#not lying about the inevitable future venting I do in fact encounter a lot of mind-numbing progressive university student body shenanigans

[nothingmatters-everythingmatters]

Hi hi! It's ya girrrlll

So I read your rant (delightful BTW, I'm a nosey hater at heart lol) and am here to ramble too! :3

Firstly though, I'm really sorry for the situation you're in and hope it gets better. I'm lucky enough to have an accepting family (my parents and sister at the very least) and to have recently moved to western Europe where it's pretty progressive(?) in terms of lgbt stuff (ignore the fascists and right wingers behind me trying to access the governments), but I can imagine how isolating your experiences might feel. Hang in there, there are better things in store, I'm sure!

Now for the rest of your rant, I found that you've raised some interesting points, notably about how amabs can easily take on the lesbian label while some afabs have yet to claim it for themselves due to the homophobia they mightve endured and amabs probably haven't thus far (they probably dealt with transphobia as transfems, which I'm not gonna diminish no matter my views on transgenderism, but they probably haven't really dealt with lesbo/homophobia especially if they're pre-transition). Afterall, lesbian transfems were probably straight guys before, and their orientation is sure as hell not condemned by the wider society.

It kind of reminds me of this one lesbian transgirl ik who I met on a server on discord and formed a group of online friends there which included her. I knew her before she came out/identified as trans and I remember at that time she'd sometimes mention how she'd listen to lewd asmr of girls and such. She also talked about how she wished she was lesbian. So I, being the lesbian debator I am, basically said that that's not a great thing to say (I refrained from saying it sounds fetishy), but she replied with basically saying that I don't understand and that lesbian love or whatever is so "pure" unlike hetero love or something. So guess how I felt when she started identifying as a lesbian trans girl and later found out it's something observable in a portion of the online transbian community (not saying every transbian is like this, but still). (Oh yh she also (sort of?) cheated on her gf so there's that but I don't think it's related.)

I think I feel a similar sentiment as you in the sense that while I can sympathise with some of the struggles transfems may face, I find it irritating at times when people seem to go above and beyond to label/treat them as "the most sapphic and lesbian ever" as you put it, most of the time in an effort to validate their identity and place in the sapphic and wider lgbt community, when they probably never had to face the struggles afab sapphics were faced with since forever and more importantly some say some... Questionable things about their orientation and attraction to women. Not all obviously, but still. Am I making any sense lol?

I definetely don't think transbians have 0 place in the sapphic community, I think it's a complicated matter and there can be some gray areas (I also have grown increasingly distant from the (at least online) lgbt/lesbian community the past year so idrc about most discourse ig), but I kind of wish this was all treated more "normally" if that makes sense and that afab lesbians or sapphic could talk about certain things related to their orientation without constantly being scrutinised to make sure they're including trans folk in everything ever. I also kind of wish we could call out problematic behaviour in trans people without being called transphobic, but I think this applies to specific cases mostly.

Anyway I think I was mostly nonsensical here, apologies, but feel free to reply to whatever you managed to latch onto here lol.

Also, if you ever feel the need to vent and don't feel comfortable airing those issues on tumblr.com for whatever reason, my dms are always open, I check into this hellsite daily <3

~🪼

(wow retroactive preface I go on a long ass ramble about semantics in this I apologize in advance for how many times you might have to read the word "definition" lmao)

hey!! so happy to keep seeing you here around these parts (my inbox, that is) and I'm glad you especially do get some enjoyment out of my far less polished vent posts :p I always feel bad when I post something so singularly interesting to me and me alone because it is just a full on personal blog moment, but to be fair to myself this entire blog is an exercise in actually voicing my own opinions and feelings for the sake of learning to express myself better, and it is nice to know even in the least poignant or least thought out posts, it isn't just fully self-beneficial lmao

I also (of course, as always) appreciated your response! honestly, I admire how level-headed and nuanced you can be with these topics, I myself often feel like I swing wildly from being harsher with my words and trying desperately to be as passive as possible to appease everyone, and I do have to say it is an ongoing challenge for me sometimes to strike that perfect balance between understanding but still standing by my convictions and not solely focused on people pleasing. it's a bit of a weird life, in my private time I do feel like I tend to be highly cynical and sort of an asshole lolol, especially towards other people, but in public I would never dare say any of the things I think because at the end of the day, I do still feel as if preserving friendly atmospheres among peers is paramount to being a productive part of a society. I'm like the opposite of the asshole with a heart of gold trope, in a way. gold with the heart of an asshole lmao

all that to say, I think you make some really astute observations that are still compassionate to trans women who identify as lesbian, while still pointing out the objective faults of their common language and behavior! I really think this (like so many issues whose current is pushed most strongly by the english speaking west) is a matter of semantics for the most part. labels, communities based on labels, and their inherent flaws I guess. because I really have no problem with someone identifying as a trans woman and also having a sexuality surrounding liking women, or if they want to talk about it or even if they want to define it separately than heterosexual attraction. it's their attraction, and I'm not the ceo of how people choose to define their own sexuality (and I wouldn't want to be, that sounds like a headache job lmao). for me, I think the issue really comes with when personal definitions of sexuality are enforced upon others, and when suddenly, highly personal definitions become community-defining ones. the term "sapphic" is such a great example of this weird treatment of labels and their definitions. the term "sapphic" can mean a lot of different things to different people, despite the fact that it is, at its core, a term held together by a single definition. in our society people will ideologically define every single word in a definition differently (ex. what does love mean? what does a woman mean (lol)?) and so even a fairly universal term can be personal based on one's own framework of thinking. BUT the thing is, a lot of transbians/people who identify as queer/tra positive/whatever you want to call the current hegemonic popular opinions of the lgbtq+ have taken to a personal definition of words like lesbian and sapphic, and have decided to supplant the originally fairly universal term and replace it with something that does kind of inadvertently alienate a lot of people who identify with the most "neutral" and non-ideological version of the definition (women who love/are attracted to women). instead, the basic definition has essentially shifted in its meta, though the words stay the same, the meaning is pushed to imply these terms can be understood as "someone who identifies as a woman who loves/are attracted to people who they identify as women" and that's just both too broad and too specific at the same time, excluding those who don't agree with the notion of identifying into what was previously understood as a sex class, and including people who wouldn't have even met the original definitional criteria to begin with. this, in turn, creates a vacuum in meaning, allowing for "aesthetic" to take over as the primary meaning of the term. I think that's where that "weirdness" comes in.

it's hard to find community with people who are coming at the definition of what the community is built on from a completely different direction. when I think of being "sapphic" (other than the brainrotting pop culture/online/algorithmically driven stereotypes) I simply think of being attracted to my same sex, that being female, and that being women. but, I would assume for transfems, they obviously don't have the simple way of just relying on same sex attraction as a definition, because they don't see the world in that way definitionally, and must apply more effort to justify why their attraction to women deserves to distinctively be defined from regular opposite sex attraction. that's where we get the strange insistence on sapphic love being more "pure" or making their entire personality curated towards "sapphic culture". in a way, though on the surface I am still pretty jealous that they get the privilege to express these thoughts and be backed up so strongly by people I know who would care less about me, I do feel bad that they must subconsciously feel the need to "prove" they meet the criteria for these labels because for them, there is no easy, biologically material fitting of the definition. I personally will have never have to care that much about fitting lesbian stereotypes or involving my life in sapphic culture. in fact, I basically can't not be sapphic. it's just the only way my future looks. it's the only way my attraction manifests. people will see me as a lesbian (well, that or a nerdy disheveled teenage boy at first glance lmao) just based on how I don't present in a way that centers men. it's the only way I fall in love.

and yeah, it really would be nice if there was space for a community where we could discuss that reality, openly, in mainstream progressive spaces! but for reasons that would be pretty bleak if we unraveled them, people would much rather play these games of labels and proving your place in them than creating avenues for people to congregate in spaces that actually bring them community and cater to their needs.

as always after these really really tangled word threads I slowly begin to run out of steam so I'll just wrap this up and say you made excellent points dear anon! maybe one day we can all just accept that sometimes definitions should be exclusive in that they exclude people who don't fit them, and not exclusive in the way that they exclude people who do fit them, and that afab women, and especially afab sapphics, deserve the right to preserve spaces for themselves without having to worry about appeasing men or anyone they don't want to!

and wow holy shit this is a whole lot of words trying to pick apart the way words can mean other words sometimes I would not blame anyone if they skim most of it lmao.

tl;dr the meta of labels and their definitions are kinda dumb and I'm maybe more dumb for spending so much time thinking about them

and lastly, thank you for the kind offer of your dm space as an area for venting! perhaps...I will take you up on that offer...it is inevitable I will be struck by another petty urge to vent about people in my life because I continue to work with people who are essentially the most fascinating but headache inducing parts of tumblr and twitter personified and I do still primarily have very "gendery" friends irl! we'll see if I end up having anything interesting to say about it though first, or if I can bear to actually talk to someone online once instead of passively yelling into the digital void!

[ihavealavalamp]

TELL ME ABOUT WALTER I DONT KNOW HIM VERY WELL BUT I LOVE HIM

WELL

Walter Goodmen, previously known as Gormadon Onkmetaryttis, is a silver dragonborn bard who favors the lute. He comes from the Onkmetaryttis family, which is a long line of dragonborn warriors that live atop a snowy mountain overlooking a town called Frostvale. He has an older sister named Siarick, and a younger brother named Velerin. From the start, Walter was much more emotional and weaker than what was expected of a Onkmetaryttis child, and it took a long time to even separate him from his mother. He had a tendency to wander off a lot as well, which led to an incident where he got separated from his parents while in Frostvale, and encountered an older human named Willard (human fighter/paladin, played by elijah) who, while he held a grudge against the Onkmetaryttis family for not assisting in a goblin attack that led to his wife’s death, gave young Walter ice cream and helped him find his way back to his parents.

Walter’s childhood was far from happy. His natural gentleness wasn’t seen as proper by his family and led to them being tougher on him, bordering on abusive towards him. When he was around 3 (dragonborn age weirdly, to humans he was abut 10ish) he messed up badly during a training session, and to avoid his inevitable punishment, he ran away into Frostvale. He wandered around the town for hours, unwilling to go home, until it grew dark out. Eventually he came across a moon elf busking on the dark streets, and Walter was immediately enamored by his music. The moon elf, Ellar, noticed Walter as his only audience and offered to teach Walter how to play the lute. He sat there with Ellar for hours playing the lute, and by the end of the night Ellar decided to give Walter the lute, making him promise to return it in the future once he became a successful musician. Walter eagerly accepted, said farewell to Ellar, and returned home.

Now that he had something positive in his life, Walter became determined to be the best musician in the world, and to find Ellar again someday and thank him for the gift. At first, he would sneak out into the woods at night to practice in secret. Then he started sneaking down to Frostvale, and with support from Willard who he reconnected with (at one point Willard was at a very low point in his life, but after hearing one of Walter’s songs, he decided to carry on), he started busking on the streets and playing in bars. Wanting to not be associated with his family, and to prevent them from finding out about his musical career, he started going by the alias ‘Walter Goodmen’ instead of Gormadon. He became well-known amongst the residents of Frostvale, and well-loved for his friendliness and talent.

However, when Walter was around 20, his father found out about Walter’s secret, which led to a confrontation. His father broke the lute in front of Walter, causing him to fly into a rage. They got into a huge fight, with Walter somehow ending up as the victor. Leaving his father badly injured, Walter gathered up the remains of his lute and ran off. He managed to use magic to mend it back together, but the guilt of the fight eventually caught up to him, so he found himself in one of his usual performing bars that night. He vented to the bartender, who at this point was a good friend, and talked about his fight with his father. However, he was unknowingly overheard by a group of suspicious folks who were at the bar as well that night. Knowing that the Onkmetaryttis family was rich and that they were at a disadvantage, they decided to go and ransack the place while the family was in such disarray.

Eventually Walter decided to come back home, but arrived to disaster; the estate was ransacked and partially destroyed from the fight, his family was injured, and his father, who had already been weak from his fight with Walter, was dead. Horrified, Walter tried to help, but his sister attacked him. She had overheard the bandits mention Walter, and believing that he had sent them to the estate to attack them, she threatened to kill him if he ever showed his face in Frostvale ever again. Terrified of his sister, Walter grabbed the few important belongings he had, and fled the estate. In a bad mental state and scared to go alone, he ended up at Willard’s door at 3am, and asked if he would at least accompany him to the nearest town. Despite Walter giving next to no explanation behind his injured state and his exile, Willard easily agreed, and the two left before dawn. Walter didn’t look back.

Willard ended up staying with Walter on his journey, with Walter travelling to spread his music everywhere, and eventually find Ellar again to return his lute. Two months pass as the two travel, and the events of the campaign begin. After a lovely performance in a bar in the town they’ve stopped in, Walter and Willard discuss their route to the next city, and plan to go through a dungeon rumored to have treasure, since it’s along the way. They are overheard by Ahlosse Tuckfish (high elf rogue, played by simone), who makes a career out of swindling and lying to travelers. Ahlosse offers to help them through the dungeon, in exchange for a portion of the treasure they find. Willard is immediately suspicious of Ahlosse, but Walter is quick to trust him, and accepts his offer. The next morning they find the entrance of the dungeon and encounter a man named Monty (human rogue, played by josh. at first he was gonna be a temporary player, but eventually became full-time). With Monty’s silver braided hair and instrument, Walter mistook him as Ellar from a distance, but quickly realized his mistake. The three found out that Monty was also going into the dungeon, and he became a part of the party as well. Willard and Ahlosse were wary of him, but Walter being Walter, he trusted Monty immediately.

After many dungeon shenanigans, the party eventually finds out that the dungeon is actually the tomb of a starved archlich. Despite Walter trying to befriend and reason with it, the archlich takes most of the team down with no problem, with Walter being the first to go down. After Monty successfully takes it down on his own, everyone else comes back to full health, and inspect the ruins. They find an immense amount of gold that is evenly split between them, and also a strange book regarding liches. While Willard takes the book, he awakes to find it gone, taken by Monty who is also gone by the time morning comes around.

Ahlosse, for some reason, decides to stick with Walter and Willard as they continue their journey, and eventually forms an odd friendship with Walter, with Willard slowly starting to trust him more. Eventually Monty returns as well, and sticks with the party with the sole intention of finding them interesting to be around.

A few sessions go by, and Willard is revealed to be of the Murkblood family, a long line of paladins. They also find out that the government consists mostly of liches and is filled with corruption. Walter learns that Monty has heard of Ellar, but has no idea where he may currently be. At one point, while under the influence of Zone of Truth, Walter references to the fact that he has caused a death before, but refuses to talk about it once confronted about it. Monty was sent by the government to retrieve the lich book from the first session, and had known about the lich government the whole time. He warns Walter that things are going to get chaotic soon, but he has to trust him, even if Ahlosse and Willard don’t. Walter is hesitant about this, stating that he’ll decide who to trust when the time comes. They befriend a halfling lich named Maurice, who they pretend to kill in a fight, while secretly keeping his phylactery safe as they wait for him to come back.

In the last session, the party finally made it to the capital. However, they’re almost immediately attacked by soldiers in the street, and kidnapped. When Walter awakes, he finds himself in an interrogation room of sorts, and meets Danny Mcgrass, the president (i made him up as a joke but now he’s a real serious character. im in hell). Danny requests for Walter to play a particular song that he had played with Ellar way back when they first met. After stalling for time and realizing there was no way out of the room, Walter finally played the song. He then found out that Ellar was also captured by the government, with Danny saying “Don’t worry, we won’t hurt Ellar,” then leaving without explanation, leaving Walter devastated and distraught that he was so close to his goal, but couldn’t do anything about it.

Eventually Walter is escorted out of the room, and as he’s walking amongst other rooms, he sees through the window of one of the rooms, and sees that it’s Ellar in the cell, the same as the day he met him. Walter struggles to get to him, calling his name, but Ellar can’t hear him and Walter is easily restrained by the guards.

As he’s escorted into a court room, the party learns that Danny plans to have the three (Walter, Willard, and Ahlosse - Monty is nowhere to be seen by them at this point) accused of treason and ‘executed’ so that their deaths can be faked, because Danny has some sort of ulterior motive involving mostly Walter and Willard. Monty is tasked by Danny to act as their defendant in this court, but to manipulate the situation to make them seem guilty.

As Walter and Ahlosse sit next to each other, they discuss how they’re pretty much fucked and will end up executed. Ahlosse tells Walter that he’s innocent and doesn’t deserve to be in the situation, while Ahlosse believes that he does. However, Walter tearfully tells Ahlosse that he doesn’t want Ahlosse to die, and that he cares about him. As they lose hope in the situation, Walter tells Ahlosse that he does deserve to be in this situation, and finally tells Ahlosse about the killing of his father, believing this to be their last opportunity to talk. Ahlosse tells Walter that it wasn’t his fault, and Walter isn’t sure what to say, as he has been blaming himself for it for over five months at this point.

However, Monty suddenly betrays Danny, using a magical item to remove the restraints on the rest of the party. Chaos ensues as they try to flee, with Walter making a beeline for where he had seen Ellar. Danny does everything he can to stop their escape, but his plan goes to shit when, unexpectantly, Maurice awakens from his phylactery in the nick of time. Maurice creates a portal for the others to escape, the location of where they’ll end up depending on whoever has the strongest will. I happened to roll the highest for this decision, so when the team comes out the portal, they end up in Ellar’s cell. In the matter of seconds they destroy Ellar’s restraints, and with his help, break out of the building and eventually find themselves in one of Monty’s safehouse, finally able to take a breather after all that.

Walter approaches Ellar nervously, unprepared for this situation and in shock that his goal is finally before him, returns the lute. Ellar is surprised and seems uncomfortable with meeting Walter again after all these years. He’s shocked that Walter only searched for him for “the lute thing”, and seems reluctant to reveal the other reason as to why Walter would have been looking for him. With a sneering prompt from Monty, he hesitantly reveals that he is actually Walter’s biological father, and that he is actually an ancient silver dragon that prefers his elf form. And that’s where we ended last session.

Basically Ellar is an ancient silver dragon, but his good looks as an elf caused him to really get around. Eventually he ended up impregnating an elven maiden, and upon birthing a fucking dragonborn child, she threw the baby at Ellar and left in a huff. Unsure of what to do with the child and having next to no parenting abilities, Ellar tried to raise young Walter, but realized that he was no good as a father. He eventually left Walter at the steps of the Onkmetaryttis household, hoping that he would do well in a household of fellow silver dragonborn.

Years later Ellar returned to check up on Walter, and being particularly not observant, assumed that everything was fine in little Walter’s life. He left Walter with the lute to give him a goal, which he was lacking at the time. Not long after, he was captured by the government and kept for about 10 years now, with the intention of using his immense power for some sort of ulterior motive that Danny is planning.

So long story short, Walter spent his whole life looking to thank Ellar for making his life not so miserable, only to find that it was Ellar who put him in said miserable situation in the first place. And oh boy I can’t wait for the next session, cause Walter has some things to say about that.