#not like Oswald who could probably send out an entire storm-

[disney-mystical-au]

“No matter how hard I try, I’ll always end up as the weak one…”

[thegreenfairy13]

Dog Sitter - Part 2: Gimme Back What’s Mine

A Gobblepot fanfic. When Oswald loses his dog, Jim Gordon finds it. He’s pretty good at taking care for the furry Ed. You can also read it on Ao3. 

When the Penguin enters the GCPD, all heads turn. Which is to be expected when Gotham’s most feared criminal mastermind, a sadistic assassin, as well as two men who came back from the grave, pay a courtesy visit.

The kingpin puts on a polite yet tight smile. He can’t wait for being finally reunited with his Ed.

For sure, his poor friend is being locked up in Gordon’s tiny, filthy rathole the Captain calls an apartment, all alone the entire day. He can’t even imagine what his furry companion must have endured during their week apart.

Oswald doubts Gordon bothers to feed him anything else than lousy canned food and for sure doesn’t change his water more often than once a day - if he changed Ed’s water at all since finding him that is. The kingpin vows to visit the vet the second Ed is back in his arms where he belongs.

“Where’s Gordon?” the Penguin barks at last when the fine police force of his beloved city continues gaping wordlessly at him.

“Penguin,” Bullock answers from the back of the room, slowly rising from his seat. The man hasn’t changed at all since their first encounter back at Fish Mooney’s club. His clothing is still rumpled and his hair still greasy. On top of all that, he’s got no manners. Oswald can hardly mask his disdain for the cop.

“What’s your beef with him this time?” he asks back, eyes narrowing at the illustrious assembly of gangsters. With a gesture of his hand, he orders the other cops to stay put, probably being painfully aware of the fact that any form of resistance will have terrible consequences.

“Oh, I can assure you, good detective,” Penguin responds innocently, “I have no dispute with our honorable Captain of the GCPD at all. When limping closer, the smile fades from the Penguin’s face, revealing his icy, emotionless eyes in the process. “That is if my property is being returned to me unscathed of course,” he hisses determinedly.

Bullock’s hand drops to his side as he stares at the criminal’s thin form in obvious confusion, mentally for sure going through all recent police investigations.

“And what should that property be?” he asks when returning empty-handed from his musings.

“My Edward of course!” the smaller man bursts out, eyes blazing furiously. “Gordon is keeping him from me despite knowing full well I’ve been looking for him the entire week!”

Oswald doesn’t care he’s shouting in the middle of the GCPD or losing his composure in front of an audience. After all, this is Ed they are talking about and not some mundane business matter. Besides, Jim must have known Oswald had been looking for his dog! For sure he must have checked websites about people looking for their lost pets. After finding out it had been him to lose his Ed, he must have marveled at his misfortune, glee increasing day by day over Oswald’s tremendous pain.

“Nygma?” Bullock retorts incredulously. “We haven’t seen Nygma for months. Neither me nor Jim. He’s still wanted for robbing a couple of banks,” he elaborates. “This time, you came to shout at the wrong dudes, Penguin.”

“I don’t mean that idiotic imbecile of a wannabe bank robber!” Oswald snarls, almost tripping when stomping his foot to underline his words. “I mean my dog - Edward! An English Bulldog. Gordon found it a week ago and refuses to return him to me!”

Harvey’s entire face drops. “Whoa, whoa, whoa - wait a minute.” Holding up his hands placatingly, the detective tries to soothe the fuming kingpin.

“Do you mean Chester?” he inquires in bewilderment. “The dog Jim found a week ago in Gotham Central during his lunch break? Cause he checked “lostpets.com” every day to see if anyone reported a missing bulldog. Nobody seemed to mind until you came storming in here, screaming your lungs out.”

Spinning on his good heel, Oswald faces Gabe. “What is he talking about?!” he roars. “Didn’t  you place an ad on that page too?”

In a matter of seconds, Gabe first flushes beet-red before his face turns positively ashen. After opening and closing his mouth wordlessly a couple of times, he whips out his smartphone and checks the page.

“Boss,” he starts tentatively. “I might have forgotten to hit the “send” button,” he admits carefully. If possible, Oswald would explode on the spot but before dying from embarrassment. Yet, a thing Bullock said gives him pause.

“Did you say Gordon named my dog Chester?” he questions imperiously, mouth quirking into a wicked smile.

Before Bullock can answer, Cobblepot hears the sound of Gordon’s well-known voice.

“Come on, Chester,” he coos softly from the door. “Just a few more steps and then we’ll enjoy some nice roast beef. Don’t you like that? Oh yes, I know you do,” he finishes, crouching down beside the dog, totally oblivious to Penguin’s presence.

Oswald observes how he scratches Ed behind the ears before adjusting a bag from a grocery store around his wrists. Then, he bends down. Scooping the dog up in his arms he starts walking towards the stairs leading to his office. “Daddy just knows you don’t like stairs, don’t you?” he asks cheerfully while carrying the dog through the precinct, looking the happiest Oswald has ever seen him.

Gaping at the scene unfolding in front of his eyes, the gangster watches how Gordon starts climbing the stairs, completely engrossed with the pet in his arms.

Harvey snorts beside him. “If that’s your doggo, Cobblepot, you gonna have to pry him from Jim’s cold, dead arms.”

Scowling in annoyance, the Penguin follows the detective.

Jim is still fussing over the pet when Oswald reaches his office. Through the blenders, he observes the Captain of the GCPD preparing a fresh bowl of water and placing roast beef, rice, and cooked chicken on a plate. Ed, on the other hand, is entirely focused on the meal he’s about to receive while he keeps running in circles around the Captain’s legs.

“Always so impatient,” Jim chuckles when finally putting the plate on the ground. He pets the dog before readjusting a doggy basket he placed behind the window overlooking the precinct.

It’s exactly the moment Gordon notes the Penguin’s presence. Or well, the presence of his perfectly polished shoes and cane.

Rising slowly to his feet, Gordon gives the ruler of Gotham’s underworld a long, severe stare before yanking his door open.

“Cobblepot,” he growls menacingly.

“Captain Gordon,” Oswald greets politely back.

At the sound of his voice, Ed’s ears perk up. Forgetting his luxurious meal, the dog starts wiggling his tail-less butt in excitement and storms towards the door.

The heavy, tank-like creature crashes against his good leg, almost sending Oswald flying to the ground in his delight of seeing his rightful owner again. Not that the kingpin would mind.

Opening his arms, Oswald embraces the velvety thing that started making all kinds of ear-piercing, terrible sounds in his endless joy. The barking is only occasionally being interrupted when Ed’s tongue darts out to lick each and every trace of make-up, mascara, and kajal from his owner’s face.

“My Eddie,” Oswald crows victoriously, barely holding back the relieved tears threatening to stream down his smudged face.

When Ed is finally done with making a mess out of his owner, he simply turns around, retreating to his neglected meal and starts munching as if they had never even spent a second apart.

Meanwhile, Gordon takes everything in with his patent stoic expression. When Oswald has straightened out his suit, he retreats behind his desk in an attempt to put some space between him and the gangster. He doesn’t speak, simply watches the gangster wearily.

When Ed is finished, Oswald snaps his finger. “Come on, Ed. We’re leaving,” he commands.

The dog gets up immediately, but before he can reach his owner, Jim speaks too. “Chester, stay down,” he growls harshly and the dog freezes, unable to decide which command to follow.  

“Ed,” Oswald repeats, tapping his cane impatiently.

“Chester,” Jim barks and the poor dog looks from one man to another and finally decides to just curl up on the carpet in front of Jim’s desk.

Sucking in an outraged breath, the King of Gotham puffs out his chest and takes a step towards the cop sitting behind his desk like a fat spider.

“Jim,” he starts, flashing his teeth at the man in an imitation of a smile, “I came to retrieve my dog. It seems you cared quite decently for my Ed so I’m happy to compensate you for any…”

“No,” Jim interjects curtly. “Before I return this animal into your care, I need proof that you are the rightful owner. Sorry,” he adds, flashing him a sharkish grin. “Regulations,” he elaborates with an almost apologetic shrug.

“Captain Gordon,” Oswald starts, leaning over the table until he’s almost nose to nose with the cop. “If the dog’s reaction wasn’t proof enough…”

“It wasn’t.”

“In this case,” the Penguin smirks triumphantly, “I have all the paperwork right here.” And with that, he drops a certificate of rightful dog-ownership at the desk. “I take it we are done here?” he finishes, raising his eyebrow curiously at the Captain.

Pressing his lips together in obvious contempt, Gordon picks up the papers as if they had personally insulted him. Perhaps they have. He unfolds them carefully before studying them thoroughly.

Oswald rolls his eyes.

“They seem legit,” comes the verdict at last. “But you will understand, those papers will have to be verified. That might take a while,” he adds sternly.

The kingpin could outright scream. If he were anywhere else but at the GCPD, he would probably stab the man sitting in front of him for daring to keep him away from his property. And if it were anyone else but Jim Gordon, a traitorous little voice in his head appends.

Locking eyes with the other man, Oswald straightens out his immaculate suit and takes a step back before doing something stupid and promptly walks on a dog toy. When the plushie squeaks loudly, Ed lunges at it and starts pulling it out from under his shoe.

Looking around in annoyance, Oswald, at last, notes how many toys are scattered across the room. He can make out various rubber-bones, three more plushies in various colors, another doggy basket beneath Gordon’s desk and four different leashes hanging neatly beside Gordon’s trench-coat as well as a blue dog-jacket.

And suddenly, the puzzle is solved. Oswald keeps staring at the small piece of clothing a moment longer before addressing the Captain again.

“Ed means a lot to me too,” he elaborates gently. “I need him back in my life,” he confesses, pulling out a chair and sitting down. The dog then comes over and gently nudges his foot with his nose. Patting him tenderly, Oswald gives Jim a pleading glance.

Gordon’s hard stare finally softens but it’s too early for breathing a sigh of relief. Oswald knows better than anyone else how lonely Jim must be too. The ridiculous collection of dog toys speaks volumes.

And hasn’t the Captain lost a lot too? Both his fiancees turned into criminals, he lost his unborn child and Sofia Falcone almost succeeded in seducing him and using him to take down their beloved city. And then that nutter Valeska showed up, almost blowing up Jim Gordon and all the bridges connecting the Gotham with the mainland.

Life hasn’t been easy on the good Captain either, the kingpin muses. And according to his information, he hasn’t had a relationship since that short-lived fling with Sofia. He must be in need of something to lay his love on. Something he can cherish before all his compassion goes to waste.

In the meantime, Jim has become unusually quiet. He’s for sure weighing the Penguin’s words, fighting an inner battle, torn between doing what’s right and what’s convenient for him.

“So, you called the dog Chester?” Oswald asks, trying to lighten the mood. “I have to admit, it’s fitting.”

Jim snorts. “Don’t flatter yourself. I didn’t name the dog after you.”

“Oh, I would have never assumed,” Oswald winks. “But now that you mention it..”

“I named him after the dog on a nineties sitcom,” Jim elaborates. “Mind, the dog on the show was a Pomeranian. But I always wanted one,” he admits, scratching his neck awkwardly.

“A Pomeranian?” Oswald echoes incredulously, trying to picture the tall, handsome, fit Captain with one of these tiny, fluffy creatures at his side.

“What?” Jim snaps back. “They are cute.”

The kingpin hums in agreement. “I guess they are,” he offers.

“Oswald,” Jim starts tentatively and somehow the way his name is spoken sends all kinds of alarm bells ringing inside the gangster’s head. After all, Jim only calls him Oswald if he wants something from him.

“I can’t return Chester into your care,” he finally confesses. “You do realize, your line of work isn’t really ideal when it comes to caring for a pet,” Jim concludes.

Head snapping up, the Penguin looks Gordon straight in the eye. “Well, that’s rich coming from you of all people. You are honestly trying to tell me you are the perfect dog owner? With your working hours? And all those shootouts at the GCPD? On an almost weekly basis?”

“I would never take Chester with me to a shootout,” Jim huffs while pushing some papers around on his desk.

“Guess what,” Oswald barks back. “Neither do I. But from what I’m experiencing, the shootouts come to you!”

“Not as often as they come to you,” Jim retorts angrily. “After all, you are a criminal,” he spats and Oswald’s patience is spent - entirely.

“Oh, and you are not?” the kingpin drawls. “You are nothing but a dirty cop living in endless denial about that fact, constantly lecturing me from your high moral horse. I’ll tell you what: this is my dog and you keeping him from me does nothing for your precious law.”

For a second, Oswald is certain he has won when Jim’s shoulders slump, guilt written all over his features. The Penguin knows it was a low blow. Despite all his flaws, Gordon truly always gives his best, tries earnestly keeping up some kind of order in this hellhole of a city.

Besides, he would never betray him the way Nygma did and shoot him in the gut. Gordon only ever comes after him with handcuffs and a warrant. And even if tarnished, his moral compass is still intact. Jim Gordon is probably the only cop in Gotham who never accepted a bribe.

“Then it won’t come as a surprise to you: I’m keeping Chester,” Gordon answers, clenching his jaw angrily.

Well, that is a surprise. Taken aback by the determination in Jim’s voice, the Penguin sputters.

“You won’t get away with that” he hisses menacingly. “Edward belongs to me and no one else!”

“No!”

Slamming his fist on the table, sending all kinds of papers flying, Oswald pushes himself into Jim’s personal space again. “You,” he starts, “are the most irresponsible person I know. You can’t maintain a single relationship of yours. You would probably forget Ed entirely when chasing me again for a crime I didn’t commit…”

“It wasn’t me who lost the damn dog!” Jim hollers, rising from his seat.

“Your girlfriend lost your baby because you were too selfish to do the right thing!” Oswald screams back.

The effect is instantaneous. Jim reels back as if the Penguin had really stabbed him. Hands dropping to his sides, he becomes a picture of calmness - and of barely contained rage.

The moment the words have left his mouth, Oswald’s eyes go wide. Clamping a hand over his mouth, he wills them back inside but the damage has already irrevocably been done. No, no, no! He didn’t mean to get carried away that much in his anger. Reaching out, he tries putting a consoling hand on the other man’s arm. Jim yanks it away as if his touch would burn him.

Wordlessly, he starts collecting the dog toys and puts them in the plastic bag he previously used for bringing the food. When he’s done, he adjusts a collar around Ed’s neck and drops the leash as well as the bag into Oswald’s limp hands.

“Get out,” he commands, voice barely above a whisper.

Yet, the Penguin is unable to move. He just sits there, staring apologetically at the cop.

“You got what you wanted,” Jim tries again. “Now get the hell out,” he repeats his request, more urgently this time.

“Jim, I’m…”

“I don’t want to hear it!” His voice feels like a slap to his face and Oswald can’t blame him.

His relationship with Jim Gordon is a long and complicated one. They use and sometimes abuse each other in order to receive their goals. But there are unwritten laws to their endless game of push and pull. One of those rules is not to kill each other. Another would be evading low blows.

So far, Jim has played according to those rules. He never called Oswald out on his physical disability or named him a freak. He also never belittled him for his love for the Riddler. And now Oswald went and used Jim’s greatest loss against him. It for sure was the lowest blow he can think of.

“I’m sorry,” Oswald whispers when leading Ed out of the precinct.

[hysterialevi]

In the Smoke pt. 22 (Cobblebats)

(Sorry that this one took a while to post, I was a little stumped for a few days, but I’m back now. Hope you enjoy!)

From Thomas’ POV

GCPD

Observing the city from a rooftop, I scanned the surrounding area like a hawk for any of the Children of Arkham, ready to fight at a moment’s notice. I wasn’t entirely certain if Bruce had been genuine when he warned me about their next attack, and to be honest, it was a risky move focusing all my attention on the GCPD, but the commissioner’s death wasn’t something I was willing to risk. Gotham had lost enough of its citizens. I couldn’t let it lose the person protecting them.

“Batman,” Gordon’s frantic voice broke the silence as the lieutenant approached me from behind, cigarette in hand. “Have you seen anything yet?”

“No,” I answered. “The Children of Arkham are quiet tonight. Probably hoping to take the GCPD by surprise. What about Gideon? Has he said anything?”

He hesitated. “That’s the thing...” Gordon sighed. “He’s gone.”

I turned away from the edge of the roof, facing Gordon. “What do you mean he’s gone? Is he dead?”

“No, no,” he quickly corrected. “Not dead. Just missing. I dunno how, but the bastard managed to escape. And you know what’s even stranger? None of my men can recall when he did it. Just think about it. All those guards keeping watch on him--and not a single one can tell me when Gideon broke free. There’s also the fact that no one got hurt. It’s like he just...vanished...into thin air. Like he never existed. It gives me the creeps.”

 I prepared my drones, commanding them to circle around the GCPD. 

“Well, we can worry about Gideon later. For now, we have a much bigger threat to deal with.”

“Right,” Gordon crossed his arms. “Those freaks have already taken a few officers hostage. We can’t let them get their hands on Grogan too. I have everyone on high alert and prepared to come face-to-face with the Children of Arkham, if need be. There’s also a small group ready to go in case they decide to hit elsewhere in the city.”

“Good thinking.”

Gordon let out a breath, scratching the back of his head. “We need to get these maniacs out of our city, Batman, and soon. I’ve never seen a threat like them before. They’re ruthless.” A trail of smoke puffed from the lieutenant’s nose. “At least when they killed Falcone, they were helping us. Killing Grogan though...we can’t let that happen.”

I agreed. “And we won’t.”

Just then, Gordon’s walkie-talkie scratched with a static-like noise.

“Lieutenant, some of our men at the south wing are under fire! There are snipers trying to take ‘em out!”

Before Gordon could respond, I already equipped my grapple-gun and aimed it at a building across from the GCPD, preparing to fling myself across the giant gap as I glanced over my shoulder.

“I’ll deal with the snipers,” I told him. “You just keep your men safe.”

The lieutenant nodded as thanks. “Thank you, and good luck. This isn’t going to be easy.”

Pressing the trigger, the grappling hook jolted outwards and engraved itself into the other building’s surface, allowing me to soar through the sky as the darkness cloaked my tracks and police sirens flashed beneath me. Meanwhile, I could see officers scurrying all over the place like little ants, doing their best to secure the station and keep the terrorists out as gunfire began reaching my ears. The fight had already started. Now, it was just a matter of staying alive.

From Bruce’s POV

Waiting for Oz’s signal, I patiently guarded a group of hostages that we had collected as I sat on the edge of a desk, all of them staring at my mask in curiosity. It was ironic, I thought, how I was called “The Unknown” when the entire city was more than familiar with the shield that covered my face. If only they knew who wore it.

Fiddling with my gun, I thought back to the argument I had with Oz at the club as a sense of guilt started to tear me apart, making me wish I had never said any of those things. He was the only person I had left in this godforsaken city, and the last thing I wanted was to lose him. Though, as much as I loved the man, I couldn’t help but feel as if what we were doing was wrong.

It all made sense in the beginning. Hill and Falcone, they were both stains on Gotham, and I didn’t even have to question why we’d want to get rid of them. Their deaths meant safer lives for Gotham’s citizens, and with my father’s empire coming to a collapse, the chances of what happened to Oz and I happening to anyone else slimmed down drastically. 

But killing Grogan? What was that going to do besides piss the GCPD off even more? They were already at our throats and hunting us down like animals as it was. Murdering the commissioner was just going to paint bigger targets on our backs, and at the moment, that wasn’t something we could afford.

“Boss,” one of my men jogged up to me, “Penguin says we’re ready to move. The commissioner’s still inside the building, and everyone’s prepared to attack. He wants you to lead.”

Acting as if I never heard what he just said, I remained motionless in my seat, glancing back and forth from my gun to the hostages as he stared at me in confusion, waiting for an answer. 

“Boss?” He repeated, frantically looking around. “Should we...should we get going?”

Gently pushing myself off the desk, I suddenly found myself cocking my pistol and firing a bullet into the man’s head as all the hostages gasped in unison, gaping at me in bewilderment.

“Boss--!” One of the other men exclaimed, “What the--what the fu--”

Before he could even finish, I had shot him on the spot as well, his body landing with a heavy thud as silence filled the air, everyone waiting to see what my next move was. I brought my attention to the hostages.

After thinking for a moment, I holstered my gun and replaced it with a knife, cutting all the police officers free one by one, only to have none of them attempt an escape.

“Well,” I gestured towards the door, tilting my head in its direction, “what are you waiting for? Get outta here!”

One of the officers rubbed their wrists, looking at me with suspicion.

“Why are you letting us go?” They asked with narrowed eyes. I let out a breath, taking my leave.

“Believe me, I’m asking myself the exact same thing.”

From Oswald’s POV

“Any word from The Unknown?” I questioned, waiting in position. Roland shook his head.

“No,” he growled. “Nothing. Not from him, or his men.”

I sighed in irritation, muttering to myself. “What the hell is he doing? We don’t have long until Grogan decides to flee, and as if that weren’t problematic enough, Batman’s joined the party as well. He jumped in way before we arrived, apparently. Warned the police ahead of time. The GCPD were better prepared than we thought.”

Leaning against a wall, my brain suddenly lit up with realization. “Actually, now that I think about it...how did Batman know we were coming? Gideon couldn’t have told him. We planned this attack after he was captured.”

Roland gave me a concerned glare, lowering his voice. “What if someone else told them? Someone who didn’t like what we were doing...?”

“What are you talk--” my eyes widened at the suggestion, and a flare of worry began to grow inside me. I tore myself off the wall. 

“Bruce,” I snarled under my breath. “That bastard. He’s the one who told them, isn’t he? Fuckin’ hell.”

Pulling my mask over my face, I started heading towards the police station with haste, beckoning for my men to follow me as everyone gave me questioning glances.

“If Bruce isn’t going to help us,” I said to them, “then we’ll kill Grogan on our own. I don’t care how much that traitor tries to stop us. The commissioner ain’t gonna live to see the sun rise.”

From Bruce’s POV

Snatching a pack of dynamite from our supply, I sped over to where the Children of Arkham had parked their vehicles and set the fuse ablaze, doing my best to avoid the snipers’ bullets that rained on top of me as I rushed to a good position. Not everyone seemed to be aware of what I was doing yet, but it wouldn’t be long until they figured it out. I had to move. And fast. Even if the Children of Arkham succeeded in killing Grogan, I wasn’t going to let them escape.

Mustering all the strength I had in my body, I bolted through the storm of gunfire and shielded myself from flying debris as the fuse shortened, golden sparks violently spraying everywhere. 

“Stop him!” I heard one of Oz’s men shout as they aimed their weapon at me, preparing to fire. I threw myself behind a nearby wall and flattened my body against the ground, their bullet missing me by no more than a split-second. 

I checked the dynamite’s fuse. It was going to explode at any moment now. There wasn’t enough time to find a proper angle to toss it from.

Taking a leap of faith, I whipped my gun out and fired a series of random bullets at the snipers on the rooftops, sending them into cover for a few, precious seconds as I hopped over the wall and tightened my grip on the dynamite. 

I took a deep breath. Here goes nothing.

With a strained shout, I hurled the explosive as far as I could towards the vehicles as it landed straight through an open window, illuminating the inside with a bright, red, flickering glow. Then, not even a heartbeat later, the vehicle suddenly blasted into smithereens with a fiery cloud, lighting up the entire police station...but that wasn’t the end of it.

The vehicle parked beside it also caught fire, and before I knew it, all of them were being blown to hell, one by one, like a domino effect as everyone froze for just a moment to witness it. 

From Oswald’s POV

Staring outside of the station in disbelief, I watched the chain of explosions as if it were a damn firework show, unable to move my feet from where they had planted themselves in the floor. Our weapons, our supplies...our only means of escape--all of it destroyed by...him. By the man I loved most. The Unknown.

Pressing the button on my walkie-talkie, my voice practically shook with rage as I spoke through it, my gaze still nailed onto the ball of flames surrounding our vehicles.

“...what the fuck are you doing...?” I whispered to Bruce. “Have you lost your goddamn mind...!?”

There was a long pause of silence. I glared at the device as if I were speaking with Bruce face-to-face, waiting for an answer. Then, a short string of static broke through.

I heard him sigh in a solemn tone. “...yes.”

And with that said, Bruce disappeared from contact, refusing to respond anymore. 

“Dammit.” I cursed. Angrily latching the walkie-talkie back onto my belt, I marched up to one of my men and yanked their assault rifle from their hands, making a beeline directly for where Commissioner Grogan was hiding in the station.

“What are you doing, boss?” Roland called after me. I didn’t even bother looking back.

“Finishing what we started.”

Breaking into the main area of the station, I ordered my men to begin attacking the other policemen--including Gordon--so that I could deal with Grogan alone as Roland bulldozed his way through them, knocking people left and right. So far, there was no sign of Batman, and with most of the force already lying dead, the commissioner didn’t have as much protection as he did before. Though, with Bruce going rogue, there was no guarantee he wouldn’t help out. If I wanted to kill Grogan, I’d have to do it now.

Aiming the rifle at his head, I steadily held my breath and prepared to shoot, only to be tackled to the floor by an unknown assailant. Looking up at the man who was currently holding me down, I saw none other than the masked vigilante himself, the two of us wrestling around whilst my men dealt with the police.

“...Batman...!” I exclaimed through gritted teeth, trying to shove him off, “always right on time, aren’t you?”

“You’ve caused enough chaos for one night, Penguin,” he gripped my neck, “I’m taking you down.”

I laughed. “You failed at the Skyline Club, and you failed at the debate...just face it, Batman--you’re never gonna catch me,” I reached for my knife. “Not alive, at least.”

Jabbing the knife into his arm, I managed to stagger Batman for a moment, allowing me to retrieve my rifle and fire an array of bullets in his direction, causing him to jump behind cover.

“Roland,” I called out, “make sure the Bat doesn’t leave his cage.”

As the blue giant occupied himself with guarding the vigilante, I continued to carry out our original plan and targeted the commissioner, once again being interrupted before I could even lay a finger on the trigger.

Punching me off to the side, I spotted Gordon approaching me with a spark in his eyes that I’d never seen, his nose crinkled in anger as he clenched his fists.

“Don’t you dare, you bird-masked freak,” he spat. “Don’t you even think about it. I will put you down where you stand.”

I chuckled, adjusting the tie on my suit. “Give it your best shot.”

Dodging the multiple hits Gordon sent my way, I easily maneuvered around his attacks and got up-close with the lieutenant, striking at all his openings and weak points as Roland continued to restrain Batman in the background. 

To my surprise, Bruce was nowhere to be seen so far, and I sincerely hoped it stayed that way. He had already ruined enough of our plans by now, and there was no way to tell if he had anything else in mind. I was definitely going to confront him later, but for the moment, all my attention was focused on killing Grogan.

Thrusting my foot into Gordon’s stomach with a firm kick, I slammed the lieutenant to the floor and locked him in place with a boot on the chest as I pressed the rifle’s barrel directly on his forehead, grinning.

“This could’ve been avoided,” I sighed dramatically. “But you just never know when to stop, do you?”

Cocking the rifle, I suddenly noticed Grogan himself charging towards me out of the corner of my eye, and due to reflex, found myself shooting the commissioner instead as all the policemen in the station came to a halt, watching in paralyzing horror. 

For a moment, Grogan simply stood there like a statue, clutching his abdomen and gaping at me as a puddle of blood began to spread across his uniform, his eyes rolling into the back of his head. Then, with one last breath, he finally dropped to the floor in a lifeless fashion, falling right in front of me. 

I...got him, I thought, glancing at my rifle. I actually got him.

“NO!” Gordon yelled, shoving me off him as he ran over to the commissioner’s body.

Sitting there in shock, I slowly backed away from the murder scene, unsure of how to react. With all the other shit going on, I didn’t expect that I’d actually manage to kill Grogan so quickly, and the surprising success left me dumbfounded. Though, not for long.

Out of nowhere, a lone smoke grenade snuck its way into the station and promptly clouded up the air with a thick fog as my vision was thoroughly blinded, and everyone around me began to cough. That was when I felt someone grab my arm, snatching me away from the pandemonium as they slapped a hand over my mouth to prevent me from blowing our cover. It was Bruce.

“Oz,” he whispered, “are you all right?” I didn’t return the concern.

“...you...son of a b--”

“I know, I know,” Bruce cut me off, frowning. “We can talk about it later. Right now, we just need to get out of here.”

Taking one last look at the wrecked police station and Grogan’s corpse, I decided to put our argument aside for the moment and gave Bruce a nod, allowing him to lead on.

“Then let’s not waste any time.”

Appearing a little surprised at my cooperation, Bruce carefully took my hand before hurriedly dragging me away from the battlefield, the two of us fleeing towards one of the few vehicles that still remained. The rest had been completely demolished by the explosions earlier, and I had no clue how the other men were going to return--if they did. Who knew, maybe HQ would be empty tonight.

I had to admit: even though our mission was a success, I couldn’t help but feel like the total opposite had happened. Sure, Grogan was dead, and the GCPD had been weakened drastically, but at what cost? The Children of Arkham didn’t exactly leave the fight unscathed, and now, as my men were still fighting off the police, I was escaping with a two-faced traitor. The man who caused all this chaos. 

Tearing my mask off, I let out an exhausted sigh before turning to Bruce, neither of us sure of what to say as he drove in silence, taking us to an unknown destination and delivering us to safety. So far, there didn’t seem to be any police cars chasing after us--probably because there were none to spare--and no sirens could be heard in the distance. We were finally alone.

“...Oz,” Bruce suddenly said, his voice just one step away from being inaudible, “...I love you.”

Dammit, why did he have to go and do that? 

Averting my gaze to the window, I tried my best not to make eye contact with Bruce as a million words clogged up my throat and tangled my thoughts, none of them able to describe what I was feeling at the moment. I glanced back at him.

“...I love you too,” I reluctantly replied, dragging a tired hand down my face. “But sometimes you make me wish I didn’t.”

He hesitated. 

“...and yet...you’re still here.”

I leaned my head against the window, placing a soft hand on his lap. 

“Always.”

[one-of-us-blog]

Asylum of the Daleks (Doctor Who S07E01)

Today Jon is forced to watch and recap “Asylum of the Daleks”, the first episode of Doctor Who’s seventh series, as well as its prequel. Our old pals the Daleks are in trouble, and they’re looking from Mr. Oncoming Storm himself, the Doctor. What awaits the Doctor in a prison for the worst Daleks imaginable? And what’s going on with Amy and Rory?

Keep reading to find out…

Eli, I just noticed that adorable way you add bits of flair to your recap… have you always done that? Have your recaps always been quite so… alluring? I can’t help but notice a certain… attractiveness to your “Love Me Tender” recap… Surely it can’t just be in my imagination, right? Well, even distracted as I am by all of the hormones in the air, I can still safely say you did a great job! I don’t love him quite as much as the Girls did, but I still really liked Eddie and find him to be one of the more memorable one-off characters in the series. The next episode is another collection of shorter stories, which I know haven’t always been your favorite, but I hope you’ll enjoy yourself! For now, though, I’ve got a brand new series to kick off!

Buttocks tight!

Prequel directed by Nick Hurran and written by Steven Moffat

The Doctor is having a bit of tea in a cozy café when suddenly a hooded figure appears. The hooded figure tells him a woman needs his help, and then proceeds to vanish every NPC from the café. The figure tells the Doc that the woman he mentioned earlier, Darla von Karlsen, needs his help and that the figure is a messenger for von Karlsen. The figure transports the Doctor to several locations, revealing that the Doc is dreaming all of this and the figure is controlling what happens to the Time Lord in this dream. The figure gives the Doc some coordinates to a planet where Darla von Karlsen and her daughter, who’s in danger, are to be found and helped. The Doctor recognizes the planet he’s supposed to go to: Skaro, home planet of the Daleks.

Episode directed by Nick Hurran and written by Steven Moffat

We see shots of Skaro, and a voiceover explains that first there were the Daleks, and then there was a man who fought them. The man died, in time, but some say he survived and will someday return. The voiceover, who is actually the voice of Darla von Karlsen, hopes for her daughter, Hannah, that the stories of this man are true. The Doctor arrives, and von Karlsen asks him to rescue Hannah from a prison camp. The Doc doesn’t buy von Karlsen’s story about having escaped the prison camp herself, and realizes she’s an unknowing bit of bait in a trap for him. A Dalek weapon emerges from her hand and she shoots the Doctor. A Dalek ship appears outside and declares the Doctor acquired.

Meanwhile, Amy’s in the midst of a photoshoot because her being a model is still a thing. Rory is there to see her, and he wants her to sign divorce papers. She does, and he leaves. The lights in her dressing room begin to flicker, and then the woman doing her makeup begins to sprout Dalek bits, as well. Amy gets blasted and a Dalek declares Amelia Pond acquired. Rory gets on a bus, and the driver blasts him, too, and it’s declared Rory Williams is acquired. Amy and Rory wake up in a Dalek cell, and the Doctor is led in by a few Dale Daleks. They’re all brought before the Parliament of the Daleks, and the Doc says Amy has to make them remember her. The Doctor’s ready for the Daleks to blast his cache, but a raw, unshelled Dalek asks the Doctor to save the Daleks. The entire Parliament soon joins in, commanding the Doc to save them.

After the revamped opening credits, we’re greeted by a young woman named Oswin Oswald (Jenna Coleman) who is enduring some sort of ongoing terror and failing at making soufflés. Turns out the terror that’s trying to get at Oswald are some really angry Daleks. Back at Parliament, the unshelled Dalek, who, it turns out, is the Prime Minister, is ready to speak with the Doctor. von Karlsen is still lurking around, BTW, but she’s been hollowed out by the Daleks and is now just a tool for them. The Prime Minister asks what the Doc knows about the Dalek Asylum, and he says it’s a dumping ground for Daleks who are insane or uncontrollable. He doesn’t get why that would be a thing, as defective Daleks would normally just be killed. The Prime Minister explains that it would be offensive to them to kill beings full of such divine hatred.

The ship the crew is all on arrives at the Asylum, which is a whole planet. The Parliament is picking up a signal carrying the opera Oswald is playing, meaning she’s somewhere in the Asylum. The Doc tracks the signal and talks to Oswald, who introduces herself and lets us know she’s part of the crew of the starship Alaska, which crashed on the Asylum a year ago. The Daleks think this is all irrelevant, but the Doc explains that if someone was able to get into the Asylum then everyone there can get out. The Daleks say the Asylum must be cleansed, but the forcefield around the Asylum keeps it safe and the forcefield can only be turned off from the inside. The Daleks are all too spooked to go to the Asylum themselves, so they’re sending the Amy, Rory and the Doctor down to do their dirty work.

The trio gets beamed down, but they get separated. Amy meets Harvey, another crew member of the Alaska, while the Doctor gets scoped out by a camera controlled by Oswald. The camera is Dalek technology, but it was apparently very easy for Oswald to hack it. Amy, with Harvey in tow, finds the Doc, and Harvey says another beam, the one carrying Rory, touched down nearby. They don’t find Rory, but instead find a large hole that Rory was shot down into. Rory wakes up surrounded by motionless, dusty Daleks. Harvey takes Amy and the Doc to his escape pod, which touched down a few days ago, not a year ago which is when Oswald said they crashed. There are other Alaska crew members inside the pod, but they’re all super dead. Harvey said he spoke to them all a few hours ago, but then he remembers that he’s actually dead and is just another Dalek-controlled meat puppet. The Doc figures out that the Asylum is covered in nanobots which automatically convert anything, living or dead, into Dalek puppets. All the dead crew members sprout Dalek appendages and begin to attack Amy and the Doctor, but they manage to get away.

Oswald hacks in, because that’s something she can just do, and lets the Doc know she’s super smart. She’s also not wearing a bracelet that the Parliament gave Amy, Rory and the Doc, so she’s probably a Dalek meat puppet at this point. Speaking of, the dead crew members managed to get Amy’s bracelet off her, so she’s a prime candidate for puppetization herself. Rory’s still dicking around with the inactive Daleks below, but eventually he pokes around at one that isn’t dead. It wakes up, and causes all the Daleks around it to wake up, too. The Daleks are a little rusty, but soon enough they’re back in the exterminating mood and are shooting at Rory. Oswald manages to steer him to safety and makes time to flirt.

Amy and the Doc make their way down into the tunnels where Rory is and the Doc lets Amy know that she’s already being transformed into a meat puppet by the nanobots. Amy begins to hallucinate while Oswald sends the Doc a map to find Rory. The Doc manages to catch up with Amy in time to let her know the people she thinks she’s seeing are actually Daleks, who give chase when the two run away. The Doc goads A Dalek into self-destructing and then uses it blow up a bunch of other Daleks. Rory reunites with the Doc and Amy. Oswald says she’s shielded herself from the nanobots, but chaboi is suspicious.

The Doc has a plan to use a Dalek teleport to beam back up to the Parliament ship. Oswald is going to drop the shield around the Asylum and the Parliament will blow up the Asylum, but the Doc thinks he can get them beamed up before the planet gets nuked. Oswald says the Doc has to come and get her before she does anything to the shield, so he leaves Rory to look after Amy while he goes and gets Oswald. Time for some relationship drama! Turns out Rory thinks he’s always loved Amy more than she’s loved him, but she says that’s not true. Because of the experiments done on her at Demon’s Run she can’t have kids (other than River), and Rory’s always wanted kids. She gave him up so he could find someone to have his babies… because adoption doesn’t exist in the UK? Rory wants to give her his bracelet so she’ll be saved, but turns out the Doc already put his bracelet on her while she was knocked out and didn’t tell the humans so they could hash this drama out.

With the marriage saved it’s time to get back to the Dalek thing. The Doc’s passing through an intensive care unit, filled with Daleks that he’s irreparably damaged in the past. He’s only a door away from Oswald, but she can’t open it in time to save the Doc from the advancing Daleks. She manages to hack into the telepathic web connecting all the Daleks, and makes them forget everything they know about the Doctor. She gets the door open, and realizes Oswald is dreaming everything around her. In reality she’s stuck inside a Dalek shell; she really is a genius, and the Daleks in the Asylum wanted to exploit that genius so they did a full conversion on her and turned her into a fully-fledged Dalek.

Oswald’s Dalek nature begins to take over, and she prepares to exterminate the Doctor. She manages to hold off long enough to ask why the Daleks hate the Doctor so much. He explains that he’s fought them many times before, and she says the Daleks have grown stronger out of fear of him. She regains her humanity long enough to tell the Doctor to run and take down the forcefield around the Asylum. She tells him she’s Oswin Oswald, and she’s human, so that’s how he should remember her. Amy, Rory and the Doctor make it back to the Parliament ship, but Oswald’s memory wipe deleted the Doctor from the memory of every Dalek in existence, meaning all the Daleks have forgotten him. He takes the TARDIS and leaves, dropping Amy and Rory (who are together again) off at home.

The End

~~~~~

I’ve got to say, I’m not sure how I feel about the Daleks losing all their memories of the Doctor… they’re his most iconic villains, but now he’s just some dude to them, and that feels weird to me. I’m glad we didn’t waste a lot of time this series on the drama between Amy and Rory, but the fact that it apparently never occurred to Amy that she and Rory could just adopt a kid if they wanted another one so badly struck me as odd. The old, dusty Daleks looked really cool, but I’m not sure how I feel about the meat puppets. von Karlsen was still around by the end of the episode, so I’m assuming that’s going to be a thing with the Daleks from now on and I’m just not sure it’s necessary. The Daleks are already more than capable of being genuinely intimidating antagonists if they’re used well and sparingly, so them now having human familiars feels a bit like putting a bumper sticker on a Ferrari. I don’t want to say Oswin was annoying, because I think the actor playing her did a great job, but… I don’t know, there was something about a human being inexplicably smart enough to hack the Daleks and her being so calm despite having lived in this hell for a year that struck me as a little unbelievable. I thought the reveal at the end was well done, though, and I liked that she got to be the hero.

I give “Asylum of the Daleks” QQQQ on the Five Q Scale.

We’ll see you again on Tuesday when Eli will reminisce throughout the next episode of The Golden Girls, “Valentine’s Day”, and then on Wednesday chaboi will be back to turn in my recap of the next episode of Doctor Who, “Dinosaurs on a Spaceship”.

Until then, thanks for reading, thanks for baking and thanks for being One of Us!

[hysterialevi]

cobblebats fanfic pt. 20

From Oswald’s POV

I marched into City Hall--gun in hand--as chills immediately crawled over my skin the moment I was able to hear Zsasz’s voice. I would’ve recognized that unmistakable hiss anywhere, and yet, at the same time, he sounded like a completely different person to me. I mean, Zsasz had always been crazy to a degree anyways--he proved that when I gambled with him--but now, you could practically feel the insanity sharpening his tongue. His entire vibe just screamed “Arkham.”

The further I ventured into City Hall, the more the temperature seemed to sink, and it felt like all the color in the world had drained from the environment. And on top of all that, I couldn’t shake the thought that...someone was observing my every move. After all, there was no guarantee that Zsasz was alone here. For all I knew, I could’ve been wandering into a lion’s den. I only hoped Bruce was safe.

Up ahead, I spotted a peculiar group of chairs formed in a circle, all of the hostages tied to them as Zsasz rotated around and stroked the blade of his knife with a single finger. Aside from the dozens of tally-marks engraving his flesh, his appearance was relatively similar to when I last saw him. Same, bald head. Same, ice-cold stare. It was Victor, all right.

I came to a stop. The hostages turned towards me in desperation, shrieking muffled cries behind the tape covering their lips as their eyes bulged from their sockets and they wriggled in the chairs.

“Victor!” I called out. The serial-killer’s head snapped in my direction, his glare piercing through me like a hawk’s. He was dressed in a torn suit--probably one that he looted from a corpse--and his hands were stained with blood.

“...Penguin,” Zsasz growled. “My, my, it has been some time, hasn’t it? I’ve been saving a special spot for you...” he pointed to his neck, “...right above my throat...just to remind myself of how close you led me to death.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Bruce sneaking his way around the upper levels of the hall. 

“If you wanna kill me,” I siad to Zsasz, “then get to it. I’ve got other places to be.”

Zsasz shook his head in disappointment. “Arrogant. Deluded. Blind.” He chuckled. “You still think I’m weak, don’t you? You still think you can take advantage of me, just like you did so many years ago. Well, I’ve got news for you.” A maniacal grin plastered itself onto his face. “I am a revenant. I have died, and been reborn. I’ve seen the true meaning of life, and now it’s my duty to educate ignorant pigs like you.”

I glanced at Bruce who continued to work in the background. 

“Educate me, then.” I played along. “What is the meaning of life?”

“A trick question,” he answered, stalking closer to me, “because there is none. Life is nothing but an invisible cage, and everyone is too afraid to step outside the bars because they fear the unknown. But they don’t need to be afraid anymore. I’ve seen what death does. I know what lies on the other side. Death is salvation, and I’m here to release these people from their flesh prisons,” Zsasz placed his finger on the tip of the knife’s blade. “...starting with you.”

I smirked behind my mask when I saw Bruce perched directly above the serial-killer, preparing to attack.

“Try me.”

Suddenly, Bruce shot a wire from his grapple gun and swung downwards, planting his feet into Zsasz’s body along the way and sending the man flying.

For a moment, Zsasz writhed on the floor in pain, clutching his stomach and coughing until his sounds of agony slowly turned into a quite, breathy laugh.

“...Batman...!?” He croaked. “I should’ve known you’d show up. You’re practically a dog chasing a bone when it comes to saving ‘innocents.” Zsasz got back up to his feet and took out a gun. “Go on, then. Do your worst.”

Before he could shoot any of the hostages, Bruce shielded them with his cape, giving me the chance to fire a bullet into Zsasz’s leg. He let out a grunt of pain and fell against a wall, leaning on it for support. Though, he wasn’t quite ready to give up just yet.

“Lady Arkham,” he panted, “warned me...about you. That I should bring...someone else to help. Roland!”

Before I even had a chance to react, the same blue giant who once worked for me bulldozed his way through the room like an angry bull and directly into me, whamming me into a pillar as one of the lenses on my mask cracked.

I was stunned for a second, and the room seemed to spin around me when, out of nowhere, I felt a large, strong hand squeezing my neck and lifting me into the air with inhuman strength as my gun dropped from my grip and I began scratching at his arm.

Behind Roland, I could see Bruce dealing with Zsasz, the two of them throwing one another across the hall and wrecking the furniture in their way, gunfire and smoke filling the atmosphere.

“Roland,” I choked out through gritted teeth, “you...blue...motherfucker...!”

He slammed me against the pillar again. My lungs were on fire now, and the edges of my vision began to darken. I attempted to reach for my pistol, only to have Roland restrain me even further, holding my arm at an awkward and painful angle. 

Out of any other options, I finally decided to fully live-up to my alias, and with a powerful swing of my neck, impaled one of Roland’s eyes with the beak on my mask. He hurled me aside as a reflex and roared in agony as I hurriedly retrieved my weapon and brought out the special gloves Lucius had invented, preparing to beat the living shit out of Roland.

Thinking back to my boxing days, I jammed the metal knuckles into Roland’s skull, my fists blurring into a storm of punches as I threw one after another, blood gushing down his face and spurting from his mouth.

Mustering all the strength in my body, I sent a bone-shattering punch straight into the underside of Roland’s jaw, causing him to slightly go upwards before toppling over, unconscious.

Now that I was done dealing with him, it was time to help Bruce out. Bruce himself was in an all right condition, but currently, Zsasz had taken a hostage into his grip as a last resort, aiming his gun into the side of their forehead.

“Take another step, and I’ll blow his brains out!!”

Bruce and I quickly exchanged looks, both of us thinking the exact same thing and giving each other an approving nod. In a split second, Bruce had latched onto the hostage’s chair with his grapple-gun and yanked them towards him whilst I fired multiple bullets at Zsasz, unfortunately missing most of them since he jumped behind a pillar for cover.

“Shit.” I muttered, trying to get a better angle. Before I could though, Bruce stopped me with a hand on the shoulder and pointed at the chandelier hanging above.

I understood what he meant and headed to Zsasz’s position, shooting at him even more in hopes of leading him to a more open area of the room. As expected, he immediately bolted away from behind the pillar and wandered to the far end of the hall, right underneath the chandelier.

Signaling Bruce, he pulled out a Batarang and tossed it at the wire holding the light up, its sharp edges easily slicing through it as the chandelier plummeted on top of Zsasz, crushing him under its weight.

Bruce and I stood in front of Zsasz, out of breath after the fight and gazing around the ruined hall. The hostages were slouching in their chairs at this point, and the doors to the building flew open as the GCPD came storming in. I scoffed to myself. Useless as always.

Before I was even able to greet the police however, a thunderous gunshot erupted throughout the hall and my body suddenly felt numb as the metallic taste of blood began filling my mouth. I didn’t know what was happening, but I could see everyone--including Bruce--gaping at me in shock. I stared back at him in confusion and followed his gaze, looking down at my abdomen. That was when I saw an expanding blood-stain spreading on the fabric of my suit, a pang of horror kicking me in the gut when I finally realized what just occurred. 

“Well,” I blurted out, unsure of what else to say, my voice faltering. “... would y’look at that.” 

I found myself crashing to the floor, Bruce sprinting over to my side and taking me in his arms.

“What did you do!?” Bruce shouted at what appeared to be the commissioner as he tried shaking me awake, my vision going black.

“What the HELL did you do!?”