, selfconsciously dabbing her cheeks and chin lest any tears remained, and then steeled her spine. "I'm good."

Her stomach went queasy at the lie. Drew was family, even if she never claimed his older brother's last name. Even the slightest dishonesty didn't sit well with her.

And yet admitting the truth wasn't an option. If she talked about it, if she even thought about it, she'd completely break down.

Which is why she didn't ask about Ryan and his wife. Why she didn't demand answers out of Drew she wasn't entitled to. Tess could pretend it was because she had enough honor not to put him in that akward of a position, but really it was for her own sake.

She wanted to know everything about them - about the marriage she'd been told didn't even exist anymore - but wouldn't survive the answers.

"I'm sure I'm not who you'd hoped to end up with tonight," she mused with a soft, empty laugh. "I'm sorry if I got in the way of what could've been a fun night for you with someone... legitimate."

Although not quite sorry enough, because she suspected what that might've meant for Georgie, and her sister was why she bid on Drew in the first place.

"I wanted to donate to the cause, though, and after—" after losing Ryan— "Well, there's nobody esle I would've wanted to spend a few hours with besides you or Blair." | @drewparrish

If Drew was being honest with himself, he hadn’t really expected this evening to turn out the way it did. He had signed up because a couple of his fellow associates had pretty much dared him to and while he’d have been fine with a low bid—that wasn’t the case. But the person who bid on him had surprised him. 

Tess Abhrams. A woman who he’d known pretty much for his entire life. His brother’s ex, his ex’s sister…it was just strange.

Still he had taken his seat at a vacant table, glancing around for her, wondering where she’d gone off to and thinking about calling her and letting her know that he was fine if they skipped out on this date altogether. 

But then she’d shown up and while he was smiling at her, instantly that smile fell when he saw the look on her face. Sure he had a lot of questions for her but more than anything, he was wondering if she was okay or not.

“You don’t have to apologize Tess,” and she really didn’t—not with someone like him. It felt almost surreal to see her in this state and honestly he was quite worried about her and that made him all the more anxious because they both knew this was not a date in the conventional sense and while he did have questions—the first one would be about her.

“I do…are you okay? Because I don’t—“ he trailed off, a frown on his forehead as he formulated the correct words to say. “We don’t have to sit here right now, we can leave if you’re not feeling great.” 

Caring about Tess had been natural since he was a young boy. And when she and Ryan got together, it became almost easier to imagine her as family and so for the longest time, that was who she was to him. And when they were no longer together, Drew had made sure it didn’t impact their relationship at all and made it a point to reach out periodically to see how she was doing and stay in touch. 

It was precisely why he felt a sense of protectiveness over her and even now wanted to make sure that she was alright even if in words he couldn’t always articulate it correctly. | @tessabhrams

[ryctone]

Okay but with all the hype for the new event I forgot I made a Dark Choco & Croissant fic based on @the-wereraven's Golden Child!AU lol;;

Srry if the pace is weird I wrote this when it was late and I just wanted to write fluff of these two; Also Raven, I put some of my headcanons in these hope u don’t mind TwT.

(Warnings: Fluff, so much fluff and Dark Choco being a good older brother for a sick lil Croissant. YOU’VE BEEN WARNED.) enjoy!

---

---

---

The prince carried himself with elegance and grace. So much in fact, that his metal shoes touched the yellow-stone flooring with utter gentleness, soft and delicate as a trail of kisses. Despite the circumstances.

He didn't expect to receive a letter from the Cheese Kingdom that day, even less being informed that Golden Cheese's daughter; his pupil, was sick. Dark choco just had to see for himself, specially after how... peculiar this sickness was. He just wanted to make sure she was okay.

The guards at the door were already familiar with the heir of the Cacao Kingdom, since both their rulers are very close allays and knew he'd do no harm to the already i'll princess, granted him access to pay her a visit.

He entered the room and was greeted by-

“Hi, Choo.” came a little voice, muffled by the many blankets covering it before slowly revealing a little freckled face with golden eyes. Dark Choco paused mid-step, then smiled to himself.

Princess Croissant Cookie wasn’t just any cookie, that was certain. In the years since first being instated as his pupil of the throne by Golden Cheese herself; to show the young princess of Cheese Valley the ropes of ruling when the times comes; she had gone onward and upwards in proving her virtue and worth at such a young age, making for herself a dear place in the prince’s heart.

“Yes, it’s me. Hello Croissant!” The long haired prince proceeds to sit at the edge of the sumptuous bed.

“It’s really nice...that you’re here.” It was not the usual voice the little cookie addressed him with. Not the un-selfconscious, innocent delight and adoration of Croissant’s voracious curiosity. Rather, this was the voice that croaked and groaned, miserable enough to get the week off from school and not even enjoy it, though being Croissant, fell a little short. She had never enjoyed missing out on learning for anything, as Dark Choco well knew.

It hadn’t been the first time the prince had nursed his student through an illness, though it had been a while since the last time, and the fact this wasn't a normal sickness.

“I’m really glad you’re here. Thank you.”

The innocent sincerity touched Dark Choco, as it always did. “Of course, Cross. Your mom sent word to me as soon she knew too. You were quick to figure it out.”

The sick golden child made an aimless, sweeping gesture with her hand. “The first hundred degrees I went above normal were a bit of a clue. Candyneritus!” she suddenly exclaimed, knocking a few beetle and bird plushies about the floor.

“Candyneritus!” the little cookie cried out again. “Candynnnnnerrrrriiiiiiitus!” Dark Choco feared his student slipping into a moment of delirium. “I’m sorry,” Croissant said sullenly. “Is mom okay? I hope I got away from that sick cakehound quick enough.” She groaned and turned over.

“She is. She doesn't seem to have any symptoms according to the nurses. But is best to keep her out of your range until you’re feeling better and it can be disinfected completely.”

The freckled cookie nodded. “I hope she’s not worried...” she worried aloud.

“Only as much as you are.” Dark Choco said warmly.

“How do I even catch a Cakehound disease anyway? I’ve never heard of it happening, or read of it, or even read a story about it! Even for you, Choo, this has to be a first.” 

Dark Choco accommodated the shifted blankets to cover his little student. “Indeed it is, I’ve never heard of it, let alone seen it happen.”

Croissant gave a throaty chuckle, which quickly descended into a cough. “It shouldn’t even be possible. It’s too terrible to be allowed. I’m all achy and dizzy and shakey...and that’s not even a real adjective! Or is it an adverb?” Croissant grumbled and kicked some of her blankets off. “...I’m cold now,” she intoned quietly. “I’m sorry, choo.”

“Don’t think anything of it, Cross. You’re not well.” the prince said as he tucked her in with her blankets once more.

“I know. I’m trying to think straight, but I’m sick and tired of being sick and tired.”

“If you’d rather sleep, I could—”

“No! Please, stay?” Her winged form scrambled and scooped her way through the blankets and pillows until she was more or less grabbing Dark Choco's arm. Her wide, wobbling eyes pleaded wantonly. She shivered, then buried her head in the remaining cushions that weren't on the floor to keep warm.

“Croissant. It’s alright. I'm here.” He said in a reassuring tone, seeing her act like this breaks his heart a little.

“I think it’s my high magic quotient,” she said irritably into the fluffy pillows. “Anycookie would be immune, because cakehounds are really magical too, so any flu that targeted them would have to be adapted specifically for that. The Candyneritus thinks I’m a cakehound, so now my body thinks it is one too, and is fighting it that way. My magic is tricking itself.”

Dark Choco paused, then looked back to his student. “That was surprisingly succinct.”

“Well, I am sick, but that doesn’t mean—” She sneezed. The thick, viscous kind of sneeze perpetrated by only the true mucous exporter. Right in Dark Choco’s face. Croissant looked more sheepish than an actual cotton candy sheep. Dark Choco just casually whipped it out with a gloved hand; he has to remind himself to clean up later.

“I was actually considering much along those lines as well.”

It might have just been the fever, but Croissant’s eyes took on a particular shine. “You mean it?”

“I do.”

“I think like you do? I always,—I mean, I wondered and maybe, maybe I hoped that...I’m glad.” Her head and eyelids sank respectively. “Choo?”

“Yes?”

“I know...I know I’m not really thinking straight, and I’m kind of scared and everything’s still hurt, but...but...”

“I love you.”

Dark Choco drew a gasp. Suddenly his poise and calm were fleeting things before him.

“I love you. You’re like the brother I never had. And...and...and usually I’m so worried about one thing or another, or thinking things through so much, but...but, I can barely hear myself think right now. I’m just babbling, but it’s nice for once not thinking and just saying.”

“Cross.”

The winged child found the strength to dredge her head up from the pillow. “I love you, and I don’t say that enough and maybe no cookie says it enough even though we mean to, and especially not enough to you because you’re so much, so amazing, and for everything I’ve done and been and learned... Everything I’ve learned, and I find out there’s two more things I didn’t know and-”

“Croissant.”

“...and how much you’ve done for me, because maybe a tower full of books is what I used to think was the biggest gift to me you ever gave, but I’m just a silly, sick cookie and when I’m better I’m going to be so embarrassed but I want to say it anyway, because it wasn’t the tower or the books that means so much; it’s every time you make me smile, or inspire me, or challenge me to grow, and I realize now that you’ve been treating me my whole life as... Me, and not just a spoiled lil' princess to put in a pedestal and I love you for everything and why am I crying and smiling at the same time?”

Exhausted, Croissant dropped softly to her caramel-colored bed. The occasional tear going down her cheeks with a sniff. “And now I’m scared,” she whispered. “Because I don’t know what’ll happen once I’m through the fever or if I’ll even—”

“Cheese Croissant Cookie” Dark Choco said, being firm yet gentle with his tone. “It’ll be okay. I’m here, and I won’t leave you. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

“But how—”

“Don’t concern yourself with that. You just get some rest and I’ll be right here.” Croissant sniffled and shivered. “Just sleep now.”

“I think...” she mumbled as her eyes drooped. “I think I can, now. I’m not so afraid with you here. I’m glad I said what I said.” 

“Sleep, Cross. I’ll watch over you.” Croissant murmured something as she sank softly into sleep. After a little while and in the privacy of the utterly spacious room, Dark Choco smiled.

“I love you too.” He whispered to the sleeping little cookie before him. Dark Choco listened to Croissant’s breathing and, in the glow of the setting sun outside the window, felt himself richer than all the marbled cheese towers.

[irenadel]

i wanna talk books so I made a meme

@doorsclosingslowly here’s the answers to your questions :)

6. If you read in more than one language, is there a difference between the experience of reading in your native language(s) and reading in other languages?

Virginia Woolf has a great quote in A Room of One’s Own where she says that women writers need to develop their own “sentence” and that this can only be developed through creating a tradition of female writing. She says that while reading male writers is pleasurable, it isn’t useful for the female writer, that she can’t learn from the way men write. Their “sentence” isn’t suitable for female writing. I’m.... unsure of how much I agree with her on this but I find the theory useful for describing how I approach literature in Spanish vs English.

Especially in terms of language, not so much in regards to narrative or worldbuilding or even themes, I find Spanish to be pleasurable but not useful. I very rarely find myself reading something in Spanish and thinking “ooooh, I wish I could do that! I want to steal that! How did they come up with this?” The “sentence” for writing in Spanish isn’t one I recognize or want to imitate... except maybe for VERY few exceptions like Carlos Fuentes and Borges. Whereas I can spend a lot of time reading English un-selfconsciously and then suddenly be struck by a turn of phrase that I must somehow or other make my own. That almost never happens to me when reading Spanish.

9. Fiction or non-fiction or both? In what ratio? Where do you draw the line between the two?

Oh god, this is embarassing. Erm... fiction to a fault. On 2020 and 2019 I did try to make a concerted effort to read more nonfiction, ESPECIALLY more popular science books. I still kind of childishly consider myself to not be “smart like that” and that science isn’t for me, because I don’t understand it. I used to think science fiction wasn’t for me, for similar reasons. When I do read nonfiction it tends to be history and literary criticism.

I’m finishing my degree on English literature and though I had a period of hating hard on literary criticism, I think it was mostly me rebelling against the French brand of it. I HAVE to admit I love reading new historicism, especially now that I’m working on my dissertation and I had to read a lot on Elizabethan and Jacobean theatre.

Hopefully 2021 will be the year I read a bit more science.

11. The worst book hangover you’ve ever had

Augh... I remember two in recent years. Let me see... in 2017 I finished the last book in the Realm of the Elderlings. I had read the first book in the series around maybe the mid 2000s. I devoured it in a single weekend, still hungry for more of the story. I did not have access to the rest of the trilogy for a couple of years after, but as soon as I got them I read them as fast as I could. I remember reading those books during class, pretending to pay attention to a lecture on Linguistics but actually fully engrossed in Robin Hobb’s world.

It’s a world that was with me for more than 10 years. Characters that I knew intimately from multiple re-readings for more than 10 years. My dissertationg is about the first trilogy for crying out loud! I hadn’t wanted to read the last trilogy and the last book on the trilogy because I didn’t want that connection to end. But finally I gave in...

It was a book hangover because I was reading late at night when I realized, halfway through the book, a character I loved deeply was probably going to die and I just HAD to know, I HAD to be sure. So I read through the night going from disbelief to anger, to grief, to grim acceptance. I wasn’t able to put down the book until 11 am the next day, by which point I was openly sobbing and would have thrown the book across the room except I think I was reading in my computer.

The second book hangover I remember was less because of sprinting through the book and more because of the circumstances. Last December I had decided to finish as many books I could in hopes of reaching my Good Reads goal (which I didn’’t) and I was going through His Dark Materials pretty quickly when on the 25th I got the news that my grandmother died. I wasn’t able to go see her at the hospital or at a funeral, or even go see my dad and uncles because she had died of covid-19 and the situation was still pretty dire in the city.

Then Philip Pullman decided to be an absolute asshole to me and the characters in his book arrived to the Land of the Dead. Being an atheist fantasy series and me having just recently come to terms with the fact that I’m not even agnostic... it was very tough to go through Pullman’s exploration of mortality and the importance of life on Earth. I agreed completely that materiality and the here-and-now far outweigh any contemplations of an afterlife... but my grandmother had died very suddenly.... she had still been a pretty strong old lady before she contracted covid... I had spoken to her a couple of days before and she was still strong enough to bitch about litter getting inside her room...

I finished The Amber Spyglass in a rush as well and somehow it got mixed with my mourning process and my anger at myself for having taken my grandmother’s life for granted... for not having cherished the materiality of her existence when I had the chance... I hadn’t finished writing my dissertation’s first draft yet and there were some heavy issues going on in my household.... I was exhausted from having to survive the year and I think I still am... and it all mixed up with the bittersweet ending of Pullman’s His Dark Materials and the inevitability of loss... all I remember from between the 25th and the 31st of December 2020 was exhaustedly reheating Christmas food, trying to write, and slogging through The Amber Spyglass... it feels like it was a week-long literary hangover...

14. The book that, in hindsight, really should have clued you in to the fact that you’re _________ (queer/in love/doomed to be an academic/etc)

So this is slightly NSFW but I should have known, and stopped being such a snob about it, that I had WAY MORE in common with the furries than I cared to admit given that my first impression of Smaug the Golden when reading The Hobbit at the tender age of 8 was “wow! he’s dreamy!” *facepalm *(also betraying a worrying tendency to crushing on irredeemable assholes and other miscellaneous villains...) I have accepted my status as a weird monsterfucker AND a weird alienfucker. Inhuman anatomy makes me hot, and I should have known it from DAY ONE!

23. The book you expected to hate, didn’t, and then got angry about not hating

The Hunger Games, which I’m STILL salty about and will probably remain salty about for the rest of my life.

I hateread it because a friend told me about how he hated it, given his bitter ex loved it and though I agree with all his criticisms and have a bunch of my own... I still cannot stop finding stupid Katniss profoundly likeable! CURSES! A pox upon your house Suzanne Collins! I still think your dystopia is a cowardly, white-lady-who-has-never-feared-state-violence dystopia, I still think your love triangle was absolutely unnecessary and I still think you tried to cop out of admitting you (and your character) like pretty dresses by making the pretty dresses compulsory. Be brave! Don’t give me this “I’m not like other girls” bullshit! Be brave! Make your violent spectacle reality show as a criticism of the USA’s consumerism and callousness a voluntary thing! Don’t wash your heroine’s hands clean of the sin of wanting fame and fortune and survival at all costs!

But... fuck... I... still like Katniss... I’m glad little girls in 2008 got a heroine who kicked ass, looked good and wasn’t a perfectly strong and powerful person all the time. I’m glad they got competence and vulnerability... Fuck my life...

31. Bonus question: rec me something!

This is hard... since I get the feeling we have very different tastes in reading material but... If you haven’t heard of the Vampire: The Masquerade roleplaying game (or even if you have) take a crack at the Baali Clanbook. Even if you don’t understand the game mechanics I think you’ll enjoy the history portion because it’s about a clan of devil-worshipping vampires who do their devil worshipping through implanting evil insects on people... and I suspect it might be up your alley...

[morning-thunderstorm]

A butterfly dive.

Hello, @pondlilies00. I was your Natsume yuujinchou Secret Santa gifter. @natsume-ss

Here's the first of the Natsume turned god series. I'll do my best to post other parts before the deadline, too. If you prefer AO3, here's the link - https://archiveofourown.org/works/21959386

Name: A butterfly dive.

Word count: 6856 words.

It happens one day, in late spring, when green colors slopes of mountains and flowers cover roadside in all colors of rainbow.

Natsume smiles, listening to Kitamoto and Nishimura’s bickering and jokes, occasionally joining, but mostly keeping to himself. Kappa told him about a small river up the mountain where there is very good fish, and now they are heading there, though Tanuma was busy helping his dad with something the shrine.

“Oh, how’s your cousin?” Nishimura bites his lip, “He’s better, I hope?”

The sudden change in mood attracts Natsume’s attention. Kitamoto's cousin? Is he ill? But his somber face didn’t tell good news. Natsume scowled, but remained silent.

“No. Doctors don’t even know what’s the problem with his legs. All is good”, Atsushi exhales sharply, “Nerves, bones, muscles, it’s almost like that old telltale auntie told us when we were small”, he tangled his hair,” You know that one, about a Mononoke in the left shrine on the north slope of the mountain”.

Natsume perked up at these words. Mononoke?

“Yeah”, Nishimura sighed, “Oh, Natsume, you don’t know Koonaku!” he turned to Takashi, selfconscious. Natsume only shook his head.

'Kitamoto’s cousin could be a victim of an angry yokai', he thought, 'better check, Kitamoto likes him a lot, it seems'.

“His name’s Koonaku Ryuuzan, my maternal cousin, two years older than me”, Atsushi smiled, “He’s like a brother to me, we’re very close”.

“What’s happened?” Natsume asked, tentatively observing his friend, ready to back down any moment. After all, he had the Dog’s Circle, who could find it out for him, if the need arose.

“He walked in the forest with friends after school, to find some sort of flowers for their biology project, his teacher told them where to find them, and they came to that left shrine. He said he would go inside and look for them in the yard, but didn’t come out for about ten minutes”, Kitamoto fell silent for a moment, nervously pursing lips. His fists clenched, knuckles whitening, “The shrine is small, so it couldn’t take him so long, and his friends worried. They found him in the main building, he lay on the floor. There were two small cuts on his hips, but nothing more. They weren’t even poisoned!” he swung hands in frustration and anxiety.

Natsume glanced down on Nyanko-sensei. The cat’s eyes glistened in the sun, serious expression — almost scowl on his face. So, it was a yokai. Natsume frowned. He heard about this left shrine from the Dog’s Circle. They said there was some spirit, but they were more or less peaceful, not vengeful to humans, just closed off.

“My best wishes to him”, Takashi nodded, “I’m sure he’ll be alright soon”.

“Thanks”, Kitamoto smiled wearily.

They went, more quiet now, with Nishimura talking about a new game he wanted till reaching the river. While his friends put out their fishing rods, Natsume busied himself with laying out snacks and drinks. They planned on being here for all noon, so Touko-san packed them both bento and candy bars.

"Sensei, ask Hinoe to come home, please, I want to ask her something".

The cat purred, tickled under his chin, and stood up.

"Save me those shrimps, then", he grumbled, "And don't get in trouble until I come back".

"Will do", Natsume petted him once more and Nyanko-sensei sprinted, disappearing in bushes without a sound.

He exhaled and put several shrimps away from other meals. He promised, after all.

They spent all day fishing and playing and having fun, and when they were coming back, Kitamoto was smiling, happy and wide, and it was worth all his weariness and subtle ache in limbs from running and jumping.

"Bye, Natsume!", they parted ways on the crossroad, and Takashi sped up. 'Hinoe must already be at home', he thought, pacing through streets.

"I'm home!", he spoke, taking off shoes.

"Welcome home, Takashi-kun, how was fishing?" Touko-san came out of the kitchen, greeting him with warm smile and soft homey smell.

"It was good, Touko-san, here's what I caught", he didn't keep his own smile down and stretched out a bag with several fish.

Surprise colored her face, but changed into a twinkle of a delight.

"You sure are good with it, Takashi-kun", she took the bag, "All of them big and so many, as if kappa was helping you!" Natsume laughed, not answering. It was the kappa indeed, "I'll cook something out of it for dinner. Oh, are you tired?" Touko-san tilted her head and cupped his cheek, motherly love and care in every gesture and touch, "You've been out so long, rest a bit, will you?"

"Ok, Touko-san", he nodded, "I'll be upstairs".

"Good, I'll start with dinner then", she went back to the kitchen.

Natsume went up in his room. Hinoe was already there indeed, filling the room with pale purple smoke from her pipe.

"Natsume!" a broad smile morphed her face from mildly concerned to openly glad, "You finally came!" but not a second later a pout "This guardian of yours has no manners, he didn't even offer sake or tea, despite all my long wait!" playful pout and eyes shining with well-meaning mischief from under long eyelashes.

Takashi shook head, sitting down across her: yokai and their games are so… yokai sometimes.

"Sensei, I'm sure you can share some of your sake with Hinoe, you always do", he berated gently. He was almost convinced that the cat hid some bottles somewhere in the house, with how he sometimes got drunk without even leaving it.

"What?! No way! That's feasts, this is my own sake!" righteous indignant shriek was only muffled by Takashi's hand.

"Pfft", Hinoe scoffed, exhaling a big cloud of smoke, "Anyway, Natsume, you wanted to see me. What's it?"

"Oh, sorry", he fidgeted, "Do you know anything about the spirit living in the left shrine on the north slope of the mountain?"

Hinoe hummed, inhaled and then exhaled, letting out a snake-shaped cloud. The snake turned, curling in circles and turning its head, and then slowly shifted into a more human-like form.

Natsume looked at this, not turning away for a moment. 'So this is the spirit appearance', he thrummed on tatami, 'A snake…'

"This is Mekoguro", she said, "The goddess of the shrine left it, not so long ago, couple centuries at most. He was her servant and stayed behind to look after it in case she deigns to come back, which I doubt very much. She left for another world". One more smoke-filled exhale and another figure rose near to the serpent-like yokai. Female figure in colorful heian clothes with snake pattern on long sleeves and lower hem, long black hair with a braid in the middle. Her face had fair features, just like beauties of ancient times. A small beauty mark under her right eye caught Takashi's attention. He saw someone who looked exactly like that not long ago. 'Not now', he passed this thought.

"You once said he's not antagonizing humans", he said.

"Mostly", Hinoe nodded, "If they don't disrespect rules of the shrine or trespass where they can't go. The usual of his kind", she flailed her pipe, turning her illusion null.

Natsume scowled. The usual…

"And the rules are?" he asked. Better safe than sorry, with yokai especially.

"Also the usual. Don't step on the goddess' road, cleanse before entering, and the like", she shrugged.

"You said 'mostly'", remembered Takashi, "What do you mean?"

"Some foolish humans thought it was a good idea to break those rules", Hinoe exhaled another smoke cloud, "Mekoguro punished them accordingly".

Natsume tensed. 'Accordingly' could mean a lot, particularly if it was a servant protecting a god or a god's honor.

"Was among them anyone who lost their legs?" he clenched fists.

Hinoe nodded, somber all of the sudden.

"Yes. These are the ones, who stepped on the goddess' path. It is a grave insult, you see, and I heard that Mekoguro only left those fools alive because of the goddess's order. She's forbidden him from killing humans".

"Step on the god's path…" Takashi grit his teeth. This was more than just a mean spirit.

"Do you know if they had cuts on legs and then lost their legs?" it was his last attempt at hoping for the better.

"Two small cuts, one on each leg", Hinoe's words were the final nail in the coffin.

Takashi heaved a heavy sigh and lumped, crouching. This was going to be a mess, he could say.

"You need any more, Natsume?" Hinoe smiled reassuringly, concern clear in her red eyes.

"If you could, ask around, please. This Mekoguro recently punished a human, what did that human do?" the boy massaged his temples, feeling impending doom of headache coming.

"This I can answer right away", Hinoe shook her head, "He trespassed the goddess' path and didn't even acknowledge it".

"Idiot", Nyanko-sensei huffed, "Now that you know, what will you do, Natsume?"

"So it was your human", hummed Hinoe, "I thought they know better".

"I don't have humans", Takashi snapped, "And it was my friend's cousin, I don't know him personally".

"The kin of the one under your wing, then", corrected herself Hinoe, "Still your charge, I say. Blood of your retinue is under your protection, it is a basic rule", she said, "You can use it".

"What do you mean, Hinoe?" Natsume perked up.

"I mean that this foolish human is your charge. You repay his debt and you're good", she flicked her pipe, "Though price will be high, this I can promise".

Natsume rolled his aching shoulders. Tomorrow is going a busy day, it seemed.

"Do you know what would suffice as the peace offering?" he had no idea, so any advice would be highly appreciated. Nyanko-sensei still kept silent, so he assumed the cat didn't know, too.

"Something pricy. It may be anything, I really don't know, Mekoguro is too closed off", she shrugged, with guilt clear on her face and hunched pose.

"Still, thank you, you helped me very much", his gratitude was sincere, she told a lot.

"Of course, it's you, so no problem!", cheerfulness came back to her in an instance, "Call me whenever you need me", she smiled, playful and mischievous as always.

"Will do", he didn't hold back his own smile. She meant well and helped so much, he was thankful.

——————

The next day he warned Touko-san that he may be late for lunch at breakfast.

"Oh, that's not good. Are you planning to go see friends?"

"Something like that", he nodded, uncomfortable with almost lie.

"Then wait a bit, I'll pack you something", she fussed over the kitchen after a loving kiss on the top of his head, and he couldn't find it in himself to refuse her care.

"I put a bit more, so share with your friends, okay? That's a new recipe and I wanted to test it". The woman wrapped his bento in blue fabric and gave it to him.

"Will do, Touko-san", he felt something warm clutch his heart. He didn't know what he did to deserve such good people as her and Shigeru-san. He waved her goodbye and hastened his bike.

Nyanko-sensei jumped in the bascet on the front, grumbling.

"You always meddle in other people's problems, brat, one day it will bite you back", Takashi waited till the cat made himself comfortable and then began to ride.

"I know, Sensei", his answer was quiet, "But I can't leave it just like that. I want to help, and I need to know what's happened".

The cat huffed, but didn't say anything else.

The ride till a shop and then the hospital took him less than half an hour. Even easier was to get access to Ryuuzan, when he said he was visiting a friend.

"Ward B, Room 326, third floor", the nurse at the reception waved him to the stairs, "The room's to the left".

"Thank you", he nodded and took the stairs

"Sensei, behave", he scolded the cat, who obviously didn't like the hospital smell. The cat tsk-ed, but didn't make any other move.

Takashi looked up the names, searching the one they needed. The fourth room was it.

"I'm sorry, is this Koonaku Ryuuzan's room?" he knocked and asked behind the door.

"Yes, come in", the male voice answered.

Takashi let Nyanko-sensei on the floor and pushed the door.

It was a usual hospital room, full of artificial lights and sterile white, though more habited than he expected. A teen older than him by a year or two sat on the bed, with a folded book on his lap.

"I'm Natsume Takashi, your cousin Kitamoto Atsushi's friend", under a measuring and curious look he decided that it is better to introduce himself first.

"Ah, that Natsume!", Ryuuzan exclaimed, and it took all Takashi's willpower to not flinch away, "Atsu talks a lot about you", a smile graced his face.

"Yeah", Takashi took a shuddered breath. This choice of words… "It's me".

"Why did you come?"

Now that Ryuuzan knew his name, he seemed to warm up a bit.

"I heard you got a trauma. Kitamoto worries and I worry about him", he answered honestly, it seemed like the best way to get to good graces of this upperclassman, "I brought you fruits and bento", he held out the bag in his hands.

"It's nice of you", Ryuuzan nodded, taking them, "Though I really don't understand why come here".

Something bitter leaked in his voice and Natsume's heart clenched. That… was too similar to the old him for his liking.

He took a deep breath.

"I wanted to say that believe in you", Takashi said, firm and almost strict, "Kitamoto is strong and tough, and he said he got it from you. I know him, and I believe that someone like him won't break. I'm sure you will heal and come back to family, friends, and school, and I wanted to say this", his knuckles were white from the grip force, and face flushed with awkwardness, but a startled chuckle from Ryuuzan drew his attention.

"So my cousin was right about you being a softie", Ryuuzan outright laughed at Takashi's dumbfounded face, "He often said you're kind to a fault, now I am sure it's true", Ryuuzan's smile was warm and sincere, "Thank you. Really. My family is too scared, my friends guilt themselves, and it gets… You know, heavy", he waved his hand with a grimace, "You are the first to say that and really mean it. So, thank you", Ryuuzan bowed his head.

Natsume bit his lip. This was a lot harder than he anticipated.

"I… don't know what to say", he admitted.

Ryuuzan huffed and gave a small smile.

"Do you want to hear what happened? I promise to be absolutely honest", he quirked lips and put the book on the bedtable, eyes sad but clear.

"If you are comfortable with it", Natsume nodded.

Ryuuzan took a second to sigh deeply.

"I and my friends were walking down the forest. Our biology teacher gave us a project, so we needed to find one certain type of flowers and bring them to the school for the research. We were looking for them on the mountain where she said they would probably be, but found little to none, so we decided to search on another slope, too. We found that clearing where the left shrine is, and looked around. There were a lot, but still not enough. I suggested we look in the shrine's yard too, there must have been a lot, since it's not tended. No one wanted to come in, and I decided to do it myself. I thought it wouldn't be difficult, so went through the gates and in the yard. I must say, it looked strange, like it was actually tended, but flowers were still there. I kneeled to dig them up, heard a snake hissing, and then nothing".

Natsume kept himself from scowling, but didn't manage to keep away the gentle scolding tone of voice usually reserved for the Little Fox.

"Did you step on the god's path?"

Ryuuzan looke up, perplexed, but under Natsume's serious gaze he scowled trying to remember.

"I don't know", he answered hesitantly, "I mean, I know not to stop there, but I was tired and a bit angry back then from all the walking and digging", he scowled deeper, "Yeah, I did step", he nodded, "It was unintentional, and I didn't think much of it".

Natsume heaved a sigh, shaking his head. Oh, at least he wasn't doing it on purpose.

"You really shouldn't have", Takashi said, "Even if a god forgives you, it's a tradition, and they have a reason for existence".

"I know", Ryuuzan nodded, too serious and understanding for a usual human, even a superstitious one, "I know it may look strange what I say, but I think it's a yokai's doing", he motioned to his legs, "You know, even if the shrine was left by people, no one said the gods left it".

Natsume looked at Ryuuzan and suddenly smiled. This may become easier.

"I think you're right", he said, "You should say you're sorry, just do it so you are heard".

Ryuuzan huffed, but didn't take eyes off Natsume. For a minute they just looked each other dead in the eye.

"You are right", Ryuuzan said, loud and decisive, "I will!"

"Ok", Takashi nodded, "You didn't mean any harm, so I don't think it will be hard to get your forgiveness".

Ryuuzan nodded yet again and fell silent, looking out in the window.

"You know, I once saw a yokai, I think", he says, low and unsure, "It was a frog, a really big one, its leg was broken and the poor thing was freezing in the night. I took the frog in, fed it and tied a lace around the broken leg. The next morning it wasn't there, instead was a small grey stone", Ryuuzan reached to his neck and showed him a twined with black leather cord stone, "It seems to bring luck. Nothing big, a question I know on the test or a lucky roll in a game, but..." he shrugged, "You know, it doesn't look like something normal".

Natsume tilted his head to the side. It must have been Misuzu, and the frog was his head servant. No wonder the yokai was generous with Ryuuzan, he took care of his underlings.

"I think I understand", he said.

——————

Later, after bidding farewell to Ryuuzan, Takashi headed for the shrine. There was a little money left in his wallet, so he bought two onigiri in a shop on the way to the mountain. Nyanko-sensei could be insufferable when cranky.

"Eat, sensei, I'm sure it will make you feel better", he pushed one of the onigiris to the cat.

"You better havve bought a good one, or else", mumbled his bodyguard, taking the first bite, "Not the best, but bearable", he huffed and proceeded to chew down the whole thing in less than two minutes.

Takashi shook head, smile exasperated, but fond nonetheless.

"Let's hurry, I don't want to be late for lunch", he said, feeding the last bits to his cat.

"Yeah, Touko-san promised to cook stew, so hurry up, slow Natsume!" Nyanko-sensei grumbled, jumping on the bike.

"Then don't distract me", Takashi sprinted down the road.

An hour and a half later he stood on the clearing, cradling Nyanko-sensei to his chest, the shrine walls high and intimidating, covered in vines, and gates open. The road inside, covered in stone flags, swept clean of leaves and twigs.

"Mekoguro is really a loyal servant", Takashi said stepping forward and letting go of the cat, "Sensei, don't intervene, unless I call you, ok?"

"What are you thinking of, Natsume?" his bodyguard narrowed his yellow eyes.

"I want to talk to Mekoguro and try to convince him to take his charms off Ryuuzan", explained Takashi, "And I need peaceful atmosphere for that", his soft chiding tone made the cat huff in annoyance, but nothing else.

"Ok, deal", Nyanko-sensei agreed with a sigh, and jumped upwards, turning into his true form with a big cloud of smoke. Natsume can't help his smile: Sensei really can't just say he cares, can he?

He stepped in the yard, through the gates to the left. There was the washing stand, and he was going through the usual routine, when he heard a male voice calling him.

"Who are you? What are you doing here?" displeasure and hostility in lilt.

Takashi turned and saw Mekoguro, same to the illusion Hinoe had shown him. Dark blue kimono with black snakes on the sleeves and a bright yellow obi, same color as his hair, tied in a high ponytail, a sword on his back and long green-grey snake tail instead of legs. His eyes, that shade of dull yellow-green you would usually see on snakes only, were sharp and bore a threat.

"My name is Natsume Takashi and I came to talk to you", he bowed his head in greeting.

"Natsume?" Mekoguro scowled, "Are you that obnoxious girl, loitering around to bind yokai?" he gripped the hem of his sword.

"No, that was my grandmother, she is already dead", Takashi shook head, raising hands in a placating gesture, long ago resigned to being mistaken for his grandmother.

Mekoguro scowled, but his face cleared a second later.

"You are that brat giving names back", he hummed under his breath and let his hand slide back down.

Takashi resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He will be a brat for the spirits even on his grave bed, they are just too much older.

"That would be me", he nodded.

"Why did you come here?" Mekoguro repeated his question, "Your kin didn't take neither mine nor my mistress' name".

"I wanted to ask you to take your punishment off from the last human you did it to", told Takashi, mentally preparing for a long bargain.

"No", was the short, aggressive and decisive answer he got. He sighed. Yes, it was going to be difficult, "He insulted my mistress. He will know better".

"He didn't do it intentionally", Takashi tried to reason, "He regrets his actions".

"As he should", stone-cold voice, "Humans still teach their young basics. It is the easiest rule. To comply to it one does not need to be clever, just walk one's road".

Takashi heaved another sigh. 'Let's try Hinoe's advice', he thought tiredly.

"I understand and I will punish him for such behavior, but he will not be able to serve his punishment without legs", he said in one breath.

Mekoguro inclined his head, looking him in the eye with contemplation.

"Is he yours?" he asked after a minute of silence, nervous to no end on Natsume's side.

"He is the kin of one of mine, he is my charge", explained Takashi.

"Then why did you not teach them better?" the spirit was angered, it showed in his pursed lips and whitening skin, "The yokai of Yatsuhara sing praises to you and your knowledge and you can't do this?"

"I didn't know about his existence till yesterday", Takashi answered, keeping himself calm and collected.

"You should take care of your human part of retinue better", Mekoguro parried, "Most of them are ignorant at best".

"I will", Natsume nodded. 'Good, seems like he's ready to bargain'.

"Then…" Mekoguro suddenly froxe, tense like tight strings, "Orokimaru-sama?.." his eyes widened with disbelief as he looked behind Takashi.

Natsume turned in a moment and saw a woman standing in gates. Her hair was swept back, but as she stepped in, Natsume was sure in his recognition. This was the goddess of the shrine, the woman he saw two days ago by the river.

Her blouse and long skirt turned to colorful heian clothes, long black hair freely falling on her back as walked in the middle of the road.

"Mekoguro", she greeted her servant, eyeing him with care and love, "You kept your promise".

"Orokimaru-sama", the yokai stepped forward and knelt before her, bowing his head, "You came back. Will you stay in this humble shrine? ".

The goddess smiled, sad and rueful, and gestured him to stand up, but the yokai didn't obey. Takashi bit his lip; he had a bad premonition about her visit.

"No, my little snake", Mekoguro jerked upright, shocked, "I came to say farewell".

Silence reigned in the shrine. Takashi turned towards the forest and took three steps back. This was a private moment, and he didn't want to intrude.

"My time has come to the end, Mekoguro. Humans forgot about me fully and even the sacred village can't protect me. Without their belief I'm fading". The goddess waved her fan and closed her face with it.

Mekoguro gripped his kimono, hunching lower.

"No one?" he whispered, "Not a single one? They all forgot your grace and all your good deeds for them?" his weak voice filled venom, fury, and desperation.

Takashi sighed. He needed to ask for the goddess' help, she could talk her servant out of punishing Ryuuzan. But right now, with how angry the yokai was at humans…

"They do not believe in gods and yokai now", her voice was soothing, pacifying, "I an no major god, just a guardian goddess of Yatsuhara".

Mekoguro gritted his teeth, "But Orokimaru-sama!.."

"Hush, my little snake", she kneeled before him and enclosed in a hug, shielding him with long sleeves of her robe, "Everything will turn out fine".

Quiet sobs and soothing murmuring could be heard, if you strained your ears, but Takashi turned on his heels, back to the entangled couple. He had basic decency, after all.

Takashi waited in silence until he was called.

"Natsume Takashi" the goddess addressed him with a nod, "Why did you come to my shrine? I believe you were notified that your kin did not bind any of us".

"Orokimaru-sama", Takashi politely bowed, "I came to ask for mercy on one of the humans in my charge", he chose words to be absolutely polite. The goddess did not look aggressive, even forbade to kill humans, but still better safe than sorry.

"What did your human do, Natsume Takashi?" the goddess waved them to a small pond, "I believe it must be serious for you to intervene".

"What do you mean?" Takashi couldn't help but tense at her choice of words: if it was small, he would not intervene? Or that he would intervene only if it turned dangerous?

"Spirit world is small, tales of your deeds reach the sacred village rather often", the goddess gave a quiet chuckle, seeing him flush, "They say you protect yokai from humans, from exorcists, you help them, and they love and follow you in turn", her smile was serene and sincere, "You help yokai reach for the humans they got affectionate to, you protect Yatsuhara, both its humans and yokai", she sat on a small bench by the pond and gestured on the same one beside, while Mekoguro took place to her right. Takashi took his seat, "So I believe it must be a serious issue to lead you here".

Takashi fell silent, not knowing what to say. She held him in high regard, it was crystal clear, and his usual actions would fall in the pattern she described, but this request he bore… Was egotistical in comparison to the others. Would it be for worse?

"The human in my charge unintentionally insulted you by the action of stepping on the god's path”, the goddess stilled, “He did not bear any ill will and regrets his actions," he added hastily, "At this time he is serving punishment of your servant Mekoguro's choice. He cannot walk despite having two good legs. I came to make amends in his stead".

The goddess scowled and didn't answer, slowly fanning herself all the while. At last, several minutes of tense silence later, she sighed and shook her head.

"I am ready to forgive this foolish human of yours, but you must promise to teach them better. Not every spirit will forgive them, be it intentional or not", she said slowly, "And I have a question for you, Natsume Takashi", she told seriously, looking in his eyes, "What is Yatsuhara for you?"

Takashi blinked, surprised by her sudden change in the topic of talk. But her gaze alone told him he must think his answer through.

But… The answer was not far away. Yatsuhara was the place he found the peace of heart in, where he bonded with many people and spirits, where the cold of inside changed into the warm embrace of family and friends.

His answer was simple.

"Yatsuhara is my home", he said, pulling his heart into his words, "The place I feel peace and safe in. I want it to remain so".

The goddess smiled at him and nodded.

"Then I know your price I will take the punishment away for", she said, prim and regal all of the sudden, "You will take over my duty of the guardian god of Yatsuhara, become thou yourself, and for this I will forgive your human".

Takashi froze. Become the guardian god of Yatsuhara? What?

"I beg your pardon", his voice rose from sheer bewilderment, "What?"

"Become the guardian God of Yatsuhara", the goddess repeated, "And I will forgive your human".

"But… That is impossible", he shook his head, "A human cannot be turned into a god".

"Who said so?", Orokimaru-sama inclined her head, "This knowledge is forbidden for most, but there is a way".

"But why me?" he pointed at himself, "I honestly doubt I am fit for this position".

To turn into god? That was the last thing he would expect from coming here. Maybe owe a favor, some object, but this never even came into his mind. This was really really not the best idea in his life.

And seething Mekoguro behind his goddess was clearly of the same mind, taking in account his pinched face.

"But why think so?" she gave a sad laugh, startling both males, "You have already been performing the duties without realizing", she said, rueful lilt to her voice, that made his heart squeeze, "You keep Yatsuhara safe and in peace, help and get respect from spirits. All you lack for the title of the guardian god is power and your human shackle not being the body of a god", she motioned her fan towards him, "And this I can change at your agreement".

Natsume kept silent, too shell-shocked by the offer.

The goddess snapped her fingers, catching his attention.

“I understand that this is a sudden proposition, and you have all the rights to doubt its usefulness, but let me clear some of your concerns”, she fanned herself, looking at Takashi sharply, “You will be able to age together with your human lot of retinue. Maybe slower, but nonetheless, you will be able to keep your human life. You won't need to eat and sleep, but can if you so desire. Your appearance will change a bit, more refined and fair. It is probable that you will be able to communicate with snakes and command them, that's my ability I intend to pass to you. You will be able to have children. Otherwise, your life won't change all that much, and yokai will be much more respectful. Your family treasure will be in more safety then because you will have all Yatsuhara to back you up against aggressors", the goddess takes Takeshi's hand in his, and now that her face is close, he sees it.

The jawline. The face's oval. The shape of her eyes. It's not much, and if he didn't look for it, he would've never noticed.

It's almost identical to his grandmother's features.

"You..." he doesn't have words. It can't be...

"I was your ancestor, your grandmother's great-great-great-grandmother, to be precise. Soon after I took up the mantle of the guardian goddess, there was a big conflict", the goddess — his ancestor, he can't believe his ears, "And my family was erased", the bitterness and echo of grief in her voice make his heart clench.

"But not all of them?" he asked. If there was him and his grandmother, then someone lived through.

"Yes. My youngest sister, the baby of age four. She hid under the ruins of our home for three days and then run as far as she could. She ended up living in Hokkaido", the goddess took a sharp breath, "I didn't know of it, I thought all my family had died, until Reiko came here", the goddess fell silent for a few moments.

"But she was gone too quickly. When I came looking for her, she already disappeared, and no one knew where to find her. There were many who remembered her, but no one close".

"Yeah", Natsume couldn't help a weak smile, "I was told she had a habit of doing it".

"I tried to find her, but to no avail. My powers were seeping rapidly, and I had to come back to the sacred village. I tried sending my snakes to look for her, but they are no yokai, they couldn't find her", the goddess gripped his hand stronger, "I lost my claim as the guardian goddess of Yatsuhara when I entered the sacred village and now can only pass it to the next holder. So please, accept this offer of mine", she pleaded, earnestly and so sincere, "I looked for you here, when I understood who you are, and yesterday I found you. I was never so happy, when I knew — my family is alive. You are alive", she exhales, trying to reign in her emotions, before speaking again, more firmly now, "I know I didn't make it in time to save you from so many hurts, but in this last moments I want to do my best to make sure that you live your life fully. I want to you to be happy, safe and live a long life that will be filled with your laughter. You are a child of my family, mine in all aspects that matter".

Natsume can't help it. Tears slide down his face, he can't stop them, and he's not sure he wants to.

This goddess is his family, family who wants him happy and healthy just because he is it — family. She could go away freely; bide goodbye only to her servant, and fade from this world. She didn't have to, and yet she did, because she cared for her family — for what left of it. And she would go away, just as she came because it her time. He thought absentmindedly that he understood the yokai who knew Reiko better.

"Hush, dear, it will turn out good", she wiped his tears and smiled, "Remember, I love you. No matter your choice, I love you, child mine, and nothing in this world will change it. I'm so proud of you, words can't describe it. You turned out so beautiful, kind and bright, oh how much I want to tell my father about you, we would all be so happy", Orokimaru cupped his face, "Never forget this words, child mine".

Natsume nods and swallows the lump in his throat.

"I won't. And I accept your offer", he squeezes her hand and smiles, "Let's do it".

Orokimaru nods in turn and takes his another hand in hers.

"It can hurt a bit, like needles in your fingertips", she warned him and began.

The wind swirled around them, and Natsume felt the itch in his hands, but held on.

She opened her mouth and breathed out. A small yellowy-grey cloud came out.

"Breath it in through mouth", he was commanded, and complied.

It felt strange on his tongue — like cotton candy Nishimura bought for all of them on the last festival, just salty and mild.

"Breath out and kneel with me", Orokimaru turned his hands so that his back of hands was turned up and hers down.

It felt strange, as if a small warm ball formed between their hands. It wasn't unpleasant, more like a small bird in hands, just not fluffy. The feeling changed as the ball cooled to cold.

"Put your hands together and concentrate. When you feel it's time, breath out into them and push towards sky", Orokimaru let his hands go and smiled reassuringly. Her hair slid down shoulder when she siddenly teetered to left, pale and gasping for air.

"Orokimaru-sama!" Mekoguro gripped her shoulders, steading her, with panick on his face. Natsume tried to reach out for her, but she cut both of them out.

"Do not worry", she clasped Mekoguro's hand, and nodded curtly to Natsume, "Continue".

He pursed his lips, holding her gaze until she sighed and relaxed into her servant's hold. Only then did he revert his attention back to the ethereal ball in his hands.

It is still cold, not quite pleasant against his skin. He brings it closer to his mouth and exhales into his palms. Suddenly the warm air is swirling in circles inside, coating the ball, and the next thing he knows is that the yellowy-gray ball changes its color to pale green with darker specs. He feels the pull to let it go, to fly high and reach all land, and raises his hands, letting go of the ball.

It flies off his hands and rises above trees. Soft dull glow grows brighter and soon it looks like there're two suns. And then it explodes, showering them with tiny green sparkles. Winds are curling around Takashi, flapping his shirt's tails, like playful kittens, when Nyanko-sensei roars, entering the shine grounds with loud swish and lands beside him. His fangs bared, crouched pose, ready to fight any moment, the inugami was quite a fear-inducing sight.

"Nyanko-sensei!" Natsume exclaimed, stunned to his very core, when his guardian snarled at Mekoguro, who tried to unsheathe his sword. This was a goddess before them! There's no way he didn't scoop this before coming here! He was confronting a goddess, albeit well-meaning and not prone to antagonizing them, but Nyanko-sensei didn't know it, and yet put himself between the threat and him. Natsume doesn't even try to contain his gratitude and happiness, hugging his guardian and nuzzling into soft white fur.

"Don't worry, sensei", murmurs he, "They don't mean harm".

"As if you would know, brat", huffs the inugami, but still relaxes a bit, coiling his long tail around his charge.

"Your guard is admittedly loyal, I see", Orokimaru chuсkles, "Good. Now I can go, that you're in good hands", she holds out her hand, and Natsume kneels to take it and stand eye to eye with her. Her figure bleaks with every moment — it's time for her to go, "You are a good boy, my child, with tender heart and pure soul. You will do just fine. Don't forget my words. I will always love you, Natsume Takashi, child of my family", her smile is quiet, all motherly love and care, and sad, "Forgive me for not finding you earlier and leaving so soon. If I had a say, I wouldn't leave your side", she squeezes his hand stronger.

"You came to find me", he can't say it doesn't matter; these years when he suffered thrown from one family relative to another as if some sort of stinky ball did hurt him. But she searched for him, cared and loved just because he was her family, she did her best to protect him, and he will never forget it, "I forgive you".

"Thank you", with smile on her lips, she closes her eyes, dispersing into nothing but flare of dim sparkles that disappear high in the sky.

Natsume brings his hand in closer — it holds a simple white jade ring, that was on Orokimaru's left hand. He smiles — he is glad to have at least this much of her left for memories.

Takashi sighs out. He is tired. With all this running and worrying and rituals he didn't notice, but a good part of his energy's gone now.

"I'm tired. Let's go home, sensei", Natsume climbs on a silently offered back of the inugami, "I'll come here tomorrow, Mekoguro. Could you please prepare everything necessary for the commemoration? And, about your curse on my charge… " he asks the yokai. He doesn’t know if it is a usable practice for spirits, but he wants to say farewell to her as is just, and commemoration is a good choice for it, in his opinion.

"I will immediately take it away, my lord, and begin the preparations", Mekoguro bows.

Natsume sighs again. And this.

"We will talk about everything else later. For now, let's go".

Nyanko-sensei leaps towards the sky, and winds billow in his hair.

[goblin-gardens]

Gob Or Not? An Extremely Scientific Examination Of The Mighty Nein

A couple weeks ago, as an attempt to lure my friend Grim into Critical Role, I made a Goblin Inventory of the M9. this post is an updated survey of the team, slightly reformatted, mostly to be more accurate to my current understanding of the characters (as of Episode 58) and also funnier.

Abstract:

The goals of the initial report were two-fold. First, to examine the differences between being a member of the goblin species and Being Goblin, and second to determine whether Nott The Brave was truly the most Goblin of the group. The first findings showed that Nott scored a 40 out of 77 on the Goblin Scale, not an especially high score and far from the highest in the group. While the conclusions of this survey are not wildly different, the key to Science is repeating your experiments and coming up with not-exactly-identical findings, and doing this roughly a billion times and then you can say that you’re Probably Right (Most Of The Time).

The Goblin Quotient is determined by quantifying, on a scale of 0-11, how fully a person embodies each of the 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Goblins. These are, 1) Collection Of Crap, 2) Chaos, 3) Minionhood, 4) Gooey Center, 5) Laser Pointer Focus, 6) Furious Devotion, and 7) Hideous Cackling.

the full text of this very serious academic paper is under the cut and not behind a paywall.

1) Collection Of Crap

Top scorer, Caleb Widogast As a wizard, Caleb has purposefully immersed himself in Collecting. He is constantly filling his pockets with spell components including, but by no means limited to, sulfur, molasses, honeycomb, bits of copper wire, and literal bat shit. it’s all just. in his pockets. being slimy. Other Caleb Collections include: Books, Paper, Friends, Magic, and Pain. unfortunately, he still has not collected a fantasy therapist to help him KonMari some of it into healthier boxes. Nott’s new form has upped her Collecting habits, but this is a fundamental hobby of Veth’s. This quells some uncertainty about how much of this is truly Her. turns out, lots! (Runners up: Jester, with the animals and haversack of holding, Nott, with the buttons. Special mention: Fjord, with his balls.) Lowest Scorer, Yasha: a 6 of 11 ain’t shabby, but it’s not much compared to the others. This might be due to her having had less screen time, but she does tend to travel light.

Trait The Second) Chaos.

Top scorer, Jester Lavorre: The M9 are a pretty Chaotic group, but Jester is the only one who’s built a religion out of chaos. She’s a high priestess of drawing dicks on things. Her magic powers come from a divine mandate to fuck shit up. Pets (to which she has added Yarnball) up the chaos meter, and their virtually indestructible plot armor means they’re not going anywhere execpt maybe home wth Yeza. In general, Jester’s childhood in the Lavish Chateau was sort of like a pandora’s jack in the box getting wound tighter and tighter and tighter past all physical comprehension, and though the lid has been lifted, the spring is only just starting to sproing. we haven’t even reached the Zenith yet! After seeing some more of Veth and Yeza, it’s clear they’re not the most sedate of couples. Some eyebrows have definitely gotten singed in the Brenatto lab. However, since they aren’t the ones who burned it to the ground, a bit of Safe Science Techniques have to at least be assumed. (Runner up: Molly, with the egg dick incident) Lowest scorer, Beau: She’s not settling down, but she is… settling. Beau does her share of the check-ins, and has made the highest number of Agreements To Not Be Assholes Together. She might be in the running for mom friend??

C) Minionhood.

Top scorer, Fjord “No-Name” Swordvjore. In CR, goblins are not often leaders. They will work together to target weaker and easy opponents, but aren’t typically masterminds. They aren’t prone to individual heroism and rarely, if ever, go out of their way to save a friend. In their villages, little value is placed on familial relationships or education, they’re not big team players, and everyone has a terrible sense of humor. So how does Fjord factor into this? By showing the other side of the coin, like how tactics that don’t rely on using yourself as canon fodder are more successful, or like how the power of friendship and diverse skill sets makes your team stronger. Nott is not much of a follower, though she is an aggressive supporter. Though both these green kids were outcasts when they were younger, finding love with Yeza, stating a family and running a business has given Veth a strong sense of what she wants, and it’s not to be a leader or a follower. (runners up: Caduceus Clay, committed WildMinion and Jester, Travelerite) Lowest scorer, Caleb Widogast. He’s had his brush with Minionhood and the further and safer from it he feels, the more he wants revenge.

Four) Gooey Center Top scorer, Yasha Nydoorin. The Gooey Center is protected by a spiky, brittle, intimidating, crunchy, and/or off putting exterior.  Yasha is our big, scary, tenderhearted wlw. our giant soft-hearted, angelic, full-of-boiling-murderous-rage, lightning-punching, funeral-not-having runaway who loves her wife and makes us cry. she shaves her arms with her sword. she uses books in non-traditional ways. she vanishes into the night sometimes in a very mysterious and tragic manner. she is our most Romantic player character, and she is super ripped and super queer, which are all aspirational goblin qualities. in practice, most goblins connect with their gooey center by being squished by someone like Yasha, maybe with a giant hammer. Nott does more to protect others’ feelings than her own, really. Poking at her sore spots makes her stab at yours, but she’s pretty up front about how she feels. When actually fighting, she’s proven to be pretty adept at not being hit. (runners up: Caleb, glass canon with a very crunchy exterior, Fjord, known horc twunk, Caducues, mystery boy, and Molly, who rudely showed us just how how close that center can be to the surface) Lowest scorer: Nott! She’s actually…. Relatively well adjusted? Has emotional intelligence?

5️⃣) Laser Pointer Focus Top scorer: Caduceus Clay. Related to Minionhood, this is the aspect of Goblinry that the leader uses to achieve goals. the dogged focus of a True Goblin is powerful and direct, but can be redirected with the proper pressure or leadership, or lost when a cause or leader is not compelling enough or doesn’t provide adequate payment. the Laser Pointer Focus has an investigatory aspect as well, gathering little bits of info from every which way in moments, though the information gathered is rarely put to use immediately. Caduceus, who sees all but doesn’t always act on it, and is content to support the Nein and follow their meandering path to his goal, checks many of these boxes. Nott knows exactly what she wants in life, which is her old life. She knows how to get it, which is to keep Caleb alive until he can learn a powerful enough spell. The difference between her pursuit of her goal and Caduceus’s lies in the fact that this isn’t a Hero’s Quest for her, with no Tests of Character or Symbolic Goals set or arbitrated by an outside force. (runners up: Fjord, spiritually chasing a laser pointer at all times, Jester, whose laser pointer always points at chaos. Special mention: Frumpkin) Lowest scorer: Beau. Maybe she’s still figuring out what her driving forces are. She knows what they aren’t, but Not Being The Same Type Of Shitty As My Dad isn’t a full thesis. She’s dedicated to protecting her friends, but until we see exactly what it is that she defines herself in opposition to (ie. get that sweet sweet Loregard) her intentions might remain a bit fuzzy around the edges.

VI) Furious Devotion Top scorer: Beauregard Lionett. Also going hand in hand with Minionhood (Minionhood has two hands), this is the trait that makes goblins actually willing to die in battle against adventurers and town guards and shit. It doesn’t require any comfort with or willingness to follow authority, it’s the more feral side of love that is reigned in by Minionhood in true Goblins. this is the part of the Goblin that drives the Collecting of Crap because it genuinely loves all the shit it finds. Beau is a prime example of this trait, especially because as she gets more and more invested in a person or ideal, her willingness to let go, even in the face of likely death, decreases dramatically. see episode 55 for reference, among others. she also has a rather Goblinish inability to effectively communicate the depths of her feelings, though this is sort of an aspect of her defense of her Gooey Center and something she’s actively working on. Now here’s something Nott’s got. So much love. More love than can be contained by one family. Angry love, protective love, throw-all-the-dishes-on-the-floor-in-a-pile love. Draw the dragon’s attention so her friend she’s had for less than a day can get away love. She can and will sacrifice herself for the people she cares about. (runners up: Nott, whomst loves, Yasha, very good at using the Fury to pursue the Devotion, Jester, whose love is so powerful it brings people back from the dead, and Caleb, even less able to discuss his feelings than Beau) Lowest scorer: Fjord. This does NOT mean he doesn’t love his friends, or that he’s not sometimes very angry, but they aren’t connected. He’s still keeping everyone at arm’s length, tbh. Again, this is something that will be easier to judge with more backstory.

and finally 7) Hideous Cackling Top Score: Mollymauk Tealeaf. This is what a Goblin does when surveying their Collection of Crap and the Chaos they have caused. This is how they communicate with fellow Minions in the know, how they react to seeing someone else’s Gooey Center, to catching the Laser Pointer. This is the easiest way to express their feelings of Devotion. The Hideous Cackle of a True Goblin is un-selfconscious and entirely for the benefit of the Cackler. Cackling Hideously is an act of self love. You can find your goblin group by listening to the Discordant Chorus made by Cackling together, and when you’re all reveling in the cacophony, there you are. It’s a little hedonistic and a little punk and a little queer, disregarding conventional expectations of beauty or family or polite behavior, and all about diving deep into the things that you are and the things that make you happy. An extremely Molly philosophy, truth be told. Nott Cackles, sometimes. More since Yeza is back. Unclear whether this arc ending in safe Brenatto Boys will leave her more prone to Cackling, or if she’ll miss them and be too sad :( (runner up: Jester, gleeful agent of chaos) Lowest scorers: Caleb and Fjord. Part of their higher charisma is being careful with their words and presentation. A truly Hideous Cackle doesn’t have time to be self conscious.

And now, the rankings themselves!

Nott The Brave Collection of Crap– So. Many. Buttons.  10/11 Chaos– FLUFFERNUTTERRRRRRRRRR!  8/11 Minionhood– Eh. She’s more of a supporter than a follower.  3/11 Gooey Center–  She’s not particularly secretive about her feelings or opinions 4/11 Laser Pointer Focus–  Her main goals are all inwardly motivated and have not changed during the campaign.  3/11 Furious Devotion– Her love is extremely powerful.  10/11 Hideous Cackling– Reunited with her husband, she has felt freer to Cackle, she also seems to appreciate her current job a lot  6/11 total score: 44/77

Caleb Collection of Crap– keeps everything in his pockets except for his cat, which is in his heart.  11/11 Chaos– Absolutely creates it, and is starting to revel in it.  6/11 Minionhood– Formerly a Minion, he is now hellbent on the destruction of the System. Good for him.  0/11 Gooey Center– Easily smashed by any large or medium-sized hammer, but maintains staunch denial of inner Gooeyness.  8/11 Laser Pointer Focus– Has goal, will travel. Difficult to redirect.  5/11 Furious Devotion– Slow to accept his own devotion, but very committed once he has.  10/11 Hideous Cackling– Having friends and talking about his feelings is good for him. He’s getting better at this. 3/11 total score: 43/77

Yasha Collection of Crap– A whole book of pressed flowers!  6/11 Chaos– She doesn’t really revel in it :/.  5/11 Minionhood-- Serves a higher power and follows along the decisions of others in the group, even when not super enthused about them, like going to Xhorhas.  8/11 Gooey Center– All the Gooeyer for being well protected, and though her emotional walls are not the most formidable in the party, the amount of protected feeling was unexpected  11/11 Laser Pointer Focus– Loyal to two guides, the Stormlord and the M9, though the Stormlord can pull her easily away from the group.  9/11 Furious Devotion– Very very angry.  10/11 Hideous Cackling– Could stand to be a bit more open about it.  4/11 Total score: 53/77

Fjord Collection of Crap– Collection is limited in scope and volume, but high in Strangeness.  8/11 Chaos– a troublemaker, for sure and certain.  7/11 Minionhood– Literally A Minion right now, summons demonic minions on occasion.  11/11 Gooey Center– Desperately wants somebody, anybody, to tell him he’s doing a Good Job. Adamantly refuses to admit that.  8/11 Laser Pointer Focus– this man cannot resist pushing buttons, be they physical, emotional, or likely to end the word.  10/11 Furious Devotion– He is angry, but it’s not focused. To get more points here, he needs to be less angry at himself.  3/11 Hideous Cackling– too self conscious! loosen up! needs to Cackle in his own voice.  3/11 total score: 50/77

Beau Collection of Crap– Wants to know everything, is building a family. Some points lost for minimalist monk aesthetic.  8/11 Chaos– Aspiring member of Nott the Best Detective Agency, punches people to learn about them. BUT she is apparently a Voice Of Reason, which makes it harder. 4/11 Minionhood– would destroy me for even suggesting it.  1/11 Gooey Center– just! wants! everyone! to! get! along!  7/11 Laser Pointer Focus– Is becoming a moral compass?  2/11 Furious Devotion– JUST! WANTS! EVERYONE! TO! GET! ALONG!  11/11 Hideous Cackling– Tries too hard to be cool. Like yeah, she is cool, but she tries too hard to make sure people know.  5/11 total score: 38/77

Molly Collection of Crap– Behold the coat. 8/11 Chaos– He has that certain je ne se quois.  10/11 Minionhood– The Moonweaver in not a fan of her followers following anyone’s orders. also he has his own minions and doesn’t want them  3/11 Gooey Center-- Loves openly and without reservation. and also……………………  8/11 Laser Pointer Focus– Molly’s focus is loving his friends and knowing fuck all.  5/11 Furious Devotion– Found a tall sad lady and made his circus adopt her. gives money to orphans.  7/11 Hideous Cackling– Genuinely personified this action for two years.  11/11 total score: 52/77

Jester Collection of Crap– In addition to being the Holder Of The Bag, she also collects doughnuts and cool shit. While most of her random shit has potential uses, it’s also a whole lot of random shit. Some of its weasels.  10/11 Chaos– Spreading discord is a religious mandate for her. Her powers come from chaos.  11/11 Minionhood– A champion of the Yes And, she is more likely to voice her opinion of an existing plan than come up with her own. She is definitely a better minion than the Traveler’s other ONE.  10/11 Gooey Center– Physically well-defended, she has the luxury of wearing her heart on her sleeve. 6/11 Laser Pointer Focus– It might seem like she’s easily distracted, but that’s actually because her surface level attention is secondary. her primary goal is actually Fucking Shit Up, and she’s good at it. 7/11 Furious Devotion– Gets attached and does. not. let. go.  10/11 Hideous Cackling– The end goal of practically everything Jester does is Cackling With The Traveler, and she often succeeds.  10/11 total score: 64/77

Caduceus: Collection of Crap– Dude has a swarm of bugs living in his staff, and his backpack is full of tea.  8/11 Chaos– NOT a fan of stuff that disrupts the proper order of nature, but he is developing a wonderful and unique sense of humor. 5/11 Minionhood– Of all the M9, Caduceus has the strongest adherence to an ironclad and pre-written set of ethics and willingness to follow the path a greater power has laid out for him.  10/11 Gooey Center– Encourages everyone else to talk about their feelings, yet doesn’t talk about his own in the same way. Mysterious. 7/11 Laser Pointer Focus– Has a well-defined goal, but not a well defined path. 11/11 Furious Devotion-- You can’t be On A Quest To Save Your Home (And The World?) if you’re not devoted to your home. However we haven’t seen the fury? Structured devotion is different and not exactly Goblin. 5/11 Hideous Cackling– Cackling is a bit more intense than what he does, but he’s on the right track. 5/11 total score: 51/77

final ranking (out of 77)

38, Beau 👊

43, Caleb 🐱

44, Nott 🏹

50, Fjord 🗡️

51, Caduceus 🐞

52, Molly 🎴

53, Yasha ⚡

64, Jester 🦄

All in all, a pretty Goblin Group, and Nott, the only one who is physically a goblin, is not even in the middle of the pack. Clearly, true Goblin Spirit is something else all together. 

It seem that perhaps the True Goblin Was The Friends We Made Along The Way. also Jester.

[myfriendpokey]

Pacy Pacy Push

I wish I knew enough poetry to understand the significance of the line break, or whether that significance really did change over time as I imagine it did, in the transition from registering some shift of timing in a mostly oral tradition to being the more disembodied, ambiguous component of a textual one. I think especially of the gradual shift from the manual carriage-return of a typewriter into the return key, one which could sit along the keyboard with all the regular characters in a way which emphasized its interchangeability as a text-symbol with all the rest, being added to the list of combinatoric possibilities inherent in all those discrete little boxes. I don't know if poetry is now primarily a typographical convention but I think that's how most people currently grow fully aware of it for the first time - not by reading something but by playing around with the return key in some word processing tool, realising the hazy received image of "a poem" can be applied in ways which are real and surprising, realising that sometimes a couple of presses of the return key are enough to turn potentially any possible text into a new one which can be read in a different, potentially more intense way. The suddenness and arbitrariness of the break gives the sense that anything can be broken up into more or less interesting fragments, while the associations of the line break with other forms built to knit together such fragments (grocery lists, paraphrase books, newspaper columns, etc) suggests the same might be possible with all this new material. At once the sense of estrangement, of old material experienced in a new way and with new possibilities opened up, and  also the sense of reconciliation, of being able to re-house all the various scraps of attention and affect thrown up by everyday life in some new and durable structure, one which could continue to highlight their specificality while at the same time allowing them to be connected to other forms of experience and of being. Of course there might well be minor issues in practice, as you find the line break alone is not wholly sufficient to connect ALL forms of material in an interesting way without further refinement, but the shape of it is there, something simple enough but with enough potential that you could keep fine-tuning it forever, deeper and deeper without ever hitting the floor....

Since this is a videogames blog I will spare you having to wait for the inevitable segue into Platform Masters but I guess the value of a hobby-horse is that it can take you wherever you want. And I DO feel like there's a similarity, for me at least, when pacing and the weird things that happen to it in a game engine have been maybe the central motor that's kept me interested in this format... I think that "interactivity" occupies the same place for videogames as a line-break does in poetry, that they have approximately the same promise and appeal, and that the precise nature and consequence of that interactivity are of less import than the way that it's positioned when breaking up two blocks of content. In another form you have "ah, who's there?" followed by "help, i've been shot!" in a more or less relentless and implacable way, regardless of what kind of metaphorical or POV movements might happen in between. In videogames it's more like "ah, who's there?" followed by the yawning, unfillable gulf of disembodied time while you wait for the player to do something -- or like a space where time ordinarily would be, nothing passing, events happening but in such a modular and indefinitely reproducible manner that it's hard to link them to any actual sense of temporal movement -- just this blank, watchful abyss, as everything seems to hover in place, until you hit the button -- and only then, if you're lucky and whoever's playing it hasn't walked away, do you get "help, i've been shot!". It doesn't matter how brief the pause for input was between them - the fact that control over pacing was, for however brief a period of time, suddenly pulled from the fiction's internal structure and ceded to some exterior presence while the fiction itself sat there doggedly idling is enough to sever all sense of causality between the two events. They both happen, but are no longer connected in time - they float vaguely in the same vicinity as one another, but the order and relation in which they occur is now just a tentative preference among many. Anything touched by the dread hand of agency becomes slightly off, slightly jumbled as a presence - like in Kleist's essay on the marionette theatre, the slightest touch of selfconsciousness is enough to throw things out of whack. Something happens in the transition between timeframes, the game's internal clockwork pacing and that of the player, some hiccup of nonmeaning, which shifts the emphasis of everything around it - like the lines are all there but the cadence is different in a way that's difficult to fully anticipate. Everything takes an extra half a beat to sink in, all the dioramas you put together in the engine become shuffled slightly out of recognition, everything's held in suspense, if only for a second, half a second, before your eyes refocus and everything becomes just what you'd expect.  I think the way that different timeframes can intersect and play off each other - the internal sense of timing in a novel, say, or a pop song, versus that of lived experience - is an essential part of how they function as mind-expanding tools, as objects that refract or distort experience in ways which allow it to be grasped better as a thing in itself to examine and think about, and that the main formal pull of "interactivity" for me is the way it gives a whole new set of ways for one sense of time to fuck with and grind against another. I don't think the discrepancy itself has any great import or value to it but it's like that bit of grit inside a clam, the momentary irritation of which is enough to call forth all the snot of consciousness in the effort to contain and re-frame the invader. Dismantling recieved meanings is only part of the process - the second part is the interminable process of trying to connect them up again, in better and better ways, and the constantly expanding museum of failed prototypes that results is maybe a more accurate and interesting depiction of how the mind deals with the world than efforts at personal "soul searching" can ever truly stand to admit.

I'm interested in form in videogames but it's always form of a type that's always disavowed, which you could call the form of practice. I'm thinking about kids cracking open Game Maker or RPG Maker for the first time and discovering some basic effect that "works", that is compelling in some hazy and dubious way. It's fun to walk around the map as a little guy - great! How can I sustain that experience, how can I amplify it? Let's add more and different places where you can walk around, let's add text to give a compelling emotional arc to walking around, let's put in little setpieces to break up the walking around part so that it feels even more refreshing when you finally do get to walk around again. All recieved ideas pulled arbitrarily in from what's around you in the effort to plug some glaring void in the affective landscape, some experience you don't know how to deal with. Sometimes the indiscriminateness of the pieces thrown in can themselves lead to interesting or charming juxtapositions, but mostly it's not enough, and the question of form comes in again as a potentially infinite set of strategies not just for ordering and organizing some experience but also for trying to connect that experience to other conceptions of value, or experiences of the world, in a way which necessarily involves reconsidering those other conceptions and experiences in addition to whatever you were originally trying to draw out. I think that form is most interesting when it's most visible, and that it's most visible as a set of transitory Mouse Trap-esque attempts to outflank the unknown. Less the value of some specific form than the formal imagination in itself, as it multiplies some benign little experience into universes of alterity, block worlds, lava worlds, ice worlds, on and on... not some fundamentally illustrative attempt to use form to express some preexisting (usually banal) thesis but an approach that would make use of the material, external element of something existing as a work in itself to examine the sparks of thought that the brain throws off as it butts against a particularly recalcitrant wall, sparks which are rarely confined to the work itself but tend to seep into and mutate within other corners of the waking life. I think one of Jack King-Spooner's kickstarter updates around Dujanah was about a minigame where you battle your way to the top of a tower because "there's something satisfying about that kind of structure." I agree & think there's something about the image of this spectral tower, hovering in the plane of forms as a potential container and reshaper for anything and for for nothing in particular, which is more plaintive and more valuable than any more specific or metaphorical usage.

I guess this whole thing is an attempted answer to the famous "why is this even a game" perennial - not just to the idea that anything which doesn't revolve around "choice" (ideological buzzword of the Californian Ideology) is not sufficiently attentive to the properties of the medium in which it's working but also the idea that flatgames, visual novels, walking sims etc have to remain as mute "experiences" without any further formal or theoretical interest as structures. But I think part of it as well is that I don't feel very interested in any medium-specific criticism, or the effort to imagine some magical new feature in whatever format most interests you that has never before been seen in any of the other ones (the absence of which does not seem to have been missed particularly in the millenia of human experience before it was invented). I suspect that following computer games and VR and whatever else we'll start to see an uptick in the rate at which these new media are discovered from within the tech industry, and also an increase in the extent to which they're owned and controlled from the beginning by those interests, eager to demonstrate their total newness to the stockholders and to consequently throw under anything which doesn't stay on-brand. Maybe this is paranoid, but I'd appreciate an effort to de-value "the medium" a little bit, to undercut the idea that these magical alien formats somehow have some intrinsic property of value to mere human concerns (theatre is about... time! film is about... motion!) rather than that they're idiot, mute refractive materials which were pressganged into human usage according to both historical opportunity and the usual contradictory morass of motives within that. So I don't think the interactivity of videogames is very new or else that the dissonance provided by that interactivity is very new. Better to think of it like the carriage-return key: the sudden new emphasis on a property already latent, and the new accessibility of that property to bored and toying kids, waiting on chances to scheme.

[beescream]

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of 15) why did you start writing? 19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of uhh fuckign. im gonna have to think about this one, honestly. a lot of my writing is either porn or not finished. lemme look at what i have.

ok i just went thru all the current writing i have and realised im dissatisfied with all of it! so! there u go! heres a pretentious bit from something i havent posted yet and maybe never will (from Robin Hobb’s Realm Of The Elderlings fandom)

“At first, we were together and inseparable. It took us another age to learn to be who we were again. I do not describe it as a parting, as we were not sundered. We remain connected even now. All things are one, in the Skill. It was difficult to do it, as we were not certain we wanted to. This perfect joining was all we had ever desired, and the tiny glimpses of it that we had been allowed during our lives had only whetted our appetite. I do not think that it could have lasted forever, however. Or if it had, I feel almost that it would have been a waste - I was not as appreciative of the things I know now, that I knew then, but did not know I knew.

I write this and understand that it is incomprehensible, but I will still try to explain it. I will start from the first time we realised we were together, and not one. It happened like this.”

15) why did you start writing? writing in general? bc of school - we did a lot of creative writing stuff so that probably helped. my mum and dad read to me a lot and knew i had a good imagination so they probably encouraged me. in regards to fanfic I’d usually jokingly say it was so i could write my own porn but it was actually bc i loved fanfiction and i wanted to contribute! i was a teeny tiny harry potter fan and i loved the fic people wrote and wanted to write my own. soon learned not to tell my parents abt it bc they thought that my baby angst fics were hilarious and unintentionally made me super selfconscious about my writing :

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.?Oh this one’s easy! 

i don’t!

almost all of my fic is relatively short OR unfinished, focusing on character interaction and honestly usually it is pornography so not a LOT of plot going on there. and when i write outlines its usually a VERY basic plot outline - i usually dont write one at all. this is why my fic often go unfinished - bc i get like 2 chapters in and then get frustrated that i dont know how to get from the fic setup-y bits to the GOOD ACTION parts. and thus, shitty boring unfinished fanfic! hurray!

or porn. porn is my forté

[mythemeparklife-blog]

Underbite Surgery: My Trip to a New Look

I successfully underwent surgery to fix an underbite that I'd since I was born. While you can imagine, it had been an extremely lengthy process - one I'd to wait for until I had been at least 18; the jawbone keeps growing until that point, therefore surgery is out of the problem until that process is complete. While in the days and weeks resulting in the surgery, from the being nervous about this. I'd compulsively do research and study web forums to the subject. However, aside from the details and data, all I needed was a success story to create me excited about the whole thing; to enjoy the end of the tunnel, as opposed to seriously home about the trip there. That being said, here's my account - for folks who are often preparing for your procedure or interested in it. I was never terribly selfconscious regarding the underbite; it was only obvious from certain perspectives and that I never had any trouble chewing or eating. However, my orthodontist said it would not just be considered a cosmetic ordeal. She said that since my teeth were not aligned and achieving the right way, there was a chance that - years down the road - they'd begin to work and use eachother down. I may also have difficulty eating later on. By that time, it didn't take a lot more to tell me. The whole thing about my teeth wearing down made me worried and that I wasn’t likely to miss a much better look often. It took somewhat of a fight to really have the insurance provider jump on board while they saw the surgery as completely aesthetic. But fortunately in the end I had been able to get everything, except for braces, included. I was in braces for two years: one before surgery and something more afterwards. Most of the teeth were moved around beforehand so that they would fit when the top mouth was moved forward. Everything after was just finishing details and keeping them set up. Braces weren’t as bad as I anticipated. I got used to eating along with the overall feeling of them within the first two weeks. But there have been a few things which were somewhat of a pain inside the neck: I had to have some rather large caps placed on my molars for a few weeks. Once my teeth were close to wherever they must be, the hats were used to stop my bottom teeth from hitting the braces at the top. These were never painful, just annoying. The next pain in the neck was a pesky tooth that never grew in. This needed to show up ahead of the surgery, so I had a procedure performed where a little chain was mounted on the tooth. The idea was to use the braces to move the tooth up whilst the rest moved with their proper positions. What we didn’t know, however, was that the tooth had a hooked root - and therefore even as we were looking to pull it up out from the gum, it was taking the others of the teeth along with it. It’s form of hard to describe, however you can see what happened in the images below: Surgery Time!

There are two main varieties of procedures for fixing an underbite: a number of people should possess the upper jaw shifted forward, while others will have to have both the top and lower changed. Fortunately for me, I recently needed to have the top jaw done; I've noticed that the recovery process is much easier for that treatment. It is also completed without the additional scarring, that I was pleased to hear too. For curiosity’s reason, here is a video that describes the surgery. Bear in mind that my process just involved the upper jaw. I woke up early and hungry to visit the hospital. (I had to fast the evening before) Everything was really swift: they did a brief physical to ensure nothing had improved (weight, bloodpressure, etc) and that I was installed with the IV. A doctor appeared to describe precisely what would happen. Soon next, the nurse started the anesthesia and I was out within a few short minutes. Recovery I had been surprised with how easily everything recovered - inside and out. I'd say that for about per week or two I experienced some achiness, which made giving up solid foods much simpler - I don’t think that would be a pleasant experience. For about two months I was caught eating soft foods that I can eat and take with minimal work: yogurt, apple sauce, tiny bits of bread and treats and ground beef. Once I started to crave foods like fruit and foods, I got into the pattern of joining them into a mush which actually didn’t taste that bad. Pain The level of pain was one more thing that I had been very surprised with. Apart from the achiness, I really did not experience any high-level of pain or discomfort. Within the first couple of days, I got my pain pills instead nicely to remain ahead of it. I am sure that without them, I'd be hurting big style. I had been given 30 Percocets, lots over I needed. What I'd do is take 1-2 drugs every time I thought even the slightest bit of pain or distress; about the same because the recommended dosage on the bottle. Just like a precaution, I'd consider an additional using a glass of milk before sleep so I could sleep better. One of the most unpleasant part of the whole recovery process was about fourteen days following the surgery. I'd to return for the hospital to really have a checkup, therefore the doctor is able to see how everything was healing. When it got time to inspect the stitches, the nurse had to grow my top lip up - combined with healing incision near my upper jaw. That hurt like a daughter of the gun.

Swelling Not surprisingly, I experienced a little of swelling as a result of the surgery. The odd thing is the fact that I had been looking to view my face balloon up such as a fighter, however it was practically the exact same degree as after I had my wisdom teeth removed. I'd say that the swelling peaked across the third time and begun to dissolve within the next week. Another year later, I had my braces removed and I was finally done. I had been presented two retainers: a transparent one to wear throughout the day plus a metal one for night. I used them consistently for approximately 90 days. Today I will only wear the clear one for a time easily feel like my teeth are slightly out of place. Get to know more about Issaquah Bariatric Surgery Surgeons

[jedi-princess-rey-blog]

Underbite Surgery: My Quest to your New Smile

I successfully underwent surgery to fix an underbite that I had since I was created. When you can imagine, it had been a really lengthy process - one I had to wait for till I was at least 18; the jawbone continues to grow until that time, so surgery is out of the issue until that process is complete. While in the days and months resulting in the surgery, I remember being nervous about this. I would compulsively do research and examine internet forums about the subject. However, besides the facts and data, all I needed was successful story to make me excited about everything; to enjoy the conclusion of the tunnel, instead of seriously dwelling about the trip there. Having said that, here is my history - for individuals who are possibly planning for the treatment or curious about it. I was never really selfconscious concerning the underbite; it was just recognizable from certain perspectives and that I never had any trouble chewing or eating. However, my orthodontist said it would not only be a cosmetic challenge. She stated that since my teeth weren't aligned and achieving the proper way, there was the opportunity that - years down the street - they would begin to grind and use one another down. I may also have difficulties chewing in the future. By the period, it didn't take far more to convince me. The whole lot about my teeth wearing down made me worried and I wasn’t going to turn-down a better laugh often. It took somewhat of a battle to really have the insurance company jump on board because they saw the surgery as entirely cosmetic. But fortunately in the long run I had been able to acquire everything, except for braces, covered. I had been in braces for two years: one before surgery plus one more afterwards. Most of the teeth were moved around beforehand so they could suit once the top jaw was shifted forward. Everything after was just finishing details and keeping them in position. Braces weren’t as bad when I anticipated. I got used to eating along with the overall experience of these within the first two weeks. But there were two things that have been a bit of the pain within the neck: I'd to get some relatively bulky limits added to my molars for some weeks. Once my teeth were near wherever they needed to be, the limits were applied to stop my bottom teeth from reaching the braces on top. They were never unpleasant, just inconvenient. The 2nd pain in the neck was a pesky tooth that never grew in. This needed to show up prior to the surgery, and so I had a procedure performed where a little string was attached with the tooth. The concept was to utilize the braces to draw the tooth up because the rest moved for their proper positions. What we didn’t realize, however, was the tooth had a hooked origin - and thus as we were attempting to pull it up from the gum, it was dragging the remainder of tooth down with it. It’s form of difficult to illustrate, but you can see what happened inside the pictures below: Surgery Time!

There are two major forms of processes for fixing an underbite: many people should possess the upper jaw shifted forward, although some will have to have both the top and lower shifted. Luckily for me, I simply needed to really have the top jaw completed; I have seen that the healing process is significantly easier for that treatment. It is also performed with no additional scarring, which I was very happy to hear too. For curiosity’s welfare, this is a video that explains the surgery. Take into account that my treatment only included the upper jaw. I woke up early and eager to visit the hospital. (I'd to fast the evening before) Everything was very rapid: they did a short physical to make sure nothing had improved (fat, blood pressure, etc) and I was hooked up using an IV. The physician came to describe everything that would definitely happen. Soon next, the nurse began the anesthesia and I had been out within a few short minutes. Recovery I had been surprised with how easily everything relieved - inside and out. I'd say that for approximately per week or two I experienced some achiness, which made stopping solid foods easier - I don’t think that will be a pleasant experience. For approximately 8 weeks I was caught eating soft foods that I can eat and swallow with minimal energy: yogurt, apple sauce, small bits of bread and treats and ground beef. Once I began to require foods like fruit and foods, I experienced the pattern of mixing them into a mush which in fact didn’t taste that bad. Pain The amount of pain was another thing that I had been very surprised with. Besides the achiness, I truly didn't encounter any advanced level of pain or discomfort. Inside the first couple of days, I took my pain pills rather generously to remain ahead of it. I am sure without them, I would be hurting bigtime. I was given 30 Percocets, plenty more than I needed. What I'd do is take 1-2 drugs everytime I thought even the slightest bit of pain or discomfort; about the same while the recommended dose on the bottle. Just as a provision, I'd take yet another with a glass of milk before bed and so I can sleep better. One of the most painful area of the whole healing procedure was about fourteen days after the surgery. I'd to go back to the hospital to have a checkup, hence the physician can easily see how everything was healing. While it got time to inspect the stitches, the nurse had to stretch my top lip up - combined with the healing incision near my upper jaw. That hurt like a son of the gun.

Swelling Not surprisingly, I experienced a little of swelling consequently of the surgery. The weird thing is that I had been looking to view my face balloon up just like a boxer, but it was nearly the same degree as after I had my wisdom teeth removed. I'd say that the swelling peaked around the third time and started to dissipate within the next week. Another year later, I had my braces removed and I was finally done. I was given two retainers: an obvious one to use during the day plus a material one for night. I wore them consistently for about 90 days. Today I'll just wear the clear one to get a day basically feel like my teeth are slightly out of place. Get to know more about Issaquah Bariatric Surgery

[stationzer0-blog]

Underbite Surgery: My Journey to your New Look

I successfully underwent surgery to repair an underbite that I'd since I was born. While you can imagine, it had been a really lengthy process - one I had to attend for till I was atleast 18; the jawbone continues to grow until that time, so surgery has gone out of the issue until that process is complete. Within the times and months resulting in the surgery, I remember being worried about this. I would compulsively do research and examine internet forums on the topic. However, aside from the facts and research, all I needed was a success story to make me excited about the whole thing; to enjoy the conclusion of the tube, rather than seriously house around the trip there. Having said that, listed here is my story - for individuals who are either planning for your method or interested in it. I was never very selfconscious about the underbite; it was only recognizable from certain angles and I never had any difficulty chewing or eating. However, my orthodontist explained it'd not merely be a cosmetic challenge. She said that because my teeth weren't arranged and meeting the right way, there was an opportunity that - years down the street - they would begin to work and use each other down. I could also have difficulty eating later on. By the period, it did not take a whole lot more to tell me. Everything about my teeth wearing down made me worried and I wasn’t going to turn down an improved smile either. It took a little of a battle to have the insurance carrier join board as they saw the surgery as completely aesthetic. But fortunately in the end I was able to get everything, aside from braces, included. I was in braces for two years: one before surgery and one more afterwards. The majority of the teeth were moved around beforehand so they could fit after the top mouth was shifted forward. Everything after was just finishing touches and maintaining them in position. Braces weren’t as bad as I expected. I got used to eating as well as the general experience of them inside the first two weeks. But there have been a few things that have been a little of the pain in the neck: I'd to get some fairly heavy caps added to my molars for some weeks. Once my teeth were near wherever they needed to be, the limits were used to stop my bottom teeth from hitting the braces on top. They were never unpleasant, just annoying. The 2nd pain in the throat was a pesky tooth that never grew in. This had a need to come up before the surgery, so I had a procedure performed the place where a small string was attached with the tooth. The theory was to utilize the braces to draw the tooth up since the remainder moved with their proper positions. What we didn’t realize, however, was the tooth had a hooked origin - meaning that as we were trying to pull it up out from the gum, it was dragging the remainder of the teeth along with it. It’s form of difficult to identify, but you can easily see what happened inside the photos below: Surgery Time!

There are two major forms of processes for solving an underbite: some individuals should have the upper jaw shifted forward, while others will have to have the upper and lower altered. Luckily for me, I recently needed to really have the top jaw done; I have observed that the healing process is much easier for that process. It is also performed without any external scarring, that we was pleased to hear as well. For curiosity’s cause, here is a movie that explains the surgery. Take into account that my procedure just involved the upper jaw. I woke up early and eager to visit the hospital. (I had to rapidly the night before) Everything was very rapid: they did a short physical to make sure nothing had improved (fat, bloodpressure, etc) and that I was attached with the IV. The doctor appeared to explain everything that would definitely happen. Soon after that, the nurse started the anesthesia and I had been out inside a few short minutes. Recovery I had been surprised with how quickly everything healed - inside and out. I'd say that for around per week or two I experienced some achiness, which made quitting solid foods easier - I don’t believe would be a pleasant experience. For around 8 weeks I was caught eating soft foods that I could eat and take with minimal effort: yogurt, apple sauce, tiny bits of bread and muffins and ground beef. Once I began to crave foods like fruit and foods, I got into the habit of blending them into a mush that actually didn’t taste that bad. Pain The degree of pain was yet another thing that I was very surprised with. Aside from the achiness, I truly didn't encounter any advanced level of pain or discomfort. Within the first few days, I got my pain drugs instead generously to remain ahead of it. I am sure that without them, I'd be hurting big style. I had been given 30 Percocets, lots greater than I needed. What I'd do is take 1-2 pills each time I thought even the slightest little pain or distress; comparable while the recommended serving to the package. Just like a provision, I would take one more having a glass of milk before bed and so I can sleep better. One of the most painful part of the entire restoration procedure was about fourteen days following the surgery. I had to go back towards the clinic to really have a checkup, therefore the doctor can easily see how everything was healing. When it got time to examine the stitches, the nurse had to extend my top lip up - combined with healing incision near my upper jaw. That hurt such as a daughter of a gun.

Swelling As expected, I experienced a bit of swelling consequently of the surgery. The odd thing is that I had been hoping to watch my face balloon up like a boxer, however it was almost the exact same amount as once I had my wisdom teeth removed. I would say that the swelling peaked around the third time and begun to dissolve within the second week. Another year later, I had my braces removed and that I was finally done. I had been given two retainers: a definite anyone to wear throughout the day along with a material one for night. I used them religiously for approximately 90 days. Nowadays I will simply wear the obvious one to get a time if I feel like my teeth are slightly from alignment. Become familiar with more about Issaquah Bariatric

[lostamongthesheeep-blog]

Underbite Surgery: My Quest into a New Look

I successfully underwent surgery to repair an underbite that I'd since I was born. When you can imagine, it had been a very lengthy process - one I'd to attend for till I had been atleast 18; the jawbone keeps growing until the period, so surgery has gone out of the issue until that process is complete. Inside the times and days resulting in the surgery, I recall being nervous about it. I'd compulsively do research and study internet forums on the topic. However, besides the facts and data, all I needed was successful story to make me excited about everything; to look forward to the end of the tunnel, as opposed to anxiously residence about the trip there. With that said, listed here is my story - for people who are either planning for the method or interested in it. I was never terribly selfconscious concerning the underbite; it was just visible from certain aspects and that I never had any difficulty chewing or eating. However, my orthodontist told me it'd not just become a cosmetic ordeal. She said that because my teeth were not arranged and achieving the right way, there is an opportunity that - years down the road - they would commence to grind and use each other down. I could also have difficulty chewing in the foreseeable future. By that time, it did not take far more to tell me. The whole thing about my teeth wearing down made me anxious and that I wasn’t planning to turn-down a much better look either. It took a little of a battle to really have the insurance company jump on board while they found the surgery as entirely aesthetic. But fortunately ultimately I had been able to get everything, aside from braces, included. I was in braces for two decades: one before surgery and something more afterwards. All of the teeth were moved around beforehand so they could match after the top mouth was shifted forward. Everything after was just finishing touches and maintaining them in position. Braces weren’t as bad when I expected. I got used to eating along with the overall feeling of these inside the first two weeks. But there have been a few things that were somewhat of the pain inside the neck: I had to get some rather large caps placed on my molars for a couple days. Once my teeth were near to wherever they must be, the caps were applied to avoid my bottom teeth from reaching the braces on the top. These were never uncomfortable, just inconvenient. The 2nd pain within the throat was a annoying tooth that never grew in. This needed to come up ahead of the surgery, therefore I had a process performed in which a small sequence was mounted on the tooth. The concept was to utilize the braces to draw the tooth up since the remainder moved to their correct positions. What we didn’t understand, however, was that the tooth had a hooked root - and therefore even as we were wanting to draw it up out from the gum, it was dragging the others of the teeth along with it. It’s sort of difficult to identify, however, you can easily see what happened in the photos below: Surgery Time!

There are two main varieties of techniques for solving an underbite: some individuals will need to have the upper jaw shifted forward, while others will need to have both top and lower altered. Luckily for me, I recently needed to have the top jaw completed; I've noticed that the restoration process is significantly easier for that procedure. It's also accomplished without the external scarring, which I was pleased to hear aswell. For curiosity’s reason, this is a video that explains the surgery. Take into account that my treatment only involved the upper jaw. I woke up early and keen to check out the hospital. (I'd to quickly the evening before) Everything was really fast: they did a short physical to make sure nothing had changed (weight, bloodpressure, etc) and that I was installed having an IV. The physician appeared to explain exactly what was going to happen. Not long next, the nurse started the anesthesia and I had been out in just a few short minutes. Recovery I was surprised with how quickly everything relieved - inside and out. I would say that for around a week or two I experienced some achiness, which produced stopping solid foods much simpler - I don’t believe that will be a pleasant experience. For around 8 weeks I had been caught eating soft foods that I can eat and take with minimal work: yogurt, apple sauce, little items of bread and treats and ground beef. Once I started to crave foods like fruit and foods, I experienced the behavior of blending them into a mush which actually didn’t taste that bad. Pain The degree of pain was one more thing that I was very surprised with. Apart from the achiness, I really didn't encounter any high-level of pain or discomfort. Within the first few days, I got my pain drugs rather nicely to remain ahead of it. I am sure without them, I would be hurting big time. I was given 30 Percocets, plenty greater than I needed. What I'd do is take 1-2 pills everytime I felt even the slightest little pain or discomfort; about the same while the recommended dose about the package. Equally as a provision, I'd take one more having a glass of milk before bed so I can sleep better. The most unpleasant area of the overall recovery process was about two weeks after the surgery. I'd to go back for the clinic to have a checkup, so the physician can see how everything was healing. When it came time to inspect the stitches, the nurse needed to expand my top top up - combined with the healing incision near my upper jaw. That hurt just like a daughter of the gun.

Swelling Not surprisingly, I experienced a bit of swelling as a result of the surgery. The odd thing is that I was looking to watch my face balloon up just like a boxer, but it was virtually the same degree as once I had my wisdom teeth removed. I'd say the swelling peaked across the next day and began to dissolve within the next week. Another year later, I'd my braces removed and I was finally done. I was given two retainers: a transparent one to use during the day and a steel one for night. I wore them consistently for approximately 3 months. Nowadays I will only use the clear one for a day basically feel like my teeth are slightly from place. Get acquainted with more about Issaquah Bariatric Double Jaw Surgery

[inversemermaid]

08/03/2017

It’s getting bad again. So I decided to make another blog.

The picture on the left shows my hair as it is today. Towards the end of last year it was (a few very small patches aside) fine. If shorter than I’d have liked. Even a month ago it was a lot better. Yesterday I buzz cut most of it. The gaps were just too big.

What went wrong? I had a few bad things happen in my personal life. By a few things I mean a few really important (to me) things. Don’t ask. They’re as sorted out now as they can be. I was doing really well but I crumbled under pressure. I’m trying to not to be too hard on myself.

What am I doing about it? I’ve signed up for a clinical trial re anxiety. I’m taking my antianxiety meds again (not really psychotropics, just purely to keep my anxiety down). Today I’m taking them and 2,400mg n-acytyl cysteine, 500mg l-tyrosine, and 300mg 5htp. The picture on the right shows my wig. I dug out the last wig I wore and am wearing it until I order a new one (to keep my hands off my head). I feel selfconscious (people have occasionally said things about it, sometimes through insensitivity and sometimes through malice, and I hate it when that happens because it makes me feel very visible and vulnerable), but if I have to choose between saving what remains of my hair and potentially being upset by people’s insensitivity/malice, then which am I going to choose, huh?