#not me projecting unto the girls HAHA

[the-color-of-an-ordinary-day]

do you have any neat headcanons for the characters you haven't already shared? :)

... okay yeah i have a darn lot HAHA:

- i literally hc the family of each character lol... claire is an only child, deb has 1 younger brother (i named him adam after adam gwon KZKGAGDN but that's just a placeholder name), jason has 1 older brother 1 older sister and 1 younger sister, and warren comes from a Big family, like he has 7 siblings... this makes me annoyed bc i KNOW i detailed this out before but it was from 2018 ish so i don't rly remember... i think tho warren was like either the 4th or the 5th born, the eldest and youngest were both girls, there was a pair twins, two of them were named alexander and alexandra (though the latter usually went by 'sandra') but they weren't the twins, and i'm 67% sure the youngest one was named savannah

- claire + jason's child would be named gift, but after hearing lisa and hunter's hc abt them having two girls, i also hc that the other kid's name would be clarissa

- warren has really pretty and clear handwriting, in contrast with deb's really hard to understand one

- deb actually does like books and literature, it's just that with the way academia presents it she gets really discouraged... she likes reading out of her own interest, not to fulfil a part of her requirements

- warren finds a better job that actually gets him somewhere after the events of the show

- claire has an inner child, which she tends to hide bc she feels the need to be Mature and Responsible but also leading to;

- she is actually pretty shy and sweet, but has a strong conscience and has a strong desire to help others, which is also what led her to john (helping pick up some of the groceries that fell)

- jason, being impulsive af, sometimes ends up drawing the attention of the people around him, but it doesn't matter as long as he and claire are together (and as long as it's a good thing! he tries his best)

- oh also since jason's an architect and warren is an artistic boi, i really like to hc that one day they end up working on a project together (not sure of the specifics but i just think it'd be neat)

- deb blushes easily. i don't know where that hc came from but i just feel like she's the type to get flustered easily.

- not rly a headcanon but one thing that i think would be cute is if deb and warren made a book together. deb could write it and warren could draw the illustrations and it would be so cute.

- lastly i think that both warren and deb didn't rly have a lot of friends in the past, probably bc they're both awkward af and people think they're too weird (shame on them!! sorry that y'all are boring 🙄), so when they find each other they're super happy and become friends for life (BFFs!!! i care them)

hmm yeah those are all!!! thanks for the ask ^-^

[writingbeary]

Actress Minyoung

Note: I imagined this to be set around Pirate King era.

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Anyone could tell that Minyoung was excited throughout the whole day. It's like she has another source of energy despite their packed schedule as a newly debuted group, not that they're appearing to lots of shows but because they had to film music shows, their reality show, practice, and for Minyoung her drama.

"Is it today? Will your drama air tonight?" Jongho asked the girl beside him.

Minyoung looked at Jongho and smiled brightly holding up a thumbs up. "Later tonight! Jongho, I'm excited to see how the whole thing would look. I mean I saw it when we reviewed the scene during the shoot but I'm sure it'll feel different once it's edited. Oh! I'm also curious how the other scenes went since I only knew mine. I'm also nervous if my acting looks awkward. That'll be bad for the group right? But I'm just really excited to watch it!"

Jongho chuckled at your response, he was already used to you speaking a lot in one go but this might be the first where he sees you with a rollercoaster of expressions. "It's going to be alright. We can watch it later together if you're worried. I think we'll probably on the way home anyway when it airs. Even if we're practicing, we just have to convince the others to take a short break." Minyoung agrees and clings unto Jongho, the latter already used to her being affectionate.

"What are you two up to? You've been excitable the whole day that I was worried for a moment before we went on stage if you could shake it off." Mingi asked looking over the two youngest. They were in the waiting room for the last music show recording for the day and most of them are trying to take a nap to recharge even a bit of their energy before they have to get ready for the stage.

"The drama I'm on is airing tonight. I was told that I'll appear in this episode so I want to watch it later. Jongho offered to watch it with me." Minyoung patted Jongho's arm smiling

"It's tonight?" San gasped overhearing their conversation. He cleared his throat and clapped to get the rest of the members' attention and the other group they were sharing the waiting room with along with the staff of both groups "Everyone there is an important announcement. We need to watch Minyoung's drama later. Clear your schedule!"

"Oppa! Stop." Minyoung shocked and embarrassed by San's antics, hid her face against Jongho's arm.

"What? I need to support our bunny! Hongjoong-hyung, you agree right?" San turned to the leader grinning

Hongjoong laughed nodding. "Of course. No matter what happens, we support each other."

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"Ooh. Mintokki, I know you cry easily but I never knew you could do it that sadly!" Wooyoung teased Minyoung when the episode ended.

"You did great and you say this is your first project?" Yunho said praising the girl

"Was it hard?" Yeosang asked making the other huddle together no longer interested on what's on the tv

"She's already crying every time that she’s practically a master at it by now." San piped up not missing a chance to mess with her, Seonghwa nudging San to tone it down worried Minyoung would get mad

Minyoung pouts before answering "I'm not a crybaby! It was hard but the director and other actors helped a lot. The actress playing as my mom told me a trick on how I can film the scene well. She told me I should think of something I experienced that really made me cry in the past."

"So what did you think of? Leaving Australia? Trainee days?" Mingi asked listing off possible answers

Minyoung shook her head, nodding to hearself "Close! I just thought about what if I didn't get in KQ and I haven't met everyone. When I thought of that I just automatically cried."

"But you did meet us and you're a proud part of Ateez. So you don't have to think about that." Hongjoong patted Minyoung's head, making the latter smile

"And it's the best thing that happened to me!"

"Oh? Is it time for the waterworks again?" Wooyoung teased her as he noticed her eyes getting moist

She scrunched up her nose before hugging Jongho who was sitting beside her "This is why I like Jongho the best!" Jongho laughed as the others protest how he cannot be the best among all of them

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ATEEZ Minyoung Masterlist

Disclaimer: This is just a work of fiction. Any portrayal of real people is a combination based on what we could see on cameras and imagination of the author. This is purely fan fiction written for fun. Thank you for understanding.

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Writing Beary Corner

I will speed up the timeline (and probably jump all over the place) since I have a lot to write about haha! I also have drafted Kingdom “episodes” which are all ready to release i have around 3 of them ready help that I just want to go through everything but I do want to include moments during their promotions.

also i cannot wait for their reborn version of rhythm ta this thursday

-Mimi

03

[keii-lee]

So ayun chika time, nag meetup kami ng mga classmates ko kanina for group project, so bale mga 10 kami sa group and ang kilala ko lang is 5" since nakilala ko na sila nung Saturday sa PE project namin, medyo awkward kase kami lang ni jess yung nag uusap and di namin masyado nakakausap yung iba kase di pa kami close. Then maya maya I played Kpop song so kami ni jess comfie kase yun nga kpop yung song medyo na bubuhayan kami ganon and sad walang Internet buti may pisowifi so ayun nag hulog kami for Internet and kasama ko si jess and rej dun ko din siya nakausap for the first time hahahha so slight chika ganon then back to phone ganon then later on  we do our project na so medyo patawa ako sa kanila for goodvibes ganon and after nun medyo nanahimik na since lunch na and muntik nako umuwi nun buti nalang napilitan na sumama pa sa kanjla and kumain pa kami ng latik hahaha and bago yun bumili pa sila ng pandesal sana kaso nakita nila yung latik kaya ayun na yung binili yung mga boys namin so ako lang na guy yung naiwan dun then the rest girls na. Then I ask their name (Jewel and Shaira) kase medyo bored sila since na close ko agad si Jennifer I ask them if fan sila ng kpop and they said yes! Jessica and I was shocked😱 😂 and we laughed because we're with them about 3 hours already and we didn't talk to them about kpop. So happy that time and we talked about the Kpop groups they stan so Jewel stans EXO, SEVENTEEN and ATEEZ and Shaira stans EXO BTS SEVENTEEN GOT7 and NCT so we talked random about kpop, BL series Thai and Korean and Anime so we're comfortable now to each other we didn't know that we're same interest Jessica and I thought that we're only the kpop  and kdrama fans in the class but it's not 😂 and yeah Jewel and Shaira they understand what Jessica and I saying that I'm hungry in Korean and I'm thirsty I'm shook at that time haha that they understand what we're saying we thought they didn't understand what we were saying 😂 and when we're chatting on the class in hangul they totally understand 😂 and they said that they just laughing when they read it on the group chat 😂 after we have a chitchat we go to McDonald's to drink Mcfloat and we say goodbye to each other and me and Shaira took the jeep together unto the basista.

[the-evisceration-station]

What do you think book!addy’s feelings are towards beth? Even tho addy is the protagonist I still find her very hard to read. Which makes her interesting I guess Bc she’s very mysterious. I love and hate that a lot of the story is subtext haha

That’s a very interesting question and I’m sure everybody probably has a different answer for it, as Addy is such an ambiguous character and intentionally so, because she lies to readers as well as herself. Particularly book!Addy, who I do not believe is quite identical to TV!Addy, even if I do think the most important beats of her character remain the same. I’m going to answer this under the cut both because of potential spoilers and because this is probably going to get long.

In this essay, I will…

Well, I think much of the way Addy describes Beth is some of the way Addy genuinely sees her, rather than an entire farce. Beth being something almost goddess like, someone who knows all and always has some kind of agenda. I don’t think Addy’s actually lying to us when she describes viewing Beth in those ways, I think there is a major part of her that does see Beth as some kind of nearly divine entity.

I think she feels this way partially because Beth is something of a spooky kid, she’s violently protective of Addy to the point where “protective” crosses over into “possessive” territory. I also think Beth projects a powerful persona on purpose. Beth very carefully guards her vulnerabilities and she is, after all, Top Girl, the thing that Addy secretly wants to be. And that’s where I think Addy kind of confuses Beth with what Beth has, and what she thinks it means to have that. She thinks Beth is more powerful than she actually is, because Beth has the thing Addy wants and she believes she’d be more powerful herself, if she had it.

However, do I think Addy sometimes exaggerates about how powerful she sees Beth as?

Absolutely. Because Addy also reveals she knows Beth has vulnerabilities. She knows that laughing is Beth’s way of crying. She is fully aware of how detrimental and unhappy Beth’s home life is, another vulnerability. When she wants Beth to give her one more day before going to the cops, and asks her for it, she pleads, “for me,” because Addy knows that she, herself, is one of Beth’s weaknesses. So if Addy knows where the chinks in the armor are, chances are she doesn’t always see Beth as infallible as she acts like she does.

The fact that Addy knows she can get Beth to do what she wants with a “for me,” also implies that she’s aware that she’s the one who actually has more control in the relationship, which diminishes how godlike she constantly describes Beth as.

Look, I have seen some takes that describe the Addy/Beth relationship as “Addy has All The Power behind the scenes and Beth is just her pawn,” as well as “Beth has All The Power outright until Addy stands up for herself” and personally I don’t agree with either. I understand why people would come away with such interpretations, but I personally don’t think it’s either. I think Beth and Addy both have power in that relationship, and that there is push and pull between them. I actually feel that to insist one has all and one has none is to cheapen the complexity between them, the depths of the layers of this twisted relationship they’ve woven together like a tapestry.

However, I DO believe Addy has the lion’s share of the power. Not that Beth has none. I certainly think she has some, and she’s too aware of what Addy is like under the surface to ever be described as her pawn. But that I do feel that Addy has MOST of the power. Because Beth has more exploitable vulnerabilities in places Addy doesn’t. Because Beth will do anything for Addy, and Addy knows it, and Addy knows she can use it when she has to. Because when Beth goes too far, Addy can assert her quiet control and reel her back in line. Some of the other girls notice this much. They point it out more frequently in the show, but it’s book!Tacy who point-blank tells Addy that she’s more afraid of Addy than she is of Beth.

Hence, given that Addy has the lion’s share of the power, I think she has a tenancy to exaggerate how all-powerful she sees Beth as, because if she has to, she can control Beth’s power by proxy. Beth’s power isn’t an inevitability for her. Quite often, it’s even her asset.

What I do think almost feels like an inevitability for her, is her and Beth’s relationship. I actually think Addy has more internal conflict about this than she lets on. She is an unreliable narrator. She doesn’t tell us everything. What she does tell us, is what she wants us to know, and it’s dyed by how she wants us to see it. But I think it’s very interesting that after the fight at cheer camp, and the other girls think they’ll never be friends again, Addy’s just…of the mindset that well, of course they would. Because coming back together, being together is just what they are. Like it’s some force of nature, not a conscious choice. Like it is what it is, the same way gravity exists because it exists and when something is dropped, you can count on it to fall to the ground. Because gravity exists and things do not simply float away, it is not good, it is not bad, it is not fair nor unfair, it just fucking is. And Addy dismisses the other girls’ thoughts, because she thinks they could never understand. Well, I don’t think Addy really understands it either!

I think at this point in the book, Addy truly felt like what she and Beth had was an inevitability of a sort. I don’t think she wanted it to be. I think she genuinely wanted to move away from Beth already, but on this point, I don’t think she was lying to us. Relationships are complicated, codependent relationships specifically can feel very contradictory and confusing. And I think she failed to elaborate more on it, specifically because such feelings were confusing and contradictory, and she didn’t want to think about it any more than she had to. She didn’t want to look at it. There are many things Addy doesn’t like to look at.

Major YMMV on this one because it’s left incredibly ambiguous, but I personally do believe there was a point in time when Addy was in love with Beth. Addy is the one who kissed Beth. Addy is the one who initiated their borderline (or even, some people think it went that far, I personally don’t) sexual encounter.

“I started it, but I don’t even remember why or how,” is her input on her motivation. But when is Addy ever honest about her motives? Almost never, not even to herself.

Also, the hamsa bracelet. The story behind the little charm is that it’s the Hand of Fatima. Fatima was stirring a pot when her husband came home with a new wife, let the ladel slip from her fingers, stirred with her own hand, and didn’t even notice the pain because of how brokenhearted she was. Or, at least, that’s the version of the story presented in the book. The one I know of IRL is different, but for the purpose of discussing Dare Me book canon, I am using the symbolism of the version of the Hand of Fatima lore presented to us in the book.

Beth is Fatima in this story. Addy is the husband. The new wife is Colette. Fatima was the first wife. The husband married his first wife, chances are, he loved her at some point.

I think three things play into Addy no longer being in love with Beth.

1) Beth’s possessive behavior began to feel suffocating and drive Addy away.

2) Addy prioritizes ambition over love and accomplishing her goals wins out over any romance, at the end of the day.

3) Addy represses her sexuality and probably even holds some (unfair) resentment toward Beth for feeling attracted to Beth.

My gray faced friendo, I am going to repeat that: this is all just my take. I think in a subtext loaded book like Dare Me, people are bound to come away with over a hundred different interpretations. I am not the authority on Dare Me. That’s Megan Abbott. I’m not here to crap on anyone else’s interpretation if they feel different.

All of this is what I personally took away from the book and since you asked, that’s what I’m describing. I’ve been giving my own personal take throughout the entirety of this answer, of course, but what I’m going to describe going forward is a lot of me reading in between the lines with my magnifying glass, and may seem less coherent than the above. Okay, here we go.

Point #1: I feel like Beth’s possessive behavior began to drive Addy away, because it’s a lot to deal with. Beth gets dog leashes for all the girls on the squad at one point, but goes as far as to have Addy’s name embroidered on hers. Addy goes to another girl’s birthday party and when she gets home, low and behold, Beth is waiting at her house. RiRi outright refers to Addy as “Beth’s girl,” as if Addy belongs to Beth.

I think Addy even begins to feel like she does belong to Beth, in some ways, and becomes comfortable feeling that way. But eventually, she doesn’t want to feel that way anymore. Their relationship is extremely codependent, okay. I think in both the book and the show, it’s more obvious from Beth’s side, because we’ve reached the point in that relationship where Addy is beginning to pull away. Beth reflexively seems to cling on even tighter, because she feels it happening. But it’s absolutely codependent from Addy’s side too.

Throughout the book, there are many moments (I’m not going to comb for all of them, sorry dude, it’s almost 300 pages) where Addy behaves like she and Beth are an entity unto their own. Even as she’s moving away from her as she develops her bond with Colette, there are instances where Addy will describe sensing things inside Beth. There is even a moment where Addy thinks Beth is touching her ear (the ear Addy scarred, mind you) only to discover, no, she’s touching her own ear!

Plus, Addy feels like she needs others to verbalize her thoughts/feelings for her and for a long time, this person is Beth. Implying that not only does Addy rely on Beth to do such a thing for her, but she believes that Beth can know her thoughts accurately enough to do so.

Point #2: I think ambition outranks love for Addy, because her goals are her endgame. Addy is patient, Addy is deceptive. Addy likes the way power feels and I think it’s one of the reasons she gets so high on her relationship with Colette (even if it is an inappropriate and eventually damaging one). Colette makes Addy feel powerful, probably more powerful than she actually is. I’m going to repeat myself a bit here and even copy/paste some of my thoughts about this from a reply I left to a comment on Ao3 (that poor person, I went into a full on Addy rant) because I feel like what I said previously is relevant here.

*deep breath* When we begin the book/series, I personally believe like on some level, Addy does still have feelings for Beth. However, I do NOT think those feelings are as strong as they once were, and I don’t think they are feelings Addy wants to have. I think the remaining feelings Addy does have for Beth are mostly there because they’ve been in a codependent relationship for so long, one that consumes her identity, and in a relationship like that, even if you don’t want those feelings anymore, they’re difficult to move away from. Because at some point, you don’t really know who you are not just without that person, but without those feelings, even if you want to, even if wanting to is part of the reason you want to get rid of those feelings. Codependency is a strange animal, my friend.

Although Addy’s relationship with Colette was never mutually romantic nor canonically sexual, I do believe there was a part of Addy that was ‘killing’ her remaining feelings for Beth through that relationship. “Love is a kind of killing,” is one of the oft repeated lines of the book, and I’d even say it’s one of the themes. It is Beth who says it, and we see that she feels it too, her love for Addy is killing her. She nearly kills herself out of it (though I’d say other things impacted Beth enough to put her in such a state that suicide felt worth it, even if her feelings for Addy were the primary motive, again YMMV).

The Matt/Colette/Will dynamic is another example of love becoming a kind of killing. Matt kills Will for Colette. If we believe what she tells Addy, then he acted on his own in doing so and it was an accident. If we don’t believe her, she might’ve even been the little worm in Matt’s ear who told him to do it. Either way, he killed for love. None of the audience really cares for their hetero nonsense, because Matt is sexist and both Colette and Will are predatory people, but nonetheless, their debacle largely impacts the story. And it supports the idea that “love is a kind of killing.”

I believe love as a kind of killing is something Addy weaponizes for her own development. To her own detriment as well, because it ends up taking her to dangerous places.  Even so, I think Addy had/has some lingering feelings for Beth she uses forming a bond with Colette to metaphorically ‘kill’ inside herself. Like finishing off an already mortally wounded animal, if you will. This would also support “love is a kind of killing” as a recurring theme.

Addy’s relationship with Colette gave her a crutch and a new outlet, and Colette’s encouragement (while the audience knows its manipulation) also gave Addy affirmation for the way she was already feeling about Beth— that she wanted to distance herself from her and come into her own. In addition, Colette seemed to be ‘safer’ because Addy doesn’t have to compete with Colette.

The presence of specifically female socialization is very palatable in the book. The way the girls slut-shame each other. The way other people see them, the feminine appeal of cheerleading. Others take the glitz and the glam of it at face value without understanding the more masculinely-coded things that go into it, like dedication and athleticism. Colette is a villain, no doubt, but you have to give the devil her due, and her circumstances are as miserable and empty as they are because she finds herself boxed into traditional feminine roles she isn’t suited for. Although the show is not the book, and I will maintain that I don’t feel they are identical entities, I do think Willa had a lot of interesting input on this in her Build interview, alongside Taveeta and Abbott. Check it out if you have the time—

Wait, where was I?

Right, right, female socialization in Dare Me. Okay, continuing on.

I feel that female socialization also plays an important role in the relationships between the characters, namely the Beth/Addy/Colette dynamic. We live in a culture where women are socialized to tear each other down and compete with each other even outside of the athletic arena. Combine that with the athletic, cutthroat world of cheerleading and you’ve got yourself a powder keg of an environment where those competitive feelings are going to come out full force. Addy, wanting what she wants, is inevitably going to have to view Beth as a rival, romantic feelings or otherwise aside.  

Colette feels like a ‘safer’ object of attraction because her cheerleading days are over.

Colette does not pose a threat to Addy’s thirst for power, she can only help her achieve it. I definitely think the lack of Colette posing a threat to Addy’s goals plays into how comfortable she feels with her. I also think, to a teenager with dreams of grandeur already feeling suffocated in a relationship with her peer, this is where the age gap appeals to Addy even as it disturbs us readers.

Again, Addy doesn’t have to compete with Colette, because Colette has aged out of ‘cheerleader’ and into ‘coach.’ Colette is a seemingly self-sufficient adult (initially) who doesn’t spin out the way Beth does, and depend on Addy as heavily as Beth does. Colette represents the agency Addy covets, and feels nearer to when with her.

I mean, we all know things change once a dead body is brought into that dynamic and we all know that Colette is emotionally manipulating Addy for her own purposes. But I’m not talking about Colette’s perspective, I’m talking about Addy’s before all the crime scene hullabaloo. What happens after the night with Will changes things, but up until that point, I think this is much of what Addy got out of her bond with Colette, no matter how inappropriate a bond it was. No matter how much it shouldn’t have been happening.

I will say, I don’t believe Addy ever fully realizes the extent to which Colette was manipulating her, although it’s clear as the book goes on, she realizes some of it. She picks up on things that don’t add up, acknowledges some red flags she initially ignored, and refers to her as a liar at one point.

Wait JJ, why are you talking about Addy and Colette? The question was about Addy and Beth!

Yes, but I think you cannot always separate the two. Because I think many of the developments that occur in the book between Addy and Beth, and the way in which they occur, play out as they do because of Colette’s entry into the story. Abbott said herself that Dare Me is a love triangle. A triangle is connected by all three sides, okay, continuing on…

I think there are things Addy deliberately sought out in her relationship with Colette— I will repeat this because again, I personally view this as part of the theme and part of the answer to your question— including ‘killing’ what remained of her feelings for Beth. I think it’s also very clear that she thinks Colette is the key to getting what she wants and accomplishing her own goals.

But I would go the extra mile and say she projects some of her feelings for Beth onto Colette. I’ve brought this up before, but I will elaborate more about that now.

I think Addy is earnestly attracted to Colette, just as Colette. Yes, even book!Addy. It’s more subtle in the book, but contrast the way she describes Jordy to the way she describes Colette. Her fascination with the way Colette looks when Will is fucking her. It speaks of attraction and that’s perfectly fine. It’s normal when teens have crushes on adults, what isn’t normal is when adults indulge those crushes. When adults pick up on the cues Colette does, and choose to fan the flames instead of snuffing them out. That’s the part that’s fucking scary.

But I also think she projects her feelings for Beth onto Colette and I think that helps explain why Addy latched onto Colette so quickly. When Addy messes around with Jordy, she does it because Colette points him out. And when she tells Colette about it later and Colette doesn’t even seem to remember him, Addy is taken aback, almost offended… and yet, just a couple of pages later, she’s disparaging the girls who do similar things for Beth.

“…hitching jeans low and flashing thongs at security guards. Beth likes to make these girls run.”

Colette and Beth also share some notable similarities. Both can be cold, cutthroat, have calculating thought processes. Colette even looks like Beth in the book. Addy also sort of tries to recreate a ‘better’ version of the bond she had with Beth, with Colette and this is where I stop and I’m like, man, what a weird freakin’ kid. Addy, smh. But you see it, right?

Addy flips for her coach like she flips for her captain. Ties the same bracelet Beth once tied on her wrist onto Colette’s wrist. Does the thing with Jordy very comparable to the things other girls do when they’re trying to impress Beth. Uses Colette specifically when she wants to become her own person, but can’t quite do so yet, because she’s so used to her lifelong codependence with Beth.

And you know how earlier I mentioned that Addy can control Beth when she has to? How the control Addy has over Beth is a quiet, deceptive thing?

Well I think that’s something that Addy projects onto Colette too. Addy is so used to being able to assert that quiet control and maintain the relational power (which is not the same kind of power Addy is seeking endgame) with Beth, that when she begins using Colette as Beth’s substitute, she doesn’t realize she doesn’t have it anymore. I think that’s one of the things that gets her into hot water later, because she absently assumes she’s going to be ‘safe’ with Colette the way she is with Beth, have that ability that she does with Beth to reel things back before they go too far…but she doesn’t.

Addy uses Colette as Beth substitute. But Colette is not Beth. Beth is spooky. Addy is scary. Colette is terrifying. Addy can’t take control of Colette the way she can of Beth. Colette is an adept master manipulator, an adult who has years of experience that Addy lacks. Colette is better at her game than Addy is at hers, and Addy gets in deep shit partly because she doesn’t recognize that.

I would actually compare the Colette/Addy situation a bit to the Kurtz/Beth situation in the show. There are things Beth wants out of Kurtz, she talks to him because she plans to use him, and it inevitably has devastating consequences for her. Kurtz is a predator. And he’s better at his game than Beth is at hers.

The situations are not identical. The consequences are not the same. But both are exemplary of teens being naive fools and thinking they have some control in situations they definitely do not, with people they couldn’t hope to.

Addy gets what she thinks she wants in the end. I’ve addressed why I think this isn’t as cracked up to be as she thinks it is in another post, but that’s not really relevant here. Addy chooses to pursue having her own power above all, and it’s Beth who winds up giving it to her, not Colette. But I think Addy needed to eliminate her feelings for Beth to actually get there, or even if she didn’t actually, it’s what she felt she had to do and most of those feelings were deteriorating already because of Beth’s possessive behavior.

Point #3: I personally believe Addy represses her sexuality. And I do think that plays into how she views Beth, both when she had feelings for her, and when those feelings began to die. I feel Addy harbors some subconscious resentment toward Beth along the lines of a “I don’t want to be like this, but you make me feel this way, and I hold it against you” type deal. However, again, I think that’s a subconscious feeling rather than something Addy is cognitively aware of, and actually, I don’t think it’s separate from how she’s fed up of Beth suffocating her. I believe it only feeds into that feeling and makes it stronger, enhancing her frustration.

Addy is often very cruel when she describes Beth. I think there’s a bit more to it than the inevitability of viewing Beth as a rival outside her control and somewhat within it, the possessive behavior Beth suffocates her with.

I think forgetting that she and Beth had a borderline sexual encounter was repression on her part. I also think this line;

“…and who need to talk of such wonders? We nestle them away, deep in the fury at the center of us, where things can be held tightly, protected, and secretly cherished as a special notion we once held, and then had to stow away,”

wasn’t just about Beth. I think it was about Beth and just like, pursuing girls in general. At least openly. I’d go out on a limb and say another one of the things that drew Addy to Colette was because Colette was a ‘safer’ objection of attraction in the sense that the likelihood of something happening between them was very low. Fantasize safely from the closet, kinda deal. But maybe Addy’s less aware of her sexuality, or at least confronting it than I’m giving her credit for. I mean, she looked up RiRi’s skirt and was all like, “why are other girl’s panties more interesting than your own?”

Addy. Addy, baby. Why do you think.

Oh, and I think Addy kissed RiRi without telling us! At the marines’ party, Addy and RiRi are hanging and then this scene happens.

“She’s fumbling with her phone, trying to send a text. Because it’s all okay because these are Will’s men and nothing bad could ever happen, one of them is pressing our heads together, wanting us to kiss.

“Always ready,” he says. “Always there.””

Then RiRi hugs Addy and starts in about how she couldn’t be close to Addy before, because of Beth. But that’s the thing. It just has that creepy ass adult man trying to make these teen girls kiss, then goes into some dialogue, Addy never actually explains what happens in that moment. If the guy made them kiss or if he let go of them. If either of them protested or just went along with it.

I personally believe they did kiss and I believe Addy doesn’t mention it for two reasons.

1) She’s trying to convince herself and us readers that Will is safe to be around, ergo his men must be too. But some grown ass dude physically trying to force teen girls to kiss each other is obviously a fucking creeper. Will is also a fucking creeper.

2) She enjoyed kissing RiRi and doesn’t care to elaborate on what enjoying that was like, because doing so would mean confronting her sexuality. Her sexuality being one of the many things Addy doesn’t really confront.

Wow, that was a long ass essay. In this essay, I done did. So that is my interpretation of Addy’s feelings for Beth. Feel free to take ‘em or leave ‘em, maybe we don’t feel the same way and that’s totally cool. But you asked, so I answered. That is what I feel is going on with all that mess there.

This essay probably has a shit ton of typos and for that I apologize, but I can’t comb through all this now. This long as hell and I’m hungry, I need to go eat. 

[nothingneverforever]

Yesterday (2019)

When I’d just seen the trailers and promo stuff for Yesterday, there was some great excitement in me. I loved The Beatles years ago, I mean, I really really loved them, I’ve got about 15 books on them, borrowed my mom’s credit card to shop online for DVDs of all their original movies when I was 14, etc etc, so Yesterday’s premise added up and seemed to look like something I’d enjoy: Danny Boyle, mysterious ultra-niche alternate reality in an otherwise utterly regular world, some kind of deadpan irony about the whole situation…

Then it came and went in cinemas and I never got down to seeing it. So I watched instead this film review by DazzReviews on Youtube, titled “Yesterday Missed A MASSIVE OPPORTUNITY (SPOILERS)”.  It’s a short and simple analysis of key weaknesses of the film, being that its actual contents greatly pale in comparison to its great potential. Even without watching the film, I understood Dazz’s gripe because even seeing snippets of the film bored me. It is such a unique, and almost cute idea afterall: a blackout causing selective loss of memory in every single individual in this world (save for 3, later to be discussed) where post-blackout, The Beatles and other cultural/social phenomenon do not and have never existed. Our protagonist, who pre-blackout was a struggling singer/songwriter, then decides to release Beatles songs from his memory as his own, thus gaining global popularity and attracting immense adoration. It’s not novel, perhaps reminiscent of time-travel narratives idk, but it’s still fun right?  

Yet even after watching this review video and understanding the film’s flaws and being able to imagine how disappointing the film would have been, watching it in full for myself was still an upsetting experience. Google tells me that Yesterday is of the ‘Drama/Fantasy’ genre, which gives me a good starting point for my critique: how utterly un-fantastical it is.

Our protagonist Jack Malik is LITERALLY the most vanilla, ungrateful, boring, not-alive, nothing-at-all, annoying, pathetically male (in terms of tantrum-throwing and ingratitude) character I have ever seen. None of this is hyperbolic, his character literally sucks so freakin much omfg, absolutely devoid of any redeeming or even remotely INTERESTING qualities at all. In fact save for maybe one scene (which I will talk about below), I don’t think there was another single second in the entire film where we saw him smiling. This is not to say that he’s portrayed as especially tortured or depressed in demeanor, merely to indicate his absolute dearth of warmth and personality.

Meanwhile, it becomes clear as the boring film progresses boringly that Yesterday is in fact nothing more than a love story. The cute Beatles twist is merely a device to show us how Jack and his “love interest” Ellie (inverted commas cos their love sucks omfg I cant imagine that ANYONE viewing it is convinced) were in fact meant to be, with Jack’s momentary superstardom existing to show him that all he ever wanted was his old life, the one with Ellie (even though they were never together because THEY ARENT EVEN MEANT TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE OKAY….). But, just as Jack’s character itself is flawed and awfully written, our female protagonist Ellie is SOOOOOO early 2000s. Just think of the most typical stock supportive, sweet, pretty, unfailingly kind and patient female whose presence is taken for granted etc etc… So her stock sweetie pie female character coupled with the most unbelievably charmless and unlikable male character make for the most unshippable couple you could possibly imagine. We are supposed to be charmed by her obvious-to-everyone-except-him love for Jack, supposed to have our heartstrings tugged by the singular scene of teenage schoolgirl her standing by the wings of the stage with hearts in her eyes while teenage schoolboy him sings a most soulless rendition of Wonderwall but it literally does absolutely nothing. The means has not met the end! This is a grossly uninspiring love story and there is no fantasy whatsoever!!

Honestly how is this even a Danny Boyle product? But then again… Zhang Yimou, boasting the incredibly genius Raise the Red Lantern (1992) on his resume, also did The Great Wall (2016) so I guess even heroes have the right to bleed or even the best fall down sometimes or something. OMG WAIT  I just googled the film again and not only is it directed by Danny Boyle but also written by Richard Curtis LOL wtfffffffffff okay this is the worst film ever seriously

Early on just after the global blackout thing, before Jack becomes the huge superstar that he does after his music (“his” music) is released into the world, when he first decides to use the songs of The Beatles, he is cajoled by his parents into performing for them in their humble living room. (by the way his parents are played by Sanjeev Bhaskar and Meera Syal who I have LITERALLY seen in about 1000 British TV shows and movies by now… idk maybe Yesterday was intended as a semi-ensemble cast film? Since there are other “appearances” by other known faces… ok whatever.) I guess this scene of him, superstar-to-be, sitting down at his piano in the claustrophobic living room with his parents exaggerating their domestic inclinations and comforts (by holding their cups of tea and settling themselves into their sofa-chairs etc) is meant to be comedic, we’re meant to laugh at how his parents have no idea the genius that is about to be released unto the stratosphere embodied by their all-great son Jack Malik, and it’s a predictable scene: his parents get disturbed by the bell and other things in the first 10 seconds of his performance, so Jack has to begin Let It Be 4 times over and never gets past a few lines… and okay, it’s funny because they are treating Jack’s “performance” as such because he has never before produced anything worthy of actual attention and has never performed in any manner that has demanded any respect given that he was an absolutely mediocre singer, but the scene is ruined by how Jack was written to have to react. Instead of taking it in his stride and recognizing that his parents are taking it so lightly because they have no idea how big the song is going to be because they have had no reason to expect anything great of him before, Jack throws a big fucking tantrum and asks why they cannot and have not respected the greatest song to ever be written etc etc… and okay, maybe this was intentional because we are to infer that Jack’s reaction is a projection of his own insecurities about releasing entirely unoriginal songs as his own, perhaps he has doubts about whether they would do as well as they did when The Beatles themselves released them, perhaps he has doubts that he is the right person to do this at all, anxieties and fears about being able to get away with it all… Sure, but I don’t want to give the writers the benefit of this doubt. If I were to watch the scene with my eyes and ears and not my brain, all I’d see is a dumbass manchild with a temper and ego problem incapable of accepting responsibility for the decisions he’s made, plus being unnecessarily cruel and disrespectful to his simple parents who want only to support him, if superficially. Basically, he’s dumb and the worst protagonist you’d want for a romcom.

But let it not be said that I am an extremist with my views: there was one sub-plot that showed promise and that made me think perhaps there was more to this film than the nothingness it had conveyed hitherto. When Jack played in Moscow, as an opening act for Ed Sheeran, we saw the haunting face of a large man in the crowd, carrying a knowing look in his eyes. It gave us a great sense of unease, seeing his concerned face contrasted with the throng of pretty girls screaming their hearts out (you know, à la “Moscow girls make me sing and shout”). Then later we see an English lady (played by the iconic amazing Sarah Lancashire who I know and love so so much from Happy Valley), who like the Russian man, carries the same speculation in her sharp eyes, as she sees Jack manically making his way through Liverpool, visiting key landmarks like Eleanor Rigby’s grave, Strawberry Fields, Penny Lane etc because, as she says to him later, “you cant write songs about places you’ve never been to”. So anyway, this odd pairing make up the only 2 other known humans in the world who for unexplained reasons also remember the existence of The Beatles, and thus recognize that Jack’s positioning of the entire Beatles discography as his own original work to be fraudulent.

So we as audiences who hardly care for this dumbass Jack but have still held on to some hope that the film would bring us some element of surprise and karma for this annoying fraud (whose singing voice by the way is literally the most forgettable ever), we would have loved nothing more than for Jack to face the sound of music (as Mother Mary comes to him). But instead of, I dunno, chopping his head off or outing him to the world, the mysterious duo thank him for bringing their much beloved Beatles songs back into the world, the whole who has forgotten them. They thank him for doing justice to the memory of the greatest band of all time, and together the duo and Jack dance and cheer in a side room minutes before Jack goes out to perform for the biggest crowd he’s ever played to. It’s just…  lame and not even a satisfying easy way out. Oh remember above when i said there was literally only about one scene of Jack smiling, this was it. And he only smiled because obviously he was relieved at not having his secret revealed to the world by these two..... ughhh WE DONT WANT TO SEE YOU HAPPY!! WE HATE U!!

Okay haha I shall end this as I do all my other ‘reviews’… by saying that I’m lazy already and cant really be bothered to continue but shall conclude by proclaiming that this film sucked… not in a remotely camp or quiet or interesting manner either. It was just boring and bad and of great disrespect to the music of The Beatles.

 -------------------

Omg I have just attempted to read some actual reviews of this film and some actually think it’s ‘charming’ and ‘surprisingly moving’ and that the leads have ‘chemistry’………….. that’s literally the fakest thing I’ve ever heard lol bye bye!

[itsmooglepom-blog]

How I Learned to Not Hate Myself (And Other Women)

I grew up in the 90’s, and like most other millennials, I flourished in a unique and unusual time span also known as “The Age of Technology.” With the revolution of the internet and the explosiveness of the media, it was (and still is) easier than ever to spread thoughts, notions, and ideas.

During my most formative years, I was a huuuuuuuuge “Tomboy.” Imagine: A small girl who fancied video games, comic books, action figures, and computers as opposed to the expected barbies, baby dolls, purses, ponies, and/or anything else obnoxiously pink. Don’t worry- Even as a romp I had my fair share of stuffed animals, too, you can ask my mom. She had a hay day when she finally donated them all to the Salvation Army, believe me. Not many girls were very nice to me when I was in elementary school. The majority of my friends were boys. I saw girls as these mean, catty creatures I didn’t understand. I avoided them and refused to associate myself with them. I was DIFFERENT. Even at a young age, we’re taught to compete. And in this competition, I wanted nothing more than to WIN. Even from as far as I can remember, I didn’t want to be like “other girls.” Being like “other girls” meant you were bland, boring, and outright insufferable. It meant you didn’t have any ideas of your own and you conformed to a predictable stereotype. Girls were seen as weak and incapable. If you did something “like a girl” it was seen as an insult. And, of course, I did not want to be insulted. Why would I want that? I had a lot going for me, I already didn’t like the same things I thought other girls liked, so I was good.  …Right?

These impressions became fundamentally etched into my being. They allowed me to be “The Cool Girl™” and quickly I adopted the moniker of “One of the Guys.” Because, to me, being (like) a guy was way more desirable than identifying as a girl. Sometimes, I would even say things like, “Aren’t you glad I’m not like those other girls? They’d be mad if you said/did xxxxxx thing. But not me.” I was an obelisk of obscurity, a commodity to be coveted.

Latching on to those sentiments was so easy for me. I didn’t have a great history in dealing with other double x chromosomes; it just fit like glove. Throughout junior high and high school, I had a handful of female friends, but only clung to those with similar interests. I recall very distinctly feeling both a sense of jealousy and superiority toward other girls simultaneously. Jealousy because I suffered through unsurmountable insecurity as a teenager, and superiority because I was nestled in the perfect presumption that I would always be better or smarter than them collectively. These were thoughts that existed somewhere deep, down in the darkest reaches of my being only to resurface later in life.

As I got older and matured, I found myself in some questionably abusive relationships. Often, I would agree with their misogynistic tendencies and somehow blame myself for the mistreatment I endured. These types of relationships became a pattern, resulting in a few different things: -Me hitting rock bottom in terms of dealing with my own self-esteem.

-My hatred for other women reaching an all time high.

-The eventual realization of how and why I was wrong all along.

These realizations started in my early twenties. Becoming an adult was exceedingly difficult for me, because I already had so much mental and emotional baggage I lugged with me. Around the age of 22, I started getting over an eating disorder I had been battling. Anorexia was a problem of mine that stretched from my teenage years to my early adulthood. And, admittedly, it’s all because of misogyny.

The magazines, the ads, the books, the posters; every where you looked, there was a thin, beautiful woman in your face. That was desirable. That was what I needed to be. What I needed to maintain. Sometimes, I would eat only a small sandwich and a banana in a day. Other times, I would restrict myself to oatmeal and juice. I kept justifying why I wouldn’t eat to make myself feel better. “Oh, I’ve been so busy with work. I didn’t have time to stop and eat.” I’d be with guy friends and they’d see an overweight woman jogging and it was open season. “Haha. Look at that fatty!” They would cry out, laughing.

I felt a knot in my stomach, it didn’t feel right to judge her. I mean, she was trying! Look, there she is! Making an effort!

“At least she’s running, though!” I replied, vehemently trying to defend her.

“Yeah! Running to go eat a donut, I’m sure.” One of them would bleat. I knew that feeling. I spent endless hours at the gym doing cardio to punish myself for a single cosmic brownie I didn’t have the will power to say no to. I would run and sweat and sweat and run, until my face was numb. Sometimes, I saw double. I remember looking in the mirror, blacking out, and waking up on the floor with a bump on my head. I was so dedicated to confining myself within this small body. I wasn’t allowed to take up space. Eating less and working out more was the answer. My overall health didn’t matter as long as I was “desirable.”

Fitness and gym culture became a large influence on my day to day life. One of my other more prominent epiphanies resulted from a common argument: “Why do girls wear makeup to the gym?” At first, I assumed it’s because they want “attention.” They must be there with a full face of foundation, perfect eyebrows, and contoured cheeks because they NEED constant validation. I mulled it over and realized that my views were a result of internalized misogyny. Not everything women do is a performative action to appeal to men. Women wear makeup for a plethora of different reasons. And the fact that I wanted to knock them for it was simply out of jealousy. I wasn’t brave enough to wear makeup to the gym, nor did I ever look as good as they did while doing it. Why did I even care in the first place? What caused me to be so brash? Why did I want so badly to dislike someone for something so simple? I became honest with myself and the answers flowed in. As a result, more topics of scrutiny  began to arise. Dress codes, for example: I used to think that women should cover themselves as to avoid negative attention from the male gaze. I recalled the abuse I dealt with and how I was called a whore, a slut, a skank, you name it, for wearing a skirt, a tight shirt, and eyeliner. When discussing sexual assault or rape, people say things like, “Look how she was dressed! She deserved it!” trying to place blame on the victim as opposed to the perpetrator. I thought of myself, as a victim of rape and assault. I thought of how my abuser tried to make it my fault and how I reflected those actions unto others in the same situation. The fact of the matter is, a lot less rapes would happen if a lot less people would stop raping other people. Period.

My early twenties consisted of working in a largely male-dominated industry. I was often the butt of jokes, the target of blatant sexism, and a victim of harassment. A lot of my male coworkers expected me to balk to this behavior, but I was growing ever tired of the constant barrage of backhanded remarks and unwanted advances. I was accused of working at a video game store to “impress men.” But, I wasn’t. That wasn’t my intention at all. I loved video games. I always had. Yet, now, somehow, I had to PROVE that I loved them and that it wasn’t for attention. I saw myself as the woman in the gym with makeup, the one who wore it just to wear it, but got accused of doing it for someone else. Everything was starting to make sense to me. All of these circumstances were linked. My hatred toward women was more of a coping mechanism than anything else. It let me feel better about myself and provided me with a false sense of security. What I kept forgetting is that *I’m* also a woman, no matter how much I try to set myself apart. I couldn’t justify the disdain.

Ironically, fitness also acted as a significant step in my healing process. I connected with women who power lift and dare to look “masculine” without fear of judgement or ridicule. I learned to eat and treat food and respected my body as a vessel of my mind, as opposed to a temple of temptation. I started lifting weights and doing yoga. It was for me. Not for anyone else. And it felt great. I started wearing compression shorts, not to show off, but to be comfortable in my movement. Each time I would stretch them up my waist and walk out the door, I would recall how I used to see women who would wear them and think to myself, “How wrong was I!?”

What remains constant is that women can (and should) like what they want, but it never comes without ridicule. Ridicule is a reaction that is bred from one of three things: envy, projection, or insecurity. People are so ingrained to automatically have contempt for anything a woman does. Society takes any and every chance it gets to paint women in a negative light and perpetuate the terrible stereotype that has become commonplace. When you start seeing women as people with value, and not as objects, competition, or second class citizens to scorn, you become more satisfied with yourself as a result.

Internalized misogyny is a very real thing. It’s what caused me to see myself as less of a person due to my gender, develop an eating disorder, allow myself to be abused, and convinced me that I should act a certain way just so I could be called “cool.” That’s right, I used bigotry against other women just to gain brownie points with other people. And I’m not proud of it. What’s important is that I admit it, and hopefully my honesty will influence others to understand how easy it is to fall prey to this phenomenon.

Women are wonderful. Women are powerful. And there’s nothing to be ashamed of if you’re a woman.

[staytheb]

Like Oh 2.0 - #BESTLEADERJBDAY

Previous Chapter: Happy New Year Word Count: 2,886 Summary: It’s JB’s birthday as well as a fan meeting in Taiwan! He invited Melanie and of course Melanie drags Serena along as she can’t go to these things alone.

Like Oh 2.0 masterlist

it’s here! jb’s birthday especially within the new year. um... just two more chapters and the story is complete. the relationship status of the couple is slightly a little more clearer as well. but yeah, um happy reading and kthxbai, Admin Lia~

"I still can't believe we're really here." Serena stated in awe as she and Melanie sat among fellow IGOT7s at GOT7's fan meeting held in Taipei, Taiwan at the Taiwan International Convention Center. "Of course." Melanie laughed. "For his birthday he wanted me here." "Well, you could've come by yourself." Serena deadpanned as she adjusted the ahgabong onto her other wrist. "You know I don't go to these things alone. Besides, I'm pretty sure your man wanted you here, too." Melanie teased as she elbowed her sister playfully. "Don't try to deny it since we're gonna go to LA on the the twenty-ninth." "Sure." Serena dismissed her sister as Melanie laughed.

~~~~~~~

The fan meeting was going well with many things already happening. The sisters found out that Jaebeom's parents were there as well and sitting among the other fans in the audience. Serena teased her sister by saying that Jaebeom probably wanted her to meet his parents, too, which made Melanie rolled her eyes at her sister's words. Still a heart thumped hard against her chest at the mere thought of it. Anyways, GOT7 opened with the Chinese version of Let Me and then Prove It afterwards. Then the group did their greetings and introductions while also speaking in Chinese for their fans and showcasing their language skills. Everyone greeted Jaebeom with a 'happy birthday' in Chinese when it was his turn. Jackson skipped over Mark so he would be last to say more words compare to the other members.

After that they then played charades with the fans before their next two stages of Boomx3 and Just right. Once both performances were done they went into their first talking ment with BamBam leading the crowd to do a wave of sorts. Later GOT7 answered post-its from the fans with majority of the questions being directed towards the leader due to his birthday. The other six were acting and singing cutely towards Jaebeom due to his birthday as they knew he couldn't deny them with Jackson going first, followed by Jinyoung, and then Yugyeom who grew embarrassed during the segment. Next was Youngjae being his typical cutie self and then by BamBam shoving a heart in Jaebeom's face. Finally Mark ended it with his cutesy self and later his high-pitched voice saying 'JB' made him stop from continuing.

Jaebeom thought it was over until Youngjae read a post-it where a fan wished Jaebeom a happy birthday, but wanted to see the leader's aegyo causing the older male to become fluster and everyone else cheering for Jaebeom to do it. Eventually giving in, Jaebeom did it after psyching himself up with the help of Jinyoung telling him to do it while facing towards a specific camera. Jackson's announced the next post-it note that he had chosen that wanted Jaebeom to do a sexy dance and Jaebeom pointed out that his mother was in the audience. However it just caused Jackson to egg the leader on even more as Jackson asked for the music to play and 'Prove It' came on. Jaebeom seemed embarrassed and shy, but nevertheless he went with it and his mother even signaled him with a heart above her head to encourage her son and even showing a thumbs up afterwards.

Following that act Mark's sticky note requested for Jaebeom to do the 'I'm So Sexy' dance, and the leader did it alongside Yugyeom by his side. Next was Jinyoung's note where he chose one that wanted Jaebbeom to sing and he did, but for not that long must to dismay of fans and even Melanie who wanted to hear more. Luckily, Jinyoung wasn't satisfied with it and Jaebeom sang a little longer and a bit louder where the fans even waved along to his singing. Some more things happened with Youngjae reading for Jaebeom to do another sexy dance while showcasing his English speaking skills as the fan had written in English. Later BamBam read another for the leader to dance to girl group songs. Jaebeom didn't want to do either, but with the members pestering him he once again gae in finally danced to Red Velvet's Dumb Dumb as the song had randomly come on.

Some more fun happened with Yugyeom picking out a note requesting for yaja time with BamBam and Yugyeom having lots of fun with this little segment much to the dismay of the older members. Luckily, that was the last bit for the sticky note board and they moved on with GOT7 performing two more songs which were Fly and If You Do next. Then came the special project from IGOT7s which was dedicated to Jaebeom for the idol's birthday where they had prepared a special video. Within the video also had Jaebeom's mom delivering him a heartwarming letter which caused Jaebeom to shed a few tears upon watching it. A moment later the birthday cake was presented while singing the happy birthday song before GOT7 ended the fan meeting with their title song, Hard Carry.

~~~~~~~

Melanie and Serena actually returned back to Taipei 101 Sparkle Hotel once the fan meeting was over to rest before heading home later the next day. As much as the sisters wanted to stay and hang out with the group, but they couldn't just walk up and have access to the backstage without having to explain this and that. In the end the sisters didn't bother with Melanie sending Jaebeom a text that they had left back to their hotel instead. Anyways, once the sisters were back at the hotel Melanie went to shower and Serena changed clothes before lying on her stomach to upload her fan-cams onto Instagram like she usually did after such an event.

Some time later Melanie got done showering while cleaning out her ears with q-tips as Serena was a third of the way of uploading her fan-cams onto her social media account. Both sisters were chilling on their respective beds as they re-lived the fan meeting experience like they always did. "I think you got some serious competition, Mel, because Jackson was seriously all over Jaebeom." Serena commented with a chuckle upon seeing one of the many moments of the two together as Melanie laughed in agreement. "I know right. He'll always be his number one fan." "Still though, I hated Jinyoung's hairstyle even though he looked handsome as always." Serena complained as Melanie shrugged indifferently. "That's just you." "Yeah, basically."

The duo continued to talk before becoming silent to do their own thing in comfort. Serena continued uploading one minute clips unto her Instagram with Melanie later changing into something more casual cozy instead of staying in her tank and shorts. Serena eyed her sister weirdly upon hearing Melanie moving around the room more than normal. "Um, where you going?" "Dunno yet. It's a secret." Melanie laughed not facing her sister while putting on light make-up. "You gonna meet up with your idol boyfriend who's now my ex-bias?" Serena cooed as Melanie cast her sister a playful look. "Maybe." "Then have fun and hope you guys get to eat cake or something if you do."

Serena went back to paying attention to her mobile device when a knock sounded from their hotel room's door a moment later. Melanie went to answer it while gathering her things and telling her sister that'll she back soon. Serena replied with an 'okay' and heard muffled talking, but she wasn't really paying attention as the door clicked shut afterwards. Serena was still lying on her stomach and uploading the last few videos on her Instagram when she felt one side of the bed dipped a second later. She turned her head to see what had caused it and was surprised to see Mark sitting there with a silly smile. Unconsciously, she scooted away from him while sitting up, placed her phone off to the side, and eyed him suspiciously. "Um, why are you here?"

Mark reached out to take a hold of Serena's hand. "I can't visit my favorite home girl?" Mark chuckled as he tugged her forward and Serena wasn't expecting him to do that and she lurched forward almost falling into his lap. "What are you trying to? You're not supposed to be here in my hotel room alone like this!" Serena panicked as she scrambled away from the male in her flustered state while Mark laughed. "Relax. I was messing with you." Serena stopped her fussing and glared at the idol. "Haha, not." She mockingly stated to him as Mark continued to smile wider at her behavior. "Go back to your hotel and hang out with your members, Mark." Serena told him as she began pushing him off the bed. "Some of us are trying to be regular fans here and upload fan-cams for others to see."

Mark stopped her by wrapping his arms around her once they were standing. "Why are you trying to kick me out when I just got here?" "Because I can." Serena reasoned as she unconsciously wrapped her arms around Mark. "Fine. You can stay. Is JB coming back with my sister though?" "No, Serena. He kidnapped her." Mark joked as Serena slightly hit him with her fist as Mark laughed in response. "You're not supposed to make jokes about Melanie like that." Serena scolded him. "Only I can make jokes like that about my sister." "Whatever you say, Serena. Now, let me see what videos you be uploading about me." Serena scoffed as she pulled herself away from Mark. "Excuse you, Mark, but I record everyone and not just one person." "Maybe you should change that?" "Nope. Not happening."

~~~~~~~

Jaebeom and Melanie wandered the streets of the Linjiang Night Market, also known as Tonghua Night Market, as it was close by to the hotel. This night market was more local and not many tourists frequented the spot so it was easy for the pair to walk freely hand-in-hand despite their get up as they scanned their surrounding. Although neither spoke Chinese they didn't let that deter them from having a good time with one another. Upon the beginning of the street Melanie spotted the fried steam buns stall and tugged Jaebeom towards the delicious smelling place. The duo were in luck as it wasn't that crowded and were able to order quickly. Luckily, Melanie learned enough Chinese to order food when she came with Serena last night when they explored the night market.

"I really love the dumplings and the buns." Melanie told Jaebeom as she ate between both items as Jaebeom laughed while eating the bun first. "This is really good." "Because it's steamed on top and fried at the bottom. That's why it's super delicious." Melanie informed him as the duo continued their walk when Melanie smelled something stinky, but knew what that could mean after finishing both of her dumpling and bun. "Let's get stinky tofu, Jaebeom." Melanie suggested as she pulled the idol towards the stall. "Do you really want to eat that, Chaewon?" Jaebeom asked after finishing his food as well. "I do. Unnie and I tried the deep fried one last night."

Jaebeom was hesitant due to the smell, but it turned out to be good in the end. "Okay, Chaewon, it wasn't that bad." Jaebeom admitted as Melanie grinned while eating her own. "Haha, I know right." The two continued on when Melanie spotted another familiar cart which was another stinky tofu one, but Jaebeom told her no. The duo continued on when they spotted Lou Rou Fan across from the second tofu cart. "Ooh, this one is super delicious as they have the fatty pork juices mixed in with the rice. We should order some meatball and daikon soup, too." Melanie said excitedly as Jaebeom laughed, but patted their hooked arms. "Whoa, Chaewon, calm down. We still have the rest of the stalls to check out." "Oh, haha, well, let's just tried the pork rice for now then."

Once done the couple moved on down a few more stalls where they enjoyed the different types of egg tarts at another stall. Jaebeom was disappointed that the seller didn't have just a strawberry flavored one, but Melanie had him try one with a matcha green tea crust. Another with a chocolate crust and even one filled with caramel filling to just bring up his mood from not having just a strawberry one. Before leaving, Melanie also purchased a black sesame flavored one and a mango cheese which Jaebeom told her she had weird tastes although he wanted to try the flavors himself and Melanie smirked at him.

Melanie and Jaebeom soon came upon a bubble milk tea shop where the male idol got his strawberry fix while Melanie got herself a pistachio and almond flavored one. They talked and finished their drinks before backtracking back to the hotel until Melanie remembered that there was one more place that they should visit as they made a left down Tonghua Street to stop by Gua Boa where they served their classic dish which was pork belly sliders. Of course they had other fillings, but Melanie ordered basic one which was the pork belly with pickled greens, parsley, and peanut sprinklings from the last time she had it with her sister. Jaebeom really enjoyed the sandwiches that he order another set for him and Melanie before leaving back to the hotel.

"So is this our second date?" Melanie asked the idol with a teasing smile as she and Jaebeom were close to the hotel. "Yes." Jaebeom smiled. "Yes it is. Thank you for coming all the way to Taipei for my birthday, Chaewon. I know you didn't have to, but I really appreciated it that you did." "You're very welcome, Jaebeom. I couldn't miss your birthday again now that it's a new year since Jyongri unnie and I celebrated the other boys last year." Melanie reasoned with a smile. "Besides, it was another excuse to attend your guys' fan meeting concerts." "So are you here because of me or because it's just GOT7 related?" Jaebeom asked with a serious tone as Melanie chuckled and planted a kiss on his cheek. "Both."

"Okay, fine. Still means that I'm part of GOT7, anyways." Jaebeom said as he pecked her on the lips quickly while Melanie shook her head with a smile as the two entered the hotel and were now outside Melanie's hotel room. "Thanks again, Chaewon. I'm sorry you couldn't meet my parents though." "It's okay, but I still think it's a little too early for that anyways, Jaebeom. Don't you think?" Melanie told him with a shy laugh as Jaebeom cupped her face lovingly. "I guess you're right, Chaewon, but one day for sure since I think y'all would get along." "I would hope so, but one day, Jaebeom, but not today." She agreed as the two shared one last kiss for the night. "Now, need to get Mark hyung and we'll get going." "Okay."

The duo entered the room and saw that the other pair were asleep within each others' arms. "This is so cute and funny." Melanie whispered as she brought out her phone and took a picture while Jaebeom looked at her confused. "Why is this cute and funny?" "Because unnie said she would feel bad for the guy she's with if she did these couple things and here she is doing it despite what she claimed she wouldn't do. So I got proof that she was bullshiting me this whole time." Melanie grinned while examining the photos she had just taken. "I don't know if I should be worry or not." Jaebeom chuckled as Melanie grinned at him. "Don't worry about it."

"Alright, I won't if you say so." He said as he rubbed his neck nervously while looking at the sleeping pair. "Um, should I wake up Mark hyung or should you wake up Jyongri noona?" "Oh, yeah, right. I forgot about that." Melanie remembered as she put her phone away. "I'll wake up her so she can wake up him." Melanie did just that and Serena stirred awake as she sleepily looked at her sister. "Back already?" "Yeah, but JB and Mark need to get going." "Okay." Serena turned to face Mark as she shook him awake. "Five more minutes." He groaned as he nuzzled his face closer to Serena causing her to laugh softly. "Sorry, but you need to get going."

Mark groaned, but got up as Jaebeom took a hold of his member to keep him steady. "Good night and take care." Serena bid them as Melanie walked the two out. "You're not gonna give me a goodbye kiss?" Mark pouted as Serena chuckled with a shake of her head. "No." Mark quickly rushed back to Serena and stole a kiss before running out of the hotel room with the other two laughing as Serena smiled at Mark's action. "Good night, Jaebeom." Melanie bid him a good night as Jaebeom did the same. "Good night, Chaewon. Thanks again." "You're welcome and I hope you had a good birthday." "I did, especially thanks to you. Sweet dreams and take care." "Same to you." The two share another small kiss before Jaebeom joined Mark at the elevators to return back to their own hotel and the other members.

[water1oo]

another long post bc it’s 4 am lol sorry

it got a bit !!! towards the end of the week because he talked about wanting to marry me. a couple nights ago he said “i’m so in love with you, and i know this is way too soon to say outloud, but i want to marry you.” it wasn’t a proposal, but he was just saying how he felt. and since the beginning he’s been saying he only dates with the endgame in mind, but this was the first time he said it in a way that sounded like he wanted that to happen now.

and no fears, we aren’t getting married anytime soon. we both talked about marriage and kids before we even started dating and we have a timeline we plan on sticking to (marriage at 26/27 and kids at 27-29). we also know we’ve been together for a very small amount of time. but he kept saying that even though we had a very fast paced relationship (bc honestly it’s been super fast paced) it felt right and not rushed at all. and i know he isn’t just crazy, because he’s told me about his ex and he didn’t ever feel like this with her. it’s only been with me, like jeez he said i love you 3 minutes after he first asked me to be his girlfriend after telling me horror stories of people doing that to him on first dates  (and he even told me he fell in love with me even before that). i know it’s not like this with every girl, it’s only with me. he told me it took him two weeks to say i love you to his ex (before we even started dating so he isn’t lying to making me feel special) after they started dating, and that’s that he already knew her for 2 years beforehand. he’s just been like this with me.

anyways, after he said the marriage thing i told him that yeah he had all the qualities i wanted in a husband (which is true, i’m like seriously in love with this guy) but that nothing like that could happen until we were older. and he said he couldn’t wait until we were 26 to propose

and ever since he said that marriage thing he kind of jokingly keeps saying things like “can i just pop up the ring now?” and saying things like “haha we just made a decision like a married couple would’ve” and making comments about how we’ve been living together the past week and how much he couldn’t wait to do that in the future every day. and like. here’s the thing. before he asked me out he made a lot of similar jokes about us being together, and he didn’t act on anything until i finally said i liked him. so a part of me wonder if that might happen again, not that i’d let that happen because we’re way too young 

but i dunno....it feels amazing to have someone feel so much for me. because i can see it that he loves me that much. when he was drunk he was chanting on about how he wanted to have all my babies and blah blah blah and he does the same when he’s sober. i can see it. it feels amazing to not have to question how he feels about me. 

but i’m kind of worried he’s infatuated with me and is making more of me than i am. he was in a bad relationship for three years so after that he thinks i’m a godsend and too good to be true, he says he’s never been happier and i dunno i’m scared that just how he fell for me so quickly he will fall out of love with me quickly too. i don’t know what if he’s just in love with the idea of me? he told me nobody has ever approved of a romantic partner of his this much before and maybe those things are making me seem greater than what i am to him. i’m just worried idk.......eventually he’ll figure out there are also other girls like me who aren’t assholes and move on. i mean, this really hot friend of his is into him and she could be a better me and idk idk idk idk. i’m scared he’s in love with the idea of me. not that he’s ever projected unto me i don’t know i’m just worried! he’s always saying he thinks i’m too good to be true and gah i’m worried 

[brynabroad-blog]

Russian Student Conference

Every Spring here in St. Petersburg, a local university hosts a huge conference to give students the opportunity to present and publish their own personal research projects on any and every theme you can think of – in Russian of course.   My advisor informed me of the conference last Fall when I got here and without a mere second thought I was like, “heck yeah, that sounds awesome!  I’m totally in.”  The idea of the thing is to choose a contemporarily relevant aspect of Russian culture that interests you (such as literature, immigration/emigration, politics, literature, literature, literature haha) and develop a research system that you feel will really help you get a feel for it (such as interviews, observation, study of pop culture, etc.).  I felt pretty good about it because It was always months and months and months away.  Until it wasn’t anymore haha.  Knowing myself as I do, I had the presence of mind and forethought to choose a topic for my project early: “What is the ‘Russian Dream’?”.  Everyone knows about the “American Dream” and I’m pretty familiar with the American drive for success and I wanted to know in what ways Russian culture’s conception of success and achievement of goals and dreams is similar and different.   My research was to consist mostly of interviews with Russian people, but would also include a survey of popular modern Russian films, watching for what the main hero’s quest was aimed toward and what helped/hindered his mission.  I also wanted to weave in the view of the Russian Orthodox Church as its presence in Russian culture for the last 1,000+ years has been unsurpassable.  I was able to start v..e…r…y... slowly interviewing people early on last semester and thus very effectively lulled myself into a very cozy, very false sense of security, and of being “ahead of the game,” haha.  All of a sudden it was time to submit my application to the conference (which luckily required only an outline of my project) and I hadn’t even started yet!

 I can go from feeling like I own the entire globe to feeling like I’m being squished under the weight of it in about 0.2 seconds. And vice versa.  I make that trip in both directions pretty often. Sometimes I think it’s because I’m crazy, but most of the time I’m pretty sure it’s just because I’m alive. In fact it’s probably a trip you’re quite familiar with yourself.  Anyway, this was one of those times haha and I felt very squished indeed.  I had just kept pushing the project off, feeling like I had plenty of time until it was LITERALLY three days before the presentation and all I had was my raw data with no previous start on pulling it all together into a paper to be published or a presentation.  Oh, and it was about this time that I received word that – not only had my concept been accepted, but mine would be one of the six main projects to be featured and presented at the plenary session of the conference. HA!  

             I cried some.  I whined and complained more than some.  I felt generally pretty sorry for myself and rued the day I signed up for the conference.  But wouldn’t you believe it, none of that got me anywhere.  When it came down to it I just had to pull a couple of all-nighters and handle it.  And though my positive emotions at the time were perhaps few, I am no happy to report, I did it!  The morning of the conference arrived.  I put together what I thought was a classy and stylish outfit (looking back at the pictures now though, I’m just like why??? Haha), did my makeup and my hair, and set off for the event!  I went over with one of my fellow classmates who was also participating and we met our advisor there.  During check-in, the girls at the desk asked, “which session are you presenting at?”  and I gurgled out, “Oh, um…. The Plenary session.” With a little dread and (now that I was actually prepared haha) more than a little excitement.  

           I really have no sense for good estimates of headcounts in crowds, but even I recognized that there were over 100 spectators in the hall, all seated and ready for the plenary session. Before I knew it, it was my turn to present!  I had worked hard on my paper and practiced and practiced my presentation.  I was ready!  But I was also very nervous.  Would people even be able to understand my Russian through my accent??  Well, I went for it, and honestly it was a hit!  I mean as much as a student project at a conference can be a hit haha.  I was pretty nervous, and while I was able to keep my voice steady for the most part, I was UNable to keep my hands steady haha and my notes rustled in my hands.  I spoke about my finding that while there’s no stereotypical cultural understanding of “The Russian Dream” like unto “The American Dream,” there definitely WAS a common theme in the dreams that Russian people had expressed to me.  That theme was – FAMILY.  “The Russian Dream” is less material and probably more meaningful.  People – even young people - are more concerned with creating and raising strong families than with climbing the career ladder. All career goals that were mentioned to me were in relation to being able to provide for the family – either future or current.  This holds in Russian pop culture as well.  The heroes of Russian movies aren’t rich, nor do they aspire to be – and if they are, it’s something they need to overcome, not something that helps them.  There’s usually a great moral feat to be accomplished (often involving family) and not only is material wealth not involved in the quest, material wealth is often a hindrance to the quest.  The Russian Orthodox church, which has so deeply influenced Russian tradition and culture for so many centuries that now, regardless of religion, the Church’s influence is so deeply woven into the culture it’s just taken for granted, professes this same idea – material wealth is a stumbling block to the truly good things in both this life and beyond it.  

             I had been so stressed out about that conference, but I left it that day on an actual cloud.  I had never given a presentation to a large group before and CERTAINLY not to an academic Russian audience.  But now I HAVE.  Honestly it was one of my best experiences of the whole year here.  I am SO GLAD that I signed up to do something so challenging, even though – and especially because! – it wasn’t required.  It would have been easy to just pass that up and save myself the effort.  But (now that it’s over lol) I’m so grateful that I maximized on the opportunity.  

[f0restpunk]

getting excited to finish my workday, so i can watch the #seasonpremier of @handmaidsonhulu tonight on @hulu, starring @elisabethmossofficial and Samari Wiley (@whodatlikedat), based on the #novel by @margaretatwoodofficial (still need to get caught up w/ @harlotsonhulu, as well). been meaning to read this #book for a hot minute, so i've taken this opportunity to start, in anticipation of the #tvseries. It's funny (not in a haha way) to look forward to and want to indulge in such bleak, heavy subject matter - but it's important. For anyone who cares about #feminism, #reproductiverights, freedom, liberty and everything else for ALL and not just SOME, it's vital to indulge in #dystopianliterature such as this. #SciFi has always been a projection of our deepest hopes, dreams, and fears for the future, illustrating the present in the process. As someone who is personally passionate about freedom, personal expression, individuality and being able to pursue yr goals, dreams, and higher calling, i find the premise of being basically given over to slavery deeply troubling. Sadly, this #dystopia isn't that far from reality for a lot of girls and women in the world, if they lack the education, resources, or conviction to trust themselves rather than the people who supposedly love them. They great trapped in prescribed roles, instead of what they would or could become. Now, that's not to disparage childbirth or marriage for those that are into it, but those should be personal choices, made out of love and conviction, instead of force and terror. To paraphrase Jesus, from Mark 25:40 (to put it in a context people from #Gilead could understand) "whatever you do unto the least of my sisters, you do unto me." And to all the #masculine-identified people out there, i encourage you to explore these hard, troubling matters, to truly consider the #female experience. It's not that different from yr own, when you really look. Will be back, with thoughts on both the book and #tvshow. #TheHandmaidsTale #MargaretAtwood #ElisabethMoss #SamariWiley #tvnews #feminist #feministscifi #ourbodiesourselves #dystopian #feministliterature #amreading #tvblogger #bookblogger