#not my best work if I'm being honest
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Bit (2019) - Queer Reclamation of Stolen Youth
CW: Blood
Bit is a 2019 movie written and directed by Brad Michael Elmore and starring transgender actress Nicole Maines. The story follows a young transgender woman named Laurel visiting her brother in California and being recruited to join a women's only gang of queer vampires.
A group that is ruled strictly by a rigid rule set.
The very first scene makes this clear, introducing the leader of the gang, "full blown fucking dyke" Duke, as she kills a freshly turned male vampire and sentences one of her gang's members to a year in "the hole" for attempting to add a boy to their ranks.
They must all adhere to their 3 rules of operation. The final and most important being:
"No fucking boys." That is to say no boys are allowed to be included in their group... but the literal read is also true. Lesbians only.
The story begins in earnest with the introduction of a main character having just graduated high school in a rural town and about to travel down to spend the summer in LA with her older brother.
During her first scene at a graduation party a drunk classmate approaches her to tell her how brave she is and she retreats to spend a moment with Andy, her sole friend, who implies an attraction to her brother and admonishes her for abandoning him, saying that she is never going to return and that when she finds her people she will likely forget about him.
The movie knows it is queer media for a queer audience. For how much the entire movie is about LGBT themes it often is kind enough to leave things implied. Andy is Laurel's gay best friend in high school and the two of them rely on one another as the only source of queer community in their environment. Andy sees Laurel escaping as abandonment because he knows all too well that she will get a taste of the progressive lifestyle in LA and will never return to their pacific northwest town to go back to masking and hiding. He knows their friendship is over, even if Laurel doesn't yet.
All too often it happens. People never expect it at first but when someone finds their community, their people it becomes impossible to remain in the ponds and pools they were once in. T4T relationships work so effortlessly because there's an entire rich inner language that we have from common experiences that are so difficult to translate to cis friends and yet are inherently understood by others who have lived it. It's not just safety in community it is understanding.
All of this is communicated through vibes. All Andy directly says is "you're going to meet interesting people and you're going to forget about me" and his homosexuality is revealed through a flirtatious comment about Laurel's brother.
Laurel's gender identity itself is only addressed through implications (like hiding her larynx with a shoelace choker that gets mentioned in dialogue a few times) or roundabout statements. The word "trans" is never uttered once in the film.
"Men can't handle power. They have it already and look at what they've done with it." "What about me. [I'm transgender]" "Never even crossed my mind."
"I just wanna say-- what you've done [coming out as transgender] is just so cool."
"People aren't going to be patronizing [about me being transgender], are they?" "People aren't like that here. As much."
"I never stood in the way of you becoming who you are [transgender] but it turns out who you are is a selfish bitch."
I have watched this movie with people who did not realize that either Laurel or her actress Nicole Maines were transgender. I cannot understand how they couldn't see it but they couldn't.
On her first night in LA she goes out to a club to see a rock concert. The movie shows Laurel is defensive, getting violent with someone who invades her personal space and she spots someone (a vampire hunter who suspects her of being in the coven) starring her down. The movie is putting us in the mindspace of a young transgender woman in a new space unable to detect threats. She feels like she is being clocked and targeted by everyone around her.
It's not until one of the vampire gang approaches her that she is able to lighten up. In dialogue they imply recognizing her as queer with "you're not from around here, I can just tell" style dialogue. Laurel is quick to allow herself to be taken away to the vampire's hideout where she gets to be with her people for the first time.
To avoid this being one of those "I just sum up the movie with no analysis" posts I'll trust that those who are intrigued will watch the film and get to the point.
Laurel is fed upon by one of the lesbian vampires and before the kill can happen Duke, the leader, stops it and allows Laurel to complete the transformation into a vampire because she "reminds me of someone I used to know"
She is referring to herself.
A time when she, a 15 year old lesbian, ran away from her midwest home to NYC to find queer community. She notes that even homeless and performing sex work opposed to her preferences, she was happier because she was living free and as herself. She learned how to thrive.
Duke sees in Laurel the same thing she herself lived in the 1970s, directly tying the socio-political landscape of gay youth of the time with trans youth of the modern era. Watching over their shoulder, fearing being targeted, unable to exist comfortably without the safety and understanding of community.
She says it very directly in her pitch to Laurel while inviting her to join the "V-Club"
"We're politically, socially and mythologically fucked. Our roles are secondary. Our body's suspect, alien, other. We're made to be monstrous so let's be monsters. [...] What we offer is not the chance to join a group but to truly be an individual."
The issue of course is, when Duke tells her backstory, she suffered and gained her identity through pain and hardship. She fought to survive and eventually learned how to thrive and then... against her wishes, against her consent... she was slammed back into the closet.
A powerful vampire, Vlad, singled her out and circumvented her agency and made her one of his brides. For decades Duke was stuck living a heteronormative life, having accessed her truth and her community and then been kept away from it.
"It was like I was trapped in my own body. I was aware of who I was, who I used to be, but I could do nothing about it."
After managing to escape from this life Duke seals Vlad's heart and begins to consume it bit by bit.
There is 100% a valid reading of this movie where Duke is a repressed transmasc lesbian. She fears consuming all of Vlad's heart because she fears it will make her "like him" but she is addicted to the power and agency that she feels from consuming him. We later learn that she has been doing to her gang what Vlad did to her.
Duke is terrified of becoming a man and rejects those aspects of herself while continually indulging them. Moralizing on how evil the version of masculinity she perceives in the world is while engaging in those acts herself.
Someone with better media literacy than I would be able to do a fuller read of that.
But the read I focus on is this one:
Duke's youth was stolen from her as she was forced to live a closeted life of abuse by a domineering man and she projects her wishes for those stolen years into how she lives and how she views others. She directly controls the minds of her gang in order to maintain a safe life buffered by stolen power and lashing out at men who remind her in any way of her abuser.
In robbing her group of their agency and pushing them to agree with her, the pain and hatred that she feels becomes that of the entire group. Their sympathies to men are overruled and the space remains closed off and combative. Insular.
She wishes to continue living the highs of her first taste of agency in her life while robbing those around her of theirs. Through fear and a certainty of being right she has effectively become the very thing she despises.
Meanwhile, Laurel, finally living with her community, abandons her roots and neglects the portions of her life that do not relate to her new community which causes her gay best friend to attempt suicide (I do not condone the movie's attempt to make Laurel responsible for this, mind, we have severe issues with any attempt to frame suicide attempts as the responsibility of anyone but the person attempting) and directly nearly kills her brother.
The movie is very much about the vulnerability of solitary queer individuals and the power and comfort that we gain from banding together and finding community but also about how we must not emulate the abusive power structures that we escape from in our quest to find safety in our identities.
It's important that Duke is a hypocrite. The three rules are:
Never glamour another vampire.
Always kill what you eat.
No fucking boys
It's no coincidence that the first rule is not to glamour another vampire. It's how Vlad controlled Duke for decades. She should never wish that fate on anyone else and yet she is so terrified of losing that which she has earned but also because she was terrified of others losing that which they had earned "I did it to make it easier to help you." she says. Her insecurities are projected onto the group and become their dogma.
Duke isn't wrong for her hatred or her fear. She is wrong for not trusting her allies, she's wrong for forcing her beliefs, she is wrong for being the sole arbiter of who is an acceptable member of their community and who is not.
The movie ends with Laurel noting that she pictures a world where everyone is a vampire because then they could all figure their shit out. That people who have power tend to jealousy guard it for themselves but power can and should be shared.
The final scene involves the new vampire group collectively taking portions of Vlad's heart and consuming his power.
Single points of failure are rampant within any community. When a single figure is held up as the entire basis of a group then removing them or discrediting them will always destroy the safety of the space. This is true in every community but it's heartbreaking when it's true in queer spaces.
One person should never be calling all the shots, making their biases become collective prejudice or their traumas become the realities of all within the safety. We all have stories. We all have truths. We all have realities which we need to share and receive acknowledgement and comfort for.
Vulnerable groups should band together and insular thinking will destroy us if we let it.
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The movie isn't the best by anyone's standards.
But damn if the movie isn't a rare piece of queer media that isn't made for a cis audience. I'll always hype up something like that and make sure it reaches more eyes.
#dawn posting#bit (2019)#vampires#queer media#trans media#this is my gender and I am proud of it#cammie likes vampires#lesbian vampires#trans vampires#just vampires in general really#media essays#not my best work if I'm being honest#this movie doesn't have a lot to sink one's teeth into#but I felt like typing and the movie was on my mind
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cold fruit in a hot kitchen (so i had this great watermelon last weekend)
#so I had this great watermelon last weekend. and the thing is it probably wasn't even that great of a watermelon#but I was four hours into an eight hour shift and we had thrown out all the watermelon salad because no one was eating it#and then our manager ran in and yelled that the client really fucking wanted watermelon salad.#so like six of us servers started frantically chopping watermelon. and the kitchen got really hot#in the way it does when everyone inside it is really stressed because there's no fucking watermelon salad#and after we chopped all the watermelon and the client got their fucking watermelon we all had a moment#where we looked at the remaining watermelon and we were so hot and cocktail hour was almost over anyway and the salads were all plated#and we all went for the watermelon and we ate it with the kind of rabid intensity you only get while eating cold watermelon in a hot kitche#and it was the best watermelon I have ever tasted and several days later i am still chasing the high of that fucking watermelon#and the thing is i know it isn't even the watermelon i'm actually missing#it's the feeling of cool liquid on hot skin and the feeling of a crisis averted and the feeling of camaraderie#that comes with devouring a watermelon in a hot kitchen with six other people who you have nothing in common with except that watermelon.#i don't dream of labor but i am dreaming now of being 4 hours into an eight hour shift eating watermelon in a hot kitchen.#i dream of laughing around the cold fruit in my mouth. I crave that watermelon like i'll die without it.#< honest to god this is real and that watermelon left such an impact on me that i had to draw it and write this. having a normal one#maybe this is insane but working in a team of people you truly like to do something you actually enjoy is so underrated#if only they fucking paid me i could work as a server for the rest of my life. unironically#skribbles
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My favorite works in no particular order:
Tipsy Tales (Anemo Boys)
Symbiosis (Ayato)
What Destiny Has Brought (Fischl)
Hello How Are You (Gorou)
Follow the Wind II (Kazuha)
Of the Same Coin (Mika)
Songs of the Wind (Venti)
Nothing Lasts Forever (Yae Miko)
Sharing a Drink They Call Loneliness (Zhongli)
Of Hopes and Prayers (Zhongli)
#about me#it actually is a coincidence that majority are from different characters and not the same#so in like manner as another list i gave a while back i shall give fun facts about each#tipsy tales - one day i will update the post to include wanderer and will not tell anyone or reblog it#symbiosis - one of my favorite readers. i just like the way they speak. i dont have a full story planned for them as of yet#what destiny has brought - in truth i cannot stand fischl. she annoys me. i only wrote this bc i wanted her to stop being so delusional#hello how are you - tbh i only like this bc i think i absolutely nailed the voice and characterization. one day i will write a sequel#follow the wind ii - probably my all time favorite work. features one of the few kisses i have ever written.#(cont) but it cant be understood without reading the first chapter and my thoughts on kazuha as a character#of the same coin - i'll be honest i just think this is cute. i think this fic has one of my highest reblog to notes ratios#songs of the wind - the vibes are good with this one. like the first chapter has good vibes but this chapter is even better. very warm#nothing lasts forever - i wanted to write yae in a moment of weakness. i think i did a good job#sharing a drink they call loneliness - the amateurness of the writing now makes me wince but.... the catharsis and ending is still top notch#(cont) i had a point i wanted to make with this fic and smashed it out of the ballpark#of hopes and dreams - probably the most romantic fic in the series and its a deleted scene lmao. still like how i wrote it though#i forgot to say that these arent necessarily my best written fics#they're just the fics i personally like the best#honorable mentions are:#telling them off (ayato)#completely covered in red (ayato)#simple (alhaitham)#follow the wind i (another one i completely nailed the voice and characterization for in my humble opinion)#secret identities and whatnot (venti/xiao)#indulgence (wriothesley)#slitherer-outer (zhongli)#i know i'm kinda feeling myself in this post but nobody is gonna read it anyway except for u slo so i'm fine with that <3
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i have to wonder what super hardcore militant vegans think should be done about obligate carnivore animals, because in all my painfully-rapidly-approaching-30-years i've literally never actually seen anyone give a clear consistent much less halfway feasible answer on that
#mostly i've just seen like “how dare you ask questions you just want an excuse to murder you're sealioning ect”#or worse some vague and wildly improbable nonsense about like. fake robot animals covered in beyond meat or something equally convoluted#which is a thing i did see someone suggest as a serious answer#i mean i already know they think i'm a genetically inferior hateful vampire that should starve to death for the greater good#because my exact combination of health conditions make meat basically the only semi-safe way i can get close to enough nutrients#i know this because they have repeatedly told me that i'm either evil or should be sacrificed or both#and yelled at me for asking questions by bringing up the whole disabled thing and then they're like#“a lot of vegans i know are advocates for disability!” as if that ever means jack shit in the society that results from anything#no matter what you do a vast majority of people in any given society will *not* be advocates for the disabled. i'm sorry they just won't.#and what do you think public perception of people who physically can't survive like that is going to skew towards#in a society founded on the belief that non-vegan diets are evil?#at absolute best we're looking at being a heavily marginalized class generally seen as something like vampires and our existences taboo.#(as if these type's own insistence that they should be allowed to harass and shame people doesn't disprove their assertion that we won't be#thinking it could possibly go any better than that is a fucking fairy tale. human nature doesn't work that way.#you simply cannot eliminate the human desire to designate and abuse a class of have-nots. the absolute best you can do is mitigate damage.#take it from someone who's been multiple kinds of disabled and chronically ill all my life. people will not “just”. ever.#i get this even from people who are otherwise very aware of and VERY GOOD at avoiding this sort of thinking#“i'm a disability advocate!” no you are not. you are a poster. my experience has taught me that what people advocate for in their free time#means precisely jack shit for how they will actually act when faced with the situations they make otherwise rational posts about#and the fact of the matter is even if you somehow really are the perfect disability advocate a majority of people WILL NOT BE YOU.#a majority of people in society will be margrat from accounting who clutches her pearls when she sees the gays and thinks autism isnt real#and who has never had a nuanced thought in her life and actively does not want to#a vast majority of people in your Vegan Utopia will not be you and your friends who march with wheelchair users and volunteer at the shelte#a vast majority of people in your Vegan Utopia will be jenny who starved 8 cats to death on broccoli because she can't be bothered#and who thinks that “carnivores” are actual nazis and don't deserve healthcare because she saw someone say that online.#ALWAYS assume your society will be made up mostly of the worst kind of person it can because it WILL ALWAYS BE TRUE and you can't change it#most people seek the low-effort option. and evil is most often banal and low-effort.#i'm just so fucking tired of every single even vaguely lefty-adjacent political movement simultaneously acting like i don't fucking exist#and at the same time that i need to be sacrificed to achieve Utopia. god. at least conservative whackjobs are upfront and honest about#how they think that i'm a burden on society that needs to be Eugenics'd . rather than trying to morally gaslight me about it.
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at the risk of the person I am talking about seeing it. I am going to vaguepost on tumblr.com lol
there's someone on ao3 straight copy-pasting my fanfic After the Sunset and changing the POV, and you know what. I can't even be mad about it.
There's honestly.... A lot more than this, even if most of it is original, this is just what stood out to me the most because like. Hey. That was my idea. The other stuff was generic ghiralink/skyward sword (even if it was my exact wording) but like.... I can't be mad, I straight up copy pasted from the game in this fic. I don't even like my own writing, but this made me feel better about it tbh. I kind of think the author is either younger or their first language isn't English, especially because for some reason Gaepora's name is Robert? In this fic?
But also if you happen across this fic don't attack them, I'd rather not say anything directly to them, I'm a little annoyed and definitely would if it was writing I liked more, but also.... I 100% admitted I copied from the game, and don't really care about Sunset enough to be upset so. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#mostly I'm mad they didn't even copy the best parts#how are you going to steal my writing and not even commit to the bit. don't cut out the part with hylia. coward.#it's kind of funny if I'm being honest#what I AM mad about it that they didn't even leave comments/kudos on the fic they copied from >:(#'imitation is the highest form of flattery' and 'no art is original' and all that#now I WOULD be pissed if someone took my stuff and used it in AI. steal it yourself bitch!!! at least do some work!!#this is JUST like sappho and catullus. im sappho
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just read the lobotomy fic and i adore the way you write all the characters. i relate to tim already but the way you write him was like you lobotomies me and out my brain guts on the page. please tell me you have more
thank you so much! i'm glad you loved it! it's delightful to know the fic was... immersive in that was, lol. it was fun to write!
i do have other dead dove fics you can find on my masterlist here, but that fic is the only lobotomy fic i have. i have plans for a lot more dead dove-esque fics i'm working on to come out hopefully soonish, though none of them are going to feature lobotomies. i might add more to that fic though, i've got some ideas i want to explore, but there's so many other things i'm working on first. i have a whole rough schedule of fics to work on. but if people really like the lobotomy fic™ i can definitely prioritize writing more for the universe! or other lobotomy fics in general, i've got some other vague ideas in that vein.
#necrotic answerings#kindly praise#we would sell anything just to buy who we're not#of all my fics it's funny and flattering the lobotomy one is doing shockingly well#like not just getting a lot of comments and kudos#but getting very in depth praise that's well thought out#i'll be honest I did NOT know people went this hard for lobotomy stuff.#i feel like i cracked open a whole world i didn't know about#i didn't even have a lobotomy kink when i wrote it i was just inspired by the boys#but fuck it i'll gladly serve the people#if anyone is curious#i'm working on a damian/dick crack fic rn for a kinkmeme fill#after that i'll work on a helena/steph fic that has some teacher/student vibes#then i wanna do a completionist run of omega!dick week with a variety of ships#and i've also got a jason/tim idea about the matching throat scars running around#hm what else#oh yeah a prudence/tim fic for a prompt fill as well#i've been tempted to make a like checklist type post showing what i'm working on and what's being planned and all#but i worry that would come across *incredibly* boring and annoying so i keep it to myself#but i do have a detailed list in my document#anyway ty sm for this anon you're so sweet and i love that this fic has scratched the itch for so many ppl#honestly the best praise you can get is when the kinnies approve of your characterization
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think i'm leaning into the anger stage of grief like why did all those people i opened up to get to just do whatever they wanted with me and then as soon as i reciprocated they cut me off. are you that fucking scared of me? am i that fucking stupid that i didn't see their hands about to yank the rug out from under me?
#txt#op#i'm sorry i just genuinely don't fucking understand at all#i am a catch. i do my very best to spread love and i care so deeply about people and i'm cute#what is so wrong with me that people push me away so readily after i have started to feel safe#i dont wanna self victimize or anything but fuck all of you honestly#i deserved better#i deserve to be wanted. i deserve to be sought after#instead of me having to do all the fucking work. being autistic is so fucking tiring sometimes#why cant everybody be as honest and forthcoming as me#sorry not to sound full of myself but fucking seriously i feel like it's the least we can do for each other#for fuck's sake. ugh
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arctic monkeys covering other artists>>>other artists covering arctic monkeys
#besties i'm going to be very honest i do Not like the louis tomlinson 505 cover#not a slight against him i have no idea what he's like as an artist i don't know a single song of his#but i just don't find his voice very fitting for it like it's just not strong enough imo?#like i know even alex was a total amateur and not that much of a vocalist back in the day but je makes it work idk idk#i don't care much for the dua lipa diwk cover either the hozier one gets sort of a pass#idek OKAY sorry for being no.1 alex turner DICKRIDER i just think he does it the best!! andnobodywill evercompare!! sorry not sorry!!!1#any wayz do u think we're getting a cover for glasto. 99.9999% sure not but indulge my delusions for a moment
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i love this account so much. thank you for running it its a source of joy every time theres a new post
Ahhh, thank you! I adore seeing messages from people saying how much they love this blog. It completely makes my day...who am I kidding, my week- I'm glad it brings you joy!
#admin talks#just got home from a long shift at work and saw this#could have cried honestly hahaha#to be at my most honest#with how hectic my life is now#i've had to seriously and sadly consider either putting this blog on hiatus for a break to see what that does or stopping it altogether#it's getting harder for me to find the 'right' quotes#and i was wondering if people still liked these#but you know what screw it#i'm not being defeated that easily#mwahahaha#our girls deserve the best#and you all do too!#i think i've said it before somewhere#but the goofiness will continue for as long as i'm able#okay enough of my rambling#thank you to everyone who enjoys this silly little blog of mine#don't forget to look after yourselves!
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just remembered the whole first song of the year thing . i cant even remember what the last ones have been . for 3 years it was busiest by george ezra bc the first time was on accident then i just did that again twice. and that was new years 2017, 2018, and 2019 i think. for 2020 i have no clue. and no clue for 2021. or 2022. a heem heem whimper
#i'm really upset about not being able to remember to be honest#i've been noticing recently that i just cannot remember various things anymore and it's just genuinely distressing#and it might not be things that matter. like what my new years songs were for the past 3 years. the names of my middle school teachers#or other things. and it doesn't matter but it does#whatever. but maybe it could be for the best considering that i get so anxious and worked up over deciding the first song because#stupid things like this matter too much to me and for no reason i just get soo caught up in it . it's the same thing with how#hypotheticals like 'if you could only listen to one album for the rest of your life what would it be' make me so stressed and upset#me when i seem to be like intricately hand designed by god to be constantly tormented by stupid shit that doesn't matter i guess
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Worrying I'm developing a case of senioritis, not in the screw-this-I'm-just-not-going-to-do-it way, but in the holy-shit-can-I-please-finally-just-be-done way
#when i complain about losing all of my 20s to school i'm not complaining about losing my 'best years' or 'party years' or whatever#i'm complaining about how with each passing year i am slowly losing more abilities and having more pain and health issues#my guess is that chronic stress has caused a good deal of them#so by the time i graduate i'm going to be 27 (no money no prospects lol) with no driver's license no savings no plans no apartment -#- and constant pain.#all for a BA in gender studies#so i'm feeling a liiiiittle fucking down.#i've liked being a student. it's the only thing i know how to do. but now i am ready to do Other Things With My Life please.#at least with a 9-5 you have your weekends free AND you're making money#me i have to cram hours and hours of work in on the weekends while everyone is home and making noise bc i don't have time during the week -#- because of my 3-4 hour collective commute / class / MORE work / pain from being out all day#i kind of hate hearing my irl friends complain about their jobs to be honest
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y'all mind if I uhhhh slip into a depressive episode real quick
#bad brain day :)#bad brain week if I'm being honest :)#i always forget how low i get in the winter as if this shit hasn't been happening for over a decade#but we'll be okay things are gonna be okay#I've just been listening to bad music at full volume at work so i don't have to think lolol#hyperpop rots my brain in the best way#definitely gonna have some wine tonight tho oh for suuuure gonna have some wine#okay I'm talking too much bye ily#angel rambles
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Trying to remind myself that no one’s keeping score of my output, and that making one art is better than stressing about not doing enough and making no art.
#have to think about this especially now because i'm skipping art fight in favor of doing portfolio work#and i'm about to start on 3 pet portraits which are very time consuming#some people might be able to do other art on top of that but if i'm being honest with myself i can't#and i'm doing my best to be ok with that
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thinking some more before i. be productive 🫣
#tbd#i'm really gna make that spam account. fix it. I'M SORRY#that said though. uh. mostly curious abt this i think bcs i rlly do wonder how others perceive me 😭😭 let's do a trade ><#both sides sharing is the best way to get me to open up 🥺 uwahh that said though ^^ i've been. told i'm intimidating at times HFLKASDJFL#maybe irl it's the eyebags. or how i look spaced out. or the eyes in general idk.#such a weird mix of dreamer n then down-to-earth (scorpio sun capricorn moon /lh)#guys pardon the upcoming it's the tumblr aura messing around w my head#i think i'll make. a good partner yk 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 i'm intelligent n i'm not ugly i hope n i'm creative 👍#romantic ! i'll love you deeply !!!! n wholly !!!!!!!!#when that stupid shell's down i'm really honest. direct when needed. or wtvr#not even just a good partner but overall i think. a good friend#that said though rn i'm aware i have many faults.#sometimes i just. disappear to myself when i'm stressed n yeah stuff like that#n then. yeah i have a lot to work on there's definitely a lot 😭 but i think one step at least is yk. being able to acknowledge it.#idk what i'm talking about anymore i have assignments to do bye
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going insane. will not be back shortly
#good news i got into a scholarship!#bad news! I FORGOT TO READ THE T AND C SO It"S IN A WHOLE ASS FUCKING CONTINENT AWAY#my mother is this close to bitch slapping me and tbh fair#like. i go into this interview with barely any prep and then like. i go into the room and mid interview the lady is like. you do realise. t#the school you opted for. is the only school we cannot allow you into because you're a native citizen#me visibly hwat#anyway the lady was like i'm going to be completely fucking honest you're probably one of our best candidates but#we cannot put you into that school for legal reasons. but. we can offer you 20+ other options.. elsewhere#and the school overseas is really posh! not as posh as the og school i selected but i would totally accept. IF IT WAS IN MY COUNTRY#anyway just in. a shitty mood because of procrastinating majorly on almost every assignment and being stuck in close quarters with.#family without a break and also. school fucking shutting down postponed any chance of me getting out of the house#and like. i found out one of the spots i was gunning for was like. with an idea that i was considering but actually REJECTED to do a more#like. palatable idea and anyway. like. my speaking skills are good i want a do over please genuinely feel shitty because </3 i could have!!#anyway. uh. going through it. going though it .#i just want to win something without any work... sighs... i sound like a baby but IT'S TRUE I JUST WANT TO DO WELL#without putting much effort because every time i do put effort it ends up backfiring like. bro#earth cannot be flat because of the fact my life is going constantly downhill like. L. that kinda mood#anyway turned out as a kinda win but. uh. anyway sucks to be me ig! moral of the story - think before you act and uh. read perhaps
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i just decided that i'm gonna follow everything six random women do publicly for no reason and i think i wanna be at peace with that
#obsessing over idols is weird#parasocial relationships are weird#but they bring me joy and don't seem to harm anyone at least in my case#obviously i don't know other people's situations#i just know that being a (g)i-dle scholar brings me joy#is it what CAPITALISM (derogatory) wants? yes. but. i just try to not do anything harmful personally as much as i can control that#it's weird and i can't explain it to myself fully but i can't explain most things to myself fully#actually some the best things in my life are among the things i can't fully explain to myself#i can just. try to not do anything harmful. that's the best i can ask of myself#to be honest with myself and have my own and the world's best interests both at heart#i'm trying okay#it's a work in progress#i-dle#mine
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