#not gonna push myself to write more than i have. i'm working on figuring out that balance between avoidance & going way too hard lmao

[byanyan]

okok i wanted to do more tonight but honestly? i'm impressed i wrote anything with how tired i am lmao. tomorrow!!! i'm comin' for y'all!!!! affectionately, ofc ♡

[thesmollestsnek]

Death echoes

So a while ago, i found this dp x dc post that had a really interesting lore headcanon for Danny’s ghostly wail. Idk if I’ll be able to find it again, I’ll link it here if I do, but essentially it posited that every ghost has something called a “death echo”, which is an ability unique to them based heavily on their deaths. These echoes are the most powerful move in a ghost’s moveset, but they’re also extremely volatile and draining, typically damaging the ghost in some way when used, with Danny’s being his Wail because he died screaming. The original post then went on to some really cool halfa!Jason ideas based on these death echoes, but for this lil snippet with an extremely long intro I’d like to focus on Danny a bit more.

Edit: Apparently I may have extrapolated a lot of the actual lore behind these death echos myself? The inspiration post was a lot longer in my memories. Or I might've mushed multiple posts into one mental box and then forgot lol. So a lot of the actual detail from this point on is seemingly mostly original material? I think? Idk man, sometimes my brain spits out information without giving me any clues as to where it got that information. Anyway, this post got kinda long and since I'm... decently sure this is where I shifted from summarizing @ailithnight's post to writing all my own thoughts I figured here would be a good place to throw the cut lol.

So! with all of the context-for-the-context out of the way, let’s move on to the actual context for what I’m writing cause I can’t be bothered with writing an intro XD

Essentially, this is an au where Danny is an established member of the Justice League, or maybe one of the teen hero teams? I’m a slut for eternal teenager Danny, but maybe he’s enough of a powerhouse to be on the main team despite him both looking and acting like the dumbass fourteen year old he died as. Either way, he’s on a League/League-sanctioned mission and things go bad. Like, everyone-almost-dies bad. And so as a final desperation attack, Danny uses his Wail, a power he’s never told anyone on the league he even has. And it works, and they make it out, but after the fact everyone has. Questions. And because in this au death echoes are deeply personal, Danny dodges those questions, but the league coughbatmancough isn’t satisfied with that. So they push for answers. Answers Danny’s not willing to give, because. In my mind death echoes aren’t just based on how a person died, but also their experience of that death. What their last thoughts were. When Danny died the only thing that he could process beyond just an all-encompassing painpainpainpainpain was the sound of someone screaming. His screaming. And so his death echo is the sound of a fourteen year old child screaming in deathly pain and terror weaponized, which definitely gave the league Even More Questions than they would’ve had already. Which finally brings us to the actual snippet, which is a conversation between John Constantine, who was brought in for his experience with the supernatural once it became clear Danny wasn’t going to talk, and Danny himself. 

~~~~~~~

“So, kid. Batsy tells me you’ve been hiding some of your abilities, wanna tell me what's up with that? Call it an occultist's intuition, but somethin’ tells me you’re not just being stubborn for the hell of it.”

“It’s... complicated. And not anyone’s business, either!”

“Kid...”

“Why does it even matter?! It’s not something I want to or am even able to do on a regular basis! I saved the mission, can’t they just accept that and move on???”

Sighing, Constantine reached up to start massaging his brow. “Kid, you and I both know that ain’t gonna be enough. Now I know that some things are better left alone, but the rest of these idiots? They can’t accept that, Batsy especially. That man’s never left bloody well enough alone in his life”

He looked up just in time to see the otherworldly teen shrink into himself, looking every bit the child he was. “I know but... why? Why do they need to keep asking questions? And why do they only ask the ones that hurt to answer?”

A sharp glance. “The fuck kinda questions are they asking? Batman was speaking in more grunt than word, so I didn’t really catch all the details of what this power you’re supposedly hiding even is.”

Phantom shrinks even more into himself at that, and responds in a voice so small it’s more sigh than speech. “I... I can scream. And it breaks things and pushes people back. But it, it sounds. Bad. And it brings up bad memories and I don’t like to do it or listentoitoreventhinkaboutitandtheywon’tletmeforgetand-”

“Breathe kid. I know you don’t need to but just take a deep breath with me. Don’t you go getting lost in your own head on me now., Constantine reassured the kid automatically, the sheer hopelessness prompting action long before the words themselves could be understood. Then the rest of him caught up, and he had to pause. Looked up at the kid, saw just how distressed he was. A picture was starting to form in the back of his head, and Constantine didn’t like what he saw one bit. A last-resort power that the normally open Phantom was strangely reticent about. A scream so horrible sounding the rest of the league would not to stop asking questions about it. Terrible memories to match said scream. And one truly miserable child who couldn’t bear to even think about any of it. 

“Phantom... is that your Echo? Screaming?”

A miserable nod is his only response, the tears that had been welling up in the kid’s eyes finally starting to fall. Cursing softly to himself, Constantine stood to leave, bracing himself for the Bat’s inevitable questioning. “Well then you just take all the time you need love, and leave the rest to me. I’ll make sure the rest of those idiots know not to ask you about this ever again.”  And with that Constantine turned and strode towards the door, leaving the quietly sobbing child to collect himself in privacy.

~~~~~

I had a whole-ass lore dump conversation between Constantine and Batman planned here, explaining how death echoes are deeply personal, and asking about one is a taboo on par with, potentially even worse than, asking a ghost about their death outright. Because they are formed from an amalgamation of how a ghost died, their last thoughts, and their final emotions, in some ways asking a ghost about their Echo is like asking them to describe their death in painstaking detail. But uhhh... inspiration bug left. So yea. Side note, I’d like to apologize if my depiction of Constantine’s accent was Bad, I’m but a lowly USAmerican whose only exposure to British accents is through tv ^-^’

[flippinpancakes64]

filming a tiktok with edward cullen

Filming a TikTok with Edward

Okay so I figured that this one would be better suited for a narrative story format yk so here I am trying it once more.

I actually had a lot of fun writing this one lol

Thank you for requesting and I hope you enjoy!

“Are you sure you don’t want to come with me?” Alice pleaded to you once again.

“Sorry, Alice. You know I would go with you but I’m just way too tired today,” you sighed.

“Pleeeease? Rosalie already said no and it’s boring going to the mall all by myself!” She said, trying to step past you into the entryway of your house.

It had already been what felt like at least 10 minutes of Alice begging you to go with her to the mall. And 10 minutes of you telling her no. She may never need sleep, but you sure as hell did.

“What’s so important at the stupid mall anyway? Don’t you already have enough clothes to cover the entire Pacific Ocean?”

Alice rolled her eyes and successfully pushed past you, dancing her way to sit on the couch.

“What’s ‘so important’ is none of your business just yet. I had a vision,” she said, her eyes staring mystically into space as she waved her hands around exaggeratedly.

You huffed, “You can’t just say that you had a vision for everything you don’t want me to know.”

“Okay well then how’s this; something very fun and important will happen later but only if you let me take you to the mall right now and buy you a new outfit.” A sly smile spread across her face, her eyes appearing fox-like as she giggled quietly.

You groaned. Luckily, your parents weren't home yet. They would have told you to just go a long time ago. That's part of the Cullens' charm, everyone liked them. And you weren't immune to them either.

You sighed, finally taking your heavy backpack off of your shoulders and letting it slide to the ground. You looked up at Alice and saw her staring at you in anticipation.

"Fine, just let me go get my wallet-" and in a flash Alice was gone. Before you could even blink again she was standing in front of you with a huge grin on her face and your wallet in her hands.

"Done. Okay let's go!" she cheers, taking your arm and dragging you out the front door. "You've wasted enough time already."

"Did you forget how to walk or something? Come ON!" Alice sighed as she attempted to drag you through the crowded mall.

"I can walk just fine, thank you," you huffed, trying your hardest to keep up with her as she raced down the walkways.

Alice weaved the two of you through the large crowds. In between couples, over chairs, past crying children, and finally... to a Spirit Halloween.

"..." you stood there, Alice's hand in yours still as she continues her attempts to drag you along. "...is this some sort of joke? Cause I'm not laughing."

"No, it's not a joke. Now come on! You are so slow! We are running out of time!"

You let yourself be dragged into the store. Completely devoid of people, it was even creepier than it was intended to be.

"I have so many questions," you started. "First of all, why? Second of all, why is there a Spirit Halloween already, it's only July? And third of all, why???" you protested as Alice guided you to a corner of the store.

She stopped in front of you, whirling around to face you and getting in close. "Look," she whispered, "I have a plan and I just need you to go along with it. Edward is terrified of clowns. Some traumatic childhood memory or something, whatever."

"So... what, I'm gonna dress up as a clown and try to scare Edward? Yeah, like that'll work," you said sarcastically.

"No, it'll work! I've seen it! Bella will cover your thoughts so that he doesn't hear you approaching, Jasper is going to overload his mind with a sense of ease so that he doesn't suspect anything, and Emmett's gonna call his attention, then- boom! That's when you strike!"

"...How long have you wanted to do this?"

"Years." And with that Alice extends her arm, in it she holds a clown mask.

"Did you remember to start recording?" Alice whispered.

"Well obviously I haven't started it yet," you snapped, "ugh, Alice this thing stinks." You said, pulling the latex mask off of your face.

Currently, you were dressed head to toe in a cheap costume of a ripoff Pennywise the Clown. The Summer sun was beating down on your back as you stood outside with Alice, Jasper, Bella, and Emmett.

Alice tutted and pulled the mask back on your face, "I know it does, but you won't have it on for much longer," she said. "Okay, everyone knows what to do, right?"

Nods and hums of affirmation were heard around the circle. Looking at all of their faces, you noticed the latent excitement in their features. Emmett was jogging in place as if he was preparing for a hunt, Jasper was smirking and cracking his knuckles, and Bella's grin was so wide that it almost looked inhuman.

Alice shot you one look and you sighed, pulling out your phone, and starting the recording.

"Pranking my boyfriend while I'm dressed up as a clown," you said, then laughed. All of you moved into the house. As soon as you crossed the threshold, Bella stopped and closed her eyes, presumably laying her shield over all of you to hide your thoughts.

You ventured through the house, your little pack of helpers following stealthily behind. Through the house, you could hear Edward's piano keys ringing. A soft melody that was not very fitting of the intense situation floated all around.

You stopped right outside of the open doorway to the piano and waited. Inside, Edward was sitting at the keys, plunking away. Jasper closed his eyes next to you and held his hands up as if he was manifesting his ability. Next to him, Emmett sprang to the side door to the room and called Edward's name loudly, bringing his attention to the other side of the room.

This was your shot.

As fast as you could, you ran towards Edward, doing your best scary clown laugh the whole way there.

And if you hadn't caught it on camera, you wouldn't have believed his reaction.

He sprang out of his seat, his knees knocking against the piano. He shrieked a sound that could only be likened to that of a little girl, and flew to the wall, his back pressed up against it. For the split second before he realized what was actually going on, there was pure fear etched onto his face.

Laughter erupted through the house. From Bella at the entryway to the other three Cullens in the room. You couldn't help yourself either. You yanked the mask off of your head and threw it to the ground, laughing so hard that you doubled over.

"What the fuck! You guys are assholes!" Edward yelled, clearly embarrassed that he had been bested. That just made the roaring laughter get louder.

"Oooh! My TikTok has 400 likes!" you said, laying in bed next to Edward as he was rolled onto his side, facing away from you.

"Hmph." he huffed.

"Aw, come on. You're not mad, are you?" you said, turning to place your hand on his shoulder in an attempt to get him to roll over and face you. "You gotta admit, it was funny."

"No 't wasn't." he mumbled, still pouting.

"Edward. Eddy. Baby. Edweird. Sugar plum gumdrops. Hot cakes. Mr Shiny Skin. Big ass. Little ass. Rich Man. Edward. Edward. Edward" you pestered, poking his shoulder.

In an instant, he rolled over and laid on top of you.

"Oof!" you grunted, your lungs wheezing under the added weight. After a second you wrapped your arms around his back. "I really am sorry though. But you do have to give credit where credit's due."

He thought about it for a second. "Fine. You guys did a good job, you really did get me," he laughed, then thought for a second more. "But if this happens again, you're driving yourself to school for a whole year."

"Hey wait we can talk about this-"

[daenysx]

HELLO! i'm so happy to share this with you, i really hope you like it. uni kinda messes with my head but i'm hoping to keep writing, it really helps me distract myself. i love you all, thank you for being patient with me ♡

"hello?"

"i think your boyfriend's gonna kill me."

"you mean your brother?"

you can almost picture aegon frowning as he holds the phone and talks to you. he must have done something to annoy aemond, now he's calling you. classic.

"for the record, it's not my fault. i didn't do anything, he just got angry for no reason."

you smile, knowing that's not true. "are you sure?"

"yes. maybe. he needs to be nice to me, okay? i'm older than him."

"yeah, but why don't you say this to him?"

"wha-have you seen him getting angry? he can actually kill me, my life is in danger right now."

you huff quietly. "what can i do for you?"

"thank god, you finally asked. okay, he is in his office now, can you come here to take him out for lunch? we have a lot to do, and everyone here is stressed out because of aemond."

"everyone? i thought it's just you-"

"yeah, literally everyone. they are terrified that he's gonna snap again and we need a peaceful hour without him, please? just make him go back to normal, calm him down for the rest of the day and i'll get you your favorite wine-or a car-whatever you want."

you nod even though he can't see you. "fine, i'll be there in 15 minutes."

"thank fuck."

you do as you promise, 15 minutes and you see aegon's figure. you wave at him, he exhales with relief when he sees you. "he's inside."

you smile, knock the door. you hear aemond's stern voice, "aegon, don't even bother to come in, i'm not gonna-" he stops when he sees you by the door, wearing a pretty sundress. "can i come in?" you ask with a sweet voice.

he stands up, leaves his chair. "of course, sweetling, don't even have to ask."

he opens his arms for you, and you wrap your arms around his waist as he holds you close. he inhales the scent of your hair, and you are more than happy to be surrounded with his air. "i wasn't expecting you."

you take a step back, his hands in yours. "i thought i'd make a surprise to you."

"mhm, that's not the truth." aemond targaryen can be a human version of a lie detector, other than the fact that he knows you so well.

"aegon called. he is afraid you'll kill him." you say with a chuckle. "where is your tie? you left home wearing the black one."

he huffs, "i threw it out somewhere. he made me so angry, do you even know what he did-"

"no, i don't, but you can tell me all about it when we're having lunch."

he cups your cheek. "baby, it would be perfect, but there are so many things i have to do, he made a mess of everything i've been working on."

you look at him with a hopefully charming look. "please? don't you have just half an hour to spend with me?"

you know it's working with the way his lips curve into a subtle smile. you kiss his chin, his bottom lip. your hands cover his neck, his shoulders still stiff. your hand finds his hairline on the back of his neck and you scratch his scalp with your nails, knowing how much he likes it.

"you're too tense." you whisper as you kiss the skin under his ear. "let me distract you."

"i thought you offered lunch. if you keep kissing me like this, we will be doing something else."

you shrug, lips curved into a sly smile. "anything works for me, handsome."

he kisses your forehead and looks back at the papers he has to work on. he leaves your side for just a second to close his laptop and put the papers neatly on the table. he takes his phone and comes back to you, a hand on your waist as he leads you outside.

aemond doesn't spare a single glance at aegon as you leave. you can swear his assistant takes a deep breath when she sees you walking out of the office. aegon winks at you, you offer him a slow smile. it's funny how everyone in the office is intimidated by your boyfriend when you know he's an actual sweetheart for you.

he pushes you against the side of his car when you leave the office completely. there's no one else in the parking lot other than you. aemond cups your cheeks and kisses your lips without breathing. "have i told you how pretty you look in this dress?"

you shake your head with a shy smile. he pushes your hair back from your face, thumb rubbing the highest point of your cheek.

"that's a shame." he kisses your upper lip. "you look so pretty, making me forget about everything just by showing up at my room."

"just wanted-" your breath catches in your throat as he kisses the tip of your nose. "just wanted to make you feel better."

"yeah?" he asks. "you're the best thing ever happened to me, hear that? a perfect girl, only for me."

you decide to try something else. "do you think you could skip going back to work for the rest of the day? we can spend some alone time after lunch."

he pauses for a moment, presses his forehead against yours. "i think i can do that."

you get excited for having your boyfriend all to yourself for a day. "really?"

he smiles at your cheerfulness. "of course. anything for my girl." he kisses your forehead. "also i don't want to see aegon's face again for today."

you smile. "i know you're mad at him but we should be grateful for him calling me. thanks to aegon, we'll have all day to ourselves."

he chuckles like you make the funniest joke. "yeah, all thanks to aegon."

[oh-koenig-my-koenig]

Fit for a King - WIP - "You are tiny"

Fit for a King - Masterlist

König fanfiction scenes and chapters that do not yet have a coherent plot

planned content/TW: rivals to lovers, König x fem!character (not too descriptive to make it accessible for more readers), social anxiety killing machine König, badass friendly FMC, dual POV, secret relationship, switch energy, NSFW, adult themes, strong language, violence (more details are still unclear, gonna update as I go), authentic austrian german

a/n: well, my brain isn't letting go of this newest obsession of mine, so I will appease it and write some scenes/chapters that come to mind. i have written more original work and less fanfictions and our boy (and KorTac) is hard to research, but I'll try my best to stay some-what cannon to the lore. it'll also probably get darker down the road.

if your character doesn't have a tragic backstory, why not give him one?

A not so meetcute

(CW: some mature language)

I strut along the hallway, I'm already late to report for duty and turn the corner abruptly. I collide with somebody else at full walking force and almost get pushed to the floor, if the big figure blocking the light shining from above wouldn't have caught me. "Ouch.", I yelp, more surprised than hurt, even though I feel like ran over by a truck.

I steady myself to look at the "truck". I look up and I keep looking up and up. At first there's just this chest, a huge chest, in a simple compression shirt, but oh boy. The weapon holster is what I see next, sitting snug at the side of his torso. Shoulders, big broad shoulders, and normally you would expect to have a head sitting on top of them and a face looking back at you. I guess, he has one as well, even though I don't see one bit of it. I strain my neck to finally meet his eyes.

But all I see is the dark black of a… sniperhood? A T-shirt? I mean, it looks like a t-shirt, that somebody cut holes in to fashion themselves a kind of mask. The front is stained with bleach, two streaks coming down from the eyeholes... My eyes widen as it sinks in who this is. König. KorTac operator, field combatant and one of my superiors. Shit. I've heard some rumors about him. And it seems like at least some of them ring true.

"You are tiny.", he states matter-of-factly, his Austrian accents shining through the uttered words. It's the first thing he says to me. "And you are... not.", I retort. I can't make out his expression as it so obviously is hidden by his mask. He nods, turns around and heads down the hallway where he came from. I shake my head. What the hell was that?

I stretch myself, feeling the impact of the collision already. My god, that was like being hit by a battering ram. I heard that his specialty is breaking down doors with brute force. I thought this to be ridiculous, but now as I watch the gigantic muscled man strut down the hallway, quickly disappearing, I do believe it. 6'10" killing machine. Ridiculous.

I shake my head again and make my way to the meeting room. Ridgeback is already waiting for me.

______________________________________________________________

Fuck. Shit. Fuck. Verdammt. Ah, des hast du ganz super g'macht.* I tell myself sarcastically in my head as I basically run down the hallway. She must be one of the new hires. Must be. And you almost turned her to mush. Mus. Brei. Human remains splattered against the wall. I curse myself again. I didn't even apologize. "You are tiny." No shit, Sherlock, everybody is tiny compared to you. I continue to mock myself. Fuck, Shit, Fuck.

"Ridge, since when do we hire children?", I ask him as soon as I enter the room. He doesn't even look up. "We don't." He keeps reading. "Then why did I just almost run over a recruit that didn't even reach my waist?" – “Because compared to you, everybody seems tiny.” He sighs and looks up at me. “None of our personnel are under 6’, not even the women.”

“Even the new recruits?”, I ask him again. He furrows his brow. “What did you do, König?”, he wants to now. “I may or may not have almost trampled one of them.”, I say, kleinlaut***. He sighs again. “I think that was Müller, she’s actually on her way here.”, Ridgeback says. “Müller? Is she german?”, I ask in surprise. I didn’t hear such an accent on her, but to be fair, she only said like three words… and I wasn’t really paying attention to her words anyway.

On cue, the door opens and I fall silent. “Permission to enter, Sir?”, she says with a clear voice. Not at all seeming like I almost turned her into pulp. I take two steps back to stand in the back, trying to blend into the wall behind me – which I already know from experience is not going to work. “Come in.”, Ridge says. “Müller, right?” She nods and approaches. My focus is fully on her, all the small bits I noticed about her before are still there. She’s not wearing a mask because it’s not necessary off mission. You know, like you normally would. She has laugh lines. Around her eyes and mouth. Fucking laugh lines. She doesn’t look like she belongs here.

The two of them are talking, but I catch every single time when her gaze lands on me, even if it’s just from the corner of her eyes. I fight against the urge to turn away every time she looks at me, when I hear Ridgeback drop the old s-word. Sniper.

My ears perk up and I finally pay attention to what they’re saying again. “Your track record is almost immaculate, Müller. You’re gonna be an asset to the team on the next missions.”, he says to her. I can see that she tries to hold back a proud expression or smile on her face, but she doesn't really succeed at that. God damn it, a sniper. I groan and make my way to the door which doesn’t go unnoticed. “König.”, Ridgeback pipes up. “You wanna show Müller the way to the dorms?” as I already have my hand on the doorknob.

I still for just a moment and the roaring sensation of anxiety seeps at my feet and crawls up my body until it’s nested at the back of my head. I can’t talk to her. Not after embarrassing myself before. “Nein.”, is all I say before I’m out the door.

*God damnit. You did a really bang up job. ** two different words for pulp/mash *** meekly (word for word: 'smallloud')

[allastoredeer]

I'm with you there on preferring bottom!Alastor and getting squicked out by top!Alastor. The squick is worse for me when searching radioapple than radiostatic stuff, and I think it has more to do with the egregious amount of uke-fication of Lucifer that I've seen. Vox and Al get it sometimes too, let's be real that's gonna happen in any mlm ship. But I feel like it happens SO often to Lucifer, mostly cause he's small and cute, that people completely forget he's the oldest and most powerful entity in hell.

He would NOT be genuinely scared or intimidated by Al or any other sinner for that matter and Al would NOT be able to physically overpower or threaten Luci. It just feels so wildly out of character for me that any of the appeal of the ship/characters is gone at that point.

Like, for real, no shade to anyone that likes that, go on and get your food. But my extreme dislike of it has me now avoiding bottom!Lucifer radioapple like the plague just so I don't risk being subjected to it.

I think...I think you just described why I feel so squicked out by bottom!Lucifer and top!Alastor 😦 Like, I couldn't figure out what exactly about it was throwing me off, but you just said it perfectly!!

That's literally it! It's the uke-fication of Lucifer. That's it. Lucifer would never feel threatened by Alastor. He would never be overpowered by Alastor. So when I see depictions of Alastor successfully intimidating Lucifer, or overpowering him at all, it just throws me out of the story.

Lucifer's been alive longer than Hell. Alastor's measely 100+ years of being alive is nothing compared to his millennia+ lifespan. And yeah, Lucifer is the strongest person in Hell, he could beat Alastor in any fight, no question. He has no reason to be scared or threatened by him.

And look, there are ways to get Lucifer to a point of being afraid. There are always a way to make characters act in a way you wouldn't typically see. In fact, Lucifer, the biggest, baddest person in Hell, being threatened by something would be a huge thing for his character and for the story. That could totally work!

But when it comes from Alastor just going into his demon form, or looming over Lucifer, I just 🥲 it takes me out of the story. I can't. Alastor may be a big bad Overlord, and he's dangerous for sure, but like...power-wise he is just not on Lucifer's level and Lucifer knows that--Alastor knows that--and this is what makes their dynamic so, SO interesting, especially if they're in a relationship or slowly building into a relationship. That's what makes it so spicy and flavorful. The push and pull. The insecurity and emotion. The complex dynamic between them.

I think you're right about it making bottom!Lucifer and top!Alastor lose its appeal. I went back through my Twitter bookmarks yesterday and found a few top!Alastor's & bottom!Lucifer's that I've saved, but I've come to dislike that generalized characterization of it so much that I avoid it it like the plague too.

And like you said, there's no hate to those who enjoy it. This is fandom and people are allowed to write, draw, and do what they want. It's all fiction and it's not hurting anyone.

I just don't like the top!Alastor & bottom!Lucifer dynamic in most fan-arts, and I don't click onto fics with it cause I just don't want to subject myself to an unenjoyable time 😂 I'm here to have fun too, afterall.

[icedroppedinparasolcider]

Thoughts on ena? Feel free to yap as much as you did in three shizuku one!

so, fun fact about me! i was an ena oshi from like. On This Blank Canvas, I Paint ensekai release to about Say Goodbye to Masked Me jpsekai release, when kanade took the crown (it's since ended up in airi's hands, if not obvious). so i have an absolute ton of stuff i could say about ena and figuring out where to even begin is always the hardest part of all of this. i won't even give myself a direction here i'm just gonna stream of consciousness this.

shinonome ena was probably the first character i got genuinely attached to among the cast, and while most of my thoughts and attention have strayed to other characters, she still remains someone i get incredibly insane about (frankly the entire cast does this to me, but ena is one of the highlight characters of this). and a lot of it comes from my reading of On This Blank Canvas, I Paint when it released on ensekai, because that event not only changed ena for me, but how i view the entire game and its story. that event changed my brain chemistry and nothing deserves the claim more than it.

prior to that event, i looked at ena like i do most "mean" characters, with a sort of dismissive attitude due to generally not being a fan of the archetype and the way many pieces of media write them (other fandoms i was part of before prsk largely ruined it for me). but that event, and ena herself completely changed my entire perspective on the character archetype as a whole, and while i still wouldn't say it's my favourite, i am far from dismissive of the character type and many of my favourites from other medias exist within it because i'm actually paying attention to why they're like this. On This Blank Canvas, I Paint was my first exposure to the why, and i've never been able to look away since.

while there's arguments to be made of this factor for every person in it, i personally stand at the opinion that ena is the representation of everything the solid heart class stands for. akito is really close, and he's in contention, but i'll get more into akito later on because there's so much i need to say about their relationship, their parallels, the roles they have in each other's lives and the reflection of these roles onto the people around them. but with solid heart in general, i think that ena exists as an epitome of everything they are, and the fact everyone except ena in-world is able to recognise that only further pushes my point. because unlike akito, ena believes herself a coward on top of being inadequate. she doesn't recognise the strength it requires to keep pushing forward through all this pain, she thinks herself weak for even experiencing it at all. while akito believes himself (at least up to BURN MY SOUL) inferior to his peers, there's not really a moment where he looks at himself as weak for struggling. he simply pushes forward, and Find a Way Out and BURN MY SOUL is the recognition that that is what gives him his power. ena doesn't even consider that possibility until Knowing the Unseen, when she learns about what her father went through.

solid heart is defined by its determination and unflinching will to improve and chase their dreams no matter who or what gets in their way. shiho continuing to practice and search for a band after convincing herself she's better off solo; airi's constant drive to be a better idol and reach the heights she set for herself; akito's refusal to back down from the unbreakable wall of rad weekend despite the entire town telling him he can't do it; nene's constant push through her story to be an actress worthy of the dreams she has. ena is just part of this, chasing the dream that is her art and the desire to garner a following from it, make a career out of it like her father has. she doesn't attach her name to the works of 25ji because she doesn't want its popularity to be the reason her artwork succeeds, she wants the effort and beauty she captures on the canvas to speak for itself. everyone in solid heart carries that wish, for their work to speak for itself, to not take shortcuts on the path to their dreams. most of them aren't offered many opportunities for it to happen, it's really just shiho and ena who have that chance; shiho with the entire event of Resonate with You and ena's combination of being the daughter of a famous artist and the illustrator for a growing musical group. but both of them turn down those short-cuts in the end, because it wouldn't be their dream as they wish it. shiho wouldn't be standing by the sides of those they made that promise with, and ena wouldn't feel like the success is actually hers at all, but rather the success of whatever name she's leaning on.

you can actually see this part of ena in a scene unrelated to her artwork, in Someday, This Wish will Transcend the Morning Sky. when mafuyu gets a call from her mother and ena decides to take over the conversation, there's a moment in it where ena thinks how she'd rather not bring him into the equation right before mentioning her father's name. she doesn't want to be associated with him, for any reason; both because of her problems with shin'ei as a person and her reservations with using the benefits she has through nepotism. she's fully aware she has that advantage, and does whatever she can to separate herself from her father to avoid having it. because it wouldn't feel like it's actually her success. it would feel like her father's success rubbing off on her.

yet, to bring this back to solid heart, despite the struggle she's facing to make a name for herself as an artist and the immense pain she faces trying to improve herself as an artist and a person, she doesn't quit. she nearly has, plenty of times; it's mentioned several times in early stories how often akito would have to step in to stop ena from throwing away and/or breaking all her art supplies and tools during her fits of anger, because he understands how important this venture is to her. he's solid heart too, his equivalent is the music he makes and performs in vivid street. he knows, firsthand, how precious the passion she has for art is, because he's been given that same drive and purpose for a different artform. ena didn't let him give up when he quit soccer, so he won't let her give up. however he can manage to do that.

there's a specifc moment in the stories of solid heart where you can see the moment they decided that giving up and backing away simply isn't an option anymore. shiho is a slight exception to this rule; there was never a moment in their story where they felt they should give up on their dream to become a professional bassist in a band, not once did they ever stop chasing that dream, for even a moment. shiho's shifts were always about how they chase that dream, with Resonate with You being the decision to not leave leo/need's side, and Don't lose faith! being the change of heart to stop holding back for the sake of the band, to let them catch up by knowing what to chase. but for airi, this happened in the more more jump main story; the recognition of minori's potential as an idol because of her refusal to simply give up, mixed with the mistake of her lashing out at shizuku when she shares the news that she'll be quitting her idol work, kicks airi back to a point of realisation of just how important to her being an idol is, and that she can't afford to just leave it behind. for akito, this happens during rad weekend; after having abandoned sports due to believing he's not dedicated enough, and ena introducing him to the world of music at the summer festival, his entire body and purpose is lit up by the emotional weight of rad weekend, giving him something to strive for and a reason to endure the constant loss that will come with chasing that dream. for nene, pieces of this occur in the wxs main story, but she's truly pushed into the unrelenting determination of solid heart with On a Holy Night, with This Singing Voice and the recognition of her potential from sakurako managing to grab at her competitive spirit and give her something to fight for; something brought to an extreme with The Canary Sings in a Quagmire as nene pushes herself harder than ever before to break down a barrier in her skill.

for ena, this moment was On This Blank Canvas, I Paint. while she never completely gave up on art before this moment, and Insatiable Pale Colour shows how much she wants to fight for her art and gives us a taste of her willingness to keep going, it pales in comparison to the scene captured in the On This Blank Canvas, I Paint untrained ena card. that moment is the decision that completely pivots the direction of ena's entire story into what she's become in modern project sekai. the decision to not look away—to stop looking away. ena is facing her art in a way she was never willing to before, a way she depicted herself in the art piece being critiqued avoiding. the ena of the past would've run away after hearing the harsh words yukihira had to say. we see, in the event, what happened the last time yukihira was harsh about ena's work: she completely broke down and it was the final straw to the shattering of her fragile self-esteem. but during the return to her art classes, which itself is a monumental step due to the pain attached to them, ena made the decision to stop running away. to take whatever yukihira had to say about her art and make it matter, make it have an impact on her growth as an artist. so she sits there, all the memories of the suffering she's gone through fresh on her mind and burning into her, and takes in the criticism. she doesn't fight back like she always had with 25ji, she doesn't look away like she did the last time. these are her failures, and she needs to take responsibility for them. because that's the only way to fix them.

On This Blank Canvas, I Paint also gives us a lot of insight into ena's relationship with shin'ei. not necessarily as much as Insatiable Pale Colour does, since that's a proper introduction to and exploration of their dynamic as both father and daughter and from artist to artist, but On This Blank Canvas, I Paint gives us the invaluable context around the moment that broke their relationship. how much ena had been going through already, how excited she was to continue chasing art, the way shin'ei completely shot her down from the high of being praised by yukihira—something we learn in that event is exceptionally rare—and the actions the next day of yukihira unintentionally confirming for ena everything shin'ei said. that, as she was then, she would never survive or succeed as an artist.

something i don't see really any recognition or mention of is just how much of a part yukihira had to play in ena's collapsed mental health. he was the one to convince her that she could make it by giving her praise, something that ena has always been attached and attracted to because of the lifelong emotional neglect of shin'ei. her receiving that praise from someone she looked up to as a professional and understood that the praise itself is a rarity from him resulted in a complete overblowing of ena's ego, the instant belief that she has what it takes and would be able to make it into and survive art schools with ease. that bubble is popped by shin'ei's words, the outright disapproval of her dream and doubt in her ability to chase that dream (at least, that's how ena takes it; we learn later on that isn't what shin'ei intended to happen). then, the following day, during a very fragile moment where she's reliant on the approval of a professional, yukihira continues to tear ena down with the statement that she'd never make it as an artist if all she looks for is praise. an echoed, if more specific, sentiment to shin'ei's own words. it breaks her. ena would probably be in a much better mental state, though still fragile, were it just shin'ei that knocked her down. but yukihira kicked her while she was down. and that proved to be too much.

i understand why yukihira gets less attention from the fandom, since ena's own story has a stronger focus on what shin'ei did to her than what yukihira did, and what shin'ei did is ultimately the one ena's mind has attached to as evident by the constant flashes to his words in her earlier stories and the entire nightmare sequence of And Now, This Ribbon is Tied, which i can hardly blame her for finding shin'ei's actions more damaging. despite the evidently bad parenting shin'ei has done for either shinonome, even before The SceneTM (akito had it is in his mind that success is impossible without talent even before finding music, and there's a lot of little details across side-stories that imply shin'ei has never been the most attentive father: my favourite of which being ena pushing him into a lake during a camping trip because he wasn't paying enough attention to her. the shinonomes appear to be really bad at communicating and even processing their own feelings, even before the moment ena and shin'ei's relationship fully collapsed, and i think a lot of it comes down to shin'ei being a neglectful and borderline absent father for both of them), ena clearly trusted and believed in shin'ei opinions as both her father and a professional artist by the way she used to study his work to improve her own, the way she went to him for advice on what art school to pick. shin'ei's action was ultimately a betrayal of all of that trust, and i personally believe their relationship is impossible to mend after that, at least to a degree that the shinonome household will be a safe space for either child again (unfortunately, i'm speaking from experience).

i had more to say and if it comes back to me i might reblog with even more yapping but i've completely lost my train of thought due to being distracted and cannot bring it back for the life of me. so i'm just posting this now. have fun ena fans

[amelias-zelda-calamity-quintet]

Feeling like I should write these down cause eventually I'm gonna post a screenshot of my Word docs and y'all are gonna see all my weird formatting, so let's get ahead of it! Writing tips with me! I hope some of these help folks, this is just what helps me. I've produced like 500k words of relatively edited work in two months using these, so. I shouldn't horde them in case they can help more folks. There aren't a lot, but I hope they help.

Reformat your doc to the page size you'd want to print the work in if you're working in a word processor that can do that. Even if it's fanfic! Figure out the size you'd want to hold the book at and work from there. I promise you, it feels way more motivating to get work done on a 6x9 doc than 8.5x11.

Another format tip, reformat your work in a font and font size that makes it easy to read. I write in Comic Sans myself! Writing already takes up a huge amount of brain power thinking of words, don't add to the challenge by adding hoops to rereading them for edits. You can always reformat after.

Get some kind of notes app. World Anvil, Campfire, I recommend Obsidian, which is free! World bible docs are great, but nested wikis are way easier to sift through.

If you prefer writing linearly, like I do, make sure you have a doc to write down other scenes when you think of them. This has saved me so much heartbreak, even just having an outline of ideas and quote ideas.

If you're going to write a series, pick how many books are in it by overcount, not undercount. It is typically more noticeable that a series has been stretched than it has been shortened.

Try the other side of plotter/pantser just a little. I used to be a hardcore pantser, but my writing improved scores when I started doing even just a little more plotter work. I still do mostly outlines, and I have presaved templates in Obsidian to help make notetaking easier on thin notes, but I promise it helps.

Don't compare yourself to others! I know I led with the 500k figure (because it is impressive) but everyone writes at different paces. Mine is influenced in no small part by autistic hyperfocus on my story at the moment. In amount of writing is still creating and still holds value.

Make a habit, and set it low. I tell myself I need to get a sentence done in a day. Convincing myself that getting something, even low, has pushed me more to get back to work than setting incredibly high word counts ever did. It's ok to have low inspiration days.

[teenandbeyond]

I've noticed your predator/alien franchise doesn't have anything for xenomorph. Let's change that lol. Could I get something that has a similar storyline like the one that says dark reader on it the one where the reader is obsessed with aliens.. It's made me curious tbh

Xenomorph x Dark. Reader

Mx. Anonymous, you read my mind! I was wondering when someone would request this! And you don't need to apologize, since it's fanfiction, we're just gonna say eff reality for a moment (even though the whole thing is fictional...but you get it).

Want more from me, my Infinites (I'm trying out a follower name thing lol. I'll probably shuffle through random ass names until one works)? 𝙈𝘼𝙎𝙏𝙀𝙍𝙇𝙄𝙎𝙏

☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆☆*: .｡. .｡.:*☆

👽Discoveries👽 (Aliens)

Warning(s): Dark Fic (dunno if it came out as dark as I wanted), Non-con details, unprotected, triggering(?), size difference, I don't know where I went with this (this is what happens when I write parts at different times, I guess)

Sometimes experimentation leads to temptation...

✨✨✨✨✨✨

"You're crazy, [Last Name]!"

You tapped the end of your pen against your lip in thought before smiling, "Maybe, but crazy gets better results than normal. Ask any of the greatest geniuses, they'll tell you."

You were labeled as the crazy scientist because you suggested cross breeding. Between Xenomorph—or Aliens, the term used for common folk—and humans.

'It's impossible!'

'It's wrong! Don't you have any morals?' they cried.

'You want to talk to me about morals? Ha! Who are the ones who take creatures as they please and experiment to their heart's content, past what's necessary, simply for nosiness and fear of not knowing everything?'

You always shut them up any time they felt a need to comment on you.

"Sometimes the most impossible things can be made possible," you muttered as you scribbled something in your many notebooks dedicated to this theory.

You could admit you were pretty obsessed with Xenomorphs, you found them fascinating. You studied them with a passion.

You wanted one...and the opportunity came when a group of scientists arrived with a captured Xenomorph.

They were studying it to come up with a defense against them, you, among a few other scientists decided to spectate.

And all hell broke loose.

Turns out, someone from the group had gotten infected. You had to figure that out when a man's stomach burst open.

There was panic as the other scientists fell victim, until the newest creature was contained.

The two aliens were to be stored away since the team leading the experiment was now dead, until someone else decided to take it over.

That was your opening.

You took the fully grown one to your private lab, where everything was already set up.

The huge cylinder it was in was a little heavy, but you made it work. You pushed a button that would release an anesthetic-type liquid into the fluid the creature was summered in.

Once it was confirmed to be unconscious, you released it and properly restrained it, tail and all. You loved risks, but not when the result could stop your experimenting from proceeding...you can't test things if you're dead.

"Now...let's get your vitals connected to my database..." you tapped away at your screen until the patches and machinery you'd connected to it did their job, "There you are...and you are a very healthy Xenomorph."

You went through a few experiments of merging DNA samples, but something was missing. You couldn't figure out what it was.

You were disturbed from your deep thoughts by a pathetic escape attempt behind you.

"Oh, you're awake. I should introduce myself," you approached the alien carefully, "I'm your caretaker. And you're all mine for the time being."

It continued to struggle, hissing at you as you calmly took off your lab coat and put on gloves.

"Now, for a physical examination..."

Your hand slowly trailed down the alien's head and jaw, raising a brow as its struggle turned hesitant.

You heard a rumbling sound from its throat, the mouth covering muffling it.

"So...you aren't completely adverse to touch, hm?"

Then you explored its shoulders and arms, you trailed lower to its sides.

"Everything seems to be in order so far...You really are a beautiful specimen..." you sighed in fascination.

You were mesmerized and edging towards getting aroused.

And the alien could smell it, it was reacting.

Visibly reacting.

You smirked, "Oh...well, look at that. I've made the discovery of a lifetime."

So much research had been done, but never have sexual organs been found on an alien. But you supposed it wasn't common for someone to show arousal in their presence.

"Standing at attention just for me...What should I do with you?"

You were absolutely breathless.

But who could blame you, you were stretched to your limits. And there were still quite a few inches of it that didn't fit inside.

There was some defiance at the beginning, but this alien would just be the next being to know you always got what you wanted in the end.

And the hotter you got and the louder you got, ashamed defiance turned into lustful acceptance.

You balanced on your hands best you could, your feet also supporting you, but they were beginning to become less reliant the more they curled.

Its skin felt cool and smooth, a stark contrast to your heat and muscle. It made you shiver in the best ways as you slowly slid up and down.

"I think I might—keep you."

You were becoming more obsessed by the minute, perhaps your rationality was being manipulated by the smell of sex and sweat.

Or maybe because the alien tried and failed to keep itself quiet, sensitive to your every move.

A cute little virgin it was.

All yours to use as you've wanted. You could possibly get a sample once you were done, see if it gave different results.

Everything was in your control, until it wasn't.

The alien decided it'd had enough of your slow pace.

It thrusted up in quick strokes, making your body move so quickly it looked like it was shaking.

With a groan, your nails dug into its arms, then you gasp as it breaks out of its restraints.

For a moment, you think it'll attack, and it does.

It flips you under and bullies itself back into you, forcing in every inch.

A brutal attack that leaves you trying to catch your breath.

With a growl behind its mask, it pummels into you.

With fascination, you feel the bulge it creates and swear you can see it, but you're a little disoriented right now.

Your vision flashes from the pleasure and pain, your body is tingling.

"You—You're my discovery to keep," you grin.

[bernardellinewsagency]

Alright, I'm at ~5k words for this explicit Gallagher/Sunday fic, the "important stuff" still hasn't even happened yet, and I'm probably going to pretty easily reach at least 7-8k words by the time I'm done with this chapter. And I'm looking at making this a six chapter story and not just a oneshot so that could be, what, ~42-48k words in total if I keep at this pace? Maybe I should just make it a oneshot, but fuck it, I'm gonna post a preview of it to try and inspire myself to make it as long as my gay little heart desires.

It doesn't really have a title though. I've just been calling it the dreamjolt au. Or more appropriately, the "what if the Dreamjolt Hostelry is a queer kink club in a modern au" au. I mean, that does give pretty much most of what you'd need to know about it, so...

Anyways, hiding my ramblings about details under the cut, as well as the preview cause I thought I had picked a short snippet that I could use to try and showcase the story and my writing and all that good stuff. Nope. It's a thousand words. What the hell.

Gallagher is, of course, still a bartender within this au. I originally came up with the au, then I had the idea of a six chapter story where all the chapters are named after his eidolons since those are all cocktail names, wherein the plot would primarily focus on interactions between him and Sunday and conversations they'd have while he'd serve Sunday various drinks, which would be the cocktails from the chapter titles. Then I thought hey, what if I combined these, and now I'm looking at pushing myself to not just abandon this story halfway through. The things I do for the sake of hot yet emotional and character driven Galladay fics...

Sunday, of course, is the son of a megachurch leader. Because I thought about it, and realized that oh yeah, Gopher Wood probably would just be a weird megachurch leader who's really more like a cult leader but shh, no one needs to know about that. So, you know, he's a bit fucked up because of that sort of upbringing, but honestly he might be chiller than his canonical self. He's really fun to write though, it's always interesting to try and get into character as him so that his dialogue sounds just like him.

Other details include: Siobhan as the club's owner and lifelong friend of Gallagher's, Mikhail as Gallagher's previous partner before he passed away, Gallagher raising Mikhail's son Misha, and the Astral Express crew and other HSR characters who will eventually be making appearances. So far, only March has, because I desperately needed to include her being the biggest lesbian of all time.

OKAY ONTO THE PREVIEW:

As he’s busy thinking of how to approach the younger man, the situation is taken from his hands by the very target he’s looking for. “Can I help you?” he calls from afar, while Gallagher is still a few tables away from where he’s seated.

Damn, he’s perceptive. His eyes take on a certain soul piercing quality as he gets closer; a shocking gold color that would freeze a lesser man in place, at least until they realized it’s mostly only because of how the light is reflecting. “Yeah, actually, you can,” Gallagher replies once he’s closer and won’t have to raise his voice so much to be heard. “Is this chair taken?”

He can tell what Sunday is thinking of, as those gorgeous eyes rake up and down his figure. He knows that the two of them must seem like polar opposites, he’s never cared about keeping his work clothes presentable while the preacher’s son looks like he’s never had even a hair out of place. His inquiry is met with a raised eyebrow, but Sunday shakes his head after just a moment more. “No, no, go ahead and take it.”

“Great!”

When Sunday shifts to glare at him, he can see that his eyes are more brown than gold, but no less alluring. “Apologies, I assumed you would be taking the chair itself, not sitting down here.”

“Sorry. You’re not waiting for anyone, are ya?” Of course he wouldn’t be, Siobhan definitely didn’t describe the man as the type to be meeting anyone here. “Just wanted to try and talk to one of the most handsome looking men here, nothing more to it if you don’t want there to be.” If Sunday is surprised by what he’s saying at all, he doesn’t show it, just like how he doesn’t immediately shake Gallagher’s hand when he sticks it out. “Gallagher, nice to meet you.”

“Sunday,” comes the eventual reply, stunning Gallagher with the use of his real first name. He doesn’t shake Gallagher’s hand though, leaving him to awkwardly retract it. “You work here, yes?”

It’s a pretty stilted attempt at starting up a conversation, and it sounds like a script to social interaction long since memorized with the way that Sunday says it. Gallagher can picture how those captivating eyes would look reading through a long article on how to converse with someone you wish would go away. He doesn’t go away though, just humors the question. “Bartender, security, whatever the boss lady needs me to do for the night. Not the most cushy job, but it helps to pay the bills.”

“Which is this?” Sunday then asks, confusing Gallagher into silence as he waits for an explanation. “If this is ‘bartending’, then this is just a friendly chat with a patron. Or, are you chatting with me merely as a guise for ‘security’?”

“What the fuck? That’s some weird fucking logic, you know that, right?” He has to resist the urge to laugh. Everything about the situation seems hilarious to him now, right down to whatever the hell Sunday is saying. “Most patrons just talk ‘bout what scenes they want to try, not play mind games or whatever you’re up to.”

Sunday takes a sip from his glass of water, his face remarkably impassive throughout. “I don’t think this is any sort of mind game, Mister Gallagher. I saw you speaking with your boss while looking right at me, and then you came over and attempted to strike up a casual conversation. Perhaps you’re no different than the patrons of this establishment, interested in a pretty face, or perhaps there was no reason for me to introduce myself as all, seeing as you may have already known my name.”

“And if I did?”

Something in Sunday changes, hearing that. His posture slumps, losing some of its rigidity as he visibly frowns for once. “Then I would say that I don’t wish to indulge any questions you may have, so you may as well ask them directly, the response would be the same as if you tried to ask them in some roundabout manner.”

“And what if I really did just come over here ‘cause I wanted you to indulge me in something else?”

Sunday’s posture is back to rigid and ramrod straight, though this time it seems to be because he’s shocked. “Elaborate?” he asks, hisses more like, teeth clenched so tight it’s gotta hurt. Maybe he shouldn’t have asked like that. Actually, Gallagher thinks, it’s likely he’d be met with hostility no matter how he asked.

Leaning back in his seat, he resists the urge to smirk at how out of his depth the younger man looks. “It’s true, I knew your name before I came over here, and yeah, I am pretty curious ‘bout why you, of all people, are frequenting the Dreamjolt. I also ain’t much better than the other patrons here, and I’m definitely interested in a certain pretty face. And if it’s any benefit, I know better than most of the patrons than to ask questions you don’t wanna answer.”

He watches as Sunday worries a lip between his teeth, biting at chapped skin. “You’re…” he trails off, but he relaxes a few scant degrees as he takes in the situation.

“Propositioning you?” Gallagher fills in the blank for him. “Yup. You do know how the Dreamjolt works and what people usually do here, right?”

“I- Of course I do!” Sunday scoffs at him, but it also gets him to slightly grin, the sight of which counts as a win in Gallagher’s books. “I didn’t just blindly pick this place to come to, I’ll have you know.” 

Gallagher thinks for a moment of asking why he picked the Dreamjolt of all places before deciding against it. He won’t press his luck asking questions that Sunday doesn’t want to answer. Maybe he’ll get him to open up in his own time, but certainly not tonight. “So you are aware, that’s good. Look, I dunno your taste or type, but if it changes anything, I’ve been doing this for a long time. While I wouldn’t really call myself professional, if you’re ever looking to spend a night here not just sittin’ all alone, I’d be honored to offer my, uh, services to someone as good looking as you.”

Sunday flushes, yet the way his brows furrow sends rather mixed messages. “Do you really think I need such… company, in my life?” he eventually says.

If it sounds that much like a deflection, that’s probably what it is. Gallagher tries to take it in stride; he did come into this talk thinking that it might take a bit of work, and it’s still at least easier than trying to talk some sense into drunks like he can faintly hear Siobhan trying to accomplish. “Honestly? Yeah. You’ve got this look about you, one that I’ve seen on too many good men deep in their own struggles. And you’re intriguing, what can I say? If I could possibly help ya out, then I���d like to be able to do so.”

ANDDDDDD that is where I'll cut myself off. Not really sure how to end this, but feel free to let me know what you think, and if anyone might be interested in being like, a beta reader or anything, uh, that'd be really cool! Never had one of those before but I'm open to new experiences :)

[jeonminhao]

Home • Minghao

Pairing : Xu Minghao x Fem! Reader

Genre : angst, fluff

Word Count : 1.1K

TW : mention of depression(?)

A.N. I'm trying to go back to writing again, this time with Seventeen :) since I am back into the Kpop world lmao. Pls lmk what you think! <3

"I cry, even without tears now. I cry again, just like breathing. Though I try to take a step away from the sorrow that has become my home, I cry on the doorsill. I cry, even without knowing it myself."

Tablo - 집 (Home) (Feat. Lee Sora)

Minghao stood in front of the glass door, his eyes fixed on the CLOSED sign. The flower bouquet he had been holding was wet from the rain, the petals falling pitifully on the gray pavement from how tight he was clutching the bouquet. He was late. Again. And he wasn’t sure if he’ll be forgiven. He quickly took out his phone once he found a canopy that could shield him from the rain, reading the string of texts you had sent him hours prior.

I am here! It’s pretty crowded. I found a place at the very back of the restaurant so we can talk. Saw Jeonghan and Wonwoo at the restaurant and he said you’re still at the studio? Hao, Where are you?  Is everything ok? It’s been 2 hours so i guess this means you’re not coming or forgot we’re supposed to meet up :) I’m gonna head back home. I think it’s going to rain soon. Don’t forget your umbrella. Text me soon.

He sighed. He didn’t mean to ignore your texts. His phone was set on his usual silent mode whenever he was working on his paintings. He swore he had remembered that you were supposed to meet at 8 PM in this new place Mingyu recommended the other day. He didn’t know when you two started to make this a thing, trying new places once a week and just hangout and talk about your lives. No. He did know. It was your idea and your twinkling eyes that always looked at him as if he was loved and deserving of one. And who could say no to that? To your gentle smile and warm hand that always finds its way wrapped in his. And he did enjoy it. How couldn’t he? He fell in love with you the first time Jeonghan introduced you to the group three years ago and had been ever since. But life seemed to have a way to fuck up everything he desired. 

He knew a bad day was inevitable and the darkness that wrapped around him like a blanket was not an unfamiliar feeling. Every day seemed like a chore. It was just exhausting. Even breathing exhausts him. But he thought it would be different this time. He thought having you by his side would lessen the pain. And maybe it did, to an extent. But he was drowning and he was just exhausted to even want to try. 

As if it wasn’t enough, his art project wasn’t progressing as well as he’d like and he kept scraping layers of paints and changing his canvases when they finally gave up on him. He had destroyed a half finished painting due to frustration and would’ve destroyed the rest of his paintings if you didn’t knock on his studio door.

And in the midst of his worries and struggle, he started to push everyone away. It was better to be alone. The coldness in his heart was more familiar than the warmth of your embrace and he was terrified. It was too foreign for him, the happiness, the warmth, and the feeling of belonging, of being home. 

“Hao?” Minghao startled, eyes quickly focused on the familiar figure standing under a black umbrella. 

“Y/N? What are you doing here?” was all he could say, mouth forming an ‘o’ shape. You were supposed to be mad at him for forgetting your ‘adventures’ for the nth times. You were supposed to throw tantrums and threaten to block him and end this friendship. But there you were, standing in front of him with the black satin dress he bought for you last month and the leather jacket that he realized was also a gift from him. You took tentative steps towards him, a smile blooming in your face once you finally stepped under the canopy.

“You texted me?”

Minghao looked down at his cold hand, the phone on his hand was still on with your chat window opened.

‘Sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m late again. Iloveyou. I’m s osoorry.’

He didn’t even remember when he typed those texts nor did he remember pressing the send button despite the typos.

He reread his text again and froze. “Y/N–,” 

“Did you mean that?” You asked, taking another step closer and Minghao could smell the familiar perfume on you and the scent of your favorite shampoo. “Did you mean it when you said you love me?” You asked again, this time in a whisper. 

It had been 3 years, 970 days to be exact (not that Minghao is counting) since he first fell in love with you. And not once, even in his drunken state, did he let himself text you and confess. Especially not in such a dumb way. He prided himself as someone who was always in control of his emotions, keeping everything hidden to make sure you wouldn’t be uncomfortable. But there he was, sober and doing the stupidest thing a Minghao could do. Not even drunk Soonyoung would do this, he fleetingly thought before he turned his attention back to you. 

“I brought you flowers. They’re ruined. Sorry. I know i shouldn’t be late and forgot but everything has been shit and–”

“I love you, Minghao.” Your words stopped his trainwreck of a thought. His eyes widened as he looked at you. “I thought you hated going with me and doing this… But Jeonghan said you kept telling him about our time and he said you really love it. And I noticed you’ve been kinda withdrawn ever since I saw you at the studio. You do know you are not alone right, Minghao?” You took his hand in you. It was cold but it was okay. Minghao was Minghao and he was anything but cold to you. “ It’s okay to have a difficult time, but don’t forget you have a lot of people who would do anything for you.”

“This seems more like an intervention than a confession.” He blurted out before both of you burst into giggles, the cold rain suddenly didn’t feel so cold anymore now that he had wrapped his arms around you, the bouquet long forgotten on the wet pavement. 

“It’s both.” Was all you said before pressing your lips against him. A gentle and wary kiss, as if you were terrified he’d hate it. He let go of one hand and cupped your cheek, pulling you into a deeper kiss, sighing in relief, his body relaxing under your touch and heated kiss. Murmurs of apologies and I love you’s keep spilling out of his lips as your hand clutch the front of his sweater as if he was your lifeline. 

Maybe the unfamiliar was okay. Maybe he could get used to this.

[it-happened-one-fic]

Play the Fool - Dottore (Part 3)

Author's Notes: I've finally figured out how many fics it's going to take for me to finish this unplanned series. Just like the previous parts, I listened to "Black Sea" by Natasha Blume while writing this. Reader is gender-neutral. I hope you enjoy!

Type: Mer-Dottore/ Merman AU/ gender-neutral reader/ I'm not gonna label this as fluff since that doesn't feel quite right, but know that it's NOT angst, yandere, or anything like that

Word Count: 1468

Trigger Warning: Discussion of past crimes including murder (Dottore), Fatui are generally shady

{Part One} {Part Two} {Part Three: You're Here!} {Part Four} {Part Five}

EDIT: Entire series now available on AO3! (link deleted due to glitches)

My cover job of cleaning Dottore’s tank was slippery work, but I’d managed to get some of the Fatui employees to bring over yet another, curiously identical wheeled tank for me to dump the green gunk that the harbinger had concocted into.

I clambered out of the newly cleaned tank, glancing around and noting that there was no one left in the room save for myself. Which was exactly what I needed, but was also very suspicious.

I couldn’t help but feel that this was all going a little bit too smoothly. But I also didn’t really have a choice but to accept it, at least for now. So I went ahead and flipped a heavy black tarp over the tank’s open lid to help with both the scent and the  generally revolting appearance of the green algae.

If I were lucky or if someone really was behind the scenes, then the rest of the headquarters would be equally barren while I wheeled Dottore out under the guise of the trash that I now pushed in front of me.

I stopped next to Dottore’s tank, tapping it lightly to let him know it was just me before I reached over to shift the tarp. In response a webbed hand appeared on the glass. Dottore himself remained lying sluggishly on the bottom of the tank. The twitching of his blue fins was the only sign of life.

I frowned at the sight of him, pausing in my motions to look worriedly into the tank. He barely moved, but somehow I could feel his gaze shift to me. He made no motions to communicate or rush me. Instead he only pulled his hand back into a more relaxed position and remained laying, the gills in his side fluttering tiredly.

He reminded me of some of the less-than-healthy fish I’d seen in pet stores before when I’d looked into possible ways to care for him when I’d first been given my job. Then, I’d been more fascinated by him, though I’d still maintained a careful distance that made my current actions laughable.

But I’d always been less afraid of him than the scientists and I’d always viewed him as more than just a fish, unlike some of the other Fatui that came and went.

After all, no mere fish could incur quite so much horror in people nor could it kill quite so easily. There was always a cleverness to the merman that was decidedly human in the most malevolent way possible.

I was torn between offering words of reassurance and staying silent. A cold part of me argued that he was a horrible man who’d killed numerous scientists solely in the name of revenge and seemed to take a certain degree of delight in it. While they had betrayed him, two wrongs didn’t make a right, and who knew what all horrors this man had committed in his past scientific tests.

 The other, more sympathetic part of me argued that he was a captive, treated little better than a discarded pet or scientific oddity that was known to be dangerous but also viewed as less than human.

I pursed my lips, my hand remaining on the glass, and the words slipped from my mouth as the more sympathetic side of me won over, “ I know you’re uncomfortable, but hang on just a little bit longer. We’ll be out of here and back at my home soon, and then I’ll at least be able to get the lid off this thing. Maybe then you can recover from whatever that gunk you created has done to you.”

He shifted, almost like he was trying to roll over to better look at me when I spoke. But I didn’t linger to watch his reaction. He needed action more than kind words right now. So instead of continuing to comfort him awkwardly, I stood and hurriedly shifted the tarp over to where he was before moving the algae filled tank off to the side.

Now, at a mere glance, people would hopefully assume it was just his tank and not go near it for fear of his past behavior.

I grasped the handles that stuck off Dottore’s tank and inhaled deeply before taking off down the hallway. Moving at a brisk pace that made it look like I was busy, but not like I was rushing. I couldn’t afford to get stopped by any suspicious Fatui now. 

Something told me pushing a tank holding the former second of the harbingers would be frowned upon and lead to a not so pleasant end for me.

The halls were worryingly but also blessedly empty, making me frown even as I continued on the path of our escape. I was certain now, there was someone else involved in this little escape plan. 

By playing the fool with both Dottore and Pantalone I was no doubt playing exactly into someone’s hands. But I was far enough down this path that I certainly wasn’t going back.

Clever, Dottore had called me. More like stubborn.

And, unsurprisingly at this point, our escape was a success. No one even tried to stop me as I left the Fatui base and turned down the path that went to home. In fact, one of the final guards we’d passed, Makism I believed his name was, had even waved.

I hadn’t paused until I had reached my home which was provided and paid for by Fatui higher-ups and thereby incredibly, but uncomfortably close to their headquarters. Because if nothing else, the Fatui paid their employees well. Even if said employee just took care of the mysterious and revenge-driven merman who served as both a terror, curiosity, and maybe even a warning.

 It was almost distressing to be bringing this man, who could kill me the very second I opened his tank’s lid, into my home. But I did so. Grimly opening my door and pushing the tank into the building and then directly over to the secondary bathroom that I never used.

I yanked the tarp off, letting it flop down to the cold floor in a most condemning fashion as I looked at the locks on the tank’s lid. It was not the first time I’d realized exactly how risky of a plan this entire ordeal was and on what uneven ground me and Dottore were on.

He was far more dangerous than I and, if he so wished, he could easily get rid of me. I was relying on the idea that I was necessary to his survival, but how true that was I didn’t know.

After all, if he did kill me then Fatui would no doubt take one look at the fact that he’d gone missing on the very same day that would coincide with my death and draw one, not entirely wrong conclusion. 

That I’d stolen their merman.

After that it wouldn't be hard to manipulate those scientists, ever eager for some new, grandiose finding, that I’d stolen from him because he knew something. Dottore would ensure that they kept him alive for that much longer by simply killing me. An act that I knew he would have little to no difficulty with.

My hand rested on the first lock as I stared blankly down at the metal. A single shift of my wrist and the lid would open and I would be risking it all by doing exactly what had landed me in this mess in the first place.

But, despite all the risks, the locks clicked open and I pushed the lid off, letting it fall to the floor with thud as I looked down into the water.

Dottore’s tail slid along the bottom of the tank from where he looked up at me like he was ready to spring out at any moment. He still looked weak, but I had no doubt that he could do far more damage than he let on.

And that was exactly why I was surprised when he uncurled and stretched his way up to the top of the tank.

I stepped backwards, my eyes never leaving him as he easily cut through the water’s surface, his fins wrapping around him and before fanning back out as his long, webbed fingers curled over the glass edges of the tank.

“Clever and efficient,” The words slipped from his lips and I found myself going still. I wasn’t, as of yet, used to him talking yet and his sonorous voice still caught me off-guard. Calling to mind old folk stories of merpeople using only their voices to tempt their prey closer and thereby foolishly condemn themselves to a watery death.

“It seems I was right to choose you,” A smile spread across his face and I felt myself, foolishly and despite everything, relax.

[ye-olde-sodor]

Ok so I just found something weird about Ryan and Thomas' classes…

I was looking into the LB&SCR E2s and GNR N2s because I wanted to write some fanfiction with Thomas and Ryan. As I was reading some Wikipedia articles, something caught my eye, and that was the difference in Traction Effort.

In simplest terms, Traction Effort is basically the amount of pushing and shoving forces that an engine has. The higher the number, the more the engine can pull and push. It’s measured in both Kilo-Newtons (kN) and in Pounds Force (Ibf). 1 kN is equivalent to 22.8 Ibf. There is a way to calculate an engine’s Traction Effort but the formula is super complex even in its simplified form and I suck at math. If anyone wants to double check this, be my guest.

So, according to Wikipedia and its subsequent sources, Ryan’s traction effort is 19,945 lbf (88.72 kN). Thomas, meanwhile, has 21,397 lbf (94.78 kN).

If this is accurate to both the E2s and the N2s, then that means that Thomas had nothing to worry about. Thomas is, at least from a traction effort standpoint, the better engine. Yes, there are other factors when determining which engine is better, but Thomas beats Ryan in one of the most important factors, that being how much he can pull and push.

“So Thomas was jealous for no reason? We already knew that, so what’s the point?" Well dear reader, you’d be half right. See, here’s where things get interesting.

I’m sure we all know that the E2s sucked at their job. They were too big to work on the lines they were meant for and had a plethora of other issues. Their small bunkers made them unfit for long distances, and the Second Series (the ones with the extended side tanks that were supposed to replace the first) had an inadequate water supply. Due to these issues, they didn’t last long and they were all withdrawn and scrapped between 1961 and 1963.

What I bet you’d probably figured out by now is that Ryan’s class faired far better than Thomas’ class. While most were withdrawn much sooner than Thomas’ (from 1955 and 1962), they were frequently used and considered reliable. Most of Ryan’s siblings worked at Kings Cross and Moorgate as suburban passenger services, meanwhile the E2s were kept mostly at docks and yards at London Bridge Stations and Victoria and hardly did anything but shunt. On top of all of this, Ryan's class had a much better fuel and water capacity.

Now take all of this info and place it in context of SLOTLT.

Imagine a SLOTLT movie that shows us that Thomas is insecure about his faults despite his numerous rebuilds. Then in comes this fancy new GNR engine that, while slightly weaker than Thomas, can travel farther thus can deliver more trains across Sodor. Now have that same engine show off this ability on Thomas' own branchline. On top of all of that, have everyone brag and comment on how better Ryan is as a passenger train than Thomas. Cut back to Thomas at the construction site hearing about this, and becoming furious (but moreso scared) about Ryan and becomes convinced he's being replaced.

Now imagine Ryan being the one to pull the shipwreck instead of Donald and Douglas. Now Thomas is convinced he's being replaced and either sent away to another railway or sold for scrap.

It's a small fix but it makes such a difference. It helps explain why Thomas becomes so reckless and irritable in the movie and when Sailor John rolls in with Skiff, he feels more willing to help him since "Hey, he bought Skiff, maybe he can buy me if I prove myself to him!"

There are so many other stories we can write using all of this, and you all know damn well I'm gonna abuse the hell out of this lol.

[dorylinae-supremacy]

Superstition sequel bullet point list as promised! It adds up to like 1K I think so enjoy!

This is vaguely what a lot of my fics look like behind the scenes before I write something properly so enjoy that peek into my fresh hell.

No specific TW's in this really just talks of curses, some emotional hurt and light betrayal. Nothing uncommon. Also everyone but Tech is dark here but its more hinted at for Wil and Tommy than shown.

Also also Tommy is Kristin and Phils baby they probably had a bit after officially adopting Techno. Unrelated context but he's here too because I'm forcing myself into writing more.

Lovely family dinner

Techs older now

Like maybe 17 or something. I'm bad with ages

Hes angsty and full of dread and thats what matters

Making Wil like 18 or 19

Either way they’re all eating and Phil maybe brings up techs plans for the future (as in asking about them)

Saying they’re happy to wait as long as he needs to choose something but they’re a little worried

Maybe joking that they won’t always be here to guide him

Tech kinda slumping further back in his seat and not really being responsive

Wil maybe bringing up war stuff and saying he seems to like that

Maybe gently nudging tech towards that

Tech grumbling a bit about it

Tommy maybe weighing in and maybe teasing him 

Kristin spotting he’s not really enjoying it and telling the others to lay off, he’ll figure out his stuff in his own time

Tommy maybe pushing and asking why he won’t just pick 

Tech maybe snapping and saying it doesn’t matter since he’ll have to leave the kingdom anyway

Room going silent

Phil asking what he means by that

Tech just repeating that he’s gonna have to leave and never return anyway so it doesn’t matter what he does

Internal hurt where he wants to help and stay but he can’t because of The Curse

Kristin trying to ask more and Tech saying that he’s cursed and they don’t have to be soft about it anymore

Silence

Phil putting his stuff down and calmly asking Wil and Tommy to continue dinner while they talk to tech in the hallway

Tech getting up and the chair scraping, maybe even falling over

Kristin trying to say that the curse is cured or whatever but tech saying she doesn’t have to lie to him anymore

Phil being quiet and just kinda observing

Tech ranting that he knows he’s still cursed and they only did that to try help him mentally but he’s not their real kid like Tommy and Wil are so they don’t have to worry anymore 

He’s old enough to deal with it on his own and when he’s 18 he’ll leave

Kristin asking why he’d ever leave them and guilting him

It working

Tech saying that they’re right from earlier, they won’t be here forever and that’s the problem. When Kristin can’t kiss the curse away or do whatever she was doing to cure it, it’ll come back and hurt everyone else

So he’ll just leave 

Maybe saying he’ll write letters or something and that it’s for the best

Kristin starting to reply

Phil cutting her off and saying maybe it’s time for the truth, still very calm

Kristin arguing and saying that they need to keep it hidden

Phil pointing at tech and saying that keeping it hidden has caused all this mess so they might as well just come clean and deal with the fallout

Kristin not being happy but not arguing

“The curse didn’t kill your parents, Techno”

“I’m not a kid anymore you don’t have to lie-“

“I’m not lying” Phil’s voice was cold and matter of fact “that’s not what killed your parents”

“Then what did? What could’ve possibly-“

“We did” Kristin cut him off, sending a shock of cold through him “it was us. All  of it. There is no curse that’s just… just something you won’t let go of.”

Obviously there’s an argument

Tech calling them monsters

Them saying they’re his parents

Him saying he wishes he didn’t have any if it meant killing the rest of his family for them

Them pointing out how badly he was treated

Him saying he’d rather that then be allowed to believe in some made up curse

Him saying he won’t report it to anyone but he’s leaving, he can't be around them after this

Phil laughing and tech pausing

Him asking if he really thinks that’s an option

Tech saying that of course it is

Phil smiling and tilting his head, saying to get back to his dinner as it’s getting cold

Kristin maybe also trying to coax him

Tech calling them insane and saying that he’s not going back

Phil telling him again to go back but this time much less friendly

Tech laughing at how ridiculous it is and being like “you know what? Fine” and slamming the door back open

Him going up to the table and slamming down on it cutting Wil off from asking if he’s fine

Tech asking them if they wanna know what he just learned

Kristin warning him against saying it, saying he won’t know the answer

Tech being like “nooo you guys wanted me back in here with dinner. I might as well share this news with the rest of the fucking family”

Him saying that they killed everyone else and that the curse has been a lie

Shock washing over crimeboys

Wil turning to Kristin and Phil and asking if they finally told him

Technos time to be shocked

Tommy joining in and being happy that they don’t have to play along with it anymore

Surprised pikachu face

Phil being very smug

Tech being even more betrayed

Phil sighing and acting all inconvenienced because techs proven he won’t keep his mouth shut

Calling the guards to take him to his room

Tech getting grabbed and dragged away and maybe begging Kristin (who looks very guilty) for help (aww manipulative baby)

Kristin having the guards stop

Tech thinking he’s free

Her coming closer and cupping his face, saying that he’ll always be her baby and that she loves him very much

Him saying he loves her too

Her smiling and giving him a kiss on the forehead

“Then you’ll understand why you have to be locked away for a little.”

Betrayal x2 >:)

Tech crying and fighting and being dragged off to his room

Getting tossed in and hearing the lock clock behind him

Him running up to the window and seeing the garden, remembering when he hid the first time

Him crying

He’ll get used to it I’m sure. His family live him very much he’s just gotta get over the whole murder thing.

And then they love him forever and ever and he loves them back

[spookyxsprinkles]

🍦 Freezer Burn [oneshot]

todoroki touya × poc friendly f!reader.

-> not safe for work // 6.3k words // AO3. -> warnings: angst, break up, arguing, crying, touya has an avoidant attachment style, dialogue heavy, poor communication, nipple biting, oral, possessive, fingering.

"Are you breaking up with me?"

"Don't be so melodramatic. We weren't even dating," Touya said, taking his keys out of his pocket.

"I--I know but... you know what I mean."

"What do you expect me to say?" He scoffed. "That I'm sorry? 'Cause I'm not. I don't want this."

"Liar."

"Whatever helps you sleep at night." He opened the door of your apartment and walked out towards his car.

 "You think I don't know you're pushing me away on purpose?" You follow him out, not caring that you had different shoes on. "As much as you like to pretend you don't care, I know you--"

He interrupted you with an angry laugh, before turning to face you as he reached the sidewalk in front of his car. "You must be delusional if you think you have me all figured out. Don't tell me what I feel. You don't fucking know me."

His car's lights flashed as it unlocked and he opened the door, standing there and glaring at you like if you had spit in his face. Maybe, in his mind, you did.

"I don't need to know every little thing about you to know that you're lying to yourself because you're afraid."

"Afraid of what, huh? Afraid that I'll actually start to care about you as more than just a hole I use to get my rocks off, before ghosting you like all the others that came before? Yeah, you're not special, sweetheart," his hands trembled with fury.

You visibly flinched at his words.

You knew he was right. You were acquainted with him through mutual friends for quite some time before getting physically involved with him. You knew of his non-committal self-sabotaging tendencies. You knew, but it didn't make his words hurt any less.

A flash of guilt flickered in his icy eyes but it disappeared just as soon as it came thanks to the scorching heat of his emotions. You swallowed the lump forming in your throat, trying to keep your voice steady as you spoke quietly with stinging eyes.

"Maybe I'm not special, but at least I can be honest with myself. Which is more than you can say about yourself."

He threw his hands up in the air, laughing. "Real cute coming from you. I'm not the one that's so desperate for attention I start writing sappy love stories in my head. Maybe someday you'll find someone who wants to deal with this shit, but it's not gonna be me."

He moved to get in his car, so you took a few steps forward which was enough to catch his attention and stop him from getting in.

"You were just as lonely and desperate for attention as me when we first met, Touya. You parade around all day acting like you don't care about anything, you can't feel anything, but if that was the case you wouldn't come back. You always come back home."

It was a slip up a few months ago. The two of you were out with some friends at a karaoke room and he said he wanted to go home. You never brought it up to him, but he could tell from the way you nearly choked on your food, that you heard him. Since then, every time he heard the word 'home' he'd think about that moment and regret letting himself drink enough to forget his common fucking sense.

And now you had acknowledged that it was a real moment that actually happened when he'd much rather shove the memory away and pretend it was something someone else said. Someone not him.

You stood a few feet in front of him, sniffling and staring down at the tires of his car that he had taught you how to change and fill with air without you asking him to.

"You're the most stubborn person I've ever met. You never do anything you don't want to do, but you kept coming back." You wiped your nose, ignoring the feeling of the hot tears spilling down your cheeks. "Even now, you're still standing here, talking with me instead of leaving. If you didn't care, you would have already left."

He froze as if you had pushed the pause button on his anger. He stared at you intensely. The only sounds breaking the silence was a dog barking at sirens in the distance and your sniffles.

He hated that you were right.

"So what?"

He got in his car, slamming the door in anger and started the engine.

He buckled his seat belt and turned in his seat to look through the rear window as he slowly backed out of the parking space.

You panicked, suddenly shoving your upper body inside his open window.

"What the fuck do you think you're doing!?" He hit the breaks immediately, causing you to flail as you lost your balance and he swiftly grabbed your arms to keep you from slipping and busting your head on asphalt.

"W--We haven't finished talking..!" You gasped, feeling your heartbeat pounding in your chest. "If you leave now, you'll only feel worse later!"

He simply stared at you in disbelief. His mind was screaming at him to get the hell out of there. The only thing stopping him from flooring the gas pedal was the fact that your legs still dangled helplessly outside of the car as you struggled to get inside.

You looked ridiculously stupid as you clung to the window with a tear streaked face. You also seemed so determined…

"Get out of my car," he snapped. "Right now."

He released a hand from you and moved it towards the handle of the door, but you caught his wrist with your hands.

"No," you said as firmly as your grip on his wrist.

His eyes watched as you continued to struggle to balance your body on the door comfortably. He had no idea what your endgame was here.

"You're fucking crazy."

"I love you, Touya," you gasped out. "I'm in love with you and I know you're afraid. I know you've been hurt before. I know you hate everything that's happening right now, but I can't let you leave like this." You tried wiping your eye by rubbing it against your shoulder, before looking back at him.

"I won't force you to stay with me and I won't force you to share things you don't want to share, but I also won't let you run away without us properly talking things through. If we're gonna break up then I don't want to let it end with that as one of our regrets."

He hated that you weren't giving up on him so easily.

Touya stared at you as you spoke. You were so calm and reasonable in spite of the ridiculous position you were in. There was no anger or irritation in your voice, just sincerity and...

He let out a deep breath in an attempt to stay calm.

"That's very big of you," he said defensively. He was always so defensive. "Trust me, it's better this way."

Your eyes studied his face before you decide to take the plunge and vocalize the thoughts that had been swimming around in your head recently. "Is it better or is it just the easiest way to avoid your feelings of inadequacy and fear of rejection?"

You watched as his eyes widened a minuscule amount that likely would've gone unnoticed if you hadn't known him for so long. You could feel the flames of his rage from the way his face contorted, his mouth opening to set you ablaze.

Your hands slipped down from his wrist to hold his hand gently in yours, your thumbs resting on the back of his hand.

Your grip was loose. He could easily pulled himself free if he wanted to.

But he didn't.

And that's all you needed.

"I've seen you be blunt beyond the point of just being rude to others and to yourself. You have standards that make it easy for you to look down on those who don't meet them yet even the ones that do fit them get pushed away. You easily say whatever's on your mind, unless what's on your mind risks leaving you vulnerable."

Your thumbs delicately drew circles into the dark marks on the back of his hand that were uniquely his. A sad smile marred your face as you continued to speak.

"I'm always watching you, always listening." Your eyes looked up into his, persevering through his gaze that scorched anything he deemed a threat. "You'd rather be alone than feel alone."

He was speechless as he watched you speak. You read him like an open book. A book he routinely burned whenever someone poked and prodded in a pathetic attempt to get closer to him. How had he let his fire get extinguished so easily? How did it not burn you like it did everyone else?

Like it burned him.

Even he was unable to escape his own flames unscathed.

The fantasy that played in his mind's eye was one where you patiently stood before him as the smoke cleared. His eyes stung and his breathing hitched at the thought.

He sighed deeply, looking more tired than you'd ever seen him before.

"I was serious," his words and tone contrasting with the heavy look he carried on his face. "You're wasting your time if you expect me to tell me what you wanna hear."

You shook your head, "I'm not asking you to say it back. I don't need words when your actions mean more to me." I bring his knuckles to my lips, pressing a soft kiss before looking into his eyes, "Besides, if it's time you're worried about, I wouldn't mind wasting it together."

His entire body reflexively ached to leave at the display of vulnerability, yet he couldn't tear his eyes away from you.

Words escaped him as he stared back into your eyes with a confusing mix of fear and hope swirling in his icy blues.

He swallowed hard and finally spoke, "So, all this time," he started as he gathered his bearings, "you've been watching me like some kind of weirdo?"

"Of course," you laughed softly. The movement set a jolt of pain to your abdomen that reminded you of your current position. "Can we go back inside and talk? My stomach hurts from hanging out in your car like this..."

You hissed as you tried to remove yourself from the car. It was definitely gonna leave a mark. He waited until you moved back to the sidewalk before he parked and got out.

"I didn't tell you to jump through the window like a maniac. Seriously, what's wrong with you?"

"Desperate times call for--"

"Dumb ass fucking measures?"

"Yes, precisely. Glad we're on the same page."

He rolled his eyes as he wrapped his arm around your shoulders, walking back to the apartment. "Masochist."

"Sadist."

"You know the door was unlocked, right? I was gonna show you 'til you started manhandling me."

"Never let them know your next move."

"So, just dangle like an idiot and hope you don't get run over?"

"I'll admit I'm not good under pressure."

He snorted as you opened the door. He just realized you had chased him out in different shoes. Desperate times, indeed.

"Anyways," you continued as you shut the door behind you and removed your shoes, "You liked it. Thought it was super cool and hot when I was flailing around like an idiot."

"Yeah," he said genuinely, catching you off guard and nearly causing you to trip over the entryway step, but you caught yourself against his arm.

You looked up at him with hopeful eyes. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," he repeated sincerely, his eyes staying on yours. "I did."

You swallowed, feeling your eyes prickle with tears as your mouth gaped at him.

He pinched your cheek.

"C'mon," he said as he walked away from you and further into your home to take a seat on the couch. "Let's do this talking thing. We can watch a movie after or whatever..."

You couldn't see his face as he walked away but you could hear his uncharacteristically breathy inflection and stiff tone when he spoke. Was he feeling nervous? Shy..?

The fact that he was the one trying to get the conversation started rather than avoiding it made your chest bloom with warmth. You had expected him to come up with other things to do first in order to put off the awkward and uncomfortable feelings for a bit longer.

You hopped over to him with a blindingly bright grin, sitting near him on the couch to give him some space for this conversation. However, he pulled your body closer to his so that your sides were pressed up against each other. He wrapped an arm around you while you leaned against his chest.

"So..." he started and you could hear something akin to timidity in his tone so you hugged him, letting your hands affectionately stroke his sides. "I'm shit at feelings."

You wanted to laugh at his blunt word choice but didn't want to come off as mocking and discourage him from speaking. "You are not shit at feelings. You seem to feel things quite strongly. We just need to work on helping you feel more comfortable with letting them out in a healthy way, rather than boxing them up and defaulting to avoidance."

"So, I'm shit at feelings."

"If you say that one more time I am going to bite you."

"I'm shit at-- what the fuck!"

"You were warned."

"My fucking tit--"

"Not my fault it's so chewy."

"I'm shit at-- don't you bite me you fucking animal. Hear me out." He had pinched your cheek again to stop your open mouth from it's impending attack. "I'm shit at this. I know. Don't… laugh at me."

Your eyes softened and you brought your hand up to cup the one he had squeezing your cheek. He released his hold on your skin but you kept it held as you let it slide down to your lap.

"It might feel a bit awkward for you but I promise I won't think less of you for sharing your feelings. I appreciate that you've been trying."

"'Been trying?' I've done jack shit."

"No, you have done 'shit'." You reassured him as your fingers drew circles into the skin of his hand. "You came inside--"

"I always come inside," he smirked.

You bit him again.

"What? No complaint for me this time, Touya?"

"I deserved it."

"Masochist."

"Sadist."

Your lips pursed for a moment as you tried to remember where you were.

"Ah, as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted," you glared at him playfully, "You've already shown me that you're trying. You came back inside, initiated our talking time, and you're participating, too. I know emotional stuff feels hard, but I'm really, really proud of you."

He let out a 'tch' in jest, before leaning down to whisper into the side of your head. "In case you forgot, I also listened to you while you tried playing leap frog on my car."

"Very true, but I didn't forget. I didn't want to include it since I was practically holding you hostage at the time."

"Hostage?" He laughed haughtily, "If I really wanted to leave you I would've ran you over."

"Why is that strangely sweet..."

"'Cause you're a damn masochist. Get help."

"This, coming from the sadist..." The room was quiet as I rubbed his chest lightly with one hand. "I was really scared you were going to leave earlier, Touya. Like, for good."

He clenched his jaw but didn't say anything, opting to listen since he knew she probably had more to say on the matter. And she did.

"I was afraid that I scared you off by talking about-- about whatever menial domestic thing it was we were talking about before. I can't even remember what it was." You clutched his shirt without thinking as you struggled to remember what could've been the catalyst to losing the person you loved.

"Toilet paper," he stated after a pause. "You read about some sale at the store and were talking about how we should go before the weekend so we could stock up. Then you mentioned wanting to buy me strawberry ice cream."

Silence.

"It all sounded so permanent, so easy to you." You could feel his body tense as he struggled to force himself to speak. "Seeing a future where we go grocery shopping for toilet paper and you buying me something. Something that'll sit in the freezer waiting for me even when I'm not around. Something just for me." His last words were barely a whisper.

Your mouth felt dry, it made sense. He had a hard time staying in one place for too long if it felt like he was being smothered or expected to do things he didn't want to do. Your apartment was no exception, even if he clearly spent more time here than any other place.

"Yeah, you're not special, sweetheart."

You felt a cold ache in your chest at the thought of his angry words from earlier.

You told yourself they were just that, angry words. If they were true, would he have bothered to come back at all? No. You knew Touya was good at lying and even better at emotional warfare. It's how he protected himself. He hadn't done it to you since before the two of you were friends, back when you were just another random person trying too hard to get to know him. Today was the first time in years he had said something that caused you to feel bad about yourself.

You would need to talk about it with him later. Right now you wanted to hear him out, so you shove the memory away for now. You can worry about it later.

As painful as it was to hear him speak of his troubles with having a place to call home, you were grateful to him for really trying. Really, it was incredible just how far he's come already. You always knew he was a fast learner if he wanted to be and this meant so much to you. He had never let himself get this vulnerable with you before.

You wanted to tell him something in response but why did it have to be now, of all times, that you couldn't find the words to speak?

You forced yourself to swallow and nodded at him in encouragement. You didn't want to cry and risk him getting cold feet about the feelings thing. You didn't want him to think this was a mistake and that you couldn't handle the truth, because you could, you just felt deeply for the inner conflicts that took place inside of his head. His fears, his happiness, his efforts... it all meant the world to you and it was really getting to you.

You quietly cleared your throat and with a hoarse voice said, "I can see how that would have caused you to react the w-way that you did."

You mentally cursed yourself for the way your voice broke pathetically mid-sentence. "Sorry about that." And you were. You knew he got flighty over things like that but in the moment I just wasn't thinking.

"Hey, don't wimp out on me now." He pinched at your cheek again. "If I'm gonna bare my damn soul or whatever the hell, you sure as shit better not hold out on me. If you gotta get weepy, then get weepy. I'll save the laughing for later."

Your lips trembled at his words and you can feel your face crumple as you bury it into his chest and wept.

"I was so scared I lost you, Touya."

He stared down at you, committing the sight to memory.

His carelessness did this.

He pulled you in closer to him and placed his cheek on the crown of your head. A little while later you calmed down, sniffling and apologizing for accidentally turning his shirt into a tissue.

"Sorry, this is really embarrassing," you sniffled out with a stuffy nose.

He took in the sight of your puffy eyes and runny nose, before looking away. "S'whatever. I know you, too, you know. That thing you said earlier? About you always watching and listening? I do the same shit with you. If being a crybaby helps, then do it unless you wanna be shit at feelings, too."

Sniffle. "We're both not the best at handling our own feelings, huh..."

"An understatement, in my case."

"It's good that you're acknowledging the areas where you could use some improvement." You say as you reach up to cup his cheek and kissed the corner of his lip. "You're doing so well, Touya."

The way your thumb gently rubbed the pale skin of his cheek while you looked at him with honey in your eyes made his chest ache.

"You--" he swallowed as he held your gaze, "think so?"

You nodded and leaned in to press another kiss on his lips. "I know so."

He felt that familiar urge to run away when shit got too personal, but he yearned for more of the pure warmth you offered to his cold, sorry existence.

"I can't promise to always be better. I'll fuck up. I know it. Just don't give-- don't give up on me."

Sharing feelings was embarrassing, painfully so. At least, that's what he told himself to explain the lump in his throat when he struggled to say the words out loud. His hand moved to your thigh and squeezed it, "I'm stubborn but I don't want to fuck this up. When I fuck up, I'll need time to get my head out of my ass."

You felt like crying again seeing how desperately he tried to let you know he wasn't going to always be good at the communication, but he wanted to be and he was trying.

"I'll sit in the freezer waiting for you."

"I-- what? The hell?"

You laugh softly at his dumbfounded expression. "I'll be the ice cream sitting in the freezer waiting for you. So, don't worry about having to rush the process. Do your best. I believe in you, Touya."

He stared at your face for a moment.

"You have low iron. The freezer would kill you."

"I'll be fine 'cause you're always warm."

He once again felt that familiar ache in his chest that he usually got around you. "Wait too long and you'll get freezer burn."

"Are you saying a little freezer burn would keep you from eating your favourite ice cream?" You paused when you noticed his amused expression. "Okay, I walked myself into that one."

"Yeah," the corner of his lip twitched as his eyes darkened. "You did."

"Hey, I know that look. We need to finish talking first-- T-Touya!"

He grabbed your legs, flipping you on your back against the couch with him crawling over you.

"Don't you wanna reward me for doing well so far?" He asked in a low voice. You whimpered at the sight of his heavily lidded eyes looking down at you, amused with your flustered face.

"W-Well, positive reinforcement is a good way of encouraging good behavior, so yes we can, but you have to swear we will talk about this right after-"

He expertly rolled his hips against you, making you gasp. "I'm feeling pretty encouraged right now. You can feel it too, I bet."

You definitely felt it.

He kissed your lips as he removed your bottoms, pushing the backs of your knees as far against as he knew you could comfortably take, exposing the entirety of you in your underwear.

"I swear," he licked a slow stripe against the fabric before pushing it to the side and staring hungrily at your flesh, "on my god damn dick, we'll talk right after I make you come at least four times."

"F-Four?" You could feel his thumb teasing you as he swiped up and down your flesh.

"Five now," his lips wrapped around your sweet spot. He sucked while rubbing his tongue against it at the same time, making your body shudder.

He needed to make up for making you cry so much today.

Your hips bucked against his face, then his fingers.

"So fucking eager after all that talking, huh?" He gave a lopsided grin as he licked the taste of you left behind on his lips. "Yeah, we're definitely talking more often."

He soaked his fingers with the bottle of lube he liked leaving between the seat cushions for times like these. You felt one of his slick fingers tease your tight hole.

"Tell me who fucks you better than me."

"N-No one!"

"Weak shit. Say it again."

"You're the only one who fucks me t-this well!"

He slowly pressed his finger in, the stretch making you sing. He took his time prepping you before inserting another finger and moving in and out of you. He lapped you into whines, working his hand at the pace he knew drove you wild. You cried out praises for him, which he liked almost as much as he liked fucking you to tears.

"And who does this hole belong to? Who owns the rest of this pretty body?"

"Y-You do, it's yours, Touya! It's all yours for you to use as you please!"

You felt your legs trembling as he kept his hands busy with fucking you. The coil inside of you tightening as he vigorously pumped and sucked.

"T-Touya..!" You voice broke as you wailed.

He smirked, feeling satisfied at how fervently your hips bucked against him. You were a needy mess and he hadn't even stretched you with his fat cock yet.

Soon.

"It's mine. You're all fucking mine." His head dived back in and you felt yourself on the precipice of-

"Yeah, you're not special sweetheart."

You shook your head and looked down at him as he looked up at you. He sucked you hard, making your back arch. You were so close.

You stared through half lidded eyes, throat already sore from the sounds he'd easily pulled from you. You tried to focus on the view of him pleasuring you with expertise. Your was mouth open as you shut your eyes and leaned your head back against the couch. You were so close.

"Afraid of what, huh? Afraid that I'll actually start to care about you as more than just a hole I use to get my rocks off, before ghosting you like all the others that came before you?"

You grit your teeth.

Now was not the time for this.

Your eyes shut. You forced the memory away from the forefront of your mind. It doesn't matter right now, you'll tell him how you feel about it later.

Now wasn't the time.

Later.

Later.

...

"Fuck!!" You felt Touya pull his body away from you. "Did I not hear you say the safeword!?"

You opened your eyes and Touya's blurry face had moved from in between your legs to kneeling on the floor beside where you laid on the couch. You blinked your eyes and wiped them with your hands. Oh.

You were crying again.

The realization brought more tears and you looked over at Touya who stared down at you fearfully.

"Maybe someday you'll find someone who wants to deal with this shit, but it's not gonna be me."

"Hey, what--" his voice cracked.

Your body shook as you sobbed into your hands.

A sinking feeling had found it's place in his stomach. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I didn't-- I didn't hear you-"

"T-That's not it." Your voice muffled by your hands and your stuffed nose as you continued to sob. "The sex was consensual the w-whole time."

He looked down at you confused. Relieved that he hadn't hurt you in that way, but stressed since he didn't know what happened to you. His chest burned with anxiety and it made him feel restless. He grabbed your throw blanket and pulled it over you, which you used to hide your sloppy face as you tried to calm yourself down.

"Touya," you cried quietly and he stared down at you frozen with fear.

It was him.

"Tell me what I did." He knew he'd fuck up. He just didn't think it'd be this soon.

You didn't want to hurt him. You wanted to protect him but how could you protect him from the very words he spat at you in a desperate rage? Not speaking up about your own feelings fully and pushing them aside for someone else's sake is how you got here in the first place.

You needed to practice what you preached.

"I haven't been able to stop thinking about what you said to me."

The parking lot. He already knew. He hated himself when he said those things and he hated himself now.

It was only a matter of time until he'd ruin things here.

You saw him grab his phone from the floor before standing up and walking across the living room. It must have fallen during your activities.

"I'll text Toga to come by. I'll stay until then."

"Don't go."

"I shouldn't be here."

"Because you hurt my feelings?"

"Yes!" He snapped. "This isn't masochism, it's straight up fucking delusional if you can't see the problem with me staying."

"You hurt my feelings," you sniffled. "It's going hurt whether or not you leave. Stay and talk with me about it."

"This talking shit clearly isn't working. One second you're telling me I fuck you the best then suddenly you're crying in the next. I already ruined whatever we could've had before it even started. We already know how this ends, so don't waste your time."

"If you leave then we will know how this ends." You sat up on the couch, clutching the soft blanket like a lifeline. Your voice was firm, but not enough to cover your soft determination. "You're hurt and so am I. So, sit with me instead of running away. Leaving things the way they are now is the sure-fire way to ruin this."

His jaw tightened as he stayed where he was.

"We talked a little bit earlier, but the issue just now wasn't your fault. It was mine-"

"You're not the one who said all that nasty shit to the person you-" He turned away and glared holes into an innocent plant. "It's over. We're not even fucking dating and it's over." He ran a hand through his hair and laughed.

"You did say horrible things, but I kept brushing off my feelings. We talked a bit earlier, but I still had feelings left unsaid." You stood up, the sound of your feet padding against the floor behind him made him stiffen. You stood in front of him, with your arms loosely crossed on your chest. "How are you supposed to know that stuff was still bothering me? It's not like you can read my mind."

"Don't be fucking dense."

"I seem to recall us wanting to work things out. You told me not to give up on you, remember?"

"Before I realized I traumatized you by saying a bunch of shit!"

"You didn't traumatize me, you hurt my feelings. There's a difference."

"You know the reason you had 'feelings left unsaid' is 'cause I basically mounted you before you could finish saying them, right?"

"No, that's not true and don't demonize yourself like that." You reached for his hand that was balled into a fist at his side, but he pulled it away.

He wasn't worthy of your compassion.

You frowned but didn't let it deter you. "I said it was okay --and before you say anything-- I wasn't coerced into it, either."

His eye twitched at her already knowing what he was going to say before he said it.

"You tease and mock, but you've shown me time and time again that you respect me and my body. You waited until I gave consent and I know that if I didn't give it, you would've let it go and let me talk about my feelings instead. You didn't take advantage of me. I disrespected myself by not prioritizing my own feelings. That's what the main issue was here."

"You said you couldn't stop thinking about what I said. It's my fault, they were my shitty fucking words."

"I'm not trying to say your words weren't a part of it, they definitely were, but I know you were just... saying what you could to put distance in between us."

He sneered, "Is that what you're telling yourself? Doesn't matter why I said it. Intentional or not, lies or not: it still fucking hurt you." His lips curled bitterly as remorse stained the cool blue of his eyes. "It'll be what you think of when you see me from now on."

You took a small step towards him, careful not to invade his personal space but enough to momentarily satisfy your need for physical closeness. Your need for the comfortable heat he offered to you as you both stood together in silence.

"I won't lie..." You started.

He knew that you never lied to him. Your stupidly sincere approach to interactions with him were probably what got him wrapped around your finger in the first place.

He did wonder if you ever lied to yourself about him, though. It'd explain why you let him stick around even while knowing he was a jackass.

He also recognized there wasn't any actual weight to that way of thinking. If anything, the times where your feelings felt so real outweighed those paranoid thoughts of his. Sometimes he'd catch you looking at him. The sweet honey dripping from your eyes at him doing fuck all felt so raw that he'd panic and have to leave for a while.

Whenever you smiled at him, even the soft little ones, you beamed bright enough to burn him to cinders if he let it. Lately, he had found himself simmering under your heat longer and longer, letting himself get singed by you.

Seeing you fidget with the hem of your top snapped him out of his thoughts. You were still in your underwear and it reminded him that he'd burned you. Not with the heat of patience and kindness that you regularly thawed him with, but with flames full of his own agonizingly self-sabotaging wrath.

"I won't lie," you repeated after taking a couple seconds to gather your thoughts. "I'll probably always think about what you said."

He already knew it yet it still made him hate himself more.

"The same way you'll probably always think about it, too."

You sweet, merciful, stupid fucking angel.

"Stop."

"No. You need to hear this."

"Just fucking stop."

"Don't interrupt me, Touya."

He glared at you in irritation as he clenched and unclenched his hands in an attempt to keep himself grounded. Mentally and literally. If he ran away now, you wouldn't be able to share your thoughts. He owed you that and so much more.

"It's something that effected the both of us and it'll change the way we are, but we don't have to let it change us in a bad way. We can use our hurt to help us grow." You said while looking at him with eyes full of hope. "We won't forget it happened and we shouldn't."

"We-- you--," he stammered. He could see the patience in your face and logic, feel the tender touch of your words. He was concurrently immolated by your steadfast mercy and by his venomous wrath. "We need to end this before you get hurt again."

"'Before I get hurt again'? I am going to get hurt again. By you, myself, or some other thing. It's what happens as we live and grow. The difference is learning from it. This is our 'before', and if you let us, we can work on moving on towards our 'after'."

"You know how ridiculously optimistic that sounds, right? Stupidly sappy, too. You really think it's as simple as that?"

"Can I hold your hand?"

He blinked in confusion at the randomness of the question but gave a small nod. You took ahold of it with both of your own.

"We both know it won't be simple. We both have baggage and hurt we'd need to address if we want to be something. It's going to be really hard, but if you stay I know that we'll both put in the work to reach our 'after' and every 'after' after that."

He stayed silent as he took in her words. You really saw--

"--Lots of 'after's, huh?" He quietly spoke as he tried to drown out his nerves with a teasing tone.

He looked at you with hopeful eyes that brought a small smile to your face.

"Lots of 'after's. I am your ice cream sitting in the freezer, remember?"

He'd scoff if he hadn't just gotten the wind knocked from his lungs.

You raise his hand to your lips before pressing a little kiss on the scars on the back of his hand before tugging it gently so he'd follow you to sit back down on the couch.

"I'm not eating freezer burnt ice cream."

"Hey! That's so mean…" you pouted. "And wasteful. You're way too picky of an eater, no wonder you're always grumpy."

"I'm fucking with you."

"Oh, I know. I'm fucking with you, too."

"Sadist..." He affectionately played with the shell of your ear while resting his cheek on your head. The gesture filled her with elation as they sat in comfortable silence.

"Look, I'm..." he started, struggling with his words.

"I know."

"I shouldn't-- I shouldn't have said those things earlier."

"I know."

"You didn't deserve it," his voice was softer.

"I know," you wrapped your arms around his firm torso, squeezing a little tighter.

"You're clingy. What're you thinking? Don't skimp out on me again, I wanna hear all the ugly shit, too." He lightly pinched at your cheek, "This shit ain't gonna work if it's one-sided. Start talking."

You smiled as he pressed his lips to your forehead.

"Okay, Touya."

[bootstrapparadoxed]

Happy STS! What part of your story has been your favourite to write, or what part are you looking forward to most? (feel free to share a snippet 👀) - @trixierosewrites

I'm gonna answer for FrankensteinWIP because I think I answered a similar question about Up the Entropic Hill at some point (but I am to lazy to find that ask,,, maybe I'll do it later).

So far my favorite part to write was a long conversation that Kristian and Leith have at one point in the story because it is basically the moment Kristian falls in love. He doesn't know that in the scene, and he probably wouldn't be able to point to that conversation as that moment in retrospect either, but that is how I see it. And the scene has some fantastic dialogue in it, in my opinion at least. I'll include a small bit at the end.

And the part I'm looking forward to writing the most is the actual horror! There's going to be some very disturbing and unsettling scenes in this book and I want to get to them so bad. The story takes a while to get there because I am spending thousands of words to set up the relationship properly but I hope it will be worth it in the end.

Snippet under the cut:

By the time we were both too sore to keep walking up and down the shore, the streets were rapidly emptying of visitors. I glanced at the lock screen of my phone; it was fairly close to midnight.

“Don’t you need to go home?” I asked, once we picked a bench to rest on. “Get some sleep?”

“This is my normal routine,” he responded. “I don’t sleep much.”

“You’re a night owl, too?”

He did not confirm nor deny that, gaze drifting away into the distance. I decided not to push it further.

My leg bounced on the ground while my eyes passively scanned my surroundings: the air after-rain fresh, the sky cloudy and starless. Occasionally some drunken British tourists would pass by our bench, their booming voices carried an impressive distance. Apart from us, the only living soul around was a lone figure of a fisherman, stood knee deep in water a hundred or so meters away. Having concluded most of our discussion threads, we landed in a silent interlude. The conversation, though exhilarating, wasn’t exactly easy. Leith and I agreed on very little, and constantly changed our minds when presented with compelling arguments. Increasingly, I felt like my head was full of warm scrambled eggs.

“So yes.” Leith said, after a solid few minutes of utter silence.

“Yeah,” I agreed. We both shared a moment of laughter. “That was… yeah.” Suddenly, I blushed. I felt like we had just hooked up in the supply closet at the institute and were hurriedly dressing each other, afraid of being busted by a cleaner or a curious undergrad.

“You don’t have much people to talk to,” he told me – a statement, not a question. “And you are so, so bored. Even in this program, even surrounded by scientists. You’re so bored, it must be excruciating.”

“I think I am lonely more than I am bored,” I suddenly confessed. Up until a few minutes ago, I did not know this about myself. Feelings were a rare occurrence, and it usually took me days if not weeks to identify them. “All my classmates graduated and moved, and I don’t get along with younger PhD students. I don’t… connect to people particularly well.”

“What about your family?” Leith leaned back in the bench, looking away from my face.

“I haven’t spoken to anyone in years,” I responded calmly. “They did not take well to me being queer.”

“Ah.”

“Not that I got along with them much before coming out. My dad is a recovering alcoholic who did not get his shit together until most of his family stopped associating with him. He’s yet to gain back their trust. My mother did not want to have me, I think; I spent my childhood listening to her lament on how terribly my basic needs interfered with her work. And my grandparents, who basically raised me, thought it would be kind to bully me for my weirdness before my classmates did. Being disowned felt almost like being released from the obligation to like them. Still, that was my entire financial safety net I lost.”

“Did you know that living alone has comparable health effects to smoking?” he asked, in a very matter-of-fact voice. “They say the same about breathing the air in Krakow, so I must be at death’s door by now. Even now that I quit the actual smoking.”

I blinked, unsure of how to react. The remark felt like a dagger to the back.

“Unfortunately I can’t quit either Krakow or being alone,” I muttered.

“Oh,” his voice changed in a split second, “I didn’t mean to say you made yourself lonely on purpose. Really. The opposite. Actually,” he gave a nervous chuckle, “it was a, well, an attempt of a…” he made brief eye contact with me, and I could have sworn he seemed almost panicked. “Never mind,” he waved his hand, dismissing the topic. “Let’s just pretend I did not say that.”